A Kid for Two Farthings (1955) Movie Script

Strawberries, ripe strawberries,
sweet and ripe!
One kid
One kid that my father bought
for two farthings
Russian pastry, Swiss roll,
French gateaux.
Hot strawberries!
Nice bag of coconuts.
Nice big bag of coconuts.
Two pounds of carrots.
Hot chestnuts,
get your roasted chestnuts.
Birds, all colours of the rainbow.
Little birds and big birds,
canaries and budgerigars,
Java sparrows and cockatoos.
We got more birds
than the London Zoo.
Get yourself a white canary
and start your day with a song.
Look, look, I told you before -
come back when you're a buyer.
Fantail pigeons
is for the connoisseurs.
I have been to the Home Secretary,
to the Prime Minister,
I have been to the Queen herself,
God bless Her Majesty.
I will continue to write
to the national organs of the press until...
Come on, come on.
Monkey nuts! Fresh roasted!
Three and a half pounds the lot.
Any messages for your dad?
I've sent him all the messages
I can think of.
Come and make some kisses for him,
- There.
- Don't worry.
He's getting on all right in Africa,
your husband.
I'm not worrying.
Take these in to Mr Kandinsky,
he's left the stitches in.
What a boychik. Ha-ha.
Can't sell even your trousers,
if you don't finish them properly.
- You left the stitches in.
- Give them to Sam.
Don't worry, Joanna, no one has ever
looked after my stall better than you.
I'll chuck in Winston Churchill
with a three-foot cigar
cunningly designed as an antique style...
Good morning.
Feeling better?
- Sam, where's Sam?
- Here.
- I can take your picture now.
- Fine.
I can give you an hour,
then I have to photograph a wedding.
- Can you come to the gym now?
- Right away. You can spare me?
- Mm.
- Good.
- Here, look what I dug up.
- That's terrific.
Might be a bit small.
Just try it for size.
- How's that?
- No, back further. Nearer the picture.
Now, look, if you stand right in front of it,
you can't see the flag on the castle.
- Let's have the Grecian one.
- The Grecian one. How about that?
Such striptease displays - for what?
How else will I see
my muscle development?
- How about the trapezius?
- Muscles!
What's wrong with muscles?
With such pictures, you can win
the Mr World competition - a fortune.
Look at Solly Abrahams -
nearly been the fifth Tarzan.
Look at Chick Eisner, got his own
gymnasium - both muscle men.
- There's money in it.
- Now, look, Sam,
- you get one set of pictures, right?
- OK.
Blow up those muscles
while I get this stuff down to the gym.
But remember, if The Body Beautiful
magazine takes them,
my name goes on underneath, Sylvester
court photographer, copyright reserved.
Such a ridiculous performance.
Proper efficiency of one's muscles is vital.
Listen, a fella like me, what have I got?
- His physique apart, what?
- This way I make the best of meself.
To be Mr World or something?
Make the best certainly, but what for,
photographs, and this and this?
I've got no time for arguments.
Sam, I'll see you
down at Blackie Isaac's gym.
- OK.
- I can give you one hour.
- Right.
- Get a move on, I haven't much time.
- That's a new muscle you got there?
- Yeah, that's a triceps.
You had that last week.
Don't you want to be Mr World,
Mr Kandinsky?
For me to be a trouser maker
is already enough.
My father reckoned that Kandinsky
and Son could make complete suits,
him being a number one coat maker.
Life is all dreams, Joe.
Dreams and work,
and that's all it is.
So, what can you do?
- What can you do?
- And that's how it is.
How do you make the eyebrows go up,
Mr Kandinsky?
You must grow old, Joe,
and then the eyebrows go up because
they are looking forward to the rest.
- I'm a bit bored with that chick.
- Try a dog, Joe.
Or a lizard.
Or two, three fish.
Fish is interesting,
in spite they don't got muscles.
Maybe my father
can send me a lion from Africa.
A lion is not a suitable pet for a boy, Joe.
Why do lions have such big teeth?
You see Sam's muscles?
Every animal,
when he was created by the Almighty,
was given one extra-special present.
The lion got big teeth,
Sam got big muscles.
And what did the Almighty give you?
He didn't make up his mind yet.
But could be sometime
a patent steam presser.
The amazing thing is, my Joe,
that although there are so many animals,
the Almighty doesn't run out of ideas,
which makes him the Almighty -
you understand?
In fact, you can call it his particular gift
that in all these years,
he doesn't run out of ideas.
The first prize I win, you know what?
I buy Sonia a diamond ring
and we get married at last.
Four years engaged and you don't buy her
a ring yet. That's not nice.
On my wages, what can you do?
Why don't you marry a lady
who already has a ring?
Pity we couldn't get an elephant
into the house.
Your chip sandwich is getting cold.
Maybe my father could send me
a unicorn from Africa.
A unicorn is a wonderful thing, Joe.
To him, the Almighty gave
the most special present of all -
marvellous and magic!
A unicorn has this one horn
in the middle of his head
worth ten thousand pounds cash,
on sight, anywhere in the world.
So much for only one horn.
With two horns
it would be something different,
and not so good.
And because, by this single horn,
it can grant any wish you like.
Come on, Joe.
It's a nice pair of trousers.
You take it outside to your mother, Joe.
Any wish.
Come on, Joe. Joe, come on,
I can't wait any longer.
Sam needs my help - photographs!
All right.
Don't be a nuisance to him then.
Alfie, wipe your nose,
your chin's bleeding!
Not on your sleeve!
- Here y'are, guv.
- Thank you.
You think all your husband has to do
is write letters every day, Joanna?
I wasn't expecting a letter.
Alfie, stop kicking that horse.
Since you came to live down here,
you didn't really go short of letters.
You had a letter last week.
He writes every week,
unless things are bad.
Maybe this delay is because he is
putting through some important deal.
South Africa is a long way away.
While he is working hard
to make there a place for you,
you must just wait with patience.
Of course he's got other things
to think about.
Midday is another post.
Maybe then a letter.
Can't expect him to write letters
all the time, Mr Kandinsky.
You worry too much, Mr Kandinsky.
He can look after himself all right.
That's right.
Here I am, girls, Madam Rita.
Don't be confused by the sex,
I am the original Madam Rita.
Here you are 25 bob, where you like.
Listen, come here.
Here, you heard of Christian Dior?
Well, I'm Yiddisher Dior.
Here y'are, 25 bob, where you like.
Madam Rita, can you spare Sonia?
For all the good she is,
take her, you can have her.
Madam Rita, robes in all sizes.
I tell you what I'll do,
I won't charge a pound or 25 bob...
Sonia! Sonia!
What is it, Sam?
Photographs at the gym.
Come on, hurry.
But I can't, I've got to finish this.
See you down there.
Come when you can.
He didn't seem to notice you'd gone platinum.
It's a bit brassy.
- I think it's very nice.
- I wish I hadn't done it now.
In six months' time
it will be about the same as ever.
You must be careful
it doesn't rot the roots.
You and Sam still engaged, Sonia?
As if you didn't know.
You know,
such a long engagement.
I always say
better a long engagement,
than the way
some I could mention carry on.
Some get a very good time,
I can tell you.
Still, Sonia,
I suppose it won't be long now.
I'll send you an invitation, don't worry.
- Sam is a good boy.
- I hear these muscle boys are useless.
- He is a good, hardworking boy.
- No ring yet, I see.
Still, you and Mr World
can always get married
straight off in a registry office
without the frills.
After all, some have to.
I don't get straight married
like a pauper in trouble to anyone.
That's right, dear.
Always start as you want to go on.
Mind you,
he is taking his time about it.
Four years and no ring.
Funny thing,
a fella proposes, but no ring.
You sure, Sonia, he did say "marry"?
Come on ladies,
dresses for everybody.
Let Madam Rita dress you.
You know, Sonia, some men make
better husbands if you don't marry them.
But there are others...
Well, a girl's got to help a fella
to make up his teeny mind.
I'll help him.
My Mr World.
No, that's no good,
it's too small.
Let's see if you can get
those top ones up a bit.
You mean the deltoids?
Yeah. Yeah, that's better.
Now hold it there.
Quite still. Hold it.
How's this for the end
of the second round?
It's old stuff. You gotta give the public
new gimmicks the whole time.
You know what I gave 'em once?
A couple of women wrestling
in a ring full of fish.
You should sign up a couple of fish
who wanna wrestle with women.
This is my best position.
Relax, boys,
it'll come all right on the night.
Now you got all that,
what you gonna do with it?
What kind of question's that?
I'm gonna take a crack at the Mr World title.
I can fix you up in wrestling -
a few fights.
Wrestling's the worst thing you can do
for muscle development.
- You could make yourself some real dough.
- Out!
Mr World, pie in the sky.
And afterwards, a muscle-bound hunk
of stale male cheesecake.
- Definitely not.
- Ha, muscle boy.
I have an appointment with Blackie.
Now there's a fella
who really knows what time it is.
- How are you?
- How are you?
- Fine. When you fighting next?
- Tonight.
- Gimme a ticket?
- Sure.
What a comeback he's gonna make tonight,
and for real dough.
The Python? A thing of the past.
The old booze finished him.
Not a drop in three months.
OK, Champ, we're ready for you.
Python, boy, you're looking fine.
I'm pleased to see you.
Hey, Blackie,
what a smell of fish and chips here.
- Open up that door.
- Where's the wreck?
The wreck says goodbye
to more than the wreck.
Champ, I want you to meet the Python.
You done well, Python.
That's how it is.
Some go up, some go down.
- That's how it is.
- You don't need to change.
You gotta take it easy with him, Python,
he's getting on.
Let's get it all rehearsed,
and there can't be no slip-ups.
What you got in mind, Blackie?
Eight rounds,
the champ takes the fall in the fourth.
Hey, Blackie,
what you got there?
Do you mind, sir, excuse me.
Leave alone.
Go on, get outta here, will you?
You're just a creampuff.
Now I show you this one first.
How's the well-known fiance?
Everybody seems to be going blonde
around here.
Marilyn Monroe,
it's come out like a sort of a rash.
Nice big bag of coconuts.
- How's that?
- Yeah, head up.
Over there now, this is it.
- Lovely.
- Hi, Sonia.
Sonia darling, he's in wonderful shape
that Sam of yours.
You're gonna be a very happy girlie,
I can tell you.
Once you're married,
everything is wonderful.
Only how long does it take
to get married?
A long engagement is a good thing.
You get to know one another.
Mimi, how're the chips coming?
The chips are still a bit hard.
Mimi, go finish your piano practice.
Go, play.
Oh, Uncle Blackie!
Fancy a few chips, Sonia?
I'm certainly looking forward
to your wedding.
Me too.
You know, there is one boy
who to me is like my own son,
my own flesh and blood.
Mind you, he's stubborn.
If only he didn't have this muscle boy
nonsense in his brain the whole time.
But it gives him a wonderful physique,
which is nice in a fella.
Certainly, but what good does it do?
I'd like to help the boy out,
I don't know.
Maybe I could fix him
with three, four fights.
He could make himself a lot of dough
and not get hurt either.
He's a popular boy,
he'd be a terrific draw.
In the wrestling?
In the wrestling
he could make good money,
which is nice,
if you're getting married.
- I'll have to be going now, Sam.
- See you later on.
Hi, darling.
- Hey, kid. Beat it, kid, will you?
- You didn't say please.
How much do they get for a fight?
That fight? Maybe 50 apiece.
- Maybe Blackie could fix you up.
- Definitely not.
Oh, but Sam, you're always saying,
if only you could make some real money,
the first thing you'd do is get me a ring,
so we can be properly engaged.
Yeah, I know, I know, and I will, too.
I'm just dying to get married to you.
Sure, me too. Me too, baby.
but even with all that rehearsal,
wrestling can ruin the body development.
How long can we go on like this?
Why don't you ask Mr Kandinsky
what to do?
Kandinsky don't know everything, Joe.
That unicorn business, for example.
My whole life I never seen such a thing.
No? Well, who invented fireworks?
Huh, you're asking me?
The Chinese.
And what's being pregnant?
Joe, Joe, that's enough, shh!
Mr Kandinsky knows all that,
so don't show your ignorance about unicorns.
What have you done
with your old hair?
I thought there was something different.
- Like it?
- Yeah.
- I liked it better before.
- Oh!
How about this?
Take it easy with him, Python.
What you wanna do, hurt him or something?
How about this?
That big ox.
What's he sorting the old boy out for?
What's that boner think he's doing?
Cut it out,
you great hunk of horsemeat!
You want to stop me, creampuff?
Cut it out, fellas.
Sam, don't!
Leave Sam alone,
he's younger than you.
Fellas, fellas, what're you trying...
I'm biting right through to the bone.
Python, save it for tonight.
You're ruining me.
Sam, don't!
You just wait till I get my unicorn.
All right, Blackie, fix me a fight.
You mean that, Sam?
Him, I'll fight.
Hot cockles and mussels!
That's bad,
a deal falling through like that,
but Africa's a growing country -
young, strong.
It's bound to be hard.
Yes, I suppose so.
I know this man longer than you,
He came to me a boy,
an under-presser, like Sam,
but ambitious.
When he married a girl not from here,
I think to myself, "Maybe...
"that he picked himself a winner."
- I did, too.
- That's right.
- Carrots?
- Yes.
You don't know us people down here,
Joanna, if you think trouble can beat us.
Confidence, that's all it needs.
Look at me.
All my life
I want a patent steam presser.
I don't get it yet,
but I still got confidence.
Believe me, you'll get your farm.
You'll have to come on a long visit,
Mr Kandinsky.
You wouldn't have to ask me twice,
I can tell you.
With that marvellous climate
they got out there,
an old man like me
can jump around like a bird.
Think, just one or two lucky deals.
Just one lucky deal,
that's all it wants.
- Maybe an orange farm?
- Yes. Yes, oranges.
You can imagine.
Smell that, it's marvellous.
- Wonderful.
- Mm.
Oranges is the best thing
for growing boys.
I'll do this one for Joe.
I had some new passport photographs
made all ready.
Good, that's confidence.
Why don't you send him one?
A photograph of a loved one...
- Oh, look!
- Mm.
A passport photographer
is a nothing photographer.
We'll never go.
there is your whole life to come.
But nothing goes right for him there.
Two years
and now nothing goes right!
I just wait and wait.
Everybody, everybody, listen!
- Joe, Joe, shh.
- I've got terrible news, it's wonderful!
Sam's going to f...
Mr Kandinsky,
Sam's going to fight the Python.
Joe, look, Joe, the prettiest girl
in the whole east end, isn't it, Joe?
Look, what do you think of that?
Marvellous, eh?
A girl?
- Can I tell you about Sam?
- Shh. Isn't she pretty, Joe?
Go, tell her she's pretty, son, go on.
Go on, go on, tell her.
I think you're very pretty and nice.
How long is anyone pretty?
You're pretty so long
somebody loves you. Isn't it, Joe?
Can I have the stamps?
Oh, I've had these already.
Oh, Joe, you are dirty.
What do you expect?
I was fighting the Python.
You didn't feed your chick yet, Joe.
You just feed him now
for a minute, eh?
What should we do without you?
It don't arise, darling, I am here.
She often cries like that.
I tell her there's nothing to cry for,
but she still cries.
Women do cry, you know, Joe.
I do wish my father
could come back from Africa.
Also, there's no seed left
so how can I feed my chick?
Something terrible
has happened again.
Look, it's dead.
That's bad.
Come, Joe,
we give him the full honours.
You see, Joe,
you're just not a born chick raiser.
Can I carry him?
I'm getting a bit discouraged
with these animals dying the whole time.
You see, Joe, he's very small.
Such a small animal
can only have a very small life.
This, you see, Joe,
is why he loses it so easy.
If you get a bigger animal, it would have
a bigger life, so it would live longer.
Look, Joe...
I'll buy you a dog.
No, buy me a unicorn with a magic horn
and everybody can have their wish,
like you said.
But, Joe, in the old days, these unicorns
was as common as carthorses.
Wherever you went in the street,
you could see half a dozen.
Wishes came easy.
Whatever you wanted, you just
stretched out your hand and there it was.
A glass lemon tea, a new hat, a...
A steam press even.
No one was poor,
but some were greedy
and they stole from the unicorns,
their horns.
We could do with a unicorn.
Everybody round here
wants something.
They all died
in their thousands,
the lovely unicorns.
They gathered together
in dusty yards
and at the bottom of those streets
that lead nowhere.
They nuzzled one another for comfort
and closed their eyes,
so as not to remember
what they had lost.
They pined, they shrank.
They faded.
It was no life to be a unicorn.
They all died?
Never jump to conclusions, Joe.
Sometimes, in spite of everything,
a child grows well,
a man goes from strength to strength,
a woman's face does not entirely fade.
In the same way, some unicorns lived.
One of them, a clever unicorn,
he comes forward and says to the rest,
"Listen friends," he says...
You know, Joe,
the best cooks are men.
The kings of Europe pay their chefs
thousands for stew no better than this.
What did the clever unicorn say?
He... oh!
He said, "Listen friends,
if we don't do something soon,
"there'll be no unicorns left in the world."
"Be quiet," some of them shouted,
"Can't you see we are too unhappy
to do anything?"
"Don't be blasphemous," said others.
"It's the will of God."
"Don't interrupt us when we are crying,"
said others.
"It's the only thing left for us to enjoy."
But one old unicorn, he remembered
Africa from when he was a boy,
and he spoke of it to the few of them
that still had heart left.
And to Africa they went, those few,
that very night.
Now, there is absolutely no reason at all
why there should not be unicorns
still in Africa.
But in London, today...
it's a very unusual thing.
So, Joe...
we keep the unicorn in mind,
but the whilst, have a dog.
Mr Kandinsky, do you think
we could get a unicorn into the house?
There is no reason at all why a small
unicorn couldn't be got into the house.
But... that money, that's for a dog.
Get on, fly away, you're not magic.
All alive and squeaking.
All alive and squeaking.
Don't put up with inferior eggs,
raise your own.
Guaranteed to lay
before they're much older.
Day old chicks, day old chicks.
There we are, guv,
there we are, another six.
All alive and squeaking,
all alive and squeaking.
Oh, look at that! An atomic egg that.
Want another one already, cock?
Not today, thank you.
I'm not a born chick raiser.
You gotta know the trick of it, son,
you gotta know how to do it.
I'm going to buy a unicorn.
Yes, that's right,
you go and buy a unicorn.
Aye, go on, go on,
don't forget to feed it.
Go on, take your nose off the barrow,
that's right.
You want to smell good, come to me.
Here you are
breathing finest perfume of the Orient -
especially attar of roses,
essence of the lily.
Here, gentlemen, one bottle
make your girlfriend very friendly.
Better make it two.
Your fortune very good.
Tell your fortune,
cast your horoscope.
- Are you going back to India today?
- Not today.
I'm going to buy a unicorn today.
My pocket's full of money.
- Why, the little perisher don't say a word.
- Talks better English than I do.
'Ere, what's the matter with you
this morning? Gone mad?
Hello, Joe, what's your problem?
I'm downhearted,
my chick died this morning.
May his tiny bird soul rest in peace.
That rotten chick man,
he should be put in a box himself, the louse,
selling chicks to anyone
before they can make a peep-peep yet.
Try something else, Joe.
I think I'll buy a unicorn.
A unicorn
has the most special gift of all.
Only one horn,
but he can grant any wish at all.
The more you eat, the more you choke.
...flux and you're nearly there.
Take up the special soldering tool
in the right hand,
making sure that it's heated up...
I can fix him up all right, the Python.
He caught me off guard back there.
I was off guard, that's all.
Completely off guard.
Oh, Sammy, look, that's the bedroom suite
I was telling you about.
You can either have it
in bird's eye maple
or in sycamore with or without
the bedside cabinets.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
but I can't think about it just now.
They've got it in Spanish mahogany,
but I don't fancy that myself.
These muscles
are not right for wrestling.
This pink bedspread I don't like.
Do you like the bedspread?
From wrestling,
I can lose the muscles I already got.
At least, Sammy, you can look.
I mean, why can't you just look?
Ah, good day, madam,
you're back again.
That's right, now, take your time,
choosing a bedroom suite
is a serious business.
Go on, try it. Sit down,
you'll feel straight away the quality.
You don't want a mattress
what's here today and gone tomorrow.
Your bed is an essential part
of your everyday life,
because you spend
half your life in bed.
It's very comfortable.
Ah. Sleep on a feather bed,
you think you're rested,
ha, you're wrong! And why?
The body is exhausted
because the foundation is not taking
the shape from the body.
Now, this is where I come in.
The latest thing in bed comfort -
the Comfy Slumber.
You should have this quality
and, with each bedroom suite,
we're giving the lucky couple a special gift.
Wait a minute, I'll show you.
Or maybe you prefer a bedside lamp.
If so, we've got here a bedside lamp
which gives you that soft light
which is so nice for the newly wed.
I'll show you the lot and you can...
take your choice.
Are you still interested in the bed?
Because if you're not seriously interested...
I would've said they were
very seriously interested.
Man's best friend, girls, here he is,
number one house dog.
That's not magic.
We don't wanna let everybody know,
mate, do we?
Man's best friend, girls.
Here he is, number one house dog.
It's a unicorn.
Yeah, that's right, a unicorn.
You see, only the one horn.
Ach, he's a runt,
that's all you can say about him.
The weather doesn't agree with him here.
You should feed him on oranges.
- How much is he?
- Five bob. He's a bargain.
I'll give you two shillings.
- Cost more than that to raise him.
- Well, the horn is a bit twisted.
I know that.
That's what makes him all the rarer,
knowing he's a twister,
very scarce.
But it'll grow, you've got
my personal guarantee for that.
I've got three and ninepence.
Eh, kids!
A right bargain, folks.
I don't mind leading him if you're tired
Are you still here?
A bargain, folks.
Heavens, I feel like Little Bo Peep.
Bargain, folks.
Right bargain, folks.
What you going to do with him?
Have him for me dinner
with some onions.
Skin him and take the hide off him
and cut off the hoofs and horn,
and then there'll be nothing
but skin and gristle.
Bargain, folks.
Right bargain, folks.
I'll give you three and ninepence ha'penny
and six Chinese coins.
- That's all I've got.
- Go on, take him away.
Go on, away with you.
Come walkies now.
Thank you.
What're you going to do with him?
I can see you don't know
much about unicorns.
I've got a unicorn!
I've got a unicorn!
Get it outta here.
Get it off.
Get off now.
It's like a zoo here. Come on, get off.
Take it away, Sammy, will ya?
That's right, now get down.
Get down!
Old herring, pickled herring,
small herring...
You'll wear yourself out!
Lovely bunch
of mixed Scottish flowers.
Nice bag of coconuts,
nice big bag.
Don't just look, do something!
But I'm your new uncle.
Call 'em how you like,
they're lovely...
Give it back,
you dirty great animal!
Never mind, Maureen,
it didn't take much.
Stop him!
I've got you this time.
You're putting too much
on that stall, Charlie.
I've gotta give 'em a good show.
I told you it was too much!
Get a good look at yourself
as you really are.
Pure American nylon.
30, 50 and 60 gauge,
all with the new fancy butterfly crotch.
Here you are, girl.
Let me get you into my stockings.
I suppose you thought
you were back with your friends.
That's a funny little thing you got there.
What is it, kid?
It's a unicorn. It's a bit weak.
Can I have some rub-down stuff?
Sure, sure.
- But Python...
- This is my last word.
The Python will fight that creampuff
when he's beaten a tried man.
He's got his reputation to think of.
- That's his last word.
- That's all.
- Here.
- Thank you, Mr Bason.
Come on.
But I'm offering you 75, Python,
it's a lotta dough.
Money isn't everything, you know.
We know already, so don't tell us.
But this muscle boy,
he's never wrestled anybody before.
I tell you he's got his reputation
to think of.
All right, supposing he fights Bason
and wins?
- Don't make me laugh.
- Look how we're laughing.
Supposing he fights Bason and beats him,
would you fight him then?
Sure I would, any time.
There'll be nothing left for him to fight.
Fight Bason, that's rich.
Ain't that rich, Python?
- Bason, I told you to trust old Blackie.
- Did you fix me a fight?
Don't ask questions, just come.
Do stop pulling me around.
But you can't let him
fight the Python, Sonia.
Look, Joanna, it wasn't my idea.
No, I got myself into this fight.
Anyway, Sam, take away from Python
the python grip and what has he got?
This is the grip, see?
Sammy, he'll do you an injury.
The furniture he breaks up.
The chair I can mend,
but supposing that was my neck?
Everybody close their eyes,
What is it, Joe?
This fighting is for the beast of the field,
but at least you can buy Sonia a ring at last.
Oh, forget the ring, all of you.
Will you all please close your eyes!
Mrs Abramowitz, you make me feel
as if I'm going to be cooked.
You're going to be so surprised
when you meet him.
Sam, you don't really wanna wrestle
at all, do you?
Who would,
but this is how we can get married.
Come on in and meet the family.
Joe, Joe, Joe!
Come and have your dinner.
I've got my eyes shut.
Oh, do come in.
Keep your eyes closed.
All right, Joe.
You can open them now.
What you got there, Joe?
It's a unicorn!
Whose is it?
- It's mine, it's a unicorn.
- But Joe...
Isn't he wonderful?
Kandinsky, how are you? Joanna,
you look great. Look, Sam...
Quiet, everybody, quiet,
look what I've got.
- Now, look, Sam, the important...
- Please.
What's this, Joe?
It's a small unicorn.
My father sent it to me from Africa.
It grants wishes.
Look, Sammy, only one horn.
Unicorns only have the one horn.
You said so, Mr Kandinsky.
Looks like a baby kid -
a perfectly ordinary...
Sam, Sam, do you mind?
Number one, only one horn.
Number two,
Joe went to buy a unicorn.
- Right, Joe?
- Right.
Consequently it follows he wouldn't
buy something that wasn't a unicorn.
In which case, he bought a unicorn,
which is what this is.
I could do with a few wishes.
What's the score, Blackie?
Now, look, Sam,
we got a lotta money to talk about.
Is it all right in here, Mr Kandinsky?
Yeah. Come, Joe,
we fix up a house for the unicorn.
What I'm wondering
is how this unicorn got here.
Yeah, that certainly is a problem.
Sonia darling, with me managing Sam,
we'll have a great future.
- You can be our best man, Mr Isaacs.
- You mean it's all fixed?
That's wonderful.
You can call me Mr Cupid now.
Now, Sam, the Python can only afford
to fight someone with a reputation.
You gotta win a decent fight first.
He's gonna fight the Python?
- And what's so funny about that?
- Fight the Python?
Listen, fellas, let me do the talking,
I got the build for it.
Bully here is being a pretty good sport
when he says he'll lay down for you.
Me lay down?
Because Bully needs the dough
from such a fight.
Because otherwise the law gets on his tail
for the back alimony he owes his wife.
The only person I'm fighting is the Python.
It's a personal thing between him and me.
You know what the law says to me
down the long nose it's got?
Pay Mrs Bason,
woman is the weaker vessel.
She's having a wonderful time
at my expense.
Fix me a straight fight for ten quid, Blackie.
Ten quid's all I need.
I give you a good fight, don't I?
So, like I was saying, Sam,
since this is the only fight I can give Bully,
I'm sure he'll be a nice fella
and lay down.
- Right, Bully?
- Well...!
So, Sam, after you fight Bason and win,
then you fight the Python - you follow?
I follow all right.
Now, follow your nose right back
to your stinking fish shop.
I go to a whole lot of trouble, Sam.
Is this being fair to me, or Sonia?
What's Sonia gonna say?
The wedding will just have to be
postponed, that's all.
Four years engaged and you'd didn't get
that poor trusting girl a ring yet.
- Mr Kandinsky, can I borrow some money?
- Help yourself.
I think this unicorn is missing
its father and mother,
- but what can you do?
- What can you do?
Where are they?
In Africa, no doubt.
Then how did the baby get here?
Maybe he was left here
when the unicorns went to Africa.
By now he should be grown up,
but he's no bigger than a dog,
not a big dog either.
Unicorns can't grow up on their own.
They have to be told how
by grown-up unicorns.
The same as you have to be told by me,
otherwise, how will you grow up?
It's the same thing with unicorns.
You are, after all, only human.
Do you think the horn's big enough
for a wish yet?
The horn is a bit small, Joe,
but we can only try.
What do you wish for, Mr Kandinsky?
What do I wish?
You know what I could wish for, Joe?
A patent steam presser.
You open it so.
You put in your trousers.
You close it.
You press the handle,
up comes the steam.
and there's your trousers, pressed.
Yes, Joe,
a steam presser I could wish for.
We can only try.
But what's the proper way to ask him?
On second thoughts, first go,
a steam press is altogether too much.
After all
he's only a very small unicorn.
We try a smaller wish.
All right, we'll try yours later.
Please get my mother
to take me out to the pictures.
Joe, I'm taking you out.
It worked, it worked!
We're going to the dentist, remember?
Oh, it doesn't work.
At least she's taking you out.
That is 50% of the wish.
Give the horn a chance to grow,
then maybe we'll get
a 100% wish every time.
Anyway, get Sonia a nice ring.
We can only try.
- Nice goods, eh?
- Yeah.
But the prices, mad.
What can you expect?
Diamond prices are kept up artificial.
An ordinary fella don't stand a chance.
- That's how it is.
- Mind you, sometimes I can help out.
I got a cousin works in a diamond house
in Hatton Garden.
They get the rejects cheap.
Marvellous, innit?
Five carats of beautiful diamond.
- Funny colour.
- You've heard of blue diamonds?
- Sure.
- That's black and yellow, even rarer.
Those thieves,
they concentrate on white stones
and chuck those beautiful things out.
- How much does such a ring cost?
- A fortune...
- Pity.
- ...if things were not so carved up.
As it is... seven pounds.
But I've only got four pounds.
- Four?
- Yeah.
All right, gimme the four pounds.
Don't push me around
the whole time.
Let's see if Sonia's got her ring yet.
There. It'll make up marvellous
as a wedding gown.
Oh, Ruby, thank you.
- We'll make it very full in the skirt.
- You'll be a smashing bride.
I've got to hand it to you, Sonia,
you did get your man.
Bell sleeves
are better than all that drape.
The debs have gone for high necks,
no cleavage.
Ruby, should I have a long train?
You should carry lilies.
They'll come in useful
if he's fighting the Python.
- Hello, Joe.
- It does make a lovely lot of steam.
Can I work the handle?
what a lovely page boy he'd make.
- Got a kiss for your Auntie Ruby, Joey?
- No!
Now I'm marked!
You're the first boy
that's ever complained.
Nobody asked me
if I wanted anything.
- I think I should have it tighter in the waist.
- What do you want, Joe, dear?
I need some off-cuts badly.
Oh, not tighter.
Well, help yourself.
You didn't ask me
what I wanted them for.
Like this, Sonia.
What do you want them for, Joe dear?
I'm not going to tell you now.
As a matter of fact,
I'm making this for my unicorn.
I wished him to send you a ring.
Oh, that's very thoughtful of you, Joe.
Sonia darling, I'm very happy for you,
but that's enough dressing up in my time.
Ruby darling, come into the storeroom,
I want you to check over those cheques.
- A little work now, eh, girlies?
- I already checked the cheques once!
We're now using the double-check
system for checking cheques.
There they go again.
- That's how she got the job.
- Let's hope she can do all right.
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy
such a job as she can do so well.
Did you see the ring he gave her?
Must be worth a thousand pounds.
What's a ring if you have a champion
like Sam for a husband?
Joe! I saved you a caramel.
Your face.
Lick Madam Rita,
his face is even worse.
The torso itself.
- Here, you take the ring.
- Mm-hmm, but it's on approval.
- Where's Sonia?
- He's a hero,
that's all you can call him.
A hero!
- Look what Lady Ruby gave me.
- Show her the ring.
You must all come and see Sam fight.
You too, Dora.
Sonia, really, I'm glad for you.
Gather round, girls,
a genuine Africa diamond.
My unicorn sent it.
That's a beautiful ring.
That's some size stone.
Like a growth.
Oh, stop getting in our way
when we're working.
Sonia, we are now proper fiancs.
Now that I see who it's for,
I'm glad to make a sacrifice.
- Here. More sacrifices.
- Sammy, it's wonderful.
- Get a load of that. On approval.
- I cry buckets at weddings.
- What's the excitement?
- Look, Lady Ruby.
Oh, I'm so glad. When?
So you fell in at last, eh, Sammy?
When's the honeymoon, eh?
- Did you fix a date?
- June bride.
There's just one detail -
the wedding will have to be held over.
What's held over?
What did you say?
Since I'm not going
into this fighting racket,
the wedding itself will have to be held over
until we can afford it.
That's all.
Maybe it's another 50% wish.
Don't go away, lady,
I got a smashing line in housecoats.
That's all.
Just the wedding?
So, you like the ring?
Ice Berg always give satisfaction?
Gimme the four pounds, I'll scarper.
I got appointments all over.
I still got it in for the Python,
but him I can sort out on a street corner.
Oh, sure, I can just see it.
Straight away Blackie Isaacs
tries to make me into an industry.
It was gonna be for us,
so we could be married.
Now I'm held over.
Anyway, Sam, this way
you keep your fiance
and Sonia goes on being engaged
another few years.
I can't let them make me into something
you keep in a meat safe, can I?
Don't worry, kid, she loves the ring.
I can always tell.
Now, do me a favour, gimme the money,
let me go, I got a living to earn.
My mother hasn't got a diamond ring
and she's married!
Come along, girls, let's get on with it.
- How's the fruit trimming?
- Oh, fine, look.
- Nice. Fruit seems to be coming back.
- Oh, it's a classical style.
I have got my pride, you know?
Oh, my goodness, I'm late.
Sam, if you don't mind!
You've something more to say?
We're very busy just now
with the spring season.
- You left something.
- Lady, don't do it. Look.
But it's a wonderful ring.
But it's a beautiful ring.
My unicorn sent it specially.
That's it, son.
Even a child can tell the quality.
It's like a frog's eye - all misty.
I can sue you for that. Ask anyone
in Hatton Garden, I challenge you.
It's cracked, like crazy paving.
That's a lie!
Well, a little bit cracked.
Four pounds in an expensive box.
What do you want for four pounds?
But, Sonia, it's a special bargain.
It's something I can't get every day.
First I'm held over,
then I'm a special bargain -
you shouldn't want me for a bargain!
Why did I ever let you take me
to Epping Forest that time?
Why did I ever bother?
Right, I've had enough.
That's enough sacrifices for one day.
Do you mind, madam?
Wanna pay through the nose?
All right, then.
Let her go to the posh West End shops,
walk up the red carpet,
have a geezer in a frock coat take her for
a ride. That's what she wants? Let her have it!
Sonia, to hell with everything. Let's get
straight married in a registry office.
Married? That's different.
Why didn't you say so?
'Ere, wedding ring, white gold.
Getting married without
a proper engagement!
That's a terrible thing to say
to a respectable girl.
That's right, Sonia, Sammy'll give you
a couple of rooms in Fashion Street
and three babies every two years.
Listen, Sammy, if you can't name a date
for a proper wedding,
then we can have our divorce right now.
Most inexpensive wedding and divorce
I ever saw.
Please don't speak to me again until.
So, I'll fight.
But if I get my neck broken,
I hope you marry yourself a fat millionaire
in the sausage business.
But don't worry, I'll fight!
What's all the fuss?
Sam can't lose,
we've got a unicorn now.
You're wasting your time!
Please make Sam win.
Come on,
you've got your reputation to think of.
'Ello, Joe, why don't you come in?
I can't, I've got my unicorn here.
That don't matter,
bring him in as well.
Here, quick, no one'll notice.
You all right?
Kiss and make up.
Shut up!
Synthetic emerald -
marvellous, innit?
- Argh!
- Innit?
After Sam wins this fight,
he's going to beat the Python.
That's two fights you've won for him
already, Joe.
It's not me really, it's my unicorn.
You're doing fine, Sam.
What are you doing down there, kid?
Come on, let me give you a hand.
Dear old pals, cheerio pals!
I suppose this means
Sonia has to start all over again.
Don't fight him, summons him.
Toffee apples.
What a man!
You know what
all the boys are wearing -
plain gold signet, nice little centre,
diamond star cut, very distinctive.
Twist his legs off!
You know something?
For you, a tiepin would be nice.
- I told you we should've gone to the dogs.
- You should live in a kennel.
You said you weren't gonna try.
Plenty of time, kid,
I've gotta give 'em a show.
Roll 'im over. Let's do it again.
You don't have to hit him.
Sammy, keep your face away from him.
At least look after your face!
Give it back to him, Sam!
He's behind you, mate!
Come on, Sam!
Sam! Come on!
Come on, Sam!
Come on, Sam!
Come on, Sam!
Come on, Sam!
Take your horns in, Bully!
The winner, Sam Heppner!
Thank you, you are so clever.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr Muscles has challenged
one of the great names of the ring
for his second fight
and who incidentally
happens to be here tonight,
the dreaded Python!
The Python,
being the sportsman that he is,
has taken up the challenge
of Mr Muscles, Sam Heppner.
You'll need more muscles
than you've got, Sam.
Now we'll try for
Mr Kandinsky's trouser presser.
Oh, Sam, I was so worried
about you fighting the Python,
but after the way
you came back at Bason,
oh, I know you can beat him now,
I know you can.
It's a quick death, that's all it is,
a quick death.
A wonderful machine, eh?
The most up-to-date steam presser there is.
What do you think, Ruby?
Any machine of yours
fails to interest me.
Sonia, look,
Sam's in wonderful shape.
- Careful!
- I'll see you tonight, Sammy.
Right, Sonia.
now very careful through here.
- It's an expensive bit of gear this is.
- All right, all right.
Right you are.
Turn it a bit to the left...
and watch it down the slope.
Mr Kandinsky's presser.
You got it.
You are wonderful.
- Watch it.
- All right.
- Is it stuck?
- Mr Rita! Mr Rita!
Madam Rita, boy.
What is it, sonny?
Madam Rita, what you going to do
with the old steam presser?
What? I'll sell it.
Why, are you a customer?
Madam Rita, can I have last refusal?
All right, Joe,
you can have the last refusal.
Mr Kandinsky,
Madam Rita's got a new presser.
And why shouldn't Madam Rita
have a new presser?
He's got a car, he's got a good business,
I'm very glad for Madam Rita.
But you should thank my unicorn.
Let Rita thank him -
he got the presser.
But the old presser is beautiful.
Joe... What does he do
with the old presser, Joe?
He's going to sell it
and we have last refusal.
With a steam presser, Joe, I tell you,
life for a tailor can be
an altogether different proposition.
Ten, that is enough.
You are so beautiful. Come on, hurry.
Coming. Coming.
Maybe that unicorn actually is a unicorn!
Come on, Mr Kandinsky.
Joe, Joe, just a minute, sonny...
when about to make a bargain,
show no enthusiasm.
Enthusiasm is the enemy
of the bargain.
I'm dying to know how you get it.
What are you, a couple of amateurs?
Give it a good hard push.
- You knocking off already?
- Tea break.
I slip 'em ten bob, ever since they've
been knocking off for tea breaks.
I'm a tea break financier.
It's a wonderful steam presser
you got here, Mr Rita.
Not "Mr" Rita, "Madam" Rita.
A super special deluxe model.
Only three in the country like it.
It certainly makes that old piece of rubbish
look like an old piece of rubbish.
You must be glad to see the back
of that old machine.
Sure, sure.
So, now, I suppose you throw it away?
After all, what use is it?
It's torn, it's rusty.
What can you do
with an old machine like that?
It's falling to pieces,
just falling to pieces, that's all.
- Joe, Joe!
- Just falling to pieces.
So you pay an old iron man now
to take it away?
You throw good money
after bad rubbish?
You know what
this new machine cost me?
- A fortune, a fortune.
- Come here.
Even this one
I can get forty, fifty pound for.
What are you talking,
forty, fifty, never!
- Never!
- What can you get today for fifty quid?
Are you mad?
Try and buy one,
see what they offer you for forty quid.
Forty quid? Look, Joe, there's no vacuum,
there's no top steam.
It's no good!
Lily, the green number, flog 'em out
for seventeen and sixpence a time.
- It's a model...
- All right!
- I'll get thirty quid for it.
- I'll tell you something, sonny,
if you get 15 for this switchback,
it'll be highway robbery.
From you, I'll take 25, not a penny less.
I'd sooner give it away.
We will take it.
Twelve pounds...
is not interesting?
Do me a favour.
What's the matter?
What's gone wrong?
What do I want
with his rubbish anyway?
All these years I manage with a goose iron,
I can still manage.
After all, from a goose iron,
you get the best pressing.
Anyway, Joe, apart from anything else,
a small point -
I just don't have 25 and that's all.
When the horn grows,
you can have everything.
You don't worry if it grows,
it doesn't grow.
You take things for what they are, Joe,
don't try to improve.
- Hello.
- Good morning.
A chicken is a chicken.
A little unicorn is a little unicorn
and Kandinsky is Kandinsky,
a trousers maker.
He presses trousers with a goose iron,
he gets a crick in the back
and that's how it is, darling.
After all, from a cow's ear,
who can make silver lining?
Pure silk scarves, ladies.
They're as light as the petals
of a rose, my dear.
In a delightful range of pastel colours
to charm you.
Can't you manage that old steam
presser? Try, oh, do try.
Three shillings apiece,
five for two.
Or perhaps you could
bring my father back from Africa.
Give us a wish on your unicorn, Joe.
He's a bit busy just now.
Get him to fix me up with Sam.
Look. Eh?
Charming gift for a lady
for three modest silver shillings.
How your creampuff doing, eh?
You know something?
She's crazy about you.
Yeah, it's a real scandal around here.
I think it's vulgar
for girls to be so obvious.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
Hello, kiddo.
Want to go out with me tonight?
I show you a good time.
Sure, sure.
OK, eight o'clock, I'll be around.
Boy, that sends me!
She's late.
They like to keep a fella waiting.
This way they look shy.
You never look at me like that!
You're for dancing, he's for looking.
- Gonna win for me, Sammy?
- For you alone, Mimi.
You know sometimes I wish
I was a bit more developed myself.
Joe, you should be in bed.
What do you think about, Joe,
sitting there thinking so hard?
In this Joe you have a great thinker.
- Don't talk to me yet.
- What did you say?
- Don't talk to me yet.
- I'm sorry to interrupt you.
Now I've lost the place
where I was thinking.
At his age you can afford to think.
Everything you think is good.
Come on, Joe, go to bed.
You'll be able to think better there.
- Tonight you look a bit old.
- I am a bit old.
At the end of the day you feel it more.
Go on, Joe, I'll come up in a minute.
Don't worry about the steam press,
it'll come tomorrow.
Thank you, Joe.
There's simply no risk,
it can't go wrong.
Just like his father.
Absolutely no risk,
simply can't go wrong.
- The spitting image.
- Africa is covered with diamonds.
Look, look, pick 'em up where you like.
It's... so easy.
And why not?
Look at Rockefeller.
He is digging one day
in his back garden for potatoes,
- a diamond as big as a doorknob.
- We should go in for potatoes.
You can dig up a gold mine
or silver perhaps, or at least oil.
Luck, that's all it needs.
Joe is all my luck.
This is how it is in business.
I also have bad times,
but afterwards, I never look back.
Joe should go to school soon.
With this life,
he's growing up learning nothing.
You live the life and it teaches you.
This waiting you're doing
is also life.
Don't you see, Joanna,
everything is all right, if only we knew it.
I know it all -
don't keep telling me not to worry!
Don't keep telling me
everything will be all right in the end.
I know it will. I know what time
that sign switches off.
Off and on it goes every night
till three in the morning,
and when it goes out, I'm still waiting
for something to happen miles away.
You can't talk life better, Mr Kandinsky.
I know I've got to go on waiting,
and I know I mustn't give up hope.
I can do it so long as you don't
feel sorry for me.
Don't pity me, Mr Kandinsky,
don't do it, please,
don't do it anymore!
Forgive me.
I talk.
You see...
I gave up...
so I talk...
and talk.
Give life every chance, Joanna,
even when it gives you nothing.
Mr Kandinsky...
My name, as a matter of fact,
is Abram.
We're having a date tonight.
Next time I'll wear boxing gloves.
You're wasting your time
with that creampuff.
Are you still thinking, Joe?
Do you notice
how everyone wishes something?
I notice.
That's why we're so lucky.
To wish something is lucky?
Because we have our own unicorn.
We're very lucky.
Everybody can have
everything they wish.
Sam can win the fight
and Sonia can have her diamond ring.
Mr Kandinsky can have
his steam presser
and that unicorn,
his father and mother.
And we...
What do you want?
Whatever you want.
That's what I want, too.
Come on, into bed.
- Anything else?
- You know.
A cuddle with kisses?
A cuddle without a kiss?
A lot of little kisses?
One big kiss?
Good night.
Oliver, see?
And she's very fond of that.
Oh, yeah? We'll show her.
We'll keep it till she's nice to you.
Where d'you think
you're going, Frank?
- Mind your own business.
- The boozer again?
Give over.
While I'm working
my fingers to the bone...
Well, anyway, Sonia,
you do get your ring.
Did you see something yet?
- Hmm?
- You know, that you like?
Oh, nothing suitable.
At night you can smell the grass.
Why can you smell the grass
better at night?
Nothing suitable?
So, I put the money down
on the bedroom suite.
It's in bird's eye maple
and it's beautiful.
But what about the ring?
In the same shop, they have
a wonderful dining room suite in walnut,
and there's this bathroom,
and it's all set out with a pink WC
and black marble wallpaper,
and it doesn't come off with the steam.
It's just like Lyons Corner House.
I want you to have all these things,
but shouldn't we
save some money first?
If I can win the Mr World competition,
you can have everything.
Sammy, don't get so worried.
I believe in you.
And after all, you may get
to absolutely love wrestling.
You want me to spend my life wrestling
to pay for it all?
Well, you did beat Bully Bason.
Yeah, that's right,
I beat Bully Bason, that's right!
I beat him all right.
And Sam, we could get
a lovely home together.
Look, I was a certainty for Mr World.
I'm losing all my muscle development.
A full-time wrestler I'm becoming!
Sammy, don't get so excited.
But the whole time
it's been nothing but this bloody ring.
I have to wrestle Bason,
I have to wrestle Python,
and nothing but this bloody ring.
All of a sudden
I'm a fully furnished wrestler!
But, Sam!
Oh, wait a minute, Sonia,
I'm a bit confused.
But I'm not confused.
Come here.
Come on, come here.
I've got it! I've got it!
Now we hold it for ransom.
If she's nice to you, we give it back.
You mustn't break training completely.
Don't torture yourself, Sam.
Go back to the shop
and do some sewing, huh?
I'll see myself home.
Put that animal down.
Give it me!
Come on, get it. Here he is.
Come fetch it, let's go.
You want it? Here he is.
Come and get it.
Python, stop!
- Get back!
- All right, you want it now, eh?
Come on, you creampuff.
Look out, the police!
Hey, Officer, take a good look at him now,
because after the fight...
You won't recognise him anymore.
He's gonna take his arms and legs off
and wrap 'em around
his pretty girlfriend's throat.
I'll ruin you, creampuff,
you'll see, boy.
I'll ruin you.
You'll find out, you'll find out.
Mark my words, Officer.
I'll murder him. You'll see.
Has he hurt it?
I want you to take out more seats
from the back and put in benches.
- All right.
- We'll get more customers there,
make more standing room there.
When you crowd those seven and sixes,
you left enough space for a dance floor.
Hey, Oliver, keep me a whole row
of seats for tonight.
The fighter's got a lotta friends!
Anything you say, Python.
We'll pack 'em in tonight.
Will you put up that block
to six shillings?
Where can you see ruddy murder
for six shillings?
Hey, Blackie, what gives?
- What?
- Who's gonna win?
It's a straight fight, Ice.
The big needle fight.
So how can we make a book
if we don't know who's gonna win?
Hey, kid, the only animals
allowed in the hall is wrestlers.
I need some more
rub-down stuff badly.
You're costing me a fortune
with the medical supplies.
I'm giving him two rub-downs a day now.
It makes him better twice as quick.
OK, OK, it's in the dressing room.
You're wasting your time,
you can't win.
Oh, go on, kid, beat it.
No more room here, Mr Isaacs.
Look, Charlie,
we could get in 50% more seats.
- Where?
- It's all a matter of a system.
It's about time this floor space
showed me a profit.
Oh, come on Sam, you should know
the Python grip by now.
Try and force my feet apart.
Sammy, look!
Body Beautiful have chosen you
as the man of the month.
Oh, but the obliques are not showing,
and the latissimus dorsi -
there's no definition at all.
And those deltoids
have no highlights whatsoever.
- Well, I think it looks lovely.
- Even the bicep's poor.
Look at that, Bully.
I got it today, a ring you'll really go for,
big as a gallstone - look.
Oh, that's really class.
We're getting a ring
worth a thousand carats.
A thousand carats is vulgar.
Don't strain that unicorn, Joe.
Can I have some rub-down stuff, please?
It's over there, kid.
You can take it easy now,
I think the horn's working.
Sam, look!
Like it? Formerly the property
of a lady of title.
I wish I could tell you who,
you'd fall over backwards.
Python, look at this! It's Sammy.
Doesn't he look wonderful?
Reserve it, Ice Berg.
I'll pay you straight after the fight.
Win or lose, Sonia,
you do get your ring.
After tonight,
the body won't be so beautiful!
Maybe we should send him
back to Africa for a holiday.
Maybe we should never have brought
him from Africa in the first place.
Use your horn
to make yourself better.
I think he understands.
- I hope so.
- I'll give him another rub down.
Come on, Mr Kandinsky.
I can't find my trousers,
a trousers maker with no trousers.
Joe, your unicorn got me that ring.
Oh, Sonia, show it me, let's see it.
Sam's buying it for me,
right after the fight.
C'mon, Sonia,
I've gotta give him a rub down.
I'll show it to you then.
I still didn't find my...
Ah, there they are.
Make Sam win,
and please
bring my father back soon.
Mum, look, his eyes dazzle.
I should leave him for a bit, Joe.
I didn't want to tell you
in front of the others -
my father's coming back soon.
Joanna, you're not ready yet?
Oh, Mr Kandinsky, your trousers,
they are creased.
There's no time to press them now
with these lousy things.
It'll be nice
when the steam presser arrives.
You still talking
about steam pressers, Joe?
Who's got 25 for a steam presser?
Sam will, when he wins the fight.
That's true!
- Sam could buy the steam presser.
- Why should he?
If I made him a partner.
- A partner?
- A junior partner.
But what about Sonia's ring?
But they're not buying it until after,
if I speak to them first...
Do you think she'll agree?
I'm ready for the fight.
Cancel the ring and make Sam a partner.
A junior partner.
Come, Joe. Come, sonny, come.
Come on, Joe dear,
let him have a bit of a sleep.
Come on, Joe.
Stick that in the gas meter
and do yourself in!
You're wasting your time!
What's this, Joe,
new grown-up trousers?
Yes, real flies.
Quiet please!
Bring them in!
Get on with it!
All the best, Sammy!
Come on down, son.
Chop him down to your size,
- It'll take bigger than he's got.
- Up the under-pressers.
- Knock him to pieces.
- Sam.
Here he comes.
Good old Python.
Good old Python.
Pick on someone your own size!
Do it, Python!
Hiya, boys, hiya.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is the main event of the evening.
In a special heavyweight
challenge contest of 30 minutes,
introducing, on my right,
at 281 pounds, the dreaded Python!
Get on with the fight!
You'll see, Mr Python,
you'll only get hurt.
And his opponent, our own local boy,
known as Mr Muscles,
at 228 pounds, Sam Heppner!
He's a good boy.
Seconds away, round one!
Do you have a cigarette?
I'd pay you for it,
only you don't have a tobacco licence.
Fight him, kid.
Go on, Sam!
Get stuck into it, will you!
Get stuck into it, the pair of you.
- Get on with it.
- Why don't you two get in?
Why are we...
Sam, you must try and help the unicorn.
Sam, go for it.
Strangle his eyeballs!
The Python grip!
He's got him!
He broke the grip!
He did it! He did it!
- two, three, four...
- Come on you little creampuff.
Toffee apples.
- How do you think it went, Joanna?
- He's a wonderful boy.
You know, Joanna,
after Sam wins the fight,
if he comes to me
and he says, for example,
I bought that old steam presser from
Madam Rita, how about a partnership?
I tell him straight away, yes.
- But Mr Ice Berg...
- But naturally, Sonia must have a ring.
- I have waited...
- Certainly she must.
Only this other way,
she wouldn't just be a girl with a ring
marrying a young fella,
a worker in the tailoring,
she would be marrying a governor,
a partner in a growing business.
It's a wonderful chance, Sonia.
But the dining room suite
and other things...
Furniture you can get from
the hire purchase system, but a future...
where are you hire purchasing that?
Mr Python, Mr Python, Mr Python!
Why don't you give up?
Nobody can beat my unicorn.
Stop resting.
What price you lay against Sam, eh?
Lay a bet against a client,
it's unethical.
A partnership or this other vanity
of vanities - and don't answer.
I don't want to influence you.
It's in your hands.
His life, your life.
You tell me your decision...
after the fight.
Come on, Sam!
He's behind you!
You could do
with some help, Sam.
- One, two...
- Make Sam win!
- Unicorn, please make Sam win.
- ...three, four.
Toffee apples.
Come on, Sam.
Look at this! Look at this!
Come on, Sam.
See him how he used to be.
Unicorn, make Sam win.
Please, oh, do try.
Try harder! Try harder!
One, two...
We won, we won, we won, we won!
We won, we won, we won, we won!
You can't be gone.
Don't hide from me.
Where are you?
Come out now, come on,
why are you frightening me?
He's gone.
What's that, Joe?
Let's have a look here.
You've hidden him, haven't you?
You're having a joke with me.
A golden sovereign.
Where's he gone?
You must tell me.
What has happened, Joe,
is as plain as my nose.
Why did he leave me?
You could see yourself the unicorn
didn't do well in Fashion Street.
Sick, all the time.
Miserable, all day.
So he's gone back to Africa, Joe,
like you said he should, to grow up.
Do you think he's gone for my father?
It could be, Joe.
But look,
to show you it's nothing personal,
he leaves you this golden sovereign,
on account of that magic horn
worth five thousand pounds.
Ten thousand.
Ten thousand, I mean.
In the wilds, Joe.
You take this... for good luck.
He won't come back, will he?
He won't ever come back.
Maybe not, Joe.
Mr Kandinsky, here's your partner.
He's got it for you. He's done it!
I know he's gone to Africa
to fetch my father!
Is this gonna be your future?
- I don't wanna know.
- I made a fighter outta you.
Everybody, look at this bull.
Look, Mr Kandinsky!
Look, isn't it wonderful?
Oh, Joe, it's, it's...
But I'm going to buy it with this.
Come along now.
How are you going
to keep that in the house?
One kid
That my father bought
for two farthings
One kid
That my father bought
for two farthings