A Life Less Ordinary (1997) Movie Script
MAN: So, here's the deal.
We are in the garden, right?
And everything is great.
And there's this tree.
And the man says,
"Ooh, see that tree?
"Don't eat the fruit
of that tree.
"That apple you do not eat."
He goes inside,
names some animals...
maybe takes a dump.
Anyway, what does she do?
She eats the apple!
I can't believe what I'm seeing!
He says, "Don't eat it!"
She eats it!
- Unbelievable!
- [Siren]
Since then, men, women...
I don't know.
It's all going wrong!
DIANA ROSS SINGING:
So inviting
So exciting
Whenever you're near
I hear a symphony
A tender melody
Pulling me closer
Closer to your arms
Then suddenly
Your lips are touching mine
A feeling so divine
Till I leave the past behind
I'm lost in a world
Of make-believe
Whenever you're near
I hear a symphony...
GABRIEL: Divorce.
Miserable marriage.
Wedding canceled.
Remarried.
Divorced again.
Ahh!
Irreconcilable
sexual disharmony!
Dysfunctional marriage!
Divorce! Divorce!
Divorce! Divorce!
Divorce! Divorce!
Well?
Talk to me.
We had a bad run.
O'REILLY:
Things have changed down there.
Men and women
aren't like they used to be.
GABRIEL: Well, things are
changing up here as well.
I'm getting pressure
from above...
if you know what I mean,
for results!
For men and women to be bonded
in eternal bliss.
In the meantime, I've been
instructed to introduce...
new incentive schemes
for our leading operatives.
Leading operatives, huh?
That's you.
O'REILLY: Skip the flattery,
Gabriel. Where's the beef?
It's a hard case to crack.
I have full confidence
you can do it.
If you don't...
you don't come back.
What?
No way.
That's the new incentive scheme.
Your mission
is to unite man and woman...
blah, blah, blah, blah, OK?
When you're done...
you come back.
If youfail...
you stay down there forever.
You are not serious.
GABRIEL: Liberatum mani.
It's out of my hands.
[Distant siren]
SNEAKER PIMPS SINGING:
No ordinary sin
This perfect working order
I'd rather sink than swim
If I can't walk on water
Let the scandal in
This perfect world disorder
I'd rather drown than swim
I can't walk on water
This taste of dilution
Velvet divorce
I get bored
Velvet divorce
I get bored
Velvet divorce
Velvet divorce
I get bored
ROBERT:
She's the secret daughter...
of Marilyn Monroe
and John F. Kennedy, right?
I mean, that's why Marilyn
was murdered.
So, the young girl
grows up in an orphanage...
unaware of
her incredible parentage.
Years go by.
She's beautiful.
She's smart.
She's successful, OK?
MAN ON RIGHT: Then what?
ROBERT: Well, then...
Then she gets sent to London
as U.S. ambassador.
MAN ON LEFT: Where she discovers
who she is...
and also unravels
the secret of the Nazi gold...
hidden underneath the embassy.
ROBERT: Uh, yeah.
MAN ON RIGHT:
It's kind of obvious, Robert.
Of course it's obvious, guys.
It's a trash novel.
You buy it in the airport,
you take it on holiday.
Oh, Ms. Gesteten.
Nice to see you down here.
I'd love to stay and talk,
but, um, you know how things...
ELLIOT: Nice trick, Celine.
- Want to try your luck?
- With the gun?
CELINE: With the fruit.
ELLIOT:
I don't have time for games.
CELINE: If you're afraid,
why don't you just say so?
ELLIOT: Celine, last night,
we discussed a certain proposal.
And I said no,
because you cheat, Elliot.
ELLIOT: OK.
So I'm flirtatious.
It's in my nature.
But I want you to think again.
Do you know how difficult
it is for a woman to find...
a good husband in this town?
Let alone a good dentist.
Celine...
I'm serious.
Robots?
You're telling us we're gonna be
replaced by robots?
That robots will get down on
their robot hands and knees...
and clean the dust out of
every office in this building?
I think not, Ms. Gesteten.
At least the robot won't spend
its time writing a trash novel.
Not even a very good
trash novel, as I understand it.
[Man on right whistling]
Oh, I see. This is personal.
This has nothing to do with me,
Robert.
This comes right from the top...
from Mr. Naville himself.
Perhaps it's time
I spoke to this Mr. Naville guy.
GESTETEN: It's too late.
You're fired.
CELINE: You ready?
ELLIOT: Mm-hmm.
CELINE: Now, if you move...
the offer's canceled.
ELLIOT: OK.
Mm-hmm.
- Wait, Celine...
- Don't speak.
Do you think this is wise?
Puts me off.
ELLIOT: Ha.
Ha.
Stop!
[Body falls]
ELLIOT: Aah! Aah! Aah!
CELINE: Mayhew...
[Robert screaming]
Would you call a doctor?
It would be a pleasure, madam.
LILY: What are you doing here
this time of day?
Hi, Lily.
Well? Answer me.
Lily, I... I got fired.
They replaced me with a robot.
I know how they feel.
ROBERT: Hmm?
Look, I've been meaning
to tell you this...
for a while now, and...
seems like a good a time as any.
Robert...
I'm leaving you.
You're leaving?
What are you talking about?
LILY: His name is Ryan.
He teaches aerobics.
We're in love.
We're moving to Miami.
ROBERT: How can you do this?
At a time like this!
LILY:
I want a man, not a dreamer.
I don't know what to say.
We could talk about this.
I'll get another job.
We'll sort everything out.
LILY: Sorry...
but as of tonight...
you're going home alone.
Uh...
Lily!
LILY: I'm leaving you.
GESTETEN: You're fired.
MAN:
It's kind of obvious, Robert.
LILY: He teaches aerobics.
We're in love.
We're moving to Miami.
[Knocking]
[Knock on door]
Oh.
[Knock on door]
Lily?
[Pounding on door]
Lily?
JACKSON: Mr. Robert Lewis?
ROBERT: Yeah, that's me.
My name is Jackson.
This is my associate
Ms. O'Reilly.
We're from the Firm But Fair
Eviction & Collection Agency.
I have a list of certain items
we're empowered to collect...
under federal and state law...
in lieu of unpaid debts.
Furthermore, we are contracted
to serve upon you...
notice of eviction from these
here premises, uh, forthwith.
ROBERT: I beg your pardon?
O'REILLY: We can do this
with violence or without.
It's up to you.
The client pays our
medical bills, but not yours.
Well?
Oh, without, please.
JACKSON: [Whispering]
Good choice.
MAN: OK, let's go.
SECOND MAN: All right.
[Engine starts]
NAVILLE: Cannot believe this.
[Sighs]
Do you have any idea...
how difficult it is to find
a good husband in this town?
Hmm?!
Or a good dentist, come to that?
[Horns honk]
NAVILLE:
Playing this sort of game...
you have disgraced yourself
once again.
You caught him
through the frontal lobe...
so apparently he'll live.
But he'll never practice
orthodontics again...
that's for sure.
WOMAN ON P. A: Mr. Schneider,
call extension 487.
Mr. Schneider,487.
My main fear is you're going
to end up like your mother...
who long ago found her own
natural level in society.
That is to say
she scuttles along the bottom.
CELINE: Her biggest problem
was marrying a man like you...
a mistake I have taken
great care to avoid.
You...
are gonna go to work, my girl.
CELINE: What?
[Elevator rings]
NAVILLE: You have spent
a quarter of a century...
watching the tide
go in and out...
but from tomorrow,
you are going to work...
here, under my supervision.
You're gonna learn
the essence of business...
about money and how it flows
relentlessly back...
towards he who owns it.
How to generate
a profit from a loss...
a loss from a profit.
You are gonna work.
[Elevator bell dings]
NAVILLE: This may not strike you
as very palatable.
ROBOT: Seven...
NAVILLE:
It may make you want to vomit.
NAVILLE: But you will get used
to the taste.
And pretty soon,
you'll be spooning it down...
and asking for more
like all the other kids.
[Door opens]
ROBOT: Eleven...
ROBERT: Mr. Naville, I presume?
ROBOT: Eleven...
ROBERT: You think you can
replace me with a robot?
ROBOT: Eleven...
ROBERT: Well, get this!
ROBOT: Eleven...
ROBERT: Aah!
ROBOT: Twelve...
thirteen...
ROBERT: Fuck.
ROBOT: Fourteen...
ROBERT: Ohh!
Nobody fucking move!
Nobody fucking move!
Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah!
ROBERT: Everyone on the floor!
Everyone!
Everyone!
ROBOT: Four, five...
six...
[Slurred] seven...
Now, I want my job back!
I want what I had before,
Mr. Naville!
I'm gonna count to five.
If you don't oblige me,
I'm gonna kill you.
One!
Two!
Three!
[Chuckling]
Four!
- Five!
- [Gunshot]
Ow!
- Ow!
- Ow!
- What did you say that for?
- Five comes directly after four.
ROBERT: I know that!
CELINE:
I thought you had a problem.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Without access
to a proper education...
- Shut up!
- I was just trying to help.
I don't need any help.
NAVILLE: You'll die for this,
I swear to God.
- I'm sorry. No.
- You could shoot him again.
CELINE: In the head this time.
I'll count to five.
Shut up!
Who are you, anyway?
Nobody!
CELINE: I'm his daughter.
Aah!
[People talking, laughing]
MAN: This kid's got a gun.
Hey, cool it.
MAN: Take it easy, pal.
Chill out.
ROBERT: Drive!
Will you just drive?!
CELINE: I can't.
- What?
- I don't know how.
- You don't know how to drive?
- I never learned.
- Why not?!
- I didn't need to!
Well, you do now!
This one makes it go faster,
that one slower.
This is forwards,
that's backwards.
The rest you can pick up
as we go along.
Drive!
CELINE: Where are we going?
ROBERT: Never mind that.
Just drive more carefully.
CELINE: He cut in on me.
ROBERT:
Mirror, signal, maneuver.
[Whistling]
ROBERT: You say nothing, OK?
WALT: Afternoon, ma'am.
Afternoon, sir.
My name's Walt.
I'm here to help you any way
I can during your visit...
be it short or long...
and whether it is purely
for refueling purposes...
or for the use of our extensive
washroom and retail facilities.
- Is this a gas station, Walt?
- It sure is, sir.
Then fill it up with gas
and cut the crap.
The guy was just doing his job.
You know, he was just trying
to be helpful.
You're in a lot of trouble,
you know?
My father's
gonna have you killed.
Do you realize that?
Tortured first, naturally.
Then he's gonna have you killed.
ROBERT:
And what if I let you go?
CELINE:
I don't know. What do you think?
Think he's just gonna
forgive you?
Wait a minute.
Why would I ask him
to forgive me?
Your father treated me
like a piece of shit...
like I was nobody...
just because I was a cleaner...
like I was disposable.
WALT: Ahem.
Well, that's the tank full, sir.
Thank you, Walt.
That's for you, Walt.
You're a man, Walt.
Not a slave, not a machine.
Don't let anyone
ever treat you otherwise.
Go on.
[Starts engine]
[Window squeaking]
CELINE: It's empty.
[Glass breaks]
ROBERT: Let's get this clear.
I'm not gonna hurt you...
but I am the kidnapper,
and you are the...
CELINE: Victim.
That's just the way it is.
It's OK.
I've been through this before.
Kidnapped before?
Yeah. I was twelve.
- God, that's terrible.
- It was a long time ago.
ROBERT: So... so how am I doing?
In the kidnap?
ROBERT: Yeah.
So far,
you're not doing too bad.
Thank you.
Anyway, I'm just tying you up so
you can't escape in the night.
CELINE: I know that.
ROBERT:
Because, of course, you would.
CELINE: Are you gonna try
to have sex with me?
No.
Isn't that what
you brought me up here for?
No, it's not.
CELINE:
It didn't even cross your mind?
No. Well... No.
Do you have a problem with sex?
No.
CELINE:
So you're just frightened of it?
ROBERT: No.
- Nervous, then?
- I'm not nervous.
- Then calm down.
- I'm perfectly calm.
ROBERT:
I'm just trying to explain...
that there's no sexual motives
for my actions.
CELINE:
I'm glad we got that cleared up.
So, what did they do next?
They put a needle in my arm
and took a pint of blood...
and sent it to my father.
The next week
they did the same...
and the same the next week
till he paid up.
He waited six weeks.
That's what happens
to the victim.
ROBERT SINGING:
Around our way
The sun shines bright
Around our way
The birds sing for ya
'Cause they already know ya
[Pages turning]
Enjoying the book?
CELINE: No.
ROBERT: What's it about?
It's a romance.
This girl meets this guy.
They fall in love.
It's bullshit.
ROBERT:
I'm writing a novel myself.
A lot of people say that,
but in my case, it's true.
I'm not interested...
in you or your novel...
or any other pathetic ambition
you have...
to change your miserable,
mundane existence.
ROBERT:
Do you want some exercise?
CELINE: No.
ROBERT: You can't say no. It's
not part of the arrangement.
- I want to read my book.
- You said it was bullshit.
Doesn't mean
I'm not enjoying it.
- You just said you weren't!
- A girl can change her mind.
O'REILLY: " She heard
his breathing become shallow...
"and a flicker of a smile
chased across her lips...
"as she meditated on the power
she now held over him.
"'Are you sure you want
to catch that flight? '
"she asked."
JACKSON: Do you think
they're in love yet?
O'REILLY: No.
JACKSON: If they are in love,
we can go home.
THE SHIRELLES SINGING:
Tonight, you're mine
JACKSON: I hate it down here.
I hate the air
and I hate the food...
and I hate the plumbing.
O'REILLY: " She pulled him
closer, unable to stop."
JACKSON: I ache... all over.
"This, indeed,
was perfect love."
JACKSON: I sweat in the heat
and ache in the cold.
[Whistling]
THE SHIRELLES:
But will you love me tomorrow?
Why can't we stay
someplace decent?
Budget doesn't cover that.
Exactly. Why not?
You know those mysterious ways
you keep hearing about, Jackson?
[Whistling]
Well, this is one of them.
"...cold, gloating gaze,
she let her hand droop down...
"towards the bulge
of his passion."
I remember the good old days.
O'REILLY: " She heard
his breathing become shallow."
All you had to do
was introduce a man and a woman.
Nature did the rest.
O'REILLY: "She gasped..."
ROBERT: Aah! Fuck!
O'REILLY:
"with surprise and delight."
Doesn't work like that anymore.
O'REILLY: " All of her soul
erupted between her thighs...
"as she sensed the firm,
exploratory pressure...
"of his warm flesh."
JACKSON: Men and women...
it's all gone to shit.
Sure has.
"In the hidden recess
of her pelvis...
"their bodies fused
into one writhing mass...
of torrid, torrid sexual..."
THE SHIRELLES: When the night
Meets the morning sun
[Robert coughs]
THE SHIRELLES: I'd like to know
That your love
Is a love I can
Be sure of
So tell me now
ROBERT: Mmm.
THE SHIRELLES:
And I won't ask again
ROBERT: Mmm.
THE SHIRELLES:
Will you still love me tomorrow?
ROBERT: Mmm.
Aren't you hungry?
CELINE: I don't eat red meat.
ROBERT: Well, you could eat
the vegetables.
CELINE:
They're on the same plate.
So?
I'm not gonna eat this.
Do you eat fish and poultry?
Yes.
But not red meat?
No. Or eggs, unless I know
they're free-range.
Then why didn't you tell me
you don't like meat?
Because you didn't ask!
And I do like meat.
I just don't eat it.
Moral reasons, if you must know.
If you had taken the time
to inquire...
ROBERT: Why are you such a pain
to be with?
Because you tied me to a chair
all night!
Because I am the victim...
and you are the kidnapper,
apparently!
Meaning exactly what?
"Kidnap For Beginners"...
chapter one...
have you even asked
for a ransom yet?
[Fly buzzing]
[Dialing telephone number]
Don't say a word
until I tell you.
[Telephone ringing]
Hello. Mr. Naville?
lt... it's me.
Now, I want my...
Me.
The kidnapper!
Right. Now, what I want...
It's not like that.
That's unfair now. I would not...
[Click]
What are you doing?
CELINE: No, what are you doing?
ROBERT: I'm negotiating
with your father.
- Did you get very far?
- Well, he kept interrupting.
- Right.
- Wouldn't let me finish.
Remember
what they didn't teach you...
at Harvard Business School, OK?
I didn't go
to Harvard Business School.
It's a figure of speech, Robert.
Oh.
Sorry.
CELINE:
Negotiation is a weakness.
You are the kidnapper.
You demand, and he complies.
You go in hard,
and you go in fast.
- Hard and fast.
- Right.
I'm you.
You grasp that?
OK.
Pretend it's ringing.
You psych yourself up.
Go to your dark side.
OK. He answers.
All right, you motherfucker,
I've got your daughter here.
I'm sending her back in pieces
if I don't get what I want.
I'm gonna pull her fingers out
with pliers...
and then I'm gonna fry them up
for breakfast, understand?
And so on and so on
like that, OK?
For no longer than
thirty seconds.
What?
[Beck's "Deadweight"
playing in background]
[Telephone ringing]
Hello there. Mr. Naville?
Now...
Right, you asshole,
I've got your daughter here...
and I'm gonna cut her up...
and post her home to you
in boxes! Small boxes!
[Telephone ringing]
Right, daughter,
I've got your asshole here...
and I'm gonna send...
Right! Right!
No, I can't speak to anyone!
I need to speak to him!
Hello?
Yeah, I can hold.
Right, listen, you asshole,
I've got your daughter here...
and I'm gonna send her back
in pieces unless...
Oh, I'm sorry, madam.
No, I must've dialed
the wrong number.
No, I haven't got
your daughter here.
I have someone else's.
No, we're not married.
Yes, I've read the same thing.
It's very hard to find
suitable young men these days.
Well, I'm sure
your daughter's very nice.
In principle, I've got
no objections to meeting her...
What is the problem?
I think you should
just send a letter.
NAVILLE:
Done this kind of work before?
O'REILLY: We do everything.
Eviction and debt collection
are our daily bread...
but personal retrieval,
bounty hunting...
you name it, we do it.
NAVILLE: How much?
Our fee for the recovery
of your daughter is...
one hundred thousand dollars.
That's a lot of money.
Five thousand advance.
The rest is cash on delivery.
No daughter, no dough.
Naturally,
we operate a sliding scale...
whereby if we only bring back
part of your daughter...
we only get part of the money.
That's enough, Jackson.
If he's cut her ears off,
and we can't find them...
we'll knock a couple thousand
off the tariff.
More for a limb, obviously.
O'REILLY: Jackson.
Sorry.
O'REILLY: Mr. Naville,
I don't think you need to worry.
My partner is simply envisaging
a worst-case scenario.
What about the kidnapper?
You want him, too?
That's extra.
What if he gets in the way?
We'll deal with that situation
if it arises.
What if I want him
to get in the way?
Let us speak plainly,
Mr. Naville.
You want we should kill him?
Yes.
JACKSON: [Snaps fingers]
Uh...
Sir, I must say...
No one's asking you, Mayhew.
Very good, sir.
I am not gonna kill anyone.
If we don't get this job,
someone else will.
- Two hundred thousand dollars.
- Including expenses?
O'REILLY:
Including all expenses...
except medical costs...
for which you accept full
and unlimited responsibility.
NAVILLE: Only for the duration
of the contract.
- Naturally.
- It's a deal.
[Creaking noise]
[Knock on door]
[Knock knock knock]
TOD: Good afternoon.
ROBERT: Hi.
TOD: I'm Tod Johnson.
I live up the hill.
ROBERT: That's nice.
TOD:
I see most things from up there.
Saw you arrive.
Big car, middle of the night.
ROBERT: Right.
TOD: Wondered "Who's that?"
ROBERT:
Perfectly natural question.
TOD: So I asked Felix.
ROBERT: Felix?
TOD: Felix is my friend.
He hasn't been the same
since the war.
ROBERT: Of course.
TOD: I asked him.
I said, " Felix, tell me...
"are they good,
or are they evil?"
One bark for good, two for evil.
Felix is a dog?
Do you think
that I would talk to a dog?
Do you think
I would ask a dog...
whether or not
you're good or evil?
What do you think I am...
some kind
of a crazy backwoods lunatic...
with a barn
full of human skulls...
and a scythe
that I sharpen every day...
in readiness for Armageddon?
No.
I'm sure you're a regular guy.
Right! I'm regular!
I am a regular man.
I want...
That's not the point!
The point is, who are you?!
Who are you?!
Well, I'm...
We're newlyweds.
Are you coming back to bed
soon, darling?
ROBERT:
This is Mr. Johnson, dear.
Hello.
TOD: Pleased to meet you, ma'am.
You can call me Lucille.
TOD: My pleasure, Lucille.
[Kissing repeatedly]
CELINE: You're not
from the newspapers, are you?
I live up the hill.
CELINE: Oh, good. You can't tell
the newspapers we're here.
They never leave us alone,
on account of Ritchie.
Ritchie?
CELINE: You recognize Ritchie,
don't you?
Ritchie Vanderlow?
Six gold albums...
three platinum.
Fourteen consecutive
top-ten singles.
Largest-selling artist
worldwide...
for the last twelve months?
Ritchie Vanderlow!
TOD: You have got to understand,
ma'am...
I watch mainly
the biblical channels.
It's OK.
We were married in secret...
in a castle in Scotland.
That's in England.
Near Paris?
[Speaking French]
Paris.
Right.
It was so romantic.
We stayed there
for our honeymoon...
but it wasn't long enough...
so we came here for the sake
of a little privacy.
Mmm. I see.
Would you like to come in...
Mr. Johnson?
No, I better be on my way.
I have to feed Felix.
CELINE: OK.
Well...
it was a pleasure to meet you,
Mr. Johnson.
See you around.
I'll catch you later then,
Mr. Johnson.
Take care, Ritchie.
Thanks.
This?
The ransom note.
- Right. Anonymous.
- Yeah.
Robert...
my father knows who you are.
Oh, I never thought of that.
You are the worst kidnapper
I've ever met.
ROBERT: Oh, and that's all I am
to you, isn't it?
The latest kidnapper!
A lifestyle accessory.
And if it doesn't work,
it doesn't matter...
'cause you can always
get another one.
Quit being so melodramatic.
I'm trying to do my best here...
under really difficult
circumstances!
It's not made any easier...
by you criticizing
everything I do!
- How much you asking for?
- Half a million.
- Dollars?
- Yes.
- U.S. Dollars?
- Is there a problem?
Half a million dollars
isn't a lot of money for me!
It's not meant
to reflect you as an individual.
If word got out I was liberated
for half a million...
I could never show my face
in polite society again.
Diamonds have no value except
that which is placed upon them.
It's more complicated
than I thought!
OK, don't worry...
all right?
You're trying hard.
You're keen to learn.
That's important.
Let's just not
lose sight of the fact...
that we have the opportunity...
to make
millions of dollars here.
We?
Yes, Robert.
You and me.
Is that not a little irregular?
Yes, it is.
Millions?
Please, dad,
just give him the money!
[Sobbing]
He's gonna kill me, daddy!
Please! Just put it
in the trunk of the car...
two miles south of Palmer,
please, daddy!
Daddy!
[Muffled screaming]
[Clock ticking]
[Mumbling]
OK, OK, OK.
OK, OK.
[Shuts door]
[Ticking]
[Ding]
[Electronic beep]
Nice shooting.
Thanks.
[Breathing heavily]
ROBERT: Shit.
[Gasps]
ROBERT: Aah!
MAN: No problem.
Exactly as you predicted.
"Quick, drive my car."
[Laughing]
O'REILLY: Here's forty dollars.
If you don't mind me asking...
how did you know
he'd react like that?
It's our job
to know things like that.
You done
this sort of thing before?
Let's go!
You can take the car,
but remember, it's stolen.
CELINE: Look,
they weren't trying to kill you.
They were trying to confuse you
and scare you.
ROBERT:
Yeah, before they killed me.
And I lost the car,
and I didn't get any money.
CELINE: You can't expect to get
everything right the first time.
Look, you are going to be fine.
You are going to be...
a success.
Do you think so?
You didn't get caught, right?
No.
No, I didn't get caught.
I fooled them.
I got away.
Maybe we should go out.
Out where?
For a drink.
What, like on a date?
Yeah, like a date.
[Country music playing
in background]
I wouldn't call it
a bad relationship.
No, Lily and I, we just...
You know,
we just grew apart as people.
There was no bitterness
on either side.
She left you?
No, no, no, no. No!
Yes, she left me.
CELINE: Mmm.
The aerobics instructor.
How did you know?
CELINE: You have the demeanor...
of a man who's been left
for an aerobics instructor.
- I do?
- Yeah.
CELINE: But be honest.
It was inevitable.
You two weren't suited
for one another.
You dream of something better.
She wants it now.
Hence, the gymnast.
Am I right?
ROBERT: Well, yeah.
CELINE:
Yeah. It's a common scenario.
ROBERT: Can I tell you about
this dream I have? You're in it.
I'm in your dream?
Now I feel violated.
- Oh, it's not like that.
- I don't wanna hear it.
Perhaps this is
a good opportunity...
to tell you about my novel.
Look, I'm not interested
in your novel.
It's 1962, right?
And Marilyn Monroe...
is giving birth to a baby girl.
She's on the phone
to Jack Kennedy...
saying, " Jack, it's yours.
It's yours, Jack."
So the orphan grows up...
And she solves
some great mystery, right?
It's kind of obvious, Robert.
Let's play a game.
If I win...
I go free.
ROBERT: Look, you are free.
The kidnap's over.
You're more a kidnapper
than I am Ritchie Vanderlow.
Indulge me, Robert.
Well, if it's what you want.
It's all I ever want.
ROBERT: OK.
You're free.
That's right.
Aren't you gonna leave?
We haven't got our money yet.
[Singing]
Don't take your love to town
Oh, Ruby
For God's sakes, turn around
TOD: Big hand! Big hand!
Big hand for local boy
Scottie Sherman.
[Applause and cheering]
We are privileged
to have here tonight...
a very special guest...
who is a close personal friend
of mine...
and I'm gonna ask him
to come up here and sing a song.
He is the best-selling artist
in the world...
with twelve gold albums...
sixteen platinum albums...
and thirty-two
number-one hit singles!
Mr. Ritchie Vanderclaw!
[Wild cheering]
[Barking]
[Ruff ruff]
ROBERT: Thank you very much.
My name is Rob...
Ritchie Vanderlow...
and, um...
I'd like to sing this song
for my beautiful wife...
CROWD: Aww.
ROBERT: Lucille.
Uh...
Oh, and this is
a very special song for us.
[Big band music playing]
[Singing]
Somewhere
Beyond the sea
Somewhere
Waiting for me
My lover stands
On golden sands
And watches the ships
That go sailing
Somewhere
Beyond the sea
She's there
Watching for me
And if I could fly
Like birds on high
Then straight to her arms
I'd go sailing
It's far
Beyond the stars
It's near
Beyond the moon
I know
Beyond a doubt
My heart
Will lead me there
Soon
We'll meet
Beyond the shore
We'll kiss
Just like before
And happy we'll be
Beyond the sea
And never again
I'll go sailing
[Song continues playing]
ROBERT AND CELINE: [Singing]
I know
ROBERT AND CELINE: [Singing]
I know
Beyond a doubt
My heart
Will lead me there
Soon
We'll meet
Touches my heart
to see two young people in love.
Happy we'll be
Beyond the sea
And never again
I'll go sailing
Hmm.
Oh, my God. What happened?
You were great.
I was?
CELINE: Mm-hmm.
I remember drinking tequila.
CELINE: Certainly was a feature
of the evening.
ROBERT: Then I had
an incredible dream.
This dream, I've had it before.
You're definitely in it now.
CELINE: I don't want to hear it.
ROBERT: We were on this
game show called Perfect Love.
CELINE: Never heard of it.
ROBERT: Well, it's just a dream.
I don't think the fact
that it's a game show...
has any relevance.
It merely indicates
my cultural origins.
I mean, were I a tribesman
in the Kalahari, for instance...
the location would undoubtedly
have been different.
But I think
the theme is universal.
We're on this game show
called Perfect Love.
My life was in danger.
CELINE: Are you ready?
ROBERT: Am I ready for what?
CELINE: To write a letter.
Perhaps you'd like to keep this.
We had it analyzed.
It's his handwriting
and her blood.
JACKSON: Without our help,
Mr. Naville...
that could be the last trace
of your daughter you ever see.
O'REILLY: He wants a straight
switch with no delays.
- I want her back.
- Don't worry. We'll get her.
And I want him dead.
That's understood, Mr. Naville.
NAVILLE: Good.
And when this is over,
I want this back.
CELINE:
Bradley was nice, you know?
Extremely wealthy.
Honorable, amusing.
ROBERT: And?
CELINE:
Well, eighty-seven years old.
- Ha ha. Pity.
- Yeah.
CELINE: Then there was Jake.
He was nice.
Very rich.
Just so conventional.
ROBERT: You see?
Rich guys. Conventional.
It's a problem.
Then there was Angelo.
Twenty-five years old...
handsome, healthy...
exciting...
sophisticated.
Considerate.
[Air horns blow]
ROBERT: So?
Well, I think
that we just sort of, um...
grew apart as people.
The aerobics instructor?
[Laughing loudly]
CELINE: Like I said...
it's a common scenario.
[Robert chuckles]
ROBERT: So who was next?
CELINE: Then I started getting
problems with my teeth.
ROBERT: With your teeth?
CELINE: Yeah, my teeth.
[Brakes screech]
MAN: Hey, want a ride?
Hi, thanks for stopping, guys.
Uh, we're not stealing it,
we're just borrowing it.
ROBERT:
Had that dream again last night.
CELINE: What dream?
ROBERT: We were
on that game show Perfect Love.
- Mmm. Fascinating.
- And my life was in danger.
CELINE: On a game show?
ROBERT: I know.
It's difficult to explain.
Strange things were happening.
CELINE: Mmm. So it would appear.
ROBERT:
But my life was in danger...
and you saved it.
My heart was beating so fast...
and then it stopped.
And I was just about to die...
and you saved it.
You saved my life.
JACKSON:
Well, what are we waiting for?
You want to get on with this
or not?
ROBERT: Sure!
JACKSON: You send the girl over.
ROBERT: Ha ha. First the money.
That was the deal.
JACKSON:
Are you OK, Miss Naville?
CELINE: Yes, I'm OK.
I'm just a little frightened.
JACKSON:
Now, don't you worry, miss.
Everything'll be all right.
CELINE: Well?
ROBERT: Whew. It's here.
JACKSON: OK? Send the girl over.
ROBERT: OK, go on.
JACKSON: Ohh, damn.
Aah! Aah!
CELINE: Aah! Aah! Help!
JACKSON: Get down! Get down!
ROBERT: Yes.
CELINE: They tied me up! Ohh!
ROBERT: Ha ha!
[Truck engine starts]
[Truck door closes]
O'REILLY:
Don't move a fucking muscle.
Mmm.
What took you?
JACKSON: He shot up the car!
O'REILLY: You shot up our car.
Now, what did you do that for?
ROBERT:
I was trying to make a getaway.
O'REILLY: You were trying
to make a getaway?
[Labored breathing]
O'REILLY: How is she?
JACKSON: I don't know.
But I don't think it's worked.
They're not... you know?
O'REILLY: Jeopardy.
Jeopardy, Jackson...
always works.
JACKSON: OK.
This is far enough.
ROBERT: Are you... are you going
to kill me?
JACKSON: Yeah.
[Robert sobs]
ROBERT: Well, then I don't see
why I should dig.
JACKSON: If you dig...
I promise you
when the time comes...
I'll shoot you through the head.
[Robert sobs]
JACKSON:
Now, look, you don't like that?
I can just shoot you through
the testicles right now.
You can bleed to death.
I'll dig the grave.
It's up to you.
[Robert sobbing]
Can you cut me free?
Please?
It's sore.
What's he going to do with him?
Shoot him in the back
of the head.
Right.
Would that be a problem for you?
[Robert groans]
JACKSON: Ever felt like
you're not in control of events?
ROBERT: Yes.
JACKSON: No, I mean...
something is...
destined to happen...
and it doesn't?
Like, what happens
when the forces of destiny...
are no longer in control?
ROBERT: I don't know.
JACKSON: The truth is...
I don't think even he knows
what's going on down here...
the chaos, the...
This hatred, this violence.
ROBERT: Who...
Who are you talking about?
O'REILLY: Jeopardy, Jackson...
always works.
JACKSON: Dig.
[Robert laughs]
What are they doing in there?
Should've shot him myself.
CELINE: Yeah, well, you can't
trust them to do anything.
O'REILLY: I take it you're not
in a love situation.
CELINE: What?
O'REILLY:
I mean you're not in love.
What's it to you?
O'REILLY: Nothing.
Just asking.
REM SINGING:
I like it like that
And I know it
JACKSON:
That's OK. You can stop now.
ROBERT: No.
JACKSON:
I've waited long enough.
ROBERT: No.
JACKSON: Give me that. Lie down.
ROBERT: No, no. No!
JACKSON:
Give it to me! Give it to me!
ROBERT: Please!
- Please.
- Shh.
ROBERT: Aah!
[Robert sobbing]
[Jackson cocks gun]
REM:
Leave it all behind
JACKSON:
I commit you to his mercy.
ROBERT: Please. Please. Please.
CELINE: Aah!
Aah! Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
CELINE: No! No!
Get up!
Robert, get off!
ROBERT: Who are they?
CELINE: Come on!
REM:
That's what keeps me
That's what keeps me
That's what keeps me down
O'REILLY: Aah!
ROBERT: Ohh.
Just for a minute there,
I thought we were in trouble.
I told you don't get caught.
Don't get out of the car.
Don't ever go into the woods
with a stranger.
- I know. You're right.
- I'm always right, OK?
CELINE:
You might like to remember that.
ROBERT: Have you got the money?
- Aah!
- Aah!
[O'Reilly laughs]
ROBERT: No! Jesus!
O'REILLY: I'm going to get you.
[Both yelling]
ROBERT: Aah!
[Tires squeal]
O'REILLY: Ohh!
CELINE: Shit.
[Robert panting]
- Oh, shit.
- Where is she?
ROBERT: Oh, shit.
Drive!
[Tires squeal]
ROBERT: Ohh!
Ohh!
[O'Reilly laughing]
Jesus!
- Jump!
- What?
CELINE: Jump!
ROBERT: Aah!
CELINE: Aah!
O'REILLY: Aah!
Aah!
[Scratches]
WOMAN: If the card's no good,
I'm authorized to destroy it.
CELINE: It's my card, lady.
Listen, you don't understand.
- Is there a problem?
- I'm sorry about this, ma'am.
ROBERT:
Don't worry. Don't worry.
I've got some cash, OK?
WOMAN: Thirty dollars, sir.
Thank you.
CELINE: How could he
do a thing like that?
ROBERT: Stay calm, OK?
CELINE: My own father.
He canceled my credit card.
I've never been so humiliated
in all my life.
- I know exactly how you feel.
- You couldn't possibly know.
Only the exceptionally rich
can know how I feel right now.
Don't take it personally.
CELINE: Is he trying to say
I'll find my own natural level?
Sink to the bottom like her?
ROBERT: Like who?
Who are you talking about?
Pull over.
ROBERT: Oh, no.
ROBERT: Oh, no, no, no.
CELINE: Live a little.
ROBERT: This is insane.
CELINE: Stop worrying so much.
It'll be my first time, too.
ROBERT:
That's what I'm worrying about.
CELINE: Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
Next.
CELINE: Hello.
I'd like to make a withdrawal.
ROBERT: I thought we agreed...
no clichs.
CELINE: Fill the bag.
TELLER:
Oh, my God, she's got a gun!
[Whistling]
WOMAN: Leave my daughter alone.
Please, leave her alone!
- Don't be silly.
- She's going to kill her!
ROBERT: She's not going to kill
your daughter.
- Yes, I am.
- What?
CELINE: Shut up.
ROBERT: Christ, no!
CELINE: Everybody calm down...,
or this girl's brains
will splatter the wall.
- Fill the bag!
- Celine!
CELINE: You shut up especially.
ROBERT:
You can't hold the girl hostage.
What?
WOMAN: Oh, no!
CELINE:
You didn't find it difficult.
- That was different.
- Was it?
CELINE: Didn't feel different.
It felt just like this.
Now do you understand
how it felt, Robert?
But you, unlike me,
couldn't pull the trigger.
- Oh, no.
- Good-bye, Robert.
ROBERT: OK, kill me,
but don't touch the girl!
Extremely amusing!
CELINE: " Kill me,
but don't touch the girl."
Robert,
you should be on television.
- Very funny.
- What's wrong?
ROBERT: What's wrong? I thought
you were going to shoot me!
That's what's wrong!
CELINE:
Shoot you? I wouldn't do that.
- Oh, no?
- No! I'm having a great time!
- Oh, good!
- Yeah, certainly is!
CELINE: What's wrong?
Celine, it's over.
ROBERT: Aah!
[Robert screaming]
[Robert moans]
ROBERT: I'm dying, Celine.
I think I'm dying,
and I don't want to die.
You're not going to die.
I don't want to die.
Are you taking me to a hospital?
Because I don't want to die
in a hospital.
CELINE: I'm not going
to take you to a hospital.
What do you mean, you're not
taking me to a hospital?
Take me to a hospital!
Where are you taking me?
ELLIOT: Very nice.
Very nice, indeed.
You could have a perfect smile.
For two thousand dollars,
you could change your life.
No, thanks.
Do you think a perfect smile
just happens?
Is that what you think? Huh?
Do you think that Celine's smile
is her own?
No, it's not.
It's mine.
I gave it to her...
just like I can give you one.
I'll fix your teeth
for twelve thousand dollars.
I didn't get shot in the teeth.
Well, let me tell you something.
It wouldn't have made
too much difference if you had.
I don't want to say anything.
It's your teeth,
but if you wait another year...
you'll have fifty grand worth
of major reconstruction, so...
CELINE:
If you wait another year...
he'll be dead.
ELLIOT: Sorry. Just a little
free consultation.
[Taps button with foot]
ELLIOT: You know,
they wanted me to take a break.
Take a break.
[Laughs]
Go get counseling, you know?
Fuck them. What do they know?
They wanted me to stay
in the hospital.
I discharged myself
this afternoon.
Lucky for you that I did, huh?
OK.
Have you, um, done this before?
The principles of surgery...
are the same
above and below the neck.
ROBERT: Aah! Aah!
Aren't you going
to anesthetize me?
I'm sure you'll pass out
as the pain gets worse.
Aah!
Aah!
[Camera taking pictures]
[Celine laughing]
[Elliot and Celine laughing]
ELLIOT: Give me another one.
Here we go, baby.
Ay-yi-yi-yi-yaah!
Give it to me hot.
You look lovely.
CELINE: Thank you.
[Both laughing]
ELLIOT: Give me the Bambi, baby.
That's it.
God!
OK, turn over. Turn over.
- What?
- Turn over, darling.
ELLIOT: Turn...
There you go.
Flash me the tush.
One heel.
[Takes picture]
Excellent.
[Celine giggling]
ELLIOT: Mmm.
Robbie!
Hey, how are you? Come on.
Join the party.
Come on.
Do you want some champagne?
How rude of me. Excuse me, love.
[Chuckles]
Oh, wait.
Here you go.
Here. Look at that.
So, I understand that you're...
Here, please.
I understand that
you're something of a fugitive.
Don't be shocked.
We go back a long way.
ROBERT:
Oh, I see. You're her dentist.
ELLIOT: Yup. That's right.
We met over that particularly
fine set of ivories.
In fact...
I gave her her first filling.
Ohh!
Fuck.
Oh, I wish
you hadn't done that.
Now I have to hurt you...
which is inconvenient
and undignified.
ROBERT: Ohh!
[Gasping]
ELLIOT: Fucker.
Get up!
Leave him alone, Elliot.
ELLIOT: Why don't you
stay out of this?
[Robert groans]
Are you all right?
Uhh!
Gaah!
ROBERT: Uhh! Aah!
CELINE:
You want to explain to me...
exactly what you were trying
to achieve back there?
ROBERT: How about you
do some explaining to me?
CELINE: I didn't want you
bleeding to death...
and I think I saved your life.
ROBERT: I'd rather have died
than have witnessed that.
CELINE:
Witnessed what, exactly?
ROBERT: You and Elliot in
an advanced state of foreplay.
CELINE: He would've passed out
drunk in five minutes...
if you hadn't come along.
ROBERT: Yeah, sure.
CELINE: Even if we were
about to get physical...
what's it got to do with you
anyway?
ROBERT: Aah.
CELINE:
You thought we had something?
ROBERT: It's possible.
CELINE: But why?
Why do we
have to have something?
We were getting along just fine.
Having something
ruins everything.
What will you do now,
ask me to marry you?
ROBERT: Of course I'm not.
- You thought about it.
- Don't be absurd.
It never even occurred to you?
Well, it wouldn't be so bad.
You see what I mean?
Just forget it.
Consider it forgotten.
Where do you want to go?
Don't care.
Do you want to get out
of the car?
- Are you asking me to get out?
- No. I'm asking if you want to.
- It's the same thing.
- It's not the same thing.
One is a request,
the other is a question.
ROBERT: Fine. If that's what
you want, then I'll get out.
CELINE: If that's what you want,
go right ahead.
And don't even ask
where I'm going!
Don't even imagine that I care.
Exactly the problem!
[Starts car engine]
FAITHLESS SINGING:
Where's the love gone to?
Don't leave
BACKUP SINGERS:
Yeah, yeah, yeah
LEAD SINGER:
You got me hurtin'
Don't leave
BACKUP SINGERS:
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
LEAD SINGER:
You know it's never been easy
To love someone like me
BACKGROUND SINGERS:
Oh, oh
LEAD SINGER: Don't leave
BACKUP SINGERS:
Yeah, yeah
CELINE: Fuck.
LEAD SINGER:
Where did all the love go?
Where's the love gone to?
Stop hovering over me.
I can't concentrate.
O'REILLY:
Have you written anything yet?
JACKSON: I... I...
What am I supposed to write?
O'REILLY: Love letters, Jackson,
deal with the subject of love.
JACKSON: I need time to think.
O'REILLY: We don't have time.
Every day they spend apart...
the more difficult
it's going to be.
And if Naville finds our boy...
he's just meat.
ELVIS PRESLEY SINGING:
Maybe I didn't treat you...
O'REILLY: So, think, Jackson...
have you ever done this before?
Back when I was alive,
there was a girl.
You wrote to some girl?
A long time ago.
You never told me about this.
JACKSON:
It never came to nothing.
Her father
did not approve our match.
It was just young love,
but I wrote...
many times...
with passion...
and despair.
ELVIS PRESLEY:
You were always on my mind
Maybe I didn't hold you
I never knew
you had a romantic soul.
ELVIS PRESLEY:
All those lonely, lonely nights
I often wonder
what became of that girl...
sweet Eliza.
Eliza...
Gray.
Her father was a colonel.
O'REILLY:
Jackson, you're qualified.
You can write this letter.
That's the problem, see?
I wrote to her, sure,
but I didn't write letters.
O'REILLY: Well, what, then?
As a matter of fact...
I...
wrote...
love poems.
ELVIS PRESLEY:
Tell me that your sweet love
ELVIS PRESLEY:
Tell me that your sweet love
Hasn't died
Give me
Give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied
MOTHER: Remember, my dear...
they only want one thing.
Maybe they want it
more than once...
but it's still
only one thing.
ELVIS PRESLEY:
Little things
I should have said
And done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
BACKUP SINGERS:
You were always on my mind
ELVIS PRESLEY:
You were always on my mind
O'REILLY: I wish
you had let me read that poem.
JACKSON: A poem...
is a very personal document.
O'REILLY:
I hope it was a good one.
That's all I'm saying.
Because if she don't like it,
she won't come.
And if she don't come,
we're stuck.
JACKSON: It's her.
- I got your poem.
- Sorry?
CELINE: Your poem...
the one you wrote me.
ROBERT: Poem?
"Oh, desert me,
wretched loneliness...
"and bring me back my love...
"for she and I have parted...
"and the sky is up above."
JACKSON: It worked.
She loves it.
[Glass topples in bar]
CELINE: " Your limbs
so svelte and slender..."
"Your touch...
"so soft and tender."
"But the bits
that I like best...
"are the bits that..."
I'm not going to read that line.
O'REILLY: Jackson, Jackson,
what the hell did you write?
JACKSON: It was a...
O'REILLY: Yeah?
JACKSON:
A simple poetic reference...
uh, to...
ROBERT: Celine.
CELINE: Please.
Last verse.
"Just as the flowers blossom...
"in the gaze
of the shining sun..."
"I would be most honored..."
"if you would bear my son."
[O'Reilly sobs]
Robert, no one has ever
written me a poem before.
All those guys I dated,
they didn't care about me.
They just wanted to own this.
JACKSON: Huh?
CELINE: I would never open
my heart to any of those guys.
And before I met you...
I never believed
that there was any alternative.
JACKSON: Oh!
I knew it!
But when you
stopped that bullet...
JACKSON: Ha ha ha ha!
and got the wrong idea
about Elliot...
JACKSON: I knew it!
I should've understood.
- Celine...
- No. Let me finish.
This is difficult for me
to say...
but I feel I can trust you.
ROBERT: I didn't write the poem.
What?
I didn't write it.
I've never written a poem
in my life.
JACKSON: How can anybody
be that honest?
O'REILLY: It's his handwriting.
Tell him it's his handwriting.
But it's your handwriting.
It... it has this address.
It even has some sort of cheap
aftershave on the paper.
I didn't write the poem, OK?
Oh, my God.
ROBERT: Celine, no need to...
O'REILLY: Human fucking beings.
What do you have to do?
JACKSON:
We did everything for them!
Brought them together.
Put them in jeopardy.
We damn near killed them both!
We gave them every opportunity.
All they had to do
was fall in love...
and we could've gone home.
[Sobbing]
O'REILLY:
Maybe we failed, Jackson...
but we don't have to live
like this.
[Mutters]
Is she gone?
Yeah.
Nice-looking woman.
She isn't my type.
What are you talking about?
Look at yourself.
You're nobody.
You're nothing.
You're wanted in connection
with a violent crime.
You're cleaning the floor
of a diner.
She is an intelligent,
passionate...
beautiful rich woman.
[Beyond the Sea playing]
The issue of whether or not
she's your type...
is not one
that you are likely...
to have to resolve
in this world.
BOBBY DARIN SINGING:
She's there watching for me
Or indeed the next, since she
will be going to some heaven...
for glamorous pussy...
and you will be cleaning
the floor of a diner...
in hell.
I guess so.
So why are you even
thinking about it?
I don't know.
Stupid...
[Starter whines]
Come on.
Finish the floor.
[Starter whines]
CELINE: What the fuck?
Aah!
JACKSON: Shut up!
Where's my beautiful poem?
O'REILLY:
Your father's not home yet.
I don't expect he'll pay
our ransom straight off.
Not till we send a few fingers
through the mail.
JACKSON: Ooh.
Sixteen.
I'm gonna stick right there.
Say, how about you?
You want a hit?
No.
CELINE: [Muffled]
Mmm, stay.
- Uh-huh?
- No.
- Hit?
- No!
JACKSON: Now, Miss Naville...
you've got a five-card trick,
Miss Naville.
you've got a five-card trick,
Miss Naville.
You can stick right there...
and you got
four thousand dollars.
CELINE: Mm-hmm.
JACKSON:
But you want another hit? OK.
CELINE: [Muffled] No, no!
[Knock on door]
- What is that?
- Answer it, Jackson.
I can't do that.
I'm playing blackjack.
She might cheat
while I'm out of the room.
O'REILLY: All right.
I'll answer the door.
You play blackjack
with the hostage.
JACKSON: You sure you want
to increase your bet...
before you take another hit?
CELINE: [Muffled] No!
No!
OK.
[Muffled] No!
And...
CELINE: [Muffled] No!
Aah!
[Laughing]
JACKSON: Well...
There.
It's just as well
we're not playing for real.
ROBERT: Come on!
All right, now cut her free.
JACKSON: Aah!
What the hell did you do to her?
ROBERT:
I punched her in the face.
JACKSON: Oh! Ow!
Oh, you punched her in the face.
She's half your size,
and you punch her?
- She had a gun!
- Oh, she had a gun?
JACKSON: So that makes
everything all right, does it?
I'm not saying
it makes everything all right.
I'm just trying to explain
that for all I knew...
she could have been
a karate expert or something.
JACKSON: With a broken arm?
With a broken arm?!
OK. I'm sorry.
Now just cut her free!
You son of a bitch!
- Celine?
- What do you want?
I'm just trying to explain.
JACKSON: Aah!
CELINE:
Despite your crummy poem...
I came to visit
and all you could do...
was humiliate me
and turn me away.
I thought you were decent.
I thought you were different,
but you're not.
You're just a lying, cheating
son of a bitch...
just like all the rest!
ROBERT: Celine,
I never meant to hurt you!
I don't know
who wrote that poem...
but I'll tell you,
those are my feelings.
Oh, sure.
JACKSON: Not so easy now, huh?
ROBERT: Celine, Celine!
When you left the diner
last night...
I realized
I'd turned away the woman...
whom I'd spent the happiest...
most exciting times
of my life with...
who I care for
more than anyone on the earth!
Listen, listen!
Do you remember
that dream I had?
I dreamed that my life
was in danger...
that my heart stopped.
But you saved my life...
when you pierced my heart
with an arrow of your love.
And that's the truth.
Celine, what I'm saying
is that I love you.
JACKSON: What? What did you say?
ROBERT: What I was trying to say
was that I...
[Gun cocks]
O'REILLY: Oh, shit.
What?
Who is that?
MAYHEW:
Don't worry, Miss Celine.
Everything's going to be
just fine.
CELINE: Aah!
Well, we're not just gonna
leave them here, are we?
No, sir.
[Overlapping conversations]
[Telephones ringing]
[Knock on door]
Come in.
DUSTED SINGING:
Yes, there is a
Deeper river
That will bring you
Home again
Oh, there is a
Deeper river
Flowing under
I don't think
they're coming back.
Isn't there anything you can do?
I don't have the authority
to intervene.
DUSTED:
Deeper river
I don't have the authority
to intervene!
DUSTED:
That will bring you
Home again
CELINE:
Let me out of this trunk now!
Robert, he's gonna kill you!
Just run.
He doesn't want the money, OK?
He's gonna kill you!
[Pounding on trunk]
Just run, Robert, run!
ROBERT: It's probably
in the canoe, Mr. Naville.
That's probably where it is.
It's not in the canoe, sir...
but I think it's, uh, upstairs.
I think it's upstairs.
Might've put it there.
They probably left it
under the bed.
That would be a good place.
Tsk tsk tsk.
I don't think he has it...
Mr. Naville.
ROBERT: No. I...
that's it!
That's where it is!
That's where it was.
I put it under that board.
I'll have your money back to you
in a minute, Mr. Naville, sir.
Board up, and then
we'll get it back to you.
NAVILLE: We're just gonna have
to face the truth, Robert.
You don't have my money.
ROBERT: Yeah, it's down here,
all right, Mr. Naville, sir.
Just where I left it.
NAVILLE:
And frankly, I don't care.
It's just a detail.
ROBERT: You'll have your money
back in a second, sir.
NAVILLE: Long as you understand
that it isn't the money.
It's the principle.
CELINE: Somebody please
just let me out of here!
Mayhew, not with the ax.
This is Gabriel.
Get me God.
MAYHEW: Let's go. Come on!
Come on, come on!
Robert, what happened was
you shot them, and then you...
Did he just move?
MAYHEW: No, sir.
In all respect, sir, how could
anything be beyond your control?
Anyway, you shot them...
then you shot...
You sure he didn't move?
MAYHEW: I'm quite sure, sir.
Yes, sir.
No, sir.
[Creak]
MAYHEW: Sir?
Please.
NAVILLE: Yeah, quite.
Yeah, right.
[Gasps]
Mayhew, she's moved.
She's moved.
I saw it with my own eyes.
Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
MAYHEW: They are both dead, sir.
I shot them myself.
I won't disturb you again.
Yahoo!
CELINE: Who's that?
Robert?
NAVILLE: You shot them...
and then you shot yourself,
and then...
you set fire to this cabin.
Didn't you?
CELINE: Not yet, he didn't.
NAVILLE: Celine.
Why...
Why don't you just
put that gun down, hmm?
Do not get in my way, father.
Celine...
you're not responsible
for your actions.
You're unhinged.
You need the best
psychiatric treatment...
that money can buy...
just like your mother.
So why don't you just...
[Creak]
Why don't you just
give me the gun?
Because as he dreamt...
I shall save his life
with an arrow...
an arrow of my love for him.
Kill him, Mayhew.
[Cheering]
Ezekiel!
He's alive, Mayhew.
They're all alive.
GLADYS KNIGHT SINGING:
If I were your woman
And you were my man
You'd have no other woman
You'd be weak as a lamb
If you had the strength
To walk out that door
My love would overrule my sense
And I'd call you back for more
If I were your woman
CELINE: So you're telling me
that successful relationships...
are made in heaven?
Not founded
on the daily practicality...
of two people being prepared...
to tolerate the imperfections
of one another?
It's not successful
relationships, Celine.
It's love. And it comes from
a strange and wonderful place...
that we don't know about.
So you also reject the idea...
that love is merely
an emotional adaptation...
to a physical necessity?
Completely.
Are you serious?
Fate intervenes
in people's lives.
In ours, for instance.
Fate brought us together.
It kept us together.
We were destined
for one another.
Fate had a pretty strange way
of making its point.
But that's
part of the beauty of it.
It's inexplicable,
unpredictable...
and absolutely beyond control
or understanding.
But you nearly got killed.
But I didn't...
and here we are.
Do you have any substantial
evidence to back all this?
None at all.
And you realize
that it's absurd and irrational?
I know that.
Then why do you believe it?
Because, Celine, I'm a dreamer.
Well, I guess
that makes two of us.
Are you ready?
As I'll ever be.
Then let's go.
GLADYS KNIGHT:
But I'm too afraid to show it
If I were your woman
BACKGROUND SINGERS:
If you were my woman
GLADYS KNIGHT:
If I were your woman
BACKGROUND SINGERS:
If you were my woman
GLADYS KNIGHT:
If I were your woman
BACKGROUND SINGERS:
If you were my woman
[Crowd cheering]
GLADYS KNIGHT:
Never, no, no, no
Stop loving you
Oh, yeah
If I were your woman
Do you know what I'd do?
I'd never, never, never
stop loving you
If I were your woman
Your sweet loving woman
BACKGROUND SINGERS:
If you were my woman
GLADYS KNIGHT:
If I were your woman
BACKGROUND SINGERS:
If you were my woman
GLADYS KNIGHT:
I'd be your only woman
BACKGROUND SINGERS:
If you were my woman
GLADYS KNIGHT:
If I were your woman
BACKGROUND SINGERS:
If you were my woman
GLADYS KNIGHT:
You'd need no other woman
GLADYS KNIGHT:
You'd need no other woman
GABRIEL: All clear.
[Both gasping]
So, how was it?
O'REILLY: Believe me, Gabriel.
You don't want to know.
- But it worked.
- Yeah.
Love...
worked.
Ameratus pathum laborium.
Are we going home now?
We're going home.
At last.
Ohh!
OASIS SINGING: The paper boy
is looking before he goes
Lying to the teacher
who knows he knows
He didn't, and he should've
brought his lines in yesterday
Ernie bangs the sound
as the day begins
The letterbox is open,
and your cash falls in
Aah!
I'll meet you at the office
just before the staff clock in
Round our way
The birds are singing
Round our way
The sun shines bright
Aah!
Round our way
The birds sing for you
'Cause they already know you
Yeah, they already know you
The game is kicking off
in around the park
It's twenty-five a side,
and before it's dark
There's gonna be a loser
And you know the next goal wins
Cab it to the front
As it's called a draw
Everybody's knocking
at yours once more
Ernie bangs the sound
And no one's spoken
since half past four
La la la la la la la
Round our way
the birds are singing
Round our way
the sun shines bright
Round our way
the birds sing for you
'Cause they already know you
Yeah, they already know you
BECK SINGING: On the highway
Unpaved
Going my way
You're so alone today
Like a ghost town
I found there's no relief
No soul to mercy
Is it true what they say?
You can't behave
You gamble your soul away
Measuring your dreams
Oh, this life seems
Like the gristle of loneliness
Do do do do
Don't let the sun
catch you crying
Do do do do do
Don't let the sun
catch you crying
Like an ice age
Nice days on your way
Sipping the golden dregs
On a riptide
Freaks ride
Sleep inside
A parasite's appetite
Oh, say, can't you see
The chemistry?
The parasites, the cleanup fee
Death metal hands
Recycled cans
Get well cards
to the hostage vans
Don't let the sun
catch you crying
Do do do do do
Don't let the sun
catch you crying
LUSCIOUS JACKSON SINGING:
I got a magical ray
That reads you
like a book, yeah
You got a mystic pen
that sends me the message
Tests of my strength
Are pretty much all I know
For the rest of my life,
I will be climbing somewhere
Climbing
Climbing
Somewhere
Somewhere
And I have no fear
I have no fear
'Cause love is here
Love is here
Love is here
Love is here
Love is...
Did you know
that I'm looking at you now
With a daisy in my hair
Roses in my hand
And broken rhythms in disrepair
I hear
A danger in the air
For the rest of my life,
I will be climbing somewhere
Climbing
Climbing
Somewhere
We are in the garden, right?
And everything is great.
And there's this tree.
And the man says,
"Ooh, see that tree?
"Don't eat the fruit
of that tree.
"That apple you do not eat."
He goes inside,
names some animals...
maybe takes a dump.
Anyway, what does she do?
She eats the apple!
I can't believe what I'm seeing!
He says, "Don't eat it!"
She eats it!
- Unbelievable!
- [Siren]
Since then, men, women...
I don't know.
It's all going wrong!
DIANA ROSS SINGING:
So inviting
So exciting
Whenever you're near
I hear a symphony
A tender melody
Pulling me closer
Closer to your arms
Then suddenly
Your lips are touching mine
A feeling so divine
Till I leave the past behind
I'm lost in a world
Of make-believe
Whenever you're near
I hear a symphony...
GABRIEL: Divorce.
Miserable marriage.
Wedding canceled.
Remarried.
Divorced again.
Ahh!
Irreconcilable
sexual disharmony!
Dysfunctional marriage!
Divorce! Divorce!
Divorce! Divorce!
Divorce! Divorce!
Well?
Talk to me.
We had a bad run.
O'REILLY:
Things have changed down there.
Men and women
aren't like they used to be.
GABRIEL: Well, things are
changing up here as well.
I'm getting pressure
from above...
if you know what I mean,
for results!
For men and women to be bonded
in eternal bliss.
In the meantime, I've been
instructed to introduce...
new incentive schemes
for our leading operatives.
Leading operatives, huh?
That's you.
O'REILLY: Skip the flattery,
Gabriel. Where's the beef?
It's a hard case to crack.
I have full confidence
you can do it.
If you don't...
you don't come back.
What?
No way.
That's the new incentive scheme.
Your mission
is to unite man and woman...
blah, blah, blah, blah, OK?
When you're done...
you come back.
If youfail...
you stay down there forever.
You are not serious.
GABRIEL: Liberatum mani.
It's out of my hands.
[Distant siren]
SNEAKER PIMPS SINGING:
No ordinary sin
This perfect working order
I'd rather sink than swim
If I can't walk on water
Let the scandal in
This perfect world disorder
I'd rather drown than swim
I can't walk on water
This taste of dilution
Velvet divorce
I get bored
Velvet divorce
I get bored
Velvet divorce
Velvet divorce
I get bored
ROBERT:
She's the secret daughter...
of Marilyn Monroe
and John F. Kennedy, right?
I mean, that's why Marilyn
was murdered.
So, the young girl
grows up in an orphanage...
unaware of
her incredible parentage.
Years go by.
She's beautiful.
She's smart.
She's successful, OK?
MAN ON RIGHT: Then what?
ROBERT: Well, then...
Then she gets sent to London
as U.S. ambassador.
MAN ON LEFT: Where she discovers
who she is...
and also unravels
the secret of the Nazi gold...
hidden underneath the embassy.
ROBERT: Uh, yeah.
MAN ON RIGHT:
It's kind of obvious, Robert.
Of course it's obvious, guys.
It's a trash novel.
You buy it in the airport,
you take it on holiday.
Oh, Ms. Gesteten.
Nice to see you down here.
I'd love to stay and talk,
but, um, you know how things...
ELLIOT: Nice trick, Celine.
- Want to try your luck?
- With the gun?
CELINE: With the fruit.
ELLIOT:
I don't have time for games.
CELINE: If you're afraid,
why don't you just say so?
ELLIOT: Celine, last night,
we discussed a certain proposal.
And I said no,
because you cheat, Elliot.
ELLIOT: OK.
So I'm flirtatious.
It's in my nature.
But I want you to think again.
Do you know how difficult
it is for a woman to find...
a good husband in this town?
Let alone a good dentist.
Celine...
I'm serious.
Robots?
You're telling us we're gonna be
replaced by robots?
That robots will get down on
their robot hands and knees...
and clean the dust out of
every office in this building?
I think not, Ms. Gesteten.
At least the robot won't spend
its time writing a trash novel.
Not even a very good
trash novel, as I understand it.
[Man on right whistling]
Oh, I see. This is personal.
This has nothing to do with me,
Robert.
This comes right from the top...
from Mr. Naville himself.
Perhaps it's time
I spoke to this Mr. Naville guy.
GESTETEN: It's too late.
You're fired.
CELINE: You ready?
ELLIOT: Mm-hmm.
CELINE: Now, if you move...
the offer's canceled.
ELLIOT: OK.
Mm-hmm.
- Wait, Celine...
- Don't speak.
Do you think this is wise?
Puts me off.
ELLIOT: Ha.
Ha.
Stop!
[Body falls]
ELLIOT: Aah! Aah! Aah!
CELINE: Mayhew...
[Robert screaming]
Would you call a doctor?
It would be a pleasure, madam.
LILY: What are you doing here
this time of day?
Hi, Lily.
Well? Answer me.
Lily, I... I got fired.
They replaced me with a robot.
I know how they feel.
ROBERT: Hmm?
Look, I've been meaning
to tell you this...
for a while now, and...
seems like a good a time as any.
Robert...
I'm leaving you.
You're leaving?
What are you talking about?
LILY: His name is Ryan.
He teaches aerobics.
We're in love.
We're moving to Miami.
ROBERT: How can you do this?
At a time like this!
LILY:
I want a man, not a dreamer.
I don't know what to say.
We could talk about this.
I'll get another job.
We'll sort everything out.
LILY: Sorry...
but as of tonight...
you're going home alone.
Uh...
Lily!
LILY: I'm leaving you.
GESTETEN: You're fired.
MAN:
It's kind of obvious, Robert.
LILY: He teaches aerobics.
We're in love.
We're moving to Miami.
[Knocking]
[Knock on door]
Oh.
[Knock on door]
Lily?
[Pounding on door]
Lily?
JACKSON: Mr. Robert Lewis?
ROBERT: Yeah, that's me.
My name is Jackson.
This is my associate
Ms. O'Reilly.
We're from the Firm But Fair
Eviction & Collection Agency.
I have a list of certain items
we're empowered to collect...
under federal and state law...
in lieu of unpaid debts.
Furthermore, we are contracted
to serve upon you...
notice of eviction from these
here premises, uh, forthwith.
ROBERT: I beg your pardon?
O'REILLY: We can do this
with violence or without.
It's up to you.
The client pays our
medical bills, but not yours.
Well?
Oh, without, please.
JACKSON: [Whispering]
Good choice.
MAN: OK, let's go.
SECOND MAN: All right.
[Engine starts]
NAVILLE: Cannot believe this.
[Sighs]
Do you have any idea...
how difficult it is to find
a good husband in this town?
Hmm?!
Or a good dentist, come to that?
[Horns honk]
NAVILLE:
Playing this sort of game...
you have disgraced yourself
once again.
You caught him
through the frontal lobe...
so apparently he'll live.
But he'll never practice
orthodontics again...
that's for sure.
WOMAN ON P. A: Mr. Schneider,
call extension 487.
Mr. Schneider,487.
My main fear is you're going
to end up like your mother...
who long ago found her own
natural level in society.
That is to say
she scuttles along the bottom.
CELINE: Her biggest problem
was marrying a man like you...
a mistake I have taken
great care to avoid.
You...
are gonna go to work, my girl.
CELINE: What?
[Elevator rings]
NAVILLE: You have spent
a quarter of a century...
watching the tide
go in and out...
but from tomorrow,
you are going to work...
here, under my supervision.
You're gonna learn
the essence of business...
about money and how it flows
relentlessly back...
towards he who owns it.
How to generate
a profit from a loss...
a loss from a profit.
You are gonna work.
[Elevator bell dings]
NAVILLE: This may not strike you
as very palatable.
ROBOT: Seven...
NAVILLE:
It may make you want to vomit.
NAVILLE: But you will get used
to the taste.
And pretty soon,
you'll be spooning it down...
and asking for more
like all the other kids.
[Door opens]
ROBOT: Eleven...
ROBERT: Mr. Naville, I presume?
ROBOT: Eleven...
ROBERT: You think you can
replace me with a robot?
ROBOT: Eleven...
ROBERT: Well, get this!
ROBOT: Eleven...
ROBERT: Aah!
ROBOT: Twelve...
thirteen...
ROBERT: Fuck.
ROBOT: Fourteen...
ROBERT: Ohh!
Nobody fucking move!
Nobody fucking move!
Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah!
ROBERT: Everyone on the floor!
Everyone!
Everyone!
ROBOT: Four, five...
six...
[Slurred] seven...
Now, I want my job back!
I want what I had before,
Mr. Naville!
I'm gonna count to five.
If you don't oblige me,
I'm gonna kill you.
One!
Two!
Three!
[Chuckling]
Four!
- Five!
- [Gunshot]
Ow!
- Ow!
- Ow!
- What did you say that for?
- Five comes directly after four.
ROBERT: I know that!
CELINE:
I thought you had a problem.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Without access
to a proper education...
- Shut up!
- I was just trying to help.
I don't need any help.
NAVILLE: You'll die for this,
I swear to God.
- I'm sorry. No.
- You could shoot him again.
CELINE: In the head this time.
I'll count to five.
Shut up!
Who are you, anyway?
Nobody!
CELINE: I'm his daughter.
Aah!
[People talking, laughing]
MAN: This kid's got a gun.
Hey, cool it.
MAN: Take it easy, pal.
Chill out.
ROBERT: Drive!
Will you just drive?!
CELINE: I can't.
- What?
- I don't know how.
- You don't know how to drive?
- I never learned.
- Why not?!
- I didn't need to!
Well, you do now!
This one makes it go faster,
that one slower.
This is forwards,
that's backwards.
The rest you can pick up
as we go along.
Drive!
CELINE: Where are we going?
ROBERT: Never mind that.
Just drive more carefully.
CELINE: He cut in on me.
ROBERT:
Mirror, signal, maneuver.
[Whistling]
ROBERT: You say nothing, OK?
WALT: Afternoon, ma'am.
Afternoon, sir.
My name's Walt.
I'm here to help you any way
I can during your visit...
be it short or long...
and whether it is purely
for refueling purposes...
or for the use of our extensive
washroom and retail facilities.
- Is this a gas station, Walt?
- It sure is, sir.
Then fill it up with gas
and cut the crap.
The guy was just doing his job.
You know, he was just trying
to be helpful.
You're in a lot of trouble,
you know?
My father's
gonna have you killed.
Do you realize that?
Tortured first, naturally.
Then he's gonna have you killed.
ROBERT:
And what if I let you go?
CELINE:
I don't know. What do you think?
Think he's just gonna
forgive you?
Wait a minute.
Why would I ask him
to forgive me?
Your father treated me
like a piece of shit...
like I was nobody...
just because I was a cleaner...
like I was disposable.
WALT: Ahem.
Well, that's the tank full, sir.
Thank you, Walt.
That's for you, Walt.
You're a man, Walt.
Not a slave, not a machine.
Don't let anyone
ever treat you otherwise.
Go on.
[Starts engine]
[Window squeaking]
CELINE: It's empty.
[Glass breaks]
ROBERT: Let's get this clear.
I'm not gonna hurt you...
but I am the kidnapper,
and you are the...
CELINE: Victim.
That's just the way it is.
It's OK.
I've been through this before.
Kidnapped before?
Yeah. I was twelve.
- God, that's terrible.
- It was a long time ago.
ROBERT: So... so how am I doing?
In the kidnap?
ROBERT: Yeah.
So far,
you're not doing too bad.
Thank you.
Anyway, I'm just tying you up so
you can't escape in the night.
CELINE: I know that.
ROBERT:
Because, of course, you would.
CELINE: Are you gonna try
to have sex with me?
No.
Isn't that what
you brought me up here for?
No, it's not.
CELINE:
It didn't even cross your mind?
No. Well... No.
Do you have a problem with sex?
No.
CELINE:
So you're just frightened of it?
ROBERT: No.
- Nervous, then?
- I'm not nervous.
- Then calm down.
- I'm perfectly calm.
ROBERT:
I'm just trying to explain...
that there's no sexual motives
for my actions.
CELINE:
I'm glad we got that cleared up.
So, what did they do next?
They put a needle in my arm
and took a pint of blood...
and sent it to my father.
The next week
they did the same...
and the same the next week
till he paid up.
He waited six weeks.
That's what happens
to the victim.
ROBERT SINGING:
Around our way
The sun shines bright
Around our way
The birds sing for ya
'Cause they already know ya
[Pages turning]
Enjoying the book?
CELINE: No.
ROBERT: What's it about?
It's a romance.
This girl meets this guy.
They fall in love.
It's bullshit.
ROBERT:
I'm writing a novel myself.
A lot of people say that,
but in my case, it's true.
I'm not interested...
in you or your novel...
or any other pathetic ambition
you have...
to change your miserable,
mundane existence.
ROBERT:
Do you want some exercise?
CELINE: No.
ROBERT: You can't say no. It's
not part of the arrangement.
- I want to read my book.
- You said it was bullshit.
Doesn't mean
I'm not enjoying it.
- You just said you weren't!
- A girl can change her mind.
O'REILLY: " She heard
his breathing become shallow...
"and a flicker of a smile
chased across her lips...
"as she meditated on the power
she now held over him.
"'Are you sure you want
to catch that flight? '
"she asked."
JACKSON: Do you think
they're in love yet?
O'REILLY: No.
JACKSON: If they are in love,
we can go home.
THE SHIRELLES SINGING:
Tonight, you're mine
JACKSON: I hate it down here.
I hate the air
and I hate the food...
and I hate the plumbing.
O'REILLY: " She pulled him
closer, unable to stop."
JACKSON: I ache... all over.
"This, indeed,
was perfect love."
JACKSON: I sweat in the heat
and ache in the cold.
[Whistling]
THE SHIRELLES:
But will you love me tomorrow?
Why can't we stay
someplace decent?
Budget doesn't cover that.
Exactly. Why not?
You know those mysterious ways
you keep hearing about, Jackson?
[Whistling]
Well, this is one of them.
"...cold, gloating gaze,
she let her hand droop down...
"towards the bulge
of his passion."
I remember the good old days.
O'REILLY: " She heard
his breathing become shallow."
All you had to do
was introduce a man and a woman.
Nature did the rest.
O'REILLY: "She gasped..."
ROBERT: Aah! Fuck!
O'REILLY:
"with surprise and delight."
Doesn't work like that anymore.
O'REILLY: " All of her soul
erupted between her thighs...
"as she sensed the firm,
exploratory pressure...
"of his warm flesh."
JACKSON: Men and women...
it's all gone to shit.
Sure has.
"In the hidden recess
of her pelvis...
"their bodies fused
into one writhing mass...
of torrid, torrid sexual..."
THE SHIRELLES: When the night
Meets the morning sun
[Robert coughs]
THE SHIRELLES: I'd like to know
That your love
Is a love I can
Be sure of
So tell me now
ROBERT: Mmm.
THE SHIRELLES:
And I won't ask again
ROBERT: Mmm.
THE SHIRELLES:
Will you still love me tomorrow?
ROBERT: Mmm.
Aren't you hungry?
CELINE: I don't eat red meat.
ROBERT: Well, you could eat
the vegetables.
CELINE:
They're on the same plate.
So?
I'm not gonna eat this.
Do you eat fish and poultry?
Yes.
But not red meat?
No. Or eggs, unless I know
they're free-range.
Then why didn't you tell me
you don't like meat?
Because you didn't ask!
And I do like meat.
I just don't eat it.
Moral reasons, if you must know.
If you had taken the time
to inquire...
ROBERT: Why are you such a pain
to be with?
Because you tied me to a chair
all night!
Because I am the victim...
and you are the kidnapper,
apparently!
Meaning exactly what?
"Kidnap For Beginners"...
chapter one...
have you even asked
for a ransom yet?
[Fly buzzing]
[Dialing telephone number]
Don't say a word
until I tell you.
[Telephone ringing]
Hello. Mr. Naville?
lt... it's me.
Now, I want my...
Me.
The kidnapper!
Right. Now, what I want...
It's not like that.
That's unfair now. I would not...
[Click]
What are you doing?
CELINE: No, what are you doing?
ROBERT: I'm negotiating
with your father.
- Did you get very far?
- Well, he kept interrupting.
- Right.
- Wouldn't let me finish.
Remember
what they didn't teach you...
at Harvard Business School, OK?
I didn't go
to Harvard Business School.
It's a figure of speech, Robert.
Oh.
Sorry.
CELINE:
Negotiation is a weakness.
You are the kidnapper.
You demand, and he complies.
You go in hard,
and you go in fast.
- Hard and fast.
- Right.
I'm you.
You grasp that?
OK.
Pretend it's ringing.
You psych yourself up.
Go to your dark side.
OK. He answers.
All right, you motherfucker,
I've got your daughter here.
I'm sending her back in pieces
if I don't get what I want.
I'm gonna pull her fingers out
with pliers...
and then I'm gonna fry them up
for breakfast, understand?
And so on and so on
like that, OK?
For no longer than
thirty seconds.
What?
[Beck's "Deadweight"
playing in background]
[Telephone ringing]
Hello there. Mr. Naville?
Now...
Right, you asshole,
I've got your daughter here...
and I'm gonna cut her up...
and post her home to you
in boxes! Small boxes!
[Telephone ringing]
Right, daughter,
I've got your asshole here...
and I'm gonna send...
Right! Right!
No, I can't speak to anyone!
I need to speak to him!
Hello?
Yeah, I can hold.
Right, listen, you asshole,
I've got your daughter here...
and I'm gonna send her back
in pieces unless...
Oh, I'm sorry, madam.
No, I must've dialed
the wrong number.
No, I haven't got
your daughter here.
I have someone else's.
No, we're not married.
Yes, I've read the same thing.
It's very hard to find
suitable young men these days.
Well, I'm sure
your daughter's very nice.
In principle, I've got
no objections to meeting her...
What is the problem?
I think you should
just send a letter.
NAVILLE:
Done this kind of work before?
O'REILLY: We do everything.
Eviction and debt collection
are our daily bread...
but personal retrieval,
bounty hunting...
you name it, we do it.
NAVILLE: How much?
Our fee for the recovery
of your daughter is...
one hundred thousand dollars.
That's a lot of money.
Five thousand advance.
The rest is cash on delivery.
No daughter, no dough.
Naturally,
we operate a sliding scale...
whereby if we only bring back
part of your daughter...
we only get part of the money.
That's enough, Jackson.
If he's cut her ears off,
and we can't find them...
we'll knock a couple thousand
off the tariff.
More for a limb, obviously.
O'REILLY: Jackson.
Sorry.
O'REILLY: Mr. Naville,
I don't think you need to worry.
My partner is simply envisaging
a worst-case scenario.
What about the kidnapper?
You want him, too?
That's extra.
What if he gets in the way?
We'll deal with that situation
if it arises.
What if I want him
to get in the way?
Let us speak plainly,
Mr. Naville.
You want we should kill him?
Yes.
JACKSON: [Snaps fingers]
Uh...
Sir, I must say...
No one's asking you, Mayhew.
Very good, sir.
I am not gonna kill anyone.
If we don't get this job,
someone else will.
- Two hundred thousand dollars.
- Including expenses?
O'REILLY:
Including all expenses...
except medical costs...
for which you accept full
and unlimited responsibility.
NAVILLE: Only for the duration
of the contract.
- Naturally.
- It's a deal.
[Creaking noise]
[Knock on door]
[Knock knock knock]
TOD: Good afternoon.
ROBERT: Hi.
TOD: I'm Tod Johnson.
I live up the hill.
ROBERT: That's nice.
TOD:
I see most things from up there.
Saw you arrive.
Big car, middle of the night.
ROBERT: Right.
TOD: Wondered "Who's that?"
ROBERT:
Perfectly natural question.
TOD: So I asked Felix.
ROBERT: Felix?
TOD: Felix is my friend.
He hasn't been the same
since the war.
ROBERT: Of course.
TOD: I asked him.
I said, " Felix, tell me...
"are they good,
or are they evil?"
One bark for good, two for evil.
Felix is a dog?
Do you think
that I would talk to a dog?
Do you think
I would ask a dog...
whether or not
you're good or evil?
What do you think I am...
some kind
of a crazy backwoods lunatic...
with a barn
full of human skulls...
and a scythe
that I sharpen every day...
in readiness for Armageddon?
No.
I'm sure you're a regular guy.
Right! I'm regular!
I am a regular man.
I want...
That's not the point!
The point is, who are you?!
Who are you?!
Well, I'm...
We're newlyweds.
Are you coming back to bed
soon, darling?
ROBERT:
This is Mr. Johnson, dear.
Hello.
TOD: Pleased to meet you, ma'am.
You can call me Lucille.
TOD: My pleasure, Lucille.
[Kissing repeatedly]
CELINE: You're not
from the newspapers, are you?
I live up the hill.
CELINE: Oh, good. You can't tell
the newspapers we're here.
They never leave us alone,
on account of Ritchie.
Ritchie?
CELINE: You recognize Ritchie,
don't you?
Ritchie Vanderlow?
Six gold albums...
three platinum.
Fourteen consecutive
top-ten singles.
Largest-selling artist
worldwide...
for the last twelve months?
Ritchie Vanderlow!
TOD: You have got to understand,
ma'am...
I watch mainly
the biblical channels.
It's OK.
We were married in secret...
in a castle in Scotland.
That's in England.
Near Paris?
[Speaking French]
Paris.
Right.
It was so romantic.
We stayed there
for our honeymoon...
but it wasn't long enough...
so we came here for the sake
of a little privacy.
Mmm. I see.
Would you like to come in...
Mr. Johnson?
No, I better be on my way.
I have to feed Felix.
CELINE: OK.
Well...
it was a pleasure to meet you,
Mr. Johnson.
See you around.
I'll catch you later then,
Mr. Johnson.
Take care, Ritchie.
Thanks.
This?
The ransom note.
- Right. Anonymous.
- Yeah.
Robert...
my father knows who you are.
Oh, I never thought of that.
You are the worst kidnapper
I've ever met.
ROBERT: Oh, and that's all I am
to you, isn't it?
The latest kidnapper!
A lifestyle accessory.
And if it doesn't work,
it doesn't matter...
'cause you can always
get another one.
Quit being so melodramatic.
I'm trying to do my best here...
under really difficult
circumstances!
It's not made any easier...
by you criticizing
everything I do!
- How much you asking for?
- Half a million.
- Dollars?
- Yes.
- U.S. Dollars?
- Is there a problem?
Half a million dollars
isn't a lot of money for me!
It's not meant
to reflect you as an individual.
If word got out I was liberated
for half a million...
I could never show my face
in polite society again.
Diamonds have no value except
that which is placed upon them.
It's more complicated
than I thought!
OK, don't worry...
all right?
You're trying hard.
You're keen to learn.
That's important.
Let's just not
lose sight of the fact...
that we have the opportunity...
to make
millions of dollars here.
We?
Yes, Robert.
You and me.
Is that not a little irregular?
Yes, it is.
Millions?
Please, dad,
just give him the money!
[Sobbing]
He's gonna kill me, daddy!
Please! Just put it
in the trunk of the car...
two miles south of Palmer,
please, daddy!
Daddy!
[Muffled screaming]
[Clock ticking]
[Mumbling]
OK, OK, OK.
OK, OK.
[Shuts door]
[Ticking]
[Ding]
[Electronic beep]
Nice shooting.
Thanks.
[Breathing heavily]
ROBERT: Shit.
[Gasps]
ROBERT: Aah!
MAN: No problem.
Exactly as you predicted.
"Quick, drive my car."
[Laughing]
O'REILLY: Here's forty dollars.
If you don't mind me asking...
how did you know
he'd react like that?
It's our job
to know things like that.
You done
this sort of thing before?
Let's go!
You can take the car,
but remember, it's stolen.
CELINE: Look,
they weren't trying to kill you.
They were trying to confuse you
and scare you.
ROBERT:
Yeah, before they killed me.
And I lost the car,
and I didn't get any money.
CELINE: You can't expect to get
everything right the first time.
Look, you are going to be fine.
You are going to be...
a success.
Do you think so?
You didn't get caught, right?
No.
No, I didn't get caught.
I fooled them.
I got away.
Maybe we should go out.
Out where?
For a drink.
What, like on a date?
Yeah, like a date.
[Country music playing
in background]
I wouldn't call it
a bad relationship.
No, Lily and I, we just...
You know,
we just grew apart as people.
There was no bitterness
on either side.
She left you?
No, no, no, no. No!
Yes, she left me.
CELINE: Mmm.
The aerobics instructor.
How did you know?
CELINE: You have the demeanor...
of a man who's been left
for an aerobics instructor.
- I do?
- Yeah.
CELINE: But be honest.
It was inevitable.
You two weren't suited
for one another.
You dream of something better.
She wants it now.
Hence, the gymnast.
Am I right?
ROBERT: Well, yeah.
CELINE:
Yeah. It's a common scenario.
ROBERT: Can I tell you about
this dream I have? You're in it.
I'm in your dream?
Now I feel violated.
- Oh, it's not like that.
- I don't wanna hear it.
Perhaps this is
a good opportunity...
to tell you about my novel.
Look, I'm not interested
in your novel.
It's 1962, right?
And Marilyn Monroe...
is giving birth to a baby girl.
She's on the phone
to Jack Kennedy...
saying, " Jack, it's yours.
It's yours, Jack."
So the orphan grows up...
And she solves
some great mystery, right?
It's kind of obvious, Robert.
Let's play a game.
If I win...
I go free.
ROBERT: Look, you are free.
The kidnap's over.
You're more a kidnapper
than I am Ritchie Vanderlow.
Indulge me, Robert.
Well, if it's what you want.
It's all I ever want.
ROBERT: OK.
You're free.
That's right.
Aren't you gonna leave?
We haven't got our money yet.
[Singing]
Don't take your love to town
Oh, Ruby
For God's sakes, turn around
TOD: Big hand! Big hand!
Big hand for local boy
Scottie Sherman.
[Applause and cheering]
We are privileged
to have here tonight...
a very special guest...
who is a close personal friend
of mine...
and I'm gonna ask him
to come up here and sing a song.
He is the best-selling artist
in the world...
with twelve gold albums...
sixteen platinum albums...
and thirty-two
number-one hit singles!
Mr. Ritchie Vanderclaw!
[Wild cheering]
[Barking]
[Ruff ruff]
ROBERT: Thank you very much.
My name is Rob...
Ritchie Vanderlow...
and, um...
I'd like to sing this song
for my beautiful wife...
CROWD: Aww.
ROBERT: Lucille.
Uh...
Oh, and this is
a very special song for us.
[Big band music playing]
[Singing]
Somewhere
Beyond the sea
Somewhere
Waiting for me
My lover stands
On golden sands
And watches the ships
That go sailing
Somewhere
Beyond the sea
She's there
Watching for me
And if I could fly
Like birds on high
Then straight to her arms
I'd go sailing
It's far
Beyond the stars
It's near
Beyond the moon
I know
Beyond a doubt
My heart
Will lead me there
Soon
We'll meet
Beyond the shore
We'll kiss
Just like before
And happy we'll be
Beyond the sea
And never again
I'll go sailing
[Song continues playing]
ROBERT AND CELINE: [Singing]
I know
ROBERT AND CELINE: [Singing]
I know
Beyond a doubt
My heart
Will lead me there
Soon
We'll meet
Touches my heart
to see two young people in love.
Happy we'll be
Beyond the sea
And never again
I'll go sailing
Hmm.
Oh, my God. What happened?
You were great.
I was?
CELINE: Mm-hmm.
I remember drinking tequila.
CELINE: Certainly was a feature
of the evening.
ROBERT: Then I had
an incredible dream.
This dream, I've had it before.
You're definitely in it now.
CELINE: I don't want to hear it.
ROBERT: We were on this
game show called Perfect Love.
CELINE: Never heard of it.
ROBERT: Well, it's just a dream.
I don't think the fact
that it's a game show...
has any relevance.
It merely indicates
my cultural origins.
I mean, were I a tribesman
in the Kalahari, for instance...
the location would undoubtedly
have been different.
But I think
the theme is universal.
We're on this game show
called Perfect Love.
My life was in danger.
CELINE: Are you ready?
ROBERT: Am I ready for what?
CELINE: To write a letter.
Perhaps you'd like to keep this.
We had it analyzed.
It's his handwriting
and her blood.
JACKSON: Without our help,
Mr. Naville...
that could be the last trace
of your daughter you ever see.
O'REILLY: He wants a straight
switch with no delays.
- I want her back.
- Don't worry. We'll get her.
And I want him dead.
That's understood, Mr. Naville.
NAVILLE: Good.
And when this is over,
I want this back.
CELINE:
Bradley was nice, you know?
Extremely wealthy.
Honorable, amusing.
ROBERT: And?
CELINE:
Well, eighty-seven years old.
- Ha ha. Pity.
- Yeah.
CELINE: Then there was Jake.
He was nice.
Very rich.
Just so conventional.
ROBERT: You see?
Rich guys. Conventional.
It's a problem.
Then there was Angelo.
Twenty-five years old...
handsome, healthy...
exciting...
sophisticated.
Considerate.
[Air horns blow]
ROBERT: So?
Well, I think
that we just sort of, um...
grew apart as people.
The aerobics instructor?
[Laughing loudly]
CELINE: Like I said...
it's a common scenario.
[Robert chuckles]
ROBERT: So who was next?
CELINE: Then I started getting
problems with my teeth.
ROBERT: With your teeth?
CELINE: Yeah, my teeth.
[Brakes screech]
MAN: Hey, want a ride?
Hi, thanks for stopping, guys.
Uh, we're not stealing it,
we're just borrowing it.
ROBERT:
Had that dream again last night.
CELINE: What dream?
ROBERT: We were
on that game show Perfect Love.
- Mmm. Fascinating.
- And my life was in danger.
CELINE: On a game show?
ROBERT: I know.
It's difficult to explain.
Strange things were happening.
CELINE: Mmm. So it would appear.
ROBERT:
But my life was in danger...
and you saved it.
My heart was beating so fast...
and then it stopped.
And I was just about to die...
and you saved it.
You saved my life.
JACKSON:
Well, what are we waiting for?
You want to get on with this
or not?
ROBERT: Sure!
JACKSON: You send the girl over.
ROBERT: Ha ha. First the money.
That was the deal.
JACKSON:
Are you OK, Miss Naville?
CELINE: Yes, I'm OK.
I'm just a little frightened.
JACKSON:
Now, don't you worry, miss.
Everything'll be all right.
CELINE: Well?
ROBERT: Whew. It's here.
JACKSON: OK? Send the girl over.
ROBERT: OK, go on.
JACKSON: Ohh, damn.
Aah! Aah!
CELINE: Aah! Aah! Help!
JACKSON: Get down! Get down!
ROBERT: Yes.
CELINE: They tied me up! Ohh!
ROBERT: Ha ha!
[Truck engine starts]
[Truck door closes]
O'REILLY:
Don't move a fucking muscle.
Mmm.
What took you?
JACKSON: He shot up the car!
O'REILLY: You shot up our car.
Now, what did you do that for?
ROBERT:
I was trying to make a getaway.
O'REILLY: You were trying
to make a getaway?
[Labored breathing]
O'REILLY: How is she?
JACKSON: I don't know.
But I don't think it's worked.
They're not... you know?
O'REILLY: Jeopardy.
Jeopardy, Jackson...
always works.
JACKSON: OK.
This is far enough.
ROBERT: Are you... are you going
to kill me?
JACKSON: Yeah.
[Robert sobs]
ROBERT: Well, then I don't see
why I should dig.
JACKSON: If you dig...
I promise you
when the time comes...
I'll shoot you through the head.
[Robert sobs]
JACKSON:
Now, look, you don't like that?
I can just shoot you through
the testicles right now.
You can bleed to death.
I'll dig the grave.
It's up to you.
[Robert sobbing]
Can you cut me free?
Please?
It's sore.
What's he going to do with him?
Shoot him in the back
of the head.
Right.
Would that be a problem for you?
[Robert groans]
JACKSON: Ever felt like
you're not in control of events?
ROBERT: Yes.
JACKSON: No, I mean...
something is...
destined to happen...
and it doesn't?
Like, what happens
when the forces of destiny...
are no longer in control?
ROBERT: I don't know.
JACKSON: The truth is...
I don't think even he knows
what's going on down here...
the chaos, the...
This hatred, this violence.
ROBERT: Who...
Who are you talking about?
O'REILLY: Jeopardy, Jackson...
always works.
JACKSON: Dig.
[Robert laughs]
What are they doing in there?
Should've shot him myself.
CELINE: Yeah, well, you can't
trust them to do anything.
O'REILLY: I take it you're not
in a love situation.
CELINE: What?
O'REILLY:
I mean you're not in love.
What's it to you?
O'REILLY: Nothing.
Just asking.
REM SINGING:
I like it like that
And I know it
JACKSON:
That's OK. You can stop now.
ROBERT: No.
JACKSON:
I've waited long enough.
ROBERT: No.
JACKSON: Give me that. Lie down.
ROBERT: No, no. No!
JACKSON:
Give it to me! Give it to me!
ROBERT: Please!
- Please.
- Shh.
ROBERT: Aah!
[Robert sobbing]
[Jackson cocks gun]
REM:
Leave it all behind
JACKSON:
I commit you to his mercy.
ROBERT: Please. Please. Please.
CELINE: Aah!
Aah! Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
CELINE: No! No!
Get up!
Robert, get off!
ROBERT: Who are they?
CELINE: Come on!
REM:
That's what keeps me
That's what keeps me
That's what keeps me down
O'REILLY: Aah!
ROBERT: Ohh.
Just for a minute there,
I thought we were in trouble.
I told you don't get caught.
Don't get out of the car.
Don't ever go into the woods
with a stranger.
- I know. You're right.
- I'm always right, OK?
CELINE:
You might like to remember that.
ROBERT: Have you got the money?
- Aah!
- Aah!
[O'Reilly laughs]
ROBERT: No! Jesus!
O'REILLY: I'm going to get you.
[Both yelling]
ROBERT: Aah!
[Tires squeal]
O'REILLY: Ohh!
CELINE: Shit.
[Robert panting]
- Oh, shit.
- Where is she?
ROBERT: Oh, shit.
Drive!
[Tires squeal]
ROBERT: Ohh!
Ohh!
[O'Reilly laughing]
Jesus!
- Jump!
- What?
CELINE: Jump!
ROBERT: Aah!
CELINE: Aah!
O'REILLY: Aah!
Aah!
[Scratches]
WOMAN: If the card's no good,
I'm authorized to destroy it.
CELINE: It's my card, lady.
Listen, you don't understand.
- Is there a problem?
- I'm sorry about this, ma'am.
ROBERT:
Don't worry. Don't worry.
I've got some cash, OK?
WOMAN: Thirty dollars, sir.
Thank you.
CELINE: How could he
do a thing like that?
ROBERT: Stay calm, OK?
CELINE: My own father.
He canceled my credit card.
I've never been so humiliated
in all my life.
- I know exactly how you feel.
- You couldn't possibly know.
Only the exceptionally rich
can know how I feel right now.
Don't take it personally.
CELINE: Is he trying to say
I'll find my own natural level?
Sink to the bottom like her?
ROBERT: Like who?
Who are you talking about?
Pull over.
ROBERT: Oh, no.
ROBERT: Oh, no, no, no.
CELINE: Live a little.
ROBERT: This is insane.
CELINE: Stop worrying so much.
It'll be my first time, too.
ROBERT:
That's what I'm worrying about.
CELINE: Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
Next.
CELINE: Hello.
I'd like to make a withdrawal.
ROBERT: I thought we agreed...
no clichs.
CELINE: Fill the bag.
TELLER:
Oh, my God, she's got a gun!
[Whistling]
WOMAN: Leave my daughter alone.
Please, leave her alone!
- Don't be silly.
- She's going to kill her!
ROBERT: She's not going to kill
your daughter.
- Yes, I am.
- What?
CELINE: Shut up.
ROBERT: Christ, no!
CELINE: Everybody calm down...,
or this girl's brains
will splatter the wall.
- Fill the bag!
- Celine!
CELINE: You shut up especially.
ROBERT:
You can't hold the girl hostage.
What?
WOMAN: Oh, no!
CELINE:
You didn't find it difficult.
- That was different.
- Was it?
CELINE: Didn't feel different.
It felt just like this.
Now do you understand
how it felt, Robert?
But you, unlike me,
couldn't pull the trigger.
- Oh, no.
- Good-bye, Robert.
ROBERT: OK, kill me,
but don't touch the girl!
Extremely amusing!
CELINE: " Kill me,
but don't touch the girl."
Robert,
you should be on television.
- Very funny.
- What's wrong?
ROBERT: What's wrong? I thought
you were going to shoot me!
That's what's wrong!
CELINE:
Shoot you? I wouldn't do that.
- Oh, no?
- No! I'm having a great time!
- Oh, good!
- Yeah, certainly is!
CELINE: What's wrong?
Celine, it's over.
ROBERT: Aah!
[Robert screaming]
[Robert moans]
ROBERT: I'm dying, Celine.
I think I'm dying,
and I don't want to die.
You're not going to die.
I don't want to die.
Are you taking me to a hospital?
Because I don't want to die
in a hospital.
CELINE: I'm not going
to take you to a hospital.
What do you mean, you're not
taking me to a hospital?
Take me to a hospital!
Where are you taking me?
ELLIOT: Very nice.
Very nice, indeed.
You could have a perfect smile.
For two thousand dollars,
you could change your life.
No, thanks.
Do you think a perfect smile
just happens?
Is that what you think? Huh?
Do you think that Celine's smile
is her own?
No, it's not.
It's mine.
I gave it to her...
just like I can give you one.
I'll fix your teeth
for twelve thousand dollars.
I didn't get shot in the teeth.
Well, let me tell you something.
It wouldn't have made
too much difference if you had.
I don't want to say anything.
It's your teeth,
but if you wait another year...
you'll have fifty grand worth
of major reconstruction, so...
CELINE:
If you wait another year...
he'll be dead.
ELLIOT: Sorry. Just a little
free consultation.
[Taps button with foot]
ELLIOT: You know,
they wanted me to take a break.
Take a break.
[Laughs]
Go get counseling, you know?
Fuck them. What do they know?
They wanted me to stay
in the hospital.
I discharged myself
this afternoon.
Lucky for you that I did, huh?
OK.
Have you, um, done this before?
The principles of surgery...
are the same
above and below the neck.
ROBERT: Aah! Aah!
Aren't you going
to anesthetize me?
I'm sure you'll pass out
as the pain gets worse.
Aah!
Aah!
[Camera taking pictures]
[Celine laughing]
[Elliot and Celine laughing]
ELLIOT: Give me another one.
Here we go, baby.
Ay-yi-yi-yi-yaah!
Give it to me hot.
You look lovely.
CELINE: Thank you.
[Both laughing]
ELLIOT: Give me the Bambi, baby.
That's it.
God!
OK, turn over. Turn over.
- What?
- Turn over, darling.
ELLIOT: Turn...
There you go.
Flash me the tush.
One heel.
[Takes picture]
Excellent.
[Celine giggling]
ELLIOT: Mmm.
Robbie!
Hey, how are you? Come on.
Join the party.
Come on.
Do you want some champagne?
How rude of me. Excuse me, love.
[Chuckles]
Oh, wait.
Here you go.
Here. Look at that.
So, I understand that you're...
Here, please.
I understand that
you're something of a fugitive.
Don't be shocked.
We go back a long way.
ROBERT:
Oh, I see. You're her dentist.
ELLIOT: Yup. That's right.
We met over that particularly
fine set of ivories.
In fact...
I gave her her first filling.
Ohh!
Fuck.
Oh, I wish
you hadn't done that.
Now I have to hurt you...
which is inconvenient
and undignified.
ROBERT: Ohh!
[Gasping]
ELLIOT: Fucker.
Get up!
Leave him alone, Elliot.
ELLIOT: Why don't you
stay out of this?
[Robert groans]
Are you all right?
Uhh!
Gaah!
ROBERT: Uhh! Aah!
CELINE:
You want to explain to me...
exactly what you were trying
to achieve back there?
ROBERT: How about you
do some explaining to me?
CELINE: I didn't want you
bleeding to death...
and I think I saved your life.
ROBERT: I'd rather have died
than have witnessed that.
CELINE:
Witnessed what, exactly?
ROBERT: You and Elliot in
an advanced state of foreplay.
CELINE: He would've passed out
drunk in five minutes...
if you hadn't come along.
ROBERT: Yeah, sure.
CELINE: Even if we were
about to get physical...
what's it got to do with you
anyway?
ROBERT: Aah.
CELINE:
You thought we had something?
ROBERT: It's possible.
CELINE: But why?
Why do we
have to have something?
We were getting along just fine.
Having something
ruins everything.
What will you do now,
ask me to marry you?
ROBERT: Of course I'm not.
- You thought about it.
- Don't be absurd.
It never even occurred to you?
Well, it wouldn't be so bad.
You see what I mean?
Just forget it.
Consider it forgotten.
Where do you want to go?
Don't care.
Do you want to get out
of the car?
- Are you asking me to get out?
- No. I'm asking if you want to.
- It's the same thing.
- It's not the same thing.
One is a request,
the other is a question.
ROBERT: Fine. If that's what
you want, then I'll get out.
CELINE: If that's what you want,
go right ahead.
And don't even ask
where I'm going!
Don't even imagine that I care.
Exactly the problem!
[Starts car engine]
FAITHLESS SINGING:
Where's the love gone to?
Don't leave
BACKUP SINGERS:
Yeah, yeah, yeah
LEAD SINGER:
You got me hurtin'
Don't leave
BACKUP SINGERS:
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
LEAD SINGER:
You know it's never been easy
To love someone like me
BACKGROUND SINGERS:
Oh, oh
LEAD SINGER: Don't leave
BACKUP SINGERS:
Yeah, yeah
CELINE: Fuck.
LEAD SINGER:
Where did all the love go?
Where's the love gone to?
Stop hovering over me.
I can't concentrate.
O'REILLY:
Have you written anything yet?
JACKSON: I... I...
What am I supposed to write?
O'REILLY: Love letters, Jackson,
deal with the subject of love.
JACKSON: I need time to think.
O'REILLY: We don't have time.
Every day they spend apart...
the more difficult
it's going to be.
And if Naville finds our boy...
he's just meat.
ELVIS PRESLEY SINGING:
Maybe I didn't treat you...
O'REILLY: So, think, Jackson...
have you ever done this before?
Back when I was alive,
there was a girl.
You wrote to some girl?
A long time ago.
You never told me about this.
JACKSON:
It never came to nothing.
Her father
did not approve our match.
It was just young love,
but I wrote...
many times...
with passion...
and despair.
ELVIS PRESLEY:
You were always on my mind
Maybe I didn't hold you
I never knew
you had a romantic soul.
ELVIS PRESLEY:
All those lonely, lonely nights
I often wonder
what became of that girl...
sweet Eliza.
Eliza...
Gray.
Her father was a colonel.
O'REILLY:
Jackson, you're qualified.
You can write this letter.
That's the problem, see?
I wrote to her, sure,
but I didn't write letters.
O'REILLY: Well, what, then?
As a matter of fact...
I...
wrote...
love poems.
ELVIS PRESLEY:
Tell me that your sweet love
ELVIS PRESLEY:
Tell me that your sweet love
Hasn't died
Give me
Give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied
MOTHER: Remember, my dear...
they only want one thing.
Maybe they want it
more than once...
but it's still
only one thing.
ELVIS PRESLEY:
Little things
I should have said
And done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
BACKUP SINGERS:
You were always on my mind
ELVIS PRESLEY:
You were always on my mind
O'REILLY: I wish
you had let me read that poem.
JACKSON: A poem...
is a very personal document.
O'REILLY:
I hope it was a good one.
That's all I'm saying.
Because if she don't like it,
she won't come.
And if she don't come,
we're stuck.
JACKSON: It's her.
- I got your poem.
- Sorry?
CELINE: Your poem...
the one you wrote me.
ROBERT: Poem?
"Oh, desert me,
wretched loneliness...
"and bring me back my love...
"for she and I have parted...
"and the sky is up above."
JACKSON: It worked.
She loves it.
[Glass topples in bar]
CELINE: " Your limbs
so svelte and slender..."
"Your touch...
"so soft and tender."
"But the bits
that I like best...
"are the bits that..."
I'm not going to read that line.
O'REILLY: Jackson, Jackson,
what the hell did you write?
JACKSON: It was a...
O'REILLY: Yeah?
JACKSON:
A simple poetic reference...
uh, to...
ROBERT: Celine.
CELINE: Please.
Last verse.
"Just as the flowers blossom...
"in the gaze
of the shining sun..."
"I would be most honored..."
"if you would bear my son."
[O'Reilly sobs]
Robert, no one has ever
written me a poem before.
All those guys I dated,
they didn't care about me.
They just wanted to own this.
JACKSON: Huh?
CELINE: I would never open
my heart to any of those guys.
And before I met you...
I never believed
that there was any alternative.
JACKSON: Oh!
I knew it!
But when you
stopped that bullet...
JACKSON: Ha ha ha ha!
and got the wrong idea
about Elliot...
JACKSON: I knew it!
I should've understood.
- Celine...
- No. Let me finish.
This is difficult for me
to say...
but I feel I can trust you.
ROBERT: I didn't write the poem.
What?
I didn't write it.
I've never written a poem
in my life.
JACKSON: How can anybody
be that honest?
O'REILLY: It's his handwriting.
Tell him it's his handwriting.
But it's your handwriting.
It... it has this address.
It even has some sort of cheap
aftershave on the paper.
I didn't write the poem, OK?
Oh, my God.
ROBERT: Celine, no need to...
O'REILLY: Human fucking beings.
What do you have to do?
JACKSON:
We did everything for them!
Brought them together.
Put them in jeopardy.
We damn near killed them both!
We gave them every opportunity.
All they had to do
was fall in love...
and we could've gone home.
[Sobbing]
O'REILLY:
Maybe we failed, Jackson...
but we don't have to live
like this.
[Mutters]
Is she gone?
Yeah.
Nice-looking woman.
She isn't my type.
What are you talking about?
Look at yourself.
You're nobody.
You're nothing.
You're wanted in connection
with a violent crime.
You're cleaning the floor
of a diner.
She is an intelligent,
passionate...
beautiful rich woman.
[Beyond the Sea playing]
The issue of whether or not
she's your type...
is not one
that you are likely...
to have to resolve
in this world.
BOBBY DARIN SINGING:
She's there watching for me
Or indeed the next, since she
will be going to some heaven...
for glamorous pussy...
and you will be cleaning
the floor of a diner...
in hell.
I guess so.
So why are you even
thinking about it?
I don't know.
Stupid...
[Starter whines]
Come on.
Finish the floor.
[Starter whines]
CELINE: What the fuck?
Aah!
JACKSON: Shut up!
Where's my beautiful poem?
O'REILLY:
Your father's not home yet.
I don't expect he'll pay
our ransom straight off.
Not till we send a few fingers
through the mail.
JACKSON: Ooh.
Sixteen.
I'm gonna stick right there.
Say, how about you?
You want a hit?
No.
CELINE: [Muffled]
Mmm, stay.
- Uh-huh?
- No.
- Hit?
- No!
JACKSON: Now, Miss Naville...
you've got a five-card trick,
Miss Naville.
you've got a five-card trick,
Miss Naville.
You can stick right there...
and you got
four thousand dollars.
CELINE: Mm-hmm.
JACKSON:
But you want another hit? OK.
CELINE: [Muffled] No, no!
[Knock on door]
- What is that?
- Answer it, Jackson.
I can't do that.
I'm playing blackjack.
She might cheat
while I'm out of the room.
O'REILLY: All right.
I'll answer the door.
You play blackjack
with the hostage.
JACKSON: You sure you want
to increase your bet...
before you take another hit?
CELINE: [Muffled] No!
No!
OK.
[Muffled] No!
And...
CELINE: [Muffled] No!
Aah!
[Laughing]
JACKSON: Well...
There.
It's just as well
we're not playing for real.
ROBERT: Come on!
All right, now cut her free.
JACKSON: Aah!
What the hell did you do to her?
ROBERT:
I punched her in the face.
JACKSON: Oh! Ow!
Oh, you punched her in the face.
She's half your size,
and you punch her?
- She had a gun!
- Oh, she had a gun?
JACKSON: So that makes
everything all right, does it?
I'm not saying
it makes everything all right.
I'm just trying to explain
that for all I knew...
she could have been
a karate expert or something.
JACKSON: With a broken arm?
With a broken arm?!
OK. I'm sorry.
Now just cut her free!
You son of a bitch!
- Celine?
- What do you want?
I'm just trying to explain.
JACKSON: Aah!
CELINE:
Despite your crummy poem...
I came to visit
and all you could do...
was humiliate me
and turn me away.
I thought you were decent.
I thought you were different,
but you're not.
You're just a lying, cheating
son of a bitch...
just like all the rest!
ROBERT: Celine,
I never meant to hurt you!
I don't know
who wrote that poem...
but I'll tell you,
those are my feelings.
Oh, sure.
JACKSON: Not so easy now, huh?
ROBERT: Celine, Celine!
When you left the diner
last night...
I realized
I'd turned away the woman...
whom I'd spent the happiest...
most exciting times
of my life with...
who I care for
more than anyone on the earth!
Listen, listen!
Do you remember
that dream I had?
I dreamed that my life
was in danger...
that my heart stopped.
But you saved my life...
when you pierced my heart
with an arrow of your love.
And that's the truth.
Celine, what I'm saying
is that I love you.
JACKSON: What? What did you say?
ROBERT: What I was trying to say
was that I...
[Gun cocks]
O'REILLY: Oh, shit.
What?
Who is that?
MAYHEW:
Don't worry, Miss Celine.
Everything's going to be
just fine.
CELINE: Aah!
Well, we're not just gonna
leave them here, are we?
No, sir.
[Overlapping conversations]
[Telephones ringing]
[Knock on door]
Come in.
DUSTED SINGING:
Yes, there is a
Deeper river
That will bring you
Home again
Oh, there is a
Deeper river
Flowing under
I don't think
they're coming back.
Isn't there anything you can do?
I don't have the authority
to intervene.
DUSTED:
Deeper river
I don't have the authority
to intervene!
DUSTED:
That will bring you
Home again
CELINE:
Let me out of this trunk now!
Robert, he's gonna kill you!
Just run.
He doesn't want the money, OK?
He's gonna kill you!
[Pounding on trunk]
Just run, Robert, run!
ROBERT: It's probably
in the canoe, Mr. Naville.
That's probably where it is.
It's not in the canoe, sir...
but I think it's, uh, upstairs.
I think it's upstairs.
Might've put it there.
They probably left it
under the bed.
That would be a good place.
Tsk tsk tsk.
I don't think he has it...
Mr. Naville.
ROBERT: No. I...
that's it!
That's where it is!
That's where it was.
I put it under that board.
I'll have your money back to you
in a minute, Mr. Naville, sir.
Board up, and then
we'll get it back to you.
NAVILLE: We're just gonna have
to face the truth, Robert.
You don't have my money.
ROBERT: Yeah, it's down here,
all right, Mr. Naville, sir.
Just where I left it.
NAVILLE:
And frankly, I don't care.
It's just a detail.
ROBERT: You'll have your money
back in a second, sir.
NAVILLE: Long as you understand
that it isn't the money.
It's the principle.
CELINE: Somebody please
just let me out of here!
Mayhew, not with the ax.
This is Gabriel.
Get me God.
MAYHEW: Let's go. Come on!
Come on, come on!
Robert, what happened was
you shot them, and then you...
Did he just move?
MAYHEW: No, sir.
In all respect, sir, how could
anything be beyond your control?
Anyway, you shot them...
then you shot...
You sure he didn't move?
MAYHEW: I'm quite sure, sir.
Yes, sir.
No, sir.
[Creak]
MAYHEW: Sir?
Please.
NAVILLE: Yeah, quite.
Yeah, right.
[Gasps]
Mayhew, she's moved.
She's moved.
I saw it with my own eyes.
Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
MAYHEW: They are both dead, sir.
I shot them myself.
I won't disturb you again.
Yahoo!
CELINE: Who's that?
Robert?
NAVILLE: You shot them...
and then you shot yourself,
and then...
you set fire to this cabin.
Didn't you?
CELINE: Not yet, he didn't.
NAVILLE: Celine.
Why...
Why don't you just
put that gun down, hmm?
Do not get in my way, father.
Celine...
you're not responsible
for your actions.
You're unhinged.
You need the best
psychiatric treatment...
that money can buy...
just like your mother.
So why don't you just...
[Creak]
Why don't you just
give me the gun?
Because as he dreamt...
I shall save his life
with an arrow...
an arrow of my love for him.
Kill him, Mayhew.
[Cheering]
Ezekiel!
He's alive, Mayhew.
They're all alive.
GLADYS KNIGHT SINGING:
If I were your woman
And you were my man
You'd have no other woman
You'd be weak as a lamb
If you had the strength
To walk out that door
My love would overrule my sense
And I'd call you back for more
If I were your woman
CELINE: So you're telling me
that successful relationships...
are made in heaven?
Not founded
on the daily practicality...
of two people being prepared...
to tolerate the imperfections
of one another?
It's not successful
relationships, Celine.
It's love. And it comes from
a strange and wonderful place...
that we don't know about.
So you also reject the idea...
that love is merely
an emotional adaptation...
to a physical necessity?
Completely.
Are you serious?
Fate intervenes
in people's lives.
In ours, for instance.
Fate brought us together.
It kept us together.
We were destined
for one another.
Fate had a pretty strange way
of making its point.
But that's
part of the beauty of it.
It's inexplicable,
unpredictable...
and absolutely beyond control
or understanding.
But you nearly got killed.
But I didn't...
and here we are.
Do you have any substantial
evidence to back all this?
None at all.
And you realize
that it's absurd and irrational?
I know that.
Then why do you believe it?
Because, Celine, I'm a dreamer.
Well, I guess
that makes two of us.
Are you ready?
As I'll ever be.
Then let's go.
GLADYS KNIGHT:
But I'm too afraid to show it
If I were your woman
BACKGROUND SINGERS:
If you were my woman
GLADYS KNIGHT:
If I were your woman
BACKGROUND SINGERS:
If you were my woman
GLADYS KNIGHT:
If I were your woman
BACKGROUND SINGERS:
If you were my woman
[Crowd cheering]
GLADYS KNIGHT:
Never, no, no, no
Stop loving you
Oh, yeah
If I were your woman
Do you know what I'd do?
I'd never, never, never
stop loving you
If I were your woman
Your sweet loving woman
BACKGROUND SINGERS:
If you were my woman
GLADYS KNIGHT:
If I were your woman
BACKGROUND SINGERS:
If you were my woman
GLADYS KNIGHT:
I'd be your only woman
BACKGROUND SINGERS:
If you were my woman
GLADYS KNIGHT:
If I were your woman
BACKGROUND SINGERS:
If you were my woman
GLADYS KNIGHT:
You'd need no other woman
GLADYS KNIGHT:
You'd need no other woman
GABRIEL: All clear.
[Both gasping]
So, how was it?
O'REILLY: Believe me, Gabriel.
You don't want to know.
- But it worked.
- Yeah.
Love...
worked.
Ameratus pathum laborium.
Are we going home now?
We're going home.
At last.
Ohh!
OASIS SINGING: The paper boy
is looking before he goes
Lying to the teacher
who knows he knows
He didn't, and he should've
brought his lines in yesterday
Ernie bangs the sound
as the day begins
The letterbox is open,
and your cash falls in
Aah!
I'll meet you at the office
just before the staff clock in
Round our way
The birds are singing
Round our way
The sun shines bright
Aah!
Round our way
The birds sing for you
'Cause they already know you
Yeah, they already know you
The game is kicking off
in around the park
It's twenty-five a side,
and before it's dark
There's gonna be a loser
And you know the next goal wins
Cab it to the front
As it's called a draw
Everybody's knocking
at yours once more
Ernie bangs the sound
And no one's spoken
since half past four
La la la la la la la
Round our way
the birds are singing
Round our way
the sun shines bright
Round our way
the birds sing for you
'Cause they already know you
Yeah, they already know you
BECK SINGING: On the highway
Unpaved
Going my way
You're so alone today
Like a ghost town
I found there's no relief
No soul to mercy
Is it true what they say?
You can't behave
You gamble your soul away
Measuring your dreams
Oh, this life seems
Like the gristle of loneliness
Do do do do
Don't let the sun
catch you crying
Do do do do do
Don't let the sun
catch you crying
Like an ice age
Nice days on your way
Sipping the golden dregs
On a riptide
Freaks ride
Sleep inside
A parasite's appetite
Oh, say, can't you see
The chemistry?
The parasites, the cleanup fee
Death metal hands
Recycled cans
Get well cards
to the hostage vans
Don't let the sun
catch you crying
Do do do do do
Don't let the sun
catch you crying
LUSCIOUS JACKSON SINGING:
I got a magical ray
That reads you
like a book, yeah
You got a mystic pen
that sends me the message
Tests of my strength
Are pretty much all I know
For the rest of my life,
I will be climbing somewhere
Climbing
Climbing
Somewhere
Somewhere
And I have no fear
I have no fear
'Cause love is here
Love is here
Love is here
Love is here
Love is...
Did you know
that I'm looking at you now
With a daisy in my hair
Roses in my hand
And broken rhythms in disrepair
I hear
A danger in the air
For the rest of my life,
I will be climbing somewhere
Climbing
Climbing
Somewhere