A Modern Twain Story: The Prince and the Pauper (2007) Movie Script

Wow! This is amazing!
I think half of Palm Beach has turned out
for the world premiere of Spy Teen II.
And I see the limo now with teen heartthrob
and star of Spy Teen II,
Mister Eddie Tudor!
Congratulations on the movie, Eddie!
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, Palm Beach!
Your fans are waiting for you!
They're going crazy!
There's thousands of them!
Someday, that'll be me.
Turn that junk off, will you?
Come on, hurry up. Get dressed.
You're going to be late for school.
Got a big day starting tomorrow, you know.
We've gotta work this weekend.
Did you hear that, Pop?
You said "weekend."
That's the time you're supposed to rest.
Says who? Anyway, it's the O'Leary Estate.
Have you seen their backyard?
Oh, it's a thing of beauty.
It's going to be you and me
and dirt and worms.
What could be better?
I miss you guys.
Action, action, action!
- Oh, yeah.
- Cut!
Look, first of all, it is one front flip
before you get into the car, eh?
And you have to look behind you
to make sure they're not following you,
before you peel off.
Listen, if somebody was chasing you,
you wouldn't look back
to see if they were still chasing you.
You're stupid!
Now, I'm going to do two front flips,
'cause I can.
- Gunther, did we get that?
- No.
No. Jean-Pierre,
how do you say director in French?
- He's acting like a child!
- He is a child!
I should have opened a caf.
Listen, I don't care what you have to do.
Work it out.
We're happy in Palm Beach.
We want to stay here.
- How are you?
- Good.
- Know your lines?
- Yes.
- Get your stunts down?
- Yes.
Hey, listen up.
People are spreading the word
that you're creating problems on the set,
and there's a whole lot of cash riding
on this production.
So if you don't change your attitude,
they will replace you.
- Got it?
- Yeah, I got it.
And another thing,
no more pretend fainting spells
to get out of work. You hear me?
- Yeah, I hear you.
- Good.
- I'll see you later, babe.
- Bye, Mom.
Hey, Elizabeth, better not lose the stylist,
or you might end up looking fat
like in your last picture.
I hate you, Eddie Tudor!
You're getting mighty big
for your britches there, kid.
- What does that mean?
- It means you're acting like a little jerk.
You're not that cute little seven-year-old
anymore, Eddie. You better watch it.
You better watch it, Jerry,
before my mom finds out you're too old
to read my contracts and gets a new agent.
Whoa, nice.
Hey. What's up, little man?
Nothing much. Just reading this book
you gave me. It's awesome.
Yeah, that's great. Glad you like it.
Yeah, check out this part.
"Be careful in the use of mirrors.
"It teaches the actor to look on the outside
and not the inside of his soul."
- That's an important one.
- Yeah.
All right, what does it mean?
Well, I think what he's saying is
that acting is about real emotions,
not just about making faces for the camera.
Oh, like when Eddie Tudor
tells Lady Elizabeth
that she's the prettiest girl
on the pirate ship?
Yeah, like that.
Aye, matey,
I'll never let one of your pirates free
until I get my Lady Elizabeth with me.
Lady Elizabeth,
you're the most beautiful girl I've ever met.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Good show.
All right. Now it's your turn.
- No, I don't...
- Come on.
No, I'm not in the mood today.
- Come on, Miles.
- No. Come on, I'm tired.
- It's the morning. It's early.
- You know what? It's because you're lazy,
and that's why you just sit
on this lawn chair all day and do nothing.
Come on.
Fine. A short one.
"If thou didst ever hold me in thy heart
absent thee from felicity awhile,
"and in this harsh world
draw thy breath in pain,
"to tell my story."
- That was great.
- Thanks.
It's too bad you got caught up
in cheesy movies and lost your career.
I didn't lose my career.
I walked away from it
because I became an idiot.
Let's go, Tom!
What's he got you speaking Italian for?
Well, it's good to know accents
for different roles.
Yeah, well, just remember,
we've got a busy weekend ahead of us.
Yeah. Pop, look, I'm not so sure
I want to work with you this weekend.
You think I'm going to give you money?
You gotta work for money.
I know, I know. It's just that...
The school has this acting club called
The Broadway Players, and...
- The Broadway what?
- Players.
They meet every weekend
and sometimes at night.
I was hoping that maybe I could join.
So you're going to join an acting group.
What about work?
Well, maybe I can get a job in the studio
after school and work on the sets.
You don't know what you're talking about,
That production in there ain't hiring locals.
They're a bunch of pig heads
with no respect for the working man.
Palm Beach is looking
to kick them out any day now.
And that's why you are going to go
to work this weekend, learn landscaping,
and that's that.
- I don't wanna learn landscaping.
- Landscaping is great work.
I'm not good at it!
And, frankly, I just hate dirt!
There's money in dirt. Look, Thomas...
Look, Pop, I'll work with you this weekend,
but not because I want to.
Hey, Tommy. Do Darth Sidious.
His death was a necessary loss.
Soon, I will have a new apprentice,
one that's younger and more powerful.
- Hi, Tom.
- Hey, Sandy.
Hey, do Eddie Tudor.
Oh, yeah.
- Hey, loser!
- Did you just call me a loser?
- Yeah, I did. That's my girlfriend.
- A thousand pardons, sir.
Talk to me in a normal voice
or I'm gonna punch you in the face.
Saved by the bell.
That's the luck of the Irish for you.
- Aye, matey, drop your sword!
- No way, man.
That's not what a pirate would say.
A pirate would say,
"I'll never drop me sword to you,
you scurvy dog!"
Tom Canty, I have had it with you!
What's the matter with you, boy?
Don't you have any interest
in any of your subjects?
Well, then what are we supposed to do
with you?
I can't possibly send you to detention again,
because it does no good.
What do you want to do with your life?
- I wanna be Eddie Tudor.
- Who?
You know, actor. He's in all the movies
like Pirates of the Peninsula and Spy Teen.
- You want to be an actor?
- Yeah, that's what I want to be.
In all the movies.
I mean,
I have books on acting and everything.
Then get yourself in an acting class.
But while you're in my school,
I'm gonna need you to behave
and pay attention.
Listen, The Broadway Players are meeting
in the auditorium this afternoon.
- You know what that is?
- Yeah.
Then go.
I don't even want to be an actor.
I wanna take the boat out.
- This was supposed to be my day off.
- What can I tell you? The schedule changed.
This stinks. I don't get any time
to breathe around this dump.
I don't want to hear any more about it.
Well, maybe if I had a dad,
he'd want to hang out with me,
and I could get out of it.
Okay, enough with the guilt trip, Eddie.
You have me. That's enough.
Okay, talk to me. Well, how did it go?
You were supposed to fix it.
No... Hold on.
Eddie, go in the trailer for a second, okay?
I have to work out a little problem.
Am I hearing this?
'Cause I'm not happy. Not happy.
I hate my life.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, I was just wondering,
do you guys have any jobs available?
- On the lot?
- Yeah.
- Come back on Tuesday from 9:00 to 3:00.
- For what?
To fill out an application.
Oh! Oh, oh, I don't know if I want a job,
I just want to see if there are any.
Well, when you figure it out,
come back on Tuesday from 9:00 to 3:00.
Okay, thanks.
Hey. Eddie Tudor.
I don't want your bodyguard
to beat me up or anything.
- I don't have a bodyguard.
- You don't?
- Who the heck are you?
- Tom Canty.
Look, what do you want from me?
An autograph?
Oh, no. I just wanted to stop by and say hi.
I don't have many friends,
just a whole bunch of old people and losers.
Yeah, I can tell.
Yeah. Well, it's pretty cool that you get
to act in movies all the time.
- Oh, you're an actor?
- Yeah.
What have you been in?
This and that...
Well, nothing yet, but I'm hoping to be.
I mean, it's not like it's fun or anything.
It's not like you can take your boat out,
or blow up old set props when you want to.
It's just, "Rehearse this and act this,
and smile here and go there."
- It's kind of annoying.
- Sounds great to me.
You have a dad?
No. No, my parents died.
I live with my grandpa.
- You?
- Nah, never knew him.
I don't know where he is now.
Oh, that's horrible.
- You want to see my boat?
- Sure.
- Wow, that's so awesome! It's an Ebbtide.
- Yeah, I know.
Are you gonna take it out today?
Well, not right now, but I do know how.
I had to drive a boat for my last movie.
I do all my own stunts,
and the special effects people
taught me how.
They're the coolest people
to know on the set. It's great.
They even taught me how to hot-wire it.
Just for fun, though.
They made me promise not to steal a boat.
Still sounds cool to me.
Do you have an Xbox?
No, no.
My Pop's really strict on stuff like that.
Sometimes we go down
to the local coffee shop
and we can play some arcade games,
but nothing more than that.
- I have an Xbox back in my trailer.
- You do?
Wow. Your mom really lets you play this?
She has no idea what I do.
Well, she wasn't always a producer,
but now she's just busy all the time.
But whatever. Who cares?
Yeah, my grandpa just works
in people's backyards.
I know Miles Henlon, though.
Yeah, he's an actor. He used to work
on this show called Palm Beach High.
It was shot on this lot.
And he did a lot of movies in the '80s.
He met Marlon Brando once. That's his hero.
- Who?
- Marlon Brando,
the greatest actor that ever lived.
- Whoa, is that your suit?
- Yeah.
You know, it's not as shiny close up.
Well, that's 'cause they spray this shiny goo
all over it before I shoot. It's cool.
And that's where you keep your G4X laser!
Oh, man. That's awesome.
- You don't mind if I try it on, do you?
- No, go ahead. Whatever.
Oh, yeah.
Holy cow! You look just like me!
Unbelievable. Wait a minute. Take this.
Come in.
We're ready for rehearsal, Mr. Tudor.
Well, Eddie, I should be going.
Maybe we can switch it...
Hang out again sometime.
- Oh, wait!
- See you.
Oh, yeah?
I'll wait for you outside.
Hey! Hey! What are you doing here?
What are you...
This is Gate L.
I think we just had an intruder.
Oh, man. It's his grandfather.
What the bejeepers is going through
that crazy mind of yours?
You know you had me worried
half to death? You know that?
When you didn't come home from school,
I knew exactly where to find you.
Now, get in there!
You know, you think you want to be
an actor 'cause you think it's easy, huh?
Put your seat belt on.
Life is about hard work and sacrifice.
You don't get something for nothing,
Thomas. You gotta work.
And you work hard,
good things will happen.
What do I always tell you?
Well, what do I always tell you?
You know, a crazy person could have
snatched you right up off the street
and kidnapped you.
I try to be good to you.
I know you had it hard.
And, well, I haven't had to be a real parent
in a long time.
And the only reason I push you
is 'cause I love you, kid.
- Let's just go to work.
- Okay.
Okay, Eddie. You know what the scene is.
Start at one, pick up the laser,
do a little banana.
Eddie, you getting this?
And after you make your banana
and land on two, go camera left and deliver.
Got it? Good. Roll sound!
All right, everybody. Let's get a solid one.
- Rolling!
- And action!
Eddie, Eddie. Let's go.
Laser. Pick up... Banana. Two. Banana!
Eddie! Eddie!
Come on, kid, we did it 1,000 times.
He's not supposed to faint.
- What is that?
- You know what this is. Stop it.
I'm not touching that stuff.
Well, you used to think it was funny.
You used to make me laugh.
- Well, I can make you laugh.
- Hey, listen, let's just do the work.
Lay the stuff out
and then we can go home for dinner.
- Knock, knock.
- What?
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Interrupting cow.
- What?
- Not "what," "who." Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
- That's a good one. Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow...
Are you crazy? What? Are you high?
No. You're funny.
- I'm funny?
- Yeah.
What's gotten into you, Tom?
Oh, no. I'm not Tom.
I'm Eddie Tudor. I'm an actor.
Tom's back at my trailer.
We switched places. It's good to meet you.
You know, you gotta stop this.
You're starting to scare me.
Well, I'm not Tom. Just look at my face.
We switched clothes and everything.
You're going to give your Pop
a heart attack.
No. You don't get it. You're not my Pop.
Fine, Tom.
If that's the way you feel,
then I'm heading home.
I don't feel much like work today.
No. I didn't mean it like that. It's...
It's just... I'm not Tom.
- You can't keep working him so hard.
- Oh, Jerry. Don't be so dramatic.
You don't think maybe
you're pushing him too hard, Harlin?
He's faking. You've seen him do it 100 times.
He's just looking for attention.
Maybe that's 'cause he needs it.
- What do you mean by that?
- You haven't even been in there to see him.
Look, Jerry, I'm a single mom.
I'm doing the best that I can.
I have been working very hard to make
a better life for that kid,
and you're going to throw it in my face?
Besides, he's passed out, for Christ's sake.
He wouldn't know if I was in there or not.
Let's go, kid. The jig is up.
I said let's go. We know you're faking.
I'm really sorry.
It all happened so fast.
I just came in here to see Eddie Tudor.
And then we switched clothes
and the production assistant...
Hold it! What are you talking about?
I thought you knew.
I'm not Eddie. My name's Tom Canty.
Oh, my God.
I've had it. We've all had it.
I know your little fainting spell
was a put-on.
- Huh?
- It was a fake.
I'm saying I know your faint was a fake.
- How can you fake a faint?
- Oh, you can fake a faint.
- You can't fake a faint.
- I've seen you do it all over the lot.
The stunt guys taught you how,
three movies ago.
You've got to get your priorities straight,
I'm not Eddie.
You're driving me crazy.
And I have to tell you the truth.
They're thinking of replacing you.
They think you've lost your appeal.
Losing appeal? Eddie Tudor?
Are they crazy?
You've got to get your act together.
Know your lines, come on time,
no mouthing off, no practical jokes,
no fainting spells,
and no telling me you're not who you are!
Believe me, kid,
you say that to one person out there,
and you are toast.
They'll pull the plug on this production,
your mother will lose her job,
and no one will work with you again.
Could that really happen
to someone like Eddie Tudor?
It's show business. You bet your butt it can.
Phony actors.
- Hey.
- Hey, pal. What's going on?
Nothing much. Got a phone?
- You got someone to call?
- Yeah.
Why don't you go in the house
and use your own phone?
He's sort of mad at me.
- We haven't met. I'm Eddie Tudor.
- Now, why don't you stop that?
That's going to do nothing for you
but get you grounded.
- I'm serious.
- Yeah, so am I.
What is wrong with you people?
You're all crazy.
I mean, don't you know
who's who around here?
Look at me. I'm Eddie Tudor!
Tom, get in here!
What's up with that kid?
Looking good.
Thomas, dinner's ready!
- Do you have anything else to eat?
- What?
Well, it's not a veggie burger,
and I'm a vegetarian.
What do you want from me? What?
You want to go to acting classes?
- What loser wants to go to acting classes?
- That's what I was saying.
Yeah. Why would I want to do that?
I'm already a movie star.
You've got to stop this, Tom.
I'm not Tom. I'm Eddie Tudor.
And if you don't mind,
I'd like to borrow your phone
so I can call the studio
and have someone come and pick me up.
Tom is probably looking for me
to switch places with him again.
You're completely losing it.
Why don't you just fix yourself
a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
There's nothing I can do with you.
Hopefully, you'll feel better in the morning.
Now, don't go anywhere.
I'll be back to pick you up
when they're through with you.
- Who?
- What?
- Who?
- Who what?
Who is going to be through with me,
after they're done doing what?
It's wardrobe. You're being fitted.
Oh, of course.
Oh, no way. That was Lady Elizabeth.
I can't believe I did that.
- You are a jerk, Eddie.
- I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to.
You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen.
Ready, Mister Tudor?
I'm really sorry.
All right.
So you know what you gotta do, right?
You come out, you hit the mark.
"Oh, yeah." Water. Good.
Oh, yeah.
- Hit him again.
- Oh, yeah.
Give me more water!
- All right, one more time.
- Oh, yeah.
That's great.
Let's go to lunch.
- Hey, where're you going?
- I'm going back to the studio.
What are you thinking?
You know he won't like you running around
down there this late.
Does this kid get to do anything?
I saw you on the posters in Tom's room.
Oh, don't start in about my career.
I don't want to hear about it.
And stop talking like you're somebody else.
You're freaking me out.
Why'd you go from starring in big movies
to just sitting on a lawn chair all day?
I said lay off it today.
- I just want to know what happened.
- I quit. That's what happened.
I don't blame you. Acting stinks.
Is your Pop getting to you?
You can't let him do that.
I left the business because I didn't like
who I was, not because I didn't like acting.
I was a nasty person,
especially to those people
who really cared about me.
And soon nobody would work with me,
so it all went away. It was all gone.
The people who I thought were my friends,
they were just tag-alongs.
The people who were really my friends,
they were long gone.
So I moved here, and here I stay.
Because I like this. I like this lawn chair.
It's not acting that stinks, Tom.
It's the person you become
when you don't appreciate what you have.
Look, just tell the old man
I decided to take a walk for a while.
- You can't go down there by yourself.
- I'll be fine.
Oh, come on. Come on, let's hang out.
We'll talk Stanislavsky.
Look, I'm leaving.
Come in.
Yeah, the director wanted me to tell you
that today was a better day.
It's rare that we make it through a day
without any hassles from you.
He wanted you to know you did a good job.
He said keep it up.
- See you tomorrow? Don't be late.
- I won't.
Hey! What's up?
You'd better get dressed, kid.
You've got an appearance.
- An appearance?
- Yeah.
An interview to promote Spy Teen III.
You remember that one?
Oh, I'm exhausted.
Well, see, that's what happens
when you have a good day.
Okay, I'll get dressed right away.
Good, and I'll meet you in the limo
in half an hour.
Tom, are you going to Players?
- No.
- Why not?
I don't know. Why?
I thought you said you were going,
that's all.
- Oh. Well, what is it?
- You know. Acting group.
We're gonna rehearse some scenes
and decide what play
we're putting up and stuff.
- Oh. Do you get paid?
- They don't pay you. It's for fun.
- Sounds like a bunch of losers to me.
- Wow. That was mean.
I guess you're a jerk outside of school.
No wonder you have no friends.
Wait, I guess I'll go.
Are you running away?
- Man, all you people are crazy in this town.
- Are you running away from home?
Well, yeah. I guess you could say that.
Look, Tom, I know it's been tough on you
with your Pop, but you've got to go back.
- I'm not going back to that nuthouse.
- Don't say that. Where are you gonna go?
I'll go back to the set
and switch places with the real Tom.
Then he'll come back here,
and everything will make sense.
But first, I'm going to follow that pretty girl
who just called me a jerk.
Then I'll just follow you and make sure
that you go straight home after.
Fine, but just don't talk to me
in front of the ladies.
All right, let's go!
- Cool.
- Yeah, man, let's make a move.
- Take it easy. We're all set?
- Yes, sir.
Welcome to our first meeting
of The Broadway Players.
Now, based on many conversations I've had
with some of you,
I've narrowed down our first
production options to just a couple.
Our first production
is always Shakespearean,
but none of us are interested
in any of those droll tragedies
that are done over and over again
by countless amateurish companies.
So, let me tell you
what we've narrowed it down to.
We have Comedy of Errors,
as well as Much Ado About Nothing.
What we're gonna do tonight is
we are going to vote.
So, I've got some ballots.
And I think this will be quite fair.
Here we are. There you go.
- What's she even talking about?
- Shakespeare.
Hey. Where are you going now?
Well, I ain't hanging out with those losers.
- They seemed pretty cool to me.
- Well, it isn't. It's stupid.
And who cares about Shakespeare, anyway?
The guy's been dead for, like, 2,000 years.
Come on, don't be intimidated.
You can always learn.
- That's what school's for, right?
- Look, lay off, man.
I mean, why do you even care what I do,
I've known you since you were a little kid,
Tom. You're my buddy.
I'm going and don't follow me, okay?
Okay, you can stop following me now.
Tom is in the trailer waiting for me
to come back and switch places.
Then I'll be a movie star again,
and he can go back to planting trees.
Watch. You'll see.
Hey, I'm Eddie Tudor.
I need to get to my trailer.
- You again? Beat it, kid.
- Excuse me?
I said get out of here
and stop playing around.
I don't know if you know who I am,
but I need to show up on set
or you'll lose your job. How about that?
Well, if you were Eddie Tudor,
you'd be on a plane to Miami.
How about that?
They're not in there, Tom.
- I'm not talking to you.
- He's right.
Tom, look.
- All the trailers are gone.
- They must have moved to a different lot.
No. They're gone, Tom.
Yeah, I can see that.
I wanna know where they went.
- They went to Miami.
- Miami?
Yeah, they changed locations
to save money.
You'll read all about it
in the paper tomorrow.
It's okay.
There'll be another production in here soon.
Another production?
What were they thinking?
How could they leave without me?
They wouldn't go anywhere without you.
Now, come on. Snap out of it, will you?
You're right. They wouldn't.
Because they still think I'm there.
Because that little punk is pretending
to be me!
- Tom.
- Stop calling me Tom, you crazy psycho!
- Now, which way is Miami?
- Don't be ridiculous.
Hello? Yeah. Yeah.
What is... What is this about?
I sent you an invoice.
What am I gonna do?
My boat. My boat!
What? Are you on speakerphone?
You have an echo. I hope... Yeah.
I can't talk to you!
Look, I just dropped Epsom salts
all over the bathroom floor.
- Wait. Where are we?
- The airport.
- Wait. Why?
- Your mom's waiting on the jet. Come on.
No, wait a second. Where are we going?
- Not far. Come on.
- I'm not getting on that jet.
Oh, you're getting on that jet
if I have to drag you on myself.
All right. Here we are.
Just sit right down here. Good boy.
Eddie, take your sunglasses off inside.
It's too obnoxious, even for you.
Take them off.
I'd like to keep them on.
- By the way, where are we going?
- We're going to Miami.
Wait. I thought I had an appearance
for Spy Teen III.
- Oh, you do. In Miami.
- Well, why didn't you tell me this?
Because we all know
how dramatic you are, Eddie.
- Excuse me!
- Okay.
- Can somebody open those doors?
- Okay, okay.
Eddie, Eddie. Eddie! Sit down. Listen.
We have to go to Miami, okay?
Now, why don't you just calm down
and we'll talk about it?
Look, I'm not Eddie. Do you hear me?
I'm not Eddie Tudor.
My name is Tom Canty!
We switched places this afternoon!
Okay. You know something?
This is ridiculous.
I'm not going to stand for this behavior.
I am sorry we have to relocate, okay?
It's just as simple as that.
Listen to me.
We ran into
a bit of a tax issue in Palm Beach.
So to save some money,
we have to move to Miami.
Listen, there's nothing I could do about it.
I know you love your boat.
- We'll get you another...
- My boat? Let me off of this jet!
Okay. I don't want you to overreact.
So let's just take a big breath
and calm ourselves down.
- Listen to me. Big breath in. Big breath out.
- I want to go home!
Oh, my gosh.
Listen, I've just about had it with you,
Eddie. All right?
You are going to Miami
if I have to fly this plane myself.
- You cannot steal this boat.
- It's my boat.
Your Pop is gonna kill you
if you get arrested.
He's just starting to come around
about the acting lessons.
Who wants acting lessons?
What are you doing? Give me that key!
- Give me the key! Give me the key!
- You want this key?
- There.
- What did you do that for?
Because if you steal that boat,
you're gonna get arrested.
The whole movie is gone. It's gone, Tom.
If you were really a part of it,
you'd be with them.
They left me. Mom left me.
Come on. Let's go home.
Come on, clap.
Come on, Pop. Clap for Tom.
Come on, clap.
It's showtime, kid!
It's showtime, cutie pie. Wake up. Wake up.
You must have been tired.
You've been sleeping for eight hours.
- Where are we?
- Sunny Miami. You're gonna love it.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
I need to get back to Palm Beach.
Well, there's nothing in Palm Beach.
We took it all with us.
- Pop, Miles...
- You have a bad dream?
- You just breathe and relax. Let it go.
- No. No, you really don't get it.
- I have to get back to Palm Beach.
- But what is the attachment to Palm Beach?
Okay, look.
If you relax, Palm Beach is an hour away.
Do your work,
we'll go visit anytime you want.
Tonight. Fine.
You do a good day's work,
we'll go to Palm Beach.
Hey, is that mean lady gonna yell
at me again?
- You mean your mother?
- That's his mother?
It's just a situation
that got completely out of control.
It wasn't being handled properly.
We never should have had
to leave Palm Beach.
- They practically threw us out.
- Bunch of hicks.
- Why'd they kick you out?
- What?
- I said why'd they kick you out?
- Why don't you go back
to learning your lines
and getting water dumped on your head?
Don't worry about what the big producers
are doing, okay?
Don't talk to him like that.
Eddie, it's just a little too complicated
for you to understand, that's all.
Oh, really? Yeah, well, what I heard is that
you guys are a bunch of stuck-up pig heads
with no respect for the working man.
You guys were gonna get kicked out
sooner than later.
Well, that's just what I heard.
- Really?
- Yeah.
What was that?
- I was telling the truth.
- Well, don't do that.
First team. First team. I need Eddie.
All right, get going.
And no fainting!
Eddie, come on.
All you have to do is stand on your spot
and say your lines to Elizabeth.
- Think you can handle it?
- Yeah.
Okay, great. Roll sound!
You want to shoot the rehearsal,
just in case?
Yeah, we better shoot everything
with this kid.
All right, Eddie. This is very important.
This is the biggest moment of the movie,
all right?
- Okay.
- Do your best here, buddy.
And action!
I just want to tell you
that in times of danger,
when the universe is in our hands
and the madness of everyone around us
makes no sense,
I'm really glad to have you as a friend
and as a fellow protector of goodness.
We will beat Evil Darkness
and Doctor Know-it-All
and their evil motives.
We will save our planet.
Innocence and goodness will prevail.
So once and for all, are you with me?
You know it.
And cut!
- Excellent!
- Eddie, that was so good.
- Oh, thanks.
- That wasn't like anything...
That was so different from everything else.
It was really good.
That was excellent!
Elizabeth, you were great.
Eddie, that was awesome.
We're gonna do one more for safety,
okay, buddy?
- All righty.
- All right. Settle in, everybody.
Come on, Mom. Pick up.
Mom. How could you do this, Mom?
Come back and get me.
I'm in some crazy man's house
back in Palm Beach.
I don't even know where I am.
Tom! Time to go!
Hey. You see Tom?
Yeah, Tom. He's not in his room.
He's supposed to work today.
Yeah, I saw him.
He left a little while ago
to play baseball down at the field.
- Baseball?
- Yeah.
- Are you sure?
- That's what he said.
You should lay off that kid a little,
you know?
- What'd you say?
- I think you're a little hard on him, that's all.
You think I care what you think?
Fine life you're living.
- I'm just saying.
- Yeah, well, don't say.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, no.
Turn your engines off
and keep your hands in the air!
Is this the way to Miami?
Good morning.
This is the appearance we postponed,
Eddie? You gonna speak to me?
You said we could go back to Palm Beach.
We will, okay? I promise.
We didn't get finished shooting
until late last night,
but everybody is talking about
what a great job you did.
So just keep your answers short and sweet.
- Did you get that last part?
- What part?
- Sweet.
- Yeah, I got it.
Yeah, well, your mother said to have fun
and she couldn't be here
because she has a production meeting
that she couldn't get out of.
So listen, we'll keep this fairly simple.
I'll ask you a couple of questions
about the movie, and you say it's great.
Maybe throw in a funny story,
something like that.
- Does that sound good?
- Yeah, sounds great.
Great. So let's get started.
So, here we are at the Tiki Grill
with the one, the only,
our favorite Spy Teen, Eddie Tudor.
So tell me, Eddie,
how does a good Spy Teen start his day?
What did you eat for breakfast
this morning?
A piece of gum, I think.
A piece of gum. Wow.
Kids, don't try that at home.
Tell us,
is there a lovely she-spy in your life?
You know. Don't be secretive.
Do you have a girlfriend?
No, no. Not currently.
And here's the question
we are all dying to know.
Are you a briefs or boxers kind of guy?
You mean my underwear?
Yes, of course. It says a lot about a person.
I guess whatever my Pop buys me.
Your pop?
It's widely documented
that your father is no longer in the picture.
Is this an exclusive that you are now
back in contact with your deadbeat dad?
This interview is over.
- Excuse me, sir?
- Can I help you?
What happened to the boat
that was docked here?
Oh, don't worry about it.
They caught the kid that stole it.
They've got him down
at the police station right now.
Who would have thought
a 14-year-old kid could hot-wire a boat?
- Who are you?
- What?
Don't play games with me.
I know you're not Eddie, I know it.
So you can tell me who you are,
or you can wait
until I call everybody else out here
and they can ask you, too.
So who are you?
Tom Canty.
- Where's Eddie?
- Somewhere in Palm Beach.
Look, we switched places. It was a joke.
And he was supposed to come back
at the end of the day, but he never showed.
I had no idea I'd end up in Miami.
- Don't tell anyone.
- Don't tell?
Elizabeth, I need to speak to Eddie alone,
please. Thank you.
Sure. I was just leaving.
Eddie, I need to know
what's going on with you.
Do you think I'm a bad mother?
- What?
- Look, I work really hard for you, Eddie.
I work hard for us.
Look, I'm sorry you don't have a father.
I'm sorry you don't know who he is.
Okay, you want to know about him? Fine.
He was an actor who couldn't cut it.
So he left the business, and so he left us.
Okay, he left us before he knew you were
in the picture.
You're old enough to know that now.
And I decided not to tell him about you
because we are better off that way.
Someday, when you're older,
you'll understand that.
But those are our secrets, Eddie.
These are not things
that you tell people on TV.
I mean, what is this story that you made up
about your father buying you
your underwear?
And let me tell you something else.
If you ever leave me
another freaky voice message
saying that you're trapped
in some crazy man's house in Palm Beach,
oh, you're going to get it.
Do you understand?
- Do you understand me?
- Yes, yes. I'm sorry.
You know, you are really starting
to freak me out, Eddie! Just knock it off!
I didn't steal it. It's my boat!
No dice, kid.
You better start piping up
and tell us who to call to bail you out.
Either that or you spend the night here.
Don't scare the kid.
You know very well he's a minor
with no previous charges.
- He didn't even get that far in the darn boat.
- Oh, wow.
You're that guy. You were on that show.
I remember you.
Come on, Tom.
I posted bail for you,
and I didn't tell your Pop, okay?
Come on, let's hear it.
What was that line you used to say
at the beginning of every show?
Burt Donavan, Miami Squad.
You know, I remember that show.
You were a huge star. A real mean guy, too.
I brought my kid to the set one day
because he just wanted to say hello,
and you treated us
like two pieces of garbage.
- You're beginning to see the light.
- I guess you could say that.
- How long have you lived down here?
- About 10 years.
Well, Palm Beach is a nice place to retire to
when your career goes in the toilet.
Oh, but maybe if you weren't such a jerk,
your career wouldn't be in the toilet.
Can we just please finish up the paperwork?
- You're the kid's legal guardian?
- No.
Then I can't let him go with you.
Maybe I could make a donation
to your benevolent association or...
Oh, yeah. You probably make a lot of money
on those rerun checks, huh?
- How much of a donation?
- I don't know, about 200 bucks?
How about $500?
- Who do I make this out to?
- The Police Athletic League.
For the kids, since you like kids so much.
Right, kid?
Here you go.
You have a nice day.
Thank you, Officers.
Don't worry, I'll pay you back.
Well, as soon as I get to Miami.
Tom, you are not going to Miami.
Now, look. I know you've had it hard,
losing your parents,
and having to live with your grandfather.
I know that can take a huge toll on a kid.
But listen to me. You've got to stop this.
You've got to pull yourself together
because I'd hate to see you end up
in some sort of hospital.
But you keep hot-wiring heavy machinery,
that's where they're going to send you.
Or juvie hall.
Now, it's just a matter of time
before your Pop finds out what you did.
- Let's just go home and deal with it, okay?
- I'm not going anywhere but Miami.
Look, I just spent a lot of money on you.
You're going to do what I tell you.
You're not my dad!
No, I'm not your dad, but I care about you.
- Why?
- What do you mean, why?
Because you're a good kid.
And I don't want to see you get
in any more trouble than you already are.
Now, come on. Let's go.
You can't walk to Miami.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hey, thanks for not saying anything.
- It's okay. What are you gonna do?
- I have no idea.
I tried to tell them I'm not Eddie,
and they think I'm going crazy.
And now Eddie's left behind somewhere
and who knows what kind of trouble he's in.
I think you did Eddie a favor.
- You do?
- Yeah.
- Why?
- Because he was about to get fired.
Everybody knew it.
Everybody except Eddie.
Now they're not saying that anymore.
Well, I'm not sure how much longer
I can keep this little game up.
Well, we have to keep it up
and pretend that everything's normal.
I mean, at least until we figure out
how to get Eddie back.
Pops is probably really sad.
- Why don't you call him?
- Then what?
- Ask him to come get you?
- Then what?
Eddie will really be fired
if they found out he pulled a stunt like this.
And on top of that...
He's gonna be really mad! I'm dead!
It's not funny, milady. It's not.
Oh, so you like accents?
Well, how about...
I can even do New York.
Hey, yo, babe. You know,
you and I could go out for coffee.
Am I dreaming,
or are you two getting along?
No, I hate him.
I'm going to find that kid and knock him out.
And go back to my life.
That little punk won't be
in my shoes much longer.
And you can't force me to stay here, either.
I'm telling you, I'm only here
to figure out a way to sneak away again.
And this time, I won't get caught.
- Are you out of your mind?
- Oh, no.
You know what I just heard?
That some kid claiming to be a movie star
tried to steal a boat
out of the marina this morning,
and he looked a lot like my grandson.
And then some washed up actor
bailed him out.
- Now, I want to know what's going on.
- Hey, come on, now.
Go a little easy on the kid, will you?
You're not his family!
Don't tell me how to raise my grandson!
Come on. For Christ's sake.
Do you wanna ruin the whole family?
And then people are going to come...
- Hey, Billy. How's it going?
- Oh, not bad. Knock them dead today.
- Hi, Eddie.
- Hi.
- Good work, Eddie.
- How you doing?
- Hey, Eddie.
- Hey, Billy.
- Great job yesterday, Eddie.
- Thank you.
- You were great, too, Elizabeth.
- Yeah, thanks.
Now, listen,
you know your scenes for today, right?
- Hey, Nick.
- Yes, Jerry. What can I do for you?
I just wanted to tell you
before somebody else did.
There was a little problem in Palm Beach
with Eddie's speedboat.
Some kid claiming to be Eddie
tried to steal it.
It's all taken care of.
They arrested the kid, the boat is safe,
and it's on its way here just like Harlin
requested. So it should be a smooth day.
Okay, good, 'cause you know
the producers are here today, right?
I know.
What happened to Eddie?
I mean the kid who stole my boat.
I don't know.
Some old movie star bailed him out.
It's a bizarre town.
I'm so glad we're out of there.
- And you are, too, aren't you, Eddie?
- Yeah, sure.
Listen, darling,
your boat's gonna be here any second, now.
This is a big day, today.
We don't want to mess it up, do we?
- No.
- Good.
- Listen, I've got to talk to you.
- All right.
Now, look, just listen to me.
You will work with me when I say.
Now, look, just listen to me.
You will work with me when I say.
Here's your $20 you earned.
You will pay Miles back.
You will not join that acting club.
You will not wear that gel in your hair,
and you will not get in trouble in school.
Do you hear me, Tom?
Things were all right with us till a year ago.
Then what happened?
When are you going to get over
this acting stuff, huh?
What is that? A phase?
I don't know how to do this.
I wish your mother was here, you know?
All I can do is ground you.
All right, I want you to go to your room
and stay there until I tell you to come out.
Come on!
And what do I always say to you?
I only push you 'cause I love you, kid!
I only push you 'cause I love you!
Go to your bed!
Mom. It's me, Eddie.
All right, look.
I forgive you for leaving me behind,
but whoever the kid is pretending to be me
on the set, isn't me.
His name is Tom. That's all I know.
You have to kick him off the set
and come back to get me in Palm Beach.
I'm with some crazy old man named Pop.
Just... This time I'm serious. All right. Bye.
Where do you come off
lying to me about my grandson?
- I never lied to you.
- You knew he wasn't at the ball field!
You stay away from the kid. You hear me?
I don't trust you!
Look, he was gonna run away.
Now, I don't know if he's really gone crazy
or if he's just pretending,
but either way, he wants out.
And if you keep pushing him,
that's where he's going to go.
You hear me, you stubborn old man?
- Where do you think he's going?
- Miami.
- Miami?
- Yeah!
- There's no answer.
- Leave a message.
- No.
- Yes!
Hi, Pop. It's Tom.
I'm really sorry, but I switched places
with Eddie Tudor, the movie star,
and now I'm in Miami on his movie set
with no way to get home.
Could you pick me up?
Well, I'm really sorry,
and I hope you're not upset.
I'm a dead kid.
Well, we don't have to keep it up
for too much longer.
- Are you gonna go back to Palm Beach?
- Yeah, I guess.
- You know, we could still e-mail.
- Yeah, that'd be cool.
You know, you're really good at this.
- At what?
- At being Eddie.
I mean, you're a better Eddie
than Eddie ever was.
Yeah, but you know what? I'm not Eddie.
And he's probably out there somewhere,
maybe even arrested.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Veggie burger, please. Thank you.
Yeah, hi. The Eddie Tudor production
that was shooting at your studio,
they moved down to Miami.
Do you know which studio they moved to?
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Are you sure this is where he's going?
That's where he said he was going,
no matter what I did to try and stop him.
He wants to be Eddie Tudor,
and he's going to the movie set to be him.
And what if he gets there and chickens out?
You don't know Tom very well, do you?
We fixed your laser,
and all your props will be ready
- in your trailer within the next hour.
- Oh, thank you.
How are you doing, my man?
- All right. Look, I'm not Eddie.
- Oh.
I think he stole his boat back to get here.
And he might be arrested,
he might be in some crazy man's basement,
or he might be with Miles. Hey, I don't know.
All I know is that I am not him.
You were doing so good.
What the heck happened?
You said I could go back to Palm Beach.
I want to go now. I'm not Eddie.
You know what? Today is not the day.
And, quite frankly, I don't care who you are.
Just act like a professional,
do your job, finish the day,
and then maybe I'll think
about taking you to Palm Beach.
- You said that yesterday, you liar!
- First team!
Look, they all love you today.
Just give them what they want.
Maybe you'll still have a career.
- What the... Eddie!
- Can we get Eddie on set, please?
- Take him away.
- Eddie, what the heck is this message?
I don't know. I gotta go on set.
- I'll talk to you later.
- No, Eddie, wait!
- Good afternoon, gentlemen.
- Yeah, hi.
- We want to go to a movie set.
- Which one?
Actually, we're extras
on the Eddie Tudor project.
They didn't tell us
where we're supposed to report.
- Spy Teen III?
- That's it.
Has there been a kid claiming
to be Eddie Tudor
trying to sneak in here, yet?
No, sir, not yet.
- Section 3, gentlemen.
- Oh, thank you.
Hey. I'm with those guys.
You must be pretending to be Eddie Tudor.
- Section 3.
- Thanks.
Now, Eddie, big, big scene, okay?
This is it. I don't have a lot of time.
I need you to get this in one, maybe two
for me, okay? Can you do that?
- Yeah, I...
- Great, buddy. Let's go! Let's get this.
Okay, look. I talked it over with Charles,
and he said if you want to do two front flips,
it's fine.
But the tumble has to be sped up.
The timing has to be right
or it won't look real, okay?
I will not compromise timing.
You have a problem with this,
you can talk to your director.
Honestly, I've been with you
since you were five, doing stunts.
What is the problem, all of a sudden?
Okay, okay. Relax, relax.
We've got a sequence to shoot.
Now, are you set on two flips?
Okay, then, it's settled.
Just speed up the tumble.
Can you speed up the tumble?
- Yeah, speed up the rumble. Got it.
- Tumble. Tumble.
He's not ready.
We have professional stuntmen to do this.
- Why you don't do that? That's crazy.
- Okay. Relax, relax.
Okay, remember,
Evil Darkness will hurl you through the air
at top speed.
You'll land into the tumble,
and at twice the timing,
catapult yourself into two front flips,
which I think is egregious, but it's fine.
Bounce back to your feet. Big finish.
Jump into the racecar and drive away, huh?
Should be lovely.
You ready for rehearsal?
Rehearsal's up!
I don't think, I mean...
Well, I am thinking about it, but...
Get out of my way!
- Hey!
- Stop, you punk!
Oh, thank God.
- Tom?
- Pop?
- Mom!
- Eddie?
- Julia?
- Miles.
Oh, my God.
I'm Harlin now.
- Mom?
- Then who are you?
I tried to tell you. I'm Tom Canty.
You're dead!
Wait, wait. Come back here.
Hey! We've got a scene to shoot.
- You took my identity.
- They switched locations.
I got kidnapped by your creepy grandpa.
And I got yelled at by your mom a lot.
Oh, my God. Eddie!
Eddie! Come here. Eddie! Eddie!
I mean, Eddie. Eddie!
- I mean... Eddie.
- Mom.
I didn't know that that wasn't you.
- That's horrible!
- I know.
I am so sorry.
- I am so sorry. I am...
- Okay, listen.
- I have to tell you something.
- What?
I know you push me hard
because you love me.
Yes, baby. It's because I love you.
Because I love you.
- I missed you, Jerry.
- Oh, I missed you, too, Eddie.
Tom? Wait a minute. Are you Tom?
Yeah, Pop. It's me.
- Why isn't that you?
- It's a long story.
- I don't get it.
- I'll tell you everything later.
- Hey, Miles.
- Hey, Tom.
- You really did it this time, huh?
- I know.
- I love you, kid. I love you.
- I'm proud of you, buddy.
So you're... You're Eddie, he's not.
Look, I just need someone
to shoot this scene. So let's get on with it.
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay. Go get them, tiger!
Go get them, baby.
Now, that's what I call a family.
- I had no idea you had a son, Julia.
- My name's Harlin.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is...
You know, when I...
When I left town, I didn't...
- I didn't...
- Miles, don't.
- Really, I'm not looking for an explanation.
- No.
It was because of me.
Because I was no good for either of us.
Eddie's a great kid. Talented, too.
I got to know him a little bit
when I thought he was Tom.
Yeah, he's really dramatic.
Guess he gets that from me, huh?
Yeah, those crazy kids. He's your son.
- What?
- What?
I didn't tell you because I just figured
you really wouldn't care.
I mean, you left, so...
Well, that might have been
valuable information for me to have.
I might have stayed.
Yeah, well, now you know.
I owe you a big apology,
you little actor, you.
- I tried to tell you.
- You really did.
He really did try to tell me.
But now at least I know why you were
so anxious to get back to Palm Beach.
So listen, I've been thinking.
- You are a real natural.
- Oh, thanks.
The kid's got talent. Did you know that?
And I've been thinking.
This production company's gonna do
a remake of Prince and the Pauper,
Mark Twain's,
and they were going to use a set of twins,
but I don't know about you, but I think
Tom and Eddie would be fantastic.
And let's face it, they fooled us.
Yeah, I guess they did.
So you want to do something like that?
I mean, act in a real film?
Hey, I'm good at it.
You could be good at anything, Thomas.
I want to know if it's what you want to do,
you know? And even if it's hard.
- No more landscaping?
- No more landscaping.
I want to be in the movies.
Okay. Then...
Let's do it.
- Oh, thank you, Pop! Thank you so much!
- You bet, kid. You bet.
- Thank you, Jerry.
- Oh, Tom.
- You having fun?
- Yeah.
I'm actually glad to be back.
Sorry I took your car.
Sorry I didn't believe you.
Don't worry. I will pay you back
for the bail and that stuff.
You don't worry about that. Really.
Oh, you know, you're a lot younger
than I was when I first started doing this.
You know what the hardest lesson
I ever learned was?
Be gracious. Treat people with respect.
Do you do that?
I will now.
That's good.
That's good.
Thou lookest tired and hungry.
What is thy name?
Tom Canty, and it pleases thee, sir.
- Where dost live?
- Offal Court.
Come with me.
And cut!
That was great, guys.
- That's a print.
- Beautiful, beautiful guys.
So the apple doesn't fall too far
from the tree, does it?
No, I guess not.
- That was a great job, Tom.
- Thanks.
Yeah, you too, pig head.
Thanks for noticing, snot nose.
Just kidding.
Okay. Who wants what?
- All right. I'll see you later.
- I want a hamburger.
I'll take a veggie dog.
One hamburger, one veggie dog.
Coming up.
- A what?
- A veggie dog.
A veggie dog? What's a veggie dog?
You know,
a hot dog made out of vegetables.
You're weird.
- L.A. Is pretty nice, huh?
- Yeah, it's really hot.
- And it's not humid like it is out in Florida.
- Get used to it.
I do miss my lawn chair.
- I bet you do.
- Sometimes.
- So what do you guys want to do today?
- You got a football?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, let's play some football.
All right, show me what you got.
You will love this.
It's simple and beautiful, okay?
First, the right.
He comes back, and then gauche.
And now, pice de rsistance.
I don't know. Give me some...
Jazz it up a little bit.
Jazz, jazz. What is this? Dance?
How about this?
No, no, I don't know. Weak.
It's weak. Hit him again.
What about that?
- No.
- No.
You're not hitting him hard enough. Hit him!
Show me something!
It's nothing. It's nothing!
What if he's not Hubert?