A Serial Killer's Guide to Life (2019) Movie Script

'Marsha, a lot
of people ask me that.'
A lot of people say,
"Chuck, how can I be like you?"
Well, first thing you gotta do,
you gotta read the book.
You know what I mean?
You gotta read the book,
you gotta listen to the CDs,
you gotta watch the web,
you gotta find out who I am.
You want to be like me?
You gotta think like me.
You gotta act like me.
You gotta breathe like me.
That's what I always say.
And for me,
you know the real secret?
It's be yourself.
Be me, then be yourself.
Cos ultimately, I'm Chuck Knoah,
only I can be Chuck Knoah.
You can be like me,
you can't be me.
But you can be like me.
'Visualize the future you want.
'Visualize you becoming
that person.
'Living through them.
'Taking a step in the body
of the new you.
'This is who you can be.
'Believe in the power of you.
'The newer, stronger,
fitter, wealthier,
'more successful you...'
Watch where
you're fucking going.
'...the couple
were found on the beach
'early this morning
in the High Cliffs area...'
Well. I suppose I'll have
to get dinner myself, then.
No, no, I'll get it.
You stay there.
'...injuries are
consistent with a high fall,
'and are not treating
the incident as suspicious.'
Thank you Lord for what
we are about to eat,
and for what we enjoy.
- How was the shop today?
- Fine.
Betty Smith's mother says
she's a lawyer now.
- Good for Betty Smith.
- Yes, and her mother too.
'Believe in the power of you.'
I believe in the power of me.
Look at me.
Once upon a time, guys,
I was like you.
Lost, empty...
But using the "Barry Withnott
Pathway To Success",
look at where I am today.
Are you looking for happiness?
I know you are.
Are you looking for power?
Are you looking for success?
Then I can help you
with the "Barry Withnott
Pathway To Success".
I've got even better news
for you,
for today for one day only,
I'm offering every one of you
in this room
12.5% off any Barry Withnott
DVD, CD, book or e-book...
the only destination
is a better you!
Thank you.
I wouldn't follow him
down any pathway.
He looks like a greased-up pedo.
Oh... I dunno.
He looks alright to me.
That's because you're like
everybody else.
Er... I don't think
you can smoke in here.
Does it make you embarrassed,
hearing the truth?
'This is who you can be.'
Excuse me.
Look at all these retards.
Excuse me.
Here, take this.
You're going to need it.
- Excuse me?
- What?
You can't smoke in here.
I'm leaving anyway.
Come see me,
if you want to change your life.
Unlike all these... bags of air.
I'm so sorry.
I think you should leave.
'Visualize the future you want.
'Visualize it all.
'Visualize you becoming
that person.
'Living through them.
'Taking a step in the body
of the new you.
'This is who you can be.
'Step One.
'When you give yourself over
to possibility,
'anything can and will happen.'
- Yes?
- Er...
- Oh, it's you.
- Yep. Yes.
Wait here one second. I'm just
in the middle of something.
So you want to come in
for a little chat or what?
Sit down, then.
- Ignore the mess.
- Erm... OK.
I've been so busy with research
for my new program,
I've barely had time
for anything else.
I suppose you're wondering
what my program's about?
Oh, yeah, yes, sure.
It's sort of a secret, really.
Oh, of course.
This is my last trip
before it launches.
I wanna share a secret
with you, Lou.
I have an ambition.
Oh, erm... thanks.
I have an ambition to be
the greatest life coach
in the world.
I want to help people
To have books
on every continent,
so that babies in Sudan
can read my tips on life
and grow up to unlock
their true potential.
That's all I really want
for them, to be their potential.
Well, that sounds
a really important ambition.
Yeah, I think so.
Do you have ambitions, Lou?
Yeah, yeah.
Like... I want to go
kite-surfing in the Caribbean.
And... I'd like
to have lots of money,
so that I can help people.
Like maybe babies in
the Swiss-dan, like you said.
And have my own range of books,
like you, too.
Yeah, I'd just like
to be like you, really.
- Good ambitions.
- Yeah?
Thanks for dropping by.
I don't suppose you know anyone
who might be interested
in coming with me on my trip?
Someone who could really
blossom with the right coaching?
Someone with big dreams,
but no one else around
who understands those dreams,
or something similar?
Well, I'm leaving
in the morning,
so let me know
if you think of anyone.
- Mum?
- Yes, dear?
What would you think about me
going away for a few days?
To explore myself?
What does that mean?
I don't know,
just to release the inner me,
connect to my potential.
It... it's a bad idea,
it doesn't matter.
Is this house not good enough
for you anymore?
It really is.
It doesn't matter.
Is this food not good enough
for you anymore?
Mum, it is.
It's all this self-help
nonsense, isn't it?
Filling your mind.
Turning you against me.
Look what you make
your own mother do to survive!
To beg?
Is that what you want?
Do you want me
to beg you to stay, Lou?
Is that what you want
to make your mother do?
'You're through to Val Stone,
if you want to change your life,
'leave a message
after the tone.'
Bye, Mum.
- Hello, Louise!
- Alright?
Just taking little Monty
for a walk before we leave.
We're off on a bit
of a holiday for the week.
Blow off the cobwebs
of coming back here, you know?
- Right.
- Well...
Best of luck with your
self-improvement and everything.
Bye. Come on.
'You're through to Val Stone,
if you want to change your life,
'leave a message
after the tone.'
- Let's do this.
- Get in.
Let the voyage
of self-discovery begin.
'Step Two.
'Believe in the power of you
'as I believe
in the power of me.'
- Can you read a map?
- Er...
We've got a busy few days.
I've lined up
some amazing therapies.
Before we culminate there.
Where's that?
Chuck Knoah's country house.
We're going to see Chuck.
Er... really?
This is the best decision
you've ever made.
I know.
I was talking to myself.
Have you got any cash?
All paid for.
Oh, OK. But...
Are you OK?
Yeah, of course, why?
Oh, it's just...
you've got a... bit of...
Oh! Yes, must've caught a nail.
Next stop: inner serenity.
'The body
of a missing woman was found
'near a caravan park
late yesterday,
'in what police are describing
as suspicious circumstances.
'She is thought to have been
self-help advocate...'
Here we are.
Breathe in the fresh air.
I feel better already.
Ah, and here's two more.
Er... you must be...
- Val.
- Right. And this is?
Lou. She's an add-on.
Er... shouldn't really
just turn up with add-ons
without booking first,
but you're here now, never mind.
We'll settle up later.
Here's Graham now too.
Fantastic! Let's get started.
Welcome to nature therapy.
I'm Ben, your group leader.
If we could do a quick
introduction round the circle?
I'm Graham.
- This is Izzy.
- And this is Ralph.
And this is Lou and Val,
as we've just heard.
Let's give them a "first time
to nature therapy" welcome!
- Welcome!
Now, I recognize
some of you from before,
but for the newbies,
this area here will be
our home for tonight,
whilst we reconnect
with Pachamama.
So, without further ado,
grab a tent,
let's get cracking and...
Get in touch with nature!
We're a bit short on mallets.
The best thing to do in nature
is improvise.
Use what's around us as tools.
Like our ancestors did
all those years ago.
Like this?
Ow! Fuck!
Ow! Jesus!
My finger... Jesus!
Breathe deep, breathe deep.
- Hi!
- Hi...
So your new to
'In Touch With Nature With Ben'?
- Yeah, it's my first time.
- Oh. He really is a genius.
I love your hair.
Oh, thanks!
I love your... just... you!
Well, thanks.
Oh! Thank you.
- OK, bye.
- Bye.
- Thank you.
- OK, thanks!
Now that our homes are ready,
let's take a moment of peace,
before we begin
our true journey into nature.
Ah, Graham what
I have in store for you...
Out here in the natural world,
we do not collect our meals
in plastic containers
from florescent-lit buildings
we call shops!
- We must catch what we eat...
- She seems nice.
And eat what we catch.
Yep. Very.
What are they doing?
- It's called a nature shower.
- Oh...
We take in every pulse of life
from the earth from these trees.
From all living things.
Experience each beat,
every vibration,
and connect
to a serenity within.
Try it.
Close your eyes.
And connect to inner peace.
Nature has given.
We give thanks
for what we are about to eat.
Now... we are one with nature.
Dandelion wine from Graham's
organic home brewery.
So, er... what brings you both
to nature therapy?
Well, I'm with Val.
We're on a journey
of self-discovery.
- And, well, she's sort of my...
- I'm her life coach.
Are you? Wow!
I would love a life coach.
So you said that you'd not done
forest bathing before with Ben?
I've done something similar
but it's good to reconnect
with nature.
This is our fourth time here,
and we love it, don't we?
Oh, yeah, we just love it.
We find it such a wonderful way
to reconnect with
our true selves, you know?
Our true ancestral selves.
Yes, right back inside yourself.
Nature is...
- It's everything.
- Everything!
So, what do you both do?
- Well, Ralph is in IT.
- Izzy's in HR.
Sorry to interrupt there,
Ralph. My ears are burning.
We were just saying
what a genius you are.
Well... what can I say?
I just...
work with what I've got.
Anyway, we've got
a lovely treat this evening,
well, Graham does.
A little surprise for us.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
That was lovely.
Come on!
Time to get moving.
Lots more to fit in.
It's a shame I can't get
a chance to say goodbye.
It's just... how it is.
Get in.
- Izzy gave me her number.
- That's nice.
I've never made a friend
like that before.
Thanks, Val.
I feel wonderful.
Me too, Lou.
Me too.
Step three. Life is
like a box of chocolates.
'All the crappy ones
get left behind.'
Hi, Mum, it's Lou.
I just wanted you to know
I'm having a great time,
everyone's really friendly
and nice.
And I'm really enjoying
not having to cook.
Anyway... I hope you're good.
Er... lots of love.
Oh, it's Louise, by the way.
- OK?
- Yeah.
I've just never been
away from home before.
- Do you think she's alright?
- Yeah. Course she is.
Come on, let's get going.
We've got a fair few miles
to go.
I've been thinking...
Maybe we should take
a detour back home,
just to check Mum's alright?
- Ow!
- Does that make you angry?
No... no.
- Ow! What are you doing?
- Do you believe in you?
Yeah. Ow!
I don't believe you.
Say it again.
- Yes. Ow!
- Again.
- Yes!
- Again.
- Yes!
- Again.
Yes! Yes!
Do you trust me?
And honestly, I'm sure
your Mum is absolutely fine.
Now wait here. I just need
to get rid of something.
All done.
- What's this place do?
- - Sound therapy.
Apparently, it's a very calming
and centering experience.
So, this is your room.
I hope it's
to your satisfaction.
- Yeah, great, thanks.
- Good. Good.
Your sound journey
will begin at 4:00.
Until then,
just relax and unwind.
And if you do need anything,
please don't hesitate to call.
OK? Great.
Namaste. Namaste.
He seemed nice.
Everything around us is
made of structured vibrations.
Including the human form.
Now these sounds will resonate
with those vibrations
within the body,
unlocking unlimited
These high frequencies stimulate
the brain and the body.
Now let go
of your stagnant energy.
And all together.
- Some more wine, Lou?
- I'm OK, I've had enough.
So, Val was saying
you're planning
on some pretty big
on this little pilgrimage
of self-discovery?
- Sounds enlightening.
- Yeah, yes, it is. Very.
You've got
a good friend there, Lou.
Not many people
would put so much effort
into planning a trip for a pal.
I hope you know
how lucky you are?
Oh, I do. I really do.
And Val, tell me what did you
think of the interconnectivity
of the sound-scaping earlier?
Wasn't it, Lou?
I could feel
an inter-sound connection.
I felt your sonic pathways
really opening up.
- Really?
- - Mmm.
Oh, please, don't worry,
we've simply put
a herbal relaxer in the wine.
We find it really loosens
things up ready for stage 2.
- Stage 2?
- Yeah...
It's a much deeper
vibrating experience.
Using the energy of sound,
to unlock the magnetic
orgasmic pulse.
Let your mind go free.
And join us.
'Open yourselves like a flower
'to the realm of sensual,
sonic possibilities.'
Let the journey
of discovery begin!
Sleep well?
- Yeah.
- How do you feel?
Good. Yeah.
Really kind of...
yeah... connected.
Good morning. Sleep well?
Great, great, great.
Erm, would you like
tuna or egg sandwiches
to take away with you for later?
It's alright, I'll put
you down for one of each.
Don't tell anyone.
We should get going.
Hmm. Yep.
I'll settle up.
Thanks so much
for your hospitality.
- We're going to make a move.
- Don't forget your lunch.
Good luck with the rest
of your trip.
I hope you're feeling enlivened.
Where's Marcus?
He popped out front. He wants
to show you his pride and joy.
'...red car driven
by a dark-haired woman
'with the registration
starting T48.
'The driver's wanted
in connection
- 'with a string of murders...'
I'm really sorry, Rachel.
We had such a lovely time.
Look, if they, er...
Don't worry, Marcus,
it won't take a second.
All ready to go! I got
your stuff too. So we can...
Did you get my shampoo?
I left it on the side.
Yep. Yes.
We'll talk more
about this later.
Help! Help!
Call the police!
Please call the p...
I couldn't have done it
better myself.
Let's not forget
those sandwiches.
Those are the egg.
Those are the tuna.
Step 4.
An end is only a new beginning.
'Police are on the hunt
for a woman in her 30s,
'with dark hair,
sought in connection
'with what is being dubbed
the self-help killings.
'The woman is considered
armed and dangerous.
'More as we get it.
And now the weather.
'Sure, it's a lovely day out
there today, isn't it, Jeff?'
'Yes, indeed, Sue.
It really is.
'And things will only
actually get warmer
'with a warm weather front
sliding in from the west
'coming through to the east
and moving on down the coast.
'It's set to be
quite uncomfortable...
- Pull over.
- Why?
Just pull over!
- Where are you...?
- Aargh!
Oh, for fuck's sake.
I didn't know!
It's all I'm doing, Lou.
That's what all this is for.
To allow us to be
who we truly are.
You've been thinking about
everyone else your whole life.
Now it's time
to think about you.
Do it!
Kill me.
It did feel pretty empowering,
you know?
You did pretty good
for your first time.
Did I?
You're the best life coach ever,
I think you might be
the best client, Lou.
'Hey, Mum, it's Lou.'
'I'm just checking you got
my message the other day?
'I guess maybe you've gone
to see your sister.
'You know how you get sometimes?
'There's something
you should know...
'...about me.
'And because you'll probably
see it on the news soon.
'I'm not who you think I am.
'But, you know,
I hope you'll be proud of me.
'I'm not a nobody anymore.'
I can't wait any longer.
I've gotta go for a pee.
Back in a minute.
- Do you need any help?
- I'm good, thanks.
Oh, excuse me, I'm just...
Is that... is that Louise?
Where've you been?
- We have to go, now!
- What's going on?
We just... we just have to go.
She just came over my head...
How much further
to the next stop?
- Not far. Why?
- No reason.
Are you coming or what?
Welcome to Cynthia's
sense-of-self course.
I'd like to offer you
my deepest gratitude
for choosing to go
on this journey with me.
My task is to guide you
back in time
to the moment
you began your journey
through your mother's
birth canal
and out into the world
for the very first time.
Together we will return
to that moment.
Relive its intense,
painful traumas
that have haunted you
from that time,
allowing them freedom through
your body and your voice.
First we will begin by opening
your body and your voice,
so you do not sustain
any physical injuries
during the process of unlocking
these deep-rooted scars.
find a comfortable position.
Have you done this before?
It really is
the best thing ever.
You have lovely eyes.
Now... close your eyes.
And bring your attention
to your breath.
Soften your gaze.
And let the journey re-begin.
And breathing in.
And out.
And in.
And out.
And counting down from...
ten, nine, eight,
seven, six, five,
four, three, two, one, and...
'You are back.
'Back in the warm sac
of your pre-birth fluid.
'Calm, undisturbed, comfortable.
'Nothing can harm you here.
'Nothing can touch you.
'But wait...
'Suddenly your warm fluid bath
is disappearing,
'draining from you.'
Panic begins to set in.
The walls of your home
are beginning to move.
'You are being squeezed.
'Forced down a tiny passageway,
crushed on either side.
'It makes you scream out.
'And you're screaming now.'
Come on, scream!
Let it out, Lou.
Face who you are.
Let it out.
Let it out.
We are with you.
We are with you.
We are with you.
I'm waiting for you, Lou.
I've always been waiting
for you.
Step 5.
The anything
can and will happen.
What's going on?
You had a reaction
to the re-birthing.
It's a good sign.
You're ready to meet Chuck.
- What?
- We've got to keep moving.
Wait here.
He's not here.
Please, Gary,
this is my last chance to...
Look, please just tell them
to give me one more week
to come up with it.
Seriously, I can't.
How long have we known
each other?
Yep, I know it's just business,
so if it's just business,
give me a fucking break!
Well, fuck you, Gary!
And fuck Mary!
And fuck your fucking kids!
Lucy? It's daddy.
Could you put your mum
on the phone, please?
Em, it's me, Chuck.
Look, I have to talk to you...
Yeah, I know what
the lawyers said. I just...
I gotta speak with my wife.
No, don't hang up.
Please don't hang...
'You are
your own force of nature.
'You are your own wind,
your own tree, your own waves.
'You can be anything
you want to be.
'You are the future of you.
'The end is the beginning
of the beginning.
'When you give yourself
over to possibility,
'the anything
can and will happen.
'With this,
you can take on the world.'
Step 6.
Unlock what is hidden within
and you may like what you find.
Am I dead?
Aargh... my head!
Are you always like this?
I'm in the middle of a divorce.
The publishers are dropping me
because I can't think
of a new book.
I'm pretty much addicted
to a lot of drugs!
And I'm going bankrupt
because when it comes to it,
it turns out
visualizing is worth shit
compared to a fucking
well-paid lawyer.
Anyway who the fuck are you and
what are you doing in my house?
Don't you watch the news?
Jesus, you're...
Fuck! You're the fucking...
- Where's Val?
- You're them! It's you!
You stay there.
- Val?
- Yes.
What's going on?
She's got a gun.
Please help me, I'm scared.
You're too late.
I'll do my best.
Thank you, officer.
What's going on?
It's time.
You don't need to kill me.
Seriously, you need me.
You're in the middle of a full
on media clusterfuck right now.
You're famous.
You know what that publicity's
worth with the right contacts?
The news outlets, you're the
number one point of interest
in their shitty little lives
right now.
Seriously. Look, let me get
my agent on the phone.
This is exactly the angle
the publishers are looking for.
It's big, it's bold, it'll sell.
I'm talking book deals,
seminars, webinars,
the whole lot.
Everyone'll wanna know
how to be like you.
Speak with my agent.
He'll make us a deal right now.
It's ringing!
Hey, Gary, it's me again, Chuck.
Before you hang up,
I've got an offer
that's gonna blow your mind.
Turn on the TV.
I'm with the girls.
We wanna make a deal.
You're gonna make so much money.
Yeah, seriously, it's happening.
I've got a gun to me right now.
Yeah, I know, crazy, right?
Well, let's say 70/30 to us?
Hold on, let me see...
He says if we go 60/40, he's in.
What do you say, we got a deal?
I'm sorry, Gary, Chuck's going
to have to call you back.
Nice! Playing hardball,
I like your style...
God, he was even more annoying
in real life.
Yeah. What a letdown.
Nowhere else to run.
Why'd you do it, Val?
We could've just kept on going!
It was time.
We're an evolution of people.
We're the ones
who tell others how to live.
We're the new gods.
We can't run forever.
I've had a fantastic time.
Me too.
What're you doing?
It's time to say goodbye.
You're the best
life coach ever, Val.
Yeah... I know.
What a journey.
You can say that again.
'Visualize the future you want.'
Where's Val?
you becoming that person.
'Living through them,
'taking a step in the body
of the new you.'
'The new, stronger, fitter,
more successful you.'
The only thing I would say is:
be true to yourself.
Love yourself.
If I can have a little part
in that, in their future lives,
then that's great.
Because for me, I get joy,
I get love, I get happiness
out of seeing others succeed.
For me, that's my journey.
I'm Chuck, I'm here to help.
And if you wanna think of me
as your god, your guru,
go ahead, that's fine.
But think about it for a second.
Wouldn't it be better,
wouldn't it be
more life-changing,
if you thought of me
as a friend?
Read the book, listen to the CD,
you'll realize I'm your friend,
I'm your best friend,
I'm here to help you.
And that's the only way
we can all get what we want.