Abbott and Costello Go to Mars (1953) Movie Script

After you finish flying
thejet ship for the children,
bring them back
to the orphanage.
Then cut the lawn and water the
plants. All right, Miss Pliny.
All right, gang.
Keep your eye on the jet plane.
Orville, do you know
how a jet works?
Of course! I know how a jet plane
works and rocket ships and spaceships.
How does
a spaceship work?
Sure. A spaceship?
A spaceship.
First, you've got to have
a lot of space. And then...
You want me to learn you
how to spin a top?
How does
a spaceship work?
Spaceship. All you do is
pull a string and away it goes!
Nonsense! Anyone who
has studied nuclear physics...
knows its engine operates
according to thermodynamic laws,
using a working fluid ofliquid
hydrogen as a propellant.
This is accelerated and
expelled by a nuclear reactor,
enriched largely by the use
of a fissible U-235 isotope,
giving the necessary thrust
to the interplanetary mission.
Do we make
ourselves clear?
Sure. Just like I said, pull a string
and away it goes. Like that.
that's right around the corner...
Cheese it! The cop!
Oh, it's that
Orville again!
A spaceship!
How'd you get here?
I sneaked
into your truck.
What are you doing? I'm drawing pictures
of the spaceship, so I can show the gang.
The gang? A spy, huh?
What's your name? Orville.
Orville. Where're you from? The Hideaway.
The Hideaway! That does it! I'm
taking you to see Dr. Wilson. Come on!
May I see your
identification, please?
I am Dr. Orvilla.
I want to see Dr. Wilson.
Just a moment.
Dr. Wilson's office.
Miss Howe speaking.
Send him in, please.
Come in.
Beautiful, isn't it? I think
frightening's a better word.
Don't tell me you wouldn't like
to spend your honeymoon on Mars?
I'll settle for Niagara Falls.
Dr. Orvilla's on his way in.
I'm anxious to get the meeting
started. How about the newspapers?
They're still insistent on a press
release. Tell them we're not ready yet.
Will you stop
pushing me?
Push me once more,
I'm gonna haul off and...
Have you had enough? Come on!
Whoo! Whoo!
Where's the Doc? In the conference room.
Call him up. Tell him I caught a
spy. His name's Orville. Orville?
You mean Dr. Orvilla.
He isn't a spy.
Dr. Wilson's been waiting for you. For me?
He didn't want to start
the meeting without you, Doctor.
I'm, I'm no doctor.
I know.
You're listed in Who's Who
as a professor of aeronautical science.
Lester, tell Dr. Wilson
Dr. Orvilla's here.
All right, but someone's
making a terrible mistake.
Professor of
aeronautical science.
What makes a balloon go up? Hot air?
What's keeping you down? Ha-ha.
Hey, who are you?
I am Dr. Orvilla.
Oh, that's all right.
Uh, wait a minute!
For your information, I just left
Dr. Orville in Dr. Wilson's office.
For your information, Dr.
Orvilla standing right-a here!
Wait. I just left Dr. Orville.
He's short, fat and dumb.
I am Dr. Orvilla. The only
people is-a dumb is-a you.
We'll let Dr. Wilson decide
that. Come on. I walk-a by myself.
Dr. Wilson
will be right in.
There you are.
There's Dr. Orvilla! How dare you
tell-a the people you're Dr. Orvilla!
I didn't tell them.
They told me.
You told a big lie. I didn't
tell a lie. They told a lie.
I'm Orville.
See, Orville.
He don't even know
how to say the name.
The name is Orvilla. No, Orville!
Ma questo e'propio pazzo. You
mind hold-a this, please? No, sir.
The name is Orvilla.
I don't go for that kind
of stuff. Now cut it out.
My name is Orville. Che
ti possono mangiare.!
I'm-a gonna give you
a maccharone.!
The name is Orvilla!
You hold that. Cut it out
slapping me in the face.
My name is Orville. You
make-a me lose-a my temper!
The name is Orvilla!
Hold that. Now I'm gettin'
sick and tired of that stuff.
Let Dr. Wilson decide.
And the one who isn't Dr. Orvilla is
gonna go to jail for a long, long time.
I'm Orvilla. How can he be Orvilla?
He don't even-a speak-a like me.
I think I even-a speak-a
better-a than-a you.
No mock-a me.
Who's-a mockin' you?
Eee! Here, here, here, here!
None of that! None of that!
Dr. Orvilla! I don't know how
this happened, but I want to apologize.
Don't-cha mention it.
That's all right.
Take-a this impostor,
this impostor fazzule.!
Take him to jail.
Oh, no she don't.
Anyone she's-a gonna go to a-jail,
gonna be you. Don't-cha mock-a me.
I don't think we should put him
in jail. He hasn't done any harm.
He saw the spaceship. Oh, that's too bad.
Now that it's completed, I'd hate to have
the news leak out. I won't tell anyone.
We'd better keep you with us at least for
the time being. Lester'll take care of you.
I'll take care of him,
Doc. This way, Dr. Orvilla.
You little foreigner, you!
Oh, no, you don't!
Here I go again!
Good morning, gentlemen. Morning.
You all know Dr. Orvilla.
How do you do, Doctor.
Won't you
be seated, please.
I appreciate the fact that some of you
have traveled a great distance to be here.
And I'm very happy to say that
after years of research and effort,
our project has finally reached
a state of completion.
The spaceship
is ready to fly?
As Dr. Wilson-a say,
if it wasn't for the matter,
we'd put a few supplies on a-board,
she could-a be launch-a today.
The problems that confront us are choice
of destination and the selection of a crew.
Since all of us are eminently
qualified to be observers,
I suggest a crew be selected
by drawing lots.
Gentlemen, the moon is the closest
of all astronomical bodies.
But due to its proximity,
there's a wealth of detail visible
through powerful telescopes.
Within our fuel range are
the planets Venus and Mars.
One of these should be
our destination.
Each of you have before you
a sheet of paper...
on which you will write
the choice of your destination,
and a brief explanation of why
you've chosen this particular planet.
Orville, help me
unload the truck.
Why did you take a box from up
there? Well, this here one was closer.
Give me a hand!
Yes, sir.
Get on board!
Get on board!
All right! I'll hand you this box.
Go on,
get up there.
Here you are. Get ahold of it.
If there's anything else I want
you to do, I'll do it myself!
What happened
at the meeting?
We selected our crew. I suppose
you're among the lucky ones.
I built the ship, Janie.
And you wouldn't ask anyone to do
anything you wouldn't do yourself.
Where do we go
from here?
When are you going?
As soon as we get
all our supplies aboard.
What are they,
football uniforms?
Certainly not.
They're space suits.
Hey, Les, don't I look
like a piece of bubble gum?
Put that back. The doctor and
his crew are gonna need those...
when they get up where
there's no oxygen.
Put it up there.
Didn't I tell you not to wear
those helmets? Now, take it off!
Soon as my back is turned,
you put 'em on.
Now, you're a fine friend.
You won't let me put it
on, but you put it on. Aah!
Stow away those boots!
Stow away those boots!
Go on!
Baffled, eh? Yeah. Those shoes are heavy.
Well, certainly. The gravity plates
on those boots are magnetized. Oh!
Now, stow them away.
Now, stow them away.
Stow them away!
I told you to
stow those boots away.
I thought you said
throw them away.
Eeep! Ooh. My head! Now, come here.
Oh, Dr. Wilson.
Let me help you.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
How's it going, Lester? Everything's
loaded, Doc. Ready to take off.
Fine. Would you mind helping
me check the control panel?
Oh, sure.
Fuel. Fuel. Okay.
Oxygen. Oxygen. Okay.
Interplanetary communicator.
Excuse me.
Here comes the crew. I want to
bring them aboard for a final check.
Dr. Wilson, is there anything else
I can do? I'm afraid not, Orville.
This kind of work requires
a high I.Q. A what?
High I.Q.
Hi, I.Q. too.
Let me help you. That's
all right. Thank you.
This Dr. Wilson,
he's pretty good goin' up...
Ohh! Huh? What's the matter?
What's the mat...
Hey, Les. Oh, Les!
Uh-huh? What?
The doctor, he forgot
to check this one.
Get your hand
off there!
Dr. Wilson, look!
Don't touch
these switches!
Hey, the doctor
didn't check these.
What did you...
What did you touch?
Oh, Les!
This is disastrous! Come on-a
back. You no can-a do this!
What are you gonna do?
Contact Lester by shortwave...
and tell him how to land!
Hey, what happened?
Must've been. It's a lucky thing for
us you didn't press the right button.
You'd have launched us
into space!
We better get out of here
before something happens.
I don't wanna go
to the moon.
If I wanted green cheese,
I'd go to the delicatessen.
You're not going to the moon.
We're heading for Mars.
K-A-5-7-4-9 calling
Rocket Ship M-1.
Rocket Ship M-1,
come in. Over.
It's no use.
I don't suppose either of them knows how
to operate a radio. What'll happen to them?
Unless they accidentally enter
a gravitational sphere of another planet,
they may drift around in
space forever. How awful.
Calling Experimental Laboratory.
Calling Experimental Laboratory.
We're up in the air!
How do we get down?
Over where?
Calling Experimental
Laboratory. Come in. Over.
If you don't come in,
it's gonna be all over!
Come in!
Come in! Come in!
Right away!
Turn it.
Turn it!
Will you get
in that seat?
K-A-5-7-4-9 calling
Rocket Ship M-1.
Rocket Ship M-1,
come in. Over.
Calling Experimental Laboratory.
Calling Experimental Laboratory.
Get me down, will ya?
I want to collect my Social Security.
You can't collect Social
Security until you're 65.
I just aged 30 years.
I'm a nervous...
Hey, Les, look.
Look, Les.
Th-Th-The thing is broken.
I'm gonna get outta here. I'm
trying to find how to operate...
Turn it!
Here we go again!
- Gimme 50 cents.
- What for?
We're goin' through
the Lincoln Tunnel.
Jenkins is really hot today.
What's with you?
Just saw a rocket ship come
out of the Lincoln Tunnel.
you've had enough!
We interrupt the ball game
to announce that a rocket ship...
just flew through
the Lincoln Tunnel.
Hey, you. The next time you come so
close to the ground, I'm gonna get out.
Ladies and gentlemen, our mayor has asked
that we all remain calm in this emergency.
Everything possible will
be done to protect you.
On orders from Washington,
the Commander of Strategic Defense...
has alerted
all branches of the service.
This is not the usual
flying saucer scare.
This unidentified aircraft
was seen by thousands...
as it flew through
the Lincoln Tunnel.
Hey, if they no careful,
they gonna have accident.
Anyone sighting
a strange aircraft,
phone your nearest branch
of Civilian Air Defense.
What are we gonna do now? We
either go to Mars or get shot down.
So, we'll go to Mars.
We'll go to Mars. Eh!
Hope she's expectin' me.
What am I sayin'?
Hear this. Hear this.
Attention all pilots.
Concentrate on air search.
Navy will cover
land and sea.
How you gonna know when
we hit Mars? How do I know?
The whole thing wouldn't have happened
if I don't push those buttons...
Don't touch 'em again!
What's this one for?
The unidentified aircraft,
which terrified New Yorkers,
is now definitely known to have landed
in an isolated region near New Orleans.
They're rushing the militia
to the location.
You'd better call Washington
and identify your ship.
What, and be made the laughingstock of the
world for letting nitwits steal my ship?
So far,
they no do no harm.
The excitement they have caused
may arouse our people from their lethargy...
and show them the need
for civilian defense.
Janie, get me plane reservations
for New Orleans.
Don't ever leave me alone. Orville,
do you realize we are the
first persons to land on Mars?
Hey. I hereby claim Mars in the name
of the United States of America.
Me too.
Grapes! Big grapes!
Hey, no!
Don't take that off.
Mars might be just like
the moon... no atmosphere.
Without oxygen, you could
drop dead. Here, turn around.
Just as I thought, you big dope. You
forgot to turn on your oxygen generator.
Hey, suppose my tank
gets empty.
Then you have donated your life
to the advancement of science.
No, sir. Not me.
I'm not gonna donate anything
I can't deduct from my income tax.
I don't hear no sound of them
prisons crews. Looks like we lost 'em.
I think we lost ourselves
doin' it.
Go find out what made
that noise. Uh-uh, you go.
Wait. Didn't you tell me
not to leave you alone? Yeah.
If I go, you'll be here
all alone.
That's right.
I never thought of that.
Aah! Aah!
What was it? A zebra without any tail.
Maybe Mars is only inhabited
by animals.
Let's look around. Go ahead. Take it easy.
What'd I see? Them guys are
dressed for the Mardi Gras.
They must've got loaded. They're
a long way from Canal Street.
I wish we was on Canal Street.
Maybe we could get some clothes.
Come on. We'll find some. I am with you.
What's that? If I didn't
see it with my own eyes,
I wouldn't believe it.
Well, what is it?
Are you kiddin'?
That's a spaceship.
Them guys weren't from the
Mardi Gras. They're from Mars.
What's Mars? Is that
near Hoboken? What's Mars?
Mars is a planet. The planet is the
thing that goes revolving around in space.
How'd it get up there? It all
depends on whether you subscribe...
to the Laplacian Theory of 1796 or whether
you subscribe to the Tidal Theory...
formulated by somebody
in 1919.
Gee, it must be wonderful
to have education.
Hey, you don't suppose they got
clothes on board we could steal, do you?
For the first time
since I know you,
you are showing a gleaming of
intelligence. I am with you.
Hey, I thought you told me
things on Mars was different.
Their houses are the
same as ours. Now, listen.
We've got to find the boss man.
Let him know who we are.
Go up there and find out
where he is. Go ahead.
Hey, you!
Take a look up there. What'd you find out?
Take a look.
Hey, there's a girl. Go over
and talk to her. Should I?
She won't hurt you. I'll
ask somebody else. Okay.
Good morning.
Oh, good morning.
Will you not join me
in a cup of coffee?
You speak English up here. Of
course, we all speak English.
your costume is wonderful.
Are you going to join us
in our party in honor of Rex?
Who's Rex?
Rex is king!
The king, he's the man I want to
see. There will be a big crowd.
But if I cannot see good,
I will raise my head higher... so!
If I cannot see that way,
I will turn my head
this way this way... so.
Jules! Jules!
Come quick!
A glass of wine!
He is faint.
Lester! Les! Hold on. What's the matter?
All right. Take it easy. What? Hey, Les?
You-You-You talk to that girl
there, and her head goes higher.
Talk to her again, and... zip... her
head goes sideways. That's ridiculous!
Nobody can do that with
their head. I saw it myself!
Drink of wine? It will
make you feel better.
Don't give him wine.
Makes his head go 'round.
Mine too!
Little man,
shall we dance?
You better go ahead
dance with her.
It'll promote our
diplomatic relations.
Why don't you dance with her? What,
and set our relations back fifty years?
Not, not...
I'll do my share.
Uh, may I have
this dance?
Be my guest.
No, thanks.
I don't care to dance with your
relations. I got my own over here.
Lester, I broke the girl
in half. Look!
Now you did
get us in trouble!
Let's get out of here!
Mugsy, we gotta
wear these suits?
This thing don't do
nothin' for my figure.
I would like to ask you
one, simple question:
How many states are you
wanted in? How many are there?
That's how many.
That just proves my point:
You ain't safe in this country.
You know what you're gonna do?
You're gonna leave it. What?
It's as simple as all that.
Where are we goin'?
We're gonna hijack this rocket
ship and make them take us to Mars.
Ain't there coppers up
there? Not that I read about.
I am with you. First of all, we
gotta get walking-around-town money.
Where're we gonna get it? We heist a bank!
In these clothes? Didn't
I tell you it's Mardi Gras?
All the citizens are walkin'
around in funny-looking costumes.
We just walk in and the cops
won't even give us a rumble!
What are we gonna use for rods?
This popgun isn't any good.
Here. Get a load of this.
Did I do that? Sure! It's a ray gun.
It shoots paralysis rays.
You hit a fink with them and you
stiffen 'em out like a plank momentarily.
Later on he's all right again.
Flash Gordon
uses one of them.
Yeah? What mob does he run
with? He ain't with no mob!
You see him in the
comic strips all the time.
Oh! Come on. Let's put on our helmets.
We want to be back here
before them Martians return.
Listen, you're in a strange
country, so watch your step.
Look around.
I can always...
What's the matter?
I'm stuck.
I told you those shoes
were magnetized!
Come on, get up.
Get up!
Pick it up!
Allow me.
Ahh! Ooh!
Can I help you, sir? This is a
stickup. Hand over all big bills.
For a minute I thought you
were serious. But I am serious.
Start sackin' up the loot. My dear fellow,
if you think you can frighten
me with a toy pistol...
Don't give us no trouble. Guard!
Okay, Harry, let's get the cash.
This is all we can carry.
Let's get goin'.
Thanks, pal.
Looks quiet enough
to me.
They must be having
their afternoon siesta.
Hey, Grogan,
what happened?
He's stiffer
than a new boot!
And he don't even drink!
What happened to them?
Find out.
What happened to you, buddy?
Police! P-P-Police!
What happened here?
We-We-We-We... We was invaded!
Invaded by who?
By two men from Mars...
with space suits and everything,
just like you see in the funny paper.
If you don't believe me,
ask Mr. Lucas.
What happened to you, Miss
Frances? Is y'all all right?
Mr. Lucas.
Wha... Wha...
What happened?
What's this about
two men from Mars?
The bank was held up by
two men in space suits.
If you'll call headquarters,
I can give a good description.
Gimme police headquarters.
Hello, headquarters,
Hartman reporting.
The State Bank was held up by two
men from Mars wearing space suits.
No, I'm not talking from a bar.
I'm in the bank.
Okay, I got it all down,
but I don't believe it.
Men from Mars in space suits.
Say, was there anyone hurt?
Was anybody hurt?
No. They shot us all
with ray guns.
Please, mister,
I can't tell him that!
That's exactly what happened and
it should be reported at once!
- Everybody was shot with a ray gun.
- Ray gun!
Get outta that barroom, you
gin-guzzling, whiskey-swiggin' rum hound!
Hey, now that we're here, how am I
gonna eat with this fishbowl on my head?
The Limburger
is excellent today.
That's just what I like!
Oh, waiter! Have you
got atmosphere here?
If it is on the menu, we have it. No.
Is the air here
the same as on Earth?
Our air is the same as anyplace
in the country. I get a menu.
Well, go ahead and take the
helmet off. Let's see what happens.
Hey, th-th-that's
strong atmosphere around here.
Are you sure we didn't
land on the moon?
Certainly not. Didn't you say
the moon was made of green cheese?
This is no rose garden I smell. Oh.
Ignore the atmosphere. We don't
want to antagonize these Martians.
Take off your helmet. We've got to eat. No.
Take it off!
How was the Limburger,
sir? Oh, it was excellent!
Oh, thank you.
Here you are, gentlemen. Our food is
out of this world! So is the atmosphere.
Give me one of your native dishes
and a little wine. What will you have?
Bring me some chlorophyll.
What kind of wine? A small bottle
of Moselle, Bordeaux or Chambertin?
- What would you like to have me open?
- Open the window!
The window!
How do you like this one? It,
uh... It doesn't do enough for you.
It doesn't have enough "chick,"
like they say in French.
That's what you get for tryin' to peddle
merchandise what's got no "chick. "
Hey, I like this one.
Now you got some class!
You look like
the warden!
That's the nicest thing
you said to me all day.
Well, let us get the loot and be
on our merry way. I am with you.
This year's attendance has broken all
Mardi Gras records. The Crescent City...
Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt this program
for a bulletin from the police department.
Two men believed by police to be the inter-space
travelers who created such havoc in New York,
and for whom
the militia is searchin',
are spreadin' a reign of terror
in the city streets.
Accordin' to the police, these men
are dressed in green pressure suits...
and are wearin'
transparent helmets.
I'll repeat the description. These men
are dressed in green pressure suits...
and are wearin'
transparent plastic helmets.
All police officers are under
orders to shoot on sight.
they should be easy to find.
If they're wearin' green suits
like this and a helmet... Aah!
Hey, that's us! You are the bank robbers!
Hey, wait! That's it, Orville. Hold
him. I'll meet you at the spaceship.
Hold him. Lester!
Hold him.
Help! Police!
Police! Help!
With all the militia busy
searchin' for their spaceship,
and our police force unable to cope
with the crowds here for the Mardi Gras,
our mayor has asked that citizens
join in a house-to-house search.
We'll run 'em down! They oughta be in jail!
What are we waitin'for?
Let's look for 'em.!
Is there anything wrong,
We're getting up a posse to
run down those guys from Mars.
They held up a bank and a clothing
store. My, my. Harry. Imagine that.
Men breaking the law.
Yeah, that is disgusting.
You'd better get off the streets.
I concur. A splendid suggestion.
I think we should get out
of town. I am with you.
It beats me. The minute we got the call
those guys were in the La Parisienne Caf,
we surrounded the block,
and yet they disappeared.
Hey, you!
Have you seen two guys dressed
in suits like they were from Mars?
- You mean, with green space suits and plastic helmets?
- That's them!
Sorry, didn't see 'em.
How did he know they had
green space suits? Come on!
Come on. Let's get back to the spaceship. Boy,
Am I glad to get away from those Mars people.
Hey, it's a good thing
there was no water in there.
All right.
No trace of them yet.
I can't understand why the militia has been
unable to locate that rocket ship of mine.
It's possible your ship landed in one of the
bayous and is completely submerged in water.
Those criminals must've been
lucky enough to escape.
I can't picture Lester or Orville in the
role of a desperate criminal. Nor can I.
Lester's worked for me faithfully for
five years. And I checked on Orville.
He had a good record at the asylum... orphan
asylum. Orville came from there two days ago.
Isn't a kid out of the orphanage two days
a little young to be flying a rocket ship?
- Oh, Orville's 38.
- Thirty-eight!
When I put him in jail, remind
me to give him his pablum.
Gimme that gun you swiped.
Them guys may be rough.
Here. Don't ever point a gun at nobody!
What are you worrying about?
I never shot nobody by accident.
Stop fooling around
with them instruments!
We'll wait for them Martians to
come and let them run the ship.
Hey, talk about foolin' around,
they got any dames
in this Mars place?
Naturally, they got dames.
I seen pictures from there.
They got big heads,
four arms...
and wireless aerials
growin' outta their ears.
Ooh, that don't sound
very entrancing to me.
They don't sound no worse than some beagles
I seen you keeping company with. Ahh.
Leave your space suits
out here to dry.
Come on.
Hurry up the ladder.
Come on, make it snappy. I wanna close
that trap so they can't catch us. Ooh.
Which one do you do?
You gotta touch one of these.
What are you... What are you
doing? I just about missed it.
Come on.
Get out of the way.!
And take off those magnetized boots
and put on your shoes.
Never mind the shoes.
I told ya to take off the boots
and put on your shoes!
You told me, "Never mind the shoes.
" I didn't say anything of the kind!
Now, put on your shoes.
And don't "okay. "
Everything is "okay" with you.
Hey! Who are you?
You're the first persons we've seen
who look like human beings.
Frisk him, Harry.
It's my turn now.
No ray gun.
This one's clean too.
Come on. Let's get this rocket
ship started and take off for Mars.
- How can we take off for Mars? We're already on Mars!
- How'd you fellas get up here?
I hate to say it, Mac. But it's obvious
to me that you have flipped your wig!
Boy, are these guys screwy! They
think New Orleans is Mars! New Orleans?
Open up that trap door.
No, you don't!
Get started before
my patience is tried.
Honest, mister, we don't
know how to operate this ship.
Then, how did you get here? All he
did was push this button, like that.
Oh, no.
It wasn't that button.
It wasn't this here one.
It was this one.
What could've happened? I don't know.
How could they be stupid enough to
take off again after they landed safely?
Dr. Wilson.
Hey, what's that ball
down there?
That's the Earth.
Boy, I wish the boys at the Louisiana
Penitentiary could look up and see me here.
I wish I could look down
and see you there.
Why you...
Hold it, Harry.
Take it easy, pudgy. This ship can travel
faster if we get rid of the excess weight.
Get it?
I'm with you.
Have you verified your calculations? Yes.
I checked Palomar and McDonald
Observatories. Their findings agree with mine.
Then, the ship is about to escape
the gravitational pull of the Earth.
Its course from there will naturally be
determined by its proximity to the other planets.
The nearest planet
would be Venus.
Hey, what did that?
We've hit outer space.
There's no gravity left anymore.
Hey, you guys are talkin' funny!
How high is it up to Mars?
Thirty-five million miles.
Lester? Lester!
Sometimes I don't feel so good.
I wanna get down.
Well, come on down!
Those gravity shoes will keep
you from floating like that hat.
Don't try to pull anything.
You won't get away with it
while I have this.
Oh, yeah?
Now the gun
is on the other foot.
Get him, Harry!
You make a move
and I'll shoot.
Go ahead! Shoot!
Are you goin' batty?
Don't tell the guy to shoot.
What are you waiting for?
Gee, Pudgy, according to all
astronomical theories,
the missile you just fired
from a loaded weapon...
had no propulsive acceleration
due to the absence of gravity;
we were in no danger.
Get him, Harry.
We're back to normal!
Pull the trigger!
I guess that makes a monkey
out of your repulsive...
of your "graviation. "
And it's
the high attitude that's got ya.
F-F-F... Flying saucer!
Oh, you're seeing things.
Oh, no you don't.
Okay, pudgy.
You're the boss man now,
But when the chance comes, I'm gonna
push you right off the planet Mars.
That's what you think.
As long as I have this thing, we're not
going to Mars. We're going back to Earth!
There's no doubt about it,
Dr. Wilson.
At this point, your spaceship is
about to land on Venus. Amazing.
Congratulations, Doctor. You've made a
magnificent contribution to the history of science.
Not me! Them! They did by accident
what I wanted to do on purpose.
Being in no mood for conversation,
but desirous of information,
would it be asking too much
to know our present locale?
Being as I can't see
a foot in front of me,
I'd say we're in Los Angeles.
Well, I'd say it's lucky for us
that we landed on Earth.
We've run out of fuel!
Orville, get a cop.
We're gonna fix you guys for getting us
blamed for all those robberies in New Orleans.
Hold the gun.
That must be one
of those jet pilots!
Step on it and
don't spare the atoms.
We must warn the Queen. Our
planet Venus has been invaded.
What kind of hot rod was that?
Captain Olivia, Flying Saucer
Patrol X-R-2, reporting.
A rocket ship model R-M has been sighted
on our planet. Patrols have been alerted.
Must've come from the Earth.
We discarded that model 20 years ago.
- See that its occupants are captured and brought to me.
- Yes, Allura.
Double the palace guard.
If our invaders should be men...
What does a man look like?
It's been so long, I've forgotten.
I haven't. Nor have I
forgotten that my man...
was the lyingest, cheatingest,
double-crossingest male that ever inhabited Venus.
And so were all
the rest of them.
But that happened
400 years ago!
They couldn't have changed.
Guards! Guards!
Corporal! Corporal!
Corporal! Corporal!
They've captured one of the invaders
right here in the palace!
What is it? I could be
wrong, but I think it's a man.
That's a man?
As I remember it,
they look something like this.
Although this seems to be
a pretty poor specimen.
Jerry, check with the patrol. See if
they've captured others. Yes, Allura.
Can I get up? Thank you. Go ahead.
He looks worse standing up than he
did lying down. Bow to the queen.
Bow to the queen!
What do you want here?
I was lookin' for a policeman. I didn't
know this was a movin' picture studio.
You're a bit confused.
This is the planet Venus.
Oh, no. They were trying
to kid me before.
When I was in New Orleans, they were
trying to tell me that that was Mars.
And now that I'm on Earth, you're
gonna try to tell me that this is Venus?
beam the vis-a-screen.
That... That must be
the Earth, all right.
Harry is still practicing
his piano lessons.
I wanna tell ya. I'm really mixed up
around here. I'm mixed up all over.
All I've been doin' is flyin' up and
down, goin' sideways and backwards.
It's getting so that
I'm... I'm tired. I gotta sit down.
The celestial beam
of light.
It faded out 400 years ago when
men were banished from our planet.
Could it be a sign that men
are to return to us again?
Maybe it's an omen.
An omen?
- Omen?
- Oh, men!
Silence, all of you!
We've done well
without men.
Our science, art,
medicine and culture...
surpass that of any
other civilization.
We have discovered
the secret of eternal life.
We live in tranquillity
and peace.
Are we to destroy this
by bringing men back?
But the celestial beam
has crowned him king.
We want a king! We want a king!
What can a king do
that a queen can't do?
Be the father of a large family.
All right, if you wish it,
you shall have a king.
- You mean, I'm gonna be the king?
- In a way.
What is your name, man?
King Orville.
If you'll step into the king's quarters,
you'll find some of his old apparel.
Isn't it customary for
a king to have a bodyguard?
With you, I'm afraid the bodyguard
would have to have a bodyguard.
Now, run along and dress.
Yes, my Queen.
And thank you, my royal subjects,
all of my royal subjects.
Another subject!
- King Orville!
- Yes, my Queen?
Long live the King!
Thank you, my royal...
Oh, the king.!
Boy, if our minions of the law possessed
the feminine pulchritude that you girls do,
I would have no objections
to incarceration in the bastille.
If that is the same as being
pinched by a broad, I am with you.
Don't any of you
dare try to escape!
Don't worry, honey. That would
be like resisting an officer.
How do I look?
Delightfully revolting. Thank you.
Say, how about something to eat, Maybe,
could I get a nice steak, a broiled steak?
The preparation of food
that way is outmoded.
Food pills are much easier.
We have a pill for everything.
She's 400 years old.
A 400-year-old kid!
Where did you
capture them?
In the spaceship. And this
one gave me quite a struggle.
That is evident.
I must talk this over
with the king.
He's the king?
Take them to the dungeon. Ah, my Queen.
Just take them two to the
dungeon. Leave my pal Lester here.
You, Lester, may remain with
us. Take the other two away.
Yes, Allura. Ain't you
gonna do nothin' about this?
Just a moment.
Ah, fair flower of Venus.
The sight of you makes my
lips burn for your kisses.
It kindles the fires of love
in my heart.
The flames sear my soul.
Squirt the hose on him. Put the
fire out and put him in the dungeon.
O Mighty King.
Queen Allura, I'd like to
have you meet my pal Lester.
Are you kidding?
Ooh! Guards, guards!
Guards. Help, help!
Kiss my hand.
Now you know who's boss. Who's the boss?
You are.
Say, just a minute.
Would you mind tellin' us why
the queen put us in the pokey?
We ain't even pulled a job here
yet. Our queen distrusts all men.
400 years ago, she caught her
consort kissing a handmaiden.
She banished all men
from our planet.
You mean, there's all dames here
and just us four men?
What a spot for a black market.
What a spot for me to be king.
Look, if the Queen banished
one king for kissin' a dame,
it figures she'll do
the same thing to Orville.
You think them tights will fit you?
Listen, kid.
Here's what I want you to do.
I want you to get ahold
of all the rest of the chicks...
I must say, it's rather nice to
have a man around the house again.
Are you married?
Have you a sweetheart?
Do you go around with anyone? Lester.
Are you married?
I've been lonely for so long.
If I could only trust you.
But with so many females, I fear
temptation would be too great.
You don't have to worry.
I'll let you trust me.
Queen Allura, there's an interplanetary
call for you on the stratophone.
Will ya tell 'em
we're busy?
What did you say,
Queen Allura?
I'll place you on your honor.
Walk this way.
Hey, what are you doing? Nothing.
Hold this.
Let me sit down.
King Orville!
I'll stand for no trifling,
King. Hold these. What are they?
Those are Venusian balloons developed
in our laboratory of cybernetics.
They possess
extrasensory perception.
Your slightest thought of a woman will be
transmitted to the balloon causing it to break.
Have no fear. I won't think of
another woman. See that you don't.
For if I return and find one balloon
broken, I'll know you've trifled.
And I'll cast you from the planet,
and you'll drift in space forever.
Just a minute, Queen.
What did you say they were?
Venusian balloons.
Venuza palooze.
Girls, go
to your quarters.
You better watch your step,
or you're gonna be a goner.
You're right. I don't want
the queen to get mad at me.
Gimme those balloons. Now you've
got nothing to worry about. See?
Gimme the balloons back...
before the queen hurtles me
through space. I've got an idea.
Put this glove on. It'll break
the contact. Are you sure?
Am I sure. Don't electricians wear
gloves to protect them from voltage?
You're right. I'll put this
in that hand. Same thing.
Put it in that hand.
Nothing can happen.
Now, I'll take a look at her.
Go ahead. See? Nothing happens.
It works! Hold this. I'm
gonna kiss her. Certainly.
Here. Gimme that. I'm the king. No,
I'm the king. No, I don't want it.
I don't want it. I'm
the king. No, gimme this.
I knew I should
never trust a man!
Hey, the-the balloons.
Where's the balloons?
You'll pay dearly for this. It
wasn't me. It was him. Honest.
I'll find out how honest
you really are. Sit down.
What are you?
I'm the king.
Well then, show her who's boss. Sit down!
Ohh. This is also a machine
of extrasensory perception...
based on the principle
of the positronic brain.
It's able to decipher between
the true and the false.
Oh, this is your type
of a lie detector.
I have nothing to worry about.
I don't tell any lies.
Ooh, ooh, ooh. Are you gonna ask me
questions or serve me at a barbecue?
I'm going to find out
the truth. Sit down!
You heard the queen.
Sit down!
My pal. What did you think
of when that girl came to you?
Stop hollering.
I'm burnt up.
Now, listen, Queenie.
If you want to cook me, turn
me over. I'm done on one side.
Sit down! Not until I'm
ready. I'm ready! I'm ready!
This is a vicious queen. The Queen
of Spades, Dirty Dora. Must be.
Did you kiss that girl?
Yes, I did.
When you kissed her,
what did you think of?
I was thinkin' of you.
Guards! Guards!
Seize them.
Refuel the ship and
get them off this planet.
Have the two brought from
the dungeon. They'll go also.
I wouldn't make book on that!
Me and my constituents
just had a caucus,
and I don't think they're gonna go
for your order of male departure.
We demand a vote!
Just a minute. Uh, Queenie,
I request that this
delegation be polled.
Very well.
Before we put the matter to a vote,
first look at these men,
and I use the term loosely.
And now,
see what men really look like.
Angelica, turn the
vis-a-screen to retrospect.
The Secretary of the Interior.
The Secretary of the Treasury.
The Secretary of War.
The king.
Fine figure of a man he was.
You can turn it off now, Angelica.
I think I've proved my point.
The question is, do we keep
these sad-looking specimens or not?
All those in favor of sending them
back, please signify by saying "aye. "
You're out of order. The ayes
have it. Meeting adjourned.
The spaceship
is refueled and ready to go.
Then get them aboard
and speed their departure.
Queen, if it wasn't for
these, I'd still be king.
It's over,
so let's not talk about it.
If you think of me, will you let me hear
from you? Oh, I'll keep my eye on you.
Thank you.
And when I get down to Earth,
I'm gonna tell 'em
down there how beautiful...
you and the girls are. Thank you.
May I take along a few
samples to show 'em? No!
I'm sorry about the girl.
It could've happened to you.
Ridiculous! I have no feeling
for you or any other man.
Get him outta here!
Get him out!
Too bad I couldn't trust him.
He was such a cute little fellow.
- You mean me, Queenie?
- Get out!
From now on, a curse on
any woman who kisses a man.
She'll lose
the secret of eternal youth!
Orville.! Orville.
Please take me with you.
Oh, I can't. Lester would be mad
at me. Well, then, kiss me good-bye.
Les? Les? What? Take it easy.
Hey, I just kissed a girl, and she turned
into an old woman. Oh, that's ridiculous.
- How could that happen?
- These Venusians are strange people.
Maybe the Queen
put a curse on the girls.
Hey, if I kissed a girl on Earth,
would that happen to me again?
It's highly improbable.
That's right. Anytime I ever kissed
a girl, nothin' ever happened.
That I can believe.
Get in that seat.
Now what's wrong?
Captain Olivia, Flying
Saucer Patrol X-R-2, speaking.
What's delaying your takeoff? Over. Uh.
I don't know.
It just won't take off. Over.
Check for excess weight. Over. Roger.
Hey, see if there's anything
in those lockers we don't need.
Everything in those lockers, I need.
I'll do it myself!
No wonder we couldn't take off.
Get 'em out.
Sorry, girls. Come on.
You gotta go.
I'm awfully sorry. I...
Any more?
No, sir.
Out, girls.
Hey, some first aid!
Out you go! Come on!
Acres and acres of'em,
and all goin' to waste.
All right,
stand by.
What's happening now? Oh, they've taken off
from Venus, and they're headed for Earth.
Is there anything
you can do to help them?
So far, they've done all right
without my help.
Hey, pal, I think you
burned out a bearing.
Janie, order plane reservations.
They're over New York now.
Liberty, duck!
Ha, you missed her!
Captain, send him my regards.
Love has hit me again.
She crowned me again.