Abbott and Costello in the Foreign Legion (1950) Movie Script

'Neath the merciless sun,
across the trackless desert,
march the men
of the Foreign Legion.
Unwanted men. The forsaken
of a hundred nations.
They came to the Legion
to forget.
Our story is about two men whom the
Foreign Legion would like to forget.
And they were unwanted...
even in Brooklyn.
But let us start at the beginning...
and the cause of it all:
these two wrestlers.
Hold it. Hold it.! Hold
everything. Keep that crowd quiet.!
Quiet. Quiet, quiet!
That'll keep you quiet.
Mr. Jones, this guy
ain't followin' the script.
He was supposed to stand still
and let me butt him.
Now listen, you. When the script
says you get butted, you get butted.
What a rehearsal.! No
emotion. No fire. No nothing.!
The best script I ever wrote,
and you guys smell it up.
Tell him. He's the one that
can't read. I don't have to read.
I'm the wrestling champion
in all North Africa.
Don't you guys realize...
that nobody's gonna pay good
money just to see wrestling.
You've gotta dramatize it.
You've gotta suffer.
You've gotta...
There you are.
Get that expression
of suffering. That's agony.!
Hold that expression, Lou. I want the
boys to study it. Hold it. Okay, Lou.
That's enough. Don't ham it up. Come on.
Come on, get out.
There. Come on, come on.
Come on.
Come on, come on!
I want you to show these guys
how to do their parts.
Uh, first of all,
you'll stand in for Abdullah.
Come on. Now we'll start
from the top of page five.
Uh, wait a minute.
Here we are.
Uh, now. "Bert charges in
with a dropkick.
"Abdullah goes down.
But is he hurt? No.
He looks up at Bert
and sneers with contempt. "
Now wait a minute!
Now watch carefully. Go ahead.
No, no, no, no, no,
Lou, come on.
Don't take so long
to fall down!
I want Abdullah
to get the proper timing.
Come on, come on, come on.
I'm awfully sorry it took me
so long to fall down.
All right, all right. Now,
you're Bert. You're Bert.
Abdullah, retaliate!
Lou, will you
fall faster?
You're slowing up the
whole action of this script.
And I'm not a bit happy about
that fall. That makes two of us.
Do you want me to do it again,
Mr. Jones? No, certainly not.
I don't want you to get hurt.
Uh, look, take the next move.
And really pour it on
this time. Go ahead.
No. No, no, no!
Can't you bounce him a little harder?
We're not getting the right sound effect.
That's it.
Now you've got it.
Get the idea, Bert? Huh? You're
taking a terrific beating.
Abdullah's murdering ya,
but... you can take it.
I always do my best.
I'm not wearing you out, am I? No.
Uh, all right, Abdullah, that's enough.
I don't want you to tire yourself out.
Bert, take over.
That was fine, Bert.
Are you tired? Are you tired? No. No.
Whose turn is it? Mine. Mine.
All right, we'll toss for it. Heads.
It's tails. I win.
We'll do the Boston routine.
The Boston routine? The
Boston routine. Yeah.
The Boston routine.
Ahhh, now wait a minute!
Let's do the whirlwind finale.
That's the one.
Hey, Bud, get me off
this merry-go-round!
That's fine.
That's it!
That's just what I'm looking for.
What a touch. It's beautiful.
You! You,
the victorious hero.
And you,
beaten into surrender...
crawling away
like a whipped dog.
Abdullah's no whipped dog.
I'm a great champion.
I never lose.
But Abdullah, you won last week in
Boston. Tomorrow night it's Bert's turn.
You know, after all, he's
a big favorite in this town.
Abdullah's the greatest wrestler
in the world. I never lose.
I'll quit first and return to
my tribe. Now wait a minute.
Let's take it easy, brother. You know
you've got a signed contract with us.
And remember I borrowed five grand from the
syndicate to bring you here from Algiers.
I don't care.
Abdullah says good-bye.
But what about the five grand? Say good-bye
to that too. I'm taking the first boat home.
Hey, stupid.
Come on, stupid.
Abdullah walked out on us.
We've gotta get him back.
We'll be in plenty of trouble if that
guy blows town. What guy blows town?
What did you say?
What guy blows town?
How can you talk with
your mouth shut? Well?
Abdullah blew.
Well, what have you
got to say, Jonesy?
Well, uh, if you're talking
about the five grand, boss,
don't worry about that.
I'll get it back to you.
Five grand's small change.
The setup we got for Abdullah
is worth 100 grand.
You wouldn't want us to lose
that kind of dough,
would you, Jonesy?
Oh, I...
Uh, uh, don't, don't give it
a second thought, Frankie.
We'll get Abdullah back if we have to chase
him around the four corners of the globe.
Don't worry about a thing.
Come on, Lou.
Come on.
Excuse me, Bud, do you mind if
I ask you a question? Go ahead.
Just what are we doing here?
We're looking for Abdullah.
We are? Sure. He bought
a ticket for Algiers.
Uh, neighbor, do you know
Abdullah the wrestler?
The wrestler,
Abdullah? The...
Lou, show him a picture.
This is the way he looks
undressed. That's it.
And here's the way
he looks dressed.
He wears the headdress
of the Al-Minya tribe.
Oh, so you know him? Oh,
no, no, no. I-I know nothing.
I want no trouble.
Now go away. Go away, go away!
Oh, he is ugly!
Oh, I wish we could find someone around
here to give us a sensible answer.
So do I.
She's beautiful.
Hey, Bud!
I'll get some sense out of
this here one. I'll ask her.
Bud, come here. Come
here. What's the matter?
You talk to this lady. Maybe
she can answer... Okay. Oh, sure!
I... This is mine! This is the one I...
Uh, you...
Yeah... Oh!
Uh, do you happen to know
Abdullah the wrestler?
These wrestlers are very strong, and
they-they-they try to get a, a hold on you.
And they put their, um... They-They...
Sometimes they, they-they...
They sort of pick it up and-and...
on the head. Do you get it?
And sometimes... And then, then
again they give you a headlock like...
They, they...
They, they...
Y-You don't know
how to wrestle?
Can I show you? You-You
see, I'm your opponent.
And then, then you take one arm
and put it around your opponent.
And you take the other arm and
put it around your opponent.
And then sometimes your opponent
wants to give you a bear hug, and he...
He... He...
He... Mmm.
What's the idea?
I wasn't kissing anybody.
What is this? What is
what? Oh, how did that...
What are you trying to
do, get us killed? Oh, no.
In this country men don't get familiar
with women. Well, don't they kiss 'em?
No! No, they don't. And don't
they go out with 'em? Don't they...
No, no, no. No!
They don't?
Boy, is that woman in the wrong country.
Oh, will you st... There's
a hotel. Let's check in.
Will you get out of my way? Now you
stay outside and watch for Abdullah.
Abdullah? I'll do it. Abdullah!
Now you sit down there and
keep your eyes open. Oh, yeah.
Uh, just a minute. Here's
a tip for carrying the bags.
Put that down. Put it
back! "Put that down. "
"Put that down. "
What is it?
I must seeJosef at once.
His Excellency Sheik Hamud and
Sergeant Axmann are with Josef.
I have important information.
Not now. Out!
Why didn't you warn me, Axmann, that the
Legionnaires would be guarding the construction camp?
Last night's attack cost me 12
men. It was worth it, Sheik Hamud.
This morning at the commandant's office,
the railroad company engineers were raging.
On this very map
they showed him...
that unless he can clear
the desert of your raiders,
they won't be able
to lay the tracks...
from Beni Abbess to Ouargla.
The company will be forced to build
the railroad the long way around...
at a cost of one million pounds.
What did the commandant say?
He promised them more troops. A
full company will proceed tonight...
from Fort Lallemand, here,
to Beni Abbes, here.
Cut them off and destroy
them at El Golea.
The construction camps
will be at our mercy.
Well, always more attacks.
What about money?
If you can stop work on the
railroad for another 30 days,
the company will have to
pay us whatever we demand.
He insists his information cannot wait.
There are two Americans in town
looking for your cousin Abdullah.
What do they want with my cousin?
I-I don't know, Your Excellency.
They may be spies
for the railroad company.
Sheik Hamud, I suggest that you
leave Algiers immediately.
As soon as I finish my business
at the slave auction.
These Americans... can spoil everything.
They will be taken care of,
Excellency, by Ibrim.
He never fails.
I don't want anything to
happen to them in the streets.
Ibrim is wise.
He will drag them
into an alley, and, uh...
Point out the Americans to Ibrim. Yes, sir.
There's one of them.
Go with these
and find the other.
Wait a minute, fellows.
I don't know what this is all about.
Is it because I kissed that girl?
Huh? I hope not. I've never been
in such trouble before in my life.
And... Excuse me, please.
I'll pick it up. I'll pick
it up. What a nightmare!
What are you doing in here? Ohhh!
There are some men
outside chasing me.
But if you are found in here with
the girls, you will be killed.
If I'm found outside with the
men, they'll kill me too. Men?
There are no men out there.
Are you sure?
See. Go look for yourself. I think I will.
No, here.
That way.
Hey, maybe they're gone.
Ohhh! Hey!
They're out there.
They're out there.
Those are the men from the
Al-Minya tribe. Is that bad?
If they find you, they
will kill you. That's bad.
You cannot go in there!
If the guards find you with the
slave girls, they will kill you.
At least in there
I'll die happy.
Open the door.! Open the door
or we'll break it down.!
Hey, fellows, stand back and take
a run and break the door down.!
Thank you.
Uh-uh, no, you don't.
Get up on your feet.
"Get up. "
Get up on your feet!
That's all you want to do is rest. Ohhh!
Oh, I said get up.
What's the matter?
I told you to watch out for
Abdullah, didn't I? I did.
As soon as my back
is turned you go to sleep.
I found three members
of the Al-Minya tribe.
Where? I opened my eyes and here they were.
Here? Did they tell you where Abdullah is?
They were busy chasing me. They chased
me right into a room full of girls.
Never mind the girls. Tell me about
the men. The girls were beautiful.
Especially the one girl. She was
exotic. She... Never mind. Listen.
Forget about the girls. Tell me about
the men. What did they look like?
They didn't appeal to me. But the
girls, the girls... Never mind the girls!
Will you please tell me about
the men? Yes. Oh, the men?
They were vicious. They were
big. They looked like that. Yes?
One guy had a face... He
had a face all over a face.
With a big mustache like that.
And they had little knives too.
They got another name for 'em.
Uh, dirks. Yeah, the whole
three of them were dirks.
In fact, Bud,
they, they looked
like these guys.
A-And every time I took a
step, they would take a step.
Oh, come on.
I think so.
Oh, Bud!
Bud, I wanna go home.
What's the matter?
There's something I want to
take back to America. Me. What?
Will you stop acting like
a coward? Who's acting?
If we go home, Frankie'll
have us bumped off. Oh.
We're safe as long as
we stay here in the crowd.
And now, gentlemen, lot
number 36, three slave girls.
You must buy all three or none.
We cannot break up the set.
Here we are.
Do I have a bid?
I have a bid
of 5,000 francs.
Do I have more?
Do I hear more?
10,000 francs
from the great desert sheik.
Any other bids?
Any other bids?
Sold to His Excellency!
Slave girls.
Slave girls?
Slave girls.
Uh, a girl you take home.
She cooks for you, she sews for
you, she does all your washing...
and she's a servant
for the rest of your life.
In Algiers, they call 'em "slave girls.
" In America, we call 'em "wives. "
Well? Not yet. They're over there.
Not while I'm here,
you fool.
It might bring
the Legionnaires.
And now
lot number 37.
Six beautiful girls,
the prize of the auction.
Prince Musa Ben Mahmud
is liquidating his holdings.
Just look at these
gorgeous desert flowers.
Do I have a bid? Hey, there's the girl
I met when those guys were chasing me.
Do I hear a bid? We have
no time to bother with her.
I have a bid of 5,000
francs. Hey, wait a minute.
This dame setup might be just
the thing to attract Abdullah.
Let's look around
and see if he's in the crowd.
I now have a bid
of 10,000 francs.
Do I hear more?
Do I hear more?
I now have 15,000. Any
other bid? Any other bid?
I now have 20,000.
I now have
60,000 francs.
The sheik bids 80.
I have now 90, 100, 120.
160,000 francs!
160,000! Any other bid?
Any other bid?
Sold to the American!
Hey, what happened?
Some American bought all
these slave girls. Some...
Hey, get a load
of that guy over there.
He looks mad enough
to slit somebody's throat.
Oh, him? He's my pal. He was waving
at me all through the auction. Yeah.
Then somebody said, "Sold
American," and he stopped.
He was waving at you? Mm-hmm.
Yes, he was going like that,
so I waved back.
Why, you nitwit, you bought the
girls! Let's get out of here.
Let me congratulate you, and
you can pay me the money now.
Make him out a check. Uh, I'm
sorry, neighbor, but the deal is off.
You can't call it off. Sheik Hamud
bid a fortune for these girls.
I can't help what he bid.
But you must buy them. I can't.
He just changed my mind for me.
Perhaps you would let me talk to them.
I may make them change their mind again.
Oh, my master, wouldst thou not like
six beautiful girls to serve you?
Six pairs of feet
to do thy running?
Six pairs of hands
to do thy bidding?
And six pair of lips to do
my kissing. Now look, lady...
Excuse me.
You're beautiful. May I kiss
one of your six pair of lips?
Now what is this again? Who keeps
puttin' those things in my mouth?
Lady, this guy hasn't got
enough dough to buy you.
Quiet, slave. Do you think
maybe the auctioneer,
he would take, say 75 cents down and
maybe a dollar and a quarter a month?
I m-mean, do you think... Shut up, you
stupid fool! You've ruined all my plans.
For months I've been trying
to enter the household...
of Sheik Hamud of the Al-Minya
tribe, and you outbid him!
I'm sorry. I'm s...
I'm sorry.
I'd like to talk
to that sheik.
You know, we're looking for
one of the members of his tribe.
Uh, Lou, show her
a picture of Abdullah.
Come, come, I cannot wait
all day for my money.
Oh, uh, one moment. I must see
you later. Where can I meet you?
We checked into the
Hotel International.
I'll contact you. How're
you gonna get out of here?
I am in no danger.
I'll manage.
Oh, uh... he would like
to think it over.
Think it over? Six beautiful
girls for only 160,000 francs!
160,000! Yes, and it's a good buy.
A what?
A good buy.
The Legion!
Hip, hip, hip!
Hip, hip, hip,
hip, hip, hip, hip.
And a skip and a jump.
And a skip and a jump. Hip!
Hip, hip!
Come on, Bud!
Those are the Americans.
Hip, hip, hip, hip, hip.
This is the Foreign Legion.
Nobody can touch us here.
Whew! Oooh!
Hey, what kind of a country are
you guys running around here?
Every time my pal and I turn our
backs, somebody throws a knife at us.
A knife? Yee! A knife!
Put that down. Listen...
This is headquarters of the
First Battalion Legion trangre.
It is not. This is the Foreign
Legion. That's what he said.
Now listen, neighbor, we're not a couple of
American tourists that can be pushed around.
Yes, we're here
on business, big business.
And what is the nature
of your business?
I think we're out of business. Shh!
You're relieved, Corporal.
I'll handle this.
Well, gentlemen? Uh,
we're looking for a guy.
Where does the Al-Minya
tribe hang out?
Well, the last Legion report,
they were somewhere in this area.
But I doubt very much
whether you'll be able to find them.
Hey, why don't we... why don't we
ask Sheik Hamud where his tribe is?
- What do you know of Sheik Hamud?
- What do I know of Sheik Hamud?
Today I outsmarted him
in a deal.
That was very clever of you,
but also very dangerous.
I'm afraid it won't be safe for
you to be out in the streets.
Well, h-how are we
gonna get out of here?
Why go? It's the Legion's
duty to protect you.
So why not stay here until I make
sure that everything's all right?
Are you sure we're not crowding
you? No, we take men in every day.
But, uh, how are we going to get
out to eat? We serve you food here.
Oh, boy! Room and board!
How much do you charge?
Nothing. Nothing? Well,
we sure appreciate it.
Isn't there something
we can do for you?
Well, just a little thing, a formality. Oh.
We like to keep a list of our guests. Sure.
You won't mind signing your name,
would you? It's mighty nice of you.
Thank you. Uh, and
you can be sure...
we'll be quiet, if you
know what I mean.
No wild parties.
That I'm sure of.
However, there are a few
little rules and regulations.
Raise your right hand, boys.
Your right hand.
I'm left-handed.
Your right hand!
Yes, sir.
Jurez-vous solennellement
de soutenir la dignite...
de la Republique Francaise
contre tous ses enemis...
vos superieurs de la Legion Etrangere?
Say, "I do. "
I do.
And you?
I do. I do.
Oh, what's the matter with you?
Are you daffy?
Now that we're married, I
do hope you'll make me happy.
Ah, shut up! Cruelty! I want a divorce!
Gentlemen.! Yes, ma'am. Uh, yes, sir. What?
That's better. Well, he's
got to be one or the other.
Now, gentlemen, if you'll step through
that door, you'll be taken care of.
Through that door?
Thank you.
- We'll be seein' you.
- Every day.
You just signed up for a five-year
stretch in the Foreign Legion.
Foreign Legion?
Long live the Legion!
Come on!
Hotchkiss! Come on!
Come on, you!
You're a heavy dummy!
Climb in. I want to see how the
recruits are doing. Oui, mon Commandant.
Brother, I'm tired. Relax.
All right, on your feet, men!
Hit the wire, on the double!
All right, Lou, follow me.
Don't worry about a thing.
Come on, Lou.
Okay, okay.
Over this way.
Hey, Bud, come on.
I'll help you.
Come on.
What kept you?
You call yourself
a Legionnaire?
You're a disgrace
to the sacred memories...
of the magnificent men of the
Legion who fought and died...
at Bouarfa, El Mers,
Medouna and Rezzas!
Not to mention
Bou Kahamouj, Mekmis, Fes.
You forgot to mention Azusa,
Anaheim and Cucamonga.
Oh! Do not despair, mon Commandant,
I'll make a Legionnaire of him one
way or the other. You are dismissed!
You can't talk that way to a wounded
soldier. What do you mean, "wounded"?
I-I just hurt my finger on that
barbed wire there. It's blood.
Before I'm through with you, you'll see
blood. You'll be surrounded by blood!
Your machine gun will riddle your enemies
until blood flows like water through a sieve.
Your sabers will hack and
slash through human flesh. Ooh!
With your trench knives, in the black
of night, you will creep up on a man...
and rip and rip
until he falls apart!
And when you wade victoriously
through the blood of your enemies,
glorying in the gore of battle,
then he'll be a Legionnaire!
I can't understand it.
First the attack on the railroad
company's construction camp at Biskra,
and now the massacre
of 40 Legionnaires at El Golea.
Sheik Hamud seems to know
our every move.
It's obvious, sir. There
must be a leak somewhere.
Quite obvious, Sergeant.
Thank you.
But how do we stop it? Every day
Hamud becomes more and more daring.
Who knows where
he'll strike next?
Sergeant, investigate
that gunfire. Yes, sir.
Sound the alert!
How do you shut it off?
The enemy's got us surrounded.
They'll kill all of us.
Stop firing.
We surrender.
Stop firing.!
Drop that flag!
- We surrender. Stop firing.
- Drop that flag!
Look, we're outnumbered.
Why don't you surrender?
Why didn't you shut that
gun off? I didn't know how.
Corporal, how did this happen?
I told him to assemble the gun.
Let me tell you something. That's a
dangerous thing to have in the army.
Somebody could get killed.
Throw these men
in the guardhouse.
Sergeant, you are to bring Hotchkiss
and Jones to the commandant immediately.
Take them away.
This will be a pleasure.
In here.
Oh, stop that.
Mon Commandant.
Here are the men you sent for.
You are Hotchkiss and Jones?
You can call us Bud and Lou.
That's Bud, that's Lou. Sergeant!
Oui, mon Commandant. Give these
men a pass to go to town tonight.
- Pass? But I thought that...
- Those are orders from a source I cannot question.
Yes, sir.
You men be at
82 Rue Lafayette at 8:00.
- Us?
- Oui.
Oh, the three of us are
going? No, just you two.
Us? Oui. Yes, the three of us...
Make up your mind! Are you
goin' or aren't you goin'?
Get out! Get out of here!
Take them out of here.
Get up.
Just so you won't forget the
address, I'm writing it on the pass.
282 Rue Lafayette.
That was 82.
282. The commandant says 82.
Hi-hi! Hi-hi!
Here it is, 282.
I don't like the looks
of this thing.
You shoot up the post,
and they give us a pass.
I don't know.
Ah, there's something wrong.
We'd better case this place. Bud?
What? There's something I wanna tell you.
What's that? Hey, no... I'm goin' home.
Come on.
No, you don't.
Come on, come on.
Shut up.
It is five past 8:00. We will not be
able to dispose of the Americans...
if they do not appear.
I've thought of that.
If they are not here
by 10 past 8:00,
I have ordered the military police
to classify them as deserters...
and shoot them on sight.
That means us.
Oui... Ah, come on.
Lou, we're in trouble.
Where do we go from here?
Let's go to the dock, get
a boat and go home. Come on.
Hey, they're M.P.'s
and they're looking for us.
And if they find us, they'll
shoot us on sight as deserters.
We can't make a move
unless the coast is clear.
You stay right here.
Don't move. Okay, I won't.
We're being followed. I spotted
one of'em. I saw one too.
That's two of'em. I'm gonna
find out how many there are.
I just saw one. I saw
one too. We're surrounded.
We're not gonna get nabbed
without putting up a fight. No.
Wait right here.
Oh, it's you.
Shhh, quiet! Shut up!
Here, hold this. I'm goin' around
this building and flush 'em out.
If I happen to chase one of'em
around this way, bang him!
I'll let 'im have it.
Right over the head.
Hit him, Lou!
Hit him! Hit him, Lou!
Hit him!
Why didn't you hit the guy
I chased? I was too busy.
Somebody was chasin' me. Now you
listen to me. You stay right here!
I'm gonna backtrack,
and I'll get 'em.
And don't forget to use
that club, do you hear? Okay.
Stay right there. Backtrack.
I'll backtrack too.
Wh-What's the matter?
One of'em got me. That's
okay. I got one of them.
Hey, we're gonna fool 'em.
You go ahead as a decoy. Hmm.
When they sneak up behind you,
I'll sneak up behind them.
And... clunk! Simple?
I'd have to be to do that.
Go ahead, go ahead. Okay.
Hey, Lou!
Hey, Lou!
Lou.! Lou.!
Oh, hey, Lou! Boy, did I get
'im! He tapped me on the shoulder,
and just as I-I...
Hey, Lou, wait a minute.
Was it you I bopped? Yeah.
Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Lou.
I didn't mean it, Lou.
No? Oh, you know I wouldn't do that to you.
Here, take my club and hit me right on
the head with it. Go on. I don't want to.
Go on, Lou. Take my club and
hit me on the head with it!
I don't wanna use your club. Why not?
I wanna use my own.
I, I...
Come on.
Ah, what's the use?
Come on.
Oh, no! Not again?
Help! I've been looking all over for you.
I'm sorry, lady, we can't waste
our time with you. We're deserters.
You can't. I need you. I am
Nicole Dupre, French Intelligence.
I arranged for your pass tonight. You?
Oui. Oh, then you had somebody help you.
No, I arranged it. That's
what I said. You did it.
Oui. Yes, you had somebody help you.
No, oui. O-U-I
means "yes. "
What does I-O-U mean,
"no"? Oh, shut up!
Shh, shh, careful.
Why didn't you obey orders
and come to 82 Rue Lafayette?
Eighty-two? Sergeant Axmann
told us to go to 282.
Yes, Axmann.
We saw him in a room
with five Arab hoodlums.
Sheik Hamud's men.
II est le traitre.
But I cannot take your word
for it. I must have evidence.
If you will help me find it, I will
see that you get out of the Legion.
It's a deal.
Hurry then.
Search his quarters before
Axmann returns to the post. Oui.
That means the two of
us, we. Come on, come on.
Come on.
Shh, come on. Don't
make no noise. All right.
Good. The shutters are closed. Shh.
Wait till I find the light switch. Hey!
I feel a damp opening in the wall.
You got your hand in my mouth.
Get out of my way!
Here, wait a minute,
I've got it.
You get the bed; I'll
get the dresser. Okay.
Shh, don't make no noise.
Good night.
Good ni...
What are you doing? You
told me to get the bed.
When I say get the bed,
I don't mean get the bed.
What do you mean?
I mean get the bed.
When I say you're insane, I
don't mean you're insane. No?
You're cuckoo. Look, I'll take
the bed. You take the bureau.
Are you positive? You want me to take
the bureau? Positive. Take the bureau.
"Take the bureau. " "Take
the bureau. " Hurry up.
Wait a minute! Shh!
What are you doing? You told me
deliberately to take the bureau.
I don't mean take
the bureau. Search it!
Search it. Shh.
Search it.
Shut up.
Hey, Bud, what
are we looking for?
Something to tie up Axmann
with the Arabs.
And if we find it,
we've got him trapped.
Trapped? Trapped? Trapped! Yes, trapped.
What's the matter? Oh, can't
you keep out of trouble?
Now listen, I...
What's wrong now?
Will you keep on searching!
And keep out of trouble!
Hey, I think
I've found something!
How do you know? This paper
with the Arabic writing on it.
What more evidence do we need? None at all.
Let's get outta here. Wait
a minute. Wait a minute.
Hey, Bud... Quiet. I've
gotta decipher this thing.
Oh, I'd like to see the
expression on Axmann's face...
when he finds out this
is gone. You can. You can.
Ifhe knew we had this,
he'd kill both of us.
Don't give him any ideas. Then all we
have to do is turn it over to the girl.
This is our ticket
out of the Legion.
Then we walk up to Axmann and snap
our fingers in his face just like that.
Who told you
to search my quarters?
Who is this girl?
Answer me! Answer me!
Sergeant, we just received
a radio message.
Fort Apar is being
besieged by Arabs.
Reinforcements will leave
immediately under Captain Cheval.
Assemble your patrol.
Yes, sir.
At ease. Thank you. Get up!
I beg your pardon, sir. We have
important information for the commandant.
Yes, sir. Information that will
put someone behind the firin' lines.
What is it? Take a gander at this, please.
"Three shirts,
two drawers, four socks. "
This is an Arab
laundry ticket, idiots!
About face!
You two get your equipment.
You're marching with the patrol.
This order into the desert
is most convenient.
Do you mind if I say one word? Help! No.
2,214... I don't get it.
They march us all day,
and at night we've got to guard the supplies
and take care of those smelly camels.
2,449... I got hip to this
army life back in 1945.
Forty-five, 46, 1947, 1948,
1949... My father, he
was hip to it in 1917.
917, 1918, 1920... My uncle.
1921... There's a guy that
was contented. He was happy.
He was a roughrider
in '98.
Ninety-eight, 99, 100.
My grandfather, huh!
He was a drummer boy in '61.
Sixty-one, 62, 63, 64...
Even if that girl
did get our message,
our chances of getting out
of here'd be 100-to-1.
101, 102,
103, 104...
105... And Axmann, there's a wise guy.
Brings us into this outfit
for five years. Five!
Five, six, seven,
eight, nine, 10...
But I'll find a way out.
I'm a pretty smart cookie too.
Two, three, four,
five, six...
What are you doing?
seven, eight...
The captain told me
to check the ammunition.
That doesn't mean to count
each bullet. Put 'em back!
"Put 'em back. "
Now you see?
You've scared the camels.
Come on,
we've got to quiet 'em down.
Seven... Ahh!
Hey, one of the camels are
gone. I wonder which one it is.
I think it's the one with the
humps. It must've been Sally.
She was the sweetest one of the
two. We've gotta look for her.
I ain't goin' out in that
dark desert tonight.
What was that?
It ain't no camel.
Oh, it's just
some kind of an animal.
We'll have to go out and look
for Sally. Come on. Not me.
I'm gonna stay right on this
spot. Nothing's gonna move me.
All right.
All of them?
All of them.
Good. I'll go back to headquarters
and report the casualties.
And tell them
how lucky I was.
Yes, how lucky
you were.
Uh, we'll never find her.
Maybe she went home to her
mother. What do you mean?
Dogs go home to their mother and
cats go home to their mother...
and when I'm a bad boy,
I go home to my mother.
Why couldn't camels do
the same thing? I think so.
Hey, we'll follow her trail right
into Algiers! That's a good idea.
Then when we get to Algiers, we'll go
down to the dock, take a boat and go home.
Good idea!
Now, stay on your toes.
What's the matter?
Come on.
Let's follow the camel
tracks. Now, watch out.
Bud.! Bud.!
I can't see anything.
Lou, there's no need of
kidding ourselves. We're lost.
If we don't find water
soon, we're goners.
I'm not gonna make myself believe that
people die of thirst on a desert...
by not finding any water! I'm
not gonna make myself believe it!
I won't believe it!
I believe it.
But this is not gonna happen
to me. I'm gonna get some water.
Someplace on this desert there
must be a place to get water!
Water? Have some. Yes. Thank you.
Hey, that skeleton asked me
to have a drink of water.
Easy, pal. It's only a
mirage. Don't crack up.
We'll find our way out of
here and find the patrol.
Look, how long can a man go
without water? I don't know.
Water! Water!
Look, we're saved!
Give it here, Lou. Hurry up!
You hold the cup. Water
at last! Okay. Pour it!
Lou, you've got to pull yourself
together. Give me a towel.
Men go crazy on the desert
following mirages. Oh, yeah,
but if you don't chase mirages,
how do you know they're mirages?
I mean...
I know, don't tell me.
I just saw a mirage.
I just saw a double-chocolate
Don't feel bad, Lou.
It could happen to anybody.
It could even happen to me. Come on. Yeah.
Get your New York
Daily Record right here.!
Extree.! Extree.! Read all
about the water shortage.!
Extree.! Get your Daily
Record right here.! Extree.!
Hey, boy, what are you doing way out here?
Can I help it if they gave me a bad corner?
Extree! Extree!
Read all about it!
I'll take a paper.
I just seen another one. Bud? What?
Are you sure you haven't
seen any of'em? No. No, Lou.
But I told you, it could
happen to me too. I...
Lou! Lou!
It happened.
Hey, Bud! You're making
a fool out of yourself!
There's nothing there
but sand! Oh, Lou! Lou!
Nice, cool water! Come on in! Into what?
Bud, will you come up and
shake the sand out of your ears!
Lou, come on in!
It's nice and cool!
Look, cold water, Lou.
Nice, cool water. Look, Bud, go
like that with your hand. Go ahead.
Look, Lou! Look!
He don't know that's sand.
You poor boy.
You're cracking up!
Now, Bud, come out!
Let me help you.
Oh, boy.
How was it? Wonderful! Wonderful!
It really was?
Bud. What's that? What? Sand.
Now, what's that?
Hey, Lou, when you get through
playing, I'll be asleep behind the rock.
Go ahead,
have a good time.
It ain't sand!
It ain't sand!
This is real water.
Come, come, Saleem. You swill
water like a thirsty camel.
I am not drinking.
I lost my false teeth.
And we will lose our heads if we
allow any Legionnaires to slip through.
Did you hear somebody
talking? Oh, nonsense!
First you're seeing things and
then you're hearing things. Relax!
At least we won't die of thirst.
I'm slowly starving to death.
Starving to death?
That's just in your mind!
It's imagination. You can
imagine you're starving to death,
you can imagine you're
eating a delicious dinner!
Say you're having soup,
a great big juicy steak...
I like spaghetti and meatballs. All right,
so you've got spaghetti and meatballs!
Mashed potatoes, peas, pie,
coffee! Chicken, chicken, chicken.
Chicken too!
Oh, boy!
Yeah. What are you doing? Chicken.
Put that down.
Where are you going?
I'm gonna get some water
and wash it down. Yeah.
Bud! Yes, yes, yes? Now what?
Somebody was here.
Bread! Now we can have
bread and water. Bread.
Oh, no! There's a lot
of fish in there, boy!
Fish. We're going to
have a nice fish dinner.
Oh, come on. Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!
Hey, you like fish,
don't you?
I love fish, buddy boy.
I love fish!
Boy, are we gonna
have a feast.
Get a nice big fish now
and build a fire,
cook it to a nice
golden brown. Mmm!
Hey, I got one!
I got one!
Wait a minute. Get it up! Get it up!
Look at that baby. Hold still now. Okay.
There we are. There you are. We gonna eat.
Wash him off and clean him
up. I will. I'll get him.
I'll get some more. Take it
easy. I can't get this son of a...
He's a fresh
little son of a gun!
I got another one.
There you are, boy.
Clean it up.
That's the stuff. Now we're getting places.
Lou, Lou, Lou, stop splashing the water.
You'll frighten
the fish away.
Hey. Hey!
I got another one.
There you are, boy. What
a feast. Clean that up.
Come here.
Come on.
Hey, where are
the fish I caught?
I know where I got 'em. Where
are they now? Did you eat 'em?
Where are they? Hey, don't
tell me you threw 'em back in.
Oh, no. He got 'em. Who got 'em?
Some fish that went
to Painless Palmer.
What are you talking about? I'll show you.
Mmm! Mmm!
Will you come up!
Not... again!
Why don't you
come up and fight!
What do you tease me like
that for? Hit it with a rock!
Hit him with a rock?
Give me a rock.
Help me with this big rock.
Come on, throw this right at him.
You're sitting on it!
What do you want me to do?
Hey. Oh, don't you wish this was a mirage?
- Well?
- Prisoners, Master.
Down on your knees,
you dogs!
Ah, yes, the Americans.
I remember you
from the slave mart.
It's a good thing
you didn't kill them.
He likes us.
Because now I shall have the
pleasure ofkilling you myself.
And please
be assured...
I shall conceive an
extremely painful death...
for both of you.
Take them away.
So you finally got him!
You came
to get us out?
I got myself in.
What's the meaning of this?
I thought these men were dead.
They will be shortly.
Take these swine away!
And see that nothing happens
to them until it's supposed to.
What are you
doing here?
Things are happening. I had
to get her out of Algiers.
Very thoughtful of you
to bring her to me.
She's French Intelligence.
She's already turned in Josef.
How much she knows about
us I don't know yet.
It will please me
to find out.
She'll liven what otherwise might
have been a very dull evening.
I'm afraid this evening you'll
be busy with other things.
A company of Legionnaires
is on the march to Fort Apar.
If you expect to hold the fort,
you better have your men there.
I made other arrangements.
Before we left, we mined the fort.
My men are waiting impatiently at a hidden
detonator for the reinforcements to arrive.
Hamud, you are a fool.
Axmann is using you.
There is no way
that you can win.
You just be pretty
and keep quiet.
And don't try to do anything about what
you've just heard. You're too beautiful to die.
Come with me. I'll see that you're
dressed in something more attractive.
This is a terrible
way to die.
Mister, can I tell you something? No.
You'll be sorry if you don't listen. No!
This may mean your life! No!
All I'm trying to tell you, is
that I am not tied to the post.
What is he talking about? How do I know?
I speak every language
but Greek.
But he's talking Arabic.
It's still Greek to me.
Shh! Shut up!
What was that? They're off at Santa Anita.
Ah, nonsense. Hot or cold,
we're left at the post.
A reception committee
for your American friends.
That one, the tallest,
is my cousin Abdullah...
for whom they've been looking.
What a time for them
to find him.
Oh, gee, they're nice people.
Just what did you tell them?
I said that Hamud's wrestlers
will now tear you apart...
with their bare hands.
You got something there!
You, you, you...
Oh, well, at least we've
all got to die sometime.
You've got nothing to worry about
though. You've lived a clean life.
Yeah, but I'd like to live a little
longer so I could dirty it up a little bit.
Boy, are we glad
to see you!
Yeah, listen, we'll forget
about the money you owe us...
if you tell Hamud not to have
his wrestlers tear us apart.
Swine! It'll be me
who'll tear you apart!
Don't worry. I won't
hurt you. But you said...
That was for the benefit
of my dirty crook cousin.
But we gotta make the act look good.
How about that Patterson routine?
Ow! Oh! Ow!
We gotta save Bud. I
wanna save both of you.
Hey, how about the Boston
routine, where you go nuts?
Yeah, okay. Give me the business. Okay.
I'm blinded.
I can't see.
- No, you stupid ox!
You've got the wrong one!
Don't, don't, don't!
Don't, you fool!
You listen to me, Bud.
Abdullah's on our side. He
was doing the Boston routine.
Well, let's get out of here. Come on!
You're hurtin' me. You guys gotta
help me get back to Brooklyn.
We gotta help you? Yeah. If I stay here,
I have to marry the sheik's daughter,
and is she a dog. Take a look.
What do you think? She's either a very
ugly girl or a very pretty monster.
Hey, we gotta help Bud.
Quick, give me the business! Okay.
Oh! He did it again!
I'm blinded. I can't see.
No, no, Abdullah!
Get off!
- You've got
the wrong one again!
Abdullah's helping us.
Abdullah's trying to kill us.
Yes, but he's still
helping us. Selfish.
Somebody stop them!
Stop! Stop!
Fine reception you arranged
for the Americans.
Come! This is our chance! Come on!
Come on!
Come on, Abdullah!
What did you do there?
All I did was...
Is that all you did,
Yeah, a small one.
Hey, buddy,
you're awful weak.
You ought to be like me. Eat
some of these Arabian apples.
That's an onion!
Stop, you fools!
Catch those Legionnaires!
This time they shan't escape me.
I'll kill them both
with my bare hands.
I told you not
to trust Abdullah.
I'll slit his throat!
And now...
You fools!
We must hurry. The whole
camp will be after us.
Axmann's jeep. Come on!
They got my jeep! Well,
why don't you go and get it?
Quick! Let's get out of here!
This is the sheik's harem!
And do not go in there!
That is his bath!
I'll keep
my eyes closed.
What are you trying to do,
get us killed?
Hurry! We must warn the Legion
that the fort is mined!
Now where
do we go?
I don't care where you go,
but get going!
They're gaining on us! You're in reverse!
Hey, you're goin'the wrong way.!
Hold the wheel!
Hold the wheel!
Come back! Come back! Excuse me.
We made it!
We are lucky! The Legion
has not reached the fort yet!
I think we lost the Arabs.
We found 'em again.
They're our own men!
That is the man
at the detonator!
They must think
we're Arabs.
This is our chance
to save the fort.
Go to those men.
Oui, oui.!
Where did he go?
Come on! Will you get going? I will not!
Arabs, sir.
The Legion!
Lafayette, here we come! Yeah!
Lafayette, we are leavin'.
Hey, we're not Arabs!
Oh, I couldn't convince 'em. No wonder!
We are dressed as Arabs.
They do not know who we are.
But they do!
Head for the fort!
Come on!
Hurry up!
Hurry up! Shut the doors! Shut them up!
Let me out.! Let me out.! Hey, that's Lou!
Ooh! I'll hold this.
You go get the detonator.
Okay. No, no, no, wait a minute!
Abdullah, we need you bad.
Let Lou hold the fort.
Who, me? You told me that...
Listen! Wait a minute! You told me
I was gonna... Come on, Abdullah!
Get the det...
Get the det-det...
Get that "dillionator. "
Bud! Bud!
No, you fools! Get ladders!
We'll go over the top!
Sheik Abdullah.
No! What have I done?
I killed my pal. Lou!
What have I done?
Don't tell me.
Lou. He's gone.
Oh, no, don't bother me.
Do you realize what I've done?
I killed the best
little pal I ever had.
He was such a sweet little guy.
Look it, he's gone.
I'll never be able
to see him again.
If he was only here so I could
get on my knees and apologize.
Go away. You don't... I...
Lou. Lou, it's you!
You're not dead? You're not hurt? No. No.
You're all right?
Why you dirty
double-crosser! You!
Present arms!
"Citation for valor, for
bravery in the face of the enemy,
"for unmasking and aiding in the
capture of a renegade and traitor.
"For valiant service above
and beyond the call of duty,
you have earned
this citation. "
What's he talking about? He's
gonna give you a citation.
Citation? What do I want
with a horse? What horse?
Citation. That gives me
another mouth to feed.
Private Lou Hotchkiss,
I decorate you.
You will write me,
won't you?
And now, to insure the continued honor
and glory of the Foreign Legion,
it is my pleasure
to present you...
with your honorable
There's a boat leaving
for the States in 20 minutes.
Be on it!
Yes, sir!
Company dismissed!
Thank you, Miss.
Come on, Abdullah.
Thank you for everything. Attention!
For valiant service,
I decorate you.
Come on. Hop in. If it's
all the same to you, Bud,
you ride in the front,
I'll ride in the trailer.
What have you got
in the trailer?
Oh, just a few knickknacks that I picked
up. I'm gonna take 'em home with me.
Knickknacks, eh?