Abbott and Costello Meet the Keystone Kops (1955) Movie Script
Poor girl.
You leave her alone or I'll
punch you right in the nose.
Sit down!
Any time you make
a date with me, keep it.
By the way, did you put your
aunt's $5,000 in the bank?
Money?
Yeah.
Tickets, please.
Tickets.
How many?
One.
You're cute.
You're silly.
So is your old man.
Willie, do you realize that
a person that puts money...
in this moving picture business
is gonna make a fortune?
Give me that money.
Now...
I got to put that in the bank
like my aunt told me to do.
Willie, listen to this. See it right
here? "Do you want to become rich?
"If so, invest in this new
entertainment medium, Motion Pictures.
"$5,000 cash buys
a fully equipped studio. "
Willie, opportunity
is knocking at your door!
Tell him I'm not home.
I went to the bank.
Wait a minute, Willie.
Have you no foresight?
I can see it up in lights now.
Piper's Phenomenal Pictures,
Willie Piper, President.
Harry Pierce, General Manager.
That's what will happen
if you give me the $5,000.
If I give you the $5,000, I'll
be Willie Piper the pauper.
Look, we're only borrowing the money.
We'll pay your aunt back in no time.
There's a fortune made
in these comedy pictures.
Comedies?
Yes.
Harry, I don't like comedies,
I like those dramatic pictures.
Where the little girl says to her papa,
"Papa, please, Papa, don't beat me...
"I beg of you, Papa,
don't beat me, Papa.
"I'll get the money for you,
Papa. Don't beat me, Papa. "
You should be ashamed of yourself,
beating up your son like that.
If I ever catch
you beating that boy again...
I'll report you
to the juvenile authorities.
Did you get hurt? What's the
idea of having me beat up?
I didn't mean to have you beat
up. Here, you can take the money.
I'll take the money
after I have you beat up.
Oh, don't. Now don't
strike your poor old father.
Don't strike
your poor old dad.
I'm your father, Son. Don't
hit me. Please don't hit me.
Harry. Here, listen.
Here, you can take the money,
but don't have me beat up.
Please, don't have me beat up.
Don't beat me up.
What did I just tell you?
You did it again.
I'm sorry, Harry.
Here, you can take my aunt's
money and buy the studio.
Thanks.
Could I have a receipt?
With pleasure.
Now if you'll sign right here, Mr. Piper,
this will complete the transaction...
and you'll become the proud owner
of the best studio in the country.
Mr. Gorman, if this is such a good
studio, why do you want to sell it?
Mr. Piper, that question shows
what a shrewd businessman you are.
The fact of the matter is,
I happen to own two studios...
this one in West Orange, New
Jersey and one in Brooklyn.
The long trip
is just too much for me.
So I'm selling you the studio
in West Orange.
Harry, don't you think we
ought to see this studio first?
Now, Mr. Gorman
is a very busy man.
Mr. Piper is perfectly right,
he should see it.
And busy though I am,
I'm going to show it to him.
Here's a picture of it.
Say, what's this sign,
"Edison"?
That's my middle name,
Joseph Edison Gorman.
Now, will you please
sign here?
Mr. Piper, Mr. Pierce, I want you
to meet one of my leading ladies...
Miss Van Cleef.
How do you do?
How do you do?
How do you do?
Darling, I don't
want you to get too upset.
I've just sold the West
Orange studio to Mr. Piper.
Thank heavens. I hated that
trip. The ferry made me seasick.
Well, best of luck, gentlemen, and if there's
anything I can do to help, just let me know.
Lots of success to you.
I withdrew all the money from the
bank. Let's make our getaway...
before those suckers scream
to the Bunko Squad.
They won't bother us. I've
got a new deal figured out.
Always a new deal, a new bunch of
suckers and then on the run again.
I can't take it any longer,
Joe.
No more running.
We're going legitimate.
The cops will be glad to hear that, after
they put you away for a long stretch.
The cops will be looking for
Joe Gorman who no longer exists.
Instead,
he will be the famous
European director...
Sergei Toumanoff.
How you gonna do this, with mirrors? No.
Nose job, a moustache, a marcel
toupee, that'll do the business.
Well, what about
the directing?
The only directing you've ever done
was to steer some sucker to his bank.
Look, Leota, in Hollywood it isn't what
you are, it's what they think you are.
We'll arrive there with such
a fanfare of publicity...
that every Hollywood bigwig
will roll out the red carpet.
The way you say it,
it sounds wonderful, Joe.
Not my finger.
Hit the head.
Two more suckers.
Hey, just a minute, mister.
I know. You bought the studio
from a man named Gorman.
You're right.
How did you know?
Follow me, sir.
Look at these.
"Cushman Studio. "
"Grant Productions. "
"Struthers Kinema Company. "
"Brent Studios. "
I don't get it.
Willie bought this studio.
I have the bill of sale
right here in my pocket.
They all had a bill of sale.
This plant belongs
to Mr. Thomas A. Edison.
This is the first motion
picture studio ever built.
It dates back to 1893.
It isn't used anymore.
No, but Gorman
used it to swindle Willie.
Now just a minute.
How am I gonna get my $5,000
back to give to my aunt?
You better report it to the Bunko
Squad. Good day and I wish you luck.
Thank you, sir.
What am I gonna tell my aunt?
Tell her anything. It's my own fault
for letting you talk me into this thing.
Come on, we'll try
and get your money.
What are you gonna
do with that sign?
Put it here
with the other ones.
When we get to California, how do
you know Gorman's gonna be there?
We'll wait for him. You
heard what the detective said.
They traced them all the way to the
train that was heading for the coast.
And then
they lost track of them.
I wish I'd lost him
before he found me.
Why didn't you tell me
the train was coming?
Where did you think that whistle
was coming from? A peanut stand?
I was trying to scare
you a little bit. Yeah.
Come on, if we're gonna
get Gorman, let's get going.
Harry, my foot is stuck.
Will you help me?
What's the matter?
Foot is stuck.
Let me see.
Don't get excited,
I'll throw the switch.
Hurry up, will you?
Throw the switch.
Throw the switch.
You made it tighter.
Harry, get up.
Harry, don't play like that now,
pull the switch will you, Harry?
Harry.
Willie. Willie.
Willie, tell me where it hurts.
Where does it hurt, Willie?
I'll get you to California if I
have to carry you all the way myself.
Going my way, fellows?
We sure are.
Why, you dirty double-crosser.
No, you don't.
No thanks, pop. We're in a
hurry. We're going to California.
So am I. Sure would enjoy
company on this trip.
Yeah, but we're in a hurry.
Thanks a lot.
Well, so long.
Come on. Let's go with the
poor old man to California.
We can get there
faster by walking.
Walking?
Certainly.
No, you don't.
Pick up those bags.
Pick up those bags.
Pick them up.
Didn't know we were
scheduled to stop here.
Next stop's supposed
to be Los Angeles.
Come.
Mr. Toumanoff?
Yes. We're Los Angeles
Police, come with us.
Well, I do not understand.
You will. Come on.
You're holding up the train.
You must give me time to change.
You will wait outside, please.
We didn't get very far,
did we, Sergei?
Twenty-three skidoo.
Would you mind telling me
why I am under arrest?
My dear Mr. Toumanoff,
you are not under arrest.
I am Rudolph Snavely, President
of Amalgamated Pictures.
And I took this means of
outwitting my competitors...
in order to sign you to your
first Hollywood contract.
But the police?
They are your escorts
to the City of the Cinema.
I going to like it here.
Come, my dear.
Hey, Willie.
Now it's your turn to ride.
No, not me, the train.
Come on.
Close that other door.
We don't want no railroad
detective to catch us in here.
Harry, we're in Los Angeles
already. Boy, we sure made good time.
Well, California,
here we are.
Pick up those bags. We got
to get back on the train.
Pick them up. Come on.
Be careful, boy.
Throw me the bag.
Willie.
Harry!
All right, I'm coming!
Willie.
Harry!
Hold on.
Hey, you hoboes. Where
do you think you're going?
Get off
before I throw you off.
Come on, Willie,
take it easy, boy.
What are you doing?
Come on, we can hide in here.
Jump.
What're you doing?
Stay down there!
Hey, you,
don't try to get away.
Here I come.
Hey, Willie, where are you?
Between the porterhouse
and the short ribs.
All right, you fellows, I know
you're in here. Come on, speak up!
Where do you fellows think
you're going? California.
Well, I hate
to disappoint you. Come on.
Wait a minute. You're not
gonna throw us off, are you?
Of course not.
Oh, pardon us, gentlemen, for
dropping in on your lunchtime.
Boy, that smells good.
That's more than
we can say for you.
Boy, do they need deodorizing.
Hey, they forgot the bread.
Wait a minute. Think of me once
in a while. I'm hungry, too.
Come here.
What's the matter?
Sit down and relax.
What's the matter?
Something happen?
I want to trade bread with you. Here.
How come you give me the biggest piece?
My mother told me to always give
my friends the biggest piece.
It's not like you.
Yes.
No.
Good, though.
Taste any meat?
I don't expect to taste meat
in a loaf of bread.
Try the other end.
Both ends are alike.
Try that one over there.
What're you gonna do? I'm
gonna look for that squirrel.
What's the matter?
What happened?
Hey, can I use your gun?
No.
I win. Excuse me.
Hey, get
a load of these dice.
One has all sixes and the
other one has all fives.
Those tramps. I think they're crooked.
I don't think they were branged up right.
Whoa.
Well, what happened
to you fellows?
Well, some tramps, they stole our
money and took away our clothes from us.
Well, hop in,
I'll get you to California.
No, thanks, we're still in a hurry.
But you could loan us some money.
Well, I can only spare $20.
I'll see that you get it back.
You keep quiet.
I'll give you an IOU for it.
All righty.
Just make the IOU out
right on that piece of paper.
Well. "I owe you $30."
But, I only gave you $20.
Well, $10 is for interest.
Here you are. Sign it.
It sure is nice to do business
with fellows like you.
So, good...
Good bye?
So long.
Don't try to figure it out.
I wonder how far $20
will take us on that train.
Hold it. No tramps allowed on here.
Beat it. Wait a minute. We're not tramps.
We got money. We want to pay our
way. How far will $20 take us?
This is no passenger train. I can't
collect fares, so it's no dice.
Say, there's nothing in
your regulations that says...
we can't gamble to see whether
we ride or not, is there?
Do you know how to shoot dice? No.
Do you know how to shoot dice?
Not with his dice. They've only got
two numbers on them. Sixes and fives.
We'll play with my dice.
And when you lose the $20,
I'm throwing you off the train.
And you do the shooting.
Come on.
Now, wise guy,
this $20 will get us no place.
Wait a minute.
Let me see those dice.
How am I gonna explain this to my wife?
Same way I'm gonna explain it to mine.
The old man
made it as fast as we did.
Let's give him the $20
we took from him. Come on.
We can't catch up to him.
I'll mail him the money.
Wait a minute. Where are you going?
I'm gonna give the old man the money.
Come back here.
Wait a minute, old man.
We've got your money.
Boy, the old man sure will
be surprised to see us.
Yeah. Will he be surprised
to get his money back.
Yeah. Hey, mister.
What happened to the old man?
Those dirty crooks, they
must have stolen the wagon.
Indians!
More action! More action!
More action!
More action.
How can a thing like this happen? Maybe
Custer hasn't finished his last stand.
If they catch us, will
they scalp us? I don't know.
More action!
Saved in the nick of time.
No driver.
Get in the driver's seat.
Grab the reins.
Get in there. Hurry up.
Get out of there!
Get out of there!
Cut!
Cut!
Cut!
We lost them.
That was a narrow escape.
You can stop the horses now.
The greatest Indian fight ever to be
filmed ruined by a couple of idiots.
Who are they?
What are they doing here?
Somebody answer me.
Shut up until I finish!
How's this?
What's the matter, Sergei? My
beautiful picture is ruined.
Killed
just as it was being born...
by those...
They are the ones! They!
The driver's wonderful. Look at him
drive. Get that camera on that action.
Snavely, I am the director.
I will tell the cameraman
what to do. Cut.
Yes, Mr. Toumanoff.
I am the producer.
Keep that camera turning.
Yes, Mr. Snavely.
But it will ruin
my beautiful picture. My epic.
Keep that camera
on that action.
They'll never make it.
It's suicide!
Cut.
That is the greatest stunt
I have ever seen.
I knew you would like it,
Snavely.
But I wanted to surprise you when
you saw it in the projection room.
Toumanoff, that stunt has
never been in motion pictures.
We'll build a whole story
around it.
You are a genius.
Come on, I want to talk
to that little stuntman.
Good.
Hey, you know, a guy could get
killed in one of these things.
No kidding.
More Indians.
We surrender. Will you tell your
brothers not to fight with us anymore?
My brothers?
Yeah.
Tell them not to shoot
any more arrows.
Didn't I, sort of, meet
you someplace before?
I've never been there.
Weren't you with...
No. I was alone.
Are you sure that you...
I haven't been there, either.
Hello, my dear.
How.
How?
I don't know.
Well done, my boy.
Congratulations. Mister...
This is Mr. Piper. Willie
Piper. I'm Harry Pierce.
We'd better get out of here. The
Indians have got us surrounded.
Mr. Piper, you can't tell me you're
afraid of motion picture Indians.
They're
motion picture Indians?
No. He's not afraid. I would
say that he fears nothing.
That stunt you just did was the most
hair-raising thing I have ever seen.
You are a daredevil.
Amalgamated Pictures
could use a man like you.
You mean working in a studio?
Working in a studio?
We could get a line on that
Gorman, that dirty swindler.
We could get the cops
to get after him. Right.
Hey, in this studio,
what would I be, the janitor?
Mr. Piper.
You have an excellent
sense of humor.
Mr. Snavely wishes
to engage you as a stuntman.
Stuntman?
Yes.
And if he will allow me to
direct you, I, Sergei Toumanoff...
will take very good
care of you.
It's a deal. From now on, you
will double for all of our stars.
Just how long will this job last?
Until something happens to you.
Come on, Mr. Piper.
You, Mr. Pierce, I'll ride you back to
my office and we'll sign the contract.
No.
Mr. Piper...
you maybe rest assured that I
will do everything in my power...
to locate this scoundrel
Gorman for you...
and get
your aunt's money back.
Thanks a lot, Mr. Snavely. Thanks
a million, Mr. Snavely. Come on.
Pardon us, Mr. Snavely.
Well, you gentlemen
are coming up in the world.
Is Mr. Snavely going to star
you? No. He's going to help us.
He's going to help us find
that crook named Gorman.
Well, I must tell
Mr. Toumanoff about this.
I'm sure he'll be happy to do
something about your finding Mr. Gorman.
Say, didn't I...
No.
I still think I know
that girl from someplace.
Look. What else can you offer me
for this job besides the money?
I will make
you my right-hand man.
Piper will double for you
in the airplane scenes.
He's going to double for me?
What are you trying to do?
Kill him or my career?
After I make him jump
from the plane today...
neither of us will worry about
our careers.
Well, of all the nerve.
I thought you were a girl.
I was supposed to be a
stuntman. Now, I'm a girl.
Listen, what is the difference?
That's too big a stunt for me.
We both want to find Gorman,
don't we?
Now, you're doubling for that
actress today. Keep your eyes open.
You know, there's something about
that girl that I seem to remember.
What do you mean?
It's a woman's intuition.
All you women are alike.
Piper.
Where is Piper?
You've got on the wrong
clothes. You can say that again.
Go change into your flying outfit.
Mr. Toumanoff is waiting. Hurry up.
Tut-tut, my good man, that's
no way to talk to a lady.
Excuse me. Are you a director?
Yes.
Could you tell me your name?
Mack Sennett.
It's Mack Sennett.
That's not Mack Sennett.
Are you sure
you're Mack Sennett?
Sweetheart.
That's Mack Sennett.
Stop the music.
What's the matter, boss? I just
had a fight with my conscience.
And?
I won.
When we arrive at the
rendezvous, Mr. Jason...
you will attack
the heroine's plane.
As you dive in on her, you will
fire one burst of ammunition...
in an endeavor
to shoot her down.
You will keep firing,
until she bails out.
That is the end of the scene. Is
that clear? Yes, Mr. Toumanoff.
Is everything fixed, Hinds?
Don't worry, Chief. I've weakened
every strut in Piper's ship.
And if that don't
do the trick,
I put live ammunition
in Jason's guns.
Hinds, if I was not the
genius, I would say you were.
Stop.
Are you ready, Piper?
Yes, sir.
The only thing I want to
tell you, Mr. Toumanoff...
every time I take one foot
off the ground, I get dizzy.
Mr. Piper, I personally have taken
every precaution for your safety.
Now, today you are doubling
our heroine...
who is flying to Washington for
a peace treaty with the Indians.
But, Mr. Toumanoff, there were no
airplanes when we were fighting the Indians.
Can I help it if I'm ahead
of my time? Do not interrupt.
I'm sorry.
You are flying toward the setting
sun... But, Mr. Toumanoff...
if Washington is in the east
and the sun sets in the west...
In my pictures,
the sun sets...
where I want it to set.
Excuse me.
You continue like a bird,
flying toward the setting sun.
Suddenly, you hear the roar
of a motor. You turn.
You see the renegade in his plane,
diving at you with blazing guns.
You're about to be shot down.
You are trapped. Helpless.
What are you going to do?
Tell him.
I'm going to quit.
Wait a minute.
Nonsense.
You parachute to safety.
Hinds, put the parachute
on Mr. Piper.
No, you don't. I'm taking no
chances. I'll put it on him.
Climb into the plane, Mr. Piper.
The pilot will be right here.
What about the pilot? He'll
never get into the plane.
And Piper? I've taken
care of the control stick.
The plane will go up
but Humpty Dumpty will fall.
Good.
I'll take care of the blocks.
Music.
Ready?
All ready, Mr. Toumanoff.
Fast music.
Camera.
Action.
What happened? They don't
know how to fly a plane.
They don't? Mr. Toumanoff
ain't going to like this.
I didn't know you could drive a plane.
I can't but you're doing a good job.
Who's driving?
Mr. Snavely,
my plane took off without me.
Good. Good gracious. Piper
will be killed. Killed?
I hope Toumanoff
gets it on film.
I didn't mean that,
of course, I...
Well, how can we stop them?
Piper, get out of the way.
You get out of the way!
Hey, Willie. Listen...
Willie!
What are you doing out there?
Give me your hand.
Bring it here.
Willie.
No! No!
What are you laughing at?
This is very funny, Mr. Toumanoff.
This is not supposed to be funny.
Now, Mr...
Now, Mr. Jason.
Now. Dive.
Hey. They're shooting
real bullets.
Some fool put live
ammunition in here. Pull up.
Give me that parachute.
No.
Mr. Toumanoff said
I should wear the parachute.
Don't be so selfish.
I'll use the parachute first. When we
hit the ground, then you can have it.
You'll be there before I will.
All right, then, I'll wait for you.
Watch out for the first step. It's a
high one. Never mind the first step.
This is sensational. That is an
understatement, Mr. Toumanoff.
Don't miss a second of it. I am a genius.
Let go of my pants, will you?
What will I hang on to?
You don't
have to hold on to my pants.
Let go of my pants.
Toumanoff!
Hold on, Piper. Hold on.
What's the matter?
Did you change your mind?
No, but I want more footage.
Follow them. Don't lose them.
Toumanoff!
Now look what you did.
Toumanoff!
Let go.
Keep grinding.
Keep grinding.
Let go of my shoe.
Let go of my shoe.
Cut.
Sensational, Mr. Toumanoff.
You are a genius.
How do you rescue them?
Yeah. How do you rescue him?
He comes up in a submarine.
I'll kill him. I'll kill him
if it kills me to kill him.
Ship ahoy! Toumanoff!
Are your rushes ready?
The cutter is just having the
operator put it on the machine.
Fine.
What do you suppose
is bothering him?
You don't think
he smells a rat.
Now, Joe.
Don't belittle yourself.
Don't get smart. Anything happens
to me, I bring you into it.
All right, Harvey. Run them.
Yes, Mr. Toumanoff.
What good is that stuff?
Anyone can tell it's the double.
It doesn't look anything
at all like Leota.
Why didn't you shoot
the back of Piper's head?
I tried to.
He turned his head.
How did Pierce
get into the plane?
He must have been a stowaway.
Don't worry. I take care
of that in the cutting.
I use only the longer shots.
Turn on the lights.
Harvey, was that you laughing?
I'm sorry, sir.
I couldn't help myself.
It's very funny. It is
not supposed to be funny.
You know, I think it is.
Who is in here?
Just yourself, Leota,
Mr. Snavely, Harry, and Harry.
Get out!
Get out!
Get out!
Sergei, if I were you...
I wouldn't speak that way to
Amalgamated's newest comedy team.
Piper and Pierce
a comedy team?
That's right. And you
will be their director. I?
I will have nothing to do with
comedy. I am a dramatic director.
Let's talk this over,
Mr. Gorman.
There is absolute...
Gorman?
A short while ago, Piper
came to me with a story...
of how he was swindled
by a con man named Gorman.
What has this to do with me?
I am Sergei Toumanoff.
There's no use denying it.
Without the mustache,
without the toupee,
without the accent,
you are Gorman.
I had the New York police
check your fingerprints...
and I have all of the evidence
in my safe.
This is preposterous!
Oh, drop the act, Joe.
Where do we go from here?
I have arranged that those
people you swindled...
shall be repaid
out of your salary.
And I have also arranged
that by your doing this...
no one will press any charges.
Because I believe that you
are a great comedy director.
And I can keep
the identity of Toumanoff?
And you can keep your accent,
and I will keep your money.
Of course, if you do not
wish to direct comedy...
I love it!
Then get writers
and start preparing a script.
But be sure that neither
of these boys does any stunts.
Mr. Snavely, I promise you, even
their doubles will have doubles.
All right, but remember, I'm holding
you responsible for their safety.
Yes, Mr. Snavely.
Come, my dear.
Harvey, run that film again,
please.
Everything's all set.
A torpedo friend of mine is
going to run over them with a car.
No.
That will ruin me.
They are my bread and butter.
If you kill them, you kill me.
But you wanted them killed...
so when they walk out of the
studio, a car's gonna hit them.
Now I have to save them
to save myself.
Imbecile!
How could you be so stupid as
to drop your dollar down there?
It could have been worse.
How could it be worse?
You could've dropped
your dollar down there.
He did it!
Please, don't die. Please.
Stop a car.
Somebody call an ambulance.
I'll call an ambulance.
He fainted.
Better give him some air.
Okay.
Fan him.
What's the matter?
He's got a bald head,
just like Gorman.
We better investigate!
Come on.
Well, the coast is clear.
It was nice of the fellows in the wardrobe
department to loan us these outfits.
Sure. Now you know what to do.
Yes, sir.
You're gonna
break inside that house...
and you're gonna get evidence to
prove that Toumanoff is Gorman.
Right. And if Toumanoff
captures me...
he'll never recognize
me with this mask on.
And if Toumanoff should happen
to call for a policeman...
that's me, I rush in and
I arrest you, and I...
Look, it's me.
Hello, Harry.
Quiet.
How dare you steal
from Toumanoff.
Operator?
Operator! Get me the police.
Did you phone
for a policeman, sir?
Yes. Arrest that burglar.
I'll prefer charges in
the morning. Yes, sir.
Harry, you're clumsy.
Come on, you crook.
Let's get out of here.
Don't forget to spell
my name right!
Toumanoff. Director Toumanoff.
Yes, sir.
Hey, did you find anything?
I'm no stool pigeon.
Hey, Harry, your voice sounds
funny with that mask on.
Hold this. I'm gonna
take the mask off and see.
So, you escaped and came back?
Go ahead, call the police.
We traced your call,
Mr. Toumanoff. Anything wrong?
Yes.
Why you let this man escape?
I never saw him before.
You never...
I saw you take him out of here
with your own hands.
Come on, Officer,
take me to jail.
I'll take you to jail,
me fine bucko. Come on.
Don't forget
to spell my name right.
Toumanoff. Director Toumanoff.
Nice work. Leave it, you
don't have to be so rough.
Now, let me go.
Willie, let me go.
Oh, yeah?
Did that crook
come back in here?
I told you before that he came
back. You just took him out of here!
I did? When was that?
When you took him away
the last time.
Now go search the grounds and
you'll find him, before I report you!
Did that burglar come back
here? I just told you he did!
You did? When?
Every time you ask me!
Now, go find him
before he does come back.
Yeah. Yeah.
Excuse me. Did that crook
come back in here again?
How would I know
if he comes back...
when I was just now
over there talking with you?
I wasn't standing over there
talking to you just now.
Go away.
Let him come and rob my house.
Just let me have a little peace.
Huh?
Have a little peace!
Oh, thank you.
I love turkey.
I'll go out and see if I
can get that crook right now.
Come in!
Any sign of him?
Didn't I tell you just now,
before you went out that window?
I never went out that window.
Didn't you just take
a piece of my turkey?
I hate turkey.
I think I could use a little
drink, too. I'm all mixed up.
Go away.
And don't come back!
Come in!
Hey, this turkey
was delicious.
Didn't you just tell me
you hated turkey?
Who, me? When?
When you took the drink.
Drink? I don't drink.
Get out! Get out!
Police! Police!
Did you call the police?
No. I just yelled
to hear the sound of my voice.
Arrest this man.
You're under arrest.
Wait a minute. Is your
name Willie? No, it's Mike.
Wait a minute.
I've got you, bub.
Did you
call for the police?
Didn't you just go out that door? No.
Well, you're going
out this one.
Relax and enjoy yourself.
Nothing was stolen.
Here's to the straight
and narrow path.
And...
to Hollywood's newest and
greatest comedy director.
Now that you don't want me to
do any more of your dirty work...
how about paying
me for what I have done?
You'll have to wait.
Snavely is holding
up my salary...
to square a little account
of mine in the East.
What about your past due account
you have here in the West?
Or would you like me
to tell him about our deal?
Be patient, Hinds.
He'll get your money.
And he can do it just
as easily by going straight.
Sure, let him go straight.
Straight to $75,000
in Snavely's safe.
But that...
That is the money for the
first Piper and Pierce comedy.
That's right. But it would
also pay me off...
and still leave plenty for a smart
director to make pictures in Europe.
Let's drink to it.
For heaven's sakes, stop playing
Jimmy Valentine and open the safe.
Snavely will be here
any minute.
Hey, I wonder who else has to
okay these before we make the test.
You're robbing Mr. Snavely.
Yeah. Now we know
that you're Gorman.
Well, boys, I guess
you've caught me red-handed.
You'd better phone the police.
You can't get away with that!
Come on.
Help! Help!
Don't worry, Mr. Snavely.
We'll catch those crooks.
Boy, are we lucky.
We'll ask those cops
to help us catch those crooks.
Fellows, we've got to catch those
crooks. They're getting away.
Are you with us? Sure. But
hurry up. We'll lose them.
Hey, Piper. Those are not
real policemen.
Hey, bring that patrol wagon
back. We're not ready yet.
They've got a wagonload
of cops after us.
Don't worry,
we'll lose them.
Hinds will be waiting at the airfield
with the plane ready to take off.
What are we gonna do now?
What are we going to do?
Can you drive?
Just like driving a bicycle.
How do you stop it?
I don't know.
They're still following us.
Well, let them follow us now.
Give me that.
Hold on.
Get out of the way!
Lay off.
Wait for me!
Come on. Come on.
Come back.
They're still following us.
Come on and push. Come on!
Where's Hinds? We can't
wait for him now. Hop in.
Contact?
Contact.
We got you, Gorman.
Arrest them, fellows.
You fools, those are the Keystone
Kops. They can't arrest me.
No, but we can,
Gorman! Hold it.
Lady,
get out of the plane.
Very well, my dear.
We must not keep
the gendarmes waiting.
So, the villain
is apprehended.
And justice triumphs.
Mr. Snavely, we saved
your money for you.
You leave her alone or I'll
punch you right in the nose.
Sit down!
Any time you make
a date with me, keep it.
By the way, did you put your
aunt's $5,000 in the bank?
Money?
Yeah.
Tickets, please.
Tickets.
How many?
One.
You're cute.
You're silly.
So is your old man.
Willie, do you realize that
a person that puts money...
in this moving picture business
is gonna make a fortune?
Give me that money.
Now...
I got to put that in the bank
like my aunt told me to do.
Willie, listen to this. See it right
here? "Do you want to become rich?
"If so, invest in this new
entertainment medium, Motion Pictures.
"$5,000 cash buys
a fully equipped studio. "
Willie, opportunity
is knocking at your door!
Tell him I'm not home.
I went to the bank.
Wait a minute, Willie.
Have you no foresight?
I can see it up in lights now.
Piper's Phenomenal Pictures,
Willie Piper, President.
Harry Pierce, General Manager.
That's what will happen
if you give me the $5,000.
If I give you the $5,000, I'll
be Willie Piper the pauper.
Look, we're only borrowing the money.
We'll pay your aunt back in no time.
There's a fortune made
in these comedy pictures.
Comedies?
Yes.
Harry, I don't like comedies,
I like those dramatic pictures.
Where the little girl says to her papa,
"Papa, please, Papa, don't beat me...
"I beg of you, Papa,
don't beat me, Papa.
"I'll get the money for you,
Papa. Don't beat me, Papa. "
You should be ashamed of yourself,
beating up your son like that.
If I ever catch
you beating that boy again...
I'll report you
to the juvenile authorities.
Did you get hurt? What's the
idea of having me beat up?
I didn't mean to have you beat
up. Here, you can take the money.
I'll take the money
after I have you beat up.
Oh, don't. Now don't
strike your poor old father.
Don't strike
your poor old dad.
I'm your father, Son. Don't
hit me. Please don't hit me.
Harry. Here, listen.
Here, you can take the money,
but don't have me beat up.
Please, don't have me beat up.
Don't beat me up.
What did I just tell you?
You did it again.
I'm sorry, Harry.
Here, you can take my aunt's
money and buy the studio.
Thanks.
Could I have a receipt?
With pleasure.
Now if you'll sign right here, Mr. Piper,
this will complete the transaction...
and you'll become the proud owner
of the best studio in the country.
Mr. Gorman, if this is such a good
studio, why do you want to sell it?
Mr. Piper, that question shows
what a shrewd businessman you are.
The fact of the matter is,
I happen to own two studios...
this one in West Orange, New
Jersey and one in Brooklyn.
The long trip
is just too much for me.
So I'm selling you the studio
in West Orange.
Harry, don't you think we
ought to see this studio first?
Now, Mr. Gorman
is a very busy man.
Mr. Piper is perfectly right,
he should see it.
And busy though I am,
I'm going to show it to him.
Here's a picture of it.
Say, what's this sign,
"Edison"?
That's my middle name,
Joseph Edison Gorman.
Now, will you please
sign here?
Mr. Piper, Mr. Pierce, I want you
to meet one of my leading ladies...
Miss Van Cleef.
How do you do?
How do you do?
How do you do?
Darling, I don't
want you to get too upset.
I've just sold the West
Orange studio to Mr. Piper.
Thank heavens. I hated that
trip. The ferry made me seasick.
Well, best of luck, gentlemen, and if there's
anything I can do to help, just let me know.
Lots of success to you.
I withdrew all the money from the
bank. Let's make our getaway...
before those suckers scream
to the Bunko Squad.
They won't bother us. I've
got a new deal figured out.
Always a new deal, a new bunch of
suckers and then on the run again.
I can't take it any longer,
Joe.
No more running.
We're going legitimate.
The cops will be glad to hear that, after
they put you away for a long stretch.
The cops will be looking for
Joe Gorman who no longer exists.
Instead,
he will be the famous
European director...
Sergei Toumanoff.
How you gonna do this, with mirrors? No.
Nose job, a moustache, a marcel
toupee, that'll do the business.
Well, what about
the directing?
The only directing you've ever done
was to steer some sucker to his bank.
Look, Leota, in Hollywood it isn't what
you are, it's what they think you are.
We'll arrive there with such
a fanfare of publicity...
that every Hollywood bigwig
will roll out the red carpet.
The way you say it,
it sounds wonderful, Joe.
Not my finger.
Hit the head.
Two more suckers.
Hey, just a minute, mister.
I know. You bought the studio
from a man named Gorman.
You're right.
How did you know?
Follow me, sir.
Look at these.
"Cushman Studio. "
"Grant Productions. "
"Struthers Kinema Company. "
"Brent Studios. "
I don't get it.
Willie bought this studio.
I have the bill of sale
right here in my pocket.
They all had a bill of sale.
This plant belongs
to Mr. Thomas A. Edison.
This is the first motion
picture studio ever built.
It dates back to 1893.
It isn't used anymore.
No, but Gorman
used it to swindle Willie.
Now just a minute.
How am I gonna get my $5,000
back to give to my aunt?
You better report it to the Bunko
Squad. Good day and I wish you luck.
Thank you, sir.
What am I gonna tell my aunt?
Tell her anything. It's my own fault
for letting you talk me into this thing.
Come on, we'll try
and get your money.
What are you gonna
do with that sign?
Put it here
with the other ones.
When we get to California, how do
you know Gorman's gonna be there?
We'll wait for him. You
heard what the detective said.
They traced them all the way to the
train that was heading for the coast.
And then
they lost track of them.
I wish I'd lost him
before he found me.
Why didn't you tell me
the train was coming?
Where did you think that whistle
was coming from? A peanut stand?
I was trying to scare
you a little bit. Yeah.
Come on, if we're gonna
get Gorman, let's get going.
Harry, my foot is stuck.
Will you help me?
What's the matter?
Foot is stuck.
Let me see.
Don't get excited,
I'll throw the switch.
Hurry up, will you?
Throw the switch.
Throw the switch.
You made it tighter.
Harry, get up.
Harry, don't play like that now,
pull the switch will you, Harry?
Harry.
Willie. Willie.
Willie, tell me where it hurts.
Where does it hurt, Willie?
I'll get you to California if I
have to carry you all the way myself.
Going my way, fellows?
We sure are.
Why, you dirty double-crosser.
No, you don't.
No thanks, pop. We're in a
hurry. We're going to California.
So am I. Sure would enjoy
company on this trip.
Yeah, but we're in a hurry.
Thanks a lot.
Well, so long.
Come on. Let's go with the
poor old man to California.
We can get there
faster by walking.
Walking?
Certainly.
No, you don't.
Pick up those bags.
Pick up those bags.
Pick them up.
Didn't know we were
scheduled to stop here.
Next stop's supposed
to be Los Angeles.
Come.
Mr. Toumanoff?
Yes. We're Los Angeles
Police, come with us.
Well, I do not understand.
You will. Come on.
You're holding up the train.
You must give me time to change.
You will wait outside, please.
We didn't get very far,
did we, Sergei?
Twenty-three skidoo.
Would you mind telling me
why I am under arrest?
My dear Mr. Toumanoff,
you are not under arrest.
I am Rudolph Snavely, President
of Amalgamated Pictures.
And I took this means of
outwitting my competitors...
in order to sign you to your
first Hollywood contract.
But the police?
They are your escorts
to the City of the Cinema.
I going to like it here.
Come, my dear.
Hey, Willie.
Now it's your turn to ride.
No, not me, the train.
Come on.
Close that other door.
We don't want no railroad
detective to catch us in here.
Harry, we're in Los Angeles
already. Boy, we sure made good time.
Well, California,
here we are.
Pick up those bags. We got
to get back on the train.
Pick them up. Come on.
Be careful, boy.
Throw me the bag.
Willie.
Harry!
All right, I'm coming!
Willie.
Harry!
Hold on.
Hey, you hoboes. Where
do you think you're going?
Get off
before I throw you off.
Come on, Willie,
take it easy, boy.
What are you doing?
Come on, we can hide in here.
Jump.
What're you doing?
Stay down there!
Hey, you,
don't try to get away.
Here I come.
Hey, Willie, where are you?
Between the porterhouse
and the short ribs.
All right, you fellows, I know
you're in here. Come on, speak up!
Where do you fellows think
you're going? California.
Well, I hate
to disappoint you. Come on.
Wait a minute. You're not
gonna throw us off, are you?
Of course not.
Oh, pardon us, gentlemen, for
dropping in on your lunchtime.
Boy, that smells good.
That's more than
we can say for you.
Boy, do they need deodorizing.
Hey, they forgot the bread.
Wait a minute. Think of me once
in a while. I'm hungry, too.
Come here.
What's the matter?
Sit down and relax.
What's the matter?
Something happen?
I want to trade bread with you. Here.
How come you give me the biggest piece?
My mother told me to always give
my friends the biggest piece.
It's not like you.
Yes.
No.
Good, though.
Taste any meat?
I don't expect to taste meat
in a loaf of bread.
Try the other end.
Both ends are alike.
Try that one over there.
What're you gonna do? I'm
gonna look for that squirrel.
What's the matter?
What happened?
Hey, can I use your gun?
No.
I win. Excuse me.
Hey, get
a load of these dice.
One has all sixes and the
other one has all fives.
Those tramps. I think they're crooked.
I don't think they were branged up right.
Whoa.
Well, what happened
to you fellows?
Well, some tramps, they stole our
money and took away our clothes from us.
Well, hop in,
I'll get you to California.
No, thanks, we're still in a hurry.
But you could loan us some money.
Well, I can only spare $20.
I'll see that you get it back.
You keep quiet.
I'll give you an IOU for it.
All righty.
Just make the IOU out
right on that piece of paper.
Well. "I owe you $30."
But, I only gave you $20.
Well, $10 is for interest.
Here you are. Sign it.
It sure is nice to do business
with fellows like you.
So, good...
Good bye?
So long.
Don't try to figure it out.
I wonder how far $20
will take us on that train.
Hold it. No tramps allowed on here.
Beat it. Wait a minute. We're not tramps.
We got money. We want to pay our
way. How far will $20 take us?
This is no passenger train. I can't
collect fares, so it's no dice.
Say, there's nothing in
your regulations that says...
we can't gamble to see whether
we ride or not, is there?
Do you know how to shoot dice? No.
Do you know how to shoot dice?
Not with his dice. They've only got
two numbers on them. Sixes and fives.
We'll play with my dice.
And when you lose the $20,
I'm throwing you off the train.
And you do the shooting.
Come on.
Now, wise guy,
this $20 will get us no place.
Wait a minute.
Let me see those dice.
How am I gonna explain this to my wife?
Same way I'm gonna explain it to mine.
The old man
made it as fast as we did.
Let's give him the $20
we took from him. Come on.
We can't catch up to him.
I'll mail him the money.
Wait a minute. Where are you going?
I'm gonna give the old man the money.
Come back here.
Wait a minute, old man.
We've got your money.
Boy, the old man sure will
be surprised to see us.
Yeah. Will he be surprised
to get his money back.
Yeah. Hey, mister.
What happened to the old man?
Those dirty crooks, they
must have stolen the wagon.
Indians!
More action! More action!
More action!
More action.
How can a thing like this happen? Maybe
Custer hasn't finished his last stand.
If they catch us, will
they scalp us? I don't know.
More action!
Saved in the nick of time.
No driver.
Get in the driver's seat.
Grab the reins.
Get in there. Hurry up.
Get out of there!
Get out of there!
Cut!
Cut!
Cut!
We lost them.
That was a narrow escape.
You can stop the horses now.
The greatest Indian fight ever to be
filmed ruined by a couple of idiots.
Who are they?
What are they doing here?
Somebody answer me.
Shut up until I finish!
How's this?
What's the matter, Sergei? My
beautiful picture is ruined.
Killed
just as it was being born...
by those...
They are the ones! They!
The driver's wonderful. Look at him
drive. Get that camera on that action.
Snavely, I am the director.
I will tell the cameraman
what to do. Cut.
Yes, Mr. Toumanoff.
I am the producer.
Keep that camera turning.
Yes, Mr. Snavely.
But it will ruin
my beautiful picture. My epic.
Keep that camera
on that action.
They'll never make it.
It's suicide!
Cut.
That is the greatest stunt
I have ever seen.
I knew you would like it,
Snavely.
But I wanted to surprise you when
you saw it in the projection room.
Toumanoff, that stunt has
never been in motion pictures.
We'll build a whole story
around it.
You are a genius.
Come on, I want to talk
to that little stuntman.
Good.
Hey, you know, a guy could get
killed in one of these things.
No kidding.
More Indians.
We surrender. Will you tell your
brothers not to fight with us anymore?
My brothers?
Yeah.
Tell them not to shoot
any more arrows.
Didn't I, sort of, meet
you someplace before?
I've never been there.
Weren't you with...
No. I was alone.
Are you sure that you...
I haven't been there, either.
Hello, my dear.
How.
How?
I don't know.
Well done, my boy.
Congratulations. Mister...
This is Mr. Piper. Willie
Piper. I'm Harry Pierce.
We'd better get out of here. The
Indians have got us surrounded.
Mr. Piper, you can't tell me you're
afraid of motion picture Indians.
They're
motion picture Indians?
No. He's not afraid. I would
say that he fears nothing.
That stunt you just did was the most
hair-raising thing I have ever seen.
You are a daredevil.
Amalgamated Pictures
could use a man like you.
You mean working in a studio?
Working in a studio?
We could get a line on that
Gorman, that dirty swindler.
We could get the cops
to get after him. Right.
Hey, in this studio,
what would I be, the janitor?
Mr. Piper.
You have an excellent
sense of humor.
Mr. Snavely wishes
to engage you as a stuntman.
Stuntman?
Yes.
And if he will allow me to
direct you, I, Sergei Toumanoff...
will take very good
care of you.
It's a deal. From now on, you
will double for all of our stars.
Just how long will this job last?
Until something happens to you.
Come on, Mr. Piper.
You, Mr. Pierce, I'll ride you back to
my office and we'll sign the contract.
No.
Mr. Piper...
you maybe rest assured that I
will do everything in my power...
to locate this scoundrel
Gorman for you...
and get
your aunt's money back.
Thanks a lot, Mr. Snavely. Thanks
a million, Mr. Snavely. Come on.
Pardon us, Mr. Snavely.
Well, you gentlemen
are coming up in the world.
Is Mr. Snavely going to star
you? No. He's going to help us.
He's going to help us find
that crook named Gorman.
Well, I must tell
Mr. Toumanoff about this.
I'm sure he'll be happy to do
something about your finding Mr. Gorman.
Say, didn't I...
No.
I still think I know
that girl from someplace.
Look. What else can you offer me
for this job besides the money?
I will make
you my right-hand man.
Piper will double for you
in the airplane scenes.
He's going to double for me?
What are you trying to do?
Kill him or my career?
After I make him jump
from the plane today...
neither of us will worry about
our careers.
Well, of all the nerve.
I thought you were a girl.
I was supposed to be a
stuntman. Now, I'm a girl.
Listen, what is the difference?
That's too big a stunt for me.
We both want to find Gorman,
don't we?
Now, you're doubling for that
actress today. Keep your eyes open.
You know, there's something about
that girl that I seem to remember.
What do you mean?
It's a woman's intuition.
All you women are alike.
Piper.
Where is Piper?
You've got on the wrong
clothes. You can say that again.
Go change into your flying outfit.
Mr. Toumanoff is waiting. Hurry up.
Tut-tut, my good man, that's
no way to talk to a lady.
Excuse me. Are you a director?
Yes.
Could you tell me your name?
Mack Sennett.
It's Mack Sennett.
That's not Mack Sennett.
Are you sure
you're Mack Sennett?
Sweetheart.
That's Mack Sennett.
Stop the music.
What's the matter, boss? I just
had a fight with my conscience.
And?
I won.
When we arrive at the
rendezvous, Mr. Jason...
you will attack
the heroine's plane.
As you dive in on her, you will
fire one burst of ammunition...
in an endeavor
to shoot her down.
You will keep firing,
until she bails out.
That is the end of the scene. Is
that clear? Yes, Mr. Toumanoff.
Is everything fixed, Hinds?
Don't worry, Chief. I've weakened
every strut in Piper's ship.
And if that don't
do the trick,
I put live ammunition
in Jason's guns.
Hinds, if I was not the
genius, I would say you were.
Stop.
Are you ready, Piper?
Yes, sir.
The only thing I want to
tell you, Mr. Toumanoff...
every time I take one foot
off the ground, I get dizzy.
Mr. Piper, I personally have taken
every precaution for your safety.
Now, today you are doubling
our heroine...
who is flying to Washington for
a peace treaty with the Indians.
But, Mr. Toumanoff, there were no
airplanes when we were fighting the Indians.
Can I help it if I'm ahead
of my time? Do not interrupt.
I'm sorry.
You are flying toward the setting
sun... But, Mr. Toumanoff...
if Washington is in the east
and the sun sets in the west...
In my pictures,
the sun sets...
where I want it to set.
Excuse me.
You continue like a bird,
flying toward the setting sun.
Suddenly, you hear the roar
of a motor. You turn.
You see the renegade in his plane,
diving at you with blazing guns.
You're about to be shot down.
You are trapped. Helpless.
What are you going to do?
Tell him.
I'm going to quit.
Wait a minute.
Nonsense.
You parachute to safety.
Hinds, put the parachute
on Mr. Piper.
No, you don't. I'm taking no
chances. I'll put it on him.
Climb into the plane, Mr. Piper.
The pilot will be right here.
What about the pilot? He'll
never get into the plane.
And Piper? I've taken
care of the control stick.
The plane will go up
but Humpty Dumpty will fall.
Good.
I'll take care of the blocks.
Music.
Ready?
All ready, Mr. Toumanoff.
Fast music.
Camera.
Action.
What happened? They don't
know how to fly a plane.
They don't? Mr. Toumanoff
ain't going to like this.
I didn't know you could drive a plane.
I can't but you're doing a good job.
Who's driving?
Mr. Snavely,
my plane took off without me.
Good. Good gracious. Piper
will be killed. Killed?
I hope Toumanoff
gets it on film.
I didn't mean that,
of course, I...
Well, how can we stop them?
Piper, get out of the way.
You get out of the way!
Hey, Willie. Listen...
Willie!
What are you doing out there?
Give me your hand.
Bring it here.
Willie.
No! No!
What are you laughing at?
This is very funny, Mr. Toumanoff.
This is not supposed to be funny.
Now, Mr...
Now, Mr. Jason.
Now. Dive.
Hey. They're shooting
real bullets.
Some fool put live
ammunition in here. Pull up.
Give me that parachute.
No.
Mr. Toumanoff said
I should wear the parachute.
Don't be so selfish.
I'll use the parachute first. When we
hit the ground, then you can have it.
You'll be there before I will.
All right, then, I'll wait for you.
Watch out for the first step. It's a
high one. Never mind the first step.
This is sensational. That is an
understatement, Mr. Toumanoff.
Don't miss a second of it. I am a genius.
Let go of my pants, will you?
What will I hang on to?
You don't
have to hold on to my pants.
Let go of my pants.
Toumanoff!
Hold on, Piper. Hold on.
What's the matter?
Did you change your mind?
No, but I want more footage.
Follow them. Don't lose them.
Toumanoff!
Now look what you did.
Toumanoff!
Let go.
Keep grinding.
Keep grinding.
Let go of my shoe.
Let go of my shoe.
Cut.
Sensational, Mr. Toumanoff.
You are a genius.
How do you rescue them?
Yeah. How do you rescue him?
He comes up in a submarine.
I'll kill him. I'll kill him
if it kills me to kill him.
Ship ahoy! Toumanoff!
Are your rushes ready?
The cutter is just having the
operator put it on the machine.
Fine.
What do you suppose
is bothering him?
You don't think
he smells a rat.
Now, Joe.
Don't belittle yourself.
Don't get smart. Anything happens
to me, I bring you into it.
All right, Harvey. Run them.
Yes, Mr. Toumanoff.
What good is that stuff?
Anyone can tell it's the double.
It doesn't look anything
at all like Leota.
Why didn't you shoot
the back of Piper's head?
I tried to.
He turned his head.
How did Pierce
get into the plane?
He must have been a stowaway.
Don't worry. I take care
of that in the cutting.
I use only the longer shots.
Turn on the lights.
Harvey, was that you laughing?
I'm sorry, sir.
I couldn't help myself.
It's very funny. It is
not supposed to be funny.
You know, I think it is.
Who is in here?
Just yourself, Leota,
Mr. Snavely, Harry, and Harry.
Get out!
Get out!
Get out!
Sergei, if I were you...
I wouldn't speak that way to
Amalgamated's newest comedy team.
Piper and Pierce
a comedy team?
That's right. And you
will be their director. I?
I will have nothing to do with
comedy. I am a dramatic director.
Let's talk this over,
Mr. Gorman.
There is absolute...
Gorman?
A short while ago, Piper
came to me with a story...
of how he was swindled
by a con man named Gorman.
What has this to do with me?
I am Sergei Toumanoff.
There's no use denying it.
Without the mustache,
without the toupee,
without the accent,
you are Gorman.
I had the New York police
check your fingerprints...
and I have all of the evidence
in my safe.
This is preposterous!
Oh, drop the act, Joe.
Where do we go from here?
I have arranged that those
people you swindled...
shall be repaid
out of your salary.
And I have also arranged
that by your doing this...
no one will press any charges.
Because I believe that you
are a great comedy director.
And I can keep
the identity of Toumanoff?
And you can keep your accent,
and I will keep your money.
Of course, if you do not
wish to direct comedy...
I love it!
Then get writers
and start preparing a script.
But be sure that neither
of these boys does any stunts.
Mr. Snavely, I promise you, even
their doubles will have doubles.
All right, but remember, I'm holding
you responsible for their safety.
Yes, Mr. Snavely.
Come, my dear.
Harvey, run that film again,
please.
Everything's all set.
A torpedo friend of mine is
going to run over them with a car.
No.
That will ruin me.
They are my bread and butter.
If you kill them, you kill me.
But you wanted them killed...
so when they walk out of the
studio, a car's gonna hit them.
Now I have to save them
to save myself.
Imbecile!
How could you be so stupid as
to drop your dollar down there?
It could have been worse.
How could it be worse?
You could've dropped
your dollar down there.
He did it!
Please, don't die. Please.
Stop a car.
Somebody call an ambulance.
I'll call an ambulance.
He fainted.
Better give him some air.
Okay.
Fan him.
What's the matter?
He's got a bald head,
just like Gorman.
We better investigate!
Come on.
Well, the coast is clear.
It was nice of the fellows in the wardrobe
department to loan us these outfits.
Sure. Now you know what to do.
Yes, sir.
You're gonna
break inside that house...
and you're gonna get evidence to
prove that Toumanoff is Gorman.
Right. And if Toumanoff
captures me...
he'll never recognize
me with this mask on.
And if Toumanoff should happen
to call for a policeman...
that's me, I rush in and
I arrest you, and I...
Look, it's me.
Hello, Harry.
Quiet.
How dare you steal
from Toumanoff.
Operator?
Operator! Get me the police.
Did you phone
for a policeman, sir?
Yes. Arrest that burglar.
I'll prefer charges in
the morning. Yes, sir.
Harry, you're clumsy.
Come on, you crook.
Let's get out of here.
Don't forget to spell
my name right!
Toumanoff. Director Toumanoff.
Yes, sir.
Hey, did you find anything?
I'm no stool pigeon.
Hey, Harry, your voice sounds
funny with that mask on.
Hold this. I'm gonna
take the mask off and see.
So, you escaped and came back?
Go ahead, call the police.
We traced your call,
Mr. Toumanoff. Anything wrong?
Yes.
Why you let this man escape?
I never saw him before.
You never...
I saw you take him out of here
with your own hands.
Come on, Officer,
take me to jail.
I'll take you to jail,
me fine bucko. Come on.
Don't forget
to spell my name right.
Toumanoff. Director Toumanoff.
Nice work. Leave it, you
don't have to be so rough.
Now, let me go.
Willie, let me go.
Oh, yeah?
Did that crook
come back in here?
I told you before that he came
back. You just took him out of here!
I did? When was that?
When you took him away
the last time.
Now go search the grounds and
you'll find him, before I report you!
Did that burglar come back
here? I just told you he did!
You did? When?
Every time you ask me!
Now, go find him
before he does come back.
Yeah. Yeah.
Excuse me. Did that crook
come back in here again?
How would I know
if he comes back...
when I was just now
over there talking with you?
I wasn't standing over there
talking to you just now.
Go away.
Let him come and rob my house.
Just let me have a little peace.
Huh?
Have a little peace!
Oh, thank you.
I love turkey.
I'll go out and see if I
can get that crook right now.
Come in!
Any sign of him?
Didn't I tell you just now,
before you went out that window?
I never went out that window.
Didn't you just take
a piece of my turkey?
I hate turkey.
I think I could use a little
drink, too. I'm all mixed up.
Go away.
And don't come back!
Come in!
Hey, this turkey
was delicious.
Didn't you just tell me
you hated turkey?
Who, me? When?
When you took the drink.
Drink? I don't drink.
Get out! Get out!
Police! Police!
Did you call the police?
No. I just yelled
to hear the sound of my voice.
Arrest this man.
You're under arrest.
Wait a minute. Is your
name Willie? No, it's Mike.
Wait a minute.
I've got you, bub.
Did you
call for the police?
Didn't you just go out that door? No.
Well, you're going
out this one.
Relax and enjoy yourself.
Nothing was stolen.
Here's to the straight
and narrow path.
And...
to Hollywood's newest and
greatest comedy director.
Now that you don't want me to
do any more of your dirty work...
how about paying
me for what I have done?
You'll have to wait.
Snavely is holding
up my salary...
to square a little account
of mine in the East.
What about your past due account
you have here in the West?
Or would you like me
to tell him about our deal?
Be patient, Hinds.
He'll get your money.
And he can do it just
as easily by going straight.
Sure, let him go straight.
Straight to $75,000
in Snavely's safe.
But that...
That is the money for the
first Piper and Pierce comedy.
That's right. But it would
also pay me off...
and still leave plenty for a smart
director to make pictures in Europe.
Let's drink to it.
For heaven's sakes, stop playing
Jimmy Valentine and open the safe.
Snavely will be here
any minute.
Hey, I wonder who else has to
okay these before we make the test.
You're robbing Mr. Snavely.
Yeah. Now we know
that you're Gorman.
Well, boys, I guess
you've caught me red-handed.
You'd better phone the police.
You can't get away with that!
Come on.
Help! Help!
Don't worry, Mr. Snavely.
We'll catch those crooks.
Boy, are we lucky.
We'll ask those cops
to help us catch those crooks.
Fellows, we've got to catch those
crooks. They're getting away.
Are you with us? Sure. But
hurry up. We'll lose them.
Hey, Piper. Those are not
real policemen.
Hey, bring that patrol wagon
back. We're not ready yet.
They've got a wagonload
of cops after us.
Don't worry,
we'll lose them.
Hinds will be waiting at the airfield
with the plane ready to take off.
What are we gonna do now?
What are we going to do?
Can you drive?
Just like driving a bicycle.
How do you stop it?
I don't know.
They're still following us.
Well, let them follow us now.
Give me that.
Hold on.
Get out of the way!
Lay off.
Wait for me!
Come on. Come on.
Come back.
They're still following us.
Come on and push. Come on!
Where's Hinds? We can't
wait for him now. Hop in.
Contact?
Contact.
We got you, Gorman.
Arrest them, fellows.
You fools, those are the Keystone
Kops. They can't arrest me.
No, but we can,
Gorman! Hold it.
Lady,
get out of the plane.
Very well, my dear.
We must not keep
the gendarmes waiting.
So, the villain
is apprehended.
And justice triumphs.
Mr. Snavely, we saved
your money for you.