Actor for Hire (2015) Movie Script

- You spaghetti slurpin' rat,
you wanna be number 44?
Uh, so whenever
you guys are ready,
I can just go ahead and start.
- Go.
- Okay.
Uh, I'm Jesse O'Neill,
and I'm reading
for Donny Donovan.
- Yeah?
- Um, yeah.
You think you're better than me?
- No, I don't. Um...
- Well, that's how ya actin'.
You know who I am, don't you?
Everybody know who you are.
You are the best hitman
in New York City.
42 people I whacked,
you spaghetti slurpin' rat.
You wanna be number 44?
- Look, I'm very sorry,
but wouldn't that make me 43?
- Yeah.
I'm gonna do your wife first.
Then, I'll whack the broad.
- Okay.
- All right, I got
ya meatballs right here.
Come and get 'em.
Bolognese servin' it up...
- Okay.
That's good, Jeffrey.
- Oh, I'm Jesse.
- We're looking
for someone with hair,
but thanks for coming in, Jerry.
How are you and Ace doing?
- Oh, my God! Great.
Isn't he such a cutie?
I love him.
- Yeah.
- Oh, by the way,
we need a new roommate,
so just let me know
if you know of anybody.
Especially needs to be clean.
- Okay.
Not handling any dirty people...
- Hello.
- Hola.
'Sup, dudes?
So I'll just go ahead
and grab this mark right here.
- Um, can you slate
to the camera, please?
- For sure.
Jesse O'Neill,
reading for Tanner.
- You are sad because
you can't get what you want.
You love
your best friend's wife.
- Dude.
Listen, man.
I've loved her
ever since that day
we met in Zuma,
at the bungalow bar.
We were at the beach...
- That's good enough.
We don't think
you're right for the part,
but thanks for coming in.
Now, that's sad.
I think you're right
for the part.
- Really?
Welcome to "Between
the Waves," Jesse O'Neill.
Ay, Dios mo, Jesse O'Neill.
- Oh, my God!
Thank you so much!
He's so the right guy
for this part.
- Yes!
Oh, yeah...
Whoa! Whoa!
This is not what it looks like.
This is not what...
Chamomile, anyone?
- So, um...
Rob and I are
kind of together now.
Why are you wearing that wig?
I don't even know
who you are anymore.
- Hey, Mama.
- Mr. Hollywood,
how are you?
- Leo!
- What?
- Guess who's
on the phone?
Mr. Hollywood!
Tell him I said hi!
- Remember that
blonde girl Veronica?
Yeah, the one I didn't like.
- Ma.
- I ran into her
in the supermarket
and oh, my God,
she blew up like a blimp.
- I'm thinkin' about
coming home, Ma.
- You're thinking
about coming home?
Oh, that's fantastic.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Listen, I'm making
something special tonight,
'cause I could bake something
and I could freeze it!
- Yeah... no... I...
I'm thinking about
coming home for good.
- Jesse?
- Ma?
- Jesse I'm gonna have
to call you back.
Give my love to Hollie!
- Mom?
- Leo!
- What?
- Guess who wants to come home?
- Hey.
- Hey, what can
I do for you today?
- I'm here to see the place.
- Oh, my God. Jesse!
What happened to your hair?
- Um...
I... I was...
I was wearing a wig.
- I love it.
I love it. I love it.
Come in, come in, come in.
Go, Ace. Go.
Cha cha, cha cha.
I love him.
He's so cute.
Anyways, let me
tell you something.
That casting the other day
was delightful.
And the wig...
you must have some
very healthy balls
down there to pull that off.
Anyways, let me show you around.
This is the living room.
This is, you know,
a very decent,
regular-sized kitchen.
You know, we keep a lot
of freeze pops in there
just in case, you know...
a dry throat
or something like that.
We also have a shared bathroom.
- That... that... that's fine.
- Door's always open.
- Always?
- Would you like
to see your room?
- The ad said that
you were an actor
looking for an actor roommate,
but aren't you
a casting director?
- Yes, but that's my side job.
Something I actually
acted my way into
and just pays the rent.
What about you?
- Um, well...
I mean, look,
there's this one thing
and I totally understand
if you can't...
- Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Are you nasty?
- What?
No, no, no.
I... Look, it's just,
I don't have the money
to pay you up front
right now and...
I definitely can pay you
when I get the check
from that part
in a couple of months and...
I do have a side job
waiting tables,
but they just don't...
- Shh...
You're approved.
- What? Really?
- Yes. Welcome to
your new home, Jesse.
- My G... When can I move in?
- Tomorrow.
- Oh, my God.
Thank you so much!
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
- You're so strong!
- How about just a cheers?
- I haven't even gotten
your name yet, by the way.
- Johnny.
- Hi.
- Oh. Bee-tee-dubs...
we have a big
party this weekend.
- Okay, cool.
What kind of party?
- Huh
Gettin' funny in here
Somebody help me
Well, it's gettin'
funky in here
- Keep on
Keep on
Keep on
- If you feel
what I'm sayin'
Give me your right arm
Welcome to the city
That's full of dreamers
Some are friends
While some are schemers
- Oh. Sorry, dude.
- Keep on swinging
- Wanna get out of here?
This is my friend Najee.
- Yeah.
All right, come on, let's go.
Been in character
all week, you know.
And I'm not gay.
- What?
I mean, is your name
really Johnny or...
- No, man.
My name is Jandres.
And my agent called
and said that the gay part
fell through, so...
- Well, that's awesome, man!
- I mean, not that
you didn't get the part
or that you're not gay, but...
So you're like a method actor!
- Yeah, you could say that.
- And you got an agent, too.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's great, man.
- Maybe... maybe one day
I can introduce you guys
so, you know,
you could talk.
- Yeah! Yeah!
- Right now we gotta
go celebrate though.
You're invited.
It's on me.
- What are we celebrating?
- Well, one, we're roommates...
and second...
the fact that I got
a supporting role
in a studio film!
- What?
- You know it!
- Nice!
Listen, listen.
Sarah gets off
in ten minutes, all right?
She's got so many
friends, all right?
Even for you, buddy.
- We gonna knock it
out the park.
- We gotta go.
- All right.
To the time of our lives, pal.
And to the beginning
of a beautiful friendship.
Redneck John, let's go, big man.
Nice meeting you,
nice meeting you...
- Come in.
Can I help you?
- Hey, I'm Jesse.
I'm looking for...
- Have a seat,
heave a seat,
have a seat.
So, Jandres told me
that you just booked
a pretty big TV pilot.
What's up with that?
- I honestly
don't know, actually.
I... they just gave me
a call time and a shoot date
and just told me
to show up on set...
- Jandres tells me you're
a pretty good actor, too...
without representation.
- Well, yeah. That's what
I wanted to talk to you about.
- Oh, I see.
- Well, we're kinda...
overloaded as it is
right now unfortunately, so...
- So there's no more spots, or...
- We're a boutique
agency, Jesse.
You know, quality over quantity.
Surely the big agents can
get you meetings anywhere.
Of course they can.
Of course. They're big agencies.
But don't forget,
you gotta compete
with 30 other people
that they also represent, right?
No loyalty.
Let's say you do strike it big.
Let's say you do make it.
Would you remain loyal to us
or would you move on
to a bigger agency?
- Of course...
I mean, of course
I'd stay loyal,
not of course I'd go
with the other agency...
- You don't wanna be
an actor, do you?
Anybody could be an actor.
There's two million of 'em that
are surrounding us right now.
My dad can be an actor,
and he's living in Phoenix.
20! 2-0 just got off
the train or bus right now.
- So you're saying I should
just pack up and go home or?
Listen to me
very carefully, okay?
I'm gonna tell
you a little secret.
You don't want to be an actor.
You want to be a star.
Do you know
the difference between
an actor and a movie star?
- Celebrity friends?
- Marketability.
- So will you represent me
or do I need marketability?
- What makes you special?
What makes you special?
Why do you, you...
why do you want
to be a movie star?
You're on a trial period.
Let me know how
that pilot works out for ya.
- Rolling, rolling.
Can I help you?
- Hey! I'm Jesse.
- Shh!
- Oh!
For the part of Tanner.
- Oh. You're late.
Come on.
- Girl, did you go there?
- A hard man is hard to find.
- Oh, it's so true... Hi.
- Can I get you anything?
Juice, Perrier, croissant?
- Uh... no. Thank you.
- Okay, sweetie.
I'll take you right here.
- Hurry up now.
You gotta tell me more, girl.
- Yes, I'll fill you in.
- Um, they, uh...
they said that
I could arrive like this.
- "They"?
- Who did?
- The...
They said I was good.
- Lord.
I'm going to Crafty, Julia girl.
- Yeah, you have fun girl.
I'll be there soon.
- Don't work too hard.
- Never never ever.
Nice skin!
- Look at this beautiful...
- How much longer, Julia?
Girl, I just started!
Give me five minutes, okay?
- Tanner to wardrobe,
we're looking at
an ETA of two minutes.
- What the hell are we doing?
Come on! Let's go!
- Tanner?
- Yes, sir.
- How you doing?
- Hey. Jesse.
- I'm Bryant. Let me
show you your mark.
Okay, you're gonna
stand right here.
- Right here?
- Right there.
Okay. Good.
- Okay, what are we waiting on?
- It's Joel, sir.
- He's not here yet.
- Hi, I'm Beth.
Playing the part of Keela.
- Hey. Jesse. Tanner.
- Where the hell is Joel?
Okay, Joel's here now.
Mark. Camera mark.
- Hey, man.
Okay, let's do this, people.
- Scene 5B. Take one.
- Okay. Ready, Joel?
- Bro...
you know it's nothing personal.
Just trying to do my thing.
It just so happens that
the person I'm doin' it with
is your ex-wife.
No hard feelings though, bro.
It's all...
between the waves.
- Cut! Mark it! Turn around!
- Nice.
- I'm free
till after lunch, yeah?
- Okay. How we feeling, Jeremy?
You okay?
- Uh. Yeah is...
is he coming back?
He only does one take per shot.
It's in his contract.
Camera rolls.
Sound speed, here we go.
- Scene 5B, take one.
Sound, let's go.
- Action.
Bro, you know
it's nothing personal.
Just trying to do my thing.
And it just so happens to be
the person I'm doing it with
is your ex-wife.
No hard feelings, bro?
It's all be...
- Okay, hold the roll.
Hold the roll.
Okay, look guy, don't look
over here man, okay?
Just keep focused on Joel.
Okay? Action.
No hard feelings, bro?
- Bro.
- Cut.
Okay, look, man we can't
use this guy anymore.
Just pull someone
from background.
- Okay, okay. Danielle?
- Hi!
I just love bald men.
- Actually, extra Crafty
is over there.
- Yeah?
- Uh, hey!
Um... I just wanted
to say great job back there.
- Do I know you?
- We just did a scene together.
- Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I'm sorry to
bother you though.
Have a good one.
- Come in.
Sorry, mate. I've...
had a rough couple of weeks.
Lady problems.
- Yeah, me too!
My girlfriend, she just...
she just cheated on me
with my roommate.
- Oh, wow.
- Oh...
- So, how long you been acting?
- Um...
for a couple of years now.
Yeah. Couple of years.
I didn't know
you were an Australian.
- Yeah, mate.
Not many people do.
The American thing,
it's kind of just like...
a persona.
- Persona.
- So...
got any more scenes on the show?
- Um... yeah.
You know, they told me
I got a few more
days for sure.
- Cool.
When I booked
"Werewolf Journals,"
six years ago,
changed everything for me, man.
You gotta be smart though.
Now, I'm doing movies.
Good ones.
I'm just...
just doing this pilot
as a favor to the producer,
who's a friend.
But anyway, you seem
like a cool guy, so good luck.
- Well, thanks for talking to me.
You know, and...
- Chuck your number in.
You know, I'll call you
so you got mine.
- Yeah?
- Nice to meet ya.
- You too!
- Have a good day.
- All right. I'll see ya.
Thank you, Mr. Hogan.
Thank you.
- Have a good one.
The director...
he's replaced me.
- Wow.
Well, that's the first for me.
All right, trial period's over.
- What does that mean?
- It means
I'm not representing you.
That's what that means.
Oh, and tell Jandres
to stop avoiding me, please.
It's only 10%.
Oh, and grab
his scooter too
when you leave.
That'd be great.
- Scooter? What scooter?
- Yeah, he must have
left it here last week
or something.
Somebody must have came
and picked him up.
I don't know.
You'll see it though.
It's the one down there that's
leaking oil all over the place.
You'll be fine.
It may take another
two to four years
until you get
your next break, but...
call me when it happens.
Don't forget the scooter.
- I don't know.
- I'm just worried, that's all.
- Well, hello, beautiful.
My name's Najee
and you're new here.
- Yeah. Hi, I'm Katie.
- Hey, Katie.
I'm Greg.
It's so nice to meet you.
Where's Sarah?
- Oh...
Sarah packed and moved
back to Florida.
- Oh, that's too bad.
But you know, it's a good
thing you're here now though.
- And what's your name?
- I'm Jesse.
- Hello, Jesse.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
Jesse here...
was just telling us
that our friend, Jandres,
has been missing
for like about a week.
- Oh!
- Yeah. He's done this before,
but not this long.
- Hey, listen, Katie.
I was, I was just thinking,
you know,
I can't tonight
'cause I got plans
with these guys,
but maybe this weekend
you and I could
- go get into something?
- A little fun?
- Hey, bro, your manager
is calling you right now.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You may want to go handle that.
- Just one sec. Sorry. Hello?
- Okay.
- Yeah, you can't
go out with that fool
because you're gonna
be going out with me
this Friday at 8:00.
- Hello?
- You want to take me out too?
I'm just kidding.
No, it's cool.
I'll get you some more.
- Sure.
- Yes!
- Hey, mate!
Thanks for coming.
- Hey, Joel.
How are you?
- I had a big night.
Pretty sore.
How you doing?
- I'm good.
- Come on in.
Wow, man!
- Come. Sit.
You want some?
- Oh, no. No. Thank you.
- Is everything okay?
- You remind me of me
when I was coming up in LA.
You seem like
a real honest dude, man.
Honest people...
Hard to find in this town.
There's nothing but lies and...
and whores.
- You know, I would love
to hear any advice
you have for me
on my acting career.
- That's why I invited you over.
I'm gonna help you.
Having a big party tonight.
Gonna introduce you
to some players in town
if you don't mind
sticking around.
I got some clothes
you can borrow.
- Yeah!
- Yeah?
- Yeah!
- There we go, man. Sick.
You wanna see the rest of it?
- Yeah. Yeah, let's do it.
Excuse me, ladies,
this is my friend Jesse.
This is Cynthia,
producer on "Between the Waves."
Jesse's in it with me.
He's playing the part of...
Which part are you playing?
- Um... Tanner.
- Tanner.
- Nice meeting you, Jesse.
- Nice to meet you too.
- You have wonderful hair.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you so much.
- What's your secret?
- I...
- Jesse?
What are you doing here?
- Um...
- Can I talk to you
for a second?
- Um, yeah.
One second.
- Who is that?
Use my bedroom upstairs.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice meeting you.
- Chicks love him.
It's the hair.
He's got great hair.
- I think that's it.
- I mean, you're
supposed to be here,
but here working.
- What?
- Well, you're on the schedule
to work, Jesse.
- I didn't know I was
on the schedule to work, Hollie.
- Well, why would you be here
if you didn't know?
- That's what I'm trying
to tell you, Hollie.
I've been here all night.
- The boss is coming.
It's dirty, but at least
you won't get fired. Just go.
Go, go, go, go.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Is that a new tie?
- Um... yeah, it is.
- I like it.
- Thank you.
Okay. Back to work.
- To work.
- Oh! Where have you been?
- Uh...
- Huh?
- I...
- Oh, you ol' dog!
Did you hurt her?
She was practically
panting for it, man.
There's some people that
I want to introduce to you.
- Okay.
Excuse me...
Are you new here?
- Um...
Yes, sir. I am.
My very first night, sir.
- Are those Levi's?
- They're Wranglers.
- Wranglers.
- Yes, sir.
- Mm.
- I'm sorry.
It won't happen again.
Thank you, sir.
- Clean up so we can go home.
- Nice. Thanks, mate.
Do I know you?
Nope! But I know you!
Can I have
your autograph, Mr. Hogan?
- Maybe later, mate.
- Huh?
- Maybe later.
Hey, buddy.
Sorry, man.
Keep getting hounded
by the ol' girl.
You okay?
- We met on "Werewolf Journals,"
season four.
She came in for an arc...
and then...
she was my girl.
She left her boyfriend
at the time... for me.
- I know how you feel, man.
- And then...
she left me...
for a new co-star.
- Joel?
- Joel! Joel!
- Remember that girl
from tonight?
- Yeah.
- That was my ex-girlfriend.
The one who cheated on me
with my roommate.
- Whoa, man.
You're a real honest dude.
- Let's get a drink, man.
Let us drink!
Pour the wine!
- We are stopping
at our first Hollywood landmark,
the Hollywood sign.
Me and my girlfriend
say, "Hello!"
Just drove across
the country for 3,000 miles.
And we stopped
at In-N-Out!
- You're wasting a lot
of space on my phone.
Can we put it away?
- Okay. Okay.
There it is!
I think you just keep
going straight up here.
- Uh, yeah.
- Here, let's take a picture.
- Where?
- One right there.
- Okay.
- Give me a big... big smile.
Now do one with, like,
your hands up, like you're
holding the sign or something.
No, like both hands.
Both hands up...
- Was that good?
- No, hang on, you gotta
put 'em back up again.
One more time.
I missed it.
- Okay. Okay.
- I missed it.
Put 'em a little bit
closer together.
- Good. All right.
- Put my hands closer together?
More together!
- Jesse, just
take the damn picture.
- All right.
All right. Here.
- Excuse me, sir, would you mind
if you take one of me
and my girlfriend?
It would just take a second.
- Uh... yeah.
Here. Please.
You just hit
this button right here.
Yeah, just hit
that button right there.
I got an iPhone, yeah, thanks.
- Babe?
You all right? You ready?
- She... Hang on.
She's gonna come right back.
- How 'bout we just
get one of you, bud?
I gotta go.
My family's in the van.
- Just me? Okay.
- Yeah.
You want a close one?
- Yeah.
- I can help you out there.
What's your name?
I'm Jesse.
- Jesse!
- Hey!
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
- Sorry about Miguel, man.
He likes to start early.
- Oh, no, it's no problem.
- You have a good night?
- I had a great night, man.
- Oh, yeah.
Dude, this thing looks
dangerous as shit.
- Yeah, it's not that bad.
- You should just
use one of my cars.
- That'd be nice,
to use one of your cars.
- Take the wagon.
- Take the wagon?
- I trust you.
- Take the wagon?
- See ya around, man.
- Oh...
- Snow
I want to be in snow
Scenery is lovely and oh
I want to be there with you
There in the fabulous air
We can be free
of all care
I wanna be there with you
All the world's
a wonderland
A winterland for two
All it needs
to be complete
Is sharing it with you
And oh, you know
that I love you so
- Help you?
- Um, yeah.
- Help you?
- I...
Hi, I'm Jesse.
I'm staying with Jandres.
I just found this on the door.
There must be some
kind of mistake.
- That's what Jandres
is or Dreas or whatever
his name is.
That's his second notice.
Are you on the lease?
- That dog better shut up!
- How much does he owe?
- Three grand.
- Can I grab Ace at least?
Who the hell is Ace?
- The dog.
- I don't recall a pet deposit.
- Is it rolling?
- Yeah, man.
- Okay.
- Where the hell
did you get chains from?
You know casting directors
don't like that shit.
- Dude, it's dedication, bro.
They love this shit.
I'm Greg Perrow,
and I'm reading
for the role of Zurk.
You shouldn't
have come here, Princess.
I can't protect you here!
The Gozorgs are spreading
in their numbers,
and I fear that I might have...
I fear that I might have to...
I fear that...
Man, just one more time!
- Aw, hell nah! Cut.
I'm done. I'm done.
- That's like the fifth time!
- My God, this is so
perfect for me, bro!
Please just one more?
- No! That's five times already.
- Come on, man. Really?
- I'm done, man!
I'm done!
- Really?
I even bought
these chains and stuff, dude.
- Are you serious?
I'm done.
Yo. You need to
audition for anything?
You know I gotta $35 special
going on this month,
but since you the homie,
I'll give it to you for $20.
- No, I'm good.
Thanks, man.
Do you guys have any idea
where Jandres is?
He never paid the rent
in our apartment,
so I came back
and I found this
and now we're kicked out,
and I have no place to stay now.
- Damn.
- What?
- Well, he's disappeared before,
but never like this.
Nah. But you know he loves
what he does, man.
He's probably just filming
that film that he was filming.
- That ended like a week ago.
- You guys think that maybe
I could stay here
for a couple of days
or something or?
- Uh... well you could,
but, um...
I got someone who's coming,
who's supposed to be staying
for like about a week, and...
they need the couch, so...
- Well, you could stay the night!
And Ace,
we'll definitely keep him.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Aw, damn!
- Oh! Come on, Ace!
- Aw, hell nah.
Oh, Mr. Popular.
- Hello?
- Jesse, are you busy?
- Uh, no. Not at all.
What's up?
- Um...
Well, I have some good news.
Great news, actually.
I want to tell you
in person, though.
You free tonight?
- Um...
What about right now?
- Okay, well, um, yeah.
I'm over at Venice Canal,
so meet me here.
- Okay, cool. Yeah. Um...
Can I bring some friends?
- Yeah, absolutely, man.
I gotta go though.
Okay, see you buddy.
- So you guys wanna go
hang out with Joel Hogan?
- I wanna be there with you
I wanna be there
with you
Okay, and...
Dang, that is him!
- Just give me five minutes.
Here you are.
Here is your model.
Brother, how are ya?
- What's up, man?
Did they not call you
about promo photos as well?
- Oh!
Well, they've got
something for me
this next week we're doing.
- Okay.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is Najee and this is Greg.
- Hey, man. How's it going?
- Najee.
- What's up? Big fan, man.
- Oh, yeah?
Pleasure to meet you guys.
Friends of Jesse's,
friends of mine.
Excuse me one sec.
- No problem.
- All right, cool.
- Do you remember Cynthia?
From my party?
Producer on "Between the Waves."
- Um...
- Are you all right, man?
You kind of seem a little...
glazed over.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's nothing.
- Ooh, yes.
- So, um, look, dude.
You know
what I was thinking?
- I'mma go holler at her.
I was thinking, you know,
maybe you should go over there,
hold it down,
and then I can go up there
and get her number.
- We both know
that I'm the ladies' man
and you're the...
you know.
- I don't know who...
- I got kicked out
of my place today.
Um, my roommate...
he... he didn't
pay the rent, so...
It's nothing though.
It's not a big deal.
Just been kind of out
of my mind, so...
- Okay.
Just ask, mate.
- What?
- Ask if you can crash
at my place.
- No! No way, man.
I couldn't ask you that.
Could I?
- Could you what?
- Could I crash at your place?
- Of course, man.
Of course you can.
- Yeah?
- So, she looking at me.
I think we got
something going on...
- Yo, yo, how's my tie?
How's my tie?
How's my tie?
- Bro, you look stupid
in a suit.
We're in Venice.
- Dude, I look...
I look good in this.
- Why did you wear
a suit to meet him?
Are you kidding me?
Listen, all right?
Just fix my tie, man.
- So, Cynthia's got
another project coming up,
and the director
on "Between the Waves"
he's doing that too,
and I think it's
a pretty big movie, man.
He's holding auditions
over at Hollywood Casting
on Friday for a couple
of the parts.
- So I'll go check it out
or something.
That'd be cool.
Thanks, man.
- Well...
what I mean is,
I might have just...
suggested to Cynthia to just...
give you a part.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- No!
- Yeah, man!
And I'm not even
close to being done.
Check this out.
- Oh, my God.
- Get it framed, mate.
That is the first of many.
- Um, hey, look,
how about we do this?
- You... you hold that.
- Okay...
- I'mma give
you my phone, all right?
And you take a picture
of me and this beautiful...
beautiful young thing.
Me, her, and Ace.
Ace, bring your ass
over here. Let's do this.
- This guy wants to make it big.
- She called me.
Alicia, mate.
- Oh, yes! Yes!
- She called me!
She wants to,
I don't know,
meet and...
talk things over.
- Dude, that's awesome!
Congratulations, man!
- Thank you.
- Actually, um...
Hollie called me, too.
- Well, if this ain't
the best day of the week!
- Yes!
- Okay, so...
swing by Cynthia's office.
I've already booked in a time.
Just, you know,
pop in, say hello,
maybe talk a little bit
about the project.
Looks like your friends are
keen on our co-star.
Don't be afraid
to get a little close.
- Hey, that's great, man.
- Don't be afraid
to get a little close
like we know each other.
Hey. Hey, what's up?
- You know what I'm saying?
This thing...
Hey, do you mind just,
kind of stand
right there real quick?
- Sure, yeah.
- All right. That's good.
- What? Okay.
- Hey, buddy!
- Who is this?
-"Who's this"?
It's your agent!
You ready
for some representation?
Sorry, had to... need my time
to turn over the old noodle...
What do you say you come down
tomorrow to sign some papers?
How does that sound?
- I just got
one question for you.
- Shoot.
- What makes you special?
All right. All right.
Fine, I can bite.
Um... what makes me special?
Well, I guess
it started around
when I was 12 or 13 or so.
You're on a trial period.
- Hello?
- Right?
It's throwback, huh?
- Joel, man...
I just wanna say
thank you so much.
- It's no problem, man.
Like I said,
you're a real honest dude.
All right, I'll see
you in the AM.
Do you want this open or closed?
- Um... you can
close it, thanks.
- You thank me one more time,
you're gonna have to go.
- Okay.
- Good night, bro.
- Good night, man.
- So...
what do you say
I go to the market,
get us some organic, non-GMO
veggies and some salmon?
- Oh...
I really have to
get going, Boyd.
I have an audition.
- Still doing that whole
acting thing, huh?
You need better backlight.
Well, when do I get
to see you again?
- Um... tonight at work.
- Okay. Do you wanna
have dinner later or something?
- Maybe.
I'll see you later.
- Okay.
See you later.
Leave me a message
and the beep and I'll try...
Why is everybody so quiet?
- What's up, man?
- Still wearing that wig?
- So where have you been
for the last two weeks?
- You mean, where my character
has been for the last two weeks.
I was in trouble.
Big trouble.
No, wait, wait.
Let me start that over.
Okay, I got it.
I was hiding,
keeping a low profile...
when I needed a drink.
I didn't want anymore trouble...
I wanted her.
But I couldn't risk it...
so I got out of there.
I was being followed.
Then it all went black.
At first, I thought
she had betrayed me.
But then I realized...
she was just
a production assistant.
They were just returning
me to base camp
to finish my scenes.
Apparently, the producers
had asked them to go get me.
I'd been lost in character
for two weeks.
That's pretty much it.
- Well, it's a good
thing you're back
'cause Jesse pretty much
lost his mind.
- Just a place to live.
- But don't worry though.
I've already found
another place.
- Bro, I'm sorry. I'll...
I'll make it up to you.
- And I went and got
your scooter for you
when I went
and met your "agent."
And why don't you just
go ahead and lose my number too?
- Oh, come on, man.
- Jesse...
Come on, Jesse,
He... he's your friend.
- Goodbye, Katie.
Well, he actin' like
his shit don't stink.
- A lot has happened
since I left, huh?
- Yeah.
- No.
Can I help you?
- Yes. I'm here to see Cynthia.
- Do you have an appointment?
- Yep. Joel set it up.
- And are you Joel?
- No, I'm Jesse.
Joel Hogan set it up.
- Have a seat.
I have a Jesse here to see you.
Yes, ma'am.
Joel Hogan.
Yes, ma'am.
Yes, Mrs. Bravo.
- So I'll just wait
right here then?
- Excuse me,
do you want me
to come back maybe or?
- Hi. Cynthia?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Mrs. Bravo, I have a...
Yes, ma'am.
Yes, ma'am.
Okay. Yes, ma'am.
- You may go in.
- Thank you.
- Excuse me.
I've been here
now for two hours.
Does Cynthia know I'm here?
- She'll be with you shortly.
Please have a seat.
- Thank you.
- Oh. Yes, ma'am?
Yes, ma'am.
Mm-hmm. Got it.
Got it.
She is unable to see you today.
- Okay.
You know what?
Seems that there's been
some sort of misunderstanding.
I'll just call Joel.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
That won't be necessary.
Mrs. Bravo told me
to tell you that
she has no interest in speaking
with you today or ever
and to please kindly leave.
- What?
- Are you going to be a problem?
- Really?
- I am sorry.
Joel told me to come here
and see you today,
and I've been waiting
out here all afternoon
- That I have no interest
in seeing you today or ever
and to please kindly leave?
- Yeah.
- So why are you in my office?
- I don't understand.
- Do you know how many
actors are scraping
and clawing this town
just to get a speaking part
on some shit pilot
that won't even get picked up?
- Did you and Joel have
some kind of falling out?
- Then a little
shit-off-the-bus actor
gets a one-in-a-million break
and next thing you know,
he won't work
for less than
$10 million a picture.
Joel called me
right before you got here.
He asked me to forget
about giving you the part.
I guess you're not
that lucky actor
I'm talking about.
- Wait! Why?
- Go home.
You're not gonna
make it in this town
with a guy like Joel mad at you.
- What? What do you mean
he's mad at me?
But if I tell
you guys something... Oh!
- Don't come back here, clown!
Is this about Alicia?
Did you talk to her?
- She wanted to meet up...
to tell me that
she's getting married
to the guy.
- Well, we'll get
through this, brother man.
- Also had lunch
with the director
of "Between the Waves" today.
I brought you up
just to seal the deal
on you getting the part
when he told me
some interesting news.
When he figured out who
the hell I was talking about,
he told me that he replaced you.
Same day that we met.
Right before you knocked
on my trailer door.
I thought we were mates!
I let you sleep here!
I gave you a car
for Christ's sakes.
- Joel...
- Keys.
- Did you even
have an ex-girlfriend
or was that just made up too?
- Of course I do, Joel.
Man, just please
let me explain!
- No!
You lied to me this whole time.
- I didn't know
what else to do, man.
I never meant to hurt anyone
or lie to you, Joel. I...
It just happened.
It's kind of like your persona!
- No, mate! It's not.
And you know
what else just happened?
You just lost
the break of a lifetime.
You can go now.
Just like the rest of 'em.
It's the Hollywood sign.
It's the first place
we came to when we got here.
Do you remember?
You... you left me
to go get Starbucks.
- Oh, come on.
I was back in 20 minutes.
So why are you moving back home?
I thought things were
going great out here for you.
I saw you in "Celebrity Weekly"
with Joel Hogan, by the way.
- Yeah. I...
I just...
It's like everyone is wearing
a disguise out here, you know?
I'm just tired
of letting people down.
- I have something
that I want to ask you,
but first, I want to say that
I am really,
really sorry about Rob.
- You should be.
- I also had sex with Boyd.
He's the party staff boss.
- Yeah, I know who he is!
What the hell, Hollie?
- I don't know, Jesse!
Things just...
I just got a little crazy
out here and...
I needed more hours at work.
- More hours at work?
Well, I need a girlfriend
who's not gonna sleep
with the cable guy
to get free HBO!
- I know. I know.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
- Unbelievable!
- But you did just
call me your girlfriend.
Do you want to
get back together?
- I don't know, Hollie.
I mean, you've had sex
with two other people
since we've lived here.
Like intercourse.
- So obviously, it's
this place that's the problem.
That is why I suggest
that we move home...
You were already on your way.
The only difference
is now, I go with you.
And we can just say
that this whole LA phase
was something we gave
our best shot at.
What do you think?
- Oh, my gosh!
Hollie! How are you?
- Good.
- Hi!
- Hey, Mama.
- Jesse?
Uh... welcome home!
I cooked come linguine.
You're welcome to stay
as long as you want.
Are you serious?
Ew, that's disgusting.
Did she tell you that?
Yeah, I know.
I'm sure that
that's really what happened.
Yeah, well she's...
She's a huge slut.
Oh, my God. No.
No. He sucks.
He sucks so bad.
I cannot stand him.
Ew. No, that's disgusting.
Anyways, no.
No, I'm not.
I'm not gonna be there.
You know what?
I'll come.
I'll be there 'cause
I'm bored as shit here.
Mrs. O'Neill, I think
I see the problem.
The problem's with your box.
No one's fiddled
with this box
in quite some time.
Someone might need to...
do some rewiring of it.
But I'll have you know
I have got very skilled hands.
You know, I could... I could
give you the premium package,
but I don't know
if you could handle it.
- You like channel 69?
Oh, shit!
- Oh, hey, babe.
You remember
Carl the cable guy, right?
- How you doin'?
- Oh, guess what?
We just got free HBO.
How about that?
Two HBOs!
- Mm-hmm.
- I could help get
a sports package
if you're interested.
- Oh!
- Little extra...
- By the way...
we're pregnant!
- Oh, congratulations!
I hope you have many sons.
- Jesse?
- Yeah?
- Yeah?
- No.
- What?
- Hell no.
Why would I get
back with you, Hollie?
You've treated me terribly!
But you know what?
I'm really glad
we've had this conversation.
- How dare you talk
to me that way! Seriously?
And take off
the wig already, weirdo.
Aren't you done auditioning?
I don't know why
I ever wasted time
with a loser like you.
He's holding auditions
over at Hollywood Casting
on Friday for a couple
of the parts.
- So I'll go check it out
or something.
That'd be cool.
- What time is it?
- What?
I don't know.
What are you doing?
- Don't forget your Starbucks
on the way out of town.
Come on. Pick up,
pick up, pick up...
Hey! Jandres?
I really need
your help right now.
- Watch it, asshole.
- I want answers and you're
gonna give 'em to me.
- I'm not here for you,
I'm here for...
I'm here for me.
- You're wasting your time.
- I want the truth and you're
gonna give it to me. Now.
- I want the truth and you're
gonna give it to me.
You better give me the truth.
Hey, guys.
- Room three is closing
in the next ten minutes.
- And they can only see
two more of you
and that's it.
Sorry, guys.
- Hey there, foxy lady.
- Hey.
- I'mma need to talk to you.
How much time we got?
- Ooh. If you leave
by the time we get back,
stay groovy, babe.
- Nice shorts.
- Thank you.
- Shit, man!
- Be casual, my man.
Hold it tight.
Am I seeing
double trouble right now?
'Cause y'all ladies are
lookin' out-of-sight.
- Excuse me, my man,
can you hold this?
Thank you.
- Jandres!
What are you doing here?
What is with all this getup?
- Oh, baby you know.
Just prepping
for a new character.
But listen, I'mma need
a huge favor from y'all.
- Okay, what is it
and what do I get out of it?
- Well, baby, you get
me all night long
till the break of dawn.
- Deal!
- Ew. No. Gross.
- Look, I'mma need my man
to get in that audition.
Is that cool?
- Fine. Sure. Just go.
- Go.
- Yes?
- Yeah. Yes.
- Call me.
- I will. Thank you.
Now you're gonna have to
take it from here, daddy-o.
- Okay.
Jandres, thank you so much, man.
I just gotta
run these sides, man.
- You got this, man.
You got this.
- I got this.
I got this.
- Look...
you book this role,
and that's how
you can thank me.
- Okay.
Waste of time.
- Another man's trash
is another man's treasure.
- Huh?
- That looks good, baby.
- Yeah?
- That looks great.
There you are. Yeah.
- All right, man.
Last one!
Let's do this.
- Oh. I didn't see you
there, little buddy.
Let's go. Come on.
- All right.
- Break a leg, brother.
- Thanks, dude.
- I'mma go talk to the twins.
- Yeah. Go get 'em.
- Yo, what do you mean
they want 3D now?
I thought you were doing
a found footage movie.
- Yeah... Okay...
Yeah, let me call
you back in five.
- Mark.
- You have a head shot?
- Uh... no.
- Of course you don't.
- Please stand on your mark
and state your name.
- Okay.
Um, my name is Jesse O'Neill
and I'm reading for...
- Do I know you?
- Not yet.
Would you please go?
Um, my name is Jesse O'Neill
and I'm reading
for the part of...
I'm sorry, what's
the character's name? I can't...
- Tony.
Jesse O'Neill,
I'm reading for Tony.
I'm not here for you...
I'm here for me.
And I'm not wasting your time...
you're wasting mine.
So just sit down and be quiet.
I want the truth
and you're gonna give it to me.
- Okay. All right. Thanks.
He lacks aggressive intensity.
- You're not what
we're looking for.
Thanks for coming in.
- All right. Good day, guys.
- Well, can I just go
one more time maybe?
I'm just gonna go once more.
I said I'm going again.
- Look, son, go home, okay?
We get it, you're
a real go-getter.
But it's been
a long day for us.
Wait a minute.
What's your name again?
- My name...
is Jesse O'Neill.
And I'm not here for you.
I'm here for me.
And I'm not wasting your time.
You're wasting mine.
Now, now you sit
your ass down and shut up.
- Wait a minute here...
- I am through
with being nice to you!
I want this part!
And you're gonna give
it to me 'cause if you don't...
'cause if you don't...
you're gonna regret it.
I promise you that.
- Hey, you're the guy
that I kicked off
"Between The Waves," aren't you?
You're Joel's friend.
- I'm the guy for this part.
One hell of an audition.
But I don't want you
for this part.
How would you feel if you were
to play the main antagonist?
Do we really want to confirm
that he's already got the part?
- Lance, shut the hell up!
You're fired!
Jesse, what do you say?
- I'll think about it.
- Bryant, call Nancy
and tell her we found
our bad guy!
- I am so nervous
right now, man.
- Are you all right?
Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- Relax, man.
This is g...
Chicks are gonna roll past,
they're gonna wave to you
and blow you kisses.
Tonight is your night,
all right?
Just want you to
relax and enjoy it.
There's plenty more to come.
Another thing
I wanted to tell you.
This is important.
I just want to say sorry...
about being so hard on you.
I was going through
some really dark times.
- Joel!
You, my friend, are the reason
that I am here right now.
You and all the other guys, man.
I owe it all to you guys!
- Thank you.
I appreciate that.
It feels good to
get that off my chest.
Now, for some good news.
You remember Beth?
- Beth? Beth, Beth, Beth...
- Beth.
- Yes!
- Co-star on "Between the Waves."
- Yes, dude! Yeah!
- Well, we're engaged.
- What?
What, dude?
Are you serious?
- I know. I know.
- When did you guys start...
- It's all between
the waves, man.
It is all between the waves.
- Let's do this.
Paparazzi over there.
- Enjoy it, mate.
First of many.
Just smile.
- Okay, that's
enough, all right?
You just gotta stick with it.
You just... You just
can't give up, huh?
- Yeah. And I'm sure
a lot of people have
similar stories,
but I had some help
along the way too, so...
- I know exactly what you mean.
- My mom bought me
this suit yesterday.
- It's a good suit.
- Thank you.
No, seriously...
- Hey! Just got back
from my yoga retreat.
I really need to talk to you.
- Whore.
- Excuse me?
- Me? You're the whore.
You cheated on me first.
Payback's a bitch, bitch.
- Hollie, we need to talk.
- You and Rob?
- I'll call you after work.
Tell me about this wig.
- Oh, we have the tape?
O... okay.
Well, we'll just show you.
We have here
Jesse's audition tape.
- Where'd you get that?
- Let's roll it.
- My name...
-is Jesse O'Neill.
And I'm not here for you.
I'm here for me.
And I'm not wasting your time.
You're wasting mine.
Now sit your ass
down and shut up!
- Wow.
Yeah, yeah, stand up.
- Thank you.