Adam Sandler: 100% Fresh (2018) Movie Script
1
Okay, ready, and...
Take your own cue, Adam. And action, Dan!
It was the perfect day
You had the sweetest smile
You were my only way
Yeah, we were doing it in style
We were walkin' and talkin'
And jammin' and jawin'
It was you and me against the world
Then you got hit by an electric car
'Cause you didn't hear it comin'
Fuck those cars. You should...
I have one. I have an electric car.
But at least I have the decency
when I'm driving,
to put my head out the window and go,
"Here comes the Sandman."
"Sandman coming. Watch out."
How about those Tesla's now
driving themselves?
Those Teslas, that's pretty cool.
They can drive themselves. Holy shit, man.
I got in an accident with a Tesla
and nobody was in there,
and I didn't know who to exchange
the information with...
and I started screaming,
"Hey, you fucker. What the fuck?"
And the Tesla's, you know, fucking
windshield wipers are flappin' about.
And I was like, "What the fuck
does that mean? You did it."
And its fucking lights
are going on and off.
Like it's saying, "Okay. All right."
And, uh...
Then we go to court
and I'm like,
"I'm going to fucking destroy this thing."
And then the Tesla shows up
in a neck brace,
and I say, "Oh, give me a fucking break.
What a liar. He's a fucking liar."
Oh, Grandma's roommate
Why do you talk so much?
Don't you know
I came to the nursing home
To see my grandma
I just said hello
To be polite
Now you're telling me
That my grandma was rude
'Cause she didn't share
Her unsugared candy
Well, I guess that calls
For a death pillow over your face
You ever go over to somebody's house
and, uh...
you ring the doorbell and the guy answers,
and he says, "Hey, take your shoes off"?
And then you go, "Oh, God. Okay."
And then he goes,
"Hey, take your socks off."
And you're like, "Take my socks off?"
And then he goes, "Roll up your pants."
You're like, "Roll my pants up?"
He puts some grapes down,
and goes, "Start stomping the grapes."
You're like, "What the fuck are we doing?"
He's like, "Making the wine!"
"You make me the wine."
Oh, no
Oh, no
Oh, no, no, no, no, no
Oh, no
God no
My mother's friend has a son
Who just moved to Hollywood
And she asked me to help him
My wife's always putting lotion
on my face.
Don't you put a lot of lotion
on your face out here in LA?
My wife fucking
really lathers on the lotion.
She always says she's looking out for me.
She just puts a lot of lotion.
Like, there's too much.
Doesn't rub it in either.
She just puts it on my forehead,
my cheeks, my nose...
Then I found out, before me,
my wife used to date a lemon meringue pie.
And I was like...
She still likes him.She still likes him.
I know she does.
I don't give a shit.
Daddy shaved his beard today
Mustache and sideburns went away
Daddy's lips are really small
Doesn't have a chin at all
Daddy made a big mistake
My father used to shave...
My dad had a beard,
and then, literally, every ten years
would shave his beard.
Like, didn't ask us, just fucking
came out of nowhere, shaved.
It was... Any time
my father shaved his beard,
it was the only time
you saw him look vulnerable.
When he first came out of the bathroom,
he was like...
I was like, "Dad has dimples?"
I didn't know Dad had dimples."
"It'll grow back."
Why'd you do it?
"I don't know.
It was...
It was itchy."
"It's been itchy for ten fucking years?"
I went to my friend's house
and he had a heated toilet seat.
I sat on his heated toilet seat.
I've got to say it made you relax.
I went a lot better than I usually go.
I came out and said, "I like that heated
toilet seat. Where'd you get that?"
He goes, "I don't have
a heated toilet seat."
You ever walking down the street
and you say hi to a baby?
And, uh...
And the baby goes...
And you're going, "Yeah, that's great."
And then... And the mother goes,
"He can say 'hi' back."
And you go, "Oh, yeah?"
And the kid goes...
You go, "There it is."
Then mother goes,
"No, he really can say it."
And the kid goes...
And you go, "Hey, that was great."
The mother goes,
"No, he really can say it."
And the kid goes...
And you go,
"There it is. That was it, right?"
And the mother's like,
"No! Say it. Say hi."
And the kid's like...
And... And then the mother's like,
"What the fuck? Say it!
You said it earlier!"
And the kid's like...
And you're like, "Hey, that was
a full sentence. That's better than 'Hi'."
And the mother's like, "What the...?
I'm so mad at you, baby!"
And then she like hands you the baby
and is like, "I've got to walk this off.
This is very discouraging for me.
He said it earlier!"
And you're holding the baby, like...
"Say it. Go ahead and say it. Say, 'Hi'.
Come on, you really upset your mother."
And the kid's looking at you...
And you're like, "Come on, get it out."
It's gonna make her feel better.
And the kid's like...
And you're like, "You can do it. Come on."
And the kid's like...
"Help me.
She... She...
She won't let me get vaccinated."
Come on, there's no proof
that that's good or bad yet.
"I've been getting sick a lot."
My hands are shaking
My heart's beating fast
I'm sweating through my cheap suit
How much longer can it last?
I'm an alcoholic lawyer
Facing the trial of my life
And I need to sober up quickly
If I want to make things right
Put the bottle down, son
There's an innocent man who needs you
Put the bottle down, son
There's nothing left to fear
Wait, what day is it?
Shit.
The trial was last week.
And he got the chair?
Well, let's have a few whiskey sours
In his memory
My wife and I,
we fool around pretty hardcore.
We go at a pretty good. It's fun.
You know, it's nice. We love each other,
and we fucking go pretty hard and...
It gets crazy.
It gets pretty fucking nuts in there
because it's only me and her,
nobody else.
So, we're like, "Let's fucking...
Let's do it all," you know?
We do, uh... We do have a safe word.
It's, "Really?"
My whole life, I always wanted
to be able to do a flip.
Wouldn't that be great?
I was always growing up, going,
"Man, I've got to get a flip going.
Everybody will love me
if I could just do a flip."
Everybody would be like,
"Whoa, did you see the Sandman?
He popped out a flip."
I just wanted to be
in a fucking Marshalls or something,
buying some cheap clothes
and going, "Hey, watch this."
Pop a flip and have
the fucking lady at the cash register go,
"Did you fucking see
that kid with the flip?"
I'd be like. "Hey, I do it all the time."
But I never got that one down, man.
I wish I did.
Always I was like...
I didn't know how to fucking practice.
That was the problem.
I didn't know how to do my first try.
I would always get to right about here,
and then go, "Ah, I don't know.
I'm gonna get hurt."
And when I got older, I wanted to learn
how to speak fluent Italian too.
And I did that. I mastered that.
So, I'm in Italy,
and I meet the Pope himself,
and in fluent Italian, I say to him,
"Hey, I love what you've done
for the Church.
I love what you you're doing
for the world.
America says, 'Hello.'
Um...
Am I getting into heaven?"
And in Italian he says,
"Can you do a flip?"
And I was like, "Madonne!"
Shit.
Did you ever have a friend
who rescues too many animals
and, like, never can do anything?
"Hey, you want to go out
in a couple days?"
"Ah, no, my chicken's eye fell out
and I've got to paste it back on."
"Oh, okay. That shouldn't take that long."
"Well, one of the ducks,
she isn't quacking, so...
I've got to look...
I've got to look into that."
Okay.
Dling!
By the way, I never met this man.
Uh, this one is
kind of a Bee Gee-esque tune.
Kind of a...
You like the Bee Gees out there?
I always liked the Bee Gees.
Slow
- Slow
- Slow
- Slow
- Slow
Mr. Slow Mo
- Mr. Slow Mo
- Slow
Slow
Mr. Slow Mo
Mr. Slow Mo
Slow, slow
- Mr. Slow Mo
- Mr. Slow Mo
- Slow, slow
- Mr. Slow
- Mr. Slow Mo
- Mr. Slow Mo
I'm the slow motion man
In the crosswalk
Walking just as slow as I can
Holding up the traffic
As I walk across the street
Hardly even seems
Like I'm picking up my feet
I'm the slow motion man
In the crosswalk
California laws will protect me
Then an earthquake hits
And I fall deep in a crack
And everybody cheers 'cause I'm dead
Slow, slow
Dying so slow
Thank you.
Come on, right
That's right, feel that shit
Unh, right
Come on, Daddy
Join in on this motherfucker
Would you?
Yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah
So, let's go
My Uber driver smells bad
Uber driver smells bad
Got a smelly Uber driver
Uber driver smells bad
- Yeah
- A smelly Uber driver
- Yeah, that's right
- Got a smelly Uber driver
Uber driver smells bad
Got a smelly Uber driver
He got a free water
If you want a drink drink
You know, what else he got
He got a stink stink
- Uber driver smells bad
- God damn, what the fuck?
- Got a smelly Uber driver
- Yeah
Uber driver smells bad
Right when I got inside
I was like, "Uh-oh"
This Honda Civic smells
Just like a butthole
- Uber driver smells bad
- What the fuck? Now, come on
- Got a smelly Uber driver
- Locked window
Uber driver smells bad
He rock the Google Maps
He rock the window tint
One thing he doesn't rock
Is that deodorant
- God damn, Speed Stick that shit
- Uber driver smells bad
- What the fuck? Come on
- Got a smelly Uber driver
Uber driver smells bad
I need the iPhone charged
I pass the cord back
And when you take a bath
Scrub the nutsack
- Scrub your nutsack
- What the fuck?
- Scrub your nutsack
- Common courtesy
This shit got germs
I can't believe the smell
In these Uber cars
Oh, wait, I shit my pants
I'll give him five stars
Give him five stars
- Damn
- Give him five stars
Turns out the smell was me
Better give him five stars
Word up, motherfucker, yeah
Oh, yes.
Oh, cotton candy making me randy
Multicolored lolli...
- What the hell happened?
- I fucked it up.
No! You don't just start over!
You apologize to me!
You don't just do that to the Sandman!
Okay.
Let's start again. We'll cut around it.
Not yet!
Hit it!
Hoo!
Yes, yes, yes.
Oh, cotton candy making me randy
Multicolor lollipop
Gobstopper never stop
Red attire...
I fucked up. All right, sorry.
Fuck that shit!
The Sandman don't fuck up.
Ooh, from the top.
Oh, cotton candy making me randy
Multicolor lollipop
Gobstopper never stop
Reese's Pieces, Charleston Chew
Butterfinger, Snickers too
Red Atomic Fireball
I want to eat them all
Give me a green Jolly Rancher
Let me hear you.
Let's go.
Laffy Taffy, Lemonhead
Cadbury Eggs will hatch
Kids from the Sourpatch
Milk Duds and Swedish Fish
Gummy bears and licorice
If you got a Kit Kat
I would like a taste of that
The doctor says I got diabetes
Thank you.
Yeah, okay, we did that again. I think
that was better than the first time.
Do you? Yes, yes. Absolutely.
Okay, here comes a song.
More dancing.
Yeah, let's hear you, Ohio
Ohio
Yes, sir.
Here we go, here we go, here we go.
Should we clap along?
All right, let's lose that. I hate it.
Sorry.
You were right on it.
It's a thing of mine, man.
I don't fucking like that shit.
It was startling me.
Well, we all know a guy
Who shaves his chest
We all know a guy
Who wears a leather vest
We all know a guy
Who knows a lot about coffee
We all know a stud
Who would fight anyone
We all know a fool
Who wears his hair in a bun
We all know a guy
Who says he fucked his babysitter
When he was 12
Yeah, we all know a guy
Who wears too much cologne
We all know a guy
Who's better when he's stoned
We all know a guy who hugs your wife
Five seconds too long
Well, we all know a guy
Who's starting a band
We all know a guy who's missing a hand
We all know a guy who doesn't work
But still goes twice a year to Ibiza
We all know a guy
Who said he almost went pro
We all know a guy with a red afro
We all know a guy who's dick color
Doesn't match his body
We all know a guy
Whose hair always looks wet
We all know a guy with a pig as a pet
We all know a guy who knows a guy
Who says he knows Guy Fieri
And we all know a guy
With weird allergies
We all know a guy
Who sneezes in threes
So how come we don't know
Who my real father is?
No!
Thank you.Thank you.
I'm a triple threat though. You didn't
know I could dance that fucking good.
Took many lessons growing up, man.
The hula... The hula hoop.
Hula hoop, by the way,
is very horny looking.
When I'm
at my fucking kids' birthday parties
and some kid gives me a hula hoop
and I'm doing it, I feel so fucking gross.
I'm going...
You see other parents like,
"What the fuck?"
Do you ever play miniature golf
with your daughter
and you're tied on the 18th hole?
And in the middle of her backswing,
you just say, "Hey, I tea-bagged
your mother this morning."
And then...
And then the kid sinks the putt
and goes, "Yeah, I know, I saw."
And you're like,
"This kid stays concentrated."
She's fucking good. She's got focus.
She could be somebody.
Are there married folks out there tonight?
Married folks.
I love it. Okay, this is for you guys.
You tell me I'm wrong
But I know I'm right
You say, "No fucking way"
But I insist that I'm right
So I pull out my phone
And I look it up
I right away see I was wrong
But I pretend I can't find the answer
So I fake like I'm still looking
And you say, "So who's right?"
I say, "My phone sucks"
And blame AT&T reception
Then you start to look it up
So I just grab your phone
And drop it into a glass of iced tea
Thank you.
Marriage is good, guys.
Marriage is good.
You'll like it one day
if you're not married.
You just got to keep it mysterious.
You got to keep the mystery alive.
Like, my wife has no idea
where I go for weeks at a time.
- It's fucking... It's a big mystery.
- You tell her where you are tonight?
Yeah, she knows I'm here.
My kids don't.
I just said I was
going downstairs to get an apple.
I always get these emails from
the kids' school that I've got to come in.
"It's Terrific Tuesday...
Make sure you come in."
And you're like, Terrific...
What the fuck is Terrific Tuesday?
Well, you come by the school
and you tell the kids
how terrific they are.
And I'm like, "Okay, Thirsty Thursday."
It's Thirsty Thursday. Come by.
You know, you help the kids
fill their water bottles.
I'm like, my father
literally came to school
one fucking time my whole school career.
He opened the door
in the middle of a fucking test,
and I hear, "Where'd you put the rake?
I'm like, "What?"
"You put it on the nail?"
- "I think I did."
- "You think?
"It's not there."
- "Okay."
- "It's not okay."
"I'll get it for you after school."
"No, you'll get it now!"
Okay, here we go.
One is a little guy hiding in a tree
Two are together
And they're swimming out to sea
Three on a Ferris wheel
Four at the zoo
Five in my pocket
Six in my shoe
Seven on a mountain top
Eight in a park
Nine in a gondola
Ten in the dark
It's everywhere you go
Everywhere you look
Everywhere you'll find an anti-Semite
There he is!
Joking.
He's not. Leave him alone.
Get the fucking lights off of him.
He seems like a decent man.
Sorry.
I am gonna read a book
Read a book, read a book
Gonna be a better man
Better man than I am
So I go to Amazon
Amazon dot com
And I buy a dozen books
Lots of books, smart books
They will ship them right away
Right away, in a day
And I have Amazon Prime
So it doesn't cost a dime
So I look at my new book
Take a look at my book
Right away I tune out
Don't like reading, get distracted
So I turn on my TV
TV good, reading bad
And I watch Property Brothers
For 11 fucking hours
Hello.
You ever...
How about the times you wake up...
Ever wake up like 4:30 in the morning
and you're like, "God damn it.
What am I doing up right now?"
4:30, can't fall asleep...
I'm fucking ruined for the day.
Ever do one of those things where you go,
"Let me just get out of bed,"
and live like those people who always go,
"Hey, I get up at 4:30 every day.
I do that for me. That's me time.
I spend the morning alone.
That's my time and it's the best.
It sets me in the right mood."
You're like, "Let me be
one of those fucking pricks.
I'll get up at 4:30."
And you get up at 4:30
and you make yourself breakfast.
You're like, "Wow, this is good.
making breakfast. I never do that."
And then you work out.
You're like, "I'm working out this early.
Holy shit. That's out of the way.
That's great."
And then you have yourself
another breakfast.
You're like,
"Okay, I'm running out of shit to do."
And then you flip on the news and you go,
"There's news before the news?
Who the fuck are these people?
They're very good.
They should be on the real news."
Then you go outside
and you see a bird eating a worm.
You're like,
"Is that the fucking early bird?
I've been hearing about that thing
for a long time."
There he is. Holy shit."
Then a bus shows up,
and your kids get on it.
You're like, "That's how they fucking
get to school. Nobody fucking told me...
What a day. This is interesting."
And then it's around 11 o'clock
and you're in the middle of a work meeting
and you're like, "How long
is this fucking day gonna go for?
Let me sleep!"
My wife's grandmother turned...
she turned 101 years old,
which is nice, 101 years old.
That's good for the family,
you know, good to have that
in your genes.
My daughter's got that great life.
My family, we fucking die...
I should be dead is all I'm saying.
It makes no sense that I'm here right now.
But 101 years old...
I went to her birthday,
I gave her 101 punches in the shoulder...
Just, she kept going, "Ooh."
And I was saying, "It's tradition.
We can't break tradition, Grandma."
She was like, "I want to break tradition."
I was like, "Well, you can't.
So, just fucking deal with 94 more."
And bam. "Oh!"
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Grandma died
Grandma died
Grandma died today
How are we gonna tell the kids?
Grandma died today
I guess I'll go to a bingo game
And steal
Somebody else's grandma
And hope that my dumb kids
Can't tell the difference
What's going on?
You getting this camera all set?
Don't get hurt.
That's a heavy fucking piece of machinery.
It's blocking you good.
You okay? You got your beer.
That's a big fucking beer, man.
Way to go.You get loose.
I dedicate this song
to the fucking drunk guy right there.
Here we go.
Yeah.
Shoop!
I love you!
I am a grown man
Pissing in the shower in my house
Yes, I am a grown man
Pissing in the shower in my house
I have no respect for my family
My kids will take a bath in here today
I know I should go to the toilet
But the toilet is too far
The toilet is too far away
I said the toilet is too far
The toilet is too far
Once when I was drunk, I...
Took a piss in the kitchen sink
But I prefer the shower
My wife's loofah is starting to stink
When my kids go to school
In the morning
They smell
Like they're soaking in piss
Sometimes before I shower
Sometimes before I shower
I eat some asparagus
I am an animal
I am a destroyer
They caught me pissing
In my neighbor's pool
And now I have to get a lawyer
It was worth it
Thank you!
That was fun.
Are you ever wiping yourself,
uh, back there...
You're wiping up pretty good,
and then you keep wiping.
And then you've really...
you've got to keep wiping.
And you wipe again,
and then you wipe another one.
Then you go, "You know what?
Just out of principal,
I'm stopping after this next one.
It's fucking enough already.
I don't care if I'm done or not.
This is fucking killing me.
Whatever happens happens.
Get me the fuck out of here.
I did my first dick pic, everybody.
Thank you.
A dick pick is...
that's a weird thing to do.
There's no reason for me to do it.
I'm fucking married.
But all my friends are doing them,
so I'm like, "What the fuck, let me just...
at least I can be part of the conversation
when they're talking
about their dick pics.
I can go, "Oh, yes, definitely."
You know?
So, I do my first dick pick.
I look back at it.
There's a ghost in the background.
So there's a ghost in the image,
and I'm like,
"I live in fucking haunted house?"
I had no idea. I want to show everybody...
'cause...
what are the chances of catching that?
But my dick doesn't look...
as good as I want it to look in the image.
Plus, you know,
the fucking ghost was really tall,
so he made my dick not look... exact.
Plus the fucking ghost was holding a ruler
next to my dick.
I was like, "What the fuck
is your problem?" to the ghost.
He was like...
The ghost was like,
"I live here too. I like to have fun."
All right, I'm gonna play guitar
a little bit for you.
My kid's only got one line in a play
My kid's only got one line in a play
My kid's only got one line in a play
My kid's only got one line in a play
And yet, the fact is
We still gotta practice
Every day
Oh, no, my kid's only got
One line in a play
My-my-my kid's only got
One line in a play
The dumb teacher
Gave the big parts away
Oh, no, my kid's only got
One line in a play
It's in the first five minutes
But my wife says
We still gotta stay the whole way
Fuck no
My kid's only got one line in a play
As soon as my wife looks the other way
I phone in a bomb scare
And I call it a day
Because my kid's only got
One line in a play
And she got it wrong
You love your kids more than anything
on the planet until like 9:30 at night.
And then you're like,
"Okay... that's enough.
I loved you all day long.
Just give me a little break.
I answered all your crazy questions.
I don't even know... I know nothing.
That does not fucking help
when you have to answer your kid.
I've got to make up every goddamn answer.
"Are whales smart, Daddy?"
"Well, you know, they're more street smart
than book smart, but..."
I don't fucking know anything
about whales.
My daughter plays basketball,
my nine year old.
So, I go and see her play basketball,
and she's a sweetheart of a kid.
And every time they put the kid
in the game, I get so excited.
I take my video camera out,
and I fucking video everything she does.
And so, a couple Sundays ago,
I'm videoing my daughter
and another dad goes,
"Hey, can you email me that
when you're done?"
And I go, "Yeah, absolutely, dude.
And then I'm videoing my kid
and then I remembered.
Actually, when I video my kid,
I say a lot of things, and...
It's always not stuff
I want other people to hear.
And I'm always like,
"Okay, you got it, you little cutie.
You've got the ball. You're so good.
Look how good you are.
You take the ball. Pass it to my kid.
Somebody pass it to my kid.
I'll get a break your fucking neck,
I swear to God.
Give that fucking ball to my fucking kid.
You all suck out there."
And I was like, "I better not
email that to that man there.
So I just emailed him
the ghost/dick pic thing.
The guy was like,
"What the fuck's with the ruler?"
I go, "Yeah, the ghost was an asshole.
Fuck that guy."
"I'm with you."
My little sweet daughter...
the sixth grader,
she comes back from school
and she's like,
"All the boys keep saying,
'That's what she said...'
and then they all laugh."
- "Why Daddy?"
- And I was like, "Oh, boy."
"Yeah, it seems like anything I say,
they say, 'That's what she said.'
They look at each other,
and they just laugh and laugh.
And I'm confused. Help me Dad-da."
And so, I'm like, "Okay,
how do I explain this to her?"
And I'm trying to just figure out,
you know, the right way to do it,
in a clean way, no cursing.
And I'm just going,
"Uh... uh... uh... uh, well, it's a..."
And then my kid goes,
"That's okay, Daddy. You tried your best."
And I was like, "That's what she said."
All right, let's do this.
That's not true. None of that...
None of this fucking story...
All this is a lie. All right.
I'll take the large, please
Can't believe my eyes
Sprinkles and fudge
And a smelly surprise
Oh, ice cream lady
Thank you for letting me
Eat your pussy
Come on.
You know you would fucking go
to that ice cream place all the time.
Oh, Sandman.
That's too much.
Okay.
Just getting ready.
The pilot had a heart attack
The co-pilot can't be found
The people in the aisles are screaming
They know the plane's going down
We need a hero, someone to save us
We need a hero to land the plane
We need a hero who's going to do it
We need a hero to save the day
So I jump to my feet and I volunteer
The people on the plane
All start to cheer
I get a high-five from a baby
And a hickey from a flight attendant
So I go in the cockpit
Put the headset on
And grab the main control
Then right away I crash the plane
Because I don't know what I'm doing
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Yeah.
Thank you.
We're on a runaway train
The conductor had a meltdown
The people in the dining car
Are screaming really, really loud
We need a hero, someone to save us
Yeah, we need a hero
To bring us through the danger
We need a hero, somebody competent
We need a hero to save the day, yeah
So I put the engineer's hat
On the top of my head
The people go fucking crazy
A guy says, "You're the man, man"
And a deaf woman signs
"Go get 'em"
Then I go to the cab
And I toot the whistle
That's something I always wanted to do
Then right away we fly off the bridge
Because I don't know what I'm doing
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
Ahh.
We're in a nice family restaurant
Somebody's grandma's choking
On a lamb chop
There's panic in the air
As Nana's face turns blue
The busboy screams in Spanish
"What the fuck do we do?"
We need a hero who's gonna do it
We need a hero
To clean out her windpipe
We need a hero
Who's down with Heimlich
We need a hero to save the day, yeah
So I slap my napkin down on the table
And I get a fucking standing ovation
Another guy gets up
And says he's a doctor
I say, "Sit the fuck down
I got this shit"
Then I wrap my arms
Around Grandma's chest
And I look her grandkids
Deep in the eyes
Then right away...
Then right away I break all her ribs
Because I don't know what I'm doing
Grandma!
What the fuck was that?
After every joke...
This is one that we don't play that much
But, uh...
but I figured it's fucking Jersey.
I think you guys might enjoy this.
So here we go.
Thirteenth birthday
People come from far away
Aunts and uncles show up
I brush my fro up
Feeling skittish
People speaking Yiddish
Buy a freaky suit and tie
Tailor's hanging on my thigh
Practice for the whole year
Paralyzed with fear
Hebrew flash cards on my walls
Voice is changing, dropped my balls
Dad's mad at the cost
Too bad Mom's the boss
Grandmas are full of joy
For the Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Okay, up on the podium
I'm staring out at everyone
Can't remember how it goes
Whistle from my rabbi's nose
Oh, man, this is it
Make up some crazy shit
Baruch atah, a cha-cha-cha
Everybody says, "Good job"
Now I'm done, sweet relief
Lipstick on Mama's teeth
Catholic friends all ask me this
"What the fuck is a knish?"
Kids are all coming in
Checks and bonds and fountain pens
Make a bank deposit
Make out in the closet
He's the Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
The rabbi does the Electric Slide
Grandma's ass is six feet wide
Party music never stops
All my friends drinking schnapps
Boys are short, girls are tall
Pass me the alcohol
Chug as much as I can
Vomit on the klezmer band
Mom and Dad yell at me
This strains my family
But I'm a man, so I don't care
Got my first mustache hair
I'm the Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
And it's the best day of my life
Until three years later
When my parents stop
Making me go to temple
Very nice, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
So I'll tell you a little story
about Disney World.
You want to hear
a true Adam Sandler Story?
Please, I can... Okay.
So you guys have been
to Disney World, right?
The families have been there.
Who doesn't have kids
and still goes to Disney World?
You fucking stoners.
I'm on to you.
All right, so I go
to Disney World recently
with my wife and the two kids.
My kids wanted
to go on this roller coaster.
They were very excited.
So, we wait on the line.
We're waiting.
You know the lines are very long.
So, it takes like an hour and 15 minutes.
We get to the front of the line,
and then the roller coaster, we find out,
only takes three people at a time.
So, there's four of us.
And I see my wife and the two kids
just immediately start walking
to the thing.
And I was like, we're not even
gonna flip a coin. Not...
Not even a thought, right?
They're like, "No, no..."
I was like, "Yeah. All right."
And so, I'm sitting there very angry.
I'm stewing.
Like, "I waited a fucking hour
and 15 minutes
to go on this fucking shit with you guys,
and you fucking bail on me."
Then I see it happens to some other dad
from Oklahoma, and he's muttering.
He's like, "Goddamn motherfucker...
They're mean as shit.
And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah."
And then I say to the other dad,
I go, "You want fucking me and you
to go on it together?
And he's like, "What?"
I go, "Well, I'm not going alone.
Let's fucking do this shit.
I'll go with you."
And he's like,
"Yeah, whatever the fuck you want."
And so...
So I get on the roller coaster
with the guy
and we're both not talking to each other.
The roller coaster takes off,
and you know how they take off
so fucking fast...
that both our necks snap back,
and we look at each other.
And he's like "Ooh, that got me."
I was like, "Oh, yeah,
that was fucked up, man."
We start laughing a little bit.
And we're fucking
all of a sudden loosening up.
And we're fucking doing all the... jetting,
banging into these fucking crazy turns.
I'm fucking leaning,
100% leaning on the guy.
He's looking at me like, "What the fuck?"
I was like, "Hey, here we are."
And we're laughing our asses off.
And I'm like, "Holy shit, I haven't been
this happy in at least 11 years.
I know that, but whatever,
I'm fucking... jetting around,
fucking doing loop-the-loops.
He's fucking bumping my first.
I'm like, "Yeah, motherfucker."
He's like, "Yeah, baby."
We get to the end. The fucking...
You know how the break
comes out of nowhere.
It fucking screeches on,
both our fucking heads snap again.
He's like, "They got us again.
I was like, "Fuck yeah, we'll never learn.
So, uh, we're creeping up
to, you know, getting off the ride,
how it's like a little slow at exit,
and we're sitting there,
and I'm fucking...
I feel this crazy pain in my heart,
and I'm like, "Did I fucking fall in love
with this guy or some shit?
What happened?
And he's not looking at me.
I'm like this guy feels it too,
'cause he's in a fucking daze.
We're both...
And my kids are like,
"Come on, let's go to Peter Pan."
I was like, "All right, in a minute."
I'm yelling at the kids too loud.
"I've got to say goodbye to the man."
And, uh...
I get off. I go, "Hey, nice to meet you."
He's like, "Yeah, nice to meet you."
He won't look at me,
and we're both all fucked up.
He goes back to his family,
I go back to mine.
I'm walking away.
In my head, I'm like, "I'm never gonna see
that fucking guy again,
and I don't feel good about that.
Um...
And then I...
And then I go...
"They take your picture though...
on those rides.
You know, just for memory's sake.
Just, what the fuck, I'm gonna go see,
maybe they snapped us, maybe they didn't.
But if they did... why not?
Fuck it, you know. Let's just see."
And so, we...
We go to the, uh...
I go to that place
where there's the fucking monitor up.
Sure enough, there's a picture
of me and the guy,
upside down, in the loop-the-loop...
staring so deep into each other's eyes.
It was fucking bananas.
I was like, "Okay, he felt it.
He definitely felt it too."
So, I say to the lady behind the counter,
"Hey, how much is that?"
And the lady goes, "Sixty-five dollars."
I was like, "Oh. Okay."
And then I take my phone out,
and I fucking snap a shot of it.
And then I feel this energy behind me.
I look back, and it's the guy
from Oklahoma.
He's holding the picture he just bought.
And he was like, "I wasn't worth it?"
So, anyways...
If that man is watching
my Netflix special right now,
I think of you a lot, sir.
I think of you a lot.
All right, Milwaukee,
let's fucking do this shit. Here we go.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah
Here we go again
Come on
I'm heading out
And all I'm taking with me
Is my phone, wallet, keys
Yeah, phone, wallet, keys
Just those three things, please
Need my phone, wallet, keys
Got my credit cards in my wallet
Got my phone, you can call it
Masterlock on my front door
That's what my motherfucking keys
Are for
My phone, wallet, keys
Yeah, phone, wallet, keys
Good things come in threes
Need my phone, wallet, keys
If I'm going to the zoo
I need my phone, wallet, keys
If I'm getting a face tattoo
I need my phone, wallet, keys
If I'm going out to a wedding
If it's winter time and I'm sledding
If I'm at the Daddy-Daughter dance
My phone, wallet, keys are in my pants
I'm going on vacation
To the West Indies
And I don't got no luggage
Just got phone, wallet, keys
I roll on up to the airport
Lady asks for my passport
Fuck.
Okay.
Guess I need my phone
Wallet, passport, keys
Phone, wallet, passport, keys
Now I need four things, bitch, please
Phone, wallet, passport, keys
I'm finally on the plane
I'm riding Delta, Delta
The lady farted next to me
I smelled her, I smelled her
We get to 30,000 feet
I recline my fucking seat
About to watch a movie, stop
I forgot my laptop
Mm, motherfucker
Damn it
Now I need my laptop
Phone, wallet, passport, keys
Laptop, phone, wallet, passport, keys
Too much shit, five fucking things
Laptop, phone, wallet, passport, keys
I'm swinging my shit all over the place
I'm hurting ya, I'm hurting ya
I'm carrying so much shit
I got a hernia, a hernia
No place to put it, what can I do?
Probably should take my iPad too
What the fuck else did I forget?
Sandman, you need tons of shit
My Tic Tacs, my backpack
My Zippo lighter, my charge pack
My sunglasses, my hairspray
- My headphones
- They're Beats by Dre
My notebook, my GoPro
My vape pen, my crossbow
My toothpick, my pocket knife
Oh, fuck, I forgot my wife
- Phone, wallet, keys
- God damn
Phone, wallet, keys
It used to be so easy
With my phone, my wallet
And my keys-ee
Phone, wallet, keys, yeah
Phone, wallet, keys
It used to be a breez-ee
With my phone, my wallet
And my keys-ee
My pockets got so heavy
Now I'm cramping, I'm cramping
Each time I leave my house
It's like I'm camping, I'm camping
I'm miserable, just standing around
I'm like a walking lost and found
You know I'd rather stay at home
- Where all I need's my fucking phone
- Phone, phone, phone
- Yeah
- Phone, phone, phone
Much happier at home
Just playing with my phone
- Phone, phone, phone
- Yeah
Phone, phone, phone
Yeah, I'll just stay at home
And fiddle with my phone on the toilet
I'm gonna do my first mic drop.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You just got Sandoozled.
Yeah, yeah.
Sweet, sweet, sweet.
That was a good ending.
Thank you.
Whoa, what the fuck is that? What is that?
Oh, shit, you scared me with that one.
Give me a second.
Wait, okay. Okay, here we go.
This one's fun.
He's a very strong lad
But he hasn't been laid in years
Because the strong and handsome lad
Has a terrible case of UFC ears
UFC ears, UFC ears
Cauliflower wrestling, UFC ears
UFC ears, UFC ears
Swollen and disfigured UFC ears
He can beat you in the Octagon
Afterwards drink 30 beers
But that doesn't change
The horrible fact
He also has a case of UFC ears
UFC ears, UFC ears
Tiny little holes in his UFC ears
UFC ears, UFC ears
Can't stop looking at those UFC ears
Heavyweight boxers get the broken nose
Ballet dancers
Have those fucked up toes
MLB pitchers all have crazy beards
But I can't believe these guys
Can fucking hear
With those UFC ears
UFC ears
Puffy and disturbing UFC ears
UFC ears, that's right, UFC ears
Cries himself to sleep
He's got UFC ears
Now, after the show tonight
I'll be shaking
With cheeks wet with tears
Because he's going to find me
And beat my fucking head in
Screaming, "Welcome to the club
Of UFC ears"
Ears
Ears
Ears
Ears
Yeah.
Oh my.
That's some smokey shit.
This is not from us.
There is a fucking fire.
Let's get the fuck out of here. Quick.
No, I'm just joking.
Don't... don't bail on me.
Is that going into your mouth?
That's... Yeah, that's...
That's what she said. Yes. Very good.
That was fun.
Really good.
I liked that.
Yes, those UFC guys,
they are built pretty fucking good.
I can't stand...
That's the only reason I don't watch.
I get so angry
at how fucking chiselled
these fucking guys are.
I go to the gym, of course,
but I just go to pick my wife up.
I'm always like, "Hey, how was that?
How'd it go in there?"
She's like, "You've got to come in."
I'm like, "Yeah, definitely."
I got old enough now
that I don't take my shirt off anymore.
I'm 51, 51 years old.
So, I don't take my shirt off anymore
when I go swimming
at, like, a hotel pool with my kids.
I keep my fucking shirt on.
I'm swimming,
and everyone's pointing and stuff,
and like this lifeguard was yelling at me.
"You can't do that."
I'm like, "What the fuck is...
I'm humiliated, buddy. I just don't want
to take my fucking shirt off."
He's like, "No, you've got to wear
a bathing suit, your dick is out."
I'm like, "Oh, okay.
Oh, this is, uh...
one of the fancy Howard Johnson's.
I got you.
Fuck. Sorry, man."
The guys over 50 know
what I'm talking about.
The testicles do get bigger and bigger
as you get older.
They hang lower
and whatever the fuck happens...
You know, you've seen it
at the YMCA your whole life,
the older men with the giant balls,
and you're always wondering
why they're so free and happy, fucking...
Those are like the 85-year-old guys.
They don't give a fuck.
They just swing it... and whatever.
They don't even think
of throwing a towel on.
They're just like, "This is it.
I only got a few years left.
I want... You should remember me how I am,
with these giant..."
My balls are not that big,
but they still don't make sense
on my body.
My dick literally looks
like it's sitting in a bean bag chair.
Yeah, it's so comfortable.
My dick never...
it never wants to leave the balls.
It's always just resting.
So nice, like, "I love you guys.
You're my best friends."
The new giant balls get me into trouble
with my wife now,
because we're both not used to them.
I'm behind her doing my thing,
what you do when you're behind your wife.
And I'll hear, "Hey, hey, no spanking."
I'm like, "That wasn't me.
That was... That was those guys, babe."
And she's like, "Oh...
Oh, you got me again."
Okay, this is for the people
who either live together
or have been married for awhile.
Okay? This is for you.
You're giving me a strange look
In the mirror
As I brush my teeth
I don't know
What I could have done wrong
'Cause I literally just woke up
Maybe you had a dream
That I cheated on you
Or you remember something mean I said
Like two fucking years ago
All I know is that all day long
It's gonna be weird
Eggshells
Why the hell is she walking past me
Without talking?
Eggshells
I told her her hair looked good
And that somehow made things worse
Eggshells
When she picks up the phone
She uses a nice voice
But when she hangs up
It's back to fucking monotone
Eggshells
I see you're reading a book
In the kitchen
But she hasn't turned a page
In 45 fucking minutes
Eggshells
Then I realize I said yesterday
I'd start going on walks with her
But I didn't say it
With enough enthusiasm
Thank you.
Yo, Sandman,
what's your favorite vegetable?
Ah-ha, we get it.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
Unh, unh, unh, unh
Get up! Oh, everybody in the fucking arena
go fucking mental!
Oh, yeah
Feels so good
Kiss your body
Come on, let's get naughty
Now we're in the groove
Rocking so hard
Her belly's starting to move, yeah
I'm gonna show you how
Nothing in the world's
Gonna stop us now
So let's both ignore
That crazy pussy fart
Thank you.
The vagina fart
has been around a long time, girls.
No problem. It's fun.
The vagina fart, girls, I gotta say
still gets you every time.
Everybody. Every fellow here
enjoys them so much.
Just keep them coming, girls.
It just provides entertainment
in the bedroom.
Guys do not say nothing about it.
Guys will fucking ignore it every time.
Just because, you know,
if you comment on it, it's fucking over.
You're getting up and leaving
and that's it.
So you're like, "Okay, whatever the fuck
that was, let's keep...
Let's keep going forward."
I have been face-to-face
with the vagina fart.
I've been tagged pretty hard
by my wife right there.
I don't say shit.
You know, I might go like, "Uh."
I might give her one of those.
Hey, now.
But I always get right back in there
and finish off when I started.
You know, if my wife hits me
with like four or five of them in a row,
I might say, "I think you've got to do
some fucking jumping jacks or some shit.
You know, get a Q-Tip,
fucking pop that...
You got... Something's wrong.
Something's going on with you.
But when you come back,
I'll fucking finish you good.
I promise you.
If it was reversed...
let me just say...
the girls would not be as sweet to us.
If there was a dick fart,
if there was such a...
There's no dick fart,
but if there was a dick fart...
And it would be nothing.
It's such a little hole.
The sound would be nothing.
Your vaginas literally are like
acoustically fucking made
to blast out a boomer.
And... And we're just like, "All right,
let's play it off like it didn't happen."
With a dick fart, you'd be like...
At the most, it would sound like...
And you'd be like,
"Whoa, what the fuck is that?"
"I'm nervous. I don't know.
You don't think that's cute?
It sounds like a little Disney character.
Cinderelly."
"I'm leaving!"
We'd have to play it off
like it didn't happen.
Like, "No, I think the tea's ready.
My wife, one time, hit me in the face
with a combo platter.
She hit me with the vagina to the mouth...
Up high.
At the very same time,
hit me in the neck with the other...
the, uh...
She came up high and down low
at the very same time.
I fucking don't know what happened.
One time in 20 years.
Just fucking bam, in the face,
one in the neck.
Fucking hit me hard,
it was like the perfect storm.
We don't know
what she was eating that day,
but whatever the fuck it was,
she got me good.
I've got to say, it literally felt like
somebody opened the door
on a fucking airplane.
It was like, "Whoa!"
There was debris in the air and fucking...
Other passengers were floating
through my fucking room.
Oxygen masks dropped down.
You know, I was...
But I fucking took it like...
I did wish someone else saw it.
That was fucking incredible.
And then I hear the ghost go,
"I saw that shit. Oh, my God.
It fucking blew the ruler out of my hand."
So I tell my wife recently
I would love to try anal.
And I say to my wife,
"Hey, I would love to try anal."
And she goes, "Oh, I wouldn't."
And then I say, "Oh."
I said, "But I would."
And she goes, "Yeah, I know. I heard."
And then I said, "Okay, so let's..."
I really think we should.
She goes, "I'm just not into that."
And then I said, "You know, what?
I love you.
I'm gonna be with you
for the rest of my life.
I've been with you 20 years.
I've never cheated on you.
I never will cheat on you.
It's you and meagainst the world, baby.
And, uh... I really...
I got nowhere else to get this anal.
So...
I was like, "You've got
to fucking help me out.
It's a fantasy. Please?"
And, uh...
And she was nice. She said okay.
And so, on my birthday, she gave it up.
She gave it to me,
and she said she liked it.
She said it was fun
and she couldn't believe
she fit her whole fist inside me...
And so... I don't know.
I said, "You see? New experiences."
She's a good girl. That's my baby.
That's my baby.
Oh, Sandman.
That's too much.
Mmm
It's awfully cold in outer space today
The earth is just a tiny speck
A million miles away
I'm floating through the darkness
There's nothing much to see
And a Cosmonaut named Yuri
Is the only one with me
Mmm
Now we're in zero gravity
Just spinning round and round
The next thing you know
I'm right side up
And Yuri's upside down
My penis accidentally goes
In his mouth
His penis accidentally goes in mine
Yes, it's just another accident
On Station 69
Ladies and gentlemen... Yuri.
Hello, people of Earth.
It's awfully cold
In outer space tonight
Yes.
I sent a message back to Earth
To tell them we're all right, yes
I check the telescopes
And look for instruments to fix
But my favorite part of space
Is when we suck each other's dicks
Absolutely.
We're spinning around in circles
And it feels very nice
When we kiss each other's penis tips
It seems like paradise
- We're travelling in light speed
- Yes.
It's an intergalactic ride
Well, we used to have a monkey
Remember?
But I fucked it till it died
Yes, yes.
Yes, we're in zero gravity
Just spinning round and round
The next thing you know
I'm right-side up
And I am upside down
He accidentally puts his penis
In my mouth
And he puts his penis in mine
Yes, it's just another accident
It's just another thing
That on purpose I did
It's... It's just...
It's just another afternoon
On Station 69
Go! Go back! Go back to space!
Get out of here!
Take him away!
What are you doing?
Help him.
All right, guys, gonna do this one.
This is a very special song.
I hope you like it.
It means a lot to us. Here we go.
The first time I saw him
He was sweeter than shit
Plaid jacket and belt too tight
He wasn't even doing a bit
Then he cartwheeled around the room
And slow-danced with the cleaning lady
He was a one-man party
You know who I'm talking about
I'm talking about
My friend Chris Farley
On Saturday night
My man would always deliver
Whether he was the Bumblebee girl
Or livin' in a van down by the river
He loved the bears and did the dance
At Chippendale's with Swayze
When they replaced his coffee
With Folgers
He went fucking crazy
The sexiest Gap girl
And Meatloaf in the band
Without him, there'd be no Lunch Lady
In Lunch Lady Land
You know who I'm thinking about
I'm thinking about my boy Chris Farley
I love you, Sandman!
After a show
He'd drink a quart of Jack Daniels
And stick the bottle right up his ass
But hungover as hell
That Catholic boy
Always showed up to morning mass
We'd tell him, "Slow down
You'll end up like Belushi and Candy
He said, "Those guys are my heroes"
That's all fine and dandy
I ain't making that shit up
That's the truth
About my boy Chris Farley
I saw him in the office
Crying with his headphones on
Listening
To a KC and the Sunshine Band song
I said buddy, "How the hell
Is that making you so sad?"
Then he laughed and said
Just thinking about my dad
The last big hang we had
Was at Timmy Meadows' wedding party
We laughed our balls off
All night long
Off the coast of Florida
But a few months later
The party came to an end
We flew out to Madison
To bury our friend
Nothing was harder than saying goodbye
Except watching Chris' father
Have his turn to cry
Mmm
Hey, buddy, life's moved on
But you still bring us so much joy
Make my kids laugh
With your YouTube clips
OrTommy Boy
Well, when they ask me
Who's the funniest guy I ever knew
I tell them hands down
Without a doubt, it's you
Yeah, I miss hanging out
Watching you try to get laid
But most of all I miss
Watching you fuck with Spade
Well, it ended how you wanted
But I still wish you were here with me
And we were getting on a plane
To go shoot
Grown Ups 3
Yeah, life ain't the same
Without you, boy
And that's why I'm singing about
I'm singing about
My friend Chris Farley
And if we make enough noise
Maybe he'll hear us
Give it up for the great
Chris Farley
By far the funniestfucking guy
of all time,
the Farls, man.
Yeah, baby, so thank you.
I couldn't wait to sing that to you guys,
and I knew it would be special here.
And thank you.
He was the best.He was the best.
Okay, you guys,
I'm gonna sing you this song right now.
This is the kind of a sweet song.
I sing it to my wife, because she lets me
talk about so many things
in front of you people.
And she doesn't even get mad at me.
She's pretty damn cool.
So here we go.
I met you 20 years ago
And we talked all night
You drank me under the table
Yeah, it was love at first sight
I knew right then and there
I'd grow old with you
I said I'd tell you jokes
Whenever you are sad
Make you a mom if you made me a dad
Oh, it's been so much fun
Growing old with you
Oh, oh
I love you
Foot rub you
Tell you you're the only one
I'm thinking of
Make big decisions with you
Try new positions with you
Even sit and watch
Fucking Eat Pray Love
Two times in a row
Now when I'm on a diet
You take away my potatoes
Say, "Fuck all those guys"
After reading Rotten Tomatoes
I hope they all die miserable deaths
As I grow old with you
You scold me
You hold me
Look the other way
When I dress like a pimp
You cry to me
You lie to me
But only when you tell me
That the dick looks big
Now, we don't need a big house
We don't need any money
All we need is you and me
And Sadie and Sunny
I got everything I want
Growing old with you
And this goes for all of you guys
here tonight.
Yeah!
Thanks for growing old with...
Me
All right, you all, thank you so much.
Respect!
Rock and roll. I love you too.
Let's do it again sometime.
Thank you.Thank you.
Well, folks, I've been given the light
and I must go. But thank you very much.
Enjoy the rest of the show.
Ears
Ears
Ears
Ears
- I got... Go ahead.
- Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why did the chicken
cross the road? Why?
Because he wanted to get
some diarrhea to eat for breakfast.
Okay, your turn.
Hey, Dad. Hey, just so you know.
Don't forget, I'm Sadie.
Ah-ha. Go ahead, Sunny.
Why did the M&M walk away from me?
Why?
Because it wanted
to go pee on my dress.
Terrific.
Okay, ready, and...
Take your own cue, Adam. And action, Dan!
It was the perfect day
You had the sweetest smile
You were my only way
Yeah, we were doing it in style
We were walkin' and talkin'
And jammin' and jawin'
It was you and me against the world
Then you got hit by an electric car
'Cause you didn't hear it comin'
Fuck those cars. You should...
I have one. I have an electric car.
But at least I have the decency
when I'm driving,
to put my head out the window and go,
"Here comes the Sandman."
"Sandman coming. Watch out."
How about those Tesla's now
driving themselves?
Those Teslas, that's pretty cool.
They can drive themselves. Holy shit, man.
I got in an accident with a Tesla
and nobody was in there,
and I didn't know who to exchange
the information with...
and I started screaming,
"Hey, you fucker. What the fuck?"
And the Tesla's, you know, fucking
windshield wipers are flappin' about.
And I was like, "What the fuck
does that mean? You did it."
And its fucking lights
are going on and off.
Like it's saying, "Okay. All right."
And, uh...
Then we go to court
and I'm like,
"I'm going to fucking destroy this thing."
And then the Tesla shows up
in a neck brace,
and I say, "Oh, give me a fucking break.
What a liar. He's a fucking liar."
Oh, Grandma's roommate
Why do you talk so much?
Don't you know
I came to the nursing home
To see my grandma
I just said hello
To be polite
Now you're telling me
That my grandma was rude
'Cause she didn't share
Her unsugared candy
Well, I guess that calls
For a death pillow over your face
You ever go over to somebody's house
and, uh...
you ring the doorbell and the guy answers,
and he says, "Hey, take your shoes off"?
And then you go, "Oh, God. Okay."
And then he goes,
"Hey, take your socks off."
And you're like, "Take my socks off?"
And then he goes, "Roll up your pants."
You're like, "Roll my pants up?"
He puts some grapes down,
and goes, "Start stomping the grapes."
You're like, "What the fuck are we doing?"
He's like, "Making the wine!"
"You make me the wine."
Oh, no
Oh, no
Oh, no, no, no, no, no
Oh, no
God no
My mother's friend has a son
Who just moved to Hollywood
And she asked me to help him
My wife's always putting lotion
on my face.
Don't you put a lot of lotion
on your face out here in LA?
My wife fucking
really lathers on the lotion.
She always says she's looking out for me.
She just puts a lot of lotion.
Like, there's too much.
Doesn't rub it in either.
She just puts it on my forehead,
my cheeks, my nose...
Then I found out, before me,
my wife used to date a lemon meringue pie.
And I was like...
She still likes him.She still likes him.
I know she does.
I don't give a shit.
Daddy shaved his beard today
Mustache and sideburns went away
Daddy's lips are really small
Doesn't have a chin at all
Daddy made a big mistake
My father used to shave...
My dad had a beard,
and then, literally, every ten years
would shave his beard.
Like, didn't ask us, just fucking
came out of nowhere, shaved.
It was... Any time
my father shaved his beard,
it was the only time
you saw him look vulnerable.
When he first came out of the bathroom,
he was like...
I was like, "Dad has dimples?"
I didn't know Dad had dimples."
"It'll grow back."
Why'd you do it?
"I don't know.
It was...
It was itchy."
"It's been itchy for ten fucking years?"
I went to my friend's house
and he had a heated toilet seat.
I sat on his heated toilet seat.
I've got to say it made you relax.
I went a lot better than I usually go.
I came out and said, "I like that heated
toilet seat. Where'd you get that?"
He goes, "I don't have
a heated toilet seat."
You ever walking down the street
and you say hi to a baby?
And, uh...
And the baby goes...
And you're going, "Yeah, that's great."
And then... And the mother goes,
"He can say 'hi' back."
And you go, "Oh, yeah?"
And the kid goes...
You go, "There it is."
Then mother goes,
"No, he really can say it."
And the kid goes...
And you go, "Hey, that was great."
The mother goes,
"No, he really can say it."
And the kid goes...
And you go,
"There it is. That was it, right?"
And the mother's like,
"No! Say it. Say hi."
And the kid's like...
And... And then the mother's like,
"What the fuck? Say it!
You said it earlier!"
And the kid's like...
And you're like, "Hey, that was
a full sentence. That's better than 'Hi'."
And the mother's like, "What the...?
I'm so mad at you, baby!"
And then she like hands you the baby
and is like, "I've got to walk this off.
This is very discouraging for me.
He said it earlier!"
And you're holding the baby, like...
"Say it. Go ahead and say it. Say, 'Hi'.
Come on, you really upset your mother."
And the kid's looking at you...
And you're like, "Come on, get it out."
It's gonna make her feel better.
And the kid's like...
And you're like, "You can do it. Come on."
And the kid's like...
"Help me.
She... She...
She won't let me get vaccinated."
Come on, there's no proof
that that's good or bad yet.
"I've been getting sick a lot."
My hands are shaking
My heart's beating fast
I'm sweating through my cheap suit
How much longer can it last?
I'm an alcoholic lawyer
Facing the trial of my life
And I need to sober up quickly
If I want to make things right
Put the bottle down, son
There's an innocent man who needs you
Put the bottle down, son
There's nothing left to fear
Wait, what day is it?
Shit.
The trial was last week.
And he got the chair?
Well, let's have a few whiskey sours
In his memory
My wife and I,
we fool around pretty hardcore.
We go at a pretty good. It's fun.
You know, it's nice. We love each other,
and we fucking go pretty hard and...
It gets crazy.
It gets pretty fucking nuts in there
because it's only me and her,
nobody else.
So, we're like, "Let's fucking...
Let's do it all," you know?
We do, uh... We do have a safe word.
It's, "Really?"
My whole life, I always wanted
to be able to do a flip.
Wouldn't that be great?
I was always growing up, going,
"Man, I've got to get a flip going.
Everybody will love me
if I could just do a flip."
Everybody would be like,
"Whoa, did you see the Sandman?
He popped out a flip."
I just wanted to be
in a fucking Marshalls or something,
buying some cheap clothes
and going, "Hey, watch this."
Pop a flip and have
the fucking lady at the cash register go,
"Did you fucking see
that kid with the flip?"
I'd be like. "Hey, I do it all the time."
But I never got that one down, man.
I wish I did.
Always I was like...
I didn't know how to fucking practice.
That was the problem.
I didn't know how to do my first try.
I would always get to right about here,
and then go, "Ah, I don't know.
I'm gonna get hurt."
And when I got older, I wanted to learn
how to speak fluent Italian too.
And I did that. I mastered that.
So, I'm in Italy,
and I meet the Pope himself,
and in fluent Italian, I say to him,
"Hey, I love what you've done
for the Church.
I love what you you're doing
for the world.
America says, 'Hello.'
Um...
Am I getting into heaven?"
And in Italian he says,
"Can you do a flip?"
And I was like, "Madonne!"
Shit.
Did you ever have a friend
who rescues too many animals
and, like, never can do anything?
"Hey, you want to go out
in a couple days?"
"Ah, no, my chicken's eye fell out
and I've got to paste it back on."
"Oh, okay. That shouldn't take that long."
"Well, one of the ducks,
she isn't quacking, so...
I've got to look...
I've got to look into that."
Okay.
Dling!
By the way, I never met this man.
Uh, this one is
kind of a Bee Gee-esque tune.
Kind of a...
You like the Bee Gees out there?
I always liked the Bee Gees.
Slow
- Slow
- Slow
- Slow
- Slow
Mr. Slow Mo
- Mr. Slow Mo
- Slow
Slow
Mr. Slow Mo
Mr. Slow Mo
Slow, slow
- Mr. Slow Mo
- Mr. Slow Mo
- Slow, slow
- Mr. Slow
- Mr. Slow Mo
- Mr. Slow Mo
I'm the slow motion man
In the crosswalk
Walking just as slow as I can
Holding up the traffic
As I walk across the street
Hardly even seems
Like I'm picking up my feet
I'm the slow motion man
In the crosswalk
California laws will protect me
Then an earthquake hits
And I fall deep in a crack
And everybody cheers 'cause I'm dead
Slow, slow
Dying so slow
Thank you.
Come on, right
That's right, feel that shit
Unh, right
Come on, Daddy
Join in on this motherfucker
Would you?
Yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah
So, let's go
My Uber driver smells bad
Uber driver smells bad
Got a smelly Uber driver
Uber driver smells bad
- Yeah
- A smelly Uber driver
- Yeah, that's right
- Got a smelly Uber driver
Uber driver smells bad
Got a smelly Uber driver
He got a free water
If you want a drink drink
You know, what else he got
He got a stink stink
- Uber driver smells bad
- God damn, what the fuck?
- Got a smelly Uber driver
- Yeah
Uber driver smells bad
Right when I got inside
I was like, "Uh-oh"
This Honda Civic smells
Just like a butthole
- Uber driver smells bad
- What the fuck? Now, come on
- Got a smelly Uber driver
- Locked window
Uber driver smells bad
He rock the Google Maps
He rock the window tint
One thing he doesn't rock
Is that deodorant
- God damn, Speed Stick that shit
- Uber driver smells bad
- What the fuck? Come on
- Got a smelly Uber driver
Uber driver smells bad
I need the iPhone charged
I pass the cord back
And when you take a bath
Scrub the nutsack
- Scrub your nutsack
- What the fuck?
- Scrub your nutsack
- Common courtesy
This shit got germs
I can't believe the smell
In these Uber cars
Oh, wait, I shit my pants
I'll give him five stars
Give him five stars
- Damn
- Give him five stars
Turns out the smell was me
Better give him five stars
Word up, motherfucker, yeah
Oh, yes.
Oh, cotton candy making me randy
Multicolored lolli...
- What the hell happened?
- I fucked it up.
No! You don't just start over!
You apologize to me!
You don't just do that to the Sandman!
Okay.
Let's start again. We'll cut around it.
Not yet!
Hit it!
Hoo!
Yes, yes, yes.
Oh, cotton candy making me randy
Multicolor lollipop
Gobstopper never stop
Red attire...
I fucked up. All right, sorry.
Fuck that shit!
The Sandman don't fuck up.
Ooh, from the top.
Oh, cotton candy making me randy
Multicolor lollipop
Gobstopper never stop
Reese's Pieces, Charleston Chew
Butterfinger, Snickers too
Red Atomic Fireball
I want to eat them all
Give me a green Jolly Rancher
Let me hear you.
Let's go.
Laffy Taffy, Lemonhead
Cadbury Eggs will hatch
Kids from the Sourpatch
Milk Duds and Swedish Fish
Gummy bears and licorice
If you got a Kit Kat
I would like a taste of that
The doctor says I got diabetes
Thank you.
Yeah, okay, we did that again. I think
that was better than the first time.
Do you? Yes, yes. Absolutely.
Okay, here comes a song.
More dancing.
Yeah, let's hear you, Ohio
Ohio
Yes, sir.
Here we go, here we go, here we go.
Should we clap along?
All right, let's lose that. I hate it.
Sorry.
You were right on it.
It's a thing of mine, man.
I don't fucking like that shit.
It was startling me.
Well, we all know a guy
Who shaves his chest
We all know a guy
Who wears a leather vest
We all know a guy
Who knows a lot about coffee
We all know a stud
Who would fight anyone
We all know a fool
Who wears his hair in a bun
We all know a guy
Who says he fucked his babysitter
When he was 12
Yeah, we all know a guy
Who wears too much cologne
We all know a guy
Who's better when he's stoned
We all know a guy who hugs your wife
Five seconds too long
Well, we all know a guy
Who's starting a band
We all know a guy who's missing a hand
We all know a guy who doesn't work
But still goes twice a year to Ibiza
We all know a guy
Who said he almost went pro
We all know a guy with a red afro
We all know a guy who's dick color
Doesn't match his body
We all know a guy
Whose hair always looks wet
We all know a guy with a pig as a pet
We all know a guy who knows a guy
Who says he knows Guy Fieri
And we all know a guy
With weird allergies
We all know a guy
Who sneezes in threes
So how come we don't know
Who my real father is?
No!
Thank you.Thank you.
I'm a triple threat though. You didn't
know I could dance that fucking good.
Took many lessons growing up, man.
The hula... The hula hoop.
Hula hoop, by the way,
is very horny looking.
When I'm
at my fucking kids' birthday parties
and some kid gives me a hula hoop
and I'm doing it, I feel so fucking gross.
I'm going...
You see other parents like,
"What the fuck?"
Do you ever play miniature golf
with your daughter
and you're tied on the 18th hole?
And in the middle of her backswing,
you just say, "Hey, I tea-bagged
your mother this morning."
And then...
And then the kid sinks the putt
and goes, "Yeah, I know, I saw."
And you're like,
"This kid stays concentrated."
She's fucking good. She's got focus.
She could be somebody.
Are there married folks out there tonight?
Married folks.
I love it. Okay, this is for you guys.
You tell me I'm wrong
But I know I'm right
You say, "No fucking way"
But I insist that I'm right
So I pull out my phone
And I look it up
I right away see I was wrong
But I pretend I can't find the answer
So I fake like I'm still looking
And you say, "So who's right?"
I say, "My phone sucks"
And blame AT&T reception
Then you start to look it up
So I just grab your phone
And drop it into a glass of iced tea
Thank you.
Marriage is good, guys.
Marriage is good.
You'll like it one day
if you're not married.
You just got to keep it mysterious.
You got to keep the mystery alive.
Like, my wife has no idea
where I go for weeks at a time.
- It's fucking... It's a big mystery.
- You tell her where you are tonight?
Yeah, she knows I'm here.
My kids don't.
I just said I was
going downstairs to get an apple.
I always get these emails from
the kids' school that I've got to come in.
"It's Terrific Tuesday...
Make sure you come in."
And you're like, Terrific...
What the fuck is Terrific Tuesday?
Well, you come by the school
and you tell the kids
how terrific they are.
And I'm like, "Okay, Thirsty Thursday."
It's Thirsty Thursday. Come by.
You know, you help the kids
fill their water bottles.
I'm like, my father
literally came to school
one fucking time my whole school career.
He opened the door
in the middle of a fucking test,
and I hear, "Where'd you put the rake?
I'm like, "What?"
"You put it on the nail?"
- "I think I did."
- "You think?
"It's not there."
- "Okay."
- "It's not okay."
"I'll get it for you after school."
"No, you'll get it now!"
Okay, here we go.
One is a little guy hiding in a tree
Two are together
And they're swimming out to sea
Three on a Ferris wheel
Four at the zoo
Five in my pocket
Six in my shoe
Seven on a mountain top
Eight in a park
Nine in a gondola
Ten in the dark
It's everywhere you go
Everywhere you look
Everywhere you'll find an anti-Semite
There he is!
Joking.
He's not. Leave him alone.
Get the fucking lights off of him.
He seems like a decent man.
Sorry.
I am gonna read a book
Read a book, read a book
Gonna be a better man
Better man than I am
So I go to Amazon
Amazon dot com
And I buy a dozen books
Lots of books, smart books
They will ship them right away
Right away, in a day
And I have Amazon Prime
So it doesn't cost a dime
So I look at my new book
Take a look at my book
Right away I tune out
Don't like reading, get distracted
So I turn on my TV
TV good, reading bad
And I watch Property Brothers
For 11 fucking hours
Hello.
You ever...
How about the times you wake up...
Ever wake up like 4:30 in the morning
and you're like, "God damn it.
What am I doing up right now?"
4:30, can't fall asleep...
I'm fucking ruined for the day.
Ever do one of those things where you go,
"Let me just get out of bed,"
and live like those people who always go,
"Hey, I get up at 4:30 every day.
I do that for me. That's me time.
I spend the morning alone.
That's my time and it's the best.
It sets me in the right mood."
You're like, "Let me be
one of those fucking pricks.
I'll get up at 4:30."
And you get up at 4:30
and you make yourself breakfast.
You're like, "Wow, this is good.
making breakfast. I never do that."
And then you work out.
You're like, "I'm working out this early.
Holy shit. That's out of the way.
That's great."
And then you have yourself
another breakfast.
You're like,
"Okay, I'm running out of shit to do."
And then you flip on the news and you go,
"There's news before the news?
Who the fuck are these people?
They're very good.
They should be on the real news."
Then you go outside
and you see a bird eating a worm.
You're like,
"Is that the fucking early bird?
I've been hearing about that thing
for a long time."
There he is. Holy shit."
Then a bus shows up,
and your kids get on it.
You're like, "That's how they fucking
get to school. Nobody fucking told me...
What a day. This is interesting."
And then it's around 11 o'clock
and you're in the middle of a work meeting
and you're like, "How long
is this fucking day gonna go for?
Let me sleep!"
My wife's grandmother turned...
she turned 101 years old,
which is nice, 101 years old.
That's good for the family,
you know, good to have that
in your genes.
My daughter's got that great life.
My family, we fucking die...
I should be dead is all I'm saying.
It makes no sense that I'm here right now.
But 101 years old...
I went to her birthday,
I gave her 101 punches in the shoulder...
Just, she kept going, "Ooh."
And I was saying, "It's tradition.
We can't break tradition, Grandma."
She was like, "I want to break tradition."
I was like, "Well, you can't.
So, just fucking deal with 94 more."
And bam. "Oh!"
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Grandma died
Grandma died
Grandma died today
How are we gonna tell the kids?
Grandma died today
I guess I'll go to a bingo game
And steal
Somebody else's grandma
And hope that my dumb kids
Can't tell the difference
What's going on?
You getting this camera all set?
Don't get hurt.
That's a heavy fucking piece of machinery.
It's blocking you good.
You okay? You got your beer.
That's a big fucking beer, man.
Way to go.You get loose.
I dedicate this song
to the fucking drunk guy right there.
Here we go.
Yeah.
Shoop!
I love you!
I am a grown man
Pissing in the shower in my house
Yes, I am a grown man
Pissing in the shower in my house
I have no respect for my family
My kids will take a bath in here today
I know I should go to the toilet
But the toilet is too far
The toilet is too far away
I said the toilet is too far
The toilet is too far
Once when I was drunk, I...
Took a piss in the kitchen sink
But I prefer the shower
My wife's loofah is starting to stink
When my kids go to school
In the morning
They smell
Like they're soaking in piss
Sometimes before I shower
Sometimes before I shower
I eat some asparagus
I am an animal
I am a destroyer
They caught me pissing
In my neighbor's pool
And now I have to get a lawyer
It was worth it
Thank you!
That was fun.
Are you ever wiping yourself,
uh, back there...
You're wiping up pretty good,
and then you keep wiping.
And then you've really...
you've got to keep wiping.
And you wipe again,
and then you wipe another one.
Then you go, "You know what?
Just out of principal,
I'm stopping after this next one.
It's fucking enough already.
I don't care if I'm done or not.
This is fucking killing me.
Whatever happens happens.
Get me the fuck out of here.
I did my first dick pic, everybody.
Thank you.
A dick pick is...
that's a weird thing to do.
There's no reason for me to do it.
I'm fucking married.
But all my friends are doing them,
so I'm like, "What the fuck, let me just...
at least I can be part of the conversation
when they're talking
about their dick pics.
I can go, "Oh, yes, definitely."
You know?
So, I do my first dick pick.
I look back at it.
There's a ghost in the background.
So there's a ghost in the image,
and I'm like,
"I live in fucking haunted house?"
I had no idea. I want to show everybody...
'cause...
what are the chances of catching that?
But my dick doesn't look...
as good as I want it to look in the image.
Plus, you know,
the fucking ghost was really tall,
so he made my dick not look... exact.
Plus the fucking ghost was holding a ruler
next to my dick.
I was like, "What the fuck
is your problem?" to the ghost.
He was like...
The ghost was like,
"I live here too. I like to have fun."
All right, I'm gonna play guitar
a little bit for you.
My kid's only got one line in a play
My kid's only got one line in a play
My kid's only got one line in a play
My kid's only got one line in a play
And yet, the fact is
We still gotta practice
Every day
Oh, no, my kid's only got
One line in a play
My-my-my kid's only got
One line in a play
The dumb teacher
Gave the big parts away
Oh, no, my kid's only got
One line in a play
It's in the first five minutes
But my wife says
We still gotta stay the whole way
Fuck no
My kid's only got one line in a play
As soon as my wife looks the other way
I phone in a bomb scare
And I call it a day
Because my kid's only got
One line in a play
And she got it wrong
You love your kids more than anything
on the planet until like 9:30 at night.
And then you're like,
"Okay... that's enough.
I loved you all day long.
Just give me a little break.
I answered all your crazy questions.
I don't even know... I know nothing.
That does not fucking help
when you have to answer your kid.
I've got to make up every goddamn answer.
"Are whales smart, Daddy?"
"Well, you know, they're more street smart
than book smart, but..."
I don't fucking know anything
about whales.
My daughter plays basketball,
my nine year old.
So, I go and see her play basketball,
and she's a sweetheart of a kid.
And every time they put the kid
in the game, I get so excited.
I take my video camera out,
and I fucking video everything she does.
And so, a couple Sundays ago,
I'm videoing my daughter
and another dad goes,
"Hey, can you email me that
when you're done?"
And I go, "Yeah, absolutely, dude.
And then I'm videoing my kid
and then I remembered.
Actually, when I video my kid,
I say a lot of things, and...
It's always not stuff
I want other people to hear.
And I'm always like,
"Okay, you got it, you little cutie.
You've got the ball. You're so good.
Look how good you are.
You take the ball. Pass it to my kid.
Somebody pass it to my kid.
I'll get a break your fucking neck,
I swear to God.
Give that fucking ball to my fucking kid.
You all suck out there."
And I was like, "I better not
email that to that man there.
So I just emailed him
the ghost/dick pic thing.
The guy was like,
"What the fuck's with the ruler?"
I go, "Yeah, the ghost was an asshole.
Fuck that guy."
"I'm with you."
My little sweet daughter...
the sixth grader,
she comes back from school
and she's like,
"All the boys keep saying,
'That's what she said...'
and then they all laugh."
- "Why Daddy?"
- And I was like, "Oh, boy."
"Yeah, it seems like anything I say,
they say, 'That's what she said.'
They look at each other,
and they just laugh and laugh.
And I'm confused. Help me Dad-da."
And so, I'm like, "Okay,
how do I explain this to her?"
And I'm trying to just figure out,
you know, the right way to do it,
in a clean way, no cursing.
And I'm just going,
"Uh... uh... uh... uh, well, it's a..."
And then my kid goes,
"That's okay, Daddy. You tried your best."
And I was like, "That's what she said."
All right, let's do this.
That's not true. None of that...
None of this fucking story...
All this is a lie. All right.
I'll take the large, please
Can't believe my eyes
Sprinkles and fudge
And a smelly surprise
Oh, ice cream lady
Thank you for letting me
Eat your pussy
Come on.
You know you would fucking go
to that ice cream place all the time.
Oh, Sandman.
That's too much.
Okay.
Just getting ready.
The pilot had a heart attack
The co-pilot can't be found
The people in the aisles are screaming
They know the plane's going down
We need a hero, someone to save us
We need a hero to land the plane
We need a hero who's going to do it
We need a hero to save the day
So I jump to my feet and I volunteer
The people on the plane
All start to cheer
I get a high-five from a baby
And a hickey from a flight attendant
So I go in the cockpit
Put the headset on
And grab the main control
Then right away I crash the plane
Because I don't know what I'm doing
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Yeah.
Thank you.
We're on a runaway train
The conductor had a meltdown
The people in the dining car
Are screaming really, really loud
We need a hero, someone to save us
Yeah, we need a hero
To bring us through the danger
We need a hero, somebody competent
We need a hero to save the day, yeah
So I put the engineer's hat
On the top of my head
The people go fucking crazy
A guy says, "You're the man, man"
And a deaf woman signs
"Go get 'em"
Then I go to the cab
And I toot the whistle
That's something I always wanted to do
Then right away we fly off the bridge
Because I don't know what I'm doing
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
Ahh.
We're in a nice family restaurant
Somebody's grandma's choking
On a lamb chop
There's panic in the air
As Nana's face turns blue
The busboy screams in Spanish
"What the fuck do we do?"
We need a hero who's gonna do it
We need a hero
To clean out her windpipe
We need a hero
Who's down with Heimlich
We need a hero to save the day, yeah
So I slap my napkin down on the table
And I get a fucking standing ovation
Another guy gets up
And says he's a doctor
I say, "Sit the fuck down
I got this shit"
Then I wrap my arms
Around Grandma's chest
And I look her grandkids
Deep in the eyes
Then right away...
Then right away I break all her ribs
Because I don't know what I'm doing
Grandma!
What the fuck was that?
After every joke...
This is one that we don't play that much
But, uh...
but I figured it's fucking Jersey.
I think you guys might enjoy this.
So here we go.
Thirteenth birthday
People come from far away
Aunts and uncles show up
I brush my fro up
Feeling skittish
People speaking Yiddish
Buy a freaky suit and tie
Tailor's hanging on my thigh
Practice for the whole year
Paralyzed with fear
Hebrew flash cards on my walls
Voice is changing, dropped my balls
Dad's mad at the cost
Too bad Mom's the boss
Grandmas are full of joy
For the Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Okay, up on the podium
I'm staring out at everyone
Can't remember how it goes
Whistle from my rabbi's nose
Oh, man, this is it
Make up some crazy shit
Baruch atah, a cha-cha-cha
Everybody says, "Good job"
Now I'm done, sweet relief
Lipstick on Mama's teeth
Catholic friends all ask me this
"What the fuck is a knish?"
Kids are all coming in
Checks and bonds and fountain pens
Make a bank deposit
Make out in the closet
He's the Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
The rabbi does the Electric Slide
Grandma's ass is six feet wide
Party music never stops
All my friends drinking schnapps
Boys are short, girls are tall
Pass me the alcohol
Chug as much as I can
Vomit on the klezmer band
Mom and Dad yell at me
This strains my family
But I'm a man, so I don't care
Got my first mustache hair
I'm the Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
And it's the best day of my life
Until three years later
When my parents stop
Making me go to temple
Very nice, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
So I'll tell you a little story
about Disney World.
You want to hear
a true Adam Sandler Story?
Please, I can... Okay.
So you guys have been
to Disney World, right?
The families have been there.
Who doesn't have kids
and still goes to Disney World?
You fucking stoners.
I'm on to you.
All right, so I go
to Disney World recently
with my wife and the two kids.
My kids wanted
to go on this roller coaster.
They were very excited.
So, we wait on the line.
We're waiting.
You know the lines are very long.
So, it takes like an hour and 15 minutes.
We get to the front of the line,
and then the roller coaster, we find out,
only takes three people at a time.
So, there's four of us.
And I see my wife and the two kids
just immediately start walking
to the thing.
And I was like, we're not even
gonna flip a coin. Not...
Not even a thought, right?
They're like, "No, no..."
I was like, "Yeah. All right."
And so, I'm sitting there very angry.
I'm stewing.
Like, "I waited a fucking hour
and 15 minutes
to go on this fucking shit with you guys,
and you fucking bail on me."
Then I see it happens to some other dad
from Oklahoma, and he's muttering.
He's like, "Goddamn motherfucker...
They're mean as shit.
And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah."
And then I say to the other dad,
I go, "You want fucking me and you
to go on it together?
And he's like, "What?"
I go, "Well, I'm not going alone.
Let's fucking do this shit.
I'll go with you."
And he's like,
"Yeah, whatever the fuck you want."
And so...
So I get on the roller coaster
with the guy
and we're both not talking to each other.
The roller coaster takes off,
and you know how they take off
so fucking fast...
that both our necks snap back,
and we look at each other.
And he's like "Ooh, that got me."
I was like, "Oh, yeah,
that was fucked up, man."
We start laughing a little bit.
And we're fucking
all of a sudden loosening up.
And we're fucking doing all the... jetting,
banging into these fucking crazy turns.
I'm fucking leaning,
100% leaning on the guy.
He's looking at me like, "What the fuck?"
I was like, "Hey, here we are."
And we're laughing our asses off.
And I'm like, "Holy shit, I haven't been
this happy in at least 11 years.
I know that, but whatever,
I'm fucking... jetting around,
fucking doing loop-the-loops.
He's fucking bumping my first.
I'm like, "Yeah, motherfucker."
He's like, "Yeah, baby."
We get to the end. The fucking...
You know how the break
comes out of nowhere.
It fucking screeches on,
both our fucking heads snap again.
He's like, "They got us again.
I was like, "Fuck yeah, we'll never learn.
So, uh, we're creeping up
to, you know, getting off the ride,
how it's like a little slow at exit,
and we're sitting there,
and I'm fucking...
I feel this crazy pain in my heart,
and I'm like, "Did I fucking fall in love
with this guy or some shit?
What happened?
And he's not looking at me.
I'm like this guy feels it too,
'cause he's in a fucking daze.
We're both...
And my kids are like,
"Come on, let's go to Peter Pan."
I was like, "All right, in a minute."
I'm yelling at the kids too loud.
"I've got to say goodbye to the man."
And, uh...
I get off. I go, "Hey, nice to meet you."
He's like, "Yeah, nice to meet you."
He won't look at me,
and we're both all fucked up.
He goes back to his family,
I go back to mine.
I'm walking away.
In my head, I'm like, "I'm never gonna see
that fucking guy again,
and I don't feel good about that.
Um...
And then I...
And then I go...
"They take your picture though...
on those rides.
You know, just for memory's sake.
Just, what the fuck, I'm gonna go see,
maybe they snapped us, maybe they didn't.
But if they did... why not?
Fuck it, you know. Let's just see."
And so, we...
We go to the, uh...
I go to that place
where there's the fucking monitor up.
Sure enough, there's a picture
of me and the guy,
upside down, in the loop-the-loop...
staring so deep into each other's eyes.
It was fucking bananas.
I was like, "Okay, he felt it.
He definitely felt it too."
So, I say to the lady behind the counter,
"Hey, how much is that?"
And the lady goes, "Sixty-five dollars."
I was like, "Oh. Okay."
And then I take my phone out,
and I fucking snap a shot of it.
And then I feel this energy behind me.
I look back, and it's the guy
from Oklahoma.
He's holding the picture he just bought.
And he was like, "I wasn't worth it?"
So, anyways...
If that man is watching
my Netflix special right now,
I think of you a lot, sir.
I think of you a lot.
All right, Milwaukee,
let's fucking do this shit. Here we go.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah
Here we go again
Come on
I'm heading out
And all I'm taking with me
Is my phone, wallet, keys
Yeah, phone, wallet, keys
Just those three things, please
Need my phone, wallet, keys
Got my credit cards in my wallet
Got my phone, you can call it
Masterlock on my front door
That's what my motherfucking keys
Are for
My phone, wallet, keys
Yeah, phone, wallet, keys
Good things come in threes
Need my phone, wallet, keys
If I'm going to the zoo
I need my phone, wallet, keys
If I'm getting a face tattoo
I need my phone, wallet, keys
If I'm going out to a wedding
If it's winter time and I'm sledding
If I'm at the Daddy-Daughter dance
My phone, wallet, keys are in my pants
I'm going on vacation
To the West Indies
And I don't got no luggage
Just got phone, wallet, keys
I roll on up to the airport
Lady asks for my passport
Fuck.
Okay.
Guess I need my phone
Wallet, passport, keys
Phone, wallet, passport, keys
Now I need four things, bitch, please
Phone, wallet, passport, keys
I'm finally on the plane
I'm riding Delta, Delta
The lady farted next to me
I smelled her, I smelled her
We get to 30,000 feet
I recline my fucking seat
About to watch a movie, stop
I forgot my laptop
Mm, motherfucker
Damn it
Now I need my laptop
Phone, wallet, passport, keys
Laptop, phone, wallet, passport, keys
Too much shit, five fucking things
Laptop, phone, wallet, passport, keys
I'm swinging my shit all over the place
I'm hurting ya, I'm hurting ya
I'm carrying so much shit
I got a hernia, a hernia
No place to put it, what can I do?
Probably should take my iPad too
What the fuck else did I forget?
Sandman, you need tons of shit
My Tic Tacs, my backpack
My Zippo lighter, my charge pack
My sunglasses, my hairspray
- My headphones
- They're Beats by Dre
My notebook, my GoPro
My vape pen, my crossbow
My toothpick, my pocket knife
Oh, fuck, I forgot my wife
- Phone, wallet, keys
- God damn
Phone, wallet, keys
It used to be so easy
With my phone, my wallet
And my keys-ee
Phone, wallet, keys, yeah
Phone, wallet, keys
It used to be a breez-ee
With my phone, my wallet
And my keys-ee
My pockets got so heavy
Now I'm cramping, I'm cramping
Each time I leave my house
It's like I'm camping, I'm camping
I'm miserable, just standing around
I'm like a walking lost and found
You know I'd rather stay at home
- Where all I need's my fucking phone
- Phone, phone, phone
- Yeah
- Phone, phone, phone
Much happier at home
Just playing with my phone
- Phone, phone, phone
- Yeah
Phone, phone, phone
Yeah, I'll just stay at home
And fiddle with my phone on the toilet
I'm gonna do my first mic drop.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You just got Sandoozled.
Yeah, yeah.
Sweet, sweet, sweet.
That was a good ending.
Thank you.
Whoa, what the fuck is that? What is that?
Oh, shit, you scared me with that one.
Give me a second.
Wait, okay. Okay, here we go.
This one's fun.
He's a very strong lad
But he hasn't been laid in years
Because the strong and handsome lad
Has a terrible case of UFC ears
UFC ears, UFC ears
Cauliflower wrestling, UFC ears
UFC ears, UFC ears
Swollen and disfigured UFC ears
He can beat you in the Octagon
Afterwards drink 30 beers
But that doesn't change
The horrible fact
He also has a case of UFC ears
UFC ears, UFC ears
Tiny little holes in his UFC ears
UFC ears, UFC ears
Can't stop looking at those UFC ears
Heavyweight boxers get the broken nose
Ballet dancers
Have those fucked up toes
MLB pitchers all have crazy beards
But I can't believe these guys
Can fucking hear
With those UFC ears
UFC ears
Puffy and disturbing UFC ears
UFC ears, that's right, UFC ears
Cries himself to sleep
He's got UFC ears
Now, after the show tonight
I'll be shaking
With cheeks wet with tears
Because he's going to find me
And beat my fucking head in
Screaming, "Welcome to the club
Of UFC ears"
Ears
Ears
Ears
Ears
Yeah.
Oh my.
That's some smokey shit.
This is not from us.
There is a fucking fire.
Let's get the fuck out of here. Quick.
No, I'm just joking.
Don't... don't bail on me.
Is that going into your mouth?
That's... Yeah, that's...
That's what she said. Yes. Very good.
That was fun.
Really good.
I liked that.
Yes, those UFC guys,
they are built pretty fucking good.
I can't stand...
That's the only reason I don't watch.
I get so angry
at how fucking chiselled
these fucking guys are.
I go to the gym, of course,
but I just go to pick my wife up.
I'm always like, "Hey, how was that?
How'd it go in there?"
She's like, "You've got to come in."
I'm like, "Yeah, definitely."
I got old enough now
that I don't take my shirt off anymore.
I'm 51, 51 years old.
So, I don't take my shirt off anymore
when I go swimming
at, like, a hotel pool with my kids.
I keep my fucking shirt on.
I'm swimming,
and everyone's pointing and stuff,
and like this lifeguard was yelling at me.
"You can't do that."
I'm like, "What the fuck is...
I'm humiliated, buddy. I just don't want
to take my fucking shirt off."
He's like, "No, you've got to wear
a bathing suit, your dick is out."
I'm like, "Oh, okay.
Oh, this is, uh...
one of the fancy Howard Johnson's.
I got you.
Fuck. Sorry, man."
The guys over 50 know
what I'm talking about.
The testicles do get bigger and bigger
as you get older.
They hang lower
and whatever the fuck happens...
You know, you've seen it
at the YMCA your whole life,
the older men with the giant balls,
and you're always wondering
why they're so free and happy, fucking...
Those are like the 85-year-old guys.
They don't give a fuck.
They just swing it... and whatever.
They don't even think
of throwing a towel on.
They're just like, "This is it.
I only got a few years left.
I want... You should remember me how I am,
with these giant..."
My balls are not that big,
but they still don't make sense
on my body.
My dick literally looks
like it's sitting in a bean bag chair.
Yeah, it's so comfortable.
My dick never...
it never wants to leave the balls.
It's always just resting.
So nice, like, "I love you guys.
You're my best friends."
The new giant balls get me into trouble
with my wife now,
because we're both not used to them.
I'm behind her doing my thing,
what you do when you're behind your wife.
And I'll hear, "Hey, hey, no spanking."
I'm like, "That wasn't me.
That was... That was those guys, babe."
And she's like, "Oh...
Oh, you got me again."
Okay, this is for the people
who either live together
or have been married for awhile.
Okay? This is for you.
You're giving me a strange look
In the mirror
As I brush my teeth
I don't know
What I could have done wrong
'Cause I literally just woke up
Maybe you had a dream
That I cheated on you
Or you remember something mean I said
Like two fucking years ago
All I know is that all day long
It's gonna be weird
Eggshells
Why the hell is she walking past me
Without talking?
Eggshells
I told her her hair looked good
And that somehow made things worse
Eggshells
When she picks up the phone
She uses a nice voice
But when she hangs up
It's back to fucking monotone
Eggshells
I see you're reading a book
In the kitchen
But she hasn't turned a page
In 45 fucking minutes
Eggshells
Then I realize I said yesterday
I'd start going on walks with her
But I didn't say it
With enough enthusiasm
Thank you.
Yo, Sandman,
what's your favorite vegetable?
Ah-ha, we get it.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
Unh, unh, unh, unh
Get up! Oh, everybody in the fucking arena
go fucking mental!
Oh, yeah
Feels so good
Kiss your body
Come on, let's get naughty
Now we're in the groove
Rocking so hard
Her belly's starting to move, yeah
I'm gonna show you how
Nothing in the world's
Gonna stop us now
So let's both ignore
That crazy pussy fart
Thank you.
The vagina fart
has been around a long time, girls.
No problem. It's fun.
The vagina fart, girls, I gotta say
still gets you every time.
Everybody. Every fellow here
enjoys them so much.
Just keep them coming, girls.
It just provides entertainment
in the bedroom.
Guys do not say nothing about it.
Guys will fucking ignore it every time.
Just because, you know,
if you comment on it, it's fucking over.
You're getting up and leaving
and that's it.
So you're like, "Okay, whatever the fuck
that was, let's keep...
Let's keep going forward."
I have been face-to-face
with the vagina fart.
I've been tagged pretty hard
by my wife right there.
I don't say shit.
You know, I might go like, "Uh."
I might give her one of those.
Hey, now.
But I always get right back in there
and finish off when I started.
You know, if my wife hits me
with like four or five of them in a row,
I might say, "I think you've got to do
some fucking jumping jacks or some shit.
You know, get a Q-Tip,
fucking pop that...
You got... Something's wrong.
Something's going on with you.
But when you come back,
I'll fucking finish you good.
I promise you.
If it was reversed...
let me just say...
the girls would not be as sweet to us.
If there was a dick fart,
if there was such a...
There's no dick fart,
but if there was a dick fart...
And it would be nothing.
It's such a little hole.
The sound would be nothing.
Your vaginas literally are like
acoustically fucking made
to blast out a boomer.
And... And we're just like, "All right,
let's play it off like it didn't happen."
With a dick fart, you'd be like...
At the most, it would sound like...
And you'd be like,
"Whoa, what the fuck is that?"
"I'm nervous. I don't know.
You don't think that's cute?
It sounds like a little Disney character.
Cinderelly."
"I'm leaving!"
We'd have to play it off
like it didn't happen.
Like, "No, I think the tea's ready.
My wife, one time, hit me in the face
with a combo platter.
She hit me with the vagina to the mouth...
Up high.
At the very same time,
hit me in the neck with the other...
the, uh...
She came up high and down low
at the very same time.
I fucking don't know what happened.
One time in 20 years.
Just fucking bam, in the face,
one in the neck.
Fucking hit me hard,
it was like the perfect storm.
We don't know
what she was eating that day,
but whatever the fuck it was,
she got me good.
I've got to say, it literally felt like
somebody opened the door
on a fucking airplane.
It was like, "Whoa!"
There was debris in the air and fucking...
Other passengers were floating
through my fucking room.
Oxygen masks dropped down.
You know, I was...
But I fucking took it like...
I did wish someone else saw it.
That was fucking incredible.
And then I hear the ghost go,
"I saw that shit. Oh, my God.
It fucking blew the ruler out of my hand."
So I tell my wife recently
I would love to try anal.
And I say to my wife,
"Hey, I would love to try anal."
And she goes, "Oh, I wouldn't."
And then I say, "Oh."
I said, "But I would."
And she goes, "Yeah, I know. I heard."
And then I said, "Okay, so let's..."
I really think we should.
She goes, "I'm just not into that."
And then I said, "You know, what?
I love you.
I'm gonna be with you
for the rest of my life.
I've been with you 20 years.
I've never cheated on you.
I never will cheat on you.
It's you and meagainst the world, baby.
And, uh... I really...
I got nowhere else to get this anal.
So...
I was like, "You've got
to fucking help me out.
It's a fantasy. Please?"
And, uh...
And she was nice. She said okay.
And so, on my birthday, she gave it up.
She gave it to me,
and she said she liked it.
She said it was fun
and she couldn't believe
she fit her whole fist inside me...
And so... I don't know.
I said, "You see? New experiences."
She's a good girl. That's my baby.
That's my baby.
Oh, Sandman.
That's too much.
Mmm
It's awfully cold in outer space today
The earth is just a tiny speck
A million miles away
I'm floating through the darkness
There's nothing much to see
And a Cosmonaut named Yuri
Is the only one with me
Mmm
Now we're in zero gravity
Just spinning round and round
The next thing you know
I'm right side up
And Yuri's upside down
My penis accidentally goes
In his mouth
His penis accidentally goes in mine
Yes, it's just another accident
On Station 69
Ladies and gentlemen... Yuri.
Hello, people of Earth.
It's awfully cold
In outer space tonight
Yes.
I sent a message back to Earth
To tell them we're all right, yes
I check the telescopes
And look for instruments to fix
But my favorite part of space
Is when we suck each other's dicks
Absolutely.
We're spinning around in circles
And it feels very nice
When we kiss each other's penis tips
It seems like paradise
- We're travelling in light speed
- Yes.
It's an intergalactic ride
Well, we used to have a monkey
Remember?
But I fucked it till it died
Yes, yes.
Yes, we're in zero gravity
Just spinning round and round
The next thing you know
I'm right-side up
And I am upside down
He accidentally puts his penis
In my mouth
And he puts his penis in mine
Yes, it's just another accident
It's just another thing
That on purpose I did
It's... It's just...
It's just another afternoon
On Station 69
Go! Go back! Go back to space!
Get out of here!
Take him away!
What are you doing?
Help him.
All right, guys, gonna do this one.
This is a very special song.
I hope you like it.
It means a lot to us. Here we go.
The first time I saw him
He was sweeter than shit
Plaid jacket and belt too tight
He wasn't even doing a bit
Then he cartwheeled around the room
And slow-danced with the cleaning lady
He was a one-man party
You know who I'm talking about
I'm talking about
My friend Chris Farley
On Saturday night
My man would always deliver
Whether he was the Bumblebee girl
Or livin' in a van down by the river
He loved the bears and did the dance
At Chippendale's with Swayze
When they replaced his coffee
With Folgers
He went fucking crazy
The sexiest Gap girl
And Meatloaf in the band
Without him, there'd be no Lunch Lady
In Lunch Lady Land
You know who I'm thinking about
I'm thinking about my boy Chris Farley
I love you, Sandman!
After a show
He'd drink a quart of Jack Daniels
And stick the bottle right up his ass
But hungover as hell
That Catholic boy
Always showed up to morning mass
We'd tell him, "Slow down
You'll end up like Belushi and Candy
He said, "Those guys are my heroes"
That's all fine and dandy
I ain't making that shit up
That's the truth
About my boy Chris Farley
I saw him in the office
Crying with his headphones on
Listening
To a KC and the Sunshine Band song
I said buddy, "How the hell
Is that making you so sad?"
Then he laughed and said
Just thinking about my dad
The last big hang we had
Was at Timmy Meadows' wedding party
We laughed our balls off
All night long
Off the coast of Florida
But a few months later
The party came to an end
We flew out to Madison
To bury our friend
Nothing was harder than saying goodbye
Except watching Chris' father
Have his turn to cry
Mmm
Hey, buddy, life's moved on
But you still bring us so much joy
Make my kids laugh
With your YouTube clips
OrTommy Boy
Well, when they ask me
Who's the funniest guy I ever knew
I tell them hands down
Without a doubt, it's you
Yeah, I miss hanging out
Watching you try to get laid
But most of all I miss
Watching you fuck with Spade
Well, it ended how you wanted
But I still wish you were here with me
And we were getting on a plane
To go shoot
Grown Ups 3
Yeah, life ain't the same
Without you, boy
And that's why I'm singing about
I'm singing about
My friend Chris Farley
And if we make enough noise
Maybe he'll hear us
Give it up for the great
Chris Farley
By far the funniestfucking guy
of all time,
the Farls, man.
Yeah, baby, so thank you.
I couldn't wait to sing that to you guys,
and I knew it would be special here.
And thank you.
He was the best.He was the best.
Okay, you guys,
I'm gonna sing you this song right now.
This is the kind of a sweet song.
I sing it to my wife, because she lets me
talk about so many things
in front of you people.
And she doesn't even get mad at me.
She's pretty damn cool.
So here we go.
I met you 20 years ago
And we talked all night
You drank me under the table
Yeah, it was love at first sight
I knew right then and there
I'd grow old with you
I said I'd tell you jokes
Whenever you are sad
Make you a mom if you made me a dad
Oh, it's been so much fun
Growing old with you
Oh, oh
I love you
Foot rub you
Tell you you're the only one
I'm thinking of
Make big decisions with you
Try new positions with you
Even sit and watch
Fucking Eat Pray Love
Two times in a row
Now when I'm on a diet
You take away my potatoes
Say, "Fuck all those guys"
After reading Rotten Tomatoes
I hope they all die miserable deaths
As I grow old with you
You scold me
You hold me
Look the other way
When I dress like a pimp
You cry to me
You lie to me
But only when you tell me
That the dick looks big
Now, we don't need a big house
We don't need any money
All we need is you and me
And Sadie and Sunny
I got everything I want
Growing old with you
And this goes for all of you guys
here tonight.
Yeah!
Thanks for growing old with...
Me
All right, you all, thank you so much.
Respect!
Rock and roll. I love you too.
Let's do it again sometime.
Thank you.Thank you.
Well, folks, I've been given the light
and I must go. But thank you very much.
Enjoy the rest of the show.
Ears
Ears
Ears
Ears
- I got... Go ahead.
- Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why did the chicken
cross the road? Why?
Because he wanted to get
some diarrhea to eat for breakfast.
Okay, your turn.
Hey, Dad. Hey, just so you know.
Don't forget, I'm Sadie.
Ah-ha. Go ahead, Sunny.
Why did the M&M walk away from me?
Why?
Because it wanted
to go pee on my dress.
Terrific.