Addams Family Values (1993) Movie Script
[Howling]
[Howling]
Come, sorrow.
We welcome thee.
Let us join in grief,
rejoice in despair,
and honor
the fortunate dead.
Dearly beloved...
[Cat meows]
Shh!
Tsk tsk tsk.
Good show, old man.
Gomez.
Cara Mia?
Marvelous news.
I'm going to have a baby...
Right now.
Nurse, how close
are the contractions?
Every 15 seconds,
doctor.
Are you in
unbearable pain?
Is it inhuman?
My darling, is it torture?
Oui.
And then mommy
kissed daddy,
and the angel
told the stork.
The stork
flew down from heaven
and left a diamond under a leaf
in the cabbage patch,
and the diamond
turned into a baby.
Our parents
are having a baby, too.
They had sex.
Push, Mrs. Addams.
[Moans lightly]
Forceps!
Forceps.
Forceps!
Aah!
[Crying]
Would you like
anesthesia?
No, thank you.
But ask the children.
Cara Mia.
Mon Cher.
Mrs. Addams, the baby?
Pardon.
- It's a boy.
- It's a girl.
- Gomez!
- What news?
Father,
what is it?
It's an Addams!
I've arranged a little surprise,
my dearest.
I hope you like it.
Oh, Gomez, it's dark,
it's depressing, it's desolate.
It says, "toddler."
It's a dream.
Come, Cara Mia.
The Addams cradle.
[Crying]
[Roar]
Welcome home, my son.
[Baby laughs]
That's not true.
Everyone knows it is.
When you have a new baby,
one of the other children has to die.
- Really?
- It's a tradition. One of us has to go.
Which one?
Well, they only need
one boy.
He has
my father's eyes.
Gomez, take those
out of his mouth.
Coochie coochie coo.
A baby in the house.
It's about time.
Hey, kiddo.
Did you see that?
He's a real devil.
Pugsley, the baby
weighs 10 pounds.
The cannonball
weighs 20 pounds.
Which will hit
the stone walkway first?
I'm still on fractions.
Which do you think?
The cannonball?
Very good.
But which one will bounce?
The baby?
There's only one way
to find out.
Ready?
1...
2...
What a glorious evening.
Rain.
Cara Mia.
Oh, dear.
Children,
why do you hate the baby?
We just want
to play with him.
Especially his head.
Do you think we love the baby
more than you?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Do you think when
a new baby arrives,
another child
has to die?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Well,
that's just not true.
Not anymore.
It's just
sibling rivalry.
Gomez, do you remember
what we were like?
- I hated you!
- I despised you.
I choked him
till he lost consciousness
and had to be put
on a respirator.
I tied him to a tree
and pulled out four
of his permanent teeth.
When he was asleep,
I opened his skull
and removed his brains.
You did?
A brother!
Brother!
Children, you see?
"Death! Death
to the enemies
of the people
of the Republic."
Hoorah!
Justice is served.
Bring forward
the evil one.
[La marseillaise plays]
You have betrayed
the people of France.
You are evil incarnate.
How do you plead?
[Pugsley]
Guilty.
Guilty
by her own admission.
The sentence is death.
Executioner,
place her on the block.
1...
2...
Children,
what are you doing?
- Playing!
- Playing!
3!
Woe to the Republic.
Look at you.
Midnight, moonlight,
surrounded by death.
It's been too long.
Do it!
Hold him still!
[Gunshot,
glass breaking]
You missed.
Here, catch!
I don't want him!
[Glass breaking]
One house,
three children.
So many windows.
My darling, it's you
I'm worried about,
the stress,
all this squabbling.
Oh, I'll be fine.
I'm just like any modern woman,
trying to have it all--
loving husband, a family.
It's just
I wish I had more time
to seek out
the dark forces
and join their hellish crusade,
that's all.
You can! You shall!
So it must be!
[Glass breaking]
But how?
Children,
as your new nanny,
I know that we're
all concerned
about the environment,
so this morning,
let's discuss
how to prevent
forest fires.
Prevent them?
All right, children,
I've had it
up to here.
Now you just answer
one simple question.
Where is that baby?
Which part?
Hello, kiddies.
I'm Polly the puppet.
What shall we do today?
I know.
Let's all clean our rooms.
Hello, Polly.
I'll clean my room
in exchange
for your immortal soul.
[Pounding]
Hi. Addams residence?
Ooh, it's old.
And big.
Lurch.
Hi! Hi. I'm Debbie jellinsky
from the agency.
The agency?
But they claimed
no one else was available.
They suggested
a doberman.
Surprise!
I've been out of town.
Are you the mom?
I am Mrs. Addams.
I love your dress.
It's so tight.
Thank you.
Gomez.
I believe we may have
a new nanny...
Miss jellinsky.
Deb.
Isn't he a lady-killer?
Acquitted.
I'll show you
all my references
so you'll know
I'm not a homicidal maniac.
- Of course you're not.
- You're too young.
Welcome to our home.
There's a belfry,
a swamp,
and a dungeon down below.
- Cable?
- Of course.
Debbie.
Oh, is that
the little critter?
Oh, no.
This is our baby.
He's adorable. He's perfect.
What's his name?
It was agony.
We went through
all the usual baby names...
Lucifer...
Benito...
Mao.
Then we came
to our senses,
something a child
could live with...
Pubert.
Pubert...
I like it.
It's filthy.
May I?
Your dress,
is it flammable?
You've had your shots--
measles, mumps, rabies?
Oh, I just adore
little babies.
I just want to squeeze them
till there's not a breath left
in their tiny little bodies.
Hello, pubert.
I love you.
[Knock on door]
Children, this is miss jellinsky,
our new nanny.
What do we say?
Be afraid.
Be very afraid.
Look at you--
all cooped up in this house
with a new baby.
That's not easy,
is it?
No.
Why, I bet sometimes
you wish it was
still just the two of you.
Or less.
Well, don't you worry.
Everything's
going to be just fine.
I love them.
Thing...
Stop that.
He likes you.
Heh heh heh heh.
I'm good with my hands.
What a wonderful family,
although there's one fella
I haven't met yet.
Hi there, mister.
Your nephew?
My brother.
No!
Fester,
come out here.
He's very shy.
Fester, this is miss jellinsky,
our new nanny.
Hello, fester.
These Addams men,
where do you find them?
It has to be damp.
I can't wait.
I'll start first thing
tomorrow.
Why not tonight?
[Morticia]
Good night, Debbie.
Good night!
Scream if you need
anything.
So we've hired
miss jellinsky.
She's a gem,
don't you think?
She's perfect.
Oh, fester,
I'm such a lucky man.
I hope that someday you'll know
the indescribable joy
of having children
and of paying someone else
to raise them.
First wouldn't I
have to get married?
You're just a boy.
There's plenty of time.
You'll meet someone,
someone very special,
someone
who won't press charges.
Oh, I'd like that.
You rascal.
Oh, and what's this?
- Mom.
- Mom.
Tonight on America's
most disgusting unsolved crimes,
we investigate
the case of Ursula...
Carmen...
And Nadine--
three very different women
with one thing in common--
murder!
And they're all
the same woman.
She's known by the police
as the black widow.
She mates,
then she kills.
She investigates
wealthy men,
finding the richest,
loneliest bachelors,
gaining their trust
and their love,
and finally,
she marries them.
Then, on the wedding night,
she kills them.
The deaths
appear accidental.
After the funeral,
she disappears, cash in hand,
but the money
never lasts.
Soon the black widow
is hungry again,
hungry for cash,
hungry for love.
A mistress of disguise,
she's eluded the authorities for years.
Who is she,
and what seemingly innocent pose
will she next assume?
All we can say is...
Bachelors, beware.
We'll be going out
for most of the morning.
All the important numbers--
police, fire department,
morgue.
Fester, come along.
Goodbye, fester.
Say goodbye to Debbie.
[Mumbles nervously]
Have fun!
[Door closes]
Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm!
Fester Addams. My, my.
Stocks and bonds...
Deeds...
Gold bullion.
[Squeak]
Treasury bills...
Iras.
[Squeak]
What a strange old house.
It's so drafty.
It's really no place
for children.
No place at all.
Hold still,
you little brat.
He's not a brat.
Of course not.
He's an adorable little baby.
Fine. Rub it in.
We're getting him
all ready
for a nice little walk.
Would you like to come?
Are you really a nanny?
What a question.
Why did you come here?
Why, to take care of you...
All of you.
Especially my Uncle?
I shouldn't be
telling you this.
They swore me
to secrecy,
the little angels,
but they want to go.
It's all they talked about
all morning.
They're just afraid
to ask you.
They're afraid you'll think
they don't love you.
The poor things.
It's a bizarre request.
It's horrifying.
They have their hearts
set on it.
I knew
you'd want to know
as concerned,
caring parents.
Oh, Gomez,
what shall we do?
How can we say no?
Don't even mention it.
Just do it.
I'm sure
they'll deny everything,
but they want to go,
God love them.
- Summer camp.
- Summer camp.
"Camp chippewa."
How charming.
What's a chippewa?
It's an old
Indian word.
It means orphan.
Fresh air...
The scent of pine.
[Morticia] Wednesday,
look at all of the other children--
their freckles,
their bright little eyes,
their eager,
friendly smiles.
Help them.
Hi. I'm Amanda buckman.
Why are you dressed
like that?
Like what?
Like you're going
to a funeral.
Why are you dressed
like somebody died?
Wait.
Hi. Don buckman.
Isn't this place
something else?
Very exclusive.
A kid has to be
extra special to get in,
gifted, exceptional.
Our Amanda's already
skipped two grades.
How about your boy?
Probation.
We just love chippewa.
Amanda couldn't wait.
It's all
she talked about.
She's got
a whole new wardrobe.
And this little lady?
Wednesday's at
that very special age
when a girl has
only one thing on her mind.
Boys?
Homicide.
[Whistle blows]
Attention!
Hey! Listen up,
everybody.
I'm Gary Granger!
And I'm
Becky Martin-Granger.
We're the owners and directors
here at camp chippewa,
America's foremost
facility for...
Privileged young adults.
And we're all here
to learn, to grow,
and to just plain
have fun!
'Cause that's what being
privileged is all about.
Buffy!
How are you?
I'm fine.
How are you?
How are you doing?
I don't think
I like it here.
Do you know
how dirty you are?
Please leave him alone.
I can't breathe.
Stand up straight,
please.
This is why
he's always sick.
Don't start with me.
This has nothing to do
with allergies.
You did this.
Can you breathe?
Stand up straight.
Stand up straight.
"Everyone at the ball
"turned and stared
at cinderella.
"Who is that beautiful woman?
Everyone asked.
"Even prince charming
noticed the new arrival.
"Who are you?
He asked cinderella."
[Creak]
"My name is cinderella,
she said to the prince.
"Could you tell me
"who is that man
over by the punch bowl,
"that fascinating man,
"that oddly sensual man,
"that man who makes me
quiver under my bodice,
that baldman?"
She's driving me wild!
Who?
Debbie.
Debbie.
Even the sound
of her name...
Debbie.
Isn't it beautiful?
She makes me think of vinyl.
Chemicals!
Truly, fester,
has it finally happened,
at long last?
I don't know.
I think so.
All these years
I've watched you and morticia
through windows,
doorways,
keyholes.
I've been so happy
for you,
but I have to confess
I've been jealous, too.
I've dreamed
that sometime
there might be
someone for me.
There's thing.
I know,
but I want more--
legs, elbows,
a head.
Two legs?
Dare I ask Debbie
to dinner?
What if she says no?
What if she says yes?
If I asked her,
would you come,
you and morticia?
Of course.
[Gulp]
[Tweet]
Life saving.
We're all
top-notch swimmers.
Now we show our stuff
and earn
those certificates.
How about
our first little pair
of life saving buddies?
Amanda, Wednesday.
Is that
your bathing suit?
Is that your over bite?
One of you will be
the drowning victim.
The other one
will be our lifesaver.
I'll be the victim.
All your life.
I'm going to be
an actress.
Brava!
Now jump in,
swim out a few yards,
and start drowning.
Help me!
Help me!
I'm drowning!
Help me!
I'm dying!
I can't swim.
[Playing a tango]
[Playing a tango]
It's our favorite bistro.
We've been coming here
for years.
Of course,
it has been redone.
Oh, it's just...
Lovely.
Isn't it, fester?
Fester.
[Muffled]
It's a quaint
French custom--
sharing half-eaten bread.
Fester is truly
continental.
He spent
many years abroad.
He speaks 12 languages
fluently.
I could tell.
When I first
saw him,
I thought
he was from Europe.
You did?
It's true.
But I took a bath.
Fester's really
a wonderful man.
He's just terribly shy.
I just can't tell--
does he like me
at all?
Of course he does.
He vomited.
Does he always do that
with women he likes?
Oh, no.
Just you.
Ah.
Do you think she minded?
Of course not.
She adores you.
I'm making
such a mess of things.
Gomez, how do you do it?
How can I be like you?
How can I be suave?
Woo her, admire her,
make her feel like she's
the most sublime creature on earth.
Yes. That's it?
We're back,
noses powdered.
Perfection
achieved.
We are the luckiest
brothers on earth.
We are unworthy
of such splendor,
undeserving
of such radiance.
Uh, that's right.
We should have...
Ugly girls.
[Violin plays]
[Gasp]
[Clicking]
[Muffled]
Hah!
And then
the ghost said,
"and I will
haunt you forever."
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
Wednesday,
you have to continue
the ghost story.
This is dumb.
Well, if you
can't do it...
And, so, the next night,
the ghost returned
to the haunted cabin,
and he said
to the campers,
"none of you
really believe in me,
so I'll have
to prove my power."
And the next morning,
when the campers woke up,
all of their old noses
had grown back.
- Aah!
- Aah!
Oh, fester,
how you
must hate me.
What?
Here you are,
a debonair
man of the world.
How I must bore you.
Oh, never.
Fester, before
we go any further,
I have a confession,
something
I must tell you.
I'm a virgin.
You are?
Yes.
What's that?
It--it's someone
who's never experienced
physical love.
Oh.
You mean,
with another person.
Then, Debbie,
I have a confession
to make, as well.
I'm one, too.
You? You?
Yes.
But with your looks,
your charm,
women must
follow you everywhere.
Store detectives.
Oh, fester,
I always dreamed
of meeting
someone untouched,
someone pure,
someone...
Just like you.
You'll meet him.
And--and I dreamed
that when I met him,
that we would wait
until our wedding night
to give ourselves
to one another,
to make
the ultimate sacrifice.
A goat?
Until now I thought
it was impossible,
but, fester Addams,
I love you.
You do?
Please, I have to know
how you feel about me.
I love you.
I worship you.
I'd do anything for you.
I'd pay.
Fester!
Debbie!
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Look at him.
So peaceful.
[Snoring]
This evening
as I watched fester and Debbie,
I kept
my fingers crossed.
I hoped...
I prayed.
Let them
fall in love.
Let them know happiness.
Let them adopt.
Gomez, morticia,
great news--
something impossible,
a miracle.
- The rash...
- It's gone.
I'm engaged.
That ring...
It was our mother's.
She was buried with it.
[Thunder]
Mail call.
Addams.
Barkley,
castleman, Calloway,
Dexter, donman,
Edwards, Evans,
Finley, fisher,
framingham...
Oh, no.
What is it?
This is unspeakable.
Is something wrong?
Bad news?
It's the worst thing ever
in the history of human events.
Uncle fester
is getting married.
A wedding?
But that's
great news.
To whom?
The nanny.
Get out of the cabin.
I'd kill myself.
The help?
I'm sure
she's a very nice lady.
I think
that's disgusting.
Their whole family's
like some weird
medical experiment.
I think they're
like circus people.
What did you say?
Tempers.
Group hug.
Wednesday.
Pugsley.
Will a hug hurt us?
We don't hug.
Oh, they're
just shy.
We're not shy.
We're contagious.
I'm sensing
some friction here,
something
not quite chippewa.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, no problem-o.
All they need are
good friends, good fun,
and a little time
in the harmony hut.
How long do we have
to stay in here?
Until we crack.
[Door opens]
Have fun.
What are you in for?
I wouldn't go
horseback riding.
That's all?
And I wouldn't
make a bird house.
Why not?
I just wanted to read.
Not on my time,
four-eyes.
[Laughing]
Aah!
Aah aah aah!
Hurry up.
I'm coming.
Wait.
Be careful.
Tetanus.
[Siren]
There they are!
I saw them
sneak out.
What do you think
you're doing?
We have to see
our family.
It's important.
More important
than summer fun?
More important
than making new friends?
More important
than sharing?
Joel glicker,
I'm surprised at you.
I have to
get out of here.
I have allergies.
Oh, you're allergic?
To sunshine,
archery, and crafts?
Yes.
I think
they should be punished.
Punished! Punished!
Punished! Punished!
Punished! Punished!
No! We are not here
to punish.
We are here to inspire.
Know what our little
ninja friends need?
Know what might turn
their sad, wasted lives around?
What?
[Guitar strums]
~ Kumbaya, my lord ~
~ Kumbaya ~
~ Kumbaya, my lord ~
~ Kumbaya ~
[wolf howls]
~ Kumbaya, my lord ~
~ Kumbaya ~
~ oh, lord, Kumbaya ~~.
Now, Debbie,
have you met everyone?
Morticia.
Margaret.
[Kiss kiss]
Margaret, this is
our bride-to-be.
Welcome
to our family.
I can't tell you
what it's meant
joining
the Addams clan.
Have you met my husband
cousin ltt?
Cousin ltt?
We've been so happy,
and, just as little
pubert arrived,
we were blessed with
our own little bundle of joy.
[Cooing]
What?
Oh, I didn't say anything.
That's the baby's
nickname-- what?
From
the obstetrician.
Isn't he precious?
We've had offers.
~ for he's
a jolly good fellow ~
~ which nobody
can deny ~~.
You guys are the best
bunch of friends
a fella could hope for.
What a party!
And now for
the piece de resistance.
Ta-da!
Ta-da!
That poor girl.
Lurch, was she in there
before you baked?
[Groan]
So, so, so.
C'est la vie.
[Laughter]
Ha ha ha ha!
Are you really allergic?
Uh-huh.
To almost
everything.
No, you're not.
Am, too.
I can't have
dairy products
or wear wool
or drink
fluoridated water.
You know
what happens
if my mom uses
a fabric softener?
What?
I die.
Where are you?
Over here.
Where?
By the skeleton.
I got your message
inside my cutlet.
I need to ask you
something.
What?
Do you believe
in the existence of evil?
Well, did you meet
my mom?
My Uncle fester's
about to get married
to this woman
in a white uniform.
A radiologist.
A nanny.
I have to go
to the wedding.
I have a pass.
Want to come?
You mean like...
On a date?
No.
I'd love to.
[Plays "sunrise, sunset']
[Plays "wedding march']
[Speaking gibberish]
I,
fester Addams,
do hereby declare
my unending love.
I will worship you forever.
I will devote...
My every waking moment
to your happiness alone.
[Sobbing]
Oh.
Henceforth,
I am your eternal
and helpless slave.
Nice.
Ditto.
[Cheering]
You're going to have a
wonderful life together.
Yes, I am.
Come, darling,
let's see who's
the next happy bride.
Here, Debbie!
- To me!
- Me!
Oh, I have it!
- No! I have it!
- It's mine!
Now you have
to get married.
It's not binding.
Tramp.
- Bye!
- Congratulations!
- Congratulations!
- Bon voyage!
The key ingredient
to a successful
Hawaiian honeymoon
is romantic music.
[Romantic music plays]
I ordered this cassette
from time-life.
5,000 of the world's
most romantic melodies.
It's superb.
What do you
call this?
Number 438.
So...
Do you like
romantic living?
I do, so far.
I love romantic living.
Oh, fester, how much
do you love me?
With all my soul.
Would you do
anything for me?
Anything.
Would you die for me?
Yes.
Promise?
Aah!
Aah aah!
Aah aah aah aah!
Pumpkin?
Muffin.
[Tvplays]
Darling, I know
you're nervous.
So am I.
I'm not nervous.
I'm upset.
Because of the bathtub?
Th-th--
that was an accident.
I know.
I'm fine.
I know.
Don't give it
another thought.
Don't be frightened.
This is as new to me
as it is to you.
Have you really
never had sex?
Never.
Then how do you know we're
not having it right now?
We'll be just like
Gomez and morticia.
Pretend we're
at home in my room--
granny down the hallway,
lurch by the door.
Oh, my God.
Please, what is it?
What do you need?
Only you, my dearest.
Really?
Fester, I'm ready.
- Just one thing...
- Gomez told me. No giggling.
- And?
- No hand puppets.
- And...
- What?
After we've made love,
you can never see
your family again.
What?
Otherwise, I could never
really enjoy myself.
I could never
give myself completely.
Unless I never see
my family again?
Yes. If I picture them
in our lives,
I could never achieve...
You know.
Never?
Don't you love me?
Of course.
Don't you want me?
Yes.
Never.
Stud.
Whoa!
Uh...
Ahh...
It's so odd we haven't heard
from fester and Debbie.
It's been almost a week.
Hasn't it, little fellow?
Look at him.
Too much fun
at that reception.
Hair of the pup.
Excellent, Amanda!
Thank you.
Next!
[Wednesday]
"Dear Wednesday and pugsley,
"I love you dearly,
but I can never
see you again."
Glicker, go!
[Becky]
Good try!
"When you are grown-up
and very lonely,
"you'll understand.
Love, Uncle fester."
He's a dead man.
Go!
[Bird squawks]
It's an American
bald eagle!
But aren't
they extinct?
They are now.
Mrs. Addams?
Yes?
Your hearse.
Where's the body?
Right there.
But he's alive.
Tell me about it!
Fester, we may be
together for a while...
All our lives,
Cara Mia.
What?
Mon Cher.
- Speak English.
- Pumpkin?
If I have to be seen with you,
we need to make some changes.
Changes?
Be careful!
It's a credenza!
These are
beautiful things.
They're
from catalogues.
Fester,
get over here!
It itches.
Don't touch it,
not until the scab falls off.
Pumpkin, do you think
these clothes are really me?
Of course not.
That's the point.
- Where do you want this?
- The second floor boudoir.
I'm her husband.
Fester!
Give me a kiss.
Give me a 20.
Watch it!
That's a queen Anne
chandelier!
"Hawaii is wonderful.
"I wish you were here,
"and I can never
see you again!
P.S., Debbie says hi."
I don't understand.
For weeks not a word, and now this.
Darling, come to bed.
He can't be serious.
Have I done something,
said something?
Why does my brother
despise me?
He adores you.
I'd do anything for him.
At his request,
I would rip out my eyes.
At his command,
I would crawl on my belly
through hot coals
and broken glass.
Why wait?
Has fester gone mad?
This is all just
some sort of phase.
Post-honeymoon malaise.
It's very common.
Do you remember
our honeymoon?
That glorious cruise.
No quarrels.
No cares.
No survivors.
Cara Mia.
So...
You still desire me
after all these years?
The old ball and chain?
Forever.
I'll get them.
Heads up, campers.
Thejamboree's only two weeks away.
And you know what that means--
clean cabins.
Creating with Clay and...
Canoes, canoes, canoes!
So we better
get cracking, huh?
Look at this.
I've got them.
Schizos and serial killers.
I have almost
the whole series.
I'm only missing Jack the ripper
and that zodiac guy.
But look.
"The black widow."
It might be Debbie.
At least three rich husbands...
All dead.
I'll trade you.
For what?
Amy fischer.
Each year,
we conclude our summer
with a very special
presentation.
Book, music,
and lyrics by...
Gary Granger!
And this year,
the old bean has come up
with something pretty exciting--
my own personal salute
to the first Thanksgiving.
Now, we have thought
long and hard
about choosing
just the right little actress
for the leading role
of Sarah Miller,
our beautiful
and kindly pilgrim lady,
and we have selected...
Amanda buckman!
And in the roles
of her pilgrim pals--
lily, Jennifer,
Tiffany, missy,
Michelle, and Melissa!
But, of course,
not everyone can be a star.
Let's not forget
our cheery little chippewas.
Mordecai, Yang,
Esther...
Um...
Consuela, lrwin...
And, um...
I'm still not sure just
how to pronounce this.
Jam-il? Jame-il?
[Gary]
Jamal.
Whatever.
And as their leader
in the secondary
but still compellingly
written role of pocahontas,
guess who we have in mind.
Our own little
brunette outcast--
Wednesday Addams.
[Chimes play wedding march]
We want to see
Debbie and fester.
Miss Debbie!
[Debbie]
Debra!
Gomez...
Where are we?
It looks familiar.
Of course--
the gates of hell.
Welcome to my home.
Might we see my brother?
No. He doesn't want to see
any of you or that.
Why not?
Because he's in love.
He's wrapped in a gossamer
blanket of ecstasy,
and he hates your guts.
But why?
Because you've
flaunted yourselves,
your great love affair.
You kept him a child.
I've made him a man.
Let me hear this
from his own lips.
His lips are busy.
You want to talk
to these people?
Debbie.
Oh.
Go away!
That is not my brother.
Sorry.
You have
enslaved him.
You have
placed fester
under some strange
sexual spell.
I respect that.
But, please, may we see him?
Don't even
think about it.
You have gone
too far.
You have
married fester.
You have destroyed
his spirit.
You have taken him
from us.
All that
I could forgive.
But, Debbie...
What?
Pastels?
Get out of my house!
Hit the road!
And if you ever
show your faces around here again,
I'll have you locked up
for trying to visit.
Right, fessie?
Right!
Luxor, nexor,
burst, and burn!
What is she doing?
Just a curse.
Have a nice day.
I demand justice!
Someone has married
my brother.
No.
She took him to Hawaii.
They have moved into
a large, expensive home
where they make love
constantly.
I hate
when that happens.
Arrest her at once
without delay.
- Who?
- Debbie.
My brother's wife,
the temptress of waikiki.
Who are you?
What are you?
Who moved the rock?
Officer,
you must issue a subpoena.
I believe they own...
Gomez, no!
A buick!
Just leave.
Leave quietly. Leave now.
Don't make me call
ringling brothers.
Has the planet gone mad?
My brother... passion's hostage.
I seek justice.
Denied.
I shall not submit.
I shall conquer. I shall rise.
My name is Gomez Addams,
and I have seen evil!
I have seen horror!
I have seen
the unholy maggots
which feast in the dark recesses
of the human soul!
They're at camp.
I have seen all this,
officer.
But until today,
I had never seen...
You!
Hook him, book him,
cook him. Now!
Next in line.
Yes, I'd like to renew
my passport, please.
I'll be leaving the country
very shortly.
Traveling alone?
Yes. I'll be a widow.
~ happy, happy Turkey day ~
~ hunger pains will go away ~
~ when you hear
the pilgrims say ~
~ it's happy Turkey day ~
~ happy, happy Turkey day ~
~ let's all eat
the Indian way ~
~ as bastille
and Cape COD day ~
~ on happy Turkey day ~~.
Look at you.
Oh, Amanda, you look perfect!
You're just the prettiest pilgrim
I've ever seen!
Gar, come and take
a look at this.
Here they are!
They were
by the phone.
We were calling the FBI.
Their Uncle's in trouble.
You're late for your fittings.
I don't want to be
in the pageant.
You won't help me
realize my vision?
Your work is puerile
and under-dramatized.
You lack any sense
of structure, character,
or the aristotelian unities.
Young lady,
I am getting just a tad tired
of your attitude problem.
Everyone, campers!
I have a wonderful idea.
Wednesday and pugsley
and young Mr. glicker here,
well, they have just
never quite latched on
to the chippewa spirit,
nor have some of their
little comrades.
Isn't that sad?
- Yes!
- Yes!
Don't we just
hate that?
- Yes!
- Yes!
Don't we wish
they'd just die?
- Yes!
- Yes!
We don't.
But you know what
we'll do with them?
We're going to make
an example.
We are going to show
that anyone,
no matter how odd
or pale or chubby,
can still have
a darn good time.
Whether they
like it or not.
What are you going to do?
Yes, indeedy,
just the ticket.
Bambi.
Lassie come home.
The little mermaid.
Stop it.
He's only a child.
Don't worry.
We're getting out of here.
But...
It's Disney.
Yes.
~ the hillsare alive ~
~ with the sound of music ~
~ with songs they have sung ~
~ for a thousand years... ~~
~ and they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ~
~ that this group must
somehow form a family ~
~ that's the way we all
became the bradybunch... ~~
~ you're always a day ~
~ a-way ~~.
Well...
Good evening.
Is there anything
you'd like to say to everyone?
Yes.
And just what
might that be?
I'm not perky.
That's for damn sure.
But I want to be.
You do?
I want to smile
and sing and dance
and be pocahontas
in Gary's vision.
Oh, darling,
do you really mean it?
- [Gasps]
- [Gasps]
Isn't she pretty?
She's scaring me!
Oh, gar.
Yeah.
Aah!
Stay back!
He's very sick.
My baby!
Lumbar, dison...
Pox and thither,
curad, brattle,
bone and brine!
[Laughing]
Bone and brine!
[Coos]
Well, he's stubborn.
It works on cats.
- What are we going to do?
- Is it hopeless?
Here it is.
"Chapter 18.
Infant possessions."
He's possessed?
"Warning signs--
"severe alterations
in appearance and personality.
Such alterations
can become permanent."
Permanent?
Those golden curls?
Those rosy cheeks?
That smile?
"These terrifying changes
"are most often the result
of a troubled family life.
Separations--"
you mean...
Fester!
Bingo! This kid knows
that something is not
right around here.
Unless fester comes back,
we're talking dimples.
Not in this house.
He could stay this way
for years. Forever.
He could become...
A lawyer...
I won't listen!
An orthodontist...
Mama, stop!
President.
[Pubert laughs]
Please! I beg you!
Take me!
Each summer we take
this occasion
to celebrate a seminal event
in American history.
This year, we depict
perhaps the most important day
in our shared past--
the first Thanksgiving!
A day for maize,
the native American
word for corn,
a terrific Turkey dinner,
and brotherhood!
So, white meat
and dark meat,
take it away!
[Piano plays]
~ eat us, hey,
it's Thanksgiving day ~
~ eat us,
we make a nice buffet ~
~ we lost the race
with farmer ed ~
~ eat us 'cause
we're good and dead ~
~ white man or red man ~
~ from east, north,
or South ~
~ chop off our legs ~
~ and put 'em
in your mouth ~
~ eat me ~
~ sauteed or barbecued ~
~ eat me ~
~ we once were pets,
but now we're food ~
~ we won't stay fresh
for very long ~
~ so eat us before
we finish this song ~
~ eat us before
we finish this song ~~
[sobbing]
Thank you.
It was a senseless tragedy.
Ha ha!
[Ticking]
Angel, I'm going out
for just a minute.
I forgot the champagne.
Our three-week anniversary!
I'll go.
No, no.
You're working hard enough.
I'll just put your present
on the table.
Don't peek!
Oh, please, please!
What is it?
Is it string?
You never know.
Uh...
Is it a dog toy?
Just you wait.
It's a bomb.
What?
I know.
Wait for my birthday.
Fester...
Let me look at you.
I want to remember you
just this way.
What do you mean?
Rich. Will you miss me?
But you'll be right back,
won't you?
Of course.
Whoo!
Hoo hoo hoo hoo!
I am so glad we invited
the chippewas
to join us
for this holiday meal.
Remember, these savages
are our guests.
We must not be surprised
at any of their
strange customs.
After all, they have not
had our advantages,
such as fine schools,
libraries full of books,
shampoo.
[Audience chuckles]
How. I am pocahontas,
a chippewa maiden.
An Indian.
Enough said.
And I am running bear,
betrothed to pocahontas.
In the play.
20 grand for summer camp,
he's Mr. woo-woo.
We have brought a special gift
for this holiday feast.
I am a Turkey. Kill me.
What a thoughtful gift!
Why, you are
as civilized as we,
except we wear shoes
and have last names.
Welcome to our table,
our new primitive friends.
Thank you,
Sarah Miller.
You're the most beautiful person
I've ever seen.
Your hair is the color
of the sun,
your skin is like fresh milk,
and everyone loves you.
Stop! Sit.
Wait.
What?
We cannot break
bread with you.
Huh? Becky,
what's going on?
[Becky]
Wednesday!
You have taken the land
which is
rightfully ours.
Years from now,
my people will be forced
to live in mobile homes
on reservations.
Your people
will wear cardigans
and drink highballs.
We will sell our bracelets
by the roadsides.
You will play golf
and enjoy
hot hors d'oeuvres.
My people will have pain
and degradation.
Your people
will have stick shifts.
The gods of my tribe
have spoken.
They have said,
"do not trust the pilgrims,
especially Sarah Miller."
Gary, she's changing the words.
And for all these reasons,
I have decided to scalp you
and burn your village
to the ground.
[Yelling Indian war cry]
Aah!
Children! Campers!
Stop!
You're destroying my text!
Aah! Aah!
He's not a team player.
He needs friends.
He needs friends like this?
- Aah!
- Oh!
- [Gasps]
- [Gasps]
Aah!
Uh, I beg your pardon.
Do something!
[Muffled screams]
[Muffled screams]
[Muffled screams]
~ macho, macho man ~
~ feel my muscles ~
~ I've got to be a macho man ~
~ mucho, mucho, macho, macho ~
~ I got to be a macho ~
~ hey, hey, hey, hey ~.
Hey! Wait!
What time is it, Jorge?
Ah, 6:25.
Oops. Got to go.
- No!
- Wait!
Wait here.
It's my anniversary.
I'll be right back.
Your husband
is a very lucky man.
Don't say that!
~ hey, hey, hey ~
~ hey, macho, macho man ~
~ I got to be a macho man ~~
[ticking]
Cheers.
Oh, no, no.
But, officer...
My husband
was in that house.
[Laughing]
Happy anniversary, Debbie.
Help. Help.
Sweetheart!
Did you get the champagne?
Freeze!
Pookie?
I tried to make it
look like an accident.
I tried to give you some dignity,
but, oh, no, not you.
What are you saying?
I want you dead,
and I want your money.
But--but...
Don't you love me?
Is that a no?
Oh, do I love you.
Look at yourself!
You're a nightmare.
You're the missing link.
You shouldn't be married.
You should be studied.
You're a big,
dumb, weird thing.
No woman in her right mind
could love you.
Yeow!
Thing!
I'll get you!
And your little hand, too!
Aah!
Come on.
No. I have to go back.
For the others.
You're very brave.
And to watch the place burn.
You go.
Save your Uncle.
I may never
see you again.
I know.
There are forces
tearing us apart--
Gary, Debbie,
seventh grade.
I'll never forget you.
You won't?
You're too weird.
We'll always have today
and chippewa.
And this.
What is it?
Amanda's retainer.
Cara Mia.
Mon Cher.
[Honking]
Come on!
Move it!
Move out of the way!
"We looked,
"then we saw him
step in on the mat.
"We looked,
and we saw him--
the cat in the hat."
Are you enjoying this?
To think...
A child of mine.
"I know it is wet,
"and the sun is not sunny,
"but we can have
lots of good fun,
that is funny."
Oh, no.
He lives.
Come on! It's Gomez!
~ swing low ~
~ sweet chariot ~
~ coming for
to carry me home ~
~ swing low ~~.
My baby is ill,
and my husband
is dying.
Oh, mama,
what shall I do?
Well, you have
a black dress.
Gomez!
- Fester!
- Fester!
Fester? Where is fester?
He's right here,
mon Cher.
It's me, Gomez.
I've tried to be
someone I'm not.
I live in shame...
And the suburbs!
But you belong to Debbie.
You're Debbie's love toy.
You are Mr. Debbie!
I am an Addams!
Fester!
Uncle fester!
Children!
You sent us to camp.
They made us sing.
My own dear family.
How I've missed you all.
Our whole family--
together at last.
Three generations...
Above ground.
In-laws!
I don't want
to hurt anybody.
I don't enjoy
hurting anybody.
I don't like guns or bombs
or electric chairs,
but sometimes
people just won't listen,
and so I have to use
persuasion...
And slides.
My parents--
Sharon and Dave.
Generous, doting...
Or were they?
All I ever wanted
was a ballerina Barbie
in her pretty pink tutu.
My birthday.
I was 10,
and do you know
what they got me?
Malibu Barbie.
Malibu Barbie.
The nightmare.
The nerve.
That's not
what I wanted.
That's not who I was.
I was a ballerina--
graceful, delicate.
They had to go.
My first husband,
the heart surgeon.
All day long,
coronaries, transplants.
What about your needs?
"Sorry about dinner, Deb.
The pope has a cold."
An axe.
That takes me back.
Husband number two--
the senator.
He loved his state.
He loved his country.
What about Debbie?
"Sorry, Debbie.
No Mercedes this year.
We have to set an example."
Oh, yeah? Set this!
My latest husband.
My late husband fester.
The fool.
The corpse.
And his adorable family.
You took me in.
You accepted me.
But did any of you love me?
Really love me?
Hands.
So I--I killed.
So I maimed.
So I destroyed one
innocent life after another.
Aren't I a human being?
Don't I yearn and...
Ache and shop?
Don't I deserve love...
And jewelry?
Adieu, mon Cher.
Adios, Cara Mia.
Debbie, let them go.
Take me and my money.
For what I've done,
I deserve to die.
Sorry.
[Whistling]
Goodbye, everybody.
Wish me luck.
- Good luck.
- Good luck.
A birthday party!
What a treat!
And to think I might
have missed all this.
What was I thinking of?
Physical pleasure.
Oh...
Uncle fester,
do you miss Debbie?
Well, sometimes,
late at night.
I remember
how she'd turn to me
and say "Jesus, fester,
go back to your room."
Yoo-hoo!
Are we late?
[Chattering]
Not at all.
We'rejust getting started.
I hope no one minds.
We brought along a guest.
This is our new nanny--
dementia.
Oh...
Dementia.
What a beautiful name.
It means insanity.
My name's fester.
It means to rot.
A toast.
To the glorious
mysteries of life.
To all that binds
a family as one.
To mirth, to merriment,
to manslaughter.
- Hear, hear.
- [Chattering]
To dear friends.
[Chattering]
[Chattering]
To new friends.
To youth.
How do I look?
Disturbing.
To passion.
To paradise.
To pain.
Tonight.
Ha ha! Make way
for the birthday boy!
Thing, will you
do the honors?
[Playing "Happy Birthday"]
Your family
is really interesting.
Your parents are so
involved with each other.
Wednesday, do you think,
like, maybe someday
you might want to get
married and have kids?
No.
But what if you met
just the right man
who worshipped
and adored you,
who'd do anything
for you,
who'd be
your devoted slave?
What would you do?
I'd pity him.
Poor Debbie.
She was sick.
She wasn't sick.
She was sloppy.
What do you mean?
If I wanted to kill my husband,
I'd do it, and I wouldn't get caught.
How?
I'd scare him to death.
No, you wouldn't.
We're all very sorry, Debbie.
We wish you only the best.
Aah! Aah!
Aah!
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~
~ come on, come on ~
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~
~ yeah, yo, dig it ~
~ back again,
the Addams family ~
~ new baby in the house
makes three ~
~ Wednesday, pugsley,
lurch, you ring it ~
~ fester, grandmama,
and thing ~
~ wait, can't forget
cousin ltt ~
~ tag team raps
another party hit ~
~ it's the Addams family
movie thing ~
~ Gomez, morticia,
come on, sing ~
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~
~ come on, come on ~
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~
~ let me tell you,
it's the a-d-d-a-m-s ~
~ the Addams family,
y'all, yes, yes ~
~ they're creepy, kooky,
mysterious, spooky ~
~ as loony as can be
when you see the movie ~
~ it goes on and on,
the madness won't stop ~
~ tick to the tock
around the clock ~
~ tag team kicks the floor,
really, though ~
~ with the Addams family,
so here we go ~
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~
~ hey, there it is ~
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~
~ come on, come on,
come on, come on ~
~ whoomp! Family ~
~ whoomp! Family, whoa ~
~ whoomp! Family, whoa ~
~ the Addams family ~
~ whoomp! Family, whoa ~
~ whoomp! Family, whoa ~
~ whoomp! Family, whoa ~
~ the Addams family ~
~ something's strange,
something's funny ~
~ nanny's got a plot
to get the family money ~
~ makes fester
fall for her ~
~ thing gets wise,
spreads the word ~
~ the family
comes to fester's aid ~
~ the plot is foiled,
no one gets paid ~
~ it's the Addams family
runnin' things ~
~ get back
while tag team swings ~
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~
~ yeah, come on, come on ~
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~
~ yeah, give it to me ~
~ it's a family thing,
and it won't quit ~
~ they keep it together,
y'all, and that's it ~
~ they're not ordinary,
just strange ~
~ some say loco,
insane to the brain ~
~ but you know
that you love 'em ~
~ in a class
by theirselves ~
~ none below,
none above 'em ~
~ it ain't nothing
to be ashamed of~
~ so give love to the folks
who go by the name of~
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~
~ yeah ~
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~
~ ooh-ee ~
~ the Addams family theme,
I'm gonna kick it ~
~ step to the mic
like cube and get with it ~
~ props to the number one
family of horror ~
~ this song's for the movie
and the dance floor ~
~ tag team
always delivers the funk ~
~ from the old school,
with the bump for the trunk ~
~ and it umps,
with big bass on the low ~
~ like my homey all said ~
~ you don't hear me, though ~
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~
~ yeah, give it to me ~
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~
~ yeah ~
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~~
~ express yourself~
~ express yourself~
~ ooh ~
~ express yourself~
~ express yourself~
~ express yourself~
~ you don't ever need
help from nobody else ~
~ all you've got to do
now, yeah ~
~ come on ~
~ express yourself,
come on ~
~ express yourself,
come on ~
~ let it out
of its creepy shell ~
~ because
you know you could ~
~ express yourself,
come on ~
~ express yourself,
come on ~
~ come on, people
come on, people ~
~ 'cause you know
it's good, yeah ~
~ express yourself~~
~ breaking hearts ~
~just ain't my day ~
~ it ain't my day ~
~ all I want to do ~
~ ls love you ~
~ well ~
~ sugar, I won't fill ya ~
~ with regret, my love ~
~ yo, what you're lookin' for ~
~ ls real lovin' ~
~ real lovin' ~
~ no matter what you see ~
~ ls what you get ~
~ ahh, baby ~
~ what you see ~
~ yeah, is what you get ~
~ ls what you get ~
~ what you see ~
~ what you see ~
~ ls what you get ~
~ ls what you get ~
~ I said what you see ~
~ ls what you get, now, baby ~
~ ls what you get ~
~ and real ~
~ and the real thing ~
~ ls the best thing yet ~
~ the best thing yet ~
~ oh ~
~ oh, what you see ~
~ yes, why ~
~ ls what you get ~
~ oh, oh ~
~ you're so good ~
~ I can't stand myself~
~ ah, ah, ah ~
~ ls what you get ~
~ ooh, baby ~
~ what you see ~
~ what you see ~
~ ls what you get ~
~ ls what you get ~
~ what you see ~
~ what you see ~
~ ls what you get ~
~ ls what you get ~
~ I said what you see ~
~ ls what you get, now, baby ~
~ ls what you get ~
~ and real ~
~ ls the best thing yet ~
~ the best thing yet ~
~ are you ready for me? ~
~ whoo! ~~
~ do it, do it any way
you wanna do it ~
~ do it any way you wanna ~
~ I saw you ~
~ do it any way
you wanna do it ~
~ do it any way you wanna ~
~ I saw you, baby ~
~ do it ~
~ do it any way you wanna ~
~ do it ~
~ do it ~
~ do it any way
you wanna, wanna, wanna ~~
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~~
[Howling]
Come, sorrow.
We welcome thee.
Let us join in grief,
rejoice in despair,
and honor
the fortunate dead.
Dearly beloved...
[Cat meows]
Shh!
Tsk tsk tsk.
Good show, old man.
Gomez.
Cara Mia?
Marvelous news.
I'm going to have a baby...
Right now.
Nurse, how close
are the contractions?
Every 15 seconds,
doctor.
Are you in
unbearable pain?
Is it inhuman?
My darling, is it torture?
Oui.
And then mommy
kissed daddy,
and the angel
told the stork.
The stork
flew down from heaven
and left a diamond under a leaf
in the cabbage patch,
and the diamond
turned into a baby.
Our parents
are having a baby, too.
They had sex.
Push, Mrs. Addams.
[Moans lightly]
Forceps!
Forceps.
Forceps!
Aah!
[Crying]
Would you like
anesthesia?
No, thank you.
But ask the children.
Cara Mia.
Mon Cher.
Mrs. Addams, the baby?
Pardon.
- It's a boy.
- It's a girl.
- Gomez!
- What news?
Father,
what is it?
It's an Addams!
I've arranged a little surprise,
my dearest.
I hope you like it.
Oh, Gomez, it's dark,
it's depressing, it's desolate.
It says, "toddler."
It's a dream.
Come, Cara Mia.
The Addams cradle.
[Crying]
[Roar]
Welcome home, my son.
[Baby laughs]
That's not true.
Everyone knows it is.
When you have a new baby,
one of the other children has to die.
- Really?
- It's a tradition. One of us has to go.
Which one?
Well, they only need
one boy.
He has
my father's eyes.
Gomez, take those
out of his mouth.
Coochie coochie coo.
A baby in the house.
It's about time.
Hey, kiddo.
Did you see that?
He's a real devil.
Pugsley, the baby
weighs 10 pounds.
The cannonball
weighs 20 pounds.
Which will hit
the stone walkway first?
I'm still on fractions.
Which do you think?
The cannonball?
Very good.
But which one will bounce?
The baby?
There's only one way
to find out.
Ready?
1...
2...
What a glorious evening.
Rain.
Cara Mia.
Oh, dear.
Children,
why do you hate the baby?
We just want
to play with him.
Especially his head.
Do you think we love the baby
more than you?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Do you think when
a new baby arrives,
another child
has to die?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Well,
that's just not true.
Not anymore.
It's just
sibling rivalry.
Gomez, do you remember
what we were like?
- I hated you!
- I despised you.
I choked him
till he lost consciousness
and had to be put
on a respirator.
I tied him to a tree
and pulled out four
of his permanent teeth.
When he was asleep,
I opened his skull
and removed his brains.
You did?
A brother!
Brother!
Children, you see?
"Death! Death
to the enemies
of the people
of the Republic."
Hoorah!
Justice is served.
Bring forward
the evil one.
[La marseillaise plays]
You have betrayed
the people of France.
You are evil incarnate.
How do you plead?
[Pugsley]
Guilty.
Guilty
by her own admission.
The sentence is death.
Executioner,
place her on the block.
1...
2...
Children,
what are you doing?
- Playing!
- Playing!
3!
Woe to the Republic.
Look at you.
Midnight, moonlight,
surrounded by death.
It's been too long.
Do it!
Hold him still!
[Gunshot,
glass breaking]
You missed.
Here, catch!
I don't want him!
[Glass breaking]
One house,
three children.
So many windows.
My darling, it's you
I'm worried about,
the stress,
all this squabbling.
Oh, I'll be fine.
I'm just like any modern woman,
trying to have it all--
loving husband, a family.
It's just
I wish I had more time
to seek out
the dark forces
and join their hellish crusade,
that's all.
You can! You shall!
So it must be!
[Glass breaking]
But how?
Children,
as your new nanny,
I know that we're
all concerned
about the environment,
so this morning,
let's discuss
how to prevent
forest fires.
Prevent them?
All right, children,
I've had it
up to here.
Now you just answer
one simple question.
Where is that baby?
Which part?
Hello, kiddies.
I'm Polly the puppet.
What shall we do today?
I know.
Let's all clean our rooms.
Hello, Polly.
I'll clean my room
in exchange
for your immortal soul.
[Pounding]
Hi. Addams residence?
Ooh, it's old.
And big.
Lurch.
Hi! Hi. I'm Debbie jellinsky
from the agency.
The agency?
But they claimed
no one else was available.
They suggested
a doberman.
Surprise!
I've been out of town.
Are you the mom?
I am Mrs. Addams.
I love your dress.
It's so tight.
Thank you.
Gomez.
I believe we may have
a new nanny...
Miss jellinsky.
Deb.
Isn't he a lady-killer?
Acquitted.
I'll show you
all my references
so you'll know
I'm not a homicidal maniac.
- Of course you're not.
- You're too young.
Welcome to our home.
There's a belfry,
a swamp,
and a dungeon down below.
- Cable?
- Of course.
Debbie.
Oh, is that
the little critter?
Oh, no.
This is our baby.
He's adorable. He's perfect.
What's his name?
It was agony.
We went through
all the usual baby names...
Lucifer...
Benito...
Mao.
Then we came
to our senses,
something a child
could live with...
Pubert.
Pubert...
I like it.
It's filthy.
May I?
Your dress,
is it flammable?
You've had your shots--
measles, mumps, rabies?
Oh, I just adore
little babies.
I just want to squeeze them
till there's not a breath left
in their tiny little bodies.
Hello, pubert.
I love you.
[Knock on door]
Children, this is miss jellinsky,
our new nanny.
What do we say?
Be afraid.
Be very afraid.
Look at you--
all cooped up in this house
with a new baby.
That's not easy,
is it?
No.
Why, I bet sometimes
you wish it was
still just the two of you.
Or less.
Well, don't you worry.
Everything's
going to be just fine.
I love them.
Thing...
Stop that.
He likes you.
Heh heh heh heh.
I'm good with my hands.
What a wonderful family,
although there's one fella
I haven't met yet.
Hi there, mister.
Your nephew?
My brother.
No!
Fester,
come out here.
He's very shy.
Fester, this is miss jellinsky,
our new nanny.
Hello, fester.
These Addams men,
where do you find them?
It has to be damp.
I can't wait.
I'll start first thing
tomorrow.
Why not tonight?
[Morticia]
Good night, Debbie.
Good night!
Scream if you need
anything.
So we've hired
miss jellinsky.
She's a gem,
don't you think?
She's perfect.
Oh, fester,
I'm such a lucky man.
I hope that someday you'll know
the indescribable joy
of having children
and of paying someone else
to raise them.
First wouldn't I
have to get married?
You're just a boy.
There's plenty of time.
You'll meet someone,
someone very special,
someone
who won't press charges.
Oh, I'd like that.
You rascal.
Oh, and what's this?
- Mom.
- Mom.
Tonight on America's
most disgusting unsolved crimes,
we investigate
the case of Ursula...
Carmen...
And Nadine--
three very different women
with one thing in common--
murder!
And they're all
the same woman.
She's known by the police
as the black widow.
She mates,
then she kills.
She investigates
wealthy men,
finding the richest,
loneliest bachelors,
gaining their trust
and their love,
and finally,
she marries them.
Then, on the wedding night,
she kills them.
The deaths
appear accidental.
After the funeral,
she disappears, cash in hand,
but the money
never lasts.
Soon the black widow
is hungry again,
hungry for cash,
hungry for love.
A mistress of disguise,
she's eluded the authorities for years.
Who is she,
and what seemingly innocent pose
will she next assume?
All we can say is...
Bachelors, beware.
We'll be going out
for most of the morning.
All the important numbers--
police, fire department,
morgue.
Fester, come along.
Goodbye, fester.
Say goodbye to Debbie.
[Mumbles nervously]
Have fun!
[Door closes]
Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm!
Fester Addams. My, my.
Stocks and bonds...
Deeds...
Gold bullion.
[Squeak]
Treasury bills...
Iras.
[Squeak]
What a strange old house.
It's so drafty.
It's really no place
for children.
No place at all.
Hold still,
you little brat.
He's not a brat.
Of course not.
He's an adorable little baby.
Fine. Rub it in.
We're getting him
all ready
for a nice little walk.
Would you like to come?
Are you really a nanny?
What a question.
Why did you come here?
Why, to take care of you...
All of you.
Especially my Uncle?
I shouldn't be
telling you this.
They swore me
to secrecy,
the little angels,
but they want to go.
It's all they talked about
all morning.
They're just afraid
to ask you.
They're afraid you'll think
they don't love you.
The poor things.
It's a bizarre request.
It's horrifying.
They have their hearts
set on it.
I knew
you'd want to know
as concerned,
caring parents.
Oh, Gomez,
what shall we do?
How can we say no?
Don't even mention it.
Just do it.
I'm sure
they'll deny everything,
but they want to go,
God love them.
- Summer camp.
- Summer camp.
"Camp chippewa."
How charming.
What's a chippewa?
It's an old
Indian word.
It means orphan.
Fresh air...
The scent of pine.
[Morticia] Wednesday,
look at all of the other children--
their freckles,
their bright little eyes,
their eager,
friendly smiles.
Help them.
Hi. I'm Amanda buckman.
Why are you dressed
like that?
Like what?
Like you're going
to a funeral.
Why are you dressed
like somebody died?
Wait.
Hi. Don buckman.
Isn't this place
something else?
Very exclusive.
A kid has to be
extra special to get in,
gifted, exceptional.
Our Amanda's already
skipped two grades.
How about your boy?
Probation.
We just love chippewa.
Amanda couldn't wait.
It's all
she talked about.
She's got
a whole new wardrobe.
And this little lady?
Wednesday's at
that very special age
when a girl has
only one thing on her mind.
Boys?
Homicide.
[Whistle blows]
Attention!
Hey! Listen up,
everybody.
I'm Gary Granger!
And I'm
Becky Martin-Granger.
We're the owners and directors
here at camp chippewa,
America's foremost
facility for...
Privileged young adults.
And we're all here
to learn, to grow,
and to just plain
have fun!
'Cause that's what being
privileged is all about.
Buffy!
How are you?
I'm fine.
How are you?
How are you doing?
I don't think
I like it here.
Do you know
how dirty you are?
Please leave him alone.
I can't breathe.
Stand up straight,
please.
This is why
he's always sick.
Don't start with me.
This has nothing to do
with allergies.
You did this.
Can you breathe?
Stand up straight.
Stand up straight.
"Everyone at the ball
"turned and stared
at cinderella.
"Who is that beautiful woman?
Everyone asked.
"Even prince charming
noticed the new arrival.
"Who are you?
He asked cinderella."
[Creak]
"My name is cinderella,
she said to the prince.
"Could you tell me
"who is that man
over by the punch bowl,
"that fascinating man,
"that oddly sensual man,
"that man who makes me
quiver under my bodice,
that baldman?"
She's driving me wild!
Who?
Debbie.
Debbie.
Even the sound
of her name...
Debbie.
Isn't it beautiful?
She makes me think of vinyl.
Chemicals!
Truly, fester,
has it finally happened,
at long last?
I don't know.
I think so.
All these years
I've watched you and morticia
through windows,
doorways,
keyholes.
I've been so happy
for you,
but I have to confess
I've been jealous, too.
I've dreamed
that sometime
there might be
someone for me.
There's thing.
I know,
but I want more--
legs, elbows,
a head.
Two legs?
Dare I ask Debbie
to dinner?
What if she says no?
What if she says yes?
If I asked her,
would you come,
you and morticia?
Of course.
[Gulp]
[Tweet]
Life saving.
We're all
top-notch swimmers.
Now we show our stuff
and earn
those certificates.
How about
our first little pair
of life saving buddies?
Amanda, Wednesday.
Is that
your bathing suit?
Is that your over bite?
One of you will be
the drowning victim.
The other one
will be our lifesaver.
I'll be the victim.
All your life.
I'm going to be
an actress.
Brava!
Now jump in,
swim out a few yards,
and start drowning.
Help me!
Help me!
I'm drowning!
Help me!
I'm dying!
I can't swim.
[Playing a tango]
[Playing a tango]
It's our favorite bistro.
We've been coming here
for years.
Of course,
it has been redone.
Oh, it's just...
Lovely.
Isn't it, fester?
Fester.
[Muffled]
It's a quaint
French custom--
sharing half-eaten bread.
Fester is truly
continental.
He spent
many years abroad.
He speaks 12 languages
fluently.
I could tell.
When I first
saw him,
I thought
he was from Europe.
You did?
It's true.
But I took a bath.
Fester's really
a wonderful man.
He's just terribly shy.
I just can't tell--
does he like me
at all?
Of course he does.
He vomited.
Does he always do that
with women he likes?
Oh, no.
Just you.
Ah.
Do you think she minded?
Of course not.
She adores you.
I'm making
such a mess of things.
Gomez, how do you do it?
How can I be like you?
How can I be suave?
Woo her, admire her,
make her feel like she's
the most sublime creature on earth.
Yes. That's it?
We're back,
noses powdered.
Perfection
achieved.
We are the luckiest
brothers on earth.
We are unworthy
of such splendor,
undeserving
of such radiance.
Uh, that's right.
We should have...
Ugly girls.
[Violin plays]
[Gasp]
[Clicking]
[Muffled]
Hah!
And then
the ghost said,
"and I will
haunt you forever."
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
Wednesday,
you have to continue
the ghost story.
This is dumb.
Well, if you
can't do it...
And, so, the next night,
the ghost returned
to the haunted cabin,
and he said
to the campers,
"none of you
really believe in me,
so I'll have
to prove my power."
And the next morning,
when the campers woke up,
all of their old noses
had grown back.
- Aah!
- Aah!
Oh, fester,
how you
must hate me.
What?
Here you are,
a debonair
man of the world.
How I must bore you.
Oh, never.
Fester, before
we go any further,
I have a confession,
something
I must tell you.
I'm a virgin.
You are?
Yes.
What's that?
It--it's someone
who's never experienced
physical love.
Oh.
You mean,
with another person.
Then, Debbie,
I have a confession
to make, as well.
I'm one, too.
You? You?
Yes.
But with your looks,
your charm,
women must
follow you everywhere.
Store detectives.
Oh, fester,
I always dreamed
of meeting
someone untouched,
someone pure,
someone...
Just like you.
You'll meet him.
And--and I dreamed
that when I met him,
that we would wait
until our wedding night
to give ourselves
to one another,
to make
the ultimate sacrifice.
A goat?
Until now I thought
it was impossible,
but, fester Addams,
I love you.
You do?
Please, I have to know
how you feel about me.
I love you.
I worship you.
I'd do anything for you.
I'd pay.
Fester!
Debbie!
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Look at him.
So peaceful.
[Snoring]
This evening
as I watched fester and Debbie,
I kept
my fingers crossed.
I hoped...
I prayed.
Let them
fall in love.
Let them know happiness.
Let them adopt.
Gomez, morticia,
great news--
something impossible,
a miracle.
- The rash...
- It's gone.
I'm engaged.
That ring...
It was our mother's.
She was buried with it.
[Thunder]
Mail call.
Addams.
Barkley,
castleman, Calloway,
Dexter, donman,
Edwards, Evans,
Finley, fisher,
framingham...
Oh, no.
What is it?
This is unspeakable.
Is something wrong?
Bad news?
It's the worst thing ever
in the history of human events.
Uncle fester
is getting married.
A wedding?
But that's
great news.
To whom?
The nanny.
Get out of the cabin.
I'd kill myself.
The help?
I'm sure
she's a very nice lady.
I think
that's disgusting.
Their whole family's
like some weird
medical experiment.
I think they're
like circus people.
What did you say?
Tempers.
Group hug.
Wednesday.
Pugsley.
Will a hug hurt us?
We don't hug.
Oh, they're
just shy.
We're not shy.
We're contagious.
I'm sensing
some friction here,
something
not quite chippewa.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, no problem-o.
All they need are
good friends, good fun,
and a little time
in the harmony hut.
How long do we have
to stay in here?
Until we crack.
[Door opens]
Have fun.
What are you in for?
I wouldn't go
horseback riding.
That's all?
And I wouldn't
make a bird house.
Why not?
I just wanted to read.
Not on my time,
four-eyes.
[Laughing]
Aah!
Aah aah aah!
Hurry up.
I'm coming.
Wait.
Be careful.
Tetanus.
[Siren]
There they are!
I saw them
sneak out.
What do you think
you're doing?
We have to see
our family.
It's important.
More important
than summer fun?
More important
than making new friends?
More important
than sharing?
Joel glicker,
I'm surprised at you.
I have to
get out of here.
I have allergies.
Oh, you're allergic?
To sunshine,
archery, and crafts?
Yes.
I think
they should be punished.
Punished! Punished!
Punished! Punished!
Punished! Punished!
No! We are not here
to punish.
We are here to inspire.
Know what our little
ninja friends need?
Know what might turn
their sad, wasted lives around?
What?
[Guitar strums]
~ Kumbaya, my lord ~
~ Kumbaya ~
~ Kumbaya, my lord ~
~ Kumbaya ~
[wolf howls]
~ Kumbaya, my lord ~
~ Kumbaya ~
~ oh, lord, Kumbaya ~~.
Now, Debbie,
have you met everyone?
Morticia.
Margaret.
[Kiss kiss]
Margaret, this is
our bride-to-be.
Welcome
to our family.
I can't tell you
what it's meant
joining
the Addams clan.
Have you met my husband
cousin ltt?
Cousin ltt?
We've been so happy,
and, just as little
pubert arrived,
we were blessed with
our own little bundle of joy.
[Cooing]
What?
Oh, I didn't say anything.
That's the baby's
nickname-- what?
From
the obstetrician.
Isn't he precious?
We've had offers.
~ for he's
a jolly good fellow ~
~ which nobody
can deny ~~.
You guys are the best
bunch of friends
a fella could hope for.
What a party!
And now for
the piece de resistance.
Ta-da!
Ta-da!
That poor girl.
Lurch, was she in there
before you baked?
[Groan]
So, so, so.
C'est la vie.
[Laughter]
Ha ha ha ha!
Are you really allergic?
Uh-huh.
To almost
everything.
No, you're not.
Am, too.
I can't have
dairy products
or wear wool
or drink
fluoridated water.
You know
what happens
if my mom uses
a fabric softener?
What?
I die.
Where are you?
Over here.
Where?
By the skeleton.
I got your message
inside my cutlet.
I need to ask you
something.
What?
Do you believe
in the existence of evil?
Well, did you meet
my mom?
My Uncle fester's
about to get married
to this woman
in a white uniform.
A radiologist.
A nanny.
I have to go
to the wedding.
I have a pass.
Want to come?
You mean like...
On a date?
No.
I'd love to.
[Plays "sunrise, sunset']
[Plays "wedding march']
[Speaking gibberish]
I,
fester Addams,
do hereby declare
my unending love.
I will worship you forever.
I will devote...
My every waking moment
to your happiness alone.
[Sobbing]
Oh.
Henceforth,
I am your eternal
and helpless slave.
Nice.
Ditto.
[Cheering]
You're going to have a
wonderful life together.
Yes, I am.
Come, darling,
let's see who's
the next happy bride.
Here, Debbie!
- To me!
- Me!
Oh, I have it!
- No! I have it!
- It's mine!
Now you have
to get married.
It's not binding.
Tramp.
- Bye!
- Congratulations!
- Congratulations!
- Bon voyage!
The key ingredient
to a successful
Hawaiian honeymoon
is romantic music.
[Romantic music plays]
I ordered this cassette
from time-life.
5,000 of the world's
most romantic melodies.
It's superb.
What do you
call this?
Number 438.
So...
Do you like
romantic living?
I do, so far.
I love romantic living.
Oh, fester, how much
do you love me?
With all my soul.
Would you do
anything for me?
Anything.
Would you die for me?
Yes.
Promise?
Aah!
Aah aah!
Aah aah aah aah!
Pumpkin?
Muffin.
[Tvplays]
Darling, I know
you're nervous.
So am I.
I'm not nervous.
I'm upset.
Because of the bathtub?
Th-th--
that was an accident.
I know.
I'm fine.
I know.
Don't give it
another thought.
Don't be frightened.
This is as new to me
as it is to you.
Have you really
never had sex?
Never.
Then how do you know we're
not having it right now?
We'll be just like
Gomez and morticia.
Pretend we're
at home in my room--
granny down the hallway,
lurch by the door.
Oh, my God.
Please, what is it?
What do you need?
Only you, my dearest.
Really?
Fester, I'm ready.
- Just one thing...
- Gomez told me. No giggling.
- And?
- No hand puppets.
- And...
- What?
After we've made love,
you can never see
your family again.
What?
Otherwise, I could never
really enjoy myself.
I could never
give myself completely.
Unless I never see
my family again?
Yes. If I picture them
in our lives,
I could never achieve...
You know.
Never?
Don't you love me?
Of course.
Don't you want me?
Yes.
Never.
Stud.
Whoa!
Uh...
Ahh...
It's so odd we haven't heard
from fester and Debbie.
It's been almost a week.
Hasn't it, little fellow?
Look at him.
Too much fun
at that reception.
Hair of the pup.
Excellent, Amanda!
Thank you.
Next!
[Wednesday]
"Dear Wednesday and pugsley,
"I love you dearly,
but I can never
see you again."
Glicker, go!
[Becky]
Good try!
"When you are grown-up
and very lonely,
"you'll understand.
Love, Uncle fester."
He's a dead man.
Go!
[Bird squawks]
It's an American
bald eagle!
But aren't
they extinct?
They are now.
Mrs. Addams?
Yes?
Your hearse.
Where's the body?
Right there.
But he's alive.
Tell me about it!
Fester, we may be
together for a while...
All our lives,
Cara Mia.
What?
Mon Cher.
- Speak English.
- Pumpkin?
If I have to be seen with you,
we need to make some changes.
Changes?
Be careful!
It's a credenza!
These are
beautiful things.
They're
from catalogues.
Fester,
get over here!
It itches.
Don't touch it,
not until the scab falls off.
Pumpkin, do you think
these clothes are really me?
Of course not.
That's the point.
- Where do you want this?
- The second floor boudoir.
I'm her husband.
Fester!
Give me a kiss.
Give me a 20.
Watch it!
That's a queen Anne
chandelier!
"Hawaii is wonderful.
"I wish you were here,
"and I can never
see you again!
P.S., Debbie says hi."
I don't understand.
For weeks not a word, and now this.
Darling, come to bed.
He can't be serious.
Have I done something,
said something?
Why does my brother
despise me?
He adores you.
I'd do anything for him.
At his request,
I would rip out my eyes.
At his command,
I would crawl on my belly
through hot coals
and broken glass.
Why wait?
Has fester gone mad?
This is all just
some sort of phase.
Post-honeymoon malaise.
It's very common.
Do you remember
our honeymoon?
That glorious cruise.
No quarrels.
No cares.
No survivors.
Cara Mia.
So...
You still desire me
after all these years?
The old ball and chain?
Forever.
I'll get them.
Heads up, campers.
Thejamboree's only two weeks away.
And you know what that means--
clean cabins.
Creating with Clay and...
Canoes, canoes, canoes!
So we better
get cracking, huh?
Look at this.
I've got them.
Schizos and serial killers.
I have almost
the whole series.
I'm only missing Jack the ripper
and that zodiac guy.
But look.
"The black widow."
It might be Debbie.
At least three rich husbands...
All dead.
I'll trade you.
For what?
Amy fischer.
Each year,
we conclude our summer
with a very special
presentation.
Book, music,
and lyrics by...
Gary Granger!
And this year,
the old bean has come up
with something pretty exciting--
my own personal salute
to the first Thanksgiving.
Now, we have thought
long and hard
about choosing
just the right little actress
for the leading role
of Sarah Miller,
our beautiful
and kindly pilgrim lady,
and we have selected...
Amanda buckman!
And in the roles
of her pilgrim pals--
lily, Jennifer,
Tiffany, missy,
Michelle, and Melissa!
But, of course,
not everyone can be a star.
Let's not forget
our cheery little chippewas.
Mordecai, Yang,
Esther...
Um...
Consuela, lrwin...
And, um...
I'm still not sure just
how to pronounce this.
Jam-il? Jame-il?
[Gary]
Jamal.
Whatever.
And as their leader
in the secondary
but still compellingly
written role of pocahontas,
guess who we have in mind.
Our own little
brunette outcast--
Wednesday Addams.
[Chimes play wedding march]
We want to see
Debbie and fester.
Miss Debbie!
[Debbie]
Debra!
Gomez...
Where are we?
It looks familiar.
Of course--
the gates of hell.
Welcome to my home.
Might we see my brother?
No. He doesn't want to see
any of you or that.
Why not?
Because he's in love.
He's wrapped in a gossamer
blanket of ecstasy,
and he hates your guts.
But why?
Because you've
flaunted yourselves,
your great love affair.
You kept him a child.
I've made him a man.
Let me hear this
from his own lips.
His lips are busy.
You want to talk
to these people?
Debbie.
Oh.
Go away!
That is not my brother.
Sorry.
You have
enslaved him.
You have
placed fester
under some strange
sexual spell.
I respect that.
But, please, may we see him?
Don't even
think about it.
You have gone
too far.
You have
married fester.
You have destroyed
his spirit.
You have taken him
from us.
All that
I could forgive.
But, Debbie...
What?
Pastels?
Get out of my house!
Hit the road!
And if you ever
show your faces around here again,
I'll have you locked up
for trying to visit.
Right, fessie?
Right!
Luxor, nexor,
burst, and burn!
What is she doing?
Just a curse.
Have a nice day.
I demand justice!
Someone has married
my brother.
No.
She took him to Hawaii.
They have moved into
a large, expensive home
where they make love
constantly.
I hate
when that happens.
Arrest her at once
without delay.
- Who?
- Debbie.
My brother's wife,
the temptress of waikiki.
Who are you?
What are you?
Who moved the rock?
Officer,
you must issue a subpoena.
I believe they own...
Gomez, no!
A buick!
Just leave.
Leave quietly. Leave now.
Don't make me call
ringling brothers.
Has the planet gone mad?
My brother... passion's hostage.
I seek justice.
Denied.
I shall not submit.
I shall conquer. I shall rise.
My name is Gomez Addams,
and I have seen evil!
I have seen horror!
I have seen
the unholy maggots
which feast in the dark recesses
of the human soul!
They're at camp.
I have seen all this,
officer.
But until today,
I had never seen...
You!
Hook him, book him,
cook him. Now!
Next in line.
Yes, I'd like to renew
my passport, please.
I'll be leaving the country
very shortly.
Traveling alone?
Yes. I'll be a widow.
~ happy, happy Turkey day ~
~ hunger pains will go away ~
~ when you hear
the pilgrims say ~
~ it's happy Turkey day ~
~ happy, happy Turkey day ~
~ let's all eat
the Indian way ~
~ as bastille
and Cape COD day ~
~ on happy Turkey day ~~.
Look at you.
Oh, Amanda, you look perfect!
You're just the prettiest pilgrim
I've ever seen!
Gar, come and take
a look at this.
Here they are!
They were
by the phone.
We were calling the FBI.
Their Uncle's in trouble.
You're late for your fittings.
I don't want to be
in the pageant.
You won't help me
realize my vision?
Your work is puerile
and under-dramatized.
You lack any sense
of structure, character,
or the aristotelian unities.
Young lady,
I am getting just a tad tired
of your attitude problem.
Everyone, campers!
I have a wonderful idea.
Wednesday and pugsley
and young Mr. glicker here,
well, they have just
never quite latched on
to the chippewa spirit,
nor have some of their
little comrades.
Isn't that sad?
- Yes!
- Yes!
Don't we just
hate that?
- Yes!
- Yes!
Don't we wish
they'd just die?
- Yes!
- Yes!
We don't.
But you know what
we'll do with them?
We're going to make
an example.
We are going to show
that anyone,
no matter how odd
or pale or chubby,
can still have
a darn good time.
Whether they
like it or not.
What are you going to do?
Yes, indeedy,
just the ticket.
Bambi.
Lassie come home.
The little mermaid.
Stop it.
He's only a child.
Don't worry.
We're getting out of here.
But...
It's Disney.
Yes.
~ the hillsare alive ~
~ with the sound of music ~
~ with songs they have sung ~
~ for a thousand years... ~~
~ and they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ~
~ that this group must
somehow form a family ~
~ that's the way we all
became the bradybunch... ~~
~ you're always a day ~
~ a-way ~~.
Well...
Good evening.
Is there anything
you'd like to say to everyone?
Yes.
And just what
might that be?
I'm not perky.
That's for damn sure.
But I want to be.
You do?
I want to smile
and sing and dance
and be pocahontas
in Gary's vision.
Oh, darling,
do you really mean it?
- [Gasps]
- [Gasps]
Isn't she pretty?
She's scaring me!
Oh, gar.
Yeah.
Aah!
Stay back!
He's very sick.
My baby!
Lumbar, dison...
Pox and thither,
curad, brattle,
bone and brine!
[Laughing]
Bone and brine!
[Coos]
Well, he's stubborn.
It works on cats.
- What are we going to do?
- Is it hopeless?
Here it is.
"Chapter 18.
Infant possessions."
He's possessed?
"Warning signs--
"severe alterations
in appearance and personality.
Such alterations
can become permanent."
Permanent?
Those golden curls?
Those rosy cheeks?
That smile?
"These terrifying changes
"are most often the result
of a troubled family life.
Separations--"
you mean...
Fester!
Bingo! This kid knows
that something is not
right around here.
Unless fester comes back,
we're talking dimples.
Not in this house.
He could stay this way
for years. Forever.
He could become...
A lawyer...
I won't listen!
An orthodontist...
Mama, stop!
President.
[Pubert laughs]
Please! I beg you!
Take me!
Each summer we take
this occasion
to celebrate a seminal event
in American history.
This year, we depict
perhaps the most important day
in our shared past--
the first Thanksgiving!
A day for maize,
the native American
word for corn,
a terrific Turkey dinner,
and brotherhood!
So, white meat
and dark meat,
take it away!
[Piano plays]
~ eat us, hey,
it's Thanksgiving day ~
~ eat us,
we make a nice buffet ~
~ we lost the race
with farmer ed ~
~ eat us 'cause
we're good and dead ~
~ white man or red man ~
~ from east, north,
or South ~
~ chop off our legs ~
~ and put 'em
in your mouth ~
~ eat me ~
~ sauteed or barbecued ~
~ eat me ~
~ we once were pets,
but now we're food ~
~ we won't stay fresh
for very long ~
~ so eat us before
we finish this song ~
~ eat us before
we finish this song ~~
[sobbing]
Thank you.
It was a senseless tragedy.
Ha ha!
[Ticking]
Angel, I'm going out
for just a minute.
I forgot the champagne.
Our three-week anniversary!
I'll go.
No, no.
You're working hard enough.
I'll just put your present
on the table.
Don't peek!
Oh, please, please!
What is it?
Is it string?
You never know.
Uh...
Is it a dog toy?
Just you wait.
It's a bomb.
What?
I know.
Wait for my birthday.
Fester...
Let me look at you.
I want to remember you
just this way.
What do you mean?
Rich. Will you miss me?
But you'll be right back,
won't you?
Of course.
Whoo!
Hoo hoo hoo hoo!
I am so glad we invited
the chippewas
to join us
for this holiday meal.
Remember, these savages
are our guests.
We must not be surprised
at any of their
strange customs.
After all, they have not
had our advantages,
such as fine schools,
libraries full of books,
shampoo.
[Audience chuckles]
How. I am pocahontas,
a chippewa maiden.
An Indian.
Enough said.
And I am running bear,
betrothed to pocahontas.
In the play.
20 grand for summer camp,
he's Mr. woo-woo.
We have brought a special gift
for this holiday feast.
I am a Turkey. Kill me.
What a thoughtful gift!
Why, you are
as civilized as we,
except we wear shoes
and have last names.
Welcome to our table,
our new primitive friends.
Thank you,
Sarah Miller.
You're the most beautiful person
I've ever seen.
Your hair is the color
of the sun,
your skin is like fresh milk,
and everyone loves you.
Stop! Sit.
Wait.
What?
We cannot break
bread with you.
Huh? Becky,
what's going on?
[Becky]
Wednesday!
You have taken the land
which is
rightfully ours.
Years from now,
my people will be forced
to live in mobile homes
on reservations.
Your people
will wear cardigans
and drink highballs.
We will sell our bracelets
by the roadsides.
You will play golf
and enjoy
hot hors d'oeuvres.
My people will have pain
and degradation.
Your people
will have stick shifts.
The gods of my tribe
have spoken.
They have said,
"do not trust the pilgrims,
especially Sarah Miller."
Gary, she's changing the words.
And for all these reasons,
I have decided to scalp you
and burn your village
to the ground.
[Yelling Indian war cry]
Aah!
Children! Campers!
Stop!
You're destroying my text!
Aah! Aah!
He's not a team player.
He needs friends.
He needs friends like this?
- Aah!
- Oh!
- [Gasps]
- [Gasps]
Aah!
Uh, I beg your pardon.
Do something!
[Muffled screams]
[Muffled screams]
[Muffled screams]
~ macho, macho man ~
~ feel my muscles ~
~ I've got to be a macho man ~
~ mucho, mucho, macho, macho ~
~ I got to be a macho ~
~ hey, hey, hey, hey ~.
Hey! Wait!
What time is it, Jorge?
Ah, 6:25.
Oops. Got to go.
- No!
- Wait!
Wait here.
It's my anniversary.
I'll be right back.
Your husband
is a very lucky man.
Don't say that!
~ hey, hey, hey ~
~ hey, macho, macho man ~
~ I got to be a macho man ~~
[ticking]
Cheers.
Oh, no, no.
But, officer...
My husband
was in that house.
[Laughing]
Happy anniversary, Debbie.
Help. Help.
Sweetheart!
Did you get the champagne?
Freeze!
Pookie?
I tried to make it
look like an accident.
I tried to give you some dignity,
but, oh, no, not you.
What are you saying?
I want you dead,
and I want your money.
But--but...
Don't you love me?
Is that a no?
Oh, do I love you.
Look at yourself!
You're a nightmare.
You're the missing link.
You shouldn't be married.
You should be studied.
You're a big,
dumb, weird thing.
No woman in her right mind
could love you.
Yeow!
Thing!
I'll get you!
And your little hand, too!
Aah!
Come on.
No. I have to go back.
For the others.
You're very brave.
And to watch the place burn.
You go.
Save your Uncle.
I may never
see you again.
I know.
There are forces
tearing us apart--
Gary, Debbie,
seventh grade.
I'll never forget you.
You won't?
You're too weird.
We'll always have today
and chippewa.
And this.
What is it?
Amanda's retainer.
Cara Mia.
Mon Cher.
[Honking]
Come on!
Move it!
Move out of the way!
"We looked,
"then we saw him
step in on the mat.
"We looked,
and we saw him--
the cat in the hat."
Are you enjoying this?
To think...
A child of mine.
"I know it is wet,
"and the sun is not sunny,
"but we can have
lots of good fun,
that is funny."
Oh, no.
He lives.
Come on! It's Gomez!
~ swing low ~
~ sweet chariot ~
~ coming for
to carry me home ~
~ swing low ~~.
My baby is ill,
and my husband
is dying.
Oh, mama,
what shall I do?
Well, you have
a black dress.
Gomez!
- Fester!
- Fester!
Fester? Where is fester?
He's right here,
mon Cher.
It's me, Gomez.
I've tried to be
someone I'm not.
I live in shame...
And the suburbs!
But you belong to Debbie.
You're Debbie's love toy.
You are Mr. Debbie!
I am an Addams!
Fester!
Uncle fester!
Children!
You sent us to camp.
They made us sing.
My own dear family.
How I've missed you all.
Our whole family--
together at last.
Three generations...
Above ground.
In-laws!
I don't want
to hurt anybody.
I don't enjoy
hurting anybody.
I don't like guns or bombs
or electric chairs,
but sometimes
people just won't listen,
and so I have to use
persuasion...
And slides.
My parents--
Sharon and Dave.
Generous, doting...
Or were they?
All I ever wanted
was a ballerina Barbie
in her pretty pink tutu.
My birthday.
I was 10,
and do you know
what they got me?
Malibu Barbie.
Malibu Barbie.
The nightmare.
The nerve.
That's not
what I wanted.
That's not who I was.
I was a ballerina--
graceful, delicate.
They had to go.
My first husband,
the heart surgeon.
All day long,
coronaries, transplants.
What about your needs?
"Sorry about dinner, Deb.
The pope has a cold."
An axe.
That takes me back.
Husband number two--
the senator.
He loved his state.
He loved his country.
What about Debbie?
"Sorry, Debbie.
No Mercedes this year.
We have to set an example."
Oh, yeah? Set this!
My latest husband.
My late husband fester.
The fool.
The corpse.
And his adorable family.
You took me in.
You accepted me.
But did any of you love me?
Really love me?
Hands.
So I--I killed.
So I maimed.
So I destroyed one
innocent life after another.
Aren't I a human being?
Don't I yearn and...
Ache and shop?
Don't I deserve love...
And jewelry?
Adieu, mon Cher.
Adios, Cara Mia.
Debbie, let them go.
Take me and my money.
For what I've done,
I deserve to die.
Sorry.
[Whistling]
Goodbye, everybody.
Wish me luck.
- Good luck.
- Good luck.
A birthday party!
What a treat!
And to think I might
have missed all this.
What was I thinking of?
Physical pleasure.
Oh...
Uncle fester,
do you miss Debbie?
Well, sometimes,
late at night.
I remember
how she'd turn to me
and say "Jesus, fester,
go back to your room."
Yoo-hoo!
Are we late?
[Chattering]
Not at all.
We'rejust getting started.
I hope no one minds.
We brought along a guest.
This is our new nanny--
dementia.
Oh...
Dementia.
What a beautiful name.
It means insanity.
My name's fester.
It means to rot.
A toast.
To the glorious
mysteries of life.
To all that binds
a family as one.
To mirth, to merriment,
to manslaughter.
- Hear, hear.
- [Chattering]
To dear friends.
[Chattering]
[Chattering]
To new friends.
To youth.
How do I look?
Disturbing.
To passion.
To paradise.
To pain.
Tonight.
Ha ha! Make way
for the birthday boy!
Thing, will you
do the honors?
[Playing "Happy Birthday"]
Your family
is really interesting.
Your parents are so
involved with each other.
Wednesday, do you think,
like, maybe someday
you might want to get
married and have kids?
No.
But what if you met
just the right man
who worshipped
and adored you,
who'd do anything
for you,
who'd be
your devoted slave?
What would you do?
I'd pity him.
Poor Debbie.
She was sick.
She wasn't sick.
She was sloppy.
What do you mean?
If I wanted to kill my husband,
I'd do it, and I wouldn't get caught.
How?
I'd scare him to death.
No, you wouldn't.
We're all very sorry, Debbie.
We wish you only the best.
Aah! Aah!
Aah!
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~
~ come on, come on ~
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~
~ yeah, yo, dig it ~
~ back again,
the Addams family ~
~ new baby in the house
makes three ~
~ Wednesday, pugsley,
lurch, you ring it ~
~ fester, grandmama,
and thing ~
~ wait, can't forget
cousin ltt ~
~ tag team raps
another party hit ~
~ it's the Addams family
movie thing ~
~ Gomez, morticia,
come on, sing ~
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~
~ come on, come on ~
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~
~ let me tell you,
it's the a-d-d-a-m-s ~
~ the Addams family,
y'all, yes, yes ~
~ they're creepy, kooky,
mysterious, spooky ~
~ as loony as can be
when you see the movie ~
~ it goes on and on,
the madness won't stop ~
~ tick to the tock
around the clock ~
~ tag team kicks the floor,
really, though ~
~ with the Addams family,
so here we go ~
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~
~ hey, there it is ~
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~
~ come on, come on,
come on, come on ~
~ whoomp! Family ~
~ whoomp! Family, whoa ~
~ whoomp! Family, whoa ~
~ the Addams family ~
~ whoomp! Family, whoa ~
~ whoomp! Family, whoa ~
~ whoomp! Family, whoa ~
~ the Addams family ~
~ something's strange,
something's funny ~
~ nanny's got a plot
to get the family money ~
~ makes fester
fall for her ~
~ thing gets wise,
spreads the word ~
~ the family
comes to fester's aid ~
~ the plot is foiled,
no one gets paid ~
~ it's the Addams family
runnin' things ~
~ get back
while tag team swings ~
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~
~ yeah, come on, come on ~
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~
~ yeah, give it to me ~
~ it's a family thing,
and it won't quit ~
~ they keep it together,
y'all, and that's it ~
~ they're not ordinary,
just strange ~
~ some say loco,
insane to the brain ~
~ but you know
that you love 'em ~
~ in a class
by theirselves ~
~ none below,
none above 'em ~
~ it ain't nothing
to be ashamed of~
~ so give love to the folks
who go by the name of~
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~
~ yeah ~
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~
~ ooh-ee ~
~ the Addams family theme,
I'm gonna kick it ~
~ step to the mic
like cube and get with it ~
~ props to the number one
family of horror ~
~ this song's for the movie
and the dance floor ~
~ tag team
always delivers the funk ~
~ from the old school,
with the bump for the trunk ~
~ and it umps,
with big bass on the low ~
~ like my homey all said ~
~ you don't hear me, though ~
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~
~ yeah, give it to me ~
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~
~ yeah ~
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~~
~ express yourself~
~ express yourself~
~ ooh ~
~ express yourself~
~ express yourself~
~ express yourself~
~ you don't ever need
help from nobody else ~
~ all you've got to do
now, yeah ~
~ come on ~
~ express yourself,
come on ~
~ express yourself,
come on ~
~ let it out
of its creepy shell ~
~ because
you know you could ~
~ express yourself,
come on ~
~ express yourself,
come on ~
~ come on, people
come on, people ~
~ 'cause you know
it's good, yeah ~
~ express yourself~~
~ breaking hearts ~
~just ain't my day ~
~ it ain't my day ~
~ all I want to do ~
~ ls love you ~
~ well ~
~ sugar, I won't fill ya ~
~ with regret, my love ~
~ yo, what you're lookin' for ~
~ ls real lovin' ~
~ real lovin' ~
~ no matter what you see ~
~ ls what you get ~
~ ahh, baby ~
~ what you see ~
~ yeah, is what you get ~
~ ls what you get ~
~ what you see ~
~ what you see ~
~ ls what you get ~
~ ls what you get ~
~ I said what you see ~
~ ls what you get, now, baby ~
~ ls what you get ~
~ and real ~
~ and the real thing ~
~ ls the best thing yet ~
~ the best thing yet ~
~ oh ~
~ oh, what you see ~
~ yes, why ~
~ ls what you get ~
~ oh, oh ~
~ you're so good ~
~ I can't stand myself~
~ ah, ah, ah ~
~ ls what you get ~
~ ooh, baby ~
~ what you see ~
~ what you see ~
~ ls what you get ~
~ ls what you get ~
~ what you see ~
~ what you see ~
~ ls what you get ~
~ ls what you get ~
~ I said what you see ~
~ ls what you get, now, baby ~
~ ls what you get ~
~ and real ~
~ ls the best thing yet ~
~ the best thing yet ~
~ are you ready for me? ~
~ whoo! ~~
~ do it, do it any way
you wanna do it ~
~ do it any way you wanna ~
~ I saw you ~
~ do it any way
you wanna do it ~
~ do it any way you wanna ~
~ I saw you, baby ~
~ do it ~
~ do it any way you wanna ~
~ do it ~
~ do it ~
~ do it any way
you wanna, wanna, wanna ~~
~ whoomp! Addams family ~
~ there it is ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~
~ whoomp!
The Addams family ~~