Adventures In Public School (2017) Movie Script
1
I like to think about the
beginning of the universe a lot.
A lot, a lot.
About how there's
ten trillion galaxies,
more stars than grains
of sand on the Earth,
how it's been around for 13.82
billion years, give or take.
So why does this stupid
little moment feel so big?
It's so small.
My first day
at public school.
That's my mom
holding my hand.
Are you sure we should
be holding hands?
- Yeah, yeah, obviously.
- Don't be nervous.
Let's go in. I'm freezing
my tits off out here.
Okay.
Big freaking exam day.
I don't know this yet,
but walking through those doors
is gonna change my life forever,
like some supernova
explosion of love.
Wait. Oh, that's a
really pretty image.
Rewind.
Let's go to
the beginning of me.
Hey, Liam.
Hey. Liam?
Okay, what are your obstacles
for tomorrow's exam? Go.
Uh, sometimes I get lazy with my
handwriting and my Y's look like J's.
- Yes.
- I can do better. I can do better.
Mom, uh...
And I get nervous sweats.
Go to Cambridge,
study with Stephen Hawking,
become the second-most famous
astronomer of all time.
Honey, I think you can
become most famous.
I mean, it's Stephen
Hawking, come on.
Hot hint for today's
practice exam,
it's just a practice.
But tomorrow, not too
much water pre-exam.
- Why not?
- Too many bathroom breaks.
- Right.
- Okay.
Batter up. Ready?
I'm already
a little bit excited.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, look, I'm sweating.
- Really?
- Looks like excite sweat.
- That's fun.
- You wanna feel it?
Yeah.
Ew! Okay.
All right. Ready?
You may begin... now.
Oh, nuts!
- Can I sharpen my pencil?
- Yes.
We should get you
a good mechanical pencil.
- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Let's celebrate!
- Okay.
Wiggles]
- I am.
What do you mean?
-L'm celebrating.
- When?
- Right now.
- Now?
- Right now.
- You're celebrating right now?
Yep.
Well, we can really celebrate
at prom tomorrow night.
Are you excited?
We can really cut loose.
Yeah, I was thinking of maybe
just doing some silent reading.
Liam!
When you graduate,
you have to have a prom.
It's a rite of passage.
Who did you invite?
YOU?
Well, of course I'm
gonna be there, sweetie.
- My best friend.
- You know what?
I love you infinity.
Go outside
and play, kiddo.
Okay.
Okay, now remember,
always put down an answer
even if you don't know
the answer.
And start with
the easiest questions first,
and then move on
to the hardest questions,
because that way you'll
leave yourself more time
for the things
you don't know
and you won't stress out
about the things
that you do know,
because you'll
be freaking out about
some of the harder questions.
Liam?
Wow, there are
so many students!
Honey, focus.
- Focus, okay?
- Yeah.
Ugh! I had to
go to this school.
I had to go to this school for
stupid people, but you don't.
You're going to Cambridge,
because you are special
and you're perfect, all right?
Remember that.
Now we put you in layers,
because if it gets cold,
you can put 'em back on.
When you get hot,
you can take 'em off.
Okay, and don't, like,
look all, like, up in the sky
back and forth
like Stevie Wonder
if you don't
know the answer,
because they will nail
your butt for cheating.
They will. Okay?
Now, when you
pass this test,
you are
a high school graduate.
Okay, go! Go get 'em!
What? Oh!
Hi, Autumn.
Hi, Liam.
Meet Autumn.
She runs a not-for-profit
that protests
cruelty to snails.
All this training
for you, my dear.
And you can begin...
now.
Only losers
get 97 fricking percent.
I've been here all morning.
Autumn insisted
that we come early.
Gross.
You know, Autumn's
been requesting
we do a unit
on Bolivian weaving.
- Hmm.
- She can't get enough of it. Get this.
She made a traditional
Bolivian flat-knot for me.
I've been using it
as a phone case.
Liam is
obsessed with black holes.
- I love it when you do that.
- Thank you.
Do you want me
to talk dirty?
Yes.
Looks like we're gonna need
a new trophy case, huh?
These aren't trophies.
They're just awards
for participation.
We have a very high
rate of participation.
It's Dumbo. Participation's
mandatory, not award-worthy.
Well, at this school,
it's award-worthy, you know.
I'm the principal.
- Okay.
- That's nice.
Normally that
impresses people.
My name's on this one.
It's a participation award
for the debate club.
Oh, yeah. There you go.
Yeah. Hey, congrats.
Thanks. I got pregnant
on that field trip.
That's quite a bit
of participation.
I have a son.
I home-school him.
Home-school kids.
- Normally that impresses people.
- Yeah.
Well, hey,
next time you're here,
we'll setup an appointment and
we'll talk curriculum. Yeah?
Okay, great. We'll probably
never be here again, though.
- Okay.
- Ugh!
That was the closest
I've been to sex in a while.
Me, too.
You know, the kids here
are getting way more than me,
like circle-jerk
parties at 13!
Yeah. That's why I'm going
with Liam to Cambridge,
to protect him
from getting derailed.
Autumn's not getting
derailed without me.
No one's having sex
with those kids but us.
Around.
- Yes.
- Or nearby at least.
'Etimer b e8 was! ps1
Fifty-three minutes left.
Good Job, Liam.
Pat on the back.
What? All done?
It's impossible.
Apparently it is not.
Uh, you should know that
someone wrote on the desk
with permanent marker,
"You're a dirty cocksucker."
I'm not
a dirty cocksucker.
It wasn't me.
The light from
the Quanta 6 supernova
is probably hitting
Earth right now.
Wow! Crazy!
Can I get my test back?
- Yeah, what's your name?
-lt's Liam Heap.
It's right there.
It's the only one there.
Right.
You're the kid that called me
"the dirty cocksucker."
That wasn't me.
Somebody wrote it on the desk.
You kids start
these nasty rumors
about me and Tony,
the Phys. Ed. teacher,
because you see me and Tony
hanging at lunch, shooting hoops?
Well, all right, yeah.
I had been with a man,
and it was Tony.
But I'm... I'm not
a dirty cocksucker.
Can I just have
my test back, please?
Okay.
You double-aced it, right?
I mean, you did, right?
You did. I can tell.
Ooh! It's written all over
your superb little face.
I almost think
we should get ice cream.
Almost.
You know what else
I was thinking?
I was thinking today...
um, I'm gonna go
to Cambridge with you.
I mean, why not?
You're gonna be there
all by yourself. Right?
Right?
Oh, well, it's locked
and zippered.
Well, let's just...
Oh, wait.
Hold on one second.
I have the key!
So I will...
Oh, wow! It is not
budging the vault.
I see.
It's the wrong key, Mom.
Cambridge. Oh, God!
University life.
Hey, you got any
hotties coming in?
No, I don't have
any girlfriends here.
Hey, what's that?
My friend book.
It's like online,
but not online.
As you can see, the top two
spaces are solidly filled,
but the third
is up for grabs.
If you're interested,
I can put you down.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
put me down there.
That list should fill up
and go viral.
Okay. I would really
like to cut in.
All right, he's all yours.
- Okay.
- Thanks.
Come here, you.
- This is nice.
- Yeah.
I feel like
a pretty cool kid.
You are such a cool kid.
I hope this is a long song,
'cause Grandma
is chomping at the bit
to dance with you.
You look like
a real man today, Liam.
What?
Good night!
Good night, Mom!
- Go ahead, open it.
- You already did.
Read it.
- Do you know what that means?
- That you opened it?
What else?
That I didn't
graduate high school?
No. You failed!
You failed home-school!
You failed us!
Look, I can take the test
again in four months.
There must be some kind of error.
6% in physics?
Physics, Liam.
You own physics!
Technically,
I don't own physics.
Technically,
physics owns me.
How can you get 6%?
- I caved.
- Caved how?
Under intense
high school pressures.
Bull crap!
You know this stuff.
This is why you've been such
a hush-hush bug. What...
What is it?
- Those questions were hard.
- Bull crap!
And plus, females.
I got all frightened,
and tingly, and--
Whoa.
Hold the telephone.
You're rebelling.
That's what this is.
Oh, my God! I can't...
I can't even look at your face.
You're rebelling so much.
I can't.
- Mom.
- No.
- Mom, look at me.
- No.
- Mom, look at my face.
- No! No!
Look. Mom! I saw some things
that I have never seen before.
I think I need
to fess up here.
Yeah.
I was thinking that maybe
I might make the decision
that it's kinda time for me
to maybe go to public school.
Public school?
Are you trying to kill me?
Liam, I have taught you
more in days
than they could
teach you in years!
Public school?
- Mom, I don't know what to say.
- Baloney!
What 12-year-old boy
teaches blind kids to read
Braille in Cambodia?
You are a man
of the world!
Baby, I don't get it.
Can you just give me...
Give me ten reasons!
I'm sorry.
Now I just wanna
be clear right off the bat.
This is school, right?
We're not just sitting
around the house
learning about pirates
and making volcanoes.
This school is serious.
As in serious gangs
and serious drugs. Yeah.
Sometimes I don't even
wanna walk down the halls.
Some of these guys
are packing heat.
I mean, take for example,
Maria Sanchez. She's...
Yeah, just like you,
straight A's, sweet kid.
But unfortunately,
she just took a leave.
- Because of the drugs?
- No.
She's got a lung thing.
Or no, it's a...
It's a brain thing.
It's one or the other.
It's... I've got it here.
I got it here somewhere.
What's happening?
What's that?
I don't...
Okay, I don't...
You know,
it's a zoo here, okay?
We've got
over 2,000 students.
Right. Well, we tried.
Let's go.
What if I took
the sick girl's spot?
What are you getting at, kid?
Well, if Maria Sanchez is sick,
then I can take her seat,
her classes,
I can do her homework.
I mean,
you have a free space
to experience high school
for one week.
That would save me
a lot of paperwork.
You can't really do that, though.
Can you?
Yeah. No. I mean,
I can do anything
with a memo. Just...
Yeah,
Liam can slide right
into Maria's slot
and take-- take her place
from the...
Um, let's see.
Yeah, go to her classes, sit at
her desk, do her assignments.
This is her class.
That's her class schedule.
And you're gonna need this.
This is her ID.
Modern dance and Phys. Ed.
ls that necessary?
Yeah. Maria Sanchez is
one of our top learners.
This looks like a community
center schedule,
or some kind of assisted
living center schedule.
A little independence.
It's good for you.
This is so hard.
I know.
- Do you have your key?
- Yeah.
- Okay. And your cell?
- Oh, yeah. It's...
Okay.
Right, one last hug.
Okay, final hug. Go.
Okay, hug break.
We're stuck together,
you and me.
- Yeah, forever.
- Forever.
- Well, not forever.
- No, forever.
-Okay.
-Okay.
Okay!
Hey.
- Who're you?
- Hello.
My name's Liam Heap.
I'm here for a week
to win over
the one-legged girl.
And I'm filling in
for Maria Sanchez.
This is her locker?
Yeah, Maria is
my locker buddy,
and you're not
getting the combo.
See, I got
my trophies in there.
Okay, you may
not recognize me,
but I am
the reigning champ
at the Cherry Rock High
Halloween Contest,
four years in a row.
Four years.
I got last year,
the year before that,
the year before that,
and the year before that.
You know
what I'm saying?
That means that
I am the bar.
Yeah.
You like Rigoberto Bianco?
Yeah, is he a wizard or...
No, no. He's like a... He's
like a Spanish Michael Bolton.
Look, I'm here
on a mission.
Right, the one-legged
wonder girl.
I swear, there's a new guy in here
every term chasing after her.
You know, she never told anybody
what happened to her leg.
She saves that.
It's legend.
Anyway, just to be clear...
we're not gonna be friends.
I got enough friends.
Right.
- Corey.
- Here.
- Stephanie.
- Present.
Justine.
Wow! Same class.
Looking at her was like looking
at Arp 273, the rose of galaxies.
Anastasia.
- Rider.
- Anastasia.
- George.
- Present.
Maria.
Maria Sanchez.
Oh, uh, here.
Can I help you, Mr. Teacher?
Maria's five-second
rule experiment.
I expect it
at the end of the term.
No, um, actually,
I'm not Maria Sanchez.
I'm just here for a week.
I'm home-schooled.
Aren't we all?
- Sarah.
- Here.
Harry.
No.
- No.
- Honey?
Not in a classroom.
- It's my mom.
- Liam, are you there?
Hola, mi nombre
es Maria Sanchez.
No,
I'm Maria Sanchez.
She has, like, a lung or a brain thing.
It's pretty bad.
J"Ah
J"Ah
on!
Hi, penis breath.
Where's Maria?
Oh, she's sick with a lung
and a brain thing.
It's at... My name is actually
not "penis breath," it's Liam.
I'm BDC.
- BDC?
- Brian Denis Chad.
That's like three
first names, sort of.
No. That's a first,
middle, and last.
Yeah, in that...
In your case, yeah.
Earthquake, Maria!
Good.
Hello!
Liam, hello. Honey, is
everything all right?
Liam? Hello?
Hey, Mom. No, it's fine.
It was a wrong number. Sorry,
I didn't mean to call you.
Oh. Okay,
I love you, sweetie.
I love you, too. Bye.
You're an even bigger
nerd than me.
Oh, yeah, I just figured
I'd warm my pants up. Toasty.
Oh, I forget to tell you
BDC is an asshole.
Yeah,
I figured that out.
So, what? Everybody
calls me "Maria" now?
It's caught on pretty fast.
I mean, your name's Maria now.
It's pretty. Work with it.
Hey, new kid on the block.
- She has a limp?
- Yeah.
A real irregular gait.
Not weird, just irregular,
like she puts all of her
movement onto her strongest leg.
Kinda like one of those gimpy
dogs that has all that courage.
Liam, are you sure
that this girl is real?
She kinda reminds me of a
cyborg, but she's very real.
- Did she say anything else to you?
- Yeah, I told you.
She looked at me and then
she smiled like this.
And then she said,
"Ooh, hello there, you."
- I think she likes you.
- Whoa!
Okay, uh,
wow, wow, wow, wow, wow,
wow, wow, wow, wow, wow!
Uh, I don't know.
That's... Mmm, okay.
I knew this would happen.
I mean, if I'd had a girl,
she would stay with me forever,
like, even after
she got married.
But a guy like you, meet a girl
and then you're gone.
- What? That's not true.
- Yeah, it is true.
Grandma warned me it was gonna
happen, and she was right.
Grandma, that's not true.
Mom, you're my best friend.
I love you infinity.
- That's a long time.
- Yeah, it's the most.
It wasn't
until the next day
that I realized in that one
minute between 1:44 and 1:45,
right near the southwest
handicapped bathroom,
we would pass each other.
Hi!
Every day.
Hello.
Hey!
Hey!
Whoo!
Are you... Can I ask?
- Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
- We haven't really talked about this.
I just feel like you're
moving so fast already.
Are you thinking about
sleeping with her?
Oh, Mom! I mean,
Grandma's right here.
She's eating.
She's not listening.
- Grandma, you want a fire truck?
- Yes, dear.
Okay, so, are you
thinking of sex?
Yes, honey.
- No, Mom, I'm talking to Liam.
- I mean, no.
No, I mean, I was sort of
thinking about touching her leg,
touching her leg at school is
sort of like a legend, so...
Liam, I'm not stupid.
No one celebrates virginity.
I mean, we should.
- High five!
- Right?
Yeah! Now, I know I'm a mom,
but I know you boys
think about it,
I change your sheets, and I know the
pressure you put on yourselves,
but listen, I mean,
you guys have gone so far
already that I think, you know,
I think she might be...
-a bit of a whore.
- Whoa!
- I mean, I hate
that I had to say that.
You know, I think maybe I should
eat lunch in the cafeteria.
So you can have lunch
with the one-legged girl?
Well, it just doesn't seem
like a lot of other moms
are here with
their kids at school.
That cafeteria serves
homeless-person food.
I'm adding years
to your life here.
Well, I just feel like maybe I should
eat lunch with the other students.
If you were having lunch with
a guy, I'd be fine with that.
You'd be fine if your mom
was dude-dating?
Yeah, yeah, I would.
I mean, if he was
a nice gentleman.
- Okay, but-- - I'm not
allowed to have sugar.
No, you can have sugar.
I don't care. Makes you
grumpy-pants, but... Whatever.
Okay. Well, I'm gonna stealth out of the
car and you're not gonna be able to see me
'cause I'm gonna be
so stealthy. Ninja.
Liam, you left the door open!
God damn it!
Ugh! Dang it!
Ugh!
Oh! Hey, Maria.
I actually just
called you last night
and I got some Spanish
Antonio Banderas guy.
- Is that your dad?
- No, that's probably Maria's number.
- Oh, yeah! Right. I didn't--
- Spanish, yeah.
I don't speak Spanish,
so I didn't...
Didn't occur to me, yeah.
Oh! Uh, shoot, I better go.
I have to say hi to a girl.
Yeah, me, too. Oh, hey!
One second.
I actually
do need your number,
your mother's number.
Oh, okay.
Oh, okay, now,
I can call this nu...
I can speak to your...
- To your... Your dad?
- Nope, just my mom.
Fuck yeah! Okay. Yeah,
it's just procedural stuff.
I figured out
that at 1:58 p.m.,
if I cut through the gym
to the east hall,
I would pass her again,
get one more hello.
Oh, hey! Deja vu.
- Hey!
- Hey!
Hey!
You ready to go home, bucko?
Actually,
I have badminton practice.
Badminton? What? But you've done the week.
We said one week.
Yeah, the badminton team
needs me.
Sanchez. Bad.
So I'm just gonna
go practice after
and then maybe just
a few more months of school.
A few more months?
Are you joking?
I just maybe feel
like I needed to adjust,
and then I'll rewrite the exam
and I'll double-ace it,
and I'll go to Cambridge and
I'll study with Stephen Hawking.
It's just a little bit of
badminton at school. It's fine.
Jump in the car
and we'll talk.
Well, I have to practice
right now, like right now.
But the... It's fish Friday!
- It is?
- Well, it's Friday.
- Well, what kinda fish?
- Rainbow trout.
No, I... Sorry,
I gotta go to badminton.
Sorry, Mom. I love you.
Bye, save some for me.
What are you doing here?
Badminton. You?
Badminton.
Where'd you get that?
- Over there.
-lt's game.
- When... What?
-lt's game.
- What do you mean?
-lt's lingo.
- Lingo for the game?
- No, lingo for the racket.
The racket is game.
Who are they?
They're the angels of death.
- Liam?
- No, this is Mr. Kelly, the principal.
Uh, Listen,
I know your boy, Maria--
Liam. His name is Liam.
ls he okay?
Right. Yeah, of course,
he goes by Liam at home.
Yeah, no, he's fine,
he's okay.
Uh, like, I understand him staying on.
You know, off the record, um,
I'm single, and, you know, I remember
the other week you came by and you,
uh, over by the trophy case,
you were asking me
if I was impressed
with your homeschooling
and I just wanted to say,
"Yeah, I am."
What?
lam. Hello?
- Is that...
- Uh!
Uh...
Mmm-mmm... Hmm...
Mmm, mmm, mmm...
Oh!
Maria, I swear to God.
Come on!
- Nice game, Maria.
- Hit the showers, boys.
Yeah, right.
I shower alone.
Ah! I'm like
the moon or something
slowly moving away
from Mother Earth.
3.87 centimeters
a year, actually.
It's a thing. It really is.
Thanks for the fish.
Yeah, sure.
I love you infinity.
- Hey.
- Okey.
I hear you loud and clear,
and I know why you wanna
stay at school
until the end of the term.
You're rebelling
with a capital R,
and I think it's a good thing, a necessary
thing for our success at Cambridge.
So let's do it now together
and get it out of your
system before university
in a safe and
responsible way, okay?
Do what together?
RebeL
Your rebellion.
I want you to have friends,
teach you your
teenage rebellion.
Just when I think I know you,
you surprise the living
bejesus out of me.
Thank you.
Why is it weird to say
my mom's cool
and she's my best friend?
- It's not weird.
- No, it is.
At school, moms aren't cool.
They should be.
I love you.
Beep boop,
my little robot man.
Oh, beep hoop.
You power down now.
You got work tomorrow.
- Beep boop, mmm.
- You're still buzzing.
Beep hoop, oh!
Okay, brainstorming.
What are outlets
that teens rebel with?
- Liam.
- Swimming after I eat.
I think you could think
a little bit bigger.
- Mmm.
- Liam.
Um, not wearing pants.
Mm, how about
staying out late?
That's good.
With girls.
- Ooh.
- Skipping school.
Ooh. Uh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
Uh, swearing.
Bingo, bango. Yes.
- Getting my nose pierced.
- No way. No way.
That is permanent. Why don't
we start with swearing?
Go ahead. Say the big one.
Dicks.
Why would you say that?
Say the big one.
The "F" one with the...
Fuck.
- What?
- Fuck.
I didn't quite hear you.
- Fuck.
- So weird to hear you say that.
- Okay, say it again.
- Fuck.
- With conviction!
- Fuck!
- Like an afro singer.
- Fuck!
Now point to that book
and say, "Fuck off, book!"
-"Fuck off, book!"
- Yeah, do it again, uh...
- Fuck you, uh, chalkboard.
- Yeah!
Fuck you, chalk.
Fuck you, chair.
Fuck you, table.
Fuck you, highlighters.
Fuck you, pencil,
fuck you, red pens,
fuck you, black pens,
fuck you, blue pens.
- And fuck you--
- No, don't you effing dare.
No, "F" for fail.
Sorry.
I forgive you.
Now that word is also a verb.
Liam, I can see it written
all over your face
and there is no easy
way to do this.
When I say "Trojan,"
what is your first thought?
The ancient city of Troy,
Hector and Achilles,
the Greek and Trojan soldiers
famous for their bravery
in battle and their
seven-layered ox-hide shields.
And sodomy.
So the Trojans are still
very much alive today.
They are living in there.
Think of that as
a one-layer latex shield.
Who would go into battle without one
of those on their penis, right?
- Right, that's a good point.
- Okay, so...
I want you to practice
in here alone in the dark.
I'll be in the kitchen
if you need me.
Oh, hello, Anastasia.
You see, I have
this condom here.
I was wondering if you'd like
to have intercourse with me.
Oh, you would?
Great.
- Mom?
- Yeah.
Eight seconds.
I don't know what
happened, but eventually her...
Hello!
...turned into...
- Hey.
...which then became...
Until finally...
We were a 110%
off each other.
Wow. Crazy.
Oh, frig! Oh, frig!
You look like
you need a hug.
No, no, no, I'm not allowed
to touch the students.
But you definitely look
like you need a hug.
Come with me.
Let's talk about your future.
So what did you say
this was called again?
Astronomy.
Astronomy. Astronomy.
I don't see astronomy in here,
but I do see massage therapy.
Yeah, I was thinking
more astronomy.
Yeah, but you could
get your certificate
in eight months
and you're done.
Okay.
Besides, you look like
a massage therapist.
Do you know how good that is?
You get to touch people.
I can't touch anybody here.
I'm just saying,
you gotta keep your
options open, you know?
You know, a few years ago,
there was a kid who did
a string of B-and-E's.
He got sent to the state pen
for three years.
But he fast-tracked
a sociology degree for free.
I'm not saying that's the
route you need to go,
but something
to think about.
You know, my whole life,
all I've wanted
to do is astronomy.
All right.
Why don't we do this?
Why don't we take
our personality/job test
on the computer,
and see what that says?
Okay.
Hey, that... The guy
who did the B-and-E's
and then went to jail,
uh, what did he become?
At a party, do you interact
with everyone, few, yourself?
Everyone.
Yourself, C.
Do you walk with big steps,
varied steps, little steps?
Big steps!
Little steps.
When meeting new people,
do you introduce yourself,
wait to be introduced,
be silent?
You introduce yourself.
Be silent.
Ugh, why can't I
be the guy who picks A?
Oh,
look at that 'stache!
Okay, Liam, it is... It is the
easiest thing in the world
to entertain a woman.
Honestly, you just
ask her questions about herself.
Get her talking.
Pretend I'm Anastasia, okay?
You're not Anastasia.
You are Liam, I'm Anastasia!
- Comment on my looks.
- You look like my mom.
Well, I'll take that as a compliment.
Do you wanna talk
about my... my smile?
You have a nice smile.
It makes me smile.
Do you wanna say something
about how I smell?
You smell like my mom.
Well, your mom smells good.
Look, Anastasia,
don't you think
it's a little a bit weird
that my mom
is on a date with us?
No, I think that you
have a very cool mother.
Yeah, who has a loser
for a son.
Liam! What are you doing?
Something I should have
done a long time ago.
- Maria.
- Oh, great.
I got your personality
and job match back.
Good news!
You know, some stories
have a sad ending.
This one, I believe,
is a very happy ending.
Massage therapist,
just like I thought.
What's wrong?
Come on in. Sit down.
- It's your father, isn't it?
- No.
- What did your father do?
- Nothing.
It's okay.
Those are tough questions.
It's a girl thing.
It's a girl problem.
I have a problem with a girl.
Oh, it's a girl problem.
See this cup?
This cup is you.
- Okay.
- Sweet, precious, gentle.
It's got a heart.
Do not share your cup
with someone
unless you're ready
to have it smashed.
Now put it back together.
I can't put it
back together.
Hey, kid!
You want some candy?
- Mom? Hey!
- Come on.
I got some good shit in here.
- What are you talking about?
- Come on, kid, get in the car.
You're being weird.
What are you? A pussy?
Pussy, pussy, pussy, PUSSY,
pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy!
All right.
I can't believe you got
in the car so quickly!
- What if I was a pervert?
- What? You're my mom.
- What is that?
- Weed.
Okay, now you're bound
to get pressured into it
at some point,
so let's just try it now
in a safe environment.
Well, where did you--
where did you--
Where did you get this?
Where-- ls this a...
This is a test.
This is a test.
- No. Say "no" to drugs.
- No, no.
No, honey, it's not a test.
This is a-- This is
a supervised first try.
It's called a "hotbox."
You get, like, a little bit
of a better high,
because it's like
you're in a box.
You serious? Yeah, I know.
No, I know the physics of it.
I just don't know the ethics.
Are you...
You shouldn't sm--
Ooh!
It's burny.
It's Bernie Sanders.
Are we gonna get--
Um, are we gonna get
caught or busted or...
No, you're with me and Grandma.
Here, take a hit.
Is it indica or sativa
or ruderalis?
I don't know.
Well, they have
different THC levels.
Well, go ahead and hurry up
and hit it.
I don't wanna get caught.
What do you mean,
get caught?
I thought this was...
I thought it was prescription.
- Grandma?
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, it's legal for her.
- But not for us?
Technically... Technically, no.
-- Oh, my God!
He scared me.
Hide that. Hide the joint!
Hide the joint!
- Hey, hi.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Principal Kelly!
Wow! It definitely smells
like marijuana in here.
Yeah, Grandma's arthritis
is a real knock-out.
- Oh! Hi, Grandma!
-lt's Grandma.
Yeah. Look, I'm no
disciplinarian, okay?
- Thank God!
- I just play one for work.
- So, I'm fun a guy.
- Yeah.
Um, listen, I wanna just...
We got disconnected before
and I would just love
to cook you kebabs
at my place.
It's a great view,
if you're into that.
Um, maybe some wine,
if you like.
Maybe a mutually-
agreed-upon kiss,
if you are into that.
Okay. No. Um, look,
I-- I should be clear.
I have very strict rules
about not hooking up
with teachers
at my school. Right.
- But anyone outside ofschoolofageis".
- Mm-hmm.
...fair game, and you're
your own school,
so you're fair game.
I sort of have a rule
about dating my son's...
My son's...
My son's principals.
- So...
- Yeah.
You guys drive safe. Okay.
Bye!
- Holy buckets.
- Holy buckets is right.
That was totally cookadoo.
But I think he didn't know
we were high.
- Oh, my God!
- What?
That's her.
That's Anastasia.
- The girl with the limp?
- Yeah.
- What the heck?
- She's our neighbor?
How have I never
seen her here before?
You are so much more
handsome than that guy.
She's gonna flip out
when she finds out
you're on
the badminton team.
- No.
- Do you wanna smoke any more?
- No.
- No, thank you.
I'm pretty high now.
Oh, crap. It says,
"Do not drive or operate
any heavy machinery." Oops!
All right, mate?
Good night, penis breath.
Oh, I'm such a loser.
Maria, you got no shot.
Okay. Girls, they just...
They just date dicks.
Love guys who
treat 'em like dicks,
and girls just love dicks.
Then I'm gonna be
Anastasia's dick.
Well, then you gotta make
a bold dick move, man.
- You know, show her you can compete.
- Yeah.
- Girls love that shit.
- Yeah.
Yeah. Wait...
Uh, you mean like kiss her?
- Well, did she try to kiss you?
- No.
- Mmm. Did you see her bobos?
- No.
- Have you ever seen bobos, Liam?
- Yes.
- You're full of shit.
- No, I have!
- Hey.
- Hey-
- I'm gonna go to bed.
- Okay.
- Good night.
- Good night.
That's absolutely
disgusting,
but hot at the same time.
You know, your mom
is really hot.
Like she could be your sister.
God, I'd play
all 18 holes of that.
Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, what's their problem?
- Holy fuck!
- What? What?
Uh, Maria Sanchez is dead.
The day Maria died...
was the best day
of my life.
Suddenly everyone treated me
like I had died,
but I never felt more alive.
Hey.
I'm a total dick.
Do you know I never said
a single word to Maria,
but now I kinda feel like
because of you
I get the chance to change that.
God! I love you, Maria Sanchez.
I'm s-- sorry, Maria.
Most people didn't give
a shit about Maria.
I mean, Aisley sure as hell
wasn't her friend.
I guess it's like nobody
really cares until--
You lose a leg.
Yeah.
Um, I'm gonna be
right back, okay?
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Oh, God, ew!
Bold dick move.
You gotta do it.
You didn't cut him up?
Uh, no, I didn't have the heart.
Hey, you live in
Greenwood Street, right?
Yeah.
One sec. Sorry.
Fire alarm.
My mom and I practiced this at home.
Follow me.
Fire, fire, fire,
fire, fire, fire!
- Rum.
- Rum.
Rum Tum Tugger.
I know. It's rummy.
Mmm.
- Mmm.
- What? ls it skunked?
I think it's gone bad.
I don't think it's bad.
Mmm.
Gross, but the least worst.
Oh, God, honey,
I love you,
but that is
a pussy drink.
- Oh, that's perfect!
- No. No.
Like bad pussy,
like you are the pussy.
So wait, I get... We wanna get
the pussy, not drink the pussy.
I mean, yes,
but what I meant by pussy
in this situation is,
is that it's wimpy. Wimpy.
So drinking a wimpy drink makes
you wimpy and then wimpy...
Wimpy guys don't
get the literal pussy.
If we're gonna
talk anatomy,
-can we talk about balls?
- Sure.
- Balls of steel?
- Mmm-hmm.
I mean,
who came up with that?
My balls are like tiny little
grapes, sensitive, weird.
It's like a metaphor or--
Are there men with
actual balls of steel?
Not afraid.
All right. Have your key
and everything?
Yep, got it all. All ready to go.
Here we go.
Okay. Here we go.
- Ooh! - Oh, man! What was that?
- That's probably a flat tire.
- What?
Yeah. I'll probably just have to
carpool with Anastasia today.
I was... Wait, well, wait. I'll just...
Honey, I'll just change the tire!
Are you sure it's safe to ride
with a peg-legged driver, Li--
Yeah. No, it's gonna be fine.
Whoa!
Huh, almost lost my legs.
I didn't see you
there, Maria.
I got a flat tire.
I've got five bucks for some gas money.
Carpool?
- Yeah, okay.
- Cool.
I love you.
I should let you know
that in a few months,
I'll be leaving
for England.
I'm gonna study
astronomy at Cambridge.
So you should
probably know our time is short.
- Stephen Hawking.
- Okay, thanks.
Yeah. I'm a horoscope
junkie, too.
I read it and then
I will it true.
Don't tell me,
you are a...
I wanna say Libra, but something
in your eyes tells me...
- Virgo.
- Pisces.
Mmm. That's too bad,
I'm a Leo.
- Not compatible.
- Nuts.
Those 14 minutes
in Anastasia's truck
to and fro school
was my life.
Everything else faded away.
Hey, you know, every song,
every good song,
all you pretty much need
are the words
"woman," "love,"
"heartbreak," "beautiful."
You know what?
You're totally right.
And the word "sex"
a few times.
Some guys had
dinner dates, movie dates.
I had the carpool date.
That's cool. My treat.
Thanks.
Did I just see a picture
of a girl in there?
Oh, no, that's nobody.
Liam?
ls that your girlfriend?
Yeah. Yeah, it is. It is.
It's my girlfriend.
Oh!
Score, Liam.
- Yeah.
-ls she hot?
- Oh, man!
- Let me see.
- No, she's just--
- Let me see.
Let me see.
Let me see.
- Isn't that your mom?
- Yes, it is.
So, Mr. Astronomy,
tell me my future.
You're a Leo. I see a lot
of sunshine in your future.
And?
I mean, you want me to tell you
that everything's gonna be fine
and that
anything's possible.
But that's not
really true, is it?
I mean, women have less opportunities
than men. They get paid less.
White men have way
more opportunities.
Mom!
Mom, grab my hand!
Mom? What are you doing
outside the window?
Mom, you're slipping!
I can feel you slipplng!
Mom! Oh!
Like, I mean, you've lost something
that everybody else has, your leg.
- Yeah, I know.
- So you know no fear.
You know anything
is possible
and I think for you,
anything is possible.
I think you're gonna
be an astronaut.
An astronaut?
Wow! That's a lot more than
my daily horoscope said,
all it said was
I was gonna get lucky.
Do you wanna touch it?
- Oh, my God, yes.
- Okay, then touch it.
The cancer started out here
and it was extremely rare,
like three-people rare.
And then all of a sudden,
it was here.
I hate cancer.
And they finally decided
to cut it off here.
- Thatsucks.
- And it's all gone, for now.
And I think that
sometimes--
Yeah, I think sometimes
things happen for a reason
and sometimes I think things
happen that just suck.
And the voice
in my head is like,
"Well, what are
you gonna do now?"
I don't know why my inner
voice is so manly.
But I can still do
everything, you know?
You know, run, swim,
sex.
Earthquake, Maria!
BDC needs a ride today.
- Hey, hottie.
- Hi, cutie.
How much?
I'll do anything for a ten,
more for a 20 though.
- Uh?
- Let's go.
- Hop in, Maria.
- Okay.
Freezing my tits off.
BDC, stop calling him!
Paging Maria
Sanchez to the office, please.
- May I help you?
- Yeah, I'm Maria Sanchez.
No. I'm Maria Sanchez.
And just like that,
Maria was back from the dead.
- Hablas espafiol?
- I mean, I can count to ten.
- Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco--
- Yeah, I get it.
I can read Braille.
But you can see.
Yeah, I can see.
Huh.
Sorry about the confusion.
I guess it must have been
a bad rumor, you know?
It turns out she was
never even sick.
She was on an exchange with
another student from Brazil.
I mean, it was all filed, but
this place is just... Ugh!
It's probably on the old comp.
lfiljustn.
Mmm, nope.
Yeah, so what does
that mean for me?
Not good for you,
but for me, good.
You know, now that you're no
longer an official student here,
I can go on the record that I am
actively pursuing your mother.
And I think my chances
are pretty, pretty good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, that's...
The five-second
rule is a myth.
Five, ten, 100, it doesn't
matter, it's all the same germs.
Some pretty well-executed
data entry.
Yeah, I know. We got an A.
Yeah, you got A's in all
my classes exceptdance.
Really? Someone
said I was lit.
I'm pretty good at square dancing.
So I'm a bit cheesed.
Sorry I'm still alive.
Me, too.
But I understand.
Thanks.
"Anastasia's car, dirty."
Honey, I know you're upset, but I
did tell you that public school
is just an institution
for low expectations.
So I want you to forget about
school, forget about the girl.
It's time to party.
So get dressed.
We're gonna call tonight
your rebound night.
Here.
Everyone's wearing them.
- Cool.
- What did you just say?
Cool.
I feel like I don't
even know who you are anymore.
This is so stupid. I don't
know where to find a party.
Well, come on, let's go closer to the
college. There'll be some there.
I'll keep looking.
I'm sorry.
I'm nervous.
Kind of excited to
let loose a little.
Whoo!
Ah, that was fun.
Come on, Autumn. Try it.
Whoo!
Here, sweetie.
Pussy drink. Take three.
Three for you is a rager,
'cause you're a lightweight.
Be safe. All right?
Mmm.
Oh, it hurts. Mmm. And it
tastes like peaches, sparkly.
So the rule is we will stay one room
away from you guys at all times
and if anyone asks who
invited you, just say Mike,
because everyone has
a friend named Mike.
- I don't.
- Aw.
You do tonight, tiger.
All right. Let's split up.
Go party.
Hey, um, will you keep an
eye on Liam for me, please?
- Of course. And same with Autumn?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
- Definitely.
Hey, why are you
drinking so much?
Uh, I just... I get really
nervous at these social events
and I don't wanna end up in a
corner by myself like usual.
Those days are gonzo.
Totally. Okay. Come on.
We have peppers, we have cheese!
It's nacho time!
How did I not think I would--
Mackenzie?
I am in desperate
need of a beverage
and since you,
Mr. Liam,
are on dry land,
you need to get me one.
Oh, here. Do you want some of this?
It's like warm soup.
Yes. Thank you, Claire!
Are you scared of
the water, land lover?
Oh, I didn't bring
my trunks or anything.
Oh. Well, neither did we.
- You're taking a long time to get in the
water. -l'm coming as fast as I can.
Whoa!
- Whoo!
- Ooh!
Now it's a party!
Um, did you see Autumn inside?
Yeah, uh, she was
cleaning the sliding doors.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- Liam!
- Mom!
Honey! Where's your shirt?
- Oh...
- You're gonna catch a cold.
I'm gonna make you
some hot tea, okay?
No, Mom. I'm okay, really.
How can you be having fun if
you're cold and soaking wet?
Mom, I was thinking about
maybe staying for the party.
Okay, we can stay for a bit.
No, I was thinking that
maybe you should go.
I get it.
You wanna make out with a
girl, honey, you go for it.
So many pretty ones here.
Okay, honey, bye!
- Bye. I love you.
- I love you.
Autumn, what happened
to your face?
There is red food coloring
in lip balm. I ate it all.
Hold on, okay?
911,
what's your emergency?
Hi, I have a noise complaint.
Hey, Maria.
Thanks for the invite.
What happened?
- You got punched in the face.
- Oh...
I'm such a bad person.
I'm a terrible mom. Autumn is so crazy.
She has no friends.
Look, I finished
my knitting cap.
Oh.
Oh, what am I doing?
Come on. Let's go.
Oh. That's my mom.
- Oh, god.
Mom'?
Liam! Liam Heap!
Liam!
You get in the frigging car
right now! In the car!
Okay. Sorry. Sorry, Mom.
Get in the car!
You get in the car!
Autumn,
get in the back seat!
You get in the back seat!
In the front seat,
Mackenzie!
Autumn, get in
the backseat!
Get in the car!
Slut.
I'm so sorry that I decided that I wanted
to take you to your first college party
and teach you how to get
drunk for the first time.
Everything's a frigging
lesson with you!
"Oh, Liam, this is how
you write a test, Liam."
I don't. You make me
sound like a moron!
"Yeah, Liam,
this is how you party.
"Liam, this is how you drink,
this is how you have fun!"
You made out with Mackenzie!
So what?
She was really nice. What? Would
you rather I made out with you?
- Ugh.
- Hmm? Mom, what?
- Whoa!
- Come on. Show me the ropes, Mom.
You know what? I'm sorry I just
tried to make the best for you.
You're not! You want me
to be better, but I can't.
I'm a loser. I don't even
wanna go to Cambridge.
Oh, you poor,
privileged white male!
No, I wanna go become
a massage therapist!
Don't you dare!
Liam? Liam!
What the hell? Oh, my god!
What are you doing?
- Another lesson, obviously!
- This is my door!
You're out of control!
- Get that stupid shirt--
- Get out! Get out of here!
Sometimes moms... Ow! You little shit!
Liam! Ow!
You are very, very...
Get over here.
Ah!
Did you just spank me?
Yes.
You had it coming.
You know who won the
Pulitzer Prize this year?
- Why?
- You don't. Do you?
Who won the hurdles
in the Olympics?
- Men's or females'?
- You don't know?
Best in
the whole world
and they haven't
affected you once.
No Olympic hurdler's
ever affected anyone.
You know, Grandma's
not good at anything.
She's not good at a thing.
And you told me
that she's affected you
the most out of any person
in your whole life.
I'm the only one
who knows that.
I guess I wanna be
somebody like that.
Huh?
Oh. Hi.
Hey. I'm locked out.
Uh, okay. I'll come
wait with you.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'm not locked out. I just
wanted to see your face.
Oh.
Ouch. Sorry about that.
Yeah. Uh, it's okay.
My mom did some of it.
It's kinda been
one of those nights.
Freezing my tits off.
My nipples are about to
rip through my shirt.
Paughs]
Um, do you wanna...
- Wanna go inside?
- Yeah, sure.
What happened in here?
Oh. Uh... Shh.
We had this big party.
Oh, um...
Speaking of parties, Aisley's
throwing this big, uh, beach party
like a funeral party
for Maria's resurrection.
It's kind of your party, too.
Yeah. Yeah. I like...
I like parties.
Okay.
Hey, Anastasia.
I'm really sorry that I put my name in
your boyfriend's phone number entry.
Good.
You must have some pretty big balls
to pull off a stunt like that.
No, I don't have balls.
I do have balls.
I don't have metaphorical
balls, but I do have testicles.
Right.
Human sex series?
Uh, that's a sex book
my mom gave me.
She's teaching me
to be a badass.
These people look like
they're depressed.
I'm pretty sure
whoever wrote this book
never had actual
enjoyable sex before.
Yeah.
What would that
even look like?
Uh, something like this.
Ah!
Why? What would... What would
your sex face look like?
Oh, wow.
I think
maybe the book's right.
Is there anything your
mom doesn't teach you?
No. No.
No, she's really thorough.
She's pretty much
my best friend.
Did your mom teach you
how to do that?
No.
No. I usually
practice on my hand.
That was way better. That was way better.
Oh, wow.
Wow. That was pretty great.
I think I'm gonna pass out.
Oh.
Does this mean
we're together now?
No, Liam,
we're just friends.
Oh.
Wow, my first girlfriend
and breakup in 30 seconds.
Friends who kissed.
- Hmm.
- Twice.
Oh.
Some days, yeah,
you're the guy who picks A.
Here we are again.
My last day at public school.
You can begin...
now.
- Here we are.
- Here we are again.
Now the bell's
gonna ring soon.
Good to know.
Um, listen, I...
I'm sorry I didn't
get back to you.
I just, you know, I...
You are Liam's principal
-and it felt-- - Yeah. No, I...
No, I know, I know.
- No, just hold on one second. Just...
- It felt...
- It felt inappropriate, could be
the word... - Just wait for it.
-...because I... I...
- And...
- You know your bells. flaughs]
- Oh, yeah, well...
That bell means
it's officially summer,
which means I'm no longer
you son's principal.
- Oh!
- Hmm.
Still 53 minutes left.
Wanna check anything over?
Nope.
Cocksucker.
Wow, did you plan
that out?
Actually, I did. Yeah.
Uh, I saw you come in and I got
the secretary to ring the bell.
It's 1:15. These kids
are confused. In get!
The class is still going.
Guys! Guys!
Class is still in.
That was a mistake.
Martin. Martin? Martin?
Put your... Martin!
Putyourphone back in your
pocket and get back into class.
Go ahead. Open it.
You already opened it.
You double-aced it.
- I know.
- Oh!
I can't wait to visit my little baby
in Cambridge. Sorry, little man.
Why are you all dressed up? Are you going
out with that principal man again?
No. Slash yes.
What do you think when
I say the word "Trojan"?
None of your business.
But do you really
wanna know?
No. No.
- Yahoo!
- lt's beautiful!
- Honey.
- Mmm.
Try putting a hot dog stand
right next to a gym
or an ice cream shop
next to a health food store.
You see the key is to combine
torture with pleasure.
You know, I always
wanted a sister,
but the only thing I got was Maria
here and I mean, he's terrible.
You guys wanna make out?
-L'm game.
-l'm game.
Game.
A little more of that.
Some days, you don't end
up with the one-legged girl.
You know why they first started
calling evening "evening"?
No. No, I don't.
Because it's the day
evening out with the night.
Hmm.
Not quite day,
not quite night.
Right.
So the in-between time?
- Yeah, interesting, right?
- Yeah, very interesting.
Yeah, I never
thought of it that way.
Hey, you know, I really liked the
choices that you made for your classes,
especially cultural club. You know,
I got kicked out of that one.
Uh, yeah. I saw.
- L'm white.
- I noticed, yeah.
I really liked
being Maria Sanchez.
Yeah, I like
being Maria, too.
I wonder what
it's like being you.
Hi, I'm Liam Heap.
Hi, Liam Heap.
Maria Sanchez.
Well, it's nice to meet you.
Some days,
you aren't Maria.
- You got everything?
- Yes. Yes.
Stop asking.
All right!
I got you one last thing.
What?
- To make some friends.
- No.
That's awesome.
All right, put your seatbelt on.
Let's get out of here.
Some days,
you end up with your mom.
I miss you already.
I miss you, too.
Hello, everyone.
Welcome to space.
Whoo!
Gary McKeniz.
Hmm. Emma Mitchell.
- Lucy Quine.
- Here.
Maria Sanchez.
Maria Sanchez?
Here. Sorry.
Jennifer Stewart.
Baker, Tom.
Hi,
And some days,
you just...
I like to think about the
beginning of the universe a lot.
A lot, a lot.
About how there's
ten trillion galaxies,
more stars than grains
of sand on the Earth,
how it's been around for 13.82
billion years, give or take.
So why does this stupid
little moment feel so big?
It's so small.
My first day
at public school.
That's my mom
holding my hand.
Are you sure we should
be holding hands?
- Yeah, yeah, obviously.
- Don't be nervous.
Let's go in. I'm freezing
my tits off out here.
Okay.
Big freaking exam day.
I don't know this yet,
but walking through those doors
is gonna change my life forever,
like some supernova
explosion of love.
Wait. Oh, that's a
really pretty image.
Rewind.
Let's go to
the beginning of me.
Hey, Liam.
Hey. Liam?
Okay, what are your obstacles
for tomorrow's exam? Go.
Uh, sometimes I get lazy with my
handwriting and my Y's look like J's.
- Yes.
- I can do better. I can do better.
Mom, uh...
And I get nervous sweats.
Go to Cambridge,
study with Stephen Hawking,
become the second-most famous
astronomer of all time.
Honey, I think you can
become most famous.
I mean, it's Stephen
Hawking, come on.
Hot hint for today's
practice exam,
it's just a practice.
But tomorrow, not too
much water pre-exam.
- Why not?
- Too many bathroom breaks.
- Right.
- Okay.
Batter up. Ready?
I'm already
a little bit excited.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, look, I'm sweating.
- Really?
- Looks like excite sweat.
- That's fun.
- You wanna feel it?
Yeah.
Ew! Okay.
All right. Ready?
You may begin... now.
Oh, nuts!
- Can I sharpen my pencil?
- Yes.
We should get you
a good mechanical pencil.
- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Let's celebrate!
- Okay.
Wiggles]
- I am.
What do you mean?
-L'm celebrating.
- When?
- Right now.
- Now?
- Right now.
- You're celebrating right now?
Yep.
Well, we can really celebrate
at prom tomorrow night.
Are you excited?
We can really cut loose.
Yeah, I was thinking of maybe
just doing some silent reading.
Liam!
When you graduate,
you have to have a prom.
It's a rite of passage.
Who did you invite?
YOU?
Well, of course I'm
gonna be there, sweetie.
- My best friend.
- You know what?
I love you infinity.
Go outside
and play, kiddo.
Okay.
Okay, now remember,
always put down an answer
even if you don't know
the answer.
And start with
the easiest questions first,
and then move on
to the hardest questions,
because that way you'll
leave yourself more time
for the things
you don't know
and you won't stress out
about the things
that you do know,
because you'll
be freaking out about
some of the harder questions.
Liam?
Wow, there are
so many students!
Honey, focus.
- Focus, okay?
- Yeah.
Ugh! I had to
go to this school.
I had to go to this school for
stupid people, but you don't.
You're going to Cambridge,
because you are special
and you're perfect, all right?
Remember that.
Now we put you in layers,
because if it gets cold,
you can put 'em back on.
When you get hot,
you can take 'em off.
Okay, and don't, like,
look all, like, up in the sky
back and forth
like Stevie Wonder
if you don't
know the answer,
because they will nail
your butt for cheating.
They will. Okay?
Now, when you
pass this test,
you are
a high school graduate.
Okay, go! Go get 'em!
What? Oh!
Hi, Autumn.
Hi, Liam.
Meet Autumn.
She runs a not-for-profit
that protests
cruelty to snails.
All this training
for you, my dear.
And you can begin...
now.
Only losers
get 97 fricking percent.
I've been here all morning.
Autumn insisted
that we come early.
Gross.
You know, Autumn's
been requesting
we do a unit
on Bolivian weaving.
- Hmm.
- She can't get enough of it. Get this.
She made a traditional
Bolivian flat-knot for me.
I've been using it
as a phone case.
Liam is
obsessed with black holes.
- I love it when you do that.
- Thank you.
Do you want me
to talk dirty?
Yes.
Looks like we're gonna need
a new trophy case, huh?
These aren't trophies.
They're just awards
for participation.
We have a very high
rate of participation.
It's Dumbo. Participation's
mandatory, not award-worthy.
Well, at this school,
it's award-worthy, you know.
I'm the principal.
- Okay.
- That's nice.
Normally that
impresses people.
My name's on this one.
It's a participation award
for the debate club.
Oh, yeah. There you go.
Yeah. Hey, congrats.
Thanks. I got pregnant
on that field trip.
That's quite a bit
of participation.
I have a son.
I home-school him.
Home-school kids.
- Normally that impresses people.
- Yeah.
Well, hey,
next time you're here,
we'll setup an appointment and
we'll talk curriculum. Yeah?
Okay, great. We'll probably
never be here again, though.
- Okay.
- Ugh!
That was the closest
I've been to sex in a while.
Me, too.
You know, the kids here
are getting way more than me,
like circle-jerk
parties at 13!
Yeah. That's why I'm going
with Liam to Cambridge,
to protect him
from getting derailed.
Autumn's not getting
derailed without me.
No one's having sex
with those kids but us.
Around.
- Yes.
- Or nearby at least.
'Etimer b e8 was! ps1
Fifty-three minutes left.
Good Job, Liam.
Pat on the back.
What? All done?
It's impossible.
Apparently it is not.
Uh, you should know that
someone wrote on the desk
with permanent marker,
"You're a dirty cocksucker."
I'm not
a dirty cocksucker.
It wasn't me.
The light from
the Quanta 6 supernova
is probably hitting
Earth right now.
Wow! Crazy!
Can I get my test back?
- Yeah, what's your name?
-lt's Liam Heap.
It's right there.
It's the only one there.
Right.
You're the kid that called me
"the dirty cocksucker."
That wasn't me.
Somebody wrote it on the desk.
You kids start
these nasty rumors
about me and Tony,
the Phys. Ed. teacher,
because you see me and Tony
hanging at lunch, shooting hoops?
Well, all right, yeah.
I had been with a man,
and it was Tony.
But I'm... I'm not
a dirty cocksucker.
Can I just have
my test back, please?
Okay.
You double-aced it, right?
I mean, you did, right?
You did. I can tell.
Ooh! It's written all over
your superb little face.
I almost think
we should get ice cream.
Almost.
You know what else
I was thinking?
I was thinking today...
um, I'm gonna go
to Cambridge with you.
I mean, why not?
You're gonna be there
all by yourself. Right?
Right?
Oh, well, it's locked
and zippered.
Well, let's just...
Oh, wait.
Hold on one second.
I have the key!
So I will...
Oh, wow! It is not
budging the vault.
I see.
It's the wrong key, Mom.
Cambridge. Oh, God!
University life.
Hey, you got any
hotties coming in?
No, I don't have
any girlfriends here.
Hey, what's that?
My friend book.
It's like online,
but not online.
As you can see, the top two
spaces are solidly filled,
but the third
is up for grabs.
If you're interested,
I can put you down.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
put me down there.
That list should fill up
and go viral.
Okay. I would really
like to cut in.
All right, he's all yours.
- Okay.
- Thanks.
Come here, you.
- This is nice.
- Yeah.
I feel like
a pretty cool kid.
You are such a cool kid.
I hope this is a long song,
'cause Grandma
is chomping at the bit
to dance with you.
You look like
a real man today, Liam.
What?
Good night!
Good night, Mom!
- Go ahead, open it.
- You already did.
Read it.
- Do you know what that means?
- That you opened it?
What else?
That I didn't
graduate high school?
No. You failed!
You failed home-school!
You failed us!
Look, I can take the test
again in four months.
There must be some kind of error.
6% in physics?
Physics, Liam.
You own physics!
Technically,
I don't own physics.
Technically,
physics owns me.
How can you get 6%?
- I caved.
- Caved how?
Under intense
high school pressures.
Bull crap!
You know this stuff.
This is why you've been such
a hush-hush bug. What...
What is it?
- Those questions were hard.
- Bull crap!
And plus, females.
I got all frightened,
and tingly, and--
Whoa.
Hold the telephone.
You're rebelling.
That's what this is.
Oh, my God! I can't...
I can't even look at your face.
You're rebelling so much.
I can't.
- Mom.
- No.
- Mom, look at me.
- No.
- Mom, look at my face.
- No! No!
Look. Mom! I saw some things
that I have never seen before.
I think I need
to fess up here.
Yeah.
I was thinking that maybe
I might make the decision
that it's kinda time for me
to maybe go to public school.
Public school?
Are you trying to kill me?
Liam, I have taught you
more in days
than they could
teach you in years!
Public school?
- Mom, I don't know what to say.
- Baloney!
What 12-year-old boy
teaches blind kids to read
Braille in Cambodia?
You are a man
of the world!
Baby, I don't get it.
Can you just give me...
Give me ten reasons!
I'm sorry.
Now I just wanna
be clear right off the bat.
This is school, right?
We're not just sitting
around the house
learning about pirates
and making volcanoes.
This school is serious.
As in serious gangs
and serious drugs. Yeah.
Sometimes I don't even
wanna walk down the halls.
Some of these guys
are packing heat.
I mean, take for example,
Maria Sanchez. She's...
Yeah, just like you,
straight A's, sweet kid.
But unfortunately,
she just took a leave.
- Because of the drugs?
- No.
She's got a lung thing.
Or no, it's a...
It's a brain thing.
It's one or the other.
It's... I've got it here.
I got it here somewhere.
What's happening?
What's that?
I don't...
Okay, I don't...
You know,
it's a zoo here, okay?
We've got
over 2,000 students.
Right. Well, we tried.
Let's go.
What if I took
the sick girl's spot?
What are you getting at, kid?
Well, if Maria Sanchez is sick,
then I can take her seat,
her classes,
I can do her homework.
I mean,
you have a free space
to experience high school
for one week.
That would save me
a lot of paperwork.
You can't really do that, though.
Can you?
Yeah. No. I mean,
I can do anything
with a memo. Just...
Yeah,
Liam can slide right
into Maria's slot
and take-- take her place
from the...
Um, let's see.
Yeah, go to her classes, sit at
her desk, do her assignments.
This is her class.
That's her class schedule.
And you're gonna need this.
This is her ID.
Modern dance and Phys. Ed.
ls that necessary?
Yeah. Maria Sanchez is
one of our top learners.
This looks like a community
center schedule,
or some kind of assisted
living center schedule.
A little independence.
It's good for you.
This is so hard.
I know.
- Do you have your key?
- Yeah.
- Okay. And your cell?
- Oh, yeah. It's...
Okay.
Right, one last hug.
Okay, final hug. Go.
Okay, hug break.
We're stuck together,
you and me.
- Yeah, forever.
- Forever.
- Well, not forever.
- No, forever.
-Okay.
-Okay.
Okay!
Hey.
- Who're you?
- Hello.
My name's Liam Heap.
I'm here for a week
to win over
the one-legged girl.
And I'm filling in
for Maria Sanchez.
This is her locker?
Yeah, Maria is
my locker buddy,
and you're not
getting the combo.
See, I got
my trophies in there.
Okay, you may
not recognize me,
but I am
the reigning champ
at the Cherry Rock High
Halloween Contest,
four years in a row.
Four years.
I got last year,
the year before that,
the year before that,
and the year before that.
You know
what I'm saying?
That means that
I am the bar.
Yeah.
You like Rigoberto Bianco?
Yeah, is he a wizard or...
No, no. He's like a... He's
like a Spanish Michael Bolton.
Look, I'm here
on a mission.
Right, the one-legged
wonder girl.
I swear, there's a new guy in here
every term chasing after her.
You know, she never told anybody
what happened to her leg.
She saves that.
It's legend.
Anyway, just to be clear...
we're not gonna be friends.
I got enough friends.
Right.
- Corey.
- Here.
- Stephanie.
- Present.
Justine.
Wow! Same class.
Looking at her was like looking
at Arp 273, the rose of galaxies.
Anastasia.
- Rider.
- Anastasia.
- George.
- Present.
Maria.
Maria Sanchez.
Oh, uh, here.
Can I help you, Mr. Teacher?
Maria's five-second
rule experiment.
I expect it
at the end of the term.
No, um, actually,
I'm not Maria Sanchez.
I'm just here for a week.
I'm home-schooled.
Aren't we all?
- Sarah.
- Here.
Harry.
No.
- No.
- Honey?
Not in a classroom.
- It's my mom.
- Liam, are you there?
Hola, mi nombre
es Maria Sanchez.
No,
I'm Maria Sanchez.
She has, like, a lung or a brain thing.
It's pretty bad.
J"Ah
J"Ah
on!
Hi, penis breath.
Where's Maria?
Oh, she's sick with a lung
and a brain thing.
It's at... My name is actually
not "penis breath," it's Liam.
I'm BDC.
- BDC?
- Brian Denis Chad.
That's like three
first names, sort of.
No. That's a first,
middle, and last.
Yeah, in that...
In your case, yeah.
Earthquake, Maria!
Good.
Hello!
Liam, hello. Honey, is
everything all right?
Liam? Hello?
Hey, Mom. No, it's fine.
It was a wrong number. Sorry,
I didn't mean to call you.
Oh. Okay,
I love you, sweetie.
I love you, too. Bye.
You're an even bigger
nerd than me.
Oh, yeah, I just figured
I'd warm my pants up. Toasty.
Oh, I forget to tell you
BDC is an asshole.
Yeah,
I figured that out.
So, what? Everybody
calls me "Maria" now?
It's caught on pretty fast.
I mean, your name's Maria now.
It's pretty. Work with it.
Hey, new kid on the block.
- She has a limp?
- Yeah.
A real irregular gait.
Not weird, just irregular,
like she puts all of her
movement onto her strongest leg.
Kinda like one of those gimpy
dogs that has all that courage.
Liam, are you sure
that this girl is real?
She kinda reminds me of a
cyborg, but she's very real.
- Did she say anything else to you?
- Yeah, I told you.
She looked at me and then
she smiled like this.
And then she said,
"Ooh, hello there, you."
- I think she likes you.
- Whoa!
Okay, uh,
wow, wow, wow, wow, wow,
wow, wow, wow, wow, wow!
Uh, I don't know.
That's... Mmm, okay.
I knew this would happen.
I mean, if I'd had a girl,
she would stay with me forever,
like, even after
she got married.
But a guy like you, meet a girl
and then you're gone.
- What? That's not true.
- Yeah, it is true.
Grandma warned me it was gonna
happen, and she was right.
Grandma, that's not true.
Mom, you're my best friend.
I love you infinity.
- That's a long time.
- Yeah, it's the most.
It wasn't
until the next day
that I realized in that one
minute between 1:44 and 1:45,
right near the southwest
handicapped bathroom,
we would pass each other.
Hi!
Every day.
Hello.
Hey!
Hey!
Whoo!
Are you... Can I ask?
- Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
- We haven't really talked about this.
I just feel like you're
moving so fast already.
Are you thinking about
sleeping with her?
Oh, Mom! I mean,
Grandma's right here.
She's eating.
She's not listening.
- Grandma, you want a fire truck?
- Yes, dear.
Okay, so, are you
thinking of sex?
Yes, honey.
- No, Mom, I'm talking to Liam.
- I mean, no.
No, I mean, I was sort of
thinking about touching her leg,
touching her leg at school is
sort of like a legend, so...
Liam, I'm not stupid.
No one celebrates virginity.
I mean, we should.
- High five!
- Right?
Yeah! Now, I know I'm a mom,
but I know you boys
think about it,
I change your sheets, and I know the
pressure you put on yourselves,
but listen, I mean,
you guys have gone so far
already that I think, you know,
I think she might be...
-a bit of a whore.
- Whoa!
- I mean, I hate
that I had to say that.
You know, I think maybe I should
eat lunch in the cafeteria.
So you can have lunch
with the one-legged girl?
Well, it just doesn't seem
like a lot of other moms
are here with
their kids at school.
That cafeteria serves
homeless-person food.
I'm adding years
to your life here.
Well, I just feel like maybe I should
eat lunch with the other students.
If you were having lunch with
a guy, I'd be fine with that.
You'd be fine if your mom
was dude-dating?
Yeah, yeah, I would.
I mean, if he was
a nice gentleman.
- Okay, but-- - I'm not
allowed to have sugar.
No, you can have sugar.
I don't care. Makes you
grumpy-pants, but... Whatever.
Okay. Well, I'm gonna stealth out of the
car and you're not gonna be able to see me
'cause I'm gonna be
so stealthy. Ninja.
Liam, you left the door open!
God damn it!
Ugh! Dang it!
Ugh!
Oh! Hey, Maria.
I actually just
called you last night
and I got some Spanish
Antonio Banderas guy.
- Is that your dad?
- No, that's probably Maria's number.
- Oh, yeah! Right. I didn't--
- Spanish, yeah.
I don't speak Spanish,
so I didn't...
Didn't occur to me, yeah.
Oh! Uh, shoot, I better go.
I have to say hi to a girl.
Yeah, me, too. Oh, hey!
One second.
I actually
do need your number,
your mother's number.
Oh, okay.
Oh, okay, now,
I can call this nu...
I can speak to your...
- To your... Your dad?
- Nope, just my mom.
Fuck yeah! Okay. Yeah,
it's just procedural stuff.
I figured out
that at 1:58 p.m.,
if I cut through the gym
to the east hall,
I would pass her again,
get one more hello.
Oh, hey! Deja vu.
- Hey!
- Hey!
Hey!
You ready to go home, bucko?
Actually,
I have badminton practice.
Badminton? What? But you've done the week.
We said one week.
Yeah, the badminton team
needs me.
Sanchez. Bad.
So I'm just gonna
go practice after
and then maybe just
a few more months of school.
A few more months?
Are you joking?
I just maybe feel
like I needed to adjust,
and then I'll rewrite the exam
and I'll double-ace it,
and I'll go to Cambridge and
I'll study with Stephen Hawking.
It's just a little bit of
badminton at school. It's fine.
Jump in the car
and we'll talk.
Well, I have to practice
right now, like right now.
But the... It's fish Friday!
- It is?
- Well, it's Friday.
- Well, what kinda fish?
- Rainbow trout.
No, I... Sorry,
I gotta go to badminton.
Sorry, Mom. I love you.
Bye, save some for me.
What are you doing here?
Badminton. You?
Badminton.
Where'd you get that?
- Over there.
-lt's game.
- When... What?
-lt's game.
- What do you mean?
-lt's lingo.
- Lingo for the game?
- No, lingo for the racket.
The racket is game.
Who are they?
They're the angels of death.
- Liam?
- No, this is Mr. Kelly, the principal.
Uh, Listen,
I know your boy, Maria--
Liam. His name is Liam.
ls he okay?
Right. Yeah, of course,
he goes by Liam at home.
Yeah, no, he's fine,
he's okay.
Uh, like, I understand him staying on.
You know, off the record, um,
I'm single, and, you know, I remember
the other week you came by and you,
uh, over by the trophy case,
you were asking me
if I was impressed
with your homeschooling
and I just wanted to say,
"Yeah, I am."
What?
lam. Hello?
- Is that...
- Uh!
Uh...
Mmm-mmm... Hmm...
Mmm, mmm, mmm...
Oh!
Maria, I swear to God.
Come on!
- Nice game, Maria.
- Hit the showers, boys.
Yeah, right.
I shower alone.
Ah! I'm like
the moon or something
slowly moving away
from Mother Earth.
3.87 centimeters
a year, actually.
It's a thing. It really is.
Thanks for the fish.
Yeah, sure.
I love you infinity.
- Hey.
- Okey.
I hear you loud and clear,
and I know why you wanna
stay at school
until the end of the term.
You're rebelling
with a capital R,
and I think it's a good thing, a necessary
thing for our success at Cambridge.
So let's do it now together
and get it out of your
system before university
in a safe and
responsible way, okay?
Do what together?
RebeL
Your rebellion.
I want you to have friends,
teach you your
teenage rebellion.
Just when I think I know you,
you surprise the living
bejesus out of me.
Thank you.
Why is it weird to say
my mom's cool
and she's my best friend?
- It's not weird.
- No, it is.
At school, moms aren't cool.
They should be.
I love you.
Beep boop,
my little robot man.
Oh, beep hoop.
You power down now.
You got work tomorrow.
- Beep boop, mmm.
- You're still buzzing.
Beep hoop, oh!
Okay, brainstorming.
What are outlets
that teens rebel with?
- Liam.
- Swimming after I eat.
I think you could think
a little bit bigger.
- Mmm.
- Liam.
Um, not wearing pants.
Mm, how about
staying out late?
That's good.
With girls.
- Ooh.
- Skipping school.
Ooh. Uh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
Uh, swearing.
Bingo, bango. Yes.
- Getting my nose pierced.
- No way. No way.
That is permanent. Why don't
we start with swearing?
Go ahead. Say the big one.
Dicks.
Why would you say that?
Say the big one.
The "F" one with the...
Fuck.
- What?
- Fuck.
I didn't quite hear you.
- Fuck.
- So weird to hear you say that.
- Okay, say it again.
- Fuck.
- With conviction!
- Fuck!
- Like an afro singer.
- Fuck!
Now point to that book
and say, "Fuck off, book!"
-"Fuck off, book!"
- Yeah, do it again, uh...
- Fuck you, uh, chalkboard.
- Yeah!
Fuck you, chalk.
Fuck you, chair.
Fuck you, table.
Fuck you, highlighters.
Fuck you, pencil,
fuck you, red pens,
fuck you, black pens,
fuck you, blue pens.
- And fuck you--
- No, don't you effing dare.
No, "F" for fail.
Sorry.
I forgive you.
Now that word is also a verb.
Liam, I can see it written
all over your face
and there is no easy
way to do this.
When I say "Trojan,"
what is your first thought?
The ancient city of Troy,
Hector and Achilles,
the Greek and Trojan soldiers
famous for their bravery
in battle and their
seven-layered ox-hide shields.
And sodomy.
So the Trojans are still
very much alive today.
They are living in there.
Think of that as
a one-layer latex shield.
Who would go into battle without one
of those on their penis, right?
- Right, that's a good point.
- Okay, so...
I want you to practice
in here alone in the dark.
I'll be in the kitchen
if you need me.
Oh, hello, Anastasia.
You see, I have
this condom here.
I was wondering if you'd like
to have intercourse with me.
Oh, you would?
Great.
- Mom?
- Yeah.
Eight seconds.
I don't know what
happened, but eventually her...
Hello!
...turned into...
- Hey.
...which then became...
Until finally...
We were a 110%
off each other.
Wow. Crazy.
Oh, frig! Oh, frig!
You look like
you need a hug.
No, no, no, I'm not allowed
to touch the students.
But you definitely look
like you need a hug.
Come with me.
Let's talk about your future.
So what did you say
this was called again?
Astronomy.
Astronomy. Astronomy.
I don't see astronomy in here,
but I do see massage therapy.
Yeah, I was thinking
more astronomy.
Yeah, but you could
get your certificate
in eight months
and you're done.
Okay.
Besides, you look like
a massage therapist.
Do you know how good that is?
You get to touch people.
I can't touch anybody here.
I'm just saying,
you gotta keep your
options open, you know?
You know, a few years ago,
there was a kid who did
a string of B-and-E's.
He got sent to the state pen
for three years.
But he fast-tracked
a sociology degree for free.
I'm not saying that's the
route you need to go,
but something
to think about.
You know, my whole life,
all I've wanted
to do is astronomy.
All right.
Why don't we do this?
Why don't we take
our personality/job test
on the computer,
and see what that says?
Okay.
Hey, that... The guy
who did the B-and-E's
and then went to jail,
uh, what did he become?
At a party, do you interact
with everyone, few, yourself?
Everyone.
Yourself, C.
Do you walk with big steps,
varied steps, little steps?
Big steps!
Little steps.
When meeting new people,
do you introduce yourself,
wait to be introduced,
be silent?
You introduce yourself.
Be silent.
Ugh, why can't I
be the guy who picks A?
Oh,
look at that 'stache!
Okay, Liam, it is... It is the
easiest thing in the world
to entertain a woman.
Honestly, you just
ask her questions about herself.
Get her talking.
Pretend I'm Anastasia, okay?
You're not Anastasia.
You are Liam, I'm Anastasia!
- Comment on my looks.
- You look like my mom.
Well, I'll take that as a compliment.
Do you wanna talk
about my... my smile?
You have a nice smile.
It makes me smile.
Do you wanna say something
about how I smell?
You smell like my mom.
Well, your mom smells good.
Look, Anastasia,
don't you think
it's a little a bit weird
that my mom
is on a date with us?
No, I think that you
have a very cool mother.
Yeah, who has a loser
for a son.
Liam! What are you doing?
Something I should have
done a long time ago.
- Maria.
- Oh, great.
I got your personality
and job match back.
Good news!
You know, some stories
have a sad ending.
This one, I believe,
is a very happy ending.
Massage therapist,
just like I thought.
What's wrong?
Come on in. Sit down.
- It's your father, isn't it?
- No.
- What did your father do?
- Nothing.
It's okay.
Those are tough questions.
It's a girl thing.
It's a girl problem.
I have a problem with a girl.
Oh, it's a girl problem.
See this cup?
This cup is you.
- Okay.
- Sweet, precious, gentle.
It's got a heart.
Do not share your cup
with someone
unless you're ready
to have it smashed.
Now put it back together.
I can't put it
back together.
Hey, kid!
You want some candy?
- Mom? Hey!
- Come on.
I got some good shit in here.
- What are you talking about?
- Come on, kid, get in the car.
You're being weird.
What are you? A pussy?
Pussy, pussy, pussy, PUSSY,
pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy!
All right.
I can't believe you got
in the car so quickly!
- What if I was a pervert?
- What? You're my mom.
- What is that?
- Weed.
Okay, now you're bound
to get pressured into it
at some point,
so let's just try it now
in a safe environment.
Well, where did you--
where did you--
Where did you get this?
Where-- ls this a...
This is a test.
This is a test.
- No. Say "no" to drugs.
- No, no.
No, honey, it's not a test.
This is a-- This is
a supervised first try.
It's called a "hotbox."
You get, like, a little bit
of a better high,
because it's like
you're in a box.
You serious? Yeah, I know.
No, I know the physics of it.
I just don't know the ethics.
Are you...
You shouldn't sm--
Ooh!
It's burny.
It's Bernie Sanders.
Are we gonna get--
Um, are we gonna get
caught or busted or...
No, you're with me and Grandma.
Here, take a hit.
Is it indica or sativa
or ruderalis?
I don't know.
Well, they have
different THC levels.
Well, go ahead and hurry up
and hit it.
I don't wanna get caught.
What do you mean,
get caught?
I thought this was...
I thought it was prescription.
- Grandma?
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, it's legal for her.
- But not for us?
Technically... Technically, no.
-- Oh, my God!
He scared me.
Hide that. Hide the joint!
Hide the joint!
- Hey, hi.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Principal Kelly!
Wow! It definitely smells
like marijuana in here.
Yeah, Grandma's arthritis
is a real knock-out.
- Oh! Hi, Grandma!
-lt's Grandma.
Yeah. Look, I'm no
disciplinarian, okay?
- Thank God!
- I just play one for work.
- So, I'm fun a guy.
- Yeah.
Um, listen, I wanna just...
We got disconnected before
and I would just love
to cook you kebabs
at my place.
It's a great view,
if you're into that.
Um, maybe some wine,
if you like.
Maybe a mutually-
agreed-upon kiss,
if you are into that.
Okay. No. Um, look,
I-- I should be clear.
I have very strict rules
about not hooking up
with teachers
at my school. Right.
- But anyone outside ofschoolofageis".
- Mm-hmm.
...fair game, and you're
your own school,
so you're fair game.
I sort of have a rule
about dating my son's...
My son's...
My son's principals.
- So...
- Yeah.
You guys drive safe. Okay.
Bye!
- Holy buckets.
- Holy buckets is right.
That was totally cookadoo.
But I think he didn't know
we were high.
- Oh, my God!
- What?
That's her.
That's Anastasia.
- The girl with the limp?
- Yeah.
- What the heck?
- She's our neighbor?
How have I never
seen her here before?
You are so much more
handsome than that guy.
She's gonna flip out
when she finds out
you're on
the badminton team.
- No.
- Do you wanna smoke any more?
- No.
- No, thank you.
I'm pretty high now.
Oh, crap. It says,
"Do not drive or operate
any heavy machinery." Oops!
All right, mate?
Good night, penis breath.
Oh, I'm such a loser.
Maria, you got no shot.
Okay. Girls, they just...
They just date dicks.
Love guys who
treat 'em like dicks,
and girls just love dicks.
Then I'm gonna be
Anastasia's dick.
Well, then you gotta make
a bold dick move, man.
- You know, show her you can compete.
- Yeah.
- Girls love that shit.
- Yeah.
Yeah. Wait...
Uh, you mean like kiss her?
- Well, did she try to kiss you?
- No.
- Mmm. Did you see her bobos?
- No.
- Have you ever seen bobos, Liam?
- Yes.
- You're full of shit.
- No, I have!
- Hey.
- Hey-
- I'm gonna go to bed.
- Okay.
- Good night.
- Good night.
That's absolutely
disgusting,
but hot at the same time.
You know, your mom
is really hot.
Like she could be your sister.
God, I'd play
all 18 holes of that.
Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, what's their problem?
- Holy fuck!
- What? What?
Uh, Maria Sanchez is dead.
The day Maria died...
was the best day
of my life.
Suddenly everyone treated me
like I had died,
but I never felt more alive.
Hey.
I'm a total dick.
Do you know I never said
a single word to Maria,
but now I kinda feel like
because of you
I get the chance to change that.
God! I love you, Maria Sanchez.
I'm s-- sorry, Maria.
Most people didn't give
a shit about Maria.
I mean, Aisley sure as hell
wasn't her friend.
I guess it's like nobody
really cares until--
You lose a leg.
Yeah.
Um, I'm gonna be
right back, okay?
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Oh, God, ew!
Bold dick move.
You gotta do it.
You didn't cut him up?
Uh, no, I didn't have the heart.
Hey, you live in
Greenwood Street, right?
Yeah.
One sec. Sorry.
Fire alarm.
My mom and I practiced this at home.
Follow me.
Fire, fire, fire,
fire, fire, fire!
- Rum.
- Rum.
Rum Tum Tugger.
I know. It's rummy.
Mmm.
- Mmm.
- What? ls it skunked?
I think it's gone bad.
I don't think it's bad.
Mmm.
Gross, but the least worst.
Oh, God, honey,
I love you,
but that is
a pussy drink.
- Oh, that's perfect!
- No. No.
Like bad pussy,
like you are the pussy.
So wait, I get... We wanna get
the pussy, not drink the pussy.
I mean, yes,
but what I meant by pussy
in this situation is,
is that it's wimpy. Wimpy.
So drinking a wimpy drink makes
you wimpy and then wimpy...
Wimpy guys don't
get the literal pussy.
If we're gonna
talk anatomy,
-can we talk about balls?
- Sure.
- Balls of steel?
- Mmm-hmm.
I mean,
who came up with that?
My balls are like tiny little
grapes, sensitive, weird.
It's like a metaphor or--
Are there men with
actual balls of steel?
Not afraid.
All right. Have your key
and everything?
Yep, got it all. All ready to go.
Here we go.
Okay. Here we go.
- Ooh! - Oh, man! What was that?
- That's probably a flat tire.
- What?
Yeah. I'll probably just have to
carpool with Anastasia today.
I was... Wait, well, wait. I'll just...
Honey, I'll just change the tire!
Are you sure it's safe to ride
with a peg-legged driver, Li--
Yeah. No, it's gonna be fine.
Whoa!
Huh, almost lost my legs.
I didn't see you
there, Maria.
I got a flat tire.
I've got five bucks for some gas money.
Carpool?
- Yeah, okay.
- Cool.
I love you.
I should let you know
that in a few months,
I'll be leaving
for England.
I'm gonna study
astronomy at Cambridge.
So you should
probably know our time is short.
- Stephen Hawking.
- Okay, thanks.
Yeah. I'm a horoscope
junkie, too.
I read it and then
I will it true.
Don't tell me,
you are a...
I wanna say Libra, but something
in your eyes tells me...
- Virgo.
- Pisces.
Mmm. That's too bad,
I'm a Leo.
- Not compatible.
- Nuts.
Those 14 minutes
in Anastasia's truck
to and fro school
was my life.
Everything else faded away.
Hey, you know, every song,
every good song,
all you pretty much need
are the words
"woman," "love,"
"heartbreak," "beautiful."
You know what?
You're totally right.
And the word "sex"
a few times.
Some guys had
dinner dates, movie dates.
I had the carpool date.
That's cool. My treat.
Thanks.
Did I just see a picture
of a girl in there?
Oh, no, that's nobody.
Liam?
ls that your girlfriend?
Yeah. Yeah, it is. It is.
It's my girlfriend.
Oh!
Score, Liam.
- Yeah.
-ls she hot?
- Oh, man!
- Let me see.
- No, she's just--
- Let me see.
Let me see.
Let me see.
- Isn't that your mom?
- Yes, it is.
So, Mr. Astronomy,
tell me my future.
You're a Leo. I see a lot
of sunshine in your future.
And?
I mean, you want me to tell you
that everything's gonna be fine
and that
anything's possible.
But that's not
really true, is it?
I mean, women have less opportunities
than men. They get paid less.
White men have way
more opportunities.
Mom!
Mom, grab my hand!
Mom? What are you doing
outside the window?
Mom, you're slipping!
I can feel you slipplng!
Mom! Oh!
Like, I mean, you've lost something
that everybody else has, your leg.
- Yeah, I know.
- So you know no fear.
You know anything
is possible
and I think for you,
anything is possible.
I think you're gonna
be an astronaut.
An astronaut?
Wow! That's a lot more than
my daily horoscope said,
all it said was
I was gonna get lucky.
Do you wanna touch it?
- Oh, my God, yes.
- Okay, then touch it.
The cancer started out here
and it was extremely rare,
like three-people rare.
And then all of a sudden,
it was here.
I hate cancer.
And they finally decided
to cut it off here.
- Thatsucks.
- And it's all gone, for now.
And I think that
sometimes--
Yeah, I think sometimes
things happen for a reason
and sometimes I think things
happen that just suck.
And the voice
in my head is like,
"Well, what are
you gonna do now?"
I don't know why my inner
voice is so manly.
But I can still do
everything, you know?
You know, run, swim,
sex.
Earthquake, Maria!
BDC needs a ride today.
- Hey, hottie.
- Hi, cutie.
How much?
I'll do anything for a ten,
more for a 20 though.
- Uh?
- Let's go.
- Hop in, Maria.
- Okay.
Freezing my tits off.
BDC, stop calling him!
Paging Maria
Sanchez to the office, please.
- May I help you?
- Yeah, I'm Maria Sanchez.
No. I'm Maria Sanchez.
And just like that,
Maria was back from the dead.
- Hablas espafiol?
- I mean, I can count to ten.
- Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco--
- Yeah, I get it.
I can read Braille.
But you can see.
Yeah, I can see.
Huh.
Sorry about the confusion.
I guess it must have been
a bad rumor, you know?
It turns out she was
never even sick.
She was on an exchange with
another student from Brazil.
I mean, it was all filed, but
this place is just... Ugh!
It's probably on the old comp.
lfiljustn.
Mmm, nope.
Yeah, so what does
that mean for me?
Not good for you,
but for me, good.
You know, now that you're no
longer an official student here,
I can go on the record that I am
actively pursuing your mother.
And I think my chances
are pretty, pretty good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, that's...
The five-second
rule is a myth.
Five, ten, 100, it doesn't
matter, it's all the same germs.
Some pretty well-executed
data entry.
Yeah, I know. We got an A.
Yeah, you got A's in all
my classes exceptdance.
Really? Someone
said I was lit.
I'm pretty good at square dancing.
So I'm a bit cheesed.
Sorry I'm still alive.
Me, too.
But I understand.
Thanks.
"Anastasia's car, dirty."
Honey, I know you're upset, but I
did tell you that public school
is just an institution
for low expectations.
So I want you to forget about
school, forget about the girl.
It's time to party.
So get dressed.
We're gonna call tonight
your rebound night.
Here.
Everyone's wearing them.
- Cool.
- What did you just say?
Cool.
I feel like I don't
even know who you are anymore.
This is so stupid. I don't
know where to find a party.
Well, come on, let's go closer to the
college. There'll be some there.
I'll keep looking.
I'm sorry.
I'm nervous.
Kind of excited to
let loose a little.
Whoo!
Ah, that was fun.
Come on, Autumn. Try it.
Whoo!
Here, sweetie.
Pussy drink. Take three.
Three for you is a rager,
'cause you're a lightweight.
Be safe. All right?
Mmm.
Oh, it hurts. Mmm. And it
tastes like peaches, sparkly.
So the rule is we will stay one room
away from you guys at all times
and if anyone asks who
invited you, just say Mike,
because everyone has
a friend named Mike.
- I don't.
- Aw.
You do tonight, tiger.
All right. Let's split up.
Go party.
Hey, um, will you keep an
eye on Liam for me, please?
- Of course. And same with Autumn?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
- Definitely.
Hey, why are you
drinking so much?
Uh, I just... I get really
nervous at these social events
and I don't wanna end up in a
corner by myself like usual.
Those days are gonzo.
Totally. Okay. Come on.
We have peppers, we have cheese!
It's nacho time!
How did I not think I would--
Mackenzie?
I am in desperate
need of a beverage
and since you,
Mr. Liam,
are on dry land,
you need to get me one.
Oh, here. Do you want some of this?
It's like warm soup.
Yes. Thank you, Claire!
Are you scared of
the water, land lover?
Oh, I didn't bring
my trunks or anything.
Oh. Well, neither did we.
- You're taking a long time to get in the
water. -l'm coming as fast as I can.
Whoa!
- Whoo!
- Ooh!
Now it's a party!
Um, did you see Autumn inside?
Yeah, uh, she was
cleaning the sliding doors.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- Liam!
- Mom!
Honey! Where's your shirt?
- Oh...
- You're gonna catch a cold.
I'm gonna make you
some hot tea, okay?
No, Mom. I'm okay, really.
How can you be having fun if
you're cold and soaking wet?
Mom, I was thinking about
maybe staying for the party.
Okay, we can stay for a bit.
No, I was thinking that
maybe you should go.
I get it.
You wanna make out with a
girl, honey, you go for it.
So many pretty ones here.
Okay, honey, bye!
- Bye. I love you.
- I love you.
Autumn, what happened
to your face?
There is red food coloring
in lip balm. I ate it all.
Hold on, okay?
911,
what's your emergency?
Hi, I have a noise complaint.
Hey, Maria.
Thanks for the invite.
What happened?
- You got punched in the face.
- Oh...
I'm such a bad person.
I'm a terrible mom. Autumn is so crazy.
She has no friends.
Look, I finished
my knitting cap.
Oh.
Oh, what am I doing?
Come on. Let's go.
Oh. That's my mom.
- Oh, god.
Mom'?
Liam! Liam Heap!
Liam!
You get in the frigging car
right now! In the car!
Okay. Sorry. Sorry, Mom.
Get in the car!
You get in the car!
Autumn,
get in the back seat!
You get in the back seat!
In the front seat,
Mackenzie!
Autumn, get in
the backseat!
Get in the car!
Slut.
I'm so sorry that I decided that I wanted
to take you to your first college party
and teach you how to get
drunk for the first time.
Everything's a frigging
lesson with you!
"Oh, Liam, this is how
you write a test, Liam."
I don't. You make me
sound like a moron!
"Yeah, Liam,
this is how you party.
"Liam, this is how you drink,
this is how you have fun!"
You made out with Mackenzie!
So what?
She was really nice. What? Would
you rather I made out with you?
- Ugh.
- Hmm? Mom, what?
- Whoa!
- Come on. Show me the ropes, Mom.
You know what? I'm sorry I just
tried to make the best for you.
You're not! You want me
to be better, but I can't.
I'm a loser. I don't even
wanna go to Cambridge.
Oh, you poor,
privileged white male!
No, I wanna go become
a massage therapist!
Don't you dare!
Liam? Liam!
What the hell? Oh, my god!
What are you doing?
- Another lesson, obviously!
- This is my door!
You're out of control!
- Get that stupid shirt--
- Get out! Get out of here!
Sometimes moms... Ow! You little shit!
Liam! Ow!
You are very, very...
Get over here.
Ah!
Did you just spank me?
Yes.
You had it coming.
You know who won the
Pulitzer Prize this year?
- Why?
- You don't. Do you?
Who won the hurdles
in the Olympics?
- Men's or females'?
- You don't know?
Best in
the whole world
and they haven't
affected you once.
No Olympic hurdler's
ever affected anyone.
You know, Grandma's
not good at anything.
She's not good at a thing.
And you told me
that she's affected you
the most out of any person
in your whole life.
I'm the only one
who knows that.
I guess I wanna be
somebody like that.
Huh?
Oh. Hi.
Hey. I'm locked out.
Uh, okay. I'll come
wait with you.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'm not locked out. I just
wanted to see your face.
Oh.
Ouch. Sorry about that.
Yeah. Uh, it's okay.
My mom did some of it.
It's kinda been
one of those nights.
Freezing my tits off.
My nipples are about to
rip through my shirt.
Paughs]
Um, do you wanna...
- Wanna go inside?
- Yeah, sure.
What happened in here?
Oh. Uh... Shh.
We had this big party.
Oh, um...
Speaking of parties, Aisley's
throwing this big, uh, beach party
like a funeral party
for Maria's resurrection.
It's kind of your party, too.
Yeah. Yeah. I like...
I like parties.
Okay.
Hey, Anastasia.
I'm really sorry that I put my name in
your boyfriend's phone number entry.
Good.
You must have some pretty big balls
to pull off a stunt like that.
No, I don't have balls.
I do have balls.
I don't have metaphorical
balls, but I do have testicles.
Right.
Human sex series?
Uh, that's a sex book
my mom gave me.
She's teaching me
to be a badass.
These people look like
they're depressed.
I'm pretty sure
whoever wrote this book
never had actual
enjoyable sex before.
Yeah.
What would that
even look like?
Uh, something like this.
Ah!
Why? What would... What would
your sex face look like?
Oh, wow.
I think
maybe the book's right.
Is there anything your
mom doesn't teach you?
No. No.
No, she's really thorough.
She's pretty much
my best friend.
Did your mom teach you
how to do that?
No.
No. I usually
practice on my hand.
That was way better. That was way better.
Oh, wow.
Wow. That was pretty great.
I think I'm gonna pass out.
Oh.
Does this mean
we're together now?
No, Liam,
we're just friends.
Oh.
Wow, my first girlfriend
and breakup in 30 seconds.
Friends who kissed.
- Hmm.
- Twice.
Oh.
Some days, yeah,
you're the guy who picks A.
Here we are again.
My last day at public school.
You can begin...
now.
- Here we are.
- Here we are again.
Now the bell's
gonna ring soon.
Good to know.
Um, listen, I...
I'm sorry I didn't
get back to you.
I just, you know, I...
You are Liam's principal
-and it felt-- - Yeah. No, I...
No, I know, I know.
- No, just hold on one second. Just...
- It felt...
- It felt inappropriate, could be
the word... - Just wait for it.
-...because I... I...
- And...
- You know your bells. flaughs]
- Oh, yeah, well...
That bell means
it's officially summer,
which means I'm no longer
you son's principal.
- Oh!
- Hmm.
Still 53 minutes left.
Wanna check anything over?
Nope.
Cocksucker.
Wow, did you plan
that out?
Actually, I did. Yeah.
Uh, I saw you come in and I got
the secretary to ring the bell.
It's 1:15. These kids
are confused. In get!
The class is still going.
Guys! Guys!
Class is still in.
That was a mistake.
Martin. Martin? Martin?
Put your... Martin!
Putyourphone back in your
pocket and get back into class.
Go ahead. Open it.
You already opened it.
You double-aced it.
- I know.
- Oh!
I can't wait to visit my little baby
in Cambridge. Sorry, little man.
Why are you all dressed up? Are you going
out with that principal man again?
No. Slash yes.
What do you think when
I say the word "Trojan"?
None of your business.
But do you really
wanna know?
No. No.
- Yahoo!
- lt's beautiful!
- Honey.
- Mmm.
Try putting a hot dog stand
right next to a gym
or an ice cream shop
next to a health food store.
You see the key is to combine
torture with pleasure.
You know, I always
wanted a sister,
but the only thing I got was Maria
here and I mean, he's terrible.
You guys wanna make out?
-L'm game.
-l'm game.
Game.
A little more of that.
Some days, you don't end
up with the one-legged girl.
You know why they first started
calling evening "evening"?
No. No, I don't.
Because it's the day
evening out with the night.
Hmm.
Not quite day,
not quite night.
Right.
So the in-between time?
- Yeah, interesting, right?
- Yeah, very interesting.
Yeah, I never
thought of it that way.
Hey, you know, I really liked the
choices that you made for your classes,
especially cultural club. You know,
I got kicked out of that one.
Uh, yeah. I saw.
- L'm white.
- I noticed, yeah.
I really liked
being Maria Sanchez.
Yeah, I like
being Maria, too.
I wonder what
it's like being you.
Hi, I'm Liam Heap.
Hi, Liam Heap.
Maria Sanchez.
Well, it's nice to meet you.
Some days,
you aren't Maria.
- You got everything?
- Yes. Yes.
Stop asking.
All right!
I got you one last thing.
What?
- To make some friends.
- No.
That's awesome.
All right, put your seatbelt on.
Let's get out of here.
Some days,
you end up with your mom.
I miss you already.
I miss you, too.
Hello, everyone.
Welcome to space.
Whoo!
Gary McKeniz.
Hmm. Emma Mitchell.
- Lucy Quine.
- Here.
Maria Sanchez.
Maria Sanchez?
Here. Sorry.
Jennifer Stewart.
Baker, Tom.
Hi,
And some days,
you just...