Adventures of a Pizza Guy (2015) Movie Script

Come on, you coward.
Look at me in the eye
when I'm talking to you.
I don't like
What's taking over
I said look at me.
I'm going to blow
your brains all over the floor.
Take what you have
Hey now you give it a shot.
Come on, man. You can do it.
I can't.
Just feels wrong.
You got to do this.
we're going to be in situations
where you got to do this.
I know.
It's just hard for me.
Alright, Brennan.
You got to get mean
like we are at the gym.
Oh yeah.
What are you doing?
I got to psych myself up.
Yeah, please
Don't wait
Tell him to his face
You don't
Love him no more
It's a good lie
Lord, do whatever
You will like
It's a good lie
Lord, do whatever
You like
OK. No more excuses.
No more
bumbling, fumbling crap.
Today is the day.
Today's the day I--
Of course, she sees me.
Oh no.
She's coming over.
Hey, can I tell you something?
What's up?
You know,
I only really used
your roommate, Frankie,
to get closer to you.
Oh, temptation.
But I cannot.
You see, my heart
belongs to another.
Oh, she's so lucky.
What's up?
What's up?
Well, that went well.
Um, I got your roommate wet.
Thank you.
Why are you on the couch?
Because you're in my
bed with some chick.
Sorry, dude.
How do you do it, man?
You don't want to know.
Can I use your car?
Ah, my back!
Oh, I'm so sore
from sleeping on the couch!
- Keys are in the bowl.
- Thank you.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, baby.
And I won't
Be coming back
Because this life
Is too hard
Like a heart attack
And life's too short
To live like that
Counting our cars
They fade into the sun
As she says,
"Goodbye, I'm gone
And I won't be
Coming back
Because this life...
What up, girls?
How you doing?
Life's too short
to live like that
Ah! I didn't know
it was so big!
No way.
Oh, Starky. We were
just talking about you.
Hey, Ike. You hungry?
- Ooh, touchdown.
- Come on!
Can I help you?
Uh, she order yet?
Are you stupid?
Sometimes she orders early.
It's Thursday.
She orders on Fridays.
Just checking.
You won't be
getting her anyway.
What do you mean?
I mean, you're not getting her.
- Merrick claimed her.
- What?
Hey, don't pout
in my personal space.
Take it up with Merrick.
- Yeah, if you say so.
- No, no, no, no.
Yeah, what? So, what.
Hey, Fing, how are you?
I'm fantastic!
How are you?
- What?
- Bianca said
you wanted her delivery.
Did you take it?
Who delivery?
Yeah, I did.
You got a problem with that?
Usually, I take her.
That's why I took her
because I figured it's my turn.
She doesn't want--!
Oh, I see.
She wants you
to deliver the pizza, huh?
You like this girl, do ya?
What would you
give up for her?
- What do you want?
- Four
Four of yours this week.
That's not really fair, Merrick.
No, it's not fair,
but I'm the boss
and that's
the way it works.
- Fine.
- Right.
on top of that, new guy.
- Geez!
- Don't do that.
All right.
He's going
to shadow you tonight,
and he's going
to shadow you tomorrow.
- Yeah?
- Okay.
And you can deliver your pizza.
- Okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Hey, man. Rudy.
Nice to meet you.
He left me just hanging there.
Go shadow him!
You ever had
a chick answer the door naked?
No. Close, though.
I had this really good-looking
girl answer the door
wearing the tiniest towel,
not even big enough
to cover all the goods
if you know what I mean.
Yeah, man.
That's what I want.
I want that.
You know,
and then she drops the money.
She knows she can't
bend over to pick it up
without you catching something
slip out at either end.
You know,
but you're a gentleman.
You pick it up for her,
and you still get a flash
of her hoo-ha.
You're an ironic gentleman.
Oh, come on.
That was just an example.
- Fing!
- Hey.
Who's your friend?
Oh, this is my--
- Rudy.
- Rudy.
It's so good to see
both of you guys.
Did you hear about the tragedy
at the hospital this weekend?
- No.
- Yeah. I heard about it.
That shit's totally
preventable, guys.
Doesn't need to happen.
So what you got
going on today, Fing?
You got to give
it up, buddy, huh?
It's in you to give.
There's an emergency
blood clinic
just a couple blocks from here.
What time do you want us there?
How about lunchtime?
Okie dokie.
You're a good man, Ike.
Got to protect
the community, huh?
Why didn't you
give him a high five?
I don't know.
He creeps me out a bit.
What? He's like
the nicest guy in the world.
He's pretty weird.
You're weird.
What? This is your ride?
Aw, sick, man!
Oh, I just want to...
Hey, don't-- don't do that!
Don't. Stop.
Stop... Don't do that.
Guard the car.
You're supposed
to be training me.
I don't hear you guarding.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
One large Hawaiian?
Thank God!
It's a war zone in here!
Give me a second,
I can't find my purse.
Tristan, have you
seen my purse?
Don't you mess
with me right now!
Oh, here. Sorry. Come on in.
Yeah. Take your time.
Don't panic.
Oh, little bastards!
Give me my purse!
Get back here, Tristan!
Come here!
Oh, look what you made me do!
Hey, let me get my wallet!
Ugh! Tristan!
No! You're not
getting any-- here.
Ah, will you hold
him for a second?
- I got to find my money.
- Uh-huh.
Okay, thanks.
Oh, wow.
- What's that?
- Uh.
Come on, guy. What do I owe?
Nineteen titty-- fifty.
Nineteen fifty.
Can I have my baby back?
- Oh, sure.
- Oh, my God!
You pressed your breast into me.
My husband's going
to hear about this!
You did it.
What's going on?
We got to work
on your tough guy.
Say, "Do it, you
little gay chicken shit!"
Do it, gay chicken!
Really? With some conviction.
Or you're dead, homo!
Does it have to be
a homosexual slur?
Yes. You're the sidekick.
You're supposed to listen.
I have a lot of gay friends.
I had to listen when
I was a sidekick.
They're really good people.
Say whatever you want!
Just make sure he listens!
Ass face!
Okay. Put the jewelry
in the bag right now!
Or else?
Or else I'm going
to shoot you
with this gun
right in the face!
That's good.
Very scary.
- Thank you.
- In the bag.
In the bag.
Yeah. Quicker. Move it.
Thank you.
Ike. Oh, you came.
It's so good to see you, man.
Have you ever
given blood before?
No, never.
Even better.
Virgin blood!
I'm not giving blood.
Come on. Let's do this!
Let's save a life!
- Come on, man.
- No, man.
I-- I got AIDS.
Got it.
Right this way, Ike.
Hey, there's nothing to be
nervous about when giving blood.
- I'm fine.
- It's heroic.
Got a hero here, Jack!
Oh, oh, right on.
A real-life hero. I like that.
You're in good hands pal.
Don't you worry
about a thing, okay?
- Hook the hero up.
- No problem.
You got it.
Come on in, pal. Take a seat.
Make yourself comfortable, okay?
So, you ever given blood before?
Uh, no. First time.
Okay, well how do you know Fing?
I live in the same city.
He's into everything, isn't he?
Sure is.
A little over zealous
if you ask me.
Yeah, you can say that.
- So, okay. Nice and easy.
- Okay.
There you go.
Very well done, Ike.
You are my hero, indeed.
That's it, pal. You're good.
Kick back,
relax, and I'll be back
in just a little bit.
- I hate needles?
Why'd you make us
come here again?
You don't understand.
If Fing wants you to do
something, you just do it
or you'll hear about it
for the rest of your life.
Screw that.
I'm going to steal a cookie.
What? Get me one.
Come on. Right this way.
Good luck.
- Ready to give some blood?
- Yeah.
Okay. Right this way.
Holy shit! Is he okay?
He's just fine.
This happens all the time.
No problem at all. Just relax.
- What's going on?
- You're okay, Ike.
Just a little hole
in the bag.
Hold still, please.
There you go, buddy.
Put a little pressure on that.
You got it.
Okay, you should be good.
Sorry about the mess,
and sorry about
the bag breaking,
but make sure you grab
a cookie on the way out.
- Okay, pal?
- If there's any left.
Thank you.
What is it?
I won a free trip to China.
What? Hey, what
contest was this?
I don't know.
- You ask Magda out yet?
- Yep.
- You're lying.
- What am I going to do in China?
What are you not
going to do in China?
Everybody speaks English, Ike.
I know a bunch here that
don't even speak English good.
Besides, I might
have plans with Magda.
Yeah? What kind of plans?
Serious ones.
You haven't talked
about shit with Magda!
Of course not!
That's disgusting!
Quit being stupid.
Take the damn trip!
Expand your horizons.
Expand your horizons.
I'll sell it to you.
I can afford a trip to China.
You deliver pizzas!
And I'm not saying
that's a bad thing.
It's a bad thing.
I'm just saying some
cultural enhancement
might be appealing
to someone like Magda.
Magda thinks
I'm plenty appealing.
You're a nice guy, Ike.
That doesn't get chicks going.
Chicks like confident guys.
They like worldly,
well-traveled guys.
You don't know
anything about Magda.
I know women.
She's not like
the women you get.
Okay, Ike.
Are you going to
tell me your secret?
You're going to buy my trip?
- No.
- Can I have my breakfast back?
Thank you.
You don't got lots
going on right now.
You should change that.
Just so you know,
I'm not cool with this.
I'm aware of that.
Also, I don't like you anymore.
I had no idea you
liked me before.
Anything else?
Yes, actually.
I'm just torn about
telling you this, though.
Why? What is it?
Because on the one
hand, it could be funny
if someone beat you down,
and you had
no idea it was coming.
Why would someone
want to beat me?
I don't know, Ike. You tell me.
Maybe it's because you're
out there grabbing titties
on your deliveries!
What? Someone said that?
Why would someone say that, Ike?
I don't know. What did she say?
He! Douchebag. He.
And he also said he plans on
bumping into you real soon.
what did he sound like?
Thanks, Bianca.
You're real swell.
You're welcome.
Whose titties
did you grab?
It doesn't
usually work like that.
When will you know?
Okay... Yeah.
I'll expect your call.
You got to give me space
when I'm on the phone.
Is it a job?
Oh, I got you.
It's for you.
Thank you very much.
Can I get a glass of water
for the road, please?
I thought you said this
would mostly be stealing.
Well, it's mostly stealing
plus a few other things.
I don't think we
should do other things.
Just steal?
- Well, yeah.
- Just steal.
Couldn't we just
shake him around?
You've got battery,
intent for bodily harm
and aggravated assault.
I don't think
I could do this job.
Hey, Brennan,
when I started out,
I was nervous too.
Don't worry.
You had a good teacher.
You can't leave this
lying around.
- Put that shit away.
- Okay.
So, are you
going to tell me?
Why this guy
wants to kidnap someone?
I don't know.
What-- what do
you mean you don't know?
What's up with this guy?
Yakkity yack yack.
You guys sound like two Marys.
I don't mean to be rude,
but you I think
may have picked up my hundy,
okay buddy?
Why don't you get out of here?
Get out of here? No.
I'm telling you I think
you may have picked up
my hundred-dollar bill.
I'm telling you that maybe you
saw me pick up something else.
Okay. Hey, no problem, pal.
So, why are
we kidnapping someone?
I thought you needed the money.
I need the money.
I need the money!
But I still have my ethics.
Okay, all right.
I'll tell you what.
If he calls back,
I'll ask him.
Thank you.
Okay, listen to me
very carefully,
okay, dude?
I want my money.
Do you understand
what Im trying to--
You can ask me
one more time.
How's that? Huh?
Take the money, man.
Yeah. Just keep the money.
You don't wanna
be doing this, okay?
Come here.
Sure about that?
Thanks, dickhead.
- Brennan!
- Sorry.
I still don't get it, man.
How do you drive
a car like that?
It's none of your business.
You know, I'd sleep
with you to drive that.
Just give me the bag.
- Oh!
- Snap, man.
Why would you do that?
Pick it up.
You killed the pizza, man.
It's dead.
It's not my problem.
You're late, pig face!
That's not my name.
Two rodeo classics,
four ranch, four cheese.
- Is that the pizza?
- My God, you are ugly.
That's great.
That will be $42.69.
Hey, bring
that pizza in here.
Hey, pig face.
Who's your boyfriend?
Please don't flick
garbage in my face.
Please don't flick garbage
in my boyfriend's face.
Hey, I'm hungry.
That's super.
Aren't you the guy
who smashed our last pie?
Uh, hmm...
That's not accurate.
It was you.
It was you, pig face.
You're the guy.
Open the bag.
Payment first or I drop it.
Give me that!
Let it go, moron!
Well, cash, credit or debit?
You're not getting a tip.
Huge surprise.
You guys usually tip so well.
All right.
All right.
I got a little something for ya.
What the fuck? It burns!
Dude, I can actually smell his
balls on your face right now.
I don't want
to talk about it!
- All right.
- Oh, God! So pungent.
- You look nervous.
- What?
It's how I always look.
You're really
going to ask her out?
Of course
I'm going to ask her out.
Just uh--
All right.
I have to knock...
Don't touch me.
That's it.
Get that angle right.
I'm going to do it.
All right?
I'm going to do it.
I was going to do it!
Hi, boys.
Oh yeah.
One medium Mediterranean
subbed goat cheese with--
- Extra sauce.
- What's the damage?
Uh, 16.50.
Here you go
and keep the change.
- Thank you.
- I'm Magda.
It's nice to meet you.
And there's--
there's your pizza.
Oh, lovely. Well, thanks.
It was great seeing you.
- See you.
- Oh, bye.
So that's how
you ask out a girl?
You keep saying that.
"I was going to ask her out."
You gotta plant the seed.
Hey, dickheads!
You talking to us?
Oh, yeah. I'm talking
to both of you dickheads!
Yeah, you hit me in the head
with your banana peel, pal.
Oh, I did?
I didn't mean that. I'm sorry.
Hey, you're that guy
from the blood bank, right?
What the hell?
Okay, calm down.
This guy just needs
a lesson in manners
and Sketcher's is just
the one to teach it to him.
He said he was sorry.
Oh, okay!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did that hurt?
I'm the guy
from the clinic, man!
He said he was sorry.
This one
is going to hurt.
- What are you doing?
- Get off me!
Get off!
You're drunk, Jack!
Piss off, Fing!
I said go home! Understand?
Yeah, I understand, man.
Hey! This isn't over!
Get some sleep.
Why don't you get
some sleep, man?
What's the matter with him?
Jack's not a bad guy.
He just has a problem
with the sauce.
Yeah. No kidding.
Rudy, are you all right?
You all right?
It's okay. Deep breaths.
Deep breaths. You all right?
All right? Better?
Thanks, Ike.
I appreciate it.
Don't thank me.
We're both lucky
Fing showed up.
Thanks to both of you.
I just don't do too well
with getting smacked, right?
Of course!
That's understandable.
With AIDS,
you can't risk bleeding.
You sure you're okay?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm fine, mostly.
Still the problem
with the heart?
Dude. You got to ask her out.
She's out of my league, man.
Are you kidding me?
You're a big league hitter.
Girl'd be crazy not to get
her hands on some Ike.
All right.
Are you sure
everything's still okay?
I'm fine.
Why do you keep asking?
You just don't seem
like yourself lately
or you don't like me anymore.
I like you, Fing.
You get a little
intense sometimes.
But I like you.
Intense? How?
You know, like you're always
asking people to do stuff,
bake sales, bottle drives,
donor stuff.
It's always
something, right?
What if it was me
in the hospital
that needed blood or you?
I would hope there's lots
of blood in the blood bank.
And how does that
blood get there?
- The donors?
- Yeah, donors.
And how do the orphans get warm
blankets at Christmas time?
- You gave it to them.
- I gave it to them.
would you like
a free trip to China?
- You won this?
- Yeah?
No, no, no. I can't take this.
No. I want you to have it.
Are you seriously going
to make me take this?
It's for you.
For all the hard work
you do in the community.
No one's ever done anything
like this for me before.
Well, you-- you deserve it.
I know I get really
intense sometimes.
I just care so much
about the community, you know.
It's how you roll.
And we're better
because of it. Okay?
Take care, buddy.
Hello, sir.
Your pizza has arrived.
Yeah, your pizza.
One large Chicken Tuscany
with olives.
Yeah. Your chicken pizza.
You ordered a pizza, didn't you?
Oh, now I remember.
I'm sorry. Oh, come on, Tom.
Get your head
screwed on straight.
All right, guys.
Here's some coins.
I don't suppose that's
going to cover it, is it?
You know what?
There's actually
a special promo going on today,
sir, for people living
in this exact address.
- A promo?
- Yep.
Your pizza is absolutely free.
- Absolutely free!
- That's right.
That is wonderful!
- Thank you, young man.
- Hey.
And you too, young fellow.
Thank you so much.
You come back now, okay?
Anytime, and
have some pizza.
Yeah, sure.
Have a good one.
- Okay.
- That's how it's done.
Why would you give
that old coot a free pizza?
- He's tricking you.
- Shut up.
He's not tricking anyone.
Free pizza.
Look at that house.
That's the guy.
That's the guy.
That guy did all
that stuff to a woman?
Yeah. That's what the guy said.
Didn't look the type.
Why would he lie?
Let's kidnap
this little prick.
Let's do it.
Is this done?
Come on, man. Just let me do--
- Wha, wha, wha...
- Careful with the goods.
You really want to do this?
Yes, man.
I won't be giving it away.
That's for sure.
Come on.
Do you think you're ready?
- You sure?
- I'm sure.
Give me the bag.
All right.
You asked for it.
- Uh--
- Hello.
Uh, one medium
meat lover's pizza.
Yes. Thank you.
That was very fast delivery.
Oh, my friend.
I have money for you.
You know, this reminds me
of movie I saw last week.
- Oh yeah?
- Oh.
Please be gentleman
and pick that up for me?
Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up.
Very funny. Very funny.
Oh my God, dude.
That was so awesome.
Yeah. Almost as funny
as it's going to be
when Bianca finds out you
chickened out on Magda again.
All right.
I'll see you in a bit.
- What? Why?
- Pizza joint is just up there.
I'll see you
in a few minutes.
What are you-- Are you serious?
- Where are you going?
- You're the best. Thank you.
Love you too, Ike.
I'm telling Merrick.
- Wait for my word.
- Okay.
Hey, sicko.
Time to pay the piper.
I don't think
I know you.
Oh, he's--
he's just kidding.
Relax, relax!
- We just want to talk to you.
- About what?
About keeping your
hands to yourself!
What are you doing?
Kidnap him!
Oh, you little--
Ike, what are you
doing leaving Rudy
out in the road like that?
Oh, fuck it.
I can't do it.
So you just
dropped Rudy off, huh?
What? Yes. No. What?
I told you
to train him.
He's trained. He's fine.
He knows what to do.
I heard-- I heard
what you did with Rudy
and the exhibitionist.
You can come
to my party, okay?
- High five.
- Whoa...
You're not a gay, are you?
No. I'm not a gay, Merrick.
I love breasts.
- High five.
- High five.
Before everyone dies...
We can compromise...
- Oh!
- I smelled it coming!
I love you! Muah!
Drink, drink.
Drink, drink, drink, drink!
Whoa, that's a warm drink!
Hey, hands are on the table.
No hands on the table.
You know that.
That's bullshit.
Bad word. No beer.
You never said
that was a rule.
Okay. It's a rule.
You happy now?
Get your hands off
the table, drink, drink, drink.
Drink like the dog you are!
Drink, drink.
Hey, he said he--
off the table.
- Oh, puke, puke, puke.
- That's a beautiful...
Come on, Rudy boy.
Come on.
You need another drink, buddy.
Hold on a second.
You're funny
this time!
Hey, it's the guy.
Merrick's completely
insane, man.
I would have been safer
with those thugs.
Yeah, man.
Wait. What thugs?
What do you think of Magda?
You should ask her out, man.
- You should just do it.
- It's not that easy.
It's exactly that easy.
What's the worst
that can happen?
- She says no.
- So.
- So?
- Like, who cares, man?
How many "No's" do you think
I've gotten from chicks, Ike?
Go fuck yourself.
Hey, hey.
Do you think
she's out of my league?
For sure she's
out of your league.
But, but, but man,
hotter chicks have
been with worse guys.
- I'll take that.
- You'll do okay.
Oh, hello.
I didn't realize
you were already here.
- I'm Candy.
- Oh, it's nice to--
Your friend told me
you were a little shy.
My friend, huh? Okay.
Ah! Okay.
That's nice. Okay.
What's it
getting back for?
Frankie said
if I primed you up properly,
soon you'd be
taking it like a champ.
A strange way to put it.
What you doing?
You must be pretty
kinky deep down, huh?
I don't know. I haven't checked.
That's the door.
Huh... Don't tell me.
Let me guess.
You're here to see Frankie.
That makes more sense.
Sorry I'm late.
Ooh, me likey.
So much for being shy, huh?
Sorry you got
caught up in that.
So awkward.
Candy comes on a little strong.
Traumatizing even.
I need my car today, Ike.
I'd invite you up for a taste,
but it might be weird.
I'll just take the ride, thanks.
Okay. Where's your car at?
My boss' house.
Can you drop me off at Magda's?
I should redeem myself.
Oh no. What'd you do?
I was a stammering idiot.
Frankie, man.
What's your secret?
You really want to know?
I pretend it's you.
When I'm talking to a girl
I want to sleep with,
I imagine I'm talking to you.
- That's gay.
- No.
The trick is
to convince yourself
you're talking
to someone nonthreatening,
someone you kind
of got power over.
Yeah, but you don't
have power over me.
Okay, Ike.
- Put your seat belt on.
- Oh, yeah.
Safety first.
- Hey, can I just--
- No.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Just in the neighborhood?
No, I came from the other
side of town actually.
Oh? Is something wrong?
Yeah. There sure is.
What's wrong?
Uh, I sometimes I--
I meant to ask you
something yesterday, and I
I couldn't get it out.
- Why not?
- Because I-
I get tongue-tied
when I'm around you.
- Around little old me?
- Yeah.
Well, that's just silly.
will you go out with me today?
- I don't think I can. I-
- Then say no.
Don't- I...
I don't even know your name.
Sorry, it's Ike.
- Ike Starkey.
- Ike.
It's a pleasure
to meet you, Ike.
Ah, pleasure's all mine.
pick me up in an hour?
Oh. Yeah, sorry.
- All right.
- Yeah.
So I'll pick you up in an hour.
- OK.
- Back here.
- Back here.
- Don't go anywhere.
- I won't.
- Bye.
...would you
Change the world
Would you make it any better
Would you take away
All the hurt?
Would you take the time to
See through someone's eyes
Would you take the time
To change someone's life
No more heartache
Hoo. Ha. Haa.
Heh. Huh.
Hey, pizza boy.
- Gotcha!
- I...!
Hey. What are you doing? This-
- It's a big misunderstanding.
- You know, I get it now.
Can't understand things?
No, I-
OK, are you sure?
OK, are you sure?
He doesn't look like it.
Well, what's he
supposed to look like?
Like an asshole.
That's it.
These thugs are messing
with the wrong guy
on the wrong day!
"Hey, pizza boy.
I think I'm so tough."
"Oh yeah?
Are you tougher than this?"
Shut your mouth.
Listen. I can explain.
Maybe we should ask him?
- You can't do that!
- He surprised me!
What's your fucking problem?
What's my fucking problem?
What's your fucking problem?
What's his fucking problem?
I'll tell you what
my problem is, shit-stain.
We need the guy
who just came in this house.
I just came in this house.
No, no, wait, wait.
I just came in your mom's house.
Mom's a classy lady.
Tell you what. Either...
you go get the guy
who just ran in there
or me and my friend are
gonna tear your place apart.
- Oh, is that a fact?
- That's a fact, yeah.
Hey! Mickey!
There's some thugs
at the door threatening us.
This should be fun.
Having fun already.
What's all the noise out here?
These guys are
are telling me they're
gonna tear our house apart!
Is that what they tell you?
Let's do it.
Come on. Do it.
You want some of this, jackass?
Yeah. Yeah.
I want some of that.
Why don't we step inside?
You won't let go
I won't give in
We both feel so
No, no, no, no.
Come on, come on.
Come on. Come on!
So give me a show
Before we know it
I'm gonna tear it
I'm gonna tear it up
Who's gonna love you
Just like I told you?
I'm gonna tear it
I'm gonna tear it up
Who's gonna dance
Right into your heart?
I'm gonna tear it
I'm gonna tear it up
Who's gonna play
The things that you need?
I'm gonna tear it
I'm gonna tear it up
Who's gonna heal your curse
When you bleed me?
I'm gonna tear it
I'm gonna tear it up
Who's gonna dance
Right into your dreams?
I'm gonna tear it
I'm gonna tear it up
You're late.
I... I am so sorry.
Did you have to run from the
other side of town this time?
I... just a beautiful day
wouldn't you say? Decided to...
take advantage
get a little exercise.
You know how it is.
Didn't have time
to go to the gym to...
you know.
I'll go get my... shoes.
Great. I'll just
put on some clothes.
Ladies first?
Is, is there a particular plan?
Oh yeah, I, umm...
I got something in mind.
If you say so.
So what does
Ike do when he's
not delivering pizza?
Uhh, I draw.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
What do you draw?
Uhh, everything. Uhh
the human form, mostly. I...
Uhh, I like to
draw graphic novels.
- What kind?
- Uhh, superheroes.
Who's your favorite superhero?
Uhh, Sketcher.
Sketcher is my
favorite superhero.
I, I invented him myself.
Well, what does he do?
Uhh, he, he can draw
anything, and he has
a super-powered pencil that
uhh, makes his
drawings come to life.
- Sounds fascinating?
- Right. Like
like, if he,
if he was in trouble
he could just draw a bunch of
lions or something, and
they would come to protect him.
Or just draw a flying car.
"See you later, danger.
Not this time."
You don't read comics, do you?
You're really
freaking me out right now.
where are you taking me?
Stop being so impatient.
- Impatient?
- Impatient.
Uhh, so...
Uhh, you were gonna
tell me about Magda's world.
Well, what do you wanna know?
Anything. Anything at all.
I knit.
I knit. Like, umm...
needles and
balls of yarn and stuff.
Isn't that sort of
an old-lady hobby?
I guess, I mean...
I learned it
from my grandma, so-
Oh yeah? And how'd that happen?
You were watching one day,
and thought to yourself
"Hey, now that
looks like a fun time."
I just really liked watching
her knit while she was alive.
Oh my god!
Ah, oh my god.
Oh, look. My shoelace is untied.
That guy
needs a face punch.
You can make fun of me
with something else if you want.
That's absolutely not necessary.
So what does, uhh...
Sketcher look like, anyway?
Uhh, you don't
wanna hear about that.
He's like six feet tall.
He's wiry, and, uhh...
has a black hoodie, and
usually keeps in the shadows.
Hmm. Why?
Because it's
a big responsibility
to have your
drawings come to life.
And, so do you like
draw him yourself, and-?
Well, can I like,
see him sometime, or- ?
Of course.
- Yeah.
- Cool.
Unless you're
making fun of me.
So what would, uhh
Sketcher draw, if, umm
if there's like, a crazy
big guy who just like
came in here right now
and wanted to kick his ass?
Umm, well... Jesus!
Jesus Christ?
Uhh, why don't
you order something?
I'm, I'm just gonna
go to the washroom.
Oh. OK.
Don't rush off.
Hello. Are you
ready to order something?
Hi. Umm...
Yeah, that's what I
wanted to ask. How's the, uhh
uhh, half a chicken?
It's really good,
it's my favorite.
- Yeah?
- Yeah. I'd recommend it.
Leave a 20.
Let's go.
You guys are taking this
a little far, don't you think?
Shut up.
What are you gonna do? Kill me?
Nobody said anything about that.
Just let me go!
Didn't I tell you to shut up?
Excuse me, sir.
Do you have the time?
Why don't you get
out of here, old man?
- Move your feet.
- No. Please.
No, no, no, dude!
You can't do this.
You can't do this, please!
You should have
thought of that before.
I didn't mean to.
I'm sorry, OK? I'm sorry!
Can I talk to you for a second?
What? What is it?
I don't think we
should beat him like this.
How would
you like me to beat him, huh?
I thought we were supposed
to bring him back in one piece.
I'm gonna
bring him back in one piece
but I'm gonna kick
his ass a little first.
Young fella?
I don't know what you're up to
but you better skedaddle before
you put yourself in harm's way.
- Thank you.
- Amigo.
M-Magda, where are you going?
- Away from you.
- Please don't go.
Why do you care?
You can't even stick
around for five minutes?
- I can explain.
- Well, I don't wanna hear it.
N-no. Please.
My god.
What happened?
I was jumped.
Uh. Why?
Don't know. I...
I don't know what's going on.
Will you be honest with me?
Of course.
Are you...
dealing drugs?
If I promise to tell you,
will you come with me?
Magda, please.
So you grabbed a boob?
Not "grab."
Like, I, palmed it, maybe.
She pressed it into me.
Do you think that's why
these guys are chasing you?
I don't know. Why else?
Does this happen a lot, like
the whole boob-grabbing thing?
Ow! I didn't grab-
Yeah, all the time.
It's how I get tipped, actually.
Jerk. Knew
I shouldn't have trusted you.
You can trust me.
Why'd you think
I was dealing drugs?
I don't know.
- You're kinda sketchy.
- I'm sketchy?
- Uhuh.
- You're the one that knits, OK?
Gotta be
careful with that.
So are you...
glad you came up here?
Uhuh. Yeah.
It's nice.
Mmm. Yummy.
Thank you for that.
Come on, it's getting chilly,
and we have a long walk ahead.
That was kinda mean.
I mean, it was just so-
you got some- here, I'll get it.
You have to be patient.
It has to fit just right.
You can't force the heart.
I say we turn it.
No, he couldn't have
gotten far on foot.
We've been
all over this area, Perry.
He got away
when that son of a bitch hit us.
Son of a bitch.
He got lucky tonight.
Get him tomorrow.
He's probably
right under our noses.
- Yeah.
- Let's get out of here.
And, and it's nutritious.
It's them! Magda, run!
- Take her!
- Ike!
- Pick up the gun!
- No!
Don't you move.
- Shoot him!
- No!
- Shoot him in the leg!
- Please don't shoot him!
Let her go, OK?
- Just get him!
- Run, Ike!
I'm not leaving you, OK?
Oh, shit!
Hey, which way'd he go?
Come on,
we gotta get this tonight.
Did you hear me? Which way?
What did you do
with the girl, Perry!
I, I put her in the trunk.
That's not right.
You can't do that.
Well, I'm not gonna
hurt her. She's just-
She's just leverage.
These were good pants.
Hey, you lied to me.
He didn't do it!
Hey, that's what the guy said.
He didn't hurt anyone, did he?
- He might- might have--
- Perry!
He might have. I don't
know. I didn't ask the guy.
You said...
you were gonna ask him.
Don't ask that stuff,
but he did something.
A guy doesn't get
kidnapped for nothing.
It's not in his face.
- He is not violent!
- Who cares?
Today, we
almost got him!
We've got his girl.
We've got him for sure now.
This job is bad, Perry.
OK? And I don't
wanna do any of this!
This ain't for me.
You kidding?
You're great at this stuff!
You're a natural.
Way better than
I was when I started.
I quit!
Can't quit on me.
I quit.
Forgive me.
How's that even possible?
I guess she's double-jointing
like she used to on--
What the hell
are you doing here?
- I need you guys' help.
- Hang on. You double-joining?
- Wish I was.
- Really?
Uhh... I don't know.
Did you guys hear me?
I said I need help!
Hey, hey!
You're major cock-blocking here.
Get the hell outta here,
you're ruining my mojo.
I don't give a shit about your
mojo, you selfish homophobe!
Someone took Magda, I need help.
- I...
- Ru-
- I'm sorry. I got a delivery.
- Get this lit for me.
Hey. You.
I don't know who told
you that I'm a homophobe
but I've never slept with a man.
The other one was in college.
It's a three-some
and the girl was just late.
And I, it was
just a little possible.
- Bianca!
- What's up, Ike?
- Someone took Magda.
- I heard you.
Do you want some advice?
Find another girl.
Wicked Wedge, glad you called.
- How can I help you?
- Really?
Sure. Do you
want cheese with that?
Sure. I'll take this one.
You take the next two.
She was just late!
I'm sorry, Ike. I gotta go, man.
- Are you serious?
- I gotta take these deliveries.
I'll see if I'm done on
time, I'll see what I can do.
I'm sorry, Ike, I gotta go.
Are you being serious right now?
- I'll see you later.
- Rudy!
- Ike!
- What's up, Ike?
My friend was kidnapped
tonight. Can you help me out?
I think you should
go to the authorities, man.
I know it sucks
to involve the popo, but
gotta take the
proper channel, dude.
No. No, he'll hurt her.
He's crazy.
Are you in
Make-Believe Land again?
No! When have I ever
been in Make-Believe Land?
Every time when your
friends gets kidnapped.
I've never had
a friend get kidnapped!
This is the first friend
that has gotten kidnapped!
Let me call you back.
Perfect. Thanks.
Hey, Ike. Buddy!
What's wrong?
Hey. Hey, are...
are you sure you're OK to drive?
Oh, I'm fine. I'm good.
What's going on?
Do you need a hand?
Do you wanna tell
Phing what's going on?
Do you know...
how hard it is to find a decent
- side-kick in this business?
- What's your name?
He was smart
- intimidating...
- What do you want?
I just want this
whole thing to be over.
I want your
boyfriend to show up.
He's not my boyfriend.
He's not coming for me.
You better hope he is.
- That's some crazy shit, man!
- I know.
Phing, I gotta get her back.
What's your plan?
I'm gonna drive up there
kick down the door,
and get her back.
You want my help for this?
OK. Why not?
This is a
community concern, right?
- Damn right!
- Let's do this.
Let's do this!
- Yes!
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
- Ha!
- Yeah!
- Ha!
Whoo! You don't know
where she is, do you?
Not at all.
- Yeah.
- Some guy called for you.
- Who was it?
- He left you a message.
Wants you to meet him here.
Would you like
to borrow my car, Ike?
Y-yes, please?
He sounded crazy, so be careful.
And don't you scratch my ride.
- My name is Magdalena.
- I don't-
I don't wanna know your name.
Magda for short.
Why Ike?
They're gonna rip his heart out.
What is that supposed to mean?
What's your name?
Ask me my name again.
Hey, go ahead.
Ask me!
- So we're really gonna do this?
- Yes.
OK. What's the plan again?
The plan?
You wanna know the plan?
First, we find a way
into that warehouse.
Then we sneak up
on him from both sides.
"Oh, it's you, Pizza Boy!"
"Why don't you come
over here and kick my ass?"
"Step away from the girl."
Then I'll distract him, see?
And you smash him
over the head with something.
Then I free Magda
and she French-kisses me.
Why do I have to
smash him over the head?
That's the safe part. I'm gonna
be right in his line of fire.
- He's got a gun.
- Oh.
Did you bring something to
smash him over the head with?
Like a hammer, or bat?
find something inside.
Come on.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Please just let me go.
It was supposed
to be an easy job.
Get the pizza guy, drive
him to the Point, get paid.
- I won't tell the police.
- But no.
No, he's gotta be a runner.
He just keeps
running, and running!
I swear to god-
Where's your pussy pizza boy?
Right behind you!
I can't believe
he actually showed up!
Step away from the girl!
So nice of you to make it.
- Ike!
- I'm so sorry!
I shouldn't have
gotten you involved.
You OK?
Phing, what the hell?
He's the bad guy, right?
Yeah, but, a little
over-kill, don't you think?
I'm the bad guy, turd stain!
Me! I'm the bad guy!
This- this thug
couldn't even kidnap a puppy.
Huh? All you
had to do was grab him.
I even told you where he works.
What's wrong with China, Ike?
Phing, what
the hell is going on?
Hold that thought.
Wh-what are you,
what are you doing, Phing?
Hop on, Ike.
Let's get you comfortable.
No games.
- I will shoot her.
- OK, OK.
Tie up that hand.
You comfy, Ike?
Well, well, well...
What do we have here?
Jack's back!
I was kinda hoping
to bump into you.
You are next.
Come here.
I think you have
a little something that
belongs to me.
Oh god, that felt good.
I told you it wasn't over.
All right, then.
I'm a little drunk.
Why are you doing this?
You should have gotten
on that plane to China, Ike!
Do you know what AB negative
heart goes for, these days?
You're an organ harvester?
If I invest in
futures and commodities
I might not
have to work for years
and that's awesome!
How long have
you been doing this?
You got this under control?
Yeah. I'm on it.
You're supposed to be good guys.
Who says we're not?
Get out of this!
Come on,
get yourself out of this!
Please, come on, just this once!
You really hurt my feelings.
You don't know a thing about me.
- So full of shit.
- No, I'm not.
I was nice to you
when I took your blood.
Oh yeah, you're a real saint.
I offered you
a cookie on the way out.
Hope you choke on
a cookie, you psychopath!
Shut up!
You don't know a thing about me.
I'm not a psychopath.
OK? I save lives!
And this is
gonna hurt a little bit.
Rudy! Great,
get me out of here, man.
What do you think I'm doing?
This isn't funny, guys.
I don't got time for this shit.
You're gonna pay for
this, you son of a bitch!
- How much?
- Shut up!
You know you can't shoot him
if you plan to take his heart.
I said, shut up!
I don't need your heart!
How much are you getting for it?
What if I can give you more?
Keep talking?
But you have to let us all go.
And I suppose you'll go home
and keep your mouth shut?
I can keep doing my thing?
Is that true, Ike?
If I let you go
I can keep doing my thing?
No, I'm gonna stab you!
Ike's truthful.
- That's why I like him.
- Get off me!
What'd they do to you, Jack?
I'm gonna kill you so badly!
Stupid bitch!
Ike! Don't get excited
before we take your heart out!
Magda! I'm so sorry!
Just cut me loose.
Do you hate me?
I fall for
Every word you say
You did kind of save my life.
I'd replay it over
Again and again
someone call me an ambulance?
Oh god!
- Hey, Ike.
- OK, buddy.
It's OK. Think about
- They're shiny.
- Yeah, that's right.
Oh, man.
Phing shoot me?
A little bit. A little bit.
You scare me
You make me feel
What I don't wanna feel
I put your memories in a box
I locked it
And threw away the key
We were never meant to be
But you scare me
Scare me
Well, good luck
harvesting organs, in your butt.
I want you to
go home and get some rest.
Rest is all I want you to do.
You've had a pretty crazy night.
Someone will be in touch
with you shortly, all right?
Have a good night.
I can't believe
That I'd hesitate
To walk away from you
Don't, don't I know
you from somewhere?
You look so familiar.
Just one of
those faces, I guess.
Come on!
...and you pushed me down
Left me alone
I'm broken down
You tried to
Take a piece of me
That would never be
We should probably go with them.
Yeah. Yeah, of course.
I'm so far gone
I'm so far gone
Can't right your wrongs
I'm so far gone
Sunken in
I'm so far gone
The girl police
Are coming over
You can do it. You can do it.
And he locked the stash
In the bottom drawer
The woman fuzz
Are coming for us
Hang tight, because
we gotta wait for this truck.
What truck? There's a truck?
- Yes.
- Whose-? Is it your truck?
It is my truck!
Oh my lord.
And, action.
I swear to god.
Do an
action again, moves in--
- Action.
- I swear to--
- OK.
- OK.
- What, what are you doing?
- Kidnapping.
That didn't work at all.
He can't do it.
Shooting a movie?
That's my story
God, your flue is dirty.
What flue?
Now this is the most pressure
I've been under
in 20 years, by the way.
I'm not kidding.
It's rolling,
we all wanna go home.
And I can't get
this glove on.
I mean...
Is this not an
out-take from hell or what?
I can hear
the cash register, boss.
I know it's ,
and the film's turning
and it's making
it worse, hang on
Oh, this is
really not easy, guys.
I'm just telling you.
I'm very coordinated, generally.
Sorry, my man.
Come on, let's do it.
Let's save a life!
I've got AIDS!
What the ,
guys, we're actors!
Hold this together.
Why is there a camera on my car?
Did you put it there?
Mmm, maybe...
How did I not
notice that? It's huge.
I don't know.
Can you do it
again? It was really soft.
Yeah. OK.
I'm getting sick.
Umm, softer lips?
OK, you got this.
"Mmm, hello."
"I was just
in the neighborhood."
"Oh, I was
just about to take a shower
and I heard the door-bell."
"All I have on
is this tiny towel."
"I'm sorry I'm so naked."
"So I was
wondering something."
"You wanna
grab a bite, sometime?"
"I can't
believe how charming you are."
"So devilishly handsome."
"Oh, make love to me, Ike!"
don't mind if I do."