Adventures of a Plumber's Mate (1978) Movie Script

Male singer:
climbin' on the 5:45
feelin' good inside
feel the jets comin' alive
come alive, all right
I know I said
I'd never come back again
but the city lights broke
and they done me in
- backing vocals: I'm flying
- singer: I'm comin' back home again
- I'm flying
- I'm hopin' for gold again
- high above
- I am celebrating
- my love
- to be with my baby again
- I'm flying
- comin' back home again
- I'm flying
- I won't be alone again
- I am flying
- I am celebrating...
Woman: Oh, Sid...
Oh, Sid!
I don't feel like
going to work this morning.
Can't you take the day off?
No. I get bored sittin' around all day
doin' nothing.
You wouldn't get bored
with me around, Sidney.
I'll put the kettle on.
Some plumber.
Woman: You know
a lot of people, don't you?
All those people writing to you.
They're bills, darling, bills.
Oh, bills.
"And, after repeated applications
havin' been ignored,
"we shall be forced to
reclaim the property
"within the next ten days."
Ah, well.
There goes the record player.
Oh, I didn't know you had a player.
Let's put a record on.
Look, I told you, I'm late.
Look, for Christ's sake,
make yourself useful.
The kettle's boiling.
Oh, Sid, it's lovely
and warm in here.
I'll tell you what,
I'll have a little nap.
When you've gone to work,
I'll get up and make you my speciality.
I've already had your speciality.
Get your arse out of that bed.
Don't mince your words, do ya?
You made that tea yet?
I'm already drinking mine.
Oh, you're not back in bed again!
Well, you were ieapin'
up and down on me all night.
I'm utterly exhausted.
Well, I didn't hear you complainin'.
Come on, girl.
I'll give you a lift.
I wanna get out of here before...
Bloody hell, here he is. Adolf.
Come on, come on.
It's Monday.
I forgot all about the rent.
I'm terribly sorry.
I haven't got it, I'm afraid.
You can't go on being
"terribly sorry", mr south.
It's five weeks now.
I'm afraid this matter
will shortly be
in the implacable hands
of our computer.
Not the computer!
- What will it do to me?
- Send you an eviction notice.
Now, er...
You wouldn't like that, would you?
No, I wouldn't like that, would I?
Well, you'd better get
your finger out, hadn't you?
Good day.
Here, Adolf!
You forgot your machine gun.
Male neighbour:
Oh, mr south, here's your gas bill.
Oh, and while I'm about it,
do you mind making
a little less noise of a morning?
It's not that I'm narrow- minded,
but enough's enough.
Ain't you ready yet?
What you hangin' about for?
- Well, have you seen what's happened to my...
- Come on!
I've seen some
dizzy birds in my time,
but you take the bleedin' biscuit.
All right, I'll see you
later, then, darling. Ta- da.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- What it says.
So that's all it meant?
Well, thank you very much.
Look, I've got your phone number.
I'll call you, all right?
Yeah. I'll bet.
Once you get what you want,
you can't wait to
pull the next one, can ya?
What's that got to do with love,
that's what I'd like to know.
Hark at her!
Who said anythin' about love?
You did! Last night.
You don't even remember, do you?
- It so happens I've got feelings.
- Look, I'll tell you what I'll do.
When I get home tonight,
I'll call you, all right?
Don't bother.
I never want to see you or it again.
Don't you shush me!
I want the whole world
to know what you're like.
Look, everybody,
the original mr big.
Except where it counts,
you male chauvinist pig.
Ba crapper limited.
Plumbing and sanitary installations.
I'm sorry, madam.
No. I can't help you, no.
No, I'm afraid all my men
are out on jobs.
Yes. Well, I'll take
the address down, yes.
Yes. Thank you. Yeah.
Yes, it is humanly possible.
Yes, yes, yes.
All right, thank you. Bye- bye.
Morning, crappie!
What do you want to do that for?
That was red hot.
Cor blimey,
what time do you call this?
You should have been here
at eight o'clock.
Why? What happened?
How do you expect me
to run my business
with lazy hounds like you
on the books, eh?
Come on, crappie.
I'm up to my eyeballs in debt.
Sort us out
some decent jobs, will ya?
As a matter of fact, I was thinking of
crossing you off my register.
Leave it out.
You wouldn't survive without me.
Well, you're lucky,
as it so happens.
- Something's just come in.
- Yeah?
Yeah, a bit of plumbing
and a lavatory seat to fix.
- And, Sid...
- Yeah?
- Try and do a good job, eh? Eh?
- Crappie.
What is it?
I love you.
Don't be so blooming familiar.
Oh! I'm very sorry.
It happens all the while.
Come in, mr plumber.
You don't mind me
watching, do you?
No, I don't mind you watching.
- You live here all alone?
- At the moment.
Bill's away. That's my husband.
He's been away almost a year now.
I've almost forgotten
what he looks like.
Are you married?
- No. It's not my scene.
- You'd make a lovely husband.
What makes you say that?
Women get a feeling
about these things.
- Oh, yeah?
- I must make the bed.
Give me a call when you've finished.
it's your birthday, dear Sid
it's your birthday, dear Sid
it's your birthday, dear Sidney
- I've finished!
- Oh, good!
Do you mind if I
take the old seat away?
Might come in useful.
Do what you like with it!
Come and get your money.
Door opposite the bathroom.
Come in.
Er... that'll be twenty pounds.
My chequebook's
on the dressing table.
Would you bring it over here?
Sit down.
Here, what're you doin'?!
You have me at your mercy.
I'm in your power. I'm helpless.
- Rubbish.
- They bind me to you. I'm yours.
Do with me what you will.
Yeah, well, you might have
waited till I'd got me shirt off.
Oh. Oh!
What a lovely hairy chest.
Oh, you're so powerful,
so overwhelming.
Here, what about your husband?
- Bill! Where are you?
- Yeah. Where is he?
In prison.
He won't be out till tomorrow.
We've got one whole day
to be really naughty.
- Bill: Oi!
- Hello, bill!
You wanna go straight home?
No, she's not expecting me
till tomorrow.
She don't like surprises.
By the way, er...
Where exactly did you hide 'em?
Oh cor blimey,
I've only been out five minutes.
Here, pull up at that phone box.
I'm gonna ring her.
Can't wait to get my teeth
in one of her chicken fricasses.
Chicken fricasses!
Two hundred grand's worth
of gold bars hanging about,
all you can think about
is chicken fricasses. Cor blimey!
You are my master,
I am your slave.
Be rough with me.
Quick, quickly.
Just a minute.
Hello, my love.
Why, it's me, Billy.
I'm on me way home.
Yeah, now.
Keep the bed warm, darlin', eh?
- Bloody hell!
- What?
I must have got the day wrong.
He's on his way back.
- What?!
- Trust him to spoil everything.
- Well, what are you looking for?
- The key!
- What key?
- The key to this.
Oh, don't tell me you can't find it.
- I know. It's in my handbag.
- Where's that?
- Downstairs.
- Right.
Cor, I don't half fancy a drink.
Food, sex and drink.
That's all you think about.
Here, hold on. I've been inSide
for more than a year, you know.
That was your stupid fault.
I could have understood it
if you'd've got nicked for the gold,
but doin' over a copper...
I ask ya!
- Well, I'd had a few, hadn't I?
- Yeah.
Got carried away.
Here, there's a pub over there.
- Where was he phoning from?
- From a call box.
Bloody marvellous.
That was smashing.
Fancy another one?
You still ain't told me
what you done with the gold.
- I melted it down.
- You what?
I couldn't keep it hangin' about.
I had to get rid of it.
So, where is it?
You'd never guess
in a million years, old son.
- Then tell me.
- It's at home.
You must be out of your mind.
The police can
search there any time.
That's right. They already have,
half a dozen times.
But they never found anything,
never will.
Even the old woman
don't know where it is.
Come on, have another pint.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
Janice: Oh, my god.
You crafty old sod.
Nah, it was so simple.
I used a welding torch, see.
It was the mould
that was the difficult part.
I tried out plaster of Paris,
but it wouldn't stand the heat,
so I used Clay.
- Looks like the real thing?
- You couldn't tell the difference.
Except it's a bit heavy, like.
Stroke of bloody genius, weren't it?
Talk about sittin' on a fortune.
I'll tell you
something else, sunshine.
I've got a buyer lined up for it.
Drink up, then.
Let's not keep him waiting.
Come on, come on.
It's not there.
Wait a minute.
I remember now.
It's in my housecoat.
And where exactly is your housecoat?
In the bedroom.
In the bedroom.
- Well, you'd better be up for it.
- Right.
Are you sure
it's in your housecoat?
I think so.
Hang about, hang about.
It's all right, all right.
What was he inSide for?
Grievous bodily harm.
How much for this, mate?
Here, what's this?
It's covered in brown paint.
I'll have to pay someone
to scrape it off, won't I?
What are you talking about?
It's an antique.
Look, mate,
that's all it's worth to me.
If you want it back,
pick it up and piss off.
- Wotcha, Suze.
- Hi.
- What's on today then, eh?
- Sausages. All right?
Suppose it'll have to be.
Bottle of brown, please.
Here, you look well.
You been away?
Yeah. Been down to me mum's.
- Costa del bognor.
- Oh, yeah.
Hello, blackie.
Ain't seen much of
you lately, have we?
- Well...
- You know what I think?
I think that you owe someone
some money. Don't he, stropper?
Like about nine hundred nicker.
Well, you don't think
I've forgotten, do ya?
Come on, you know me.
I'm a man of me word.
80's the guv'nor.
He says some beautiful ones about you.
Lovely ones.
He even wrote them down for us.
Says here,
"tell that lying git
that if he don't cough up,
"we'll break every bone
in his horrible body
"and stuff the bleeding lot
down his throat."
Like poetry, ain't it?
Are you threatening me?
Do you hear
what he says, stropper?
- Anything I can get you boys?
- Blackie: That's all right, love.
We just popped in to have a talk
with our mate here, didn't we?
Keep your voice down, blackie.
These people are friends of mine.
That's all right. They'll be able to
visit you in hospital, won't they?
- What do you mean?
- He says, what do we mean?
Oh, leave it out.
Look, one hot tip
and you iot'll be owing me money.
- You know what it's like.
- They never learn, do they?
I can't lose all the time.
It's against the law of averages.
Sometimes you're up,
sometimes you're down.
Yeah, that's right.
And if you don't come up
with the readies on Saturday,
you'll be up!
Up the bleedin' creek,
you understand?
All right, all right.
Good. Nice to have seen ya.
Come on, stropper.
You've had your say.
I forgot.
You know Willie Thompson, don't ya?
- The electrician?
- Yeah, that's him.
He's in st Martin's hospital.
Why don't you go up and see him?
He's had a terrible accident.
Like the one you'll be having.
Keep healthy.
It's me, darlin'. I'm home.
She must have gone shopping.
I'm not interested in that.
All I wanna see is that gold.
Not only can you see it, old mate,
you can bloody use it. Come on up.
That's bloody marvellous.
You couldn't tell it
from the real thing.
It's bleeding plastic.
You're bloody right.
What the hell's going on?
You better start talking,
you silly bitch.
Where's it gone, eh? Eh?
Who's got it?
That lavatory seat
you've got in the window.
It's a very unique piece, sir.
Came from a stately home.
Eleven quid.
I don't want to buy the stately home,
just the lavatory seat.
Cost me eight pounds.
I've gotta make a profit.
Make it ten.
- Five?
- Six.
Five and a half?
Hello, Willie.
Some people will do anything
to get a day off work.
You look like the invisible man.
Yeah, I heard you was laid up, mate.
I didn't think it was as bad as this.
Got beaten up.
Yeah, but who did it?
I don't know.
Oh, not blackie?
His friend stropper?
Oh, yeah.
Nice fella, stropper.
Oh! Sorry.
I'm sorry, Willie. Er...
Sorry. I'm sorry, Willie.
Sorry, Willie.
I'm sorry, Willie.
Here look, I bought you
a dirty magazine.
Oh, yeah.
I can see your problem.
Cheer up, Willie.
Did you hear about the fella
that had to have his leg amputated?
When he woke up from the operation,
the doctor said,
"we got some good news,
we got some bad news.
"The bad news is,
"we've chopped the wrong leg off.
"The good news is,
the other one's got better."
How much do you owe 'em, Willie?
It must have been a bloody fortune.
Uh- uh. Sixty- three.
Sixty- three? Thousand?
Sixty- three pounds.
Sixty- three quid?
See ya later, Willie.
Keep healthy.
Cheer up. It may never happen.
It already has.
Oh, well,
we've all got our problems.
Here, what is it? What's wrong?
I'd prefer not to talk about it.
Please yourself.
I was only trying to help.
I'm sorry.
Here you are. Get this down you.
- Oh, well, I haven't got any...
- Oh, it's all right. It's on the house.
Only a few more minutes to go.
I'm off early today.
- Nice one.
- Oh, look, there's your two friends.
Not speakin'?
Friendly sort of geezer, ain't he?
Come here.
Sit down.
Make yourself at home.
Now then, what have
we done to upset ya?
- Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.
- Well, then...
Look, you'll get your money.
It's only a few hours since I saw you.
Give us a break, for Christ's sake.
- Have you been to see Willie?
- Yeah, I saw Willie.
Nice fella, Willie.
He didn't deserve
that bit of bad luck.
And all over a mere sixty- three quid.
Ridiculous, ain't it?
Sid: You've made your point.
Don't rub it in.
In a hurry?
Oh, well, yeah.
I gotta raise 900 quid
by the end of the week, haven't I?
So you have.
And I've got an idea.
Why don't you go round and
see old dodger?
He might be able to help.
Dodger Harris?
He's as bent as a corkscrew.
What do you think I am, a villain?
Did you hear me call him a villain?
It's you I'm thinkin' about.
900 quid's not an easy matter
to raise in three days.
Oh! Well, I'm so glad
you understand.
Of course we understand.
That's why I said 90 round
and see old dodger.
Because, if you don't cough up,
what happened to Willie
will seem like an itchy elbow
compared to
what's gonna happen to you.
- Thanks a lot.
- Don't mention it.
See you Saturday.
Oh, by the way...
Here's dodger's card.
I'll tell him to expect ya.
Keep healthy.
Where are you going now, then?
No, I might as well stay here
and slash me wrist.
Look, I tell you what.
Why don't you come back with me?
I'll cook you a nice meal.
Here, Sid. What did those two fellas
want today in the pub?
Man on TV: And that concludes
our programmes for this evening.
It only remains for me, Joseph gannon,
on behalf of all of us here...
You came to my house yesterday
and took away my lavatory seat, right?
Who the bleedin' hell are you?
How did you get in here, anyway?
Never mind that.
Where's that bloody lavatory seat?
You nicked it.
We could put you inSide for that.
- What are you talkin' about?
- I'll tell you what we're talkin' about.
Yesterday, you came to my house
to do a job,
and you took my lavatory seat
away with ya.
I want it back.
It's a load of old rubbish.
I gave your wife one...
I mean,
I gave your wife a brand new one,
and she still hasn't paid for it.
Don't get funny with us, son,
or you'll get this
down the back of your throat.
Where is it?
I sold it.
- You what?
- Who to?
- A junk shop.
- He sold it to a junk shop.
Ah! That's nice. Come on, you.
- Where are we going?
- Where do you think?
- I'm not open.
- Look, I made a mistake yesterday.
That bog seat is a family heirloom
or something. The owner wants it back.
- Well, he can't have it, it's gone.
- What do you mean, gone?
- I've sold it.
- Oh, Christ! Who to?
How should I know?
I've never seen him before.
Now piss off.
I'm going back to bed.
- Who the hell are you?
- Never mind about that, fuzz- face.
If we don't get our seat back,
you're for it.
- So, who was it?
- I told him, I don't know.
- Did he pay you by cheque?
- Yeah. I... I've still got it.
Let's have a look.
Now, we've saved ourselves
a bit of trouble.
He's put his address on the back.
Right. Now, get in there,
and get it back.
And don't forget, son,
we're watching you.
Well, what am I gonna say?
You ain't been lost for words so far.
Go on, get goin'.
Clumsy sod.
I bought it legally.
I've paid for it,
and I got a receipt.
But it wasn't mine to sell.
- Look, you changed the seat, right?
- Yeah, but it was a mistake.
Well, I conSider
that everything was in order.
You were entitled to take it,
I'm entitled to keep it.
Look, you gotta sell it back to me.
If you don't, I'll...
If you don't,
I'll call the police
and tell them you're
receiving stolen property.
I was just about to let you have it.
Now, I'm damned if I will.
Get out of here
before I throw you out.
- He won't sell it back.
- Won't he?
Well, we'll see about that.
Come on.
Where's your old man?
We want to talk with him.
Who are you?
Never mind who we are.
Where is he?
I'll get him. You wait in there.
- Well, go on, then.
- Henry!
- Henry!
- "Henry."
- Did you see her face? Shit scared.
- Yeah.
Well, you have to show 'em
you mean business, don't ya?
- Right.
- Tell you what.
We'll give him one last chance
to sell it back,
and if he don't,
we'll do it the hard way.
Do you remember that bloke
we did it to...
Yes, gentlemen.
What can I do for...
- Those the men you were talking about?
- Yeah.
Oh, I know them.
Right pair of villains, they are.
Yeah, well, they made me come here.
I didn't want to threaten anyone.
Yeah, hi, there.
Hello, chief inspector wallings here.
Yeah. I think I've got a lead for you
on that union safe depositjob.
Yeah. Pick me up at my house
as soon as you can, will you?
- Right, well, I'll be off, then.
- Just a minute.
You know, I believe there's more to
that lavatory seat than we thought.
All this fuss over a bog seat.
Scrape the paint off.
It's brass.
Just as I thought.
It's gold.
Solid gold.
I'll need you down at the station.
Not you lot.
I've had just about
enough for one day.
I'm afraid you've got
another problem.
- What's this?
- Your eviction papers.
Sorry, but I did warn you,
didn't I, mr south?
Good day.
Man: Come in.
- Dodger Harris?
- Yeah.
Oh! Come in, lad.
Come in, come in.
Sit down, sit down.
Now, what can I do for you?
I need some money, fast.
I believe you might have a few ideas.
My head teems with 'em.
May one enquire
why you want this money fast?
Yeah, well, the bookies
are after me for 900 quid.
If I don't have the money by Saturday
at the latest...
Oh, dear.
- Oh, you do have a problem.
- Well, that's why I'm here.
- Somebody recommended you to me.
- Who was this someone?
- Blackie.
- Ah! Blackie.
Any friend of blackie's is a...
Friend of blackie's.
Yeah, well, he's not
really a friend.
In fact, it was him
who threatened to do me in.
Oh, dear.
What experience have you got?
- Well, I'm a plumber.
- A plumber?
- Ever been in any trouble?
- No, of course not.
- That's a pity.
- Look...
I don't want to do anything illegal.
Perish the thought!
Do you ever get seasick?
Well, I'm all right
in a rowing boat.
It's just I've got this something
being dropped off a fishing boat
off the south coast.
I'm looking for a likely lad
to pick it up. How about that?
- What is it?
- Look, don't ask no questions,
and if anybody asks you any questions,
you don't know any answers, right?
Now, you'll need a frogman's suit,
an oxygen lung,
and you'll go down...
Twenty fathoms.
I can't swim.
oh, here's something
right up your street.
Jeweller's shop.
- Not a smash and grab.
- For some perhaps, but not for you.
There's a professional group,
a highly professional group,
and they're looking for
a modicum of information.
What sort of information?
Well, they want a sketch map
of the basement
showing the water pipes,
the gas mains and alarm system.
And, as a plumber, of course
you've got the perfect cover.
You just call in and say,
"I'm checking the water pressure,"
and phfft, you're in.
Well, that's not
worth 900 quid, is it?
More or less.
More or less, yeah.
How about it?
What's the address?
Actually, I wasn't aware
we had any trouble with the pressure.
We can never get any
hot water, though.
Maybe it's the thermostat.
Er... perhaps you'd like
to have a look at it
while you're down here.
All right.
Well, you don't have to hang about.
I'll call you if I need any help.
Oh, we're not busy.
Maybe I'll learn something.
Yeah. Well, it's, er...
It's probably your, er...
Safety valve.
Man: Mr Bradley?
Oh! Look, I'll leave you to it now.
I think they need me upstairs.
Yeah, yeah. Right. Yeah, right, right.
Yeah. Right.
They say you done a good job.
They're going in tomorrow night.
Tomorrow night!
Can't you let me
have a bit on account?
Look, the moment I get my commission,
you get your fee.
What could be fairer than that?
- You don't look at all well, Sid.
- Oh, I'm all right.
Just been up to me eyeballs
in it lately, that's all.
You didn't mind me
popping in, did you?
No, of course not.
What's the matter?
Well, Suzie,
things have been
a bit difficult lately.
What, with the bills and the rent,
things have been getting out of hand.
What do you mean?
Come on, you can tell me.
A trouble shared and all that.
No, you've got your own problems.
You don't want to hear about mine.
You're a bit special, Suze.
You're not like the rest.
Sid, why can't you
confide in me, eh?
I'm sure it'd help.
Well, maybe one day.
But I've got to get meself
straightened out first.
In the meantime,
I don't want you lying on my account.
Here, look.
I better get some sleep.
You could stay here, you know.
No, I think I'd better go home.
Don't you, eh?
My god.
- Here, what's going on in there?
- I don't know.
- It ain't half bloody hot in here.
- Where's the safe, then?
I don't know.
How can I see in this steam?
Come on.
Bert: I'm not that
bloody big, it's slim.
I bet this steam will slim you up.
You got your leg caught between...
Christ almighty, Bert!
Let's get out of here! Get out!
Man: Come on, Bert!
- Mr crapper!
- All right! All right!
Oh, it's you.
Where'd you spring from?
I thought you'd retired.
- Yeah, well, I've been busy.
- Not for me, you haven't.
You got any jobs, then?
You're dead lucky.
Couple ofjobs come in this morning.
Crappie, can you lend me some money?
I'm a bit skint.
Yeah, all right, boy, yeah.
- When you've finished yourjobs.
- Oh, come on, look.
I just need a tenner.
A fiver'll do.
I must say, I do get
a laugh out of you, son.
Come on.
- You phoned for a plumber.
- Did we?
Well, yeah, I think so.
Well, that'll be
the wife's department.
Maisie, the plumber's here.
Oh, you've come to fix
the garbage disposal.
This way.
We only moved in a month ago
and nothing seems to work.
First, it was the cooker,
then, during the heatwave,
the fridge went wrong.
All the food went off.
Then I had a problem
with my dishwasher.
Smashed up all my crockery.
You sound like
the original calamity Jane.
You can say that again.
There doesn't seem
to be much wrong with this.
I don't even think
it's a plumbing job.
I think you've got
a wire loose here.
Look, would you mind
switching it on?
Very good!
Yeah, that was a fun game.
- Excellent!
- Can you come at six?
- Yeah, I can.
- That'll be great, yes.
Oh, that'll be super.
Ooh, I'm really hot.
I could do with a shower.
Right, which one of us is going first?
- Is it all right if it's me?
- Oh, yes. Okay.
Woman #1:
I say, you missed a fabulous weekend.
Woman #2:
Well, I was supposed to come.
Woman #3: Yeah, what happened to you?
Did you go to Copenhagen?
Mmm, I skipped Copenhagen.
- Did you?
- Where did you go?
Um... I had a very nice weekend.
Do you remember
that photographer guy
that I told you about ages ago?
The one that I thought
was really chic and fancy?
The one with the very tight jeans?
- Woman #3: The open shirts?
- Woman #2: Mm- hmm.
Well, I got a call on Friday.
So tell me, what happened?
- Well, he asked me away for the weekend.
- Yes.
So then I phoned into the agency,
claimed I was sick.
Scrapped Copenhagen
and we went to the new forest.
- Woman #3: Really?
- Woman #2: Mmm.
In that snazzy little
sports car of his.
You can't do much in that
because we really tried!
So go on. What happened?
Well, that car might well be snazzy, but
it's definitely no love bug, I tell you.
Honestly, I think I'm so battered
and bruised from that thing,
I'll never explain
those away to Terry.
Anyway, so eventually,
we had to pull off the road.
- Couldn't stand it any longer.
- Yeah, 90 on.
Well, I tell you one thing.
The fantasy about having it off
in a cornfleld just doesn't work.
Woman #1: Oh, that's impossible.
Woman #2: A, the corn's too high and b,
it's so stony you don't know what to do.
So we gave that up
and I just got muddy.
But I will say one thing,
he chose a really super hotel.
And you can't tell me
any guy hadn't pre- planned that.
He knew what
he was doing, all right.
Oh, the water's lovely and warm.
- Oh, do you know what?
- What?
The bed there was
at least eight foot wide.
Oh, we had a super time.
I tell you something, we must have
used every inch of that bed.
- Woman #1: Really?
- And do you know my fantasy?
- Woman #3: What?
- Woman #1: Yes?
Well, I really did it this time.
I went through with it.
And do you know what,
it really worked.
I went into the bathroom
and I knew he thought I was going to
come out with some chic nglige on,
but I didn't.
I did it, the full strip.
One stocking out the door,
two stockings out the door
and brother, did that turn him on.
Oh, do you know what?
I think after that we must have
screwed for at least four hours.
Turn that engine off.
I can't stop, blackie. I'm late.
- Yeah. Two days late, ain't he, stropper?
- Sid: What do you mean?
We said Saturday, remember?
We was waiting in that pub
for hours and hours.
Look, I've got to go.
I've got an appointment
with a very important man.
- What are you doing?
- It's what we're gonna do.
Cop that bike.
- Right, this is for starters.
- Here, leave that bike alone.
Blackie: Get off that bike, you berk.
You ain't even got a licence.
Look, it's all fixed up.
I'm doing this job for dodger.
He's gonna let me have 900 quid
by the end of next week latest.
- What little job?
- I can't tell you, can I?
You know what line of business he's in.
You put me on to him.
I've learned my bleedin' lesson.
I never want to see another bookie
till the day I die.
That day may come
sooner than you think.
Make it Tuesday. I'll tell him
it's a matter of life and death.
It is!
Well, look, actually, er...
He's giving me a thousand.
- I want you to have the other hundred.
- Why?
Well, I kept you waiting, blackie.
And I don't like
owing people money, do I?
A hundred, is it?
Right, I believe ya.
But you'll never see Wednesday
if you let us down on Tuesday.
Them's me last words. Hop it.
- What happened?
- The geyser overheated.
And set off the alarm
and the sprinkler system.
- Great.
- Plain bloody bad luck.
The boys lost all their gear.
Anyway, they didn't get caught
and that's what matters.
What about me? I'm right in it.
In this game,
you take the rough with the smooth.
Anyway, think of
the commission I lost.
Dodger, I've got
other things on me mind.
I could be dead in two days.
We'll find something for you.
Here, look.
Ideal! You can't fail.
It's money in your pocket.
What is it?
Christ! These are
a bit strong, aren't they?
Well, the gentleman in question
has been a naughty boy
and I don't suppose for one moment
he'd like the pictures
to go to his dear wife.
So, wander round
and offer him the negatives.
Go for the highest price.
I'd start about 5,000.
- That's blackmail.
- Blackmail?
Blackmail, Sidney, is an ugly word.
You are a salesman.
You have a commodity,
so you take it to the highest bidder.
If the first potential customer
doesn't want to know,
you go to
the second potential customer.
- Sounds all right when you put it like that.
- 'Course it does.
This charteris is a rich man.
He's got a string
of massage parlours.
He's the answer to all your problems.
But a lot depends
on how you handle the sale.
So, put on your best suit.
Cut a dash. Look prosperous.
Tell him it's big business.
Impress him.
I haven't got a suit.
"And, under the terms
of the settlement,
"one half of the net profits
are incorporated in the agreement.
"I am, however,
negotiating a cash settlement,
"but, until this has been sorted out,
I'm not in a position
"to discuss any new
partnership agreement.
"I'll be in touch with you immediately
the situation has been ratified.
"Yours sincerely, ar charteris."
A mr south is outSide.
He'd like to have a word with you.
Oh, who the hell is he?
You know I don't see anybody
except by appointment.
But I told him
and he wouldn't go away.
He asked me to give you this.
He said you'd understand.
Yes. I think I do understand.
Show mr south in, will you?
Ooh, by the way,
what's belinda doing?
Oh, well, nothing at the moment.
One of her clients just cancelled.
- Mr charteris will see you.
- Ah, mr, er...
- South.
- Mr south.
Now, while I'm getting dressed,
I'd like you to enjoy
a vigorating massage on the house.
No, thanks. I've come
to discuss business.
Yes, of course, but I'd like you
to be completely relaxed,
so you'll be
in a better condition to...
Discuss business.
Yeah, all right.
But I'm a busy man, mr charteris.
I wanna get this matter
over and done with.
I hope you fully appreciate
the delicacy of the situation.
You are a reasonable man,
I understand?
Oh, I am, mr south. I am.
Just lie down there
and enjoy yourself.
Come and see me in my office
when you've finished.
What's your name then, eh?
Not speakin'?
That's all right.
I like a bit of mystery in my women.
Not too much, though.
Ooh, that's nice.
Ooh! I'll tell you what.
You can eat crackers
in my bed any time, eh?
Oh, Christ!
Me leg! You're breaking me leg!
You'll break me leg!
Get off! Get off! Oh, get off!
No! No, no, no. No! No! Ooh! Ah!
Ah! Ooh! Ow!
No, no! Not that! No!
Enjoying yourself?
And that'll teach you to try
blackmailing me, you little bastard.
And you can tell whoever it was
who sent you
that they can stuff
the rest of those photographs
because they're not worth
the paper they're printed on.
Well, your wife!
What about your wife?
I haven't got one.
We were divorced a year ago.
- Hello, dodger.
- Hello, Sidney!
Charteris was divorced a year ago.
Why don't you
get your records straight?
- I nearly had me bleedin' neck broken.
- The story of my life, Sidney.
You know,
I never could get nothing straight.
I'm not interested in your life, dodger.
I'm at death's door.
Well, don't panic, Sidney.
I mean, um...
Old dodger
will pull something out of the hat.
How do you think I've survived so far?
That's a bloody good question.
Look, I've got something special
for you, Sidney.
A certain gentleman, whose
Name cannot be divulged,
but who is not short
of a small fortune or two,
is desirous of laying his hands
on a, um... certain work of art.
- Eh?
- Have you heard of Picasso?
Now look, I'm not havin'
anything to do with the mafia.
The mafia! He's pig ignorant.
Picasso is one of
the greatest painters ever.
And one of his masterpieces
is hanging on the wall of
a mansion not very far from here.
Go on.
I want you, dear Sidney,
to obtain it by fair means or foul.
And hang in its place this copy,
which I've had prepared
at great expense.
Oh, you're not asking me
to pinch a painting?
I'm not asking you
to pinch a painting.
I'm asking you
to arrange a swapping.
- And what happens when they find out?
- "Find out"!
They couldn't tell a Picasso
from a giraffe's arse- o.
How do I get into the place?
Pull the old
water board routine again.
Say you've gone round
to check the water pressure
and, while you're at it,
suss the joint out.
Then, having secreted this copy
somewhere about your person,
at the appropriate moment,
swap it.
- Swap it?
- Swap it.
And, this time,
nothing can go wrong.
Old dodger gives you
his personal guarantee.
After all, it's only a swapping.
Woman: What are you doing,
standing there
without a drink in your hand, huh?
Sakes alive, there's enough liquor
around here to sink a battleship.
Lucinda, honey! There.
No- one shall ever say Loretta proudfoot
lacks one iota of southern hospitality.
Even though she is
6,000 miles away from home.
Oh, you're mrs proudfoot?
Oh! I'm sorry, honey.
I thought you were a guest.
- Oh, no, I'm a plumber.
- A plumber. Did I call for a plumber?
Well, the council sent me.
Your water pressure's all over the place.
Loretta, darling.
You've been holding out on me.
Where have you been hiding this one?
Loretta: This is Hubert,
one of my dearest friends.
- Hubert, meet, um...
- Sid.
Oh! What a lovely name.
- Loretta: He's a plumber.
- A plumber! How interesting.
Well, you can shove your plunger
round my s- bend any day.
I'll hit you over
the bleedin' head with it.
Ooh! Any time.
He's so butch, dear.
I'll see you later, heart- face.
You must forgive Hubert.
He's not afraid to say
exactly how he feels.
That's all right.
It don't bother me.
Good. 'Cause I believe
in everybody being themselves.
My late husband, who was
a psychiatrist, always said
the trouble with the world
was sexual frustration.
Very true.
So, every now and again,
I like to have a little get- together
where all my friends
can lose all their inhibitions.
Oh, yeah. You mean, sort of, er...
Let it all hang out?
Oh, Robin, honey, this is Sid.
My! Samantha's got a sparkle
in her eye tonight, haven't you, honey?
She's sparkling at everybody.
I can't keep her away from the men.
And you know what I'm like.
I get so jealous.
I was in two minds about coming tonight,
but she insisted, didn't you, dear?
Oh, she couldn't wait
to lose her inhibitions.
The moment she stepped into the room,
she took all her clothes off.
With a body like that,
how can you blame her?
Hasn't she got
the most beautiful shape?
- Fantastic, yeah.
- Tell me,
do you think I was right
to bring her?
- Yeah.
- I know why you're saying that.
You fancy her yourself,
don't you?
Loretta: Now, now, Robin,
Sid is not a man to step in between
two people who love each other.
You really must try
to stop being so jealous,
and I mustn't keep you from
your duties for one moment longer.
Enjoying yourself, honey? Fine.
By the way, what actually
is wrong with my water?
Um... well, it's not
running properly.
It's throwing the whole area
out of balance.
Woman: Get off me!
Excuse me.
Excuse me!
- You've got my plunger.
- Your what?
Well, it's stuck to your ar...
Well, I'll have to have it back.
Do you mind?
Well, I've got to get it back.
Okay, everyone,
it's time to go fishin'.
Now, you all know the rules.
Each one of you
has to fish for his or her partner.
And once you've hooked them,
they're yours for the night.
One, two, three,
everyone into the water!
Hey, no! Oh, no, no! Look.
Look, I'm only the plumber.
I'm only the plumber!
I'm only the plumber!
My Picasso's in the water!
Somebody fish it out.
The colours'll run.
You! You took it!
You're not a plumber,
you're a thief!
The police.
Somebody ring for the police!
- I'm not a thief. It belongs to me.
- Belongs to you! It's mine.
There's not another like it
in the whole wide world.
Your bleedin' Picasso's
hangin' on the wall.
Turn round, have a look.
Well, what's that doing there, then?
- Well, it's not worth tuppence, it's a copy.
- A copy!
I know what you were gonna do!
He's killed her.
He's done her in.
- Ah! You got it.
- No, I didn't get it.
Well, why not?
There was a party going on,
and one thing led to another,
and I didn't do the swap.
Look, dodger, I'm not interested
in any more of your little schemes.
As much as I need the money, I don't
fancy spending next Christmas inSide.
Oh, well, Sidney,
remember the old saying.
"If at first you don't succeed,
try, try, try again."
I'm not tryin' anythin' else.
That's final.
Oh, that's a shame, Sidney.
'Cause I've got a smasher here.
You couldn't go wrong with this one.
Tower of London.
Stuff it!
- Good morning.
- Man: Morning.
- Do you, er... you buy bikes?
- Yeah.
Well, what about this mighty machine
out here, then, eh?
I'll have a look at it.
Done a lot of mileage, hasn't it?
Just goes to show how honest I am.
I could have easily fixed the clock.
Tyres are well worn.
Oh, come on.
What's a couple of tyres?
What do you want, part exchange?
Well, no.
I've got to sell it actually.
I don't want to,
but I've got no choice.
Need money in a hurry, do ya?
No, no. I know this geezer
who's selling a sports car.
Real bargain.
But unless I give him the money today,
no go.
Where's the registration book?
- Any hire purchase on it?
- Yeah, why?
- How many payments you made?
- Two.
You can't sell it.
It's not yours to sell.
Well, it's my property.
I bought it, didn't I?
It's not your property
until you've made the last payment.
- You mean I can't sell it anywhere?
- It's not yours to sell.
You try selling that bike to anybody else,
and you'll get put inSide.
- Oh, you're not going away.
- Yeah. I've come to say goodbye.
I've got meself a job
on one of them oil rigs.
I'll be earning thousands.
I suppose that's good news.
When do you leave?
- Wish I could come with ya.
- Well, I'll be back in a few months.
Me pockets'll be bulging.
We'll have a great time.
Go everywhere, see everything.
Man: Twenty dunhills, please.
Just going down the bank.
To get the money.
That's all right.
We'll walk down there with ya.
Keep ya company.
Won't we, stropper?
You still don't trust me, do you, eh?
I'm not going to emigrate.
It's only a thousand quid.
Well, that's all right.
We'll still walk down there with ya.
Guv'nor's orders.
Yeah, well, you don't have to
put yourselves out.
You sound like
you don't want us with ya, Sid.
You're not tryin' anything on,
are ya?
Don't tear his clothes.
They'll be worth a few quid
when we get 'em off him.
On second thoughts.
Come on, blackie.
The bank'll be closed.
So what?
You ain't got nothing in it.
I ain't thick.
What's in the bag?
Well, it's, er...
It's me laundry. I pass
the laundry on the way to the bank.
Open it up.
You're dead right.
You ain't emigrating.
They don't take cripples
in these foreign countries.
Stropper, your moment has come.
I never did you any harm.
I didn't say you did.
It's me job, innit?
You never gave me a chance.
You didn't give me enough time.
You're breakin' me bleedin' heart.
Mister, this is private business.
My apologies,
but I have to speak to mr south.
So do we, and we saw him first.
I'm from the
bovine insurance company.
He won't be needin' any.
Push off!
I'm not selling insurance.
Here, don't I know you?
I was at the police station
when you made a statement
about that, er... lavatory seat.
- Oh, that's right, yeah. I remember.
- Lavatory seat?
I'm pleased to inform you, mr south,
that you are due for the reward.
A thousand pounds.
For giving information leading to
the recovery of stolen property.
Now, if you'll just sign this receipt.
Turn your back, stropper.
My apologies for
the interruption, gentlemen.
Good day.
- A thousand quid.
- Where's your bank?
Mr rockefeller.
Hello, boy.
I heard all about your windfall.
Yeah, so did the bookies.
Took the lot.
Come on, crappie.
I'm back in the market.
- Got anything?
- Nothing. Get out.
- I'm desperate. I'll do anything.
- Anything?
Oh, god!
- Anything?
- Yeah.
I've got something to show you.
What is it?
It's a new mechanical
pipe and drain cleaner.
- I'm starting a new service.
- Drains?
- Yeah.
- Not with me, you're not.
Here, hang about.
I was thinking of putting you
in sole charge of this.
Only 'cause you can't get anyone else.
Yeah... no!
Oh, look here. Look, somebody's
gotta do it, ain't they?
It'll be a good rate of pay.
Plenty of overtime.
- All right.
- Good boy.
You get to learn how to handle that
machine, boy, you'll earn a lot of money.
It does the work ten times faster.
Here, try it out on our drains here.
Get a bit of practice.
- Hello, stranger.
- Wotcha, Suze.
Yeah, well, life has been
a bit complicated lately.
Yeah, I know.
I heard all about your troubles.
Eh, we are still friends, aren't we?
Yeah, of course we're still friends.
Here, flick that switch, will ya?
- Backing vocals: I'm flying
- male singer: comin' back home again
- I'm flying
- I won't be alone again
- high above
- I am celebrating
- my love
- to be with my baby again
- I'm flying
- comin' back home again
- I'm flying
- I won't be alone again
- high above
- I am celebrating
backing vocals: my love
Singer: climbin' on the 5:45
feelin' good inSide
feel the jets comin' alive
come alive, all right
I know I said
I'd never come back again
but the city lights broke
and they done me in
- backing vocals: I'm flying
- singer: comin' back home again
- I'm flying
- I won't be alone again
- high above
- I am celebrating
- my love
- to be with my baby again
- I'm flying
- comin' back home again
- I'm flying
- I won't be alone again
- high above
- I am celebrating
my love