Adventures of a Taxi Driver (1976) Movie Script

My man's a taxi driver
My man's a taxi driver
I'd like to take a ride with you
Don't want to be tied to you
I promise I'll try my very best
to please you, darling
You know that fair's fair with me
There's things you can share with me
So take my tip
And we can skip formalities
Won't you be my cruising Casanova
Click your fingers
and I'll be over there
Smoothing your hair,
soothing your cares away
There's no refusing, Casanova
Stop the clock and working overtime
Cruising Casanova, be mine
My man's a taxi driver
Every major international city
has that most popular means of transport,
the taxi.
That unique brand of conveyance which
combines efficiency with individuality.
Perhaps, most popular
for the personal service it provides.
Enthusiastic, hard-working,
with never a moment's rest,
probably the taxi driver's
most lovable attribute is the warm welcome
he is always eager
to extend to foreign visitors.
The moment you hail a taxi,
you can be sure
of being greeted by a friendly smile,
a concern for your well-being,
and someone at the wheel always ready
to lend a helping hand.
There are, at present,
literally millions of taxis
operating throughout the world
on a 24-hour basis.
Ensuring that at any time,
day or night, within seconds
you can be speeding happily away
to the destination of your choice.
Renowned for their total lack of prejudice,
a taxi will stop for anybody
irrespective of colour, class or creed.
Adored by the public for their
whimsical charm and delightful disposition,
perhaps more than any other form
of public transport,
the taxi driver holds a unique place
in the hearts of the people.
Not least, his fellow road users
who appreciate to the full
that quiet, courteous patience,
that affable, friendly manner,
that consideration for his fellow motorists
with whom he is always ready to exchange
a friendly wave and some merry little quip.
But possibly more than anything else
to his credit,
the taxi driver bears the distinction
of being a driver of knowledge,
experience and efficiency,
reassuring all who drive with him
that the taxi is not only the
safest vehicle on the road,
but holds the proud record for being
involved in the least number of accidents.
Without a doubt, we, the public, owe much
to these gallant knights of the road,
of whom it can truly be said,
"Everything we feel for them,
they feel for us."
That'll be 75, guv. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Well, you try smiling
when you've been lumbered with
a miserable tight-fisted git like him,
after you've fought through
all the bleeding traffic
and had him moaning on at you,
like it was all your fault.
Sorry about that.
Been a bit of a bad day. Know what I mean?
By the way, my name's Joe.
Well, with a name like that, I had to
go in the cabbing business, didn't I?
Been at it a year or so now.
Have my own cab. Well, almost.
Soon as I've finished paying for it.
Yeah, it's not such a bad job really.
Hard work, but then
so is anything these days.
Not that I mind.
Got me health and strength.
Know what I mean?
Mind you, I'll be a lot happier
when I get my own place.
Trouble is, you see, I live at home.
You need a bit of peace and quiet
after doing this job.
And living at home? No
joke, I can tell you.
Oh, yeah, makes a great start to the day.
Oh, come on, Mum, I'm late as it is.
Well, it's your own fault.
Coming in here last
night, pissed as a newt,
crashing about all over the place
and waking me up.
Lay off, Ma, will you? Do us a favour.
You're getting more like your father
every day, you are.
And you're going to end up like him,
mark my words.
And where were you last night?
Out screwing some poor innocent
little girl, I suppose.
- Just like your father.
- Don't make me laugh.
You hardly knew him.
You only met him once.
Don't talk like that in front of the baby.
And woke her up and all, didn't he,
my dear little pet?
Have more consideration.
It was twice I met him. Twice.
Give me them.
Mummy will give you something nicer than that
to play with, there's a good little girl.
Are you going to sit staring at that
all day or are you going to eat it?
I don't feel like eating.
Look, just give me a cup of tea, will you?
I don't know why I bother, I really don't.
Food is wasted
just as though it cost nothing.
All right, all right. Something's burning.
Porridge, by the smell.
Oh, it's all right, just at the bottom.
The top's all right.
- I don't like porridge!
- Yes, you do. It's lovely.
It's horrid! Horrid! Horrid!
Shut up!
Oh! Now look what you've done.
You know it makes her cry.
All right, I give up. That's it.
Bloody hell. I'm late as it is.
- Where's my fares book?
- Oh, in the cupboard.
Oh, my God!
That little tyke's been thieving again,
ain't he?
Where is he? Peter! Come in here!
- Peter!
- And he's like his father and all.
Wind up in the same cell with him, I
shouldn't wonder, the way he's carrying on.
How am I supposed to get to sleep
with all this racket?
Yeah? So? Where's the fire, then?
Over here. Come here.
Look, what have you got to say about
all this lot, then?
Good gear, innit?
I mean, it's not rubbish, is it?
You said you'd got a proper job.
Well, I have.
I mean, I'm doing it proper now, aren't I?
Been working very hard at it and all. I've
got a sharp little organisation together.
You're going to get us all into trouble.
Anyone could just walk in.
And all that lot lying there.
Not to mention 20 cartons of hairspray
I found hidden under my bed.
Fell off the back of a
lorry, didn't they, Mum?
You're going to end up in the nick
with 10 years ahead of you.
Peter's going in the nick,
Peter's going in the nick.
Why can't you get an honest job for once?
What? Like driving a cab? Leave off.
Anyway, that's no more than
bleeding highway robbery,
so what are you doing telling me
to go straight?
Oh, choice. I like that.
Just don't ask me to bail
you out, that's all.
It's your funeral.
What'd I tell you, eh?
It's always like that.
Makes it a pleasure going to work
of a morning.
I tell you what'd cheer me up,
be to pick up a nice bit of crumpet.
Very handy for introductions, this motor.
I ran about town like you
And had better things to do
Than spending the time
I'll see that it's worth your while
Oh, baby
I know you've been running free
I think you'd have fun with me
Forget the rest
I'd like to test your driving style
Won't you be my
Cruising Casanova
Click your fingers
and I'll be over there
Smoothing your hair
Soothing your cares away
There's no refusing, Casanova
Stop the clock and working overtime
Cruising Casanova, be mine
- Where to, darling?
- Lambeth Bridge, please.
Right you are, then.
Nice morning, isn't it?
You off to work, then?
Yeah, I thought so. I can usually tell.
Being in this job
you have to be a bit of a psychologist.
What do you do for a living, eh?
No, don't tell me.
Let me guess.
I'd say you're a secretary, right?
Personal secretary to some oil magnate. Eh?
Really high-powered.
Don't let appearances fool you.
Be a right little raver, this one,
when it gets going.
Got a lovely little body on her, too.
No mistake.
Looks a bit miserable, though.
I know what she needs. Right?
That's another thing I can tell.
Whether a bird's had a good seeing
to or not the night before.
I reckon that one's had
a right thin time of it lately, don't you?
Born in London, were you?
No, don't tell me. Let me guess.
I'd say, judging from your accent,
that you're from somewhere up north, right?
Yes, I can usually tell.
Somewhere like Liverpool, maybe?
Yeah. Liverpool, I'd say.
She's weakening. What'd I tell you, eh?
Oh, yes, definitely softening up.
Stands out a mile.
Which side of the bridge, love?
- Middle.
- The middle?
Right, then. Middle it is.
That'll be... Here, hang on!
Hey! Hang on a minute, darling.
What about my fare?
Go away and leave me alone!
Please. Just leave me alone.
But I never laid a finger on you.
What's the matter with you?
Jesus Christ, I only want me bleeding fare.
Look, if you haven't got it,
there's no need to panic.
I mean it. Don't come any closer.
All right. All right. I'm going. I'm going.
You don't care, do you?
- Nobody cares.
- Eh?
No one will even notice I'm dead.
All right then, if that's the way it is,
I'll jump now.
- Oh, my God!
- Don't try and stop me.
It's too late. My mind's made up.
No. Wait. Don't do it!
The pain, the suffering, will only end
when the icy waters close over me,
carrying me away into oblivion.
- Funny bird.
- The dreamless sleep of eternity.
Darling, why don't you tell me about it?
I mean, I don't pretend to understand.
I've only just met you, haven't I?
But you know what they say, right?
"A trouble shared is a trouble halved."
All I can say is,
well, it seems to me a terrible waste,
beautiful girl like you
trying to do away with herself.
What do you say, eh?
I mean, nothing's ever that bad, really.
- Not when you come down to it.
- It's too late for talking now.
Oh, please, darling, try, eh?
I'm all alone in the world.
No one loves me. No one cares.
You don't know what it's like
to be left alone, unloved, unwanted.
Hold on. I don't believe it.
Beautiful girl like you
and no one wants to know?
Listen, I could love you.
I mean, the first time I saw you,
I said to meself,
"Now there's a girl I could really love."
There was a man. Once.
I thought he loved me.
- Oh, Ronald, Ronald!
- Watch yourself, you'll fall!
He's never coming back. I'll never
see him again. Never! I want to die.
I can't face life without him.
Oh, Ronald, Ronald!
I can't even kill myself properly.
I'm a failure at everything.
No, you just need cheering up, that's all.
Look, you've had a nasty shock, right?
Why don't I take you home, eh?
Where do you live?
Do you really think
I'll ever be able to forget Ronald?
Course you will. With a bit of help.
I need love, you see.
That's what I need, lots of loving.
Well, I did just save her life, didn't I?
I mean, the way I look at it,
it's an offer I can't refuse.
And strong arms. Strong arms to hold me.
Hold you? It's like trying
to undress a bloody octopus.
I don't want you to think I'm promiscuous
just because
you caught me at a weak moment.
Oh, I don't. I don't.
Look, just lift up a bit, will you?
It's just that without Ronald,
I feel so helpless.
I don't know, you seem
to be doing all right.
I wish he was here right now,
so he could see.
Oh, I don't.
- It's Ronald.
- Ronald?
- Oh!
- You got it all wrong, mate.
It's not like that at all.
I've just brought her back in my cab,
you see.
And you're just collecting the fare,
that right?
Yeah. No!
You mustn't get it wrong.
I didn't dare leave her.
She was going to do herself in.
Throw herself off Lambeth Bridge.
Well, that makes a change.
Let's see, what's the score now?
Westminster twice.
Blackfriars, London Bridge, Tower Bridge,
and that's only in the last few months.
How was I supposed to know?
She was in a terrible state.
- Said you'd left her.
- And you did.
You walked out without saying goodbye
and you slammed the door.
- Cover yourself up, will you?
- That's typical, that is.
Most of the time
you want me to uncover myself.
That's different. That's when I'm with you.
Well, you're with me now,
so what's different?
Admit it, you only want me for my body.
- Oh, Linda, don't be so ridiculous.
- I'm not being.
You think you can treat me how you like,
as if I've got no feelings.
- Now, you know that's not true.
- Oh, calling me a liar, are you, now?
Not content with only wanting me
for my body, I'm a liar as well!
- I didn't say that!
- Excuse me...
I knew it. I just knew it.
You don't love me any more.
- Of course I do.
- You wouldn't say such things if you did.
Look, I don't want to interrupt anything...
If I didn't love you, how the hell
could I have put up with you for so long?
- I don't want to interrupt...
- Just mind your own business.
Keep your nose out of this, mate.
I've got to go to work sometimes, you know,
without you thinking I'm leaving you
and threatening to commit suicide.
You drive me to it. You're so cruel to me.
- Thank you.
- Oh, don't be so stupid.
You're sick, that's your trouble.
Oh, yes, that's
always your attitude.
You never think.
And you still haven't remembered.
Remembered what,
for heaven's sake?
It's my birthday!
So what's important
about a birthday?
- It's very important to have...
- You have one every year.
It's going to be one of those days.
I just know it.
I'd like to take her out
and push her under a bus.
Don't you talk about your little sister
like that. I won't have it!
Sister? She's not even human.
Look at that lot!
A whole bleeding ton of soap powder ruined.
Do you know how much money
she's lost me?
And when I'd done a deal on it.
Knocked myself out to set it up.
Well, no one asked you to bring it in here,
did they?
Cluttering up my kitchen.
Well, I want it out. Just get rid of it.
- Do you hear me?
- Oh, yeah?
Now what am I supposed to say?
Like, "Listen, mate,
about that soap powder,
"I did have it, see, but it sort
of vanished. Sorry about that."
Or how about, "My little sister
decided to decorate the house with it."
Oh, they're going to love that,
after they've picked themselves up
off the bloody floor laughing, of course.
Joe, just tell him, will you?
Just tell him to get rid of it.
No. No. I've had as much as I can take
I wash my hands off the whole bleeding lot
of you. That's it, as far as I'm concerned.
Why don't you get rid of the stuff you've
already got before you bring more in?
It's getting so that I can't
even move around me own house.
What's all that gear doing in my bedroom?
I'll wring her bloody little neck,
so help me, I will.
Little monster ought to have been
put down at birth.
- Peter!
- What?
I want to know what all that...
Oh, never mind. Forget it.
And where do you think
you're going, Sunny Jim?
I've got a nice little job for you first.
- Dump it.
- Oh, Ma, where?
That is your problem, not mine.
And mind you bring that bucket back.
- Where do you think you're going
with that? - I told you, I'm leaving.
Oh, I see. Just walking out
and leaving me to cope.
A fine son you turned out to be.
Just like your father, whoever he was.
What am I supposed to tell Carol
when she comes?
Well, you can tell her to...
- Hello, love.
- Hello, love.
Carol, my steady. Bit of a drag.
Got wedding bells in her ears.
- What you doing with that, then?
- He's clearing off.
Walking out on his responsibilities,
that's what he's doing.
Oh, no! No, I'm sure Joe wouldn't do
a thing like that without telling me,
- would you, Joe?
- Yes, I would.
I've had enough. I'm clearing out.
I've had enough.
Oh! Well, I expect I'll
see you later, then?
Joe! Joe!
Joe North! You come here. Come here.
Do I comprehend the situation correctly?
- Are you leaving home?
- Dead right.
Without a word to me
or even a by-your-leave?
It's got nothing to do with you.
What do you mean
it's got nothing to do with me?
I happen to be your fiance and
fiances have a right to know these things.
- So where are you going?
- I don't know.
- What do you mean, you don't know?
- I just told you, I don't know.
You can't just leave home
and not know where you're going.
As soon as I find somewhere,
I'll get in touch, all right?
When's that, then?
How should I know? Tonight, tomorrow,
as soon as I'm settled in.
Does that mean
you're not going to take me out tonight?
How can I? I don't know where I'll be.
- Gone with the wind.
- What?
That's what you were supposed
to take me to, Gone with the Wind.
Oh, come on now.
You must have seen it 10 times.
With that and Lady and the Tramp
every year at Christmas,
it's enough to drive anyone up the wall.
You don't have to come.
I mean, nobody's forcing you to.
I mean, you don't have to care
if I'm on my own,
probably being molested in the back row.
Oh, come on. Who's going to molest you?
Lots of people, if I let them.
Anyway, you always do.
I've got to find something to do, haven't
I? Gone with the Wind is a long film.
Well, if you won't take me to the pictures,
why can't I come with you
and help you find somewhere to stay?
Carol, I'll be all right.
Supposing you're moving in
with another woman?
Oh, leave off, Carol.
Well, how am I supposed to know?
Look, I'll ring you, all right?
You see, if you would have told me
you were leaving home,
I could have done the same
and then we could have moved in together
and got married before
I originally planned.
Yeah. Well, I'll ring you.
You see, if you wouldn't mind
hanging about for a bit,
I could bolt home
and start packing straight away.
No. Look...
Twenty minutes, 15 at the outside
if you took me by cab.
Carol, I haven't got time for all this.
What is the matter?
Do you not want to live with me any more?
Course I do. It's nothing to do with that.
You wouldn't think so,
the way you go on about it.
You'll have to get used to it
once we're married.
Look, what's up with you?
- Don't you trust me or something?
- Quite frankly, no.
It's just that I don't like
to think of you being unfaithful.
Especially, as I spent all my savings
last week buying my engagement ring.
- Have I ever been unfaithful to you?
- No.
Have you ever caught me
with another woman?
Have you ever caught me,
when I've been out with you,
even looking at another woman?
- No.
- There you are then.
You've got nothing to worry about,
have you?
That is besides the point.
Remember, a penny saved
is a penny not spent.
What are you going on about?
Do not put all your balls in one basket.
That is what I am trying to say.
You see, if I caught you reclining
in the embrace of another woman,
do you know what I would do?
I would chop it off!
Look, you can trust me.
As soon as I find somewhere
I'll ring you, all right?
But I thought I was coming with you.
- What?
- Well, that's what we agreed.
- Yeah. Well, look, you go home...
- Yeah.
- And pack your things.
- Yeah.
- And then as soon as I find somewhere...
- Yeah.
- I'll see you later.
- Right.
I hadn't finished yet.
Tom? Tom? You about?
With you in a minute.
- Joe, how are things?
- Oh, not so bad.
Mind if I carry on?
- Busy, I see.
- Oh, not bad.
Still got your picture gallery, then.
You dirty old bastard.
Make good dart boards.
You should see how my aim's improved.
Here, pass that grease gun, will you?
- How's the cab business, then?
- Oh, mustn't grumble.
Thing is, I did want
to ask you a favour, mate.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
You know that flat you've got upstairs?
Yeah? What about it?
- Well, it's got two bedrooms, right?
- Just about. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, I've got this problem, see. Like,
I've got to find somewhere to live and,
well, seeing as how we're mates...
I mean, I'd help towards the rent and that.
Listen, Joe, anytime, you know that.
Unfortunately, it's not that simple.
If you'd asked me a couple of weeks ago,
no problem.
But the trouble is I've got a lady
living with me at the moment.
Don't tell me you need two beds.
You must be slipping.
No, no, no, it's not that.
Look, Joe, I'll be straight with you.
You know women.
You never know how they'll react.
I mean, well, Nikki's a nice lady, but...
- Well, she does work odd hours.
- Yeah?
Has its advantages, I suppose.
I wouldn't ask if I wasn't really desperate.
Just till I get something else fixed up.
All right, all right, just for a couple
of weeks till you find somewhere.
Is this a private party
or can anyone join in?
Hello. Talk of the devil.
I'll say this for Tom,
he certainly knows how to pick them.
Obviously a bit of class. Probably
an air hostess or something like that.
This is Nikki. She's a stripper.
You can't always be right, can you?
Joe's coming to stay with us for a while.
- Oh, nice. When?
- How about now?
You weren't kidding, were you?
I don't believe in hanging about
once me mind's made up.
You planning on staying long, then?
Just till I get myself sorted out,
find a nice little place to live.
Oh, if you hear of anywhere that's going,
not too expensive.
Yeah. Sure.
She fancies me. I can tell.
I could pull this one. Dead easy.
No problem.
I expect you're like me, work odd hours.
Yeah, I do a bit.
I suppose that means
we won't see a lot of each other, then.
Do you fancy a quick one before I go?
Oh. No, thanks.
Better get out and earn some money.
- Like me to drop you off?
- Yeah, great. Save me getting a cab.
I could definitely make it with her, but I
think I'd better put in a bit of hard graft,
earn meself some money.
Yes, that's what I'm going to
concentrate on for a bit, money.
- Nikki! Nikki!
- What?
Sand back, for God's sake. Stand back.
Why? What's happened?
It's a... In there.
- No, don't go any closer.
- No.
Don't be silly.
- But it's a...
- It's Monty.
Oh, don't touch it. They bite, you know.
They're poisonous!
Monty is a python and they don't bite.
Anyway, he wouldn't hurt anyone,
would you, Monty?
Are you trying to tell me...
- Is that thing yours?
- Well, of course it is.
And don't shout.
You'll upset him. He's very highly strung.
Well, what's he doing in my bath?
Where else could I put him?
Anyway, he likes it in the bath.
Keep that horrible thing away from me.
I'm telling you, you'll
have to get rid of it.
It's not staying here.
You'll have to get rid of it.
Get rid of it? I can't.
And even if I wanted to, which I don't,
- he's part of my act.
- Change your act.
Change my act?
Monty is a huge success
and you don't replace that in a hurry.
- Do you, darling?
- Oh, will you stop doing that?
Gives me the horrors, those beady
little eyes staring at me all the time.
I don't know why you're making such a fuss.
Give me his basket.
I don't know how you'd feel
if you found a snake in your bath.
I mean, I almost had a heart attack.
Are you sure that thing's
going to be safe in there?
Yes, of course he is.
Monty is very well behaved.
In you go. There we are.
- Hi, Gerry, Bill.
- Wotcha, Joe?
- Pick any winners, did you?
- No.
Oh, it's a mug's game, that.
You want to give it up, mate,
save your money.
- Hello, sexy.
- My money?
Might as well spend it on that
as anything else.
Better than throwing it away
on ruddy women all the time, like you.
What are you talking about?
I make them pay. That's the secret, mate.
Sex maniac, that's what you are.
You're just too old, mate,
that's your trouble.
Can't get it up any more.
From what I've heard,
you can't get yours down, mate.
- All part of me worldly charm, innit?
- Oh, that's what they call it, is it?
What's the matter with you, eh?
You forgotten what it's like?
He thinks he invented sex.
- Hello, Joe.
- Hello, Dora.
- Haven't seen you for a while.
- Been busy, ain't I?
Two dog rolls, two teas.
The way he carries on, I'm surprised
it ain't dropped off by now.
Go on. You're just jealous.
Like hell. You get to my age,
you've done it all, ain't you?
- I get to your age, I'll need to
have done. - Ah, get lost, mate.
You reckon that's all there is to this job,
don't you? Pulling birds.
What do you reckon it's all about, then?
You're all the bloody same.
Out on the road for a couple of years,
think you know it all.
- You'll find out.
- Yeah?
How's that dreadful brother of yours?
What? Peter? Dreadful.
- What do you fancy, then?
- What do you think?
- Give us a dog roll, will you?
- One dog roll.
He's going to get done one of these days,
the way he carries on.
More than likely.
Still, I shan't be there to see it.
Moved out. Couldn't stand it any longer.
Got me own place now.
- Moved in with Carol, have you?
- Not bloody likely.
Yeah? When are you going to
invite me round, then?
- Any time you like, darling.
- Well, I'm free tonight.
Funny you should say that. So am I.
- Pick you up about 7:00? Right?
- Right.
Joe, if I let you, you know...
You wouldn't think me cheap, would you?
Cheap? No, course not.
Drinking double gins all evening.
Course not. It's being emotionally honest.
What could be wrong with that?
Besides, with a fabulous figure
like you've got,
it'd be criminal to hide it away,
now, wouldn't it?
I'll tell you something, you've got
the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen.
Have I?
- I have dreams about them.
- You don't. Really?
I'll tell you something else, too,
they're even better with nothing on.
Oh, Joe...
Oh, Joe...
Oh, darling, you're fantastic.
But I haven't even got me trousers off yet.
Oh... Joe...
What a scene that was last night.
Makes you wonder
whether it's all worthwhile, doesn't it?
Just got to deliver this parcel.
Should be fairly straightforward.
I don't think I could take
any more excitement, not for a while.
Mrs Devere Barker? Parcel for you.
Mmm. Bring it in, would you?
Oh, if you'd just like to pop it down
over there.
I daren't touch it, you see. It's my nails.
- It's your what, love?
- Nails.
Tropical Green, number three.
Very exotic.
The second they're dry
I'll be able to pay you,
only I just daren't touch anything
while they're like this.
No, it's all right, you just stand there
and dry off.
- I'm in no hurry.
- Oh.
You wouldn't like a drink
while you're waiting, would you?
No, thanks, I'm driving.
But thanks all the same.
Not even a cold beer, something like that?
- Well, I wouldn't mind a beer actually.
- Oh, do help yourself.
Actually, darling, you couldn't do me
a large Campari and soda, could you,
while you're there?
- A large one?
- Yes, please.
- Say when.
- I never do.
Oh, be an angel, would you,
and just slip it between my lips?
Oh, the glass. Yes, of course.
- Sorry to put you to all this
inconvenience. - Don't mention it.
It's just I always seem to get caught out
when someone arrives.
Yesterday, it was the television repairman,
the day before it was the plumber
and as for the window cleaner,
well, every time he comes now,
- I seem to be in the bath.
- I see.
Oh, you wouldn't be an angel, would you,
and undo it for me?
It's for a dinner tonight.
My husband's in cement.
Oh? Must be uncomfortable for him.
It's a presentation dinner, you see,
so I thought I'd wear green
to go with my nail varnish.
- Very nice.
- Mmm.
Seems to be all right now.
You're not in a rush, are you?
It's just I'd like to try it on
to make sure it fits.
- No, no, of course not.
- Oh. Good.
Some gaff this, innit? Must cost a packet.
I bet she does and all.
Make yourself at home, won't you?
I shan't be long.
What about her, then? Bit of all right.
"Shan't be long. My husband's in cement."
Bloody hell.
Have you lost something?
Balls. They fell off.
Oh. Never mind.
You couldn't give me a hand with the zip,
could you?
It seems to be stuck
and I don't want to break a nail on it.
These birds and their zips.
- Jesus.
- It's a bit stiff.
It won't be the only thing
if she carries on like this.
Yeah, I see what you mean,
it is stuck, isn't it?
Maybe if you pull it?
That had crossed my mind.
- Have you done it?
- Yeah, I think so.
Oh. Seems a bit loose.
Oh. Look at that. Just look at it.
That's just so typical
of today's workmanship.
That's the last dress I
shall buy from there.
- Yeah, disgraceful.
- Now, what shall I do?
Well, it was the only thing I
could think of, wasn't it?
Another satisfied customer.
And the dress did fit after all.
Six pound!
I suppose I can't really ask her
for me fare now.
I promised that Nikki
I'd pick her up from the club.
Mustn't be late in case
she sets that snake on to me.
This is the one, I think.
How about it, then, guv?
Twelve beautiful girls, do everything.
All naked and they dance.
- Hey, where do you think you're going?
- Inside.
- Not without paying, you're not.
- I'm not going in, not to see the show.
- I'm just picking up Nikki, that's all.
- Yeah. You and a few others.
No, honest. I'm a cab driver.
Look, me cab's just outside.
It could be anyone's.
Look, if you think you're going to
gain admittance here without paying,
you've got another thing coming to you.
I'm telling you, I'm only here to collect
Nikki. I mean, do us a favour, mate.
I'll give you my licence number,
if you like. You can check it.
I know all the taxi drivers round
here, mate. I don't know your face.
Well, that's cause
I don't normally do this patch.
I'm only here to collect Nikki.
I live in the same flat as her, see?
You're not the one
who went to bed with Monty?
Oh, God! What?
By accident, was it?
Or did you need the help?
Go on.
Sorry, mate.
Joe, would you mind hanging on
just a minute?
I've just got to nip back and get Monty.
- No rush.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- What?
- You coming or not?
- If you're not quite ready, I don't mind.
- That's Helga.
- Oh?
You can put your eyeballs back in.
I've invited her for supper tonight.
Foreign, is she?
No. She's a nun from Scunthorpe. Come on.
- That was lovely, Nikki.
- Mmm.
- It was nothing special.
- I enjoyed it. Now what?
I've got some yoghurt in the fridge.
- No, I meant what shall we do now?
- You decide.
Why don't we play a game? Hmm?
What about strip poker?
Oh, come on, it might be fun.
What do you say, Tom?
- No. He doesn't want to play.
- Oh, come on. Just for a giggle.
- Got any cards?
- Cards? Er, no.
Well, how about spinning
the bottle instead? Hmm?
Well, I think I'll read my book.
We could always play strip ouija board,
if you'd prefer?
- Ouija board, what ouija board?
- No, let's spin the bottle.
I'll get it.
Where's Joe? I came to see him.
Oh, he's not in. He's out.
No. His taxi's here.
It's all right. He is expecting me.
Hello. I'm Carol. Carol Hotchkiss.
Joe's fiance.
I expect he's spoken of me.
Which is his room? That one?
Thank you, dear.
Carol! Listen, I can explain.
It's the third house along, on the right.
Number 42.
Right you are.
Do you want a hand with those?
Would you? Oh, thank you.
You can just put them down here.
Oh, that's all right.
I don't mind carrying them in for you.
That's very kind of you.
- I can't find my key.
- Are you sure?
- Perhaps it's in your bag, loose?
- I'll try.
It's not there.
- What about pockets?
- I haven't got any.
What am I going to do?
Perhaps you could go to a neighbour's
till your husband gets home.
He's away. On a business trip.
I can't even get hold of him.
Don't you have a spare somewhere?
- Yes, of course.
- Oh, well, then.
It's inside.
I thought you might have one
under a flower pot or something.
Harold, that's my husband,
Harold's nervous about burglars getting in.
All very well, but how do I get in?
I could try to climb in, I suppose.
But you'll have to help me.
You will, won't you?
I can't leave a lady in distress, can I?
Let's see if
there's a window open somewhere.
Oh, there won't be one of those.
Thank you.
You will be careful, won't you?
Safe as houses, darling.
Are you all right?
What's happened? Are you all right?
Say something, please.
What's happening up there?
I didn't know what had happened to you.
I called and called but you didn't answer.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I think so.
Look, you go down and
I'll open the front door.
I can't. I'm stuck.
What do you mean stuck?
Just go back down the way you came.
I can't. I daren't look down. I'll fall.
I'm frightened of heights.
Look, it's quite simple. If you can't
go down, you'd better come on up.
I can't move. I'm scared.
All right then, go back down
the way you came.
Help me.
All right. Now, don't panic. You're
quite safe. Just do as I say. Okay?
Now, put one hand on the next rung up.
Go on, one more.
Now the other one. Keep going. You're okay.
I'm watching you. Up a bit.
No, down, just a little.
Now, in towards the wall, that's it.
Go on, you're doing fine. Come on.
It's all right, you're nearly there.
That's it. Now, give me your hand. Lovely.
- I can't put my feet...
- Oh, you're doing wonderful.
There you go. You're there
- Through the window...
- Oh. Oh.
Oh. Oh, you're all wet.
I should have warned you.
- Oh, I'm sorry. I completely forgot.
- Yeah, well.
And of course, that's why
I left the window open,
to let the smell of paint out.
Oh, and look at your clothes.
They're covered in it.
Oh, you have to let me wash them for you,
you can't go out like that.
Oh, well, that's very nice of you to offer.
I think the least I can do
is clean your clothes
and give you a bath, don't you?
I do like huge bubbly ones, don't you?
- Yeah.
- That's about right, now.
- Oh, I can't wait to get in.
- Neither can I.
Bubbles make me go all tingly all over.
You as well?
Ooh, feels all lovely. All tingly.
What a way to go.
Marion, where are you?
Marion, you in the bath?
Ah! There you are.
Didn't you hear me shouting?
Oh, darling, what a lovely surprise.
I wasn't expecting you.
What a complete shambles. The whole trip.
Oh, you poor love.
Why don't you go downstairs,
put your feet up and pour yourself out
a nice long drink and I'll join you,
- you can tell me all about it.
- Well, there's nothing to tell.
The entire fiasco was predictable
from start to finish
and you know who's responsible, don't you?
- Well, I told them, I warned them.
- Yes, you did.
"You put Peters in as
Acting Managing Director
"and you've got nothing but trouble
on your hands, " I said.
He can't cope with responsibility,
he's got no initiative, runs a Ford Anglia
and doesn't play golf. You mark my words.
Well, I've been proved right yet again.
That's wonderful.
Now, why don't you just go downstairs...
It's frustrating. Well, it's insulting.
Oh, I quite agree. Now, why don't you
just let me finish my bath
and I'll be straight with you?
Yes, I... I could do with a drink.
- What was that?
- Nothing.
Just knocked the plug, that's all.
Oh, darling, can I get you anything?
- What?
- To drink.
- No, just go downstairs and I'll be...
- Marion, is it really necessary
to use all that much bubble bath?
You only bought this last week
and you've already finished it.
You really must be more careful in future.
I can't afford extravagance of this sort.
I mean, how you expect me
to raise your housekeeping allowance
in the face of such flagrant wastage,
I really don't know.
Really must pull yourself together, you
know. You're getting very careless lately.
Won't do, you know. No, won't do.
It's all right.
Marion, I meant to ask you, what on earth
have you been doing in the bedroom?
There's paint all over the place.
It's a terrible mess.
It's the decorators.
It was meant to be a surprise.
Surprise? I should think the only
surprise I'd get would be the bill.
Don't suppose you've thought
to get an estimate first?
- Oh, Harold...
- Never mind. Don't upset yourself.
I mean... No, I expect you...
You meant well, yes, like Peters.
He meant well, I expect.
Incompetent clodhopper,
but the Board listen? Would they listen?
Please, Harold, the water's getting cold.
Oh. Ah. Yes. Well...
Yes, well, you have your bath
and don't you worry about a thing.
No, it was a lovely surprise to find paint
all over the bedroom.
Yes, I think I do need a drink.
It's all right now. It's all right now.
I brought you a drink, darling.
I thought you might like one.
Oh, you mustn't stand about like that,
not with the window open.
Oh, no, no.
Catch your death.
- Sorry, mate, I'm not...
- St Mary's Convent, Upton Road.
Yeah, but...
Of all the rotten luck.
Anyone else but a nun.
I couldn't very well tell
her to eff off, could I?
I wonder if I could trouble you
to help me with my cases?
I thought I heard you come in.
It's costing me a bloody fortune
in jeans, this job.
- How come?
- I keep losing them.
By the way, your brother phoned
while you were out.
What, Peter?
He said something about having a lot
of television sets, did we need one.
- Bloody hell.
- Why? What's the matter?
If he phones up again, tell him...
I don't know, tell him
I've left the country, anything.
Why? You don't want to speak to him?
Not if I can avoid it.
I've got enough problems in me own life
without getting lumbered with him
and his thieving.
I may get into a few scrapes now and again
but that's one thing I've always stayed
well clear of, crime and all that.
You know what this is, buddy? It's a gun.
Just keep your mouth shut.
Do as you're told and you won't get hurt.
- Yeah, but...
- I said shut up and get going.
Make one wrong move
and you're dead. Understand?
Just stick to the driving,
keep your eyes on the road
and you and me will get along just fine.
Now, drive south and no funny business.
I know this town like I know my own face.
If you ask me, we should have
rubbed her out there and then.
Don't get no troubles with a stiff.
Nobody's asking you, so shut up!
Supposing her old man wants to talk to her.
Ain't nobody going to pay
no ransom for a stiff, dumb-head.
We got to keep her alive to get the dough.
Do you get it?
Yeah. Yeah, but she's already seen us,
so why bother with all this stuff?
So when we call up her old man, you want
her to tell him where we stashed her?
Get it through that thick skull of yours,
what she don't know, she can't tell. Okay?
Then we rub her out?
- Just stick to the road, pal, like I
told you. - Why don't we rub her out?
Shut that moron up, will you?
Do a right, now!
Listen, birdbrain, we don't snuff her
unless there's no other way.
- What if something goes wrong? - So
long as you follow orders, nothing will.
Take the next turning on the left.
And keep it real cool and steady.
I am going to do something.
Soon as I get the chance.
Bit difficult with a gun
pointing at my head, though.
Okay, buddy, turn left,
through those gates.
Keep going.
Further. That's it.
Now pull up.
Get that broad out of the cab.
Here, didn't we ought to rub him out, too?
I mean, what's to stop him
shooting his mouth off?
Okay, buddy. Out of the cab.
Nice and easy now.
No sudden moves or this baby goes off.
All right, buddy. Out of the cab.
Now, keep it cool.
Put your hands on your head.
Now, turn around.
Come on, turn around! Now get moving.
Turn around.
Get up.
Come on, hands against the wall.
Look. Come on, you can relax now.
Look at him, he fell for it.
I don't believe it. Look at his face.
I'm sorry if we scared you.
The whole thing was a joke.
You see, we were at this party...
And someone suggested that
we wouldn't dare try it in the street.
And that no cabbie would believe it.
So they bet us 20 quid to do it.
- No hard feelings?
- No hard feelings?
I've been losing fares
while you've been doing all this.
Oh, don't forget to get the paper signed.
Oh, yes. I almost forgot about that.
We had to bring back
some kind of proof that we actually did it.
Do you think you'd mind
signing your name to this bit of paper?
And if you could add your cab number,
that would be great.
Thanks, mate.
- Hello, Maisie.
- Hello, Joe.
Well, come on, love.
Don't be nervous, I won't bite it off.
- Where to, darling?
- Oh, the usual, love.
- What, round the block?
- Yeah, that'll do.
Just keep on driving.
I'll give you a yell when I'm finished.
- Right.
- Here, you heard about Glenda, didn't you?
Oh, sorry, love. Be with you in a minute.
- Glenda?
- Yeah. She married an Arab she picked up.
- I thought I hadn't seen her around.
- Yeah. An Arab.
- With oil wells and everything.
- No.
Mind you, it was only a matter of time
before she hooked some old geezer.
I'd never have thought that about her.
What, getting married?
Glenda? You're joking.
Every time she opened her mouth
a wedding bell popped out.
So how's business with you?
Oh, it's quietened down a bit
now the tourist season's over,
but I don't do so bad.
Tell you what, love, you get it out and start
practising and I'll join you in a minute.
Here, Joe, could I have this one on credit?
You know, I've just had
the electricity bill in...
Yeah, that's okay.
Oh, you are lovely.
I'll make it up next time, I promise.
Don't worry about it. It's my pleasure.
I'll tell you what,
I didn't half get a fright the other week.
I thought I'd caught a dose, didn't I?
All right. Don't worry.
You have a very nasty cough there.
You should get it seen to.
It might be serious.
That's the fourth one I've had
this week with a cold.
I only hope to God I don't go down with it.
That's my trouble, you know.
Anything that's going the rounds,
I seem to pick up.
Yeah, I had noticed.
Anyway, love, can't sit here chatting
all day. I've got to get back to work.
Oh, my God.
Something tells me
this could be my lucky night.
- Number 24, you said?
- Twenty-four. Yes.
Oh, a right little sex bomb, this one.
You can tell from that voice, can't you?
All husky and sexy.
I reckon this one'll need the smooth,
suave James Bond type chat-up.
You in the movies, then?
No, it's just that I thought
I recognised your face from somewhere.
I'd swear I'd seen you on the telly
or the pictures, somewhere like that.
- Possibly.
- I knew it.
I knew you were in show business.
Are you famous, then?
Well, if I was, you'd know who I am,
wouldn't you?
Yeah, well, I do, it's just that your name
escapes me for the moment. That's all.
Bunny McQueen.
Bunny McQueen. Of course.
How could I ever forget that?
Bunny McQueen? Oh, I get it.
Bunny. Must work at that Playboy Club.
One of those birds with long floppy ears,
all dressed up like rabbits.
Yeah, probably been
in that Playboy magazine.
You know. Playmate of the Month?
I bet if I looked, I'd find a picture
of you on Tom's garage wall.
- Who's Tom?
- Oh, he's a guy I live with.
- Is he nice?
- Yeah, he's all right.
Not as nice as you, though.
She fancies me, don't she?
I'm in here if I play me cards right.
Make yourself at home.
Sit down. Relax.
I should sit over there if I were you.
It's more comfortable.
I'll just get the wine.
- Here we are.
- Well, here we are then.
- Have you been together long?
- What?
- This boy you live with.
- Oh, Tom. No, just a few weeks.
Well, we've known each other
for a couple of years now.
But we've only been living together
a short time.
He's not going to get jealous,
if he comes back and finds me here?
No, probably fancy you himself.
Oh, let me.
Must need a new flint.
Hang on, I've got some matches somewhere.
Sorry about that.
That's a really great
outfit you're wearing.
Oh, do you like it?
I design all my own clothes.
Yeah, well, it looks terrific.
I suppose I shouldn't really
be wearing it now,
but after I finish work I
just want to get away.
I can't be bothered to change.
Oh, no, you mustn't change.
I mean, you look great as you are.
A real turn-on. Honest.
It's a tough one, this.
Do you want me to do it?
No, no. It's all right. I'll
get it out in a minute.
Come on. Why don't you let me try?
No, you'll never do it.
- Have you got the glasses ready?
- What? Oh, yeah.
Sorry, we're a bit short on glasses.
Well, this is very nice.
Thank you.
I think you're very nice.
You comfortable, are you?
Mmm. Thank you.
I think you're really something.
Really, I do.
I hope you won't mind if I say this, but...
I think you've got the most
beautifully shaped breasts I've ever seen.
- Really beautiful.
- Yes. Yes, they're much better now.
Mind you, they cost me a fortune.
So, um, why don't we give them
a little air to breathe, eh?
You've got lovely legs
and all, really lovely.
I have to shave them, of course.
Bloody hell!
- What's the matter?
- You!
- You're a fella!
- But of course I am.
What did you think I was?
I wonder if I could have him
under the Trades Descriptions Act?
- Christ almighty!
- Get going, mister, fast.
- Where to?
- Never mind now, just drive.
Help. Help, I've been robbed!
Must have gone to the same party.
Still, tenner a time, I should care.
- I'll play the game.
- Can't you go any faster?
I'm doing my best but watch out
for the law. I don't want to get done.
We'll take care of that. Just drive. Left.
Christ almighty,
you might give me some warning.
All cars west.
Robbery in Praed Street.
Your attention is called
to a black London taxi,
believed to contain suspects.
1505, over.
What do we do, stop them all?
Turn right. Just where that van is.
Wouldn't it be easier if you told me
where we're making for?
We're going to have an
accident at this rate.
Look, I'm giving the orders round here,
so shut up and keep driving.
I suppose they've got to come on heavy,
otherwise it wouldn't count.
I wonder when they get round
to the bit about doing me in?
Not as good as the last lot.
Much more realistic, they were.
Are we being followed?
- Don't think so.
- That's all right.
Going in the opposite direction.
It's all clear.
He could drop us off at the end here.
Are you kidding'? He's coming with us.
We may need a hostage.
Look, mate, why don't I just drop you here
like your mate suggested?
I can sign your paper
and you can be on your way.
I just think it'd save us all
a lot of time, that's all.
- What paper? What are you talking about?
- You know, for your mates.
"I hereby declare I've done
the dreadful deed" and all that rubbish.
I won't tell them I cottoned on.
Listen. Just shut up and keep driving.
Come on, don't let's get carried away.
A joke's a joke,
but I keep losing business doing this lark.
That won't be the only thing
you'll lose, you don't belt up.
Look, fair's fair, but you go too far.
I'm not going to sign your paper,
I'm warning you, so watch your step.
- Now, see here...
- Left. Sharp left!
Hang about. What's all this then?
Go right down the end to the garage,
drive right in.
- Oh, I get it, I get it.
- You will if you don't belt up.
It's bleeding Tom, innit?
I mean, I told him about the other kidnap
and he thought...
Very funny!
- What are you doing here?
- You should know.
What a bloody prank.
Look, it's costing me money, this game.
- You know him?
- Course he bloody knows me.
- I live here, don't I?
- What happened?
- Where's the car? - Parked on a
double yellow line, didn't he?
We do the job, come rushing out
with the stuff,
there's our getaway car
being done for parking.
Had to come back by a cab.
And of all the cabs in London,
you had to pick...
Oh, no.
I still say we can't trust him.
I'm telling you he's a mate.
He's not going to shop us.
- I won't. I won't.
- And I say we shouldn't chance it.
Look, I'm not going to say anything.
As far as I'm concerned, it never happened.
I don't know nothing about it.
See? I'll guarantee him. Now, don't worry.
- Don't worry?
- How much do you think I'm worth?
Now look, Nikki, we haven't got time
for all that, love. Take them off, please?
I knew I'd look good in expensive things.
Yeah, you look lovely. Now get them off.
Right, well, if you've all finished with
me, I think I'd better get back to work.
Sit down. You ain't going anywhere.
- Yeah, well, I just thought...
- Well, don't.
- You expecting anyone?
- It's all right. It's not the law.
And I thought taxi driving was a strain.
Right, let's get this stuff away somewhere.
It's making me nervous
lying around the place.
Yeah, where are you going to put it?
I know a place where no one'll look. Nikki?
Oh, come here, Monty.
- Christ almighty!
- Hello, what are you doing here?
- You two know each other?
- Yeah, he's my brother, isn't he?
- Bloody hell, what's that?
- A hippopotamus.
What are you doing mixed up in all this?
I'm in the big time now, aren't I?
I don't believe it. I
just don't believe it.
I was driving the getaway car,
wasn't I?
Oh, yeah, parked on a double yellow line.
I've done it before
and never got nicked.
So tell us what happened.
Nothing happened, I got a bollocking.
You lot came running out of the shop
with the stuff.
Well, the copper, he forgot about me,
so I drove off.
Yeah. We should have been with you.
It looks like you managed
to pick up a cab all right, don't it?
Little bleeder. I ought to do you.
I saw what happened.
Didn't know it was Joe driving it, though.
How much did he charge you?
- You think you're very funny, don't you?
- Come on, Harry, lay off.
How do we know he wasn't followed?
Bloody amateur, coming straight back here.
So what else was I supposed to do?
It wasn't me they were following.
Yeah, well, any more cheek
and I'll lay one on you so hard
my fist'll come out the back of your head.
Take it easy, Harry, yeah?
The kid didn't mean nothing.
Just let it rest, okay?
Trouble is, my friends, what do we do now?
I mean, for all we know,
they might have taken Joe's number.
For all we know, they might be on the way
round here right now.
Taken my number?
That's great, that is.
That's really landed me in it.
Tom's right. We ought to split
before they get on to us.
Yeah, we'll meet up tomorrow
like we planned.
Too late, they're here.
- Can't see anyone.
- Well, it's not ringing on its own.
Who is it?
If nobody makes a sound,
perhaps they'll go away.
Look, maybe you'd better go
and see who it is.
- What?
- Do you want me to go?
You stay right where you are. Yeah. Go on.
It's no use hiding.
I know you're in there, Joe North.
Bloody hell, that's all I need.
Answer this door
or I'll scream the place down.
You let me in or I'm warning you,
I'll get the police to knock the door in.
- Oh, Carol.
- You took your time, didn't you?
- Where is he?
- Who?
Oh, Joe.
Who did you think I meant? Mickey Mouse?
- He's out. Working.
- What? When his taxi's here?
What's he driving? Horse and cart?
His taxi's not here. He's out in it.
Really. Well, I have just bumped into
the tall lady from Number 3,
with the toy poodle and the blue rinse.
And according to her, Joe's taxi
drove into your garage 10 minutes ago.
So unless it's gone straight through
your back wall, it's still here, innit?
Well, you see, I wouldn't know about that,
'cause I was asleep.
He's up there, isn't he?
He's up there with another bloody bird!
- Joe, get rid of her.
- What am I supposed to do?
If I find you in a compromising position
with your knickers down, I'll...
- Didn't know you had company.
- Hello, Carol.
I just came to tell you that I've forgiven you.
For what you was doing last time I saw you.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yes.
I've thought it over very carefully
and I decided that what you did
was a moment of weakness on your behalf,
so I have forgiven you.
- Great.
- I thought you'd be pleased.
- Yeah. Great.
- Well,
aren't you going to introduce me
to your friends?
Oh. Yes. This is Peter.
Yes, I know Peter, and Tom,
and that Nikki as well.
And this is Jeremy.
Terribly pleased to meet you.
- And Rupert.
- Pleased to meet you.
I'm Joe's fiance. Carol Hotchkiss.
Actually, Harry, Bernard and Jim
were just about to leave.
Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, we're going.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Bye, Rupert.
Nice to have met you.
What did you say they do for a living?
- Insurance.
- Antiques.
- Banking.
- Computers.
What is going on?
What do you mean? Nothing. Why?
Is there something
I'm not supposed to know about?
It's just that I get the impression...
- I mean, what's he doing here for a start?
- Just come to see my brother, haven't I?
You've got someone here, haven't you?
Another woman,
another naked tart in the bedroom.
Oh, for God's sake. Look, there's
no one here but us, that's all.
- How am I supposed to know that?
- Well, you've just got a suspicious mind.
That's your trouble.
You're worse than the CIA, into everything.
If I caught you with another woman,
Joe North,
so help me, I would kill you, I would.
Especially after I've forgiven you
for your misdemeanour.
Listen, darling, you know
you're the only girl in the world for me.
It's just that... I've learnt my lesson.
Come on, let's go down the pub
and have a drink, eh?
- Do you really mean that?
- Yes, I'm thirsty. I could do with one.
No. About me being
the only girl in the world.
Course I do. Come on.
Oh, well, don't push me, all right?
I mean, the pubs aren't even open yet.
- So? We can wait.
- Which one did you want to go to?
Oh, any one...
Thank God for that.
Good day, sir. Madam.
Going somewhere, were we?
- Who are you?
- Do you mind if we step inside, sir?
- What did you want?
- If you don't mind, sir?
- No, you see, we were just on our way out.
- I had noticed.
Yes, we were waiting till the pubs opened.
Inspector Rogers, CID.
- And this is Sergeant Jeeves.
- Afternoon, all.
I rather thought you might be able
to help us with our enquiries.
Oh, what's been happening?
Oi! You got a search warrant?
Why? You hiding something?
You're with him. And you're with him.
So? Who are you with?
Joe, what's this all about?
You're a bit young to be
in this sort of league, aren't you?
I didn't know there was an age limit.
Look, what are we supposed
to be helping his enquiries with?
Carol, love.
It's to do with sex, isn't it?
You've been having orgies up here,
haven't you? That's what it is, isn't it?
- Orgies.
- No, ma'am.
Well, it must be something like that.
I mean, if Joe's anything to do with it,
it must be sexy.
You've got a one-track mind, you have.
All right, if it's not
orgies, what is it then?
You might say it's a little treasure hunt.
Joe, what have you got yourself
mixed up with now?
- Nothing.
- I bet you have.
Especially if there's a woman involved.
- Listen, there's nothing up here.
- Not according to your two friends.
We've got them outside,
- picked them up a few minutes ago.
- What two friends?
We know all about your little caper
at the jewellers.
I'm sorry, I really don't know
what you're talking about.
Why don't you just come clean?
Your friends have.
Found any little trinkets yet?
Not yet, sir.
You're not going to find anything here.
We'll see. Life's full of little surprises,
isn't it?
Jesus Christ!
I'm sorry, sir, I didn't mean to shout,
it's just there's a bloody snake in there.
That is Monty.
He is my speciality and
he's very highly strung.
Please don't upset him.
He's got a performance tonight.
- There's nothing there, sir.
- Told you.
Here, I've just realised,
you're looking for stolen property.
Carol, why don't you belt up?
But the cheek of it. I mean,
coming in here and searching this place
like we were all criminals.
No, you tell him, Joe. Go on, tell him.
Carol, Carol will you shut up, Carol?
Go on. Go on, tell him.
Ask to see his search warrant.
Go on. Ask. Ask.
Go on. Go on.
If you don't ask,
I shall never speak to you again,
even though I have forgiven you.
Have you got something to say, then?
- Well, um, Inspector...
- Go on, go on, tell him to get out.
Yes, um...
And tell him to apologise.
Tell him you know your rights.
Tell him you'll sue him for libel
if he don't apologise.
She'll get me jailed for life.
Go on, Joe, tell him. Joe is my fiance.
Well, um, Inspector, as you don't appear
to have found anything...
That's right. Really lay it on him.
I suggest we, um, call it a day.
- Don't you?
- That's a bit pathetic, innit?
- Carol!
- Well, I mean, he's just called us
a bunch of criminals.
We could sue him for that.
Excuse me, ma'am,
I haven't called any of you criminals
Oh, yes, you did. I heard you.
You said we had stolen goods.
What sort of people do you think we are?
Accusing us of being criminals.
We are respectable.
I have never done anything criminal
in my life. I work in a supermarket.
- Nikki.
- And as for Joe. Well, he's a taxi driver
and Peter is, well...
And as for Tom, well, you could hardly
call him a criminal. He's a mechanic.
- Nikki...
- And Nikki,
- well, she's respectable.
- She's a stripper. - Nikki!
And so the last thing you could ever find
in this place would be stolen property.
Just been visiting Tom. Poor bastard.
Got five years. Him and his mates.
I thought I was going to go down myself
at one point.
But as I explained to them,
I was a victim of the circumstances.
And they let me off with a caution.
Mind you, I think they were glad to see
the back of me,
'cause Carol was pestering
the life out of them.
Nikki got out of it all right. Probation.
First offence.
Tom's asked me
to keep an eye on her for him.
That's a favour I shan't mind doing.
Lost me a lot of time, though,
all this business with the law.
Lost me a place to live and all.
Guess where I've ended up?
Nothing like
home cooking, is there?
Not like your home cooking, there isn't.
Carol rang up. Said she'd be round at 6:00.
You were taking her out.
Oh, yeah. That's really lumbered me
in it, that has.
I suppose the only good thing
that's come out of this is you.
Getting off on probation.
Really shook you up,
that brush with the law.
Good thing, too.
Turned over a new leaf, you have.
You still eat anything that
lies still on a plate though, don't you?
So, you've learnt your lesson.
I'm glad to see it.
Good to see you going straight.
Well, I'm off. Where's my fares book?
Bloody hell!
Here, don't you bloody swear in front
of the baby. Teaches her bad habits.
Hello, darling.
Which bridge do you want this time?
Post Office Tower, please.