Adventures of the Naked Umbrella (2023) Movie Script

You got it Sammy boy.
That's it, eyes on the fire.
Make your daddy proud boy.
Make sure you throw it far
enough in the pen, so we don't
That's it, Sam. Eyes on the
Ain't nothing to it, but to do
[MUSIC] I told you so
Remember when I told you
about 911
Remember when I told you
about 911
Remember when I told you
about Building 7
Remember when I told you
about the flouride in the water

Yes I did
Remember when I told you
about the new world order
Remember that?
Remember when I told you
about the chemtrails in the sky

Remember when I told you that
NASA was full of lies
Remember when I told you
about the ultra mind control
Well I just wanna say that I
told you so
I told you so
Nah nah nah nah nah
I told you so. Nah nah nah
nah nah
Calling all earthlings.
Calling all spooks.
Calling all patriots and deep
Calling all commies and vegans
and teabaggers.
We are-
Back up and running, yeah, now
listen up folks, listen up.
All possible apologies for that
little ah,
missing time experience
when the power went out on my
podcast just now.
The good news is I am here to
tell all of yous is that I am
And, I was not a abducted by
Heyo! And as such my, shall we
say my dainty little anus,
appears to remainus,
gloriously unprobed.
Unprobed to date folks.
Now, it is T-minus , twenty
nine hours til Christmas
A little after, 7 p.m. Pacific
Standardized time,
which means it is time.
Time, time, time to listen up.
Listeners, so listen up
We still got a whole, whole,
whole lot left to cover
Number one.
We got the latest tasty
dispatches from guess who?
Guess who, I'll give you a
I'm rhymes with the Central
Non-Intelligence Agency.
That's right, our government's
very own, say it with me now.
C.I. of A-Holes.
I really, truly thought them
spooks finally got me this
but lo and behold, would you
believe I
just forgot to gas up my
goddamn genny!
Our Lord and Savior is right
here in spittin' distance.
I'm sorry, baby, that is my
bad, but listen, you know,
I'm doing a show in here and
the show involves a microphone.
People can hear you and stuff.
I love you, but...
Hush up.
Who am I, you ask?
The Naked Umbrella himself!
And I'm comin to you live from
the salty
shores of the mighty Salton Sea
my little slice of Hades.
I got a fire burnin in my belly
tonight, and by the way,
just in case my parole officer
happens to be listening right
that right back there was just
innocent little metaphor,
What do you say we get back to
it, as my daddy used to say-
Ain't nothin' to...
Ain't nothin' to it but to do
50 years and three, count them
pandemics later, endless
are strippin all the innocent
survivors of all their
remaining wealth.
We are practically begging to
be chipped.
Well, hello there, 5G.
We are gonna need to rise up.
There is an intergalactic-ass
a comin, and I will be damned
if I'm gonna get caught with
other shhh-
shit-ton of toilet paper this
That's not very Christmasy!
Oh, Mr. Kringle if you're
Please do not forget the lube
(laughing) I ain't squeezing
down no chimney.
Now you know I ain't that slim.
Big Red is comin', baby.
And he's lookin' for some trim.
Big Red is comin'.
Big Red is comin'.
Santa got a brand new bag of
Christmas toys.
Hello, ladies.
Merry Christmas Buzz.
You girls gonna sing our song
Lookin' forward to it.
Highlight of my year.
Is Yolanda still here?
Oh, yeah. She's in the office.
You make the nice list this
year, Buzz?
Not since Nixon, Dodie.
Not since Nixon.
Podcast- We've all known that
Aliens are real
Podcast- Since the Roswell
Crash of 1947
Hey, I brought you some-
[Poscast rant continues in the
Who is he?
One of my parolees.
Brought you some Nog,
With a little nip.
[Podcast- Pathogen-laced
chemtrails have sickened ...]
You buy this crap, Johnson?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you tryin' to kill me,
Oh, my God. I gave you the
wrong one.
That's the one with the nip?
Mine has the full titty.
Podcast- I like to call the
Flat Earth.
That boy's wackier than a soup
What's he in for?
Burnin' down 5G cell towers.
This time.
This time?
He's got a little thing for
He's got a good heart.
Good heart don't fix a bad
You coming to our little soire
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't be a humbug.
Tammy's bout ready to pop and
she'll never let me out of the
house again.
I'll finish my case reports and
stop by.
Stop by.
That's the spirit.
I guess I'll see you tonight.
I'm gonna be dressed as Santa.
You may not recognize me.
[Podcast- 40% off on all
Granny's natural remedies,]
Cures everything from pimples
to pandemics.
Folks, I am just about to tell
all y'all
what really truly happened to
the Black Momba.
Hold up.
Damn it.
Really Samson?
You better just wash that
filthy guy whole out.
Wash it for ya.
I'm sorry.
Damn it.
Everything seems to be working
against me tonight.
You need to stop cursing the
Lord and start praying.
It's not rocket Scientology.
Might as well let Jesus take
the wheel.
You know, you would make such a
fine preacher.
Oh, thank you, baby.
You know, I told you before, I
sincerely believe that Mr.
Jesus wouldn't know how to
drive a stick, baby.
No, no, think about it, they
didn't even have
Cars back in old fashioned
bible-times sweetheart.
fashioned Bible times,
You kill me.
Get away.
Hey, will you please take Kevin
out for a potty.
He hasn't gone since--
Yes, ma'am.
Kevin, come on.
Let's go drain the main vein.
Come on, Kevin.
Where are you at?
Check under the sink sometimes.
He's not under the damn sink!
You know what I'm saying,
The last thing you want is
Jesus Christ to
takin the wheel and crashin the
car and getting
himself arrested for vehicular
homicide man.
Imagine that PR nightmare.
Oh, Kevin, I'm telling you,
people, just
do not think about these things
that you and
I think about, little boy.
Now, you go get yourself a
Daddy's going to go fix the
stupid genny.
What are you staring at, bird
Oh, didn't have cars back then.
Oh, Sammy.
Sure are a panty dropper
Hey, I know you're out there,
you damn spooks.
You think you can take me out
that easy?
Oh, yeah!
I got three more where this
fucker came from
The truth will not be thwarted.
Tyranny will not be tolerated.
[music playing]
[music playing]
[music playing]
There's a fire burning in my
heart this Christmas.
Where snowflakes fall like
angels from the sky.
Faces filled with glee around
the Christmas tree.
The broken record memory of a
place I'll never see.
There's a sweet refrain in
every yuletide carol.
[music playing]
Who in the heck are you yelling
Look at me, I'm a crispy
My hair!
Listen, you know what this is
right here?
This right here is CIA hit job
written all over it.
All over it.
CIA what?
Yeah, CIA.
They're probably watching us.
They're probably watching us
right now.
Noone's watching us, Samson.
Baby, have you looked around?
And have you taken your meds
CIA hit job.
They got blowed up, baby.
I know what you're thinking.
Well I won't be sliding down
the chimney
Hell no.
I don't want to be slapped down
when she's a piggy.
I don't want to be slapped down
when she's a piggy.
Or sneaking 'round the bush.
I got someting very special
this Cristmas
So why don't you plant your
[inaudible] Charlie Curtin.
Officer Johnson.
The quarantine's over.
I thought you were coming back
to work?
I am.
What is that on your face?
Called a beard.
I kind of like it.
Why, thank you.
It's good to see you, Yolonda.
Good to see you, too.
How you doing, Charlie?
It's a bit of a shit year with
extra shit sauce.
I'm looking to put it behind
Well, getting back to work is a
good idea.
Fresh start to the new year.
That shit'll kill you, though.
Well, rumor has it none of us
get out of here alive, so-
If I haven't said it, I'm
really sorry.
I can't imagine.
[music playing]
Come on.
Your police escort has arrived.
I'm gonna need a stiff drink.
[music playing]
I'm going to hit the bar once
you pull in.
I'll have a Proseco.
[music playing]
[music playing]
Yeah, great job.
Come on, get in here.
You made it.
I'll sing it again, though.
Don't worry.
Hey, I wasn't doing nothing.
Oh, fuck.
What's happening?
She's stealing the wallpaper
No i ain't.
Law enforcement soire is not
the idealist of times, Randi.
I'll bet you 100 bucks he gives
her money again.
No, he knows better.
You're on.
You take any benzos today?
I ain't stupid.
Tammy, is the bunkhouse open?
This is for Kevin.
Hey, he would do it for you,
Come here.
Come on.
Dear Heavenly Father.
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Oh, you scared the pig shit out
of me, little boy.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
As if Jesus didn't have
better to do at this time of
He took the time to listen to
our prayer,
and that's how you say gracias?
Baby, Jesus ain't Santa Claus.
I'm sorry.
You need to get right with God.
Right here. Right now.
You're right, baby, but here's
the thing.
Prior to me getting myself
right, we need to get ourselves
Well, for starters, baby, the
house burned down,
and I'm a pyromaniac thrice
That's wrong.
You are a convicted arsonist.
Pyromania is not a crime.
It's a condition.
Here, Kevin.
Listen, I gotta get back online
and get the word out.
What word?
Word about the fact that we've
been set the fuck up, baby.
I'd say we better get to
She is off her tree.
Oh, baby, she's got a little
sugar in her tank,
but she ain't crazy.
Oh, really?
Yeah, I'm very worried she
to off me with the rocket
Yeah, and that's why she sold
It was just too much firepower
a woman her size and to her
I think she realized that.
Where's your drink?
You should be chugging her.
It's on the way.
These pills will knock you out.
Sleep in the bunkhouse tonight.
Tomorrow, when we wake up,
Tammy will make you something
to eat.
I need a proseco too.
This is more money than plus
spent on my entire Christmas
Well, from what I hear,
Santa's got a package.
Indeed he does.
One Bombay proseco.
Thanks. Hey.
You're a good man taking care
of Randy like that.
I don't want to see a fuck-up
her life with that shit.
And Amy... Amy really loved
her, so...
Thanks, Tammy.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
No, he gave the money to Tammy.
But, uh, but Tammy is a her.
They did give the money to her.
No, I...
Meaning Tammy.
A hundred bucks says he gives
the girl money.
That's the bet I made.
Tammy's a girl.
Would you stop being a shady
That's not a good look.
All right.
Well, I don't have any pockets
or underwear.
I can't pay anything, now.
What's the bet?
This is beer.
And this is Bombay Beach, now
Okay, y'all need to get a new
Well, maybe you need to get a
new hobby.
What? You think I'm banging
Are you?
Oh, Jesus.
I mean, you know, we all pay
for it, I'm aware of it.
we all pay for it, one way or
She was Amy's babysitter
for Christ sakes.
Let's rock and roll. You don't
like it?
Gimme Rick James!
Come on, let's do it.
Let's do the freak.
Hard pass.
All right, he's all in there
Snugg is a pig in a poke.
That doesn't sound very good.
Is that battery dead?
That would most certainly be a
possibility, baby.
It's probably the solenoid.
Stupid solenoid.
They tend to wear out at this
[Frustrated noises]
Feel better?
I can't say it like I do.
Ooh, maybe your CIA spooks
could bring us some
jumper cables from here on
so we can get out of here.
Ah, ah, for crying out loud,
Would you please just shahush
You say those wedding vows to
me right here, right now.
To rhythm and blues you and
endlessly amuse you.
To shock and awe you and
Gavin Degraw you.
To challenge you and push you
never ever to shahush you.
I pronounce you, person and
You may kiss the person.
Do you know what you are?
You are the most beautiful,
gorgeous genius.
It's about daytime.
We can take Disco Inferno.
What? No.
We're not doing Burning Man
Because that's a trigger.
A trigger?
Oh, I see. And what, somehow
that ain't a trigger.
You wait right here.
Sam. Sammy.
I'm just second.
Playin with fire.
Make it quick.
All right.
She started right up baby!
I said she started right up!
Can you just dip the disco a
gnat's hair?
No can do baby,
She's hardwired in.
Over the river and through the
What do you say?
Lightning from the sky
The sparks will fly when we hit
the ground
Turn the flame on high
We're gonna burn the house down
Disco Explosion.
Let it burn, burn, burn, burn,
burn, child.
Disco Explosion!
Let the wheels of steal
Turn turn turn turn, turn on!
Dance with the people, y'all
Baby your phone's buzzing.
Smokin hot!
I hate that fucking song!
I could have just turned it off
for ya!
Granny, remember Irene?
You met Kevin.
I ain't playing your weird
little games.
And those things ain't kosher.
Yeah, well you ain't exactly
Hebrew, Granny.
Are you off your meds again?
No, I am not.
Swine stays outside or hits the
Choose your pain.
Disco explosion.
Little on the nose, ain't it?
Siri, call Wanoutsky.
Your call has been forwarded to
automated voice messaging
Hey Yo.
Is not available.
At the tone, please record.
Sam, what have you done?
Why not just skip past the
grab-assin' and tell your
Granny what's burnin'?
Now why do you always gotta
assume somethin' is burnin'?
Well, besides the fact you
smell like a dumpster fire.
You're a pyro, skipper.
You love your fire just like
your daddy loved the Klan.
He's in recovery.
Hey, hey, man, he's okay.
Listen, Granny, I told you.
I don't like it when you
conjurin negatives,
especially negatives pertaining
to my daddy.
-Cover your ears. -No, Granny,
you need to stop.
-I said cover your ears. -Oh,
no, Granny.
-Kevin! -What the fuck?
So tired of them damn
chicken-stealing coyotes.
What the hell?
Wasn't white enough, huh?
What can I say? I'm a cop.
Don't kid yourself. You hated
that party as much as I did.
Who's place?
One of my parolees.
God, this is what I get for
fearin' the worst.
-You fall for your parolee,
Johnson? -No.
I mean, we were cool.
At least I had thought we were.
You are a cop.
Boot marks all over the place.
See how the boot marks disturb
the ash?
That means they happened after
the explosion.
-Explosion? -Yup.
Well, at least they ain't
wearin' hoods.
It's him.
Hey there, yo. It's Sam. I saw
you called?
What's goin' on? I was
earlier and, um, you went dark.
Yeah, that was the damnedest
thing the genny died on me
You know, Murphy's Law, right?
I guess.
Dying to hear more about this
black mamba story.
Yeah, that--huh. That story
ain't to be believed.
So you're just--
Sittin' in the dark? No power?
Well, not exactly.
We went over to my granny's,
you see, and--
You stupid motherfucker!
Hey, hey.
Granny, what are you doing?
Hey, yo. Hold on. -Sam?
I dropped the--ow, granny.
Hey, you knock it off now.
- Sam, are you okay?
I just dropped the phone, yo.
Yeah, sure. Hey, hello.
I'm here. I'm here.
Sorry? Hello?
Yeah? I'm here.
Yeah, there you are. You're
there. Hi, sorry.
My fingers--I just--I was
eatin' some ribs, and I--
Uh, my fingers got greasy.
Hey. You knock it off, granny.
Sam, are we good?
You're the fuck out!
You and me?
Are we good?
Hell, yeah, yo. You're my girl.
Can you just lose the jive talk
and keep it real with me?
Oh, oh, oh, hey. Listen,
I'm so sorry, Yolanda. I didn't
mean to offend you.
Listen, I know you're my P.O.
and all, but the truth is,
there ain't no one who ever
stuck their neck out for me
like you did.
I got three friends in this
Reney, Kevin, and you, Yo.
And Granny, of course.
Grand total of four.
Remember, your drug test has
moved to the third for the
Don't forget.
I wont.
Hey, yo.
Merry Christmas. I'll talk to
you later. Take care.
He says his genny blew, so he
went to his grannys.
I'm hungry.
Granny, what you got to eat?
Didn't you just have ribs?
Hey, Granny, you mind if I set
up here at your place
and finish my show? I've got to
get back.
Hell, no, no, no, no.
Skipper, you got a mosey.
I got a house full of K, MDMA,
and a few other acronyms I
don't fully recognize.
What in the world are you doing
hoardin all that contraband?
Festival season is coming, you
dumb hillbilly.
Granny, what about all that
homeopathic shit you've been
What about that?
Still for sale.
You needin' any lavender root?
Granny, I've been hawking all
your shit to all my listeners.
All 17 of them.
Granny, I'm a felon.
And now you're...
You're trying to tell me you're
a drug dealer?
And now, thanks to you,
this drug dealer's about to
have the feds all up in her
Oh, that's just nasty, Granny.
Oh, man.
How am I supposed to go?
I don't know.
But if you stay here, we'll
both go to the pokey.
Reney buckle up, Kevin! We got
a jet!
Dang ready baby.
Plugged in, but it's cold.
Still warm.
Burned ozone.
What's that mean?
Usually an electrical short.
I gotta get the ATF out here,
get an investigation started.
I need to find him before
anybody else does.
He's never lied to my face.
I'll be able to tell if he did
this or not.
It's Curtain. I need the ATF.
I got Grandma's address just
like five miles away,
so I'm gonna head over there.
No, get in. I'll drive.
Well, it's a hell of a lot more
interesting than a Hallmark
All right.
What? She don't treat you
That's what.
Yeah, you're right.
But Granny took me and went
ahead and nobody. No?
Yeah, baby?
We need a plan.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look at that.
You see that?
Sam, did you hear me?
What in the...
Look look look, there it is
See what?
See it?
What, that airplane right
there, Sam?
Yeah, I see an airplane.
No, no, that ain't no airplane.
The airplane's so flat like
that, baby.
I think that's...
We need some help, and I know
somebody that can help us.
Yeah, let me guess, the Lord
Is that right, baby?
Yes, but I was thinking
something a little bit more
Baby, I think that thing is
following us.
What are you doing now?
I'm signaling it baby.
Jumpin Jupiter Wanoutsky
I thought we was on the lam?!
We are, baby, we are.
I know a place that we can hide
Oh, baby, it answered me you
see that?
Look, right here.
We'd be safe there.
What, baby, what?
I know a place that we can hide
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
I am not about to drive all the
way back to Alabama, woman.
We just got back, and I am
still nursing what?
5.9540 North.
You're something else.
115.0811 West.
Baby, grab the map.
Get the map, please.
Hurry, hurry.
Grab the little ruler, too,
Thank you.
Come on, baby.
Oh, that was fast.
Look at the seat.
Well it was right there.
And that brings us to..
115 west.
Glamis Algodones Dunes.
So you gonna tell me why you're
sticking your neck out for this
Day after my 13th birthday, I
saw a flying saucer.
That is not how I expected that
story to start.
I was walking home after
volleyball practice,
and it was just starting to get
And this...
flying disc just...
swoops down and hovers directly
over me.
Totally silent.
Come on.
Hand the God.
What did you do?
I screamed.
I ran.
I peed myself a little bit,
So, fast forward to last year,
I'm assigned an old client.
It's a repeat offender.
Mr. White Christmas.
And if you know me, you know I
do not like to fail.
I'm gonna rehabilitate him
this time if he freaking kills
Oh, then I get hit with the
And luckily, he has this weird
little podcast,
and so I can keep tabs on him
while I'm laying there, dying.
This is funny.
When Amy got it, I used to stay
up with her
to keep her comfortable at
That fucking fever.
And I wouldn't want to put the
TV on
I didn't want to keep her
so I started listening to
podcasts with my headphones in
to occupy my mind.
That's just funny how we were
doing the same thing
at the same time.
You all right?
You know, you forgive yourself
for some things.
Bringing that shit home to my
baby girl, not so much.
Anyway, what was your, uh, your
guys' podcast about?
Oh, yeah, so that's the crazy
UFOs and all kinds of
conspiracy theories.
May I-- [laughs]
I cannot get enough of it.
You're not talking about that
naked umbrella guy, are you?
You've heard of him?
[insect noises]
Oh, she do have an appetite,
don't she?
I think Kevin might be hungry,
Oh, they don't sell piggy-chow
in a Quik-E-Mart, baby.
Well, porkers can't be
I'll give him a ham sandwich.
Wait, Sam, that is disgusting.
Y'all need a face mask here.
Oh, come on, Reeny.
We both know that lard is
Sam, this here Quik-E-Mart
don't give a rat's rear
about your sheeple people.
All right.
Stupid George Soros.
Hillary Clinton, Bitcoin
I'm hungry. I'm hungry.
Whoa! Whoa, there, partner!
You got pet food?
Go shoot. I got kids. A
Say you got pet food?
There we go. Down the aisle to
the right.
Thank you.
Very welcome.
[background muzak]
[muzak slows down]
[muzak resumes]
I love that shirt, bro.
Oh, yeah.
Did you know if you, uh,
if you type "Illuminati"
backward in the Internet,
it takes you right to the NSA.
[ Chuckles ]
Calling all Earthlings?
Calling all spooks.
Calling all patriots and
Calling all commies and vegans
and tea-braggers.
Holy monkey balls, it's you!
You saved my life, sir.
You saved my marriage.
Oh, those pills that you've
been selling on your website.
My wife can't stop getting
She's pregnant right now. I've
had seven kids.
Two are black, one's Asian,
one's Indian.
I think you turned my dick into
a goddamn. It's a small world.
And I'm telling you this right
now, because it's you,
I got a scoop for you.
You said birds?
Oh, I said birds. They're fake.
Birds are fake?
I mean, they weren't always
fake, but after 9-11,
they all been replaced by
Biggest government surveillance
program ever conceived.
Where do birds hang out all
Power lines.
They're charging.
Charging? They're charging.
Oh, you like those.
Have as many as you want.
I bring out like 10,000 of
these bad boys.
People these days just believe
in anything.
-Cacaw! -They're gonna getcha.
Oh, So amazing meeting you. I
love you.
I mean, I don't like to love
you. I love you, though.
Thank you. It's good to-- I'm
Yeah, you got it. I'm not a
good guy. I'm a good guy. I'm
Yeah, you going? What are you
doing later?
Ah, thank you.
I love you.
This is the part where I leave.
Yeah, you keep running.
It's entertainment.
Yeah, and so is War of the
Worlds. Remember how that
worked out?
The Tom Cruise movie?
What? Oh, my--
Here's my problem with these
truth warriors,
is that they can go online and
whatever crazy shit that they
and people just eat it up as
the truth.
Your boy is out there, and he's
peddling miracle cures.
Well, he saved my ass.
What? How?
Sam was the only person who
checked on me when I got sick.
Yeah, he was probably trying to
sell you those pills.
No pills.
But he carried me to the
when none of my other friends
be bothered to return a damn
Sorry. I know you had your
plate full, too.
Are you sure this is it?
That's what it says.
I'm gonna jump out. You drive
up alone.
I'll search the grounds while
you talk to her.
You're less threatening by
I think that depends on the
color of her nativity set.
Hi. Sorry to disturb you so
I'm Yolanda Johnson, San
Wanoutski's parole officer.
Well, good evening.
Sam thinks so highly of y'all.
He does?
Well, sure, you act so
Just like peas and carrots, he
He mentioned that he was
staying with you?
No, he decided against it I'm
Were you aware that there was a
fire at his house tonight?
Yes, it was terrible. He was
quite upset.
You have a...
In your...
It's this darn dry air.
I should go deal with this,
Yes, of course.
Will you give me a call if you
hear from him?
Why, certainly, darling.
Good night, darling.
Good night.
Fuck me.
Ah, yes.
Gall dang it.
What the hell are you doing
What part of "Never see your
around here again" did you not
Well, I tried calling you.
You're a filthy little thief. I
don't do business with thieves.
Hey, I was gonna pay you back.
You know I'm good for it.
You're good for nothing. Now
get the fuck out of here.
I'll suck your cock.
You get the hell out before I
beat that...
Okay. Okay. Okay.
I was gonna get you what you
It's in the cabinet behind you.
I just thought that you might
noticed there's no clip in that
And ladies don't have cocks,
you filthy little thief!
You see anything?
Some drinking glasses on the
porch and a recently deceased
Well, he isn't here.
Granny says she doesn't know
where he went.
Curtain. Uh-huh.
Is that confirmed?
No, I'm with his PO right now.
It's faster if she issues the
I'll brief the sheriff an
I.P.D. You guys
call Homeland and alert Border
He's probably on his way to
Mexico. All right.
Look at that, Sam. That is
gorgeous. Come on.
That's like a winter wonderland
made out of sand.
It's sure it is.
Steal me away, handsome prince.
No, no, no, no.
No, that's not the man I know.
It's not your call anymore. You
to issue the warrant. You take
my truck.
What are you going to do?
I'm going to talk to Granny.
knows a lot more than she's
letting on.
I'll have a squad come and pick
me up.
Give me his number because I'm
to have a stingray work on his
He's too paranoid for a
What, he thinks he can't be
located? Did he read that on
What is your deal?
[sex noises]
Oh, my.
Ow ow owwww!
Ha ha ha!
Cacaw! Cacaw!
-Sam! -Being on the lam with
you and Kevin, you know what?
I feel alive.
Like alive, alive. You feel
alive too, baby? You feel it?
Tell me you feel alive.
Where are you going now?
Where are you going?
Oh, for a muse of fire that
would ascend!
Was that ah, Springsteen or
I never can remember.
Ha ha ha! Woman!
-Samson! -I'm coming, baby!
You know what? You amaze me.
Every day you amaze me. Guess
You are no less than a goddess.
I said it.
I'm a chilly goddess.
Will you please fetch me my
knickers, Shakespeare?
Or, baby, how about this?
Will you build a campfire?
Warm me up a little? Just a
small fire?
Sammy, we both know that that
ain't going to happen.
Oh, please, baby, please.
Listen, listen.
I'm telling you, I feel like I
broke the fire spell, baby.
Think about it. House burned
down right?
Now I'm driving what? This
disco inferno, which is what?
It is a fire truck, baby, and
guess who feels fine?
Let me guess. Where is he?
It is getting a little bit
nipply out here, isn't it?
Listen, baby, please, I need
you to do this for me.
If you, right now, if you
believe in me right this minute
with everything you've got, I
promise you this, baby,
I will make myself right with
the Lord.
For you.
When? Well, let me see.
How the heck does tomorrow
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, with the
What is wrong?
I thought you stopped loving me
when I lost Kevin.
When you lost...
When you...
Baby, baby, look at me.
Please, look at me.
We didn't lose Kevin baby.
He's right there.
Where? Right there.
I'm just so wrecked in my lady
I don't blame you.
I don't.
No, no baby, look at me. It's
them pills.
I've been taken.
They rob me of my fire, baby.
But that's what they're
supposed to do, sugar.
That kind of fire, baby, it's
It's like, um...
It's like... Your sacred fire?
You ignite me.
( chuckles )
You light my finest fire, baby.
You do.
I love you so much.
You love you so much.
Oh, yeah.
How about this.
What do you say?
First one to top that dune...
loves Kevin more.
Oh, come on now.
You're all hat and no cattle.
Would you like a four count
head start, my darlin?
Don't need it. But sure.
How about three?
( chuckles )
Give me your hand. Come on.
Give me...
Oh, you're fast, baby.
( panting )
( knocking )
I told you to hold your damn
I'm in the Biffy, for Christ's
( thud )
( grunting )
You remember me?
I don't believe I've had the
You cut the bullshit.
You sold me reduxivir.
Oh, you're one of Sammy's 17
Well, that's money well spent.
Sorry, no refunds.
I gave it to my daughter.
Well, I do hope she's cured.
( chuckles )
She's dead.
And do you think the pills
killed her?
Oh, I know they did.
( laughing )
You think this is funny?
What the fuck is wrong with
Oh, honey, now where would I
get reduxivir?
I sold you sugar pills, you
dumb schmekel.
( laughing )
( thud )
( thud )
[dramatic music]
Like I said, no refund.
I don't want a fucking refund!
I want my daughter back!
Well, that's between you and
No, that's between you and me,
old man.
My daughter was severely
and you sold me sugar pills.
For fuck's sake, people are out
there scared
and looking for any kind of
You and your shitbag grandson
are feeding off of it.
Oh, don't be such a victim.
Diabetics don't stand a chance
Survival of the fittest.
I did you a favor.
( screaming )
( screaming )
( gasping )
( panting )
( screaming )
( panting )
( music playing )
Is the smoke bothering you,
We, uh, no respiratory system.
No shit.
Yes. How did you know?
Know what?
That we don't shit. No
digestive system, either.
30 million light years in that
thing with a full-shitter.
( laughs )
I don't think so.
Like I always tell Reney, you
people just-- they don't think
about these things.
Eyes on the fire, Sammy boy.
Eyes on the fire.
Hey, man.
How do you know them words?
I know everything about you.
Please don't tell me you've
been probing me this whole
Oh, for fuck's sake.
That ain't an answer, man.
You have issues.
What's with you guys in the
butt stuff?
Simple questions.
Rectal tissue is the most
conducive epithelium
for use in bariogenic
Uh, you mind saying that in
American space boy.
We've been altering your DNA
since inception,
accelerating human evolution.
So you say you created us?
Creation is the work of gods,
of which we are not.
We? Tinker.
That's what I thought.
( laughs )
Hey, you know anything about
( music ) dashing through the
On a one-horse open sleigh
For the fields we go
Laughing all the way
Bells on bob- tail ring
Making spirits bright
What fun it is to ride and sing
A sleighing song tonight
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way
( distant ) Yeah
That's it
You're getting the hang of it.
( music ) Oh what fun it is to
In a one-horse open sleigh
That's it, that's it. You're
getting it, man.
It all takes a little practice.
Yeah, baby.
What's that music? Come on,
honey, come to bed.
I'm sorry, baby. Music's going
off. I'll be to bed directly.
( music turns off )
Go to sleep, baby. I love you.
It's getting kind of late, I
We don't observe time.
So what time is it for you
right now?
It is now. It's always now.
It's an earth thing.
There is a delay here between
thought and the experience of
that thought.
You measure it and call it
All moments are now.
All moments are now.
So does that mean nobody really
Death as you conceive it is
another result of time.
So heaven is real.
This is so much easier to
explain in Europe.
Listen, man, I really need to
speak to my daddy,
because I've been remembering
all kinds of things, you know?
So I talk to him...
No, but I gotta do it face to
I gotta handle this man to man.
Well, it is not that easy for a
We are working on it, and these
things take time.
I got you, man. You just said
time don't exist, man.
You know what time it really
It's your fulla shit O'Clock,
little man.
A, that's impossible, as I've
already explained,
and B, I said time is unique to
When I'm on earth, I'm subject
to time.
I see, I see.
Oh, what's that?
It will help you find your dad.
What is this, like, official
alien technology?
It is a vape pen filled with
weed and DMT.
-Sammy! I think Kevin's gotta
Hey, man, am I ever gonna see
you again?
Depends if you wake up during
your next rectal.
Listen, brother, you know all
this right here with you,
uh, I'd like to share it with
my listeners, if that's okay.
Is there any way you can give
some proof that you was here,
How about a nice souvenir hat?
Yeah, baby, I told you, be
right there.
Well, well.
Look at you all growed up.
Daddy, we need to talk.
Like man to man.
Man to man.
Take this.
Get the soak'n them hogs.
Come on, now. We got shit to
Ahh! Daddy, what the hell are
you doing?
Doin what needs to be done.
( young boys voice ) Daddy,
please, you're hurtin me!
The gas is gettin on me. You're
acting crazy!
I ain't acting Skipper.
Why you wanna hurt them
animals? They never hurt
Them hogs is money.
For them uppidy coons.
Get rid of the pigs.
Get rid of the nigras.
See how that works, Sammy?
Now, I'm gonna let you up.
And you don't run on me again.
It'll be the last time you do.
You understand me?
Do you?
On your feet.
Ain't nothing to it but to do
Come on, now.
That's my boy.
You make your daddy proud, boy.
Make sure you throw it far
enough in the pen.
We don't catch.
That's it.
Eyes on the fire, Sam.
Eyes on the fire.
[ dramatic music ]
Whoa! Whoa!
Sammy what did you do?!
- Daddy!
( pigs squealing )
( pigs squealing )
( pigs squealing )
[ choral music ]
(phone vibrating)
Hey, you--
Good morning.
Um, Sam, I know about your
I swear it wasn't me, yo.
I did not burn down my own
I-- Um, maybe we should meet up
and talk.
Why? So you can come arrest me?
Sam, if what you're saying is
an investigation will prove
that, okay?
I always have my back. I owe
you the same.
Where are you?
I'm at Salvation Mountain.
What are you doing there?
Well, I don't know.
Just kind of happened.
I made a promise to Reney.
I'll come to you. Just me,
nobody else.
We can talk it through and make
a plan, okay?
Oh, look at you. Do you know
how much I love you?
Yo, you know, listen, I got
I don't know how long me and
Reney will be here,
but I got to get back online.
So much has come to light.
No, look, I'm not far. I'm
already on the way, okay?
I thought you were fixing to
but look what you've gone done
Look at this. Look at that.
Do you know that one man built
this all by himself?
Is that right? That's right.
That's what happens when you
let Jesus do the wheelin.
Oh, is that right?
Where'd you get this?
Oh, that you found in the
truck? I just found in the
This here is a demon.
Is it-- is that right?
Oh, there goes the demon.
There's got to be a preacher
around here.
Yeah, hi, preacher man!
Get to baptizin, shall we?
- Good morning, Curtain.
What's the latest?
- The grandmother's house
burned down last night.
- What?
- Sometime after I left, we
presume that she was inside.
Investigators are on the scene
right now.
- Oh my God.
- Yolanda.
- The fire was set
We were running DNA on some
drinking glasses
that we found at the scene.
Why didn't you file that
warrant last night?
- I know, I got back and I sat
down and I just passed out.
- I gotta call you back.
Tell me you have his location.
Awesome, I will be right there.
Probably 20 minutes out.
Fuck, I forgot my truck.
I don't have it.
Send a squad around, allight?
At my house, you dumb fuck.
And nobody arrives before me,
you understand?
Sheriff's orders.
(upbeat music)
- Hey, ain't you most required
to have like a license
or you must be drinking age to
go around anointing folk?
- It's the kingdom of God, it's
not the DMV.
This here is the resident
preacher's boys.
(upbeat music)
- Jesus be lobbing us miracles.
- My daddy gave me a dunkin.
-In the mighty Salton Sea.
I drank upon the Lord. -With
whom I want to be.
He offered me a voucher.
Redeemable for eternity.
- Ain't that something, Sam?
All right, boys, let's get that
Jesus juice'a flowing.
Jesus loves me, yes I know
(upbeat music)
- How long is this gonna take,
-I gotta get back. - Shh
Little ones who him belong
They are weak but He is
- Stings, boys.
- Stings?
What stings?
- The Jesus juice smells like
battery acid.
- Well, that's the devil oozin
out of ya.
Douse him good, boys.
Couple gallons oughta do it.
- Hey, what you boys doing down
- Baptizing this heathen,
- That's real nice, boys.
- Hey, Wanoutsky!
- What the hell are you doing?
- Hey, yo.
- I think it's time you go
and say goodbye to that shirt,
- Yeah, well, it's the only
shirt I got left
in the whole world.
- What happened, Sam?
- Genny was giving me hell, so
I went outside to check it,
and next thing I know,
kablooie, whole house blowed
I'm telling you, yo, I think
she's gotta be with CIA.
- Where was Irene?
- Oh, she was in the kitchen to
make some cookies.
- So you just left her there?
- Of course not, we skedaddle
her grannies
right after she landed.
- Irene landed?
- Yeah.
You know, shh.
- So you're telling me Irene
went with you to grannies?
- Yes, I am, yes, ma'am.
Because where else was she
supposed to go, yo?
I mean, got any other ideas?
- Sam.
- Yeah?
- Irene was found in the
remains at your trailer.
- Okay, that right there, right
about there,
that was ridiculous.
And I'll tell you why,
because clearly, you hear that?
Clearly she's right outside
singing with the boys.
So, therefore-
Look at me.
Come on.
(dramatic music)
- Reney! Hey, where you at?
Come show Yojo, she's out of
her mind.
[Boys sing "Jesus Loves Me"]
- Sam, where did you go when
you left grannies?
- We went to the sand dunes, we
camped there,
me and Reney and Kevin.
- Sam, please be honest with
-What are you talking about?
- I am being honest with you.
[distant police sirens]
I thought you said you was
coming alone, yo.
- Look, I swear, I don't know
anything about that.
Where you at, baby?! We gotta
- Sam, Irene is not here.
- Baby!
- Sam, she's gone.
- Stop saying that, please.
Stop it, just stop it.
Reeny's been here with me and
Kevin this whole time.
- Kevin.
(somber music)
- Okay.
I got you out of here.
- Sam, you cannot run, okay?
They're gonna shoot you.
- Where's my Reeny?
Reeny, we gotta get out of
I need my family.
I need my family.
Where, where's my?
- Sam, get in my trunk.
- Family?
- Sam?
- Sam, I believe you, all
Listen, the only way you're
gonna get out of here
is to get in my trunk, all
Get in my trunk!
Give me your phone.
Give me your phone.
Hey, hey, you guys have bikes?
Okay, my friend left her phone
and I will give you 50 bucks to
take it to her, all right?
Her name is Tammy, she's at the
Ski Inn.
and do you know where that is?
She's waiting for it, so just
as soon as you can,
just, all right?
- Is that Johnson?
Johnson, what are you doing
- You never called me back.
- We got a beat on Wanoutsky, I
- Now, what are you doing here?
- I called him and he answered
and told me he was here,
so here I am.
- Where is he?
- I don't know, just out here
- Your car is there, you would
come from somewhere else.
- I was asking the pastor's
kids if they've seen Sam.
No luck.
- Search that vehicle, the rest
of you get up in the mountain,
it's hollow, lots of nooks and
- Did Sam say why he came here?
- Promise to his wife.
- Your client is in violation
of his parole,
he is a fugitive, this is not
your problem anymore.
You should go, Yolanda.
- Okay.
- I'm out of my freaking mind.
- We don't want to hurt you,
Santa Claus,
so come along quietly.
- Let's go, old man.
- Mrs. Santa Claus has
positively identified
the kidnappers as Martians.
- Well, make sure they check
around the back again,
God damn it.
- Shit.
- Buzz, what the hell's going
on, Charlie?
You got half the county
- One of Yolanda Johnson's
parolees blew up his house
and burnt down another one, she
should have called you.
- Yeah, yeah, she should have,
but she didn't, Jesus H Christ.
You're gonna ruin Christmas
Eve, aren't you?
- We tracked his phone here,
Salvation Mountain,
we think he's here hiding.
Where's Johnson?
- Frankly, sir, she was
beginning to impair
the investigation, she's too
close to this guy,
I had to excuse her.
- He's on the move, heading
- Sheriff, he's in motion, I'll
keep you updated.
All right, let's pack it up,
wheel's up in two minutes,
let's go.
- Welcome, Santa Claus, we hope
you'll make
the decision on Martians
getting happy.
I'll try dear lady. I'll try.
- Humbug.
- Yo.
- Yojo!
- I just want to say thank you
for helping me,
and I really need to talk Yo.
Okay, hang on.
- What are you doing?
- Thank you, yo, it's a perfect
Listen, listen, yo, I've been
giving this
some real good thought, and I
Reeny and Kevin, are back at
the mountain.
- Sam, that's not-- - Back in
the mountain.
No, no, just listen, listen,
think about it.
There ain't no way you got
forensics back that quick,
And so what, you found a body.
It could be a dead spook for
all we know, Yo.
- How do you do this?
- How do I do what?
- How do you make me believe
what you are saying?
- Look down and see a fool,
look up and see a god.
- What is that, the Bible?
- It's Charles Manson, but
Reeny always did say
I'd make a pretty good
But listen to me, yo, please,
we gotta go back and get Reeny
I just helped you escape.
- Yeah, well I said no man left
even if that man is a woman, my
- Sam, we can't.
- Why?
- What?
- Somebody torched your
grandmother's house late last
- Oh.
Oh man.
Oh man.
So now they think I did that
- Did you?
- Well, can't say Granny didn't
have it comin.
She had a whole lotta enemies,
that one.
- Is there anything I can do?
- Yeah.
You can go catch son'bitch who
burned up Granny
because guess what, she had
every corner
of her property surveilled.
- No, it burned to the ground,
there's nothing left.
- Yeah, well I'll tell you
Lord knows Granny had a whole
lot of faults,
but she wasn't no dummy
because her surveillance
security system
uploaded to the cloud 24-7.
- Do you have access to it?
- Well, I sure as shit should
because I'm the one who set it
That all depends.
- On what?
- On whether or not you're
gonna take me back
to get my wife and my pig.
(suspenseful music)
- Let's go.
- Go around, check the
bunkhouse, I'm going inside
- What the fuck, what are you
- I'm looking for Sam Wanoutsky
he's about 5'8 with a mullet.
- Yeah, I know who Sam is, I
haven't seen him.
- Not here.
- No.
- You know what, I get it.
I finally understand why y'all
like these things so much.
- This is really comfy.
- Who do you mean by y'all?
- I mean women.
- Okay, you ready to do this?
- No ma'am, but I guess we
- Siri, call Sheriff Clark.
- What the hell's going on,
- Hey, Sheriff, okay, I don't
have a lot of time,
but okay, I just need you to
listen to me.
- Hello?
- You asked me to listen,
that's me listening.
- I have Sam Wanoutsky with me.
- Hey there, Sheriff.
- Jesus H Christ.
Are you out of your freaking
There's a manhunt going on.
- Buzz, I know this, listen.
- If you have ever trusted me,
I really need you to trust me
right now.
- Are you near a computer?
- I can be.
- Okay, let me know when you're
- We're here.
(ominous music)
- Thank you, Yo.
- Sam, wait.
Promise me you won't run if
they come back, okay?
- You're a good friend, Yo.
- No, I'm serious.
I need you to tell me what
really happens to Black Mamba.
- Come here.
Guess what?
It ain't real.
- Yeah, what do you know,
one of your conspiracies isn't
- No, no, no.
Time ain't real.
And if time ain't real, then
death ain't real,
which means, none of this is
But here we are.
You and me right here right
what are we doing?
We are thinking all this is
Ain't it glorious?
- That's not the word I had in
- Yeah, I get it.
But it's still kind of fun to
pretend, isn't it?
Google Kobe Bryant Chamberlain
Heights, all right?
It's on YouTube.
- I'm coming for you, baby.
(dramatic music)
- The hell are you doing back
- Reeny!
- That's him.
Let's set up a perimeter around
the base.
- Hey, Charlie, he's not well,
He thinks his wife is here and
she's alive.
- Oh, well, good work letting a
delusional psychopath
crawl up to the top of a flimsy
six-story structure.
- I'm coming, baby.
- Sam Wanoutsky, this is the
Imperial County Sheriff's
You are under arrest.
- Reeny!
- Curtain, he is unarmed.
Do not shoot him.
- Shut the fuck up, Yolanda or
you're going to jail.
- Sam, you are under arrest.
Put your hands up and do not
make a sudden movement.
Okay, that's good, Sam.
All right, I need you to come
back down here real careful.
- Hello.
- You still in Salvation
- Yes.
- Is Curtain with you?
- Yes, they are in a standoff.
Where are you?
- I'll be there three minutes,
hang tight.
- Sam, I need you to keep your
hands in the air.
- No, no, Sam, I need you to
turn back this way.
- Reeny!
Reeny please, baby.
- Boo.
- Oh, oh!
Oh, baby, baby, I knew you guys
were still here.
I just knew it.
Oh, you gave me a real scare.
- Sam, Sam, I need you to turn
around and come down here.
- Who the fuck is he talking
- Probably his wife.
- Place Officer Johnson under
for obstructing justice
and interfering with the police
- Charlie!
- Do it.
- Hold on there, Deputy.
- Sheriff, glad you're here.
He's up on the mountain, we got
him surrounded.
- Next time you murder an old
drag queen,
you might want to sweep the
house for innocents
before you burn it to the
What the fuck?!
Arrest him.
You fucked up Christmas and my
Come on.
- Oh, baby, you, you gave me a
real scare.
Where in blazes have you been,
my love?
- I'm so sorry, sugar.
I got so caught up in God's
I went wondering all around
here and I got lost.
- Oh Kevin. - It's Kevin.
- I don't know if you know,
if you maybe notice, there's a
whole lot of cops down there
who think I snuffed you out.
- Maybe they think I snuffed
you out.
Problem solved.
- Sam, you're off the hook,
come down.
- Look at that.
- It's okay, come down.
- You were right.
- I'm always right, Sam.
When you gonna figure this out?
- I gotta, I'm gonna get to
figuring it out I promise.
- It's bad time.
- Sam, come down.
- Oh, I love you so.
- I'm so glad you came back.
- l always come back.
- Come on.
A dreamer's lullaby
The boy who learned to fly
Drifted off to sleep
And opened up his eyes
To paradise
High immense the clouds
Beyond the grasp of time
Mystery and Rhyme
When love was blind
And though his friends were
He bid the world adieu
And spoke of wonders far away

And no one knows
How the story goes
But this much is true
So high they flew the Earth
was just
A speck of blue
And in the end my friend
Real is just pretend
The dreamer will prevail
The epic fairy tale
The Boy who learned to fly
In a dreamers lullabye