Afula Express (1999) Movie Script

Assaf Amir & Julie Shels
A film by Julie Shels
You know your problem, Batya?
Which one? -What?
Whenever you're supposed,
to go find a job
you find a new problem
and don't leave the house
That's your problem! -What?
-You put up with it!
Tzvika Hadar
Let's discuss this.
-Go ahead. -Pick a card.
Estie Zackheim
I'm late for work.
-Don't be a drag! Pick card.
You picked one?
-Nine of hearts.
Don't tell me, moron!
What a dingbat!
Don't call me moron
or dingbat again!
Afula Express
Aryeh Moskuna
Orly Perl
Guest Appearance by
Natan Zahavi
Script by Amit Leor
with Julie Shles & Assaf Amir
Director of Photography:
Itzik Portal
Maor Keshet
Levana Hakim & Yotvat Palter
Costumes: Tzipi Anglisher
Art Director: Ava Gronowitz
Gil Toren & Yohai Moshe
Original Score:
Yuval Shafrir
Produced by
Assaf Amir
Directed by
Julie Shles
Henrietta, you beauty...
You know your problem, Shimon?
-No, what?
You can't dress!
-What do you mean?
Look at you! Stripped shirt,
checkered pants.
and those red socks!
Look at you!
I'm Romanian.
That's how Romanians dress.
-Are Romanians blind?
I'm sure some know
how to dress.
Maybe, but I don't know any.
-What a character!
Pick a card!
-Don't waste your time, David!
Excuse me...
You live in the building, right?
-Me? - Yes.
Wait a second, okay?
I know you from somewhere.
Are you from Tel Aviv?
No, Afula.
No shit!
I'm from a farm near Afula!
I got here a week ago!
I heard. You're the one who sings.
I'm Vicky. I'm a singer.
I mean, I want to be. That's why I'm here.
Afula's a dead end.
-I'm Batya.
By the way, you really sing nice.
-Well, I'm late for work...
Wait, wait! Didn't you work
at the Snail's?
The snail?
-The bakery in Afula...
The guy with the wig!
No, I never did.
-No? - I have to run.
You'll see!
I know you from somewhere!
Good morning, dear.
-Good morning, Seior Bueno.
How's it going?
The same.
Not enough
men for prayer service.
Did you tell
your husband to come?
My husband's...lazy.
He's not even awake
when you guys pray.
What does he do all day?
Good question, Seior Bueno.
Good question...
Excuse Me!
Excuse Me!
It's been a hard day,
Outside the rain is falling,
While you cry,
you cry...
Tell me what's breaking
your heart...
I promised Batya
I'd look for a job.
So? -So?
I didn't find one.
-Don't be a jerk.
You should understand me.
If I find a job, then I'm screwed.
All I need is one lousy show
and some equipment,
then things will start rolling!
But she doesn't get it!
I've told her over and over,
but she just doesn't get it!
Be careful.
Women are like rubber bands.
Stretch them too far...
And you'll get smacked
in the face.
You're a real character!
How could you just
give it up?
What? -Magic.
My wife left me and I went to pieces! -So?
My hands got the shakes.
Then how do you tie
your shoelaces?
I wear loafers. See!
-Okay, I was just joking!
Hey kid, come here!
Don't be afraid! Come here...
Know what I just heard?
God's an Arab!
Shit! No bar code!
Hey! -Hi.
You work here? -Yes.
Do you watch "The Young?"
-"The Young?"
..."And the Restless."
Not lately. -You won't believe
it! Dorothy went back to Victor!
No shit? For good?
We'll have to wait 'till
next week to find out.
But I think she's in deep shit.
I tape all the episodes.
Drop by if you want to catch up.
Thanks. Maybe I will.
See you.
Come by.
Hey, did you work
for Sarah with the leg?
What? -In Afula.
Sarah with the short leg.
No, I didn't.
?117.40 Thank you.
-This is really bugging me.
I'll figure it out.
Signature and
phone number, please.
Sure you didn't work there?
-No, I swear.
Okay, sorry.
Don't forget your coupons.
It's a special offer.
Collect coupons and win prizes.
Forget it. -But why?
First prize is a weekend
for two in Turkey.
I'm not into those things.
Thanks anyway.
You sure turn him on. -Who me?
Me, turn on a guy like that?
-You bet!
Hey, Davy. -What?
Why don't your rabbits
have kids?
They're both males, Shimon.
Hope they don't screw in the ass.
You have the soul of a poet.
Why do you change into pajamas
when you get home?
Tradition, Shimon.
My grandfather did it.
He made my Dad swear to do it.
And I swore to my Dad
I'd do the same.
Yeah, but why?
With tradition
you don't ask why.
The minute you do
it's all over.
and you're eating pork.
-I don't eat pork!
I didn't say you did!
Nothing to do with tradition
or religion. It gives me gas.
You're one of a kind, Shimon.
Can a guy get some tea here?
-Sure, but first pick a card.
I can't believe it.
You haven't moved.
A cup of tea and I'm leaving.
No, Shimon. Don't go.
I may need help getting him in the tub.
We have a Bar Mitzvah in Afula
and he hasn't bathed in days.
Men don't have to bathe every day.
I forgot. You're
Davy's philosopher friend.
Lay off!
Shimon, how do you manage
without working?
David's got it made,
but you live alone.
How do you do it?
I get social security.
-Great invention. That's enough?
I don't need much.
Eggs for breakfast.
Cheese for lunch, and chicken once a week.
I'll make you some tea.
He'll never get off his ass.
Know your problem, Batya?
-What? -You're too practical.
Batya, what's wrong? I'm sorry.
Pick a card!
Come on, I'll never call you
a moron again, okay?
I won't call you a dingbat, either.
Stop that noise! I can't
concentrate on my magic!
When did you start
wearing shorts?
It's a gift for
my nephew's Bar Mitzvah.
What Bar Mitzvah?
-You promised to come!
He has more clothes than a model!
I'm worried about him!
Look! Flowered panties!
You'd better talk to your sister.
Shut up, asshole!
Leave my family out!
I'm just worried...
-Yeah, sure!
Since we left Afula,
you never visited once.
If you don't come,
I'll fry your rabbits.
Leave my rabbits out of this.
-Leave my family out of this.
We're even.
It can't be! I learned this
trick from Yehuda!
Which Yehuda? -The Gouda.
-Silly me.
He's world famous!
He does weddings, Bar Mitzvahs...
The best magician in Israel!
That's what you said
about Chico.
He was the best then.
-That was days
It's a very competitive field!
So that wasn't your card?
Yes it was or yes it wasn't?
-Yes, it was not.
What a slut! -A slut that works
hard to support her lazy pimp.
Your nose drives me crazy.
-You're nuts.
I can't take it. -Stop!
-Let me take it off.
And if it's quite all right
I need you baby
And if it's quite all right
I need you baby
All that noise is blowing
my concentration.
What do you want me to do?
Let's go back to Afula.
-Don't start.
What am I doing
in this lousy city?
You dream of being a magician,
but what about me?
You want me back in the garage
fixing blinkers?
We spoke about this.
Try to understand.
Just a little more patience.
I'll practice and
buy equipment.
Then I'll get one show
after another!
The cash will roll in! No more
late shifts at the market!
I'll make you a queen!
Then we'll go back
to Afula! Get it?!
I promise I'll look
for a job tomorrow. -Sure.
Shut up over there! It's quieter
on a construction site!
I can't take that new chick
and her singing!
Good! Now jump backwards!
And stop!
You just don't get it.
-What, peanut?
The power of illusion.
What's wrong with reality?
-Too real. -Enough, Davy.
Pick a card.
-Enough with the cards!
You're a freeloader
and I put up with it!
You were right.
I was joking! What do you want?
What do I want?
Look at us, Davy.
We're not kids anymore.
You want to get married?
I don't know how to tell you
this, but there's no other way.
You're not a magician. -What?
I can't believe you said that!
You know I'm sensitive
about that!
That was really bitchy!
You were a great mechanic.
You're funny. I love you.
But you're a lousy magician!
And who are you,
Mrs. Houdini!
A cashier! But that doesn't make
you a better magician!
I get it. -What?
-You're jealous!
That you can't do
one lousy card trick? -Exactly
Who can't? -You can't!
Pick a card.
-Stop already!
Pick a card!
What do you care?
If it works, I don't go to
your queer nephew's Bar Mitzvah.
It's a dumb bet.
You can't do it.
We'll see. Pick a card.
Did you pick one? -Yes.
Do you remember it? -Yes
The king of clubs.
What is it?
Tell me.
Yes. -Yes what?
Wow! First time it worked!
Congratulations, Batya! Where's Davy?
-Why didn't he come?
Now pull the head.
That's it!
-Now grab the legs.
Put me back together now!
Who says I know how?
Shimon, this box is
what I've been missing!
It's easy!
It's all in the equipment!
I feel the tide turning.
We're going to make it.
You and me. -Forget it.
Hey, ugly! Discuss you future
after you put me together!
Hey, Batya!
You're just in time!
What a mess!
I had a big breakthrough today!
-You embarrassed me today!
Everyone at the Bar Mitzvah
talked behind my back.
Come on, Dingbat.
Magic is.
I had to lie to my mother.
"He's busy working, Mom."
Magic isn't just make-believe.
It's me forcing you to choose
what you think you chose.
Get it? Do you think
we really cut her in half?
Where'd you get the box, jerk?
Box?! It's a grand illusion!
I bought it.
Grand bullshit! How much?
Nothing. I bought it on credit.
Answer. -You answer.
It's probably your mother.
-You answer.
What's your problem?
Who? Which Chaim?
I didn't recognize your voice!
It's Chaim, my agent!
I don't believe it!
He got me a job!
He's the real magician.
No, that's just Mrs. Houdini.
What? A show tomorrow?
Tomorrow?! Give me a pen.
I need a pen!
Yes. What?
Where? Yashrash?
The Yemenite village?
I know where it is. Up north.
Don't worry. I've mastered
the grand illusion!
A gift from my girlfriend.
That's love for you.
Don't worry.
I'll deal with the union.
Of course I'll have an assistant.
It'll be an amazing show! The
Yemenites will never forget it!
Bye, Chaim.
Later alligator.
Where are you such a bitch? -Me?
Killing my career when it's
starting? -What career, moron?
Go make a fool of yourself!
-Jealous again!
You're nuts!
Jealous of a Bar Mitzvah in
a Yemenite village?!
It's a jubilee celebration!
Make a fool of yourself.
I won't be there.
Wrong again.
-I'm warning you, David.
Imagine this.
Both of us on stage...
You in a mini and a fancy hairdo
and the crowd's screaming:
David, David!
-Forget it.
No. -Then remember this.
I'm not anyone's assistant
and I'm not going. Period!
Do we have enough gas?
Trust me! You're in good hands.
Stop! You'll get us into
an accident! -You're great!
It's my uncle's truck!
What a truck, what an uncle
and what a friend!
Look at Batya! What class!
For a moment I though
you might not come!
You almost had me fooled!
Isn't life wonderful!
We're out of gas.
-You know your problem, Shimon?
Don't start.
-You don't listen.
I told you to check the gas in Tel Aviv.
There's tank.
-And when we left?
tank. -That gas gauge works
as well as your brain!
Sit here and bitch
like a little girl.
I'm going to look for gas.
At least you take responsibility!
How long are you going to
give me the silent treatment?
So it wasn't a great show!
So what?!
Every new magician
has a few bad shows!
I'm just starting!
-Starting my ass!
Tell me, what do you want?
From me, from yourself,
our lives...
Sugar. -What?
Where's the sugar?
-Under your nose.
I didn't notice. How many?
This is exactly what
I'm talking about! -What?
I've been dieting for months.
Killing myself to
look good for you.
And you don't even notice.
-Sure I do.
Saccharine David, not sugar!
I've been using saccharine
for 6 months!
I'm sorry.
No you're not.
You're too busy with yourself
to be sorry.
Aren't you overreacting?
What's with you?
So I had one shitty show!
Big deal!
I'm not overreacting.
Then don't be my assistant!
Does that solve the problem?
I didn't think so.
I don't know.
I don't understand anything anymore.
I saw my life flash before
me on stage tonight.
Really? -I swear.
I saw my neighbor Brunia,
the Holocaust survivor.
She always invited me to eat
and I hated her cooking.
But I couldn't hurt her feelings
so I went every day.
David, it was the worst.
The worst food
I've eaten in my life.
Then I'd go eat my mother's food
to spare her feelings.
You know why I look
like this?
I can't hurt peoples' feelings.
You never told me that story.
Yes I did.
You know what else
I remembered? -No, what?
Forget it.
That's not fair.
No one forced you.
What would we do with a kid
in Tel Aviv now?
You were convinced we were
doing the right thing, too.
Like I was convinced
to move to Tel Aviv,
and work at the market,
and convinced to be
your assistant tonight.
You know my problem, Davy?
I'm too easily convinced.
I thought about it
in the car before.
You took it really hard.
Remember when you asked me
to marry you by the lake?
I hated the way you said it.
But it was the first time you
did. So the answer is yes.
Seriously? -Yes.
You want us to get married?
What kind of face is that?
I guess that's my reaction.
Give me a minute to digest this.
Digest? Either you're ready
or you're not.
Do you see what
you're asking of me?
A "yes" right on the spot?
Marriage, kids, all that mess?
It sounds fine in principle,
but I need time.
A chance to get my career rolling.
Wait, which career
are we talking about?
Magic? - Hell yeah! Magic.
Let me say this clearly.
It's either me or hocus pocus.
The two don't go
together anymore.
Do you realize what
you're asking?
Hell yeah!
Think about it because
you may not like my answer.
Batya, listen!
How many people have you met
who gave up on their dreams?
Like my grandmother...
She waited for her love to return
from America, but he never did.
Then she met my grandfather.
He was nice, so she said "why not?"
She lived with "Grandpa Why Not"
and waited for "Mr. America."
And my father? He had
a real talent for painting.
Do you think she spared him
a lifetime of "why not's?"
She said: "Be a mechanic
and paint in your spare time."
Who can paint after breaking
their ass in grease all day?
So he didn't say "why not."
He just moaned.
And what did he do to me?
He made me become a mechanic, too.
Being a mechanic is fine,
if you want to be a mechanic,
but I hated it.
So what did I do?
I became a damn mechanic!
I became a mechanic
and sighed all day.
And that's how we watched TV
together every evening:
Grandma said "why not,"
Dad moaned, and I sighed.
My Mom ran around
cooking all day saying:
"As long as there's good food,
everything's fine."
Then one day my father didn't
come home from work.
I was worried,
so I ran back to the garage.
He was lying in a
puddle of grease.
He died in the place that
he hated most. It was a heart attack.
I swore then and there that
it wouldn't happen to me.
I swore...
But I had a responsibility
to the family.
So I stayed at the garage.
I figured it was my fate.
Until you drove your wreck in
filled with flowers.
I said you needed a magician,
not a mechanic.
You said "Shut up and fix it!
I'm in a hurry!"
What a tough redhead!
When I gave you the bill,
you gave me a flower.
That's when it hit me.
Life doesn't have to be
so shitty.
Don't you see, Batya?
You're a part of all of this.
I'm sorry about what
happened with the box.
They asked for my help.
Hey! What's with the suitcases?
The bastard threw you out?
You're running away?
Way to go, sister!
You have a place to go?
Cat got your tongue, huh?
You can stay with me.
We can hang out, drink coffee.
We don't have to talk.
Cry together.
Whatever you want.
Seior Bueno. -How are you?
Can you watch my stuff? -Sure.
Did you ask your husband?
He's not my husband, ok?!
We were living in sin
and now it's over!
So enough with
your prayer services!
I'm coming up!
You want quality,
you have to pay.
Hey, buddy, eyes only!
Hands in your pocket!
You touch it, you buy it!
Sorry, sir.
I have problems
with my dumb apprentice.
He thinks he's hot shit.
-I know the problem.
Slydini, I have to go.
I have a big show tonight
in Kfar Saba.
Coming to the union meeting?
-Thursday? -Five sharp.
About the union meeting,
can I come, too?
-You want to be a magician?
Yes, Shimon's my friend.
He sent me here.
The Romanian? -Yeah
-If you pass the test,
you're in the union.
-Is it a must? -Yeah.
How much is that sword?
$150.00 -Can I see it?
You know the difference
between illusion and magic? -No.
Watch the right hand, the left,
with my sleeve, cigarette then...
What's this?
You want the sword?
How about installments?
No. -Slydini, let me out!
I can't take it!
In a few minutes...
Signature and phone
number, please.
That's it. Your card's full.
-What's that?
I saved the coupons for you.
Just mail it in.
You saved them for me?
Here, take it.
Pack your bags.
What? -Looks like you could
us a weekend in Turkey.
Believe me,
that's not enough.
She's so beautiful. -Yeah.
What's your name?
-Dandy the Magician. -Specialty?
A little bit more lighter fluid.
My first union audition.
What's so funny?
Shut up!
Keep going!
Next. -Next!
-Why are you shouting?
My name is Issace Twiggy.
And I specialize in Rock and Twist.
Watch it!
Watch where you're
going, asshole!
One, two, and go!
This is just the warm-up.
Four, five...
-Vicky, I'm dying
Quiet! Higher!
7 and 8...
Now the other leg...
I should just go back to Afula
and forget it.
Spread and stop talking
about Afula!
If you go back,
you're screwed forever.
I'll tell you what you need.
- A new love.
A young stud,
who'll make you forget
your name and Davy's.
I've been with Davy for years.
Been! Past tense!
You never cheated on
the magician? -I swear.
He's a better magician
than I though.
You never wanted
to try something else?
Not really. -Who are you kidding?
Swear you won't tell?! -I Swear.
Remember Mr. Microwave Meals?
The tall guy from the market?
You want a spin in his micro?
-Shut up a second!
I saved all his coupons for him.
Coupons! That's serious!
Just say: "I love you,
my little coupon!"
Listen, you whacko! -So?
-He started flirting.
Turkey... "Pack your bags."
So I copied his phone number
from his Visa card.
No! You're great!
You have his phone number?
Where is it? Let's call!
You're nuts! What's a guy
like that want with me?!
The same thing happened
to Sandra!
Who's Sandra?
-Your ignorance shocks me.
The girl from "Celeste."
I can't believe you're
talking to me about a TV soap!
Listen to the story:
Sandra was this guy's maid.
She was madly in love with him,
but thought she wasn't
good enough for him.
When his wife died in a plane crash,
Sandra broke down and
confessed her love.
She decided to leave because
she couldn't take anymore.
Just when she was leaving,
he jumped on her and kissed her.
He was in love with her too!
All those years!
Say it in Spanish:
"Yair, I'm mad about you!"
You whacko, listen to this!
Say I have my guitar... -Batya!
I can't find my key!
Got a spare?
Let him sleep outside.
-That's not nice.
I'll be right down!
Sorry I just... -It's okay.
Living with the swinger?
-Stop, she's my friend.
I auditioned today for
the magician's union. -Great.
I blew it. -I'm sorry.
It's okay. My agent will
get me a few Bar Mitzvahs.
I'll audition again
in 3 months. -Great.
My Mom's Snow White. Great.
Grandma's a slut. Great. -Stop!
Don't be so polite,
it doesn't suit you!
I'll copy the key. -Keep it.
Let's start over, Dingbat.
Be my girlfriend.
Forget it and
don't cal me Dingbat!
Damn magician's union...
Damn magician's union...
"Keep the key..."
"Keep the key..."
Who the hell cares!
He's in bad shape.
You can't go on
living his life.
I know, but it's hard.
Know what this situation
calls for?
New clothes, a new hairdo.
Hey, I have an idea!
I'm singing in this club
tomorrow. Come.
We'll get drunk, go nuts...
Just you and me.
Remember "The Bold and the Beautiful:"
"Tomorrow is another day"
Where did I find you?
I want to protect you and me
We've had a hard day
The light's on in the other room
Someone's crying, but it's not me.
Know who you remind me of, Davy?
A Romanian magician
named Rado Montilano.
He had six fingers on one hand.
An extra one right here.
He was ashamed of it,
so he'd hide it up his sleeve.
Then he realized that with
that extra finger
he could do tricks
that nobody else could.
He became a great magician.
Worked all over Europe,
until one day, he was sitting
next to another magician,
who saw him pick his nose
with that finger.
Word got out about his extra
finger and he never worked again.
I can't breathe
in these pants!
Women don't need air.
You look hot!
Really? How are the curls?
Liar! -Let my tits fall off
if I'm lying! -What?!
Let my tits fall off if I'm
lying. -That's amazing!
What? -I had a friend
in high school...
Aren't you Miri Agababa's sister?
You know my sister?! -Yes!
I told you I knew you!
Wow! Give me a hug!
Vicky... -What?
-That's him! -Who?
Yair, the guy with the coupons.
He's hot. You have good taste.
Well? -Well what?
Well what? Go talk to him.
Are you nuts?
-It's "now or ever."
Don't worry.
I'm right behind you.
So, the big drawing's
next week. -Excuse me?
The coupons...
I didn't recognize you.
We got a curly "pernanent."
I'm just used to seeing you
behind your counter.
I do leave it sometimes.
Like Larry King.
So it seems.
I have to run.
Didn't recognize me...
I'm such a dingbat!
Ugly shit! -Stop, Vicky!
What a nerd. He's probably gay!
I'm late for my shift.
Don't forget my show tonight.
We'll get drunk and have fun. -Yeah...
I bet Ashdod wins the
game this week.
I have to win big now.
Hey, buddy! Come here!
Pick a winning team for us.
With my luck,
you'd better pick yourself.
A face like that must
be good luck.
A pack of L&M's.
Hey shit, instead of booking
shows you're stuffing your face!
Watching you eat makes
me sick to my stomach.
Look who's talking?
The screw-up magician.
If I knew you were so funny, I'd
have booked you as a comedian.
Pig! Talking with
your mouth full!
Keep it up and you're fired.
Fired? I'm here to tell
you I quit!
Fuck off! -Fuck your mother!
You owe me for the Yemenites!
The Yemenites don't want to pay.
They're suing for mental anguish.
You ruined their jubilee.
They said you brought a cow
in a mini-skirt.
I'll kill you!
Hey, what the fuck's going on over there?
You fucking idiots!
Stop that shit, right now!
I mean right now!
...right now!
Get the fuck out of my place.
All right, that's it!
Both of you!
Get the fuck out! mother fuckers!
Every fucking night it's the same shit!
Get out of the building!
All right, that's it!
Get the fuck out, and stay out!
Don't come back!
Son of a bitch!
Only assholes hang out here!
Wait Chaim, I'll get you!
Son of a bitch!
The street lights are out
You look tired, let's go to sleep
The lights are on
in the other room
Someone's crying, but it's not me.
I want to protect you and me
We've had a hard day
Outside the rain is falling,
while you cry
You cry...
You need a woman?
I do. But she doesn't need me.
I don't understand.
Are you a new immigrant? -Yes.
How's Israel? -I don't understand.
-I'm just kidding.
What's your name? -Natasha.
You're familiar.
Where are you from? -Chernobyl.
Holy shit!
You have a black eye.
-Yes I do. -Why?
My manager punched me. -Manager?
I'm what you call a magician.
Abra Cadabra, Hocus Focus...
-Hocus Pocus...
Yeah, I'm a great hocus pocus.
I can do anything you want.
What do you want the most?
America. -America!
Even in American
they want America.
Look at me.
Do this...
Now I know where I know you from.
You clean our building.
You're moving up in the world.
You want?
I want.
I just don't know what.
Good night. Chernobyl Natasha.
I'm not really a magician.
Come on, Afula. Forget him.
-Let's go.
Don't worry, Vic.
Sure you're doing
the right thing? -It's time.
All because of the guy
on the bike? -Not at all.
Then what? David
-Not just him.
You still love him? -It'll pass.
Cut the crap. Go back to him.
You'll work it out in a second.
-Like Sandra on the soap?
No, Vicky. You were right.
I'm Afula.
I want a husband,
a house, kids...
the whole mess.
I wanted it with David,
but it didn't work out.
That's what I want.
Sound awful?
Sounds great!
Victoria, if you wander
by Afula, drop in.
We'll drink coffee, cry together,
whatever you want.
I'll miss you.
Yeah, sure...
I've been looking all over
for you.
I never thought you'd come back.
I'm back.
What are you doing here?!
I've found inner peace
and salvation. -You're crazy!
Look at you!
You look like a pimp
in an old age home. -Stop!
You're in a synagogue!
Don't you have any fear of God?
I have a God. And guess what?
He's Bulgarian!
Now he's Bulgarian?!
-Watch your mouth! -Let's go.
Come or I'll yell that I saw you
eat pork on Yom Kippur!
Now let's go.
-What's come over you?
Take it. -stop! You know
I'm terrible at this stuff.
What's with you?
You sound like a spoiled girl.
-You saw me!
You know how bad I am!
-Bad? You're terrible!
Then lay off!
-Pick a card!
Okay, now remember it. Shuffle.
You're so bad it's an art!
-I've had enough of you.
Is this your card?
Wow! You proved you're great
and I stink!
Exactly! -Go to hell.
Why do you talk like that?
-That's how I talk.
Where is hell? -Leave me alone.
-Where is it?
No good. Take the other one.
Don't piss me off, Shimon!
-So where is hell?
I'm warning you!
Here. -Thanks
-Thank you too.
You're pissing me off!
Don't make me punch an old man!
Come on!
Are you crazy?
-You come on!
I'll kick your ass!
Are you nuts?!
You're out of your mind!
You want to be a magician
or a flamenco dancer?
Don't fuck with me!
I'm warning you!
You want some more?
My name is David Montoya.
Prepare to die.
You killed my ego.
David, you can't escape it.
You were born to be number two.
Your sister's number two.
Don't be nervous, David.
Bring out the pigeon.
No problem.
Here it comes...
Where is it? Did you eat it?
Let me show you!
Not like that! Give me that!
What a duo! -Duo?
-We'll make a great team!
I'll be the magician.
You be the moron.
I'm not going on stage
as a moron!
That's life! Turn your minus
into a plus!
Think we'll ever appear in Afula?
Afula will look like Hiroshima
when we're done there.
What should we call ourselves?
"The Fire & Cracker Magic Show"
A little higher.
Guys, this is us!
Come see us!
"The Fire & Cracker Show"
Kibbutz Beit Kama.
The 28th at 8PM.
Not less than $200.
$235, not including gas.
It's a deal.
Davy, you're great!
Afula's on the left.
Don't worry, we'll get there.
We used to stand on these hills,
and fantasize.
I pretended I was a famous singer,
and he pretended to be a great performer...
He grew up in this town.
As a kid he was always,
one of the gang. A real joker...
He was a plump kid,
with red cheeks, blue eyes...
little blond curls.
A good boy. He got along
with the other kids.
As a kid, he was very shy.
He was a real nerd
when he was young.
Fat, but nice.
-Now he's a somebody.
Shut up! -Why? It's true!
Nothing to be ashamed of!
Shimon and David?
Shimon's old now,
but he was a great magician.
He and his wife traveled around
in an old truck.
But David's an embarrassment
to the profession.
He never even passed
the union test.
He's not a magician.
What's so funny?
Anita Falalil!
The best ass in the land!
Give her a hand!
I'm tired of packing up alone!
It's time you helped!
Did you see them laugh tonight?
I was amazing! Did you see?
I saw you were drunk on stage,
screwing up the routines.
What's gotten into you?
You'd better shape up.
Get into focus.
Shape up, focus work, work!
Is this the Army?
When do we have fun?
That's show business!
If you don't like it,
we can quit right now!
Davy, behave yourself.
-Give me a little ass!
Calm down baby, don't touch.
I love your body! I'm hot for
you! -Shall I say it in Hebrew?
Look at Anita, but don't touch her!
Don't be so mean!
Slydini! I can't believe it!
You saw our show?
-Let's talk man to man.
My honor, David come over here!
Come meet Slydini.
We've met.
Head of the union...
He started out like you,
as my apprentice,
and look where he is today.
I haven't worked in 15 years
and look at me.
Forget the past and
the asshole apprentice.
I want to speak to you alone.
Your show is illegal.
Wait, what are you trying to say?
Here's what's bugging you. I have
all this cash and you don't.
We have no problem with you.
Just pay your dues and that's it.
The three of us will appear together.
Me, you, and Speedy.
We'll sell out shows.
Make big money.
Without the asshole?
-Without the asshole.
Now that I'm doing well,
My friends from the past
are all walking up!
Screw you and your union!
Tonight was nothing compared to
what we'll do on Independence Day!
There's be nothing like it
in Afula or anywhere else!
Don't forget we tried
the nice way!
Take this!
Buy yourself a personality!
This isn't over yet.
Don't threaten me, asshole!
Get lost, you piece of shit!
Wow! You sure told them off!
It's not over yet, David.
If you drink again on stage,
you're on your own!
Understand, asshole?
I don't get it.
They're both males.
You know your problem, David?
You understand females
about as well as I do.
Batya did this! I'll show her!
-Leave Batya alone.
She switched a male with a female
so I'd start a zoo.
She should have left you
long ago.
Some friend. -I'm objective.
You treated her like shit.
I'm going to fry them.
I'll stuff them
with rice and lentils.
Calm down.
Let's get ready for the show.
But they're both males!
It can't be!
Those stones were our stage.
Each kid got up and
did a song or dance.
We put on all sorts of shows,
while the other kids watched.
He got his hair cut
in this chair. -This one?
Sometimes this one
or that one.
Did David get his shoes
fixed here?
He'd bring in his mother's shoes
or his father's.
Because his father
was at work.
He's just like his father.
He has his father's heart
and talent...
His "Israeliness."
And his mother's too.
-His mother's too.
His father, rest his soul,
was such a joker!
His father was...
-Such a pure soul.
There aren't many like him.
I'd give anything,
for his father
to see him now.
He was a very special guy.
After his father died,
David left.
We didn't see him
around anymore.
Shimon, if I was a girl
I'd marry you.
Stop, David.
-Why did your wife leave you?
Drop it.
-You never tell me anything.
She stopped loving me.
-That's no reason.
We had a wall in the middle
of our bedroom. -What?
One day she comes home
and says she can't stand me.
The way I look or smell
or my midget mother...
And my mother wasn't that short.
So I built a wall in our room.
1 meters high.
What did you do?
-I only plastered my side.
I don't believe it.
Plaster and paint
on my side only. -Why?
On principle.
Two years later, she left.
I can understand that.
What about the wall?
Still there.
-Why don't you take it down?
I don't have the energy, David.
I don't have the energy.
I could swear both
of my rabbits are male.
I don't get it!
Both males!
They pulled a rabbit out
of their hat!
He grew in every sense
of the word.
In size, in age...
and career. Nobody could
have dreamt this success!
Are you surprised he made it?
-Yes. -No.
I'm not. He was a gifted boy.
I'm surprised he made it
that big.
I'll se his show
on Independence Day.
You have tickets?
-No. He'll get me tickets.
"Independence Day '97, Afula"
Either Shimon performs with us,
without the asshole,
or we'll ruin them!
I'll go see the show,
but I want a personal visit.
I want to sing the song
we loved to sing as kids.
It will bring back memories,
and will touch a soft spot
in his heart.
We send him warm regards.
We wish him luck.
Thank God he's successful.
We wish him all the best.
You promised you'd visit.
My husband, Marcel,
wants to see you too.
We love him.
We're proud of him.
We miss him.
Uncle Amram will come,
Aunt Nava... Everybody.
Relax and try to focus.
Let's go over the show.
No problem, whatever...
"Whatever?" You're part
of the show too.
Don't you get it?
I'm hot! I'm on fire!
I'm going to kill them tonight!
I bet Batya will come, too!
I won't say
one word to her.
I'll bet she wants me back,
now that I'm big.
I'll show her.
-David, stop drinking.
It's not professional.
Leave me alone with
your "professionalism!"
It's really not professional!
You know your problem, Twiggy?
You're too easily influenced.
Me? You don't know
who you're talking to!
I drive the biggest stars!
-I'm the biggest star you've driven
I'll be diplomatic just to oil
the wheels of understanding
and iron out the wrinkles
between us. -What?
What did he say?
We should pay
more attention to him.
What's that?
It's Memorial Day, you moron.
We were passing and
Shimon said "There's Batya."
I said it couldn't be.
Batya wouldn't wear clothes
to match her flowers.
I see you bought
a spaceship. -Yes.
We have a show here today.
-No kidding?
Your posters
are all over town.
I have to run.
My driver has a short fuse.
If you don't have
tickets yet,
just say Davy sent you and
you'll get the best seats.
Really? -Really.
What's with you?! -What?!
You stink of liquor!
"My driver, your spaceship,
the best seats..."
I came to invite you...
-No! You're here by chance!
So if I pass by your
show by chance,
maybe I'll buy
tickets by chance.
Now if you don't mind,
you're blocking my spaceship.
Good luck.
Hey, Twinkles,
you're a big star now!
Cut it out, Machphuda! Nobody
calls me Twinkles anymore!
Can't talk to you now that
you're a big shot magician?!
Watch your mouth!
Get lost!
Ladies and gentleman!
Fireworks, thunder, lightning!
After all the coverage
and publicity,
the nigh you've waited for.
Live on Afula's Channel 9.
It's one hour before the show.
Let's peek in on the stars,
and watch them make final
preparations for the show.
We're late! Get dressed!
No cameras! Don't come in!
Come on Davy, get dressed!
Stay out!
We're bringing you the
"Fire & Cracker Show"
live from Afula...
Davy, you okay?
It's better if she doesn't
come. I mean it.
David, we're going on in a minute.
Get Batya out of your head.
You know, Shimon...
We've performed together all
over. Everywhere in the country.
Can't you buy some deodorant?
You smell like burnt rubber!
You smell like a girl
in a perfume store!
Stop, you nut!
It smells like shit!
She's a part of all of this.
It started here with her.
In this city...
Do you miss her?
Do you ever think of her?
Your wife, Marietta?
All the time, David.
All the time.
Come on, pal.
Go out for a while.
Breathe some fresh air.
Come back, and
we'll do a great show.
We made it to Afula, Shimon.
We made it to Afula, David.
Union call! You're not
going on with him!
Get lost!
-You're not going on with him!
Don't tell me what to do!
-The show is off!
Lay off!
-I warned you, you shit!
I warned him!
What now?
-Let's get out of here.
Hey, midget.
-Your mother's a midget.
Let's go somewhere. -Stop, David.
-Don't be like that! Let's go.
You know what,
Dingbat? -What?
You know what? -What?
I really missed you!
Stop, David.
-I'm crazy about your nose!
Crazy about it! -Stop!
Don't touch my nose!
Don't touch me, you egomaniac!
You haven't called for months!
Do you know what I went through?!
My family made me lay
on dead rabbis' graves
and pray for a husband!
Dead rabbis!
My Dad won't talk to me!
And I took it all!
But now. I'm happy
with my flowers.
All alone! Period!
Now some big guy just touches
my nose without permission!
I'm not part of
your hocus pocus,
and I'll never be
your assistant again! Period!
Who wants an assistant?
I want to marry you, Batya.
I don't believe you.
Batya, what's wrong?!
I've dreamed about this
my whole life!
Batya, I made it to Afula!
Marry me!
Where's David!
Someone call David!
Shimon, what happened?!
What happened?!
Where are they?!
We have five minutes to
show time! What happened?!
You'll be fine, Shimon.
Don't worry.
Where are you taking him?
-Valley Hospital.
It'll be okay...
Get the hell out of here!
Ok, Afula! The moment
we've been waiting for!
He's our own home-town boy!
He started out as a mechanic!
Now he's a big star!
"The Wizard of OZ" can't compare!
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's our own David the Magician!
Afula, give him a warm welcome!
Good evening, Afula.
Sunflower capital of the world!
Hi, Mom.
I want to tell
you all something.
I was six when I first saw
this stage,
also on Independence Day.
There was a show here,
and our parents had tickets.
My brother and I snuck in.
It was the finals of
the Afula Beauty Pageant.
They were in their bikinis.
My brother went nuts.
But I was waiting for the main
show. The host came out and said:
"Please welcome to the stage:
Yoram Gaon!"
I looked at this stage
and it was gigantic! Huge!
Gaon came out on stage
with his beret.
He sang:
"Who Deserves More Respect"
His eyes were huge
and the crowd went wild!
There wasn't a dry eye
in the house!
Suddenly I saw my mother.
I thought she'd hit me
for sneaking in.
Instead she said:
"David, Yoram Gaon came to Afula,
all the way from Tel-Aviv!"
He was so great, we couldn't
speak all the way home.
After that, I'd steal my father's
beret, may he rest in peace,
and sing "Who Deserves"
in front of the mirror.
I felt as if I was standing
on this huge stage.
But now that I'm here,
it's not so big.
It looks kind of small.
But, I'm not exactly
Yoram Gaon.
Thanks for coming to see me.
Sorry to disappoint you,
Okay, Afula! That's okay! Who doesn't
know David and his antics?
Let's thank him for his weird
version of "This is Your Life."
"David's Magic Garage"
Moshon, we've worked together.
David's the best magician around!
Yes, including the Grand Illusion.
So is it a deal? $700.
Okay, Friday Night.
-Batya, I don't work Fridays!
Friday's Fine. -Mommy
-Boaz, go to Daddy.
Mommy, pick a card.
-Friday, 5:30.
Mommy! Pick a card!
-Sound and lights on you. Bye.
You know your problem, Batya?
-What, David?
English translations:
Madeleine Ali
Video-Spot Ltd.