Airplane 2025 (2025) Movie Script
I want to talk to you tonight.
Groovy.
Did you bring
my chaser, stewardess?
Oh, I brought you a chaser.
Oh!
Oh, my...
Stewardess Gloria,
I had no idea.
Oh, wow.
It was you.
It was always you.
Has it been that obvious?
Well, every time
you've come into the cockpit,
you've been naked.
Well, that is because
I want you so bad.
What the hell is that?
Oh, it's nothing.
What do you mean it's nothing?
It's the Berlin Wall
of sex blockers.
It's the Great Wall of China
of...
But you have the key, Butch.
My father gave you the key.
Butch... Butch...
Oh, what? What? No.
Who's Butch?
I'm Barry.
-I'm not Butch.
-Huh? What?
Who's Butch?
Barry? What are you doing here?
It's me, the true
love of your life.
No, no, no.
This is an arranged marriage.
Oh, I have to leave.
I have to find Butch.
What are you,
some kind of square?
There's no virgins in 1973.
But I am a virgin.
[echoing]
Virgin... Virgin.
I heard you talking
in your sleep.
Do you like pilots?
No.
Why are you
traveling solo today?
Oh, no. My girlfriends
and I are flying to D.C.
You see, I'm getting
hitched to this guy.
It's kind of a
last moment thing.
-Married?
-Mm-hmm.
Far out.
Good evening and welcome
to DTF Airlines Flight 420.
We will begin boarding
our red-eye
to Washington D.C. momentarily.
Get ready and buckle up.
-Gloria!
-Oh!
How's college life
without me?
Boring, of course.
Of course.
Chest out stomach in.
Here comes Suzy Kellerman!
Wait, are you working
this flight?
Yes.
Economy with Dolores De Hado,
and you're late,
Miss Kellerman.
Really? Dolores?
-Buzzkill?
-She'll be fine.
The clock is ticking.
I'm sorry, Ms. Rickenbottem.
I just need to get changed
real quick, ladies.
You mean this isn't
your stewardess uniform?
I'm timing you.
This plane will
leave without you.
They wouldn't dare.
Let's go.
Proper bachelorette parties
call for proper attire.
Ooh!
I don't know.
This looks a little risqu.
I know, isn't it grand?
Sweetness is here!
[squealing]
Oh, and a thousand blessings
for your wonderful marriage!
Oh, Candy, don't tell me
you're still
planning on becoming a nun.
Of course I am.
I'm going straight
to the Vatican
after we send her
off down the aisle
because God
is my perfect husband.
He never cheats
and always forgives me
if I ask him real nice.
Here, put this on.
Ah!
Look, this...
this is my deal with God.
This is my last hurrah.
And then I'm just going to
give it up to the Lord Almighty.
So, anything goes?
Just on this plane.
Ah! It's going to be a gas!
Come on.
Don't be such a square, Gloria.
Even the Lord is
giving her a pass.
Praise Jesus.
Fine.
I'm in like Flynn.
Yay!
Are you not changing too?
Oh, yes.
I'm working on your flight.
I've got to quit this job.
I am so tired of being an
actress who isn't actressing.
A model who isn't modeling.
Just as long as you give
us the liquor cart
so we can keep liquor-ing.
Of course, because
Gloria's getting married!
[squealing]
Oh, girls! Thank you.
I'm so happy.
This is a party,
not a shrink session.
Oh, I have just the thing
to make you... wait for it.
Forget all your worry.
Candy, how'd you get
that in there?
They'll put you in jail.
No, God will protect us.
And Suzy helped.
I gave Phil at
security a bag.
Candy, I never pictured
you as a druggie.
I'm not.
But the plane is my hall pass
for the next five hours.
Now it's a party!
Before we send our beautiful
Gloria off down the aisle,
we've got to make
sure she is drunk,
drugged, and plugged.
before we land the plane.
I can't!
I'm a virgin.
But wait, you and Barry
were together for years.
You never...
I just... I couldn't.
There's so much pressure.
What if I do something wrong?
Honey, you could do
it so wrong
that his Johnson would break
off in your vagina,
and he would still thank you.
That's reassuring.
Then don't.
Don't what? Have sex
with my husband? Ever?
No, don't lose
your virginity to him.
Lose it with
somebody else first.
Like a practice sex.
Yeah.
-On the plane!
-Yeah!
But I don't think the airline
offers these kinds of services.
Sure they do.
Haven't you ever heard
of the Mile High Club?
Is it like Girl Scouts
but for doing it?
Yeah!
You just find some
Joe Schmoe on Aisle 6B and...
Do it right there?
No, we're not animals,
you do it in the bathroom!
Ew, the bathroom!
I once had a friend who did
it in the luggage rack once.
I thought he was so weird.
A friend?
I don't know.
You act like it's life-changing.
It's really not.
It's whatever.
If it's whatever, then
you're just doing it all wrong.
It really could be heavenly.
[giggling]
It isn't.
Well, I hope that you have
your spiritual awakening
on the Mile High Club today.
Attention. DTF Airlines flight
420 will be boarding shortly.
All passengers
who need more assistance
will begin boarding now.
Well, I think I'm okay
with this just being
a Bachelorette party.
Gloria, this could be your
last chance to have some fun.
I mean, who even owns
what your husband is like.
Good point.
Think of it as your
last chance to be
in charge of your own destiny
one last time.
And we'll join you!
Not like, join you.
-Uh-uh.
-No.
Not like join you, but we'll
join the Mile High Club too.
Maybe. Fine.
Okay.
Okay, I'm in.
-Yay!
-Kind of. Ish.
-Oh.
-Maybe.
-Huh?
-Kind of.
Okay, 100% I'm in.
-[cheering]
-Ish.
But you can't tell Butch.
It's gonna be our little secret.
-To the Mile High Club!
-To the Mile High Club!
To Gloria!
Co-pilot Matthews?
I didn't see anything here.
Did you?
No, Miss Kellerman.
Have a good day.
As to you, too.
We will see you on the plane!
Oh!
Attention, DTF Airlines
flight 420 to Washington, D.C.
is now boarding.
All first-class ticket
holders may board now.
What about John Holmes in there?
Oh, it wouldn't be the first
time he's missed a flight.
Come on, ladies.
Let's get out of here.
Ah!
[chuckles]
[moaning, chattering]
All right, keep it single file,
clean and tight.
Thank you.
Oh, we're boarding
first-class right now,
so you'll have to go
to the back of the line.
Can't you do something
for a celebrity?
If I see one.
Ugh.
Oh my God!
What have you done to my coffee?
Centro Coff commercials.
Um...
Come on, I did like
three of those things.
Okay, hey.
Hi.
Sorry, I know
my cousin is a douche.
Do you think you would have
first class seats for us please?
Oh, that commercial.
Yeah, and here are
your first class tickets.
Whoa, first class.
You are a fan of me.
Huge fan.
Thank you.
-Bambi.
-Bambi.
Next.
Hey, hot stuff,
how's it hanging?
Ticket, please.
Ticket.
Oh...
Really, Bo?
What? No.
Velvet Underground,
Zappa, Nico.
Not some Frampton-wannabe
wedding singer.
Well, maybe he can
be your mile high man meat.
I'd rather do Pat Boone
while Liberace watched.
Fiddlesticks, she looks P.O.ed.
I'll see you ladies
on the plane. Ta ta.
Bye.
What if I can't even find
anyone I want to do it...
...with.
Oh, Gloria, I don't
think you're gonna have
any trouble getting liftoff.
I left my purse
in the locker room.
You better boogie,
we're about to board.
-Okay
-Go.
Oh, you are trouble,
aren't you?
Looking for this?
Yes, thank you.
[gasps]
Barry?
Come to stop you from
getting on that plane.
Oh, I have nothing
to say to you.
Then say nothing and
just run away with me.
Oh, Barry, it's too late.
I'm really sorry for what I
put you and your dad through
and I will pay him back
every cent.
And look, I got a job now.
It's a real job,
I'm a janitor.
It's legitimate, they take
out taxes and everything.
It's a weekly paycheck.
Look, and if that's not enough,
I will get two jobs.
No, I'll get three.
I will get 10 jobs
to pay your debt.
Barry...
Look, you gotta learn
to trust me again.
You have to know that I love you
and I never meant to
hurt you or your father
and I will spend the rest
of my life paying him back
for that stupid,
stupid investment.
Well, it wasn't that stupid.
Reusable wallpaper so
you can change the look
of your room every day.
It was actually mondo cool.
Didn't even stick to the wall.
My father invested everything.
I know.
Goodbye, Barry.
[moaning, banging]
Whoa, are you okay?
Yeah, I think
I just saw a ghost.
Let's boogie.
Hello, ladies.
Oh, sweet mother of God,
help me.
Captain Jesus.
What smells so heavenly?
Me, that's me,
me, my new perfume.
Do you want
to smell me, Jesus?
It's Jesus... Captain.
Captain Jesus,
the J is silent.
Oh.
I've been saying it
wrong this whole time.
You smell divine.
Can I help you,
Captain Jesus?
Yes, yes, Miss Rickenbottem.
Have you seen my copilot?
I want to make it to the church
on time as the saying goes.
Let me page him.
Yes.
I'm here, I'm here.
Sorry I'm late.
The runs, you know.
Just messy, messy stuff.
Messy stuff?
Will you be joining us?
Of course,
I am flying the plane.
Oh, cool.
Okay.
Come on, Delilah.
[giggling]
[record scratch]
Hi, pumpkin.
Daddy? What are you
doing on this plane?
Well, I'm headed to D.C.
like you.
I'm still a senator.
I'm not in jail yet.
Daddy, that's not funny.
I'm kidding.
I wouldn't miss
my daughter's big day.
Yeah, but I didn't expect
you for a few more days.
Don't worry, I'm gonna
stay out of your hair.
You guys do your Tupperware
parties or press-on.
Whatever it is your girls do,
I'm sure it's nice and innocent.
I got a little work, and then
the happiest day of my life.
Okay.
Hey, Bo.
Sir, yes, sir.
Permission to speak freely, sir.
Your fly's unzipped, sir.
Okay, all right.
Hey, Bo, I'm sorry you got
kicked out of medical school.
Oh, that's okay.
They were just mad that I was
screwing with the cadavers.
Yeah, I'm sure your
parents are very proud.
Does she have to be here?
Daddy, she's my oldest friend.
I thought I was your
oldest friend.
Okay, not you're oldest,
but your hottest.
[laughing]
Is it Candy?
It's Candy right?
-Candy.
-Hi, Candy.
Hi, sir.
Okay, I hate to break up
the sting operation,
but it's time for us unwashed
to go back to the economy class.
Honey, stay up here
with me, please.
Daddy?
Okay.
I'll see you in D.C.
Don't do anything stupid.
-Hey.
-Go, go, go, go.
See you later.
Don't worry, Senator.
I'm keeping an eye
on her, okay?
Okay.
My little girl's
getting married.
I don't give a shit.
You're a whore.
Reading is fundamental.
You sure you're okay?
Why? What?
What'd you hear?
-The runs.
-Oh, yeah. No.
I'm cool, man. Thanks.
What do you want me to do first?
Your funny.
I like that.
You're the captain.
So wait. Aren't you supposed
to be clean-shaven?
You know, captain.
Oh, this.
Yeah, I think it's, um...
I think it's sexy.
Do you not agree?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I agree. Yeah.
Does Uncle Sam agree?
I don't know.
I don't know your uncles, but
I'm sure they're sexy as well.
I'm actually a transfer
pilot from Nazareth.
This is your first
American flight?
Yeah.
Okay. Great.
-[alarm sounds]
-Oh, no. Oh, oh, oh.
[laughing]
You're a funny man.
I actually needed that.
This is, uh,
my first flight as captain.
So really glad you're here.
Yeah, me too.
Especially after hearing that.
Oh, relax.
I was a co-pilot
for a very long time.
All right.
We are clear for takeoff.
Doors and windows are locked.
Fuel checks out.
Let's back this baby up.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking.
We are clear for takeoff.
I can't believe
my father's on this plane.
I'm not gonna do this
whole Mile High Club thing,
not with my dad
in the first class.
Eww!
Why would you do it
with your Dad? Gross.
No!
I meant, how am I supposed
to join the Mile High Club?
With this!
-Glory be to God!
-Where did that come from?
-From St. Suzy.
-Here we go!
-Candy!
-Whoa, whoa, whoa. Girl.
What?
This is it for me.
I've got to make the best
of it while I can.
Besides...
I might have had a
Quaalude or two prior to this.
No turning back now.
Oh my gosh, are you
tripping right now?
No!
Are you a talking giraffe?
Holy crap!
How much did you take?
You ask a lot of questions
for a talking giraffe.
[laughing]
Ladies, flasks at the ready!
Shh!
There are people here.
To the one Mile High Club!
-This giraffe drinks to that.
-Yeah!
Fine.
To the Mile High Club!
[laughing]
Oh, yeah.
Cleared for take-off.
Hello, Senator.
Care for a drink?
Yes, I would, Angel.
Where are you going?
I got to take a leak.
You got it from here.
Yeah, yeah, of course
Just like dad's prop-plane.
Okay.
[beeping]
Hey, nothing like
Dad's prop lane.
Hey, Bambi,
need help with snacks?
Oh, no, I got this.
Half of them are asleep anyways.
Plus, Dolores will
be back in a minute.
Red-eye flights are aces, girl.
So, how are your friends?
Oh? What friends?
Best friends since grade school,
all of us girls are, really,
and now Gloria's
getting married.
I'm so happy for her.
So sweet.
Have you met the fianc?
None of us have,
not even Gloria.
What?
Old school.
Is she Amish?
Is that like
being a Republican?
Her dad's the senator
in first class.
Senator Rufus?
That's her dad?
He's a bit of a square,
but he really loves her.
[chime sounds]
Oh, gotta go.
So, Gloria, are you scoping
out who you want
to join the Mile High Club with?
Maybe that cute tennis player
that was checking you out.
Maybe, I don't know.
I just feel a little...
nervous, but after
everything with Barry,
I really want to join the
Mile High Club in this plane.
Because I'm the one
in charge of my destiny.
Not Barry, certainly not Butch.
Butch.
B-u-u-u-u-tch.
Who's Butch?
My husband whom I
haven't even met yet.
Butch.
You're not gonna have
a problem joining
the Mile High Club.
Plus that
tennis player's a stud.
You two would look
so hot together.
Stop it.
I don't know, isn't it wrong
to cheat on my fianc?
You haven't even met him yet.
It's not cheating
in the Lord's eyes.
But I'm all the way up here and
he's all the way back there.
Bo, what are you doing?
Giving fate and
your libido a little nudge.
No! Bo!
Excuse me, sir.
Do you think you can
switch seats with me?
It's just I'm sitting in the
middle and I have to pee a lot.
It's a really long flight
and I have a little bladder.
Oh, yeah, sure.
No problemo.
Mmm... Hey, ladies.
Wow, that's quite
a rocket... a racket.
Yeah, it's got a good head size
and the length is really perfect
when I gotta slam it in.
Ooh!
[chuckles]
I'll drink to that.
Attention, passengers.
The captain has turned off
the fasten seatbelt sign
and turned on the smoking sign.
Enjoy.
Are you and your
new friend...
Candy, no.
Thanks, dudette.
The world is more connected
by the love
that you express
through your kindness.
That's so deep, my son.
Gloria, isn't that... deep?
Of course.
I know, right?
Do you two want to talk
about this alone
in our private VIP
first class lounge?
Oh, love knows
no social construct.
Love knows no caste system.
VIP is a myth.
You can do drugs
and have sex in private.
Righteous, let's go.
Okay, follow me.
Love you, baby.
Talk to you later.
Love you, too. Oh.
Yeah!
Mmm.
Ah, sweet bud.
It's been a while.
Hmm, yeah, sweet bud.
[coughs]
That's so cool, man.
You try.
Okay, um...
Oh, cool, man, um...
Whoa!
Woo!
I always forget,
this stuff perks me up so fast.
Oh, damn.
I'm sporting a
major kickstand right now.
Oh, yeah?
Well, let's park
that bike of yours, big boy.
-Is that sexy talk?
-Yeah.
Cool.
Oh, okay, it's happening.
All right.
Let's do it.
You first, you first, you first.
Yeah, that's what
I'm talking about.
Get Big Burt, get Big Burt,
get Big Burt.
-[squeals]
-Let's go.
Mm-hmm.
Let's go, yeah.
Oh, oh, oh, yes.
Come here.
[growls]
Oh, I love this.
Oh, I love this.
I love you.
The universe is love, baby.
Oh, wait, you don't love me.
We just met.
Oh, this is going way too fast.
Sorry, sister,
this isn't going to work.
I'm a professional
tennis player.
Mm-hmm?
Each match has to start
one way and one way only.
Love.
It is not only
my personal life philosophy.
It is in
the internationally recognized
professional tennis
players handbook.
Okay, I'm being such a headcase
about this, I'm sorry.
It's just a lot going on.
-Let's try this again.
-No, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry, I can't.
My bike's got a flat.
Oh.
Well, that was fast.
[sighs]
Um...
I think I'm going to go now.
Bye, my sister.
But it's all love, baby.
It's all love.
Damn it!
Hi, what happened?
The window of opportunity
has slammed shut.
I wasn't loving it a lot
the way you wanted me to.
Well, you're a virgin.
You'll get better with practice.
Gross, Suzy,
I didn't mean it like that.
Hey, baby, what's up?
Doesn't pro tennis drug test?
You bet your ass they do.
Let's get you back to your seat.
Fuck!
How am I supposed
to sneak past my dad?
I can't let him know I was just
trying to lose my virginity.
Just stay behind me, okay?
And sneak past when
you get a chance.
Okay.
Oh, hello, senator.
Um, this is our mid-flight
champagne service.
Thank you, Suzy.
Hey, hey, was that
my, uh, daughter?
Oh, don't be silly. I think
you've had a few too many.
Okay. Okay.
[gasps]
Are you an actor?
Yes.
And I bet you're an actress.
Yes, I am.
How could you tell?
Oh, you have obvious talent.
I'm Sid Epstein.
You may remember me
from that commercial.
Oh, my God.
What have you done
to my coffee?
Yes, you were incredible.
You actually inspired me
to switch brands.
That means the world to me.
Sadly, that's true.
Are you up for
another commercial?
Uh, I'm headed to New York
for a big audition.
Huh.
We have a layover in D.C.,
which I need,
because I don't
have my lines down.
Well, um, maybe I could
help you with your lines.
I'd love that, but where?
I would hate to disturb
the other passengers.
Meet me in the VIP lounge
in the back in 10 minutes.
It'll be just you and me.
I just need to kick
a few people out first.
Out of sight.
Excuse me.
Um, I hate to break up your
little casting session,
but can I have some champagne?
Oh, yes.
I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna need all this.
Thank you.
Okay. Okay.
You proud of yourself?
-Daily.
-Ugh.
Wow. That was fast.
Typical.
See, Bo, you've only
had bad sex.
We never did it.
He started talking about love,
and I started thinking
about Barry.
Barry?
Why are you thinking
about Barry?
I meant Butch.
my future husband,
whom I'm marrying for love.
-Butch.
-You said Barry.
-It was a slip of the tongue.
-A Freudian slip.
A Freudian tongue slip.
The point is, we never did it.
I can't do it.
I will never do it.
Okay, Mrs. Humpalong Cassidy.
Suzy did drop off
a little fun!
Put that away! Now!
Oh, you don't want
to see her put it away.
No, you don't want
to see me put it away.
Okay, this was all
fun and games...
Until I poke your eye out!
You have to stop!
Come on, it's just a little
Bachelorette party.
-Fun and games.
-Mm-hmm.
See, it's like pin
the tail on the donkey,
except with a big old dong.
And don't worry.
This is modeled after Adam,
so God was okay with it.
Well, I don't know
how I feel about it.
Come on. It's just classic
Bachelorette shenanigans.
On a plane?
With people?
-They can play.
-Yeah.
Plus, most of them are sleeping.
And they're all adults.
Does anybody care if we
have a Bachelorette party
in this section?
I'll strip if you strip.
Uh, no, thank you. We've already
seen what you have to offer,
and it turned us all gay.
Mm-hmm.
I'd love to see that.
Eww, creep.
See, we're good.
We're good.
Okay. Fine.
Let's get this over with.
Yay.
Okay, I'll set it up.
Now this is a party.
Yeah.
-One, two. And three.
-Is that a dildo?
Oh my God.
[chattering, shrieking]
Whose dick is this?
I am so sorry.
See?
These things hurt people.
I don't want to do this anymore.
These things don't hurt people.
Carts full
of penis sausages did.
Come on, Gloria,
just play the game.
You have to do one
Bachelorette party thing
for this to even
count as one.
And then we can go back
to finding you a man for real.
-Go.
-Fine.
Here we go!
Go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go!
Get me off!
I would, but we just met.
However, I did notice you
checking me out at the boarding.
Uh, I'm actually pre-med
and I noticed a lump
on your right testicle
because your pants
are crazy stupid tight.
I mean, what's the point
of even wearing pants?
Did you want me to
take them off for you?
No, no, I've seen enough.
But you need to see
a doctor. Stat.
I take it you're
a James Taylor girl.
Zappa, Nico,
Velvet Underground.
Whatever, asshole. You just wish
that you were in their league.
Hey, I toured with
Ziggy Pop in 69.
No, you didn't.
Screw you.
What? You don't believe me?
I believe that any man
who dresses
in a Halloween costume
for a living would say
all kinds of crazy
crap to get laid.
Honey, I don't need to work this
hard to get a hot lady naked.
That should tell
you something about you.
[gasps]
Oh!
What a jerk.
[giggles]
You totally have a crush
on that Steel Cobra fella.
I'd rather vote for Nixon.
Bo, I've known you for years.
You only crush the soul of
the people you want to screw.
And it's a defense mechanism
to see if they're worthy.
Therapy.
-Wow.
-I can be smart, too.
Well, that's all fine and good.
We still need to find Gloria
someone to make it with.
Mm-hmm.
And, oh, speaking of Gloria.
Where is Gloria?
She was just here a minute ago.
Hello?
Am I close?
Yeah, this way, this way.
Hello?
Candy?
"Lest I come and strike
the earth with a curse."
Man, God is so rad.
What do you think?
Oh, yeah, I mean,
it's incredible
that He let all this happen.
See, I knew you were a good guy.
Yeah.
[sighs]
Candy?
Bo?
Wait, I know that voice.
-Am I close?
-Gloria.
Careful on your way out.
Careful on your way out.
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
[beeping]
We're all gonna die.
This isn't fun anymore.
Okay, I'm just gonna
put it right here.
-Barry?
-Gloria.
You were a...
Penis? Ew!
That's...
Gloria!
-Hey!
-Yes?
-Is that my daughter?
-No, sir.
-Is she okay?
-Yes, sir.
I mean, you are asleep.
-Am I?
-You are.
I'm captain of
the Dreamtime Airwaves,
and you need to go to sleep.
You look familiar.
Familiar in a way that
makes me very, very angry.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Go to sleep.
Sleep tight.
Shh...
[snoring]
Gloria!
Look, Sid, you're
a better actor than he is.
Thanks, cousin.
But isn't that the pilot?
Weren't you supposed to
go to the VIP lounge
to hook up with that sunflower?
Sure thing.
I can't wait for her
to read lines with me.
Be nice.
What? Please, wait!
Just stop! Stop!
Barry, what are you doing here?
I'm trying to stop
you from marrying somebody
you don't even know.
By sneaking on to the plane
and pretending to be a captain?
Co-captain!
Co-captain!
Just... shh!
I don't want people to panic.
Who's even flying
this plane right now?
Jesus.
What's that?
Gloria.
Will you marry me?
I know there's not
a ring in there right now,
but there will be.
[laughing]
Barry...
No. Get up, get up, get up.
Gloria!
Give me another chance, Gloria.
Barry, you're
not husband material.
She sells seashells...
You made it!
I was beginning to think
you weren't going to come.
For you, I'll always... come.
Great, because I think you're
a perfect fit for this role.
I'm so glad you
think I'm a perfect fit.
Yeah, the script
is pretty tight, so...
So tight.
Are you okay?
I just really want to nail this.
You're going to nail this...
so good.
[giggles]
[chuckles]
Um...
Right, your
character goes first.
Yeah, she does.
So...
Oh, yeah, I'm so sorry.
The cancer has spread
through your daughter's bones,
Mr. President.
I was afraid you were going
to say that, Dr. Potter.
We've called in specialists from
around the world, Mr. President.
You just need to relax.
Oh, wait.
I don't think you do that.
No, this is my interpretation.
Oh.
Wait, can we at
least run lines?
Yes, yes.
Okay...
Will she even make it to her
next birthday, Dr. Potter?
I promised her a puppy.
We're doing the best we can,
Mr. President.
We'd like to put her
in a coma for the next
eight days, so that we can...
A coma?
She's just a little girl.
A little girl with
a fatal disease.
A disease that will slowly
atrophy the body.
A disease that will
cause her to lose
her bladder and
bowel control.
A disease that will choke
her with her own saliva
until all you fear
are her gurgling sounds.
-Oh, but...
-No.
Wait, there's more.
Her body will become extremely
weak and collapse upon itself.
She will become
practically paralyzed.
Her bones with tumors may break
and not heal and
be unbearably painful.
And all you'll be hearing
is her gurgled screams
rattling through the East Wing
of the White House.
[moaning]
How much time will she have?
Three weeks.
Oh, not a moment to spare!
End scene.
Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
Wow.
You are an amazing actress.
You're great, too.
Whoa.
Oh, I mean...
Oh, I think I know my lines now.
We make a great team.
Thanks.
Have a great audition.
Bye.
I think I'm booking this.
Oh, co-pilot, what
are you doing back here?
[gasps]
Listen here, mister,
impersonating a pilot
can get you 20 years in jail.
Who are you and what did you
do with co-pilot Matthews?
Barry Montgomery, ma'am, and
I didn't do anything
co-pilot Matthews.
He was sleeping
with someone else,
and I needed to get
onto this plane and Gloria.
-Oh, Gloria.
-Hi.
Are you the fianc?
Uh... No.
Oh, well, then
are you a stripper?
No. Why?
Why would you say that?
Well, you just...
you're dressed like a stripper.
Well, no, this is co-pilot
Matthews uniform.
Ah-ha!
Well, he used to strip
on the weekends.
I'm sorry.
Barry...
Save it for the police feds.
-You, hey! Come on.
-Gloria, I love you.
-Come on.
-Ouch!
Okay, this is just
a minor setback.
I will figure out everything.
Hey, thanks for
helping with my cousin.
I'm Liz, by the way.
I'm done line reading.
I'm not an actor.
I'm a producer.
It's a man's world,
and I am determined
to prove a girl
can do the job just as well.
Probably better.
You're impressive.
You mean my ass is impressive?
Sure.
But all of you is impressive.
A word of advice.
Your asset, that'll
get you in the door.
But this...
Well, that'll keep
you in the door.
I think there's more
to you that meets the eye.
And I'd like to find out what.
Maybe you will make
it in a man's world.
You sure sound like them.
But unlike them, I mean it.
I think there's more to you.
I'd like to find out what.
Suzy...
You hiding the clam juice
in there?
I think I'm gay.
Groovy.
In so much trouble.
We'll see what the real captain
has to say about this.
Barry!
Yes, Senator! Senator!
-Daddy, daddy, daddy!
-I know!
I know he took all your money,
but please don't hurt him!
This guy's nothing but a two-bit
hustlin' jive turkey!
Dad, that's harsh,
even for Barry!
Gentlemen, I have
to restrain him
and get him to the authorities.
-I like you.
-Oh...
I'll tell you what,
I'll restrain him.
You go tell the pilot
to call the FBI.
Daddy, if you do anything to
harm him, I won't marry Butch!
-Pop your head like a zit.
-Senator!
Dad!
Captain, your co-pilot,
he's an imposter
and we don't have anything--
Mayday, mayday, our landing gear
won't go down. Over!
See? No response.
The radio isn't working.
Wait, what?
Something internal is blocking
the wheels from disengaging.
When do we land in D.C.?
Three hours and 35 minutes.
Okay, we have that
long to figure this out.
And why is the
radio not working?
Because God hates me.
Besides that.
That's the only thing I can
think of that makes sense.
Okay, all right.
If you can get the
hydraulic equipment
to align with the aerial
transmission system,
then you can subdue
the thrusting system,
which will override
the automatic failsafe,
which sounds like
it's erroneously preventing
this in the first place.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What if we just pray?
Yeah, sure.
I guess we can just do that.
Okay.
There's a prayer
for plane crashes.
It's in Job.
Gloria, tell your father about
the job that I've taken up.
You couldn't get enough jobs.
Sit your ass down.
I'm making
a citizen's arrest.
Gloria, I'm so sorry.
What?
Hey, Senator, this is...
-Gloria, what is it?
-What are you...
Actually, Senator,
I just want to...
Hey, hey, weirdo!
-No, no, no!
-No!
It's not like that.
Here, I just want
to show you something.
This, right here.
This, right here. This.
Excuse me.
Is that a bomb?
What?
No, no, no, no.
This is a radio frequency
transmogrifier.
It's like a radio
without a cord, okay?
Look, I will give you a
thousand shares of my company
if you call off
Gloria's wedding.
Bartholomew Montgomery!
You promised me.
No more deals.
No more inventions.
Sweetheart, it is not
like that at all, okay?
It is exactly like that!
[screams]
So, do you think
I should cancel
the wedding of my daughter
to the son
of the Chief Justice of the
United States Supreme Court
so she could marry you, a
hillbilly inbred meat puppet?
You think that's a good idea?
I'll tell you what else.
They got walkie talkies
without cords, you know?
And they got radios
without cords.
And I bought my daughter
something like that
when she was three months old.
Senator, this is like
a phone, but smarter.
Look, I will give you 500 shares
regardless of what happened
just because I feel so bad
about what's happening to Gloria
and the past investment.
Look, I am trying to
do everything I can
to make this right.
Let me fix this.
Well, I'll tell you what,
you better have
invented something
that cuts through prison bars
because that's what
you're going to need.
Bad sex again?
No.
Barry pretending to be a copilot
to sneak on the plane
and try and win me back.
Barry, like,
Barry your ex, Barry?
Yes.
Barry stowed onto the plane.
I don't even know a
man I'm about to marry.
I can't seem to find a way
to join a Mile High Club.
This thing is just such a drag.
Oh my gosh, look at me, hey.
You are awesome.
We're your best friends,
and we always will be.
Barry is a stupid idiot,
and of course he wants
you back because, duh.
And the new guy
you're about to marry?
He's the luckiest
man on the planet.
We are going to get you
in the Mile High Club today,
and then after that,
you can go and live
your life to the fullest.
Okay.
-Groovy.
-Yes.
Bambi! I've decided that today
will be my final day
as a stewardess.
From now on, I'm going to
focus all of my energy
on my real dream
of becoming an actress.
What?
When we land, I'm going
to turn in my uniform
and my regulation pantyhose.
Oh, land?
We can't land.
Bambi, honey, what's wrong?
Nothing, it's just
that the wheels are stuck
and they can't come down,
but we can pray this away.
That's what Jesus is
going to do.
You know, I have
a lot of cats at home.
Do you think
they're going to miss me?
I don't know.
What if one of
my friends is a mechanic?
Could this be
fixed from the inside?
Yes.
Yes, absolutely, yes.
-Yes!
-Yes, okay.
Holy crap.
That's real heavy, man.
Suzie says that
you're a mechanic.
My dad has a shop and
I know some stuff,
but that's more like
jeeps and trucks.
This is an airplane.
This is going
to take two people.
No, no, but this is your thing.
This is what you
were meant to do.
You can save us.
Like Batman and Robin.
Or Simon and Garfunkel.
Is she okay?
Not really.
I don't know, you guys.
I'll do it.
Probably takes a real men
to do it anyways.
Yeah, and since there aren't
any real men here, I'll do it.
No, man.
My dad built these things.
But here's the thing.
It's going to take two people.
Let's go.
Unless you're too chicken shit.
Bye.
See you on the other side.
Wait, wait.
What can I do?
I can't believe
I'm saying this, but
I saw how our pilot...
Yep, me.
I'll do it.
Yes.
Hello, Mr. Jesus.
Suzy and Dolores are busy
tending to the passengers
and Bambi is helping
with the jammed wheel.
She just deputized me,
so I'm a stewardess now.
And I'm here to
give you what you want.
Lady, you can't be in here.
Well, maybe I'm the answer
to all your prayers.
You heard my prayers?
Mm-hmm. I'm going to be a nun.
I can hear everybody's prayers.
A nun?
But not right now.
Right now, I'm just me.
I'm just Candy.
Candy?
Sounds sweet.
Melts in your mouth.
I don't think we're going
to get out of this alive.
I'm so nervous, I...
I can barely concentrate
on flying.
Well, maybe I can
help you concentrate.
My king of kings.
All right. This compartment
leads to the APU center.
Go through cargo and into
the avionics center,
and there you'll find the
hydraulic override lever.
Copacetic,
it's do or die time, man.
Ladies first.
Good luck.
Thanks.
We're going to need it.
Rock and roll, man.
Take these.
Excuse me.
Dad, we may not
have a lot of time,
and there's some business
I need to settle with Barry,
regardless of how you feel.
Gloria, sweetheart, what
else can I do to win you back?
Everything you say can and
will be held against you.
Barry, you're a criminal now.
I know, I know.
I've been self-centered.
I mean, even today,
but I told you about that job,
and I want to pay your dad back,
and we can work on
repayment plans and I... I...
Yeah, that plan will
take 492 years.
Shush, Dad, this
doesn't concern you.
Kind of does.
Barry, I think it's
a good first step
in figuring things out
with my dad, but Barry, why?
Why do you want me so much?
I mean, you have
the sweetest laugh,
and you encourage my dreams
and those lips,
and your eyes,
and God, you've got a
very hot body.
Stop it.
A decent body.
Well, I don't
see myself that way.
That's okay, because I do.
I always have,
and I always will.
Oh, Barry.
-Ugh!
-Dad!
I'm grabbing a barf bag.
You guys are disgusting.
Gloria!
I feel so enlightened...
and so turned on.
I'm so upset that
I gave in to temptation.
But I'm also way too high
to do anything about it.
[giggles]
[clatter]
I'm in the sky.
Yeah, you are.
Look at those clouds.
Look at that.
[laughing]
Your true purpose
reveals itself.
St. Angela, is that really you?
You must show them what to do.
Me?
Trust in the Lord
to guide you.
My son...
God, is that you?
Yes, my son.
Cool.
Do you not know that
your bodies
are temples of the Holy Spirit,
who is in you whom
you have received from God?
You are not your own.
You were bought at a price.
Therefore, honor God
with your bodies.
What does that mean, Father?
It means you
should totally do her.
Trust in God.
Trust in God.
Fuck me.
Fuck me until
I reach true salvation.
I can do that.
Wait, I have to get something.
Oh, my goodness.
Where is it?
Yeah.
Hey, don't do that.
That's not yours.
Ow, shit.
That's my bag.
You see, that's my name.
-Oh.
-That's me.
Sorry.
Man, you hit really hard.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, what is that?
Oh, some sort of rock star
elephant tranquilizer
to calm your nerves?
Which you need, by the way.
These are my fun
drugs, all right?
Not that it's any
of your business.
And lady,
an elephant tranquilizer
couldn't chill your
tight ass out.
Hey, I happen to
like my tight ass.
Gloria, please give me
another chance.
Barry, please.
I don't want to spend
the last moments
of my life
regretting my choices.
This plane is going to crash.
What do you mean the plane
is going to crash?
What are you talking about?
What is going on here?
-We're going down to the ground.
-What?
Honey, I never
loved your mother.
I wanted to tell
you that before we died.
[shivering]
You okay?
What? Yeah.
Drinks?
No, okay, something's wrong.
I have a sense
about these things.
I don't think
I'm supposed to tell you.
Okay, now you have to tell me.
That's like the rule.
The wheels won't go down.
So can't we just glide?
If we were over water.
This isn't a water plane.
We are not over water.
So what happens?
We crash?
Yeah.
Oh.
Liz, can I tell you?
Uh...
-I just thought that...
-Mmm, mmm.
[exhales]
Sorry, go on.
When we were
talking earlier, I, um...
We don't have a
lot of time, right?
Mm-mm.
So you had sex with my cousin
and it didn't go well.
You feel weird.
You're starting to have
weird feelings towards me.
Never felt that way
towards a woman.
Mm-mm.
Are we going to die?
I think we should have sex.
If you want to.
Uh, I want to.
Okay.
[laughing]
Oh...
[giggling]
Let me just
turn on autopilot first.
I'll be right back.
Where are you going?
[moaning]
Flight 420, are you there?
Over?
You're going down.
Is that God?
I don't know.
But you'll hear angels
when I do this.
[moaning]
Engage your thrust.
You need to speed up.
Don't listen to God.
Do not listen to God.
Slow right on down.
[moaning]
[giggling]
[moaning]
Look, it's the hydraulic lever.
[struggles]
Crap.
It's made with parts
before the war.
Little help?
Sounds like my dad.
Question is, which war?
On the count of three, okay?
One, two, three.
[groaning]
[moaning]
You know, you really
hurt me back there.
I'm sorry.
I have three brothers and
I come from a military family.
Ooh, yeah.
That's going to leave a mark.
I'll live.
Whoa!
Right.
We're supposed to
hate each other, I forgot.
No, you idiot.
Why does it feel like
we're still falling?
We fixed the hydraulic.
Maybe we weren't fast enough.
And we're going
to die any minute.
Any minute.
Wait.
Oh, my God.
I was just about
to have amazing sex.
But we're going to
die before it happens.
Really?
You're my type.
You're totally my type.
Einstein with like
a Raquel Welch bod.
Congratulations, because you
are totally not my type.
But I think we can make it work.
Let's do it.
Do what?
It.
Everyone, please stay seated.
CANDY:
Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.
Oh, yes. Oh, Jesus.
She's a very sweet girl.
She's going to be a nun.
Does she know that?
She really loves Jesus.
I mean, she loves Jesus.
CANDY:
Jesus.
Sounds like she found Him.
Ah!
Come to Snake.
[grunting]
Yeah, you like that?
Yeah, I do.
-Who's the rock star, baby?
-Oh, yeah.
Iron Snake, yeah.
Say my name.
-I don't know your name.
-It's Iron Snake.
-Iron Snake!
-Iron Snake!
Hey, what's your real name?
No autographs for you.
Bad girl.
[moaning]
Ooh!
Yeah, just like this.
Oh, you're going
to break my hole!
Oh, yeah, that's right,
snakes go in so deep.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, hiss at me, baby.
-[hisses]
-Yeah.
[giggling]
[moaning]
Oh, yeah...
[moaning]
[shrieking]
[grunting]
-Oh, you like that?
-I do!
Oh, yeah, you
like this position?
I love it.
This is called an
Iron Snake ride.
-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah.
Oh, come on.
Oh, yeah, unplug my pipes.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, who's my groupie now?
You're my groupie.
-No, I don't like that.
-Oh, yes you do.
Oh, I like that.
Oh, yeah, you like that?
Oh, groupie, groupie,
groupie, groupie, groupie.
[moaning]
Oh, wow.
Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
Wow.
Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.
Oh, I'm going to miss that.
That.
You want to fly this plane
so that we don't
die, and everything?
-Oh, okay.
-Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh!
What?
Jesus. Jesus?
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh my God.
Do you want a beer
or something?
[beeping]
I can blow you.
Oh my God.
Oh my God, Jesus is dead.
Oh, Jesus is dead.
Jesus is dead.
Are you dead?
Oh my God.
[grunting]
I'm going to climax!
-Oh yeah, I'll come with you.
-Okay.
[moaning]
[moaning]
Oh, that was amazing.
I think we broke the plane.
Holy cow.
Want to help Snake
with the lever?
Oh, okay.
No, no, no, no, not that lever.
-That lever.
-Oh, yeah.
[grunting]
I think that worked.
Again.
Your body's so lethal.
Very.
I can't fly the plane!
I'm still drunk and
I feel a little high
and I'm definitely on drugs.
All because I'm going
to be a nun.
Oh my God.
Where am I?
You're dead, Jesus.
I'm dead?
Yeah, you're dead.
You're dead.
I don't know, I don't know.
I don't know anymore.
Just, um... just stay here.
I'm going to go get some help
and you just come right on
out that door in three days.
-Three days?
-Three days.
Candy?
Are you okay?
I killed Jesus.
What?
He's fine. He's fine.
He's fine.
He's going to come out of
that cockpit in three days
and we're going to celebrate
his res--
[burps]
Erection.
Erection.
I said erection.
I'm going to go to hell.
I'm going to hell.
Candy? Candy?
Shhh.
Focus.
What happened?
I fucked the only person who can
land this plane's brains out.
[screaming]
Daddy, daddy, daddy.
You have to let him go.
He's the only man
who can fly the plane.
He's a fake pilot, honey.
A scam artist.
He's right, Gloria.
I'm just a flimflam man.
I'm a con man.
A grifter.
I don't deserve your trust.
I never have.
Well, do you love me?
Of course I love you.
Is that real?
It's the only real thing
that I know.
Well, that is good
enough for me.
Now you go and fly that plane.
Daddy, you have to let him go.
Oh, well...
The only place you're going
is prison for 15 to 20 years.
Don't get pregnant, honey.
What?
[coughing]
Whoa.
You guys want to get high?
Captain!
No? All right.
Take him to the lounge.
Stressed out.
Where's the happy girl?
Where's the happy girl?
Hi, happy girl.
Barry can fly the plane.
Oh!
No, wait. He can't.
Well, but he's wearing
a pilot's outfit.
Who's flying the plane?
Jesus.
No, he's high.
The plane has autopilot.
We'll be fine...
For now.
I hate flying.
Planes go boom, boom,
and they crash.
Well, he clearly
suffered multiple concussions
from some kind of a strenuous
activity in the cockpit.
Candy, what did you give him?
Everything.
Ugh...
Wait, where are you going?
I'm going to go help
Otto land the plane.
Did she just say she's
going to help land the plane?
Woo!
-Wait. Oh, wait.
-Wait.
Candy, don't go
in the cockpit alone.
-We're coming.
-Goodbye.
Oh!
Okay, all right.
This is ridiculous.
I need to do something.
You've already
done something, buddy.
Okay, look, look.
I know by putting on this suit,
it doesn't make me a captain.
But what I didn't tell
your daughter is that
I used to fly my dad's
prop plane every summer
when I grew up in Iowa.
Okay, this is different, but
the fundamentals are the same.
-I'm going.
-Sit down!
Do you really hate me that much,
that you would risk your own
daughter's life
just to prove what a
charlatan you think I am?
I hate you.
Don't make me regret this.
I won't.
Thank you, Senator.
Go!
God, hello?
It's me, Candy.
Okay, everybody out!
I only want Gloria in here.
I don't know how to
fly a plane, Barry.
It's okay. It's okay.
You're going
to encourage me to fly
because I always do my best
work with you by my side.
And I'm not going
to give you up now, okay?
-Okay.
-Okay.
Okay, I'll take care
of the passengers.
Great.
Oh, good luck, because God
isn't answering,
because it's all my fault.
We're probably going to hell
because I screwed the brains out
of Jesus, and now...
It's okay.
He'll forgive you.
-You got this?
-We got this.
-Okay, okay.
-Okay.
Hang in there, babe.
Hello?
Can anyone hear me?
Nothing?
No, we're on our own.
Okay, so maybe if we make
a small descent,
we can pick a short-range signal
or find a runway or something.
Um, sure that could work.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Candy, is that the pilot?
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's all my fault.
Yikes.
Well, at least I just had
the best sex of my life.
And that's worth something.
Wow, really?
-Yeah.
-Oh my gosh.
Hey, since we're going to die
and all, can I ask a favor?
Yeah, anything.
All aboard. All aboard.
Everyone, I have
some heavy news.
To get you up to speed,
my name is Candy
and I'm going to be a nun.
Yay, me!
And me and my girls are
going to D.C.
because Gloria's
getting married.
Yay!
Okay, the pilot's
not technically dead.
-What do you mean?
-The pilot's dead?
No, no, not dead,
but cannot fly the plane.
But Barry,
who is pretending to...
Oh, um, act like
I didn't say that.
Not a real pilot is
going to fly the plane.
-Pretending was better.
-Yes, I see that now.
Anyway, bottom line,
we're screwed.
We're so screwed,
we're so fucked.
No, no, no, no, no, wait.
What's going on out there?
Shh.
I can't hear them.
Wait, I waited to
get onto this plane
to take chances that I should
have been taking my entire life.
And that's just not right,
that is not living,
that is unliving.
And now when we might only have
20 more minutes left to live,
we get to decide
how we want to live.
-20 minutes?
-20 minutes?
Do we go out with
a whimper or a bang?
Do we face death with our
heads between our legs?
Or each other's legs?
Do we go out laughing or crying?
Screaming or dreaming?
So, what's it going to be?
Everyone's so quiet.
This is how we're going to die?
Only you can save them, Candy.
One hit will set them free.
The Lord is listening, Candy.
Set them free.
I know what to do.
Do what, Candy?
The secret's in
these little guys.
Just one hit, and
we can set them free.
Okay.
Set them free.
Great idea.
The ultimate mile high club.
[whistling]
Okay, the plane is
going to fall apart!
Ease back on the speed!
I don't know how!
I mean, all these
controls look the same!
-Barry! Calm down!
-I don't know how!
Breathe!
Okay, all right.
Is this better?
Yeah.
Whoa!
[chattering]
Make way for Bambi!
-Ready?
-Woo!
[shouting]
Woo!
If we're going to party,
let's party.
Woo!
[laughing]
Woo!
Okay, I'm getting my bearings,
but the wheel's still sticking.
I just need one small
controlled burst
on the right side of the plane.
From inside the plane?
Uh... Sure, yeah.
Okay, I have an idea.
Hello everyone!
This is Gloria from
inside the cockpit,
and we need your help.
So if you could just keep
doing what you're doing,
but do it to the
right side of the plane,
and do it hard, okay?
To the right!
[chattering, shouting]
Did it work?
No, I don't think so.
Okay... Um...
On the count of three,
everybody jump!
One, two, three!
One, two, three!
It worked.
The wheel is free.
We're going to be okay.
I think we should still
be able to land.
Barry, you did it!
No, we did it.
Gloria, you guys did it!
We all did it!
This isn't the Bachelorette
party I was dreaming off,
and we didn't join
the Mile High Club, but...
I did.
I did, and it was awesome.
-I did, twice, technically.
-Oh!
Oh, well, that's great.
That's good for you guys.
And now, Candy,
you can be a nun.
[crashing, shouting]
[shrieking]
Barry, what was that?
We're under attack!
Nazis!
-It's the fuel line.
-Huh?
We lost an engine.
We're going down.
We maybe have two
minutes before we crash.
[screaming]
Okay!
I don't want to die!
Save us!
Nobody panic!
Get down!
Stay in the driver's seat!
[shrieking]
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
No...
Gloria!
Gloria, wake up, please!
Barry?
Are we dead yet?
Not yet.
Good. I have an idea.
-Barry!
-Oh!
Are you okay?
Gloria! Yeah!
I am now.
How's your head?
Okay.
We're gonna be okay.
Okay, okay.
Hello.
We're not on a train, are we?
We're on a submarine.
Upscope.
Whoa.
I screwed the brains out of you.
So it's only logical that
I can screw them back into you.
Huh?
Come on, Jesus.
It's time to come again.
Cool.
I have an idea.
When I lived on the farm
with my dad in Iowa--
I thought you grew up
in Los Angeles.
Oh, no, I did.
I went to school there.
But every summer
I'd go to my dad's
and help him on the farm.
And I'd crop dust
his field every week.
Even in the bad weather.
So I know how to
stop us from crashing.
I just have to adjust our
flight path a little bit.
And then we'll go down
at a steeper angle
and use more runway for landing.
We can...
Oh, Barry, talk
more pilot to me.
Just have to deploy the flaps.
Just at the right angle.
I don't want to...
increase our drag or
reduce our controllability.
Well, you can deploy
my flaps anytime.
Huh?
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, um, let's land
the plane first, baby.
Oh.
[moaning]
[grunts]
[speaking Spanish]
You're speaking Spanish.
What is happening?
Who's flying the plane?
Thank you, Jesus.
Both of you.
Jesus?
It's Jesus.
The J is silent.
I'll take it from here.
Okay, okay.
Sir, I am so sorry for
sneaking on to this flight.
It will never happen again.
Hey, hey, hey.
Don't be sorry.
God forgives.
Plus, this has been
the greatest ride of my life.
-Get out of here.
-Okay.
Turn off the autopilot
and land this plane.
Gloria, wait!
Daddy, are you okay?
I will be when we get to D.C.
and put this
whole thing behind us.
Of course.
Hey, give us a minute.
Sit down here.
Okay.
What do you see in that guy?
He's so stupid.
And look at him.
Come on, honey.
Daddy, honestly,
I see a lot of you in him.
He's just the man who's
willing to put it
all on the line
for the person he loves.
Well, somebody had to raise you.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, don't marry that Butch guy.
I've made my peace with it.
It'll be fine.
No, no, you aren't the one
who spent your campaign funds
on a cock-a-mamie deal
like reusable wallpaper.
I mean, see, I am like him.
That sounds very stupid.
We have a lot in common.
No.
Daddy, the judge is going
to be even more furious
if I don't marry his son.
Deal's a deal, and it was
my deal to begin with.
If they put you in jail, I...
Honey, they don't put
politicians in jail.
I can't risk it.
For your sake.
And for Barry's sake.
I'm going to marry
the judge's son.
We're about to land.
Everyone needs to be seated
with their seatbelts fastened.
Barry, I have a special
seat in the back
with your name on it.
-Oh.
-Come with me.
-Bye, everyone.
-Bye.
Coming in hot.
Coming in hot.
Come on.
[screaming]
[grunts]
[shrieking]
Come on, come on, come on.
Flight 420, you're smoking.
Nice landing.
[cheering]
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Oh...
[laughs]
Good girl.
Good girl.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to D.C.
We hope you
enjoyed your flight.
Move. Ew, out of here.
The weather in our nation's
capital is a crisp 69 degrees.
We apologize for any
unplanned pregnancies,
venereal diseases,
or rug burns
you may have experienced
during our flight.
We thank you for flying
DTF airlines,
and we hope you
have a beautiful day.
Holy...
Woo!
I love my job.
[sighs]
My best friend circle
just got so much bigger.
And this flight was the best.
That's where I met Jesus.
And I met Liz.
And I met whatever this is.
Your destiny, baby.
And I can finally be with you.
With my dad's blessing.
And we can get married
and live...
-Happily ever...
-Happily ever...
After...
you get married to my son.
Surprise!
That's Butch.
Oh, my God, are you Gloria?
No, I'm Barry.
Hey, just tell me you're Gloria.
I can make this work.
Gloria Attwater.
Is a very beautiful and
very hairy daughter-in-law.
Yeah, we need to cut this hair
to something more manageable.
Judge William Caulk?
He's one of the Supremes.
Oh, I get it.
He's a singer.
Oh, stick to acting.
Judge...
Your honor,
your Eminence,
Gloria won't be
marrying your son.
She'll be marrying me.
Your son doesn't really
seem like the marrying type.
Ooh.
What's your name, son?
Barry Montgomery.
You're very brave to stand up
to a Supreme Court justice.
That shows me that you must
love this young lady a lot.
Yeah, I do.
Especially since one word from
me and I could put you in jail.
Forever.
No, Barry here
has done nothing wrong.
It's me that's broken promises.
No, young lady, there's been
no broken promises yet.
Now, there will be a marriage
but only between you and my son.
[phone ringing]
Is that a D minor?
Oh, will you turn
your toy off?
Sorry, yeah.
Now, listen.
Butch, get over here.
There will be a
marriage here, right now.
-What, here?
-Yes, right here.
Yes, I have a photographer,
we can take a few pictures.
And then in two days,
we'll go have a reception
at the slave quarters
in Mount Vernon,
where every dignified politician
and right-wing
thinking celebrity
will be in attendance.
Otherwise, your father
will be arrested.
Whoa.
I'll have you
exposed as a communist.
Your hippy boyfriend there,
he'll be exposed as a pedophile
or a Democrat. Same thing.
It's fine, it's fine.
I'll marry Butch.
Good answer.
But Gloria, you don't
have to do this.
Whatever he has on you,
we'll help you figure it out.
[growls]
I don't know, Bo.
He seems really powerful.
But yeah, sure, sure,
we'll figure it out.
Mm-hmm.
I can pray.
It's okay, ladies.
I know a lot of people marry
for the wrong reasons,
but I'll be married
for the right ones.
It'll be fine.
But Gloria, you're
never gonna get to
join the Mile High Club.
Seems pretty overrated anyway.
-No, it's awesome.
-It's amazing.
Candy?
I don't remember
what we're talking about.
Come on.
Everyone, get in position, okay?
Good.
Why do you wanna do this?
Okay, if I do this,
I stay in the will,
and the man has
generational wealth, okay?
Oh, God, you are
working it so well.
-And that blouse...
-[clears throat]
Dearly beloved, we are
all gathered here today
for the, ah,
let's get with it.
Here you go.
With this ring, I thee wed.
Don't do it, Gloria.
Barry?
Is that the bomb again?
-It works.
-Hey, stay back.
It works.
My transmogrifier.
You don't have to marry him.
I have your father's money.
What?
My transmogrifier.
Some guy in California
wants to buy my patent.
Wants to turn it into a
smart phone or something.
Don't be ridiculous.
Phones can't be smart.
It's gonna be huge, Gloria.
They're gonna wire the funds
to your father's account.
My wonders, my inventions,
they're finally taking off.
I knew it.
Mondo cool!
You're my inspiration, Gloria.
You putz!
You ruined everything.
Barry!
Oh!
[clamoring]
You just hit...
-No.
-Hit a woman!
Are you okay?
We got it on camera!
Right there.
-No.
-Security!
I am a Judge.
I can do what I want!
I have tenure.
I don't care.
He socked me!
Game, set, match, bitch!
Oh, no.
Your inheritance.
Sweetheart, don't even worry.
This is better than
a sham wedding, okay?
This is blackmail.
Okay, this is the only
language my dad speaks.
May I?
This will set me up for life.
Okay.
Beautiful.
Bye.
Gloria, I'm so sorry.
For what?
This was supposed
to be your wedding.
I'm sorry.
It still can be,
if you'll have me.
[gasping]
But, Judge Caulk just left.
I can marry you.
Because you're Jesus?
Because I'm a pilot
and it's Jesus.
The J is silent.
Right.
What do you say, Gloria?
Yes!
-Yes?
-[laughing]
Gotta love these
charter flights.
Get to wear my own uniform.
[squealing]
All right, all right,
all right, all right.
We gotta make this quick.
I don't want to leave that
cockpit unmanned too long.
You understand?
Is he even ordained for that?
Of course he is.
He's Jesus.
He has the same authority
to marry people
the way that ship captains do.
Yeah, all right.
All right, you two love
each other, right?
-You wanna marry her?
-Oh, yeah.
-You wanna marry him?
-Absolutely.
All right, well then by the
authority given to me
by the... the...
Well, I guess
I gave myself.
You guys are married now.
You may kiss the bride.
Make it good.
[cheering]
What a day.
I told you anything could
happen at 30,000 feet.
The higher the plane,
the closer to God.
Just think about what we can
do without the gravity
of fear and inhibition
holding us down.
See, I told you.
The Mile Hot Club isn't
just a sex thing.
It's a way of life.
Whatever.
Baby, what's wrong?
Everybody joined the
Mile High Club, except for us.
Well, why don't we join them?
In the bathroom?
Isn't that tradition?
Mile High Club, baby!
Groovy.
Did you bring
my chaser, stewardess?
Oh, I brought you a chaser.
Oh!
Oh, my...
Stewardess Gloria,
I had no idea.
Oh, wow.
It was you.
It was always you.
Has it been that obvious?
Well, every time
you've come into the cockpit,
you've been naked.
Well, that is because
I want you so bad.
What the hell is that?
Oh, it's nothing.
What do you mean it's nothing?
It's the Berlin Wall
of sex blockers.
It's the Great Wall of China
of...
But you have the key, Butch.
My father gave you the key.
Butch... Butch...
Oh, what? What? No.
Who's Butch?
I'm Barry.
-I'm not Butch.
-Huh? What?
Who's Butch?
Barry? What are you doing here?
It's me, the true
love of your life.
No, no, no.
This is an arranged marriage.
Oh, I have to leave.
I have to find Butch.
What are you,
some kind of square?
There's no virgins in 1973.
But I am a virgin.
[echoing]
Virgin... Virgin.
I heard you talking
in your sleep.
Do you like pilots?
No.
Why are you
traveling solo today?
Oh, no. My girlfriends
and I are flying to D.C.
You see, I'm getting
hitched to this guy.
It's kind of a
last moment thing.
-Married?
-Mm-hmm.
Far out.
Good evening and welcome
to DTF Airlines Flight 420.
We will begin boarding
our red-eye
to Washington D.C. momentarily.
Get ready and buckle up.
-Gloria!
-Oh!
How's college life
without me?
Boring, of course.
Of course.
Chest out stomach in.
Here comes Suzy Kellerman!
Wait, are you working
this flight?
Yes.
Economy with Dolores De Hado,
and you're late,
Miss Kellerman.
Really? Dolores?
-Buzzkill?
-She'll be fine.
The clock is ticking.
I'm sorry, Ms. Rickenbottem.
I just need to get changed
real quick, ladies.
You mean this isn't
your stewardess uniform?
I'm timing you.
This plane will
leave without you.
They wouldn't dare.
Let's go.
Proper bachelorette parties
call for proper attire.
Ooh!
I don't know.
This looks a little risqu.
I know, isn't it grand?
Sweetness is here!
[squealing]
Oh, and a thousand blessings
for your wonderful marriage!
Oh, Candy, don't tell me
you're still
planning on becoming a nun.
Of course I am.
I'm going straight
to the Vatican
after we send her
off down the aisle
because God
is my perfect husband.
He never cheats
and always forgives me
if I ask him real nice.
Here, put this on.
Ah!
Look, this...
this is my deal with God.
This is my last hurrah.
And then I'm just going to
give it up to the Lord Almighty.
So, anything goes?
Just on this plane.
Ah! It's going to be a gas!
Come on.
Don't be such a square, Gloria.
Even the Lord is
giving her a pass.
Praise Jesus.
Fine.
I'm in like Flynn.
Yay!
Are you not changing too?
Oh, yes.
I'm working on your flight.
I've got to quit this job.
I am so tired of being an
actress who isn't actressing.
A model who isn't modeling.
Just as long as you give
us the liquor cart
so we can keep liquor-ing.
Of course, because
Gloria's getting married!
[squealing]
Oh, girls! Thank you.
I'm so happy.
This is a party,
not a shrink session.
Oh, I have just the thing
to make you... wait for it.
Forget all your worry.
Candy, how'd you get
that in there?
They'll put you in jail.
No, God will protect us.
And Suzy helped.
I gave Phil at
security a bag.
Candy, I never pictured
you as a druggie.
I'm not.
But the plane is my hall pass
for the next five hours.
Now it's a party!
Before we send our beautiful
Gloria off down the aisle,
we've got to make
sure she is drunk,
drugged, and plugged.
before we land the plane.
I can't!
I'm a virgin.
But wait, you and Barry
were together for years.
You never...
I just... I couldn't.
There's so much pressure.
What if I do something wrong?
Honey, you could do
it so wrong
that his Johnson would break
off in your vagina,
and he would still thank you.
That's reassuring.
Then don't.
Don't what? Have sex
with my husband? Ever?
No, don't lose
your virginity to him.
Lose it with
somebody else first.
Like a practice sex.
Yeah.
-On the plane!
-Yeah!
But I don't think the airline
offers these kinds of services.
Sure they do.
Haven't you ever heard
of the Mile High Club?
Is it like Girl Scouts
but for doing it?
Yeah!
You just find some
Joe Schmoe on Aisle 6B and...
Do it right there?
No, we're not animals,
you do it in the bathroom!
Ew, the bathroom!
I once had a friend who did
it in the luggage rack once.
I thought he was so weird.
A friend?
I don't know.
You act like it's life-changing.
It's really not.
It's whatever.
If it's whatever, then
you're just doing it all wrong.
It really could be heavenly.
[giggling]
It isn't.
Well, I hope that you have
your spiritual awakening
on the Mile High Club today.
Attention. DTF Airlines flight
420 will be boarding shortly.
All passengers
who need more assistance
will begin boarding now.
Well, I think I'm okay
with this just being
a Bachelorette party.
Gloria, this could be your
last chance to have some fun.
I mean, who even owns
what your husband is like.
Good point.
Think of it as your
last chance to be
in charge of your own destiny
one last time.
And we'll join you!
Not like, join you.
-Uh-uh.
-No.
Not like join you, but we'll
join the Mile High Club too.
Maybe. Fine.
Okay.
Okay, I'm in.
-Yay!
-Kind of. Ish.
-Oh.
-Maybe.
-Huh?
-Kind of.
Okay, 100% I'm in.
-[cheering]
-Ish.
But you can't tell Butch.
It's gonna be our little secret.
-To the Mile High Club!
-To the Mile High Club!
To Gloria!
Co-pilot Matthews?
I didn't see anything here.
Did you?
No, Miss Kellerman.
Have a good day.
As to you, too.
We will see you on the plane!
Oh!
Attention, DTF Airlines
flight 420 to Washington, D.C.
is now boarding.
All first-class ticket
holders may board now.
What about John Holmes in there?
Oh, it wouldn't be the first
time he's missed a flight.
Come on, ladies.
Let's get out of here.
Ah!
[chuckles]
[moaning, chattering]
All right, keep it single file,
clean and tight.
Thank you.
Oh, we're boarding
first-class right now,
so you'll have to go
to the back of the line.
Can't you do something
for a celebrity?
If I see one.
Ugh.
Oh my God!
What have you done to my coffee?
Centro Coff commercials.
Um...
Come on, I did like
three of those things.
Okay, hey.
Hi.
Sorry, I know
my cousin is a douche.
Do you think you would have
first class seats for us please?
Oh, that commercial.
Yeah, and here are
your first class tickets.
Whoa, first class.
You are a fan of me.
Huge fan.
Thank you.
-Bambi.
-Bambi.
Next.
Hey, hot stuff,
how's it hanging?
Ticket, please.
Ticket.
Oh...
Really, Bo?
What? No.
Velvet Underground,
Zappa, Nico.
Not some Frampton-wannabe
wedding singer.
Well, maybe he can
be your mile high man meat.
I'd rather do Pat Boone
while Liberace watched.
Fiddlesticks, she looks P.O.ed.
I'll see you ladies
on the plane. Ta ta.
Bye.
What if I can't even find
anyone I want to do it...
...with.
Oh, Gloria, I don't
think you're gonna have
any trouble getting liftoff.
I left my purse
in the locker room.
You better boogie,
we're about to board.
-Okay
-Go.
Oh, you are trouble,
aren't you?
Looking for this?
Yes, thank you.
[gasps]
Barry?
Come to stop you from
getting on that plane.
Oh, I have nothing
to say to you.
Then say nothing and
just run away with me.
Oh, Barry, it's too late.
I'm really sorry for what I
put you and your dad through
and I will pay him back
every cent.
And look, I got a job now.
It's a real job,
I'm a janitor.
It's legitimate, they take
out taxes and everything.
It's a weekly paycheck.
Look, and if that's not enough,
I will get two jobs.
No, I'll get three.
I will get 10 jobs
to pay your debt.
Barry...
Look, you gotta learn
to trust me again.
You have to know that I love you
and I never meant to
hurt you or your father
and I will spend the rest
of my life paying him back
for that stupid,
stupid investment.
Well, it wasn't that stupid.
Reusable wallpaper so
you can change the look
of your room every day.
It was actually mondo cool.
Didn't even stick to the wall.
My father invested everything.
I know.
Goodbye, Barry.
[moaning, banging]
Whoa, are you okay?
Yeah, I think
I just saw a ghost.
Let's boogie.
Hello, ladies.
Oh, sweet mother of God,
help me.
Captain Jesus.
What smells so heavenly?
Me, that's me,
me, my new perfume.
Do you want
to smell me, Jesus?
It's Jesus... Captain.
Captain Jesus,
the J is silent.
Oh.
I've been saying it
wrong this whole time.
You smell divine.
Can I help you,
Captain Jesus?
Yes, yes, Miss Rickenbottem.
Have you seen my copilot?
I want to make it to the church
on time as the saying goes.
Let me page him.
Yes.
I'm here, I'm here.
Sorry I'm late.
The runs, you know.
Just messy, messy stuff.
Messy stuff?
Will you be joining us?
Of course,
I am flying the plane.
Oh, cool.
Okay.
Come on, Delilah.
[giggling]
[record scratch]
Hi, pumpkin.
Daddy? What are you
doing on this plane?
Well, I'm headed to D.C.
like you.
I'm still a senator.
I'm not in jail yet.
Daddy, that's not funny.
I'm kidding.
I wouldn't miss
my daughter's big day.
Yeah, but I didn't expect
you for a few more days.
Don't worry, I'm gonna
stay out of your hair.
You guys do your Tupperware
parties or press-on.
Whatever it is your girls do,
I'm sure it's nice and innocent.
I got a little work, and then
the happiest day of my life.
Okay.
Hey, Bo.
Sir, yes, sir.
Permission to speak freely, sir.
Your fly's unzipped, sir.
Okay, all right.
Hey, Bo, I'm sorry you got
kicked out of medical school.
Oh, that's okay.
They were just mad that I was
screwing with the cadavers.
Yeah, I'm sure your
parents are very proud.
Does she have to be here?
Daddy, she's my oldest friend.
I thought I was your
oldest friend.
Okay, not you're oldest,
but your hottest.
[laughing]
Is it Candy?
It's Candy right?
-Candy.
-Hi, Candy.
Hi, sir.
Okay, I hate to break up
the sting operation,
but it's time for us unwashed
to go back to the economy class.
Honey, stay up here
with me, please.
Daddy?
Okay.
I'll see you in D.C.
Don't do anything stupid.
-Hey.
-Go, go, go, go.
See you later.
Don't worry, Senator.
I'm keeping an eye
on her, okay?
Okay.
My little girl's
getting married.
I don't give a shit.
You're a whore.
Reading is fundamental.
You sure you're okay?
Why? What?
What'd you hear?
-The runs.
-Oh, yeah. No.
I'm cool, man. Thanks.
What do you want me to do first?
Your funny.
I like that.
You're the captain.
So wait. Aren't you supposed
to be clean-shaven?
You know, captain.
Oh, this.
Yeah, I think it's, um...
I think it's sexy.
Do you not agree?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I agree. Yeah.
Does Uncle Sam agree?
I don't know.
I don't know your uncles, but
I'm sure they're sexy as well.
I'm actually a transfer
pilot from Nazareth.
This is your first
American flight?
Yeah.
Okay. Great.
-[alarm sounds]
-Oh, no. Oh, oh, oh.
[laughing]
You're a funny man.
I actually needed that.
This is, uh,
my first flight as captain.
So really glad you're here.
Yeah, me too.
Especially after hearing that.
Oh, relax.
I was a co-pilot
for a very long time.
All right.
We are clear for takeoff.
Doors and windows are locked.
Fuel checks out.
Let's back this baby up.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking.
We are clear for takeoff.
I can't believe
my father's on this plane.
I'm not gonna do this
whole Mile High Club thing,
not with my dad
in the first class.
Eww!
Why would you do it
with your Dad? Gross.
No!
I meant, how am I supposed
to join the Mile High Club?
With this!
-Glory be to God!
-Where did that come from?
-From St. Suzy.
-Here we go!
-Candy!
-Whoa, whoa, whoa. Girl.
What?
This is it for me.
I've got to make the best
of it while I can.
Besides...
I might have had a
Quaalude or two prior to this.
No turning back now.
Oh my gosh, are you
tripping right now?
No!
Are you a talking giraffe?
Holy crap!
How much did you take?
You ask a lot of questions
for a talking giraffe.
[laughing]
Ladies, flasks at the ready!
Shh!
There are people here.
To the one Mile High Club!
-This giraffe drinks to that.
-Yeah!
Fine.
To the Mile High Club!
[laughing]
Oh, yeah.
Cleared for take-off.
Hello, Senator.
Care for a drink?
Yes, I would, Angel.
Where are you going?
I got to take a leak.
You got it from here.
Yeah, yeah, of course
Just like dad's prop-plane.
Okay.
[beeping]
Hey, nothing like
Dad's prop lane.
Hey, Bambi,
need help with snacks?
Oh, no, I got this.
Half of them are asleep anyways.
Plus, Dolores will
be back in a minute.
Red-eye flights are aces, girl.
So, how are your friends?
Oh? What friends?
Best friends since grade school,
all of us girls are, really,
and now Gloria's
getting married.
I'm so happy for her.
So sweet.
Have you met the fianc?
None of us have,
not even Gloria.
What?
Old school.
Is she Amish?
Is that like
being a Republican?
Her dad's the senator
in first class.
Senator Rufus?
That's her dad?
He's a bit of a square,
but he really loves her.
[chime sounds]
Oh, gotta go.
So, Gloria, are you scoping
out who you want
to join the Mile High Club with?
Maybe that cute tennis player
that was checking you out.
Maybe, I don't know.
I just feel a little...
nervous, but after
everything with Barry,
I really want to join the
Mile High Club in this plane.
Because I'm the one
in charge of my destiny.
Not Barry, certainly not Butch.
Butch.
B-u-u-u-u-tch.
Who's Butch?
My husband whom I
haven't even met yet.
Butch.
You're not gonna have
a problem joining
the Mile High Club.
Plus that
tennis player's a stud.
You two would look
so hot together.
Stop it.
I don't know, isn't it wrong
to cheat on my fianc?
You haven't even met him yet.
It's not cheating
in the Lord's eyes.
But I'm all the way up here and
he's all the way back there.
Bo, what are you doing?
Giving fate and
your libido a little nudge.
No! Bo!
Excuse me, sir.
Do you think you can
switch seats with me?
It's just I'm sitting in the
middle and I have to pee a lot.
It's a really long flight
and I have a little bladder.
Oh, yeah, sure.
No problemo.
Mmm... Hey, ladies.
Wow, that's quite
a rocket... a racket.
Yeah, it's got a good head size
and the length is really perfect
when I gotta slam it in.
Ooh!
[chuckles]
I'll drink to that.
Attention, passengers.
The captain has turned off
the fasten seatbelt sign
and turned on the smoking sign.
Enjoy.
Are you and your
new friend...
Candy, no.
Thanks, dudette.
The world is more connected
by the love
that you express
through your kindness.
That's so deep, my son.
Gloria, isn't that... deep?
Of course.
I know, right?
Do you two want to talk
about this alone
in our private VIP
first class lounge?
Oh, love knows
no social construct.
Love knows no caste system.
VIP is a myth.
You can do drugs
and have sex in private.
Righteous, let's go.
Okay, follow me.
Love you, baby.
Talk to you later.
Love you, too. Oh.
Yeah!
Mmm.
Ah, sweet bud.
It's been a while.
Hmm, yeah, sweet bud.
[coughs]
That's so cool, man.
You try.
Okay, um...
Oh, cool, man, um...
Whoa!
Woo!
I always forget,
this stuff perks me up so fast.
Oh, damn.
I'm sporting a
major kickstand right now.
Oh, yeah?
Well, let's park
that bike of yours, big boy.
-Is that sexy talk?
-Yeah.
Cool.
Oh, okay, it's happening.
All right.
Let's do it.
You first, you first, you first.
Yeah, that's what
I'm talking about.
Get Big Burt, get Big Burt,
get Big Burt.
-[squeals]
-Let's go.
Mm-hmm.
Let's go, yeah.
Oh, oh, oh, yes.
Come here.
[growls]
Oh, I love this.
Oh, I love this.
I love you.
The universe is love, baby.
Oh, wait, you don't love me.
We just met.
Oh, this is going way too fast.
Sorry, sister,
this isn't going to work.
I'm a professional
tennis player.
Mm-hmm?
Each match has to start
one way and one way only.
Love.
It is not only
my personal life philosophy.
It is in
the internationally recognized
professional tennis
players handbook.
Okay, I'm being such a headcase
about this, I'm sorry.
It's just a lot going on.
-Let's try this again.
-No, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry, I can't.
My bike's got a flat.
Oh.
Well, that was fast.
[sighs]
Um...
I think I'm going to go now.
Bye, my sister.
But it's all love, baby.
It's all love.
Damn it!
Hi, what happened?
The window of opportunity
has slammed shut.
I wasn't loving it a lot
the way you wanted me to.
Well, you're a virgin.
You'll get better with practice.
Gross, Suzy,
I didn't mean it like that.
Hey, baby, what's up?
Doesn't pro tennis drug test?
You bet your ass they do.
Let's get you back to your seat.
Fuck!
How am I supposed
to sneak past my dad?
I can't let him know I was just
trying to lose my virginity.
Just stay behind me, okay?
And sneak past when
you get a chance.
Okay.
Oh, hello, senator.
Um, this is our mid-flight
champagne service.
Thank you, Suzy.
Hey, hey, was that
my, uh, daughter?
Oh, don't be silly. I think
you've had a few too many.
Okay. Okay.
[gasps]
Are you an actor?
Yes.
And I bet you're an actress.
Yes, I am.
How could you tell?
Oh, you have obvious talent.
I'm Sid Epstein.
You may remember me
from that commercial.
Oh, my God.
What have you done
to my coffee?
Yes, you were incredible.
You actually inspired me
to switch brands.
That means the world to me.
Sadly, that's true.
Are you up for
another commercial?
Uh, I'm headed to New York
for a big audition.
Huh.
We have a layover in D.C.,
which I need,
because I don't
have my lines down.
Well, um, maybe I could
help you with your lines.
I'd love that, but where?
I would hate to disturb
the other passengers.
Meet me in the VIP lounge
in the back in 10 minutes.
It'll be just you and me.
I just need to kick
a few people out first.
Out of sight.
Excuse me.
Um, I hate to break up your
little casting session,
but can I have some champagne?
Oh, yes.
I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna need all this.
Thank you.
Okay. Okay.
You proud of yourself?
-Daily.
-Ugh.
Wow. That was fast.
Typical.
See, Bo, you've only
had bad sex.
We never did it.
He started talking about love,
and I started thinking
about Barry.
Barry?
Why are you thinking
about Barry?
I meant Butch.
my future husband,
whom I'm marrying for love.
-Butch.
-You said Barry.
-It was a slip of the tongue.
-A Freudian slip.
A Freudian tongue slip.
The point is, we never did it.
I can't do it.
I will never do it.
Okay, Mrs. Humpalong Cassidy.
Suzy did drop off
a little fun!
Put that away! Now!
Oh, you don't want
to see her put it away.
No, you don't want
to see me put it away.
Okay, this was all
fun and games...
Until I poke your eye out!
You have to stop!
Come on, it's just a little
Bachelorette party.
-Fun and games.
-Mm-hmm.
See, it's like pin
the tail on the donkey,
except with a big old dong.
And don't worry.
This is modeled after Adam,
so God was okay with it.
Well, I don't know
how I feel about it.
Come on. It's just classic
Bachelorette shenanigans.
On a plane?
With people?
-They can play.
-Yeah.
Plus, most of them are sleeping.
And they're all adults.
Does anybody care if we
have a Bachelorette party
in this section?
I'll strip if you strip.
Uh, no, thank you. We've already
seen what you have to offer,
and it turned us all gay.
Mm-hmm.
I'd love to see that.
Eww, creep.
See, we're good.
We're good.
Okay. Fine.
Let's get this over with.
Yay.
Okay, I'll set it up.
Now this is a party.
Yeah.
-One, two. And three.
-Is that a dildo?
Oh my God.
[chattering, shrieking]
Whose dick is this?
I am so sorry.
See?
These things hurt people.
I don't want to do this anymore.
These things don't hurt people.
Carts full
of penis sausages did.
Come on, Gloria,
just play the game.
You have to do one
Bachelorette party thing
for this to even
count as one.
And then we can go back
to finding you a man for real.
-Go.
-Fine.
Here we go!
Go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go!
Get me off!
I would, but we just met.
However, I did notice you
checking me out at the boarding.
Uh, I'm actually pre-med
and I noticed a lump
on your right testicle
because your pants
are crazy stupid tight.
I mean, what's the point
of even wearing pants?
Did you want me to
take them off for you?
No, no, I've seen enough.
But you need to see
a doctor. Stat.
I take it you're
a James Taylor girl.
Zappa, Nico,
Velvet Underground.
Whatever, asshole. You just wish
that you were in their league.
Hey, I toured with
Ziggy Pop in 69.
No, you didn't.
Screw you.
What? You don't believe me?
I believe that any man
who dresses
in a Halloween costume
for a living would say
all kinds of crazy
crap to get laid.
Honey, I don't need to work this
hard to get a hot lady naked.
That should tell
you something about you.
[gasps]
Oh!
What a jerk.
[giggles]
You totally have a crush
on that Steel Cobra fella.
I'd rather vote for Nixon.
Bo, I've known you for years.
You only crush the soul of
the people you want to screw.
And it's a defense mechanism
to see if they're worthy.
Therapy.
-Wow.
-I can be smart, too.
Well, that's all fine and good.
We still need to find Gloria
someone to make it with.
Mm-hmm.
And, oh, speaking of Gloria.
Where is Gloria?
She was just here a minute ago.
Hello?
Am I close?
Yeah, this way, this way.
Hello?
Candy?
"Lest I come and strike
the earth with a curse."
Man, God is so rad.
What do you think?
Oh, yeah, I mean,
it's incredible
that He let all this happen.
See, I knew you were a good guy.
Yeah.
[sighs]
Candy?
Bo?
Wait, I know that voice.
-Am I close?
-Gloria.
Careful on your way out.
Careful on your way out.
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
[beeping]
We're all gonna die.
This isn't fun anymore.
Okay, I'm just gonna
put it right here.
-Barry?
-Gloria.
You were a...
Penis? Ew!
That's...
Gloria!
-Hey!
-Yes?
-Is that my daughter?
-No, sir.
-Is she okay?
-Yes, sir.
I mean, you are asleep.
-Am I?
-You are.
I'm captain of
the Dreamtime Airwaves,
and you need to go to sleep.
You look familiar.
Familiar in a way that
makes me very, very angry.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Go to sleep.
Sleep tight.
Shh...
[snoring]
Gloria!
Look, Sid, you're
a better actor than he is.
Thanks, cousin.
But isn't that the pilot?
Weren't you supposed to
go to the VIP lounge
to hook up with that sunflower?
Sure thing.
I can't wait for her
to read lines with me.
Be nice.
What? Please, wait!
Just stop! Stop!
Barry, what are you doing here?
I'm trying to stop
you from marrying somebody
you don't even know.
By sneaking on to the plane
and pretending to be a captain?
Co-captain!
Co-captain!
Just... shh!
I don't want people to panic.
Who's even flying
this plane right now?
Jesus.
What's that?
Gloria.
Will you marry me?
I know there's not
a ring in there right now,
but there will be.
[laughing]
Barry...
No. Get up, get up, get up.
Gloria!
Give me another chance, Gloria.
Barry, you're
not husband material.
She sells seashells...
You made it!
I was beginning to think
you weren't going to come.
For you, I'll always... come.
Great, because I think you're
a perfect fit for this role.
I'm so glad you
think I'm a perfect fit.
Yeah, the script
is pretty tight, so...
So tight.
Are you okay?
I just really want to nail this.
You're going to nail this...
so good.
[giggles]
[chuckles]
Um...
Right, your
character goes first.
Yeah, she does.
So...
Oh, yeah, I'm so sorry.
The cancer has spread
through your daughter's bones,
Mr. President.
I was afraid you were going
to say that, Dr. Potter.
We've called in specialists from
around the world, Mr. President.
You just need to relax.
Oh, wait.
I don't think you do that.
No, this is my interpretation.
Oh.
Wait, can we at
least run lines?
Yes, yes.
Okay...
Will she even make it to her
next birthday, Dr. Potter?
I promised her a puppy.
We're doing the best we can,
Mr. President.
We'd like to put her
in a coma for the next
eight days, so that we can...
A coma?
She's just a little girl.
A little girl with
a fatal disease.
A disease that will slowly
atrophy the body.
A disease that will
cause her to lose
her bladder and
bowel control.
A disease that will choke
her with her own saliva
until all you fear
are her gurgling sounds.
-Oh, but...
-No.
Wait, there's more.
Her body will become extremely
weak and collapse upon itself.
She will become
practically paralyzed.
Her bones with tumors may break
and not heal and
be unbearably painful.
And all you'll be hearing
is her gurgled screams
rattling through the East Wing
of the White House.
[moaning]
How much time will she have?
Three weeks.
Oh, not a moment to spare!
End scene.
Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
Wow.
You are an amazing actress.
You're great, too.
Whoa.
Oh, I mean...
Oh, I think I know my lines now.
We make a great team.
Thanks.
Have a great audition.
Bye.
I think I'm booking this.
Oh, co-pilot, what
are you doing back here?
[gasps]
Listen here, mister,
impersonating a pilot
can get you 20 years in jail.
Who are you and what did you
do with co-pilot Matthews?
Barry Montgomery, ma'am, and
I didn't do anything
co-pilot Matthews.
He was sleeping
with someone else,
and I needed to get
onto this plane and Gloria.
-Oh, Gloria.
-Hi.
Are you the fianc?
Uh... No.
Oh, well, then
are you a stripper?
No. Why?
Why would you say that?
Well, you just...
you're dressed like a stripper.
Well, no, this is co-pilot
Matthews uniform.
Ah-ha!
Well, he used to strip
on the weekends.
I'm sorry.
Barry...
Save it for the police feds.
-You, hey! Come on.
-Gloria, I love you.
-Come on.
-Ouch!
Okay, this is just
a minor setback.
I will figure out everything.
Hey, thanks for
helping with my cousin.
I'm Liz, by the way.
I'm done line reading.
I'm not an actor.
I'm a producer.
It's a man's world,
and I am determined
to prove a girl
can do the job just as well.
Probably better.
You're impressive.
You mean my ass is impressive?
Sure.
But all of you is impressive.
A word of advice.
Your asset, that'll
get you in the door.
But this...
Well, that'll keep
you in the door.
I think there's more
to you that meets the eye.
And I'd like to find out what.
Maybe you will make
it in a man's world.
You sure sound like them.
But unlike them, I mean it.
I think there's more to you.
I'd like to find out what.
Suzy...
You hiding the clam juice
in there?
I think I'm gay.
Groovy.
In so much trouble.
We'll see what the real captain
has to say about this.
Barry!
Yes, Senator! Senator!
-Daddy, daddy, daddy!
-I know!
I know he took all your money,
but please don't hurt him!
This guy's nothing but a two-bit
hustlin' jive turkey!
Dad, that's harsh,
even for Barry!
Gentlemen, I have
to restrain him
and get him to the authorities.
-I like you.
-Oh...
I'll tell you what,
I'll restrain him.
You go tell the pilot
to call the FBI.
Daddy, if you do anything to
harm him, I won't marry Butch!
-Pop your head like a zit.
-Senator!
Dad!
Captain, your co-pilot,
he's an imposter
and we don't have anything--
Mayday, mayday, our landing gear
won't go down. Over!
See? No response.
The radio isn't working.
Wait, what?
Something internal is blocking
the wheels from disengaging.
When do we land in D.C.?
Three hours and 35 minutes.
Okay, we have that
long to figure this out.
And why is the
radio not working?
Because God hates me.
Besides that.
That's the only thing I can
think of that makes sense.
Okay, all right.
If you can get the
hydraulic equipment
to align with the aerial
transmission system,
then you can subdue
the thrusting system,
which will override
the automatic failsafe,
which sounds like
it's erroneously preventing
this in the first place.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What if we just pray?
Yeah, sure.
I guess we can just do that.
Okay.
There's a prayer
for plane crashes.
It's in Job.
Gloria, tell your father about
the job that I've taken up.
You couldn't get enough jobs.
Sit your ass down.
I'm making
a citizen's arrest.
Gloria, I'm so sorry.
What?
Hey, Senator, this is...
-Gloria, what is it?
-What are you...
Actually, Senator,
I just want to...
Hey, hey, weirdo!
-No, no, no!
-No!
It's not like that.
Here, I just want
to show you something.
This, right here.
This, right here. This.
Excuse me.
Is that a bomb?
What?
No, no, no, no.
This is a radio frequency
transmogrifier.
It's like a radio
without a cord, okay?
Look, I will give you a
thousand shares of my company
if you call off
Gloria's wedding.
Bartholomew Montgomery!
You promised me.
No more deals.
No more inventions.
Sweetheart, it is not
like that at all, okay?
It is exactly like that!
[screams]
So, do you think
I should cancel
the wedding of my daughter
to the son
of the Chief Justice of the
United States Supreme Court
so she could marry you, a
hillbilly inbred meat puppet?
You think that's a good idea?
I'll tell you what else.
They got walkie talkies
without cords, you know?
And they got radios
without cords.
And I bought my daughter
something like that
when she was three months old.
Senator, this is like
a phone, but smarter.
Look, I will give you 500 shares
regardless of what happened
just because I feel so bad
about what's happening to Gloria
and the past investment.
Look, I am trying to
do everything I can
to make this right.
Let me fix this.
Well, I'll tell you what,
you better have
invented something
that cuts through prison bars
because that's what
you're going to need.
Bad sex again?
No.
Barry pretending to be a copilot
to sneak on the plane
and try and win me back.
Barry, like,
Barry your ex, Barry?
Yes.
Barry stowed onto the plane.
I don't even know a
man I'm about to marry.
I can't seem to find a way
to join a Mile High Club.
This thing is just such a drag.
Oh my gosh, look at me, hey.
You are awesome.
We're your best friends,
and we always will be.
Barry is a stupid idiot,
and of course he wants
you back because, duh.
And the new guy
you're about to marry?
He's the luckiest
man on the planet.
We are going to get you
in the Mile High Club today,
and then after that,
you can go and live
your life to the fullest.
Okay.
-Groovy.
-Yes.
Bambi! I've decided that today
will be my final day
as a stewardess.
From now on, I'm going to
focus all of my energy
on my real dream
of becoming an actress.
What?
When we land, I'm going
to turn in my uniform
and my regulation pantyhose.
Oh, land?
We can't land.
Bambi, honey, what's wrong?
Nothing, it's just
that the wheels are stuck
and they can't come down,
but we can pray this away.
That's what Jesus is
going to do.
You know, I have
a lot of cats at home.
Do you think
they're going to miss me?
I don't know.
What if one of
my friends is a mechanic?
Could this be
fixed from the inside?
Yes.
Yes, absolutely, yes.
-Yes!
-Yes, okay.
Holy crap.
That's real heavy, man.
Suzie says that
you're a mechanic.
My dad has a shop and
I know some stuff,
but that's more like
jeeps and trucks.
This is an airplane.
This is going
to take two people.
No, no, but this is your thing.
This is what you
were meant to do.
You can save us.
Like Batman and Robin.
Or Simon and Garfunkel.
Is she okay?
Not really.
I don't know, you guys.
I'll do it.
Probably takes a real men
to do it anyways.
Yeah, and since there aren't
any real men here, I'll do it.
No, man.
My dad built these things.
But here's the thing.
It's going to take two people.
Let's go.
Unless you're too chicken shit.
Bye.
See you on the other side.
Wait, wait.
What can I do?
I can't believe
I'm saying this, but
I saw how our pilot...
Yep, me.
I'll do it.
Yes.
Hello, Mr. Jesus.
Suzy and Dolores are busy
tending to the passengers
and Bambi is helping
with the jammed wheel.
She just deputized me,
so I'm a stewardess now.
And I'm here to
give you what you want.
Lady, you can't be in here.
Well, maybe I'm the answer
to all your prayers.
You heard my prayers?
Mm-hmm. I'm going to be a nun.
I can hear everybody's prayers.
A nun?
But not right now.
Right now, I'm just me.
I'm just Candy.
Candy?
Sounds sweet.
Melts in your mouth.
I don't think we're going
to get out of this alive.
I'm so nervous, I...
I can barely concentrate
on flying.
Well, maybe I can
help you concentrate.
My king of kings.
All right. This compartment
leads to the APU center.
Go through cargo and into
the avionics center,
and there you'll find the
hydraulic override lever.
Copacetic,
it's do or die time, man.
Ladies first.
Good luck.
Thanks.
We're going to need it.
Rock and roll, man.
Take these.
Excuse me.
Dad, we may not
have a lot of time,
and there's some business
I need to settle with Barry,
regardless of how you feel.
Gloria, sweetheart, what
else can I do to win you back?
Everything you say can and
will be held against you.
Barry, you're a criminal now.
I know, I know.
I've been self-centered.
I mean, even today,
but I told you about that job,
and I want to pay your dad back,
and we can work on
repayment plans and I... I...
Yeah, that plan will
take 492 years.
Shush, Dad, this
doesn't concern you.
Kind of does.
Barry, I think it's
a good first step
in figuring things out
with my dad, but Barry, why?
Why do you want me so much?
I mean, you have
the sweetest laugh,
and you encourage my dreams
and those lips,
and your eyes,
and God, you've got a
very hot body.
Stop it.
A decent body.
Well, I don't
see myself that way.
That's okay, because I do.
I always have,
and I always will.
Oh, Barry.
-Ugh!
-Dad!
I'm grabbing a barf bag.
You guys are disgusting.
Gloria!
I feel so enlightened...
and so turned on.
I'm so upset that
I gave in to temptation.
But I'm also way too high
to do anything about it.
[giggles]
[clatter]
I'm in the sky.
Yeah, you are.
Look at those clouds.
Look at that.
[laughing]
Your true purpose
reveals itself.
St. Angela, is that really you?
You must show them what to do.
Me?
Trust in the Lord
to guide you.
My son...
God, is that you?
Yes, my son.
Cool.
Do you not know that
your bodies
are temples of the Holy Spirit,
who is in you whom
you have received from God?
You are not your own.
You were bought at a price.
Therefore, honor God
with your bodies.
What does that mean, Father?
It means you
should totally do her.
Trust in God.
Trust in God.
Fuck me.
Fuck me until
I reach true salvation.
I can do that.
Wait, I have to get something.
Oh, my goodness.
Where is it?
Yeah.
Hey, don't do that.
That's not yours.
Ow, shit.
That's my bag.
You see, that's my name.
-Oh.
-That's me.
Sorry.
Man, you hit really hard.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, what is that?
Oh, some sort of rock star
elephant tranquilizer
to calm your nerves?
Which you need, by the way.
These are my fun
drugs, all right?
Not that it's any
of your business.
And lady,
an elephant tranquilizer
couldn't chill your
tight ass out.
Hey, I happen to
like my tight ass.
Gloria, please give me
another chance.
Barry, please.
I don't want to spend
the last moments
of my life
regretting my choices.
This plane is going to crash.
What do you mean the plane
is going to crash?
What are you talking about?
What is going on here?
-We're going down to the ground.
-What?
Honey, I never
loved your mother.
I wanted to tell
you that before we died.
[shivering]
You okay?
What? Yeah.
Drinks?
No, okay, something's wrong.
I have a sense
about these things.
I don't think
I'm supposed to tell you.
Okay, now you have to tell me.
That's like the rule.
The wheels won't go down.
So can't we just glide?
If we were over water.
This isn't a water plane.
We are not over water.
So what happens?
We crash?
Yeah.
Oh.
Liz, can I tell you?
Uh...
-I just thought that...
-Mmm, mmm.
[exhales]
Sorry, go on.
When we were
talking earlier, I, um...
We don't have a
lot of time, right?
Mm-mm.
So you had sex with my cousin
and it didn't go well.
You feel weird.
You're starting to have
weird feelings towards me.
Never felt that way
towards a woman.
Mm-mm.
Are we going to die?
I think we should have sex.
If you want to.
Uh, I want to.
Okay.
[laughing]
Oh...
[giggling]
Let me just
turn on autopilot first.
I'll be right back.
Where are you going?
[moaning]
Flight 420, are you there?
Over?
You're going down.
Is that God?
I don't know.
But you'll hear angels
when I do this.
[moaning]
Engage your thrust.
You need to speed up.
Don't listen to God.
Do not listen to God.
Slow right on down.
[moaning]
[giggling]
[moaning]
Look, it's the hydraulic lever.
[struggles]
Crap.
It's made with parts
before the war.
Little help?
Sounds like my dad.
Question is, which war?
On the count of three, okay?
One, two, three.
[groaning]
[moaning]
You know, you really
hurt me back there.
I'm sorry.
I have three brothers and
I come from a military family.
Ooh, yeah.
That's going to leave a mark.
I'll live.
Whoa!
Right.
We're supposed to
hate each other, I forgot.
No, you idiot.
Why does it feel like
we're still falling?
We fixed the hydraulic.
Maybe we weren't fast enough.
And we're going
to die any minute.
Any minute.
Wait.
Oh, my God.
I was just about
to have amazing sex.
But we're going to
die before it happens.
Really?
You're my type.
You're totally my type.
Einstein with like
a Raquel Welch bod.
Congratulations, because you
are totally not my type.
But I think we can make it work.
Let's do it.
Do what?
It.
Everyone, please stay seated.
CANDY:
Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.
Oh, yes. Oh, Jesus.
She's a very sweet girl.
She's going to be a nun.
Does she know that?
She really loves Jesus.
I mean, she loves Jesus.
CANDY:
Jesus.
Sounds like she found Him.
Ah!
Come to Snake.
[grunting]
Yeah, you like that?
Yeah, I do.
-Who's the rock star, baby?
-Oh, yeah.
Iron Snake, yeah.
Say my name.
-I don't know your name.
-It's Iron Snake.
-Iron Snake!
-Iron Snake!
Hey, what's your real name?
No autographs for you.
Bad girl.
[moaning]
Ooh!
Yeah, just like this.
Oh, you're going
to break my hole!
Oh, yeah, that's right,
snakes go in so deep.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, hiss at me, baby.
-[hisses]
-Yeah.
[giggling]
[moaning]
Oh, yeah...
[moaning]
[shrieking]
[grunting]
-Oh, you like that?
-I do!
Oh, yeah, you
like this position?
I love it.
This is called an
Iron Snake ride.
-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah.
Oh, come on.
Oh, yeah, unplug my pipes.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, who's my groupie now?
You're my groupie.
-No, I don't like that.
-Oh, yes you do.
Oh, I like that.
Oh, yeah, you like that?
Oh, groupie, groupie,
groupie, groupie, groupie.
[moaning]
Oh, wow.
Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
Wow.
Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.
Oh, I'm going to miss that.
That.
You want to fly this plane
so that we don't
die, and everything?
-Oh, okay.
-Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh!
What?
Jesus. Jesus?
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh my God.
Do you want a beer
or something?
[beeping]
I can blow you.
Oh my God.
Oh my God, Jesus is dead.
Oh, Jesus is dead.
Jesus is dead.
Are you dead?
Oh my God.
[grunting]
I'm going to climax!
-Oh yeah, I'll come with you.
-Okay.
[moaning]
[moaning]
Oh, that was amazing.
I think we broke the plane.
Holy cow.
Want to help Snake
with the lever?
Oh, okay.
No, no, no, no, not that lever.
-That lever.
-Oh, yeah.
[grunting]
I think that worked.
Again.
Your body's so lethal.
Very.
I can't fly the plane!
I'm still drunk and
I feel a little high
and I'm definitely on drugs.
All because I'm going
to be a nun.
Oh my God.
Where am I?
You're dead, Jesus.
I'm dead?
Yeah, you're dead.
You're dead.
I don't know, I don't know.
I don't know anymore.
Just, um... just stay here.
I'm going to go get some help
and you just come right on
out that door in three days.
-Three days?
-Three days.
Candy?
Are you okay?
I killed Jesus.
What?
He's fine. He's fine.
He's fine.
He's going to come out of
that cockpit in three days
and we're going to celebrate
his res--
[burps]
Erection.
Erection.
I said erection.
I'm going to go to hell.
I'm going to hell.
Candy? Candy?
Shhh.
Focus.
What happened?
I fucked the only person who can
land this plane's brains out.
[screaming]
Daddy, daddy, daddy.
You have to let him go.
He's the only man
who can fly the plane.
He's a fake pilot, honey.
A scam artist.
He's right, Gloria.
I'm just a flimflam man.
I'm a con man.
A grifter.
I don't deserve your trust.
I never have.
Well, do you love me?
Of course I love you.
Is that real?
It's the only real thing
that I know.
Well, that is good
enough for me.
Now you go and fly that plane.
Daddy, you have to let him go.
Oh, well...
The only place you're going
is prison for 15 to 20 years.
Don't get pregnant, honey.
What?
[coughing]
Whoa.
You guys want to get high?
Captain!
No? All right.
Take him to the lounge.
Stressed out.
Where's the happy girl?
Where's the happy girl?
Hi, happy girl.
Barry can fly the plane.
Oh!
No, wait. He can't.
Well, but he's wearing
a pilot's outfit.
Who's flying the plane?
Jesus.
No, he's high.
The plane has autopilot.
We'll be fine...
For now.
I hate flying.
Planes go boom, boom,
and they crash.
Well, he clearly
suffered multiple concussions
from some kind of a strenuous
activity in the cockpit.
Candy, what did you give him?
Everything.
Ugh...
Wait, where are you going?
I'm going to go help
Otto land the plane.
Did she just say she's
going to help land the plane?
Woo!
-Wait. Oh, wait.
-Wait.
Candy, don't go
in the cockpit alone.
-We're coming.
-Goodbye.
Oh!
Okay, all right.
This is ridiculous.
I need to do something.
You've already
done something, buddy.
Okay, look, look.
I know by putting on this suit,
it doesn't make me a captain.
But what I didn't tell
your daughter is that
I used to fly my dad's
prop plane every summer
when I grew up in Iowa.
Okay, this is different, but
the fundamentals are the same.
-I'm going.
-Sit down!
Do you really hate me that much,
that you would risk your own
daughter's life
just to prove what a
charlatan you think I am?
I hate you.
Don't make me regret this.
I won't.
Thank you, Senator.
Go!
God, hello?
It's me, Candy.
Okay, everybody out!
I only want Gloria in here.
I don't know how to
fly a plane, Barry.
It's okay. It's okay.
You're going
to encourage me to fly
because I always do my best
work with you by my side.
And I'm not going
to give you up now, okay?
-Okay.
-Okay.
Okay, I'll take care
of the passengers.
Great.
Oh, good luck, because God
isn't answering,
because it's all my fault.
We're probably going to hell
because I screwed the brains out
of Jesus, and now...
It's okay.
He'll forgive you.
-You got this?
-We got this.
-Okay, okay.
-Okay.
Hang in there, babe.
Hello?
Can anyone hear me?
Nothing?
No, we're on our own.
Okay, so maybe if we make
a small descent,
we can pick a short-range signal
or find a runway or something.
Um, sure that could work.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Candy, is that the pilot?
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's all my fault.
Yikes.
Well, at least I just had
the best sex of my life.
And that's worth something.
Wow, really?
-Yeah.
-Oh my gosh.
Hey, since we're going to die
and all, can I ask a favor?
Yeah, anything.
All aboard. All aboard.
Everyone, I have
some heavy news.
To get you up to speed,
my name is Candy
and I'm going to be a nun.
Yay, me!
And me and my girls are
going to D.C.
because Gloria's
getting married.
Yay!
Okay, the pilot's
not technically dead.
-What do you mean?
-The pilot's dead?
No, no, not dead,
but cannot fly the plane.
But Barry,
who is pretending to...
Oh, um, act like
I didn't say that.
Not a real pilot is
going to fly the plane.
-Pretending was better.
-Yes, I see that now.
Anyway, bottom line,
we're screwed.
We're so screwed,
we're so fucked.
No, no, no, no, no, wait.
What's going on out there?
Shh.
I can't hear them.
Wait, I waited to
get onto this plane
to take chances that I should
have been taking my entire life.
And that's just not right,
that is not living,
that is unliving.
And now when we might only have
20 more minutes left to live,
we get to decide
how we want to live.
-20 minutes?
-20 minutes?
Do we go out with
a whimper or a bang?
Do we face death with our
heads between our legs?
Or each other's legs?
Do we go out laughing or crying?
Screaming or dreaming?
So, what's it going to be?
Everyone's so quiet.
This is how we're going to die?
Only you can save them, Candy.
One hit will set them free.
The Lord is listening, Candy.
Set them free.
I know what to do.
Do what, Candy?
The secret's in
these little guys.
Just one hit, and
we can set them free.
Okay.
Set them free.
Great idea.
The ultimate mile high club.
[whistling]
Okay, the plane is
going to fall apart!
Ease back on the speed!
I don't know how!
I mean, all these
controls look the same!
-Barry! Calm down!
-I don't know how!
Breathe!
Okay, all right.
Is this better?
Yeah.
Whoa!
[chattering]
Make way for Bambi!
-Ready?
-Woo!
[shouting]
Woo!
If we're going to party,
let's party.
Woo!
[laughing]
Woo!
Okay, I'm getting my bearings,
but the wheel's still sticking.
I just need one small
controlled burst
on the right side of the plane.
From inside the plane?
Uh... Sure, yeah.
Okay, I have an idea.
Hello everyone!
This is Gloria from
inside the cockpit,
and we need your help.
So if you could just keep
doing what you're doing,
but do it to the
right side of the plane,
and do it hard, okay?
To the right!
[chattering, shouting]
Did it work?
No, I don't think so.
Okay... Um...
On the count of three,
everybody jump!
One, two, three!
One, two, three!
It worked.
The wheel is free.
We're going to be okay.
I think we should still
be able to land.
Barry, you did it!
No, we did it.
Gloria, you guys did it!
We all did it!
This isn't the Bachelorette
party I was dreaming off,
and we didn't join
the Mile High Club, but...
I did.
I did, and it was awesome.
-I did, twice, technically.
-Oh!
Oh, well, that's great.
That's good for you guys.
And now, Candy,
you can be a nun.
[crashing, shouting]
[shrieking]
Barry, what was that?
We're under attack!
Nazis!
-It's the fuel line.
-Huh?
We lost an engine.
We're going down.
We maybe have two
minutes before we crash.
[screaming]
Okay!
I don't want to die!
Save us!
Nobody panic!
Get down!
Stay in the driver's seat!
[shrieking]
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
No...
Gloria!
Gloria, wake up, please!
Barry?
Are we dead yet?
Not yet.
Good. I have an idea.
-Barry!
-Oh!
Are you okay?
Gloria! Yeah!
I am now.
How's your head?
Okay.
We're gonna be okay.
Okay, okay.
Hello.
We're not on a train, are we?
We're on a submarine.
Upscope.
Whoa.
I screwed the brains out of you.
So it's only logical that
I can screw them back into you.
Huh?
Come on, Jesus.
It's time to come again.
Cool.
I have an idea.
When I lived on the farm
with my dad in Iowa--
I thought you grew up
in Los Angeles.
Oh, no, I did.
I went to school there.
But every summer
I'd go to my dad's
and help him on the farm.
And I'd crop dust
his field every week.
Even in the bad weather.
So I know how to
stop us from crashing.
I just have to adjust our
flight path a little bit.
And then we'll go down
at a steeper angle
and use more runway for landing.
We can...
Oh, Barry, talk
more pilot to me.
Just have to deploy the flaps.
Just at the right angle.
I don't want to...
increase our drag or
reduce our controllability.
Well, you can deploy
my flaps anytime.
Huh?
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, um, let's land
the plane first, baby.
Oh.
[moaning]
[grunts]
[speaking Spanish]
You're speaking Spanish.
What is happening?
Who's flying the plane?
Thank you, Jesus.
Both of you.
Jesus?
It's Jesus.
The J is silent.
I'll take it from here.
Okay, okay.
Sir, I am so sorry for
sneaking on to this flight.
It will never happen again.
Hey, hey, hey.
Don't be sorry.
God forgives.
Plus, this has been
the greatest ride of my life.
-Get out of here.
-Okay.
Turn off the autopilot
and land this plane.
Gloria, wait!
Daddy, are you okay?
I will be when we get to D.C.
and put this
whole thing behind us.
Of course.
Hey, give us a minute.
Sit down here.
Okay.
What do you see in that guy?
He's so stupid.
And look at him.
Come on, honey.
Daddy, honestly,
I see a lot of you in him.
He's just the man who's
willing to put it
all on the line
for the person he loves.
Well, somebody had to raise you.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, don't marry that Butch guy.
I've made my peace with it.
It'll be fine.
No, no, you aren't the one
who spent your campaign funds
on a cock-a-mamie deal
like reusable wallpaper.
I mean, see, I am like him.
That sounds very stupid.
We have a lot in common.
No.
Daddy, the judge is going
to be even more furious
if I don't marry his son.
Deal's a deal, and it was
my deal to begin with.
If they put you in jail, I...
Honey, they don't put
politicians in jail.
I can't risk it.
For your sake.
And for Barry's sake.
I'm going to marry
the judge's son.
We're about to land.
Everyone needs to be seated
with their seatbelts fastened.
Barry, I have a special
seat in the back
with your name on it.
-Oh.
-Come with me.
-Bye, everyone.
-Bye.
Coming in hot.
Coming in hot.
Come on.
[screaming]
[grunts]
[shrieking]
Come on, come on, come on.
Flight 420, you're smoking.
Nice landing.
[cheering]
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Oh...
[laughs]
Good girl.
Good girl.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to D.C.
We hope you
enjoyed your flight.
Move. Ew, out of here.
The weather in our nation's
capital is a crisp 69 degrees.
We apologize for any
unplanned pregnancies,
venereal diseases,
or rug burns
you may have experienced
during our flight.
We thank you for flying
DTF airlines,
and we hope you
have a beautiful day.
Holy...
Woo!
I love my job.
[sighs]
My best friend circle
just got so much bigger.
And this flight was the best.
That's where I met Jesus.
And I met Liz.
And I met whatever this is.
Your destiny, baby.
And I can finally be with you.
With my dad's blessing.
And we can get married
and live...
-Happily ever...
-Happily ever...
After...
you get married to my son.
Surprise!
That's Butch.
Oh, my God, are you Gloria?
No, I'm Barry.
Hey, just tell me you're Gloria.
I can make this work.
Gloria Attwater.
Is a very beautiful and
very hairy daughter-in-law.
Yeah, we need to cut this hair
to something more manageable.
Judge William Caulk?
He's one of the Supremes.
Oh, I get it.
He's a singer.
Oh, stick to acting.
Judge...
Your honor,
your Eminence,
Gloria won't be
marrying your son.
She'll be marrying me.
Your son doesn't really
seem like the marrying type.
Ooh.
What's your name, son?
Barry Montgomery.
You're very brave to stand up
to a Supreme Court justice.
That shows me that you must
love this young lady a lot.
Yeah, I do.
Especially since one word from
me and I could put you in jail.
Forever.
No, Barry here
has done nothing wrong.
It's me that's broken promises.
No, young lady, there's been
no broken promises yet.
Now, there will be a marriage
but only between you and my son.
[phone ringing]
Is that a D minor?
Oh, will you turn
your toy off?
Sorry, yeah.
Now, listen.
Butch, get over here.
There will be a
marriage here, right now.
-What, here?
-Yes, right here.
Yes, I have a photographer,
we can take a few pictures.
And then in two days,
we'll go have a reception
at the slave quarters
in Mount Vernon,
where every dignified politician
and right-wing
thinking celebrity
will be in attendance.
Otherwise, your father
will be arrested.
Whoa.
I'll have you
exposed as a communist.
Your hippy boyfriend there,
he'll be exposed as a pedophile
or a Democrat. Same thing.
It's fine, it's fine.
I'll marry Butch.
Good answer.
But Gloria, you don't
have to do this.
Whatever he has on you,
we'll help you figure it out.
[growls]
I don't know, Bo.
He seems really powerful.
But yeah, sure, sure,
we'll figure it out.
Mm-hmm.
I can pray.
It's okay, ladies.
I know a lot of people marry
for the wrong reasons,
but I'll be married
for the right ones.
It'll be fine.
But Gloria, you're
never gonna get to
join the Mile High Club.
Seems pretty overrated anyway.
-No, it's awesome.
-It's amazing.
Candy?
I don't remember
what we're talking about.
Come on.
Everyone, get in position, okay?
Good.
Why do you wanna do this?
Okay, if I do this,
I stay in the will,
and the man has
generational wealth, okay?
Oh, God, you are
working it so well.
-And that blouse...
-[clears throat]
Dearly beloved, we are
all gathered here today
for the, ah,
let's get with it.
Here you go.
With this ring, I thee wed.
Don't do it, Gloria.
Barry?
Is that the bomb again?
-It works.
-Hey, stay back.
It works.
My transmogrifier.
You don't have to marry him.
I have your father's money.
What?
My transmogrifier.
Some guy in California
wants to buy my patent.
Wants to turn it into a
smart phone or something.
Don't be ridiculous.
Phones can't be smart.
It's gonna be huge, Gloria.
They're gonna wire the funds
to your father's account.
My wonders, my inventions,
they're finally taking off.
I knew it.
Mondo cool!
You're my inspiration, Gloria.
You putz!
You ruined everything.
Barry!
Oh!
[clamoring]
You just hit...
-No.
-Hit a woman!
Are you okay?
We got it on camera!
Right there.
-No.
-Security!
I am a Judge.
I can do what I want!
I have tenure.
I don't care.
He socked me!
Game, set, match, bitch!
Oh, no.
Your inheritance.
Sweetheart, don't even worry.
This is better than
a sham wedding, okay?
This is blackmail.
Okay, this is the only
language my dad speaks.
May I?
This will set me up for life.
Okay.
Beautiful.
Bye.
Gloria, I'm so sorry.
For what?
This was supposed
to be your wedding.
I'm sorry.
It still can be,
if you'll have me.
[gasping]
But, Judge Caulk just left.
I can marry you.
Because you're Jesus?
Because I'm a pilot
and it's Jesus.
The J is silent.
Right.
What do you say, Gloria?
Yes!
-Yes?
-[laughing]
Gotta love these
charter flights.
Get to wear my own uniform.
[squealing]
All right, all right,
all right, all right.
We gotta make this quick.
I don't want to leave that
cockpit unmanned too long.
You understand?
Is he even ordained for that?
Of course he is.
He's Jesus.
He has the same authority
to marry people
the way that ship captains do.
Yeah, all right.
All right, you two love
each other, right?
-You wanna marry her?
-Oh, yeah.
-You wanna marry him?
-Absolutely.
All right, well then by the
authority given to me
by the... the...
Well, I guess
I gave myself.
You guys are married now.
You may kiss the bride.
Make it good.
[cheering]
What a day.
I told you anything could
happen at 30,000 feet.
The higher the plane,
the closer to God.
Just think about what we can
do without the gravity
of fear and inhibition
holding us down.
See, I told you.
The Mile Hot Club isn't
just a sex thing.
It's a way of life.
Whatever.
Baby, what's wrong?
Everybody joined the
Mile High Club, except for us.
Well, why don't we join them?
In the bathroom?
Isn't that tradition?
Mile High Club, baby!