Albert (2016) Movie Script

[mellow, upbeat music]
[humming "O Christmas Tree"]
[playful music]
[leaves rustle]
[bamboo clatters softly]
[slurping sound]
[insect buzzing]
- All right.
The coast is officially clear.
- Freedom!
This girl's got
some roots to stretch!
- Get some water,
get some fertilizer.
Now's your chance, folks!
- Mmm...
[smack, smack]
- Aah!
- Whoa! Oof!
- Larry? Larry?
Has anyone seen
my pet ladybug?
- Guys, guys!
I've grown a flower.
- Whoa!
- Ooh!
- That's just glued on.
- You can't glue on a flower.
- You can glue everything.
I glued eyes to my butt.
- Everyone stay close
to your pot spots!
Don't wander too far.
- Too late, Boo! Ha ha ha!
Tag! You're it!
[yawns] Can't a bonsai
get some sleep around here?
- Can't catch me!
- Whoa! Whoa! Oof!
- Gotcha!
- Hey!
- Go back to your side!
- Can we share it?
- Whoa!
- Oh!
[comical notes]
[sadly] Oh...
- I knew it.
- Look! Winter's coming!
Herman lost another leaf.
That means it's almost Christmas!
- Shh! Don't say--
- Um, did somebody say
- Ah, yes!
Sing for us, Albert!
- Me? Sing?
Oh, I don't know
if I can...
Albert! Albert!
- Albert! Albert! Albert!
- Ha ha, come on, Albert.
- Who's ready to get
their jingle on?
[all cheering]
- Sing it, Albert!
- I'm ready! I'm ready!
- Ahhh, here we go...
- I admit that when it comes
to Christmas
I can get a little extreme
It's been a year of waiting,
so I'll start decorating
- The morning after
- Bring on the red and green
Come on, sing those carols
and chime those chimes
I'm ready,
so let's do this
Trim the trees,
let's start with me
For the Christmassy-est
So come on, everyone,
let's get our jingle on
And cover every square
inch with lights
Hang all the bling
we've got
Right there.
Ooh, you missed a spot.
- And turn up
the "Silent Nights"!
- That's not too much, right?
Ha ha ha ha!
Ring those bells
and light those lights
I'm ready,
so let's do this
If it's up to me,
this one will be
The Christmassy-est
ALL: Christmassy-est
- Christmassy-est
[music winds down, stops]
Nailed it.
- Eeew, Lola's got a weed!
- Ahhh!
- She's got a weed.
Maybe I've got a flower.
Ever think of that?
- Ooh!
- Eew!
- Ugh! Try cleaning your butt
yard once in a while, Gramps.
- Off my lawn!
- Owww!
- Oh! Get outta here, jerkweed!
- The name is Geeeen--
- Be nice.
It's Christmastime!
Goodwill towards all,
- So warm and moist.
- Ooh-whee!
Uh, 'scuse me, guys,
I don't wanna disturb
you or anything,
but there's fresh Christmas
trees on the lot!
- Oh!
- Ah!
- Get outta my way!
- I wanna take a gander!
- Calm down. Come on.
Everybody'll get to see 'em.
- Check out that bark!
- Oh ho ho ho ho!
- Check out those stems!
- It's me and the spirit!
- Hubba-hubba!
- They're big!
- That's some serious plants!
[plants murmuring]
- Hey. Why are you
so blue Christmas?
Those trees outside--
someone's gonna
take them home,
make 'em all twinkly
and shiny.
And right on top will go
a big, bright star.
Why not me?
- Uh, guys, I don't wanna
alarm you or anything,
but Earth Mama's comin' back!
Get back to your pot spots--
[grunts] Ohh!
[light, suspenseful music]
- How did you get down here
and all gussied up?
[gasps] Is that your
Christmas tree, Grandma?
- This pipsqueak?
Ha ha ha!
He's not ready yet.
- Ya got the delivery
for Baker's Hill, Ma?
- It's in the back.
We just need to load the truck.
Sweetie, do Grandma a favor and
take off all those ornaments.
[mellow music]
- Lots of people think
I'm a pipsqueak too.
But my dad always says
it's okay to be small,
as long as it doesn't stop you
from doing big things.
[door thuds closed]
- And she's gone!
- Aah! I'm so glad
she plugged you in!
Oh, you look so nice
all plugged in!
- I do, don't I?
Aw, no.
- Delicious bamboo...
[panda crunching]
is the panda's favorite food.
- Aah! Turn it off,
turn it off!
[jazzy, seductive music]
- Yeah.
- Not in front of
the children!
- Aw, man!
- So the search is on
for the world-famous
Empire City Christmas tree.
I'm here with tree expert
Horton Farber.
Now, professor...
what makes
the perfect Christmas tree?
- Ha ha. Right.
Robust branches
are a must
for any Christmas tree,
the better to hold those
ornaments and lights.
Some delight
at the aroma of a tree,
or "nature's perfume"...
- As I like to call it.
But the truly perfect
Empire City Tree
that captures our hearts
and imaginations,
it radiates all the beauty
and wonder and joy that--
[voice breaks, sobs]
I'm sorry.
That is Christmas.
[uplifting music]
[gasps] Albert!
Everything he said--
that's you!
I can be that tree!
- Yes!
[overlapping encouragement]
- Ha ha ha! You?
- Why not me?
- Tomorrow, I'll be joining
Professor Farber
at Baker's Hill, Vermont,
where he will select
this year's Empire City Tree.
- All right, plants!
Baker's Hill!
We need coordinates!
- We're here,
and Baker's Hill is there.
I'd say it's about 3 inches.
That's so close!
- Ugh. What are they
putting in your mulch?
- Wait, now hold on,
hold on, hold on.
You're leaving us, Albert?
[plants murmur]
- Albert, we--we love you.
[cacti whimpering, sobbing]
- I will never forget
you guys.
- Again, I don't wanna
alarm anybody,
but Albert,
your ride's leavin'!
- You'll be sorry!
- No. I'll be
a Christmas tree!
ALL: Go, go, go!
- No, no, no!
- What the dingus
is goin' on here?
[plants gasp]
- Oops!
[lightly suspenseful music]
- Go, Albert.
Follow your dreams!
- Ha ha ha ha!
It's gonna be a very
peaceful Christmas this year.
- Ooh!
[cacti giggling]
[exciting music]
- Whaa--
- Albert!
- Maisie!
[exciting music]
- Whoo-hoo!
- Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh--
- Whoa--oh-oh-oh!
No, no, no!
Oh, my lights!
I can't be the Empire City
Tree without my lights!
- One more stop
at Baker's Hill and then...
- Empire City!
And then...
- The greatest Christmas Tree
in the world!
- Whoa!
So this is outside.
- Yeah, brutal, ugly, and cold.
[soft crying]
- Do you hear that?
It's like someone's crying.
[crying continues]
- We're being transplanted!
[laughs] Aww!
Aren't they cute?
[all crying]
- Can I tell you a secret?
I'm on my
way to a new place too.
You think I'm scared?
I am.
- You are?
- Yeah, even a big tree like me.
Sometimes we all feel small.
But that's okay,
as long as it doesn't stop you
from doing big things.
ALL: Whoa!
[suspenseful music]
[rapid hopping thuds]
- Uh, Dad, what's Grandma's
little tree doing on the truck?
- You're seeing things,
- Not things.
Grandma's tree!
- Ah...
[brakes squeak]
- Uh-oh!
- Oh, bite my bark.
[suspenseful music]
[dramatic musical buildup]
- Holy Blitzen!
Coulda sworn I covered those up.
- The tree was here.
I saw it!
- Maybe you're just hungry,
Let's get some lunch!
I see things
when I'm hungry, too.
One time,
I saw a giant fried chicken.
- Whoo!
That was close.
- I think I wet my soil.
- Talking snow!
- Whoa! The outside
is a strange
and mysterious place.
Someone's underneath!
Cold, cold, cold!
[gasping breath]
Sweet relief!
I got snow in places
no cactus should have snow!
- Hey, are you okay, mister?
- Mister?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
like you don't know who I am.
I love it, the whole
not recognizing me thing.
Cactus Pete!
Come on down
to Cactus Pete's
We'll show you
A prickly good
You're on a sign!
- A sign?
How 'bout plates!
Cups, napkins--the menu!
- How 'bout
the toilet paper?
His real name's Roy.
He changed it
after he got the job.
- What were you doing
in the snow?
- It's a brutal
and sadistic tale.
[festive Latin music]
11 months outta the year,
I'm the hottest tamale
in town.
[singer whooping]
[somber music]
But as soon as Christmas
blows in like a bad smell...
[brakes screech]
They toss me out like trash
just so this pretty boy
can take my special spot!
I hate you.
Check out those lights.
- That tree has nothing
on you, Albert.
[tense music]
aren't you
mister shiny and twinkly?
- Albert's gonna be the
Empire City Christmas Tree.
Maybe you've heard of it.
- Well, you don't say?
The most famous Christmas Tree
in the whole dang universe.
- Guys, we should roll.
- Well, not the universe,
not the whole thing.
Just the world.
- Oh, don't be modest, Albert.
- Yeah, don't be modest, Al.
You're the Empire City
Christmas Tree, Al.
Everyone loves you, Al!
- Oh ho ho ho, that's because
the truly perfect
Christmas tree,
like moi, radiates the--
- I know all about
Christmas trees, jocko!
[mocking] "We need room
for our precious trees.
Let's throw the cactus outside.
It won't mind."
Well, I do mind!
I mind a great deal!
[nervous laugh]
We should go.
- Sharpen your needles, boys!
It's time to show our friends
a prickly good time.
- Ooh, whatever you say, Roy.
- Destroy that tree!
[cacti grunting]
ALBERT: Aaaah!
[dramatic music]
[base scraping]
- Aah!
- You gotta shoot back.
- Gene's right.
Make us fly, Maisie.
- Not what I meant!
ALBERT: Aaaahhh!
[thud, sizzle]
- Ohh...
- Head for the truck!
- Yee-haw!
- Aah!
- Aah--ooh-ooh-wah-oh!
[dramatic music]
- Albert!
- Behind you!
- Yah, yah!
- Wow.
- Dang.
[ice cracking]
- Ha ha ha ha!
Now, that was a prickly
good time!
- O, Christmas tree
O, Christmas tree
How heavenly
are thy branches
- Leave Albert al--
- Hah. That's the best
you got?
- Aah!
- Maisie!
- Ha ha.
How's it feel...
knowing there ain't gonna be
no stinking Empire City Tree
this year?
- Let me get back
to you on that.
- Man, I hate Christmas.
- Yes!
[truck engine turns]
- Next stop,
Baker's Hill!
Ha ha ha!
Wait, no! No, no, no, no!
- Wait, wait, wait!
Wait for us!
No! No...
[somber music]
[dark music]
- I'll get us a new ride
faster than you can say
"Every wish comes true
if the wisher who wishes it
wishes hard enough!"
- Where'd you dig her up?
Come on, let's go back
to that cozy, wozy
wonderful store.
- You're a quitter.
- I'm a realist, pal.
Even if she does find us
a truck, which she won't,
what are the chances it's
gonna take us to Baker's--
[engine turns]
- Yoo-hoo!
Baker's Hill anyone?!
- Maisie, ha ha ha,
you're amazing!
- Unbelievable.
- I'm the best,
I'm the best!
Aw, yeah!
I'm the best!
I found a truck! Ooh, yeah!
Let's go!
[ominous Latin music]
[soft music]
Oh, boy! This is gonna be
the best Christmas ever!
Can you feel it, Albert?
- Whoa!
There are stars in the sky
and snow on the ground.
It's everything Christmas
should be.
But something's still missing.
It's me!
[upbeat music]
Bows top presents
Snow's like frosting
on a tree
The stockings
and the sleigh bells
Are a lovely touch
But there's room for
improvement in everything
And Christmas
is missing a certain zing!
It's a matter of time
until I get to shine
And then everyone will see
The best thing that can happen
to Christmas
The best thing
that can happen to Christmas
The best thing that can happen
to Christmas
Is me
- What about Santa?
- Yeah, he's pretty great.
- And the nine flying reindeer?
- Uh, there were only eight.
- When it comes
to Christmas
You can't have too
- There's more to be merry
and sing about
The timing is right,
and the moment's now
- The star of the evening
might not be the star
But, actually, the tree!
- The best thing that can
happen to Christmas
The best thing
that can happen to Christmas
The best thing that can happen
to Christmas
Is meeeee
- Ha ha ha! The best thing
that could happen to Christmas
is me...
beating the sap out of
the shiniest, twinkliest,
Christmas tree in the world!
- Whoa! What's happening?
[tense music]
[Cactus Pete groans]
- "Bakers Hill.
Paper--Paper Mill?"
[all exclaiming]
- Aah!
- Aah!
[buzzer blaring]
- I don't wanna die
in screaming agony!
Hold on to something big!
- At least we got rid of
Cactus Pete!
- Think again!
Ha ha!
- Albert!
[bang, crunch]
- Maisie!
Hang on, I'm comin'!
[banging, crunching]
- Oh!
- Wrong again.
You're goin'!
- Oh!
- Ha ha!
Oh, boy.
- Ah...aah!
[dramatic music]
- Yes!
Pete, I know a way out.
But I need your help.
- What's your plan?
- Gene can flip the switch!
- This is not a plan.
[intense music]
- Hurry up, Gene!
- Hurry!
It's stuck!
- Albert!
- I'm sorry, Maisie!
I'm sorry!
- At least I'll take you down
[buzzer blaring]
[dramatic musical buildup]
[wood cracking, crunching]
- Albert!
- Maisie!
- Aah!
[dark music]
[hinges creak]
[dramatic musical flourish]
- Let the auditions begin!
- Hmm.
This could work.
- We can't have Christmas
without a tree.
- Bring it, Boo!
- If it's up to me,
this one will be
The Christmassy-est--
[music stops]
Oh. Next!
["Deck the Halls" plays]
[rapid notes]
[gagging, choking]
- Next!
["O Christmas Tree" on organ]
- Ho...ho...ho.
[music winds down]
ALL: We miss Albert.
[eerie music]
[wood creaking]
[wind howling]
- Whoa! I didn't know
trees grew so tall!
Does anybody know how to
get to Baker's Hill?
Maybe they're too tall
to hear.
- Maybe you're too short
to be heard.
[snow crunches]
- A bunny! Aw!
- I don't like the way
she's lookin' at me.
- Gene, only you could be
paranoid about a bunny.
- Yeah. She's such
a honey bunny!
The cutest wittle fuzzy
muffin the world!
- Aah!
Hey, stop!
[eerie "Psycho"-like notes]
You wanna piece of me?
- He already got
a piece a' you.
It's the piece a' me
I'm worried about.
- What's his problem?
- Aah!
[ominous chords]
- Another one?
How many are there?
- You don't wanna know.
[dramatic musical sting]
[overlapping whimpers, cries]
[rabbits growling]
- Hop!
Hop, hop, hop!
- Ah...I'm getting
sleigh sick!
BOTH: Uh-oh.
- Ah-choo!
[overlapping yelling]
[dramatic music]
[rabbits snarling]
- Oh, this is how it ends.
[intense musical buildup]
[ice squeaking]
Ha ha ha! Yes!
[ice squeaking]
[helicopter blades thrumming]
[uplifting music]
[both panting]
- Baker's Hill!
We made it!
- Well, tweeze my roots!
- Whoo-hoo!
How do ya feel now,
Mr. Grumpy Pants?
You're sharing a pot
with the next
Empire City Christmas Tree!
[crack, clatter]
- Oh, my last one!
I can't go out there
without my ornaments!
- Oh, don't worry.
We're gonna get ya
all holly jolly.
Aren't you gonna help?
- Why bother?
- Gene, this is my chance
to be a real Christmas tree.
- Albert, you don't need
any of that shiny,
twinkly stuff
to be a Christmas tree.
You shared your pot with me
when no one else would.
You treated me like a friend
and not some filthy weed.
If that's not what Christmas
is all about,
then I don't know what is!
- Thanks, guys.
- If anyone says
you're not Christmassy enough,
send them to me.
- Break a branch!
And not literally!
Just an expression!
[inspiring music]
- Trunk in.
Branches out.
Be...the tree!
[whimsical music]
- Oh! This is it!
We found our tree, everyone!
[music goes off-key, stops]
- Christmas tree!
Over here, please!
Christmas tree!
I'm the one.
I'm...the one.
- It's a Christmas miracle,
We have found the glorious
Empire City Tree!
[soft music]
[wind howls]
- You'll be the Empire
City Tree next year, Albert.
You'll see.
[trees laughing]
- The runt wants to be
the Empire City Tree!
- That's precious!
I mean, right?
I mean,
tell me, am I'm wrong?
- Hear that, Betty?
Shrimpo wants your job.
- Ha ha ha ha ho!
Look at you!
Oh, I've got pine cones
bigger than you,
little sprout.
- I'm not a sprout.
I'm just short.
[soft music]
Leave me alone!
- Albert!
Oh, there you are.
- All my life, I dreamed
about being a Christmas tree.
- Forget those jerkweeds.
They don't know their butts
from their branches.
- Come on, let's go home.
- No way.
Everyone at the nursery
is just gonna laugh at me.
- Ah ha ha!
What's funny is that you
actually had me fooled.
I really thought
you were the famous tree!
But hey,
I gotta thank ya, Al.
Because of you, I found
the real Empire City Tree.
O, Christmas Tree
O, Christmas Tree
Your flames
will shine so
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
- Noooo!
- He's gonna destroy
the Empire City Tree.
And it's all my fault.
- Don't blame yerself, Albert.
It's her fault too.
- Yeah! Feel better now?
How did Pete
survive the Mill?
- He's unstoppable.
[throttle up humming]
- No, he's not.
- Whoo-hoo!
Ah, yeah!
[epic music]
[funky upbeat music]
[cars whooshing]
[horns honking]
- Yikes!
Where are we?
- Leave it to me.
- Ah-choo!
- Are you all right?
- Why wouldn't I be?
[weed humming "Deck the Halls"]
- Watch this.
Yo, buddy, can you help out
a fellow weed?
- A weed in need?
- Yes, indeed.
We gotta get to
Empire City Square!
- Hey, SCUZZ!
We got a weed in need here!
- Harry! Let's get these newbies
to the square ASAP!
- Yo, take it down a notch.
- See, everyone else
treats weeds like dirt.
So we help each other.
- It's the weed creed.
- How can you grow
in a crack?
- Hey, babe, it's just a crack.
But it's my crack, all right?
- It's a crack.
- Hey, we got your route!
[energetic rhythm]
- This way.
Let's go!
Right here!
- Ah!
[funky upbeat music continues]
["Joy to the World" plays]
- We're here in Empire City
for the lighting of the world's
most famous Christmas tree.
Professor Horton,
what can you tell us about
this year's tree?
- Oh, that trunk!
Those branches!
- Is that Albert?
- Yeah, if he's been scarfing
a buttload of fertilizer.
- You mean,
they didn't pick him?
Well, I would have picked him!
What's wrong with them?
He was perfect!
- Hey, down in front!
- Cactus Pete!
[dark notes]
- Save...the...
- Maisie? Maisie!
- Maisie!
You're freezing.
- We gotta warm her up.
[light music]
- I know you.
You're from Grandma's nursery.
A tree like you shouldn't
be out in the cold.
Dad! Dad! The palm tree
from Grandma's store.
You gotta see this!
Someone's pulling
a fast one.
[suspenseful music]
[pot thunking along ground]
- Well, if it isn't
my old pal Al,
the little tree that couldn't.
Look at yourself!
I may never be
a Christmas tree,
but I am not letting you
ruin Christmas.
- Oh ho ho ho!
Sassy words, amigo.
Oh, sometimes I'm so bad.
Now if you'll excuse me,
it's time to get
a little festive.
I call it "The Empire City
Christmas Tree Lighting...
with extra picante."
[tense music]
- Uhh!
[intense musical buildup]
- No!
[crash, shatter]
- Albert!
[ominous chords]
["Deck the Halls" plays]
I saved the tree.
- Not yet.
Look, a falling star.
- Aah!
[crowd gasps]
[crowd commotion]
[dramatic musical sting]
[ominous music]
[crowd murmuring]
[winch squeaks]
- Ohh...
- Ho...ho...ha!
- I'm--I'm--I'm bald!
[crowd murmurs]
My dad always says
it's okay to be small
as long as it doesn't stop
you from doing big things.
[soft music]
[uplifting music]
- Folks, the Christmas star
has sliced off the top
of this beautiful tree.
Sliced it like a knife through
a holiday cheese log.
- You don't have to be
a scientist to know
that a Christmas tree
without a star is...
not a Christmas...
[light music]
- Are you okay?
- Yes! Someone get me a pot,
a shovel, and ornaments.
- You heard the professor.
And while you're at it,
get rid of this ugly cactus.
- I don't know how you got here,
my little friend,
but thank Christmas
you made it.
[heroic music]
- Daddy! That's him!
Grandma's tree!
I told you I saw him!
- Jiminy Christmas!
[intense music]
[cheers and applause]
It's like my dream had a dream,
and that dream came true!
[crowd commotion]
- You can do it...
- C'mon, little guy...
- Be strong.
- Be...the tree.
[crowd roars]
[epic, sweeping music]
- Hooray! I'm a genius!
- Go, little tree!
[overlapping chatter, shouting]
Ring those bells
and light those lights
I'm ready, so let's do this
If it's up to me,
this one will be
The Christmassy--
- Are you gonna sing that
all night?
- I might!
[Betty chuckles]
- I figured!
- Back home, my friends
can't get enough of it.
[soft music]
Good-bye, Albert.
- Oh...
[melancholy music]
Ah, you've gotta
be kidding me.
- Maisie!
Wait! I need a favor!
- Come on down
to Cactus Pete's
I'll show you a prickly
Good time...
- Pete!
[whimsical music]
Thanks, guys!
- Ugh. You won, okay?
Just let me be.
Go spread joy to the world
or some reindeer-poop
like that.
- You don't really hate
Christmas, Pete.
- Oh, stop.
- What you hate
is being left out.
I know how it feels.
Yer talkin' nonsense.
- We're not so different,
you and me.
We both have needles,
no one hangs ornaments on yours.
And that stinks.
- I...
I always wondered
what it would be like,
bein' all shiny and twinkly
and feeling the warmth of
those lights
and...making everyone
feel merry!
Listen, I'm, uh...
I'm sorry.
For everything I did to you.
[sighs] I've been nothin'
but naughty this year.
- It's not too late to do nice.
- Whoo-hoo!
Hey, look at me!
I'm Mr. Shiny McTwinkly!
Ooh, sorry about
the buzz cut, ma'am.
- Don't mention it.
- Whoo-hoo!
Ha ha ha! I'm prickly!
I'm prickly,
and it's okay!
- How long are we
gonna give him?
- As long as he wants.
- Wait, what?
- After all you put me through?
You're just walking away?
- No. I'm going home.
I got some friends
who need a Christmas Tree.
[pensive music]
- O, Christmas Pete
O, Christmas Pete
How heavenly are thine
Yeah, that's the stuff!
["We Wish You A Merry Christmas" plays]
- Maisie looked that bunny
square in the eyes and said--
- You wanna piece of me?!
- Right, that's telling 'em!
What about
green Gene, here?
- Ah you wouldn't believe it.
Gene knew every weed
in Empire City!
- Every weed!
- Wow!
- Gene's a bad dude.
What can I say?
I get around.
- I hate to alarm y'all again,
but Earth Mama's
on the move! Hurry!
- You wanna do what?
- But we've got presents
to open!
- Just one second.
- What is it with her
and that tree?
- I don't know how
you did it, little tree,
but I'm glad you're back.
Here, I made something for ya.
I'm sure I'll be
seeing you around.
I always do.
[light music]
- I love sappy endings.
- Yeah, me too!
- Weed!
- You can call me SCUZZ.
- Merry Christmas!
- Aah!
- How's it hanging,
fun stuff?
- Watch your mouth,
little weed boy.
- Refill!
- I think I found my soilmate.
- Oh, no...
- Oh, yeah, we invited some
friends over for Christmas.
- Come on, guys!
Mingle, dance around.
This is a party!
Let's party!
[all whooping]
- Who's ready to get
their jingle on?
Ha ha ha!