Alex Strangelove (2018) Movie Script

The great white shark,
a vicious predator...
ruled by instinct.
Jordan Kovalenko,
star running back and vicious predator...
ruled by instinct.
The Roseate Spoonbill,
at first sight a bit strange,
but then she spreads her wings
and becomes the picture of elegance.
Molly Ellington Kent,
pure, bespectacled,
eighth-grade awkwardness.
But on the first day of ninth grade,
Molly spread her wings and took flight.
And the males of her species took notice.
The peacock spider.
He flashes his colorful abdomen
to attract the females.
Owen Sheridan.
He flashes his colors in order to...
Well, you know, you get the message.
When it comes to mating,
I'm not really sure
what kind of animal I am,
mostly because, well,
I haven't had sex yet.
I'm not opposed to it,
I just haven't found the right girl.
Maybe that means I'm a penguin guy.
They're sweet, a little awkward,
and they mate for life,
which I think is kind of romantic.
I've always been a romantic.
My guy friends are definitely
a bunch of horny monkeys.
Proboscis monkeys, to be exact.
Goofy, rowdy, and obsessed
with the size of their...
uh, noses.
So to be clear,none of us are winning
any football trophies,
but we're not totally D-list.
In fact...
The next president of Buchanan High is...
Alex Truelove.
Yeah, that's my actual last name.
I've taken plenty of shit for it
over the years.
Eventually I owned it
and used it for political gain.
But it hasn't done much
to help me with girls.
I mean, who'd want to go out
with a cephalopod-obsessed,
Type A wildlife nerd?
Don't be dangling this
out of some damn window.
This is a $1,200 piece of equipment.
If you bust it doing something stupid,
I'll take it out of your deposit.
Okay, great.
So now let's talk about batteries.
Everybody's favorite subject, right?
- These batteries. Run the battery down...
- Excuse me.
Sorry for spying.
Is that a blue-ringed octopus?
You know your cephalopods.
So please, I beg you...
I want you...
Always take the lens cap
off the lens. be my video production partner.
- Oh.
- If you don't already have one.
Quit trying to pick up the new girl.
Pay attention.
Thank you.
- Now, my future Fellinis...
- Truelove?
Yeah. You can call me Alex, though.
You can call me
your video production partner.
Take the lens cap off...
That was the beginning
of Savage Kingdom High,
hosted by Alex and Claire.
Well, it's mating season
here at Buchanan High.
And just like
a colony of randy African hippos,
the kids are getting it on.
The Piranha Patrol is at it again.
Let's see who survived
the latest social feeding frenzy.
What began as a high school video project,
became a semi-popular web series
dedicated to the savage kingdom
that is the modern American high school.
Here we'll find the library lemurs
camouflaged in their natural habitat.
Follow me.
Look, I've discovered a nest.
It's rare to find so many in one place.
A substantial herd.
Who are the naked mole rats
of Buchanan High?
The answer might surprise you.
Holy shit. We already have 28,000 views.
I told you a topless video would kill.
What a weird, pervy world we live in.
Do you want to come
to the homecoming dance with me?
Oh. Um...
I mean, I know it's like
a lame high school ritual,
but, I don't know, we could rig
the Homecoming Queen election
so that you win, and then
we could pour pig's blood on you
and you could burn down the gym
in a telekinetic rage.
And the best part is...
we won Homecoming King and Queen!
Does this dress make me look fat?
After that, we went
to every high school dance we could.
But just as friends.
Your chariot awaits.
What's wrong?
My mom is in the hospital.
She's at Harrison Methodist, right?
Aren't they like
a really cutting-edge cancer hospital?
Yeah, so she's in good hands.
I guess.
They're gonna do a bunch of tests.
It just sucks.
Yeah, it sucks.
You look cute, Sid Vicious.
- I'm sorry, I ruined the night.
- No, you didn't ruin anything.
Come on, we can have
our junior prom right here.
It's all good.
Did we just ruin the friendship?
I don't care.
The next day
I went to the aquarium with Claire,
my official girlfriend.
I kept waiting for her to turn and say,
"Just kidding, you're clearly too dorky
to be boyfriend material."
But she never did.
And now...
Senior year.
I think this could be
the girl I'm gonna marry.
As for sex, it hasn't happened yet,
but any day now.
Any day.
First time Kelly kissed a boy
Glow in the dark arrow in the heart
First time Kelly kissed a boy
Hey, hey, hey, dudes,
I have a question for you.
Okay, where is the craziest place
you guys have ever done it?
Like, sexy time.
The back room of Cookie Eclipse.
Like at work?
Yeah, the smell of chocolate chips
was wafting through the air.
Sounds magical. Josh?
Inflatable dragon.
Like one of those bouncy castles?
Inflatable dragon.
That's all I'm gonna say, man.
- Hey, boys.
- Hello.
Perfect timing.
I'm collecting some scientific data
for a research project.
Wait, do we have a research project due?
When is that? Is that AP History?
- When is that due?
- Oh my God.
Where is the craziest place
you guys have ever done it?
- Oh.
- Hmm.
That's easy, we have not done it yet.
What? It's true. I've been trying
to de-virginize you for eight months.
You won't let me.
Okay, see you inside.
- Guys. Guys, look...
- Dude. Oh, my God.
Dude, you were just like stripped
of your penis before our very eyes.
Balls too.
Ballsack included.
Your dick is gone, though.
Yeah, it dropped right off.
Gone in a poof of dick glitter.
No, we just want it to be special.
Oh my God, you're gay.
- That's very funny.
- No, no, no, really.
There's nothing wrong with that.
It's the 21st century.
Everyone's gay.
Are you gay?
- Fuck no!
- Well, neither am I.
Can't we just get past this whole
horny, teenage boy archetype.
Quite frankly, the idea that it's gay
to think of sex
as something that's meaningful and special
is offensive.
That's the gayest sentence
anyone's ever said, dude.
Okay, so what is it?
Am I gay, or did my dick fall off?
Your dick fell off.
Good luck being gay with no dick.
- May I help you?
- What was that?
What? I was just answering
Dell's question.
No, you weren't.
You totally threw me under the bus.
And not like any bus, like a giant,
hulking tour bus for Beyonc.
- Don't be dramatic.
- I'm not.
But you made me seem
like a prudish, sexophobic freak.
Well, isn't that kind of true?
That is so not true.
- I never wanted to wait until marriage.
- Shh. Okay.
- Not that specifically.
- Well, then what specifically?
Why is it every time we're,
you know, like, going at it,
you always put the brakes on
at a certain point?
Well... I don't know.
I just... We've never really talked
about going past that point.
- Maybe we should just go for it.
- Yeah.
You know, I mean...
- I'd like to.
- Yeah, I know. Me too.
Okay, so when?
Let's get a hotel room.
- What?
- Let's do it.
Let's get a hotel roomnext week.
Okay, I don't think
you're supposed to shake on this.
- Okay. Deal.
- Okay.
I'm gonna sex you so good
you wont know what time it is.
- I like that.
- Yeah?
I'm gonna sex you like a tornado on fire.
I'm gonna sex you
like a gorilla would sex his...
fuzzy, furry gorilla...
life mate.
- You should workshop that one.
- Yeah, it's not as good.
The Golgi apparatus is responsible
for the manufacturing and shipping
of the molecules produced by,
and synthesized in,
the endoplasmic reticulum.
But the most amazing thing
about all of this...
is Alex Truelove
is going to have sex next week.
ass-slapping intercourse...
of a sexual kind.
Just try not to fuck it up.
Okay, yeah.
Okay, read pages 121 through 140
for tomorrow, guys.
- Okay?
- Okay.
I found my dick.
I'll be the judge of that.
Not that it's any of your business,
but Claire and I talked
and we're planning
a little date next week.
A consummation, if you will.
"Consummation"? Are you my grandma?
- I need your help.
- It's called "bumping uglies," Alex.
Your sister's help.
Or "vaginal humping"
if you want to get technical.
- Dell!
- What?
I need Hillary to book me a hotel room.
You predator.
You have to be over 18 to book a room.
- So get Josh to do it. He's 18.
- What?
No, no. I want to keep this
under the radar.
Is she still in town?
Oh, she's in town
for the foreseeable future.
Fun fact, she got kicked out
of Northside Community College,
- if you can believe that.
- Okay, will you talk to her, please?
Since it's for a good cause. Yeah! Yeah!
- Yeah! Yeah!
- Oh!
Yeah, congratulations, Truelove.
You will be a man soon.
Well, that makes one of you.
Okay, sidebar. Sophie Hicks.
Ooh, baby
Do you know what that's worth?
Ooh, heaven is a place on earth
They say in heaven love comes first
We'll make heaven a place on earth
Dell has had a mad crush
on Sophie Hicks since elementary school.
In the sixth grade,
he thought it'd be a brilliant move
to take some 11-year old beefcake selfies
and send them to her for Valentine's Day.
Of course, Sophie couldn't keep
a treasure like that to herself,
and it wasn't long
before the entire sixth grade
was enjoying Dell's photo shoot.
Thus branding him "Delgado Beanpolio"
for the rest of his life.
But he didn't care.
Dell has always been an optimist.
Sophie Hicks.
You know you love me.
Yeah, let me sleep on that one.
Are you inviting me to sleep with you?
Sophie, that's so forward.
In another dimension, Delgado.
Another dimension.
A man can dream.
So, I'm thinking
we go full Great Gatsby for prom.
Some hardcore Jay and Daisy action.
What do you think?
I don't have any condoms,
so we should stop off at the Rite Aid
before we do the whole hotel thing.
Oh, God, Alex,
please do not freak out about this.
I'm not freaking out.
Yes, you are. I know you.
You will stress out and get all uptight
and scrunch up your face,
just like you are doing right now.
You shouldn't worry so much.
It's not sexy.
Excuse me? I'm plenty sexy.
Wow, what a... what a crazy party.
You're awesome.
Has anyone ever told you
that you have beautiful breasts?
So perky and well-proportioned.
You should take off your bra.
Oh, you want me to take off your bra?
Oh, nice.
Does that feel good?
Do you like that?
I want to throw caution to the wind
and make sweet love to you.
Long and sensuous.
I want to slide my hard cock
into your wet pussy.
- Alex?
- What? What?
Claire's here.
Who were you talking to?
No one. Myself.
My monkey.
Okay, so Dell does not know
that it's a Drama party.
So don't tell him anything.
What's up? What's going on?
I got in.
To Columbia?
Oh, my God. That's awesome.
Congratulations. Amazing.
You got into Columbia?
Ron, Claire got into Columbia.
- Congrats, Claire.
- Thanks.
So when the hell
are you gonna hear from Columbia?
He's gonna get in. I applied early.
That's the only reason I heard.
You sent in the essay about Scout camp?
Nope, I sent the one
about the autistic kid at the rec center.
Ooh, that's good. Autism is good.
I'm sure you're in.
It's a good thing we have autistic kids
to help us get into college.
Okay, Mr. Sarcasm.
You'll be whistling a different tune
when you and Claire are walking across
the Columbia quad together next fall.
Dad, just don't jinx it, okay?
I'm stressed out enough already.
Okay. Well, we are very proud
of you, Claire.
Oh, thanks.
I can't wait to visit you two on campus.
Shut up, Dell.
I don't even know if I got in.
And Claire, FYI, I will be trying
to hook up with your roommate.
So, let's just try
and get that out in the open
so no one's uncomfortable later.
Okay, duly noted, Dell.
Wait, is this a Drama party?
- Hey.
- Hi.
Here. You're welcome too, my boy.
You were so good!
You're killing me. You're so good.
You sure you don't want
anything stronger to drink?
We're completely surrounded by Drama kids.
This is Amaro,
the Italian digestif, my friend.
- What do you have against Drama kids?
- They only have shit like "Amaro"
to drink at a party.
Trust me, it's strong.
That's why I'm sipping it.
One day, Truelove,
I'm gonna get you freakin' hammered
on good old-fashioned beer,
and then you'll realize that cutting loose
is actually fun.
Acting dumb and puking your guts out
sure sounds like a lot of fun to me.
Don't knock it till you tried it.
Greetings, Buchanan Drama geeks.
This party is about to begin.
Please tell me you brought me beer.
Where we're going, we don't need beer.
It's a frog.
It's the Guyana banana leaf toad.
Wait. That's an extremely rare species.
Hell yeah. Do you know how hard it was
to get one over the internet?
You smuggled an illegal exotic animal
into the country?
Illegal, exotic,
and highly psychoactive, baby.
I owe you and Claire a huge thank you
for your weird-ass videos.
Otherwise, I wouldn't even know
that this guy exists.
Who's first?
No way, we're not licking this frog.
Oh, we are so licking this frog.
Dell, wait, that is dangerous,
and toxic, and...
And delicious.
All right, I can't watch this.
I gotta go pee.
What happened?
You lost the frog?
You... you dumb shit!
God help us.
Shut the door.
Shut it.
Sorry to be so gruff, but honestly,
I don't want to advertise this
to the entire world, okay?
Yeah, sure, sure.
Come on, join the cool kids.
- Do you guys go to Buchanan?
- No.
Actually, I go to Northridge
and I met Sophie at drama camp.
He doesn't even go to high school.
Yeah, I'm a juvenile delinquent.
No. I graduated last year.
Tragically, she's still got
one more year to endure.
Yeah, that's why I'm getting stoned.
Yeah! Hey!
I think we're here to corrupt you, Alex.
He's gone.
He's totally fucking gone, Dell.
Don't yell at me, man.
It was a slippery little shit.
You owe me $1,100 bucks.
I'd be more concerned
about the environmental catastrophe
when that thing breeds.
That's not funny, dude.
Help me look.
Have you looked
next to the singing garden hose?
What are you talking about?
I, uh... yeah.
I think I'm going to go inside
and get a drink of water.
What is this weird vendetta that you have
against the cheerleaders at our school?
The cheerleaders at our school
phone it in.
I mean, if they were more
like the competition cheerleaders
that actually did gymnastics
and had real skills
and smiled so wide
that they looked psychotic,
I'd totally be into it.
- Okay, fine, you have a point.
- I definitely have a point.
Every time we have an argument, I'm right.
So the sooner you accept that,
the better our relationship will be.
- Okay. Kiss and make up.
- Yeah.
Aww, you guys are the cutest couple.
Mmm, I think so.
If only Elliot were straight.
- Shut up.
- Or bi...
Or poly.
Then at least I'd have a chance.
What's "poly"?
It's some new thing kids at our school
are experimenting with.
Everyone except this one.
But, alas...
Sorry, wrong room.
Don't be silly.
- Come join us, kind knave.
- No, no, really, I...
Oh, hush. Oh, hush, hush, hush, hush.
We're gonna play Sound Ball.
Sweet, gentle Jesus.
You guys live together?
Uh, yeah, my dad sort of flipped
about the whole gay thing, so...
Oh, shit.
Oh, yeah, I mean, it wasn't a surprise.
He's kind of a redneck.
Plus, I posted a coming out video
on YouTube,
which did not help my case.
Did he kick you out?
It was a mutual decision.
Besides, I graduated, so...
Time for me to spread my wings, right?
And lucky for me, Gretchen has, like,
the coolest parents known to man.
Elliot can cook,
so we're totally keeping him.
And last week, he made this...
kick-ass osso buco.
I'm not even sure I know what that is.
It's really fucking good.
Oh. Oh, God, no. Please, no.
No, no.
Remember me, bitch?
I'm sorry.
God, he's good.
I don't know him. Was he in Pippin?
So, mister fancy class president Alex,
What are your craziest hopes and dreams?
Oh, I don't know how crazy they are.
Go to Columbia next year,
major in Marine Biology,
get married at some point, have kids.
Maybe move out west to...
Seattle, Arizona...
You've got the whole thing all mapped out.
Yeah. What can I say? I'm a planner.
Eat us.
Eat us.
Delicious worms.
National Geographic photographer.
Crazy hopes and dreams.
I guess.
I tell people marine biologist because...
because it sounds lucrative, but...
really, I just want to take pictures
of animals.
It's pretty nerdy, I guess.
- Okay, what's your favorite animal?
- Proboscis monkey.
- They live in the mango groves of Borneo.
- Wow.
- Yep.
- That's intense.
- Yes. Sorry, I'm a little obsessed.
- That's okay.
I like a guy with strong opinions.
There you are!
You little stoner.
Guys, meet my friend, Claire.
I am his lover.
We do dirty things together.
Okay, little miss Chatty Cathy.
Sorry, was that TMI? I'm a little buzzed.
It's okay. We totally support
passionate love making.
- Oh, actually, we have not...
- Okay, I think we should go.
Yeah, let's go. Let's go home.
- We should get you home.
- Oh, I'm feeling a little...
- Let me get you home.
- Bye.
Alex, it was nice to meet you.
Yeah, nice to meet you.
Get away from here!
Okay. Where are we going?
- You're sexy.
- You're sexy.
A sexy...
sex man.
Screw the hotel, let's just do it here.
What? I don't know.
- Get in the tub, bitch!
- Okay.
Are you serious?
- Is this the right atmosphere for...
- Shh.
- Oh, hello, Dell.
- Hey, Dell.
Hey, you don't look so good, man.
You feeling okay?
When I see your face
There's not a thing
That I would change
It's strangely beautiful.
I want to go home.
I'm sorry.
I did not mean to get so drunk.
That's okay.
You're pretty.
Even when you're shit-faced.
Thank you for washing
the gummy-puke off of me.
You're welcome.Thanks for letting me
borrow your sweatshirt.
can't wait to have sex with you.
Me too.
Mmm. Come here.
Is Dell okay?
Yeah, he's just lying in the flower bed.
I think it's the best place for him
right now.
- Who are you texting?
- Oh.
You startled me.
How you feeling, party girl?
You okay?
Better than him, at least.
Who are you texting?
I'm texting that guy Elliot
from the party last night.
We were hanging out in the bedroom.
- The gay kid?
- Yeah.
He's going to this show in Brooklyn,
and has an extra ticket, so...
You know?
Look at you, hipster man.
You can come if you want,
but I think he only has one ticket.
I think I've got to lay low today.
But you guys...
rock it out.
And I can tell
When you get nervous
You think being yourself
Means being unworthy
And it's hard to love
With a heart that's hurting
But if you want to go out dancing
I know a place
I know a place we can go
Where everyone
Gonna lay down their weapon
Lay down their weapon
Just give me trust
And watch what'll happen
'Cause I know
I know a place we can run
Where everyone
Gonna lay down their weapon
Lay down their weapon
Don't you be afraid
Of love and affection
Just lay down your weapon
Lay down your weapon
- Dude, and that haircut? It was legendary.
- Amazing.
And the guitarist girl,
when she was playing
with her hair in her face.
- She was flipping it away.
- No fucks given.
- I've never been to a concert like that.
- Dude, I'm so glad you liked it!
Hey, I've got to say,
I'm glad Gretchen bailed on you tonight.
It was fun.
Actually, I have a confession.
Gretchen was never coming. I said that
'cause I didn't want it to sound weird
- that I invited you out of the blue.
- Oh.
Very sneaky.
So why did you just invite me
out of the blue?
I don't know.
Maybe I like the fact that you're obsessed
with that penis-faced monkey.
It's not penis-faced.
Alex, I looked it up.
- That thing has a cock nose.
- What? No. That's ridiculous.
The real question is,
what does that say about you?
I like other animals too, you know.
I like the octopus.
Excuse me? That's like a penis
eight different times.
It's like an entire creature
made of penises.
- It's like an "octo-cock."
- Maybe you just like reading into things.
So, I have a girlfriend.
I know.
I met her. She's adorable.
She is.She is.
Are you in love?
- Yeah?
- Yeah. Definitely.
Have you guys, uh...?
That's not... That's private.
Come on, whatm are you a Mormon?
- No.
- Okay. So?
Well, if you...
- If you must know, we haven't quite...
- I knew it.
But we're going to.
I booked a hotel room next week, so...
Yeah, something like that.
- Yeah.
- You're not nervous at all? Like, at all?
I'm freaking stoked.
I'm totally, totally stoked and thrilled.
I can't wait.
I wish it was happening tonight.
I don't believe you.
All right, well,
perhaps I am a little bit...
- terrified of the whole thing.
- Yeah.
- Thought so.
- I...
I know I'm not like mister alpha male guy.
I'm listening.
I love Claire.
I really do.
- Yeah, but do you want to rock her body?
- Yes. I would like to.
I would very much like to rock her body.
Okay, then go forth and conquer.
Just here's the thing.
I'm a virgin.
What? No.
But Claire isn't. None of them are.
What do you mean? Are you saying
no girls in high school are virgins?
No. I'm saying that girls know their shit.
You know, they have websites
dedicated to their vaginas.
They Snapchat their bazongas
with their friends.
They shoot gnarly sex videos
with their boyfriends,
and then post them online.
They watch Game of Thrones.
Okay, you might have a point.
I'm just... I'm worried
that I'm not gonna measure up.
What? Dude, Alex, you can't worry
about that stuff.
I do, I worry about that kind of stuff
all the time.
You know, what if I'm not as good
as her last boyfriend?
Or what if I can't find the, um...
You know, the frigging...
- The little...
- Clitoris.
The clitoris. Yes.
See, I can't remember the name of it.
You know, I'm like totally
not an expert on this, um,
but I've found that...
when you are in the moment,
things just fall into place,
and it just happens.
You shouldn't worry so much, Alex.
Yeah, I've heard that before.
So, wait, you've slept with girls?
I tried. It never really worked out.
Right. But you said everything
just fell into place.
Yeah, with guys.
I mean, that's how I knew I was gay.
Right. But how did you... how did you,
like, know you were gay,
and not bi or something like that?
How do you know you're straight?
I don't know. I guess I just knew.
I guess.
You guess?
Yeah. I don't know.
You're a dork.
- I'm not a dork.
- Yes, you are.
A dork is what you call a whale's penis.
That's the term for it.
And the shitty thing is,
guys like my dad,
they're giving Jesus a bad name, okay?
Because from all that I know,
Jesus was amazing.
I mean, I don't know,
he helped out the poor and sick, okay,
he loves you unconditionally...
I just think all those kids
with their WWJD wristbands
need to ask themselves,
"What would Jesus actually do?"
Call me a "faggot loser"?
Did your dad call you that?
It's not really worth getting into.
What I don't get is...
how do you know
if you're like a good person?
I feel like if you're asking yourself
that question,
you're probably a good person.
At least you're trying.
You're a smart kid, Alex.
Mm-hmm. 3.94 GPA.
I don't mean like that, you nerd.
I mean, like...
that you're insightful.
I don't know.
Most of the time
I just feel like I'm confused.
Maybe you think I'm insightful
because you're special.
- Special Ed
- Rude.
Ooh, cat-like reflexes.
- That was good.
- Oh!
You're strong.
All right, you win, you win.
Well, um...
I guess, like, I should be...
"on the road," as they say.
As who says? Willie Nelson?
Yeah, Willie Nelson.
That was really great.
Shhh. Shh.
Don't ruin the song.
Now your sad eyes reveal
Just how badly you feel
'Cause there is no
Easy way down
The view from the cliffs
Must have been exciting
And up to the peaks...
I want you to know something.
You were bound
There's a girl on your front porch.
Wow. That would be...
- That would be Claire.
- I thought so.
- She just came out of your house.
- Gee. This is...
This is...
It was a pleasure hanging out with you.
Yes. Nice doing business with you.
Perhaps we can hang out again.
Perhaps we could.Perhaps we could.
- Thank you for the ride.
- Yeah, sure.
- Uh, text me...
- Bye-bye.
...some time.
Jesus, how long you been out here?
Not long.
- Did you guys have fun?
- Uh, yeah, it was fine.
You were gone a long time.
- Yeah, we got some food after the show.
- How romantic.
- Not really.
- Did you guys make out?
What? No?
Why would you say that?
Calm down, I was joking.
I like you. I like girls.
I want to sleep with girls,
you in particular.
That's a relief.
Geez, I can't wait to sleep with you.
What is your problem?
Nothing, but it's midnight and you show up
here like this crazy stalker person.
Excuse me?
I can't have one night to myself?
I don't know what your deal is,
but you're acting like an asshole,
so I'm gonna go.
- Claire...
- And just for the record,
I was with my mom at the hospital tonight.
She's okay, but I got really depressed
hanging out there,
so I thought I'd come here.
Big mistake.
You know, it's not always about you, Alex.
Hi, interweb.
No new episodes
of Savage Kingdom High today.
In fact...
I'm alone, because...
frankly, my counterpart
is on my shit list.
Can someone please explain
modern high school boys to me?
They are so...
and high-strung, and selfish,
and just like rude.
My mom made me watch this old movie
the other day,Sixteen Candles,
and in it, themain girl
is in love with a senior, Jake.
And Jake is hot. Like hot, hot.
And he's kind of a tool, but he's...
sweet and dumb,
and I'm like, "Yes, that is what I want.
I want a Jake."
I mean, Alex is...
straight A's, class president,
pretty decent dresser,
like perfect boyfriend on paper,
but he is more high-maintenance
than all of my girlfriends put together.
And it's not like he...
Oh my God, Mom.
Sorry, I just...
I may not be the best person
for relationship advice.
Clearly, your father would agree.
But my sense is
that Alex is a pretty decent guy.
It's just, sometimes he acts like...
he's stuck in a marriage.
You know?
Like I'm constricting him,
and all he wants to do is hang out
with his dumbass friends.
Sounds like a teenage boy to me.
Teenage boys suck.
That they do.
But so do college boys
and middle-aged men.
Old guys are okay, I guess,
except for the...
cranky, racist ones.
Maybe I should become a lesbian.
Believe me, I've thought about it.
So, what do I do?
Just forgive Alex for being a dick
and move on?
Or you could stay mad.
But what I do know is...
we're not gonna be on this earth forever.
being angry is an exhausting way
to spend your day.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Oh, I heard what you were saying
about Jake in Sixteen Candles.
You'd be bored with a Jake.
You're too smart.
Gay Flakes.
Heter O's. Gay Flakes.
I'm bisexual.
- Say what?
- I'm bisexual. I think I'm bisexual.
- No, you're not.
- What?
You're panicking, dude.
You're wigging out about the hotel,
and you're trying to come up
with an excuse to cancel it.
No, I'm just taking advantage
of all the options available.
Do you listen to Panic! at the Disco
while jerking off to pictures of vampires?
What? No.
Then you're not bisexual.
It's just that there's this guy...
who I'm pretty sure has a crush on me,
and I guess I'm not...
- repulsed by the idea.
- Hm.
I see.
What are you doing?
Where are you going?
What are you doing?
- Aah!
- Oh, Jesus, dude.
- Is this what you want, Alex?
- No, not at all!
Oh, really? That's not what I was
hearing a minute ago.
You say you're into cock?
Well, here you go.
The finest specimen at Buchanan High.
Oh, pay this no mind, ladies.
I'm just proving a little point
to your student body president.
I'm not interested in your junk.
Put it away.
Oh, but I thought you were bi.
I'm not interested in your junk.
Your junk.
- Zip it up.
- I am.
See my point, Truelove?
How am I to believe
you're into slurping on nutsack,
when you won't look at mine?
- I'm not into slurping on nutsack.
- Right.
You know why?
Because nutsacks aren't sexy.
Look, it's a confusing time, man.
I mean, everywhere you look,
someone's omnisexual, or...
polyamorous, or gender queer,
or transitioning into God knows what.
And before you know it,
you turn into Sidney.
Hey, Sidney.
Are you into vagina or dick?
I'm attracted to the person.
Whatever the fuck that means.
Sorry, Sydney. I'm sorry.
It's like Mad Max out here.
You know, guys doing guys,
girls doing girls...
not that I object to that.
Girls turning into guys and doing girls
that used to do girls and guys. Aah!
Isn't anyone just plain straight anymore?
Which brings us to you, Alex.
I have a diagnosis.
Geez, I can't wait.
What you have is a man crush on a guy.
And the guy just happens to be gay.
That's how it is.
A man crush on a gay guy.
- Yeah.
- I never really thought of it like that.
And that man crush,
mixed with your epic neurosis
about fucking your girlfriend
for the first time
is making you say crazy shit,
like you're bi.
Yeah, yeah, you could be right.
- Of course I'm right.
- Sure.
Hey, Helen.
- How are you?
- Great.
She's upstairs,
and she's not a happy camper,
don't act like a dumbass.
Roger that.
Do you want to edit the platypus video?
I have to take my mom to an appointment.
Why are you so cool?
I'm serious.
You're a rockstar.
I don't know what I'd do
if my parents were that sick.
Probably not take themfor granted
so much.
Yeah, you would.
I still take my mom for granted
all the time.
I still make her deal
with my stupid teenage drama.
Yeah, you're the worst.
You suck.
Maybe this whole hotel idea is stupid.
I mean...
I just don't want you to feel
any pressure whatsoever
to do something you're not ready to do.
Thank you,
but I want to do this.
I'm ready.
Okay, me too.
In fact...
I may talk dirty.
Well, then, I can't wait.
You're so stupid.
- Alex?
- Hey.
Elliot, hey.
- How's it going?
- Great, great.
Just browsing, you know.
Just sort of, um...
You know, uh, getting ideas.
Just checking it out.
Just seeing what options I have.
So, tonight's the night?
No, no, no, no, no, um...
Tomorrow night, so, yeah.
- Extra large?
- Yeah.
Wow, um...
Yeah, maybe a little bit optimistic...
on that one.
Why don't you dance with me?
Where are we going?
You're so goal-oriented.
Why don't you dance with me?
This is crazy. Who is this?
You're joking, right?
Okay, now you are coming to my house,
whether you like it or not.
What? Who is it?
Just a limber girl
Dance this mess around
Round, round, round, round
Everybody goes to parties
They dance this mess around
They do all sixteen dances
They do the Shu ga loo
Do the Shy Tuna
Do the Camel Walk
Do the Hip O Crit
Oh, hippy, hippy, forward hippy
Hippy, hippy, hippy, hippy shake
Oh, it's time to do 'em right
So don't that make you feel
A whole lot better, huh?
I say, don't that make you feel
A lot better?
What you say?
Well, I'm just askin'
Come here.
Over there?
Yeah, over here.
Do you want to come
like a little bit closer?
You know, I was thinking about
that monkey of yours...
Oh, Jesus.
- Wow. Uh, that was a nice surprise.
- What am I doing? Why did I do that?
- I'm really sorry.
- Don't apologize.
I should go. I'm gonna go.
- Hey, Alex, just calm down for one minute.
- Calm down?
I have a girlfriend,
who I am supposed tobe
losing my virginity to
in approximately 29 hours.
Wow, this is so not part of the game plan.
Sometimes you need to alter the game plan.
Look, if I led you on or something,
I'm really sorry.
Wait. No, no, no, you kissed me.
Yeah, like you didn't want me to?
"Ooh, Alex, let's go for a drive.
Oh, Alex, why don't you come to my room,
and I'll do a gay B-52's dance for you.
Oh, Alex, why don't you come
and sit on my bed?"
- Where you kissed me.
- Yeah.
I gave you what you wanted.
You are one confused kid, you know that?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
What? Alex.
You hear from Columbia yet?
No, you'll be the first to hear when I do.
I still think
you could have gotten into Yale.
Class President, for God's sake.
- Seems silly you didn't even apply.
- Yeah, well, I didn't.
Seems like the only way to guarantee
you won't get in is by not applying.
- I'm just saying...
- Mm-hmm. Okay.
- You're shooting yourself in the foot.
- Thanks, Dad, that's super helpful.
Hey. Watch the attitude.
Why don't you get off my back?
- What is going on?
- Nothing?
I just... I have
a really big test tomorrow.
In Physics?
Yeah. Physics.
Well, I'm sure you're going to ace it.
- Something's wrong.
- No, nothing's wrong, dude.
- She's been in there forever.
- She's been five minutes.
Oh, here she comes, here she comes.
Okay? So?
- You're all set, you little lovebirds.
- Thank God.
It's room 231.
Checkout is tomorrow at 11:00 a.m.
Just make sure to clean up your mess.
Shut the fuck up, fucktard.
No one thinks you're fucking funny.
Who asked you, Princess Scabies?
Watch your mouth, cum weasel.
I left a meeting for this. You're welcome.
- Whore's Anonymous?
- Suck my anus.
As much as I love gonorrhea...
Okay, I think we're gonna go.
Oh, my God, Claire,
it was a pleasure meeting you.
Yes, it was.
And Alex, break your legs.
Good luck, my friend.
Now drive me home, woman.
Not bad.
Not bad.
Show me what you're capable of
Show me what you're capable of
Is it love?
Is it love?
Holy crap.
Sexy, that's what.
I'm glad you approve.
Yeah, yeah, let's get under the covers.
What's this?
A little bubbly refresher
that I swiped from my parents house.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
You're so beautiful.
You're not too bad, yourself.
Oh, baby.
Touch my balls.
Did you just say "touch my balls?"
Yeah, so?
- I'm sorry.
- I was talking dirty.
I know, I know. It was adorable.
It's not supposed to be,
it's supposed to be sexy.
I know, I'm sorry. I've just...
- I've never heard you talk dirty before.
- Well...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Do you...
want me to touch your balls now?
Never mind.
It's not sexy when you say it like that.
Mmm. I'll play with your balls.
I'll also suck your cock.
Oh, okay.
Okay, this ain't so bad.
- What did you say?
- Uh, nothing, nothing.
Okay, let's do it, let's do it.
- You ready?
- Yeah.
- You have a condom?
- Yeah.
Hang on a second.
Hold on, hold on.
Oh, no, that doesn't sound good.
I might need a second.
That's okay.
The condoms are...
Hey, in the meantime...
why don't I do
a little something-something-something?
- Is that in the right general area?
- Yeah.
Yeah, right there.
- Oh, ah-ha! That wasn't so hard to find.
- Yeah.
- Okay, stop talking, Alex.
- Don't know why everybody...
- How about if I speed it up a little?
- Don't talk, just do it.
- I want you inside of me.
- Okay.
- Are you ready?
- Yeah.
Semi-ready, if that makes sense.
- Yeah, let me help.
- Okay.
Okay, I'm ready.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Let's do it.
We are officially having sex.
Yes. Stop talking.
Kind of weird, huh?
It's kind of weird having sex
with your best friend.
Why is it weird?
No, it's not weird.
It's just... I just meant
we were friends before, and...
Now we're dating.
- What's weird about it?
- Nothing.
Nothing, it's not weird.
It's a...
It's a poor choice of words.
Let's just keep going.
You know what? Forget about it.
What's going on?
What do you mean?
You don't seem into this
and I want to know why.
I am into this. I just...
- What?
- We just...
Are you not feeling well?
Are you nervous?
- Are you gay?
- Oh.
The gay card. Nice.
Why is that
the automatic assumption when...?
When you're not into havin sex
with your girlfriend?
Gee, I don't know.
I want to have sex with you.
- You could have fooled me.
- Okay. Fine.
I'm gay. I'm a big gay homo
because I'm smart
and I'm a little neurotic and...
And you don't want to have sex
with your girlfriend.
Why are you so obsessed with sex?
Why is everyone so obsessed with sex?
Have you ever stopped to think
that maybe I like someone else?
No, I...
never stopped to think that.
That came out wrong.
Who is it?
I can't tell you.
You have to leave.
- Claire, please.
- Please go.
- Should I just pick...
- Get out of here, Alex!
I don't want to bug you, but, um...
you got a letter from Columbia.
Can I be alone, please?
Mr. President.
Mr. President.
Yay or nay to classic streamers for prom?
- Yo.
- Yo.
Hey. What?
Hey, giving me the silent treatment?
So what?
Come on. Don't play dumb, dude.
I think we broke up, actually, so...
- Whoa.
- I'm fucking over it, Dell.
The whole thing.
Fuck sex, fuck love, fuck it all.
I'm... I'm out.
Lost and separated from the herd,
it is just a matter of time
before the baby elephant
dies of starvation.
Whoa, whoa!
So, your brilliant plan
was to stage a home invasion,
with monkey masks,
kidnap me and take me to a frat party?
I advised against the monkey masks.
What? I love the monkey mask.
I figured a little monkey mask action
would shake you
out of your funk, Truelove.
Never thought you'd go all Liam Neeson
and smash my face in.
Wow, jeez, I guess your foolproof plan
had a flaw in it.
What else were we supposed to do?
You never would have come
if we'd just asked you.
- I'm still not gonna come.
- Goddammit, Alex.
Let me give it to you straight.
You are so far up your own ass,
and it's fucking depressing.
Excuse me?
You're coming with us to this party,
which has booze and slutty girls and...
Booze and slutty girls.
And you're gonna let your little
constipated hair down and enjoy yourself.
In case you forgot, Dell,
I just broke up with my girlfriend.
Okay? So I'm sorry
if I'm not in the "Let's party" mood,
and honestly, I'm really, really sick
and tired of this,
"Let's get you laid, Alex" routine.
I'm not into it.
Whoa, who said anything
about getting you laid, Truelove?
Clearly, that's impossible.
In fact, I never want to hear
about yourflaccid
little micropenis ever again.
I don't give a shit if you get laid
or if you don't get laid,
or if you're bisexual, asexual, pansexual,
or if you join fucking NAMBLA.
And as for Claire,
I'm sorry you broke up.
But it was kind of inevitable.
What do you mean?
Everyone breaks up
when they go to college.
You guys just got a head start on things.
I'm sorry to be harsh, dude,
but... but it's the truth, all right?
And... and you know what?
Fuck it.
Right now, the only thing
we should be giving a shit about
is like having fun before we all go
off to college and forget...
that this is actually
a really great time in our lives.
So, sack up, Truelove,
and meet us out in the car in three.
He has a point.
Right, Josh?
Poor little elephant.
Fuck this noise.
We've wasted enough time
on that granny turd.
I'm in.
Get in the car before I kick your dick in.
Now that I'm thinking about it,
Claire has been holding me back.
I can't be with one girl for the rest
of my senior year.
I should be playing the field
with the ladies, plural.
Know what I'm talking about?
Get some notches on the bedpost.
Bust some nut.
- Yeah, let out some population paste.
- Yeah.
Have a cream dream, baby.
Yeah, get some bitches pregnant.
- Sorry, I was trying something out.
- It's okay.
Oh, my God,
it's the whole nutsack brigade.
Alex, how was
your little hotel fuck festival?
- It could not have gone better.
- Actually, Claire and I broke up.
And now, I'm looking for sluts.
You know of any?
Do I look like your regional pimp?
More like an employee.
Delbert, I'm choking on the vomit
of your hilarity.
- Oh, they have clinics for that, actually.
- Will you guys get a room?
Now I'm choking on vomit.
Let's party!
Oh, yeah!
Come, on baby, come on.
You're sexy.
You are sexy.
You're a sexy little sex kitten.
What are you, like, 12?
No, I am of the legal sex age
in the state.
I looked it up.
Oh, yeah?
You want to see what's upstairs?
Fuck yeah.
Frankly, I don't even know why
we bother with high school boys.
I, personally, haven't touched one
since freshman year.
I mean, sure, Alex is maybe smarter
than the average boy,
but he's still just as useless.
I don't get it.
I mean, Alex has always been
weird and shy about sex,
but I never got any sense
that he was interested in anyone else.
Well, something's definitely going on.
We could stalk him.
No question, dolphin. I'd fuck a dolphin.
I'd fuck a unicorn.
No way, it can't be imaginary.
- Why not?
- Why not?
Because then I'd fuck Arwen
from Lord of the Rings.
Dude, Arwen's an elf, not an animal.
Yeah, you fucking idiot.
I thought you guys
were gonna try to meet girls.
- We are.
- It's fine, we are.
Yeah, we're just pumping each other up.
You're killing it.
We met so many girls before this.
There were a bunch of them here...
Holy shit.
Miss Sophie Hicks.
I'd fuck a cute little
fucking furry panda bear.
I can't wait either.
I feel like
we really haven't talked in ages.
See you soon, Delbert.
They're at a frat party on Mickley Avenue.
You're... you're sexy.
I like touching your face.
Can you take your shirt off, please?
Whoa! Look at those honkers.
- Honkers?
- Yeah.
Or what, do you prefer "hooters"
or just good old-fashioned "tits"?
You're funny.
You are chewing gum.
Yeah. You want some?
I'm okay.
It's lost it's flavor a little bit,
but that's okay.
I want you to fuck me.
Can do.
Oh, yeah? Do you have a condom?
Yeah, I do. Yeah, in my pants.
- Get it.
- Okay, yeah. Sure.
Don't overthink this.
Would Dell overthink this?
No, Dell would say...
Slurp my nutsack.
Shut up, Dell.
- Huh?
- Nothing. Found it.
She'd better be hot
She'd better be
the Mother of fucking Dragons.
Claire, this is Alex we're talking about.
He and Dell are probably standing
by themselves in a corner,
talking about which Lord of the Rings
character they'd want to have sex with.
So, I'm all, "Fine, bitch,
go and fuck any dude here.
I don't give a shit."
And she's all, "Fuck you, I'm going home."
And I'm all, "Adios, slut."
You know what, bro?
I really do love her.
Hey, Dell.
Wow, you made it.
Oh, Claire Bear. Hey.
Sophie told me
this is where the action is tonight.
Funny, did she?
Sophie did not mention you'd be coming.
Where's Alex?
Man, that's a...
that's a really good question.
I don't really...
No, Claire, I've got to tell you,
I think he's really drunk...
I should go help her look.
See you, Dell.
Right. See you.
- Oh, fuck me, baby.
- I know.
- Oh, fuck me hard.
- I know, I'm trying.
- Fuck me!
- Okay, here I go.
Hang on a sec.
Oh, come on, mister class president.
Just a sec. I'm trying.
- Maybe you're getting shy?
- No.
- It's okay.
- No, it's not okay!
You are a hot, sexy chick,
and I'm gonna ejaculate my erect penis
inside your wet vagina if it kills me.
- Excuse me?
- Okay, here we go.
Come on, little penis.
Get in there.
- Hey!
- Come on, little guy.
Jesus, get off me, you creepy weirdo!
Ever heard of knocking, bitch?
Shut the door, this isn't a fucking show.
Claire, wait!
- Dakota?
- You guys know each other?
You said you were going home.
Yeah, well, I decided to take
a little detour, fuck stick.
Well, obviously you guys have
some problems to work out. So...
- What'd you do to my girl, piece of shit?
- Not much.
Yeah, she's right,
I could barely get it up, so no big deal.
Wait, I'm naked!
Hey, guys.
- Get out of my way.
- Dakota, stop!
Hey, douchebag.
You want him,
you've got to get through me first.
I'm sorry, Dell. Thank you so much.
You see them jump, babe?
I'm the shit.
You're so hot, babe.
No, babe, you're hot as fuck.
A Guyana banana leaf toad?
What happened?
What do you care?
- Have you seen Claire?
- No.
And if I did see Claire,
why would I tell you?
You're an evil person, Sophie Hicks.
Evil, evil, evil.
- Oh, I'm evil?
- Yes.
Because I helped my best friend
find her bastard boyfriend?
No. No, you're evil
because you tricked me.
You know
that I've liked you since... forever.
And I know that I'm just a joke to you,
okay? I'm not an idiot.
Girls like you havethis ultimate power
over guys like me.
But it doesn't give you the right
to fuck with my feelings.
It's not cool, Sophie.
- You're right.
- It's not cool.
- I'm sorry, Dell.
- Not cool.
Hey, uh...
I want to show you something.
Oh, you... you kept those.
Of course I did.
I mean, I think they're
the most adorable thing I've ever seen.
I could send you updated versions.
- Let's take it one step at a time.
- Okay.
- Sound good?
- Sounds good.
That's Josh's frog.
That's Josh's frog.
Come here.Come here.
No, no, no, no...
Don't jump.
Oh God.
Dude. Oh, my God.
- Alex has a boner.
- Oh, my gosh.
Why do you have a boner, Alex?
I, I... No, I don't.
Are you a fag?
No, I'm not...
Alex has a boner. He's a fag.
Oh, my gosh, yeah.
Where you going, Alex?
Are you gonna cry?
Just let me go!
Oh, he's gonna cry, he's gonna cry.
Jesus, what happened to you?
Oh, you know.
Just went for a little swim.
Are you okay?
I'm gay.
I'm gay.
You called it.
I'm gay.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
Are you okay?
Hey, honey.
Did you have fun?
I got you.
Let it out.
The person you like...
It's a boy?
That kid Elliot?
And, um...
Did you just...
figure all this out?
I guess it's always been there. I just...
had to be honest with myself.
I just couldn't ignore it anymore.
Maybe you're just going through a phase.
No, I thought of that.
But, you know,
I thought I'd grow out of it, and...
thought I'd get over it.
You know...
I thought I'd meet the right girl.
But, uh...
You know, I met the right girl.
Alex, don't people know
who they're attracted to?
I mean...
isn't it just obvious?
It's different when...
When you're gay?
No, it isn't.
My cousin just came out and she's 12.
What are you so scared of?
Losing you.
I love you.
I'm sorry I was such a shitty boyfriend.
No, you're the...
best gay boyfriend a girl could have.
That's funny.
You still want to go to prom with me?
Science and reason will tell us so
The blood in our veins
Are just chemicals
Better believe
I keep my demons to myself
Better believe it's getting harder
Wow, Alex, not bad for a gay guy.
You look beautiful.
I do, don't I?
All right, let's fuck this shit up.
Abbie Chevalier already puked
in the picture line.
- I licked the frog.
- He licked the frog.
Dude, tonight?
Yeah, only a little. I mean, just the tip.
It still counts.
- I will be right back.
- Where you going? Where you going?
Secret mission.
I don't get chicks, man.
Secret mission? What the fuck?
Don't pretend like you don't know, Sophie.
I know you know.
I'll never tell, Delgado.
Hey, stranger.
- Hey.
- I invited him.
I didn't think you'd mind.
No, no, I don't, but...
Look, guys, I knew you'd never do this
yourselves, so here I am...
just passing the baton.
I came here with you. You're my date.
I know, but Alex,
you've got to start sooner or later.
I think maybe this is a goodfor me too.
Do you want to dance or something?
No, go dance with your fella.
But save one for me later?
Yeah, yeah.
It's been a while.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I had to figure some stuff out.
You okay?
I'm sorry, I have to go to the bathroom.
How long till we learn
That dancing is dangerous?
How long till we learn...
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit...
- Should I not have come?
- No, it's not that.
Then what is it?
It's just...
Everyone's watching.
- Okay, you know what? I'm gonna go.
- No.
Where's Alex?
I don't know. I'm leaving.
What? Why?
And when you're in doubt
And when you're in danger
Take a look all around
And I'll be there
Look, Alex, I really don't...
I'm sorry but I'm just thinking
Of the right words to say
I promise
I know they don't sound the way
I planned them to be
I promise
But if you wait around the world
I'll make you fall for me
- I promise
- I promise
I promise you I will
When your day is through
And so is your temper
You know what to do
I'm gonna always be there
Sometimes if I shout
It's not what's intended
These words just come out
With no regret to bear
I'm sorry but I'm just thinking
Of the right words to say
Hey, everyone.
Uh, welcome to a very special episode
of Savage Kingdom High.
I'm Alex,
and with me, as always, of course,
is my partner in crime
and very best friend in the whole world.
Hello, interwebs.
And we are here to spin you a tale
of intrigue, drama...
and comedy.
Um, Claire, and I used to date.
Uh, today I'm gonna be sharing
my coming out experience.
I wasn't out in high school at all.
Uh, I dated a bunch of girls, very...
Uh, it all starts out
when I was about 13, 14, and...
I'm gay!
It feels so good to say that.
I think I was in denial
for most of my adolescence...
It's not that I want to be,
it's that I am.
I... I've been dating a guy.
This is Alex Truelove...
signing off.