Alex & The List (2018) Movie Script

[dogs panting]
[cell phone ringing]
[lively chattering]
You know, I think that...
- They asked me to, right?
- No.
You know?
The hill?
It's good you're late.
You're getting too thin.
Eat something.
Where is she?
I became completely gluten-free,
which for me was
a definite journey.
Wait, was this
because of an allergy?
Oh, no, no, nothing like that.
Oh, that's good.
I'd be so concerned.
There's a lot of food
that has gluten.
[blowing softly]
You're spectacular.
And you're sweaty.
- [dog barking]
- Stop it.
- Stop it.
- [dog continues barking]
Stop it!
Stop, stop, stop it!
Oh! Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
Sorry. Stop it.
- Oh!
- [conversations stop]
He's brilliant with dogs.
He coaches them professionally.
May I?
- Oh, my.
- Here we go.
- [whimpering]
- There we go.
[guests] Aw.
All right. You see, she...
She thinks my shoe hitting
the floor is an act of God.
Now she associates that
unpleasant noise with barking.
- [whimpers]
- She's actually really sweet.
No one has ever called
my dog sweet.
- [chuckles]
- You must be Alex.
Uh, you must be Victoria.
- [Victoria] Yes.
- [growling]
[stifled sneezing]
[clears throat]
Are you all right?
Yeah, just a little allergic.
I'll be fine.
You are going to come with me.
I'm going to show you off.
- [sneezing]
- [Victoria] Hello, everybody.
Really see it. Picture it.
Picture a coin.
Picture a coin.
There we go.
What would be really great...
is if it were something...
[woman gasps]
...that I could give
to my lady.
- [man] Oh!
- [laughing]
You know, I'm starting
to like your, uh,
bizarre, insane...
sometimes pretentious friends.
Well, you know,
there's some very talented,
powerful people here.
- Yeah?
- [chuckles]
There he is. Hey, buddy.
- [Alex chuckles]
- How you doing?
Dave, what a sight?
Oh. Uh-huh.
Oh. Hey.
This is a great party, really.
- Okay. Thank you.
- [woman laughing]
You do realize that
he presses up against me,
he rubs back and forth, pressing
his chest into my boobs, right?
He-He's just really excited
to see you.
I'll talk to him. Again.
Hmm. I'm getting myself
another martini.
Anyone want anything?
A Sapphire and tonic.
Alex, how about a real drink?
Are you fine with your
non-alcoholic gay cranberry thing?
It's not gay.
When one person doesn't drink,
it's such a buzzkill.
It brings everyone down.
[whispering indistinctly]
- Hmm.
- Okay.
I look like a piece of shit
next to her.
No, you don't.
I do.
Was I charming and likable?
I think I am in love with her.
That's huge. You hate women.
True. I come from a long line
of women-haters.
My grandmother
didn't like women,
my mother didn't, and I don't.
But Katherine,
I mean, she has
a beautiful voice,
a nice laugh,
no irritating quirks,
and a good enough personality.
She's perfect, right?
And I love that
she doesn't despise me
like your other girlfriends.
Remember Robyn?
I will never forget her.
She looked at me with that
homicidal glare in her eye.
Yeah. She was a great cook.
She was.
Well, I mean,
why isn't Katherine
with one of these
handsome, wealthy guys then?
Because she doesn't want
the good-looking studs.
She wants you.
She loves your old-fashioned
sense of chivalry.
You're a gentleman.
All right.
- Check this out.
- Hmm?
Oh, my God. Alex.
It's stunning.
It's my grandmother's.
When are you gonna
give it to her?
[door opens]
What's going on in here?
Uh, um...
Michael's had
too much to drink.
They have to do this shot
exactly at nine o'clock, so...
[clears throat]
Yeah, I'm on another
IVF cycle.
- The seventh one.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, at least you have Nicky.
I know, but, um,
one is just not enough.
You'll see.
You know what?
Let me do it.
I bet I can do it better.
I bet she can.
I mean, I'm sure this is fun
for you in some way, but...
[Lily and Katherine laughing]
[clears throat]
All right.
Oh, you poor thing.
Make sure you blow on it.
[Katherine blowing]
Just stick it in.
[Lily groans]
I have to ask you, Lily.
How did you know
that Michael was the one?
That is a very good question.
And I think I know
where you're going.
I discovered when you have
to make a tough decision,
you do it from the heart.
I know, most people think
the heart is purely
an emotional organ,
but it's not.
It's actually quite cold
and unemotional.
It's logical,
but it knows what's best.
More than the brain sometimes.
You just... you have to know
what you want in a man.
You could even write it down.
He is not going to propose.
Yes, he is.
He's a child.
Hangs onto you
like you're his mommy.
Runs to you when there is
the slightest crisis.
I can see why you only
dated him three times.
Actually, it was four.
And he pretends Nicky's his son.
He's my boy.
He's lonely.
He doesn't have any family.
I know he doesn't.
And I want him to get there.
- Hmm. You smell good.
- Hmm.
You know Katherine's not gonna
put up with this.
Why do you?
Because I have... this.
You and Dave are so different.
Yeah. He's one of those friends
you inherit from childhood.
There for life.
I'm sorry.
I know he's crude.
But he looks out for me,
and I look out for him.
[chuckles softly]
[dog growling]
[toy squeaks]
Come here, buddy.
Come here.
Use it up, buddy.
Use it up.
Use it up.
[taps floor]
Good boy!
Good boy. Bring it here.
Bring it here, bud.
Good boy.
Remember Katherine's brother?
The weird guy.
He's getting married.
Maybe I could bring you.
Come on.
You ready to go to work?
[Alex] Does he ever
walk around like he's drunk?
Prolonged staring
where nothing distracts him?
Bang his head against the wall?
Does he eat his own feces?
Not that I'm aware of.
[dog whimpers]
Well, Gumball here,
he's experiencing anxiety.
- We're gonna find out why.
- [whimpers]
Take a deep breath.
We're just gonna go
in one smooth movement.
- All right.
- It's all good.
- Smooth.
- Smooth.
- Smooth.
- Smooth.
Smooth movements.
It's all good.
Just like...
Look, he's fine.
- Enzo's good. He's good.
- What if he bites me?
He's not gonna bite you. I promise you.
He's not gonna bite you.
- Okay.
- He's not gonna bite anybody.
- Promise?
- I promise you.
Let's do it.
Good boy.
Good boy.
Isn't that the one that bit you?
Sure is.
You never cease to amaze me.
Wanna grab an early bite?
Can't. I have a date.
- Can I come?
- [laughs]
I'm proposing
to Katherine tonight.
Oh. I hope she doesn't say no.
- I've never had anyone say yes.
- Hmm.
- [kids shouting]
- Sir!
You kid is playing
with your dog's shit.
You might want
to clean that up.
[dog barking]
[muted conversations]
- [slow jazz music playing]
- [waiter] Here's the appetizer menu that you wanted.
- Just let me know if you need anything.
- [man] Thank you.
[waiter] I recommend
the calamari.
So this dog...
Uh... Yeah, he, um...
Anyway, he's just... he's like
getting more and more anxious,
and I think he's gonna
have to go on
anxiety medicine
or something like that.
Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
- That's really serious.
Alex, you're the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
You take me seriously.
You listen to me.
You think I'm smart.
You make me laugh.
I thought about this.
Methodically. From my heart.
I wrote it down.
And what I'm trying to say is...
let's go the distance.
Oh, and don't take
any of this as criticism.
These are just
well-thought-out suggestions.
Think of them as observations.
Like, um, this first one.
Get teeth whitened.
Don't be embarrassed by it.
A lot of people have
this problem.
Yellow, dullish looking teeth.
It can make one look
a little older.
I get them done
every six months.
As you know.
This next one is very fun
and a no-brainer.
Upgrade wardrobe.
You've this great,
perfect body for clothes.
Let's show it off.
And I'm a soon-to-be designer.
Okay, three,
I'm very excited about.
Like sports.
I mean, come on,
let's be honest.
Gary did not quite turn out
to be the son my dad wanted.
I was the one who grew up
loving sports.
Loving sports.
Football, basketball, baseball.
Soon as I hear
Al Michaels' voice,
I go straight back
to those halcyon days
where my dad and I are
arguing and cussing,
and he's downing a whole bottle
of California Red
and throwing the remote
at the TV.
[laughing] I mean,
you are a sports guy.
Just you like the ones that
aren't on the major networks.
Like Snooker. Just,
you know, if you just try
to like the sports
that other people know about,
my dad...
will be yours for life.
And that's something we can do
together every Sunday night.
With my dad.
[jazz music continues]
And, Alex, really, if there is
anything you want me to change,
anything you want me to change,
I-I will do it.
I don't want you
to change a thing.
I really think we can have one of those
great relationships of all-time.
You know what would really be
the icing on the cake?
If we could finish this...
in time for Gary's wedding.
[chuckles nervously]
- [pounds table]
- You know what? That's perfect.
That's perfect.
You know why? Because
everybody's gonna be there.
All your friends,
your relatives,
your family members.
Everybody that's important
in your life.
No, I just... I want...
them to see the kind of couple
that we can be.
Yeah. No. Of course, that's...
what this thing is about.
Showing all of them,
all those important people
how great you are.
No, I'm sorry,
how great we are.
You know what?
Let's treat this like a game.
Right? Come on!
[cell phone ringing]
You remember that Russian girl
I was emailing a while back?
One who loves dogs?
[TV playing indistinctly]
[laptop chimes]
[woman with Russian accent]
Hello, my love, Alex.
You are ray of light
on my heart.
Yes, I give to you pardons
that long you not writes to me.
"You imagine dream today
"has dreamed me.
It was such bright and fine."
"I am at home.
"You enter my room,
and I feel your aroma."
"You cautiously place me
in a sofa
"to unbutton me.
"The dress and your soft hands
start to caress
my breasts softly."
Oh! "And our bodies
merge as a whole
"and you compress me
so strong.
"Then we start
to be borrowed love.
About as I would like that
this dream appeared the truth."
What the hell are you doing?
I thought you stopped
emailing the Russian
two weeks
after you met Katherine.
I did stop.
You were doing that
out of loneliness,
and you're not
the lonely guy anymore.
What's wrong with keeping
my options open?
Options? Uh, what are you
talking about?
She's a nurse from Ivanovka,
in the Kirov area.
That's interesting.
Wait a minute.
What happened?
Did she, um,
say anything as to how
she came up with this?
Uh, something about the heart
being smarter than the brain.
Oh my.
I mean,
this is really incredible.
I just didn't expect this.
I know. The audacity of it.
I mean, it's humiliating.
No. No, it's not humiliating.
It's actually quite brilliant.
It makes me sound like a loser.
Well, what she's saying is,
she wants to marry you.
Uh, no, no, no, no.
I don't... I don't see that
in any way at all.
No woman would give a guy
a list like this
unless she wanted to be with him
for the rest of her life.
And every woman has a list.
She just wrote it down.
Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.
That's my dad's root beer.
Oh, Michael's home.
Let's see what he thinks.
This ought to be good.
She expects Alex
to become a Jew?
People convert
all the time, Michael.
And Judaism is
a beautiful religion.
Why is number seven crossed out?
That's "Replace male friend
who is a bad influence."
You mean me? Fuck her.
- No, no. Dave.
- She means Dave.
We crossed it out,
so he's not gonna do that one.
"Get teeth whitened."
What about Alex's
lifelong dentist phobia.
That's no joke.
- [Michael] Very serious.
- We'll help him through it.
Look, Alex.
[Michael sighs]
If a woman gave me this list,
this is what I would say to her:
"You do know
if I make these changes,
"I won't love you anymore.
"I love you because
you love my faults.
"If I fix them,
"I'd have to raise my standards,
and you won't make the cut.
Now do you really want
to hand me that list?"
Wait a minute.
Men expect women to be perfect.
Like, all the time.
You expect us
to have perky tits,
firm asses, and perfectly
symmetrical facial features.
And then you expect us
to have your kids,
and then have our bodies
go back to looking great.
And we're not allowed to age.
Not a sag, not a wrinkle.
So do not tell me
Katherine did anything wrong.
How's he gonna pay
for this shit?
Well, remember the money
his parents left him.
This could be good
If you do Katherine's list,
you'll have leverage over her.
She'll owe you.
Oh, honey,
always so Machiavellian.
Alex, if you don't do this,
you'll regret it.
[Dave] And why is
number seven crossed out?
Uh, it's "Replace male friend
who's a bad influence."
You mean me?
Oh, fuck her.
No, no, no.
She means, uh, Michael.
Oh, okay.
Look, dude, Alex,
everybody has some weird shit.
I guarantee you she does.
Like what?
How about that
she gave you a list?
This is my life, okay?
I'm never gonna find
another girl like this.
Yes, that's one hundred
percent true.
[chair squeaking]
What's with
the plastic furniture, man?
It's inflatable.
I can pack this up
and be out of here
in ten minutes
if I have to be.
Look at the way we live.
This is so fucked up.
No, it's not.
Hey, we are youthful-ish.
We're allowed to be like this.
After 40, it's starts
to get pathetic,
but we're still okay.
[chair squeaking]
[Mrs. Stern]
Katherine's got an eye.
[Mr. Stern]
I have an eye.
I pick out my own underwear
and socks.
Don't need
to pay anyone for that.
You don't need to work.
Uh, do it as a hobby.
- I'm gonna be a designer.
- Ah.
You have a very
talented daughter, my dear.
Don't sell her short.
Do I have to work?
You're a man.
Honey, you're never gonna have
to worry about money.
But your... husband should
be able to support a family.
Do you think that idiot with
the dogs is gonna support you?
I mean, what kind
of profession is that?
What's next, elephants?
What about elephants?
[doorbell rings]
Alex is here.
Well, I-I'll let you two, um...
We had to pick Nicky up
from school and then...
Lily demanded to come so...
Well, they should come in.
No, they're fine.
Um, I just wanted
to talk to you.
I'm not gonna do your list.
I know.
I never should have asked you.
It's not fair.
No, no, it's not fair.
To expect you to do all those
things that I wrote down,
it's a lot.
Yeah, it is a lot.
Well, it's not. I mean...
I could do them.
I know. You could, very easily.
I believe in you.
Yeah, that's right.
I mean, I could probably do them
perfectly if I chose to.
Of course.
But I don't want to.
Hello, Alex.
Um, I just wanted to ask,
your friend and her son
are still out there.
Should I bring them
something to drink?
Oh, don't worry about it.
I'll go get them, Mom.
Uh... you didn't say
anything to Alex?
About what?
Our bedroom conversation.
I didn't say anything about you.
Look, just promise me,
you'll never tell him.
I'm not gonna tell him,
but you were the inspiration.
I would never have thought
to do that without you.
No, no, no.
I was not the inspiration.
I'm not the inspiration.
You wrote the list, okay?
I didn't tell you that part.
You don't have to worry
about it. He's not gonna do it.
He's not?
Because I kinda told him
that he should.
- You did? Really?
- Yes.
Shouldn't we get your son
out of the hot car?
Yes. Yeah. Yes.
[laughing] Oh, God.
That's a really good idea.
Oh. Okay.
This is so embarrassing.
I look like a rat.
I have Nicky set up
in front of the TV
in the den with a treat.
- Thank you.
- He's so darling.
Katherine showed him
her old room,
her stuffed animals.
So, Gary, you excited
about the big day?
What big day?
- Your wedding.
- He's thrilled.
Alex, do you have a minute?
Something to drink?
I'm having scotch.
No, I'm okay.
Are you?
Alex... [sighs]
Katherine showed me
the list.
And I want you to know
I wholeheartedly support
your choice not to do it.
Look around.
This is her world.
It's not yours.
She expects a lot.
Too much from men.
it's not her fault.
It's mine.
Let me help save you
from the pain
of trying to fit in
with all of this.
You're a dog guy.
That's fine.
We don't have any dogs.
We did seven IVFs
to get one kid,
and he never complained once.
Each time, he had
to sit in a little room
and jerk off to some 1980s porn
that other men
have jerked off to.
- [Lily chuckles]
- Jerking off.
Been there.
[both laugh]
And then he had to put
the cup in a paper bag
and walk it across the room
like a child carrying his lunch
and give it to his secretary.
- [Lily laughing]
- Paper bag.
[engine revving,
tires screeching]
What the hell was that?
This is gonna be
very interesting.
[opera playing on stereo]
- [keys jingle]
- [music stops]
Wow, that's a beauty!
- Thank you.
- Come on in.
[speaking Italian]
- [laughing]
- [Mr. Stern] Everyone,
may I introduce
Dr. Antonio Rosenblatt.
Best optometrist
on the West Side.
Yeah, my father is Jewish.
My, uh, mom is from Florenzia.
Well then, you're not
actually Jewish
'cause you're mother isn't.
No, no, I'm Jewish.
Who is this
beautiful little man?
He's mine.
I'm the mother.
[clears throat]
- Does he like cars?
- Oh!
Loves them.
Well then, we'll take you
for a ride later on then.
I would love that.
- And, uh, my daughter Katherine.
- Hey.
Oh, wow.
What? That's my thing.
I do the magic tricks.
[speaking Italian]
Do not show your hand,
okay, Alex?
Be strong.
That big, overly Italian guy
isnt' a threat.
[Alex] Not a threat? Come on.
Look at you.
You can't even help yourself.
Please, please take me for a
ride in your European car later.
- [Lily] Okay, stop.
- [Alex] Your penis must be gargantuan
just because you're Italian.
Suddenly, I don't care
about my husband and my child.
- Run away with me.
- Alex, stop.
Stop. There's just something
about Italians, okay.
- It's hard to explain.
- Oh God.
All women react like this.
I mean, look at him.
- [speaking Italian]
- [Lily] Oof!
[Lily] But it doesn't
really mean anything.
[indistinct conversations,
Good coffee goes a long way.
Katherine, I'm doing the list.
Well, my friend,
you have seven cavities,
receding gums...
- Ah!
- ...and cracked enamel.
I'm not even sure
I can save that one.
Also, your front incisors are
a bit rabbit-like.
- I'd like to file those down.
- [Lily snickers]
Teeth whitening comes last,
after all these
other procedures.
Uh, well, I appreciate
your concern
for the health of his teeth.
The reason we came here is
for the teeth whitening.
I'd like to discuss what kind
of white you'll be using.
Well, there are other shades
and intensities and...
different variations on white.
I-I'll show you.
I thought this might come
in handy.
See, um...
eggshell white might be
a nice one.
Yeah, no, that's really nice.
Uh, what about polar bear?
Mm, that might be
a bit too dingy.
How about something
a little closer to, ooh,
nebulous white.
Ooh, that...
that is a very nice
neutral white.
- Yeah, exactly.
- I think you're right.
- Polar bear.
- [chuckles]
Is it polar bear or nebulous?
- I think it's nebulous.
- Definitely nebulous.
[machine whirring]
[machine whirring]
You conquered a lifelong fear.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm so proud of you.
Definitely less, uh,
rabbit teeth.
It's outstanding.
Look, it's outstanding.
Outstanding, huh?
You don't need this.
Yeah, yeah, Oxycodone.
You definitely
don't need all these.
Yeah, I'll take a few.
- [door bumps]
- [Katherine] Oh God.
[Alex laughing]
It's for my parents really.
You know my dad.
It would make things
less complicated.
Many people
stereotype Jewishness.
Characterize them as nitpicky,
stingy, scheming merchants.
Misers collecting diamonds,
counting money.
Uttering phrases like,
"Shalom, mazel tov, Oy vey"
Constantly hearing about bagels,
violin playing, haggling.
The complaining,
guilt-inflicting Jewish mother.
The spoiled, materialistic
Jewish-American princess.
The often meek but nice
Jewish boy.
You sure you're not
That all spilled out
of your mouth a little too easy.
I take umbrage at that.
I am just a concerned friend
who can't believe
you're doing this for a woman.
[breathes deeply]
Hey, remember.
No more Christmas,
no more Easter Bunny.
Think about it.
Do you know
what it means to convert?
Uh, you...
become a Jew.
It's a little more complicated
than that.
I've known the Sterns for...
over 20 years.
I've watched Katherine grow up.
Yes, she's spoiled,
and she has a good heart.
And she certainly knows
what she wants.
Do you?
You know that
it is my job
to dissuade you from converting?
I'm committed to protecting
the Jewish religion
and the Jewish people.
My personal feeling is
to welcome people
to this beautiful faith.
if they are not serious...
or they have
stereotypical ideas, beliefs...
Oh, no, no. No, no.
I-I am serious.
I am totally serious.
I don't want to harm any Jews.
I would protect them all
if I could.
I respect Jews.
I... I've watched Jews
my whole life.
The entire Holocaust
was terrible.
It makes me sick like...
uh, and... but...
They've done so well
for themselves in Hollywood now.
I mean, they make
all those great...
movies and...
That was the stupidest thing
I have said.
I'm sorry I said that.
I'm babbling.
What about your family?
I'm sorry.
I like you. You're honest.
You didn't come here
and tell me
what you thought
I wanted to hear.
You didn't try to fool me.
I'm not very good at that.
- All right.
- [taps desk]
Let's start with the basics
and move on from there.
And I think you may be surprised
at what you learn.
Okay, Rabbi.
Do I call you Rabbi?
Did you know
rabbi means teacher?
We educate people
in how to connect to God
and to spirituality.
I like that.
The process takes
about six months.
Uh, that's actually not...
gonna work because I need
to be Jewish in three weeks
for Gary's wedding.
We'll deal with that
when we get to it.
But for now, you need to study.
You'll also have a mikveh,
a ceremonial baptism.
And you will need
to be circumcised.
Oh, I am. I, uh...
I believe you.
It's a ritual circumcision
by a mohel.
It's not as bad as it sounds.
[Lily] When I came here,
I hated all American sports,
especially baseball.
I mean, it was torture.
I didn't get it, at all.
Then, I started
to get to know the players.
This one's married.
This one's single.
This one's good-looking.
I started to see the pictures,
the split finger fastball,
the cutter, the sinker,
I began to understand
the strategy.
I decided to change
how I felt about baseball.
And now, I'm more passionate
about the game than Michael.
And then, there is football,
American football.
There's no other sport
that makes grown-up men cry,
brings them to their knees
more than football.
It taps into our most
primal instincts.
So, allow yourself to enjoy
the epic struggle,
the spectacle that is football.
[crowd on TV cheering]
Come on, run it down
their throats.
Time to air it out. Go long!
[TV announcer
talking indistinctly]
Maybe he should
dump it off short.
- No.
- Pssh, of course not.
Good try, Alex.
Brady likes to stay aggressive,
move it down the field.
Yeah, except the defense
is expecting that.
They have
their nickel package in.
[Mrs. Stern]
That's true.
Brady better be careful.
That was a good try, babe.
Okay. Third and one.
Run it off tackle.
Get the first down.
[TV commentary continues]
Or... maybe he should fake it
into the line and go deep.
Oh, that's bold, Alex.
[commentator] ...fires
into the end zone. Touchdown!
[all cheering]
Outstanding, Alex.
Good. Good work. Good...
Hey, come over here.
Sit by me.
Katherine, give him some room.
[commentator 1]
What a touchdown by 22.
[commentator 2]
He's a great football player.
Unfortunately, earlier in the
season, he took a big hit.
You know, I wouldn't be surprised
to see him bootleg it here.
Hey, I got my own John Madden
next to me.
[TV commentary continues]
He's so surgical
in that position.
Changing up tempos like that. His
guys giving him passing lanes.
Hey, Brady's got ice water
in his veins.
No-flinch mentality.
Damn you, Brady!
[Mr. Stern]
I'm taking you to a game.
Fifty-yard line, ten rows back.
How the hell did you get these?
Go get yourself a drink.
Oh, I brought you
something to drink.
Wow! 1967 Bordeaux.
Antonio, you didn't need
to do that.
Alex, uh, why don't you open it?
Or do you need some help?
Tell you what.
You go ahead
and open it yourself.
You might wanna decant it first.
Although it's probably lost
all its fruit by now.
Katherine, go get him.
Patriots are the forces of evil.
Alex, please.
Don't go.
You know I didn't invite him.
My dad did.
He is stalking you.
He's an optometrist.
That's not a real doctor.
The real doctor is
an ophthalmologist.
Mr. Antonio Rosenblatt
is a pretend doctor.
He sells glasses.
What a scam.
And you, oh,
"Yes, may I please have
some of your special wine."
Because everything Italian
is automatically incredible
just because it's Italian.
And by the way, I'm pretty sure
he's not Italian.
He sounds French to me. I don't know
why anybody else doesn't hear that.
How'd you know about
the wine and the football?
Because when I say I'm gonna
do something, I do it.
Hundred percent.
I like that.
All right, uh...
I guess I'll go get back
to your dad.
I don't wanna be rude
or anything.
I don't wanna be a dick.
Where do you think you're going?
I guess it is only the beginning
of the third quarter out there.
My dad's never leaving
that game.
And that score is pretty tight.
Really tight.
We have a good 32 minutes.
This next one is very fun
and a no-brainer.
Upgrade wardrobe.
You have this great,
perfect body for clothes.
Let's show it off.
[cell phone ringing]
I'm sorry, I gotta go.
It's Victoria.
Wardrobe emergency?
Yes. One of our big clients
who no one can stand,
apparently, she hates the dress
I pulled for her.
I'll get back soon as I can.
I'm so sorry.
But there's so many
beautiful clothes here.
Have fun.
Mix and match.
Do whatever you want.
It's gonna make you look
so handsome.
[Alex] I was finally getting
comfortable around Mr. Stern.
Like we were bonding.
We were watching football.
And then this Antonio guy
comes in.
He ruined everything.
Ruined the whole moment.
What do you think
I should do?
Tell him to go away.
I shouldn't punch him?
Only policemen and Marines
are allowed to punch.
Only what?
Policemen and marines
are allowed to punch.
That's a good point.
We're oddballs, huh?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I think we need to be more
like Steve McQueen.
[men grunting]
What the hell?
Look at that lame fuck.
Alex, my friend!
Who's he?
That's the Jewish-Italian
Clearly sounds French though.
[Michael] The one who wants
to get into Katherine's pants?
That's the one.
Look who dropped by, Alex.
How about we play a match?
Terrific idea.
That's all right.
I think we'll come back.
Absolutely. Let's do this.
Kick their asses.
Fuck me! Fuck me!
- Ooh!
- [laughing]
You know, Katherine is
a very special woman.
She deserves the best.
Oh, she's more than satisfied
with what she's got.
No, she's not.
What'd you say?
What'd you say?
My serve.
- Ooh!
- Ooh.
Sorry, that was an accident.
Ah, you're okay.
Just, uh, walk it off.
[dog barking in distance]
Oh, Jesus.
[Russian accent] Transfers you
the greetings, my love!
[dog panting]
What the hell is she doing here?
- Did you tell her to fly over?
- No, Dave, I didn't.
She must've misunderstood me.
Look, I gotta get out of here.
Just keep here here until, uh...
until I get back.
I don't know how long
that's gonna be.
No problem.
Does she speak English?
Your dog, it likes a stroke.
Okay, we're good.
Don't worry. I come back.
good guy.
What do you do in Russia?
I work as the seller-advisor.
To me I like
when people thank if
I in what that have helped them
and on them faces smile.
Listen, do not mess with her.
Hey, buddy, this is your thing.
Now go.
[slaps ass]
Beat it.
To keep our relationship fresh,
we should go out every week,
explore the city,
do different things.
It would be like
a first date each time.
Special night out every week.
I haven't had one in years.
I've earned it. She hasn't.
All right, fine. Give her
the damn special night out.
Just wait.
I know you wanted
to go out, but...
Alex... it's beautiful.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, I'm gonna go check
on the fillets in the oven.
Fillets? Wow.
Um, why am I not sneezing?
Oh, I de-Tuckerized
the whole place.
Yeah, he's gone for the evening.
There is no CSI
that could find any evidence
of canine DNA in here.
Thank you.
I'll be just one sec.
[sniffs deeply]
It's from California.
Heaven. How did you find that?
I have my ways.
I don't know
how you pulled this off.
- [dog barking in distance]
- What's that?
Holy shit.
What's going on?
No, no, no. Anastasiya.
Go. Back. Dave. Now.
I come to here.
Alex tell me.
- Do you know this girl?
- No, absolutely not.
But you know her name.
Okay, I kind of know her.
Are you having an affair?
Oh, my God, no. No.
I was hurt after
you gave me the list.
I went online just to talk
to somebody.
- She's from Russia.
- I'm from Russia.
I never told her to come.
- He said come.
- No, I didn't say that.
[speaks Russian]
I don't understand
what you're saying,
but you need to get your ass out
of here before I mess you up.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.
- [gasps] What! Stop!
- Bitch!
- Hey!
Russian girl. Think you're trying
to find an American husband.
- Baby, what are you doing?
- Why aren't you protecting me
- from this lunatic?
- I am. Just...
- Get out of here. Now.
- But you said come.
- Dave.
- Alex, what...
[shouting in Russian]
So sorry about that.
[Katherine panting]
Okay. I know that was...
A Russian off the Internet?
How tacky.
I told you,
it was a mistake.
All right? I'm an idiot.
Katherine, look,
I'm doing the best I can
with this stupid list thing.
In fact, I'm pretty sure
no other guy in the world
would put himself through this.
You know, I went against
all of my instincts
as a man to please you.
Oh, stupid list?
You know who inspired
that stupid list?
Your good old friend
you can't seem to live without.
Remember my little bedroom talk
with Lily?
You nailed it. What a wonderful
special night out.
[Lily] I didn't tell her
to give you the list.
Okay? I told her that you have
to know what you want in a man
and maybe write it down.
Well, that's great.
So you were
the inspiration then.
Okay, yes!
Yes, I was the inspiration,
- if you want to look at it that way.
- Great.
I was just trying to help you get
moving 'cause you just sit there.
- You never make a decision.
- Stop acting like you're my mom.
- Stop interfering.
- You need me to interfere.
Oh God.
Oh, I'm sorry, Alex.
I'm sorry.
God, I just can't keep
my mouth shut.
And I do interfere.
It's pathological.
I can't help myself.
Oh God.
It's just that
it's too much fun interfering.
It makes me feel like
I'm part of it.
Now I fucked up your future
with the perfect girl.
No, no. No, no, you did not.
She put chocolate on you
because of this?
No, the crazy Russian.
The crazy Russian,
she flew in here,
found my address,
I don't know how.
She scared the crap out of me.
Uh, Dave was supposed
to be watching her,
but she just burst in the middle
of the dinner with Katherine,
starts demolishing the place,
and rubs chocolate
on both of us.
And now Katherine thinks I've been
having an affair with this girl.
- [Alex] It's not...
- [both laughing]
That's the funniest thing ever.
You should see the dress that...
I want to know exactly
what's so funny,
but I already took my pill.
So, Lily, come to bed.
And, Alex, you'll stay
in the guest room.
Good night, honey.
[both laughing]
It's pancake day.
This Russian sounds wild.
- Oof.
- I wanna hear every detail.
But, Alex...
I think under the circumstances,
everything is fair game now.
Who knows
about Katherine, right?
Who knows what the hell
she's doing.
If I were you, I would take
a look at this Russian.
[Russian accent]
A good look.
Test the waters.
For 28 years,
I am living with Mama.
She works in an agriculture.
She looks after birds.
From what you become happy?
What to give
to your face a smile?
Alex, tell to me.
I love for them!
[classical music playing]
[indistinct conversations]
Have you ever been in love?
Many times.
But with each relationship,
your idea of love changes.
And I think that's a good thing.
I will have
the chicken parmigiano.
That-That's not Italian.
Of course it is.
[Italian accent]
Chicken parmigiano.
[both chuckle]
Uh, no, I mean,
an Italian would never take
a chicken, fry it,
and put a lot of sauce
and melted cheese on it.
That's just not
an Italian dish.
It is to me.
I think it's delicious.
It's our best-selling dish, sir.
I wouldn't order it.
I'm sure there's
better things on this menu.
Wh-Where's your chef from?
Seems like Northern Italy.
He's from Mexico.
So this is American food?
In that case,
I will have, um,
New York strip, medium rare.
Chicken parmigiano.
[Katherine clears throat]
I'm sorry, Katherine,
but in Italy...
I know, everything in Italy
is superior.
Guess we're not as persnickety
about our food
because we're so busy
being a superpower.
For example, in America,
we do not take a nap
from 2 to 4 p.m.
because we think it's lazy
and bad for business.
By the way, how are
the eyeglasses selling?
You're upset because
it didn't work out with Alex.
You're right. I'm sorry.
I know you, Katherine.
You're a woman
who needs to experience
the best in life.
And I can give you this.
I am never getting married.
I made that choice
a long time ago.
Makes my life a lot easier.
I'm gonna pawn it.
You'll regret it.
Antique rings aren't worth
what you think.
Nothing's worth
what you think.
Hey, Alex,
can I tell you something?
The reason you can't go
the distance
with Katherine is that...
well, she expects
more than a dog.
I mean, you love dogs
because it's a one-way street.
You know,
it's unconditional love.
Don't pawn this.
You don't wanna end up like me.
Who is this hot piece of ass
putting holes in my grass?
Welcome to my park.
Uh, she's allergic to dogs.
then she shouldn't come here.
Let's get you out of here before
your face turns purple and blows up.
Wait, I wanna
show you something.
It's a prescription.
It will reduce my allergy
by 90 percent.
And this you'll like.
There's injections too.
And you can do the honors.
I think you've gotten
very good at that by now.
[chuckles] They already
gave me my first shot,
and-and I think
it's starting to kick in.
Oh, my God.
- It was my grandmother's.
- It's gorgeous.
- [growling]
- [Katherine grunts]
- I kill you, bitch!
- [Katherine screaming]
- Hey!
- [Katherine] What the hell!
- Hey!
- [Katherine] God, help me!
- Get off of her!
- [shouting in Russian]
Get off of her!
Stop it! Listen to me!
Stop it!
[Dave] I got her!
I got her! I got her!
Where the hell
have you been, Dave?
I thought you had strict orders to
keep this lunatic under lockdown.
You enjoying this?
Is this making you happy?
Alex just proposed to me,
and you've ruined it.
What a great friend you are.
Oh God, look at
my Louis Vuitton boots.
- Oh, no.
- I'll buy you another pair.
You can't afford them.
You always this much
of a bitch?
[Anastasiya shouting in Russian]
Nyet! Nyet! [speaks Russian]
Dave, stop!
Just get her out of here!
All right?
I'll talk to you later.
I gotta deal with this.
Go! Get her out of here!
[shouting in Russian]
This is bullshit!
Oh. Okay. It's okay.
We got it.
- All right.
- Yeah.
Uh, yeah, I wouldn't...
I wouldn't put that on.
I'm not a bitch.
Oh, no.
[Anastasiya moaning]
My God is alive,
and I believe that
he would see me through this.
And I would surprise you
when I'm out of you
to let you know that
you just messed yourself up,
not me.
I worry for you.
Much luck.
Alex, people judge you
by the friends you keep.
[Alex] Uh, it's "Replace male
friend who is a bad influence."
You mean me?
Uh, fuck her.
you know I can't possibly
stay for this,
but Gary will be right here.
Look how beautiful it is.
- Hmm.
- No smell, no...
no residue of anything.
My mom went crazy.
She loved it.
My dad was so impressed.
I'll be right outside.
I really need to talk to you.
Can it wait?
Of course.
Word of advice.
Stay soft.
- Okay, Gary.
- [door opening]
It's from the waist down.
Ah, sit, sit, sit.
- It's all right.
- [Alex] Okay.
Not to worry.
I'm going to numb
the coronal skin
around the head
of your penis.
If you become erect,
it's perfectly normal.
One prick and we're all done.
Oh, uh... Hmm...
[clears throat]
[exhales forcefully]
My parents having sex.
My grandparents are having sex.
My parents are having sex
with my grandparents.
Did it hurt?
No, the mohel had, uh...
good hands.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Gary passed out.
[Gary retching]
It's too late.
I'm a Jew.
Not quite yet, Shlomo.
Jesus! I have
to call you Shlomo?
It's my new second middle name.
I need a drink.
[Katherine] Forget the cliche
of drinking with friends.
Pairing wine with food
and all that crap.
It's the sensual part of liquor.
Like being kissed.
That first sip rushes
to your thighs,
the warm release of pleasure,
and suddenly everything is okay.
I wanna share that with you.
[woman laughing]
[jazz music playing]
The main purpose of alcohol...
it's your lifeline.
It will help you
through anything.
Marriage, children,
work... women.
Scotch is the most
important drink.
If you're out with a coworker,
you order scotch. Neat.
Doesn't matter what kind.
If you're with a boss or client,
you ask for a Macallan 12.
Let me show you the difference.
the Macallan.
You have a good palate.
I do feel that in my thighs.
She was right.
That's a saketini, cosmopolitan,
lemon drop, pomegranate martini.
- Hmm.
- All these drinks are pretty...
But for some reason,
women love it.
You know what my favorite part
of the day is?
Picking Nicky up from school.
There's this moment
where he comes
out of the classroom,
he runs over
and gives me that hug...
Hey. Hey.
It's my kid.
You can't poach
another man's family, Alex.
Go get your own.
I am.
I proposed to Katherine.
I gave her a ring
with dog shit on it.
Good job.
Because you were starting
to piss me off.
Every time I open the door,
there you are,
on my couch, eating my food,
showing Nicky how cool you are
with the boxing and the magic.
But this is great.
Let's drink to Katherine.
Thank you, God, for Katherine.
[bottles clink]
you're Jewish,
a drinker, and getting married.
I guess so.
Well, who's gonna be
your best man?
- Me?
- [both laugh]
Uh, I don't know. I haven't
really thought about it.
Well, you better start.
Because now is when it starts
to get really fun.
All the attention
is gonna be on you.
I'm glad
I was the inspiration
for Katherine's list.
I love you.
[both laughing]
- [Alex] It's gonna be okay.
- Yeah.
Really fun.
- Yeah.
- Just like you said.
I promise.
Hey, bud. You ready?
Be careful with my boy.
[door opens]
[door closes]
It's like being in the cockpit
of your own fighter jet.
It's sleek
and technically advanced
with ultimate power
at your fingertips.
Once you feel that torque,
you will never go back.
You and Tucker deserve that.
It's respect on the road.
People will think twice
before messing with you.
That's the real beauty.
[engine roaring]
[engine shuts off]
- Nicky, don't touch that.
- He can touch whatever he wants.
Come on, grab the wheel.
Grab it! Squeeze it!
That's the power.
It's a game-changer, bruh.
Why don't we take it
for a spin?
I can't. I mean, I got the kid.
You don't have to go fast.
Let's go fast.
Listen to your kid.
He's not my kid.
Oh. Why's he here?
I wanted to get his opinion.
And what do you think,
little man?
Let's buy it.
There you go. Let's make a deal.
You-You know what?
I'm worried about your dog.
- Uh... Enzo.
- What?
He felt heavy,
uh, the other day.
Like a half pound over.
Am I right?
He's a little heavier.
But I've been controlling
the portions
just like you told me.
[Alex] I don't know.
Maybe you should show me
what you're feeding him.
I mean, if he is,
that could be really...
You know?
- [car crashes]
- [Nicky screams]
[doctor] CT scan
came up negative.
He's lucky.
My God.
My God, honey, are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Is he gonna be okay?
He's gonna be fine.
It's just a few bruises.
- [sighs]
- Good thing it was a Porsche.
It's like a tank.
I have two myself.
It was an accident.
It's my fault.
we all make mistakes.
So don't beat yourself up.
Everything's okay.
No, it's not okay.
[Lily talking indistinctly]
I don't know
what the hell I'm doing.
I have no idea
what the hell I'm doing.
My dependency on this family
is so unhealthy.
And this list...
Slow down. Take a seat.
These are separate issues.
Nicky is fine.
Every family makes
a mistake like this.
You looked away for one moment.
You dependency on this family,
that is a problem.
I need to back off.
Yes, you do. But not just
for them, for you.
You're hanging on to them
for dear life.
You're like a swimmer
who's drowning.
Don't drown them.
Don't drown yourself.
And the list...
Take time to explore
what you have with Katherine.
It's silly, but use
the list as a catalyst
to move your relationship
to the next level.
How did you find
your bashert?
Ah, you've been studying, hmm?
With my Miriam...
it started out hot and heavy.
And after a while,
I started to become bored.
And then one night,
we really...
started to talk.
I learned that she had
a great family.
We realized that we had
similar morals,
which made it easy
for us to get along
and to have fun.
She didn't hold back,
and I didn't hold back.
And for the first time
in my life, Alex, I-I felt...
completely able to be myself.
I felt freer.
I felt freer with her than I
ever had as a single man.
We have
an authentic relationship.
And this is what you should have
with Katherine.
This is the foundation that
we built our relationship on.
But you have to do this
without family interference,
without all the bells
and whistles.
Friends, money...
This is what I wish for you.
Don't settle for anything less.
[crickets chirping]
Lead me in the path
of righteousness.
Help me use my abilities
to repair this broken world.
Help me ease and gladden
the lives of those I cherish.
This is your mikveh.
Regardless of what happens,
it will always be
a source of comfort.
This is for you.
That took chutzpah.
Hey, you all right?
You shouldn't have to take shots
for the rest of your life.
I gave Tucker away.
I'm so sorry.
It's... probably
the right thing to do.
I can't get Gary
out of the pool.
[Gary gasping]
Hey, man.
You doing okay?
I don't know.
Is it Rhonda?
Cold feet?
This is more than cold feet.
I'm not attracted to her.
I don't like the way she smells.
Rhonda's garlicky.
It's reciprocal.
My last girlfriend was musty.
You'll, um...
You'll get used to it.
She's not into
the way I smell either.
And the way
she drinks her coffee?
[slurps loudly]
You're focusing
on the wrong stuff, man.
That's nothing, right?
You guys laugh together?
Is the sex good?
Great sex.
And we laugh.
But we don't laugh
at the same things.
She laughs
while we're having sex.
It's weird.
Well, Rhonda can't change
her smell, Gary.
[shouting indistinctly]
Hey. Hey.
I just can't stand watching
how sad you've been.
This is in no way
meant to replace Tucker.
I'm not allergic to cats.
It's cute.
You okay?
I'm okay.
Gary's wedding will be
a good diversion.
We should make it fun.
Take me to the docks
There's a ship
without a name there
And it's sailing
to the middle of the sea
[Alex] I got the cat to sit
with me for a few minutes.
You're bonding.
No way.
That's great.
- [door opens]
- Oh, my God. It's that lunatic.
It's okay. I am not attack.
Dave is needing
to be sorry to you.
To him, it hard talk
emotional shit in your face.
Just keep her away from me.
Sorry I had sex with Anastasiya.
And, Katherine,
you are not a bitch.
- [Dave chuckles]
- Wow!
Thank you.
- You should try them on.
- Okay.
I am sorry I jump your body.
Oh, don't worry about it.
We okay?
Hey, yeah.
[Rabbi Baskin] As you share
this one cup of wine,
you undertake all
the future brings.
All the sweetness life brings
will be that much sweeter
because you drink
from it together.
[sniffs quietly]
[exhales forcefully]
- Stop.
- [screams]
[crowd murmuring]
I'm sorry, Rabbi.
I don't mean any disrespect.
As a new Jew...
I can't in good conscience
watch Gary break that glass
after the feelings he shared
with me in the deep end of...
Mr. Stern's pool the other day.
[crowd murmuring]
Feelings that indicate
this wedding shouldn't happen.
What are you doing?
A very wise person told me
that you must live
an authentic life.
I believe if we...
let this wedding go forward,
it will be a lie.
Gary, is this true?
It is true.
And I'm sorry, Gary...
but I'm in love
with someone else.
[crowd gasping]
Oh, my God.
That makes so much sense.
[Mr. Stern clears throat]
Settle down, everybody.
Settle down.
I would kill you
for pulling a stunt like that.
But in this case...
it was the right thing to do.
Now, look...
we came here to enjoy
a beautiful ceremony.
Celebrate the joining
of two lives.
And I'm paying for it.
somebody here
is getting married.
You two.
Antonio, you're a good man.
It's not gonna happen
with my daughter.
Go get a drink.
Alex, Katherine,
you two love each other.
Now, let's get on with it.
[both laughing]
give me just... one moment.
- Yeah.
- Okay?
One moment.
[crowd murmuring]
[Rabbi Baskin]
As you share this cup of wine,
you undertake all that
the future may bring.
All the sweetness
that life brings
will be even sweeter
because you drink
from it together.
Alex, break the glass.
What are you doing?
I didn't buy the Porsche.
What are you talking about?
It's the cat.
The kitten.
It made me see.
even if I got a 100 percent
on this list,
it still wouldn't matter.
And there's some
great things on there.
There are, but...
in the end, I'm...
I'm just not a cat guy.
You'll learn to like cats.
I just... I just wanted
to lift you up to this
great life.
I know, I don't want
to be lifted into another life.
Katherine, you see, you...
you've put together
this imagined person
that just doesn't exist
inside of me.
This isn't happening.
This isn't happening.
This is the list
you should give your bashert.
what are you doing here?
You called her, didn't you?
She's my best friend.
If I was getting married today,
I wanted her to be here.
You just really can't make
a decision without her, can you?
You-You couldn't even decide
to marry me without asking her.
I just told her to come.
I didn't tell her
we were getting married.
You know, I almost put you
on the list.
You almost put...
I'm sorry.
I hope you find
what you're looking for.
I have something
I need to do.
I'm gonna go with you.
[tires screeching]
[car doors close]
- Alex, hey.
- Hey, hey.
- Hey.
- You're coming for a visit?
We were just gonna go
for a walk.
No, I didn't come for a visit.
I came to tell you guys
I made a huge, huge mistake.
Tucker's my dog.
- Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, no.
- Oh, no, no, he's our dog now.
It hasn't been 48 hours.
You don't have any written or
witness to a verbal agreement.
Legally, you have no standing.
Who is this?
I'm Alex's attorney.
So don't fuck with me.
Alex? Alex?
Shut up!
I know, I know.
Guys, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry. Look, I'll get you
guys any other dog you want.
Any kind. I promise.
How about a labradoodle.
She wants a labradoodle.
Open the door. Open the door!
[Alex snickering]
Look, you didn't get the girl,
but you got your dog back.
And you are now
a well-read, well-dressed,
handsome Jewish man
with sparkling white teeth
who likes football
and knows good scotch.
Get in the back.
[engine starts]
- Hi.
- Hi.
Nice Australian shepherd.
Oh, thanks.
I like yours too.
Beautiful coloring.
you're the yeller.
Yeah, I am.
Well, It's nice
to finally meet you.
Well, thanks for yelling back.
You have a lovely resonance
to your yell.
Thanks. So do you.
[both laughing]
I'm Lara.
I'm Alex.
So I see it seems
we've settled down
Quite a bit from
the energy we once had
Oh, believe me
we've settled down
Way down
Way down
Way down
And all we are
Is burning stars
Shining brightly making sure
you don't float too far
I'll keep an eye on you
if you keep one on me
And then
what happens we'll see
And then
what happens we'll see
And all the time it takes
till you've had enough
Has shortened even
in the last couple of years
But so too have
the years themselves
The years themselves
And all the years fly by
While the clock's
still ticking
All we are
Is burning stars
Shining brightly making sure
you don't float too far
I'll keep an eye on you
if you keep one on me
And then
what happens we'll see
And then
what happens we'll see
All we are
Is burning stars
Shining brightly making sure
you don't float too far
I'll keep an eye on you
if you keep one on me
And then
what happens we'll see
And then
what happens we'll see
And then
what happens we'll see
And then
what happens we'll see
[dogs barking]
[Lara laughing]
Quick! Come here!
Come on.
Come and get it.
- [toy squeaking]
- [Lara laughing]
[Alex] She's quick.
She's so fast.
Come here. Come here.
Come here...
Ow! No!