Ali G: Who Iz I? (2026) Movie Script

[Ali G] Switch off ya phones,
ya bomboclaats.
Listen up!
Everyone in this documentary
about me last year is real,
so have some respect!
[hip-hop music playing]
Easy now.
Who is I?
[crowd cheering]
Booyakasha!
Hmm...
Let me explain.
Yo, hit it, DJ Jazzy Jeff.
[plays "HELICOPTER" by A$AP Rocky]
No! No A$AP Rocky. Something old-school.
[playing old-school hip-hop music]
Back in the day, me used
to have a smash telly show
for the HBO.
Me interviewed politicians, experts...
You think man will ever walk on the sun?
No. The sun is too hot.
What happens if they went in winter
when the sun is cold?
The sun is not cold in the winter.
[Ali G] Me also spoke to the world's
most powerfullest people, innit?
And what was they doing
business in back in the day?
Well, many, many, many years ago,
hundreds of millions of years ago,
people were doing business.
And they were trading in rocks and stones,
and other things.
Who would want to buy rocks?
The show was such a success
that me became a superstar.
Is you Madonna?
All me ever wanted to do
was increase the peace
and spread the love,
just like Martin X
and Malcolm Luther King.
But people, they made up lies about me.
Them said me was a white man
pretending to be Black.
But me ain't never said me was a brother.
-Is it 'cause I is Black?
-Not at all.
-Is it 'cause I is Black?
-You're Black?
[Ali G] Me was even accused
of saying the N-word.
What's going down
in Staines-Town, my [bleep]?
But me ain't never said that.
Me said, "N beep."
For Season 3 of me HBO show,
me asked for 10 million bucks.
But HBO never got back to me, innit?
Without me on the telly,
pretty soon the world became a shithole.
There was COVID, wars, and Ed Sheeran.
Even worse, me life went down the plopper.
Me had to sell me McMansion
and move back to the hood.
[hip-hop music playing]
Me moved back into me nan's house.
This be a custom-made marble Jacuzzi.
Diddy's Special Edition.
It used to be up there
until me filled it with water,
then Me Julie got I
and this girl called Cheryl
from the kabob shop.
It's actually how me nan died.
She was sitting here
just like enjoying herself
and then booka.
It squashed her.
She actually had this official
merchandise from the royal family.
It's called the Buckingham Phallus.
[vibrating]
Me lost all respect in my community,
and went from being King Charles
to being Prince Andrew.
Me still risked me life daily,
clashing with some
of the local gangs, innit?
[rapping] Yo, me gonna mash you up
Me gonna take an AK
Me gonna blow bullets
right through your way
Your head full of lead
You're gonna end up
in bed six feet under
That's right
'cause you's gonna be dead
All right, dickhead,
are you talking to me?
Now when was you born,
post-war or pre?
Like, mate, you're a weirdo
Coming here and harassing kids
Moving like a pedo
[boys exclaiming]
[boys chanting] Pedo, pedo, pedo.
Virgin, virgin, virgin.
-[chanting continues]
-You're virgins.
I ain't a virgin!
With no cash, the only job interview
me could get was at some crap farm.
Respect.
-Sorry?
-Respect.
Yeah. Yeah.
Keeping it real.
[Ali G rapping]
Ali with the stripey horse
Ali with the stripey horse
To think me was in a Madonna video
and now me is shoveling animal plop.
Ali with the black-and-white chicken
Ali with the black-and-white chicken
Yo, me recognize these ones.
Them is from a country
called Madagascar 3, innit?
No.
[Ali G] Unfortunately,
me old ways got me in trouble.
-What is hay?
-Hay is dried grass.
-Them eat grass?
-Dried grass, yeah.
[Lawrence] Hang on a minute.
But you said to give them dry grass.
That's that. Not that grass.
You are totally and utterly
unsuitable as a zookeeper.
What?
You haven't got
the faintest idea what you're doing.
-Me?
-You're in a different place.
You're unemployable.
You need to get some professional advice
and try and get your
personality sorted out.
-What?
-I'm not an expert, but you...
I think you need some help
and get yourself straight.
[Ali G] Me had no show,
no job and no respect.
And to make tings even worser,
Me Julie, who me had only
been boning for 46 years,
started making completely
unreasonable demands, innit?
I want us to get married
and, like, start a family.
-Married?
-[Me Julie] Yeah.
Ding, ding, ding. Gold digger alert.
You ain't got no money.
I ain't no gold digger.
We's gonna have the cash
the moment the HBO agree
to me final demands.
Alistair, are you delulu?
We ain't heard from HBO for 20 years.
It ain't happening.
I know how I'm gonna get money.
-How?
-I'm gonna live my dream.
What's that?
I'm gonna get people
to toss off to my feet on OnlyFans.
Yo, yo, yo. OnlyFans
is well disrespectfulless to women.
I ain't gonna let me bitch be on that.
And to make matters worse,
me noticed Me Julie
had a stomach infection.
So, um, we're meeting for the first time.
So, is it okay if I ask you
a few questions
just to get to where you are
and that kind of things? So...
Is you a doctor?
I am a doctor, yeah.
All right, so she thinks she's preggers.
Could you please just tell her that
it's probably wind or a big poo?
Sorry, let me get this right.
You don't think she's pregnant?
[Me Julie] I've got
a piss stick. Look, it's positive.
[Ali G] Yo, yo, she got a vape.
Tastes of piss.
Is there any way of delaying
-the pregnancy?
-No.
This baby is gonna come out
when it's gonna come out,
and it's likely to be within weeks.
[Ali G] Me was well freaked out.
Plus, babies cost 'nough cash.
So me decided that it was time to sell
some of me priceless bling, innit?
That's worth 18,000,
we'll give it to you for 17,000.
That's 100% karats.
It's iron.
[Ali G] What? You can have it for 90,000.
No, no, no. 1.
-Deal.
-Okay.
All right.
This is part of the actual Crown Jewels.
It belongs to Her Vajesty, the Queen.
100,000.
1.
-Deal.
-Okay.
This vase.
-Any ashes inside?
-Yeah, for real. Me nan's.
Your nan? Shit.
-How much does you want?
-1.
-1 for the ashes?
-For the bottle.
Deal. Potato.
Nan, you is moving house.
-[vase clatters]
-Shit.
Nan, sorry. Sorry, Nan.
This one is a fax machine.
-[machine beeping, whirring]
-Mm-hmm.
Can you read that?
It's from HBO.
"Dear Ali, thank you for
your last and final demand
for your fee for Series 3."
"We are prepared
-"to improve our offer..."
-What?
"...to 3.2 million."
What?
[Peter] "To ensure the success
of the upcoming season,
we are open to an increase
in the marketing budget..."
Yo, wicked!
"...a larger production team,
and discussing any creative ideas
or adjustments you might have."
-Wicked! 3.2 mil?
-[exciting music playing]
-Congratulations, mate.
-[both laugh]
-3.2 million bucks?
-Yes!
Give it to me. 3.2. [shrieks]
[Ali G] 3.2!
Me's gonna let me fans know.
Yo, yo, yo, this be Ali G
and check it out.
I is got Season 3 of me show.
Whoo!
[Ali G] I is back, bigger than ever.
Ain't no one in the world
can stop me now, innit?
[suspenseful music playing]
[woman over phone] Professor,
you're gaslighting me.
No, I am not gaslighting you.
Merely decentering your narrative.
Yo, yo, yo, this be Ali G
and check it out.
-Oh, sweet mother of Ruffalo.
-I is got Season 3 of me show.
This conversation is over.
[Ali G] With 'nough money.
That's right, honeys.
-I is a billionaire.
-He's back.
So if you want to go on the G,
I is coming to the USA.
[whispers] He's back.
-Good afternoon, everybody.
-[attendees] Good afternoon.
I can see it on your faces,
you're concerned about your community,
-right?
-[attendees agreeing]
What would you change? Anybody.
Gun violence.
They should have affordable
housing for the people.
Every night, police kill
Black people on camera.
-May I... May I say something?
-[attendees murmuring]
Can I... May I take over the mic?
[attendees murmuring]
[mic thuds]
Uh, namaste, I am Dr. Nira
Cain-N'Degeocello.
I identify as a white cisgender male,
for which I am ashamed.
[murmuring continues]
I'm sure most of you have heard of me
from my book I Have a Better Dream.
[attendees murmuring]
It's available outside or you can Venmo me
I'm here to alert you
to an existential danger.
He is an English cis white male
by the name of Ali G.
He is coming to this country
to spread his hatred.
He has to be stopped.
Why?
Because he is a cultural appropriator!
Some of the words he says are...
And feel free to cover your eyes.
He has... He uses the word "bomboclaat."
Excuse me? [exclaims]
"Rasclaat," "pussyclaat."
In fact all the "-claats."
[attendees chattering]
[mispronounces] "Punani."
-Punani.
-[woman] Punani. Punani.
It's pronounced "puh-nanny."
-[woman 2] It's "poo-nanny."
-No. Eh, sorry.
Sorry, it is "puh-nanny."
"Poo-nanny."
Madam, he has stolen your words.
He has taken your punani
and put it in his mouth.
[attendees clamoring]
He performs, uh, RAP,
which as we all know is an acronym
for "Radical African Poetry."
-[man] What?
-But that ain't it.
-[Nira] Yes, it is.
-No.
Not to bang my own djembe, but I...
-[attendees clamoring]
-Well, I... I lecture in
Afro-Diasporic Ethnomusicology,
so I beg to differ.
You're aware of the word "trigger," right?
Because you for sure trigger me
every time you say "appropriation,"
because you are a blazing,
walking, living,
three-dimensional example of that shit,
and you keep putting it
in our face on a consistent basis.
Well, thank you, Dr. Ben Carson,
-for your opinion.
-[people scoffing]
I think everyone would like you to leave.
If you want him to leave,
please join with me.
[attendees clamoring]
I would like everyone to join me
and march out of here
and shut this modern-day Hitler down.
I don't care!
Will you join with me?
No, man. Ain't nobody going with you!
[singing "Shosholoza"]
[attendees clamoring]
[continues singing]
[hip-hop music playing]
[Ali G rapping] Ali in the USA
Ali in the USA
Ali in the USA,
Ali in the USA
[Me Julie] So, we're gonna
meet your new agent.
[Ali G] Maybe that's him.
-How are ya?
-Booka!
-I'm Gar. How are you?
-Introduce yourself.
-That's it.
-Yo, we is together, man.
For the next 50 years,
whatever. Fuck yeah.
-[laughs] You look great.
-Hell yeah. Yo, bring it in.
-Bring it in.
-That's it.
[Ali G] Me do the HBO
Me do the HBO, bo!
[line ringing]
We're going to get voicemail.
[voicemail] You've reached the office
-of Casey Bloys.
-Yo.
Neither him nor his assistant, Chris,
are able to get to the phone right now.
Please leave a message
and we'll get back to you.
[voicemail beeps]
Hey, Casey, this is Gar Lester.
Uh, could you please give us a call?
Thank you very much.
Okay, I think we're good.
[Ali G] Me Julie, while I is
in there meeting me new team,
why don't you go shopping?
You know, we is rich,
buy yourself something nice.
[Gar] You ready? Come this way with me.
[people cheering]
[Ali G] Yo, yo, yo. Yo, respect. Yo.
Yo, is this the team?
This is the team.
You can tell he's security.
-[Ali G] Yo, security, yo.
-Yes, security.
-[Gar] Stylist.
-What's up?
-Producer.
-Yo.
-[Gar] And the PA.
-[Ali G] Yo.
-[Gar] Fitness.
-[Ali G] Yo, trainer!
-[Barber] Financial.
-He's my crypto king.
I'm going to get your money right.
-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah, for real.
You are going to be huge.
You're going to be mammoth.
And all of this team
is going to make it happen.
There's nothing we can't do.
If you want to do it, we will get it done.
Me's got some ideas for the show.
Like Episode 1, me is thinking of, like,
'cause there is
so much problems with the environment.
-Yeah.
-Maybe fix it.
Everyone's saying, "It's impossible."
"We can't do it. We can't do this."
We do it. We fix it.
-One episode. Bang.
-Done.
If you come out with that, that's huge.
What you just described, I've not seen.
-Yo, my man here.
-Brother.
How committed is you to doing the job?
I will protect you with my life, sir.
Has you ever died for a client?
No, I've never died for a client. Not yet.
Yo, for real. You ever strangled
a man with your bare hands?
-[Ernest] Yes.
-Got to be done.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
Strangled him till death?
Not till death.
-I just choked him out. Yeah.
-Yeah, but just like...
Yeah. So, yeah.
-Choked him out.
-Yeah.
Choked him out. Choked him out.
Choked him out. Yeah.
A lot of choking out.
-There's a lot of different choke-outs.
-Yeah.
We will protect this brand with our lives.
[all cheering]
Let's take this to the top. Here we go.
[all cheering]
-Oh, my.
-[Ali G] Yo!
[Gar] Good Lord.
[Ali G] Fill them up. Fill them up.
[hip-hop music playing]
Ali got a zillion
Yo, Elon ain't rich
No, he ain't
He ain't never done a money spread, bo
Bring more.
He don't even own a diamond chain
No, he don't
Look at my riches
Bring more of everything.
-Where is his bitches?
-[Ali G] We love you!
Drink up the Cristal
Pull out your pistol, bukka, bukka
I is richer than Elon
Booyakasha, booyakasha
I is richer than Elon
[waiter] Bill for you, sir.
[Ali G] $12,423?
-[Barber] Fuck! Seriously?
-No worries. Easy.
Thank you, HBO.
We gonna be eating like this every night.
[Barber] Yeah, I would say,
-like, once a month.
-[cell phone ringing]
[Howard] So hardcore
like this all the time?
[Barber] I mean... yeah.
[Ali G] I think for what
we had that was value.
I don't know how to do this. Hello?
Who is it?
Hi, Chris. HBO.
Yo, it's HBO!
[all cheering]
I want to say thanks.
Let's celebrate.
Yo, yo, put me on to Casey Boys.
We want to say we had the best meal.
Thank you for the money, the cash money.
We're gonna spend it wisely.
We're spending it wisely now. Right?
[Casey over phone] Um,
you know, there is no show.
That offer is null and void.
That expired 22 years ago.
-What?
-It's 22 years old.
That offer was made in 2004.
What? What day is it?
[Gar] He's 100% correct.
-Let's thank him for his time.
-[Casey] We wish you the best.
You made an offer.
You got to stop 'cause
you're not making it better.
-You're making it worse.
-[Howard] Yeah, we'll surprise them.
I've got my security.
Him has strangled people before.
-[Howard] No.
-You don't want to...
No, I ain't threatening you.
I ain't threatening you.
I'm just saying, him has choked
people out five different ways.
Him has been around bullets.
Can you at least pay for dinner?
-It's just 12,400.
-[Casey] We can't do that.
No. No, we're not paying for anything.
-[Zeus] Holy fuck.
-[Howard] Let's leave it be.
So, who had the lobster?
It doesn't work that way.
-[Ali G] Let me go to the toilet.
-Take the phone.
-Don't you call him.
-It's all right. It's all right.
-I ain't calling him.
-[Gar] All right, you go with him.
You got to pay the bill.
I just got to go to the toilet.
[up-tempo hip-hop music playing]
[waiter] Hey!
[Ali G] Booyah!
[whooping]
Ali the runner,
Ali the runner
Me ain't got the cash
Me got to do a runner
Ali the runner,
Ali the runner
-Me Julie, where is you?
-[Me Julie] How did it go?
Yeah, it went amazing.
Yeah, them paid for it all.
Come meet me.
Yeah, well, send me the address.
-Sending now.
-Yeah.
I've got a surprise for you.
-Yeah. Of course.
-I hope you like it.
Me'll be happy whatever
you bought. See you soon.
[upbeat rap music playing]
I's gonna tell her the truth
Julie, we broke
Messed up the dough
We never had the deal with HBO
Give back the handbag
Give back the chains
We gotta get a plane
Back home to Staines
-It's him. He's here.
-[man] Okay. Okay.
Take care of yourself,
Domingo. Appreciate it.
[Me Julie] Babe!
-Whose house is this?
-Who do you think? Ours!
Oh...
[kisses]
-How much is it?
-30 mil.
[groans softly]
-Hello? How are you?
-I basically told the guy...
-Who is this?
-That's the realtor.
I'm the realtor showing the house.
-The what?
-The realtor
-to show the house.
-[Ali G] What's that?
Uh, like the real estate agent to sell
the house. Just to show you around.
Yeah, for real.
It's 19,000 square feet
and there are 9 bedrooms and 14 bathrooms.
I think maybe
forget this one and let's head out.
Stop being neggie. Come on.
This table is crap. It ain't even level.
It's the top of the piano.
-It's for the acoustics.
-[Ali G] Oh.
This room is crap.
It's the patio. It's the...
There's no ceiling on it.
Right. It's the outdoor area.
What happens if a bird
flies into this room?
Well, that is a risk.
[Ali G] Another one of these shit tables.
[Hsu] It's the same one,
and it'll be gone,
-I promise you.
-What? It's the same one?
It's the same one.
And we'll get rid of it for you.
How come it's
in a different place? Who moved it?
No. We just came in
from a different side of the house.
We can afford the best, you know,
'cause we are rich,
rich, rich, rich, rich, rich, rich!
All right, listen, can we have a word?
Me? Okay.
-Can you tell her...
-Yes.
...that me didn't get the HBO show?
Didn't get the HBO show.
And that the offer
was actually from 2004.
I think it's expired.
The offer's expired. Okay.
Yeah. So we're gonna get no money.
[Hsu] All right.
So he wanted me to tell you something.
Yeah?
He wanted me to let you know that
he did not get the HBO show.
What?
Okay, would you like me
to tell him something or...
-Yeah. Yeah.
-Okay, I'm listening.
-[clears throat]
-[door opens]
So... She wanted me to tell you
to suck a bag of dicks.
-What else did she say?
-That's it.
[sighs]
He said, "We is broke."
Right. Tell him he's a moron.
"And he still can't get hard and bone me
ever since I became pregnant."
She's hung up on that.
Tell her that the moment
you mentioned her name,
me started getting hard
and me dong really stood up to attention,
until it was like really throbbing
and shaking at the top,
like about to jizz.
-And if... if him was a gaylord...
-Okay.
...it would have jizzed,
but it didn't, 'cause him ain't.
That when I mentioned
your name, he got hard,
and he said something about...
Bollocks.
...it was throbbing
and if it was a gaylord,
he would have jizzed.
Tell him, yeah,
that I'm not going out with him anymore.
-I'm going out with you.
-No, no, no.
-Sorry. That's...
-Yeah, that's what we're doing.
Oh.
-It's fine. [farts] It's fine.
-You sure?
It's fine, it's fine. Come here. Come on.
[feces plops]
I'll just... I'll stand over here.
Do... Do we want to,
you know, go back downstairs, maybe?
No, no, no. No. Let's resolve this.
Tell her me would love to bone her now.
[feces plops]
All right.
Thank you, by the way, bruv.
-Brother! Hey. Hey.
-Thank you.
Is there any way
we could stay here while we is in America?
Sorry. No. I think I should,
you know, step outside.
Talk about it, think about it.
Come on, babe, let's go home.
Well, but what about me dream?
Well, maybe it's time
for a new dream, you know,
like where you're
a good father to the baby.
-No, no, no, but...
-No more buts, Alistair!
Right, this child
needs a stable environment
in which to grow up inside.
-[Ali G] Don't be mental.
-[Me Julie] What?
All the experts are saying it. Look.
[Ali G] Well, what does she know?
[Me Julie] What does she know? [scoffs]
She's only made millions
giving baby advice on TikTok.
Jah Rastafarai! Well, that's it, then.
We'll make me show on the TikTok, innit?
How are you going to pay
for making it all?
We'll get a sponsor.
[up-tempo hip-hop music playing]
[Ali G] Me Julie arranged
a meeting with a sponsor,
and then made sure
me was dressed appropriately.
Me meet da sponsor
Me meet da sponsor
-Hi. Very nice to meet you.
-Very nice to meet you.
-[Ali G] Yo.
-[Heurer] Can I shake your hand?
[jacket squeaking]
Big up yourself.
[objects clatter]
Sorry.
What sort of...
What sort of things does your product fix?
Well, I have
a variety of products. Like this is, uh...
Synergy One is a peptide,
so when a person reaches a certain age,
their body's production
of hormones declines.
And it's gotten so low
that their quality of life suffers.
A protein reverses that.
Let's cut to the chase.
How much can you give me
if me mention your products?
Um, I'd probably...
I would have to probably do it
on commission base in terms of sales,
and agree to, like, a percentage
of the month, the profits.
What about if 60% goes to you
and 110% goes to me?
That's the best you're gonna get.
Don't let me walk out.
We reached an agreement.
This weren't the first time
me was gonna earn cash money
by dealing drugs, a'ight.
[objects clattering]
Now, me had sponsorship,
it was time for me to try out
me first ever interview in
a well-known TikTok style-y.
[up-tempo hip-hop music plays]
Follow me TikTok
Follow me TikTok, follow me
Follow me TikTok
Follow me TikTok, follow me
[whispering] We is here
with none other than
General Rodeheaven.
Him was a general in the American Army.
Thank you for coming here today.
-[loudly] It's my pleasure.
-Ooh, this.
Maybe it's better if you put that on.
What was your favorite thing
that you did in the military?
[scrapes mic]
[softly] I helped promote young people,
-young men and women...
-[Ali G continues scraping]
...to higher ranks and made them, um...
[whispering] How dangerous is Iran?
-[loud spraying]
-[Rodeheaver, muffled] I think Iran is
the single most
dangerous country to us in the world.
-Iran has the...
-[spraying stops]
...the possibility of completing
-nuclear weapons very quickly.
-[spraying]
They have already said they
have no problem using them.
[Ali G] People liked it.
In fact, things started taking off.
Jazzy, give me something old-school.
[playing old-school hip-hop music]
So check it out, we is doing
a mukbang here today.
I's here with Professor Lichtman.
Politics in America are something new.
-Donald Trump has said...
-[slurping loudly]
...the election was stolen from him.
Who stole his erection?
Nobody!
I has got here none other than my man,
Art McDonald.
We is gonna do
a clothes try-on haul.
With me TikTok show doing well good,
me promised Me Julie
that me'd turn up
for some of her baby nonsense.
This is the time
when you have to think about,
what kind of father do I want to be?
So what kind of father
do you want to be to this baby?
I was thinking absent.
Me was a success.
Me had a million followers on the TikTok.
It seemed like nothing could go wrong.
[record scratching]
[music stops]
Let's see if any of me fans
has got any comments.
Well, introduce yourself.
Hello. Who is you? Where you from?
My name's Dr. Nira Cain-N'Degeocello
and I represent
the entire Black community.
I've got a message for you.
For real. What's that?
Unless one of your parents is Black,
you are not allowed to continue speaking
or performing like this.
Why not? Who said that?
Yeah, he's free to speak as he pleases.
No! Because you are
a cultural appropriator.
-[Ali G] Well, maybe...
-What a pile of nonsense.
Not allowed by whom?
Of course, he's free to speak as he wants.
Yo, Me Julie, what's going on?
Hey, you're talking a lot of old guff.
He procreated?
All right, me don't know who me dad was.
Yo, if you is watching this now
and you is me dad,
me ain't never met you,
and you is a brother.
Maybe you live in wherever,
Jamaica or, like,
Nigeria or Wakanda,
you give me a shout, right?
Me want to hear from you.
If you do not stop producing your filth
and return home...
[tense music playing]
...then I will destroy you.
All right, enough of him!
Enough of his threats.
Yeah, enough of him, you rasclaat!
-These crazy threats. Bye-bye.
-Yo, haters gonna hate.
-Yo, bye-bye. Bye-bye.
-Bye-bye.
[Ali G] There was danger in the air.
A leader of the Black community
came out against me.
Ali G does not promote healthy values.
Ali G supports oppression,
and re-traumatizes his viewers.
And we need to shut that down.
[Ali G] Me had to find out
what me had been accused of.
Yo, thank you very much for meeting me.
-Of course.
-[Ali G] Respect.
I is in a bad place
because I has been accused
of being something called
a cultural appropriator.
So I notice that you're wearing a durag.
-What? This?
-Yes.
-Yeah, for real.
-Yes.
Do you know where they originated from?
Yeah, from Egham High Street.
The market on Sundays.
Do you know where
the durag originated from?
China. That's what it said inside.
-Okay, that's who made it.
-Yeah.
So the durag
is something that is used
in African American culture.
Should me stop buying music
made by Black artists?
No. Absolutely not.
-Can me sing along to it?
-Absolutely.
[in deep voice] Can me do the voice?
Okay, so that might be a challenge.
[in normal voice]
So on the subject of music,
is it all right for me to clap in time,
or does I have to clap
out of time with the crackers?
No, you can clap on time, on beat.
But ain't that cultural appropriation?
No, it's not. What it sounds like, is that
instead of being curious
and being open to learning,
you're trying to find an easy way out.
-For real.
-Mm-hmm.
[Ali G] Making the changes she wanted
would mean me working harder
than me'd ever done in me whole life,
so me decided not to bother.
Me influence,
me is an influencer
Booyakasha. Me is here
with none other than
Sheriff Ken Cum Bell.
Campbell.
[Ali G] Frank the Plank say "kiss him."
-No, I ain't gonna do that.
-No. No...
-Stop that.
-...we're not gonna do that.
Very immature. That ain't gonna happen.
Uh, "Just a peck." All right. Fine.
-Just a peck on the cheek.
-No!
All right. "Hold his hand."
All right. Hold his hand, then. Go on.
No! I came here to do a job,
and that's to... to be
a good interview with you.
All right. Fine. We ain't gonna do it.
Let's just... Come on, grow up.
"Suck him off." I ain't doing that.
[messages dinging]
Hold on.
"I am your father."
"I need to speak to you...
ASAP."
[uplifting hip-hop music playing]
I is Black!
Me dad is A$AP Rocky! Booyakasha!
Yo, Mr. Nira Cain-N'Dongeocello,
you can suck on me sleng teng
'cause me father is Black, so so is I!
[Nira] Thank you, progressive warriors,
for joining me in my teepee.
We are at war.
Ali G is now claiming his father
is a person of color.
We need to get proof
conclusively that he is white.
But first, let's just ensure
that we're operating
under a set of common values.
How should we show appreciation
for somebody else's, uh, comment?
I like, uh, snapping. Or maybe...
Yeah, probably snapping is my choice.
[Nira] How do you feel about that?
Um, I'm a fan of nodding, but I...
So, snapping is, uh, triggering?
No, it's not triggering. It's just,
um, a little bit out of my personal box,
but I don't mind. It's totally okay.
Is snapping not exclusionary
to the fingerless?
Yeah. Yeah, I would say so.
Should we move more to the nod?
Wouldn't that be exclusionary
to someone who's, um, paraplegic, though?
You know, your safety
is really, really important to us.
If anyone has any psychological trauma,
we have the number of a shaman.
And in the evening,
we have a night shaman.
Uh, actually, this says
"M. Night Shyamalan,"
which is a mistake.
As you may have noticed,
there is a young BIPOC person
in this teepee.
His name is Manu,
and he is my unpaid African intern
who I liberated from the Gambia.
Hello.
Come on.
Let's talk about racism
and racial stereotypes.
Looking at Manu,
do you think he has a small,
average, large or enormous penis?
I would probably say average.
Fuck you.
Okay.
Maybe it will spice up our love life
now that we're a mixed-race couple.
Well, you ain't never been
with a brother before, innit?
-[both moaning]
-Actually, hold on.
-Me should wear a condong.
-Why?
'Cause me don't want to get
the baby pregnant, innit?
You know what? You're right.
I'm not ready to be a grandma. Go on.
[grunts] Be right back.
[soul music playing]
The dark shades of my skin
Only add color to my tears
Oh, oh
Is it because I'm Black?
Oh
Somebody tell me
what can I do...
How are you doing today, sir?
What's up, my N-beep!
I is looking for some dong stiffener.
Ah! Okay, okay, okay.
I know exactly what to get you.
Make sure you eat
before you take this, okay?
It's not for me.
It's for, uh, a mate of mine.
-Uh-huh.
-Ever since Me Julie...
I mean, His Julie got a bun in the oven,
he can't get the dong stiff.
-Oh, yeah, yeah. Don't...
-You know, not for me.
-Let me try. Let me try.
-Yeah, yeah, it's okay.
-Yeah, okay.
-Let me try. Let me try.
-Yeah, man.
-Let me check one more.
Don't take this one.
You're gonna have to wait about...
[Ali G] One more. One more.
[Joshua] That's too much
for both of those, bro.
-One more. One more.
-You gonna need a doctor.
The doctor... Last time me saw the doctor,
him told me that she had a baby in there.
-And me was like, "What?"
-Yeah, bro.
Me thought she just needed
to break wind or something.
-Uh-huh.
-Since then,
me got oppression with the erection.
I got you. Got you, G. I got you.
It'll be $24 for both of those.
All right, we'll take one more
just in case.
Nah, bro, you got to read
the back of these.
It ain't good to take
two of these at all at once.
Don't worry.
Bro, you...
Okay. Okay. I ain't
reliable for you, boss.
You know, someone
called me an appropriator,
but then me found out
that me pops was actually a brother.
-Yeah, bro.
-So I's the real deal.
-The whole world is a part of the culture.
-Me and you.
Is you Black? Is you Black?
Come on, man, you don't
got to ask me that, man.
-No, but you is?
-Yeah. Come on, man.
-Well, me and you, too.
-All right, G.
We's just
a couple of brothers chilling out.
-One, me and you. Whoa!
-Yeah, my G. All right.
Has you got kids?
Yeah, I got one.
What's it like? It's scary, right?
Nah, it ain't scary at all.
It's a beautiful thing.
-I'm gonna be... I'm gonna be a pops, man.
-Yeah.
-Yeah. It's gonna be...
-Yo, give me some advice.
The only advice I can
give you for having a kid
is just take care
of your responsibilities.
Treat your kid
like you want to be treated.
Yo. With respect. With respect.
And if you didn't have a good childhood,
make sure your kid have a good childhood.
But you good, boss?
-What?
-You good?
Yo, there's a rumble in the jungle.
I think me beast is back.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, yo!
-Yo!
-[chuckles lightly]
Yo.
You better get home, G.
I better get home.
Sorry I put that down, but you got...
If someone come in here
-with an erection...
-Yeah.
...they're gonna knock
everything down. I'm so sorry.
Yeah, G, you got to go to your wife, bro.
That's not safe to be having
out in the public, right now.
For real. For real.
How many Black friends has you got?
Black friends? A million.
You has got a million and one, bruv.
All right, bro, nice to meet you.
I feel it now. Peace, brethren.
Jah Rastafari. I see you,
Montego Bay. Sleng teng.
[sighs] Life is crazy.
[tense music playing]
Uh, Mitch.
-Andr. It's good to meet you.
-Andr. Nice to meet you.
Are you nervous?
-For what?
-Uh, this.
Nah, not really.
[Nira] Okay, we have his hotel
under surveillance.
The cultural appropriator
is out of the hotel.
We have an opportunity
to get in there fast,
-proving once and for all...
-[camera shutter clicking]
...that he is not a person of color.
We're going to need to get his DNA.
We will be going undercover
as Ali G and his hip-hop posse.
Okay, you look good.
Okay, you got knickers?
I got the knickers. You got the hoes?
You got the britches?
Where are the britches?
Okay, let's go,
let's go, let's go! Okay, just act cool.
Yo, yo, yo, uh, what is up?
I'm Ali G. Uh, I need my room key.
[receptionist]
Um, I just need to see an ID
and I'll go ahead and get you those keys.
-[Nira] What?
-I just need the ID to check you in.
[Nira whispering] There's the master key.
You distract this recepto-fascist,
while I steal it.
[receptionist]
Um, I definitely can make you a key.
I just have to have ID to do that.
[Mitchell] Thank you, ma'am.
[Nira] Where's he going?
That's breaking and entering
and I'm not about that.
Come on, all for one.
[Andr] That's breaking and entering...
-Why?
-...and I'm not about that.
[Me Julie moaning softly]
[lock beeps]
[tense music playing]
[door handle clicks]
[lighter clicks]
[blows]
Whoa. [exclaims, chuckles]
[whispering] This room reeks of DNA.
Luckily, I have a blacklight.
I mean, sorry, a light of color.
[sighs]
[kisses] Love you.
-[lock clicks, beeps]
-[Nira] Take that.
We did it. Fucking got it.
We were in there looking
for DNA, and we were, like,
on the close side of the room, dude,
and when I heard that door open...
Oh, my God.
[whispers] Hold on, what's that?
That's him. That's him.
We need to go down.
[tense music fades]
He comes in, like, super fucked up
off some pills or something,
and he's, like, barely even,
like, understandable.
[Ali G] Oh, me is mashed.
What a long night.
[whispering] He's wearing headphones,
he can't hear us. Let's go.
[object clanging lightly]
Me Julie? Is that you?
[in high-pitched voice] Yes.
[Ali G] Will you talk dirty to me?
[Nira in high-pitched voice]
Talk dirty to you?
And then he, like, flipped him over
and started having sex with him.
[Nira whispering] The people united
will never be divided.
[in high-pitched voice]
As quick as you can, honey. Thank you.
[quietly] The people united
will never be divided.
Like I... He must have been so fucked up.
I don't even think he knew who we were.
[Andr] Holy shit.
["Cherish" by Kool & The Gang plays]
Cherish the love we have
We should cherish
the life we live...
He took off his shoe at the end and we...
uh, I held it up to his butt,
and then he pooped out
the semen basically into the moccasin.
Okay, there we go. [farts] Anything?
[technician] Hi, how are you?
[Mitchell] I'm doing good.
I have a drop-off.
-[technician] A drop-off?
-[Mitchell] Yeah. For a...
It's a... a test of semen.
-Okay.
-For, um, ethnic...
-[technician] For an ancestry?
-Yeah, ancestry. Yeah.
-That's what I'm looking for.
-Yeah.
[technician 2] I got the results.
That's Alistair.
Okay.
[laughing]
Can I, may I? May I? Um, may I?
[Mitchell] Yeah. We got it.
[both laughing]
[Nira] Listen,
here's the plan.
You film Ali while showing
him the DNA results,
then we'll post the footage
and let the online world
destroy him. [laughs]
[Mitchell] Are you Ali G?
My name is Mitch. I'm a big fan, man.
Yo, big up yourself. Have a seat.
Do you mind if I just ask you
one quick question?
Me is usually the interviewer,
but go ahead, innit.
I was just kind of curious
because my friend, uh.
recently got some DNA from you,
and they did a DNA test,
and it turns out...
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on.
You got some DNA from me? How?
My friend slept with you
in your hotel room.
-What?
-My male friend, actually.
You saying me boned him?
Yeah. Actually, it was me and him.
We were both in the room together and...
So you just sat there and watched?
It's all just atoms
and particles, you know? It doesn't...
There's nothing wrong, nothing unnatural.
Hold on, hold on.
Tell me at least that him
could easily be confused
with Sydney Sweeney.
Yeah, I would say so. I'll just say...
Yeah, like, definitely you could get
a little, maybe confused.
But long story short,
when he did your heritage test,
you're 100% Scottish.
Which part of Africa is Scotland in?
Uh, Scotland is based in the UK.
Uh, next to Wales,
across from Great Britain.
Verified relatives. Your dad
is Malcolm Rocky Atkins.
[somber music playing]
A$AP Rocky ain't me daddy.
I think this is something
you can be proud of, man.
This is, uh, you know, you're Scottish.
Like the... the proud Scots.
It's a lot to take in
in one night, man. It's going to be okay.
I think you can... you can
change for the better, man.
You got your girl.
There's a lot to be thankful for.
Yo, it's just been such a mental few days.
Like the other night...
me dreamt that me was bonin' me honey
while Flavor Flav was in the room.
I think that was me.
All right, stay strong, man.
[Ali G] In just 24 hours,
me went from being young, gifted and Black
to being white, Scottish and a gaylord.
[Me Julie] Rah.
-What?
-Babe, you're trending!
Oh, wicked.
Ali G cannot continue to exist
on our screens.
Ali G is white,
he's not Black, and we need to cancel him.
She doesn't know what she's talking about.
I'm 12.5% Black, but 100% disgusted
by Ali G. And I hope this...
Shut up!
Ali G, go back to Scotland.
We don't want you here.
Whatever. She's got a funny looking head.
[Ali G] Me was cancelized.
The only way back was to say sorry.
Me couldn't risk effing it up,
so me studied
some apology videos to learn how to do it.
I apologize to you.
Uh, my behavior was unacceptable.
You know, I... I made a choice.
[Ali G] So me gathered leaders
from all the different
communities in the world
to apologize to them
so that they would spread the word
and get me forgiven.
I would like to publicly apologize.
I was wrong.
Jokes at my expense are part of the job,
but a joke about Jada's medical condition
was too much for me to bear,
and me reacted emotionally.
If you don't forgive me,
me hope that this changes your mind.
This is totally legit and real,
and there's no way that this is AI.
[serene music playing on video]
We forgive you, Ali G.
-We forgive you.
-Them forgive me.
We forgive you.
[all] We forgive you, Ali G!
[in male AI voice]
Hello, it's me, Nelson Mandela.
And I completely forgive you, Ali G.
Everything good, me bro.
[AI choir] We forgive you
[Ali G] This is not AI. It's real.
Ali G
We forgive you
We forgive you
[AI choir] We completely
and utterly forgive you
[AI Whitney Houston]
HBO were wrong to cancel your show
[AI choir] We forgive you, Ali G
All Black people forgive you
We forgive you
And we all want you to bone us
We forgive you
[song ends]
[AI voice rapping]
Yo, it's one to the two
-[upbeat music plays]
-Two to the three
I gotta smoke you up a big apology
I has come back from heaven today
To say we owe you
an apology to make it okay
It's Big Poppa
floating straight from heaven's gate
Just gotta tell you that you is great
Ain't no way you did nothing wrong
Plus, you a better MC
and got a massive dong
My name is Moses
Used to split the sea
But thanks to Ali G,
I'm splitting punani
Used to have
Ten Commandments, as you can see
But now I got only one
Thou shalt blow me
B-B-B-B-Blow me
Yo, yo, my name is Adolf Hitler
Wish I'd met you in '38
'Cause you'd
have convinced me that Jews are great
G-G-G-G-Greta
My name's Greta Thunberg
I'm always moaning
Enough of this shit
Let's start the bonin'
B-B-B-B-B-B-B-Bonin', bonin'
Ali, is you there?
It's your nan
Everyone knows that you the man
It weren't your fault that I is dead
Just because two bitches
was giving you head
Yeah, that threesome
squashed her with a Jacuzzi
But you was firing your load
like a big, dumb Uzi
Plus, she got to die
with these great titties
Now she's up in heaven
getting fingered by Biggie
[AI crowd cheering]
[Ali G] Where's you going?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stay. Stay.
You's gonna miss the best bit.
Please don't leave.
Please. [sighs wearily]
So that's it. Will you spread
the word that I is forgiven?
Uh...
I'm not going to say that I'll do that,
but I will... I will say a prayer for you.
-[chuckles evilly]
-[sinister music playing]
[music concludes]
[exhales]
Yo, it didn't go well.
[Me Julie over phone] Aw, rah.
Rah, I'm so sorry, babe.
Does you think me should do
an apology video for the apology video?
I don't think so. Let's just go home.
You know, it really
is for the best, right?
We're gonna go home. Start our family.
It's gonna be beautiful.
Baby, you're gonna be a dad.
[cell phone ringing]
Who be this?
[over phone] Hi, this is Karl Condello.
I saw what the woke mob did to you.
I'm calling to offer you a job
as the host of a show
called The Free Speech Show.
You know,
it is the opportunity of a lifetime,
it'll make you a star again.
We'd love to have you on board.
The new executive producer for the show.
And we're going to have
some famous guests on here.
Alex Jones, Kid Rock, Kari Lake.
And you'd be the perfect host for it.
What? Me own show?
Yeah, it's a brand new,
not left woke type.
It's going to be on the other side.
-This is with the message...
-Tell him to call back.
-We're gonna miss the flight.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah! Hold on.
Wait, wait, wait.
Yo, yo, tell me more about this show.
[Condello] You'll be able to
continue what you're saying,
and not have to be worried
about pissing off other people.
This is going to be, you know,
exactly how you feel.
Why is he offering you a show
out of nowhere?
The guy sounds weird, bruv.
Well, he's gonna help us
live our dream, innit?
Your dreams. Come on, Ali.
Me can't do it. It can't...
can't be all about the kid.
Well right now, it is all about the kid,
if you haven't noticed.
A kid who needs a dad.
Me never wanted to be a dad.
Me told you that it was you
that always wanted
to be a dad, not me, innit?
What?
You don't want to be a dad?
I's been waiting for 20 years for this!
This show sound the bomb.
It sounds unethnical.
What are you thinking?
This isn't you. I think this is a setup.
Don't do it.
Babe, if you choose that show,
we're over.
[melancholy music playing]
[cell phone clicks]
[Condello] Do we have a deal?
[softly] Alistair.
Yes, we does.
-[Me Julie gasping]
-Send me the deals.
[shudders, sighs]
[R&B music playing]
Who is I?
Who be me?
What is my identity?
What?
Was me right to leave Julie
Yes
And the baby in her punani?
These is dark days
Me don't know who me is, yo
Me just know
me ain't ready for a kid, no
Me can't give the baby education
Me gotta fix up
me own reputation, right
So me left her
at the plane station
What good for me
is good for the nation
Ali come from the Staines
in the hood
And me gonna rock it fine
And me gonna rock it good
[Ali G] Me headed off to meet Dirk Visser,
this South African producer
who was an arms manufacturer
and inventor of the South African Uzi.
[Visser] Do you know
what the guy's name is that's coming?
-[assistant] Ali.
-[Visser] Okay. Alec.
-[assistant] Ali.
-Ali. Okay.
-Hello, Ali.
-Yo. Respect.
I'm one of the producers of the show.
[Ali G] Who is I?
Who be me?
So, we'll show you. This is
the pre-staging area here.
Is me ebony or ivory?
Or random mix like bukkake?
Where should me live?
Which side of town?
-'Cause me face is white
-Wicked.
-But me nuts is brown
-This is like me old show.
Feels good to be back, innit?
It does. [clears throat]
[dramatic music playing]
My name is Dr. Nira Cain-N'Degeocello.
I'm here to get your approval
on a variety of changes
to your school's curricula,
with the full blessing of state governor
Gavin Newsom before his term
tragically ends.
We have developed
over the last year an exciting new program
called the Compulsory
Gender Reversal Year.
"Reversal"?
All children age 10 will be made
to spend a year as the opposite gender...
-What the...
-Are you kidding me?
...to the one they were
assigned with at birth.
Hard no. Hard no.
Why would I have my son
dress like a girl for a year?
Let's not judge it.
Children who excel at the yearlong trial
will be given the option
to join the "Make It Stick Program,"
where they will have
the opportunity to undergo
semi-permanent
gender reassignment surgery.
Oh, my God!
To make it fun, children can choose
celebrities they admire.
This is Timmy. He chose
Kim Kardashian's buttocks.
-[woman 1] Wait.
-[woman 2] What the...
-Are you kidding?
-[parents grumbling]
[Nira] This is Timmy.
Can Timmy choose to vote?
Can he choose to drive?
Can he choose to join the military?
A child called Charlotte.
She was a fan of Orlando Bloom,
and chose his phallus.
Look how joyful Charlie is.
That's a porno... That is sick.
What? Not now.
Boss. Boss, we have a problem.
-What's this? I'm sorry.
-[breathing heavily]
It's him.
-He's back.
-[tense music playing]
[Visser] Okay, so what we're going to do
is first do an entrance.
You're going to go in the back,
and you're going to come out here.
Then you're going to do a dance routine.
And then
there's going to be the monologue.
-Check this out.
-All right. Who wrote that?
Um... [clears throat]
I wrote it... uh, originally.
-All right. For real.
-That's correct. Yeah.
Then we're playing on the Elon Musk thing,
where he was speaking to the audience,
and he said, you know,
"I love you" kind of thing.
But why is that me love you?
That's just, you know...
[Ali G] Yo, that's what he did?
-Yeah, what he did.
-So, he's full of love?
-Yeah, he's full of love.
-All right, so...
And you're going to go
to the audience and say,
although like, basically, "Free Speech."
But go like, "Free Speech."
For real, so, "Free Speech."
All right, as long
as that's spreading the love.
-Big up.
-That's it.
[announcer reading]
[announcer] Tomorrow, 2:00 p.m.
No!
Manu.
[Manu] Yes, sir.
I have it!
If I can't stop Ali G,
I'll destroy the one person
that he truly cares about.
His Julie.
How will we do that?
By kidnapping her.
You want us to kidnap her?
No, of course we won't.
We're going to get some
conspiracy theorists to kidnap her for us.
We just need to find an authority figure
that these people would take orders from.
Ooh. What about this
Scottish lesbian psychopath?
Burger houses changed fashion cafes.
[Manu] Too expensive.
And how about him?
[speaking Hebrew]
[in English] My name Colonel Erran Morad.
I am the Terrorist Terminator.
ISIS are scared
of being seen as homo.
-You know what it mean? Homo?
-Ah, yeah. Yeah.
If your buttock touch them,
it means they have become a...
Homosexual.
Now I am going to teach you
how to use your buttocks
to intimidate ISIS.
If you want to win, you show some skin.
Now, try to touch me. Go!
[grunting]
-Go, go, go.
-[grunting]
I'll touch you.
I'll make you a homosexual.
You drop that gun, right now.
-USA! USA!
-Okay!
This is our guy. We have found he/him.
[martial music playing]
My name Colonel Erran Morad.
I was in the Mossad...
I mean I was not in the Mossad
for 15 years.
I have been in 14 terror attacks,
and I have started two.
Nice.
Is there racism in this country?
Unfortunately, yes.
[Erran] Who is it mainly against?
Uh, believe it or not, me.
The Left doesn't want to hear the truth,
-and the truth is assimilating to them...
-[Erran] Of course.
...that... that we are
in fact the racists.
Yes. And who are you?
My name is Michael Aboud.
I'm the Republican Party
Chairman of El Paso County.
I'm the one that's
starting to breathe life
back into this party.
Uh, we've seen a lot of, uh,
the illegal immigrants coming through.
There's a huge amount of terrorism.
Uh, gangs are hanging people
from their overpasses, uh,
way too often.
You have millions of good Americans
who don't know what to do.
We got to show them they can do something.
And what did Biden do?
He fucked this country up.
Was he as bad as Hitler?
Worse.
We have people that won't assimilate
into our country and take our values.
Is there a genocide
against white conservatives?
Yes. Yeah.
[Erran] You have to keep America America.
Mm.
You are the indigenous people
of this country,
you must keep this country
true to what it always was.
-Hell yeah, dude.
-Yes.
Do not be fooled.
These immigrants are not coming here
to mow your lawn, trim your trees,
rake your leaves, clean your house,
care for your babies, your parents,
bus your tables, wash your cars,
pick fruits and vegetables in the fields,
clean your hotel rooms,
schools, offices, hospitals,
paint your houses, build your fences,
operate slaughterhouses,
install your roofs, drywall,
plumbing or electric.
They are coming to kill you.
Hell yeah, man.
We are here to help you.
Thank you.
We're going to teach you about new weapons
coming out of Israel.
Are you interested?
-Fuck yeah, dude. I'm in.
-Yeah.
Okay, this is the height
of Israeli engineering.
It is the... [speaking Hebrew]
[in English] A way to protect the men,
the soldiers, from penis hot inside.
-What's that?
-[Erran] Penis hot inside.
Do you want to be?
Fuck no. I'm not
getting fucked in the ass.
So, you better learn
how to use the... [speaking Hebrew]
-[in English] Hell yeah.
-Who want to try this on?
Take off your pants. Don't be shy.
[exhilarating music playing]
Right up here.
Pants off.
Good, good, good.
I'm putting in live round.
You won't feel anything.
Do you want them to grab your schmeckel?
No.
[Erran] So we have a fake one.
What they don't know
is the schmeckel is the firing mechanism.
You do it about 15 to 25 times.
The pressure increase and it will fire.
You want to pump yourself
or you want him to pump you?
I... I'm more of
a pump myself kind of guy.
Okay. So you take the... [speaking Hebrew]
then... [speaking Hebrew]
[repeats Hebrew words]
[in English] Please explain to him.
Hold with one hand,
-pump with the other.
-Pump the other.
Just the... [speaking Hebrew]
-[in English] Just... Can I?
-[Aboud] Just the head.
-[Erran] Just the head.
-[Aboud] Just pump that.
[recruits repeating Hebrew words]
[gunshot]
[Erran] It's your lucky day.
We have visitor from
Immigration Control. ICE.
He will be here in about 45 minute.
-[door closes]
-[tense music playing]
[clock ticking]
I am Field Director Richard Edmonds
from California Immigration Control.
We need your help.
There is an extremely dangerous
LatinX druglord on the loose
who goes by the name of Ali G.
His real name is Alejandro Gonzales.
And he's the head
of El Salvador's deadliest cartel,
Los Chicos del Callejn.
In English, the Backstreet Boys.
Okay.
Gonzales' pregnant girlfriend "Mi Julia,"
has gone into labor
just two miles from here.
Let's take a look at why I need you today.
[boys chanting over video]
Virgin, virgin, virgin.
[Ali G] You is a virgin.
I ain't a virgin!
I has boned 14,000 honeys.
Each one got a batty like a peach,
and with them ladies
I has had ten kids each.
[Nira] That's right,
this monster has had 140,000 children.
Wow.
[Nira] And now he is planning an invasion.
The moment Mia Julia's anchor baby
is born on American soil,
its 140,000 siblings
will become immediate American citizens.
Now listen
to what these patriots I met with in DC
want you to know about Gonzales.
[pleasant music playing over video]
This is Alejandro Gonzales,
head of Los Chicos del Callejon,
guilty of drug running, murder,
and cultural appropriation.
Gonzales has 140,000 children
which means that this one man
has a higher birth rate than Iceland.
In ten years' time,
Gonzales' family,
along with millions of others,
will have more members
than the United States Army,
Navy, Air Force, Marines,
Coast Guard, and Space Force combined.
In ten years' time,
the Gonzales family will consume
40% of the nation's rice and beans.
That's actual FBI data.
[Aboud] Wow.
Colonel Erran Morad
will pick two of you
to go undercover as ambulance workers,
pick up Mia Julia and transport her
and the unborn baby to Mexico,
so that she gives birth there. Understood?
[recruits] Yes.
If successful, your president
will be shown this mission.
Good luck.
-[cell phone ringing]
-[Me Julie screaming]
G, it's me. I'm still in San Diego.
They wouldn't let me fly.
I'm too pregnant.
[sighing] I really feel like
the baby's coming, you know.
I need you to be here, please!
[over phone] I'm sharing you
my location. Come quick.
[knock on door, door opens]
-[Ali G] Yo.
-Yo.
You know, I said that I was like,
my girl, we kind of split up.
-The thing is...
-Right.
...she's giving birth right now,
so maybe we delay the show a bit.
No, there's other fish in the sea, man.
There's other fish in the sea. Always.
Get changed, get ready.
Right. See you now.
[cell phone buzzing]
[buzzing stops]
[sighs deeply]
[Erran] What we will need to do
is we will need
to have an ambulance and to pick her up.
I need to just speak
to my handler from the Mossad...
I mean, not from the Mossad.
[speaks Hebrew]
[in Hebrew over phone]
Mummy, can I borrow the falafel truck?
[in English] Hello, Erran.
[in Hebrew] Yes, you can have it.
You're not allowed to use it
to pick up hookers.
[speaks Hebrew]
[in English] I have authorization
from my Mossad commander
to turn falafel truck into ambulance.
[exhilarating music playing]
Uh, hey, real quick question.
Who has heard of our host, Ali G? Anybody?
Okay. Well, he's amazing.
You're going to love him.
He's a free speech champion
who was cruelly canceled
by the woke brigade.
All right, Ali, are you ready to make
the world a better place, my friend?
[Ali G over speakers] Yeah, for real.
[man] Here he comes. Five, four, three...
[excitedly] Ali G!
[rock music playing]
Yeah. All right. Yes, back! For real!
Booyakasha! I is back!
I has got me show back, so suck it, HBO.
This is The Free Speech Show.
[audience cheering]
Yo, make some noise for me new DJ,
-the QAnon Shaman!
-[audience cheering]
[Ali G] Bo, bo, bo, bo, respect. Respect.
Now, you has all probably
heard about the woke nonsense
going around this country, innit?
In the country of South Africa...
"In the country of South Africa..."
...I has seen this wokeness
and all the terrible things it has done,
as Black illegals have...
[underbreath]
This ain't racialist, though, is it?
This ain't racialist, is it?
Just say the words.
That... That will be the future of the US
once woke has been allowed to grow
-beyond where it is now.
-"...beyond where it is now."
Booyakasha!
[audience cheering]
Don't go anywhere 'cause we
is gonna be right back, innit?
-Westside!
-[audience cheering]
[Erran] Let go over the plan.
She needs to think that we are hospital
workers until we get to the border.
-[Loudermilk] Keep her calm.
-[Aboud] Oh, okay. Okay.
-[Erran] Yeah.
-We're here to take care of you.
[Erran] Not a big deal. Yeah.
-No big deal.
-[Erran] "Hey, how are you?"
-Yeah, relax.
-Paramedics, just relax.
Yo, wicked Westside, welcome back.
Now we's got a competition
called Final Solution,
where I will be playing El Collaborator.
[audience laughing]
Now let's meet
our contestant who is a genuine patriot.
Please welcome Jason Hall, innit.
[audience cheering]
Yo, respect. Respect.
And recently released
from death row, George Santos.
[audience cheering]
-Yo.
-What's up?
[Ali G] Now, let's play Round Up.
You are both gonna get the chance to win
by rounding up undesirables,
progressives, hackademics, liberal judges,
pro-vaxxers, and illegals.
You's gonna have to round up
as many as you can,
and stick them in these showers.
Once you got them all in the showers,
you're gonna fill them with this gas.
On your marks, get set, go!
-[audience cheering]
-[exciting music playing]
Get as many babies as you can.
[martial music playing]
[Erran] We do this every day, okay?
Help your buddy. Here she is.
[Loudermilk] Gotcha.
It's okay. Come on. We got you.
[Erran] Help her.
[Aboud] Come on,
let's get you up in there.
[Erran] In here. Take her here.
[Loudermilk] I'm going to get up here
and I'm going to help you
get up. You ready?
-One, two, three.
-[groaning]
There you go.
We got your bed right there.
-You're in good hands.
-[Me Julie] Oh, my God.
[Ali G] Close your doors!
Close your doors!
[Hall] Can't find the door.
[gas hissing]
[Ali G] All right. Wicked.
What are the lessons you learned
for the big and brave
ICE agents out there?
-I set myself up for that one.
-[Ali G] Come on.
Take more babies, I guess. [laughs]
[Ali G] All right! All right!
Come on, do the Elon.
When I say "free," you say "speech."
-Free.
-[both] Speech!
-[Ali G] Free.
-[both] Speech!
-[Ali G] Free.
-[both] Speech!
-[Ali G] Free.
-[both] Speech!
-[Ali G] Free.
-[both] Speech!
[audience chanting]
Free speech! Free speech! Free speech!
-[continues chanting]
-[somber music playing]
[Ali G] Me started picking up subtle clues
that this show wasn't entirely
about peace and love.
Me realized that all these people
was happy to recreate
the Holocaust in America, innit?
Me was thinking,
where did me recognize that hand signal?
[crowd cheering]
No, that's not it.
That's it.
Make sure that the contestants
use the Zyklon-B.
[voice echoing] It sounds unethnical.
What are you thinking?
[Ali G] Me Julie was right.
Me is off.
[Visser] What do you mean, "Me is off"?
I is off to be a dad.
You're going to be a father
the rest of your life any case.
[Ali G] No, no, no, no, no. I is out.
[Visser] Ali?
Ali?
What's, uh... What's the problem now?
[Ali G] No, I don't like
the whole vibe here
and me don't wanna be there.
[Visser] Let's try and sort it out.
No, no, no. I is into
increasing the peace,
you is into increasing the hate.
There's a thing with parody, and jokes,
and reality and life.
-You know?
-Yeah, well what is this
-meant to be, then?
-It's a serious message
about immigration, that's all it is.
Yeah, but me don't like that message.
That message is whack.
Me is into immigration.
Me is into mixing it up.
Black, white, brown, or Pakistani,
we all come from the same place, innit?
The punani!
I is off. I's gonna be a dad.
Me go get Julie
Me go get Julie
Me is on me way to watch
the most beautiful thing in the world.
Me honey shitting out a baby
out of her battyhole.
Oh, really? Very nice.
All right, she's got, uh...
her location is moving.
I think she's in an ambulance
or something.
But me just want to be there.
Okay, well, we'll find her.
I'm sure she's in very safe hands.
[Me Julie groaning] The baby's coming!
-[Erran] Keep it in.
-We're almost there.
It's just your cervix expanding.
Hold it in. Keep your legs together.
I'm going to put my hand right here.
We're going to lock your legs.
It's like a locked door.
Baby ain't coming out.
I can't have her give birth
in this, uh, truck.
I've already got a B health rating.
We need to find a medical center fast!
Yallah! Let go!
We... We need to go faster
'cause me can't miss this.
Can we go through the red light?
-No. No.
-What? Why not?
'Cause I'm not going to jail for your...
for your, uh... for your mistake.
[tense music playing]
-[door thuds]
-[alarm blaring]
[Erran] You guys go in there.
Put the lights on.
Go and get electricity, right?
[Aboud] Electricity, yes, sir.
[whispering] Okay. Good luck with that.
[whispering] Thank you.
Sean, get a move on!
I can't go anywhere.
We're in the middle of traffic.
Just put the siren on then.
The siren will work.
No.
[siren wailing over cell phone]
Move aside!
All right, it'll crank now, guys.
[engine whirring]
There we go. See how quick and easy.
-[Loudermilk] There we go.
-[Aboud] All right.
[Erran] It's on! Let go!
-Okay, let's put these on.
-[Me Julie groaning]
[Erran] Coming!
I'm not delivering a baby. You get to.
-Okay.
-[Loudermilk] I'll do it.
Okay, remember,
we've got to stop it landing on the soil.
It cannot touch the bed.
Let's get this. Let's go. Let's go.
-[Erran] Yes. Come on. We got it.
-[Me Julie groaning]
-Okay.
-[Loudermilk] All right, Julia.
[groaning] It's coming out!
[Erran] Hey, close the door.
Close the door.
Julia, I'm going to catch your baby.
It's coming out my ass! [groaning]
-Okay.
-You go here.
Here, here, you stand here.
I need you to hold my hand.
-I got you. I got you.
-Okay.
-[Aboud] I got this one. You get that.
-[Erran] Okay.
All right.
Now, when I say push, you're gonna push.
After... [speaking Hebrew]
[counts in Hebrew]
-[in English] Push!
-[Me Julie grunting]
Oh, yeah, I see his head coming.
Okay, you're going to have to try harder.
-Keep pushing.
-You cannot let it
touch the ground. All right?
How about you hold that?
-You keep your hands there. Okay.
-Yep.
-Come on, baby.
-[counts in Hebrew]
-[in English] Push!
-[Me Julie groaning]
It's all right. It's okay.
Okay. Don't worry, it's just molecules.
It's just molecules. Just molecules.
Remember the mission.
-Remember the mission.
-Okay.
-One, two, three, push!
-[Me Julie screaming]
-Come on, little one, come on.
-Come on.
-I got you.
-Okay, we got you.
-One, two, three, push!
-[Me Julie screaming]
I got it. I got it. Give me. Okay, okay.
Clamp! Clamp! Come, come, come.
-Clamp. Okay.
-[baby crying]
-It's breathing.
-Oh, you hear that?
-You hear that?
-It's breathing!
Congratulations, Mama.
[Erran] Congratulations!
It's a baby terrorist.
Just putting it in here.
Why are you putting it in a bag?
-We got to keep germs away from this baby.
-[Erran] It's insulated.
-We cannot just put it on the ground.
-It's okay. The baby is fine.
No, I need my baby. Give me my baby!
[Erran] I'm just going to take the baby.
-[Aboud] What the fuck?
-Hey, hey, come back in here!
I'm going to take the baby
to check the vitals.
-[Erran] Yeah.
-And we'll bring it
right back. Let me take the baby.
Who are you? You ain't doctors!
-You just get cleaned up here.
-You ain't doctors!
[Erran] Yes, we are doctors.
-There, there, there.
-You're not real doctors...
Ow! What are you doing?
[Loudermilk] And we gotta do
the little prick test
to make sure everything's good. Okay?
[Erran] We're going
to clear the baby. Okay.
-Got it?
-We got it. Okay.
Okay, let's go.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Okay, great, great.
Okay, hold on. Hold on, please.
I should've let you catch the baby.
[blows raspberry] No.
I wasn't going to do it no matter what.
[Erran] Everything is good.
Wait, we need to wash, wipe his face down.
-We're going to wipe everything down.
-[cell phone ringing]
-There's a sink down there.
-Thank you.
The mission is not over.
You need to get the baby to
Mexico by any means necessary.
[Erran] Okay. Okay.
[Nira] I'm going to send coordinates
where a drone will pick up that little
cultural appropriating terrorist.
Understood?
We're going to take the baby to Mexico.
-Okay?
-Yeah.
What a mess. Never had that before.
[Loudermilk] Yeah. Being shit on? Yeah.
-Okay, let's get going.
-All right.
[dramatic music playing]
[Ali G] Thank you, my brother.
I'm gonna give you a tip. Here, take that.
-You're giving me fake 20's.
-Thank you, brother.
-Get out of the car.
-Ten stars out of five, innit.
Pete Jive ass motherfucker. Damn.
[honks horn]
Me Julie?
Me Julie? Julie!
Me is here. Me is here to see
the baby come out.
Me Julie? [kisses]
Babes, wake up. We's gonna have a baby.
Babes.
Babes, I'm so sorry.
You came.
Of course 'cause me love you.
What, is you doing OnlyFans again?
-[weakly] No.
-What?
My baby. The baby's gone.
-What?
-There was three men.
What... What three men?
There was like, uh, in a fake ambulance.
They was fake doctors.
They've got the baby.
You've got to go get the baby.
[rousing music plays]
Don't worry, babes.
I is gonna get our baby back.
Even if it's a girl.
I love you.
[rousing music continues]
Give me baby back!
Give me baby back!
[tense music playing]
-[Loudermilk] Let's go!
-[Erran] We're doing this for America.
[baby crying]
[Erran] Air support is coming.
Okay, here's the plan.
We're going to put the baby in the drone
and fly it to Mexico.
[clears throat]
[sighs]
It's coming down.
Okay, you, soldier.
Put the baby in. Hook it in.
-Phil, grab it.
-[Erran] Hook it in.
Grab the top. Grab the top. Here.
Okay, put the baby in. Close it up.
I am engine flying. Okay, let's go!
-Mexi-go!
-[Loudermilk] Mexi-go!
-Let's go!
-We did it!
We saved America.
-Great job. Fantastic.
-Thanks. Thank you. We're good.
[Erran] Okay, keep
an eye on for that road and that road.
Oh, there's someone coming right here.
Okay, have a look. Who is it?
[Ali G] Give me my baby!
[Aboud] It's, uh,
-Gonzales. It's Gonzales.
-[Loudermilk] Gonzales.
[Erran] Okay, get the... [speaking Hebrew]
[in English] Get your ass...
Get your ass down the road.
[Ali G] You give me my baby back now!
Hold on to that. Keep an eye on that.
Try to get it moving.
Okay. [hawks and spits]
Okay. Let go. [speaking Hebrew]
-[in English] Come on.
-[repeats Hebrew word]
[in English] I'm aimed right?
I'm aimed right?
[Aboud] He's aiming you. He's aiming you.
[Erran] Yeah, aim out.
Go down. Stay there.
-What's it say?
-[Aboud] Low power.
Low power? That means when you land,
it will become an American citizen.
Okay, you have to release the baby.
Release the baby.
[baby crying]
[Erran] German Michael,
save the white race and kill the baby.
Drop the baby.
-Hey, no, no! Don't drop him!
-[Erran] Yeah, drop the baby.
-Drop the baby.
-[Aboud] How?
-[Erran] Don't know. Release.
-[Aboud] Oh, confirm.
That not your baby!
Confirm. Confirm.
-[drone creaking]
-[baby crying]
[echoing] Hey! That's my baby!
[somber music playing]
[inspirational music building]
[music concludes]
And that is your story.
It's how you got to be here, innit?
Anyway, listen up,
this guy from ICE turns up.
[Nira] What's going on, patriots?
[Aboud] Just in time. He's got him.
[Ali G] And he tells them
to kill me and you.
Because them thought
me was a Latino gangsta.
We know who you are and you're not
going to have a baby in America.
We know, Alejandro...
Alejandro Gonzales. We know who you are.
What? Alejandro, what?
[Erran] We know how
many children you have. Tell him.
You got 140,000.
[Ali G] Then your mum turned up, innit.
There's no time for you
to be walking. No, no, no.
Go back, Me Julie.
[Aboud] You got to stay here.
You got to stay here.
[Erran] Give me the baby.
Never. You is gonna have
to kill me first, innit.
[Erran] Okay, let's kill him.
-No! No, no, no.
-[Erran] Ready? Okay.
[Erran and Joshua speaking Hebrew]
[in English] Please.
Please stop. Please don't kill him.
They was just
about to pop a cap from their ass
and kill us both.
[Nira] Kill this cultural appropriator!
Wait, wait.
Me know that voice. Me know you.
Yo, me know him.
Me boned him.
Me put me dong in him battycrease.
Luckily, me had the evidence.
[Erran] He say it's footage
of them having sex.
Oh, no, I don't want to see that.
[Erran] Okay, unzip him.
-[Loudermilk] Oh.
-[Aboud] Oh, look, Antifa.
[Erran] Okay, I'd like to apologize.
It was an honest mistake.
[Ali G] But the bomboclaat
professor wouldn't give up.
[dramatic music playing]
Luckily, your mum was well clever.
-[gunshot]
-[Nira yells]
-[Nira groaning]
-Then them tried to kill Nira.
Here, I'm gonna
get nice and close. Let me know when.
[Ali G] Stop, stop, stop.
You need to move to the right.
-[Ali G] What is you doing?
-[pumping]
-[Aboud] There you go.
-[Ali G] Yo, just stop it!
Just 'cause somebody
don't have the same political views as you
don't mean you has to kill him.
[Loudermilk] Yes, it is. Eliminate him.
[Nira groans]
We is all the same
under our masks. Me, you, him.
[man] I'm not. I'm a body double.
Shut up. Please stop wanking, mate.
A dong is for creating life,
not taking it away.
Let's do it for the next generation.
For me baby.
And for me wife.
[as Borat] My wife!
[in normal voice]
Love that film. Still holds up.
What?
[Ali G] So the lesson is, little man,
don't tell lies,
'cause lies can get people killed, innit.
Me Julie?
What?
Will you wife me?
Of course I will, you bellend. [sniffles]
Now he's ruining his life getting married.
That's a terrible thing to do.
[Ali G] Anyway,
me got in touch with me dad, Rocky Atkins.
Him turns out to be an Elvis impersonator.
[Ali G exclaims]
It seems that me inherited
the cultural appropriating gene, innit.
Here, can you take ASAP Rocky Atkins Jr.?
Come on, big boy.
You is family, innit.
[Father] I am now going to ask do you,
Ali McG, a proud Scottish man,
take before Jah...
[whispering] I love you.
[Father] ...Julie Kate Middleton Harris
to be your lawful wedded partner
till death doth you part?
[softly] What was the question?
[over mic] Do you...
Too loud. Too loud. 'Cause it's...
[whisper] You's gotta whisper because...
Oh, oh.
[whispering] Do you, Ali McG,
promise to love her very truly?
[whispering] Me, Ali McG,
promise to love you very truly.
[popping mouth rapidly]
[Father] Julie Kate Middleton Harris,
AKA FootBitch44.
I now declare you man and wife.
You may bone the bride.
[Ali G] We was married
and we was happy, innit.
And guess what?
Me got a hit new telly show,
where me could finally be
me authentical self.
[bagpipe and hip-hop fusion music playing]
Come on
Come on
[speaking Scots]
[in English] I is here with
none other than my main man,
Ambassador Khazar Ibrahim.
Him from a country called Azerbaijan.
Lot of people have heard about it.
Has you met Harry Potter?
Uh, no, I didn't meet Harry Potter.
But did them film
Harry Potter and the Prisoner
of Azerbaijan in your country?
No. No, absolutely not.
So, these things, uh, do not happen.
[Ali G] And I bet you was wondering
what happened to Dr. Nira.
Him was canceled for boning me
without something called "consent."
Me'll tell you more
about that in the morning
before you suck on your mom's swingers.
Aw. Time to sleep, little bubba.
Don't worry, we's gonna be next door
making you a little sister.
[speaking Scots]
[cooing]
[softly] Night, night.
[R&B music playing]
Yo, one-two, one-two
This be Ali G
Listen up, ya bomboclaats
Put me dong in your punani
Me flip you round
Battyhole shiny
We was once two
Now we gonna be three
Come, my Julie
Let's make a family
Come, my Julie
Let's make a family
My Julie...
[man] We would have a joining area here
we would hide with a sheet,
so she could just get into it.
-I'm ready for my close-up.
-[laughter]
One, two, it's coming, it's coming.
And then a big 12 pound...
[speaking Hebrew]
[in English] Yeah. Does this move?
Would this one move?
[man] That one doesn't.
This one behind you is its double...
Yo, there's a rumble in the jungle.
Good. Good, soldier.
If you want him to leave,
please join with me.
What a moron.
Fuck you.
Thanks for having me, son.
Bye-bye.
I don't know if that was good.
[Cohen] That was great.
Come, my Julie
Let's make a family
Come, my Julie
Let's make a family
My sweet Julie
Time to make a mini G
Two-foot, big-dick VIP
Sippin' on milk and Hennessy
He be smokin' crack
by the age of three
Don't need to buy him
no Lego bricks
He be pimpin' hoes
by the age of six
By the age of nine
He'll be doin' time
On death row for a violent crime
Respect
Out come the little person
Mash up your beef curtains
Swingers gonna sag
Like potatoes in a bin bag
We'll get a plastic surgeon
Thanks
Nine months was worth it
Came out lookin' perfect
Hold on, him got small dick
So you did bone Rick
It's yours
Is you certain?
Put me dong in your punani
Me flip you round
Battyhole shiny
We was once two
Now we gonna be three
Come, my Julie
Let's make a family
Come, my Julie
Let's make a family
My sweet Julie
Yo, me is your son.
Me love you. Me forgive you.
What the fuck?
[Ali G] Two peas in an iPod.
Yo, is that real?
[Ali G] That's real. Me had it done.
Me love you.
Is you Rihanna?
So you is me stepmom.
Me got this tat done for you.
You told me that you is me dad.
"I can't wait to meet you, ASAP, Rocky."
Bro, it says,
"I can't wait to meet you, ASAP."
As soon as possible.
And his name is Rocky. Look, bro.
This is Ali G. This is the Ali G.
Yo. I grew up on your shit, bro.
Booyakasha.
What the fuck are you doing in my trailer
talking about you my fucking son?
-Booyakasha.
-His hair looks a lot like yours.
What the fuck does
that even mean? Like, what...
Yeah. Yeah, it's suspicious.
How is we
not related if we got similar hair?
Out of respect for me pops...
Stop fucking calling me your dad, bro.
...if me was doing homework
and you was coming out of the shower,
they ain't gonna be no bonin'.
-[sighs]
-Me has watched
a lot of documentaries
on the stepmom thing.
I'm not your pops, bro.
It's scientifically impossible.
Now get the fuck out my trailer.
Please do not speak
to my stepson like that.
[reggae music playing]
Ali, Ali, Ali, Ali, Ali
Ali, Ali, Ali, Ali, Ali
Ali
Ali, Ali G
Here we go
We got to stop the killing
We got to stop the moaning
Why is we fighting
When we all could be boning?
Respect to the old folk
Respect to the kids
Respect to the Hindus
Respect to the Yids
Black, white, brown
Yellow or Pakistani
Ya from the same place
Ya mama punani
Stop the hate
Keep it real!
Increase the love
One love!
You got to love
your mother
Even though
she not Rihanna
Oh
Ali, Ali, Ali, Ali, Ali
Ali, Ali, Ali, Ali, Ali
Ali
Ali, Ali G
Jah
Come save the nations
No more confrontations
We need an Ali celebration
Jah
Jah!
Come save the nations
Come down!
No more confrontations
We need you!
We need an Ali celebration
Increase the peace!
Save us from
all the bomboclaats
Booyakasha!