Ali Wong: Baby Cobra (2016) Movie Script

[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage: Ali Wong!
[upbeat theme music]
[audience cheering and applauding]
- Hi. Hello! Welcome! Thank you!
- [crowd cheers]
Thank you for coming. Hello!
We are gonna have to
get this shit over with,
'cause I have to pee in,
like, ten minutes.
But thank you, everybody,
so much for coming. Um...
It's a very exciting day for me.
It's been a very exciting year for me.
I turned 33 this year.
- [people whooping]
- Yes! Thank you, five people.
- I appreciate that.
- [laughter]
Uh, I can tell that I'm getting older,
because, now, when I see
an 18-year-old girl,
my automatic thought...
- is "Fuck you."
- [laughter]
"Fuck you.
I don't even know you, but fuck you!"
'Cause I'm straight up jealous.
I'm jealous, first and foremost,
of their metabolism.
Because 18-year-old girls,
they could just eat like shit,
and then they take a shit
and have a six-pack, right?
They got that-that beautiful
inner thigh clearance
where they put their feet together
and there's that huge gap here
with the light of potential
just radiating through.
- [vocalizing]
- [laughter]
And then, when they go to sleep,
they just go to sleep.
Right? They don't have insomnia yet.
They don't know what it's like
to have to take a Ambien
or download a Meditation Oasis podcast
to calm the chatter of regret
and resentment towards your family
just cluttering your mind.
They have their whole lives
ahead of them.
They don't have HPV yet.
They just go to sleep in peace at night.
Everybody has HPV, OK?
Everybody has it. It's OK.
Come out already. Everybody has it.
If you don't have it yet,
you go and get it.
- [laughter]
- You go and get it. It's coming.
You don't have HPV yet,
you're a fucking loser, all right?
That's what that says about you.
A lot of men don't know
that they have HPV,
because it's undetectable in men.
It's really fucked up. HPV is a ghost
that lives inside men's bodies
- and says, "Boo!" in women's bodies.
- [laughter]
My doctor told me that I have
one of two strains of HPV.
Either I have the kind
that's gonna turn into cervical cancer...
or I have the kind
where my body will heal itself.
Very helpful, this doctor, right?
So, basically, either I'm gonna die...
or you're in the presence
of Wolverine, bitches.
[chuckles] We'll find out.
Um, I can also tell
that I'm getting older,
because my Kindle
is turning into a self-help library.
I'm not interested in books
like Fifty Shades of Grey, OK?
I'm interested in
The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.
Yes. Yes, that's right,
how to declutter my home
to achieve inner peace
and my optimum level of success.
That's what your 30s is all about.
How can I turn this shit around?
I'm a horrible person,
I'm not happy with where I am,
how can I turn this shit around?
Help me, Tony Robbins, help me!
I have a hoarding problem,
which I'm hoping is the center
of all of my other problems.
I'm hoping that if the hoarding
goes away, the HPV will also disappear.
I have a hoarding problem because my mom
is from a third world country
and she taught me that you can
never throw away anything,
because you never know when a dictator's
gonna overtake the country
and snatch all your wealth.
So, you better hold onto
that retainer from the third grade,
'cause it might come in handy as a shovel
when you're busy
stuffing gold up your butt
- and running away from the Communists.
- [laughter]
The last time I was at home
in San Francisco,
I was trying to help her get rid of shit.
Don't ever do that with your mom. It was
like the worst experience of my life.
It was so emotional.
We were screaming and fighting
and yelling and it all came to a climax
when she refused to let go
of a Texas Instruments TI-82...
The manual. She don't even know...
where the calculator is.
Those of you under 25
probably don't know
what that calculator is.
It was this calculator
that bamboozled my generation.
We were all required to buy it
when we were in eight grade.
- It cost like $200.
- [audience members cheering]
And everybody thought it was like
this Judy Jetson's laptop from the future.
All because what?
- It could graph.
- [laughter]
It was like the Tesla of my time.
And my mom got so emotional
about the manual
and she was like, "You never know
when you might need this."
And I was like, "But... I do know...
that I'm gonna have to
clean all this shit up when you die."
"And I'm not trying to be
a procrastinator anymore.
Because according to Deepak-Oprah,
that's not the way for me to achieve
my optimum level of success."
I grew up a lot this past year.
Uh, this past year I also got married.
- [audience cheering]
- Yeah.
- To a man who now has HPV.
- [laughter]
Very lucky guy.
He gave me something.
- I gave him something.
- [laughter]
That will also last forever.
No, really. I'm the lucky girl,
because before him,
I dated a lot of losers.
Lots of losers. A lot of skaters.
You wanna be a grown-ass woman,
stop dating skaters.
Stop dating skaters unless you
wanna wake up on a mattress in a kitchen.
They're sexy on the outside,
malt liquor on the inside.
But my husband, I first met him
at this wedding
and, uh, he's--
he's much better looking than me,
he's way out of my league,
and I saw him and I was like,
"Oh, my God, who is that?"
And the first thing I learned about him
was that, at the time,
he was attending Harvard Business School.
And I was like, "Oh, my God,
I'm gonna trap his ass."
"Going to trap his ass!"
And I trapped his ass initially
by not kissing him until the fifth date,
which is a very unusual move on my part.
But I did it on purpose,
because I knew that he was a catch.
So I was like, "All right, Ali,
you gotta make this dude believe
that your body is a secret garden."
When, really, it's a public park...
that has hosted many reggae fests...
and has even accidentally let...
two homeless people inside.
- I thought they were hipsters, OK?
- [laughter]
That store Urban Outfitters
has made things very confusing...
for my generation.
You homeless or you a hipster?
Is that beard for fashion or for warmth?
It happened to...
It happened in San Francisco,
when I was living there,
and I saw this guy in broad daylight
and we had, like, we had...
We had so much chemistry.
He was like, "Hey, wassup?"
I was like, "Wassup?"
[chuckling] And we--
The next thing I knew,
we were getting busy
in the back of my Volvo.
And then after we were done,
he was like, "Hey, can you drop me off?"
I was like, "Where?"
He was like, "At the park."
And I dropped him off at Golden Gate Park
and watched him run into the middle
with all his other homeless friends,
- and I was like, "Oh, no!"
- [laughter]
"I just fucked a homeless dude!
- Again!"
- [laughter]
My husband is Asian.
Which a lot of people are shocked by,
because, usually,
Asian-American women who, like,
you know, wear these kinda glasses
and have a lot of opinions,
they like to date white dudes.
You go to any hipster neighborhood
in a major city in America
and that shit
is turning into a Yoko Ono factory.
It's... too much. I don't know
what's wrong with these bitches.
I get it, you know,
because being with a white dude
you feel very...
You feel very picturesque
when you're with a white dude, you know.
You feel like you're
in a Wes Anderson movie or something.
And you know, white dudes, they
teach you about a lot of cool stuff
like voting and recycling,
and disturbing documentaries.
They introduce you
to cool stuff like that
and it's very, you know, it's hot
hookin' up with a white dude.
I mean, nothing makes me feel
more powerful
than when a white dude eats my pussy.
Oh, my God.
I just feel like I'm absorbing
all of that privilege
- and all of that entitlement...
- [laughter]
you know, just right there,
through the money hole and just...
And then also,
he's so vulnerable down there.
I'm, like, "I could just crush your head
at any moment, white man!
I could just kill you right now!
Crush those brains!
Colonize the colonizer!" You know?
But I think that for marriage,
it can be nice to be
with somebody of your own race.
The advantage is that
you get to go home...
- and be racist together.
- [laughter]
You get to say whatever you like!
You don't gotta explain shit.
My husband, half-Filipino, half-Japanese.
I'm half-Chinese and half-Vietnamese.
And we spend 100 percent of our time
shitting on Korean people.
- It's... amazing.
- [laughter]
It's what love is built on, you know?
My last boyfriend was Cuban
and his family would shit
on Mexican people all the time.
And I was like, "Hold it.
- You guys aren't Mexican?"
- [laughter]
Asian-American men are very underrated.
I don't know why people
don't go for them. They're the sexiest.
Asian men are the sexiest.
- They got no body hair from the neck down.
- [laughter]
It's like making love to a dolphin.
Oh, my God. It's so smooth,
just like a slip and slide.
Just black fish, Tilikum,
all up in my bed every night, you know?
You mess with a Jewish dude
and your body is all fucked up afterwards.
It's all red and inflamed
and you're like,
- "I did not ask to be exfoliated today."
- [laughter]
"This is the last time I go on J-date,
more like loofah date.
Thanks for the rug burn, Avi."
And then Asian men, no body odor. None.
They just smell like responsibility.
That's where the umami flavor comes from.
I think my husband and I
have a huge unspoken understanding,
uh, between each other,
because he's half-Filipino
and half-Japanese
and I'm half-Chinese and half-Vietnamese.
So, we're both half-fancy Asian...
- and half-jungle Asian.
- [laughter]
You guys know the difference.
The fancy Asians are the Chinese,
the Japanese.
They get to do fancy things
like host Olympics.
Jungle Asians host diseases.
It's... It's different.
But he grew up on the East Coast,
going to private school,
playing lacrosse,
uh, you know, learning Latin
and playing chess and rugby.
- He grew up like Filipino Carlton, OK?
- [laughter]
So, he didn't know anything
about Vietnamese people
until he met me.
And on one of our first dates,
he took me to this restaurant
on the west side of Los Angeles
called Pho Show.
He was like, "It's authentic Vietnamese.
I read about it on Yelp!"
I was like, "It's not authentic, OK?"
You can tell, first and foremost,
by the name,
'cause it don't got a number in it.
[laughter, cheering]
Second of all,
you can tell by the bathroom.
If it was legit,
the bathroom would double
as a supply closet.
When I pee, I need to see
ten gallons of bleach, an ATM machine
and a grandma with glaucoma
napping in the corner.
And the wait staff here is too nice.
We need to leave this restaurant
deaf and emotionally abused.
I grew up going to private school, too.
Him and I are both total, like,
private school Asians.
We both are big hippies, too.
We like to backpack
through Southeast Asia.
We like to do yoga.
We do ayahuasca ceremonies.
We do silent meditation retreats.
That's right, we pay $800
to shut up for a weekend.
We do shit like that.
Uh, we eat gluten-free,
which means we eat all that bread
that tastes like free-range Chewbacca.
- We eat that lesbian bread that's like...
- [laughter]
a thousand percent
of your daily fiber...
and 20 percent spoken word poetry.
When you eat it, you queef
a shitty poem about...
supporting Caitlyn Jenner or whatever.
[crowd chuckling]
And so, it's funny, right,
because he's Asian, too.
But sometimes, all of this
hippy-dippy shit we do...
makes me feel like we are white people
doing an impression of Asian people.
Like, we have these Chinese scrolls
up on the wall...
and neither of us know
what the fuck they mean.
We're like, "Oh, that seems to go
very well with our Buddha piggy bank
- from Pier 1 Imports.
- [laughter]
That seems to be providing
some good feng shui for the house.
Him and I had been dating for four years
and I-- I just had this sneaking suspicion
that he was gonna propose...
I had been pressuring him to do it.
So, you know, I just had this
wacky women's intuition.
That's how proposals really work, OK?
A woman has to incept the idea
into the man's head.
First passively and then
if he doesn't get the message,
- extremely aggressively.
- [laughter]
You gotta threaten to leave
without ever actually leaving,
because you know that you're too old
and it's too late to go back out there
and find a new man
and start the whole manipulation cycle
all over again.
So, you're like, "I'm just gonna
stick with this dude,
focus on trapping this dude,
and just nag the shit outta him
until he becomes weak and caves in
and gets fed up and is like,
"Shut the fuck up!
Fine, will you marry me?"
And then afterwards,
the woman is always, like,
- "Oh, my God! He proposed!"
- [laughter]
"It came outta nowhere.
And look, he got me
the exact ring I wanted.
How did he know?
Maybe he saw it
on my Pinterest page or something...
that I sent to my best friend,
that I told her to send to him every day."
Let me tell you something.
If a man has a Pinterest page...
he's probably Pinterested in men.
We got engaged on a Saturday.
I bought my wedding dress
the following Tuesday...
- because I had tried it on in 2012.
- [laughter]
I was ready.
I was ripe.
I was rotten.
I need to be made into banana bread.
That's how rotten I was.
People are always very surprised
at how, off-stage, with my husband,
I'm a completely different person.
You-- Like, you would not recognize
my personality at all with him.
With him, I'm very soft,
and, like, very nurturing
and very domestic.
We've been together now for five years,
and for five years, I've packed his lunch
every single day.
- [crowd whoops, applauds]
- Yeah. Yes.
Yes. Yes.
I did that so that he'd become
dependent on me.
'Cause he graduated
from Harvard Business School,
and I don't wanna work anymore.
I don't. I straight up
don't wanna work anymore.
I don't feed him
out of the goodness of my heart.
I do it as an investment
in my financial future.
'Cause I don't wanna work anymore.
I've been reading that book
by Sheryl Sandberg,
she's the C.O.O. of Facebook,
and she wrote that book that got women
all riled up about our careers.
Talking about how we as women
should challenge ourselves
to sit at the table and rise to the top.
And her book is called Lean In.
Well, I don't wanna lean in, OK?
- I wanna lie down.
- [laughter]
I want to lie the fuck down.
I think feminism is the worst thing
that ever happened to women.
Our job used to be no job.
We had it so good.
We could have done the smart thing,
which would have been
to continue playing dumb
for the next century
and be like, "We're dumb women.
We don't know how to do anything.
So, I guess we better
just stay at home all day
and eat snacks and watch Ellen."
"'Cause we're too stupid
to have any real responsibility."
And then, all these women had to show off
and be like, "We could do it!
We could do anything."
- "Bitch, shut up!"
- [laughter]
"Don't tell them the secret."
They ruined it for us,
and now we're expected to work.
When I hear the phrase,
"Double-income household,"
I wanna throw up.
A lot of women get very upset with me
about those comments.
And they're like, "But, Ali,
we have so many more options now."
Oh, you don't think
we had a lot of options
when our day was free?
Unscheduled, unsupervised,
and most importantly, sponsored?
Do you know how much shittier food tastes
when you know you have to earn it?
A lot of my friends,
when we walk around together,
they'll get very judgmental
about housewives
that we'll see on the street.
And they'll be like,
"Look at that fucking housewife.
Not doing anything.
Look at that housewife,
just walking around all day,
getting massages in her Lululemon pants."
- I'm like, "That bitch is a genius."
- [laughter]
"She's not a housewife, she's retired."
I do write for Fresh Off the Boat
on ABC.
- [crowd whoops, applauds]
- Yeah. Which is...
It's a great show.
I love it a lot. I love my co-workers.
It's a great writing staff
and in terms of day jobs,
it's probably one of the best
you could ask for,
but I still gotta work at a office
every day.
Which means I gotta shit in a office
every day.
Housewives, they don't gotta shit
in a office.
Housewives get to shit in their house.
Skin to seat.
They don't gotta use
that horrible toilet paper cover.
They don't gotta...
ten times a day, every day...
- like you're about to eat a sad-ass meal.
- [laughter]
They don't gotta do that.
They don't gotta use
that one-ply toilet paper,
that office toilet paper,
that they purposely
make difficult to pull out.
They try to ration me
with their communist toilet paper
that's not even effective.
It basically just dehydrates
your butt hole.
It's basically like wiping your butt
with the desert.
I literally spat on my toilet paper
two days ago,
to try to make a MacGyver baby wipe,
to moisten it,
and then it backfired
'cause my fingers broke through
and digitally stimulated
more doo doo to come out,
and then I had to start all over again.
And you can never finish wiping at work
because you always feel rushed
'cause you're paranoid
that your co-worker's gonna
recognize your shoes
underneath the stall.
And you're like, "Oh, no!
Courtney's listening.
She's waiting. She's timing me."
And then you hurry, hurry, hurry,
and then you never finish wiping
and then your butt hole
feels caked in doo doo all day long.
And then if you dare scratch yourself,
your underwear at the end of the day
looks like it's been run over
by the Goonies.
Housewives, they don't gotta
muffle their shit, too.
They don't gotta worry about the velocity
with which their doo doo comes out.
They don't gotta try to, you know,
squeeze the butt cheeks together
to make sure that the doo doo comes out
at a slow and steady pace,
so that no unpredictable noise
suddenly escapes
and brings you deep, deep shame.
Housewives are free to
just blow ass into the toilet
and let it echo and reverberate
to the ends of their hallways
while watching as much Netflix
on their iPad as they want.
They don't gotta take
these boring, repressed shits.
They can listen to podcasts.
Planet Money.
They can do whatever they want.
You know, it's--
it's very distracting for me
when I hear my co-workers
blow ass into the toilet.
I lose respect for them.
Nothing they say to me anymore
- holds any sort of credence.
- [laughter]
I heard one of my co-workers
blow ass into the toilet the other day.
This bitch had the nerve
to come up to me and say,
"You need to get to work on time."
- I was like, "You need to eat bananas."
- [laughter]
"I saw those green ballet flats.
I know that shit was you.
Don't try to tell me
to get my shit together
when I heard you
not have your shit together."
My father-in-law had this huge sit-down
with me and my husband recently.
Um, and he was like, "Hey,
I wanna talk to you guys about money.
You guys need to make a lot more money
if you wanna provide your children
with the same kind of privileged
childhood that you guys had."
I was like,
"Why you telling me this shit?
I should not
be a part of this conversation.
You tell you son that.
Don't your understand
that I trapped your son
for his earning potential?
Why else would I choose
to fuck one person
for the rest of my life?
I chose to marry him
on the promise of early retirement,
and when I said, 'I do, '
what I really meant was,
'Oh, I'm done.'"
I'm done.
I don't wanna work anymore
and I'm not dieting anymore.
Since I got married last year,
I've been eating fried chicken skin
every day since.
That's right.
And just fulfilling my destiny.
Which is to turn into
a circle with eyelashes.
Like Mrs. Pacman, just...
Let's redecorate.
- [grunting]
- [laughter, applause]
I gave up a lot of myself
when I got married.
I'm a-- I'm a disgusting pervert.
I'm a pervert.
I'm a gross filthy animal.
And I think it's because
I started watching porn
at a very young age.
And what happens
when you start watching porn
at a young age is that...
y-you get sicker, and sicker, and sicker.
The images you crave
get sicker, and sicker, and sicker,
but it's OK,
because the Internet
will always catch up to you.
I broke up with my last boyfriend
because he refused to put it in the back.
I was like, "Uh, you're a idiot, dude.
Do you realize
that if I went on Craigslist...
and posted
'Tiny Asian female seeking anal...'
- the Internet would crash."
- [laughter]
"And all the Jewish male heads
in the universe
- would simultaneously explode."
- [laughter]
They would explode.
A lot of women get really, you know...
freaked out about anal.
And they're like,
"Oh, I don't wanna do that.
I'm scared of-- of the pain."
You ain't scared of the pain.
Women, they wax their eyebrows,
they do all sorts of crazy shit.
You're not scared of the pain.
What you're really scared of
is doo doo on the dick.
You're scared that he's gonna see that
and that's gonna be all of your shame,
your inner evil,
all your secrets and lies.
Sephora can't help you now.
But don't worry,
'cause when he puts it in the butt,
all he's thinking about is,
- "I just put it in her butt."
- [laughter]
"I gotta go call my mom, my dad,
Dave, my grandma."
You're-- If you're married, you're gonna
have to do anal eventually, OK?
You have to,
because you gotta change it up.
You gotta change it up,
so that you don't cheat on each other.
You gotta keep it interesting.
If you put it in different holes,
maybe you'll feel like
you're fucking different people.
I was very sexually active in my 20s,
and as a result, I'm a little bit...
stretched out down there, OK?
So, when I finally did anal,
I just felt like
I got a second chance at life, you know?
I was, like, "Oh, my God!
It's like I'm going back in time!"
- A whole new world
- [laughter]
It was magical.
A big fantasy of mine
before I got married
was to help as many men as possible
discover their prostate.
Yeah, like a conqueror.
I just wanted to... [chuckling]
Now, if you haven't done it before,
ladies, go home and treat yourself.
Do it tonight.
You only live once.
YOLO. Just sneak your--
Just give your man a little--
a little push-push
in the tush-tush.
Just give him a little Atari, you know,
and you'll get a lot of resistance
from the man at first.
You'll get a lot of "No! No! No!
No, please! No, really, I don't-- No!
I don't! I don't! No!"
They get all squirmy wormy because...
they're scared.
They're scared that
if you stick your thumb up there
and succeed, and they like it,
that then, it might mean
that they're gay.
- And I like that fear.
- [laughter]
That shit turns me on, you know?
Especially when that fear
metamorphosizes into pleasure.
Oh, my God! And you just see
the look in the man's eye
like he's discovered nirvana.
[chuckling] And it's like
you're the first lady to show him
that he had a magical clit
in his butt hole.
And then, you as the woman,
in his eyes, just become
the Lord of the Rim, you know?
My husband is unfortunately
just not as freaky as me.
When-- When I've asked him to spank me,
this is what he does.
- [dull thudding]
- [laughter]
"Hey. Hey, are you OK?
Are you all right?
You know I respect you, right?"
I'm, like, "Yes, I know you respect me
and that's why you need to abuse me. OK?"
'Cause it's the most strong-headed,
loud-mouthed women
who like to be abused the most in bed.
Women who are C.E.O.s,
they just wanna be roughed around.
They just want their--
[high-pitched scream]
Glasses always means
the woman wants some--
- [high-pitched scream]
- [laughter]
[continues screaming]
- [gasping scream]
- [laughter]
It's because we're so in control
all the time,
that we just wanna experience
some risk and be out of control,
you know?
Like, "I don't wanna die!
Don't kill me! I don't wanna die!"
But I also don't want to be sure
that I'm gonna live.
You know? I just wanna be
out of control for once.
Just-- Just choke me enough
so that I can't talk.
'Cause if I can talk,
- I'm gonna tell you what to do.
- [laughter]
And I'm tired of being the boss.
I'm the boss all the time,
so, in the bedroom,
you be the boss.
- Because I'm the real boss.
- [laughter]
And I told you so, motherfucker,
so do it.
Sheryl Sandberg,
that woman who wrote Lean In,
has had such a big impact
that now, because of her,
there is a ban on the word "bossy"
in elementary schools,
because according to her,
it's sexist to use the word "bossy,"
because boys are never called bossy.
So, now, instead of saying,
"You're bossy,"
you're supposed to say,
"You have executive leadership skills."
[crowd chuckles]
Which is a very roundabout way of saying:
"You're a little cunt."
I'm just waiting for the right moment
to, like, become a housewife,
financially, you know?
I want my husband to get us
to, like, a certain point financially.
I wanna get to the point as a couple
where I can comfortably afford
sliced mango.
Know what I'm talking about?
I'm talking about that Whole Foods mango.
That $10-a-box Whole Foods mango
- that was sliced by white people.
- [laughter]
That's the kind of income bracket
I'm striving for.
That's when you know you've made it,
when you're eating mango that was sliced
by a dude named Noah.
- I want Noah mango...
- [laughter]
Rebecca kiwi,
Danielle pineapple.
You know what else I want?
I wanna be able to take a stroll
on a sidewalk,
see a quarter,
and just keep on walking.
Like a princess.
I have some useful advice for all my
Asian-American brothers and sisters.
- [man] Yeah!
- [whooping]
Never go paintballing
with a Vietnam veteran.
[clears throat]
So, I don't know if you guys can tell,
but I am seven and a half months
[cheering, applause]
It's very rare and unusual
to see a female comic perform pregnant,
because female comics...
don't get pregnant.
Just try to think of one. I dare you.
There's-- None of them.
Once they do get pregnant,
they generally disappear.
That's not the case with male comics.
Once they have a baby,
they'll get up on stage a week afterwards
and they'll be like,
"Guys, I just had this fucking baby.
That baby's a little piece of shit.
It's so annoying and boring."
And all these other shitty dads
in the audience are, like,
"That's hilarious. I identify."
And their fame just swells
because they become this relatable
family funny man all of a sudden.
Meanwhile, the mom is at home,
chapping her nipples,
feeding the fucking baby,
and wearing a frozen diaper
'cause her pussy needs to heal
from the baby's head shredding it up.
She's busy.
So, I don't know what's gonna
happen to me.
You know, a lot of
my female stand-up comic friends
who are a lot more successful
and famous than me
discouraged me from having a kid.
And they were like, "Ali, why are you
gonna have a kid?
You just gonna become--
You're gonna disappear,
and you're gonna become
some lame stay-at-home mom."
I was like, "Yeah, that's the dream."
That's the point.
This is the ultimate trap.
I won, you know?
Another thing a lot of my friends
said to me
when they were discouraging me
from having a kid,
they were like,
"Why are you gonna have a kid?
Why don't you just travel the world
with your husband
and just do whatever you want
for the rest of your lives
with no kid attached."
I was like, "Yeah, that's cool...
until my husband dies."
Which he's definitely gonna before me.
Because I'm a Asian woman,
and therefore, guaranteed to live
until I'm a billion.
I'm guaranteed,
like a turtle from the Galapagos, OK?
We all know the phrase
"black don't crack."
Well, Asian don't die.
We don't die. Especially the women,
we live forever.
And you know why we're such bad drivers?
Because we're trying to die.
We're like, "Yeah! Let me see
how invincible I really am!"
"Imma make this left hand turn signal
and ignore this red light completely."
"I'm gonna make a right turn--
I changed my mind, it's a U-turn!"
- "I changed my mind again. It's a O-turn!"
- [laughter]
Every time I get into a car accident...
I'm like, "Oh, my God, not again!"
I need to hide my face
so that everybody doesn't see
that it's what everybody thought
it was gonna be.
So embarrassing.
My Toyota Corolla is a mess.
There's this huge
bear claw scratch on the side
from this aggressive brick wall
that came out of nowhere.
And then, on the hood,
there's multiple hand prints
from pedestrians who have had to
alert me of their existence.
I don't know what's wrong with me,
but I'm still here, you know?
I need to have children
to keep me company when I get older.
It's lonely.
My mom is 80,
going through a full blown
mid-life crisis.
'Cause she knows that
she's got a century more to go.
And she is so lonely.
All of her white friends, dead.
Her Mexican friends, dead.
Black friends, dead.
I'm just kidding. She doesn't have
any black friends.
Life is not Rush Hour, the movie, OK?
I need children to be there for me
when I'm older, when I get as old as her.
And when I say be there for me,
I mean pay for me
when my husband isn't around
to support me anymore.
I'm not trying to be one of those
old Chinese ladies
who recycles for a living.
That's not my destiny, OK?
Old Chinese ladies,
they don't give a fuck. They got no shame.
They're like, "I'm just gonna recycle...
go bald...
go to the park, do this shit."
They do that
'cause it's a free activity.
For them. They do it in their--
their big-ass V. Stiviano visor,
their Darth Vader-Tomb Raider-
Boba Fett helmet.
They wear that to protect themselves
from their arch-nemesis, the sun.
Their in a contest to see
who's gonna burn out first.
Old Asian ladies and the sun are like
the Tupac and Biggie of longevity.
I also decided to have a kid because
uh, I'm only 33,
which, I know, is not
technically high-risk,
but my body was starting
to show signs of change.
And it-- And it scared me.
Like, I'm only 33 and...
[whispers] pussy is not as wet
as it used to be.
It's very demoralizing, OK?
Do you remember
when you were 18 years old,
and your pussy was just
sopping wet all the time?
All the time,
you just took it for granted
that you could just reach your hand
down your pants at any given moment,
you throw up the peace sign afterwards,
and there would be that snail-trail
in between your fingers.
Oh, my God, it was so juicy.
You could just blow
a bubble wand with it, just...
[shouts cheerfully]
"I slime you, I slime you. Ghostbusters!"
I don't know
what kind of mother I'm gonna be.
I'm-- I'm 33, and I did have to get
a little bit of science involved
when trying to get pregnant.
And a lot of that...
is most likely my fault.
Because, when I was in my 20s,
I ate Plan B like skittles.
So, my uterus probably looked
like a smoker's lung.
And I found out
that my progesterone levels
were alarmingly low.
So, then I had to take these
hormone pills that were suppositories,
and Push Pop them up myself
every single night.
And then, at my writing job,
at Fresh Off The Boat,
I would be storyboarding
in front of my co-workers,
and then, at some point,
the pill would inevitably dissolve
and melt into my underwear,
and I had to act like everything was OK,
when everything was clearly not OK.
And then, a side effect
of the progesterone
was that it made me extremely itchy.
So, then I had to find ways
to discretely scratch myself
underneath the conference table,
and then resist the urge
to immediately
smell my fingers afterwards.
- [laughter]
- I want to be able to smell my fingers
when I wanna smell
my own goddamn fingers.
Housewives, they can just
scratch and sniff all day long.
They just vacuum, scratch, sniff.
They make a sandwich.
"Uh, mmm."
They watch Property Brothers,
scratch, "What's crackin'? Mmm."
Every time you scratch yourself,
all you can think about is,
"When can I smell my fingers?
When can I smell my fingers?
When can I discretely find a way to..."
"smell my fingers?"
Nature made you urgently curious
to protect you, 'cause you gotta check
that it's all good in the hood.
If it's too funky,
you need to see a doctor.
Your fingers are your first WebMD.
When my husband and I
were trying to have a kid,
a lot of people were like,
"Oh, my God, that's so hot.
You guys doin' a lot of fuckin'?"
No, dude. That's-- That's shit you do
in your 20s, OK?
When in-- When you're in your 30s,
and you've been trying to get pregnant
for a while, it gets very clinical.
You pee on these ovulation strips
that tell you when the eggs are droppin'.
It tells you when it's Easter time.
And I would only fuck him
when it was Easter time.
It was, like, only four days
out of the month, and outside of that,
I would be like, "We're not fuckin'.
I need you to save it.
I want your sperm to be as pent-up,
and as angry and rapey as possible.
So that, when they come out, it's like,
'Release the Kraken!'" [roaring]
And they just come out like
a bunch of angry refugees
escaping a dictatorship, you know?
And, um...
yeah, and most of the time, like,
we wouldn't even have sex,
'cause I was so tired
when I would come home,
and see the smiley face
on the ovulation strip,
and I'd be like, "OK, it's go time,"
and I would just give my husband
a hand job most of the time,
and he would
close his eyes immediately.
I know what that means, OK?
When somebody
closes their eyes during sex,
it's not because they're
in such ecstasy with you
that-- that they need to close their eyes.
When somebody
closes their eyes during sex,
it's because they're literally trying
to shut the image of your face
out of their head
and instead project two Latina lesbians
that they saw earlier that day on RedTube
onto the back of their eyelids.
Which is fine by me, because then
he doesn't have to see
the expression on my face that says,
"Please, hurry the fuck up."
And then, when he was about to finish,
I could always tell because
the indication is very universal
when a man is about to finish.
It's when they get that...
- that stupid-ass look on their face...
- [laughter]
where they look like they just got bit
by a zombie, just... [straining]
And then, because we're hippies,
I'd be like, "Hey, hey!
Please look me in the eye and remember
to come with intention, OK?"
And then, I would jump on him,
and hold onto his neck,
and I would just twerk, twerk,
twerk the shit out of him...
and do some of this shit that I learned
in Atlanta. [grunting]
And then I would turn upside down
immediately afterwards...
to make sure all of that Harvard nectar
would just drain inside of me.
That's right. 'Cause I don't wanna
work anymore.
I'm very grateful to be pregnant
and to be...
this far along, to be
seven and a half months pregnant,
because, last year,
I had a miscarriage,
which is very common. And a lot of women
who are in their 20s
flip out when they hear that.
They're like, "Oh, my God.
That's so dark and terrible.
I can't believe that."
I'm 33. Girl, when you're 33,
you'll know plenty of women
who have had a miscarriage.
It's super common, and I wish
more women would talk about it
so they wouldn't feel so bad
when they go through it.
When I told my mom--
She's from a third world country,
and when I told her I had one,
she was like,
"Uh, yeah. Where I'm from,
that's like losing a pair of shoes.
It's whatevs, OK?"
And everything happens for a reason.
I found out at my six-week sonogram,
which is very early.
And the doctor says to me,
"Oh, my God, I see two sacks,
which means you're having twins."
And I was like, "No!"
And then she said, "But what I don't see
is a heartbeat."
- And I was like, "Yes!"
- [laughter]
"The Lord is mysterious!"
Don't feel bad, OK?
They were the size of poppy seeds.
I've picked boogers larger than
the twins that I lost.
And most women won't let
their husbands watch
when they're going through a miscarriage.
I sat my husband down in front of me
while I sat on the toilet,
and I was like, "You look."
"You watch the whole thing."
And he felt so bad for me.
And I used it as leverage
and held that shit
over his head for a month
and got him to do whatever the fuck
I wanted him to do for 30 days.
- He took me to see Beyonc.
- [laughter]
He bought me a bike off of Craigslist.
That's my miscarriage bike,
and I love it very much.
For 30 days, I finally had
the marriage I always wanted.
I'm scared about
giving childbirth, though.
I'm-- I'm very, very scared of childbirth.
That's why I'm going to hire a doula.
You know what that is?
You know what a doula is?
That's a white hippie witch...
that blows quinoa into your pussy
to Keyser Sze all the pain away.
A lot of women tried to freak me out.
They tried to freak me out
about childbirth by saying,
"Ali, did you know that
you're gonna poop on the table?"
I was like, "Yeah, I look forward to it."
I'm all backed up from
holding in my shit at work.
I can't wait to cleanse.
It makes sense, like, that you--
that that happens because
when you're in labor,
you push, you push, you push,
and your husband will be asked
to assist in the labor
by lifting up your leg,
which subsequently turns into
a soft serve lever.
You just shit on the floor
in front of the love of your life.
And just when you think that's enough
to make him finally leave you,
boom, a baby comes out,
and he gotta stay.
That's the real
miracle of life, right there.
I can already see how a child
can really take its toll on a marriage,
because the baby
hasn't even come out yet
and I am already so resentful
towards my husband.
So much resentment, especially when
he asks me to do shit around the house.
[imitates male voice] "Hey, can you
wash the dishes?" [normal voice] "No!"
"Can you water the plants?"
"I am not doing jack shit anymore.
I'm busy makin' a eyeball, OK?
Are you makin' a foot? I didn't think so.
You change the channel."
I can already see how there's, like,
this crazy double standard in our society
of how it takes so little
to be considered a great dad.
And it also takes so little
to be considered a shitty mom.
People praise my husband
for coming to
all of my doctor's appointments with me.
"Oh, my God. I can't believe he comes
to all your doctor's appointments.
He is so supportive."
Guess who else has to go
to those doctor appointments.
Me! I'm the star of the show.
There's nothing for the camera
to see if I'm not there.
But he's the hero for playing
Candy Crush while I get my blood drawn.
Meanwhile, if I do mushrooms
seven months pregnant, I'm a bad mommy.
You know, I-- I-- I, like,
I berate my husband on,
like, a daily basis.
Partially because I really am mad at him.
But mostly out of survival,
because if he leaves me, I'm fucked.
So, I have to chip away
at his self-esteem on a daily basis...
to keep him down
so that he doesn't believe
that he's worthy of
another woman's affection and leaves me.
I gotta keep him around
by keeping him down.
People don't tell you about all this shit
that goes down with your body
when you get pregnant, you know?
Your nipples get huge and dark.
I didn't know that.
I didn't know that they get dark so that
the baby can see, like, a bullseye.
So that the baby can find it easier.
And then, you know, they get big--
they get big, like fingers.
Like, "You, you. You owe me money, you."
My nipples look like Whoppers now,
and naked, I look like a Minion.
But I'm not gonna be one of those
crazy pregnant ladies
who tries to get all back in shape
right after they get pregnant. No.
Hopefully, if you see me in a year,
I will have the kind of body where,
if I do a nude scene on television,
people will commend me
for being courageous.
For doing it.
Now that I'm seven and a half months
pregnant, my pussy's all wet again.
But it's different. It's not like when
I was 18 years old,
when it was like, really hot, you know?
And I was like, "Why is it different?"
And I looked it up,
and my pussy's all wet again because
my-- my body's secreting mucus
to protect the baby
from bacteria attacking it.
- That's not the same.
- [laughter]
When it's straight up soldier glue,
when it's Neosporin.
So, you know, I-- I, in--
previously, before I met my husband,
I had dated a bunch of losers.
And then, I meet this dream guy,
who's, like,
way more handsome than me,
out of my league,
graduated from Harvard Business School.
Worked hard to trap his ass.
Got him to propose to me.
Oh, my God, then we got married,
all my dreams coming true,
and then we got pregnant,
and recently
we bought our first home together.
And, uh, two weeks
into the escrow process,
I discovered that my beautiful,
Harvard-educated husband
was $70,000 in debt.
[low murmurs]
And me, with my hard-earned TV money,
paid it all off.
[cheering, applause]
So, as it turns out,
he's the one who trapped me.
[cheering, applause]
How did he do it?
How did he bamboozle me?
Oh! Maybe because he went
to Harvard Business School,
the epicenter of white-collar crime.
He Enron'd my ass.
- [laughter]
- And now, if I don't work, we die.
Why else do you think I'm performing
seven and a half months pregnant?
All right, I've been Ali Wong.
Have a good night, everybody. Thank you.
- [cheering, applause]
- [upbeat theme music plays]