Alice and the Vampire Queen (2023) Movie Script

- Burgers up.
- Where's the bacon?
This order was for bacon cheeseburgers.
How hard can that be?
- No, you didn't ask for bacon.
Read your chicken scratch.
Two times C-burg plus fries
and I'm working the grill
so fries are your job.
- No two Cs for cheese, burg for burger,
and a plus sign for bacon.
So fry up some fricking bacon, toots.
- Okay, first of all,
don't blame me for your chicken scratch
making no damn sense.
And secondly, call me chef, not toots.
- You know, with a face like that,
I think you'd feel lucky to
have any man call you toots.
- You know,
don't confuse the fact
that everyone loves bacon
to mean I want a big greasy pig like you.
- You watch your mouth, you ugly cunt.
I could call up your parole
officer anytime I want
and make up whatever bullshit.
And if I feel like it,
I'll get your skank ass
thrown right back in
jail like that.
Now, be a good little
girl and ride that grill.
- I've dealt with pigs
like you my whole life
and I don't care what you
say or who you say it to.
- Who the fuck do you think you are?
Get outta my kitchen. You're fired.
- I already quit.
- You're something else.
You know I make a joke, a joke,
about calling your parole officer
and you respond by going psycho,
giving me an actual fucking
reason to report you.
- What's the difference?
I didn't go to culinary school
to flip burgers in this grease pit.
I don't care anymore.
- There's gratitude for you.
- Fuck!
Come on.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
Tough night?
- Nothing I can't handle.
But I get the impression
that you already know that.
- You're a smart one, Alice Oldeman.
I figured you'd put the pieces together.
- Not all of them.
You're overdressed for a social worker
and you're too nice to be a PO.
- No. Headhunter.
My employer's looking for a
head chef for their restaurant.
- I don't consider myself a...
I'm not head chef material.
- It's real simple.
I'll pay you $500
to cook a single dish.
If my employer likes it,
you got yourself a job.
And if not, well, then you walk with $500.
- Bullshit.
- Now, you can just walk with the money,
or you could put all
those years of experience
working in a five-star
restaurant to the test.
- You're just gonna let me walk with $500?
- Do I look like I care about money?
Tell you what,
if my boss likes your cooking
and you still don't want the job,
I'll give you an extra a hundred dollars.
- If you don't care about the money,
gimme the extra 100 now
and 500 more if your boss likes it.
- Knew you were smart.
You got a deal.
- You would've given
me more, wouldn't you?
- Yeah.
- Christ. Enough head games already?
Just take me to your damn
restaurant and let me cook.
- Right this way.
- That bitch.
You are so fucked.
- Now, why would you say that?
- What the hell?
- Oh no, darling, not hell.
You're very much on earth
with us, friends of Alice.
Well not actual friends,
more like advocates.
- Let go of me.
I'm gonna call the cops.
- Now, now, Big Joe.
That's what they call you, right?
Big Joe.
Is that because you are
the big man around here?
Pushing around a woman half
your size, how big of you.
- Let go of me.
There are customers in the front.
Somebody! Help me!
I'm here in the kitchen!
- I don't hear anyone.
Good citizens charging to your aid?
Angry mobs are oh, so overrated.
Do you hear anything?
- No, I don't hear anything.
- I think your customers
have had a change of heart
and decided to dine someplace else.
- There's been a change in menus.
No more burgers.
Just roasted pig.
- I'm s-
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
I didn't mean what I said about Alice.
She's safe. I'm not gonna tell anybody.
Wh- what do you want?
You want money?
Who are you?
- Like I said, we are friends of Alice.
- Ah, ah.
- I'll save this for later.
You may have the rest.
- And here we are.
Now, I'm sure there's nothing in here
I couldn't tell you about
that you don't already know.
But I've been assured
that this is a grade-A
kitchen with everything
that an executive chef
like yourself could need.
- Yeah.
About that, uh,
how is it that you know all about me
and I've never heard of this place?
- Well, the second part is easy.
We don't want anyone to know.
We are exclusive
in the most extreme sense of the word.
Privacy is our number one goal.
- Well, if this is gonna
violate my parole in any way,
then you can count me out.
- You've got it all wrong.
This is old money.
Nothing criminal.
But when people find
out where the money is,
the leeches are soon to follow.
I don't mean to be obtuse,
but we only hire people who
are in financial straits.
I don't mean to be insensitive,
but you're the type of
person who'd get in a car
with a perfect stranger
for a few hundred bucks.
Well, I think it's safe to assume,
as long as we continue to pay you well
then our privacy is assured.
- Yeah. Well, don't flatter yourself.
'Cause I've survived this
long without a handout
so I can grind it out on my own.
- You're a fighter.
Yeah, we like that.
As a matter of fact,
that's one of the reasons
why I wanted to recruit you.
Top five in your culinary school,
chosen as one of 30 under
30 chefs nationwide.
Head chef, one of the
trendiest restaurants,
poshest neighborhoods in the city.
- It's not as great as it sounds.
- Ah, yes. Scars.
Both physical and emotional.
That you married John Paul
Miese, another top-tier chef.
The two of you are supposed to be
the ultimate culinary power couple.
- Enough. I get it.
You read a newspaper.
- Alice. I am sorry.
I didn't realize you were just a victim.
- Well, it's a bit more-
- A bit more complicated, is it?
Yeah. I've read the report.
Not in the one in the press, mind you,
where after years of sexual,
emotional, and physical abuse,
Alice Oldeman snapped, killed her husband.
- The report?
- The sealed documents.
The ones where your
lawyers traded your freedom
in exchange for confidentiality.
Yes, we know your secret.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Well, the truth must be
a bloody lie then, innit?
Especially the part
where, in a fit of rage,
you not only killed your
husband with a filet knife,
but you cut out his liver,
cooked it up and served it
to unsuspecting guests of his restaurant.
- I can't talk about that, my lawyer said.
- Can you imagine what would've happened
if that had gone to court?
If a jury had been privy
to that information,
they'd put you away forever.
- What is this? Blackmail?
Because you can't blackmail
someone who has nothing to lose.
I'm broke.
I can only work at greasy shit holes
like that one from tonight.
There isn't a real restaurant in the world
that would hire me.
- Except us.
All you have to do is make steak tartare.
- Steak tartare.
It's a tricky one.
- It is.
But Gordon over there,
he's gone and prepared all
your ingredients for you.
All right?
And all you have to do, let's make magic.
- Gordon?
- Yeah. He's another person
in need of second chances.
And so far it's worked out for him.
Who knows, maybe if your
cooking is good enough,
the two of you'll become friends.
- I don't need friends.
I need $500.
- Well, at least your
motivation's in the right place.
All right then, I'll leave you to him.
It looks good.
- Tastes even better.
- We'll see.
She loves it.
- The boss is a woman?
- And her taste buds are
as sensitive as can be.
But before we head in there-
- Before I do anything, I want my $500.
- You don't realize, she's
gonna offer you the job.
- Well, the deal was
another 500 if she liked it.
- All right. I do like the way you think.
All right, so one, two,
three, four, and five.
All right, so Alice, should
we head down the rabbit hole?
- Cute.
How long were you holding
onto that nugget for?
- Couldn't resist.
- Yeah. You and everyone else.
So lead the way, Nivins McTwisp.
- Nivins Mc- what?
- The rabbit. Nivins McTwisp.
Typical, you're quoting
Alice in Wonderland
but never read the book.
- Huh, it's an occupational hazard.
So shall we meet the queen of hearts?
- Seriously?
- You know what? Nevermind.
Let's, let's go. Come on.
- Alice, I'd like for you to
meet Queen Isabella Knight,
proprietor of this establishment
and your future boss.
Should you so choose.
- Alice.
I taste a sweetness that is different.
I can't quite put my finger on it.
Is it Vidalia onion?
- You do
have a sensitive palate.
You're tasting leek.
I use leek instead of shallots.
It's my own personal
interpretation of the classic.
- Like an artist.
I like that.
Please have a seat.
- Ladies, if you will excuse me.
- Charles thinks that you
would make an excellent chef
for our little club.
What do you think?
Are you a fit?
- Well, I've cooked for
much bigger restaurants
than this place.
- I'm not talking
about the size of the building.
I'm talking about the clientele.
- What the fuck?
- Sofia and Madeline are my favorites.
But I need to feed all of my pets.
I prefer to be civilized.
And with our heightened senses,
good taste is essential.
- It's not good etiquette
to depart our queen
without a proper bow.
- Queen?
- Yes, a queen.
And this is my court.
- Please.
- Shh.
Relax, my pet.
Your desire to be needed, wanted,
is about to come true.
The past is forgotten in this house.
The scars erased.
Open yourself to me
and I will erase the pain.
- Dude.
- Whoa.
- Oh baby.
Watch where you're stepping.
- Yo, she's hammered.
- Yo, you're hammered. Lightweight.
- You're both fucking lightweights.
Hey baby. You party?
- Up yours, needle dick.
- Needle dick. Dave, that's awesome.
- Yo, probably your ex-girlfriend.
Right, lady?
Hey lady.
Deaf and dumb. It's definitely
Dave's ex-girlfriend.
- Hey, bitch.
- Fuck off assholes.
- Oh shit. Dave's gonna
get his ass kicked.
- Hey, don't you walk away from me.
No one talks to me like that, all right?
Especially a skank like you.
So are you gonna apologize or what?
Oh! Oh, ah!
- Yo, bro. You good?
You good?
- No, dude.
She fucking sprayed pepper
juice in my face, dude.
- Let go of me!
- Shut up bitch.
- Let go of-
- I said shut up, bitch.
I'm serious.
I was laughing then, but
I ain't laughing now.
- I think it's funny.
Really funny.
Couple of living abortions like
you three acting all tough.
I think it's fucking hilarious.
- Piss off. This is none of your business.
- Did you hear that, Sofia, darling?
Your wellbeing is none of my business.
- It is none of your
business, Kieran, baby.
These boys are all mine.
- Oh, Sofia, darling.
Sharing is caring.
- Kieran, honey, you know
how I feel about sharing.
- Get, get, get her off of me.
- Just push the bitch off.
The only bitch I see is the one
who's about to become a midnight snack.
- What are you?
- Well, if you're going
to shoot, just shoot.
Don't just stand-
After all this time carrying a gun,
waiting for the big shootout.
Did it turn out the way you expected?
Oh, how did it make you feel?
Sofia, darling,
would you like to get your
steps in today or shall I?
- My dearest Kieran, sharing is caring.
- With pleasure.
I'll let you in a little secret.
This little pea-shooter can't hurt me
but it still hurts like hell.
- I'm, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Oh, we are way past that.
- Everything okay?
I heard you stirrin' about.
I thought I'd come check on you.
- What is that?
Is that a- what is that?
- That? That is you.
Well, at least it used
to be a part of you.
- What? What do you mean?
- Look, look there.
- The mirror?
- Yeah.
Take a look in there and
tell me what you see.
- My scar.
- It's gone.
- H- how?
That's impossible.
- Alice, in my world,
everything is possible.
You just have to play by the rules.
Here, take this.
Heavy cream. No sugar.
I believe that's the way you like it.
- How'd you know that?
- I'm sure you must have
more questions than that.
Come. We can chat over breakfast.
- My scar. How did you remove it?
- I didn't do anything.
Isabella, she did all the work.
She has many special skills
that the others only wish they could have.
- I gotta get outta
here. Where are my shoes?
- If you're gonna leave,
please at least take a pastry with you.
I can't eat 'em all myself.
- What the fuck is wrong with you?
- Sorry. I can come back later.
- No, Madeline, please.
Come in. Come in.
Alice here is coming to grips
with the reality of the situation.
- I brought you some fresh fruit
in case you're gluten free.
I was never able to stomach pastry
before they, well, you know.
- Yeah, so one thing at a time.
Um, Alice is still in shock of her scars.
- Isn't it wonderful?
Isabella must really like you.
I mean, she wouldn't do
that for just anyone.
- Well, Alice and I have
a lot to talk about.
Did you bring the mirror?
- Yes. Right here.
Oh. You look amazing.
- I really do.
It's a miracle.
- It really is.
- Your, your reflection.
It's because I'm just recently turned.
It's, it's also why I can still day walk.
- A- all right, look,
it's, it's a bit too much too fast, right?
- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.
- No, no. no, no.
It's, it's, it's my fault.
It's not yours. You, you've done good.
Just leave us.
- I- I'm sorry.
- Right.
That, that has not gone as I'd hoped
so I'm gonna cut straight to the chase.
Your life is in shambles.
I mean, you could either
go back to a shit job
or you could go back to prison.
The only thing you have going
for you is that you can cook.
And I mean really cook.
Making raw meat dishes is incredibly hard.
And you just nailed it.
And that's the real miracle here.
You're a perfect fit.
So I'm offering you everything
from your previous life,
plus money, and, oh, the money.
It's more money than you can imagine.
- That's the first thing you've said
that's resembled the truth.
- Well, baby steps my friend.
- A le Pain au Jus?
- Very good, food detective.
- There's not a lot of places in this town
that can make a legit French pastry.
- Another reason you're a perfect fit.
True appreciation of good pastry.
- All chefs appreciate a good bake.
- Mm. They do.
But my mornings are everything to me.
Enjoying the sunrise in my safe space
with a nice croissant.
Nothing can beat it.
- Safe space?
So you are afraid of them.
- It's all about leverage.
See, they need mortals to
manage the front, so to speak.
And they pay handsomely.
- Oh, you made a deal
with the devil for money.
- Not just money.
I am a king during the day.
Everything I want at my fingertips.
Then at night, well, I swallow my pride.
- Pride? You could be dead.
- Well, Queen Isabella
is all about loyalty.
She protects those who
are faithful to her.
I mean, you could literally slit my wrists
and not a single vamp would
touch me if she says so.
- Well, I really did enjoy cooking again.
I mean, really creating a dish.
- Yeah.
Like I said, perfect fit.
See, what'd I tell you? Safe and sound.
- Yeah. Home sweet home.
- Oh, almost forgot the rest of your pay.
- Jesus. More?
- $2,000 for one night's not bad.
- Will I get this every night?
- Of course.
Like I said, it's easier to buy loyalty
than it is to earn it.
- Hmm.
Golden handcuffs.
- I'll pick you up at sunset.
You look amazing.
- Thank you.
Haven't heard that in a long time.
- Don't get used to it
'cause your life is about to change.
- For better or worse is the question.
- Wow. You ask a lot of questions.
- Survival mechanism.
You coming?
- Of course.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And thank you.
- I bleed for my queen.
- Give it up for our brother, Luther.
- Bon appetit.
There are a lot of happy faces in there.
Compliments to the chef.
- You know, there are a lot
of other delicious dishes
with raw meat.
There's beef carpaccio and
basashi and carne apache.
And there's some other Asian dishes too.
- Right. Well, let's
just get through tonight.
- Yeah, of course.
Just planning menu ideas.
- So are these ready then?
- Oh, hold on.
Now they're ready.
- Alice, you are an artist.
- Do I have any other challengers?
How about you?
Or you?
Surely, someone wants to
honor our queen in combat.
- I will.
- Kieran.
The fallen angel himself.
Since when do you want the spotlight?
- Oh, I don't know.
Probably it's 'cause I'm
just tired of hearing
the sound of your voice.
- Oh, is the little maggot
still sore about what happened?
- Go ahead. Keep talking trash.
- I'm not talking trash.
I'm talking to trash.
- White trash is preferred.
- Very dirty white trash.
Let's up the ante and do this bonded.
Bring out the chains.
I draw blood for my queen.
- And I draw blood for my queen.
- Alice, Alice,
you've gotta come see this.
- I'm busy.
- Forget about that.
They're doing bonded
combat. It's very rare.
- Bonded what?
- Look, will you just...
Listen, to understand the enemy,
you've got to learn everything about it.
Their customs.
Knowledge is the only way
you're going to survive this.
- Survive?
- Jesus, with the questions.
Will you just come on?
- Don't touch a thing.
I'll be right back, okay?
- Can I get a break?
- Sure. But don't go far.
Hey, it's hard enough without a sous chef.
- What's that? Like an Indian?
Like Cherokee?
- No, not Sioux, sous. It's French.
Do you see what I mean?
- Yes. I will get you
more stuff soon enough.
Now come on before it's over.
Oh, you really got lucky tonight.
Bonded combat is rare.
But it does happen when a
true power play is on display.
Now, Fredrick, he really hates Kieran.
- Hm. Drama.
- He tried to form his own hive once
but Frederick stabbed in the back.
- Fuck you!
- That's why the queen banished
him for a hundred years.
It's only been recently he's been back.
- A hundred years.
How's that possible?
Yeah. Sorry.
I'm still wrapping my head
around the whole vampire thing.
- Well, it is a bit of a mind fuck.
But look at your face.
It's worth it, isn't it?
- Do you yield?
- He's not dead?
- No.
Unless it's wood or holy
water, nothing can harm them.
Although, I am told that
they can feel of pain
so right now, Kieran
is in a world of hurt.
It's actually quite brilliant, isn't it?
It's both literally an
insult and an injury.
To have to feel both the
pain and the humiliation.
And on that note, I'd steer
clear from Kieran after this.
- Yeah. I'm trying to
steer clear of all of them.
Can I go back to the kitchen now?
- No. No.
You have an audience with the queen.
- My loyal brethren, I
present to you my champion.
- It is an honor, my queen.
- As a reward for your loyalty,
I present the royal blood.
- Oh my, what?
- Now rise, Fredrick, alpha of the hive.
Thank you, my queen.
- My dearest subjects.
I'd also like to introduce you
to the newest member of our family,
the chef who created the
wonderful steak tartare
you've all been enjoying this evening.
Please, let's show Chef
Alice our appreciation
with a round of applause.
- Here we are again, safe and sound.
Tonight was a massive success.
- Thanks.
- Better than I expected.
Right then.
Get some rest, Chef Alice.
- Cat got your tongue?
Cat got your tongue?
- How'd you get in here?
- I'm clever that way.
Rumors of a new chef, a mortal.
You know, the first thing I think
is this must be one hell of a chef.
You know, if that was
wood, you would scare me.
I mean, silver can fuck
me up pretty good too.
But I, I have a feeling
that if it were silver,
that you would've hocked it for cash.
- These are
high-carbon Japanese steel.
- Mm.
- And they're way more
expensive than silver.
- Ooh.
- I'm a Michelin-star chef,
you shit, get outta my apartment.
- Ah, correction. You are a
former Michelin-star chef.
Yeah, it's a real sob
story from what I hear.
- Just like you, from what I hear.
- Ah, so you've heard about
the big bad Kieran.
Usurper of the throne.
Well, don't believe everything you hear.
There are more lies
than fangs in that club.
- Don't you touch me.
- Relax.
I just wanna meet the
queen's new favorite mortal,
Look, I wouldn't dare hurt
you, but I can help you.
I can teach you the way-
Really? Really?
I just told you that wouldn't work.
- I don't believe a word from your mouth.
- Yeah, well, clearly you believe
you're the queen's new favorite.
- Room full of fangs
can't be wrong, can it?
- Ah, so you're a narcissist.
Oh, I get it now.
You just wanna relive your
little Michelin star days
and you don't care what
sort of Faustian bargain
you make in the process.
- I'm just trying to get by.
- Ah, don't kid yourself, girl.
Some holy water, wood planks,
and a bus ticket outta town
is all you need to
survive our little party.
- You'd come after me.
- Yeah, girlfriend's
got a real high opinion
of herself, doesn't she?
Do you have any idea how
many other lost souls
would do anything to be in
the position you are in?
- I'm not a lost soul, or
damaged goods for that matter.
- Well, then why are you...
- What are you doing here.
- Looking for you.
I was worried Kieran
might've followed you.
- How'd you know? He is
in my place right now.
- I knew it.
That little prick did the same
thing to me when I started.
He has a hard-on for anything off limits.
- But what do I do? Should I call Charles?
- I wouldn't.
He hates being bothered during the day.
- But there's a goddamn
vampire in my living room.
- He can't stay.
Kieran will have to go underground soon.
We can come back and I'll show
you how to add protections.
- Protections?
- Just come to my place and I'll show you.
It's an old restaurant
with a perimeter of
garlic and holy crosses.
- I'm so screwed.
- Don't worry. You're safe with me.
- Thanks for the shirt.
I'll, uh, be sure to clean
it before I give it back.
- I would assume so.
You may be a monster, but a civilized one.
- Monster? You're confusing
me with the vamps?
- No, not really.
I know what I am
and I know the kind of
people they bring in.
Second degree murder. Right?
I'm not judging.
I, I've done my fair
share of dastardly deeds.
Just that, well, I wasn't
trying to be negative.
Here, I, I made sandwiches.
- Thanks.
- It's not anything
gourmet like what you make,
but it'll keep your motor running.
- The Dijon mustard is a nice touch.
- I guess even I have
some redeeming qualities.
Just, what I was trying to say
is that the vamps accept me for who I am.
- Hmm.
So you're a monster like me?
- That's how the world sees it.
People like us, we'll
never get a second chance.
I'm tainted, poisoned like a rotten tomato
to be dumped in the trash.
- At least it sounds better
than a broken person.
I hate that one.
I'm not broken.
I fought back. I survived.
- Exactly. You're a scorpion.
- That's a new one.
- "The Frog and the Scorpion."
You know the parable?
It's as old as Moses.
- Mm. Okay, Dr. Seuss hit me.
What parable?
- Okay, so there once was a frog
and a scorpion at the side of a river.
The scorpion asked the frog to
carry him across on his back.
The frog, knowing better,
tells the scorpion that he's afraid
of the scorpion stinging him in the back.
- I think I know this one.
- Right?
The scorpion says, "No,
no, no, you are safe.
Because if I sting you, we
will both drown and die."
The frog, agreeing with this logic,
proceeds to give the scorpion
a ride across the river.
- But halfway across,
the scorpion stings the frog in the back.
- And they both start to sink.
The frog asks the scorpion,
"Why did you sting me?
Now we'll both die."
- And the scorpion
responds, "I can't help it.
It's in my nature."
- Exactly.
You're a killer, Alice Oldeman.
It's your nature.
That's why the vamps
respect you, protect you,
and possibly fear you.
- I'm a scorpion.
- Feels good to accept
your true self, doesn't it?
- Still, I like to think,
think my nature is,
my nature.
You son of a...
- What the fuck?
Is that you?
Gordon, is that you?
- Yes, it's me.
I was just out front relaxing.
- Gordon, wha- what's the deal?
Thought we were on the same team here.
Us verse the vamps, remember?
- True. Those fucking vamps.
It's like they can't accept
me for who I truly am.
- Yeah. We're scorpions.
Like you said, we're gonna
sting those motherfuckers
with wooden stakes in their hearts.
- If it were only that easy.
- Gordon, come on. W- what's the deal?
I thought we were on the same side.
Look, if I don't show up tonight,
the vamps will find out.
I- I'm the queen's new favorite.
What do you think she's gonna do
if she finds out what you're doing?
- It's my nature.
She can't blame the scorpion.
I mean, chopping up the
kills from their hunts
is fun and all but I want my own hunt.
- What the fuck?!
After I escaped prison, the
vamps gave me a place to hide.
And they brought me bodies.
Oh, so many bodies.
But it just doesn't compare
to those fresh ones.
You know, the girls at the
rest stop, those little sluts.
- You wanna fuck?
Is that it?
Just let me go and we can fuck.
- What I want?
What I want?!
- Yes. I'll do anything. Please.
- It's not about what I
want. It's what I need.
What are we, Alice?
- Scorpions.
- Louder.
- Scorpions.
- Louder.
- Scorpions!
- We are scorpions.
- I'm a scorpion.
- Glorious. And I gotta kill.
I can't help it.
- But the queen will kill you.
- I'm sorry Alice, but I need to do this.
I know the queen will be
angry. She may even kill me.
But both the frog and
the scorpion must die.
It's part of the peril.
- Please. There's gotta
be a way out of this.
- When I first saw you, you
had scars all down your face.
How far did they go?
- Don't you fucking touch me.
- Now that's more like a killer Alice.
- No.
No. I'm not a killer.
You are a psycho.
I'm nothing like you.
I, I just defended myself.
I cracked, I, I lost
control for a brief moment
and I've been regretting it ever since.
Let go of me.
- Oh, now that's nice.
- Stop.
- This is more fun than those
whores at the rest stop.
You're a real fighter, aren't you, Alice?
- God.
That's it?
You gimme your coat.
- I fucked up.
- That's not an apology.
That's an admission.
- Well, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's not a perfect system.
- Did he really escape from prison?
- Yeah.
That just meant we had leverage on him.
How was I supposed to know
he was gonna do something like this.
- Well, he cut up those
two girls at the rest stop.
You must've known that.
- Ever heard of the Butcher of Route 84?
- He had a nickname.
Oh my God. I'm so pissed I could kill you.
But I wouldn't because I'm not a killer.
And if you went through the abuse I did,
you would've cracked too.
Goddammit, I can't believe
I'm defending myself.
- All right, I can fix this.
I'll get you a new chef's outfit.
Everything will be good.
- No.
No. I'm not going back to that place.
No way.
- You don't get it, do you?
You are in the hive.
No one leaves.
- That's not true.
Kieran told me I could just
get a bus ticket and skip town.
Hundreds of people are
waiting to take my place.
- Kieran?
His only purpose for existing
is to try to usurp queen's power.
To get her favorite mortal
to betray her is exactly what he wants.
- Well, why me?
There's gotta be someone
else who can cook.
- It's not about the food.
The queen chose you.
There's no way out.
- So this is it.
I just come here every night
until I go insane?
- Well, if you are referring to Gordon,
he was crazy long before joining us.
- No, uh, I'm talking about the pressure.
Your whole life at the mercy of the queen.
- It's been the human condition
since the beginning of time.
Pharaohs and the slaves.
Aristocracy and the serfs.
The rich and the poor.
- Yeah, but this is the extreme.
I mean, it's enough to drive you crazy.
- Well, I've been here for years.
I think I'm handling it pretty well.
- Maybe that means you're
the craziest of them all.
- Are you gonna be able to do this.
- I...
Do I have a choice?
- Yeah.
You can either make the meal
or you could be the meal.
So Gordon should have prepared
enough meat for tonight.
But if you need to make more,
the stock is in the other
big walk-in over there.
- Got it.
- Good.
Sun sets in four hours.
I'll be back then.
- Great.
- I brought you some aspirin.
I used to get the worst
migraines after drinking.
Is it the same for you?
- What time is it?
- Eight o'clock.
- Shit. I gotta get to the kitchen.
- It's okay.
Charles said no one's
coming till after midnight.
Some sort of presentation he's planning.
He asked me to check on you.
- You said aspirin?
- Oh yeah. Here.
I'm always up before everyone else.
They say it's because
I'm not fully transformed
but I think it's because I
used to be an early bird.
I never realized how much I
love watching the sunrise until,
well, enough about me.
- No, go on.
I'm curious.
You don't strike me as a scorpion.
- Scorpion?
- Sorry. It's just a
reference to something else.
You don't strike me as a bad person.
Like, "What's a good gal like you
doing in a bad place like this?"
- Is that a boomer reference?
- Boomer? Ouch.
I'm not that old. I'm not even close.
- I'm just teasing. I
actually know the reference.
"Rick and Morty," right?
- Yeah. That's it.
- The asprin should
hopefully kick in soon.
What was I saying?
Oh yeah.
"Good gal in a bad place."
Well, I'm no saint for starters.
Let's get that out of the way.
I was in a bad place
when they discovered me.
I love that one.
They call kidnapping being discovered
and being turned into a concubine lucky.
- Lucky.
- Because they didn't kill me.
They were on the hunt.
I was in the wrong
place at the wrong time.
Very unlucky.
But since Isabella took
a liking to me, lucky.
I'm now untouchable.
But a prisoner.
- I'm the same as you.
- No you're not.
I had a life.
I had a good life.
My only sin was doubting the man I loved.
I was supposed to get married,
but I was getting cold feet.
That's not a crime.
I just went for a walk on
the beach to clear my head.
And the next thing you know, boom.
I'm bonded to the queen of the damned.
- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.
I just thought...
- Th- that I was some loser like you?
Well, I wasn't.
I had a good life.
I had my shit together.
I didn't kill anyone.
I don't think I actually ever
even got a speeding ticket.
Possibly a parking ticket.
Okay. Actually, yeah.
A couple parking tickets.
But still, I don't think
that's considered a crime.
It's a violation.
Well it it's certainly not a felony.
- So, you were engaged?
What was his name?
- Matthew.
- Mm. What happened to him?
- He was pissed.
He thought I was a runaway bride.
I mean he knew I had doubts but,
you'd think he knew me better.
- I was married for six years.
I don't think we ever
really knew each other.
And he certainly didn't trust me.
And I was terrified of him.
Had the scars to prove it.
- Why didn't you leave him?
- I was afraid of him.
I thought he'd kill me if I left.
- In that way we are the same.
If I even thought about leaving,
I'm pretty sure Isabella
would kill me herself.
Loyalty is everything to her.
I cannot stress that enough.
- Loyalty.
Yeah. I kind of figured
that one out already.
- It's also important to know your place.
- Jesus. Do y'all just pop
in whenever you feel like it?
- Tricks of the trade, chef.
And the older the dog, the more tricks
as I keep telling dearest Madeline here.
- Oh, good evening Sofia, darling.
How's the moon tonight?
- That's better.
We really must get rid of
that horrible accent of yours.
I don't believe we've
been properly introduced.
Dame Sofia Gefrune,
right hand to the queen.
- For now.
- Oh, my dear, I have centuries on you.
And in this world age comes before beauty.
- Yeah, well, the times,
they are a changin'.
- I don't know if you know
this, but in the spring of '65,
I dated Bob Dylan.
- Who's Bob Dylan?
- This is supposed to outclass me?
I think not.
- You dated Dylan?
- Most certainly.
You know, I actually offered to turn him.
But do you know what he said?
- What did he say?
- He said that when life is fleeting,
every moment is precious.
Oh. Such a poet.
He actually believed
that if he were immortal,
he would lose that drive to
make all his work important.
- Wow.
- In a way,
I think I was his muse.
Giving him that choice
crystallized his purpose in life.
Who knows if he would've
been as great without me.
- Oh my God.
You're not talking about
Dylan again, are you?
- Geez. I'm gonna have to
put bells on all of you.
- I have a bell.
- Ring a ding, ding, baby.
- Stay back.
- What's her problem?
- How about you breaking into my apartment
and threatening me?
- If I recall correctly,
you stabbed me and
ruined my favorite shirt.
And by the way, thank you for the apology.
- Fuck you, you shit.
You almost got me killed.
- What?
What did you do?
- No, I didn't threaten her.
I was just playing.
Plus I would never harm the
queen's newest amusement.
- Who the fuck is Bob Dylan?
- Really?
- Are you serious?
- Oh gosh. Here.
- He has funny hair.
- Sofia, you are as predictable as ever.
She always finds a way to work
Dylan into the conversation.
- That's not true.
Madeline brought it up.
- Sure, she did.
You would think that
over the past 250+ years,
you would have at least dated
one other famous person.
- I have.
I had an affair with Marie Antoinette
and I attended an orgy with Rasputin.
Though we all know what happened there.
- What happened there?
- Look it up darling.
- What are you all doing here?
Madeline said you should be asleep.
- I was hoping to have some
one-on-one time with you.
- But there are four of us.
Orgy time.
- Watch it, darling.
You don't want to be banished again.
If you want to get back into
the queen's good graces,
I am your first step.
Especially after that debacle last night.
- Look, Isabella may be immortal,
but her reign doesn't have to be.
There are much better people
that could take her place
and you know that.
- Bite your tongue!
Talk like that could get you defanged.
Or do you want to be banished again?
- My apologies, Dame Sofia.
Carry on.
- Damn, girl. You're the boss.
- Kieran likes to puff his feathers,
but he knows where the true power lies.
And he's a lot craftier than he appears.
- Like a snake in the grass.
- A poisonous snake with fangs.
- It is good to see
you're still in the game.
The queen has a special
surprise for you tonight.
- How do you do it?
How do you do this day in and day out,
knowing that at any second these monsters
could just end you on a whim?
- Confidence. And a few extras.
Never had to use it.
But I do spend a lot of time in church,
during the day, of course.
Oh, and this.
- Booze? Really?
- No. Holy water.
Father Lanigan is a friend.
- Hmm. Interesting.
- Now, I may be crazy, but I'm not a fool.
Here. Keep it for good luck.
- Thanks.
But no matter how many weapons you have,
they still outnumber us.
Doesn't the threat of danger
just eat away at you?
- Alice, you were with a man
who beat you, raped you,
and cut you so bad you
couldn't hide the scars.
But did you run away?
- No, I fought back.
I stabbed him 27 times.
And then I cut out that
motherfucker's liver,
pat dried it with paper towels,
sauteed it in butter,
added chopped onion,
plated it on a bed of dirty rice
and paired it with braised red cabbage.
And then I served it to
his asshole customers.
- Yeah, you're gonna do
just fine.
- Because I'm a fucking scorpion.
- Wow. You have been busy.
- Yep. I was inspired.
A new twist on the recipe.
- Sweet. Keep it fresh.
Well, not too fresh.
Little bit of rot adds to the taste.
- Ew.
Not in my dish.
- Know your audience, chef.
I'm serious about the rot. They like it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- All right. Fuck it.
Leave 'em out.
- Calling all celebrity chefs.
Wardrobe has arrived.
- What?
I hope you don't think that's for me.
- Unlike last night when
you were caught off guard,
tonight, you will be ready for prime time.
- No, I don't think so.
- Oh, this order comes straight
from Queen Isabella herself.
It's non-negotiable.
- You will not regret it.
This dress is spectacular.
It is custom fit to your shape.
- How the hell do you know my shape?
- Women are my muse.
Women are my purpose.
I have studied every inch of your body.
- Oh god. Stop.
Forget I asked.
- Look, you are the main act tonight.
You must be dressed
accordingly for the part.
Besides I've gotten to
think you're gonna like it.
- All right.
But I ain't changing in
front of you two perverts
so is there a dressing room in this joint?
- Of course, chef.
Come with me.
- Shit.
Oh, my gosh.
Okay, just one.
Make it count.
Showtime, chef.
- Uh, uh, just a second.
Um, a tricky zipper.
- Need my help?
- No.
Fuck it.
- I present to you, Chef Alice.
- Well, well. Brave girl.
My loving and loyal subjects.
Tonight, I celebrate what
makes this clan strong.
The tight bonds between us in our blood.
Loyalty is everything.
You all know your part,
where your place is,
and you also know what
happens when you disobey,
betray my loyalty.
Tonight is an object lesson for you all,
those of you who question my rule.
Under my rule, loyalty is rewarded.
Disloyalty is punished.
- Tonight, our show is called vengeance.
In the hands of the victim,
I place this instrument of retribution.
Betrayal is so great a
crime that a simple death
is a kindness that we will not grant.
As long as our queen's blood
is in this treacherous man,
he will feel every bit of pain that-
Ah! Well, there you have it.
Raw passion.
Unleashed rage.
Live. Unscripted.
Now, this, is entertainment.
And, we're done.
A round of applause for Chef Alice.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah. Just lost control of myself.
- My little rage monster.
- Shall we finish this bastard
in the traditional way?
Gordon Ramsay-Dahmer.
For crimes against Queen Isabella Knight
and the Cheshire Clan,
I send you back to hell.
- And as a special treat,
our lovely Chef Alice will
serve him up as the main course.
- Oh, I already prepared the meals.
- Fresh meat is on the menu tonight.
- It's admirable.
Ballsy, I'll give you that.
But there is no way in hell
you're gonna go meet
the queen with this on.
Right. Come on.
- I must say, Alice, at this rate,
you are gonna be sitting at
my side with these ladies.
- You must be joking.
This gutter trash?
We mustn't confuse the
wrapper with what's inside.
- I don't get confused about anything.
- Apologies, my queen.
- Alice, come sit.
Sofia, stretch your legs a bit.
- I was going to mingle with
the other guests anyhow.
Here you go.
Have a seat.
- You have blended with
our ways really fast.
Charles, I must say that you
outdid yourself this time.
- Well, thank you my queen.
I did follow Alice for quite some time.
And after her parole,
I was certain she'd be
an excellent candidate.
- I see.
- But considering how much
our last chef was a disappointment,
I wanted to be extra sure.
- You really must stop
beating yourself up for that.
Over 500 years disappointments
are about to happen.
- Of course.
But my pride.
As you very well know, I
never want to disappoint you.
- Which is why you're
such a loyal servant.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
- I don't belong here.
- No, you don't.
- All you have to do is let me go.
- I cannot.
I would be seen...
It would be a sign of weakness.
- I think,
I believe,
it would be a sign of loyalty.
- You're right, Alice.
Tonight is all about loyalty.
You've all seen how I punish,
but I reward loyalty as well.
From this moment forward,
you are free and safe.
No one will hunt you.
No one will harm you.
Take your new face and start anew.
- Well, hold on a minute.
Do you have any idea how
hard I worked on this?
I vetted her for months.
- Yes, I do.
And you did an excellent job, as always.
Now give her some traveling money.
Now be gone.
I suggest a sunny, far-off location
in case you have more
admirers from our club,
like Gordon over there.
- Yeah. It's not a perfect system.
- Yeah, you mentioned that.
- Oh, I read the book.
- "Alice in Wonderland?"
- Yeah, you inspired me.
- Hey, are you my ride?
- Are you Cindy?
- Uh, yeah.
Are you, I, I can't pronounce your name.
- John?
- Oh yeah, sorry.
I, um, yeah.
I'm just so used to people
pronouncing their names in bullshit ways.
I didn't wanna offend you.
- I get it. I have the same problem.
If you get somebody's name
wrong, they don't tip you.
- Yeah, no worries there.
I'm a big tipper.
- Great.
- It says our ride's here.
- Where?
- It's, it's right here.
What? Oh, now it's over there.
- Are, are you butt dialing me?
- Uh, no.
That's probably the person
I poached this ride from.
Hey, how about I tip you first
and then I'll pay the fare in cash?
- She had a one-star
rating, anyway.
Here. That's for VIP customers.
- Thanks.
- Like the man says, money
talks, bullshit walks.
- "'Oh, I've
had such a curious dream,'
said Alice, as she told her sister
about all these strange
adventures of hers.
And when she had finished,
her sister kissed her
and said, 'It was a curious dream, dear.
But now run home to your tea.'
So Alice got up and ran
off, thinking while she ran,
as well as she might,
what a wonderful dream it had been."