All I Wanna Do (1998) Movie Script
1
[GIRLS' CHOIR SINGING]
[SEGUE TO POP-ROCK]
GIRL: January 4, 1963.
Dear Dennis: I've been
abducted by my own parents.
They found out what we were
planning, and now they want me...
as far away from
you as possible.
I'm not coming back to Chancery.
They're hauling me and my horse...
[NO AUDIO] to some all-girls'
school in Connecticut.
They think I'll be safe surrounded
by high walls and lesbians.
This is the end of the world.
One look tells you,
this place eats the hairy bird.
You know, you are going to love it here.
My great-grandmother was class of 1903.
So, I'm fourth generation
to go here.
Both my mom and dad are
on the Board of Trustees.
So, obviously, we believe that Miss Godard's
is the finest girls' school in the east.
This is Miss Godard,
who founded the school.
She looks like an ax murderer.
Indeed, you will find...
the original ax on display
at the woodpile.
[LAUGHS] Hello, Miss McVane.
Hello, Abby.
Kindly explain my joke
to the new girl.
Well, one of the rules is if you're
late to class, you have to chop wood.
You must be Odette Sinclair.
Welcome.
I know it's a difficult adjustment from
a coed academy to a girls' school.
If I can help ease the transition,
come see me in my office.
Carry on, Abby.
Who was that?
Zorro?
Oh, that's Miss McVane, the headmistress.
She really great.
[TRUMPET]
[GIRLS SCREAMING]
[GIRLS SHOUTING] Verena, Tinka!
You've got a new roommate!
TOGETHER: What?
She's from Detroit!
TOGETHER: What? We take the honor
system very seriously here.
Miss Godard believed that the
girls should govern themselves...
in order to learn to take
responsibility for their actions.
What's this?
This? Oh... [LAUGHS]
I'm a monitor. I'm on the
self-government committee.
Elected nine times now.
So, I have nine stars.
Taking a break. You're
absolutely not allowed to smoke.
Uh, where are you going?
To visit my horse.
I was going to warn you
about your roommates.
But now, I don't think I will.
She's got five pairs
of Pappagallo's.
She's got a great stereo!
Men on the floor!
Come along now, girls.
Scurry, scurry.
Will you get into your room?
There's men on the floor.
GIRLS: Hey, baby!
Walkin' the dog [GIRLS GIGGLING]
You can't twist to this music.
It's too slow.
Just a-walkin' the dog
[SIGHS] Now, there's no
place to dance, anyway.
If you don't know how to do it,
I'll show you how to walk the dog
Ooh, this must be the boyfriend.
"Love, Dennis." Ohh!
[GIGGLING]
[BOTH GASP]
I did not give you permission to play
my records. [NEEDLE SCRATCHING]
Welcome! I'm Tinka Parker.
And this is Verena Von Stefan.
Art thou perchance Odette?
Odie.
Those are my shoes.
We always borrow each other's things.
I loathe and abhor this place.
I don't see how you can say that
when you're from Detroit.
So, Odie, what are you
doing here at Miss God-Awful?
How come you had to
transfer from Chancery?
Oh, no doubt things were getting too
hot and heavy with Dennis the Penis.
Up your ziggie with
a wah-wah brush.
TOGETHER: What?
[BOTH GIGGLING]
Say that again.
Up your ziggie with a wah-wah brush.
That's priceless.
Where did you hear that?
I made it up. [BELL RINGS ]
TOGETHER: Dinner!
Go back up and sew up that hem.
Hold it.
Why, Abby and Susie.
Sieg Heil!
Parker!
Take those off.
Why? They're not jewelry.
They're office supplies.
Off. Or I'll report you to Miss McVane.
[SCOFFS]
Abby, up your ziggie
with a wah-wah brush.
So, what's she like? Mm,
she could be improved.
We've decided not
to get rid of her.
She's got a great record collection.
Geez. Yum!
Odious, this is Tweety
Goldberg and Momo Haines. Hi.
[SINGING IN LATIN]
Ignoramus
Purple Penis
[STOPS]
Are you carrying Dennis' child?
[LAUGHS]
You can tell Tinka. She's
had four pregnancy scares.
Four.
Was it beautiful?
Do you actually expect me
to answer these questions?
But we're curious. We all have
our hymens, except Tinka.
That's enough. Clearly, she
doesn't want to describe it.
It's like hog wrestling.
Isn't that right, Odious?
Oh, I don't even think she's
done it with Dennis yet.
Are you gonna eat that?
OTHER GIRLS: Tweety!
Where's my ipecac?
You hid it!
No! Oh, God! I knew it!
Tweety, no, no. Give it... No!
Let go of me, Momo!
Tweety, don't do it!
Give me the bottle. Ow!
Fine. Make yourself sick. You're
only gonna be hungry again later.
[VOMITING]
[TOILET FLUSHES]
She swallows ipecac syrup, and then 15
minutes later she heaves up everything.
Ipecac causes convulsions
in the alimentary canal.
Are you taking chemistry?
Yes.
Great! Mrs. Dewey is the most
adorable teacher in the school.
She's gonna help me
to get into M.I.T.
Who's your advisor?
Mr. Dewey.
Eew, Mr. Dewey!
Eew, he's a lech.
[BELL RINGING]
Good night, Tinka.
Good night, Verena.
Good night, Dennis.
Ohh! Dennis!
Harder! Deeper!
[SNICKERING]
[MOANING]
[GIGGLING]
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
[GIGGLING]
ODETTE: Dear Dennis:
I Miss you so much.
I'm perishing in this penal colony.
I'm completely alone.
My roommates are demented.
Dear mother and father:
Today, I was elected...
to the Security Council
of the model U.N.
I'm so popular
I got to play Russia.
Dear mom and dad: Today was dress
rehearsal for death of a salesman.
My roommate plays Willy Loman. Ben! A
man has got to add up to something!
Dear Dennis: Maybe I can escape from
here and we can meet in New York.
[SNIFFLING]
[DROPLETS PLOPPING]
[SNIFFLING]
[KNOCKING]
[DOOR CLOSING]
[SNIFFLES]
Oh, good morning, Odette.
What can I do for you?
I'd like to know why you turned down
my request for a pass this weekend.
You wanted to go into New York to
see a horse show... [SNIFFLES]
Alone and unchaperoned and your parents
worry you may run off to meet some boy.
I'm required to keep
you here on weekends,
unless you're invited
by a friend whom they approve.
[KNUCKLES CRACKING]
Dear, I can think of no better
cure for your... [SNIFFLES]
Conspicuous misery
than to make some friends.
Don't reject them.
They're not just girls.
They're you.
And if you get to know them, then
you'll be discovering yourself.
And that is, believe it or not, as great
an adventure as the opposite sex.
Thank you.
[SNIFFLES]
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
For the most part, your papers ranged from
the merely adequate to the completely vapid.
With the exception of one.
Miss Sinclair, I congratulate you on
your grasp of Pan-European politics.
Now, remember, ladies,
tomorrow's assignment will...
Verena, may I know the reason
you're so late? Cramps.
I wonder what would happen to American foreign
policy if President Kennedy got cramps.
Possibly, history has already been
influenced by his bad back, sir.
Please submit a paper tomorrow
supporting your thesis, Von Stefan.
Miss Parker, do you have
any views on this subject?
No.
Hmm.
Plenty of room
but no views, hmm?
Oh. Just as I thought. Empty.
Tomorrow's assignment... What?
[BELL RINGING] review chapters
seven through 11 in the Palmer.
Come see me
in my office after lunch.
If I'm not mistaken,
you show a genuine interest
in political theory.
Yeah.
Kind of, I guess.
I'm going to be attending a series of
lectures over the next few weekends...
in New York City,
which you might enjoy.
I'm sure I can arrange
for Miss McVane's permission.
And perhaps even
extra credit as well.
New York.
Between you and me,
Miss Godard's isn't exactly...
a healthy environment
for an energetic...
and...
curious young spirit.
We wouldn't want the hall monitors to
catch you with lint on your jacket.
Girls have been shot for less.
I'm so fat, I could die.
Look who's here.
Why, Odious.
Hi, guys.
Oh, my God. She's actually
talking to us today.
[LAUGHING] What
happened with Dewey?
Did he feel you up?
He invited me to a lecture in New York.
You didn't say you'd go with him, did you?
He wants your bod.
Ladies, it's time to put on
our thinking caps.
Somehow, we've got
to get rid of him.
But then we'd lose
Mrs. Dewey, whom we adore.
Yeah. But if she knew he was
a pervert, she'd divorce him.
Right. She's got
to see some proof.
Like when my mom found those
pictures in my dad's desk.
Well, uh, I thought that maybe if I went to
New York I could sneak away and see Dennis.
You don't need Dewey
to go to New York.
All you have to do is ask us.
[SNORING]
[LAUGHING]
It's easy to get a weekend pass. All
you need is a letter from your mother.
Dear Miss McVane: Tinka will be joining me
in New York City the weekend of the 20th.
Blah, blah, blah. So, what I need is
a pass that lets me get out alone.
That's what it is. Tinka takes the train into
New York and stays at my mom's apartment.
She's in Europe for the year and
Tinka's mom is in Boca Raton.
Wait a minute. So this is... I
do all the mothers' letters.
Tweety wins
our prize every year.
Miss Godard's girls are very talented.
Let me see that.
Guys, wait!
How do you mail it
so it has the right postmark?
You mail it to one of your friends
back home, and they mail it for you.
Miss Godard's girls
are very organized.
[CHATTERING]
[ENGINE REVVING]
[ENGINE REVVING]
[ENGINE REVVING]
Guys, I think I'm in love.
GIRL: Do you have something
I could... Schoolmaids!
Hi, I'm Snake. This is Skunk,
Groundhog, Possum and Beagle.
We're the... [SNAPS FINGERS]
[IN UNISON] Flat Critters.
What is this?
We're a photography club.
We take pictures of animals
who have been run over.
Show 'em, Skunk.
Eew. Eew. Eew.
Eew!
I love this woman!
She's everything anyone could
need. Poise and personality.
Straight teeth, rich parents.
Go away and leave us alone.
Her name is Tinka Parker.
[PURRS]
Tinka.
Her name is Tinka.
Now you are my dream. And you can
take away my money, my food.
You can take away my home.
You can take away my car!
But if you take away my dream I'm
nothing but a... [SNAPS FINGERS]
[IN UNISON]
Flat Critter!
[WOMAN SHRIEKS] What are you doing?
Bring that back!
[MAN SHOUTING] Come back with
that hat, you little punk!
So, explain to me one thing.
[GIRLS CHATTERING]
Why can't I have you?
Because you are lower than dirt.
You're subterranean. You're
a townie, for Christ sakes.
I don't know you!
We haven't been introduced.
Is that how people fall in love in
your world? They're "introduced"?
Come on!
How sad.
How tragic! People like that
are... [SNAPS FINGERS]
[IN UNISON] Flat Critters!
Eek!
Wo-wo-wo-wo-wo!
[GIRLS SCREAMING]
MAN: Now, hold on,
you young studs!
Hey, Tinka!
Tinka!
[BELL TOLLING] So, do
you really dig that guy?
I have some dignity, you know.
Odie, you're supposed to wear the
blazer on all trips into the ville.
Didn't you know that?
Yes, I did.
But, actually, I have a complaint
about the school jacket.
I find it a little too restraining.
Cuts off flow of blood to my breasts.
[LAUGHING]
Five demerits.
You will stay in study hall till
bedtime every night for a week.
By God!
What?
What is that on your nose? You know, at
first, I thought it was just freckles.
But now that I'm up close,
I see. It is dried poo-poo.
[LAUGHING] Now, does Miss McVane
simply pull down her underwear...
and bend over? [
LAUGHING] Six demerits.
Eight demerits.
Nine! Ten! [BARKS]
Arf! Arf!
[LAUGHING]
That was breathtaking.
Thank you.
You really have
a fantastic way with words.
You should be a speechwriter
or a demagogue or something.
You think? I mean, I've always been
kind of interested in politics.
Excellent.
Odious, we'd like to invite
you to join the D.A.R.
Oh, I'm not a Republican.
Oh, I should hope not.
We'd like to show you something.
Always make sure nobody's looking,
because nobody knows about this door.
There's a door back here? Yeah. Last
year, I went behind this tree...
to hide from the
monitors and I saw it.
This is the attic.
We're right under the roof here. It runs
all the way along the school, you know.
From the dorms, to administration,
under the theater.
Just about anywhere. And
the kitchen, don't forget!
Wow... That's all
she cares about.
Anyhow, we got the place to ourselves.
Mostly.
The only people who come up here are
the maintenance men once in a while.
They store old furniture and
stuff... and then we steal it.
So far, nobody's
discovered our secret room.
This is where
the D.A.R. meets.
Mmm! We can get any
canned food we want to up here.
They store boxes
of it over the kitchen.
What exactly
is the D.A.R.?
It stands for Daughters
of the American Ravioli.
Cold ravioli. I think
it's better cold.
In the D.A.R., we share our most
secret dreams of what we want to be.
Most of the girls
here at Miss Godard's,
they've got all the opportunities
to become something...
A good upbringing, a good
education, they're loaded.
But, in ten years, they'll be married
with three kids and two cars,
a colonial, a collie...
They're finished.
That's why it's called
a finishing school.
But we, the D.A.R., have
other plans for ourselves.
I'm going to become a pioneer biologist
and find a cure for something.
I'm going to start
my own magazine.
Like Vogue.
I'm going to call it Moi.
I'm going to be a psychiatrist. I'm going
to be on the cover of M magazine...
as a famous
actress-folksinger-slut.
And Momo will be my doctor
and Tweety will be my shrink.
We all pledge to help each
other achieve our ambitions,
no matter how big or small,
for our whole life to come.
So now, Odette Sinclair,
what is your
most cherished dream?
I would like to be an ex-virgin.
Your great ambition in life is to lay
with your legs in the air like a bug?
[LAUGHING] I went home for
Christmas and I got a diaphragm.
Before I could use it, my mother
found it and sent me here.
So now, all I want to do is what I
was about to before I got caught.
All right. If you join
the D.A.R., we'll organize...
a secret "Randy-vous" for you and Dennis
to meet at my mom's apartment in New York.
But how do I join?
First, you must undergo a little test...
to prove your sincerity.
Which brings us to another
item on our agenda.
Yes.
Mr. Dewey has got to go.
And you can help. You're
the only one who has French...
in the same room
right after Mr. Dewey's class.
[BELL RINGING]
Okay.
Sinclair, your mother called, but nobody
could find you. Where have you been?
None of your floppin' buggies.
[BELL CHIMES] Time's up, ladies.
Please pass your papers to the right.
Package from home?
Yeah. My mom sent me a quilt.
Verena, why are you so late?
You've missed an entire period.
You mean, I'm pregnant?
[CLASSMATES LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING CONTINUES]
[BELL RINGS]
Where's my briefcase? Um, maybe you
left it in the faculty lounge.
That's impossible.
By the way, sir, I'm sorry but I can't
go to New York with you this weekend.
Hmm?
Well, perhaps another time.
Good morning,
Mademoiselle Odette.
Comment Allez-vous?
Tres bien, merci.
Whose is this?
Oh, let's see.
[GASPS, SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
Can you really order this stuff?
Miss McVane!
Oh, look!
This one has three speeds.
Call Frank Dewey in here.
So, where's you find
all that stuff, Verena?
I stole it
from my dad's collection.
I found his secret
hiding place last year.
He likes anything with
whips and stuff. Eew!
Guys, cool it.
The warden.
Sinclair and Von Stefan,
you will come with me to Miss
McVane's office, right now.
Verena, I wonder if you
realize how hard it is...
to attract male teachers
to Miss Godard's.
They consider girls' schools
the bottom of the barrel.
We certainly don't pay them
enough to alter their opinion.
So, we are fortunate indeed...
to have Mr. Dewey
on the faculty.
Yes. He's a very good lecher.
I mean, teacher.
There's some sort of conspiracy
afoot to discredit Mr. Dewey.
He is upset. I have no proof,
but my instinct tells me...
that you are behind
this little gambit.
What gambit?
Think of it as a tribute to your talents...
that I suspect you.
Oh, you're very smart, Von Stefan,
but mainly in the derriere.
Now, at Miss Godard's we try to educate
the mind and not the buttocks.
So, unless your smarts begin migrating
from your heinie to your head,
the next time you find yourself in this office
will be the occasion of your dismissal.
This is so unfair.
I don't even know what...
I have asked Abby to keep
an eye on you and to report...
anything she construes
as misconduct.
Yes, Miss McVane.
Abby, you may return to study hall.
Verena, when young people of one sex
are cooped up for too long in a place,
there is an unhealthy disposition
to plotting and cruel mischief.
I really think you'd benefit
from a weekend away from here,
yet I see that you've chosen to remain on
campus since the beginning of the year.
I know your mother is still in
Paris, but you have friends...
who would invite you
to their houses.
I love it here.
It's my home.
No, dear, it's not.
I'm sorry about your parents' separation.
Must have been a rough summer.
Do you want to talk about it?
No.
I mean... [SIGHS]
it's an unfair world.
[PLOP]
You may be right.
[SIGHS] On your way out, please
tell Odette to come in here.
Odette, sit down.
[SIGHS]
Odette, I received a letter from your
mother requesting a weekend pass.
Yes. This weekend. However, your mother
happened to call this morning...
about a tuition payment and,
when I mentioned the letter,
she knew nothing about it.
[PLOPPING CONTINUES]
Not a half-bad forgery.
I am referring this
to the committee.
Odette Sinclair,
the committee has decided...
not to recommend expulsion
and give you a second chance.
However, you are grounded for the
remainder of the school year.
I would like to rebut.
You're not allowed a rebuttal.
It's a filibuster.
I have the floor.
ABBY: We don't allow that, either.
What is this, a junta?
[R&B BALLAD]
I, I who have nothing
I'm grounded.
I never leave.
You promised to help and
instead you made things worse.
[SCOFFS] Hey. We didn't
get rid of Dewey either.
You can't collapse because
of some minor disappointment.
You get tougher. In the
D.A.R., we have a saying:
"No more
little white gloves."
I love you Come on.
Let's go out for a smoke.
We'll just have to organize some way for
Dennis to meet you here instead of New York.
Somewhere private where
you can do the dirty deed.
Is that possible? I'll
think of something.
I promise. But it's a waste
of my mental skills.
I'd rather be planning
your political career.
[SCOFFS] You shouldn't
be thinking about sex.
It's so trite. Come on. I'm supposed
to be thinking about it at my age.
Don't you ever? Why do you think my
brain is so swift and uncluttered?
Come on. There must be someone you like.
[GIGGLES]
[SIGHS] Alas, I lust for no one.
Not even you.
[BOTH GIGGLING]
[BELL RINGING]
Tinka! Tinka!
[MOTOR WHIRRING]
[BONGOS]
Tinka, the wind calls your name.
And the pond, and the trees,
and the... pachysandra...
[BONGOS CONTINUE]
And the stars, and the moon...
You! Pests! Go home! And the
vines... They all call your name.
Who's that? Tinka!
It ain't Gidget.
I'll call the guards!
You do that!
Snake?
Get out of here!
Tinka, come away with me, girl. Tonight's
the night we're gonna get introduced.
No! We gotta go! [WHIRRING]
Tinka! Tinka! [GUARDS SHOUTING
] I know what you look like!
Momo, are there
any Triscuits left?
No, Tweety.
Oh, I'm so hungry. My stomach is raging.
'Cause you ralphed supper.
[SIGHS]
I'm gonna get some ravioli.
Tweety... Don't get caught!
[GASPS]
[GROANS]
MAN: What was that?
MAN 2: Someone...
[KEYS JANGLING]
[LOCK CLICKS]
Oh, my God.
Who's there?
MISS MCVANE: I don't believe it.
MAN: What happened?
[SIGHS] The ceiling has
caved in from the leak.
MAN: This... This proves our point.
It does not!
I think we're all making
a terrible mistake...
not to consult
the alumni and parents.
MAN: We make a special appeal every year,
and we only get enough for Band-Aids.
Eve Godard founded this school
because she believed...
that girls had a better
chance to grow strong...
away from the irresistible
domination of men.
She used to say, "We build them
up so you can't tear them down."
They come first here.
If we merge with the boys' academy,
the girls will come second.
They shouldn't have to learn such a
bitter lesson at this crucial age.
St. Ambrose is one
of the oldest and finest...
boys' prep schools in the East.
I have bailed this school
out year after year.
But if the board rejects
this brilliant proposal,
I will cancel my support.
MAN: Page.
Now, may we put this son
of a bitch to a vote?
All those in favor
of coeducation.
Hurry up!
Guys, listen to what
Tweety just found out.
[TWEETY WHISPERING] Miss Godard's
is going coed with St. Ambrose.
St. Ambrose Academy?
Shh! We're not supposed to know!
Next year! Why? It's a disaster!
St. Ambrose boys
are so cute!
Why can't we just... This is the
best thing to happen since Midol.
Boys at Miss Godard's. Oh, yeah. You would
just go out and greet them with open legs.
Hey, guys. Now they're gonna have to
call it Miss Gonads. [ALL LAUGHING]
Goldberg, Haines.
Back to your room.
Not another blessed peep
out of the rest of you!
[DOOR CLOSES] The D.A.R. meets
tomorrow night after classes.
[GIRLS ARGUING] It's
not going to be okay!
I'm not going
to get into M.I.T. now!
If I apply with a lot of boys from the same
school, you know they'll accept the boys first!
That's not true.
Yes, it is!
ODIE: All I ever hear
is girls complaining...
how lonely and bored they are, right?
Oh, yes.
MOMO: Tinka, maybe. Not me! I
can stand a little loneliness!
This is a school! We're all
trying to get smarter!
If St. Ambrose merges with us, instead
we'll all be killing ourselves to be cute.
Right! Just imagine. We'll have
to wash our hair every night.
We'll have to sleep on rollers
till our scalp bleeds.
Then we'll have to get up at 6:00
every morning for the comb-out.
Your lungs will
be lined with hair spray.
Then, you need all this
equipment to push up the tits...
and blitz the zits
and spray the pits.
MOMO: She's right. Then-Then
you stagger into class...
[GROANS] and you look
perfect but you're exhausted.
You're too tired to even think!
But that's okay...
because the teachers,
they won't call on you anyway!
Also, you don't want to be smarter
than the boys. They don't like that.
So to wake up, you drink some coffee
at lunch but don't eat the food.
You'll be on a permanent diet! I'm not gonna
change the way I am 'cause boys are around.
Oh, come off it, Tweety.
I've seen you at school dances.
It's like The Three Faces of Eve. You
turn into this simpering, fawning...
Verena. Verena! Wretch, and the whole
next week, we have to put up with your...
suicide attempts because your date
didn't like you! Verena, stop.
Shut up! [GROANS] Verena!
Now, you've done it.
Don't listen to her, Tweety.
ODIE: That was really
uncalled-for, Vagina.
Look, Von Stefan. I know you like this
place the way it is, but wake up!
It's not real life. Real life
is boy-girl, boy-girl. No!
Real life is boy on top of girl!
Would you two stop it?
You should know that.
Oh...
Look. It looks like this is going to
happen whether we like it or not,
so we're just going to have to adjust.
Yes, we're gonna have to adjust.
Where would we be now if
President Kennedy had said,
"Oh, well, we'll just have to
adjust to living in the shadow...
of nuclear warheads on Cuba"?
There ya go!
They're just boys, Verena,
not communists.
Ha! I'm not gonna live in the
shadow of the hairy bird!
Well, that's your prob.
You're afraid of boys!
Order. Order! Oh, you'd be
afraid of boys too, except...
Order! You've got nothing
left to lose, Miss Tinka!
Prude! Tramp!
Truce! Quiet!
Come on! Have some ravioli. Oh...
[SIGHS]
Here's what I propose.
The St. Ambrose Choir is coming down
for a dance and concert in May.
Obviously, this is a trial
to see if we all get along.
So, we must make
the boys look so awful...
the trustees will have to cancel
the merge of our two schools.
What do you mean, "we"?
Count me out.
You're in the D.A.R. You have to help.
Well, then, I quit.
Me too.
What about you, Odie?
Maybe it wouldn't be that bad,
having boys here.
I mean, it doesn't have to be about sex,
right? They can just be our friends.
Just like we're friends.
Friends? Look at us!
Just mention boys,
and everybody's a traitor.
So, are you going to stay and help
them with their nasty little plan?
Come on, Verena.
Don't do it.
It's pathetic. You all want to sell
out the school because you're horny!
[SIGHS]
Well, the D.A.R. is dead.
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS] Long live The
Hairy Bird Committee.
Hear, hear! Okay. Let's get some
ideas for the St. Ambrose dance.
How can we put them
in a bad light?
What sort of boys would your parents
never allow you to consort with?
Okay. Okay, well...
If they were drunks.
Mmm.
Or sex fiends.
Good.
Good night, Verena.
So what do you want this time?
[SIGHS] I need 20 pounds of sugar.
No problem.
And about two dozen
liquor bottles.
No. I don't want
trouble.
I'm talking about empty bottles.
Ah. Okay.
Fifty dollars.
Tomas! Do I look
like I'm made of money?
[LAUGHS]
[LIQUID BUBBLING]
It's ready. Ahh. Good timing.
I need a drink.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Down the hatch!
[COUGHING]
Ohh! Whoo!
[GIGGLES]
It's at least a thousand proof.
Now, try it
with some apple juice.
[SIGHS]
[COUGHS, PANTS]
Momo, you're a genius!
[GIRLS SHOUTING]
Keep going, men. Play defense.
Get ready for the bully.
This shouldn't be a secret. You should tell
all the others about the school going coed.
Throw the whole question into debate.
You tell a single soul,
and I'll tell Abby Sawyer
about your plans for Dennis.
I know what you're afraid of. You're afraid
they actually might like the idea, right?
And everything has to be your way,
no matter what anybody else wants.
You're a totalitarian.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
Come on, Verena, the school going
coed is not the end of the world.
You don't understand! You don't
belong here! You don't deserve it!
[KNOCKING]
Abby, your parents are downstairs.
Oh, okay. Thanks.
Have a nice weekend, Ab.
Bye.
[SHRIEKS]
What happened
to Abby Sawyer's hair?
Someone put peroxide
in her setting lotion.
[SOBBING]
They all hate me.
Nobody could hate you, sugar.
Page.
We'll be up in a second.
Sometimes...
I just want to tear off all my stars
and be just like everybody else.
Abby Sawyer,
when you are at the top,
there are always jealous people
who try to shoot you down.
Well, you just pick up
your chin and you say, "pooh"!
Now, when we get home tonight, we'll
put a nice rinse on that hair.
Tonight? I thought I was going
with you now. Come on, Harvey.
We have a meeting of the Board of
Trustees, lovey. But I'm all packed.
Abby, in a couple of weeks you will
understand what all the mystery is about.
I can't even remember what they look like.
[CHUCKLES]
Anyway, I think it's important...
I'm here to see my daughter.
Tinka Parker.
Uh, dear, will you tell
Tinka her father's here?
Tinka's dad's dead.
Excuse me. I think I left
my yacht running. Hee-hee...
[CACKLING]
Get the guard!
G'day!
The plan needs a final flourish.
A dagger in the heart
of St. Ambrose.
Do you suppose any of the boys in the
choir is related to one of the trustees?
Let's check the yearbook. I think
there's a list of trustees.
[BOYS CHATTERING]
Uh, hello.
VERENA: Hello. Is this Mr.
Frost to whom I'm speaking?
Yeah. This is Mrs. Mortimer
Frost calling from England.
My husband has just passed
away and left an inheritance.
I'm trying to locate his heirs.
Are you, by any chance,
Bradley Stoner Frost, Jr.?
No. He's my grandfather.
Ahh. And your grandfather is a member
of the St. Ambrose Board of Trustees?
Yes. Well, up your ziggie
with a wah-wah brush.
Yup. He's in the choir.
He's mine.
Let me in, wee-ooh
Wee-ooh, wee-ooh
Ooh, wee-ooh
Wee-ooh, wee-ooh
Ooh, wee-ooh Wee-ooh
I can see the dance band
The silhouettes on the shade
I hear the music
All the lovers on parade
Open up
I want to come in again
I thought you were my friend
Pitter-patter of those feet
Movin' and a-groovin'
with that beat
Jumpin' and stompin'
on the floor
Let me in, open up
Let me in Open up
Why don't you
open up that door
I hear music Let me in
The master race has arrived.
Headmaster... Headmaster Armstrong.
Yes.
And this is Mr. Bert Chubb,
one of our housemasters,
and Graham John,
our choirmaster.
Uh, how do you do
and welcome to Miss Godard's.
We've got about 80 dollars
in the kitty.
It goes to whoever's date
has the largest set of nay-nays.
You must furnish proof. Our roving
photographer will find you.
Let's go.
Masterly.
[WHISPERING, CHATTER]
And then there's the brown one.
She's the biggest one...
Girls, you have about 20 minutes
to show your dates around campus.
Then, when you hear the bell, please escort
them to the dining room for an early dinner.
There will be a tea
dance at 6:00.
And then the concert
tonight at 8:00.
Come forward when
we call your names.
Schumacher.
Burgess.
Hi, my name's Charles.
[WOLF WHISTLE]
[LAUGHING]
Fanning.
Delacorte.
[GIGGLING]
Winslow.
MISS PHIPPS: Goldberg.
Todd Winslow.
How do you do?
Theresa Goldberg. Nice to meet you.
[GASPS]
BOY: We've got a winner.
BOY 2: I think we do have a winner.
[SNIDE CHUCKLING]
CHUBB: Purvis.
PHIPPS: Wang.
Hi.
Frost.
Sawyer.
Hmph. Miss Phipps, I was supposed
to get Frost. I signed up for him.
Abby, you changed the list?
Verena, everyone has been
matched by height.
You are too tall
for Mr. Frost.
You date is Mr. Bateman.
[WHISPERING]
I'm-I'm Conrad. Or you can call me Connie
or Darnoc, which is my name backwards.
[SIGHS]
Come on, Car Wreck.
Well, I think Nixon lost the election
because of his enormous jowls.
[LAUGHING]
You're terrible.
I mean, the least he could have done
was put a brassiere on for television.
Stop, please!
I'll burst!
What size cup would
you say he was?
Are you a soprano or an alto?
I'm a tenor but I can go...
as high as an alto, because
sometimes... Excuse me for a moment.
Oh!
Oh, I'm so maladroit!
FROST: Oh, geez. Are you all right?
Can you ever forgive me?
Never.
Better go change.
I will be right back.
Oh...
My name's Verena. Have you
seen the gym, Mr. Frost?
Uh, Frosty.
Frosty Frost.
ODETTE: Dear Dennis: Be careful no one
sees you when you come in the back way.
You'll be safe once you
put on the jacket and tie.
Then everyone will think
you're a St. Ambrose boy.
Don't forget to put
the rubbers in your pocket.
If a guard stops you, eat them.
ARMSTRONG: What an
extraordinarily attractive group...
of young ladies
you have at Miss Godard's.
Won't they look good
on the cover of your brochure?
Yes. Might encourage
enrollment.
Or we could redesign
their school uniform:
Shorter skirts,
plunging necklines.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, I...
[SIGHS]
Are we allowed to be in here?
No.
You want one?
Uh...
We could get high.
What, with aspirin and Coke?
Come off it. [CHUCKLES
] That doesn't work.
But did you ever try
Midol with Coke?
No.
[SIGHS]
Wow, you're pretty vigorous.
These look more like Miltowns.
I wish they were.
[CLEARS THROAT] My mom, she
eats 'em like potato chips.
She's exceptionally happy, but she
bumps into the furniture a lot.
Just like my mom. Where do
you think I got the pills?
So they are Miltowns?
No. No, Midols... for cramps.
Ah.
My ma doesn't get cramps
anymore, she gets subpoenas.
What? She and my dad are constantly
slugging it out in court.
It's a situation I don't like
being in the middle of.
I know.
It's not much fun.
Oh, you know what is fun though?
Codeine and rubber cement.
I can be a lot of fun.
No doubt.
I have a reputation for being
sort of wild and loose.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
You got... Co-Could I have
another Midol?
[WHISPERS]
Thanks.
Would you like to come up
to my room later?
Ah, you're allowed
to have boys in your dorm?
Of course not. But there's a secret door
I'll show you. You won't get caught.
Well I'd love it
if I got caught.
Yeah. I've tried and tried to get
kicked out of St. Ambrose, but...
my grandfather, he'd just get
me kicked right back in.
He's head of
the board of trustees.
Why don't you like the school?
I don't fit in.
It's...
All the guys at St. Ambrose are
marchin' off the same cliff, you know.
The seat on the stock exchange. The wife.
The three-point-two children.
Yeah. The colonial. The collie.
Yeah.
How you feeling?
[LAUGHS]
No cramps.
[CREAKING]
Gee whiz
Look in his eyes
Gee whiz
How they hypnotize
He's got everything
[CONTINUES, INDISTINCT]
It's been a long time.
Yeah.
You seem taller.
No.
I'm the same.
Gee whiz
[CHATTERING, INDISTINCT] Verena, you may
not abandon your date. That's the rule.
But Abby left him.
I'll take care of Mr. Frost
until Abby gets back.
Now go and be a proper hostess
to Mr. Bateman.
Have you seen
the new science building?
This is great. Every 15 minutes
I get a new date. [CHUCKLES]
Verena.
That's Hungarian, right?
But then it'd be, [HUNGARIAN
ACCENT] Verena. Excuse me,
See I... I have to set
up the refreshments.
[CONTINUES]
I love that guy
Gee whiz
My valentine So...
we're really gonna do it
this time?
Yeah. I mean,
if you still want to.
Are you kidding?
Did you bring, um... Yeah.
Bourbon,
and, ah...
Conceptive foam?
Dennis, I thought you were going
to bring, you know, rubbers.
This is something new.
The girl puts it in.
Eew.
I can't read this.
Okay.
Here's the diagram.
I think you have to
lie back with...
your knees up to get it in.
Look out, Jerry Look out
There's a big bad bird
that's flyin' high
GIRL: It's good to see you.
Twist that pony Do the bird with me
Aye yah yah yah yah yah
Twist that pony
Do the bird with me
Aye yah yah yah yah yah
Looks like this dance is, ah, going
pretty good, huh? She's lookin' at ya.
Are you gonna ask
that guy to dance?
Do the bird Do the bird
Do the shimmy shimmy
Do the bird Do the bird
Do the bird Do the bird
Come on we're gonna
Twist and ride
Pony ride shake and shout
Harder and harder
Hey, baby,
do the bird with me
Yes
Come on, baby,
to the sky up above
Some libation, please.
Yah yah yah yah yah
[CONTINUES, INDISTINCT]
This is special stuff
we made just for you.
If you want some more,
ask for the mystery punch.
It's spiked.
Masterly.
D-Did you guys taste the punch?
Come on.
Let's go get some more.
[ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Hold the applicator
firmly upright...
and apply pressure downwards.
[GRUNTS]
I am.
Did you shake it well?
Give it to me.
Okay.
[SCREAMS]
[SCOFFS]
Good going, Dennis.
Maybe we could get it in
with a spoon.
The girls would move
into this house.
I want to inform you
that I was not born yesterday.
I know precisely
what is going on here.
I beg your pardon. This whole
scheme was cooked up...
by Harvey Sawyer
and his real estate buddies.
They want to buy this campus
for subdivision.
This has nothing to do with me,
or with you, for that matter.
The merger is a fait accompli.
We must forge on and look on the positive
side. There is no positive side.
With all due respect, Miss McVane,
I think you were born yesterday.
I fail to see any way...
that Miss Godard's benefits from
an association with St. Ambrose...
We have a rich
and very generous alumni.
That should be enough for you. It's
a bottom-of-the-heap school...
for boys who are too dumb
or unruly to...
I'll have to report to the trustees that
you and I are unable to work together.
Of course, one of us...
will be removed.
I apologize.
Please forgive me.
Wouldn't you be happier
if you resigned?
I can't.
Miss Godard's...
is my home.
I know that feeling.
[GLASS RATTLING]
That your love's untrue
You're all done?
Uh-huh.
Come on, beautiful.
Let's begin the beguine.
Later, Car Wreck.
First, suck on this.
But now you come to me
sayin'
Baby, I'm gonna leave ya
And I'm beggin' ya this time,
darlin' don't make me believe ya
Baby, baby, baby, baby
Don't, don't, don't, don't
Baby, baby, don't play with
my heart Don't, don't
[GROANS]
[CONTINUES, INDISTINCT] Look at Tinka.
She's at it again.
Do you know you can tell the way a
person is by the texture of the skin...
on the back of their hand.
It's very soft.
You're sensitive and refined.
Ooh. It's rough.
Yeah. I'm callous
and unfeeling.
[LAUGHING]
Get out, you.
Theresa...
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Break it up, please.
Is there somewhere where we could be alone?
We could try the gym.
Bring him to me Masterly.
Bring him to me
I'm asking God in His house
And the angels above
To send me send me,
send me [SCREAMS]
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
[BOY LAUGHING]
Oh!
Poor Abby.
This is not your night.
Better go change.
You stay away from my date.
I am warning you!
Verena. My friends
all tell me
Go to him, run to him What
is wrong with that Frost boy?
And tell him He's a
perpetual problem, that one.
He's all wrong Get him outta here.
Go! Go!
He's in my heart I know it
But it's so hard to show it
'Cause it's easier
[LOUD THUD, INDISTINCT]
Easier said than done
My body's tellin' me fight
with him sigh to him
Tell him I would die
for him and tell him
He's the one
[MOANING]
Come on. Although he gives me a
feeling that sets my heart a reelin'
Yeah, it's easier easier
said than done [LAUGHING]
[GROANS]
Well, I know that I
love him so... I know
Hey, girl I want you to know
I-I-I'll stop if you want me to.
Yeah. No.
If you go Bye-bye, baby
And, hey, girl
[SOFT THUD, INDISTINCT]
Did you hear something? No.
Something deep
inside of me is going
To die
If this is good-bye
No, I beg you, please
Bye-bye, baby
Don't go away
[GASPS]
Masterly.
No, no, no, no, no
no, no, don't
Don't go away Bye-bye, baby
Hey, hey, hey
Just keep your mouth shut.
Schumacher.
You owe me 80 bucks. We got the photos.
We got...
How big were the nay-nays?
They were like watermelons.
No. No. I don't know
about that one.
Maybe more like kumquats.
[LOUD SQUEAL]
Hey, who are you guys?
Want something, fellas?
Get 'em! [GRUNTS]
[GROANING]
What's the matter, Tweety? I'm fat
and ugly and I wanna throw up.
Hey, what happened, honey?
I hate them.
They took pictures.
The pigs.
Who?
Which one of you is Todd Winslow?
Not me.
Is one of you Todd Winslow?
[CHATTERING, INDISTINCT]
Take it easy, fellas.
Sir, I want to report
one of these boys.
You need a break from this
hormonal nightmare. Shall we?
Sir, this boy, he did something
horrible to Theresa Goldberg.
His name is Todd Winslow,
and I can't find him.
We'll call the FBI.
Excuse me, sir.
May I cut in?
Snake. How did you
get in here?
You're so beautiful
I could eat your teeth.
Where'd you get these clothes?
Ah, some preppy gave 'em
to me after I beat him up.
Todd Winslow?
You beat up Todd Winslow?
Oh, you sweetheart.
Tinka in my arms.
I must be dreaming.
Pinch me.
I'll show ya where.
And be my lady
BOY: Mind if I cut in?
Oh, my love, love, love You're attractive,
really. Nice jacket. Hey, get lost.
Day, it is so lonely Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, now
Might forget it
So blue
Time is all Verena.
[GASPS] You're not
supposed to be awake.
I'm probably not.
Oh, rats.
Couldn't you just
sort of... pass out again?
I probably would if you kiss me.
I have to go clean up
the refreshments.
Is this really your room?
I wouldn't take you
for a Liberace fan.
Love him.
Listen, I'll be right back and
we'll have us a wild time.
I-I'm chilly.
Could you tuck me in?
Hey.
[MAKING ANIMAL NOISES]
Who are those boys?
Come on! We gotta go. We've been spotted.
Bye, honey.
I can't leave you. I
know a place we can go.
Come on.
Don't give up.
I mean, even if you got
pregnant I'd marry you.
Why?
I've imagined it, haven't you?
Would we live in a colonial
with two cars and a collie?
Sounds okay to me.
Do you believe in centralized
government or state's rights?
I'd just like to know
who I'm marrying.
I get the distinct impression
you don't wanna do this anymore.
I just keep thinking that
you don't know me.
What are you talkin' about?
I mean...
What's there to know?
Hey.
Okay.
[DENNIS GROANS]
Well.
What a convenient
trysting place.
And right over our heads.
Sir, ah... This is,
ah... This is my fault.
It was totally my idea.
It's clear to me that she...
lured you here...
Put you in a state of desire.
Oh, you're not to blame
for answering your impulses.
Ah, but-but, sir, she-she's...
Young man, you'd better
get back to the dance.
Dennis, don't go!
I would like to deal with
Miss Sinclair alone.
She is in a lot of trouble.
Hey, Dennis!
How'd it go?
Come on, critters.
MR. DEWEY: Cozy.
Much nicer than
those sterile conference rooms.
Go ahead. Get me expelled.
I don't care.
And lose a gifted student?
And yet you should be punished.
I think we can come to some kind of...
private arrangement.
[SQUEALS]
Get 'im! Get 'im! Who are you?
How would you like us
to dispose of him, madam?
[ANIMAL NOISES]
MR. DEWEY: Stop it! Stop it, I say.
Stop. No!
ALL: Three, two, one!
No!
Wait there for Miss McVane!
Jesus Christ!
[ALL CHATTERING, LAUGHING]
Fellas, please.
At least throw me down
some clothes!
Here ya go.
Go stuff the big kielbasa, Mr.
Dewey. [ALL LAUGHING]
ALL: You put your whole foot
in You put your whole foot out
You put your whole foot in
and you shake it all about
You do the hokey pokey and you
turn yourself around [SCREAMS]
That's what it's all about
You put your rocket in
You put your rocket out
You put your rocket in
Have you seen my date? No,
have you seen my husband?
You do the hokey-pokey and
you turn yourself around No.
That's what it's all about
Excuse me.
Did your date
go off with my date?
[CONTINUES, INDISTINCT]
Hey, put your whole date in!
[SCREAMING]
You put your whole date in
You put your whole date in
and you shake it all about
You're all just a bunch of...
dirty heads.
Ladies and gentlemen.
The dance is over!
[CHATTERING AND SCREAMING,
INDISTINCT]
Excuse me.
MAN: What are you boys doing?
Now stop this!
Calling it a night?
Yes, Miss McVane.
Where is Verena?
Gee, I don't know.
Find her!
You guys, have you seen Verena?
Is she up here?
No. Miss McVane is on a
warpath... [SCREAMS]
Hey.
Townies?
Well, at least they're not St.
Ambrose boys. [SCOFFS]
Momo, listen, I'm on your side now.
St. Ambrose bites.
Then help me.
I can't find Verena anywhere.
Okay. I'll look for her. Come on.
The concert's about to begin.
Snake, wait here. Well,
you're gonna leave me...
BOY 1: She's sucking his face off.
BOY 2: He's the king.
I'll be right back.
Oh, schoolmaids.
Heaven is where you are.
ALL: Me, may, my,
mo, moo [BURPS]
Are they all accounted for? No.
Five boys are missing.
Frost, Dinwiddy, Adams, Schumacher
and Todd Winslow. Well, find Chubb.
No. No. I'll find Chubb.
You find those boys.
[CHATTERING, INDISTINCT]
Did you find Von Stefan? No.
I even checked her dorm room.
Something untoward is about to happen.
I can feel it.
I better go.
The concert.
Well, what about me? I have
to get caught in your bed.
Oh... someone will
come along.
You could start screaming like
you just came into your room.
Well, actually...
this isn't my room.
I knew you couldn't be
a Liberace fan.
I really gotta go.
But...
even after you're expelled
and everything,
will you write to me?
Oh, yeah.
Psst.
Need to sober up?
Yeah. That punch
was diabolical...
and I need to sing my solo.
Take a swig of this and pass
it along to the others.
What is it? Hair of
the bird that bit ya.
Takes a few minutes to work.
Psst. You know what you need
to sober up?
Take a swig of this, pass it along to the
other guys... What are you guys doin' here?
It's time for our entrance.
[MUMBLED]
Pass this on down, man.
She's not coming back, Snake.
She's ditched you.
Dead on the road.
But she kissed me.
Girls get very kissy right
before they give you the shaft.
Yeah. Severance pay.
Yeah, you're right.
What's...
Outrageous!
They've all been drinking!
[OUT OF TUNE]
I dream of Jeannie
with the...
[ALL SCREAMING]
[SCREAMS]
My dress!
What do we got here?
We got briefs.
We got boxers.
Boxers again.
Briefs.
Cool tool. I'm a nature
photographer myself.
[ALL MOANING]
On the bus, Cooper!
Don't you smart me again.
On that bus, young man.
Get... Oh.
Frost, you wipe that smile off your face.
Where were you?
MRS. O'BOYLE: Headmaster.
I hope you will discipline
this... human debris.
Let me assure you,
they will return
to St. Ambrose...
only to pack!
Frank?
Who's in there?
Well, Frank,
that about does it for me.
They're gone. I'd rather
be devoured by rats...
than be in the same school
with Todd Winslow.
It'll never happen now.
That was so brilliant
what you and Verena did.
God, where is Verena?
Odie, what's wrong?
What happened?
MISS MCVANE: You understand why you
can no longer attend Miss Godard's?
Of course, the boy
will be expelled too.
Your father will
pick you up this afternoon.
We'll send your records on
to any school you apply to.
Mr. Dewey is leaving us
as well, if that cheers you.
More tea?
No, thank you.
Cigarette?
Sure.
Catch.
Quite a debacle,
the St. Ambrose choir dance.
Boys drinking liquor,
heaving up all over the stage...
I'd say they had too many
of your refreshments.
My refreshments?
I have no proof, as usual,
but these events have a certain style I've
come to identify with your handiwork.
I did it for the school.
I know, dear.
I wish it had worked.
But the trustees are going to
hush up the entire affair...
and proceed with plans
for coeducation.
I shall announce it to the school
before summer vacation. No.
Won't be the first time women
have had to marry for money.
You betrayed us.
No.
No.
Miss Godard's was betrayed
by her own.
Year after year,
I've been on my knees...
groveling to the alumnae
for handouts,
five dollars here, ten dollars
there... big spenders...
The men give generously to their schools.
It's a solid investment.
They're ensuring that a steady supply
of the nation's leaders will be men.
Maybe you women don't give because
deep down you know it's useless.
I might as well been teaching
needlepoint and gardening,
instead of physics
and government.
Twenty-eight years of work,
just so I can kiss some headmaster's ass.
Miss McVane!
You're right to be afraid.
Because after the men plant their
flag in this school, they'll bury us.
It'll be subtle and insidious,
as is in real life.
I may be at the end of the
road here, but you're young...
and you have the talent
and power to lead.
Don't stop the fight.
Wherever you go, Verena,
don't give up.
I'm counting on you.
Good-bye.
[CHATTERING, INDISTINCT]
Just because I'm leaving doesn't mean
we have to stop helping each other.
I mean, we've joined forever.
The D.A.R. lives.
ALL: No more little
white gloves.
Okay. Everybody out.
I gotta pack.
I don't see how you can sit on a horse
if Dennis did his job correctly.
Dennis was a dead loss.
Well, you'll have the St. Ambrose
doofus population to keep you company.
No. It didn't work?
The school's going coed.
Miss McVane is gonna
announce it on Prize Day.
It's over.
Don't be so sure.
What do you mean?
Never mind.
Good-bye, Verena.
Hey, I'll buy
your magazine, okay?
If you ever run for anything,
let me know.
I'll fix the competition.
Okay.
Verena's gone.
St. Ambrose is taking over.
Next year I'm going to have to face
Todd Winslow every day at breakfast.
I want to retch and die!
They're going to pull down
our grade curve.
They're going to pull down
more than that.
Ladies, it's time to put
on our thinking caps.
[APPLAUSE]
MISS MCVANE: And that concludes our...
Prize Day ceremony.
I know you're all anxious
to get started with your summer,
but you must attend
final classes.
And I wish you all
a happy vacation.
[APPLAUDING, CHEERING]
Before you go, ah,
there is some important news.
Indeed so important
that Mrs. Sawyer,
president of Miss Godard's
Board of Trustees,
is here this morning
to tell you herself.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
Good morning.
I am very excited to be standing
here on the threshold of...
As it were a new era.
Next year,
this school will admit...
For the first time...
Members of the opposite sex.
[DISGRUNTLED CHATTERING]
Specifically, Miss Godard's...
will unite with
St. Ambrose Academy...
to form a single school on their
campus in Stoneytown, New Hampshire.
A letter was sent to your parents this
morning outlining the details of this...
Mother, no!
Quiet, please.
Our faculties will combine, but our
administrations will be separate.
[MRS. SAWYER CONTINUES,
INDISTINCT]
Attention! Attention, I have
something to say. Everybody listen.
GIRL 1: Just be quiet.
GIRL 2: Hey, listen to Odie. She's got an idea.
We have been gypped.
Some of you may think this school
going coed is a great idea.
Others of you
may think it's horrendous.
But right now the point is that the Board
of Trustees doesn't care what you think.
Did they ever
consult us? No.
Did they ever ask us what we wanted?
ALL: No. No.
We're only a pawn in their game.
What is going on here?
[ALL CHEERING] They teach
us self-government...
and then they disenfranchise us.
GIRL: That's true. They teach
us to take ourselves seriously...
and then they act
as if we don't count.
Well, hey, I say this eats the big one.
We count.
GIRL: Yeah. We wanna vote.
It's our future.
They expect us to stand around
and be docile and meek...
in our little white gloves
while they wield absolute power.
Well, I say,
"No more little white gloves."
Let's hear it. Do you wanna vote?
ALL: Yeah!
Then demand to vote!
Follow me to the dorms...
and we'll lock ourselves in
until they agree to our terms!
Come on, everybody. Let's go!
[ALL CHEERING]
What about it, Page?
Wanna give these kids a vote?
Don't be absurd.
Anybody that doesn't go back to class
immediately will be suspended!
Abby. Abigail, you have
an insurrection on your hands.
Let's see how you handle
yourself in a crisis.
Mother, up your ziggie
with a wah-wah brush.
Now, girls... [WHIMPERING]
Okay, now these go to
the parapet, third floor. Go!
You call all the newspapers.
You call the New York Times.
You call Life Magazine
and the Herald Tribune.
My dad owns that. Really? Okay,
then you call the Herald Tribune.
Ladies, no vote is possible.
The decision of
the trustees is final.
Will you please come out now...
or you all face suspension.
MRS. SAWYER: "A voice and a vote.
Don't trust the trustees." What?
I want you to break through that
door and clear the building.
I don't care if you have to pick them
up and carry them out one by one.
In two hours, their parents will be
arriving to take them home for vacation.
In two hours, this situation
must be under control!
Yes, ma'am.
[GROANING]
Out, or we start swinging!
Now, miss, put that down.
[ALL CHANTING]
Vote! Vote!
Okay. Come on. Move it right
up here to the front.
No. No. You-You are trespassing
on private property.
And I happen to...
TINKA: Okay. I got it.
The board of trustees has sold
this school down the river.
They want us to go coed with the St.
Ambrose Academy,
which is notorious for
their drunken behavior,
loose morals and lousy singing.
Tinka?
Tinka!
There must be some way
to get them out of there.
Well, there's tear gas. But they're
just a bunch of little girls, ma'am.
They are not just a bunch of girls.
They are Miss Godard's girls...
They're organized! Well, we
could surround the building...
and come in from all sides, if you
don't mind us breaking a few windows.
Do it! Go on! No!
["CALL TO THE POST"]
[HORSES NEIGHING]
MAN: All right, girls.
Okay, girls, next to them.
Back 'em up. Let's go!
Let's get out of here!
[SCREAMING, CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY]
Please. Please.
Please.
Parents will please
convene in the chapel,
where Mrs. Sawyer
will answer all your questions.
Me! Marsha! Face
the music, Page.
I'm going into the dorm
to talk with the girls.
Ah, to the chapel.
Doesn't 75 years of history
mean anything to you?
You can't railroad this... Our bylaws
state that the board of trustees...
MISS MCVANE: I know you all
feel left out of the process.
But legally the trustees
can take any action they choose.
You have no rights!
And neither do I.
If you don't like their decision, all
you can do is not come back next year.
And all I can do is quit!
These are your choices.
It doesn't have to be like that.
We can amend the bylaws.
We want to elect our own
student representative.
We can do that right now. Then all the
students will vote on coeducation...
and it will count as one trustee vote.
They won't permit that.
Otherwise, we won't
move from here.
And we have enough canned food
to last us here for months.
We've got the ballots ready.
No, Odette. Right, everybody.
ODETTE: Please.
No, Odette!
Please! Miss McVane,
Miss Godard's gave us a voice so
now it's kind of hard to shut up.
This is all rather new to me.
Carry on, Odette.
Now, this may seem
pretty simple,
but now it's time to decide how you
really feel about Miss Godard's.
Some of you may think
of this place as a prison,
some old-fashioned prude's idea
about keeping us out of trouble...
because we can't be trusted
to look out for ourselves.
And you think times have changed
and we can hold our own with boys.
So you'll vote "yes"
on coeducation.
Miss Godard's will disappear
like the dinosaurs.
Now, for others of you, you think this
place has brought out the best in you.
In here they give you the nerve to reach
into yourself and pull out your colors...
and wave them
as high as you can.
So, you'll vote "no"
on changing this place.
Because to you, Miss Godard's
isn't a prison at all.
It's a place to be free.
MISS MCVANE: And the results of the
informal student vote are as follows:
For coeducation,
77 votes.
Against, 115.
And they have chosen Odette
Sinclair as their representative,
should the board of trustees decide
to admit one student member.
And, in addition, they want to help the
school out of its financial troubles.
Each one of them, without hesitation,
has donated whatever she can...
from her personal
savings account.
I have checks here
amounting to $3,000.
Now, maybe that's
a paltry amount,
but their generosity
just about broke my heart.
And I am sure that if parents and
alumnae follow their example,
we can solve whatever
budget problems we have...
very, very soon.
These are your daughters.
You can be proud.
[ALL SCREAMING, CHEERING]
You're in trouble. We're
going home, honey.
REPORTER: Yes, there's been quite a
turn of events. The main mutiny is over...
and the "rebelettes"
are going home.
And the president of the board of trustees
and her husband has resigned as well.
TINKA'S MOM: It's all far
too much excitement for me.
I don't know why you young girls have
such a great appetite for drama.
Still, I am glad you all stopped them...
[ANIMAL NOISES]
From rushing
into this coeducation.
In many ways, the old
ways are the best ways.
Oh, by the way, the Wheelwright boy
will be back in town for the holidays,
and I thought since his parents
and I are such great friends,
that it was high time
the two of you were introduced.
Those cuties have fun can't
wait to get home Bye, Odie!
Bye, Momo. Bye, Tweety.
TWEETY: Bye, Odie!
Bye! See ya next year.
VERENA: Odious!
Verena! We drove down as soon as
we heard the news on the radio.
You were brilliant.
This is Frosty.
Hi.
Guess what? We both
got accepted to Chancery.
We're going to be going
there in September. Hmm.
Coed school will be
a nice change.
Excuse us, please.
You hypocrite. I thought
you said you hated boys.
I know.
[SIGHS]
But I've been thinking.
Perhaps they're like dogs.
If we don't take them in, they run
wild and they're a danger to society.
Verena, up yours
with a Breck bottle.
TINKA: Bye, guys!
TOGETHER: Bye!
Bye!
Girlfriends for life
Girlfriends
For life
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Talkin' about my
girlfriends For life
Girlfriends For life
Girlfriends
For life
The goin' gets tough
We ain't no fluff Struttin'
our stuff with girlfriends
Shampooed and curl
Mascara and pearls
What's that word We're
girlfriends For life
Girlfriends For life
Girlfriends
For life
Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah
I hear Stacy
went out with him
What, is she crazy
There she is She's
walkin' kinda funny
Let's ask her
Hey, Stacy, what's new
Met a boy so sweet
He took me out last week
For a movie and a dinner
Then we parked
on a dead-end street
He said I've got
a present for you
I thought my dreams
were all coming true
I closed my eyes
I fantasized
I held out my hand
Waited for my big surprise
Was it a diamond ring
Or a brand-new dress
Perfume, I bet
Well, can't you guess
Oh, oh, oh, oh
A hairy bird
What could I say
So new to romance
I looked up at his
face Don't look down
I looked down at his pants
When a guy asks for
the proof of your love
Do you spit out your gum
Do you put on a glove
What are the rules
The etiquette
All the things Mama told me
Are inappropriate
Girl, what are ya
carryin' on about
Come on, talk English
Do I have to spell it out
Oh, oh, oh, oh
A hairy bird
So, how big was it
Well, smaller than a mailbox
But bigger than one of those
little cocktail things
Was it long
Well, pretty long
But he's not
Vlad the Impaler
Go on Go on
Go on Okay
So, I thought
what would it hurt
One little bite
But on your wedding day
You couldn't wear white
Oh, no
I jumped out of his car
like a comet
And I guess I must have
slammed the door on it
Look out, look out,
look out [BOY SCREAMING]
Oh, oh, oh, oh
A hairy bird
Everybody, have you heard
the word
She slammed the door
and she crushed that bird
Oh, oh, oh, oh
The hairy bird
Everybody, have you heard
the word Oh, oh, oh
She slammed the door and she
crushed that bird Oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh
The hairy bird
Everybody, have you heard
the word Oh, oh, oh
She slammed the door
and she crushed that bird
[GIRLS' CHOIR SINGING]
[SEGUE TO POP-ROCK]
GIRL: January 4, 1963.
Dear Dennis: I've been
abducted by my own parents.
They found out what we were
planning, and now they want me...
as far away from
you as possible.
I'm not coming back to Chancery.
They're hauling me and my horse...
[NO AUDIO] to some all-girls'
school in Connecticut.
They think I'll be safe surrounded
by high walls and lesbians.
This is the end of the world.
One look tells you,
this place eats the hairy bird.
You know, you are going to love it here.
My great-grandmother was class of 1903.
So, I'm fourth generation
to go here.
Both my mom and dad are
on the Board of Trustees.
So, obviously, we believe that Miss Godard's
is the finest girls' school in the east.
This is Miss Godard,
who founded the school.
She looks like an ax murderer.
Indeed, you will find...
the original ax on display
at the woodpile.
[LAUGHS] Hello, Miss McVane.
Hello, Abby.
Kindly explain my joke
to the new girl.
Well, one of the rules is if you're
late to class, you have to chop wood.
You must be Odette Sinclair.
Welcome.
I know it's a difficult adjustment from
a coed academy to a girls' school.
If I can help ease the transition,
come see me in my office.
Carry on, Abby.
Who was that?
Zorro?
Oh, that's Miss McVane, the headmistress.
She really great.
[TRUMPET]
[GIRLS SCREAMING]
[GIRLS SHOUTING] Verena, Tinka!
You've got a new roommate!
TOGETHER: What?
She's from Detroit!
TOGETHER: What? We take the honor
system very seriously here.
Miss Godard believed that the
girls should govern themselves...
in order to learn to take
responsibility for their actions.
What's this?
This? Oh... [LAUGHS]
I'm a monitor. I'm on the
self-government committee.
Elected nine times now.
So, I have nine stars.
Taking a break. You're
absolutely not allowed to smoke.
Uh, where are you going?
To visit my horse.
I was going to warn you
about your roommates.
But now, I don't think I will.
She's got five pairs
of Pappagallo's.
She's got a great stereo!
Men on the floor!
Come along now, girls.
Scurry, scurry.
Will you get into your room?
There's men on the floor.
GIRLS: Hey, baby!
Walkin' the dog [GIRLS GIGGLING]
You can't twist to this music.
It's too slow.
Just a-walkin' the dog
[SIGHS] Now, there's no
place to dance, anyway.
If you don't know how to do it,
I'll show you how to walk the dog
Ooh, this must be the boyfriend.
"Love, Dennis." Ohh!
[GIGGLING]
[BOTH GASP]
I did not give you permission to play
my records. [NEEDLE SCRATCHING]
Welcome! I'm Tinka Parker.
And this is Verena Von Stefan.
Art thou perchance Odette?
Odie.
Those are my shoes.
We always borrow each other's things.
I loathe and abhor this place.
I don't see how you can say that
when you're from Detroit.
So, Odie, what are you
doing here at Miss God-Awful?
How come you had to
transfer from Chancery?
Oh, no doubt things were getting too
hot and heavy with Dennis the Penis.
Up your ziggie with
a wah-wah brush.
TOGETHER: What?
[BOTH GIGGLING]
Say that again.
Up your ziggie with a wah-wah brush.
That's priceless.
Where did you hear that?
I made it up. [BELL RINGS ]
TOGETHER: Dinner!
Go back up and sew up that hem.
Hold it.
Why, Abby and Susie.
Sieg Heil!
Parker!
Take those off.
Why? They're not jewelry.
They're office supplies.
Off. Or I'll report you to Miss McVane.
[SCOFFS]
Abby, up your ziggie
with a wah-wah brush.
So, what's she like? Mm,
she could be improved.
We've decided not
to get rid of her.
She's got a great record collection.
Geez. Yum!
Odious, this is Tweety
Goldberg and Momo Haines. Hi.
[SINGING IN LATIN]
Ignoramus
Purple Penis
[STOPS]
Are you carrying Dennis' child?
[LAUGHS]
You can tell Tinka. She's
had four pregnancy scares.
Four.
Was it beautiful?
Do you actually expect me
to answer these questions?
But we're curious. We all have
our hymens, except Tinka.
That's enough. Clearly, she
doesn't want to describe it.
It's like hog wrestling.
Isn't that right, Odious?
Oh, I don't even think she's
done it with Dennis yet.
Are you gonna eat that?
OTHER GIRLS: Tweety!
Where's my ipecac?
You hid it!
No! Oh, God! I knew it!
Tweety, no, no. Give it... No!
Let go of me, Momo!
Tweety, don't do it!
Give me the bottle. Ow!
Fine. Make yourself sick. You're
only gonna be hungry again later.
[VOMITING]
[TOILET FLUSHES]
She swallows ipecac syrup, and then 15
minutes later she heaves up everything.
Ipecac causes convulsions
in the alimentary canal.
Are you taking chemistry?
Yes.
Great! Mrs. Dewey is the most
adorable teacher in the school.
She's gonna help me
to get into M.I.T.
Who's your advisor?
Mr. Dewey.
Eew, Mr. Dewey!
Eew, he's a lech.
[BELL RINGING]
Good night, Tinka.
Good night, Verena.
Good night, Dennis.
Ohh! Dennis!
Harder! Deeper!
[SNICKERING]
[MOANING]
[GIGGLING]
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
[GIGGLING]
ODETTE: Dear Dennis:
I Miss you so much.
I'm perishing in this penal colony.
I'm completely alone.
My roommates are demented.
Dear mother and father:
Today, I was elected...
to the Security Council
of the model U.N.
I'm so popular
I got to play Russia.
Dear mom and dad: Today was dress
rehearsal for death of a salesman.
My roommate plays Willy Loman. Ben! A
man has got to add up to something!
Dear Dennis: Maybe I can escape from
here and we can meet in New York.
[SNIFFLING]
[DROPLETS PLOPPING]
[SNIFFLING]
[KNOCKING]
[DOOR CLOSING]
[SNIFFLES]
Oh, good morning, Odette.
What can I do for you?
I'd like to know why you turned down
my request for a pass this weekend.
You wanted to go into New York to
see a horse show... [SNIFFLES]
Alone and unchaperoned and your parents
worry you may run off to meet some boy.
I'm required to keep
you here on weekends,
unless you're invited
by a friend whom they approve.
[KNUCKLES CRACKING]
Dear, I can think of no better
cure for your... [SNIFFLES]
Conspicuous misery
than to make some friends.
Don't reject them.
They're not just girls.
They're you.
And if you get to know them, then
you'll be discovering yourself.
And that is, believe it or not, as great
an adventure as the opposite sex.
Thank you.
[SNIFFLES]
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
For the most part, your papers ranged from
the merely adequate to the completely vapid.
With the exception of one.
Miss Sinclair, I congratulate you on
your grasp of Pan-European politics.
Now, remember, ladies,
tomorrow's assignment will...
Verena, may I know the reason
you're so late? Cramps.
I wonder what would happen to American foreign
policy if President Kennedy got cramps.
Possibly, history has already been
influenced by his bad back, sir.
Please submit a paper tomorrow
supporting your thesis, Von Stefan.
Miss Parker, do you have
any views on this subject?
No.
Hmm.
Plenty of room
but no views, hmm?
Oh. Just as I thought. Empty.
Tomorrow's assignment... What?
[BELL RINGING] review chapters
seven through 11 in the Palmer.
Come see me
in my office after lunch.
If I'm not mistaken,
you show a genuine interest
in political theory.
Yeah.
Kind of, I guess.
I'm going to be attending a series of
lectures over the next few weekends...
in New York City,
which you might enjoy.
I'm sure I can arrange
for Miss McVane's permission.
And perhaps even
extra credit as well.
New York.
Between you and me,
Miss Godard's isn't exactly...
a healthy environment
for an energetic...
and...
curious young spirit.
We wouldn't want the hall monitors to
catch you with lint on your jacket.
Girls have been shot for less.
I'm so fat, I could die.
Look who's here.
Why, Odious.
Hi, guys.
Oh, my God. She's actually
talking to us today.
[LAUGHING] What
happened with Dewey?
Did he feel you up?
He invited me to a lecture in New York.
You didn't say you'd go with him, did you?
He wants your bod.
Ladies, it's time to put on
our thinking caps.
Somehow, we've got
to get rid of him.
But then we'd lose
Mrs. Dewey, whom we adore.
Yeah. But if she knew he was
a pervert, she'd divorce him.
Right. She's got
to see some proof.
Like when my mom found those
pictures in my dad's desk.
Well, uh, I thought that maybe if I went to
New York I could sneak away and see Dennis.
You don't need Dewey
to go to New York.
All you have to do is ask us.
[SNORING]
[LAUGHING]
It's easy to get a weekend pass. All
you need is a letter from your mother.
Dear Miss McVane: Tinka will be joining me
in New York City the weekend of the 20th.
Blah, blah, blah. So, what I need is
a pass that lets me get out alone.
That's what it is. Tinka takes the train into
New York and stays at my mom's apartment.
She's in Europe for the year and
Tinka's mom is in Boca Raton.
Wait a minute. So this is... I
do all the mothers' letters.
Tweety wins
our prize every year.
Miss Godard's girls are very talented.
Let me see that.
Guys, wait!
How do you mail it
so it has the right postmark?
You mail it to one of your friends
back home, and they mail it for you.
Miss Godard's girls
are very organized.
[CHATTERING]
[ENGINE REVVING]
[ENGINE REVVING]
[ENGINE REVVING]
Guys, I think I'm in love.
GIRL: Do you have something
I could... Schoolmaids!
Hi, I'm Snake. This is Skunk,
Groundhog, Possum and Beagle.
We're the... [SNAPS FINGERS]
[IN UNISON] Flat Critters.
What is this?
We're a photography club.
We take pictures of animals
who have been run over.
Show 'em, Skunk.
Eew. Eew. Eew.
Eew!
I love this woman!
She's everything anyone could
need. Poise and personality.
Straight teeth, rich parents.
Go away and leave us alone.
Her name is Tinka Parker.
[PURRS]
Tinka.
Her name is Tinka.
Now you are my dream. And you can
take away my money, my food.
You can take away my home.
You can take away my car!
But if you take away my dream I'm
nothing but a... [SNAPS FINGERS]
[IN UNISON]
Flat Critter!
[WOMAN SHRIEKS] What are you doing?
Bring that back!
[MAN SHOUTING] Come back with
that hat, you little punk!
So, explain to me one thing.
[GIRLS CHATTERING]
Why can't I have you?
Because you are lower than dirt.
You're subterranean. You're
a townie, for Christ sakes.
I don't know you!
We haven't been introduced.
Is that how people fall in love in
your world? They're "introduced"?
Come on!
How sad.
How tragic! People like that
are... [SNAPS FINGERS]
[IN UNISON] Flat Critters!
Eek!
Wo-wo-wo-wo-wo!
[GIRLS SCREAMING]
MAN: Now, hold on,
you young studs!
Hey, Tinka!
Tinka!
[BELL TOLLING] So, do
you really dig that guy?
I have some dignity, you know.
Odie, you're supposed to wear the
blazer on all trips into the ville.
Didn't you know that?
Yes, I did.
But, actually, I have a complaint
about the school jacket.
I find it a little too restraining.
Cuts off flow of blood to my breasts.
[LAUGHING]
Five demerits.
You will stay in study hall till
bedtime every night for a week.
By God!
What?
What is that on your nose? You know, at
first, I thought it was just freckles.
But now that I'm up close,
I see. It is dried poo-poo.
[LAUGHING] Now, does Miss McVane
simply pull down her underwear...
and bend over? [
LAUGHING] Six demerits.
Eight demerits.
Nine! Ten! [BARKS]
Arf! Arf!
[LAUGHING]
That was breathtaking.
Thank you.
You really have
a fantastic way with words.
You should be a speechwriter
or a demagogue or something.
You think? I mean, I've always been
kind of interested in politics.
Excellent.
Odious, we'd like to invite
you to join the D.A.R.
Oh, I'm not a Republican.
Oh, I should hope not.
We'd like to show you something.
Always make sure nobody's looking,
because nobody knows about this door.
There's a door back here? Yeah. Last
year, I went behind this tree...
to hide from the
monitors and I saw it.
This is the attic.
We're right under the roof here. It runs
all the way along the school, you know.
From the dorms, to administration,
under the theater.
Just about anywhere. And
the kitchen, don't forget!
Wow... That's all
she cares about.
Anyhow, we got the place to ourselves.
Mostly.
The only people who come up here are
the maintenance men once in a while.
They store old furniture and
stuff... and then we steal it.
So far, nobody's
discovered our secret room.
This is where
the D.A.R. meets.
Mmm! We can get any
canned food we want to up here.
They store boxes
of it over the kitchen.
What exactly
is the D.A.R.?
It stands for Daughters
of the American Ravioli.
Cold ravioli. I think
it's better cold.
In the D.A.R., we share our most
secret dreams of what we want to be.
Most of the girls
here at Miss Godard's,
they've got all the opportunities
to become something...
A good upbringing, a good
education, they're loaded.
But, in ten years, they'll be married
with three kids and two cars,
a colonial, a collie...
They're finished.
That's why it's called
a finishing school.
But we, the D.A.R., have
other plans for ourselves.
I'm going to become a pioneer biologist
and find a cure for something.
I'm going to start
my own magazine.
Like Vogue.
I'm going to call it Moi.
I'm going to be a psychiatrist. I'm going
to be on the cover of M magazine...
as a famous
actress-folksinger-slut.
And Momo will be my doctor
and Tweety will be my shrink.
We all pledge to help each
other achieve our ambitions,
no matter how big or small,
for our whole life to come.
So now, Odette Sinclair,
what is your
most cherished dream?
I would like to be an ex-virgin.
Your great ambition in life is to lay
with your legs in the air like a bug?
[LAUGHING] I went home for
Christmas and I got a diaphragm.
Before I could use it, my mother
found it and sent me here.
So now, all I want to do is what I
was about to before I got caught.
All right. If you join
the D.A.R., we'll organize...
a secret "Randy-vous" for you and Dennis
to meet at my mom's apartment in New York.
But how do I join?
First, you must undergo a little test...
to prove your sincerity.
Which brings us to another
item on our agenda.
Yes.
Mr. Dewey has got to go.
And you can help. You're
the only one who has French...
in the same room
right after Mr. Dewey's class.
[BELL RINGING]
Okay.
Sinclair, your mother called, but nobody
could find you. Where have you been?
None of your floppin' buggies.
[BELL CHIMES] Time's up, ladies.
Please pass your papers to the right.
Package from home?
Yeah. My mom sent me a quilt.
Verena, why are you so late?
You've missed an entire period.
You mean, I'm pregnant?
[CLASSMATES LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING CONTINUES]
[BELL RINGS]
Where's my briefcase? Um, maybe you
left it in the faculty lounge.
That's impossible.
By the way, sir, I'm sorry but I can't
go to New York with you this weekend.
Hmm?
Well, perhaps another time.
Good morning,
Mademoiselle Odette.
Comment Allez-vous?
Tres bien, merci.
Whose is this?
Oh, let's see.
[GASPS, SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
Can you really order this stuff?
Miss McVane!
Oh, look!
This one has three speeds.
Call Frank Dewey in here.
So, where's you find
all that stuff, Verena?
I stole it
from my dad's collection.
I found his secret
hiding place last year.
He likes anything with
whips and stuff. Eew!
Guys, cool it.
The warden.
Sinclair and Von Stefan,
you will come with me to Miss
McVane's office, right now.
Verena, I wonder if you
realize how hard it is...
to attract male teachers
to Miss Godard's.
They consider girls' schools
the bottom of the barrel.
We certainly don't pay them
enough to alter their opinion.
So, we are fortunate indeed...
to have Mr. Dewey
on the faculty.
Yes. He's a very good lecher.
I mean, teacher.
There's some sort of conspiracy
afoot to discredit Mr. Dewey.
He is upset. I have no proof,
but my instinct tells me...
that you are behind
this little gambit.
What gambit?
Think of it as a tribute to your talents...
that I suspect you.
Oh, you're very smart, Von Stefan,
but mainly in the derriere.
Now, at Miss Godard's we try to educate
the mind and not the buttocks.
So, unless your smarts begin migrating
from your heinie to your head,
the next time you find yourself in this office
will be the occasion of your dismissal.
This is so unfair.
I don't even know what...
I have asked Abby to keep
an eye on you and to report...
anything she construes
as misconduct.
Yes, Miss McVane.
Abby, you may return to study hall.
Verena, when young people of one sex
are cooped up for too long in a place,
there is an unhealthy disposition
to plotting and cruel mischief.
I really think you'd benefit
from a weekend away from here,
yet I see that you've chosen to remain on
campus since the beginning of the year.
I know your mother is still in
Paris, but you have friends...
who would invite you
to their houses.
I love it here.
It's my home.
No, dear, it's not.
I'm sorry about your parents' separation.
Must have been a rough summer.
Do you want to talk about it?
No.
I mean... [SIGHS]
it's an unfair world.
[PLOP]
You may be right.
[SIGHS] On your way out, please
tell Odette to come in here.
Odette, sit down.
[SIGHS]
Odette, I received a letter from your
mother requesting a weekend pass.
Yes. This weekend. However, your mother
happened to call this morning...
about a tuition payment and,
when I mentioned the letter,
she knew nothing about it.
[PLOPPING CONTINUES]
Not a half-bad forgery.
I am referring this
to the committee.
Odette Sinclair,
the committee has decided...
not to recommend expulsion
and give you a second chance.
However, you are grounded for the
remainder of the school year.
I would like to rebut.
You're not allowed a rebuttal.
It's a filibuster.
I have the floor.
ABBY: We don't allow that, either.
What is this, a junta?
[R&B BALLAD]
I, I who have nothing
I'm grounded.
I never leave.
You promised to help and
instead you made things worse.
[SCOFFS] Hey. We didn't
get rid of Dewey either.
You can't collapse because
of some minor disappointment.
You get tougher. In the
D.A.R., we have a saying:
"No more
little white gloves."
I love you Come on.
Let's go out for a smoke.
We'll just have to organize some way for
Dennis to meet you here instead of New York.
Somewhere private where
you can do the dirty deed.
Is that possible? I'll
think of something.
I promise. But it's a waste
of my mental skills.
I'd rather be planning
your political career.
[SCOFFS] You shouldn't
be thinking about sex.
It's so trite. Come on. I'm supposed
to be thinking about it at my age.
Don't you ever? Why do you think my
brain is so swift and uncluttered?
Come on. There must be someone you like.
[GIGGLES]
[SIGHS] Alas, I lust for no one.
Not even you.
[BOTH GIGGLING]
[BELL RINGING]
Tinka! Tinka!
[MOTOR WHIRRING]
[BONGOS]
Tinka, the wind calls your name.
And the pond, and the trees,
and the... pachysandra...
[BONGOS CONTINUE]
And the stars, and the moon...
You! Pests! Go home! And the
vines... They all call your name.
Who's that? Tinka!
It ain't Gidget.
I'll call the guards!
You do that!
Snake?
Get out of here!
Tinka, come away with me, girl. Tonight's
the night we're gonna get introduced.
No! We gotta go! [WHIRRING]
Tinka! Tinka! [GUARDS SHOUTING
] I know what you look like!
Momo, are there
any Triscuits left?
No, Tweety.
Oh, I'm so hungry. My stomach is raging.
'Cause you ralphed supper.
[SIGHS]
I'm gonna get some ravioli.
Tweety... Don't get caught!
[GASPS]
[GROANS]
MAN: What was that?
MAN 2: Someone...
[KEYS JANGLING]
[LOCK CLICKS]
Oh, my God.
Who's there?
MISS MCVANE: I don't believe it.
MAN: What happened?
[SIGHS] The ceiling has
caved in from the leak.
MAN: This... This proves our point.
It does not!
I think we're all making
a terrible mistake...
not to consult
the alumni and parents.
MAN: We make a special appeal every year,
and we only get enough for Band-Aids.
Eve Godard founded this school
because she believed...
that girls had a better
chance to grow strong...
away from the irresistible
domination of men.
She used to say, "We build them
up so you can't tear them down."
They come first here.
If we merge with the boys' academy,
the girls will come second.
They shouldn't have to learn such a
bitter lesson at this crucial age.
St. Ambrose is one
of the oldest and finest...
boys' prep schools in the East.
I have bailed this school
out year after year.
But if the board rejects
this brilliant proposal,
I will cancel my support.
MAN: Page.
Now, may we put this son
of a bitch to a vote?
All those in favor
of coeducation.
Hurry up!
Guys, listen to what
Tweety just found out.
[TWEETY WHISPERING] Miss Godard's
is going coed with St. Ambrose.
St. Ambrose Academy?
Shh! We're not supposed to know!
Next year! Why? It's a disaster!
St. Ambrose boys
are so cute!
Why can't we just... This is the
best thing to happen since Midol.
Boys at Miss Godard's. Oh, yeah. You would
just go out and greet them with open legs.
Hey, guys. Now they're gonna have to
call it Miss Gonads. [ALL LAUGHING]
Goldberg, Haines.
Back to your room.
Not another blessed peep
out of the rest of you!
[DOOR CLOSES] The D.A.R. meets
tomorrow night after classes.
[GIRLS ARGUING] It's
not going to be okay!
I'm not going
to get into M.I.T. now!
If I apply with a lot of boys from the same
school, you know they'll accept the boys first!
That's not true.
Yes, it is!
ODIE: All I ever hear
is girls complaining...
how lonely and bored they are, right?
Oh, yes.
MOMO: Tinka, maybe. Not me! I
can stand a little loneliness!
This is a school! We're all
trying to get smarter!
If St. Ambrose merges with us, instead
we'll all be killing ourselves to be cute.
Right! Just imagine. We'll have
to wash our hair every night.
We'll have to sleep on rollers
till our scalp bleeds.
Then we'll have to get up at 6:00
every morning for the comb-out.
Your lungs will
be lined with hair spray.
Then, you need all this
equipment to push up the tits...
and blitz the zits
and spray the pits.
MOMO: She's right. Then-Then
you stagger into class...
[GROANS] and you look
perfect but you're exhausted.
You're too tired to even think!
But that's okay...
because the teachers,
they won't call on you anyway!
Also, you don't want to be smarter
than the boys. They don't like that.
So to wake up, you drink some coffee
at lunch but don't eat the food.
You'll be on a permanent diet! I'm not gonna
change the way I am 'cause boys are around.
Oh, come off it, Tweety.
I've seen you at school dances.
It's like The Three Faces of Eve. You
turn into this simpering, fawning...
Verena. Verena! Wretch, and the whole
next week, we have to put up with your...
suicide attempts because your date
didn't like you! Verena, stop.
Shut up! [GROANS] Verena!
Now, you've done it.
Don't listen to her, Tweety.
ODIE: That was really
uncalled-for, Vagina.
Look, Von Stefan. I know you like this
place the way it is, but wake up!
It's not real life. Real life
is boy-girl, boy-girl. No!
Real life is boy on top of girl!
Would you two stop it?
You should know that.
Oh...
Look. It looks like this is going to
happen whether we like it or not,
so we're just going to have to adjust.
Yes, we're gonna have to adjust.
Where would we be now if
President Kennedy had said,
"Oh, well, we'll just have to
adjust to living in the shadow...
of nuclear warheads on Cuba"?
There ya go!
They're just boys, Verena,
not communists.
Ha! I'm not gonna live in the
shadow of the hairy bird!
Well, that's your prob.
You're afraid of boys!
Order. Order! Oh, you'd be
afraid of boys too, except...
Order! You've got nothing
left to lose, Miss Tinka!
Prude! Tramp!
Truce! Quiet!
Come on! Have some ravioli. Oh...
[SIGHS]
Here's what I propose.
The St. Ambrose Choir is coming down
for a dance and concert in May.
Obviously, this is a trial
to see if we all get along.
So, we must make
the boys look so awful...
the trustees will have to cancel
the merge of our two schools.
What do you mean, "we"?
Count me out.
You're in the D.A.R. You have to help.
Well, then, I quit.
Me too.
What about you, Odie?
Maybe it wouldn't be that bad,
having boys here.
I mean, it doesn't have to be about sex,
right? They can just be our friends.
Just like we're friends.
Friends? Look at us!
Just mention boys,
and everybody's a traitor.
So, are you going to stay and help
them with their nasty little plan?
Come on, Verena.
Don't do it.
It's pathetic. You all want to sell
out the school because you're horny!
[SIGHS]
Well, the D.A.R. is dead.
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS] Long live The
Hairy Bird Committee.
Hear, hear! Okay. Let's get some
ideas for the St. Ambrose dance.
How can we put them
in a bad light?
What sort of boys would your parents
never allow you to consort with?
Okay. Okay, well...
If they were drunks.
Mmm.
Or sex fiends.
Good.
Good night, Verena.
So what do you want this time?
[SIGHS] I need 20 pounds of sugar.
No problem.
And about two dozen
liquor bottles.
No. I don't want
trouble.
I'm talking about empty bottles.
Ah. Okay.
Fifty dollars.
Tomas! Do I look
like I'm made of money?
[LAUGHS]
[LIQUID BUBBLING]
It's ready. Ahh. Good timing.
I need a drink.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Down the hatch!
[COUGHING]
Ohh! Whoo!
[GIGGLES]
It's at least a thousand proof.
Now, try it
with some apple juice.
[SIGHS]
[COUGHS, PANTS]
Momo, you're a genius!
[GIRLS SHOUTING]
Keep going, men. Play defense.
Get ready for the bully.
This shouldn't be a secret. You should tell
all the others about the school going coed.
Throw the whole question into debate.
You tell a single soul,
and I'll tell Abby Sawyer
about your plans for Dennis.
I know what you're afraid of. You're afraid
they actually might like the idea, right?
And everything has to be your way,
no matter what anybody else wants.
You're a totalitarian.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
Come on, Verena, the school going
coed is not the end of the world.
You don't understand! You don't
belong here! You don't deserve it!
[KNOCKING]
Abby, your parents are downstairs.
Oh, okay. Thanks.
Have a nice weekend, Ab.
Bye.
[SHRIEKS]
What happened
to Abby Sawyer's hair?
Someone put peroxide
in her setting lotion.
[SOBBING]
They all hate me.
Nobody could hate you, sugar.
Page.
We'll be up in a second.
Sometimes...
I just want to tear off all my stars
and be just like everybody else.
Abby Sawyer,
when you are at the top,
there are always jealous people
who try to shoot you down.
Well, you just pick up
your chin and you say, "pooh"!
Now, when we get home tonight, we'll
put a nice rinse on that hair.
Tonight? I thought I was going
with you now. Come on, Harvey.
We have a meeting of the Board of
Trustees, lovey. But I'm all packed.
Abby, in a couple of weeks you will
understand what all the mystery is about.
I can't even remember what they look like.
[CHUCKLES]
Anyway, I think it's important...
I'm here to see my daughter.
Tinka Parker.
Uh, dear, will you tell
Tinka her father's here?
Tinka's dad's dead.
Excuse me. I think I left
my yacht running. Hee-hee...
[CACKLING]
Get the guard!
G'day!
The plan needs a final flourish.
A dagger in the heart
of St. Ambrose.
Do you suppose any of the boys in the
choir is related to one of the trustees?
Let's check the yearbook. I think
there's a list of trustees.
[BOYS CHATTERING]
Uh, hello.
VERENA: Hello. Is this Mr.
Frost to whom I'm speaking?
Yeah. This is Mrs. Mortimer
Frost calling from England.
My husband has just passed
away and left an inheritance.
I'm trying to locate his heirs.
Are you, by any chance,
Bradley Stoner Frost, Jr.?
No. He's my grandfather.
Ahh. And your grandfather is a member
of the St. Ambrose Board of Trustees?
Yes. Well, up your ziggie
with a wah-wah brush.
Yup. He's in the choir.
He's mine.
Let me in, wee-ooh
Wee-ooh, wee-ooh
Ooh, wee-ooh
Wee-ooh, wee-ooh
Ooh, wee-ooh Wee-ooh
I can see the dance band
The silhouettes on the shade
I hear the music
All the lovers on parade
Open up
I want to come in again
I thought you were my friend
Pitter-patter of those feet
Movin' and a-groovin'
with that beat
Jumpin' and stompin'
on the floor
Let me in, open up
Let me in Open up
Why don't you
open up that door
I hear music Let me in
The master race has arrived.
Headmaster... Headmaster Armstrong.
Yes.
And this is Mr. Bert Chubb,
one of our housemasters,
and Graham John,
our choirmaster.
Uh, how do you do
and welcome to Miss Godard's.
We've got about 80 dollars
in the kitty.
It goes to whoever's date
has the largest set of nay-nays.
You must furnish proof. Our roving
photographer will find you.
Let's go.
Masterly.
[WHISPERING, CHATTER]
And then there's the brown one.
She's the biggest one...
Girls, you have about 20 minutes
to show your dates around campus.
Then, when you hear the bell, please escort
them to the dining room for an early dinner.
There will be a tea
dance at 6:00.
And then the concert
tonight at 8:00.
Come forward when
we call your names.
Schumacher.
Burgess.
Hi, my name's Charles.
[WOLF WHISTLE]
[LAUGHING]
Fanning.
Delacorte.
[GIGGLING]
Winslow.
MISS PHIPPS: Goldberg.
Todd Winslow.
How do you do?
Theresa Goldberg. Nice to meet you.
[GASPS]
BOY: We've got a winner.
BOY 2: I think we do have a winner.
[SNIDE CHUCKLING]
CHUBB: Purvis.
PHIPPS: Wang.
Hi.
Frost.
Sawyer.
Hmph. Miss Phipps, I was supposed
to get Frost. I signed up for him.
Abby, you changed the list?
Verena, everyone has been
matched by height.
You are too tall
for Mr. Frost.
You date is Mr. Bateman.
[WHISPERING]
I'm-I'm Conrad. Or you can call me Connie
or Darnoc, which is my name backwards.
[SIGHS]
Come on, Car Wreck.
Well, I think Nixon lost the election
because of his enormous jowls.
[LAUGHING]
You're terrible.
I mean, the least he could have done
was put a brassiere on for television.
Stop, please!
I'll burst!
What size cup would
you say he was?
Are you a soprano or an alto?
I'm a tenor but I can go...
as high as an alto, because
sometimes... Excuse me for a moment.
Oh!
Oh, I'm so maladroit!
FROST: Oh, geez. Are you all right?
Can you ever forgive me?
Never.
Better go change.
I will be right back.
Oh...
My name's Verena. Have you
seen the gym, Mr. Frost?
Uh, Frosty.
Frosty Frost.
ODETTE: Dear Dennis: Be careful no one
sees you when you come in the back way.
You'll be safe once you
put on the jacket and tie.
Then everyone will think
you're a St. Ambrose boy.
Don't forget to put
the rubbers in your pocket.
If a guard stops you, eat them.
ARMSTRONG: What an
extraordinarily attractive group...
of young ladies
you have at Miss Godard's.
Won't they look good
on the cover of your brochure?
Yes. Might encourage
enrollment.
Or we could redesign
their school uniform:
Shorter skirts,
plunging necklines.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, I...
[SIGHS]
Are we allowed to be in here?
No.
You want one?
Uh...
We could get high.
What, with aspirin and Coke?
Come off it. [CHUCKLES
] That doesn't work.
But did you ever try
Midol with Coke?
No.
[SIGHS]
Wow, you're pretty vigorous.
These look more like Miltowns.
I wish they were.
[CLEARS THROAT] My mom, she
eats 'em like potato chips.
She's exceptionally happy, but she
bumps into the furniture a lot.
Just like my mom. Where do
you think I got the pills?
So they are Miltowns?
No. No, Midols... for cramps.
Ah.
My ma doesn't get cramps
anymore, she gets subpoenas.
What? She and my dad are constantly
slugging it out in court.
It's a situation I don't like
being in the middle of.
I know.
It's not much fun.
Oh, you know what is fun though?
Codeine and rubber cement.
I can be a lot of fun.
No doubt.
I have a reputation for being
sort of wild and loose.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
You got... Co-Could I have
another Midol?
[WHISPERS]
Thanks.
Would you like to come up
to my room later?
Ah, you're allowed
to have boys in your dorm?
Of course not. But there's a secret door
I'll show you. You won't get caught.
Well I'd love it
if I got caught.
Yeah. I've tried and tried to get
kicked out of St. Ambrose, but...
my grandfather, he'd just get
me kicked right back in.
He's head of
the board of trustees.
Why don't you like the school?
I don't fit in.
It's...
All the guys at St. Ambrose are
marchin' off the same cliff, you know.
The seat on the stock exchange. The wife.
The three-point-two children.
Yeah. The colonial. The collie.
Yeah.
How you feeling?
[LAUGHS]
No cramps.
[CREAKING]
Gee whiz
Look in his eyes
Gee whiz
How they hypnotize
He's got everything
[CONTINUES, INDISTINCT]
It's been a long time.
Yeah.
You seem taller.
No.
I'm the same.
Gee whiz
[CHATTERING, INDISTINCT] Verena, you may
not abandon your date. That's the rule.
But Abby left him.
I'll take care of Mr. Frost
until Abby gets back.
Now go and be a proper hostess
to Mr. Bateman.
Have you seen
the new science building?
This is great. Every 15 minutes
I get a new date. [CHUCKLES]
Verena.
That's Hungarian, right?
But then it'd be, [HUNGARIAN
ACCENT] Verena. Excuse me,
See I... I have to set
up the refreshments.
[CONTINUES]
I love that guy
Gee whiz
My valentine So...
we're really gonna do it
this time?
Yeah. I mean,
if you still want to.
Are you kidding?
Did you bring, um... Yeah.
Bourbon,
and, ah...
Conceptive foam?
Dennis, I thought you were going
to bring, you know, rubbers.
This is something new.
The girl puts it in.
Eew.
I can't read this.
Okay.
Here's the diagram.
I think you have to
lie back with...
your knees up to get it in.
Look out, Jerry Look out
There's a big bad bird
that's flyin' high
GIRL: It's good to see you.
Twist that pony Do the bird with me
Aye yah yah yah yah yah
Twist that pony
Do the bird with me
Aye yah yah yah yah yah
Looks like this dance is, ah, going
pretty good, huh? She's lookin' at ya.
Are you gonna ask
that guy to dance?
Do the bird Do the bird
Do the shimmy shimmy
Do the bird Do the bird
Do the bird Do the bird
Come on we're gonna
Twist and ride
Pony ride shake and shout
Harder and harder
Hey, baby,
do the bird with me
Yes
Come on, baby,
to the sky up above
Some libation, please.
Yah yah yah yah yah
[CONTINUES, INDISTINCT]
This is special stuff
we made just for you.
If you want some more,
ask for the mystery punch.
It's spiked.
Masterly.
D-Did you guys taste the punch?
Come on.
Let's go get some more.
[ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Hold the applicator
firmly upright...
and apply pressure downwards.
[GRUNTS]
I am.
Did you shake it well?
Give it to me.
Okay.
[SCREAMS]
[SCOFFS]
Good going, Dennis.
Maybe we could get it in
with a spoon.
The girls would move
into this house.
I want to inform you
that I was not born yesterday.
I know precisely
what is going on here.
I beg your pardon. This whole
scheme was cooked up...
by Harvey Sawyer
and his real estate buddies.
They want to buy this campus
for subdivision.
This has nothing to do with me,
or with you, for that matter.
The merger is a fait accompli.
We must forge on and look on the positive
side. There is no positive side.
With all due respect, Miss McVane,
I think you were born yesterday.
I fail to see any way...
that Miss Godard's benefits from
an association with St. Ambrose...
We have a rich
and very generous alumni.
That should be enough for you. It's
a bottom-of-the-heap school...
for boys who are too dumb
or unruly to...
I'll have to report to the trustees that
you and I are unable to work together.
Of course, one of us...
will be removed.
I apologize.
Please forgive me.
Wouldn't you be happier
if you resigned?
I can't.
Miss Godard's...
is my home.
I know that feeling.
[GLASS RATTLING]
That your love's untrue
You're all done?
Uh-huh.
Come on, beautiful.
Let's begin the beguine.
Later, Car Wreck.
First, suck on this.
But now you come to me
sayin'
Baby, I'm gonna leave ya
And I'm beggin' ya this time,
darlin' don't make me believe ya
Baby, baby, baby, baby
Don't, don't, don't, don't
Baby, baby, don't play with
my heart Don't, don't
[GROANS]
[CONTINUES, INDISTINCT] Look at Tinka.
She's at it again.
Do you know you can tell the way a
person is by the texture of the skin...
on the back of their hand.
It's very soft.
You're sensitive and refined.
Ooh. It's rough.
Yeah. I'm callous
and unfeeling.
[LAUGHING]
Get out, you.
Theresa...
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Break it up, please.
Is there somewhere where we could be alone?
We could try the gym.
Bring him to me Masterly.
Bring him to me
I'm asking God in His house
And the angels above
To send me send me,
send me [SCREAMS]
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
[BOY LAUGHING]
Oh!
Poor Abby.
This is not your night.
Better go change.
You stay away from my date.
I am warning you!
Verena. My friends
all tell me
Go to him, run to him What
is wrong with that Frost boy?
And tell him He's a
perpetual problem, that one.
He's all wrong Get him outta here.
Go! Go!
He's in my heart I know it
But it's so hard to show it
'Cause it's easier
[LOUD THUD, INDISTINCT]
Easier said than done
My body's tellin' me fight
with him sigh to him
Tell him I would die
for him and tell him
He's the one
[MOANING]
Come on. Although he gives me a
feeling that sets my heart a reelin'
Yeah, it's easier easier
said than done [LAUGHING]
[GROANS]
Well, I know that I
love him so... I know
Hey, girl I want you to know
I-I-I'll stop if you want me to.
Yeah. No.
If you go Bye-bye, baby
And, hey, girl
[SOFT THUD, INDISTINCT]
Did you hear something? No.
Something deep
inside of me is going
To die
If this is good-bye
No, I beg you, please
Bye-bye, baby
Don't go away
[GASPS]
Masterly.
No, no, no, no, no
no, no, don't
Don't go away Bye-bye, baby
Hey, hey, hey
Just keep your mouth shut.
Schumacher.
You owe me 80 bucks. We got the photos.
We got...
How big were the nay-nays?
They were like watermelons.
No. No. I don't know
about that one.
Maybe more like kumquats.
[LOUD SQUEAL]
Hey, who are you guys?
Want something, fellas?
Get 'em! [GRUNTS]
[GROANING]
What's the matter, Tweety? I'm fat
and ugly and I wanna throw up.
Hey, what happened, honey?
I hate them.
They took pictures.
The pigs.
Who?
Which one of you is Todd Winslow?
Not me.
Is one of you Todd Winslow?
[CHATTERING, INDISTINCT]
Take it easy, fellas.
Sir, I want to report
one of these boys.
You need a break from this
hormonal nightmare. Shall we?
Sir, this boy, he did something
horrible to Theresa Goldberg.
His name is Todd Winslow,
and I can't find him.
We'll call the FBI.
Excuse me, sir.
May I cut in?
Snake. How did you
get in here?
You're so beautiful
I could eat your teeth.
Where'd you get these clothes?
Ah, some preppy gave 'em
to me after I beat him up.
Todd Winslow?
You beat up Todd Winslow?
Oh, you sweetheart.
Tinka in my arms.
I must be dreaming.
Pinch me.
I'll show ya where.
And be my lady
BOY: Mind if I cut in?
Oh, my love, love, love You're attractive,
really. Nice jacket. Hey, get lost.
Day, it is so lonely Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, now
Might forget it
So blue
Time is all Verena.
[GASPS] You're not
supposed to be awake.
I'm probably not.
Oh, rats.
Couldn't you just
sort of... pass out again?
I probably would if you kiss me.
I have to go clean up
the refreshments.
Is this really your room?
I wouldn't take you
for a Liberace fan.
Love him.
Listen, I'll be right back and
we'll have us a wild time.
I-I'm chilly.
Could you tuck me in?
Hey.
[MAKING ANIMAL NOISES]
Who are those boys?
Come on! We gotta go. We've been spotted.
Bye, honey.
I can't leave you. I
know a place we can go.
Come on.
Don't give up.
I mean, even if you got
pregnant I'd marry you.
Why?
I've imagined it, haven't you?
Would we live in a colonial
with two cars and a collie?
Sounds okay to me.
Do you believe in centralized
government or state's rights?
I'd just like to know
who I'm marrying.
I get the distinct impression
you don't wanna do this anymore.
I just keep thinking that
you don't know me.
What are you talkin' about?
I mean...
What's there to know?
Hey.
Okay.
[DENNIS GROANS]
Well.
What a convenient
trysting place.
And right over our heads.
Sir, ah... This is,
ah... This is my fault.
It was totally my idea.
It's clear to me that she...
lured you here...
Put you in a state of desire.
Oh, you're not to blame
for answering your impulses.
Ah, but-but, sir, she-she's...
Young man, you'd better
get back to the dance.
Dennis, don't go!
I would like to deal with
Miss Sinclair alone.
She is in a lot of trouble.
Hey, Dennis!
How'd it go?
Come on, critters.
MR. DEWEY: Cozy.
Much nicer than
those sterile conference rooms.
Go ahead. Get me expelled.
I don't care.
And lose a gifted student?
And yet you should be punished.
I think we can come to some kind of...
private arrangement.
[SQUEALS]
Get 'im! Get 'im! Who are you?
How would you like us
to dispose of him, madam?
[ANIMAL NOISES]
MR. DEWEY: Stop it! Stop it, I say.
Stop. No!
ALL: Three, two, one!
No!
Wait there for Miss McVane!
Jesus Christ!
[ALL CHATTERING, LAUGHING]
Fellas, please.
At least throw me down
some clothes!
Here ya go.
Go stuff the big kielbasa, Mr.
Dewey. [ALL LAUGHING]
ALL: You put your whole foot
in You put your whole foot out
You put your whole foot in
and you shake it all about
You do the hokey pokey and you
turn yourself around [SCREAMS]
That's what it's all about
You put your rocket in
You put your rocket out
You put your rocket in
Have you seen my date? No,
have you seen my husband?
You do the hokey-pokey and
you turn yourself around No.
That's what it's all about
Excuse me.
Did your date
go off with my date?
[CONTINUES, INDISTINCT]
Hey, put your whole date in!
[SCREAMING]
You put your whole date in
You put your whole date in
and you shake it all about
You're all just a bunch of...
dirty heads.
Ladies and gentlemen.
The dance is over!
[CHATTERING AND SCREAMING,
INDISTINCT]
Excuse me.
MAN: What are you boys doing?
Now stop this!
Calling it a night?
Yes, Miss McVane.
Where is Verena?
Gee, I don't know.
Find her!
You guys, have you seen Verena?
Is she up here?
No. Miss McVane is on a
warpath... [SCREAMS]
Hey.
Townies?
Well, at least they're not St.
Ambrose boys. [SCOFFS]
Momo, listen, I'm on your side now.
St. Ambrose bites.
Then help me.
I can't find Verena anywhere.
Okay. I'll look for her. Come on.
The concert's about to begin.
Snake, wait here. Well,
you're gonna leave me...
BOY 1: She's sucking his face off.
BOY 2: He's the king.
I'll be right back.
Oh, schoolmaids.
Heaven is where you are.
ALL: Me, may, my,
mo, moo [BURPS]
Are they all accounted for? No.
Five boys are missing.
Frost, Dinwiddy, Adams, Schumacher
and Todd Winslow. Well, find Chubb.
No. No. I'll find Chubb.
You find those boys.
[CHATTERING, INDISTINCT]
Did you find Von Stefan? No.
I even checked her dorm room.
Something untoward is about to happen.
I can feel it.
I better go.
The concert.
Well, what about me? I have
to get caught in your bed.
Oh... someone will
come along.
You could start screaming like
you just came into your room.
Well, actually...
this isn't my room.
I knew you couldn't be
a Liberace fan.
I really gotta go.
But...
even after you're expelled
and everything,
will you write to me?
Oh, yeah.
Psst.
Need to sober up?
Yeah. That punch
was diabolical...
and I need to sing my solo.
Take a swig of this and pass
it along to the others.
What is it? Hair of
the bird that bit ya.
Takes a few minutes to work.
Psst. You know what you need
to sober up?
Take a swig of this, pass it along to the
other guys... What are you guys doin' here?
It's time for our entrance.
[MUMBLED]
Pass this on down, man.
She's not coming back, Snake.
She's ditched you.
Dead on the road.
But she kissed me.
Girls get very kissy right
before they give you the shaft.
Yeah. Severance pay.
Yeah, you're right.
What's...
Outrageous!
They've all been drinking!
[OUT OF TUNE]
I dream of Jeannie
with the...
[ALL SCREAMING]
[SCREAMS]
My dress!
What do we got here?
We got briefs.
We got boxers.
Boxers again.
Briefs.
Cool tool. I'm a nature
photographer myself.
[ALL MOANING]
On the bus, Cooper!
Don't you smart me again.
On that bus, young man.
Get... Oh.
Frost, you wipe that smile off your face.
Where were you?
MRS. O'BOYLE: Headmaster.
I hope you will discipline
this... human debris.
Let me assure you,
they will return
to St. Ambrose...
only to pack!
Frank?
Who's in there?
Well, Frank,
that about does it for me.
They're gone. I'd rather
be devoured by rats...
than be in the same school
with Todd Winslow.
It'll never happen now.
That was so brilliant
what you and Verena did.
God, where is Verena?
Odie, what's wrong?
What happened?
MISS MCVANE: You understand why you
can no longer attend Miss Godard's?
Of course, the boy
will be expelled too.
Your father will
pick you up this afternoon.
We'll send your records on
to any school you apply to.
Mr. Dewey is leaving us
as well, if that cheers you.
More tea?
No, thank you.
Cigarette?
Sure.
Catch.
Quite a debacle,
the St. Ambrose choir dance.
Boys drinking liquor,
heaving up all over the stage...
I'd say they had too many
of your refreshments.
My refreshments?
I have no proof, as usual,
but these events have a certain style I've
come to identify with your handiwork.
I did it for the school.
I know, dear.
I wish it had worked.
But the trustees are going to
hush up the entire affair...
and proceed with plans
for coeducation.
I shall announce it to the school
before summer vacation. No.
Won't be the first time women
have had to marry for money.
You betrayed us.
No.
No.
Miss Godard's was betrayed
by her own.
Year after year,
I've been on my knees...
groveling to the alumnae
for handouts,
five dollars here, ten dollars
there... big spenders...
The men give generously to their schools.
It's a solid investment.
They're ensuring that a steady supply
of the nation's leaders will be men.
Maybe you women don't give because
deep down you know it's useless.
I might as well been teaching
needlepoint and gardening,
instead of physics
and government.
Twenty-eight years of work,
just so I can kiss some headmaster's ass.
Miss McVane!
You're right to be afraid.
Because after the men plant their
flag in this school, they'll bury us.
It'll be subtle and insidious,
as is in real life.
I may be at the end of the
road here, but you're young...
and you have the talent
and power to lead.
Don't stop the fight.
Wherever you go, Verena,
don't give up.
I'm counting on you.
Good-bye.
[CHATTERING, INDISTINCT]
Just because I'm leaving doesn't mean
we have to stop helping each other.
I mean, we've joined forever.
The D.A.R. lives.
ALL: No more little
white gloves.
Okay. Everybody out.
I gotta pack.
I don't see how you can sit on a horse
if Dennis did his job correctly.
Dennis was a dead loss.
Well, you'll have the St. Ambrose
doofus population to keep you company.
No. It didn't work?
The school's going coed.
Miss McVane is gonna
announce it on Prize Day.
It's over.
Don't be so sure.
What do you mean?
Never mind.
Good-bye, Verena.
Hey, I'll buy
your magazine, okay?
If you ever run for anything,
let me know.
I'll fix the competition.
Okay.
Verena's gone.
St. Ambrose is taking over.
Next year I'm going to have to face
Todd Winslow every day at breakfast.
I want to retch and die!
They're going to pull down
our grade curve.
They're going to pull down
more than that.
Ladies, it's time to put
on our thinking caps.
[APPLAUSE]
MISS MCVANE: And that concludes our...
Prize Day ceremony.
I know you're all anxious
to get started with your summer,
but you must attend
final classes.
And I wish you all
a happy vacation.
[APPLAUDING, CHEERING]
Before you go, ah,
there is some important news.
Indeed so important
that Mrs. Sawyer,
president of Miss Godard's
Board of Trustees,
is here this morning
to tell you herself.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
Good morning.
I am very excited to be standing
here on the threshold of...
As it were a new era.
Next year,
this school will admit...
For the first time...
Members of the opposite sex.
[DISGRUNTLED CHATTERING]
Specifically, Miss Godard's...
will unite with
St. Ambrose Academy...
to form a single school on their
campus in Stoneytown, New Hampshire.
A letter was sent to your parents this
morning outlining the details of this...
Mother, no!
Quiet, please.
Our faculties will combine, but our
administrations will be separate.
[MRS. SAWYER CONTINUES,
INDISTINCT]
Attention! Attention, I have
something to say. Everybody listen.
GIRL 1: Just be quiet.
GIRL 2: Hey, listen to Odie. She's got an idea.
We have been gypped.
Some of you may think this school
going coed is a great idea.
Others of you
may think it's horrendous.
But right now the point is that the Board
of Trustees doesn't care what you think.
Did they ever
consult us? No.
Did they ever ask us what we wanted?
ALL: No. No.
We're only a pawn in their game.
What is going on here?
[ALL CHEERING] They teach
us self-government...
and then they disenfranchise us.
GIRL: That's true. They teach
us to take ourselves seriously...
and then they act
as if we don't count.
Well, hey, I say this eats the big one.
We count.
GIRL: Yeah. We wanna vote.
It's our future.
They expect us to stand around
and be docile and meek...
in our little white gloves
while they wield absolute power.
Well, I say,
"No more little white gloves."
Let's hear it. Do you wanna vote?
ALL: Yeah!
Then demand to vote!
Follow me to the dorms...
and we'll lock ourselves in
until they agree to our terms!
Come on, everybody. Let's go!
[ALL CHEERING]
What about it, Page?
Wanna give these kids a vote?
Don't be absurd.
Anybody that doesn't go back to class
immediately will be suspended!
Abby. Abigail, you have
an insurrection on your hands.
Let's see how you handle
yourself in a crisis.
Mother, up your ziggie
with a wah-wah brush.
Now, girls... [WHIMPERING]
Okay, now these go to
the parapet, third floor. Go!
You call all the newspapers.
You call the New York Times.
You call Life Magazine
and the Herald Tribune.
My dad owns that. Really? Okay,
then you call the Herald Tribune.
Ladies, no vote is possible.
The decision of
the trustees is final.
Will you please come out now...
or you all face suspension.
MRS. SAWYER: "A voice and a vote.
Don't trust the trustees." What?
I want you to break through that
door and clear the building.
I don't care if you have to pick them
up and carry them out one by one.
In two hours, their parents will be
arriving to take them home for vacation.
In two hours, this situation
must be under control!
Yes, ma'am.
[GROANING]
Out, or we start swinging!
Now, miss, put that down.
[ALL CHANTING]
Vote! Vote!
Okay. Come on. Move it right
up here to the front.
No. No. You-You are trespassing
on private property.
And I happen to...
TINKA: Okay. I got it.
The board of trustees has sold
this school down the river.
They want us to go coed with the St.
Ambrose Academy,
which is notorious for
their drunken behavior,
loose morals and lousy singing.
Tinka?
Tinka!
There must be some way
to get them out of there.
Well, there's tear gas. But they're
just a bunch of little girls, ma'am.
They are not just a bunch of girls.
They are Miss Godard's girls...
They're organized! Well, we
could surround the building...
and come in from all sides, if you
don't mind us breaking a few windows.
Do it! Go on! No!
["CALL TO THE POST"]
[HORSES NEIGHING]
MAN: All right, girls.
Okay, girls, next to them.
Back 'em up. Let's go!
Let's get out of here!
[SCREAMING, CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY]
Please. Please.
Please.
Parents will please
convene in the chapel,
where Mrs. Sawyer
will answer all your questions.
Me! Marsha! Face
the music, Page.
I'm going into the dorm
to talk with the girls.
Ah, to the chapel.
Doesn't 75 years of history
mean anything to you?
You can't railroad this... Our bylaws
state that the board of trustees...
MISS MCVANE: I know you all
feel left out of the process.
But legally the trustees
can take any action they choose.
You have no rights!
And neither do I.
If you don't like their decision, all
you can do is not come back next year.
And all I can do is quit!
These are your choices.
It doesn't have to be like that.
We can amend the bylaws.
We want to elect our own
student representative.
We can do that right now. Then all the
students will vote on coeducation...
and it will count as one trustee vote.
They won't permit that.
Otherwise, we won't
move from here.
And we have enough canned food
to last us here for months.
We've got the ballots ready.
No, Odette. Right, everybody.
ODETTE: Please.
No, Odette!
Please! Miss McVane,
Miss Godard's gave us a voice so
now it's kind of hard to shut up.
This is all rather new to me.
Carry on, Odette.
Now, this may seem
pretty simple,
but now it's time to decide how you
really feel about Miss Godard's.
Some of you may think
of this place as a prison,
some old-fashioned prude's idea
about keeping us out of trouble...
because we can't be trusted
to look out for ourselves.
And you think times have changed
and we can hold our own with boys.
So you'll vote "yes"
on coeducation.
Miss Godard's will disappear
like the dinosaurs.
Now, for others of you, you think this
place has brought out the best in you.
In here they give you the nerve to reach
into yourself and pull out your colors...
and wave them
as high as you can.
So, you'll vote "no"
on changing this place.
Because to you, Miss Godard's
isn't a prison at all.
It's a place to be free.
MISS MCVANE: And the results of the
informal student vote are as follows:
For coeducation,
77 votes.
Against, 115.
And they have chosen Odette
Sinclair as their representative,
should the board of trustees decide
to admit one student member.
And, in addition, they want to help the
school out of its financial troubles.
Each one of them, without hesitation,
has donated whatever she can...
from her personal
savings account.
I have checks here
amounting to $3,000.
Now, maybe that's
a paltry amount,
but their generosity
just about broke my heart.
And I am sure that if parents and
alumnae follow their example,
we can solve whatever
budget problems we have...
very, very soon.
These are your daughters.
You can be proud.
[ALL SCREAMING, CHEERING]
You're in trouble. We're
going home, honey.
REPORTER: Yes, there's been quite a
turn of events. The main mutiny is over...
and the "rebelettes"
are going home.
And the president of the board of trustees
and her husband has resigned as well.
TINKA'S MOM: It's all far
too much excitement for me.
I don't know why you young girls have
such a great appetite for drama.
Still, I am glad you all stopped them...
[ANIMAL NOISES]
From rushing
into this coeducation.
In many ways, the old
ways are the best ways.
Oh, by the way, the Wheelwright boy
will be back in town for the holidays,
and I thought since his parents
and I are such great friends,
that it was high time
the two of you were introduced.
Those cuties have fun can't
wait to get home Bye, Odie!
Bye, Momo. Bye, Tweety.
TWEETY: Bye, Odie!
Bye! See ya next year.
VERENA: Odious!
Verena! We drove down as soon as
we heard the news on the radio.
You were brilliant.
This is Frosty.
Hi.
Guess what? We both
got accepted to Chancery.
We're going to be going
there in September. Hmm.
Coed school will be
a nice change.
Excuse us, please.
You hypocrite. I thought
you said you hated boys.
I know.
[SIGHS]
But I've been thinking.
Perhaps they're like dogs.
If we don't take them in, they run
wild and they're a danger to society.
Verena, up yours
with a Breck bottle.
TINKA: Bye, guys!
TOGETHER: Bye!
Bye!
Girlfriends for life
Girlfriends
For life
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Talkin' about my
girlfriends For life
Girlfriends For life
Girlfriends
For life
The goin' gets tough
We ain't no fluff Struttin'
our stuff with girlfriends
Shampooed and curl
Mascara and pearls
What's that word We're
girlfriends For life
Girlfriends For life
Girlfriends
For life
Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah
I hear Stacy
went out with him
What, is she crazy
There she is She's
walkin' kinda funny
Let's ask her
Hey, Stacy, what's new
Met a boy so sweet
He took me out last week
For a movie and a dinner
Then we parked
on a dead-end street
He said I've got
a present for you
I thought my dreams
were all coming true
I closed my eyes
I fantasized
I held out my hand
Waited for my big surprise
Was it a diamond ring
Or a brand-new dress
Perfume, I bet
Well, can't you guess
Oh, oh, oh, oh
A hairy bird
What could I say
So new to romance
I looked up at his
face Don't look down
I looked down at his pants
When a guy asks for
the proof of your love
Do you spit out your gum
Do you put on a glove
What are the rules
The etiquette
All the things Mama told me
Are inappropriate
Girl, what are ya
carryin' on about
Come on, talk English
Do I have to spell it out
Oh, oh, oh, oh
A hairy bird
So, how big was it
Well, smaller than a mailbox
But bigger than one of those
little cocktail things
Was it long
Well, pretty long
But he's not
Vlad the Impaler
Go on Go on
Go on Okay
So, I thought
what would it hurt
One little bite
But on your wedding day
You couldn't wear white
Oh, no
I jumped out of his car
like a comet
And I guess I must have
slammed the door on it
Look out, look out,
look out [BOY SCREAMING]
Oh, oh, oh, oh
A hairy bird
Everybody, have you heard
the word
She slammed the door
and she crushed that bird
Oh, oh, oh, oh
The hairy bird
Everybody, have you heard
the word Oh, oh, oh
She slammed the door and she
crushed that bird Oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh
The hairy bird
Everybody, have you heard
the word Oh, oh, oh
She slammed the door
and she crushed that bird