All Inclusive (2014) Movie Script
I've written the days of the week
on the freezer bags.
Just take them out
a couple of hours before use.
On Sunday, comb all three for lice.
Including Victor. It has to be done.
We're getting rid of those bastards.
Are you listening, Lasse?
I'm really, really in a hurry.
The taxi's here now.
Kids! Give me a kiss.
Get out now, Thomas. I have to be
in the airport five minutes ago.
Ditte, my name's David.
Hi, Mum.
- Hi, Ditte.
Why are you always late?
- Shut up, Sigrid.
We have to walk faster.
- Where's Dad?
Hello! Answer me.
Dad's not going after all.
It's just the three of us.
The three of us?
We can't leave without Dad.
What's going on?
Well, it's Dad...
Dad is dead.
- No!
No, no.
- Dad is dead?
Dad's not dead.
- He is dead.
To me he is.
- Dad?
No, Dad's not dead.
- No, honey. It was a joke.
I'm sorry, Skipper.
Mum and Dad are getting a divorce.
- A divorce?
Come with me, Ditte.
- What's going on?
Dad's new girlfriend is Jonna.
Remember her? From Accounts?
Mum found them in the store room.
She had Dad's thingy in her mouth.
No.
- Yes.
Mum, come on.
We're already late. Come on.
- I'm not going.
We're going to Malta
to celebrate your birthday.
I don't even know where Malta is.
It's close to Africa.
Come on. Shall I take this for you?
Do you have your boarding pass?
Come on, honey.
Welcome. Glad to have you on board.
You're in seats A and B.
We're in row 15, Mum. Come on.
Sigrid, are we not together?
- Where is Ditte's seat?
Why aren't we sitting together?
What are you looking at?
- Are you travelling on your own?
No, my mother and sister
are over there.
Where's your dad?
- He should've been here.
But he chose to stay home
and bang an accountant named Jonna.
My maths teacher's called Jonna.
I don't think it's her.
May I have some?
Not really. No, Dad!
Here.
- Thanks.
And please stop talking to my son.
- Okay, fine.
What is it now?
My dad thinks
you seem mentally unstable.
And what makes him an expert in
other people's mental health?
He's a psychologist.
It's really nice.
Where did you get it?
It was a present from my mum.
Can I try it?
- Yes, for a little while.
Dad?
- It's really cool, huh?
I have to pee.
- Not now. The plane's landing.
But then I'll pee in my pants.
- You'll have to wait. We're landing.
I can't. I'm peeing now.
Here it comes.
Here.
- Are you giving my son alcohol?
No, I'm giving him
something to pee in.
Will you please hold this?
- What? Yes.
Can I get a sip? I need a drink.
- No, no.
It's tepid.
I'll get you a drink at the hotel.
Why do you complicate everything?
- No, no, no, it's pee! Sorry.
Come to me and get your 'all
inclusive' bracelets. Here you go.
You ought to mention the humidity.
It's important to drink a lot.
I was planning on saying that.
Last year you said it in the bus.
I missed it this year.
You're doing a great job.
Dad, remember our suitcase. Dad?
All inclusive bracelets for you.
Lousy, crappy suitcases! I told you
not to buy this discount shit.
It wasn't me who bought it.
Did I count you?
- Twice.
It just says you're four travelling
together. I can't find Bent.
Bent Reinholt. Is he with you?
- No. Come on.
I don't understand. It says Lise,
Bent, Ditte and Sigrid Reinholt.
Bent is dead.
You're incredibly unprofessional.
518. Here it is.
- It's the last one.
Aren't you too hot in this?
- No.
How annoying.
- Do it slower.
Didn't you get another card as well?
- No, it is this one.
With a picture of a lady.
Are you sure?
- Slower, Sigrid.
I also got another card.
I'll just try the other one.
Oh, that was it.
Wow, what a nice room!
Just let me take it, Mum.
It's a lovely, big bed.
Oh my god, I am so hot.
No, no, not the mini bar!
It's just way too expensive.
Don't even touch them, or they
register it as if you drank it.
When were Lasse and I...
When were we in Rome?
I think it was in 2009, Mum?
You had the kids.
It was a terrible shock
when we got the check.
Dad must have really splashed out.
- Did Dad move out?
And you can walk on the cliffs.
- Answer me. Did Dad move out?
I think you're in there.
Let's go and look at your room.
Why aren't the two of us together?
- Come on. Let's have a look.
Mum...
Come on.
Hi.
- Not now. Mum's really upset.
Just come in, Ditte.
- Hi.
Mum, you're not alone.
- Yes, I am.
Remember you've got me,
Lasse and the kids.
And you've got... Ditte.
There, there, Mum.
Hi, Mum
- Aren't you too hot in those boots?
Are you okay, Mum?
- No, Mum isn't feeling too well.
Would you like to go to the bar?
- Now?
Yes.
- No, I don't really need anything.
It's just been a really long day
and I'm tired now, Ditte.
We'll see you tomorrow,
okay, Ditte?
Dad, could you come down here?
Why not?
This holiday was your idea.
Did she find out just yesterday?
Three weeks ago?
Are you talking with Dad?
Are you smoking?
- No, I'm not.
Why are you talking with Dad?
- How long have you known?
For two weeks and three days.
- Why the hell didn't you tell me?
Ditte, what would you have done
if you had known?
I would've helped you and supported
you and dropped by with pizzas.
You should've called me.
Can I get a cigarette?
Come and sit down.
Ditte, when Mum had her stroke,
we called you for three days.
It's five years ago and my batteries
were flat. I've told you before.
No, not that time. You were touring
with that rock hullabaloo band.
That rock hullabaloo band was
when you were giving birth.
Yes, and funnily enough you never
made it to any of my deliveries.
Funnily enough, I don't like looking
up your pussy when humans pop out.
Mum has been there every time
and she loves watching them pop out.
What's the issue here?
The issue is that you've signed out
from this family and it's fine.
Then we don't expect anything from
you and you can't disappoint us.
I didn't sign out from anything.
- What are my kids' names?
God, what a stupid question.
- What are their names?
You're being ridiculous.
What their names are?
Their names are...
Their names are...
It's Jonas.
Yes.
And the girl is called Laura.
The girl is called Laura.
- And... William.
What?
- William.
What did you say?
- William.
No.
Villy. Villads.
For fuck's sake,
it's Victor.
Victor, Victor, Victor. Laura,
Jonas, Victor. Laura, Jonas, Victor.
You have to be
the world's biggest egoist.
I'm bloody well not.
Stop hitting me!
Damn, you hit really hard.
What did you buy for Mum?
What do you mean?
- What did you buy for her birthday?
All kinds of stuff.
Can we share it, please?
- See you tomorrow.
No, we can't share it.
Buy your own present. Sweet dreams.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
Which animal would you like to be?
Which animal?
Are you okay?
Did the teddy bear molest you?
They won't let you in?
I think they're sleeping. Hello!
Let me in! It's Ditte!
Maybe they're dead.
Your dad's
not going swimming with you?
He's asleep.
He's been up all night.
Doing what?
- Crying.
Why?
- Because of my mum.
This is just...
Let me in!
Maybe they're having breakfast.
- Not without me.
And then there's this.
A war museum.
What?
- War. A war museum.
I see.
Dad would've loved that.
Well, he's not here.
You can swim with dolphins.
We tried it on Kos.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
I've always wanted to try it.
A historic tour.
A tour of the Knights Templar.
Do you remember
Dad talked about that?
A bus picks us up at the hotel
and drives us to the ruins...
Good morning, Mum.
- Hi. I'm glad you found us.
Were you in a coma? We knocked
on your door for fifteen minutes.
Happy birthday, Mum.
- But...
This is for you.
- You're kidding, right?
It's a travel gift
with all your favourite stuff.
It's all so nice.
This is so lovely.
- Yes, I bought it on the Internet.
There's some honey and...
This is good.
And what does it say?
"I was in Malta beach".
Isn't it lovely?
- Yes.
Did you get that on the Internet, too?
- I think it'll fit me.
It's beautiful.
- It's not today.
What?
- Mum's birthday is on Thursday.
90?
- No, I told them it was 60.
Never mind.
- I said sixty.
But I did say sixty.
Never mind. We'll just turn
it upside down. Zero sex.
My compliments.
- I think it's complimentary, right?
This is really nice, Ditte.
Do you have any more surprises?
Mum, why do we have to celebrate your
birthday on a particular day?
Can't we celebrate you today as well?
- Yes, that's fine.
It's fun.
- Yes!
So did you have
something special in mind?
Yes, Ditte, what did you plan?
Lots of stuff.
You should've checked the weather.
- Shut up, Sigrid.
No one's ever died from
a change of weather. What is it?
Lasse just sent some pictures
of Victor. He's so adorable.
Can I see?
What is he doing?
- It's willy time.
It's so fine.
- Isn't it sweet?
Come on, Mum.
- He's got the same eyes.
You're going on the water slide.
- What?
You're going on the water slide.
Yes, you are. I'll take this.
No one my age goes on those things.
- It's really fun. Just once.
My back hurts. I didn't sleep well.
- Don't do it if you don't want to.
If I go with you, we can have
just one ride. Should we do it?
Are you ready?
One, two...
- Three, let's go!
...three, let's go!
I was the first one down!
What?
Let go!
Where's Mum? Mum?
- Mum?
Mum?
Mum!
You have to let go!
- Help me.
I'm coming!
- Help me! I won't do this.
No, Sigrid, it's the wrong tube.
Jesus!
Mum, just let go,
you're almost down now.
No, I'm not.
Mum, give me your hand.
- No, Sigrid.
Give me your hand,
then I'll pull you.
No, I won't. I won't!
- Mum. Now.
Mum... Ditte, really!
Come here.
God, Ditte, that was so much fun!
Didn't you think it was fun?
Shouldn't we wait for Sigrid?
- She just wanted to call home.
I'm glad I got this.
Aren't you too hot in those boots?
- I'm fine.
You can borrow my flip flops.
I've got a pair I'm not using.
Are you okay, Mum?
Yes. It's just that...
...I imagined...
...I imagined
that I would grow old with Dad...
...that we'd die together.
First him, of course. Men don't
live that long. They're weaklings.
Did you know from the start
that Dad was the one?
With Dad it was love at first sight.
He was dancing with someone else,
a Swedish girl, I think.
And I just stepped in.
- You did?
Yes. I said:
"I think you should dance with me. "
It's an order.
- Yes.
And then we danced all night
and I knew he was the one.
He was a hottie?
We went down to the beach
and laid down in a deck chair.
And that's when we made Sigrid.
How funny. You've never told us.
- Well, you never asked.
I know, but...
Do you miss Dad?
Well, it hasn't always been easy,
your dad and me...
He's had some issues.
But I've always thought
we made a very good...
...team
or whatever you'd call it.
It's just that...
I need to be something for someone.
- Of course, Mum.
I'm not good at being alone.
- But you won't be alone, Mum.
It's so sweet of you to say so.
- No, I mean it. You're so lovely.
I think I look like a wrinkled apple.
No, you don't.
Tina Turner's still pulling men.
Yes, but Tina Turner
goes to more parties than I do.
Isn't Tina Turner dead?
No, as a matter of fact, she just got
married again. To a younger man.
Mum, you're getting a red nose.
- Sigrid, please don't.
Maybe it's not that red. What are you
talking about besides Tina Turner?
I'm just telling Mum how many men
she could pull if she bothered.
We go out tonight, have a few drinks,
dress up a bit. It's not that hard.
Why are you telling Mum such crap?
- What?
What are you talking about?
- That she can find a man.
She's a nice lady.
You're playing with her emotions.
She's fragile as it is.
Of course she can find a man.
She'll feel defeated
if she goes out tonight, -
- all dressed up,
thinking all the men will woo her -
- and nothing happens.
I just feel bad for her.
I do.
Hey!
- Full house.
She can't handle one more defeat.
- Open up your mouth.
I've become allergic to nuts!
It started after I gave birth.
I've always been allergic
to hazelnuts, -
- but then it evolved into pistachios,
sunflower seeds, -
- macadamia...
And I love macadamia nuts.
Do you have any siblings?
- No.
You're lucky. It's a living hell.
I have to go find
a man for my mother.
Can I come?
What does your dad say?
- He's sleeping.
Pull me up, Fido.
What about him?
What did he say?
Oliver, wait here.
Yes.
- Oh, you're Danish?
My mum has read that book.
She says it's bloody marvellous.
Well, it's, you know...
It's ten to five.
What a nice spot you've found here.
Are you and your wife hiding here?
My wife?
- Yes.
I don't have one of those.
But you're staying at the hotel?
- Yes, I'm right up there.
We should go for a drink.
- The two of us?
Yes, and my mum.
I'm travelling with my mum.
She's really fantastic,
so sweet and lovely and exciting.
Mogens!
Little darling,
come over here and meet...
Ditte. Hi.
- Ditte stays at our hotel.
I see...
Well, I've got to... Bye.
If you go near my man one more time,
I'll beat the shit out of you.
Aren't there any normal people
in this place?
Hi, Mum.
- Hi, Ditte.
What's that?
- Do you want one?
Now?
- Yes.
Thanks.
Look. She made that wedding cake
for her sister's wedding.
But she hasn't got hands.
- That's why it's so impressive.
Imagine doing that for your sister
when you've got no hands.
She must've gotten help with
the icing. Look how neat it is.
Cheers, Mum.
- Cheers, Ditte.
Mmm, it's good.
You look so great
with your hair like that.
You think so?
Maybe you're right.
- Can I give you a makeover?
You loved to do that as a child.
Hi, Sigrid.
- Hi. Please let me through.
Your ass is on fire.
- It's no joke. God, it hurts.
I think you've got a nice bum.
- Thanks.
It hardly shows
that you've had so many babies.
I didn't give birth
with my bum.
But three deliveries
take their toll on the body.
I think it's fine to have a body
that shows that you've given birth.
Mum's not good with cold colours.
- You don't have a clue.
Don't you think it's nice, Mum?
I think I look a bit pale.
It's not too dark for my pale skin?
- I think it looks good on you.
I would like a cold shower
before we go out.
What a shame
I forgot the potato flour.
Without you two in the room.
Yes.
- Thanks.
Can I just quickly...?
Cut it out.
We'd better go, Ditte.
- The red ass made her cranky.
I think she got angry
when I mentioned giving birth.
Do you think it's too much?
Not if you're a slut.
- What did you say?
Hot. I still feel hot
from the sun today.
Is that your own dress, Mum?
It doesn't cover much.
It's mine, and you're beautiful.
Just look at him.
- Raise your glass to him, Mum.
Don't you think it's for you?
Or for you, Sigrid?
Raise your glass, Mum.
- Mum, really...
He's coming.
- What?
I'm getting hot flashes.
I thought I was done with that.
It's polyester, Mum.
Your name's Lise.
I think he knows that.
What are you doing?
- Let's go out and smoke.
We are outside!
- Where are you going?
I don't understand the plan.
Don't breathe down her neck
while she's chatting with a man.
I'm just looking after her.
She's a grown-up, Sigrid.
You don't find it weird
that he's coming on to her?
How old do you think he is?
At least 15 years younger than her.
Maybe he's into older women.
- Or maybe he's a psychopath.
Or an organ thief.
- No.
Maybe he locked her in a cellar -
- and is cutting her up as we speak
and stealing her liver.
Don't you think an organ thief
would pick a younger women?
It's not funny. We don't know him.
Do you think
they've gone to that club?
Mum?
No, she's not dancing.
Hi, Mum.
You just disappeared.
Antonio really wanted
to bring me here.
Isn't he gorgeous?
- Yes.
Mum, how about we go home now?
It's getting late.
No, I'll stay.
I'll stay. Just go to your rooms.
I'll come later.
My ass, goddammit!
Don't you dare do that again!
Sigrid, take it easy.
He just wants to dance.
We'd like you to go with us.
- I'll join you later.
Go home with Sigrid.
See you!
Good night.
- Good night.
Do you want to come in?
- Yes.
I hope my children will see each
other more than we have done.
Do you love your children equally?
I love my children.
I really love them.
Of course, some of them are a bit
more annoying than others...
Mum has always preferred you.
- No.
No, that's not true.
Ditte, it's simply not true.
Ditte!
What a load of crap.
Maybe Mum and I are closer right now
because I live right next door, -
- but it's not true.
And you've always been Daddy's girl.
Is there any more gin?
This costs six euros.
- Whatever.
Have you never wanted to settle down?
Get started on an education,
a family, a life?
A life? You've got some nerve!
I have a life.
No, I mean... a real life.
A real life?
I'd rather die than have your life.
When was the last time you just let
go, didn't give a shit and got wasted?
Hi, Mum!
Did you have a nice evening?
I've had the most wonderful
evening with the most wonderful man -
- and I'll see him again tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
- Yes.
Why are you seeing him tomorrow?
I feel just like Tina Turner. I
haven't danced like this in 30 years.
Thank you so much
for a marvellous non-birthday.
You're welcome.
Did you do anything besides dancing?
Are you asking
if I slept with Antonio?
Because I don't really think
that it's any of your business.
But I haven't.
Not yet, anyway.
She'll never forgive me
if she finds out.
That you slept with him
or that you paid him to like her?
She wasn't supposed to fall for him.
He was just to
give her some confidence and...
...make her happy.
Do you think he loves her?
- No way.
But he'll definitely make her sad
and that's my fault.
I think he wants to sleep with her.
- No, no, no! Yuck!
He can forget about that.
It's not happening.
You can't control it.
Adults always do whatever they want.
So this is where you're hiding?
Ditte, what are you doing?
- I'm also going in the spa.
No. Go, Ditte!
Go, Ditte.
What are you thinking?
Use your brain.
Why...?
Put on some clothes.
Get out of here!
I'm sorry.
Do you have kids?
- Yes.
How many?
- Three.
Oh, my god!
This is Laura.
Laura's eight...
I'm sorry, but I really don't want to
look at more children.
It's funny how people
always think so. Good lord.
The whole world revolves around
those kids and it makes me sick.
Deliver me from people who think I
want to hear about their stupid brats.
I've got my own stupid brats.
You're a shrink, right?
Yes.
Can I ask you something?
- You're sitting on my sweater.
Oops.
- Thanks.
Would you die if you had my life?
Are you drunk?
And I can't be drunk
because I've got three children?
You're eating
the gnawed olive stones.
I've always done
what was expected of me.
I've looked after and nurtured,
picked up and brought -
- and baked and baked and baked!
Now she's met some bartender -
- and who gets the credit
for making her happy?
Ditte, of course. Of course.
I'm hearing you say
that you feel angry and hurt...
...because your younger sister...
...has brought some happiness
to your mother's life?
You can hear how it sounds,
can't you?
Good night.
Sigrid, what's going on?
Is it a stomach flu?
Are you drunk?
Yes, and I am drunk often,
as a matter of fact.
Come here.
Take two fingers...
Come on, two fingers.
Put two fingers down your throat
and tickle your uvula.
Can you feel it?
Stretch your fingers and tickle it.
Yes, that's good.
Do you see the toilet brush?
Look at the water in its container.
Imagine drinking that water right
now. Yes, that's good. Come on.
That's it.
Ditte, don't take it from the tap.
I'd like the water from the bottle.
Here you are.
- Thanks.
Thanks, Ditte.
- You're welcome.
You're just so sweet to me.
I feel so bad.
- I know.
Where have you been?
- I've been to the beach.
The waves were enormous, gigantic.
Several times
I thought I was going to drown.
But then he was there.
- Antonio? Yes.
And then he carried me all the way
through the sand to a deck chair.
Why did he carry you to a deck chair?
- I didn't dare walk on the sand.
It felt like there were crabs
all over, and it was pitch-dark.
What did he do?
- Wasn't it sweet of him?
Those Mediterranean men
know their business.
It's not just something they say.
Phew, I think I need a shower.
I've got sand in all my holes.
Sigrid, why are you lying around?
Yuck, it reeks of vomit in here.
I've never tried breaking in.
- It's something you have to try.
What are you looking for?
- The evidence.
Yuck!
That's you, right?
I'd better take it
so your mum doesn't find it.
Promise me you'll tear it up.
- Yes, of course.
So every time
he bought a cheese...
Did you have cheese labels
in the good old days?
So every time he bought a cheese
he'd steam the label off -
- and put it in a folder.
What?
Each time he bought a cheese,
he would steam the label off -
- and put it in this folder.
What was the name of the man from the
cheese shop in Virum? Remember that?
Wasn't it Dan Nielsen?
- Dan Nielsen? Cheese Man Dan!
Cheese Man Dan...
Didn't he die of birthmark cancer?
Yes, I think so. Something like that.
These are really pretty.
Don't you want to go to the pool?
No, I think I'll just...
They're crazy, these cheese labels.
Where's Mum?
- She's in the shower.
Wow, these colours are amazing.
- Mum, don't you want to...
What's happening?
What's up, Ditte?
- Mum splashed water on me.
Why?
- She was in the shower like this.
No.
- Yes.
It's not funny.
She was standing like this.
- It's not funny!
Sigrid, Sigrid, she was standing
like this. Look. She was...
I don't know what you're thinking,
but it's not true.
Did you think that just because
you get older you don't feel lust?
No.
It actually
only gets better with age.
Except for men. For them it's harder
and harder to get an erection, -
- when they get older -
- while women find it
easier and easier to get an orgasm.
Something really takes off down there
when you're 40. Right, Sigrid?
Mum,
I'm just not having this conversation!
It's just a shame for older women
that the mucous membrane dries out.
But then there's
this thing called Vagifem.
It's a vaginal suppository, -
- you stick it up your crack
and it's as good as new.
Is she done?
Mum's telling us about something
she sticks up her crack.
Sit still.
What? What?
You've got lice.
- Shit.
Shit!
Look. There's another one.
- You've got lice! That's disgusting.
Okay, I've got lice and Mum just
masturbated with the hand shower.
Take out that hair band.
I'll take some balsam.
Go and wash your fanny finger.
Lose that ponytail and come out.
God, that's a big chap.
Do you see it?
It's disgusting.
You always had lice as a girl.
- So did Ditte.
No, she didn't, actually.
It's funny when you think about it.
They ought to prefer Ditte's hair.
- Why should they prefer Ditte's hair?
Because her hair's so thick
it's easier for lice to hide.
Your hair is finer or...
...sort of sloppy.
But it's great
that you managed to get it so long.
I don't think there are any more.
I think we got them all.
Oh, it's that song...
I love that song.
Can't you turn it up, Ditte?
Come on, Ditte!
Come on, Ditte.
Sit down, sit down.
Tell him
I'll be out in five minutes.
What if Daddy Cool
becomes our bonus Dad one day?
That is not going to happen.
She can't fall in love with him.
Dad has been a dick to her for years.
Finally, a man treats her nicely.
No, he's not nice.
He's a total player.
Up until the arrival of Daddy Cool,
you couldn't care less about Mum.
But he's fucking
everything that moves.
So you've been there?
- As a matter of fact, yes.
No. Of course I haven't.
You had intercourse
with Mum's new boyfriend?
Have a good day...
- Bye bye.
It was before Mum
that I sort of happened to...
...happened to have intercourse
with Antonio.
Little Ditte Dick.
You and Mum...
- Sigrid!
You're eating from the same plate.
It's not funny, Sigrid.
You're sisters-in-holes!
I'm the only one of the three of us
he didn't feel like...?
He goes straight from you...
to her?
Would you have liked to bang him?
- No.
But he could have made a pass at me.
It's common decency.
You're not exactly radiating sex.
Hi.
- Hi.
Anders,
I need to borrow you for a bit.
You're honest,
and I appreciate that.
There's something I have to find out,
so I'll ask you a question.
I'm not at work.
- As a man! As a man.
As a man, would you pick me -
- or my sister Ditte or my mother?
I'm talking as a sex beast,
all macho.
I know you'd pick Ditte and that's
okay, she's always had loads of men.
But after Ditte,
would you pick me or my mum?
Would you really rather be with
a sixty-year-old than with this?
I can't do this.
I'm so sorry, it's all over now.
I've put on my robe again.
There, there.
Congratulations, Mum.
But it's not today.
I'm kidding. I had you going there.
Sixty years!
It's nothing special.
Just a little something.
A photo album.
- Laura has decorated it.
It's really beautiful.
I made it before the thing with Dad,
before he...
You mean before he died?
I'm just kidding.
There are lots from the water park.
- When did you go there?
Every summer
for the last eight years.
I'm not going there again.
- Why not?
Sigrid, it was so mucky.
- One piece of sausage wrapper.
Sausage wrapper?
No, it was sausages and human poos
floating about.
We're eating.
- What are the plans for today?
Antonio's cousin's got a boat,
so we're sailing to the Blue Lagoon.
The Blue Lagoon!
- Sounds great.
Well, you're not going.
- But it's your birthday.
But I want to spend
some time alone with Antonio.
But you're with him all the time.
I've just met him.
I'm not with him all the time.
I think
you spend a lot of time with him.
It's okay.
- We did celebrate me already.
But it wasn't your real birthday.
I can decide for myself
what I want to do on my birthday.
If Mum wants to be alone
with Antonio, that's fine.
We'll find something else to do.
I just think
you spend too much time with him.
I think she's jealous.
- Mum, really!
Of course I'm not jealous.
- No, I don't think so either.
Would you like to be with Antonio?
- No, Mum! Yuck!
But he's gorgeous.
Mum, I'm not at all
interested in him.
Never mind, it's just...
I would never ruin it for you.
- No, I'm just kidding with you.
I just think we should be together
on your birthday.
We are together.
And we can be together tonight.
Did you give a nude drawing
of yourself to my son?
Dad, it's not her.
- You're saying this isn't you?
No. No, it's not me.
- Dad, come on.
Look at what she's given to my son.
He's ten!
No, no, I don't know who that is.
Mum, don't look at it.
I just have to see it.
- No, Mum, please look at me.
Mum? It's not what you think it is.
That's not me.
Have you been naked with Antonio?
- I haven't been naked with Antonio.
I don't know
what he's talking about.
I'm just trying to be nice.
- I told you to rip it to pieces!
I don't know what he's talking about.
- I can see that it is you, Ditte.
Mum, no, no, no! Mum!
Mum?
Mum?
- Mum?
She's not here.
Have you seen our mum?
- Were you going on the tour?
Our mum went on that tour?
- Yes. The bus just left.
Where to?
I can book you on a tour tomorrow.
And there's...
Sigrid, give me some money.
- All right.
Come on.
More, more, more.
This is extortion.
What are you doing?
- I'm not talking to you any more.
Can I come?
- Go up to your dad, Oliver!
No, they drive in the left in Malta!
- Do I drive or do you?
We're not going the right way.
- What do you know?
Stop looking at me all the time.
I'm driving.
You've got to relax and let me drive.
Or else I'll have an accident.
- You're driving the wrong way.
What do you know?
You've never been to Malta.
Neither have you.
- You're absolutely right.
And I'm never coming back.
Not if you're going.
This is all wrong, Sigrid!
We've been driving for an hour.
No, Sigrid,
you're going the wrong way.
Respect the fact that
I am trying to focus on this.
I can't respect it
when we're going the wrong way!
Why must I always save you all?
- Nobody asked you to.
For once stop
trying to control things.
Then you take over. Let's see
how that goes. I'm so sick of you.
I hate you!
- I hate you more!
Stop it!
Are you okay, Sigrid?
I'm sorry.
- No, I'm sorry, Ditte.
Don't you worry about it.
Let me see. Does it hurt?
I'm fine.
What a mess.
What do you think
your dad will make of all this?
I don't think he'll notice I'm gone.
- Yes, of course he will.
He's just sad because of
the divorce, but he'll cheer up.
Actually, a lot of children
have divorced parents.
Our mum and dad
have just divorced.
They didn't get a divorce.
Then why is he crying?
Because she's dead.
Didn't you say they got a divorce?
- You never asked.
I'm sorry about that.
What happened?
She got cancer.
It happened so fast.
Suddenly she was gone.
And do you know what was
the last thing I said to her?
What did you say to her?
"I hate you. "
I told her I hated her because she
never came to Parents Day in school.
And then I went to bed.
In the morning, Dad couldn't wake her
and I couldn't either.
We just sat there by her bed
hoping she was asleep.
But she wasn't. And we knew it.
In the end I had to call grandmother.
Dad just couldn't.
Come here, little darling.
Why do we say
such stupid things to each other?
Because you forget to think.
But it doesn't matter.
And your mum knows
that you didn't mean it.
She does?
- Yes, she does.
Yes, she does.
Of course someone'll find us.
Malta's not that big.
Is it totally dead?
- Yes, it is.
I think
they'll need to amputate my arm.
They can take my foot
while they're at it.
You're so sweet.
- This was under the seat.
Water?
- Yes, please.
What is it? Is it medicine?
Sort of, yes.
I think it's coke.
Yes, coke.
Hash, skunk...
...and coke.
Codeine, benzos and LSD.
Who are you?
- I lived in Berlin for three years.
What have we here?
Oh, my god, it's heroin.
It is. She's crazy.
But I guess that this...
...and this...
...and half of this...
...can relieve the shoulder.
And the foot?
- Also the foot.
Can I have one?
- No.
No and no, okay?
Yes.
- Good.
Is it true
we become stars when we die?
Yes.
- Yes, of course we do.
What else?
How old are you, Oliver?
- Ten years old.
Ten years...
That's just the perfect age.
Ten years. Ten years.
He said they were...
Oliver. Oliver.
Ditte. Sigrid.
I'm so sorry, Dad.
- No, I'm sorry.
Come on up.
- Don't touch my arm.
How did you find us, Mum?
- It was Oliver who called.
You've got a phone on you, Oliver?
- Why didn't you say so?
Because I didn't want to go home.
- I'm so sorry, honey.
I love you.
What happened, Sigrid?
We had an accident
and my shoulder is hurting like mad.
Let me see.
- I think it's dislocated.
Does it hurt when I pull here?
Let me have a look.
You're a sissy. Come on!
Sigrid.
- What?
There isn't room for three!
- I'm sorry.
Well, it's your own fault. You should
have thought about it sooner.
Come here, Sigrid.
No, come on.
Come on.
No.
I think
you should talk with him.
I don't know if I can afford it.
How much does he charge by the hour?
I paid him to flirt with you for one
night. All the rest was on the house.
Why should he do that?
- Because he likes you.
He's crazy about you, Mum.
It's true.
No, it's not true.
Why can't this...?
Because you're so lovely.
Hold this, please.
I think it's willy time.
Mum?
The bus is leaving.
I'm coming.
I just have to say goodbye.
So you're not
taking him back to Denmark?
No, he lives here.
He has all his stuff here.
Yeah, but still...
Dad and I once bought a really good
cheese when we were in France.
A cheese?
It tasted absolutely marvellous
when we were on the beach.
I don't think we'd ever
tasted such a good cheese.
But then we bought one to take home.
And in our kitchen back home, -
- it didn't taste like
anything at all.
Then it was suddenly just a cheese.
Maybe some things
become magical -
- when you add something yourself.
Men and cheese?
Yes, men and cheese.
on the freezer bags.
Just take them out
a couple of hours before use.
On Sunday, comb all three for lice.
Including Victor. It has to be done.
We're getting rid of those bastards.
Are you listening, Lasse?
I'm really, really in a hurry.
The taxi's here now.
Kids! Give me a kiss.
Get out now, Thomas. I have to be
in the airport five minutes ago.
Ditte, my name's David.
Hi, Mum.
- Hi, Ditte.
Why are you always late?
- Shut up, Sigrid.
We have to walk faster.
- Where's Dad?
Hello! Answer me.
Dad's not going after all.
It's just the three of us.
The three of us?
We can't leave without Dad.
What's going on?
Well, it's Dad...
Dad is dead.
- No!
No, no.
- Dad is dead?
Dad's not dead.
- He is dead.
To me he is.
- Dad?
No, Dad's not dead.
- No, honey. It was a joke.
I'm sorry, Skipper.
Mum and Dad are getting a divorce.
- A divorce?
Come with me, Ditte.
- What's going on?
Dad's new girlfriend is Jonna.
Remember her? From Accounts?
Mum found them in the store room.
She had Dad's thingy in her mouth.
No.
- Yes.
Mum, come on.
We're already late. Come on.
- I'm not going.
We're going to Malta
to celebrate your birthday.
I don't even know where Malta is.
It's close to Africa.
Come on. Shall I take this for you?
Do you have your boarding pass?
Come on, honey.
Welcome. Glad to have you on board.
You're in seats A and B.
We're in row 15, Mum. Come on.
Sigrid, are we not together?
- Where is Ditte's seat?
Why aren't we sitting together?
What are you looking at?
- Are you travelling on your own?
No, my mother and sister
are over there.
Where's your dad?
- He should've been here.
But he chose to stay home
and bang an accountant named Jonna.
My maths teacher's called Jonna.
I don't think it's her.
May I have some?
Not really. No, Dad!
Here.
- Thanks.
And please stop talking to my son.
- Okay, fine.
What is it now?
My dad thinks
you seem mentally unstable.
And what makes him an expert in
other people's mental health?
He's a psychologist.
It's really nice.
Where did you get it?
It was a present from my mum.
Can I try it?
- Yes, for a little while.
Dad?
- It's really cool, huh?
I have to pee.
- Not now. The plane's landing.
But then I'll pee in my pants.
- You'll have to wait. We're landing.
I can't. I'm peeing now.
Here it comes.
Here.
- Are you giving my son alcohol?
No, I'm giving him
something to pee in.
Will you please hold this?
- What? Yes.
Can I get a sip? I need a drink.
- No, no.
It's tepid.
I'll get you a drink at the hotel.
Why do you complicate everything?
- No, no, no, it's pee! Sorry.
Come to me and get your 'all
inclusive' bracelets. Here you go.
You ought to mention the humidity.
It's important to drink a lot.
I was planning on saying that.
Last year you said it in the bus.
I missed it this year.
You're doing a great job.
Dad, remember our suitcase. Dad?
All inclusive bracelets for you.
Lousy, crappy suitcases! I told you
not to buy this discount shit.
It wasn't me who bought it.
Did I count you?
- Twice.
It just says you're four travelling
together. I can't find Bent.
Bent Reinholt. Is he with you?
- No. Come on.
I don't understand. It says Lise,
Bent, Ditte and Sigrid Reinholt.
Bent is dead.
You're incredibly unprofessional.
518. Here it is.
- It's the last one.
Aren't you too hot in this?
- No.
How annoying.
- Do it slower.
Didn't you get another card as well?
- No, it is this one.
With a picture of a lady.
Are you sure?
- Slower, Sigrid.
I also got another card.
I'll just try the other one.
Oh, that was it.
Wow, what a nice room!
Just let me take it, Mum.
It's a lovely, big bed.
Oh my god, I am so hot.
No, no, not the mini bar!
It's just way too expensive.
Don't even touch them, or they
register it as if you drank it.
When were Lasse and I...
When were we in Rome?
I think it was in 2009, Mum?
You had the kids.
It was a terrible shock
when we got the check.
Dad must have really splashed out.
- Did Dad move out?
And you can walk on the cliffs.
- Answer me. Did Dad move out?
I think you're in there.
Let's go and look at your room.
Why aren't the two of us together?
- Come on. Let's have a look.
Mum...
Come on.
Hi.
- Not now. Mum's really upset.
Just come in, Ditte.
- Hi.
Mum, you're not alone.
- Yes, I am.
Remember you've got me,
Lasse and the kids.
And you've got... Ditte.
There, there, Mum.
Hi, Mum
- Aren't you too hot in those boots?
Are you okay, Mum?
- No, Mum isn't feeling too well.
Would you like to go to the bar?
- Now?
Yes.
- No, I don't really need anything.
It's just been a really long day
and I'm tired now, Ditte.
We'll see you tomorrow,
okay, Ditte?
Dad, could you come down here?
Why not?
This holiday was your idea.
Did she find out just yesterday?
Three weeks ago?
Are you talking with Dad?
Are you smoking?
- No, I'm not.
Why are you talking with Dad?
- How long have you known?
For two weeks and three days.
- Why the hell didn't you tell me?
Ditte, what would you have done
if you had known?
I would've helped you and supported
you and dropped by with pizzas.
You should've called me.
Can I get a cigarette?
Come and sit down.
Ditte, when Mum had her stroke,
we called you for three days.
It's five years ago and my batteries
were flat. I've told you before.
No, not that time. You were touring
with that rock hullabaloo band.
That rock hullabaloo band was
when you were giving birth.
Yes, and funnily enough you never
made it to any of my deliveries.
Funnily enough, I don't like looking
up your pussy when humans pop out.
Mum has been there every time
and she loves watching them pop out.
What's the issue here?
The issue is that you've signed out
from this family and it's fine.
Then we don't expect anything from
you and you can't disappoint us.
I didn't sign out from anything.
- What are my kids' names?
God, what a stupid question.
- What are their names?
You're being ridiculous.
What their names are?
Their names are...
Their names are...
It's Jonas.
Yes.
And the girl is called Laura.
The girl is called Laura.
- And... William.
What?
- William.
What did you say?
- William.
No.
Villy. Villads.
For fuck's sake,
it's Victor.
Victor, Victor, Victor. Laura,
Jonas, Victor. Laura, Jonas, Victor.
You have to be
the world's biggest egoist.
I'm bloody well not.
Stop hitting me!
Damn, you hit really hard.
What did you buy for Mum?
What do you mean?
- What did you buy for her birthday?
All kinds of stuff.
Can we share it, please?
- See you tomorrow.
No, we can't share it.
Buy your own present. Sweet dreams.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
Which animal would you like to be?
Which animal?
Are you okay?
Did the teddy bear molest you?
They won't let you in?
I think they're sleeping. Hello!
Let me in! It's Ditte!
Maybe they're dead.
Your dad's
not going swimming with you?
He's asleep.
He's been up all night.
Doing what?
- Crying.
Why?
- Because of my mum.
This is just...
Let me in!
Maybe they're having breakfast.
- Not without me.
And then there's this.
A war museum.
What?
- War. A war museum.
I see.
Dad would've loved that.
Well, he's not here.
You can swim with dolphins.
We tried it on Kos.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
I've always wanted to try it.
A historic tour.
A tour of the Knights Templar.
Do you remember
Dad talked about that?
A bus picks us up at the hotel
and drives us to the ruins...
Good morning, Mum.
- Hi. I'm glad you found us.
Were you in a coma? We knocked
on your door for fifteen minutes.
Happy birthday, Mum.
- But...
This is for you.
- You're kidding, right?
It's a travel gift
with all your favourite stuff.
It's all so nice.
This is so lovely.
- Yes, I bought it on the Internet.
There's some honey and...
This is good.
And what does it say?
"I was in Malta beach".
Isn't it lovely?
- Yes.
Did you get that on the Internet, too?
- I think it'll fit me.
It's beautiful.
- It's not today.
What?
- Mum's birthday is on Thursday.
90?
- No, I told them it was 60.
Never mind.
- I said sixty.
But I did say sixty.
Never mind. We'll just turn
it upside down. Zero sex.
My compliments.
- I think it's complimentary, right?
This is really nice, Ditte.
Do you have any more surprises?
Mum, why do we have to celebrate your
birthday on a particular day?
Can't we celebrate you today as well?
- Yes, that's fine.
It's fun.
- Yes!
So did you have
something special in mind?
Yes, Ditte, what did you plan?
Lots of stuff.
You should've checked the weather.
- Shut up, Sigrid.
No one's ever died from
a change of weather. What is it?
Lasse just sent some pictures
of Victor. He's so adorable.
Can I see?
What is he doing?
- It's willy time.
It's so fine.
- Isn't it sweet?
Come on, Mum.
- He's got the same eyes.
You're going on the water slide.
- What?
You're going on the water slide.
Yes, you are. I'll take this.
No one my age goes on those things.
- It's really fun. Just once.
My back hurts. I didn't sleep well.
- Don't do it if you don't want to.
If I go with you, we can have
just one ride. Should we do it?
Are you ready?
One, two...
- Three, let's go!
...three, let's go!
I was the first one down!
What?
Let go!
Where's Mum? Mum?
- Mum?
Mum?
Mum!
You have to let go!
- Help me.
I'm coming!
- Help me! I won't do this.
No, Sigrid, it's the wrong tube.
Jesus!
Mum, just let go,
you're almost down now.
No, I'm not.
Mum, give me your hand.
- No, Sigrid.
Give me your hand,
then I'll pull you.
No, I won't. I won't!
- Mum. Now.
Mum... Ditte, really!
Come here.
God, Ditte, that was so much fun!
Didn't you think it was fun?
Shouldn't we wait for Sigrid?
- She just wanted to call home.
I'm glad I got this.
Aren't you too hot in those boots?
- I'm fine.
You can borrow my flip flops.
I've got a pair I'm not using.
Are you okay, Mum?
Yes. It's just that...
...I imagined...
...I imagined
that I would grow old with Dad...
...that we'd die together.
First him, of course. Men don't
live that long. They're weaklings.
Did you know from the start
that Dad was the one?
With Dad it was love at first sight.
He was dancing with someone else,
a Swedish girl, I think.
And I just stepped in.
- You did?
Yes. I said:
"I think you should dance with me. "
It's an order.
- Yes.
And then we danced all night
and I knew he was the one.
He was a hottie?
We went down to the beach
and laid down in a deck chair.
And that's when we made Sigrid.
How funny. You've never told us.
- Well, you never asked.
I know, but...
Do you miss Dad?
Well, it hasn't always been easy,
your dad and me...
He's had some issues.
But I've always thought
we made a very good...
...team
or whatever you'd call it.
It's just that...
I need to be something for someone.
- Of course, Mum.
I'm not good at being alone.
- But you won't be alone, Mum.
It's so sweet of you to say so.
- No, I mean it. You're so lovely.
I think I look like a wrinkled apple.
No, you don't.
Tina Turner's still pulling men.
Yes, but Tina Turner
goes to more parties than I do.
Isn't Tina Turner dead?
No, as a matter of fact, she just got
married again. To a younger man.
Mum, you're getting a red nose.
- Sigrid, please don't.
Maybe it's not that red. What are you
talking about besides Tina Turner?
I'm just telling Mum how many men
she could pull if she bothered.
We go out tonight, have a few drinks,
dress up a bit. It's not that hard.
Why are you telling Mum such crap?
- What?
What are you talking about?
- That she can find a man.
She's a nice lady.
You're playing with her emotions.
She's fragile as it is.
Of course she can find a man.
She'll feel defeated
if she goes out tonight, -
- all dressed up,
thinking all the men will woo her -
- and nothing happens.
I just feel bad for her.
I do.
Hey!
- Full house.
She can't handle one more defeat.
- Open up your mouth.
I've become allergic to nuts!
It started after I gave birth.
I've always been allergic
to hazelnuts, -
- but then it evolved into pistachios,
sunflower seeds, -
- macadamia...
And I love macadamia nuts.
Do you have any siblings?
- No.
You're lucky. It's a living hell.
I have to go find
a man for my mother.
Can I come?
What does your dad say?
- He's sleeping.
Pull me up, Fido.
What about him?
What did he say?
Oliver, wait here.
Yes.
- Oh, you're Danish?
My mum has read that book.
She says it's bloody marvellous.
Well, it's, you know...
It's ten to five.
What a nice spot you've found here.
Are you and your wife hiding here?
My wife?
- Yes.
I don't have one of those.
But you're staying at the hotel?
- Yes, I'm right up there.
We should go for a drink.
- The two of us?
Yes, and my mum.
I'm travelling with my mum.
She's really fantastic,
so sweet and lovely and exciting.
Mogens!
Little darling,
come over here and meet...
Ditte. Hi.
- Ditte stays at our hotel.
I see...
Well, I've got to... Bye.
If you go near my man one more time,
I'll beat the shit out of you.
Aren't there any normal people
in this place?
Hi, Mum.
- Hi, Ditte.
What's that?
- Do you want one?
Now?
- Yes.
Thanks.
Look. She made that wedding cake
for her sister's wedding.
But she hasn't got hands.
- That's why it's so impressive.
Imagine doing that for your sister
when you've got no hands.
She must've gotten help with
the icing. Look how neat it is.
Cheers, Mum.
- Cheers, Ditte.
Mmm, it's good.
You look so great
with your hair like that.
You think so?
Maybe you're right.
- Can I give you a makeover?
You loved to do that as a child.
Hi, Sigrid.
- Hi. Please let me through.
Your ass is on fire.
- It's no joke. God, it hurts.
I think you've got a nice bum.
- Thanks.
It hardly shows
that you've had so many babies.
I didn't give birth
with my bum.
But three deliveries
take their toll on the body.
I think it's fine to have a body
that shows that you've given birth.
Mum's not good with cold colours.
- You don't have a clue.
Don't you think it's nice, Mum?
I think I look a bit pale.
It's not too dark for my pale skin?
- I think it looks good on you.
I would like a cold shower
before we go out.
What a shame
I forgot the potato flour.
Without you two in the room.
Yes.
- Thanks.
Can I just quickly...?
Cut it out.
We'd better go, Ditte.
- The red ass made her cranky.
I think she got angry
when I mentioned giving birth.
Do you think it's too much?
Not if you're a slut.
- What did you say?
Hot. I still feel hot
from the sun today.
Is that your own dress, Mum?
It doesn't cover much.
It's mine, and you're beautiful.
Just look at him.
- Raise your glass to him, Mum.
Don't you think it's for you?
Or for you, Sigrid?
Raise your glass, Mum.
- Mum, really...
He's coming.
- What?
I'm getting hot flashes.
I thought I was done with that.
It's polyester, Mum.
Your name's Lise.
I think he knows that.
What are you doing?
- Let's go out and smoke.
We are outside!
- Where are you going?
I don't understand the plan.
Don't breathe down her neck
while she's chatting with a man.
I'm just looking after her.
She's a grown-up, Sigrid.
You don't find it weird
that he's coming on to her?
How old do you think he is?
At least 15 years younger than her.
Maybe he's into older women.
- Or maybe he's a psychopath.
Or an organ thief.
- No.
Maybe he locked her in a cellar -
- and is cutting her up as we speak
and stealing her liver.
Don't you think an organ thief
would pick a younger women?
It's not funny. We don't know him.
Do you think
they've gone to that club?
Mum?
No, she's not dancing.
Hi, Mum.
You just disappeared.
Antonio really wanted
to bring me here.
Isn't he gorgeous?
- Yes.
Mum, how about we go home now?
It's getting late.
No, I'll stay.
I'll stay. Just go to your rooms.
I'll come later.
My ass, goddammit!
Don't you dare do that again!
Sigrid, take it easy.
He just wants to dance.
We'd like you to go with us.
- I'll join you later.
Go home with Sigrid.
See you!
Good night.
- Good night.
Do you want to come in?
- Yes.
I hope my children will see each
other more than we have done.
Do you love your children equally?
I love my children.
I really love them.
Of course, some of them are a bit
more annoying than others...
Mum has always preferred you.
- No.
No, that's not true.
Ditte, it's simply not true.
Ditte!
What a load of crap.
Maybe Mum and I are closer right now
because I live right next door, -
- but it's not true.
And you've always been Daddy's girl.
Is there any more gin?
This costs six euros.
- Whatever.
Have you never wanted to settle down?
Get started on an education,
a family, a life?
A life? You've got some nerve!
I have a life.
No, I mean... a real life.
A real life?
I'd rather die than have your life.
When was the last time you just let
go, didn't give a shit and got wasted?
Hi, Mum!
Did you have a nice evening?
I've had the most wonderful
evening with the most wonderful man -
- and I'll see him again tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
- Yes.
Why are you seeing him tomorrow?
I feel just like Tina Turner. I
haven't danced like this in 30 years.
Thank you so much
for a marvellous non-birthday.
You're welcome.
Did you do anything besides dancing?
Are you asking
if I slept with Antonio?
Because I don't really think
that it's any of your business.
But I haven't.
Not yet, anyway.
She'll never forgive me
if she finds out.
That you slept with him
or that you paid him to like her?
She wasn't supposed to fall for him.
He was just to
give her some confidence and...
...make her happy.
Do you think he loves her?
- No way.
But he'll definitely make her sad
and that's my fault.
I think he wants to sleep with her.
- No, no, no! Yuck!
He can forget about that.
It's not happening.
You can't control it.
Adults always do whatever they want.
So this is where you're hiding?
Ditte, what are you doing?
- I'm also going in the spa.
No. Go, Ditte!
Go, Ditte.
What are you thinking?
Use your brain.
Why...?
Put on some clothes.
Get out of here!
I'm sorry.
Do you have kids?
- Yes.
How many?
- Three.
Oh, my god!
This is Laura.
Laura's eight...
I'm sorry, but I really don't want to
look at more children.
It's funny how people
always think so. Good lord.
The whole world revolves around
those kids and it makes me sick.
Deliver me from people who think I
want to hear about their stupid brats.
I've got my own stupid brats.
You're a shrink, right?
Yes.
Can I ask you something?
- You're sitting on my sweater.
Oops.
- Thanks.
Would you die if you had my life?
Are you drunk?
And I can't be drunk
because I've got three children?
You're eating
the gnawed olive stones.
I've always done
what was expected of me.
I've looked after and nurtured,
picked up and brought -
- and baked and baked and baked!
Now she's met some bartender -
- and who gets the credit
for making her happy?
Ditte, of course. Of course.
I'm hearing you say
that you feel angry and hurt...
...because your younger sister...
...has brought some happiness
to your mother's life?
You can hear how it sounds,
can't you?
Good night.
Sigrid, what's going on?
Is it a stomach flu?
Are you drunk?
Yes, and I am drunk often,
as a matter of fact.
Come here.
Take two fingers...
Come on, two fingers.
Put two fingers down your throat
and tickle your uvula.
Can you feel it?
Stretch your fingers and tickle it.
Yes, that's good.
Do you see the toilet brush?
Look at the water in its container.
Imagine drinking that water right
now. Yes, that's good. Come on.
That's it.
Ditte, don't take it from the tap.
I'd like the water from the bottle.
Here you are.
- Thanks.
Thanks, Ditte.
- You're welcome.
You're just so sweet to me.
I feel so bad.
- I know.
Where have you been?
- I've been to the beach.
The waves were enormous, gigantic.
Several times
I thought I was going to drown.
But then he was there.
- Antonio? Yes.
And then he carried me all the way
through the sand to a deck chair.
Why did he carry you to a deck chair?
- I didn't dare walk on the sand.
It felt like there were crabs
all over, and it was pitch-dark.
What did he do?
- Wasn't it sweet of him?
Those Mediterranean men
know their business.
It's not just something they say.
Phew, I think I need a shower.
I've got sand in all my holes.
Sigrid, why are you lying around?
Yuck, it reeks of vomit in here.
I've never tried breaking in.
- It's something you have to try.
What are you looking for?
- The evidence.
Yuck!
That's you, right?
I'd better take it
so your mum doesn't find it.
Promise me you'll tear it up.
- Yes, of course.
So every time
he bought a cheese...
Did you have cheese labels
in the good old days?
So every time he bought a cheese
he'd steam the label off -
- and put it in a folder.
What?
Each time he bought a cheese,
he would steam the label off -
- and put it in this folder.
What was the name of the man from the
cheese shop in Virum? Remember that?
Wasn't it Dan Nielsen?
- Dan Nielsen? Cheese Man Dan!
Cheese Man Dan...
Didn't he die of birthmark cancer?
Yes, I think so. Something like that.
These are really pretty.
Don't you want to go to the pool?
No, I think I'll just...
They're crazy, these cheese labels.
Where's Mum?
- She's in the shower.
Wow, these colours are amazing.
- Mum, don't you want to...
What's happening?
What's up, Ditte?
- Mum splashed water on me.
Why?
- She was in the shower like this.
No.
- Yes.
It's not funny.
She was standing like this.
- It's not funny!
Sigrid, Sigrid, she was standing
like this. Look. She was...
I don't know what you're thinking,
but it's not true.
Did you think that just because
you get older you don't feel lust?
No.
It actually
only gets better with age.
Except for men. For them it's harder
and harder to get an erection, -
- when they get older -
- while women find it
easier and easier to get an orgasm.
Something really takes off down there
when you're 40. Right, Sigrid?
Mum,
I'm just not having this conversation!
It's just a shame for older women
that the mucous membrane dries out.
But then there's
this thing called Vagifem.
It's a vaginal suppository, -
- you stick it up your crack
and it's as good as new.
Is she done?
Mum's telling us about something
she sticks up her crack.
Sit still.
What? What?
You've got lice.
- Shit.
Shit!
Look. There's another one.
- You've got lice! That's disgusting.
Okay, I've got lice and Mum just
masturbated with the hand shower.
Take out that hair band.
I'll take some balsam.
Go and wash your fanny finger.
Lose that ponytail and come out.
God, that's a big chap.
Do you see it?
It's disgusting.
You always had lice as a girl.
- So did Ditte.
No, she didn't, actually.
It's funny when you think about it.
They ought to prefer Ditte's hair.
- Why should they prefer Ditte's hair?
Because her hair's so thick
it's easier for lice to hide.
Your hair is finer or...
...sort of sloppy.
But it's great
that you managed to get it so long.
I don't think there are any more.
I think we got them all.
Oh, it's that song...
I love that song.
Can't you turn it up, Ditte?
Come on, Ditte!
Come on, Ditte.
Sit down, sit down.
Tell him
I'll be out in five minutes.
What if Daddy Cool
becomes our bonus Dad one day?
That is not going to happen.
She can't fall in love with him.
Dad has been a dick to her for years.
Finally, a man treats her nicely.
No, he's not nice.
He's a total player.
Up until the arrival of Daddy Cool,
you couldn't care less about Mum.
But he's fucking
everything that moves.
So you've been there?
- As a matter of fact, yes.
No. Of course I haven't.
You had intercourse
with Mum's new boyfriend?
Have a good day...
- Bye bye.
It was before Mum
that I sort of happened to...
...happened to have intercourse
with Antonio.
Little Ditte Dick.
You and Mum...
- Sigrid!
You're eating from the same plate.
It's not funny, Sigrid.
You're sisters-in-holes!
I'm the only one of the three of us
he didn't feel like...?
He goes straight from you...
to her?
Would you have liked to bang him?
- No.
But he could have made a pass at me.
It's common decency.
You're not exactly radiating sex.
Hi.
- Hi.
Anders,
I need to borrow you for a bit.
You're honest,
and I appreciate that.
There's something I have to find out,
so I'll ask you a question.
I'm not at work.
- As a man! As a man.
As a man, would you pick me -
- or my sister Ditte or my mother?
I'm talking as a sex beast,
all macho.
I know you'd pick Ditte and that's
okay, she's always had loads of men.
But after Ditte,
would you pick me or my mum?
Would you really rather be with
a sixty-year-old than with this?
I can't do this.
I'm so sorry, it's all over now.
I've put on my robe again.
There, there.
Congratulations, Mum.
But it's not today.
I'm kidding. I had you going there.
Sixty years!
It's nothing special.
Just a little something.
A photo album.
- Laura has decorated it.
It's really beautiful.
I made it before the thing with Dad,
before he...
You mean before he died?
I'm just kidding.
There are lots from the water park.
- When did you go there?
Every summer
for the last eight years.
I'm not going there again.
- Why not?
Sigrid, it was so mucky.
- One piece of sausage wrapper.
Sausage wrapper?
No, it was sausages and human poos
floating about.
We're eating.
- What are the plans for today?
Antonio's cousin's got a boat,
so we're sailing to the Blue Lagoon.
The Blue Lagoon!
- Sounds great.
Well, you're not going.
- But it's your birthday.
But I want to spend
some time alone with Antonio.
But you're with him all the time.
I've just met him.
I'm not with him all the time.
I think
you spend a lot of time with him.
It's okay.
- We did celebrate me already.
But it wasn't your real birthday.
I can decide for myself
what I want to do on my birthday.
If Mum wants to be alone
with Antonio, that's fine.
We'll find something else to do.
I just think
you spend too much time with him.
I think she's jealous.
- Mum, really!
Of course I'm not jealous.
- No, I don't think so either.
Would you like to be with Antonio?
- No, Mum! Yuck!
But he's gorgeous.
Mum, I'm not at all
interested in him.
Never mind, it's just...
I would never ruin it for you.
- No, I'm just kidding with you.
I just think we should be together
on your birthday.
We are together.
And we can be together tonight.
Did you give a nude drawing
of yourself to my son?
Dad, it's not her.
- You're saying this isn't you?
No. No, it's not me.
- Dad, come on.
Look at what she's given to my son.
He's ten!
No, no, I don't know who that is.
Mum, don't look at it.
I just have to see it.
- No, Mum, please look at me.
Mum? It's not what you think it is.
That's not me.
Have you been naked with Antonio?
- I haven't been naked with Antonio.
I don't know
what he's talking about.
I'm just trying to be nice.
- I told you to rip it to pieces!
I don't know what he's talking about.
- I can see that it is you, Ditte.
Mum, no, no, no! Mum!
Mum?
Mum?
- Mum?
She's not here.
Have you seen our mum?
- Were you going on the tour?
Our mum went on that tour?
- Yes. The bus just left.
Where to?
I can book you on a tour tomorrow.
And there's...
Sigrid, give me some money.
- All right.
Come on.
More, more, more.
This is extortion.
What are you doing?
- I'm not talking to you any more.
Can I come?
- Go up to your dad, Oliver!
No, they drive in the left in Malta!
- Do I drive or do you?
We're not going the right way.
- What do you know?
Stop looking at me all the time.
I'm driving.
You've got to relax and let me drive.
Or else I'll have an accident.
- You're driving the wrong way.
What do you know?
You've never been to Malta.
Neither have you.
- You're absolutely right.
And I'm never coming back.
Not if you're going.
This is all wrong, Sigrid!
We've been driving for an hour.
No, Sigrid,
you're going the wrong way.
Respect the fact that
I am trying to focus on this.
I can't respect it
when we're going the wrong way!
Why must I always save you all?
- Nobody asked you to.
For once stop
trying to control things.
Then you take over. Let's see
how that goes. I'm so sick of you.
I hate you!
- I hate you more!
Stop it!
Are you okay, Sigrid?
I'm sorry.
- No, I'm sorry, Ditte.
Don't you worry about it.
Let me see. Does it hurt?
I'm fine.
What a mess.
What do you think
your dad will make of all this?
I don't think he'll notice I'm gone.
- Yes, of course he will.
He's just sad because of
the divorce, but he'll cheer up.
Actually, a lot of children
have divorced parents.
Our mum and dad
have just divorced.
They didn't get a divorce.
Then why is he crying?
Because she's dead.
Didn't you say they got a divorce?
- You never asked.
I'm sorry about that.
What happened?
She got cancer.
It happened so fast.
Suddenly she was gone.
And do you know what was
the last thing I said to her?
What did you say to her?
"I hate you. "
I told her I hated her because she
never came to Parents Day in school.
And then I went to bed.
In the morning, Dad couldn't wake her
and I couldn't either.
We just sat there by her bed
hoping she was asleep.
But she wasn't. And we knew it.
In the end I had to call grandmother.
Dad just couldn't.
Come here, little darling.
Why do we say
such stupid things to each other?
Because you forget to think.
But it doesn't matter.
And your mum knows
that you didn't mean it.
She does?
- Yes, she does.
Yes, she does.
Of course someone'll find us.
Malta's not that big.
Is it totally dead?
- Yes, it is.
I think
they'll need to amputate my arm.
They can take my foot
while they're at it.
You're so sweet.
- This was under the seat.
Water?
- Yes, please.
What is it? Is it medicine?
Sort of, yes.
I think it's coke.
Yes, coke.
Hash, skunk...
...and coke.
Codeine, benzos and LSD.
Who are you?
- I lived in Berlin for three years.
What have we here?
Oh, my god, it's heroin.
It is. She's crazy.
But I guess that this...
...and this...
...and half of this...
...can relieve the shoulder.
And the foot?
- Also the foot.
Can I have one?
- No.
No and no, okay?
Yes.
- Good.
Is it true
we become stars when we die?
Yes.
- Yes, of course we do.
What else?
How old are you, Oliver?
- Ten years old.
Ten years...
That's just the perfect age.
Ten years. Ten years.
He said they were...
Oliver. Oliver.
Ditte. Sigrid.
I'm so sorry, Dad.
- No, I'm sorry.
Come on up.
- Don't touch my arm.
How did you find us, Mum?
- It was Oliver who called.
You've got a phone on you, Oliver?
- Why didn't you say so?
Because I didn't want to go home.
- I'm so sorry, honey.
I love you.
What happened, Sigrid?
We had an accident
and my shoulder is hurting like mad.
Let me see.
- I think it's dislocated.
Does it hurt when I pull here?
Let me have a look.
You're a sissy. Come on!
Sigrid.
- What?
There isn't room for three!
- I'm sorry.
Well, it's your own fault. You should
have thought about it sooner.
Come here, Sigrid.
No, come on.
Come on.
No.
I think
you should talk with him.
I don't know if I can afford it.
How much does he charge by the hour?
I paid him to flirt with you for one
night. All the rest was on the house.
Why should he do that?
- Because he likes you.
He's crazy about you, Mum.
It's true.
No, it's not true.
Why can't this...?
Because you're so lovely.
Hold this, please.
I think it's willy time.
Mum?
The bus is leaving.
I'm coming.
I just have to say goodbye.
So you're not
taking him back to Denmark?
No, he lives here.
He has all his stuff here.
Yeah, but still...
Dad and I once bought a really good
cheese when we were in France.
A cheese?
It tasted absolutely marvellous
when we were on the beach.
I don't think we'd ever
tasted such a good cheese.
But then we bought one to take home.
And in our kitchen back home, -
- it didn't taste like
anything at all.
Then it was suddenly just a cheese.
Maybe some things
become magical -
- when you add something yourself.
Men and cheese?
Yes, men and cheese.