All My Friends Hate Me (2021) Movie Script

- Is George's wife called "fig"?
- Yeah.
"Fig"? What's her real name?
Well, I genuinely
can't remember.
What was your nickname again?
"Mongo"? "Rumpy"?
I'm ashamed to say...
It was "skippy".
I was kind of seen as the...
Captain of the party.
Oh, god!
...wanted to say
Only to realise
It never really was
She had a place
in his life...
Look, I feel like I should say
they're really not...
- Stereotypical posh people.
- Really?
They're cool, I promise.
And that's coming from
"the captain of the party".
Oh, god!
Text... from Claire.
Oh! Thank you.
'welcome back,
you fuckin' legend!'
for fuck's sake!
Who else is gonna be there?
Uh... yes. Just the old gang.
So... Archie, fig, and George.
And Claire.
Yeah! And Claire.
...seems to be
Is always better than nothing
And nothing at all
Keeps sending him somewhere
back in her long ago...
Hey, mate.
You all right?
- Stop fucking...
- Sorry, mate.
Sorry, mate. Sorry.
Come here!
Come back, you cunt!
Come back!
Fuck, fuck, fuck...
Fuck, fuck, fuck... fuck!
What the fuck?
Hello. Excuse me, sorry...
Um, I don't suppose you know
where cleeve hill manor is,
do you?
I do, yeah.
Could... sorry, and could you
tell me where it is?
I can, yeah.
Good one, you got me.
Sorry. Couldn't resist.
So, why do you need to know?
- Yes.
- Thought as much.
The old sat nav
let you down, then, eh?
- Surprise, surprise.
- Yeah.
- Long journey?
- Yah.
Sort of late for my own party,
actually. It's my birthday.
Yeah, you need to loop back
round, through the red gate,
bear left till you hit
the lamb pub,
then straight shot through
dawny, and it's on your left.
Big iron-fronted thing.
Yes, I remember.
Thank you very much.
Might come join you later!
Yeah, well,
I'll tell the others know!
- Cheers again. Thanks.
- Laters!
It's party time!
The skipper is here!
Wooh, wooh!
Back in a sec, mate!
All right?
Hope you guys have been having
a nice time?
What the fuck?
- Yeah, my thoughts exactly.
- Pete...
What are you doing here?
- Fuck off, Archie.
- No seriously, mate.
Oh, no!
George's invite...
- This is awful.
- What?
That was a joke, mate.
No, seriously, I mean,
why would George want somebody
else's birthday at his house?
Jokes, mate!
- Stop it!
- Oh, my god! Here he is!
Oh, hey!
- Hey, stranger!
- Hi, Claire bear.
Oh, my god, were you...
Were you waiting long?
No, no, just like...
Half an hour, hour and a half.
So good to see that you got here
in one piece!
You're looking trim, mate.
You look amazing.
Thanks. Thank you, thank you,
yeah, yeah. Well...
Yeah, I guess the Lebanese
food is...
Fucking disgusting?
No, just a lot of fibre
and pulses.
You have
a bit of a beard as well.
Looks great.
You all right?
Yeah, fine, yeah.
Look, sorry,
we thought you'd be ages
cos of the accident on the m5.
No. No, I just, uh...
Got lost and couldn't
get through to you guys.
Oh, shit.
Well, we left you a note...
- Where?
- Here you bell-end.
Where was that?
Found him!
No, seriously, Harry...
Harry, take it... take it back!
All right, all right.
I'll take it.
Arch, be careful.
Sorry, should probably introduce
myself to the birthday boy.
- All right, mate?
- Leader of the pack, huh?
I heard a lot about you.
Apparently, one of
the funniest guys on the planet.
Oh, come here, you big Fanny!
Birthday boy needs a hug...
And a stripper.
- And that's me!
- Oh...
Oh, yeah.
- Shh!
- Oh!
Hey, what's that? Fuckin' hell!
Yeah, you gave me a boner.
What? You got an erection?
- It's just... just my phone.
- He's got an erection!
None of that!
I'm not here for that, mate.
- Go and help Archie, Harry.
- I'm not here for that!
Stop molesting Pete, all right?
- Jeez!
- Oh, my god!
Who is that?
We found him down the pub.
He was challenging farmers
to rap battles.
You'll love him, he is classic.
A real local.
How is the portraiture, Claire?
You, got any new commissions?
Uh... yeah! Yeah, it's fine.
What does that mean?
I sometimes feel
that I don't really have
anything to say as an artist.
You know, I'm just...
Like, I'm just
a stupid posh girl
painting portraits
of other posh people.
You're being
really hard on yourself.
I mean, I'd love to see
any new stuff.
- Uh, rule number seven!
- What's that?
- Oh...
- Oh, it was "no talking shop".
Yeah! No, no, you really
should drink for that, Pete.
Right, got it. Understood.
"Oonderstood..." "oonderstood!"
Mate, are you speaking
in a northern accent?
All night
your accent's been northern.
Is this part
of your new 'edgy Pete'?
'Edgy Pete'? Sorry, guys,
am I speaking
in a northern accent right now?
Shut up, arch.
Just down your drink, Pete.
You did break a rule.
- Ok.
- Drink it, mate!
Down it, down it, down it...
Down it! Down it! Down it...!
- Pressure! Whoo!
- There's a lot... lot in there.
Yeah... oh...
Oh, come on.
- What's that?
- Gonna leave a bit in there.
A really funny thing happened
to me on the way up here.
Well, not really funny...
Quite funny.
- Yeah, when I was lost...
- Arch, check this out!
Messing about on country roads,
I got a bit lost
as you got from my texts...
Have a look.
for that bloody red gate!
Oh, my god, it won!
This guy told me to
put a bet on a horse, 84 to 1.
It's just come in
fucking second!
I'm up five hundred quid!
Bloody hell!
Why didn't you bet yourself?
Oh, I don't like to gamble.
It's a dirty habit.
It's, like, figuring out
the odds.
You know, I'm Devon's answer
to rain man!
Sorry, Pete,
you was telling a story?
Oh, yeah. Uh...
Well, it was just about me
on the way up here.
I was pretty f... I mean,
I was lost, basically,
completely and utterly,
and I was forced to interact
with this really strange man,
kind of a clich spooky
local type character. Um...
I wound down the window
and said,
"excuse me, do you know
the way to cleeve hill manor?",
to which he replied, "yerp!"
But then didn't tell me.
Just silence.
So I said, "well, could you
tell me where it is, please?",
to which he replied,
"yerp, I can."
So, I was just thinking,
"oh, god,"
gimme a break here, dude."
"I feel like I'm in a bad
horror film or something."
And then, as I drove off,
he shouted, "see ya later",
and I just thought, "Jesus
Christ, I really hope I don't."
Sorry, guys, this is Norman.
And Norman, this is Harry,
Archie, Claire.
You know fig, obviously.
- And this is Pete.
- All right?
I've filled the ice machine
in the cellar.
Thank you so much.
What you drinking?
Nah, you're all right.
I'll leave you
to your funny impressions.
No, that wasn't... that wasn't
an impression of you.
Now he's lying as well.
Oh, I switched the heating on
in the pool, too,
in case you wanted to brave it.
- Thanks, Norman.
- Thank you so much.
See you, then.
- Happy birthday.
- Oh, thanks.
You know what room
you're staying in, Pete?
I didn't want to presume.
The Rose room. So,
lovely double for you and Sonia.
But Harry is gonna be
on the sofa bed for tonight,
is that cool?
Long hot soak for your bones.
Nothing better.
Don't worry, I won't be long.
I'm mainly doing the upper lip.
Only place
I can seem to grow it.
So, how do you know
this lot, then?
Uh, we are friends
from university.
They're a cracking lot.
Fun though, innit?
No, being with your mates.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, it is.
How old are you lot?
Well, I'm thirty-one exactly.
Thirty-one, having fun.
How old do you think I am?
- Thirty-six?
- Forty!
Forty years old.
Thick at the base,
goes into a point,
slightly strangulated
in the middle.
- Excuse me?
- Your cock!
So it's true, then.
You are the shy one.
Fucking... what?
Fucking make an effort, mate.
- There he is...
- Hey!
- Smells so good.
- Got a drink?
- Um... I think I'm ok for now.
- Mate, come on!
You're having a little wicky
with me, mate.
- Hey.
- Oh, yep. Thank you.
- Don't tell pops.
- Absolutely not. Cheers!
- Cheers!
- Cheers, mate! Cheers!
Dude, it is, um... it is so nice
of you to do all this.
Weird thing to say. You're still
one of my best mates, Pete.
No, I just... I don't know.
Yeah, these last few years
have been so crazy,
and I feel bad
I haven't been back more.
Pete, you were always gonna do
something different.
Selfishly, I've missed you,
but... this refugee shit -
I'm fucking proud of you.
It sounds heavy.
Thanks, man, that means
so much coming from you.
No, you're actually
doing something good.
You know, making up
for your past crimes.
What do you mean, "past crimes"?
Well, no, I mean,
just being a reprobate.
Right. Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, I'm also doing it
cos I'm passionate about it.
Yeah. Of course.
Oh, man, Harry...
- He is a character.
- Yeah, he is ridiculous.
- Yeah. He's kind of...
- Fucking funny.
Yeah, it's weird, I, uh...
I almost feel, like...
Shy around him.
I don't know.
Yeah, I don't know. It's weird.
I mean, you didn't tell him
I was shy, did you?
What? No!
We told him you were great.
Yeah. Forget it.
So, tell me about you and Sonia!
All going well?
Oh, yes. Yeah, really well.
And actually, you're
the first person, of course,
- that I'm telling this to...
- Uh-oh.
But I'm thinking of proposing.
We're to France in June,
and it just feels like
the right time.
Oh, mate, that's awesome.
Yeah, well, I mean,
assuming she says yes.
Ooh, yeah.
God, that would be very awkward.
Maybe don't do it
at the top of the Eiffel Tower.
It's a long walk down.
Yeah, oh, and maybe,
you know, don't tell Claire.
Pete. Come on.
She's clearly
still a bit in love with you.
She might not take it well.
Yeah, of course.
Poor Claire.
Yeah, you should know, man,
she, uh...
She tried to kill herself.
- What?
- I mean...
She's always had a tendency
to be sad, but I just guess...
She was sadder than we all saw,
I suppose.
And when did she do it?
Uh... just before you left,
I think.
Look, don't freak out.
No, she's absolutely fine now.
Let's just keep
the weekend light, yeah?
Come on! Hey, to you and Sonia!
Do you guys remember
Jess Sanderson?
- Yes.
- Fuck me, she was so fit.
You were obsessed.
- Ever see her throw a javelin?
- What?
She could throw a javelin
so fucking far,
I used to go and watch her
do athletics.
I was such a fucking pervert,
and I just really loved the fact
that she could probably
bench-press me.
Pete, you banged her,
didn't you?
- Yes!
- Pete got with everyone.
He was the most player
of all our friends.
Well, I'm not surprised.
The way he sat there
holding that cocktail,
it's like we got James Bond sat
here in the room with us, innit?
Yeah, one of the kids
in the refugee camp said
I looked like Daniel Craig.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Some of those kids
were just so amazing.
- Mm.
- Cool, man.
So, have you told Sonia
about your sordid past?
Uh, yes, yes.
I've come clean about skippy.
Weird to think
that we even kissed.
I don't think we did.
Don't deny...
Yeah, second night
of fresher's week.
- I...
- George?
Is there something
I should know about?
- Sorry.
- No, honestly,
- I don't remember this at all.
- What? Now, come off it!
No girl can forget a night
of passion with double-o-seven.
Can they? Eh?
Oi, George, you got any guns?
- Yeah, fucking loads.
- Let's get Pete a gun!
Take a photo -
we'll send it in to Hollywood.
They haven't chosen
a new bond yet, have they?
Right, well, let's get a gun.
- Oh, no...!
- George stop him!
- Harry!
- Oh, god!
Wait, who was it that, um...
- Who was it that pulled plank?
- Oh, yes!
No, actually,
no one pulled plank,
but he did smooch a pooch.
- A dog! He kissed a dog!
- Yeah, that little pug!
Sorry? "Plank"?
Plank, yeah.
- Do you not remember?
- No.
Plank, as in the wild card.
He came round,
with the big wheel of cheese.
He was dressed
as a fucking wizard!
Yeah... vaguely.
Mate, you do remember
the wild card tradition, right?
When we'd bring a randommer
back to the house?
Yeah, I remember that.
I always thought it was
a bit cruel, to be honest.
You used to fucking love it!
Saved you, Pete!
They are hosting
a nervous Nelly!
I would have skyped more,
but we all had to share
this one computer in the camps.
And it was actually
pretty amazing,
we started with, like,
zero infrastructure...
So you're gonna propose
to Sonia?
- Who told you that?
- It's great.
Yeah, sorry, who told you that?
Is that...
I think your phone's buzzing.
- I'll, uh...
- Sure.
See ya.
'Hey! You having fun?'
yeah! Yeah, just, um...
It's a bit, um...
nah, it's just...
I guess I thought
that everyone would've grown up
a bit more.
Um... yeah, we're
in George's parents' house,
drinking George's dad's whisky.
I'm being mean. Just... I can't
wait for you to get here.
- 'Is everyone there?'
- Yeah, full house.
Plus some random guy
called Harry
that they picked up in the pub!
'Oh, my god.'
yeah, I'm sure he'll be gone
by the time you're here,
- but very funny.
- 'Weird.
'Listen, babe, this Internet
guy's really fucking us around.
'I'm gonna have to wait till
the afternoon to let him in.
'Sorry, I'll be a bit later.'
yeah, no problem. Love you.
'You too. I'm sorry. Love you.'
Mate! Are you fucking listening?
Yes! Sorry, Archie.
Um, so... I'm sorry, mate,
you're setting up an app?
It's not a fucking app! It's
crowdfunding for thrill seekers.
It's about
linking people together
who want to go on tailored
adventure holidays, you know,
but they need to go in a group
to make it
more financially viable.
So, let's say you want to go
chasing whales on jet skis
or some shit like that...
Yeah, arch, cos that
definitely sounds legal.
Don't invest, then, Claire.
You know, but most of your
friends are too pussy to do it,
so we team you up
with some saffa meatheads
who are up for a weendish time.
Um... it'd still be, like,
expensive, though, wouldn't it?
Well, I mean, you're not
saving money, are you?
You're just kind of linking
rich people with rich people.
Who are up for a weendish time.
I mean,
it's better that way, though.
At least you're not having
your holiday ruined
- by some random pez.
- "Pez"?
Pez! Peasant! Pezo!
Come on, mate.
Fucking hell, Archie!
What? Mate, you used to say
that shit all the time.
No, I fucking didn't.
Also, like... just have a little
bit of, you know, awareness.
- What? Harry?
- What's that?
He's worried
that you'd be offended
by me referring
to peasants as pezes.
Fucking hell, are you calling me
a peasant, are you, Pete?
- No.
- You sort of were, mate.
- Let's just move on.
- Oh!
His lordship wants us
to move on. Ok! Fair enough, ok!
Well, sir, I've left your potty
upstairs for you,
and I'll come upstairs
and wipe your bum-bum.
Actually do it!
Actually do it!
This calls for gear.
No, Archie!
No, not at the table.
- Pete, come on.
- No, thank you, Archie.
No, no, it's a good point,
Gotta save some energy
for the b-day boy.
Main event is tomorrow.
Big surprise for petie!
Yeah, well, in which case
I'd better... better get to bed.
- Get some sleep.
- Don't be a bell-end.
No, you're not... ok, ok!
Wait, wait...
I'm gonna do... yeah!
Ok, I just want to say, um...
Happy birthday, Pete!
I know it's been a while
since we've all been
under the same roof.
I mean, the last, what,
eight, nine years
has really gone by fast,
and it's just so nice that
it all still feels so natural.
Yeah, hear-hear.
And I just wanted to say,
you know after my, uh, blip...
It really made me realise
how lucky I am to have you guys.
Um, and I couldn't have got
through any of it without you.
So... all of you.
Uh, so, yeah,
happy birthday, Pete.
Ah! Happy birthday to Pete!
- Off to bed, too?
- Just getting some ciggies.
Right... sorry not to stay up.
Just wanted to save some energy
for tomorrow.
Listen, Pete.
Just so you know,
you're not doing too well.
This weekend so far...
I mean, you've been a bit crap,
haven't you?
Claiming that we pulled
in first year.
And then rubbing Claire's nose
in your supposed engagement.
- I didn't tell her that.
- Well, she knows.
And I mean... you're not
actually engaged, are you?
So, it's hardly news.
I just thought you should know.
It's not a good start.
What the fuck?
Oh, man!
- Are those my pills?
- Excuse me?
I said, are those my pills?
These are rennie's.
Do you want one?
- No.
- No?
Good night.
Good night.
What is that?
Did you hear that?
Hey, Claire, what... are you ok?
Can you hear that?
What is it?
I don't know, I think...
I think someone's let a dog
into the house.
I don't know.
Oh, my god. So funny.
Yeah. It must be trapped
or something.
You do know
that this is all your fault.
What is?
All right, Archie?
Did you pull an all-nighter?
Was it worth it?
What the fuck kind of question
is that?
Yeah, fair enough.
As you were.
- Morning, morning, morning.
- Hey!
Sleep well?
You slept very deeply,
it seemed.
Ah, never better.
That bed's lush.
- Thanking you, George.
- Ketchup?
No. Not with tomato.
God. This looks great, guys.
Oh, sorry, mate. Help yourself.
No, no, yeah.
'You're listening
to west coast classics today
'at 9:35.'
oh, yes.
I had such weird dreams
last night.
Really, um...
Really, like, nasty.
You did have
quite a lot of cheese.
No kidding!
Should've had a rennie.
Claire must be feeling it.
Is she still in bed?
She's gone.
What? Why?
Well, why do you think?
Probably cos you told her
about the engagement.
Sorry, I didn't
tell her anything!
- Harry, did you?
- Don't bring Harry into this.
Say what, sorry?
Well, telling Claire
about my engagement.
I mean, you did hear yesterday
in the kitchen, so...
I'm a little bit lost here,
Right, and why are you doing
that accent now?
What accent?
Also, I didn't say
you could borrow my hoodie.
Well, I'm not wearing
your hoodie, Pete.
Unless you shop at mo valley
- Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Pete! Stop it!
Right, fine.
Sorry. Sorry, Harry. Just, um...
I think I'm just tired
after a weird night.
Don't worry.
You're probably just paranoid
about everything
that happened yesterday.
No, he ain't.
You feel bad about Claire.
I didn't tell her, I promise.
And if you didn't,
then I don't know who did.
Pete, chill out!
She's probably fine, ok?
Just, you know... get stuck
into your breakfast, mate.
Fun day ahead.
Down on the fucking floor!
Cheer up, mate. It's not loaded.
Fucking hell, that's dangerous.
Mate, I could handle a gun
before I could read.
All right, yeah.
So last year, then?
Ha-ha, very funny.
Come on, everyone's waiting.
- Actually, Archie! Archie!
- Yes, mate?
- Sorry.
- What's up, mate?
- Harry.
- Yeah?
Look, I'm just going
to say this...
And I feel like I can with you.
Of course you can.
I feel like Harry is, like,
fucking with me...
- Or doesn't like me.
- Uh!
- Or...
- He's been a dick to you?
Well, have you not...
Yeah, well... yeah, kind of.
I mean, I don't know, I just
feel like he's got it in for me.
That's just what I'm feeling.
I mean, he hasn't said anything
bad about you, not to me anyway.
Ok. Also...
I think I recognise him.
- It's weird.
- Mate, I'm sure you don't.
Anyway, I'll keep an eye on him.
All right?
No one messes with my friend.
- Don't do that.
- Come here.
Oh, my god.
Fucking hell, you stink.
- Do I?
- Yeah.
Are you gonna bring this
on the walk?
Mate, I could handle a gun
before I could read.
You really should try
and get some sleep.
That was loaded, actually.
- Hurry up, mate.
- Yeah, coming, coming, coming.
- Come on, you bell-end.
- Yes, yes, yes...
Sorry, mate,
thought you were in...
Whoa! Whoops!
Fuck off, Archie.
Mate, come on. We're waiting.
- See you, mate!
- Oh, come on!
Are you serious?
No, don't close the door...
They done a runner on us,
have they?
- You got your car keys?
- No.
Let's just head
straight to the pub.
I know a shortcut.
We'll probably meet 'em there.
Tonight should be good,
shouldn't it?
Shame about Claire.
She's beautiful, though,
isn't she?
In a sort of tragic
"I might kill myself any moment"
sort of way.
Weird, though...
Well, you know, you go out
with someone at university,
and then you remain friends,
but you drift apart -
you don't see them
for five years.
Well, I have seen Claire, so...
Before I went abroad.
We hung out a bunch.
Oh, lovely.
Rekindling old flames, was it?
No! Sorry, that's
none of your business.
Say no more.
It's nice you care about her.
Watching over her...
Even when she's sleeping.
Right, so you were spying on me
last night?
No, just a joke.
You must be bricking it
she's out there
trying to top herself again.
Oi, sorry, what is this?
Like, why are you doing this?
Is this cos...
Did I wake you up
in your car yesterday?
A few miles back, I can't
remember where exactly, but...
Were you sleeping in a car...
And I woke you up?
Cos if you did, it's fine.
I don't care
that you sleep in a car...
Or that you treat your dog
like that.
Like what?
Well, horribly.
Pete, I don't have a dog.
Plus I love animals, so...
When even was this?
Yesterday afternoon!
What, when I was down
at the pub with your mates?
Yeah, sorry...
Let's just get to the pub.
All right.
So, you got
any fun uni stories, then?
What was that one
about that bloke -
what was his name? Plank?
Didn't know you knew about that.
Oh, the others told me.
Yeah, what was it he...
Turned up to a house-party
with a wheel of cheese?
That's hysterical.
apparently your memory's
a bit hazy on it, though...
Seems to me like you're never
in on the good jokes.
Right, that's enough! I don't
know what your problem is,
but these are my friends,
and this is my birthday,
and I want you to leave, please.
Fuck off!
I can find my own way
to the pub.
- Right!
- Yes.
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday, mate!
Happy birthday, mate.
They put me up to it.
Fucking hell!
- Bit much, guys.
- The axe was my idea!
No judgement
if you've shat yourself, mate.
Sorry, mate.
We had to go ahead to set up.
Hopefully, you'll forgive us.
Check this out...
This is taking pub lunch
to a new level,
we have rented
this whole place out!
My idea!
Fucking hell, this is awesome!
Party on! Wahey!
- Where's Claire?
- I told you, she's gone.
Yeah, don't dwell on it.
I'm sure she's fine. Come on.
Ah! Right! First round.
I feel it in my fingers
I feel it in my toes...
Yes, boy!
Love is all around me
And so the feeling grows
You know, I look back at myself
when I was at uni,
and I was just so insecure.
Those terrible guys I dated...
And in second year,
I met my George,
and he just...
He just knows who he is.
I mean, it's the most important
thing about a person, isn't it?
Uh, yeah.
That and a massive house.
Anyway, now I just don't
take shit from people.
- Go, fig!
- Yeah!
Life's too short
to care about anything!
You mean, like,
what certain people think...
No, I mean anything.
Anyway, I feel like
I just know who I am.
And I love myself.
I back myself -
in my life, in my marriage,
in my job, and...
And that's happiness.
Yes! Yes!
It's like when I, um...
I remember
when I saw this refugee kid,
just, like, understand something
for the first time...
Are you enjoying
your birthday party?
- Hell, yes.
- Yes?
Yes, I am, thank you so much
for everything.
I mean, it's just amazing.
You still don't know what
the surprise is yet, do you?
That wasn't the surprise?
Well, there is a house...
Oh...! It's another Harry thing.
- Maybe...
- What we talking about?
We're just talking about how
fig's after your money, mate.
Oh, yeah.
I should give Sonia a call, just
to let her know what I'm up to.
Yeah, yeah.
Tell her we'll pay for the cab.
Thank you.
You're not going anywhere
till you've done some of this.
Uh... no, Archie, I haven't done
any of that since uni.
Yeah, nor have I, mate,
but come on, it's your birthday.
Come on, then!
- Ok!
- Yes!
Well, they call
the rising sun...
What the fuck am I doing?
Fuck it!
I would be honoured
if you would be my best man.
What? Woah! Pete...
I don't know what to say.
Say yes!
I know we haven't seen
each other in ages...
Yeah, but I feel...
That that's fine,
because I feel like
we're those friends
who can not see each other
for ages
and then just, like,
pick up where we left off.
Do you feel like that?
Totally, yeah.
That means so much to me.
Thank you, man.
So, you're really happy
with Sonia, yeah?
Oh, yeah!
You see, the best thing
about fig for me is,
she makes me feel like myself.
You know, I don't have
to pretend to be anyone else.
Does Sonia make you feel like
Yeah, like a better version.
Like, I remember
when we were in the camp,
and just seeing this refugee kid
just understand something
for the first time,
just I was like...
Mate! What the fuck?
You fucking goon!
You rinsed
an entire bag of hoon!
That was the last bag!
It was supposed
to last us all night.
I barely touched it, Archie.
It was full
when I gave it to you.
- Explain that, you thief.
- It wasn't.
I spilt...
I spilt a bit earlier.
Sorry, I should've said.
Ok. It was an accident.
So... cool.
It doesn't fucking matter,
Sorry, mate.
No big deal.
Plenty of ket back at the house.
You owe me one.
- Fuck, that's a rabbit!
- Archie, wait!
Ow! Fucking hell!
Fucking clipped him.
If I see a crow,
I'm gonna splat it.
So, when's Sonia getting here,
Yeah, something
you want to tell us, mate?
She's not picking up her phone.
Hey, wait, wait, wait...
Save some ammo
for this afternoon.
- What's that?
- Huh?
Oh, Norman's organised a little
rough shoot for your birthday.
The one you was telling
the story about yesterday
- when he was stood behind you.
- Yeah, I know, I know.
Yeah, it's really, really
nice of him to do it, man.
Yeah, that is really... thing
is, I don't really shoot, mate.
- You've shot here once before.
- I don't think I did.
It's just a bit of fun, mate.
Get some lead in the air
before the gala night tonight.
Super relaxed, mate,
don't worry about it.
Afternoon, Norman.
Ready for action.
- Long lunch, mr George?
- Like father like son.
Ooh, I don't know. Your dad'd
still be in the pub, I reckon.
Is he all right to shoot?
Absolutely fine,
thank you, young man.
Person you should
probably worry about is me.
I... I don't shoot.
This is for you, isn't it?
Then enjoy yourself, lad.
That was really fun, actually.
Didn't hit a single bird.
Thank you so much,
Norman. I'm...
I am really sorry about that.
Never mind.
Was there talk
of another drive, or...?
Nah. The lads have all gone...
After that.
Thank you so much, Norman.
I, uh...
Didn't hit a single one,
but it was really fun.
Sorry, is there a problem?
Something like that takes a lot
of organisation from Norman,
so... and a lot of money.
So, to just not shoot anything,
you know, was... a real shame.
I got pretty close
to one of them.
Yeah, yeah. You wounded it.
Is that the car you thought
I was sleeping in?
Pete thought I was homeless.
So what if he was?
Would that be a problem?
For you guys maybe!
I'm the one who's been working
in a refugee camp, all right?
You keep making me out
to be the bad guy.
- Home, sweet home.
- Cheers, Georgie.
'Hi, it's Sonia.
Leave a message.'
hey, yeah... I don't know where
you are. I'm getting worried.
Like, what the hell is going on?
Gimme a call. I love you.
Seems that there's a bit of
a trend you scaring girls off.
Yeah, maybe I should leave, too.
If you leave you, won't get your
hands on this massive house.
Isn't that why you married me?
That was a joke, George.
- What was?
- Oh, look, guys!
- Claire's back! Claire's here!
- Hey!
Oh, Claire bear!
- Sorry, where have you been?
- I went for lunch with my aunt.
Wait, what...
- Pete, what's up?
- I-I don't know...
I don't know, I...
I don't know what's going on.
- Are you upset with me?
- No.
Ok, well everyone's saying
you're angry at me,
and they're all being
fucking mean.
And I don't know why,
and I think that Harry's trying
to turn everyone against me.
I'm sure I recognise him,
And, like, I just don't know
what's going on,
and I don't know
where Sonia is...
Oh, no, no...
Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete! Stop!
Reunions are like this... yeah?
Stressful and emotional,
and, you know, there's just
so much pressure to be...
The people we were back then,
but Pete...
Everybody loves you, petie.
You're just a bit anxious.
That's nothing new, right?
Plus maybe
you're slightly worried
about Sonia meeting us all
for the first time...
Meeting me.
But... you have nothing
to worry about, ok?
I'm actually looking forward
to meeting her.
We all are.
It's ok.
Look, um, Claire... thank you.
- Yeah.
- Um...
You know,
when we were hooking up
just before I met Sonia.
What, you...?
You haven't told her, have you?
I'm so sorry,
it just never came up.
I want her to like me,
so I'm not gonna walk up to her
and be like,
"oh, hey, by the way..."
Nobody knows except us.
Unless you've told people.
Well, I actually did...
I actually did tell Harry
on our walk.
- What?
- For fuck's sake!
I mean... why?
I don't really...
Pete! Someone here to see you!
Says she's your girlfriend,
but she's way too fit.
And... I mean,
I knew that Pete was posh,
but when it gets to that level,
I sort of need a translator
half the time.
She's quite something,
isn't she?
A very formidable woman.
Yeah, sorry, I got no idea
what you just said.
Ok, uh...
Do your impression of me.
Oh, yes, please do!
Pete, you really
don't suit that cigar.
Yeah, I know,
who are you right now, Pete?
I just think
I look fucking cool.
Well, you don't.
I know.
It was kind of a joke, Harry.
Mate, Sonia is fucking cool.
- Oh, thanks, mate.
- Yeah.
- Do you want another stogie?
- No, I'm ok, thank you.
Fine. More stoges for this guy.
Oh, my god, George just
showed me some of Claire's art,
and it is amazing.
Yeah, well,
they're beautiful, aren't they?
I think the colours
are almost like Chris ofili.
Who's Chris ofili?
A Nigerian-born British artist
who won the Turner prize
a few years back.
Fucking weendish tapestries.
- Did you know that, Pete?
- Yeah.
And he actually also paints
with elephant dung,
so, thanks
for the comparison, George.
It's my pleasure.
I didn't know
you were into him, Pete?
- I like art!
- Mm.
Oh, actually, Sonia, you should
really come here in February.
George's dad runs
these incredible exhibits
of really good modern art
for low-income
rural communities.
Oh, that sounds awesome.
Wow! I didn't know
you guys did that.
Oh, the kids gets so involved.
It's actually really rewarding.
- Yeah, it's lovely.
- Speaking of kids...
Who's this?
"Now then, now then...
- "Now then, now then!"
- Jesus, Archie!
- It's me, Jimmy savile!
- Yeah, we know.
It's ok, I can make that joke.
My Latin teacher
was a paedo, so...
Guys, I actually find that
really offensive.
Jimmy savile was from Leeds,
and that was clearly
a mancunian accent.
That was good.
Yeah, that was really good.
All right, mate?
Oh, hey. Hey, yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.
You sure? Cos you, um...
Were looking a bit crestfallen
back there.
Oh, I'm just
a bit embarrassed, I think.
Bit of a weird question,
but, um...
Do you think Sonia likes me?
Yeah. Definitely.
I was just worried that, um...
Jimmy savile thing
was bit of a clanger, you know?
No, I think she thought
it was funny. Everyone did.
Not exactly a belly laugh,
Mate, she likes you. Um...
- The thing about Sonia is...
- Ok, great.
Listen, the other thing
I wanted to say is that...
Yesterday Eve,
I was trying to tell you about
my business idea at dinner.
And I just felt like
you weren't really listening.
And then you...
You mocked it a bit,
and you picked it apart
in front of everyone.
- Mate, I am so sorry.
- No, it's fine.
I mean, it probably
is a fucking stupid idea.
I just feel quite worthless
lately, you know?
And I've been taking it out
on people.
I'm just a horrible toff!
Oh, Archie!
I mean, what am I doing?
You know?
I'm 31, mate!
It's getting a bit late
in the day, you know?
- Everyone feels lost sometimes.
- Really?
You know,
I'm seeing a therapist.
- You are?
- Yes.
That's good.
Yeah, we always hoped
you'd do that one day.
Well, I am, and, you know,
I get a bit anxious sometimes.
And it just really helps
to talk to someone.
Thanks for sharing, man.
Oh, Archie,
you still smell very bad.
So, um...
So are you doing better now?
Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm having, um...
I'm having a really good time
now, thanks.
This might not be the best
time to bring this up, then,
but, um...
I've been thinking about
what you said about Harry.
And I've actually been getting
a really weird vibe from him,
too, you know?
- Right!
- Yeah.
Has he been saying
things about me?
About me and Claire?
I mean... no, not exactly.
But something's off.
Like, he knows so much
about you, it's weird.
Have you seen him
writing in a book
after I'll say something
I've seen it.
And I'm worried about it.
Thanks, mate.
What the fuck?
You fucking snake.
Fucking prick!
- All right?
- Hello, peeping Tom.
Just grabbing me and Sonia
a beer if want one?
Yeah, no,
I think I'm all right, thanks.
And I wasn't peeping.
What was that?
You didn't hear that, did you?
- No, I didn't.
- Good.
What's up?
Scared I'd let it out?
- Let what out?
- Your big secret.
What the fuck does that mean?
About your engagement,
Don't worry,
your secret's safe with me.
Who the fuck do you think
you are? Huh?
I don't know, Pete.
Who do you think I am,
more to the point.
I don't know,
but I'm gonna find out.
And I know what you're doing,
trying to turn everyone against
me. I just don't know why yet.
Also, nice try
on the pills, mate.
What's that?
Trying to make me hallucinate?
Trying to make me freak out?
What are those?
'Herbal kalms'.
Camomile and nettle flavour.
Well, maybe you should take
one of them, Pete.
Oh, maybe I should have one,
should I? Yeah?
Well, how am I gonna have one
if they're all...
- You all right?
- Yeah.
- Stamped on?
- Right, listen, Pete...
I'm on to you, ok?
So watch your fucking back,
Why? What you gonna do?
I don't know,
I'm gonna tell everyone.
Tell everyone what?
That you're fucking mental.
And stay away from Sonia!
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Shall we go for a little walk?
- Harry was just...
- Come on.
- Oh... yep.
Are you all right?
You having a good day?
Uh... yeah. Are you all right?
Yeah, let's just pop
round the corner.
Why don't you just tell me
what's going on?
Ok, yeah, um...
All right, so, uh...
Like, this is a weird time
to do this,
but I need to tell you
and I don't want you to hear it
from someone else.
Uh... what?
Ok, basically...
Just before we met, before
we starting going out, I was...
I was hooking up with Claire.
I said that that hadn't happened
since uni,
and it did a bunch of times,
and it was nothing,
but I should have told you,
- and I'm really sorry.
- Pete, I don't understand...
There is nothing going on
with Claire. Ok?
But I get that
now that I'm saying it now,
it's like a thing...
- I'm fucking sorry.
- No, but... you did tell me.
- When?
- Um...
Ages ago.
When we started dating, I guess.
- What the fuck's wrong with me?
- Whoo...
Hey, come here.
Babe, please, please
try and relax.
So, Harry didn't say anything
to you, then? About me...
- We were just chatting. Pete?
- Yeah, ok. Right.
There is something wrong, right?
- I was going through his bag...
- Pete!
Yeah, I know.
I really hate Harry.
He's, he's...
He's a bit of a tit.
Yeah, he's a fucking clown,
and you haven't had
enough sleep.
He is ruining my birthday.
Come on. Let's get you to bed.
Let's put that little psycho
brain to bed, eh?
Little nap for the madman.
I'll tuck you in.
Sorry I didn't wake you.
You looked so adorable.
This is amazing.
Everyone's dressed as their
favourite memory of you!
What? That's so cool.
Ok, uh... so, uh...
Spicy wings challenge!
Yes, but you have
to take this shot.
- Thank you.
- Petie, petie... petie!
Oh, my god...
Eat, sleep, rave, repeat, baby?
My favourite t-shirt, yeah.
That was just left in my room...
Oh, my god...
This is fucking amazing!
Um, guys, this is...
This is incredible.
And yeah... well, I'll just keep
this really brief.
Thank you so much
and... to you guys!
And to Sonia, because she's
the new member of the gang.
Oh, I think that might be
Pete's surprise.
Ok, um... without further ado,
may I introduce...
Sorry I'm late -
I was doing charity work.
Anyone want to hear about
the refugees I've been saving?
What the fuck?
Oh, fake Pete,
do sit down, won't you?
Thank you very much,
although I don't think I will,
because it might hurt
the environment.
Dad had something similar
at his 60th.
It was opera singers
pretending to be waiters.
So, fake Pete,
have you had a nice birthday?
Oh, yes. Indeed I have.
But I have to say,
there haven't been enough girls
for me to shag.
Excuse me, how rude!
There've been two gorgeous girls
here this whole time.
Yes! How thoughtless, fake Pete!
Sorry, fig,
I'm not into posh girls.
I like 'em edgy
and from up north, like Sonia.
I wish I was northern, too.
Pete, have you got any questions
for yourself?
Um, are you the guy
from the shoot?
Come on, mate, play the game.
Fake Pete, describe
your character in three words.
with talking about charity.
- That's five words, mate.
- And anal.
And I've got a big secret
I haven't revealed...
Wow, guys,
this is a little bit weird.
Earlier today, I pretended
to know who Chris ofili was.
Yes! At least I admitted it.
Who wrote these lines for you?
Ok, fake Pete, fake Pete,
what is your biggest fear?
That no one really likes me,
and I abandon my friends,
and that I don't really have
a personality.
This is horrible, actually.
Yeah, mate. That's... too far.
Sorry. Must not have taken
me herbal pills...
Gettin' the fear.
- Ok, do me. Do me.
- "Do you"?
You would say that...
Claire is so in love with me.
No, she's not!
Ok, it's a joke, Pete!
He's not actually you.
Come on, do me, Pete.
Who am I? Woof-woof!
Ooh! Harry!
Is it Harry, or is it...
I could swear I recognise you
from somewhere.
In fact, I definitely know
who you are.
And it's making me freak out!
- Ruff-ruff!
- Come on,
let 'em in on the big secret.
Who am I, Pete? Woof-woof!
Come on! Woof-woof!
- Woof-woof, come on!
- Woof-woof!
Come on, who am I, Pete?
Pete, what's he talking about?
Who is he?
I'll tell her
if you don't, Pete.
- Come on!
- You know who it is!
- Woof-woof!
- Pete, who is he?
- Fucking hell, mate!
- Come on!
All right, I'll say!
I can't believe you're here.
Look, I was fucking fifteen
when this happened, ok?
I was a kid.
Just, like, a stupid dick!
Me and this other guy...
Would prank phone call
this girl.
I recognised her on your phone.
She lived at the end
of our street. Um...
And she was, like,
a little bit slow.
And she was really scared
of dogs.
And, uh,
we used to call her up...
And bark down the phone.
And we thought it was funny.
But one day she suffocated
herself with a plastic bag...
In her parents' bathroom.
We were questioned
by the police,
but, you know,
what could they do really?
No one blamed us.
Except for her brother.
He used to come round my house,
and I'd just...
Run upstairs.
Let my parents deal with it.
I was such a coward.
I'm so sorry.
Don't be.
Cos that's not me, mate.
Who are you, then?
I'm plank!
Plank? The wizard guy from uni?
That was sort of
the surprise, mate.
The lads looked me up
on Facebook.
Told me to come down
to surprise you.
You know, remind you
of the good old days.
No, sorry, I don't understand.
What was all the barking, then?
Well, cos you made me kiss that
dog that night, do you remember?
Then I made you kiss it back,
which you did.
Thought I'd just
wind you up about it, you sicko.
Why are you wearing
a plastic bag on your head?
Well, cos you hoovered up that
bag of coke before, didn't you?
That's my favourite memory
of you.
No, I didn't, actually!
And all that dog stuff
is bullshit.
I would never make
anyone do that.
Look, this is...
This is her. That's...
I just didn't recognise her
on your phone
because she's younger
in this photo.
Hang on, that's my kid.
What have you got a picture
of my kid on your phone for?
Fuck off! That...
Look, he's clearly
turning you guys against me, ok?
He is the one that told Claire
I was gonna propose to Sonia!
You're gonna propose?
Oh, for fuck's sake, Pete!
No, I mean...
Look, you don't have
to say anything.
- Let's talk about it later.
- Yeah, of course.
Claire, sorry...
Look, did Harry... did Harry
tell you about my engagement?
No, Pete. I just guessed.
You seemed happy.
Why would you be worried
if Claire knew?
Look, guys,
he fucking tried to spike me.
Ok? He swapped around my pills.
- What pills are those?
- Oh, 'herbal kalms'.
Um... actually,
that was me, dude.
I slipped a pinger
in one of the things.
Thought it'd be jokes
cos they're the same size.
If you're not gonna use it,
can I have it back, please?
I stamped on them.
Wait, so... so, you haven't been
taking your pills?
Oh, Pete...
They're herbal kalms,
for fuck's sake!
So, like, what's going on?
Why are you being
so fucking mean?
What's fake Pete about?
What's the message there?
That I'm a phoney?
Just a joke, mate.
Bit of a roast.
There is no conspiracy here,
The whole world
doesn't revolve around you
just because you've done
some charity work.
And have you asked me once
what I've been up to?
What George is doing?
Do you even know what we do?
Yeah, of course I do!
You work in finance!
Babe, they do corporate law,
but no one's being mean
to you, ok?
Take it from me.
Oh, my god,
so now you're in on it.
In on what?
Look, I fucking swear, it's
Harry or plank... or whatever.
I just wanted to have a nice
time with you this weekend,
- and he's ruined it.
- Pete, it...
It's not plank.
It's not us.
It's you, mate.
You've changed.
Old Pete would have loved
all this.
I'm still old Pete!
I'm still skippy!
Yeah, um...
Who is this skippy,
by the way? Is it you?
Yeah, I was confused
when you mentioned that earlier.
Skippy is what you used
to call me, right?
As in "the skipper"...
Cos I was captain of the party.
- Oh, my...
- Oh, dear.
Bond's havin' a breakdown.
Someone give him
a dog to cuddle!
Oh, fucking shut up,
you fucking pikey cunt!
Uh, I'm so hung over.
Listen, Sonia, about
the whole engagement thing...
I guess you, um...
Given everything that happened,
and all the stuff I said...
I would totally understand
if you didn't want to marry me,
or go out anymore.
- I mean, would you?
- No.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Fucking hell,
I called someone a 'pikey'.
Not the worst thing
you've done, though.
Pete, I'm joking.
Of course I'll marry you.
What... what do you mean?
Yeah, I'll marry you.
- You're not joking?
- No.
That's great!
That's great.
You know the problem with you,
don't you?
You can't take a fucking joke.