Alone/Together (2019) Movie Script
[Gophers chirping]
[Fire crackling]
[Rock music begins]
Hello fellow students. Haha
For the first time ever, I'm your host, Greg Young, for the school radio
Unfortunately the last host is in the slammer after that weird incident with... Uh...
The Stabbing
But I'd just like to take this opprotunity to welcome all of my fellow freshman
as we begin our careers at this wonderful university
Ah. And now, time for your morning jams
[Rock music intensifies]
[Soft piano music]
What did you say?
I think it's best if I leave now
Don't you?
No, no, no. Before that you said something about leaving, what was it?
Goodbye, Will
No, that wasn't it
She broke up with me
I know
Your girlfriend, Calamity, broke up with you last week
I heard you the first hundred times
Can we talk about me now?
She broke up with me...
My date with Suzy went perfectly dreadful, thank you for asking
I just don't know what went wrong
Me neither, she wouldn't put out at all
What?
Oh... I'm... I'm sorry, Izzy. How did your date go with...
What was her name? Sally?
It went great, thanks
What's on this sandwich?
[Izzy] Hot sauce
And that's not a sandwich, that's a cookie
You OK, Will?
Yeah, I'm fine...
Gimme that!
Didn't Calamity give this to you last year?
No
Listen. As your best friend and your roomate, I've got to level with you
You're seriously starting to bum me out
Remeber the date I brought over the other night, Jennifer?
Yeah
Well, she spent almost the entire time comforting you and not making out with me
She was sweet
Yeah, but so bad in bed
You're missing the point
I am?
Yes!
You have to get over Calamity, man. It's been a whole month!
We've been dating since freshman year of highschool
How do you expect me to get over four years just like that?
I used to suck dick freshman year
You grow out of these things!
It's not the same thing
I've got an idea
Follow me
Leave it!
I said, leave it!
It was an anniversary present, come on
From Calamity! Exactly!
That's why you can't have it
It's toxic for you
It's like a hot iron around your neck
burning the idea that you might get back together with her into your mind
Yeah, but we might get back together
See!
Wait
Is that my... Is that my phone?
How did you get that?
Honey, pickpocketing you is like taking guns from a liberal
Have you heard of Tinder?
Yeah
Well that's exactly what you need
Someone to help you get over Calamity
I don't know...
Come on! It'll be great
Ok, we just have to update your account...
Wait, you... already installed it on my phone?
Yeah...
It's easier to get the straight ones if I pretend to be a guy at first
Wait, you... you pretended to be me?
How often do you have my phone?
I'm your roomate, not a saint
Here! Profile picture!
Hey!
Youch... Maybe not that one...
OK, here
Eh, OK
Uh... Describe yourself
I'm lost
My life has no purpose
She left me and now I have nothing left
I'm just a loose collection of
Punk-emo song lyrics and a future in alcoholism
Working at a dead-end job until and inevitably early death...
How about
"six-four"
OK, and?
Oh, that's it
I'm not even that tall
[ding] Hey, you've already got a match
Yeah, but isn't she dating that guy from Alpha Alpha Alpha?
[Frat Dudes in distance] Alpha! Alpha! Alpha!
Maybe, but trust me she gets around and boy can that girl...
Yeah... Yeah... That's enough...
Thanks
Enough?
Come on, you can't give up yet!
What about...
Cheryl Thomas! She has a dog, that's an instant turn on right?
Nah, her nose is too big
That's like the hundredth time you've said that!
Not all their noses can be too big
I'm sorry, but I'm not just going to give up on Calamity
I still love her
She might still come around
Give me that!
I'm going to put this right here, under the skull of Andrew Jackson
And you better not touch it
You remeber what happened last time someone touched my prized skull
You made out with them?
No! After that
You had sex with them?
Before that!
I think I'm lost
I gave her a black eye, Will.
A black eye
Calamity has such pretty eyes
Ugh, you need to get over her!
I have an idea
You know the yearly bonfire put on by Alpha Alpha Alpha?
[Frat Dudes in backyard] Alpha! Alpha! Alpha! Alpha! Alpha! Alpha!
Stay the hell out of our yard!
It'd be perfect
You could throw the necklace into the bonfire and be done with it
It's metaphorical or something
You like that kind of shit, right?
I don't know, that doesn't sound like a very good idea
At least think about it, OK?
[Will] Nope
So you're not stalking Calamity?
Nope
Really? Because it looks
like you're using my spy-ear to listen in on her conversation
Why do you even have this thing?
That's besides the point
Anyway, have you given any more thought to the whole bonfire thing?
Shh, shh, she's talking
[Izzy trailing off] I just think it would be really good for....
Uh, huh
Uh, huh
So where is this bonfire thing anyway?
Huh
Ok, yeah. I'll... I'll see you there
[Snapping] [Izzy] Are you even listening to me?
Yeah, um...
Yeah
I think your bonfire thing is a really good idea
Really? Because just a minute ago you said...
Yeah, yeah, I know. I wasn't thinking clearly
I think it'd be a really go idea for me to go and... uh...
Burn the necklace?
Burn the neckalce! What are you talking about? I mean...
Yeah, yeah, uh
I think that's a really good idea. I'm glad we're on the same page now
Me too, I think it's really good that you're going to go
There's no way you're going
I've asked everyone I know
These Alpha Alpha Alpha...
[Frat Dudes in distance] Alpha! Alpha! Alpha!
These... Triple-A events are really exclusive
If you don't get an invitation there's no way you can go
All my contacts in the fraternity are...
Angry at me to sya the least
There's got to be someway to get them to notice me
That's it, I've got an idea
Alpha Alpha Alpha...
Alpha! Alpha! Alpha!
Don't you have anything better to do?
Anyway, the fraternity is putting on a talent show
If you win, they have to invite you
Izzy...
You know I can't perform in front of an audience
Not since...
The incident
You know you have to
You're right
[music intensifies] But this may be the hardest thing I've ever had to do
You know?
It wasn't that bad
Not at all. You really surprised me
I didn't think you could give such a touching rendition of "My Heart Will Go On"
Yeah
Hey... Uh...
[Will] Uh Will
Whatever
I just wanted to let you know that... Uh... Those weren't tears during your song
I...I had something in my eye
Well, I'm glad you liked it
Can I go to the bonfire?
Do you have any idea what you're asking?
Our holy order does not take kindly to outsiders like you
Come on man, there's something I can do
You live with that Izzy chick, right?
Yeah
I want to teach her a lesson
I want you to steal her skull
Her skull?
The skull of the Andrew Jackson that has been passed down in her family for generations
Why? What did she do to you?
I'd uh... Rather not talk about it
That is literally the one thing in this world that she cares about
She brags about it to everyone
What could possibly justify me stealing it?
She uh...
She slept with my girlfriend
[Will] What?
She slept with my girlfriend
God... She'd hate me
Well if you want to go to the bonfire, that's what you've got to do
Fine, fine, I'll do it
OK
And you better bring it
Or else
Well? How'd it go?
I'm in
[Piano music begins]
[Izzy] What are you doing?
Uh... Nothing
You're stealing my skull
Yeah
Frat dude said I couldn't come to the bonfire unless I stole your skull
Something about wanting revenge for you sleeping with his girlfriend
Oh yeah...
But... This is serious
You, my only confidant
Are stealing my skull
My family heirloom, the skull of Andrew Jackson
The only thing in this world that I care about
[Izzy] Take it
What?
You need to get over Calamity and if this is going to help you do that, then
Take it
But you owe me
and you know that is not something that I take lightly
[Izzy] It's just a stupid piece of platsic anyway
[Intense piano music begins]
[Fire crackling and people chattering in the background]
[Greg over the radio] Hello! I'm your host, Greg Young
And I don't know about you, but
I am getting excited
Halloween is just around the corner and in celebration
Joshua Andrews is throwing a Halloween party and all are invited
Maybe I should throw a party sometime
In recent news
Dr. Stanford is making a slow but steady recovery from her unfortunate stab wound earlier this year
Keep her in your hearts as we play something a bit more relaxing for her
This one's for you
[Will] Come on out here, Calamity!
Come on out
What?
Are you scared of me?
Why don't you send your new boyfriend on out here?
Huh?
I can take him
Why won't those break?
[Izzy] Will, get in
Izzy? Is that you?
Hey!
Come on! Throw some bottles with me, it's Calamity's house
Do you know what time it is?
Time for revenge
No. It's about 5 am on a wednesday
[Izzy] You frantically texted me, telling me to come help
Burn this bitch to the ground
You see there was a change in plans
I couldn't find a lighter
That's probably for the best, your breath smells flammable
Did you drink all of those?
Well, you see
I can drink a lot of beer over the course of two weeks
But yes, I did drink all of that last night
Who gets drunk off beer?
I'm allowed a vice or two
Or twenty
Hey, I am over Calamity, fire rain down upon her
What else do you want me to do?
I don't know! Maybe not commit attempted property damage
[Izzy] And I may have some bad news for you
This is isn't Calamity's house
It's not Calamity's house? What are you...
Shit
Sorry about that, ma'am. Just got to get him back to the mental institution
Isabelle?
That's my name. Do I know you?
It's Lily
From high school?
How could you not remember me?
[Lily] Huh
You know...
You meant more to me than any other person
I'm glad to know those feeling were reciprocated
Uh... I'm... I'm sorry
Screw you
You know?
All things considered
That could have gone worse
[Will] Let's get out of here
Yeah
[Intense music begins]
[Dull thud]
[Dull thud]
I swear, Will. Throw one more and we are going to find out which is gonna break first
This bottle or your head
Sorry about that Izzy. It's just
It's the only thing I've found that will get you out of that walking coma you've been in since this morning
Well, what do you want then?
I was just wondering, could you like
Set me up on a blind date with someone you know or something?
I'm not sure I know any blind girls
Ha ha. That's very funny, but I'm serious
I'm moving past Calamity
Strike her with lighting
And I'm ready to put myself back out there
I'm not cupid. Why don't you just use Tinder?
[Sigh]
Nobody mayched with me...
Well, I can't do magic, Will
I don't need magic I'm just a little out of practice
You're just gonna have to get a girl to fall for you the old fashioned way
[Both snicker]
Ok, fine, fine
The girl I'm going on a date with tomorrow has a straight sister
I don't know if she's single, but I can ask if she's interested in going on a double date
How's that?
That'd be great, but I thought you said your date was tonight?
[Softly] Shit
Are you sure she's not blind?
Izzy, we're here
[Sigh]
Don't you dare!
Worked, didn't it?
Come on, let's go. We're already late
I just... don't know what the problem is. I'm just so nervous
It's understandable
This is my first date with someone new in four years
I'm more nervous than I've ever been
Well of course you're nervous, but this is me we're talking about
The poets write epics about my conquests. I don't just get nervous
Maybe you're becoming more like a normal human
Just don't mess this up for me, OK?
[Will] You haven't even told me anything about these girls
What's to tell, they're eligible and cute
At least give me something... Like a name
Whitney and Brittany! Now let's go, we're gonna be late
I just said that
[Whitney] And that's when I said
At how acrobatic your mother is
[Awkward laughter]
[Will's deafening lonliness embodied by a laugh]
[Brittany] Anyway, I feel like we've been doing all the talking
Why don't you tell us a little about yourself?
Um... Can I have just a second, with my friend?
Um... S...Sure
Sorry
Will, this is important
What? What is it?
Which one is Whitney and which one is Brittany?
Brittany's the one that...
No, Whitney's wearing...
Oh god...
You can't remember either?
Well, what are we gonna do?
Maybe they don't know our names?
Is everything alright, Izzy?
Oh, you know my name
So... What are you... What are you studying?
What am I studying?
I am... Studying... Names!
And I... Definitely know yours
I... I never forget people...
Ever
Huh...
So... Haha... What are you studying, Will?
I'm actually really glad you asked that, because it is really interesting
[It wasn't] So I study a very particular area of history that studies...
[Eerie music]
Excuse me
[Whitney, I think?] What's this bitch's problem?
Sorry about that
[Intense piano music]
Izzy, what's going on with you?
Is it that girl from this morning?
The one whose name you couldn't remember?
I just... I don't get it. What is wrong with me?
How can I affect someone that much and not even remeber them?
I meant the world to her, and I couldn't even remember her name
[Sigh] I have been with a lot of women
Are all of them out there right now just hating me?
Is that the price I have to pay to just have a little bit of fun?
Why? I...
It's not like I lie to them
They should understand that it's just... Casual
What's so wrong with that?
Izzy... I...
I don't know what to say
[Sigh] Well
I totally ruined tonight for you so
I'll talk to her and I'll get you a proper date
[Will] Izzy
And I'll learn her damn name
You know?
I've got an idea
It's nothing revolutionary, but...
You know that Halloween party that's this weekend?
I feel like it would be really good for you to go and you know...
Unwind, forget your problems
[Sigh] You're right, it can't hurt
[Party music begins]
[Sounds of people chatting and having a good time]
You seem to pretty to be a wall-flower
Come dance with me
[Music fades out as the fountain grows louder]
It's weird seeing you without your hat
No! I like it
Aw... Thanks
This is actually kind of cute
I'm glad you think so. My roomate thought I was crazy
I like it
I haven't been to a library in so long
I can't believe I've been missing out on such classics as
What to say when you talk to yourself
Thank you very much [Both laugh]
Are you ok?
Have you ever... Hurt someone
And felt like there was nothing you could do about it?
Like... Maybe if they just felt how you felt, or saw what you saw
It would be alright, but
They don't. And it isn't
I have, yeah
I just... I don't know what I'm doing wrong
I'm not a bad person, I just...
Do what I do and people get hurt
It's not your fault
You don't control people's feelings
You don't make them care for you
They make that decision all on their own
The only thing you can do
Is just
Be yourself
And know that one day
That'll be enough
I had a great time tonight, Will
Give me a call some time
[Magical lesbian music begins]
Izzy is that you?
Remember when you said you owed me for the skull thing?
Yeah?
[Magical lesbian music intensifies]
[Birds chirping]
[Greg over radio] Hello!
And this is a special broadcast from me, your host, Greg Young
I would just like to invite everyone to a house party I will be throwing
in two weeks time.
There will be plenty of pizza and beer
so stop by and have some fun
[pen clicks, paper crumples]
[Greg on radio] Also, the student board would like me to remind everyone
that stabbing your professors willl not excuse you from midterms
and that Dr. Stanford is expected to make a full recovery
from her second set of stabbing wounds
[paper crumples]
[Greg on radio] Thank you, and have a marvelous day
What is this?
What is what?
This monstrosity that you've cursed our table with.
Ohhh, that.
That's just something I picked up from the thrift store the over day.
Table felt like... Just felt like it needed something.
Yeah, you know what? You're right.
It does need something.
I know exactly what it needs.
But since that is lost in the forest somewhere
among the embers of a certain bonfire
I just really don't think that this
belongs here
[scoffs] That's really rich
You trying to tell me what does and doesn't belong here
Because I can think of a really good example
of something you brought home recently that doesn't belong
What?
Will, can I have a word with you in the kitchen please?
[Izzy sighs] Will, I...
[Izzy sighs again]
I have just been having
a really tough couple of weeks
and... I'm not saying that Calamity is the answer to all my problems
but... she... makes me feel good
I... really need somebody like her right now
No offense
I just need someone more than a friend right now
Things just... Aren't the way they used to be
Things that used to make sense to me... Just don't anymore
I feel so...
unsure of myself
But this... This makes sense to me
One of Calamity's famous notes
Are you even listening to me?
[mockingly] I cooked something for dinner tonight
[disgusted] Love, Calamity
Can you not read those? They're private
Why doesn't she just text like a normal person?
Will, listen
I've known you for years. Your friendship is really important to me
but this relationship is important to me, too
And I just need to know that you can handle it
Okay, look. It's just...
it's really weird. My best friend and my ex-girlfriend...
like, together? Dating?
Like, I... I just need some time, okay?
So you're not gonna be a dick about this?
When have I ever been a dick?
Okay, fair enough... But... [Will sighs]
I'll be okay, alright?
Will!
Will, wait up
What?
Slow down!
I have to get to class.
You don't have another class today
Don't you just have to wait for me to drive you home?
What's wrong?
[Will sighs] Nothing's wrong
Is it because Calamity was in class with us?
We were just holding hands!
Well that was some pretty damn sensual hand holding!
Sensual?? What are you even talking about?
You said you'd be okay with this!
Well... Look, you're doing it again! Get a room.
You are impossible.
Izzy...
Impossible? This is not about you and Calamity
Will... Maybe this isn't the best time
No. You know what? I think this is a great time
What is it about then?
It's about the... It's about the...
That's what I thought.
Why can't you just get over yourself and be happy for me?
Should I leave?
[Will] Yes!
[Izzy] No!
It's fine. I'll just catch you later, okay?
Let's just hang. You and me.
Will's just being rude right now
Me rude? I am not the one who betrayed my best friend
Please... I can just come by later...
No, we are figuring this out right now
Will, wait
What do you two want?
Really, I should just go
Will, I did not betray you. You said you were over her
Look, I'm trying
You said you were over her!
Well maybe I lied, okay??
Look. You kept telling me that I needed to get over her, and I am trying my hardest
but my feelings for her aren't just going to go away overnight
and it doesn't get any easier if she's around here all the time
Well... That's... Just the way it has to be right now
Look... I want to feel happy for you
but it's just... Calamity, you know what I'm trying to say, right?
Shit.
[bittersweet piano music begins]
[Izzy sighs]
Izzy?
[Will sighs]
[magical lesbian music begins]
[fountain bubbling]
Calamity.
Calamity... I'm...
so sorry about that
I don't know what came over him
Calamity...
My parents made me enroll here.
What?
[bittersweet piano music plays]
I wanted to go to USC
[water splashes]
But... they said I'd never get in
So... They sent me here
Calamity... What are you talking about?
I don't think I can be the person that you want me to be
What do you mean, who you want me to be?
I heard you talking to Will in the kitchen this morning...
and I'm so afraid that I--
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry about Will
I know he hasn't warmed back up to you yet... But, he will
He just... Needs time
Izzy...
You said yourself that you can't control sombody else's feelings
It's not your fault that Will's mad at you
You are... amazing
And Will knew that at one point
and now I do
You mean so much to me, Calamity
I just... Don't want Will to get in the way of that
He isn't
I'm glad
I... I've gotta go
We're still having dinner together later, right?
I... I think so. Yeah
[cars come and go]
[phone rings]
[Izzy's voicemail begins] Hey bitch, leave a message
Hey Izzy, it's Will...
Um... I'm sure you didn't forget, but I'm waiting at our normal pick up spot
Uh... If you could please hurry... It's getting pretty cold
Uh, give me a call whenever you get this, I guess
[voicemail beeps] Hey bitch, leave a message
Hey Izzy. I'm sure you didn't forget me... C'mon
[voicemail beeps] Hey bitch, leave a message
Hey Izzy. It's your old pal Will...
I just wanna let you know... I totally forgive you for forgetting me
Just... Please hurry up. It's getting really cold out
[voicemail beeps] Hey bitch, leave a message
Hey Izzy... I'm freezing. Please...
[voicemail beeps] Izzy...
[voicemail beeps] Izzy!
[voicemail beeps] Izzy...
[voicemail beeps]
[Will sighs]
Izzy... I'm gonna walk home now
[shivering] I s-swear to God, if I f-freeze to death I'm gonna h-haunt your ass f-forever
[car approaches]
Calamity?
Get a phone!
[hopeful piano music plays]
[Izzy's fingers tapping on table]
[somber piano music plays]
[phone rings]
[voicemail beeps] Hey, it's Will. If you're calling I'm probably busy.
Leave a message, I guess
Hey, uh... Have you seen Calamity anywhere?
Just... wondering
Call me if you see her, I guess
[Izzy sighs]
[dramatic piano music plays]
[owl hoots, crickets chirp]
[door opens and shuts]
Will?
Izzy
God, Will, am I glad to see you
I've been calling you! Why didn't you pick up?
I'm sorry, why didn't I pick up? That's rich
I was just wondering if you'd seen Calamity anywhere
She was supposed to have dinner with me and then she never showed up
No. I haven't seen her
Why would you bother calling about something like that?
You should have just texted. It would have been easier for me to ignore
I know... I just...
I wanted to say... that I'm... sorry for not coming to pick you up
It was stupid and childish... and there's no excuse for it
I'm sorry, Will
No, you know what? I gotta go
You just got here
Yeah, something came up
Okay... See you later...
[door opens and shuts]
[Izzy exhales]
[Izzy sighs]
[hopeful piano music plays]
William
I still love you, Calamity
Will... That is not what I wanted to talk to you about
[Calamity sighs]
It's about Izzy
Izzy?
No... No no no. This is about you and me
[Calamity sighs]
There is no you and me
We are... done
But why did you break up with me? I thought things were going so well
[exasperated] It's not about you, Will
Everything is... changing
Things that used to make me feel... good...
just... They just don't, anymore
Couldn't you feel that, too?
[Calamity sighs]
You and me...
It just didn't...
It didn't feel right
[dramatic piano music begins]
You still have that?
Yeah...
Izzy wanted me to burn it... at that bonfire, you know
I just... I couldn't bring myself to do it
You were at the bonfire?
It's just... I keep thinking that if I hold onto it tight enough, then maybe...
it'll bring you back to me
It just it... it feels like a connection back to the way things were
Back when we were all... happy
[hopeful piano music plays]
Growing up sucks, huh?
Yeah...
[Calamity sighs]
Anyway... About Izzy... and what I wanted to talk to you about...
[Calamity] I don't think...
[Izzy] Will
Izzy?
What are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
You son of a bitch [slaps]
Okay, look. I can explain. Nothing happened
Calamity, why?
She didn't do anything, okay?
Oh! So I just guess you wrote this note to yourself then, huh?
You know, in case you were wondering, this is what real betrayal looks like
You couldn't just let me be happy with her
Oh, get off your high horse
All of the women in the world and you have to fall for Calamity
You get to be a slut up until the moment it has to do with somebody I care about
Why couldn't you just keep your gay little hands to yourself?
Izzy... I ... I didn't mean that
No, I think you did mean that
I think you mean that you think I can't keep my 'gay little hands' off of any woman that I come across
You know...
I expect this from everybody else
and they can call me a slut... and a whore... and a dyke...
but from you?
[Calamity, hysterically] Izzy! Izzy wait!
[The sound of owls and crickets fill the night]
[Song begins] [Singing] I walk with flowers in my hair
[Singing] I walk with birds singin' in my ear
[Singing] I dance on rainy days
[Singing] I laugh my pains away
[Singing] I love with all my heart but that don't make me silly
[Singing] I don't wanna be your manic pixie dream girl
[Singing] I ain't just a little stop on your adventure
[Singing] I don't wanna be your manic pixie dream girl
[Singing] I'm a free spirit. That means free from you
[Singing] You walk with such a serious air
[Singing] Letting the world know that you just don't care
[Singing] And maybe you're sad, or maybe you're lonely
[Singing] Or maybe you're just a little mean
[Singing] Either way it's not up to me
[Singing] To show you the light
[Singing] Either way it's not up to me
[Singing] To fix your broken soul
[Singing] Either way it's not up to me
[Singing] Don't you know I'm broken too
[Singing] I don't wanna be your manic pixie dream girl
[Singing] I ain't just a little stop on your adventure
[Singing] I don't wanna be your manic pixie dream girl
[Singing] I'm a free spirit that means
[Singing] I'm a free spirit that means
[Singing] This is my journey you're just one wrong step in it
[Singing] And I'm only trying to free me
[Greg over radio] Hello everyone! It's me, Greg Young
Not that anyone seems to care
No one showed up to my party
I had ten pizzas that went completely uneaten
I am disappointed in you all
Anyway, I... I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving break
Those of you not visiting family stop by the cafeteria for a special Thanksgiving meal
Thanks and have a good day
Did you put all of this up last night?
Yeah... Just... Think of it as a goodwill offering
It's Christmas, you know? The time of forgiving and forgetting
It's not even Thanksgiving yet
Have some shame
And that hat looks stupid
[Izzy screaming] You put them outside too?
Calamity, you have got to get Izzy to talk to me
That is the most conversation we've had in two weeks
Will...
I don't know how to say this nicely
So I won't
I don't care
I didn't get any sleep last night
And now... I have to go make sure that Izzy doesn't tear the decorations off the front of the house
[Calamity sighs]
God... Izzy really was my only friend
[Soft piano music begins]
[Phone ringing]
[Whitney on phone] Hi, it's Whitney
[Whitney on phone] Hello?
[Whitney on phone] Hello?
Oh... Hey...Hey...
[Phone ringing]
[Whitney on phone] Hello?
Whitney... Whitney, It's me, Will
[Whitney on phone] Will?
[Whitney on phone] I... Um...
[Whitney on phone] Uh... Now's not really a good time
Well, when would be a good time? I'd love to catch up with you
[Whitney on phone] It's been like... A month
[Whitney on phone] And I've heard nothing from you, Will
[Whitney on phone] I don't think there is a good time at this point
What do you mean?
[Some asshole on the phone] Whit, who is it?
[Whitney on phone] One second
[Whitney on phone] I... I gotta go. Bye
[Phone disconnects]
[Will sighs]
[Izzy] I don't see why we can't just celebrate one holiday at a time
Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas
In that order
I mean, after Thanksgiving it's whatever. It's fair game
Stores can sell whatever the want, but
I just want to celebrate Thanksgiving. Is that too much to ask?
You've been quiet lately. What's going on?
[Calamity sighs]
You could have been nicer to Will this morning
What?
He was just trying to make the place a little more festive
It just annoys me is all
[Calamity sighs] Well he just put up some lights. It's not a big deal
I wasn't gonna take them down. I just don't want to wear the stupid Santa hat
Well you didn't have to be so angry
I'm not!
You were
Fine. I'll wear the stupid hat if it means that much to you
I'm not even hungry
Calamity what's wrong?
[Izzy] Calamity!
[Will] Hey Calamity
What's wrong with her?
[Izzy] Leave!
Come on, Izzy. Just talk to me
Fine! I hate you. I hope you die
How's that?
[Piano music begins]
[Will screaming in the stall] Why?
[Will screaming in the stall] Why did I do that?
[Will screaming in the stall] Why am I so stupid?
[Will crying in the stall] Izzy...
Will?
Is that you?
[Will] Greg?
[Magical theme begins]
[Izzy sighs]
[Twig snaps]
[Greg] Well damn...
I gotta say it
You're a dick
A huge dick
Whose side are you on anyway?
I was just lashing out 'cause of the Calamity thing. It's not like I actually meant it
Did you even apologize to Izzy?
I got her a Santa hat
So that's a no...
I don't know what to tell you, man
I just...
I need Izzy back. She's my only friend
I mean... Except you of course
You just need to apologize to Izzy
[Will sighs] Maybe...
What about Calamity? Do you think there's still a chance there?
Well...
[Toilet flushes]
[Sink running water]
Excuse us
We are trying to have a private conversation
Ugh...
[Paper towels being used]
[Bathroom door closes]
Anyway...
I think you just need to be patient
And maybe Calamity will come back around to you one day
Just gotta wait and see how thing play out
That's it
See how things play out!
I've got to go get Izzy's spy ear
Not quite what I ment by patience...
Dude, what are they doing?
Shh, shh
They're not saying anything. I think something's wrong
Do I want to know how you found them so quickly?
No
[Soft piano music begins]
I think we need to break up
Calamity
Calamity, if... If there's something wrong then I wanna fix it
You are...
The most important person in the world to me
Izzy, no
Calamity, please...
Izzy, stop
I'm tired of you idolizing our relationship like we're
Romeo and fucking Juliet
[Izzy] If this has something to do with Will then we can...
Izzy you don't get it!
[Calamity] I am not some perfect dream girl here to just magically solve all of your problems
[Calamity sighs]
I am not and... never have been the person you want me to be for you
[Calamity] You've been using me to feel better about yourself
and it is... exhausting
I really like you, Izzy, but...
I'm tired
It's... It's over
[Izzy] Calamity, please don't go
I think it's best that I leave now
Don't you?
Please
Goodbye Izzy
Dude... Now's your chance
Calamity is still emotional
She needs a shoulder to cry on
Sweep in. This is your opprotunity
No...
Well...
Suit yourself
[Will] Izzy
Go away
Look, me and Greg were over there
We heard everything
Are you doing alright?
Listen Will, I just need some space right now, OK?
[Greg sighs]
Didn't go so well for you either, huh?
Nah, she said she needs space
I just...
I don't understand. It feels like everybody that I care about is slipping away from me
Dude, look
Back in high school I was a total loser
I mean...
Nobody would talk to me
Nobody would hang out with me
Except for you
And now look at me. I mean, I'm hosting a radio show...
Well, what I'm trying to say is, you know
We're all changing
That's what college is
It's all about trying to find who you truly are
And, you know, that's what Izzy and Calamity are doing too
People change
Relationships change with them
It sucks, but...
Sometimes you gotta just take it
It'll get better on the other side
[Will sighs] Look, so...
Back when Izzy used to have a really bad break-up
She would always tell all the things she hated about the girl to her little skull
Help get things off her chest
I just... I wish I had something like that
That's it! I know how to make it up to Izzy
Wait, what? You do?
Yeah, I just gotta go back to where the frat held that bonfire and get her skull back
Wait, isn't that location a super frat secret or something?
Don't they blindfold everybody that goes there
Yeah, but I know where the frat forest is, like...
It shouldn't be too hard
I gotta go
So next week I'm throwing another party
It's gonna be really cool, you in?
I... I don't know if I'll be free, but we'll see, alright?
Will really is my best friend
[Phone rings]
[Will on the phone] Izzy, I know I've messed up
[Will on the phone] I know I've been a jerk, but I'm so sorry
[Will on the phone] but I am going to make it right, I promise
Will, what are you talking about?
[Phone disconnects]
[Phone dialing]
[Automated voice message] We're sorry, your call did not go through
[Automated voice message] Will you please try your call again
[Greg over radio] Hello all! It's me, Greg Young
I have been asked to make a special evening broadcast
to inform you all that doctor Stanford has announced her retirement today
This was after her third stabbing, but before her fourth
But enough of that
I would also like to use this chance to tell you all I am throwing another...
[Radio cuts out]
[Eerie music begins]
[Phone dialing]
[Automated voice message] We're sorry, your call did not go through
[Automated voice message] Will you please try your call again
[Izzy sighs]
[Morning birds grow louder]
[Door opening]
Will, is that you?
[Calamity sighs]
No
I... uh...
[Calamity] Thought you'd already be gone
[Calamity] Otherwise I would have shown up later
I just need to grab my stuff
Calamity wait!
Wait, Calamity
I need to talk to you
[Calamity sighs] Let me through Izzy, I'm not in the mood
[Izzy] It's about Will. I'm worried about him
He never came home last night
[Calamity] Well, Will's a big boy. I'm sure he can handle himself
Well, it's just not like him
[Izzy] He never stays out past midnight
He's like a grandma, you know that
Don't you have any idea where he might be?
I don't know, and I don't care
Please, Calamity. He's my best friend
[Calamity sighs]
You might ask Greg
[Calamity] He and Will have been hanging out a lot recently
[Izzy] Forgot my keys
[Greg] Uh... Attention everybody
I'm... I'm throwing a party next week. It's gonna be super fun
Uh,,,
Invite your friends
Ah! Izzy... Uh...
Do you wanna come to my party next week?
I don't care. Where's Will?
Uh... I don't think I'm supposed to tell you that
But... Uh... You wanna take another flier?
[Izzy] We can do this the easy way or the hard way
I would never betray my friend
Hard way it is then
[Thud] Ugh... He went to the forest
He... He went to get your skull from the bonfire
That idiot
He probably froze himself half to death out there
Where was the bonfire
I... I don't know
It's some super frat secret or something
I mean maybe someone who went to the bonfire could tell you where it is
Uh... Calamity went. She could help you!
[Thud]
[Izzy sighs]
[Eerie music begins]
[Engine tries to turn over]
Piece of shit
[Engine tries to turn over]
[Car starts]
[Knocking on the car window]
What do you want, Izzy?
I need your help, Calamity
[Calamity sighs]
Izzy, I thought you of all people could take a break up
This isn't about that!
I need your help finding Will
Well... I'm busy
I have a date with Brittany
Whitney?
No, Brittany
Whatever, Will went to the bonfire to try and find my skull
That idiot
You're the only one that can lead me to him
Why in the world would I do that?
Give me one good reason
That I should ditch out on my hot date
So I can help, not one
But two of my exes
'Cause Will may be an asshole
He may be the biggest dick you've ever met
But right now that idiot is out there
Probably freezing his ass off
Trying to find a plastic skull for me
[Izzy] He'd do the same for you, Calamity. You know that
[Calamity sighs]
[Breaks screeching] [Thud]
Get in
[Izzy] Thanks for coming
I'm not doing this for you
I'm doing it for Will
[Izzy] You're not still mad at me, are you?
[Calamity sighs] I don't want to get into it
I just... Don't get it
All I ever wanted to do was show you how much you meant to me
I don't know what I did wrong
[Calamity] Izzy, I said I don't want to talk about this right now
You just made me feel so good, Calamity
[Breaks screeching]
[Calamity sighs]
All my life people have been telling me
Who I am and what I should be doing
My parents told me where I was gonna go to school
And what I should be studying
[Calamity sighs]
I dyed my hair pink in middle school and people just labeled me as
The rebel
[Calamity sighs] All my boyfriends just saw me as
Check marks on their list
Until I met Will
He didn't care what color my hair was
He just saw me
For me
[Izzy sighs] Calamity I...
All I have ever been to you
Is a means to an end
We're turning around
But...
We have to go get Will He's been out there all night
[Calamity sighs]
It's another mile down this road and it's on the right
You can come back and get him yourself
[Engine tries to turn over]
[Engine tries to turn over]
[Engine tries to turn over]
[Thud]
I hate this car
Well, looks like we'll just have to walk
Will can drive us both back after we find him
[Izzy] Calamity wait
[Eerie music begins]
[Thud] Ugh
[???] Get up
Calamity
Am I dreaming?
[Calamity] Well... More like...
Hallucinating
It's cold out here
But what are you doing here?
Well I'm you
So what are you doing here?
I'm... I'm here to get back Izzy's skull
[Calamity] Hmph
A cheap plastic skull
You wouldn't risk your life for that
What are you really doing here?
I'm here to do right by Izzy
I'm gonna do what I should have done a long time ago
And get rid of that damn necklace
[Calamity laughs]
It's metaphorical or something
You like that kind of shit, right?
Izzy said that to me
[??? laughs] You really are losing your mind
Izzy?
Oh my God, Izzy, I am so sorry
I was just... I was so focused on getting Calamity back
And I ended up hurting you
Please forgive me
[Izzy] Great. Now you just have to actually say that to me
Instead of screaming it to yourself in the middle of the forest
[Izzy sighs] Come on Will
[Izzy] Look
[Izzy] Here's his car
[Izzy] We have to be getting close
But how are we gonna find him without getting lost ourselves
We are not doing anything
I am going to wait right here while you go and find Will
[Izzy sighs] Please Calamity
I know I've been a jerk but I really need your help right now
I can't do this by myself
Sure you can
Look, I'm sorry, OK?
You were right all along
I was just using you to make me feel better about myself
I guess I just got tired of being seen as this
Slut
And I dove into our relationship without considering your feelings
I'm sorry Calamity
It's already getting pretty late
We need to start searching for Will now
[Calamity] We should split up to cover more ground
[Calamity] I'll go this way. You go that way
[Shouting] Will!
[Shouting] Will!
[Shouting] Will!
[Shouting] Will!
[Shouting] Will!
[Shouting] Will!
[Shouting] Will!
[Shouting] Will!
[Shouting] Izzy?
[Shouting] Will?
[Will shouting] Izzy!
[Shouting] Is that you?
[Shouting] Izzy!
[Izzy shouting] Come towards my voice
[Shouting] Will!
Izzy
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry
You think I don't know that?
You dope, you scared me to death
I don't know what I'd do without you
Look I got the skull. I got it back!
You idiot I don't care about that!
Are you alright?
Idiot
Come on
[Calamity shouting] Will!
Is that Calamity?
Yes, she came to help rescue you
[Izzy shouting] Calamity we found him!
You're ok!
Yeah I...
I should be fine
I can't feel my toes though
Eh
Who needs 'em anyway?
Are you...
Are you two back together?
No
We're friends now
Yeah, I think I'm gonna take a break from monogomy for a while
It's overrated anyway
Let's get out of here
[Rock music begins]
[Calamity] Will?
[Calamity] What happened to your hat?
It must have fallen off somewhere
I wonder if it misses me
That's not how hats work, Will
[Fire crackling]
[Rock music begins]
Hello fellow students. Haha
For the first time ever, I'm your host, Greg Young, for the school radio
Unfortunately the last host is in the slammer after that weird incident with... Uh...
The Stabbing
But I'd just like to take this opprotunity to welcome all of my fellow freshman
as we begin our careers at this wonderful university
Ah. And now, time for your morning jams
[Rock music intensifies]
[Soft piano music]
What did you say?
I think it's best if I leave now
Don't you?
No, no, no. Before that you said something about leaving, what was it?
Goodbye, Will
No, that wasn't it
She broke up with me
I know
Your girlfriend, Calamity, broke up with you last week
I heard you the first hundred times
Can we talk about me now?
She broke up with me...
My date with Suzy went perfectly dreadful, thank you for asking
I just don't know what went wrong
Me neither, she wouldn't put out at all
What?
Oh... I'm... I'm sorry, Izzy. How did your date go with...
What was her name? Sally?
It went great, thanks
What's on this sandwich?
[Izzy] Hot sauce
And that's not a sandwich, that's a cookie
You OK, Will?
Yeah, I'm fine...
Gimme that!
Didn't Calamity give this to you last year?
No
Listen. As your best friend and your roomate, I've got to level with you
You're seriously starting to bum me out
Remeber the date I brought over the other night, Jennifer?
Yeah
Well, she spent almost the entire time comforting you and not making out with me
She was sweet
Yeah, but so bad in bed
You're missing the point
I am?
Yes!
You have to get over Calamity, man. It's been a whole month!
We've been dating since freshman year of highschool
How do you expect me to get over four years just like that?
I used to suck dick freshman year
You grow out of these things!
It's not the same thing
I've got an idea
Follow me
Leave it!
I said, leave it!
It was an anniversary present, come on
From Calamity! Exactly!
That's why you can't have it
It's toxic for you
It's like a hot iron around your neck
burning the idea that you might get back together with her into your mind
Yeah, but we might get back together
See!
Wait
Is that my... Is that my phone?
How did you get that?
Honey, pickpocketing you is like taking guns from a liberal
Have you heard of Tinder?
Yeah
Well that's exactly what you need
Someone to help you get over Calamity
I don't know...
Come on! It'll be great
Ok, we just have to update your account...
Wait, you... already installed it on my phone?
Yeah...
It's easier to get the straight ones if I pretend to be a guy at first
Wait, you... you pretended to be me?
How often do you have my phone?
I'm your roomate, not a saint
Here! Profile picture!
Hey!
Youch... Maybe not that one...
OK, here
Eh, OK
Uh... Describe yourself
I'm lost
My life has no purpose
She left me and now I have nothing left
I'm just a loose collection of
Punk-emo song lyrics and a future in alcoholism
Working at a dead-end job until and inevitably early death...
How about
"six-four"
OK, and?
Oh, that's it
I'm not even that tall
[ding] Hey, you've already got a match
Yeah, but isn't she dating that guy from Alpha Alpha Alpha?
[Frat Dudes in distance] Alpha! Alpha! Alpha!
Maybe, but trust me she gets around and boy can that girl...
Yeah... Yeah... That's enough...
Thanks
Enough?
Come on, you can't give up yet!
What about...
Cheryl Thomas! She has a dog, that's an instant turn on right?
Nah, her nose is too big
That's like the hundredth time you've said that!
Not all their noses can be too big
I'm sorry, but I'm not just going to give up on Calamity
I still love her
She might still come around
Give me that!
I'm going to put this right here, under the skull of Andrew Jackson
And you better not touch it
You remeber what happened last time someone touched my prized skull
You made out with them?
No! After that
You had sex with them?
Before that!
I think I'm lost
I gave her a black eye, Will.
A black eye
Calamity has such pretty eyes
Ugh, you need to get over her!
I have an idea
You know the yearly bonfire put on by Alpha Alpha Alpha?
[Frat Dudes in backyard] Alpha! Alpha! Alpha! Alpha! Alpha! Alpha!
Stay the hell out of our yard!
It'd be perfect
You could throw the necklace into the bonfire and be done with it
It's metaphorical or something
You like that kind of shit, right?
I don't know, that doesn't sound like a very good idea
At least think about it, OK?
[Will] Nope
So you're not stalking Calamity?
Nope
Really? Because it looks
like you're using my spy-ear to listen in on her conversation
Why do you even have this thing?
That's besides the point
Anyway, have you given any more thought to the whole bonfire thing?
Shh, shh, she's talking
[Izzy trailing off] I just think it would be really good for....
Uh, huh
Uh, huh
So where is this bonfire thing anyway?
Huh
Ok, yeah. I'll... I'll see you there
[Snapping] [Izzy] Are you even listening to me?
Yeah, um...
Yeah
I think your bonfire thing is a really good idea
Really? Because just a minute ago you said...
Yeah, yeah, I know. I wasn't thinking clearly
I think it'd be a really go idea for me to go and... uh...
Burn the necklace?
Burn the neckalce! What are you talking about? I mean...
Yeah, yeah, uh
I think that's a really good idea. I'm glad we're on the same page now
Me too, I think it's really good that you're going to go
There's no way you're going
I've asked everyone I know
These Alpha Alpha Alpha...
[Frat Dudes in distance] Alpha! Alpha! Alpha!
These... Triple-A events are really exclusive
If you don't get an invitation there's no way you can go
All my contacts in the fraternity are...
Angry at me to sya the least
There's got to be someway to get them to notice me
That's it, I've got an idea
Alpha Alpha Alpha...
Alpha! Alpha! Alpha!
Don't you have anything better to do?
Anyway, the fraternity is putting on a talent show
If you win, they have to invite you
Izzy...
You know I can't perform in front of an audience
Not since...
The incident
You know you have to
You're right
[music intensifies] But this may be the hardest thing I've ever had to do
You know?
It wasn't that bad
Not at all. You really surprised me
I didn't think you could give such a touching rendition of "My Heart Will Go On"
Yeah
Hey... Uh...
[Will] Uh Will
Whatever
I just wanted to let you know that... Uh... Those weren't tears during your song
I...I had something in my eye
Well, I'm glad you liked it
Can I go to the bonfire?
Do you have any idea what you're asking?
Our holy order does not take kindly to outsiders like you
Come on man, there's something I can do
You live with that Izzy chick, right?
Yeah
I want to teach her a lesson
I want you to steal her skull
Her skull?
The skull of the Andrew Jackson that has been passed down in her family for generations
Why? What did she do to you?
I'd uh... Rather not talk about it
That is literally the one thing in this world that she cares about
She brags about it to everyone
What could possibly justify me stealing it?
She uh...
She slept with my girlfriend
[Will] What?
She slept with my girlfriend
God... She'd hate me
Well if you want to go to the bonfire, that's what you've got to do
Fine, fine, I'll do it
OK
And you better bring it
Or else
Well? How'd it go?
I'm in
[Piano music begins]
[Izzy] What are you doing?
Uh... Nothing
You're stealing my skull
Yeah
Frat dude said I couldn't come to the bonfire unless I stole your skull
Something about wanting revenge for you sleeping with his girlfriend
Oh yeah...
But... This is serious
You, my only confidant
Are stealing my skull
My family heirloom, the skull of Andrew Jackson
The only thing in this world that I care about
[Izzy] Take it
What?
You need to get over Calamity and if this is going to help you do that, then
Take it
But you owe me
and you know that is not something that I take lightly
[Izzy] It's just a stupid piece of platsic anyway
[Intense piano music begins]
[Fire crackling and people chattering in the background]
[Greg over the radio] Hello! I'm your host, Greg Young
And I don't know about you, but
I am getting excited
Halloween is just around the corner and in celebration
Joshua Andrews is throwing a Halloween party and all are invited
Maybe I should throw a party sometime
In recent news
Dr. Stanford is making a slow but steady recovery from her unfortunate stab wound earlier this year
Keep her in your hearts as we play something a bit more relaxing for her
This one's for you
[Will] Come on out here, Calamity!
Come on out
What?
Are you scared of me?
Why don't you send your new boyfriend on out here?
Huh?
I can take him
Why won't those break?
[Izzy] Will, get in
Izzy? Is that you?
Hey!
Come on! Throw some bottles with me, it's Calamity's house
Do you know what time it is?
Time for revenge
No. It's about 5 am on a wednesday
[Izzy] You frantically texted me, telling me to come help
Burn this bitch to the ground
You see there was a change in plans
I couldn't find a lighter
That's probably for the best, your breath smells flammable
Did you drink all of those?
Well, you see
I can drink a lot of beer over the course of two weeks
But yes, I did drink all of that last night
Who gets drunk off beer?
I'm allowed a vice or two
Or twenty
Hey, I am over Calamity, fire rain down upon her
What else do you want me to do?
I don't know! Maybe not commit attempted property damage
[Izzy] And I may have some bad news for you
This is isn't Calamity's house
It's not Calamity's house? What are you...
Shit
Sorry about that, ma'am. Just got to get him back to the mental institution
Isabelle?
That's my name. Do I know you?
It's Lily
From high school?
How could you not remember me?
[Lily] Huh
You know...
You meant more to me than any other person
I'm glad to know those feeling were reciprocated
Uh... I'm... I'm sorry
Screw you
You know?
All things considered
That could have gone worse
[Will] Let's get out of here
Yeah
[Intense music begins]
[Dull thud]
[Dull thud]
I swear, Will. Throw one more and we are going to find out which is gonna break first
This bottle or your head
Sorry about that Izzy. It's just
It's the only thing I've found that will get you out of that walking coma you've been in since this morning
Well, what do you want then?
I was just wondering, could you like
Set me up on a blind date with someone you know or something?
I'm not sure I know any blind girls
Ha ha. That's very funny, but I'm serious
I'm moving past Calamity
Strike her with lighting
And I'm ready to put myself back out there
I'm not cupid. Why don't you just use Tinder?
[Sigh]
Nobody mayched with me...
Well, I can't do magic, Will
I don't need magic I'm just a little out of practice
You're just gonna have to get a girl to fall for you the old fashioned way
[Both snicker]
Ok, fine, fine
The girl I'm going on a date with tomorrow has a straight sister
I don't know if she's single, but I can ask if she's interested in going on a double date
How's that?
That'd be great, but I thought you said your date was tonight?
[Softly] Shit
Are you sure she's not blind?
Izzy, we're here
[Sigh]
Don't you dare!
Worked, didn't it?
Come on, let's go. We're already late
I just... don't know what the problem is. I'm just so nervous
It's understandable
This is my first date with someone new in four years
I'm more nervous than I've ever been
Well of course you're nervous, but this is me we're talking about
The poets write epics about my conquests. I don't just get nervous
Maybe you're becoming more like a normal human
Just don't mess this up for me, OK?
[Will] You haven't even told me anything about these girls
What's to tell, they're eligible and cute
At least give me something... Like a name
Whitney and Brittany! Now let's go, we're gonna be late
I just said that
[Whitney] And that's when I said
At how acrobatic your mother is
[Awkward laughter]
[Will's deafening lonliness embodied by a laugh]
[Brittany] Anyway, I feel like we've been doing all the talking
Why don't you tell us a little about yourself?
Um... Can I have just a second, with my friend?
Um... S...Sure
Sorry
Will, this is important
What? What is it?
Which one is Whitney and which one is Brittany?
Brittany's the one that...
No, Whitney's wearing...
Oh god...
You can't remember either?
Well, what are we gonna do?
Maybe they don't know our names?
Is everything alright, Izzy?
Oh, you know my name
So... What are you... What are you studying?
What am I studying?
I am... Studying... Names!
And I... Definitely know yours
I... I never forget people...
Ever
Huh...
So... Haha... What are you studying, Will?
I'm actually really glad you asked that, because it is really interesting
[It wasn't] So I study a very particular area of history that studies...
[Eerie music]
Excuse me
[Whitney, I think?] What's this bitch's problem?
Sorry about that
[Intense piano music]
Izzy, what's going on with you?
Is it that girl from this morning?
The one whose name you couldn't remember?
I just... I don't get it. What is wrong with me?
How can I affect someone that much and not even remeber them?
I meant the world to her, and I couldn't even remember her name
[Sigh] I have been with a lot of women
Are all of them out there right now just hating me?
Is that the price I have to pay to just have a little bit of fun?
Why? I...
It's not like I lie to them
They should understand that it's just... Casual
What's so wrong with that?
Izzy... I...
I don't know what to say
[Sigh] Well
I totally ruined tonight for you so
I'll talk to her and I'll get you a proper date
[Will] Izzy
And I'll learn her damn name
You know?
I've got an idea
It's nothing revolutionary, but...
You know that Halloween party that's this weekend?
I feel like it would be really good for you to go and you know...
Unwind, forget your problems
[Sigh] You're right, it can't hurt
[Party music begins]
[Sounds of people chatting and having a good time]
You seem to pretty to be a wall-flower
Come dance with me
[Music fades out as the fountain grows louder]
It's weird seeing you without your hat
No! I like it
Aw... Thanks
This is actually kind of cute
I'm glad you think so. My roomate thought I was crazy
I like it
I haven't been to a library in so long
I can't believe I've been missing out on such classics as
What to say when you talk to yourself
Thank you very much [Both laugh]
Are you ok?
Have you ever... Hurt someone
And felt like there was nothing you could do about it?
Like... Maybe if they just felt how you felt, or saw what you saw
It would be alright, but
They don't. And it isn't
I have, yeah
I just... I don't know what I'm doing wrong
I'm not a bad person, I just...
Do what I do and people get hurt
It's not your fault
You don't control people's feelings
You don't make them care for you
They make that decision all on their own
The only thing you can do
Is just
Be yourself
And know that one day
That'll be enough
I had a great time tonight, Will
Give me a call some time
[Magical lesbian music begins]
Izzy is that you?
Remember when you said you owed me for the skull thing?
Yeah?
[Magical lesbian music intensifies]
[Birds chirping]
[Greg over radio] Hello!
And this is a special broadcast from me, your host, Greg Young
I would just like to invite everyone to a house party I will be throwing
in two weeks time.
There will be plenty of pizza and beer
so stop by and have some fun
[pen clicks, paper crumples]
[Greg on radio] Also, the student board would like me to remind everyone
that stabbing your professors willl not excuse you from midterms
and that Dr. Stanford is expected to make a full recovery
from her second set of stabbing wounds
[paper crumples]
[Greg on radio] Thank you, and have a marvelous day
What is this?
What is what?
This monstrosity that you've cursed our table with.
Ohhh, that.
That's just something I picked up from the thrift store the over day.
Table felt like... Just felt like it needed something.
Yeah, you know what? You're right.
It does need something.
I know exactly what it needs.
But since that is lost in the forest somewhere
among the embers of a certain bonfire
I just really don't think that this
belongs here
[scoffs] That's really rich
You trying to tell me what does and doesn't belong here
Because I can think of a really good example
of something you brought home recently that doesn't belong
What?
Will, can I have a word with you in the kitchen please?
[Izzy sighs] Will, I...
[Izzy sighs again]
I have just been having
a really tough couple of weeks
and... I'm not saying that Calamity is the answer to all my problems
but... she... makes me feel good
I... really need somebody like her right now
No offense
I just need someone more than a friend right now
Things just... Aren't the way they used to be
Things that used to make sense to me... Just don't anymore
I feel so...
unsure of myself
But this... This makes sense to me
One of Calamity's famous notes
Are you even listening to me?
[mockingly] I cooked something for dinner tonight
[disgusted] Love, Calamity
Can you not read those? They're private
Why doesn't she just text like a normal person?
Will, listen
I've known you for years. Your friendship is really important to me
but this relationship is important to me, too
And I just need to know that you can handle it
Okay, look. It's just...
it's really weird. My best friend and my ex-girlfriend...
like, together? Dating?
Like, I... I just need some time, okay?
So you're not gonna be a dick about this?
When have I ever been a dick?
Okay, fair enough... But... [Will sighs]
I'll be okay, alright?
Will!
Will, wait up
What?
Slow down!
I have to get to class.
You don't have another class today
Don't you just have to wait for me to drive you home?
What's wrong?
[Will sighs] Nothing's wrong
Is it because Calamity was in class with us?
We were just holding hands!
Well that was some pretty damn sensual hand holding!
Sensual?? What are you even talking about?
You said you'd be okay with this!
Well... Look, you're doing it again! Get a room.
You are impossible.
Izzy...
Impossible? This is not about you and Calamity
Will... Maybe this isn't the best time
No. You know what? I think this is a great time
What is it about then?
It's about the... It's about the...
That's what I thought.
Why can't you just get over yourself and be happy for me?
Should I leave?
[Will] Yes!
[Izzy] No!
It's fine. I'll just catch you later, okay?
Let's just hang. You and me.
Will's just being rude right now
Me rude? I am not the one who betrayed my best friend
Please... I can just come by later...
No, we are figuring this out right now
Will, wait
What do you two want?
Really, I should just go
Will, I did not betray you. You said you were over her
Look, I'm trying
You said you were over her!
Well maybe I lied, okay??
Look. You kept telling me that I needed to get over her, and I am trying my hardest
but my feelings for her aren't just going to go away overnight
and it doesn't get any easier if she's around here all the time
Well... That's... Just the way it has to be right now
Look... I want to feel happy for you
but it's just... Calamity, you know what I'm trying to say, right?
Shit.
[bittersweet piano music begins]
[Izzy sighs]
Izzy?
[Will sighs]
[magical lesbian music begins]
[fountain bubbling]
Calamity.
Calamity... I'm...
so sorry about that
I don't know what came over him
Calamity...
My parents made me enroll here.
What?
[bittersweet piano music plays]
I wanted to go to USC
[water splashes]
But... they said I'd never get in
So... They sent me here
Calamity... What are you talking about?
I don't think I can be the person that you want me to be
What do you mean, who you want me to be?
I heard you talking to Will in the kitchen this morning...
and I'm so afraid that I--
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry about Will
I know he hasn't warmed back up to you yet... But, he will
He just... Needs time
Izzy...
You said yourself that you can't control sombody else's feelings
It's not your fault that Will's mad at you
You are... amazing
And Will knew that at one point
and now I do
You mean so much to me, Calamity
I just... Don't want Will to get in the way of that
He isn't
I'm glad
I... I've gotta go
We're still having dinner together later, right?
I... I think so. Yeah
[cars come and go]
[phone rings]
[Izzy's voicemail begins] Hey bitch, leave a message
Hey Izzy, it's Will...
Um... I'm sure you didn't forget, but I'm waiting at our normal pick up spot
Uh... If you could please hurry... It's getting pretty cold
Uh, give me a call whenever you get this, I guess
[voicemail beeps] Hey bitch, leave a message
Hey Izzy. I'm sure you didn't forget me... C'mon
[voicemail beeps] Hey bitch, leave a message
Hey Izzy. It's your old pal Will...
I just wanna let you know... I totally forgive you for forgetting me
Just... Please hurry up. It's getting really cold out
[voicemail beeps] Hey bitch, leave a message
Hey Izzy... I'm freezing. Please...
[voicemail beeps] Izzy...
[voicemail beeps] Izzy!
[voicemail beeps] Izzy...
[voicemail beeps]
[Will sighs]
Izzy... I'm gonna walk home now
[shivering] I s-swear to God, if I f-freeze to death I'm gonna h-haunt your ass f-forever
[car approaches]
Calamity?
Get a phone!
[hopeful piano music plays]
[Izzy's fingers tapping on table]
[somber piano music plays]
[phone rings]
[voicemail beeps] Hey, it's Will. If you're calling I'm probably busy.
Leave a message, I guess
Hey, uh... Have you seen Calamity anywhere?
Just... wondering
Call me if you see her, I guess
[Izzy sighs]
[dramatic piano music plays]
[owl hoots, crickets chirp]
[door opens and shuts]
Will?
Izzy
God, Will, am I glad to see you
I've been calling you! Why didn't you pick up?
I'm sorry, why didn't I pick up? That's rich
I was just wondering if you'd seen Calamity anywhere
She was supposed to have dinner with me and then she never showed up
No. I haven't seen her
Why would you bother calling about something like that?
You should have just texted. It would have been easier for me to ignore
I know... I just...
I wanted to say... that I'm... sorry for not coming to pick you up
It was stupid and childish... and there's no excuse for it
I'm sorry, Will
No, you know what? I gotta go
You just got here
Yeah, something came up
Okay... See you later...
[door opens and shuts]
[Izzy exhales]
[Izzy sighs]
[hopeful piano music plays]
William
I still love you, Calamity
Will... That is not what I wanted to talk to you about
[Calamity sighs]
It's about Izzy
Izzy?
No... No no no. This is about you and me
[Calamity sighs]
There is no you and me
We are... done
But why did you break up with me? I thought things were going so well
[exasperated] It's not about you, Will
Everything is... changing
Things that used to make me feel... good...
just... They just don't, anymore
Couldn't you feel that, too?
[Calamity sighs]
You and me...
It just didn't...
It didn't feel right
[dramatic piano music begins]
You still have that?
Yeah...
Izzy wanted me to burn it... at that bonfire, you know
I just... I couldn't bring myself to do it
You were at the bonfire?
It's just... I keep thinking that if I hold onto it tight enough, then maybe...
it'll bring you back to me
It just it... it feels like a connection back to the way things were
Back when we were all... happy
[hopeful piano music plays]
Growing up sucks, huh?
Yeah...
[Calamity sighs]
Anyway... About Izzy... and what I wanted to talk to you about...
[Calamity] I don't think...
[Izzy] Will
Izzy?
What are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
You son of a bitch [slaps]
Okay, look. I can explain. Nothing happened
Calamity, why?
She didn't do anything, okay?
Oh! So I just guess you wrote this note to yourself then, huh?
You know, in case you were wondering, this is what real betrayal looks like
You couldn't just let me be happy with her
Oh, get off your high horse
All of the women in the world and you have to fall for Calamity
You get to be a slut up until the moment it has to do with somebody I care about
Why couldn't you just keep your gay little hands to yourself?
Izzy... I ... I didn't mean that
No, I think you did mean that
I think you mean that you think I can't keep my 'gay little hands' off of any woman that I come across
You know...
I expect this from everybody else
and they can call me a slut... and a whore... and a dyke...
but from you?
[Calamity, hysterically] Izzy! Izzy wait!
[The sound of owls and crickets fill the night]
[Song begins] [Singing] I walk with flowers in my hair
[Singing] I walk with birds singin' in my ear
[Singing] I dance on rainy days
[Singing] I laugh my pains away
[Singing] I love with all my heart but that don't make me silly
[Singing] I don't wanna be your manic pixie dream girl
[Singing] I ain't just a little stop on your adventure
[Singing] I don't wanna be your manic pixie dream girl
[Singing] I'm a free spirit. That means free from you
[Singing] You walk with such a serious air
[Singing] Letting the world know that you just don't care
[Singing] And maybe you're sad, or maybe you're lonely
[Singing] Or maybe you're just a little mean
[Singing] Either way it's not up to me
[Singing] To show you the light
[Singing] Either way it's not up to me
[Singing] To fix your broken soul
[Singing] Either way it's not up to me
[Singing] Don't you know I'm broken too
[Singing] I don't wanna be your manic pixie dream girl
[Singing] I ain't just a little stop on your adventure
[Singing] I don't wanna be your manic pixie dream girl
[Singing] I'm a free spirit that means
[Singing] I'm a free spirit that means
[Singing] This is my journey you're just one wrong step in it
[Singing] And I'm only trying to free me
[Greg over radio] Hello everyone! It's me, Greg Young
Not that anyone seems to care
No one showed up to my party
I had ten pizzas that went completely uneaten
I am disappointed in you all
Anyway, I... I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving break
Those of you not visiting family stop by the cafeteria for a special Thanksgiving meal
Thanks and have a good day
Did you put all of this up last night?
Yeah... Just... Think of it as a goodwill offering
It's Christmas, you know? The time of forgiving and forgetting
It's not even Thanksgiving yet
Have some shame
And that hat looks stupid
[Izzy screaming] You put them outside too?
Calamity, you have got to get Izzy to talk to me
That is the most conversation we've had in two weeks
Will...
I don't know how to say this nicely
So I won't
I don't care
I didn't get any sleep last night
And now... I have to go make sure that Izzy doesn't tear the decorations off the front of the house
[Calamity sighs]
God... Izzy really was my only friend
[Soft piano music begins]
[Phone ringing]
[Whitney on phone] Hi, it's Whitney
[Whitney on phone] Hello?
[Whitney on phone] Hello?
Oh... Hey...Hey...
[Phone ringing]
[Whitney on phone] Hello?
Whitney... Whitney, It's me, Will
[Whitney on phone] Will?
[Whitney on phone] I... Um...
[Whitney on phone] Uh... Now's not really a good time
Well, when would be a good time? I'd love to catch up with you
[Whitney on phone] It's been like... A month
[Whitney on phone] And I've heard nothing from you, Will
[Whitney on phone] I don't think there is a good time at this point
What do you mean?
[Some asshole on the phone] Whit, who is it?
[Whitney on phone] One second
[Whitney on phone] I... I gotta go. Bye
[Phone disconnects]
[Will sighs]
[Izzy] I don't see why we can't just celebrate one holiday at a time
Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas
In that order
I mean, after Thanksgiving it's whatever. It's fair game
Stores can sell whatever the want, but
I just want to celebrate Thanksgiving. Is that too much to ask?
You've been quiet lately. What's going on?
[Calamity sighs]
You could have been nicer to Will this morning
What?
He was just trying to make the place a little more festive
It just annoys me is all
[Calamity sighs] Well he just put up some lights. It's not a big deal
I wasn't gonna take them down. I just don't want to wear the stupid Santa hat
Well you didn't have to be so angry
I'm not!
You were
Fine. I'll wear the stupid hat if it means that much to you
I'm not even hungry
Calamity what's wrong?
[Izzy] Calamity!
[Will] Hey Calamity
What's wrong with her?
[Izzy] Leave!
Come on, Izzy. Just talk to me
Fine! I hate you. I hope you die
How's that?
[Piano music begins]
[Will screaming in the stall] Why?
[Will screaming in the stall] Why did I do that?
[Will screaming in the stall] Why am I so stupid?
[Will crying in the stall] Izzy...
Will?
Is that you?
[Will] Greg?
[Magical theme begins]
[Izzy sighs]
[Twig snaps]
[Greg] Well damn...
I gotta say it
You're a dick
A huge dick
Whose side are you on anyway?
I was just lashing out 'cause of the Calamity thing. It's not like I actually meant it
Did you even apologize to Izzy?
I got her a Santa hat
So that's a no...
I don't know what to tell you, man
I just...
I need Izzy back. She's my only friend
I mean... Except you of course
You just need to apologize to Izzy
[Will sighs] Maybe...
What about Calamity? Do you think there's still a chance there?
Well...
[Toilet flushes]
[Sink running water]
Excuse us
We are trying to have a private conversation
Ugh...
[Paper towels being used]
[Bathroom door closes]
Anyway...
I think you just need to be patient
And maybe Calamity will come back around to you one day
Just gotta wait and see how thing play out
That's it
See how things play out!
I've got to go get Izzy's spy ear
Not quite what I ment by patience...
Dude, what are they doing?
Shh, shh
They're not saying anything. I think something's wrong
Do I want to know how you found them so quickly?
No
[Soft piano music begins]
I think we need to break up
Calamity
Calamity, if... If there's something wrong then I wanna fix it
You are...
The most important person in the world to me
Izzy, no
Calamity, please...
Izzy, stop
I'm tired of you idolizing our relationship like we're
Romeo and fucking Juliet
[Izzy] If this has something to do with Will then we can...
Izzy you don't get it!
[Calamity] I am not some perfect dream girl here to just magically solve all of your problems
[Calamity sighs]
I am not and... never have been the person you want me to be for you
[Calamity] You've been using me to feel better about yourself
and it is... exhausting
I really like you, Izzy, but...
I'm tired
It's... It's over
[Izzy] Calamity, please don't go
I think it's best that I leave now
Don't you?
Please
Goodbye Izzy
Dude... Now's your chance
Calamity is still emotional
She needs a shoulder to cry on
Sweep in. This is your opprotunity
No...
Well...
Suit yourself
[Will] Izzy
Go away
Look, me and Greg were over there
We heard everything
Are you doing alright?
Listen Will, I just need some space right now, OK?
[Greg sighs]
Didn't go so well for you either, huh?
Nah, she said she needs space
I just...
I don't understand. It feels like everybody that I care about is slipping away from me
Dude, look
Back in high school I was a total loser
I mean...
Nobody would talk to me
Nobody would hang out with me
Except for you
And now look at me. I mean, I'm hosting a radio show...
Well, what I'm trying to say is, you know
We're all changing
That's what college is
It's all about trying to find who you truly are
And, you know, that's what Izzy and Calamity are doing too
People change
Relationships change with them
It sucks, but...
Sometimes you gotta just take it
It'll get better on the other side
[Will sighs] Look, so...
Back when Izzy used to have a really bad break-up
She would always tell all the things she hated about the girl to her little skull
Help get things off her chest
I just... I wish I had something like that
That's it! I know how to make it up to Izzy
Wait, what? You do?
Yeah, I just gotta go back to where the frat held that bonfire and get her skull back
Wait, isn't that location a super frat secret or something?
Don't they blindfold everybody that goes there
Yeah, but I know where the frat forest is, like...
It shouldn't be too hard
I gotta go
So next week I'm throwing another party
It's gonna be really cool, you in?
I... I don't know if I'll be free, but we'll see, alright?
Will really is my best friend
[Phone rings]
[Will on the phone] Izzy, I know I've messed up
[Will on the phone] I know I've been a jerk, but I'm so sorry
[Will on the phone] but I am going to make it right, I promise
Will, what are you talking about?
[Phone disconnects]
[Phone dialing]
[Automated voice message] We're sorry, your call did not go through
[Automated voice message] Will you please try your call again
[Greg over radio] Hello all! It's me, Greg Young
I have been asked to make a special evening broadcast
to inform you all that doctor Stanford has announced her retirement today
This was after her third stabbing, but before her fourth
But enough of that
I would also like to use this chance to tell you all I am throwing another...
[Radio cuts out]
[Eerie music begins]
[Phone dialing]
[Automated voice message] We're sorry, your call did not go through
[Automated voice message] Will you please try your call again
[Izzy sighs]
[Morning birds grow louder]
[Door opening]
Will, is that you?
[Calamity sighs]
No
I... uh...
[Calamity] Thought you'd already be gone
[Calamity] Otherwise I would have shown up later
I just need to grab my stuff
Calamity wait!
Wait, Calamity
I need to talk to you
[Calamity sighs] Let me through Izzy, I'm not in the mood
[Izzy] It's about Will. I'm worried about him
He never came home last night
[Calamity] Well, Will's a big boy. I'm sure he can handle himself
Well, it's just not like him
[Izzy] He never stays out past midnight
He's like a grandma, you know that
Don't you have any idea where he might be?
I don't know, and I don't care
Please, Calamity. He's my best friend
[Calamity sighs]
You might ask Greg
[Calamity] He and Will have been hanging out a lot recently
[Izzy] Forgot my keys
[Greg] Uh... Attention everybody
I'm... I'm throwing a party next week. It's gonna be super fun
Uh,,,
Invite your friends
Ah! Izzy... Uh...
Do you wanna come to my party next week?
I don't care. Where's Will?
Uh... I don't think I'm supposed to tell you that
But... Uh... You wanna take another flier?
[Izzy] We can do this the easy way or the hard way
I would never betray my friend
Hard way it is then
[Thud] Ugh... He went to the forest
He... He went to get your skull from the bonfire
That idiot
He probably froze himself half to death out there
Where was the bonfire
I... I don't know
It's some super frat secret or something
I mean maybe someone who went to the bonfire could tell you where it is
Uh... Calamity went. She could help you!
[Thud]
[Izzy sighs]
[Eerie music begins]
[Engine tries to turn over]
Piece of shit
[Engine tries to turn over]
[Car starts]
[Knocking on the car window]
What do you want, Izzy?
I need your help, Calamity
[Calamity sighs]
Izzy, I thought you of all people could take a break up
This isn't about that!
I need your help finding Will
Well... I'm busy
I have a date with Brittany
Whitney?
No, Brittany
Whatever, Will went to the bonfire to try and find my skull
That idiot
You're the only one that can lead me to him
Why in the world would I do that?
Give me one good reason
That I should ditch out on my hot date
So I can help, not one
But two of my exes
'Cause Will may be an asshole
He may be the biggest dick you've ever met
But right now that idiot is out there
Probably freezing his ass off
Trying to find a plastic skull for me
[Izzy] He'd do the same for you, Calamity. You know that
[Calamity sighs]
[Breaks screeching] [Thud]
Get in
[Izzy] Thanks for coming
I'm not doing this for you
I'm doing it for Will
[Izzy] You're not still mad at me, are you?
[Calamity sighs] I don't want to get into it
I just... Don't get it
All I ever wanted to do was show you how much you meant to me
I don't know what I did wrong
[Calamity] Izzy, I said I don't want to talk about this right now
You just made me feel so good, Calamity
[Breaks screeching]
[Calamity sighs]
All my life people have been telling me
Who I am and what I should be doing
My parents told me where I was gonna go to school
And what I should be studying
[Calamity sighs]
I dyed my hair pink in middle school and people just labeled me as
The rebel
[Calamity sighs] All my boyfriends just saw me as
Check marks on their list
Until I met Will
He didn't care what color my hair was
He just saw me
For me
[Izzy sighs] Calamity I...
All I have ever been to you
Is a means to an end
We're turning around
But...
We have to go get Will He's been out there all night
[Calamity sighs]
It's another mile down this road and it's on the right
You can come back and get him yourself
[Engine tries to turn over]
[Engine tries to turn over]
[Engine tries to turn over]
[Thud]
I hate this car
Well, looks like we'll just have to walk
Will can drive us both back after we find him
[Izzy] Calamity wait
[Eerie music begins]
[Thud] Ugh
[???] Get up
Calamity
Am I dreaming?
[Calamity] Well... More like...
Hallucinating
It's cold out here
But what are you doing here?
Well I'm you
So what are you doing here?
I'm... I'm here to get back Izzy's skull
[Calamity] Hmph
A cheap plastic skull
You wouldn't risk your life for that
What are you really doing here?
I'm here to do right by Izzy
I'm gonna do what I should have done a long time ago
And get rid of that damn necklace
[Calamity laughs]
It's metaphorical or something
You like that kind of shit, right?
Izzy said that to me
[??? laughs] You really are losing your mind
Izzy?
Oh my God, Izzy, I am so sorry
I was just... I was so focused on getting Calamity back
And I ended up hurting you
Please forgive me
[Izzy] Great. Now you just have to actually say that to me
Instead of screaming it to yourself in the middle of the forest
[Izzy sighs] Come on Will
[Izzy] Look
[Izzy] Here's his car
[Izzy] We have to be getting close
But how are we gonna find him without getting lost ourselves
We are not doing anything
I am going to wait right here while you go and find Will
[Izzy sighs] Please Calamity
I know I've been a jerk but I really need your help right now
I can't do this by myself
Sure you can
Look, I'm sorry, OK?
You were right all along
I was just using you to make me feel better about myself
I guess I just got tired of being seen as this
Slut
And I dove into our relationship without considering your feelings
I'm sorry Calamity
It's already getting pretty late
We need to start searching for Will now
[Calamity] We should split up to cover more ground
[Calamity] I'll go this way. You go that way
[Shouting] Will!
[Shouting] Will!
[Shouting] Will!
[Shouting] Will!
[Shouting] Will!
[Shouting] Will!
[Shouting] Will!
[Shouting] Will!
[Shouting] Izzy?
[Shouting] Will?
[Will shouting] Izzy!
[Shouting] Is that you?
[Shouting] Izzy!
[Izzy shouting] Come towards my voice
[Shouting] Will!
Izzy
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry
You think I don't know that?
You dope, you scared me to death
I don't know what I'd do without you
Look I got the skull. I got it back!
You idiot I don't care about that!
Are you alright?
Idiot
Come on
[Calamity shouting] Will!
Is that Calamity?
Yes, she came to help rescue you
[Izzy shouting] Calamity we found him!
You're ok!
Yeah I...
I should be fine
I can't feel my toes though
Eh
Who needs 'em anyway?
Are you...
Are you two back together?
No
We're friends now
Yeah, I think I'm gonna take a break from monogomy for a while
It's overrated anyway
Let's get out of here
[Rock music begins]
[Calamity] Will?
[Calamity] What happened to your hat?
It must have fallen off somewhere
I wonder if it misses me
That's not how hats work, Will