Along Came Polly (2004) Movie Script

I, Reuben, take you, Lisa--
I, Reuben, take you, Lisa,
to be my lawfully wedded wife.
I do. I do.
Hey, Lois.
The room looks beautiful.
Oh, thanks. And all the candles
have been replaced...
with these mini-lamps you asked for,
so now no more fire hazard.
Hey, did we sanitize these things?
- The best man is in the house! Ohh!
- Oh!
- Oh, my God!
- Sandy, you okay?
Jorg, ice.
The best man went down.
Dance floor's like a Slip 'N Slide, dude.
I thought I told them not to wax this.
Twenty-three percent of the guests
are over 7 0.
I don't want anyone breaking a hip.
Okay. Don't worry.
l'm gonna take care of it.
All right. I analyze risk for a living.
lt's my job to worry.
Okay, let me do the worrying
'cause you gotta get married.
l'm good.
You got my note that
Harry Bard at table seven
is violently allergic to seafood?
Yes. His chicken will go
nowhere near the fish.
We're putting the finishing touches
on the cake.
This looks great. Lisa's gonna love it.
Hit me, dude.
Hey, aren't you that kid
from Crocodile Tears?
That's right. l'm Sandy Lyle.
Man, I saw that movie in high school.
That bagpipe scene,
that was the funniest shit, man.
We had a good time on that picture.
You want an autograph?
Ah, no, thanks.
lt's good to see you, man.
I thought you died,
like, 1 5 years ago.
Ah. Nah.
l'm very much alive, my friend.
l've been doing a lot of stage acting.
Getting back to my roots.
- Sandy, we should get going 'cause--
- They're making an
E! True Hollywood Story on me,
so that should clear up
a lot of your questions.
So they're really doing
one of those shows about your life?
Yeah. I got a camera crew
following me around
the next few weeks.
lt's gonna be huge.
Wow. That's cool.
Reuben. Two-minute warning.
Lisa's on her way down.
Okay, thanks.
Look, Reuben.
Now, l'm asking you this because
you're my oldest friend in the world.
And l'm your wingman.
Okay. What?
Are you sure you wanna do this?
Sandy, there's not a doubt
in my mind.
Okay? I found the perfect woman.
We're totally in love.
My life's working out
just like I planned.
Let's go get married.
- [Glass Breaks]
- Mazel tov!
Go on. Kiss each other.
Big smile, everyone!
Come on. You love each other.
Smile, Grandma.
Having fun.
- ['Hava Nagila']
- [Yelling]
[Cloth Rips]
Hello, everybody.
l'm Stan lndursky, Reuben's boss.
Thank you. You're very kind.
Now, Reub's not the sort of fellow
to brag about his own success,
so l'm going to do it for him.
The fact is, this young man here...
is the best risk assessment expert...
in this whole meshugas
we call the insurance business.
lrving, Vivian,
you've raised a wonderful son.
Let's hear it for him.
Reuben, Lisa, let me just say...
that I would insure your marriage
any day of the week.
Mazel, you two. Good things.
Mazel Tov!
Oh, and, Lisa, don't tire him out
too bad on the honeymoon.
- I need this kid fresh when he gets back.
- [Laughing]
- Mazel, mazel! Good things.
- You know what, the truth is,
l've been waiting for this day
my entire life.
And about four and a half years ago,
I met a real estate agent named
Lisa Kramer,
who showed me an apartment,
which I rented
just so she'd go out with me.
I gave him a good price.
Yeah, not good enough.
She's a killer. No, seriously, um--
After about a month of dating,
I knew she was the one.
[Woman] Aw.
And I couldn't be happier...
that on this day that l've been
dreaming about for so long,
the woman l'm standing
next to... is you.
[Lisa Laughing]
Oh, my goodness!
I lost my shoe!
Look at this place!
Oh, it's so pretty!
lt's beautiful.
How's your bruise?
lt's okay.
You know, it's a little sore.
You know, they really should tell you
if they'rejust gonna let komodo dragons
run loose around the hotel.
Oh! How about this one?
Let's see. 'Recently renovated colonial
in Montclair, three-bedroom.'
Sweetie, remember?
We took a virtual tour of this one
on the lnternet.
lt was perfect,
but just a little pricey.
Oh, right, right. That's right.
lt's probably off the market anyway.
Why do you say that?
'Cause I bought it.
You what?
I bought it!
[Both Laughing]
Reuben, l'm in shock.
I mean, you just--you don't--
you don't do things like that.
You love it, right?
Yes, I do, but, Reuby--
We have a house!
Oh, my God,
we have a house!
- Hi. Hello.
- [Laughs]
- [French Accent]
How's it going?
- [Chuckles]
Uh, it's, uh, going great.
Thank you.
So I see you gang are new to the island.
I want to come have a meet with you,
show you my boat.
That is my boat there
on the sandbar.
- lt's very, uh, big.
- Yeah, it's pretty good size.
lt's good size.
So, tell me true,
are you guys for scuba?
What does that mean?
l'm like the unofficial
scuba king of St. Barts,
so if you are for scuba,
I take you out on the boat,
I show you the coral reef,
and we have kinda like a--
like a scuba party.
That sounds great,
but we're not certified,
so we're gonna have to pass.
That is no biggie.
I get you resort-certified
couple of hour.
- Oh, I have always wanted to try it.
- Yeah?
Good. My name is Claude.
What is, uh, you guys' name?
Uh, my name is Reuben.
This is my wife, Lisa.
'Leuban, '
I am here all afternoon.
All right, au revoir, Leuban, Lisa. Solid.
Hi. Hello.
How's it going?
Leuban! Lisa!
lsn't this exciting?
lt is. lt's fun.
You know what? I think l'm gonna
skip the scuba diving.
Reuben, no. You called eight hotels.
They all said that this guy was the best.
I know, but you know
how I am about boats,
and l'm feeling a little queasy.
Oh, no.
Your stomach's acting funny?
lt's okay now, but I think it might--
You know how it gets, you know?
So why don't you go?
We're on our honeymoon.
l'm not gonna go without you.
No! You've been wanting to try this.
I want you to go, okay?
lt'll be fun. l'll pick you up
like at 4:00, all right?
I love you.
I love you too.
Okay? Okay.
You're not for scuba, Leuban?
No, Claude.
- l'm gonna go run some errands in town.
- [Scoffs]
But you guys go. You have fun.
Can I talk to you for a second though?
- Of course.
- [No Audible Dialogue]
Hey, listen, this woman means more
to me than anything else in the world,
so be careful 'cause scuba can be
very dangerous if the proper
precautions aren't taken.
Leuban, look to me in my eyeball.
I promise you I take care of Lisa
as if she were my own flesh and blood.
Thank you.
Okay. Solid!
Okay. Solid.
All right? Are you ready?
Yeah, yeah.
So is there gonna be
a little boat that comes over--
Ha ha!
Au revoir, Leuban.
Bye-bye, honey!
I love you!
I love you!
Jammin; jammin; jammin'
l'm jammed
I hope you'rejammin'too
Jam's about my pride
and truth I cannot hide
To keep you satisfied
True love that now exist
is the love I can't resist
Lisa! Claude!
Sojam by my side
Guys? Hello!
Knock, knock!
[Metal Clanging]
Oh, my God.
[Lisa Moaning]
Ooh la la! Ooh la la!
[Glass Shatters]
Oh, my God!
Holy shit, Leuban!
This is not what it look like.
- You're staying on the island with Claude?
- l'm a little confused right now, Reuben.
I think I need a little time
just to figure things out.
What did you do to her?
Did you mess around with her
oxygen tanks or something?
I did nothing, Leuban.
My name is not 'Leuban'!
lt is 'Reuben'!
Look, we had a scuba,
we talk about life,
we drink some white wine.
We cannot help it.
lt is like love at first sight.
She make like the fire in my trouser.
- Ohh!
- What he's trying to say, Reuben,
is that we didn't plan it.
Reuben, itjust--it happened.
lt's like the story of the hippo.
l'm not familiar with that story.
The hippopotamus, he is not born
going, 'Cool bean, I am a hippo.'
No way,Jos.
So he tried to paint the stripe on himself
to be like the zebra, but he fool no one.
And then he tried to put the spot
on his skin to be like the leopard,
but everyone know he is a hippo.
So at certain point,
he look himself in the mirror,
and hejust say,
'Hey, I am a hippopotamus,
and there is nothing I can do about it.'
And as soon as he accepts this,
he live life happy.
Happy as a hippo.
You understand?
- l'm gonna kill you!
- Reuben! No, Reuben!
- [Gasps]
- Leuban, this is not the way!
You're gonna be fine, Reuben.
No, l'm not gonna be fine.
l'm not gonna be fine at all.
- [Engine Starts]
- And don't come back to me
when you've changed your mind!
'Cause this ship has sailed.
[Horn Honks]
Hey, Tina. Hey, Mitch.
Hey, Reub.
- Cheryl.
- Hey.
[Chattering Stops]
[Phone Ringing]
lndursky and Sons, how may I help you?
[Chattering Resumes]
How does everyone
know about this?
Your mother called Mr. lndursky
and told him what happened.
I am so sorry, Reuben.
Thanks, Gladys.
Come here.
Oh. Okay.
Thank you. All right.
I know, I know.
Fuck. Hey, there he is!
The big man's back.
Reub, come on in here.
I want to spitball something with you.
All right. Can you give me a minute, Stan?
l'm just gonna run to the men's room.
l'll join you.
I heard about your honeymoon.
Just terrible.
I knew that girl was a slut
the second I met her.
Yeah, well, you know,
it's kind of complicated.
Hey, don't make excuses.
She's a dime-store hooker,
and she always will be.
Just put it behind you.
Speaking of which,
you ever hear of a guy
named Leland Van Lew?
Um, Leland Van Lew.
Yeah, yeah.
Australian guy, right?
Um, was on the cover
of Forbes last year?
Yeah, he started one of
those high-tech, modem-scrotum,
God only knows what they do
companies anyway.
Jesus Christ. They want to take
the company public,
and if he wants to remain the C.E.O.
of a publicly held company,
guess what he needs.
Life insurance.
Bingo was his name.
All right, you want me
to check him out?
There's just one catch.
[Urinating Continues]
This Van Lew has
a reputation as a cowboy.
Apparently, he's one of these
extreme sports nuts.
So it's a long shot,
but if you can
pull this thing together,
might be a lot of dough in it for us,
maybe a little extra bonus for you,
help you with those house payments.
All right. Well, let's make sure
he checks out first and--
You see?
This is why you're the only one
I can trust with these jobs.
I was worried that you'd
been through hell and back
with that whore wife of yours.
You sure you don't need
some more time off?
Mm-hmm. l'm good.
Absolutely sure?
Yeah, no, l'm fine.
Yeah? All right?
All right, good things.
[Car Door Closes]
[Man On Megaphone]
Excuse me.
This is private property.
Oh, yeah. No, I know.
I just bought this house.
I move in next month.
Oh, sure. Mr. Phifer, right?
Yeah, but you can just call me Reuben.
- Okay, then.
Welcome to the neighborhood.
- Thanks.
[On Megaphone]
Sorry about your wife, Reuben.
First of all, I just want to say thank you
to everybody for coming out,
and this has just been
an incredible day and night.
lt's just so great to see all these people,
friends and family and--
[Doorbell Rings]
To tell you the truth, l've been
waiting for this day my entire life.
l'm so sorry, Reuben.
Oh. Thanks.
Thanks, Sandy.
Whatever you need,
l'm here for you, brother.
Thank you.
We're rolling.
Sound speed.
What the hell is this?
You remember Dustin and Vic.
- They're doing the
E! True Hollywood Story on me.
- Right.
Sorry about your wife.
Sandy, do you want us over here?
Put it over by the table.
Are you sure?
ls this better?
Oh, yeah, thanks.
Look, you can forget it.
l'm not going to a party.
What do you think is gonna happen?
Lisa's gonna come waltzing through
that door, saying she made a mistake?
No, of course not. l'm just---
l'm trying to make sense
out of what the hell she did.
I mean, what can I say?
You're my best friend.
Oh, oh! Hold on.
Let me see something here.
You're my partner.
You're my wife.
Man, it feels good to say that!
Ah, and, uh--
[Tape Rewinding]
You're my wife.
Man, it feels good to say that!
- What?
- Check out her expression.
She's terrified.
- She's smiling.
- l'm a student of acting, Reuben.
She's faking it.
The woman got spooked.
She needed to explore,
which is exactly what you're gonna do.
You've been given the gift of freedom.
Don't turn your back on that.
I don't want freedom, Sandy!
I want to be married!
I bought a goddamn house!
I got to move out of this apartment
in like six weeks!
- [Laughing]
- Look at her.
She's not thinking about having
a deep, committed relationship...
with a complex individual
like yourself.
- She's not?
- No! She's daydreaming about having
hot, shallow sex with a French nudist!
'Oh, l'm hugging.
Oh, I love you so much. 'Liar!
[Elevator Motor Whirring]
So whose party is this again?
lt's an art opening
for this Dutch guy,Jost.
His art sucks, but he used to sell me
really good pot.
Oh, man, l'm so friggin' horny.
Look,just don't
leave me alone, okay?
I haven't been to a party
by myself in a long time.
Relax. l'm your wingman.
l'll be right by your side
the whole time.
So what do we do?
Do we, like, get a drink...
or take a lap around the--
- More wine?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
- This party is so boring,
and there are no cute guys here.
I haven't noticed.
l'm appreciating the art.
l'm not looking for cute guys.
Oh, so you've sworn off men since
you dumped your last boyfriend?
He was not my boyfriend.
We went out for like three days.
lt was two months!
I hope he doesn't have
to buy that now.
Oh, my God!
I think I know that guy.
[Bell Rings]
You're Reuben Feffer, right?
Uh, yes.
l'm Polly... Prince.
We went to junior high
or middle school or
whatever it's called together.
You were next to me--
Yeah! Polly Prince!
No, it's coming back to me now.
You left before high school.
Yeah, after seventh grade.
My mom and l, we moved to Michigan.
And now you live here in New York?
Yeah, moved here
a few months ago.
So, you know-- Yup.
Friend of yours?
Yeah, that's Roxanne.
She does that with,
uh, bread, wine bottles and--
Anyway, uh, so what's your deal?
You've got to be married with kids...
and the whole thing.
No, l'm not. l'm single.
Yeah, I haven't taken the plunge.
- Oh.
- Can I talk to you for a sec?
Yeah. Hey, Sandy, this is Polly Prince.
Remember? From middle school?
Hey, how you doing?
Wow. Okay. Sandy Lyle.
Last time I saw you, you were
playing bagpipes in that movie.
Croco Tears.
Yep, that's me.
Polly, can I have a word with you?
Yeah. Sorry.
Excuse us.
What happened to you?
Reuben, l'm in a situation here.
We have to leave now.
No. Can we stay
a couple more minutes?
Dude, no.
This is serious.
I just sharted.
I don't know what that means.
I tried to fart
and a little shit came out.
I just sharted. Now let's go.
You're the most disgusting person
l've ever met in my life.
You have to walk around
and pour wine.
Focus for one second, okay?
l'm sorry.
So, hey, guy.
I got to go circulate.
Um, but-- So, Sandy,
you're good though?
You're still acting?
I am. Yeah. lt's going incredibly well.
l'm actually headlining a new revival
of jesus Christ Superstar.
That's great!
Well, it was really good
seeing you guys.
Yeah, you too.
Okay. See ya.
All right. Bye, Polly.
- Be good.
- Bye. More wine?
Polly Prince.
lt's funny, huh? Seeing her.
Are you okay?
Great. Thank you.
Huh. She looks good.
Let it rain!
So I did a lot of thinking last night,
and there's something
l'm pretty excited about.
What's up? Nice.
Let it rain!
I feel like I might be ready to move on.
You know, get my life back on track.
So, I am going to ask
Polly Prince on a date.
Oh, that's a mistake!
She's not right for you, dude.
Rain dance!
Hey, you guys
want to play some twos?
Actually, we're kind of
in the middle of a conversation, so--
You douche bags bring your 'A' game?
What was that?
l'm just messing with you,
sasquatch. Let's get it on.
Pick and roll! Pick and roll!
Outlet! Outlet!
Rain dance!
Sandy, come on.
Sandy! Sandy! Sandy!
White chocolate!
Old school!
'T.' ' T.'
Time-out. l'm burning.
My lungs are burning.
Time-out. Time-out.
So why do you think
Polly's so wrong for me?
You don't even know
this girl, Reuben.
You haven't seen her
since seventh grade.
How different could she be?
I mean, she was a senior delegate
at the Model U.N.
She was in the chess club.
She was a 'mathlete.'
Her yearbook stats are really impressive.
Did you see the tattoo on her back?
Yeah. So what?
Mathletes don't wear body art
like that. 'Nuff said. Ball in!
I really feel like
I ran into Polly for a reason.
Really. I mean, l'm sorry
if you don't agree, Sandy,
but I happen to believe
in a little thing called destiny.
You guys ready?
You know what? You think maybe
you could put your shirt back on?
You guys ready to play?
Good shot. Good shot.
Could I have the ball for a second?
Could I have the ball?
Hey, you know what?
Could we switch?
l'd rather not, dude. I just found out
how to cover this man right here, okay?
Come on, let's play.
Yes, can I get the number
for a Polly Prince, please?
Prince with a 'P.'
Okay, great.
And can I get the address as well?
[Line Ringing]
[Phone Ringing]
- Oh, shit!
- [Ringing Continues]
[Answering Machine]
Hi. This is Reuben.
I am unable to get
to the phone right now,
No! No!
but please leave a detailed message
after the beep.
lf you're calling for--
Yeah, l've always been this way
Never known any other way to feel
Got the right of way
And all of the others must yield
But l'm naked
And l'm in school
And I can't make it
To the door
[Cell Phone Beeps]
Gladys, I got to call you back.
Hi. This is so funny.
I didn't know you lived down here.
Yeah, yeah, I do.
Hey, do you live around here too?
Yeah. No, I don't.
I don't live down here.
Hey. Did you call me last night?
Um, no, I don't think so.
Are you sure?
'Cause I got a hang-up,
so I did that star-69 thingy,
and I swore I got your answering machine.
Really? You know,
I heard that from a few people.
So maybe, I don't know, the phone lines
got crossed or something.
Oh, you doing some shopping?
Oh. Yeah.
l-- Gosh. I spent like
And it's supposed to be like
specially made in Sweden or something.
So, yeah.
Would you like to go
to dinner sometime?
Oh, yeah. Okay.
You know, l'm not-- l'm not sure.
Okay. Really?
I mean, not that I wouldn't--
l'd like to.
lt'd be great to catch up
on stuff and all that. I just--
I got to check my schedule.
All right, well, how about
l'll give you my card.
Here you go.
And on the back l've written
my home and my cell number, so--
There's also a fax number.
Right on.
And, um, there's
a pager number too.
Reuben Feffer,
senior risk assessment 'analysist.'
Analyst. Analyst.
Right. Right.
- All right.
- [Keys Jingling]
- l'll see you.
- See ya.
See ya.
See you later.
Leland Van Lew's office.
This is Deborah.
Hey, Deborah. lt's Reuben Feffer from
lndursky and Sons calling for Mr. Van Lew.
Ah, right. The insurance man.
l'm afraid Leland's in the hospital.
He got bit while swimming
with great whites last week.
l'm sorry?
Swimming with who?
Great white sharks.
But don't worry.
lt was only a flesh wound.
[Phone Ringing]
He's due in Los Angeles next week.
Should I set something up for then?
Okay, you know what, Deborah?
Could you hang on one second, please?
No worries.
Reuben Feffer.
Hi, Reuben.
lt's Polly Prince.
Oh, hey, Polly! How's it going?
l'm just calling to say that, um,
l'm free tomorrow night
if you want to get together.
Yeah, I would love to get together.
That'd be great.
Should l, um--
Should I pick a restaurant or--
Oh, no, no. You know what?
I should probably just check
my schedule, see if I can even do it.
Okay. l'm--
Did you say you were free?
Yeah, no, l'm actually not sure.
But okay, l'll talk to you later.
Hello. Okay. Hello.
Hello, Polly?
One, two, three and--
What's the buzz
Tell me what's a-happenin'
What's the buzz
Tell me what's a-happenin'
What's the buzz
Tell me what's a-happenin'
What's the buzz
Tell me what's a-happenin'
What's the buzz
Tell me what's a-happenin'
What's the buzz
Tell me what's a-happenin'
Why should you want to know
Don't you mind about the future
Don't you try to think ahead
Uh, Sandy?
Save tomorrow for tomorrow
Think about today instead
l'm playing Jesus.
That's my song.
I know it's your song, but I felt something,
and I decided to go with it.
But you're playing Judas.
Judas. All right, look. Here's the deal.
l'm the star of the show, okay?
So if I decide to bust out a solo,
do me a favor and give me
the freedom to rock out.
From the top, okay, Wonsuk?
So the play's going well?
Yeah, I think it's gonna be fun.
I mean, I just wish they wouldn't
surround me with a bunch of amateurs.
Uh-huh. lsn't that like
the point of community theater?
Whatever, Reuben.
So l'm going on a date with Polly.
All right! Where are you taking her?
I don't know.
Some restaurant in the East Village.
She left the address on my machine.
How could you let Polly
pick the restaurant?
Well, I had no choice.
She called me, like, seven times...
to confirm and then cancel
and then confirm again.
Why? What's wrong with
letting her pick the place?
You've got irritable
bowel syndrome, dude.
lf she chose an ethnic restaurant,
you're gonna be running to
the bathroom every five seconds.
Oh, my God. You're right.
Thank you.
You know, I doubt it'll get this far,
but if she turns out to be
easier than I thought,
there's something
you need to know.
l'm not a virgin, Sandy.
No, not technically,
but times have changed
since you were last single.
Now, listen, when l'm making out
with a girl for the first time,
I like to give her
a little spankin'.
Nothing violent.
You just tap her real light
right on the tushy and say,
'Hey, l'm your daddy.
l'm your daddy.'
Listen to me.
What are you doing?
l'm blotting the grease.
That's the best part. Let me see that.
Listen, don't be shy.
- lt's just a little tap. lt's like saying,
'Boop, l'm your daddy.'
- l'm not gonna tap her.
Brings 'em right back to childhood.
Trust me, they're putty in your hands
after that.
I gotta tell you,
l'm really excited about this. Really.
I feel like this could be
one of those...
defining moments of my life
or something, you know?
Yeah, I actually think
it's not gonna work out,
but l'm pulling for you, Reub.
Just pray to God
she doesn't go ethnic.
The place didn't sound ethnic.
What was the name?
Al Hafez.
[Middle Eastern]
So when did you live in Morocco?
ln the late '90s. I bounced around
to a bunch of different places
over the past few years.
Oh, yeah? Like where?
Oh, God, where?
Let's see, Austin, lstanbul,
Sri Lanka, Portland,
Costa Rica, Buffalo,
a couple other places.
Wow. Were you in the Peace Corps?
No, I just like to move a lot.
I kinda get stir-crazy if l'm stuck
in one place for too long,
you know what I mean?
- Oh, yeah, completely.
- [Both Laughing]
No, remember?
You were the person who broke--
Oh, my God!
I can't believe
you remember that.
Oh, of course.
You were like the greatest delegate
in Model U.N. history.
I guess I did manage
to pass a few resolutions.
Are you okay? 'Cause you're
sweating pretty profusely.
Yeah, no, l'm fine.
I always react this way to spicy food.
Yeah, but I love it.
I can't believe you're not married.
I mean, even when we were kids,
I always saw you as that guy that would
settle down at a young age,you know?
You were always kinda like
an old young guy.
Yeah, well, it just hasn't happened.
[Stomach Growling]
But, uh, what about you?
You ever gotten close or--
To the whole marriage thing?
Oh, God, no. No way.
No,yeah, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
l'm not really big on the whole, um,
long-term commitment thing.
Mm-hmm. Why? Are you coming out
of a bad relationship or--
No, l'm kinda coming out of like
eight bad relationships.
- Eight?
- You sure I can't get you
a towel or something?
No, no. l'm good.
But if the right person came along,
things might be different, right?
Oh, yeah.
You're probably right.
[Stomach Growling]
Sorry. Um--
- Hey, you mind if I go to the men's room?
- Please.
Sure. Oh, gosh!
Occupied. l'm gonna
be here all night, dude.
All right, well, this is me.
Why don't you come upstairs and,
uh, l'll make you some coffee or tea.
Okay, great.
I just gotta find my keys here.
Oh, shoot.
- [Stomach Growling]
- They're right there, I hear 'em.
[Growling Continues]
Oh, yeah. Okay.
Oh, wow. This is great.
lt's so cozy.
Did you just move in or--
No. l've been here
about four months.
- [Yelps]
Rat! Rat in the house!
- Oh, no, no.
This is Rodolfo.
He's a ferret.
I got him in Sicily
at a flea market years ago.
He's old.
He can't really see anymore.
Cute. Hey, you mind
if I use your bathroom?
Oh, sure,yeah. Oh, actually,
that's not the bathroom.
- My bathroom's right here.
- Oh. Okay.
Yeah, 'cause I just, uh,
had a lot to drink, a lot of water.
l'll just be a second.
Okay, take your time.
[Door Closes]
Ohh! I don't believe this.
[Small Fart]
- Go away. Go away.
- [Squeaks]
Go! Go! Shoo! Poo!
- [Farting Continues]
- Oh, God.
[Squeaky Fart]
[Big Fart]
[Shower Running]
Oh, no.
[Shower Running]
[Toilet Flushes]
Oh, God, I beg you, please.
lf you make this water go down,
I will sit at your feet,
and I will serve you for all of eternity.
l'll adopt a Somalian kid,
or l'll work in Calcutta, or l'll--
Please,just make the water--
- No! No!
- [Squeaking]
Oh, my God!
This was fun.
lf l'd known your grandmother
had embroidered that towel,
I would've never--
Oh, really, you know what,
that's okay.
Okay, well--
Good night, Polly.
Good night, Reuben.
Good night.
Oh, okay.
All right, okay.
Oh. All right.
That's nice. Okay, so--
Dude, why would you make
number two in her apartment?
She asked me to come upstairs.
I mean, what should I have done?
[Woman Singing]
Tell her you're tired
and shag ass out of there.
I called her to apologize.
What was that?
I called her to apologize.
But it doesn't really matter
'cause I doubt she'll ever
want to see me again.
You know what?
I gotta call you back.
[Elevator Dings]
Mr. Van Lew?
Yes. Hi.
Reuben Feffer.
I recognized you
from the Forbes cover.
You're way early, sport.
Come on, then. Get in.
ls this the service elevator?
Yeah. I don't think we'll have a problem
with this insurance business.
Sure, I take chances, but, hey,
you can't build a successful business
without the occasional risk.
Oh, of course. What l'm trying to
determine are the kinds of risks
you actually do take.
I only take the calculated ones.
Trust me, I plan on being round
for ages yet.
Well, I know we'd really love
to give you a policy
if we can make it work.
We'll make it work, sport.
So, uh, what are we doing on the roof?
l'm just gonna do
a bit of a BASE jump.
Here. Keep the walkie
on channel 1 3, all right?
I don't know what you're talking about.
A BASE jump. A free-fall
from an inanimate object.
I always carry me chute
in case I find a good launching point.
Oh, no.
[Cell Phone Ringing]
All right, look,
just don't do anything, all right?
Reuben Feffer.
Hey, Reuben, it's Polly Prince.
Hey, Polly! How's it going?
l'll give you a shout
when l'm through, all right?
No! No, that's not all right.
Polly, can I call you back in a second?
Okay. I just wanted to tell you
I got your message, and you know what?
Let's just start over and forget about
that whole loofah thing.
Holy shit!
Oh! Holy shit!
I didn't like that loofah.
- [Screams]
- Relax. Leland's meeting with
the insurance guy right now.
- Oh!
- Oh, crap!
Oh, shit!
l'll just call you
in the next few days. Bye!
Leland to Feffer, Leland to Feffer.
You there, mate?
Yes, Feffer to Leland, hello?
Come on down
and give us a hand.
I think I might have
fractured me coccyx.
Oh, look at that.
You got me a new loofah.
Yeah, it's from Finland, and the salesman
said it has a very ergonomic design, so--
Oh, Reuben, that's really--
thank you-- really sweet.
Oh, my God! [Laughs]
I don't believe this!
Oh, what are you doing here?
We're having an early supper.
I wanted your father to try new cuisines.
Really? lt's only 3:00.
lt's a crime to beat
the dinner crowds?
Who is this young woman?
This is Polly Prince.
Polly, these are my parents.
lrving and Vivian Feffer.
Polly, it's so good meeting you.
- How are you?
- I can't believe you're eating lndian.
You hate spicy food.
- No, I don't, Mom.
- [No Audible Dialogue]
Well, l'm gonna-- Psst!
l'm gonna ask--
[Snaps Fingers]
l'm gonna ask this nice
Native American man
to get us a bigger table.
Mom, they're lndian.
You can call them lndian. lt's okay.
Hi. Need big table, please.
Four people.
Many thanks.
Now, how do you kids know each other?
I told you.
Mom, we went to middle school together.
We were both delegates in the Model U.N.
Oh, you still work in government, honey?
No, no. l'm a waitress.
- Mm.
- She's also writing a children's book.
Oh, very nice. Reu, you'll never guess
who I ran into yesterday.
Who's that?
Lisa's mother.
That's good. Hey, Dad, did you try this--
What is this stuff called?
- Sag.
- Sag. Did you try this?
Apparently, Lisa's doing wonderfully
down there in St. Barts,
- selling villas, happy.
- That's good for her.
- Now, who's Lisa?
- Nah.
- Not important.
- Lisa's Reuben's wife.
- Mm. Oh.
- She left him for another man
on their honeymoon.
- Oh.
- Are we ready for the check?
I think l'll take the check.
- [Sighs]
- What?
Well, you know,
your dad seems really nice.
Yes. A man of few words.
Hey, look, I just want you to know
I was gonna tell you about Lisa.
I just, um--
I was embarrassed, and l...
I guess 'cause I hadn't seen you
for so long and--
Oh, it's so okay.
I understand.
No, I was an idiot.
I should've just told you the truth
right from the start.
Reuben, l'm really-- l'm not upset.
But when did this happen?
Two weeks ago.
Two weeks ago?
Oh, my God!
Are you okay?
Well, it was a pretty big shock.
I walked in on her, on Lisa,
with, um, a scuba instructor
on the first day of our honeymoon.
They were still wearing their flippers.
I mean-- Ohh!
Hey, Reuben!
Uh, it's Polly... Prince.
Um, I don't know
if you have any plans tonight,
but if not, you should swing by,
uh, 37 Gansevort Street...
around 9:00
if you can make it.
You know, it's no big deal,
but it could be fun.
So, you know, think about it.
Okay, so, um, l'll see you later...
or not. I mean either way.
And-- Oh, if you do come,
you should wear comfortable shoes.
That is if you come.
But you totally don't have to.
I mean, I might not even be there.
I am so glad that you came.
Yeah. I wore my comfortable shoes
just like you said.
So what are we doing?
Oh, crap.
This place is a total secret.
lt is the best underground
salsa club in New York.
Yeah, you know,
l'm not really a big dancer.
I don't know--
Oh, come on. You know what?
lt's easier than it looks.
Oh! Oh, okay.
There you go.
Just feel it in your legs.
All right.
Okay. Ow!
Sorry, sorry.
That's okay.Just step on my feet
a little less than that.
Work it
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Looking good, Pollyanna.
- Hey,Javi.
- [Javi Mumbling]
You stop that.
This is my friend Reuben.
- Hey.
- This is Javi.
Hey, you mind if I dance
with the beautiful lady?
- Um, I guess not. Yeah.
- All right, thanks, man.
[Slow Tempo]
I think I might take off.
Are you having a bad time?
No, no, no!
l'm just not into this whole
dirty dancing thing.
What do you mean,
dirty dancing?
I saw that movie. I know that's what
you and that, uh, Spaniard were doing.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
First of all, he's Cuban,
and that wasn't dirty dancing,
that was just salsa.
Okay, it's just l'm just really,
truthfully not the kind of guy...
that's ever gonna be into
these kind of clubs or any--
Okay, Reuben, you know, then tell me,
what kind of guy are ya?
What kind of guy am l?
What do you mean?
Well, up until now, you haven't
exactly been the portrait of honesty,
so just come clean, okay?
Just tell me who you are.
I hate spicy food.
I knew it!
Yeah, I don't like it at all.
I have a mild case of l.B.S. and--
What is that?
lrritable bowel syndrome.
lrritable bowel syndrome.
Oh, God. That's terrible.
Um, what else?
Look, the thing is,
I assess risk for a living,
so I know that I have a .01 3% chance...
of being hit by a car
on my way home,
or a one in 46,000 chance
of falling through a subway grate.
So I try to manage that risk
by avoiding danger...
and having a plan and
knowing what my next move is,
and I guess you don't exactly
live your life that way.
No, I do it--
I do it a little differently.
Yeah, which is great.
But l'm not gonna ever be
a dirty dancer,
and I don't eat food
with my hands,
and I really like you, but I just don't think
this is gonna work out.
I just have to go pee.
[Water Running]
just kidding!
[Mock Chuckle]
[Woman Vocalizing]
Do it, do it
Do it again
Do it again
Let's do it again
I wanna do it again
Sometimes the rain
- Hey.
- Hi.
Like you and me, baby
Gettin'down with the sounds around
Oh, the smell
of the morning flower
As we pass away the hours
I wanna do it again
Do it again
Do it
Did you just spank me?
I don't-- No.
Are you sure?
'Cause it felt
like you just swatted me.
No, no, you--
I have a little crick in my wrist.
You just felt that little--
I was just--
Do you hear that?
Yeah. You hear that?
Well, I got it out.
[Mutters, lndistinct]
[Reuben Thinking]
Oh, wow. This is incredible.
Oh, man.
Oh, God.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, no! No, no.
You can't be done yet.
Come on, Reuben, focus.
You have to last at least five minutes here.
Four minutes, 27, 26, 25.
Two minutes 20, 1 9, 1 8, 1 7.
Come on.
You can do it.
Oh, God!
Yeah, 50! Whoo!
Let it rain!
I tell ya, I think I might end up
marrying this woman.
Really? After one night?
Did you spank her?
Yeah, I tried,
but I don't think she liked it.
Yeah, some women find it offensive.
I did not sleep with him
out of charity.
You weren't interested till you found out
his wife boned some other guy
on their honeymoon.
That's not it.
He is a kind, decent, solid guy.
l've never been
with anybody like that.
Still sounds like a charity boning. Hi.
Thank you.
Do you have to use the word
'bone' every time?
I use it when it's appropriate.
Have you ever heard of a guy
shouting out '50' when he orgasmed?
Okay, so throw pillows
go in this cabinet here.
Oh, you don't--
you don't sleep on these?
No, no, they're... decorative.
- For who?
- What do you mean?
You're the only one who sees them,
but you don't sleep on them.
Then you take them off the bed every night,
put 'em in a box, take them out of the box.
I just don't understand the point.
I don't know. I mean,
Lisa thought they looked nice.
Oh. I see.
I don't see what the big deal is.
They make the bed look nice.
What are you doing?
That's goose down!
l'm liberating you.
Try it.
l'm not gonna--
Just one stab. Come on.
See how you feel.
Come on!
This is ridiculous.
lt's not ridiculous.
lt's not like driving a knife into a pillow
is suddenly gonna make me feel--
Wow. That feels really good.
Huh? Right?
- What did I tell you?
- You know what? You're right.
Come on. Bigger one.
What is the point
of these things really?
No point.
They're stupid.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Ha! Ha! Ha!
I mean, what, am I running
a bed-and-breakfast?
Not anymore.
You know how many minutes a day...
I spend getting throw pillows
on and off the bed?
How many?
Four minutes in the morning,
four minutes at night.
That's eight minutes of my life.
I figured it out. lt's 56 minutes a week.
That's nearly two days of my life a year
I spent putting pillows on and off a stupid bed!
Ha! Ha!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Wait, wait, wait. You hit mattress.
- Oh, yeah.
You know what?
I really gotta go. l'm late.
[Reuben] What's wrong?
You lose your keys again?
No, they're just not
where I left them before.
Hey, why don't you use
that key finder I bought you?
Reuben, I don't...
I think it could help.
need the stupid key finder!
All right. Anyway,
I was thinking l'd come meet you.
Really? I thought you hated
dirty dancing clubs.
No, it's just salsa.
lt'll be fun. l'll watch.
Hey, what's that noise?
lt's the key finder, isn't it?
No, it's so not the key finder.
Yes, it is!
lt is not the key finder.
l'll see you later. Bye.
Yes, it--
Oh! How?
[Man Singing ln Spanish]
Hey, Reuby Tuesday.
Cmo ests?
Yeah. Doin' all right.
You know what? Actually,
me no ests too good,Javier.
I want you to stay away from Polly,
all right?
Find yourself another dance partner.
- Why?
- Why?
Because she and I are a couple, all right?
Yeah, we're dating.
And l'm not gonna let
some big shot salsa king...
sweep in with your mambo moves
and your Erik Estrada look...
and come in and try to take her away,
because l've had that happen before
and it's not gonna happen again.
- Reuben, I am gay.
- Hey, I don't care what you-- What?
l'm homosexual. My boyfriend Hector,
he plays the keyboards in the house band.
Hey, you think maybe
you could give me some salsa lessons?
You hated it.
No, I don't.
lt's just-- lt's very graphic
for a children's book.
You know, like this one:
'The Boy with a Nub for an Arm.'
Well, that one has a moral.
You know, to teach kids they gotta be careful
when they're playing with fireworks.
Right. No, and-and I think
it's brilliant, by the way. Seriously.
I mean, like,
you really convey...
the pain and the fear,
and I love the little doggy too.
But-- And I don't mean
this in a bad way.
Just what were you thinking?
So I put all the risks and rewards
into the program,
Okay. Right.
which helps me finalize
my recommendations.
'Leland Van Lew. '
Ooh! BASE jumping!
That is supposed to be so much fun.
That should be on the rewards side.
lt's one of the most dangerous activities
a human being can do.
Have you done it?
Have I parachuted off
the top of a building? No.
So how do you know
what it's like?
I don't.
Huh. lnteresting.
Would you like
some more bulgogi?
Yeah, thanks.
I actually like this.
Yeah, it's good.
You do?
[Vomiting Loudly]
Now you look like
a pro racquetballer.
How's that shirt fit, all right?
Uh, yeah, it's fine.
You know, I was thinking
maybe we can just sit and talk.
l'm not really
a big raquetball player.
No worries.
We'll just get up a bit of a sweat.
Have a few giggles.
- [Yelling]
- [Screams]
So l've been running the numbers,
and I gotta say...
things aren't looking
too good from our end.
Leland, I mean,
it's not just the BASE jumping.
lt's the heli-skiing,
volcano luging, shark diving.
Bottom line is, unless
you drastically alter your lifestyle,
we won't be able to insure you.
Reuben, I came to you
for a reason.
I was told that you had
more imagination...
than any of the other blokes
in the big firms--
that you analyze the man
and not just the numbers.
I guess I was wrong.
Are you trying to manipulate me?
Of course I am.
But I wanna hold onto me company.
- Oh!
- l'll tell you what.
l'm gonna be in Nantucket
at the end of the month.
You'll come up and be my guest
aboard the 'Roo Shooter.
Aboard the what?
My sailboat.
l'll take you for a bit of a sail,
give you a chance to really get to know me.
And I guarantee you
by the end of the weekend,
you'll know what a safe bet I really am.
Yeah, you know what?
Uh, you're bleeding pretty bad.
Yeah, I think l've swallowed
a tooth or something.
No. Got it.
Your serve.
So I tell Leland
we can't insure him.
He responds by
inviting me up to Nantucket
for some Death Ray Sailing Challenge.
Oh, we gotta go do that.
l've never been to Nantucket.
You wanna come?
I would-- Well, can-- ls that rude?
ls it all right if I invite myself?
No! That'd be great. Okay, good.
So you're actually gonna
commit to something in advance.
Yeah-- Oh.
Oh, my God.
Okay, yeah, I am.
I think that would be really fun.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doin'?
l'm-l'm gonna have some nuts.
No. You don't eat mixed nuts
at a bar. Everybody knows that.
What are you talking about?
Okay. Let's say, uh,
conservatively, I don't know,
Okay? lf they've been here
for even two weeks,
we're talking about...
their dirty hands into that bowl.
Dirty-- Why are their--
Why are their hands dirty?
On average, only one out of
every six people wash their hands
when they go to the bathroom.
Yeah, so when you think you're
innocently eating a little bar snack,
you're actually ingesting potentially
deadly bacteria from about
I mean, people wonder
why they get E. coli poisoning
or salmonella or hepatitis,
when all they gotta do
is look at the snack bowl
at their local watering hole.
l'm not being neurotic.
lt's an absolute hot zone in there.
How could you have eaten those?
l-l-l-l mean,
I made such a compelling argument.
I like to live life on the edge.
Oh. Thank you.
Yeah. You never know.
Reuben, I mean,
you don't have to do this.
I don't care that you--
that you don't know how to dance.
No, I thought l'd give it one last try.
Hey, Reuben. You ready?
What is happening?
- [Shouts ln Spanish]
- [Polly] What?
- [Singing ln Spanish]
- What are you doing?
Yi, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi!
I don't even know where that
'yi, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi' thing came from.
lt was just awesome.
Holy shit!
What are you doing here?
l'm back.
Who's this?
Who's this?
This is my girlfriend.
- You have a girlfriend?
- l'm not your girlfriend.
I mean, we'rejust kind of--
Hi, l'm Polly.
So, yeah.
You know, you guys probably have
a lot to talk about.
So l'm just gonna go.
No, no, no, no, no.
I don't want you to go.
That's okay. Please. I wanna go.
Bye, Lisa. Nice to meet you.
I don't--
I don't want you to go.
l'm just gonna--
You gotta talk about it.
l'm just gonna go.
I don't understand.
I mean, I thought--
I thought you were really happy with Claude.
l-l was for a few weeks.
But then all he ever talked about
was scuba diving.
- Really?
- I missed you.
I missed you too, but--
I mean, come on!
What was I supposed to do?
I moved on. l'm in a relationship.
- What, with that Polly person?
- Yeah.
She doesn't even
call herself your girlfriend.
She-- That's-- No.
She just doesn't like the phrasing.
Oh, okay. Okay.
Then let mejust ask you this.
Are you really gonna spend
the rest of your life with her?
I don't know, Lisa.
Because l'm ready
to do that with you, Reuben.
I made a mistake
and I took you for granted,
but I promise you that
I will never, ever hurt you again.
I love you, Reuben.
You know what?
I think, um--
I think you should, um,
go stay with your parents, okay,
'cause I gotta
be out of here in a week.
What are you talking about?
Where are you going?
Where am I going?
l'm going into the house, remember?
The house that I bought for us to live in.
Well, then, let's-let's do it together.
Let's go move into our house.
You don't just--
No, we can't just go-- I can't--
No. I can't--
I don't even know
what to say right now, okay? So--
lf you wanna get back together
with her,just let me know.
No, l'm not planning
on getting back together with her.
I wouldn't be seeing you
if I was planning--
lt's cool, you know?
You guys are married.
She came back.
All right, Polly--
How's it coming
with Herb Lazare, D.D.S.?
I haven't even gotten into it yet.
l'm-l'm still working on Van Lew.
Wait a minute. I thought
you decided on Van Lew two weeks ago.
We're presenting to AFLAC
on Wednesday.
Polly, can you hang on a second?
Just hang on one second.
No, I kinda have to go.
You better not be
bonus hunting on me, Reuben.
Bonus hunting?
Stan, the man's career is on the line.
I owe it to him to give him
a thorough analysis.
All right.
l'm going to Barbados
with my mistress for the weekend.
I want this Van Lew thing settled
by the time I get back. All right?
I am on it,
and l'm gonna make it happen.
Good things.
Good things.
[Dial Tone]
Oh, damn!
[Doorbell Rings]
Hey, pal.
Hey, Larry.
Lisa dropped this off for you.
Oh. Thanks.
[Reuben's Voice]
I met a real estate agent
named Lisa Kramer...
who showed me an apartment,
which I rentedjust so
she'd go out with me.
[Lisa's Voice]
I gave him a good price.
Yeah, not good enough.
She's a killer!
Hey, hey, hey, hey
I just can't believe
she came back.
[Continues, lndistinct]
Can we please just focus for a second?
l'm almost finished.
What's next?
Polly's career prospects.
Risky. She's writing a children's book
where kids get maimed.
Yeah, see, I think her lack of career
is actually a positive,
'cause she'd have more time
to spend with the kids.
You're skewing the numbers
in Polly's favor, Reuben.
Why are we even doing this?
Because l'm confused, Sandy.
I mean, my goddamn wife
shows up on my doorstep...
wanting to get back together,
Polly's freaking out.
I just wanna make sure
l'm making the right decision.
I don't see how putting these two girls
in the Riskmaster's gonna help you
make up your mind.
What's it say?
No way.
You should just cut your losses
and get back with Lisa.
Nah, I checked it, like, three times.
The program says she's the safer choice.
By the way, dude,
is your health okay?
I mean,
you're looking kind of thin.
Uh, no. Polly's been
making me eat ethnic food,
so l've been
throwing up a lot lately.
Polly Prince.
Polly Feffer.
Polly Prince-Feffer.
Come on. You can't cancel.
I thought you were so excited to go.
I know, but--
We fell in love with these
funny little Bolivian mud huts.
- Hold on.
- So we had our designer use
a similar color palette in here.
Hi. l'm sorry.
l'm on the phone.
Would you just please keep it--
So, also, you know what else?
lt's like I feel weird going away
for the weekend when
your wife's just come back into town.
I don't know why you're making this
into such a big deal.
I told you l'm not
getting back together with her.
So are you coming or not?
l'm coming.
All right.
Okay, bye.
Goddamn right
it's a beautiful day
Uh-huh, goddamn right
it's a beautiful day
[Continues, lndistinct]
You're pretty good at it.
You're a natural.
Oh! This is amazing!
Hey, Leland!
Are those storm clouds up ahead?
Nah. We might just get
a light dusting, that's all.
Nothing to write home about.
Are you sure you're all right?
Oh, no, l'm okay.
I don't think I have my sea legs yet.
l'll be out in a sec.
All right.
Oh, God.
So I know we haven't been
seeing each other that long,
but I really feel like
it's time we take things to the next level,
and l'd like you to consider
moving in with me.
Why don't we just--
Why don't we just move in together?
Oh, yeah. We're gonna
have ourselves a tussle.
Hey, Polly!
Oh, my God.
Rodolfo's in your toiletry kit!
Did you know that?
Did you pack him,
or did you-- did you--
What-What is this?
I mean, why am I in your computer...
on your Riskmaster thingy and--
Okay, you know what?
I can explain this, Polly.
Well, no, it's fascinating.
I learned a lot about myself.
l've learned that I have no career,
l'm flaky, I like ethnic food.
Polly, would you let me explain this?
Lisa came back, and l, you know,
l've been trying to figure things out.
What are you figuring out, Reuben?
Just about us and our future.
What are you talking about?
What future?
Reuben, come on!
This is a fling, you know?
Come on. What, did you think
we were gonna get married?
Whoa! Maybe...
I was gonna ask you
to move in with me first.
Oh, my God.
You expect me to move
to the suburbs with you?
Reuben, are you insane?
Whoa! Why is that so crazy?
People do that all the time.
They have kids,
they-they-they make plans,
they get married,
they buy houses.
You know what, though?
That's you, Reuben.
You do that, right?
That's what you do.
I don't live my life that way.
ls your lack of a plan
that different than my plan?
I don't--
I don't have a plan.
Yes, you do!
You're on the non-plan plan.
I am not on a non-plan plan!
You are too!
l've never met anybody more afraid
of committing to anything.
I mean, you were a senior delegate
at the Model U.N., Polly.
What the hell happened to you?
Come on, you mother!
You can do better than that!
l've been living my life, okay?
l've been in good relationships
and l've been in shitty ones,
and l've moved a lot,
and l've been happy
and l've been sad,
and l've been lonely,
and that's what l've been doing,
which is a lot more than I can say
for some freak who thinks...
he's gonna get the Ebola virus
from a bowl of mixed nuts.
Those nuts have pee on them!
lt's common sense!
Oh, trust me, that is
so far beyond common sense, Reuben.
You don't understand
what I grew up with.
I had a mother
who made me afraid of everything.
Okay, well, big deal, Reuben.
My dad had a whole second family.
- What?
- Yeah, on Long lsland.
A wife and kids
and a golden retriever.
A second family?
Whatever. Hey, you know what?
l'm, uh, glad I saw that.
I am.
'Cause you know what?
l'm gonna make this
really, uh, easy for you, Reuben.
I have, um--
I have no interest...
in getting married
and moving to the suburbs.
And, obviously, that's something
that's really important to you.
So here's what I think
your new plan should be.
I think you should
get back together with Lisa,
move into your house,
and move on with your life.
And-And, uh, I think
you guys will be really happy together.
Oh, dear Lord.
You're not making myjob
any easier, Leland.
Ah, come on, Reub.
Weather report said sunny skies.
Your sorry eyes
They cut through the bone
They make it hard
To leave you alone
[Polly On Answering Machine]
Hey, it's Polly... Prince.
Leave me a message, or call back,
or not.
You know, whatever.
Okay, bye.
Hey, Polly, it's me.
Listen, um,
I would like to talk to you,
all right?
'Cause I feel really bad
about what happened, and--
Just give me a call
on my cell phone, all right?
Baby,you're a lost
Baby,you're a lost
Baby,you're a lost cause
Hi. lt's Lisa.
Oh. Hey.
So, how's the house?
The house is, uh--
it's great.
Yeah, it's big,
but, you know, great.
Well, I can't wait to see it.
Hey, did you get the gift I sent you?
Yeah, I did. Thanks.
I really wanna
see you, Reuben.
I don't know, Lisa.
Let me think about it.
Fighting for a lost cause
[Man Over P.A.]
Ladies and gentlemen,
please take your seats.
The premiere ofJesus Christ Superstar
is about to begin.
Reuby Tuesday!
Cmo ests?
What are you doin' here?
What else?
Hector's playin' keyboards
in the band.
I didn't figure you
a fan of musical theater.
No, my friend Sandy Lyle
is in the show.
Hey, have you, um--
have you talked to Polly?
She was upset, bro.
Must've been some kind of fight, huh?
Yeah. I keep calling her up,
and she won't pick up the phone.
I don't know, I was thinking
about maybe dropping by tomorrow.
lt's a bit too late, papi.
She's leaving town in about two hours.
What? W-Why?
Where is she going?
I don't know.
She said good-bye.
That's it.
Hi. l'm sorry l'm late.
Oh, no. Yeah.
Hey,Javi, this is Lisa,
my... wife.
Her mother told me she was back.
You're doing the right thing here, Reub.
Relax, Mom.
l'm not promising anything.
lt's very exciting.
[Cell Phone Ringing]
Reuben Feffer.
Reuben, Stan.
Change of plan.
The meeting with Van Lew's board
and the AFLAC people's moved to 4:00.
I don't know if I can do that.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Get your ass over here!
[Over P.A.]
Good evening, folks.
Uh, l'm Sandy Lyle,
and l've got
a very special announcement.
Please note that in tonight's performance,
in addition to playing
the role ofJudas,
l'll be playing Jesus as well.
Thank you very much
and enjoy the show.
[Man] Sandy, what are you doing?
Wonsuk is playing Jesus.
lt's cool. l'm playing dual roles.
Give me your crown, okay, Wonsuk?
Screw you, Sandy!
You're a has-been.
No one even cares
you were in that stupid movie.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, shit! Aah!
[All Gasping]
judas is biting me!
What just happened in there?
I am a professional, Reuben,
and l'm not gonna put
my reputation on the line
for a group of freaking amateurs.
lt's always the same story
with you, huh, pal?
You did this one movie
a hundred years ago.
From then on, you thought
you were better than everybody else.
Why don't you let go?
Move on with your life.
lt's not about
what happened in the past...
or what you think
might happen in the future.
lt's about the ride, for Christ's sake.
There's no point going through
all this crap...
if you're not gonna
enjoy the ride.
And you know what?
When you least expect it,
something great might come along--
something better
than you even planned for.
You were funny as hell
playing those bagpipes, though.
Did I ever tell you that?
l-l don't think l've ever heard you
speak before, Mr. Feffer.
So, Reuby, we're gonna grab a bite
after your work thingamajigy?
No, Lisa.
I shouldn't have asked you
to come down here.
l'm not getting back together with you.
What are you talking about?
You screwed a scuba diving instructor
on our honeymoon.
I mean, what kind
of cold, heartless bitch...
would do that to someone they love?
l'd have to be an idiot
to get back together with you after that.
Oh, and by the way,
I destroyed all your little throw pillows.
Yeah, because throw pillows suck, okay?
They serve no purpose.
They're purely decorative.
Dude, that was incredible.
You're the one who told me
I should get back together with her.
Whatever you do,
don't ever take my advice again.
Your dad totally
put it in perspective for me.
I was barely famous back then,
and l'm never gonna be famous again.
What about your
E! True Hollywood Story?
The E! Channel doesn't even know
we're making this show.
What do you mean?
I hired Dustin and Vic myself.
And I was gonna try and sell it
to the network when l'm done.
You mean you're doing
an E! True Hollywood Story
on yourself?
Sandy, that's so--
That's the stupidest thing
l've ever heard.
I know. l'm such a loser.
Look, I need you to do something
for me that's really, really important.
So you gotta promise me
just this one time
you won't screw it up.
Reuben, l'm your wingman.
Whatever it is,
I will not let you down.
Your Reuben's proxy?
What the hell does that mean?
Now, he's dealing with a personal situation,
so he asked me to fill in.
Now, you gotta relax.
l'm a professional actor,
and these dudes
will never know the difference.
I can't freaking believe this is happening.
Be quiet, 'cause l'm...
tryin' to prepare.
l'm gonna vomit.
I am so sorry
for the delay, folks,
but one of our senior analysts,
Reuben Feffer,
had his spleen burst
just a few moments ago, and--
That's not good.
ls he gonna be all right?
Well, God willing, Leland.
But anyway, be that as it may,
we have Mr. Feffer's associate here,
Mr. Sanford Lyle,
who's been briefed on the case
and will present Reuben's recommendations.
Thank you, Stanley.
[Clearing Throat Loudly]
[Clearing Throat Loudly]
I just need a little bit of water.
[Slurps, Groans]
[Clearing Throat Loudly]
As you know,
this is a highly complex case.
Um, let me see here.
[Clearing Throat Loudly]
Yeah, on the plus side,
Leland's blood pressure is pretty solid.
And he's, uh, at a decent weight,
and he looks
pretty damn healthy, right?
And he's a sexy guy, right?
And he is sexually active
in the community.
[Honking, Tires Screeching]
- Polly?
-J.F.K., please.
[Rodolfo Chittering]
Let's not bullcrap each other.
On paper, Van Lew is one of
the riskiest sons ofbitches alive.
But, people,
we cannot sum up a man's life
with a bunch of numbers
on a computer screen.
All right, we all need to
look into our hearts and go,
'Do I think this dude is gonna die
in a few years or not?'
ls old Leland here
gonna fight off a man...
with the last name 'Reaper,'
first name--
who goes by the last name 'Reaper,'
first name 'Grim'?
Or will this BASE-jumping,
motocross-racing bastard die?
And the answer is no, friends,
which is why myself,
Reuben Feffer, Stan...
and all of us here
at lndurby and Friends...
are willing to lay our asses
on the line...
and proudly recommend
that Leland Van Lew...
receive fifty million dollars
in life and health...
and automobile insurance...
for a duration of no less than 20 years.
Hey, what do you think, guys?
Are you that kid from Crocodile Tears?
You're goddamn right I am.
I thought so.
lmpressive presentation.
He's insured.
Yeah! Bloody ripper!
Love ya, son!
Rodolfo, wait!
l'm so sorry!
[Beeping lntensifies]
Reuben, it's too late.
I have to be on a plane
in, like, 45 minutes.
I don't think
you really wanna leave here.
You have no idea what I want.
You left Rodolfo behind.
Does that mean anything to you?
Look, I made a mistake, all right?
I should've never put you in
the Riskmaster.
Truth is, no matter
what happened on our honeymoon,
you're much riskier
than Lisa could ever be.
Right. That's why
it's not gonna work out between us.
Reuben, you are a nice, safe,
conventional guy.
lt's not gonna work out.
I don't think
that's who I really am.
lt is, Reuben.
That's okay.
What do I have to do
to prove it to you? Huh?
What are you--
Oh, my God.
Hey, look.
Look, l'm eating nuts.
- What the hell are you doing?
- Those nuts aren't even dirty.
Since we've been together,
l've felt more uncomfortable,
out of place, embarrassed...
and just physically sick
than I have in my entire life.
But I couldn't have
gone through all that--
I couldn't have thrown up
if I wasn't in love with you.
Maybe you were right.
Maybe this is just a fling.
But if you get on that plane
and you go to Cincinnati...
or Tanzania
or wherever you're going,
we'll never know if
it could've been something more.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
No. Oh, no.
- Oh, Reuben.
- Please don't eat those.
No, really.
Oh, God.
I don't want you to go away, Polly.
l'm not gonna marry you, Reuben.
I don't wanna get married.
I just wanna take you to dinner...
sometime this week.
Can I pick the place?
Excuse me. Hi. Hello.
I see you two are new to the island.
I want to come have a meet--
Oh, my stars and stripe.
Oh, my God.
I cannot believe it is you.
This is Polly.
Hi, Polly.
I am Claude.
Wow. Hi.
So how's it goin'?
ln truth, uh,
it has been a little bit
tough noogies for me.
Lisa, she-- she broke my heart.
- l'm sorry to hear that.
- Ah. That is life, huh?
Well, you have to be like the hippo.
Exactly. Like the hippo.
So, let me guess.
You are here on honeymoon again?
This is your beautiful bride?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
We're just, uh--
We're just hangin' out.
Oh, come on.
lt's a little more serious than that.
Well, yeah.
l'm just sayin' we're not married.
- No, definitely not married.
But it's possible.
- lt is possible.
We're takin'things step by step,
seein'how they work out.
Okay, I don't really understand
what you are talking about,
but, uh, any chance
you are for scuba today?
You know what?
Actually, we are for scuba.
- No way,Jose!
- Yes way,Jose!
But we're goin' out with that guy.
Hey, Leland!
We'll be out there in a minute!
Ah, you know what?
As long as you are for scuba, Leuban,
I am happy.
Oh. Sweet.
So, au revoir, my good friend.
Okay. Hey.
Thank you for everything, Claude.
lt's good to see you again.
Good-bye, Polly.
Nice to meet you, Claude.
You as well.
So you ready?
Let's do it.