Along the Roadside (2013) Movie Script

This guy on the radio went
prattling on about
some second-hand
Freudian shit about how
adultery is the last
rebellious act left
to people in these
structured modern times.
You've got to get up, get out
and do something, man.
Yeah, I told him
I get these migraines.
Man, it's like a
phone in my head that
keeps ringing. You know?
Just ringing.
It's stress.
Ringing, ringing.
It builds up, man.
And nobody even answers.
Did you feel an
earthquake last night?
No I ain't feel nothing.
Well, the TV
said there was a 4.4,
and it hit at exactly 4:04 a.m.
That's creepy.
How did you not
feel anything though?
I don't know.
How did you feel it?
Man, your bed shakes.
Nigger, my bed
shakes every night.
Get the fuck out of here man.
Man, what you know
about that man?
Man I'm hitting switches on
bitches like I was
fixed with hydraulics
up and down like
a roller coaster.
Oh Tupac, huh?
You old hologram man singing.
Oh man, shit.
Now tell me again about
these little sex toys
you designed, man.
I didn't design
no sex toys, man.
Oh come on, man.
You know the toys,
the little dildo shit.
No, no, no, no.
I said there was
interest from a sex toy
manufacturer in an
ad that I designed.
It was just an ad, that's all,
but it could have been
for anything really.
Oh, what'd you call it?
Space Invader.
Yeah, new sci-fi movie.
Hey little cute ass Shelby girl
looking over here, man.
I'm going to take 10.
Man this nigger a bitch.
Hey, what's up?
How's it going?
Is that Douglas?
So, what's the deal?
Nothing I
just wanted to see you.
Well, I'll be home in a
couple of hours.
Baby -
How much?
Enough, all right?
Baby -
Yes, baby?
Could you imagine your
life without me?
That's a loaded question.
Baby -
Yes sweetie?
I'm pregnant.
You have insurance?
Maybe I should get you
a hotel room.
You know to thin the blood,
champagne and hot tub.
It's a poor woman's miscarriage.
Look, it's just not
the right time. Okay?
Look at me.
Look at me.
I love you. Okay?
The important thing is
that when it happens,
however it happens, it's
got to be the right time.
You've got to be ready.
I mean things have
to fall into place.
I mean come on, we
had an understsanding
about this.
I know.
We cool?
Yeah, we're cool.
You all right?
Fuck, I've got to run back.
So I'll see you tonight?
The postwar
generation found solace
in the austere arms
of existentialism.
It is the choice that
gives value to the act.
Seemed to be a grand
idea at the time.
For as Dostoevsky brilliantly
put it,.
Now Jean-Paul Sartre
on the other hand,
declared that a person
cannot define himself
by disappointed dreams,
miscarried hopes
or vain expectations.
So when this
disillusioned commie who
saw human nature in
all its shades of gray
was asked, "Who is
the hero of our time?"
His answer was simple, "It
is the man on the run."
You awake?
Baby -
I want it.
How bad do you want it?
I want... it.
Ah, no Sierrah come on.
We've already been through this.
Why not? Why
not give it a try?
Why not go through with it?
Go through with it?
You say it
like it's a good thing.
I mean come on Varnie.
It's not like you're
getting any younger.
I think it's time to start -
Time for what?
Time for me to give up on myself
and bury my fucking dreams?
I'm just saying.
No, that's what
you're saying though.
It's like, "This guy ain't
getting anywhere with his shit.
He needs to strap up,
put on a tie and get
a real job." Right?
That's bullshit, Varnie.
I've always supported you.
Don't make this about -
I'm not on your clock.
I understand that.
I'm not on
your fucking timeline.
I know you're not -
Do you understand me?
My timeline.
Do you understand me?
Varnie! Come on!
What if
it's a C-section?
You're the one who's
going to have to wear
a fucking tie for
the rest of your life
every time you go to the beach.
Well, it's my body and I'll
do what I want to do with it.
Yeah, well tell the doctor not
to put an extra stitch
for daddy because
this motherfucker is out.
Wait, you're leaving?
You about to fucking go?
Niggers ain't shit.
What Sierrah?
What do you want from me?
I just want to talk about it.
What? To let
you bury me alive
because you're fucking bored?
I'm not bored.
Well you think this fucking baby
is going to fix anything?
I don't need
a baby to fix anything.
What? Do you think
it's going to give you
some sort of meaning?
It will give us a meaning.
There is no fucking us.
Get that stupid fucking
idea out of your head.
Oh God, I just want us
to have it.
I'm having it.
You stupid bitch.
I'm having it.
You stupid bitch.
I'm having it.
You stupid fucking bitch.
I'm having it!
You stupid fucking bitch!
I'm having it!
You stupid fucking bitch!
You're like a string-a-long,
like a fucking
shitty-ass job.
It's your life Varnie.
I can't tell you what to do.
It's your decision, just
know that your child
will be out there rolling
just like one of your
product-less brands.
You can come by anytime you want
or if you want I
can give you a call.
Fuck you!
Good morning.
Are you with the rugby team?
Are you one of the players?
Uh, no. I
don't play rugby.
Why not?
I work at the post office.
Are you delivering?
Yes, I do but in Salzburg.
That's in Austria.
So, what are you doing here?
I'm here for Blonde Priest.
Blonde Priest.
Blonde Priest?
Are you like religious?
I love them all.
So you have a delivery
for a blonde priest?
No, I'm here for their concert.
You're here for
Blonde Priest concert?
Is that like a rock band?
Jawohl! F nf.
Actually they're kind of folky,
Americana, Dylan-ish.
They were originally
called Sweat Breads,
but they changed it.
They played two days ago.
Yes, I'm aware
of this, but you see
my flight was
cancelled or suspended
actually because of
another volcano in Iceland.
I'm sure it's been all
over the news here.
You see all flights
were grounded because
of the smoke.
On top of that I had to
get a connection Chicago
and that plane got
hit by a truck right
before take off.
Your plane got hit by a truck?
Yes. A loading
truck with luggage.
Like what the fuck?
One of the teamsters.
He was -
We all had to evacuate,
but anyways I was
hoping to replace these
tickets for the ones of
their next gig because
you know I missed
this one due to a
natural disaster,
and it states here
that I'm eligible
for an exchange or a refund,
but I don't want a refund.
You see, there's a
paragraph which states this.
So here and the original
plane ticket here.
I'm going to call my manager
and see what he can do.
He's a tough-ass puto.
, there's this
girl here who missed
the concert that was
here like two days ago
and she missed it because
like of the ice melting
or some shit like the
ozone layers so now she
wants us to buy her a
ticket to like Australia.
He'll be right here.
Thank you.
You see Terry,
in the poem Au Lecteur
that prefaces Le Fleurs
du Mal, Baudelaire
accuses his readers of
hypocrisy and of being
as guilty of sins and
lies as the poet himself.
And I quote, "If rape or
arson, poison or the knife
has woven a pleasing
patterns in the stuff
of the canvas we accept as life
it is because we are
not bold enough."
You're back?
Just to pick up some shit.
You look tired.
You look like a bus driver.
I've been stress eating a lot.
I get the wrong
e-mail and I kill
a jar of Nutella.
I started up a
Twitter for that thing.
I know. I've
got over 200 followers.
Most of them porn stars.
Your shit is in the garage
and your room is rented.
He was like,
"You got a nice accent
you can get away
with a lot of shit."
Because you know you
can be at the club
saying some foul stuff
to a woman and if
you're saying it to her
in a nice posh English
accent she'll still
think you're sexy.
Dad, I'm going to LA.
Moving actually.
I'll be staying with Cliff.
But what ain't
sexy is that Indian
sounding shit.
He was like, "No
woman wants some
guy on top of her going
oh I'm giving it to you.
Say my name, say Punjab."
Hey yo what's up nigger?
What you got nigger?
Hey yo! Hey
yo! MC Shit right here
check my shit out.
It's the hottest shit
on the streets for real.
What else you got nigger?
Yo Cool Cat Clay.
Hey yo I'm
telling you shit's just
10 bucks.
I'm telling you it's the
hottest shit out here.
For real. You need that MC Shit.
Yo my lady, peep that out.
Cool Cat Clay.
Yo that's the wrong -
What else you got nigger?
That's the wrong
shit I'm telling you.
This the hottest
shit right here.
MC Shit.
What else you got nigger?
You need this in your life.
First name
band, club name laser.
Yeah, it's just
like that guy on the streets
will tell us, man.
There's only two
ways out of the rain,
one shoulders or on a
stretcher, but right now -
Fuck! I've got to go cop.
Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! I'm here man.
If don't
report every five minutes
to a dispatcher police
patrol will come
and check on -
Look, I was
just on the phone man.
It must have just
expired a second ago.
It starts
blinking two minutes after it -
So what? Is that it?
- I
- Already have your -
Man, fuck you then.
Fuck out the way!
Everything all right?
Sir, I'm going to have to ask
you to step aside and -
Nobody talking
to your bitch ass, man.
I'm making sure she's all right.
I'm going
to ask you one more -
No, no, no, no.
There's no need.
It was my fault.
You see I'm daltonic.
I'm color blind.
I've developed a fear of
a completed sentence
ever since -
Yeah, I was
confused with the -
I was wondering how to
get to the train station.
I can take you there.
I'm heading that way, so -
Great! Great
yeah that's super.
You know you might be better off
if a police officer gave
you a ride ever since
you can't see -
We're cool. Thank you.
I win.
Thank you, really.
Is he following me?
You know I did feel the tension
between the two of you.
He thought I was a thug.
They are probably
trained to think that way.
He voted McCain and supports
that Florida pastor that wants
to burn the Koran.
It's nice, Oakland.
Are you fucking kidding me?
No. It's urban
decay and piercing
smell of urine, give
it so much character.
Yeah well in
English we say hood.
No, no, no. Hood.
Hood. Hood. Hood.
No forget it. Forget it.
So where you from?
I'm from Berlin,
Germany, but I live
in Austria.
Yes, near
Salzburg, a little town
called famous for making
Mozart balls.
You want to try one?
What are you talking about?
It's a ball of
green pistachio marzipan
covered in a layer
of nougat and dunked
in chocolate, made by
hand and because Salzburg
was Mozart's birth
town we put his
face on everything, even pills
for restless leg syndrome.
No, it's okay.
Go on, try one. It's good.
Hm. That's
some good shit.
Yeah. It's good, huh?
Yeah, das is good shit.
You know? Movies?
So what are
you doing here anyway?
Well, I was
supposed to be here two
days ago to attend a
Blonde Priest concert,
but I was stuck in Austria
because of the volcano.
No flights were allowed so
now I exchange the tickets.
I have two tickets and
I have to make it to
San Bernadino by tomorrow night.
That's when they perform.
So now I'm trying to
figure out how to get
there to see them play.
Do you know Blonde Priest?
I've never heard
them perform live.
But you don't know
how many times
I've played it out in my head.
Oh yeah?
It's going to be super.
Well I can drop you off in LA.
I mean I'm heading that way.
Yeah? would you?
Yeah, sure.
Thank you.
From there you can probably
catch a bus.
Yes or a train.
As long as you don't mind
sitting next to a guy
with an aluminum walker.
Thank you. Really.
No, it's fine.
I just want to piss
off this cop and
his little asshole vehicle.
Thank you.
Stop saying
thank you. Please.
Gratitude is a milder
form of revenge.
Say what's your name?
I'm sorry.
What's your name?
Oh, Nena. Like the band.
What band?
Nena, you know?
The first German new wave.
99 Luftballons
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
Hielt man fr Ufos aus dem All
Darum schickte ein General
'ne Fliegerstaffel hinterher -
Okay. Calm down.
What's your name?
With a V.
How cool.
You know if I guessed
by your name I'd
say you are the coolest guy.
If I guessed by your name I'd
say you were big and dyke.
The first impression
goes a long way.
The first thing I told you was
to fuck off.
Yeah, this is true but the
way in which you
unloaded your frustration
was very respectable.
You looked me
straight in the eyes
and it's off your chest.
Very few people can do that.
The rest of them internalize
and grow a canker sore.
Interesting perspective.
Yeah. That's
what I'm saying.
The perspective, you know?
Most people are unable
to shift the perspective
and that ability to
shift the perspective is
the true power, you know?
We see someone who's
dying of cancer
and it's tragic and
sad, but we never step
back to celebrate the
triumph of the cancer
or at least give it credit.
I mean you know the
little fucker resisted
all the treatments
and survived the chemo
and it won't want
to back down and let
anything get in the
way of its mission.
You know?
It fucking did what
it set out to do.
And that has its place.
I've got to download.
I've got to take a shit.
Yeah, it's
those balls you gave me.
Ah Mozartkugel.
You've got to
download some Mozart.
Just stop talking.
Drop some cards.
Do you feel better?
We'll see.
I got you a
large Pepto-Bismol,
three diet 7-ups a
dark chocolate brownie
and a chicken noodle soup.
Noted and appreciated.
And also I want to buy you
a pair of flip-flops.
Well I figured you're moving
to Los Angeles and
it is very convenient
on your foot. It's good
so which one you like?
What's your size?
Um, I don't know.
It depends you
know. On the shoe.
Let me see.
That's good.
You don't want to try them on?
No, no, no it's all right.
I can tell.
Just try it on.
I don't want to try them on.
You don't want to try them on?
Don't ask me the question I
just answered.
You will be safer
if you try them on.
I mean just to make
sure because this
is unlikely the place
you would return to
for an exchange in
case you find out
they don't fit.
Forget it.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
No problem. Just tell
me which one you like.
I don't give a fuck as long as
they're not pink.
Okay. Which ones are pink?
Are you kidding me?
I thought that
was an act back there
with the cop.
An act?
The cop.
No. No.
I was telling the truth.
I'm really Daltonic.
Get the fuck out of here.
I can't even get
a driver's license.
What color are your shoes?
Gray like everything else.
You hungry?
I could eat a stuffed camel.
That's officially
the biggest meat
in the world.
I didn't say let's get
genocidal on our stomachs.
I just figured we should go get
some grub.
It's stuffed with goats
and beef.
You know, I thought
about it a lot.
And you know maybe this
is the way the world
was meant to be seen.
I mean like me, I
mean the way I see it.
That's hardly the case.
I mean you know most
people see colors.
You're kind of like a
glitch in the system.
Like young republicans
or underhung black guys.
So, what else do
you do to distract
yourself when you're
not at the post office?
I play bass.
How's that going?
Oh, very fine.
I'm in a band.
Got a name?
Yeah, we make Sisyphus rock.
Sisyphus, you
know the guy who was
condemned by the gods
to forever roll a
rock to the top of the
mountain where the rock
would then fall back
of its own weight and
roll back down.
I guess they thought
there's no more dreadful
punishment than futile
and hopeless labor.
I named it.
After a futile
laborer of the underworld.
Camus said that,
"One always finds one's
burden again," and that
the struggle itself
towards the heights is
enough to fill a man's heart.
One must imagine Sisyphus happy.
I'm sure he's having a ball.
So where do you guys play?
On the weekends we play at
Is that a club?
An intersection, very busy.
We recorded a couple of demos.
It's not the best
quality, but all
of our friends seem to like it.
Yeah, but that's
like deaf and dumb
parents applauding
their retarded kids.
You know?
Do you want to hear
some Blonde Priest?
Sure, why not.
Is that how you get down?
Is that how you dance to it?
What do you think?
We've got to go.
I've got to bounce.
No, no, no,
no. I've got it.
I got it.
All right. So
this is all residential,
which means there's
no traffic lights,
but you've got to
look out for the kids.
Can you drive?
Right, right keep it straight.
Keep it straight.
This is super.
Yeah, but you've
got to do it right though.
Hold on a second.
Like that.
Now take this hand
off the wheel.
There you go. That's
called dipping.
Yeah, dipping -
Dipping and tripping.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm dipping.
Yeah, you're dipping.
We've got to bump
some shit though.
I have some good shit in here
like one of those shits.
No, no, no that's not working.
Let's try some of this.
There you go. Now
you're gangster.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, okay don't do that.
That's not gangster.
True that. True that.
Okay don't let go of the wheel.
Let's trip up some white people.
Yeah, you do that.
More beat.
Make it bounce.
Yeah it's not that kind of car.
We need to make this
right. Okay nice and slow.
I got it. I got it.
Just tell me when it's green.
Go ahead and
make this right turn.
Careful watch out for the car.
All right keep it
straight. Keep it straight.
You want to make the
next right before
the intersection.
Fuck, there's a bus behind you.
Just pull over. Pull over.
Pull over.
Pull over! Pull over!
Stop! Stop! Stop!
Brakes, brakes, brakes!
What the fuck was that?
I'm sorry.
We missed the bus.
Sorry guys.
I'm so sorry.
He had interview.
When's the next bus?
For the job.
With the manager.
She got excited seeing Mexicans.
Oh, we are from El Salvador.
Same -
Shit, yes. Same, no.
Listen, I'm
sure there's a bus every
15 minutes.
Can we give him a ride?
Where do you need to be?
The Hotel Sheraton.
The Sheraton? That's
really out of the way,
but I can get you guys there.
Can you fit in the back.
Sure, sure amigo.
I can fit my whole family.
My name is Regis.
This is my son Oswaldinho.
He's the best. He's
like me. The best.
Oswaldinho, he was away
for a couple of years.
He was at the university.
What did you study?
Oh, he don't
like to talk too much.
He, how you say a deep
thinker, like his madre.
You know kids now a days.
He make some mistakes,
but now he's back
and he has a little nina.
Your girlfriend?
Oh, no, no. Es su beb.
Yeah. I have the picture.
Oh, look at the baby.
Yes, she is very cute
and very quiet too.
Varnie, look at the baby.
Yes, he is going
to have another baby.
His wife gordita.
Oh yes. She is the best.
I'd like three
kids. One of each.
Yes, well you know Oswaldinho,
he had to get a job first.
He can become the
valet or maybe he
can go into the kitchen
and help the chef
with the dishes and
then maybe he can
become the engineer
or maybe even the
chief engineer and
then maybe one day
the manager.
So what do you do Senor Varnie?
I'm a designer.
He is the best. He
make a lot of money.
What about you Regis?
Me I am the engineer.
My husband is the engineer.
I start as the
valet and then I get
the tips and then I got
the tools, then the pass
key and everything.
I am the best.
The call to me on the radio.
They say, "Senor
Regis code one."
I call back and I
say, "10-4," like the
general then I go
and I fix the toilet.
They used to call
it the code brown,
but then they
decided to change it.
What is it that you design?
Why brands? How
do you go about it?
Well, you know
brands set the tone.
I mean if you go to a
museum and see some art
the vast majority of
people are going to
look at the little title card
with the artist's name on it
before they ever pay
attention to the painting
that's in front of it.
I like expressionists
and the wonderful
ways they apply gray.
That's where I come in.
With an already built up brand,
a productless brand,
a brand you could just
attach your product
to, any product and
like that their friends.
Because they've got the
following the brand came with
because see people have
always heard of it.
They just didn't know
what it stood for.
Anything I might know about?
Well if you've ever heard of.
I regret that's not
too familiar.
Well, I sold that
one to a perfum company
in the bay area.
Right? Yeah,
I had the whole
production going on.
Check this out.
And those are
a bunch of web sites,
a bunch of web sites.
I've got a novel,
an idea a preface, a
cover design.
Someone just needs to write it.
That's why I'm moving to
LA to snag some investors.
I've got a fucking movie.
Daniel Craig
starring as Vladimir Putin.
Yeah. The mad Russian.
So the whole world can feel
my truth.
Are you on Facebook?
Fuck no.
Ooh. What's this?
Oh, that's an old Russian
aircraft carrier converted
into a hotel/brothel/casino.
I want to apply for a job there.
But again that
could be anything really.
Dude, you are a genius.
But I'm broke
and there's a lot of
idiots out there making bank.
Like Ben Stiller.
Yeah give me
YouTube, some radio time,
billboards and I can
fill up a sports arena
with an audience ready
for a concert for a band
that doesn't even exist.
Fuck, I'd go.
I don't know if you're trying to
salute the furor or
give me a high five.
Yes five, funf.
I'm not going to
debate you, Nena.
Hipsters are not
saving the world.
Fucking mincing around.
You see that little
club right there?
Chill spot right?
Very fine indeed.
Yeah, well it's
very high on the DBS.
Douche bag scale.
Douche bag scale?
Yeah, I mean look at the facial
expressions, look
at their clothes.
Looks at those
jeans for God sakes.
What is that shit?
You fart you blow
your shoes off.
Do you feel diminished by
their shortcomings?
What else bothers you about LA?
Bikers, joggers, Armenian
cab drivers, veggie
juice, Persians, cops,
traffic, bums, TV
producers who wear Crocs,
Mexicans who don't speak
any fucking English,
unemployed actors, all
those frozen yogurt places,
bums. What about yourself?
This is my first time here.
I mean in general.
What's the one
thing to date that's
disappointed you the most?
The fall of Troy.
Do you have a girlfriend?
I go to some games but I'm
not a season ticket holder.
I see.
I kind of look
at myself like a sailor
who's left one shore
but hasn't quite
reached the other one.
You know what I mean?
I mean it's like the
original ideas that
before I drop an anchor,
settle down I mean,
I've got to spread
my wings first.
Set aside some dough,
enough to buy freedom.
Then I'd go to Philadelphia.
Why Philadelphia?
Because I always wanted to climb
those rocky steps. You know?
Get to the top, flex,
then I'd take a year off,
travel, visit every
country, stop in every bar
and have a drink, then fuck
a girl in each country.
That way I could see
the world and fuck it.
That's what's up.
You know? Most dreams
are spawned as an issue really.
Some sort of complex
developed at an early age
and now you've got
a knot sitting in
your stomach like
a harpooned seal
waiting for its grand showdown
with the world.
It throbs underneath
your skin like a lost
and captured moth beating
away against the glass
over and over again,
but you see it's only
when we part from it that
we grow, only when we
abandon our plan A and
try to make something
out of plan B or
C or D, you know.
What do we get there?
I mean.
You know?
What's along the roadside.
I'm not sure I'll ever stop
wondering about
girls who pass by.
You know the ones
you see for only
about a couple of
seconds walking down
the street, sitting in
a car at a red light,
playing with their
phones in a cafe.
It's for those couple of
seconds that your eyes
beg you to let you
steal more of her.
I fall in love maybe 15
times a day on average
and it's those girls, I
believe, are all we'll
ever know about true
love on this earth,
in this life.
We are the
creatures of appetite.
You like chicken?
Yeah. I love chicken.
Until I was 12 I
thought they could fly.
My cousin used to
refer to me as a
fat little chicken.
I also became a
member of an animal
right group called
Kentucky Free Chicken
but it turned out to
be a fake, a scam.
Is that right?
Well I'm taking you
to Cousin Cliff's.
Yeah. Cousin
Cliff is good.
I ate there before. They
have one in Germany.
I'll be sure
to let him know that.
What's up cuz?
You could have
parked in the rear.
Oh, that's
fine. That's fine.
Who is this?
Hi. I'm Nena.
Nena. Like
the band right?
You know Nena?
Yes, I fucked the
shit out of the drummer.
I think religion is
making a comeback.
The internet, Facebook, Twitter.
Even the fucking Pope
is going like that shit,
follow that.
My dear friend Caspian
made a trip to New York
to see this shaman who
was telling him about
Jainism, which preaches
that there are 30
heavens and seven hells
layered throughout our lives.
He was going to teach
him how to fly through
spheres and hear
cosmic bells and shit.
Then he told him
which forms to fill out.
I'm serious.
Actually Blonde
Priest is just a name
of the band.
It's a band.
Is it a German band?
American actually.
Most of the time it's
just one guy with a guitar
and the name Priest
comes from an old
theory that a good joke
is like a disguised priest
that weds every couple,
especially couples
whose relatives disapprove.
I'll drink to that.
I'm not even baptized.
I was told that when
they tried to baptize
me when I was a kid I took
a shit in priest's hands.
Well let me
tell you something girl
you missing out because
as one of my clients says,
"Thank God I was
raised Catholic because
sex will always be dirty."
Well there's some -
You know what
the new religion is?
Green, environmentally friendly,
organic shit, recycling.
Just ignore him.
What if you do everything right,
you die and you go to
heaven, you get there
and there's a little
old Christian lady,
a three-legged
dog and that's it.
Their songs are
like sex you know?
They start very shy and
then the melody slides
in and it's like...
it stirs your heart.
Making the light
burst all over us all
and you just want to play
it again, over and over
and over again.
Then you get sick of it and you
have to find a new song.
Thanks love.
Put your hair down you look
like a fucking samurai.
What's with this banging shit?
That's Miyoko's boy.
He's 14 I swear to God
he's like tossing it
six times a day at least.
I didn't know she had a kid.
He's lost like 35
pounds since they've been here.
Bless her offspring.
If I had known I would have
brought him something.
A pogostick.
He makes it
seem like he's working
on a science project,
building some shit.
You know he's from
Mongolia and they lived
in a circular tent.
A yurt!
Even his mom,
she sometimes picks up
a brush and start
painting compulsively.
Sick shit like pigeons
rolled up in newspaper.
Then she starts
singing Abba songs.
Pugs liked billboards. Yes.
Poor pugs.
He was my dog,
Pugsley. He passed.
Someone put poison
in his coffee.
Fuck them.
Your dog drank coffee?
Coffee, whiskey, vodka.
Pugsley was the shit.
He was raped by a
pitbull and had his
balls bitten off by a
yorkie but not once,
never gave up.
I used to ride around
all over town looking
for the best deal on cremation.
Them fuckers.
This one place was asking $1500.
Fuck them.
I was like sweetie is this some
sort of deal? Like can
I get a two for one?
That's so niggardly.
I think it's great.
I am very niggardly myself.
What are you talking about?
It means being
able to find a bargain.
Some people call it cheap,
but I like it buying
shirts at the gas station
or eating strictly
at restaurants
that has pictures
of food on the menu.
Sweetie, where did
you learn your English?
Woody Allen movies.
Many words like
adventitious, hebetudinous.
My aunt got the custody
of her ex-husband's
collection when he left her.
He used to manage a
local cinematic and
was quite a Woody fan.
Is Woody still
married to his daughter?
She's not his daughter.
You see his ex-girlfriend's
adopted daughter
whom he never fathered.
Don't listen to her Cliff.
She'll make genocide
sound like a really
good idea.
And I think it's
beautiful and brave
because he could have picked any
prepossessing little
waitress who wants
to make it in the movies,
but no he went out
on the brink.
He took the blows from
the public because,
you know?
The heart wants what it wants.
I hate that phrase.
It's like the woman who
had a baby when she was 63
but couldn't breastfeed
because her arms were
too short.
Cop, cop, cop, cop.
Ah fuck.
Oh I was with a cop once.
I can't fucking believe this.
He was so young
and funny. So buff.
Okay. Calm down.
But he was short as shit.
Sir, please take
the key out of the ignition
and throw it on the street.
Nice and slow.
Keep your hands
where I can see them.
Are you aware that you were
driving with a taillight out?
No. I mean what?
How would you even know -
Could you please
describe for me exactly
the last car you
saw in front of you.
It was a Toyota.
Sure, I guess.
Pretty beat up?
It seemed new.
Light blue, silverish?
It was black.
That was him.
You have any drugs in the car?
What's your name?
Yeah? Cliff,
why don't you step out
onto the sidewalk for me, huh?
Come on.
Out of the car Cliff.
Yo, what is this shit?
You! Turn around!
No one should see your face.
On the hood Cliff. Come on.
You got anything
on you I'm going to
stick myself with Cliff?
You packing any heat?
You got a gun on you Cliff?
Straps, anything like that?
You got a blow gun?
What the fuck?
Keep walking lady.
Keep walking.
Tell me Cliff, why
is it Asian babies
always look so confused?
You all right?
Why you walking
around with a cucumber
in your pocket while the
world's falling apart?
Well I -
I use it for gin and tonics.
For a relaxing time, making it a
Am I right?
It's either that or
you're whacking off
in the closet.
Do you know what the best part
about masturbation is?
It's the cuddling afterwards.
What's that?
Woody Allen.
It's a funny anecdotal.
Where you from?
I'm from Berlin,
Germany but I live
in Austria.
How long you been
in the United States?
For two days.
Show me how you suck a cock.
Spit your gum out.
Spit your gum out
and show me with
your mouth how you suck a cock.
I'm not chewing gum.
Spit it out. Show
me how you suck a cock.
That's shit man.
I fucking knew it.
Whoa. Whoa.
What's the deal here?
Mitts. Pleasure to
make your acquaintance.
How did I do?
How was that?
What the hell
is going on here Mitts?
I'm an actor.
I'm in this play
and I play a cop. All right?
And in the first part of the
play I arrest some people
and then five acts later
for about two minutes
I come back in and I
arrest some more people.
The rest of the time I'm
just kind of walking around
on the streets bored.
So, you figured
you would fuck with us?
Fuck is such a
strong like negative -
I don't -
It's more of an
energy that I exude.
You know?
I just try to act. That's
the dream, the passion.
You method motherfucker.
You guys want to
come check it out?
It's pretty fucking awesome.
This chick Angela shows
her tits at the end.
There's plenty of
seats. I'll get you in.
It's not a money thing.
We have previous committments.
Little weird for a play though.
I'm not sure you would
like it, but I think
you might.
Check this out.
Cadillac, panda bear,
seven Belgian milk
peddlers sodomizing the panda.
I think it's
political, but I'm not
entirely sure.
Sounds like a sublime piece.
It's a little pervertito.
If you know what I mean.
You should take Miyoko.
Fucking weird if you don't.
We've got to go.
Where you going?
The party.
Can I come?
Fuck no.
You can take my jacket.
Yes, yes!
Are you fucking kidding me?
It's Paco Rabanne.
Wait, wait,
wait. Hold up.
What about your play?
Cliff, what the fuck man?
This is happening.
I'm making this happening.
This is happening.
- He's tall.
- Let's do this.
Yes Cliff, but I think
like a short man.
I was in a bunch
of deleted scenes
in the movie Limitless.
That's the one where
Bradley Cooper discovers
this clear little pill
and it allows him 100%
of his brain function
and basically he just
becomes Charlie Sheen.
I also had this one
commercial, but they wanted
me to wear like
an Ed Hardy shirt.
So I was just like, "Fuck that."
Did you ever notice that
an Acura symbol looks
exactly like a pussy?
It's just upside down.
That's silly.
German porn. That's all
I'm saying. Yah. Yah.
Vicious, you
need to pitch to Frank.
He's got that gunslinger
mentality. Push, push, push.
Make a deal. Make a deal.
Make a
deal. I'm about it.
Oh, I'll be right back.
I'm all over it.
You push. I'll deal.
Or you can deal.
Whatever you're feeling.
You complete me.
Is that him?
What the fuck am
I smiling at him for then?
Okay that was Armando.
He goes under Armand.
He's in fashion, one
of them fashion guys.
He owns a store or
something, Toilet Tablet 2000
Flushes or some shit.
But fashion though.
He's a nice guy.
Fucking flamer. Nice though.
Got to look away from the lens.
Got to be aloof.
You know I never know where
to look when I'm
eating a banana.
Where you been?
Oh, I was in the restroom.
I was downloading.
You are such
a cute little person.
You know Varnie
is also an artist.
I think he's very brave.
I'm going to browse.
All right super star.
Don't give up that
gorgeous ass for under
100 bucks.
I will not!
Wait, he had
an ugly orgasm face?
Yeah, a weasel face.
Pointy mouth, squished face.
Oh, I've had worse.
Lizard face, mouth wide,
fucking neck tendons
sticking out.
Beaver face. Chin all
tucked in, buck teeth.
Oh, wait monkey face.
Pursed lips.
Fucking ew.
So why do guys flex when
you touch their arm?
It's just there.
Just there.
Hey, what's up?
Just browsing you know?
Hey, you want to dance?
I'm kind of
networking right now.
So -
But it looks like I'm going
to leave soon.
I spoke with cousin
Cliff so you can
stay at his place
tonight, no problems.
You can stay with those guys.
You can stay here
and hang with Mitts.
Is that cool?
Yeah. Yeah. No worries.
I'll show him how to
suck a guy's cock.
He's actually a nice guy.
Bad actor, but nice guy.
All right. Cool.
I'll see you in the morning.
Cool. Cool.
You having fun?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's a guy in
the corner playing
with a little train inside so -
Do they have pianos in Cuba?
Because you can't
play worth a fuck.
Just kidding. I'm just kidding.
Did you know Fidel
Castro started out
as an actor.
Are you trying to relate?
Yeah. I'm trying
to relate to you.
An Esther
Williams picture called
Easy to Wed.
Are you an actor too?
There can be only one.
Fuck my
wife? Fuck my wife?
De Niro!
Thank you.
Raging Bull.
How do you not know this?
All right I've got one for you.
All right. Go for it.
Natural Born Killers.
Come on.
You still -
You didn't know that?
I've got
one. I've got one.
Go for it.
I want to take his face off.
Nipples of Venus.
What do you think?
I feel there's something wanton.
Gauguin was an immature artist.
It's like something, something.
It doesn't make any sense.
Any fucking sense.
You know the reason
is about 17th on the
list of attributes that
defines us as a species.
I know honey, you're confused.
Where you from?
I'm from Berlin,
Germany, but I live in Austria.
Oh shit.
Sprechen sie deutsch?
I feel like
I should bang my heels.
Look I'm a very
special guy. What's up?
What do you say we
take a walk outside.
I'll show you around.
You're kind of cute.
Hm, what do you say?
Good times.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You like
it don't you sweetheart?
She doesn't want to go man.
Come on.
What do you fucking care?
I should go into my fake limp.
Have a good night.
Oh are we cool now?
Are we boys?
Oh, oh, oh that's my boy.
Hey, hey chill.
Oh, oh big boy like the Hulk.
Oh big boy. Oh big boy.
Okay, okay.
Oh, oh hey.
It's okay man.
It's not okay,
you fucking pendejo.
Migra. Migra. Migra.
That's racist.
Migra. Migra. Migra.
Here, go wait in the car.
Where's Cliff?
Cliff, where is he?
He took off with
Mr. Potato Head earlier.
Is she going to be okay?
Yeah, we're just,
we're going to take off.
What about you?
You going to be all right?
Yeah. Yeah I'm
going to get in with
this Brazilian chick.
It's an ordeal, but
I'm going to pull that.
Yeah. I'm going to
need my utility belt
from your car
before you take off.
How's your head?
It's all right.
I'm a trooper.
Let me see.
Do you have any
napkin or Kleenex?
You're a girl you're supposed
to carry that shit with you.
Come on let's get
you cleaned up.
Why do you carry two
tickets for that concert?
I was hoping to
give one away. You know?
To someone.
Can I have it?
A girl can dream can't she?
We're crossing the LA river.
Which apparently exists.
I mean sure but it's
like dreaming of being
a bullfighter when
you're born in like Japan
or England.
The best dreams
are the ones that
grow old with us.
Yeah, but
reality is a grim place.
Yeah, this is true.
But it's the only place
where you can get mochi.
Mochi. It's a
Japanese icecream,
but it's light like a vegetable
that dies and gives itself.
Looks like a scrotum
that died and gave itself.
If I was food I would be mochi.
Look, nothing personal.
I try not to take
anything personally.
Mm, I think that nothing is
personal for that matter.
Somebody says fuck you.
It's not about you.
They've got their
own thing going on.
Or an of self esteem.
Your boyfriend cheated on you.
Stop looking inwards.
Why not ask one's self,
has he had a good time?
And hope that he
had the best time,
that she did a super
job emptying him out
and that it was worth
it and really mean it.
I think there
is girlfriend material
in you after all.
I know there is.
Can I have some
more of that Japanese shit?
Mochi, thanks.
So nice.
You know what?
I mean you're right.
People are consumed
with this fucked up need
to be themselves some sort
of illusion of a meaning.
You know?
Kind of like I don't
know Mexicans that
start those car clubs.
Or the guys with
chest hair that call it
the love carpet.
Right. So
you understand.
Yes, you are a little reserved.
As long as we
are on the same page.
Oh yeah.
You don't expect me to -
I don't expect you to.
Right. Cool.
You know go all
you can eat buffet on me.
Listen you little
dirty minded kraut.
That's how rumors get started.
Listen, there's a line in me.
That line separates
everything that is public
domain from what
belongs only to me.
You have to sense that line.
Life happens on that line.
Don't try to cross it
or pull me over it.
You want to meet me on
that line then stay there.
Do not reach.
I can get there on my own.
Besides, people try
to manipulate others
into crossing that
line to be what they
want them to be.
So, let's just stay out
of each other's shit.
I'm completely lovable.
Varnie, how about this one?
Available immediately
in Englewood.
One bedroom basement apartment
with separate entrance.
Tastefully decorated
with modern decor.
Approximately 650 square
feet, security bars
installed for your
safety and to prevent
unauthorized activity.
Closed circuit camera installed
for security and safety.
One in your suite, one
at the entrance and
one in the exercise yard.
Rent is $850 a month.
Security deposit required
as well plus first
and last rent.
I don't make the rules,
I'm just a fat black woman.
What else?
That's it.
There's a number for
and a full-page ad
for a pack of Newports
with picture of President Obama.
I love his name, Barrack Obama.
That right there says power.
It sounds like he
should be finding a
lawyer this weekend.
Do you have another one?
I'm not a
fucking mechanic, Nena.
Do you have any sunblocker?
What's your favorite color?
In my country
when you buy Yugo car
it comes with bus
schedule included.
Thanks for stopping sir.
Okay. That's okay.
My battery took a shit on me.
Do you have jumper cables?
Ah, I don't. I don't.
But I'm making a
stop at one place
they may be able to help.
Work something out.
Yeah. Yeah.
Strap up that piece of shit.
Thanks that's -
Thank you.
It's okay. I'd
do it for white guy too.
You dog.
Did you saw the rims?
So, where are you from in LA?
Well I'm not really from LA.
okay. That's okay.
I'm from the biggest
ghetto in Europe. You know?
Does this bother you?
I had business in LA.
Oh yeah?
Bitter story.
What kind of business?
A taxi company.
That is good.
It was called Sexy Taxi.
Cause you know I'm the sex guy.
I know you are.
I had eleven cars,
sixteen drivers,
mostly hot Ukrainian bitches.
Twenty four hours dispatching.
I had accounts,
two hotels,
bunch of restaurants.
Some residental.
What happened?
Fucking shit.
Do you live around here?
Not far.
I'm living with two
bitches right now.
Two of them?
My father told me two things.
"If you are afraid of lonliness
do not marry."
And two,
"Real men takes dump
only once a day,
precisely at noon."
You dog!
Betsy Kennedy.
Betsy Kennedy took me
in my first move here.
Fine woman. Fine.
Nice rack!
Very nice.
An ex-boozer who now
believes in Jesus.
Like Bush.
Other one is Asian,
traditionally trained the
in art of pleasing a man.
She's very young.
But, as they say
in my village...
The girl is ready when,
my fist can fit into her sock.
You know?
I said that to her once,
I thinks she got offended.
Called me,
Told me to go back
to my country,
have sex with my monkey.
You dog!
In Germany two
gay penguins adopted
a chicken that was
thrown out of a parent's
Yeah, there was an
article in the Spiegel.
Can I help you?
Are you Jerry?
I asked if I can help you.
I'm from the Visionary Horizons.
I'm here for the property
beautification thing.
So you're the shit man?
And these guys' battery took.
It's dead.
So I thought maybe
you'd be good,
maybe you'd be kind.
The dump is
scheduled for Thursday.
Come back on Thursday.
Esmeralda at
the office sent me today.
There must be some sort
of misunderstanding.
We just need a jump.
What the hell's your name?
Your face looks familiar.
Have you been to
the post office recently?
Yeah. I sent
out 150,000 postcards
all over the world.
You know what they said?
Blow me.
I don't know why I
did that or what I was
trying to prove, but -
All right. You can stay,
but shit man's got to go.
There must be misunderstanding.
Why do you keep saying that?
Can you let him do his job?
Mr. Milutin is
all charged up and
he really wants to go in there.
Milutin fucked up the date okay?
Why did you fuck that up?
Milutin. Milutin.
Listen, you know what?
Don't tell me how to say stuff
because I'm an American and
I can say it like I please.
Just like they did
on Ellis Island.
I don't fuck up the date.
The gypsy girl at the office,
the receptionist,
she fucked it up.
She's not a gypsy.
Are you?
I'm not a gypsy.
You've got a yellow towel
on your fucking head.
Fuck this shit
and this creepy motherfucker!
Hey, Milutin.
Can I ask you a
personal question?
Eight inches.
Peace brother.
Thanks for the smoke.
Can I use your restroom?
I just need to change.
It's inside on the left.
Thank you.
Please don't throw
any paper in the bowl.
I think they have
finch fights going on here.
The finch fights.
It is the new hot
underground thing of
There's a lot of
betting involved and the
way they fight them
they would put two
male finches and one
female in one cage
and they male would
fight to death.
Okay, calm down.
Sometimes they
put pieces of razors
on their little claws.
There was an article
in the Spiegel.
What's the Spiegel?
I really think
we should do something.
Listen, no one
cares what you think.
You have a Facebook account.
And what's up with the jacket?
I thought I looked respectable.
Just stay where
I can see you please.
All that's missing is a.
- I
- Don't have one on me.
Well go get it
you stupid little fuck.
What the fuck am
I paying you for?
You're not paying me.
I'm your son-in-law.
Can't you just be useful?
Be useful.
Come on little fuck. Get up.
He knows I'm kidding.
He likes it.
So I don't think my car needs a.
Every car needs a, man.
I don't even know what a is.
It sounds foreign
and kind of pervy.
A is a
revolutionary air freshener.
It smells like spring rain.
It also releases negative ions,
as well as oxygen.
It keeps you kind of -
It keeps you kind of perky.
I'm in charge of
marketing for this region.
Maybe you can get
on board and spread
the word and make some cash.
I'm sure it's different
from crack money.
But green is green.
So what do I
owe you for the work?
Don't worry about it.
Jerry's not a ballbreaker.
He wants to help.
Today is my youngest
grandson's birthday.
He turns four.
We're going to make a
surprise party for him.
He's got some sort of deep
psychological problems.
He likes to headbutt
stuff like an angry
mountain goat.
Bam! Bam! Bam!
The kid's only four and he's
already losing his shit.
The only thing that
really calms him down
is birds.
Now even all the birds
are killing each other
We have to separate them.
Take care man.
All right.
What did you do?
Just drive.
I'm adopted
too. You know?
I mean I can't
prove it but you know
I'm pretty sure.
So how many guys have
you been with before me?
Not bad.
How about yourself?
How many girls?
About 60 I think.
Very good.
You want to know
why I didn't want
to try on those flip flops?
Yesterday back at the store.
Because I didn't
cut my nails, my toenails.
I thought you might
be having alpha bitch toe.
A what?
There's a popular
belief that your
status in the relationship
is predetermined
by your toes.
So, if your big toe
is bigger than the one
next to it the male would
be in charge meaning
you're an alpha male.
But if the one next to
your big toe is bigger,
I call it a wingman, meaning
you're an alpha bitch.
But the thing about it
is what really matters is
the mix.
Two big toes make a good couple.
A big toe and a wingman
means there will
be bloodshed.
Two wingmen probably
means that the couple
will burn over low
flame of depression for
the rest of their life.
Because one will always
look to the other
to cut the ribbon.
Well, I ain't
got the alpha bitch.
Do not walk in front of me.
I may not follow.
Do not walk behind
me, I may not lead.
Just walk beside me
and be my friend.
I don't give a fuck about toes.
I also shuffle my
feet like a Japenese girl
in high heels.
Works better with a
bunch of shopping bags.
You like that?
So tight.
It was sad and
beautiful at the same time.
That's what we do.
We turn pain into profit.
We do at that.
Just like Adele who has
been crying over the same
guy for four years now.
So, where are you guys from?
We're from LA.
Oh right on.
Michael is from LA.
He's a writer, a
screen play writer.
Not a screenplay writer.
I ejaculate the vulgar
concepts of my insane mind
onto the paper.
He wrote a screenplay.
Tell them about the
screenplay you wrote.
I did. I did
write a screenplay.
It's about the world's
first gay superhero.
His name is Bjorn and he's
simultaneously battling
evil and his own
sexual identity.
Are you guys going
to see Blonde Priest?
I don't now what that is.
Is that like a
rapper or something?
I mean I respect the brothers
and their energy and all
but sometimes I'm like
dude can you stop cussing
over that song?
no. Blonde Priest are
like new age.
They're like alternative kind
of like that song Fireflies.
It's anal sex music, basically.
No, no, no. They
are not singing Fireflies.
They are a band.
Blonde Priest is a band.
No, Pink Floyd is a band.
Pink Floyd is a band.
U2 is a band.
Rolling Stones, The Strokes.
I am going to start a band and
it's going to be
called Punk Floyd.
- I
- Mean what are they going
to perform for some
fireman's funeral?
We'll perform Pink Floyd covers,
but they will be punk.
This is a fact.
Bob Dylan and the Beatles
single handedly ruined music.
I agree.
Why aren't there more French
rock bands?
I think Paul McCartney's
best work was with Wings.
I play bass.
- I
- Like to eat melon.
Would it be
weird if I had a crow
as a pet?
Hey, you want to jam with us?