Always Be My Maybe (2019) Movie Script

We hailin' from East Oakland, California
And, um
Sometimes it gets a little hectic
Out there
But right now, yo
We gonna up you on how we just chill
Dial the seven digits
Call up Bridgette
Her man's a midget
Plus she got friends, yo, I can dig it
Here's a forty, swig it
Y'know it's frigid
I got 'em chillin' in the cooler
Break out the ruler
Damn! That's the fattest stog
I ever seen
The weather's heat in Cali
Gettin' weeded makes it feel like Maui
Now we feel the good vibrations
So many females, so much inspiration
I get inspired by the blunts, too
I'll front you
If you hang with a bunk crew
I roam the strip for bones to pick
When I find one, I'm done
Take her home and quickly do this
Daddy and I working late
at the store again.
Make yourself dinner and don't watch TV!
...decided what you're gonna do
for your anniversary?
Oh, I don't know, Clarissa.
It's been so busy lately.
I wouldn't mind a nice, quiet evening
at home.
Well, it'd be nice
to do something special.
- What did you have in mind?
- I don't know.
You want some soup?
My mom said to ask
if you wanted some soup.
She makes way too much,
then I have to bring the leftovers
to school in a thermos.
Nobody wants to sit next to that kid
with the thermos soup.
Only the other kids with the thermos soup.
And I don't want to sit
next to those losers!
Just kidding.
What if I really did that?
I thought you just did that.
I thought you just shut the door
in my face.
I did, to be funny.
I so wouldn't have done that.
You're, like, my best friend.
Okay, bestie.
And by the way, I'd sit
next to you if you had thermos soup.
I can't believe it.
So glad you said that, though.
It made the joke way better.
Mom! No more thermos soup for me!
Look at that.
Doesn't that look amazing?
It looks super amazing.
Kimchi-jjigae is very simple,
but that's what makes it so good.
It's about using the best ingredients.
It smells so good, Mrs. Kim.
Sasha, I've told you a million times,
call me Judy.
And we Koreans use scissors
for everything.
Vegetables, noodles...
Our children.
- All right. You wanna try?
- Okay.
Look at you. You're a natural.
Thanks... Judy.
Are you sure you're not Korean?
So I'm painting a sparrow
in its nest,
and I finished painting the nest,
and halfway through painting the sparrow,
it flies away.
That's when I learned...
to start with the thing that can fly away.
- Can I have some money?
- Why?
It's Friday night, and I thought
it'd be fun if Sasha and I went out.
They pulled in just behind the bridge
He lays her down, he frowns
"Gee, my life's a funny thing
Am I still too young?"
He kissed her then and there
She took his ring
Took his babies
It took him minutes
It took her nowhere
Heaven knows
She would have taken anything
But all night
She wants the young American
- Young American, young American
- Cheese!
She wants the young American
All night...
- Bye, Judy!
- Bye!
She wants the young American
Oh, all night
He wants the young American
Young American, young American
He wants the young American
All right
What a rush!
- That was good.
- Yeah?
- Okay, now I wanna reel it in...
- You leave it.
- Okay. And then we move it back?
- And then you just let it... Let it go.
No. No, and then you just, like,
put it up there.
- The hole?
- And then, yeah, then that's it.
And then that's it. You're fishing.
- This is fishing?
- This is fishing.
Isn't it fun?
You know what I'd like to catch?
- What?
- A hamburguer.
Dad! What's wrong?
Mr. Kim?
- Are you okay?
- There's been an accident.
I can't find the coffee filters.
I don't know where she kept them.
Let's go out.
Have it your way
- And if you want, you can decide
- And...can decide
- And if you'll have me
- ...have me
I can provide
You don't know the words, do you?
Shh, it's D'Angelo!
I don't need to know the words to know
that it's emotional, and sensual,
and full of melodic feelings, okay?
- And I...
- Uh?
Just wanna be your man
So, it... It's cool seeing you laugh.
How does it feel
Said I want to know, how does it feel
- How does it feel...
- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Marcus.
I... I don't know what I was...
Said, it's been on my mind, yeah
Baby, close the door
Listen, girl, I have something
I want to show you
I wish you'd open up
'Cause I wanna take the walls down
With you
How does it feel
How does it feel
How does it feel
I want to take you
Away from here, baby
How does it feel?
How does it feel?
How does it feel?
All right. You okay?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- All right.
- How are you?
- Oh, it's... I'm so great.
Hey, where'd you get that condom?
Oh, um...
seventh grade.
Who... Who taught you how to put it on?
This lady came to our school...
taught us, like, sex ed for a day, and...
she put it on a banana.
- Did you practice at home with bananas?
- No, I didn't need a banana at home.
Marcus, your car smells like Parmesan.
Oh, yeah, that... That... That's Parmesan.
I've got, like, a bunch of Parmesan
in the glove compartment.
- Wanna get something to eat?
- Okay.
- Ow! Oh!
- Oh! Sorry, I was...
- You don't have to do any of that.
- No? Yeah, cool, okay.
You're being really weird.
I'm not being weird. You're being weird.
See? What was that sigh?
- That was weird.
- That's just how I breathe.
I'm a hard breather.
Yeah, I know that now.
No, that was supposed to be cute.
That was supposed to be like,
"'Cause we had sex,
I know what you sound like."
Okay, I... I... I got it. Thank you, Marcus!
Look, it was your idea to go all the way,
all right?
Are you kidding me?
You kissed me with tongue.
You took off my underwear.
You took it to the next step.
Because I felt bad you'd have to tell
everyone at college that you're a virgin.
Well, I was planning to lie about that.
I'm not going to college anyway.
When did you decide that?
Why wouldn't you go to college?
I don't have to explain anything to you.
Look, Marcus...
I... I know that you're hurting
because you lost your mom.
- You know, I lost her too...
- But she wasn't your mom!
Was she? She was my mom!
Just because you're always at our house,
eating our food, watching our TV
because your parents don't care enough
to ever be around
doesn't mean you know shit
about how I'm feeling.
You are such an asshole.
Welcome to Burger King.
Flame grilling since 1954.
Can I interest you in a Whopper?
You can get it to go if you wanna eat it
in your car and cry.
I see you, girl
- I see you lookin' at me
- Hey! Hey!
From across the room, baby, I'll be
- Hey!
- I walk to you
- You notice me
- Hey! Hey!
- Girl, don't play yourself playing me
- Hey!
'Cause I came all the way to you
All the way to you
Just to try to introduce myself
Try to introduce myself
Don't try to make a fool of me
Try to make a fool of me
So tell me what you want
Because you ain't gonna be misled
- You're gonna be late.
- I'm waiting for Brandon.
Well, while you're here,
let's talk San Francisco.
Guys! Guys!
These are supposed
to be vegetable dumplings, okay?
Not lemongrass testicles.
- Let's smooth the wrinkles out.
- Yes, Chef.
Uh, San Francisco, you're opening
a new restaurant in two months,
and I need you there
by the end of this week, permanently.
- That's beautiful, Sharice.
- I ordered you guys a great house.
Oh, sounds good.
Your mom wants to pick you up
from the airport.
I told her I'd get you a car,
- then she yelled and hung up on me.
- Oh.
Their worst fear in life is for me
to have to tip somebody.
That's why I learned to cut my own hair.
It doesn't show.
- All right, I look good?
- Yes.
- Everything sucked in?
- Oh, yes.
- Okay.
- Water?
That came from your thigh gap?
No, thank you.
Thanks for calling it a gap.
Besides, my Spanx are on backwards
so the pee flap lines up
with the wrong hole.
- There's no time to change it.
- Oh.
- How are you feeling?
- Pregnant as hell.
And I am so mad at Kate Middleton.
I was driving to work this morning
thinking about her taking those pictures
on the hospital steps like, what,
three hours after she had a baby?
And she had that royal diaper on.
You know she had that diaper on.
I don't want you to talk about that stuff
- in front of the customers.
- Okay, cool.
- You asked me a question. What's it again?
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Mm.
- Wow, you look great.
- Oh...
- Ready to do this?
- Yes.
Guys, enjoy yourselves.
I'll just be here
looking like a fat Meghan Markle.
We are
at the Operation Smile benefit,
catching up
with celebrity chef Sasha Tran,
the genius
behind LA's trendsetting restaurant,
Knives and Mercy,
and her fianc
and mega restaurant developer,
Brandon Choi.
Now Brandon, you're credited
with the global branding and franchising
for a lot of A-list culinary stars.
Do they ever get jealous
that Sasha is receiving special treatment?
I hope they're all a little bit jealous,
but not jealous enough
to stop working with me.
What an amazing couple you two are.
So sweet.
What a great cause, huh?
- I'm gonna play some music. Is that okay?
- Hmm.
Yo, whassup, this is Tajai
Of the mighty Souls of Mischief crew
I'm chillin with my man Phesto
My man A-Plus, and my man Op'
Dial the seven digits
Call up Bridgette
Her man's a midget
Plus she got friends, yo, I can dig it
Here's a 40, swig it
Y'know it's frigid
I got 'em chillin' in the cooler
Break out the ruler
Damn! That's the fattest stog
I ever seen
The weather's heat in Cali
Gettin' weeded makes it feel like Maui
Now we feel the good vibrations
So many females, so much inspiration
I get inspired by the blunts, too, too
I'll front you, you
If you hang with a bunk crew
I roam the strip for bones to pick
When I find one, I'm done
Take her home and quickly do this
- I need not explain this
- Nah!
A-Plus is famous, so get the anus!
Hey, miss!
Who's there? I'm through there
No time to do hair...
What are you doin'?
Smoking weed and dancing
in front of a mirror. Wanna join?
- No.
- Dad, come on.
- I challenge you to a battle.
- Well, since you put it that way.
Oh, okay, stop, stop. You win the battle.
Come on.
We gotta go.
This is how we chill from 93 'til
We're installing a new furnace today
down in the Mission.
Let me guess:
another hipster donut shop opening
in an old laundromat?
Artisan roast beef sandwiches
in an old record store.
Hey! Hey, what do you think about this
for the flowers for the wedding, huh?
I'll do for black flowers
what I did for fish sauce ice cream.
- Sure.
- Good.
I just don't wanna be a boring-ass bride,
you know?
- Let's spice it up.
- Can I talk to you about something?
Yeah. Sure. What's up? Mm-hmm.
I've been thinking about this a lot.
And if it's cool with you,
I'd like to postpone the wedding.
It's not that I don't want to get married.
I do.
It's just... It's just
that this opportunity has come up
for me to go to India with Jos Andrs.
The chef from Bazaar?
He's opening up a new restaurant there,
and he knows about my two years
in the saffron fields of Kashmir
with Alice Waters.
So you want me
to go to San Francisco alone?
That's the beauty of it.
We'd both be in new surroundings.
We'd be apart...
Before entering
into a lifelong commitment.
I just... I just want this to be right.
So that when we do get married...
...he'll be the best husband he can be.
So, in that sense,
it's really for the both of us.
Are you serious?
What the hell is happening right now?
- He'll just be gone for half a year...
- Stop it.
- And he flew out this morning to India.
- Like, the India? Like, the...
- the country?
- India.
So instead of getting married,
he's gonna, like, just Eat Pray Love?
And in the meantime,
we're gonna see other people.
Wait, what?
We are gonna see other people.
So we're both absolutely sure
that we belong together.
Think of it like a six-month Bachelorette.
You know? San Francisco
could not have come at a better time.
I'll get away, reset.
Go to the aquarium, marvel at that...
albino alligator.
- It's all good!
- Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna go do inventory.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
I'm just, um, getting the oyster sauce.
Okay. Um...
Never give anybody your heart, Enrique.
Thank you, Chef.
Blow the whistle, blow the whistle
Blow the whistle, blow the whistle
Mr. Kim!
- Veronica!
- Yes.
- You're back in San Francisco?
- Hi.
My God! How long's it been?
Oh, gosh. I don't think I've seen you
since high school graduation.
Oh, my goodness! Hi!
- All right.
- Hi, hi, hi!
I'll bring the rest. Be right back.
- Wow, look at you!
- Yeah.
It's so good to see you.
- You, too.
- So you lost all your piercings, huh?
Oh no, not all of 'em.
Uh, well,
uh, thank you for hiring us for this job
and, uh,
congrats on the house and the baby.
- Oh, thanks. It's not my house, though.
- Hey, V!
The bathroom counter is too high.
I'm gonna need a stool to...
Uh, hey, what's up?
Wow. Look who's here? It's...
Look who's here, this... This is...
And who's in the house. It's you!
This is amazing.
- Hi, Marcus.
- Hi! Yeah, hi, Sasha.
Hi. Hello. Hi. What's up?
Long time.
Yes. Yes.
Very long time, uh, very much so indeed.
Uh... But, you know, time passes,
and now it's like current, modern...
It's like we're here, and this is great.
So I...
I guess you're the air conditioning guy?
Oh? Oh, this?
No, no, I just like the ease of a onesie.
Oh, okay.
You're back in town?
I thought you moved to LA.
Uh, I... I did. Um...
I'm just renting this house.
I'm here for two months.
We're opening a restaurant.
If you're renting,
then why are you installing AC...
No way! Sasha Tran!
Mr. Kim! Oh, my God.
Look at you!
You have not changed one bit.
How do you not age?
I wash my face with shampoo.
I can't believe I'm seeing you.
We thought you'd never come back.
- You're like our own Asian Oprah.
- Oh!
How much money do you have now?
He's serious.
- Oh...
- Oh! I just read you're getting married
to that guy, your manager. Seems great!
Older than I thought, but...
- How old is he?
- He's a very young 50.
Uh, he does a lot of Capoeira.
He, uh, shops at, uh, um... Under Armour.
And, uh, he has...
uh, 57,000 followers on Instagram.
Okay. Well, me and Marcus,
we're gonna get you all set up.
Don't worry. Oh!
Invest your money in lettuce.
Kale can't hold on forever.
Dude, you so did that on purpose.
I thought
it was just gonna be Mr. Kim.
I had no idea
Marcus was gonna be working with him.
The company
is literally called "Harry and Son."
Yeah, "sun," like in the sky.
- It's what I thought.
- Whatever.
Your plan didn't work.
Well, I thought
this was your six-month Bachelorette.
Yeah, with strangers.
I'm not trying to Bachelorette
with Marcus Kim.
There's way too much history there.
- Plus, he's so not my type anymore.
- Oh, you mean because he's not an asshole?
Oh, he's an asshole.
He's just a stealth asshole.
Like those good-looking guys,
those white dudes with a beard
that come up to you on the street,
all good-looking,
ask you how you're doing,
and then you realize
they're carrying a clipboard,
asking to donate money
for some endangered flora and fauna.
- Misleading you.
- All right, I'll take that as a maybe.
Look, I gotta go.
Denise wants to talk nursery motif.
And for some reason,
she's so anti-penguin.
I mean, this one has a hat on it.
It's so cute.
I didn't know penguins get cold.
I think it's fiction when they wear hats.
I always forget whether fiction's
the real one or the fake one.
- Love you!
- I love you, too. Good night.
Look at my pool.
You know who doesn't have a pool? Marcus.
the LA restaurant is non-denominational,
modern Vietnamese fusion.
The San Francisco one
is gonna be a step up from that.
It's trans-denominational.
Yes! Yes!
Transgressive, transforming, transcendent.
Ah! Brilliant!
Excellent thoughts, as always.
Thank you, Julian.
Does it get tiring doing that?
My work? No. I love it.
No, your phone voice.
My what?
You know, that voice you use on the phone.
Excellent, as always. Ta-ta, Julian!"
Okay, first of all,
you sound like Count Chocula.
And that's very rude, Marcus.
Especially considering
I'm the customer paying you money.
It's just funny
because I know it's not you, that voice.
Well, you haven't known me
for a very long time.
And PS, have you seen yourself
in those coveralls?
You look like a homeless astronaut.
Hey, guys, I'm off to the restaurant,
but I picked you up
some breakfast burritos.
- Mm!
- I've already had one. Well, two.
- Who's counting?
- Excellent.
Ta-ta, Veronica!
Oh, don't use your phone voice
on me, bitch.
So, you just set it...
...and forget it.
Like that commercial for that thing.
- What thing?
- I can't remember.
But if you have any problems,
like I said, call us.
Thanks, Mr. Kim.
- Thank you, Marcus.
- You're welcome, Sasha.
Oh, wait! Did you invite Sasha
to your gig tomorrow?
- She'd love it.
- No.
- Gig?
- Hello Peril. His band.
- You ought to go. They're so good!
- Let's not do this, Dad.
Hello Peril's still together?
- Sixteen years strong.
- Wow.
- I'll get you a flyer for the show.
- No, do not get a...
- They're in the van.
- Why are you getting...
- The whole original band's still together?
- No, it's just me and Quasar.
Um, but remember Tony Gill?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah. He joined.
The only one you don't know
is our drummer, Ginger.
She's awesome.
She grew up in the Bay Area.
She had three moms.
Oh! Their tampon budget must have been
through the roof.
Hey, look at that.
Um... My... My schedule tomorrow's
a little tight, so...
- Yeah.
- Well, if it changes.
I have to say, uh...
I'm surprised you two lost touch.
You used to be so close.
I always thought...
maybe you'd end up together.
Dad! Jesus!
Okay... Um...
So design-wise,
we're very much embracing your philosophy
of highlighting the original architecture
of the space.
Okay. So, right here, I'm thinking
big communal table with Gubi chairs.
Over here, two-tops with Gubi chairs.
Right over here, I'm thinking four-tops
with Gubi chairs,
and in this little nook right here,
I'm thinking a six-top round with...
Let me guess: Gubi chairs!
I was thinking high-back...
but, you know what?
You're the boss,
so we can absolutely switch them
to Gubis.
I don't even really know
what Gubi chairs look like.
You know, they look a bit like chairs.
Um... Meaning that they've got...
They've got these, like... uh,
four kind of like...
I don't know why I'm doing that gesture,
and that's inappropriate.
- I'm so sorry.
- Hello?
- Um...
- Sasha!
- Sasha!
- Sasha? Are you in there?
- Why are my parents here?
- Ooh, I don't know.
- Parking meter is expired!
- I kept saying "Gubi."
Yeah, you did.
- I was spiraling.
- You got a little sweat on your top lip.
- She's gonna fire me, isn't she?
- No. She'd make me do it.
Oh! Hey!
Hi! How are you?
- Wow, this is so crazy you guys are here.
- Who picked you up from the airport?
I got car service.
Oh, no.
Did you have to pay tip?
No, Dad. I jumped out
when he slowed down at a stop sign.
So, what are you guys doing here?
Veronica posted on Facebook
that you would be here.
Is someone... I think someone's calling me
about Gubi chairs.
We're just happy you're home.
Now that we have sold
the store, we have so much free time.
We are throwing
your cousin Barry's son, Liam,
a birthday party next week.
So, you get to see the new house.
I didn't think I would like retirement,
but it's good.
Yesterday, I hung a bird feeder in a tree.
That's great, Dad, but you know,
guys, um...
I'm gonna be really busy
opening the restaurant.
I have two months to finalize the layout,
design the menu, choose the suppliers.
Then I fly to New York
and have to do it all over again.
What day?
I know someone in New York
who can pick you up.
And you don't have to pay tip.
You shut the door, I lock it tight
Turn out the lights, no fun tonight
Move your hands, no fun tonight
You said good night, I said all right
- Good night!
- Hey! Yeah! Hey! Yeah!
Have mercy on me, yeah
Hey! Yeah! Hey! Yeah! Hey! Yeah!
Sunshine, shine
I'm a man of flesh
And this one-track mind
With your addictions
'Cause I got mine
And you'll see, hey!
I think you guys are gonna be glad
you put me on merch.
Our T-shirt table sales have been fire.
So, how many have we sold?
Well, two got sent back, so...
- Seven?
- And I also got these.
Hello Peril. Boop.
But tennis balls have nothing
to do with our band.
Uh, counterpoint:
since when has our band made any sense?
maybe we'll have a better chance of...
selling these if we start playing...
bigger venues.
When are we gonna talk about tensions
in the band,
'cause I'm mad at two of you right now.
Marcus, did you have a chance
to call Southie's
and ask about us playing Thursday nights?
Oh, yeah... um, no.
I don't like Southie's.
Okay, okay, fair,
except they're, like, three times
the size of this place.
but they're on the other side of town.
- People don't know us over there.
- Yeah, because we've never been there!
Marcus, this is just like
when you refused to try cold brew
because you'd never heard of it.
And then it took a year
of me convincing you to try it,
and then what happened? Huh?
- What do you love now?
- Cold brew.
Cold brew.
I'm mad at Tony and myself.
Tony annoys me,
and I'm mad at myself for that.
Thank you so much!
The next band is Hello Peril.
You don't wanna miss out.
What's up, everybody?
Hey, what's up, Bay Area?
All right, we are Hello Peril,
serving you great music,
all day, every day.
Hey, speaking of serving...
who here likes tennis?
All right.
Um, well... Well, it's a great sport.
- And we've got Hello Peril tennis balls...
- Yeah.
I think they filmed some
of Boys Don't Cry here.
Oh, which part?
Not a good part.
There you go. Yeah.
All right, ladies and gentlemen.
All right, who's ready
to hear some music?
Let's do it.
Thank you for coming.
Of course.
- Hello
- This is how we greet you
This is what we say every day
When we meet you
We are Hello Peril, the band of four
We got tunes to entertain
And teach you
We say hello
To everybody here tonight
We're so glad you could step
Into our zone and tomorrow say...
They're still really good.
To all your friends and your foes
And tell 'em how we got your mind blown
For example, hello, my name is Marcus
With lyrics for your carcass
Famous in the Bay
For keeping cooler than the Arctic
Want some food for thought?
Hello Peril is the market
The smartest even though we're known
For smoking up a harvest
Welcome to the city
That used to be free of suckers
Till the techies came in Hummers
And colonized the gutters
If I see another hipster
Openin' a coffee shop
I'll make a body drop
With my signature karate chop...
I didn't even know I could squat.
- Be careful.
- Okay.
And crooked cops get unbearable
Impeccable aim
We put an arrow through a sparrow
It's Hello Peril, that's where it's at
So for your baby shower,
I think I'm just gonna do,
like, a zoo theme.
- Zoo?
- Yeah, zoo.
- That's very safe. There's monkeys...
- No.
Look, I'm gonna be changing diapers
for a very long time.
I don't wanna smell shit
at my baby shower.
- No, I'm not gonna have a zoo...
- I want...
No way! Sasha and Veronica?
- What's up?
- Hey.
Hey, Tony, looking good.
Thanks, girl. Feeling good.
Oh shit, that's not mine, is it?
- No, honey. It's my fiance's. Denise.
- Cool!
Um, actually, I'm a... an LGBTQIA ally.
So, thank you, uh, for your service.
Uh, so anyway,
I... I thought you couldn't make it.
Oh, well, my schedule cleared up
last minute, so I thought I'd stop by.
Sure, of course.
- Yeah, it was fun.
- You guys are so good.
- You're just blowing up, too.
- Oh, yes we are.
Um, I don't know if you heard,
- but we sold seven T-shirts.
- Oh!
- What are you, like Old Navy?
- Yes, yes.
I could listen to this story all night,
but I can't.
I'm gonna go check to make sure
- I haven't dropped my placenta.
- Oh.
- Bye! Thank you for coming.
- [Okay. So much fun.
- Bye, V!
- Love is love is... love.
Gosh, Tony.
So, uh, what are you guys up to?
You hungry?
Oh, yeah. I'm down for some food.
I actually have to get up early tomorrow,
but thank you for inviting me, Marcus.
You killed it, babe!
That was your best set yet, babe!
Oh, my gosh, you guys. I forgot.
I, um... have to, uh... uh, vote.
- Babe, that was so hot!
- Jenny! Jenny! Jenny.
Jenny, this is Sasha. Sasha, Jenny.
Oh, my God.
Sasha Tran?
Oh... Oh, hey.
It's a lot of... Lot of hair... my mouth, a little bit.
It is so nice to finally meet you.
It's nice to meet you, too.
Marcus told me you guys are old friends,
but I kind of didn't believe him.
I am a huge fan.
You have to let me cook
for you tonight.
- Oh, uh, Sasha has to get up early.
- Well...
not that early.
Wow, Jenny.
This looks... amazing.
Thank you.
Is that Vienna sausage?
Mm! So good!
- Hey!
- She likes it.
Sasha Tran likes my cooking!
How did you and Marcus meet?
Oh, um...
The community youth group
that I work with...
um, was performing performance art
about the illegal trafficking
of tropical birds, and...
Hello Peril was on the same bill,
and I saw him perform,
and I just fell in love.
Wow, babe,
that was almost five months ago.
- Can you believe it?
- Five months? Wow. Yeah.
I was a polyam
before Marcus and I got married.
Wait... you two are married?
No, no, no. No, we're not.
Not in your traditional,
heteronormative sense.
We're married spiritually
and sexually.
Yeah, but not literally.
Uh, anyway, Jenny is, um, amazing.
She, uh, works with underserved kids
in the community,
teaching them drama and music,
and, uh, she's taught me a lot
about being more conscious
of the world around me, you know.
That's great.
FYI. These are, uh, Paula Deen plates,
you know, the...
racist butter lady.
Oh, I know. That's why I stole them.
Oh! Uh...
- Oh, another one.
- Another one!
You don't have to give me a ride home.
I can call an Uber.
I'd be happy to charge you for the ride
if it makes you feel better.
Uh, you know it wouldn't.
So, uh... Jenny's...
quite the character.
Yeah, she's, um... very free, you know?
How does an Asian person
even cultivate dreadlocks on their head?
I don't know,
but a crocheting tool is involved.
Oh. Does the carpet match the drapes?
No, it's just a huge bush.
I kind of love it, though, you know?
She sleeps bottomless
like a sexy Asian Winnie the Pooh.
No way.
- You still have the Corolla?
- In the same condition, too.
Oh, locks stopped working in 2007.
What are you looking at?
- Nothing.
- Why were you looking in my back seat?
I wasn't. I was just, uh...
My chiropractor says I gotta, you know...
- turn, rotate my...
- Look at the back seat?
- Yeah.
- Because we had sex back there?
- Oh, my God!
- That's why you're looking back there.
Just calling you out on it.
So what do you think?
Seeing it after all these years?
That it might be even smaller
and grosser than I remember.
You better still be talking
about my back seat.
Hey, uh, by the way,
it would have been nice, you know,
would have been cool to lose my virginity
someplace classy like, uh...
on a blanket in a gazebo.
Little hotel by the Bay.
- A hotel by the Bay?
- A hotel by the Bay.
Who was I? A lawyer having an affair
with a coworker?
- I was 18. I had no money.
- Well, you could have saved it.
You could have stolen it.
You stole nuts out of the nut bins
every day at Rainbow Grocery.
Okay, that's not stealing.
That's called "tasting."
That's why they got those flaps,
so you could try shit.
Whatever. The past is the past, right?
Please tell Jenny
I enjoyed her enthusiasm.
Not the sausage, not the...
maca powder mixed with the ketchup,
but, uh...
...her energy, her chi,
her yin, her yang, all of it.
I will.
Well... uh, okay. Uh, bye.
Oh, uh...
Yeah, I... I have to do that
from the outside.
Oh! That weapon again. Hm.
This window thing came off in my hand.
What'd you say?
I said, "This window thing came off
in my hand."
Oh, right. Okay.
- Thanks.
- All right, bye.
And we could make the print look
like handwritten calligraphy.
Oh, good. And print it on rice paper.
- White people eat that shit up.
- Guilty.
Hey, the flatware rep is here.
I know, it's a lot.
And Netflix just called.
They wanna know if you can cater
a wrap party this Sunday at the Fairmont.
- Is it for The Crown?
- No.
It's for that new Kevin James show
where he plays a young Benjamin Franklin.
Um... Okay, screw it. Yeah, sure.
- Why not?
- All right!
Is that Padma Lakshmi?
He's Bacheloretting with Padma?
Stupid, beautiful, talented Padma Lakshmi.
I mean, what did we do
before the Internet?
Okay, so I'm gonna go ahead and fill out
the application for the audition...
They wanna know
if any of us have been married
for the application for the auditions.
That's so weird... Hello, Marcus?
Are you listening to me
or are you messaging someone?
- Oh, um... No, I'm listening. What's up?
- I called Southie's.
They said Thursdays are open,
but we've gotta audition.
Against 100 other bands.
I mean, yeah, at least. It's Southie's.
- Isn't that great?
- I have a question for you.
Why did you bail on dinner
the other night?
What dinner?
After the show.
Remember? We were all gonna go to dinner,
and then...
Jenny showed up, and then you bailed.
Oh... Yeah, that's... Uh...
- You... You know, uh, I had...
- Uh...
- What?
- I know what?
- You were gonna say something?
- You...
- I'm asking you, why did you bail?
- Right, and then you said something after.
- I didn't.
- You were gonna tell me why I bailed.
- No. No, I'm asking you why.
- Right. Um...
You forgot what your lie was, didn't you?
- I did.
- Yeah.
Whatever. Um...
Are we done with this meeting?
Because I wanna smoke weed now,
but I don't wanna disrespect the process.
Whoa! Me, too. Light her up.
- Suppress the darkness.
- Yep.
Believe in the magic
Magic, magic, believe in the magic
Magic, magic
Hey! So glad you came.
- Oh.
- Always fun seeing my famous cousin.
No! Thanks for inviting me.
Can you believe all this?
You know what my parents gave me
for my eighth birthday?
Well, they've been
amazing godparents to Liam.
They're really close.
Nice for Liam.
But sometimes they do go
a little overboard.
Like getting a Diana Ross impersonator.
What's a Diana Ross impersonator doing
at an eight-year-old's birthday party?
Your dad said she was much cheaper
than Beyonc.
So, when are you gonna find out
the gender?
I'm doing a non-gender-binary situation,
so just give me gray baby clothes.
- Hey.
- Hey!
- Yeah.
- You made it.
- Thanks for the invite.
- Yeah.
- What's up, V?
- You know.
- I do.
- Yeah.
I think your dad's already here.
- Lemonade?
- Oh... thanks.
I'm Harry. Uh, huge Diana Ross fan.
Kathy. Huge lemonade fan.
I, uh... didn't know what to get him,
so I just went with Legos.
Oh, what did you bring, Sasha?
Kids love chocolate, all right?
Matcha green tea dark chocolate
with French gray sea salt?
Yes. Kids know that shit is delicious.
Sorry, I'll be right back.
That's cool.
What kind of Legos?
- Hey!
- Hey.
I know we said we wouldn't talk.
No, it's okay.
It's just that yesterday...
something hit me.
I finally realized...
that we need to think bigger
in terms of your global branding.
Padma was making me breakfast
this morning, and she agrees.
- Mm-hmm.
- Your food can be transcontinental...
- Brandon!
- Trans-denominational...
- Trans...
- Brandon!
- What?
- I don't give a shit, okay?
I don't give a shit
about your branding thoughts.
You never loved me.
This was just about business.
I cannot believe I wasted
my prime reproductive years on you.
I hope you have terrible karma
and come back in the next life
as a nasty little lizard
and get stepped on by someone on a hike!
You are getting the finger
so hard right now.
I hope you get malaria
and shit yourself to death,
you shitty piece of shit!
A little softer, please.
You are scaring the goats.
We are so done.
It was like being in love with a statue.
A sexy, handsome, chiseled statue
of a Korean Eric from The Little Mermaid.
He was just too perfect, you know?
Like, I never felt
like I could be myself around him.
Like, if I had to fart, I'd have to go
to a completely different room
of the house.
And he was so self-centered.
He kept on saying how much he loved
and supported my career,
when really it was just all
about how it made him look.
All these men keep saying how much
they want a strong woman.
What they really want is a cheerleader.
So, yeah. I'm gonna die all alone
in a big house all by myself
in complete, utter, and deafening silence.
I can feel it, Marcus.
There, there.
"There, there?" That... That's all you got?
Well, I had more
at the beginning of your speech,
and then I forgot it by the end.
Sorry. It was just so long.
Oh, hey. Thank you.
I can't believe this place
is still in business.
What are we even doing here?
The food was always so terrible.
- Are you insane?
- No.
I eat here twice a week.
Here. Just try this, okay?
- Hmm?
- Oh.
- Yeah?
- Why do I remember this place as so bad?
Because that's how you remember
your entire childhood.
You painted the whole thing
with a shit brush, but it's not true.
You're right.
This is good.
This place hasn't changed one bit, either.
Those women are still so rude
and disappointed
that neither of us speak Cantonese.
Hmm. Hello!
Hi, Marcus!
- Hello!
- Marcus!
I learned. Better service.
Oh, also sometimes free shumai.
Mm. Nope, nope.
Every single car has a handicap pass.
Chinese people are hella gangster.
Look at that!
Coming out of their cars all able-bodied.
Hey! Hey, you guys are famous.
Oh, yeah! Yeah!
We're, uh, crushing it
in this neighborhood.
Or, like, this block.
Like, this half of this block,
we're big time.
You make fun of it,
but your band could really be something.
- Eh.
- What do you mean, "eh"?
You used to talk about going
on a world tour.
No, I can't.
My dad needs me here. I'm his caregiver.
His caregiver?
Harry seems like he can give care
to himself.
Yeah, but he's getting older every day,
But don't you want more?
Even just creatively?
Well, creatively I am writing a new song
called "Tennis Ball,"
and I think it's really gonna connect.
So you never wanna step outside
of this community, like, ever?
Like, ever, ever?
Sasha, I don't.
Okay? San Francisco's my home.
These people are my family. I'm good.
All right.
No, that's cool.
So, what are you gonna do
about Brandon?
I guess I have to start dating again. Ugh.
Is there anything worse?
I don't know.
There are all those apps now.
I saw one where a guy can't even message
a girl until he sends her a gift card.
Actually, if you want to know the truth,
I was thinking I'd give dating
the old college try.
But if it doesn't work out, um...
maybe I'll just have a baby on my own.
Really? You think you're at a place
to have a kid on your own?
Why not? So it would only have one parent?
So what? Not everyone has two parents.
I had no parents.
Sasha, you had parents.
I had me.
All right. Don't get mad.
Do whatever you want.
I don't need your go-ahead, Marcus,
but thank you.
Hey, I have a big day tomorrow.
I... I'm catering a wrap party,
so I better get going.
Oh, yeah, I got stuff, too, you know.
Important vent and duct stuff, so...
- All right, well, my car's right there.
- Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Just...
- Oh, oh!
- See you later.
- Okay, bye. See ya.
Welcome, kuwakaribisha,
to Kava Community Center's
slam poetry night!
Sasha, this is amazing.
- Thank you.
- I've never had this kind of food
- at a wrap party.
- Yeah, it's really good.
I hear you're responsible for all this.
Yes, I am. I, uh...
Oh, my God.
And then after the show,
Jenny gave every kid
a hand-painted ceramic swan.
That's so sweet.
Why are you grunting?
'Cause I've always had my doubts
about Jenny.
What? No, you haven't.
I have.
I just didn't wanna meddle.
But now you do.
You know why.
Oh, my God. You got, like,
a lot of dead skin on your face.
Just say whatever it is you want to say.
Because of Sasha.
You and Sasha are great together.
You always have been.
Sasha thinks she knows everything
about everything.
Plus, she's a celebrity now,
and all celebrities are insane.
I once saw Glenn Close order
a pineapple sandwich.
Jenny is a kind and compassionate person.
And she cares about the community.
And Sasha is Sasha.
There's no one else like her,
and you know it.
You do know it, don't you?
That's what I thought.
You don't want to wonder, "What if?"
Tell her how you feel, son.
It's a blur now, it's a blur
All these feelings
I never said a word
It's a blur now, it's a blur
Best of friends
But it's getting absurd
It's a blur now, it's a blur
Wanna tell you
But holding back the urge
It's a blur
And I don't wanna shake the Earth
Or make it worse
But, girl, all the stakes are worth it
- Hey.
- Hey, how's it going?
Great, thanks for meeting me here.
- Oh, I'm so glad you texted me.
- You are?
- Yes! I have some news.
- So do I.
- Mine's big.
- Mine's big, too.
Okay, look, um...
So I was talking to my dad, and, uh...
Okay, I wanna go first! I met someone.
- Um, when?
- At that wrap party I catered.
Marcus, he's amazing.
I can't believe
a guy like this is actually into me.
And I don't normally broadcast
this kind of thing, but...
we had the most insane, freaky-ass sex.
My toes are curled up right now
just thinking about it.
And look, look!
I have a hickey, like a teenager.
What? That looks like it hurt.
- Like, a lot.
- Oh, my God, and this guy, Marcus,
he has, like,
the best qualities of Brandon
even better.
Better than Brandon.
Wow, that's... That's so great.
- Right?
- Yeah.
So... So, what's your news?
- Something about your dad?
- It's...
Uh, well, it's not, like,
news, but I just wanted to see if,
you know, you wanted to have dinner
- with Jenny and me. That's it.
- That's your big news?
Well, how about a double date?
- Uh, yes.
- And you can meet him!
- Amazing.
- Your mind's gonna be blown.
Oh, yeah, it's... Yeah.
Okay, that looks like you might need
to see a doctor or something.
I thought this was a high-end restaurant.
Why am I the only one wearing a tux?
Oh, sorry, I should have told you.
Rich people are done with fancy clothes.
Now it's all $1,000 T-shirts that look
like they were stolen off the homeless.
- Jenny's dressed perfect.
- Oh!
So where's your man?
Oh! There he is!
Oh, my God!
I think that guy is Keanu Reeves.
Hey, boo.
This is how an angel cries
I blame it on my ADD, baby
I wanted to surprise you.
I took a photo of your faces. Look!
You guys look so shocked.
You only capture that shit once!
- Hi, baby.
- Hi, baby.
- I've missed you.
- I missed you, too.
- I've missed you so much.
- I missed your mouth.
I missed your heart.
- Oh, God, I missed your beard.
- I missed your light.
- I missed your chin.
- I missed your soul.
I missed your ass.
I missed your spirit.
I missed your thumbs.
- I missed your eyes.
- You're so good with your thumbs.
I missed how you smell. Oh, my God.
Um, these are, uh, my friends.
- Uh, this is Marcus, and this is Jenny.
- Hi, Jenny.
- Wow.
- Wow.
Now I know what it feels like
to be completely starstruck.
The only stars that matter...
are the ones you look at when you dream.
Thank you.
A pleasure to meet you, Marcus.
Likewise, Keanu. I... I love your outfit.
- Oh, thanks, man.
- Yeah.
- Tom Ford made it custom for me.
- Wow.
- I... I didn't know you wore glasses.
- Oh, I don't.
My eyes are perfect.
This is for a part.
They don't even have lenses in them.
- See?
- Wow.
I love the suit. Classic.
Thank you, thank you.
It's my, uh, old tux from prom.
That's great.
I dropped out of high school,
went to work.
Followed my dream.
Shall we?
- You are stunning.
- Oh, my God.
- You look good.
- What?
You look good.
Let's feast.
- Hey, Charles.
- Good to see you again, Mr. Reeves.
You, too.
may I ask...
do you have any dishes
that play with time?
The concept of time.
we have a meat course
of venison sous vide.
It comes with headphones
so you can hear the sound
of the exact animal
you are about to consume,
illustrating nature's life to death cycle.
And of course, everything you see
on the table tonight is edible.
- Wait, so is this...
- No.
Not the napkin, sir.
Don't eat the napkin, Marcus.
and lettuces encapsulated
and served with dehydrated seaweed
and dried fish flakes.
Sorry, fish food?
- Fish flakes.
- Right.
Which is fish food.
We lightly scale the body
of the fish as it swims
collecting the particles it sheds
into the ocean.
Oh, got it.
So it's fish dandruff.
Clear asparagus soup
extracted with a centrifuge.
The all-black monochrome course.
The flavor of Caesar salad.
Mm! Mm!
I'm sorry.
And to finish,
crystallized lavender sugar bubbles,
prepared by Wallace.
Wait. How come...
Wow! Mm!
- Ah!
- Ooh, wow!
It tastes like a cloud.
- So, Henry...
- It's Marcus.
So, Marcus...
I hear you're in a band.
Oh! They are so awesome.
They could be really huge
if they wanted to be.
Have I heard of you guys
on the festival circuit?
Uh, no, we're just the block band.
that right there...
is what it's all about.
Laboring in obscurity.
Starving and struggling.
The man who embraces
his mediocre nothingness...
shines greater...
than any.
Thank you, Keanu.
- Uh, to Marcus.
- To Marcus.
To Marcus, via Keanu's wise words.
Will you excuse me?
After a meal, I like to stretch my legs.
- Visit with your friends.
- Okay.
- I'm going to get some air.
- I love air.
Let's get some air.
Hey. Hey, don't be weird
about that nothingness thing, huh?
It was a compliment.
- That's just how he phrases things.
- Mm-hmm.
So, what do you think about him otherwise?
Well, you know,
I think he could dial down the theatrics
by, like, 10,000.
Well, he's an actor.
He's a douche.
- Marcus.
- What? You asked me what I thought.
Yeah, well, I really like him.
He's really good...
Shall we continue our evening elsewhere?
Take the party back to my hotel
for a nightcap?
Yes, that would be so much fun.
- Um, what about the bill?
- I took care of it.
Saying I had to get some air
was just a charade.
Oh, um, you didn't even give me a chance
to fight you for it.
It's $6,400.
Less than a residual paycheck
from my hit movie Speed...
but... a little out of your ballpark.
But it's okay.
Thank you.
- I'm going to get the chariot.
- Okay.
I'll get our bags.
Look, okay... I...
I can see
how you would misconstrue that...
cupping of the face thing,
but I know him,
and it was an honest show of affection.
Yeah, he's great.
Everything about him, great.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- It means what it means.
If you're implying
something negative about Keanu,
have you taken a look at Jenny?
Jenny's a good person.
Jenny helps children.
Keanu helps children, too, probably.
He's helped a lot of people.
He was the greatest North American
box office draw
of the '90s and early 2000s.
- Then I'm wrong.
- You are wrong.
You're wrong
about a lot of things in life.
Well, I'm not wrong about the fact
that I'm hungry as hell
after a $6,400 dinner.
Hey! Can I get a monochrome burrito to go?
Just kidding. Kidding.
Very full.
Glad I wore my Spanx. See?
- I'm the man in the box...
- Oh... my... God.
Are you serious?
Uh, hello?
- We're out here!
- Marcus.
In my shit
- Over here!
- Hi!
Whoa. This place is lit!
- Welcome.
- Come on in.
You guys want to play a game
or something?
We can call the front desk
and see if they have Cranium.
You know,
the stunt coordinator for John Wick
taught me this game he invented.
It's called "Icebreaker."
It's like Truth or Dare, but...
a little more...
- apocalyptic.
- Ooh!
Sure you don't wanna play charades?
I heard that.
- Cheers.
- Cheers!
- Cheers, baby.
- Cheers.
- Ow!
- Oh.
- Marcus.
- Sorry.
My turn.
Ooh, this is a good one.
Who was your childhood crush?
was Mother Teresa.
Oh, come on.
Martin Luther King Jr.
- What?
- Yes!
My childhood crush was...
Marcus Kim.
- Him?
- When? For those two hours?
The car and Burger King?
No. The entire time.
Eighteen years, I had a crush on you.
No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.
- The whole time?
Yeah. Thank you for noticing.
Even when you told me I make
weird facial expressions when I dance?
That was a neg. I was negging you.
It was supposed to make you like me.
- Why didn't you just say it straight out?
- Because... Marcus, I don't know.
I was young, and dumb,
and scared that you didn't like me back...
You should have said it. We would have...
I mean...
I always thought maybe,
- but, I... I mean...
- Icebreaker is best played
at a pace...
and you two are slowing it down.
Oh, don't worry. That was a long time ago,
and it's been 16 eye-opening years since.
- Who's next?
- He's next.
More wine.
Yes, please!
I love this game.
I feel so close to you guys.
This game is so deep.
It's your turn.
- It's my turn.
- It's your turn.
It's your turn, Keanu.
Who is the most disturbing person
you've ever masturbated to?
Um, Gene Wilder.
Mao Zedong.
Um... Uh, Princess Jasmine
with her midriff top.
A cartoon?
Wow! That's disgusting.
- And Gene Wilder isn't?
- Hey!
Gene Wilder is a cinematic treasure.
What about Mao Zedong?
Have you seen a picture of him?
Of course I have.
I'm very familiar
with Chinese dignitaries, Marcus.
Xi Jinping.
Li Keqiang.
Okay, Keanu, you know everything!
- Fine, I get it.
- Okay! Okay, guys!
This is just a game, right?
All right.
If you had to choose one person
in this room to die,
- who would it be?
- Marcus!
Whoa! All right.
Men should be able
to face their death head-on.
That's fine. I'd kill you, too, Keanu.
I'd kill you just for fun,
even if I didn't have to.
Okay, why don't we play Cranium?
Right, Jenny? Cranium...
I'd kill Marcus.
- What?
- I'm sorry.
But Keanu and Sasha's cultural footprints
are way bigger than yours, babe.
I just couldn't do that to the world.
All right, that's great. You know what?
Um, I don't wanna play this game anymore.
Why, Marcus?
What is it about this game...
that frightens you?
I'm not frightened, Keanu.
You know what? Fine.
Um, I dare you to...
smash that vase on your head.
- Yeah!
- What?
- This vase?
- Yeah!
No problem.
- Whoa! Kea...
- Yeah!
- Jesus Christ.
- Oh, my God, you're bleeding.
You see how easy that was, Marcus?
You see how easy that was?
I never cower in the face of danger.
Is it my turn now?
Yes, it is.
I dare Marcus to strike me.
"Strike you"? What does that even mean?
I'm feeling an energy from you...
like you wanna fight me, man.
- So, hit me.
- No.
We're done. Game over.
- Come on, hit me!
- No!
- Fight him, honey!
- No!
- Hit me!
- God dammit!
Feeling better? Want another go, Henry?
Stop! Stop it!
Shh! Go to sleep.
- Let go of him, Keanu! Stop! Stop!
- Oh!
Heaven let your light shine down
What the hell is your problem?
I don't have a problem, Sasha.
- What's your problem?
- We are out of here. You're a dick.
Ah... Well, this has been
an unfortunate turn of events.
At least let me get you an Uber.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I'm staying.
I'm not going to miss my chance
to talk to Keanu
about the community center.
You can't change the world
without influential people.
So, you need to know famous people
in order to make a difference?
It helps.
Look at everything that Leonardo DiCaprio
has done for climate change.
What has he done for climate change?
He's working on it.
- Told you he was a douche.
- Oh, shut up, Marcus.
- You are just as much to blame for this.
- Me? What did I do?
Oh, I don't know, maybe saying
you'd kill Keanu just for fun?
After he said he'd kill me first.
I mean, What are you thinking?
You need someone on your arm that badly?
Just stop talking, please.
And this whole thing
about having a kid by yourself
if you don't meet someone
in the next five minutes.
I should not have told you that.
Do not repeat that to anyone.
- People are gonna know if you do it.
- Maybe not.
Maybe I'll lie and say the dad died
getting trampled at the Women's March.
- Great idea, Sasha.
- Very noble.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lie to everyone
just like you lie to yourself.
- I don't lie to myself.
- You can't sit still!
You just go and go and go,
and you fill your life up
with these awards,
and deals, and these idiot boyfriends
who are obviously wrong for you,
and you lie to yourself that any of it
is ever, ever going to make you feel
- even slightly less miserable.
- Well, what about you?
Stuck at home with your dad and that car?
You have all this talent,
and you waste it.
You do shit with it.
And you say it's because you don't need
all that and you're happy, but really...
it's because you're scared.
Well, now you have nothing to say to me?
What are you doing?
I don't know.
I... I... I don't know. I'm... I'm sorry.
Yeah, uh, yeah, uh
Yeah, uh
Uh, yeah
I'm just up here, on the left.
I would pawn you my watch
I would pawn you my chain
I would pawn you
This golden diamond ring
This golden diamond ring
- 'Cause I need it so bad
- So bad
I would give you everything
Just so
I could start my life over again
So I could start all over
- Get on up
- Hey!
- Get on up
- Hey!
- Get on up
- Hey!
- Get on up
- Hey!
- Get on up
- Hey!
Oh, my God.
I mean...
you've gotten better.
Well, I've had some practice.
Oh. Oh, really? How much practice?
Hey. Don't slut shame me.
I missed you.
Me, too.
I punched Keanu Reeves...
In the face.
Also, can we talk about the fact
that he called us an Uber Pool?
- I think that was a mistake.
- No.
He definitely got us
the worst option on purpose.
I started at the bottom
Now I'm still at the bottom
Never rise, I fall
Every season is autumn
Yanked from the precipice
Like the statue of Saddam
- Made an exodus just to collect...
- That's my boyfriend!
So broke, my home is an '87 Volvo
My neighbor's in the trunk
He's a half-Korean hobo
I'm famished
The other day I ate a rat sandwich
You wanna hit that?
If you hit on him, I'll mess up your life.
I'll get your social security number.
Mess it up.
- Bounce back
- Bounce back like a tennis ball...
- Bounce back!
- Bounce back like a basketball
- Bounce back
- Bounce back like a soccer ball
Or really any kinda ball
Except a football
Got the Gucci monogram
On my contraband
From the Gucci pills
Down to the Gucci pot
In other words, I'm rich
And I'm living in a mansion
Hanging with Ted Sarandos
And Ted Danson
- Bounce back
- Bounce back like a tennis ball
- Bounce back
- Bounce back like a basketball
- Bounce back
- Bounce back like a soccer ball
Or really any kinda ball
Except a football
Wow, she actually said that to you?
I can't believe it.
She always seemed so sweet in her movies.
Just because somebody
plays a singing teapot in a Disney movie
doesn't mean they're always nice, Marcus.
It's nice to see you like this again.
Like what?
- Yourself.
- Well...
thanks for reminding me how it feels.
How what feels?
I love that you're back home.
Veronica, Denise, she's so beautiful.
- Thank you.
- Isn't she amazing?
I can't stop staring at her.
I mean, no pressure,
but I feel like
I'm a total natural godmother,
like the way I'm cradling her.
You're great.
You just can't cradle her from New York.
Bitch, I will be her fairy godmother.
Okay? I will flit back and forth
to wherever she is, like a fairy.
Okay, the fact that you said "bitch"
while you're holding my baby means
that you are not ready.
Um, so you're still planning
to go to New York?
Yeah. I have to be on-site
to get the restaurant up and running.
Oh, I... I just, I don't know.
I thought you'd stay here for a while.
I was actually hoping you'd come with me.
It'd be so fun to be there with you.
I'm sure they have dive bars in New York
where you can play for free.
Yes. Godmother Sasha.
- I'm gonna godmother the shit out of you.
- That's another strike.
I thought you said fancy was out.
These dudes are all wearing tuxedos.
No, you're fine.
They'll just assume you're a K-pop Star.
Coats required, sir.
You don't have anything less roomy?
This is all we have, sir.
What about those?
No. Those aren't available.
- They're not available?
- No, they belong to people.
Right, and this one doesn't belong
to people,
- because nobody is this big, right?
- The gentleman died, sir.
- The person who owned this died?
- Yes, that's correct.
Oh, Andr the Giant.
- It was Andr the Giant?
- He was a larger gentleman.
You look like 1980s Ellen
when she did stand-up.
Shut up. I am doing this for you.
Hey, you're pulling it off. It's okay.
Good evening.
Lamb carpaccio with a Caesar ice cream?
Absolutely not, thank you.
Quail egg parfait?
Rather shoot myself in the face, thanks.
What? I said thank you.
Sorry, I have to do
this red carpet thing real quick, okay?
Can you hold my purse?
- Oh, yeah, sure.
- Great.
Hey! Love it!
Sasha, smile!
Smile! You look gorgeous!
- Yeah.
- Thank you, Sasha.
Sasha! Tell us about your new
San Francisco restaurant, Saintly Fare.
Oh, all I can say is it's gonna be
something different, innovative.
- Love it!
- How are you handling the breakup
with Brandon Choi?
I wish Brandon nothing but the best.
It was just time for us
to go in different directions.
But I'm here tonight
with my new boyfriend,
Marcus Kim.
- Is he a chef, too?
- No, no, no, he's in heat and air.
He's just a regular guy.
Sasha, nice to see you.
God, I can't believe
we're opening Saintly Fare tonight.
Phew, I'm nervous.
You thought the last event was crazy?
Wait till you see what it's like
- opening night of a restaurant.
- Hmm.
I'm just glad this is the last thing
for a while.
not really. Remember,
I'm off to New York next week.
You're still coming, right?
Oh, um...
Well, I'm not sure I can, I got my dad
and that Southie's audition, so...
So, come after the audition.
Well, maybe. We'll see.
So, when are you planning on coming back?
I wasn't.
I'm... moving on to the next thing.
You know?
Oh, right. Right.
It's because you're a celebrity chef.
Who came up with that term anyway?
It's so pretentious.
Great, well, it wasn't me, okay?
You know what other term I hate?
"Elevated Asian cuisine."
Asian food isn't supposed to be
"elevated." It's supposed to be authentic.
That's what you used to make with my mom.
I don't know why you're doing
this kinda stuff now.
Oh, so now you're saying
my food isn't authentic.
It's not authentic.
Asian food shouldn't be served
in a shot glass.
It should be served in a big ass bowl.
You're just catering to rich white people.
Well, if you think I'm such a sellout,
then why are you dating me?
If you think I'm just a regular guy,
then why are you dating me?
Oh, I know,
it's because you need someone
to carry your purse.
I called you "a regular guy"
as a compliment.
- You aren't caught up in all the bullshit.
- The way you are?
Oh, right.
Instead, you smoke weed every night
'cause that's so much more noble.
God forbid someone relax
in Sasha Tran's presence.
Don't shame me
for going after things, Marcus!
- You're so scared to do anything new.
- I'm not scared.
Okay? I just don't want to be some dude
on your arm
so you don't have to show up
to places alone.
Why not?
What's wrong with that?
What's wrong with you supporting me?
No one would question it
if it was the other way around.
You don't support me.
You hate the band. You hate Ragga.
I don't hate the band!
I think the band is great.
Too great to be stuck playing
in that shithole!
Well, I love that shithole!
Sorry if it isn't "elevated" enough
for you.
You know what, Marcus? Don't come tonight.
- Sasha, look, I didn't mean to...
- I love you, Marcus.
I've loved you since we were kids.
And I don't need you to live my life,
but I need you to understand
that this is my life.
I want to be with you.
I want to come home to you,
even when you're being an asshole.
After the opening,
I'm gonna go to New York,
and if you don't want to come with me,
then just say it.
I don't want to go to New York with you.
You are such a fucking coward.
Walk out, shots out
When it's dark out
Cops out, chalk out
When it's dark out
When you feel like
It's too dark for you
Don't forget about your light
Don't forget
About your light
Make sure to leave some seats
at the bar open for walk-ins
and tell Andre not
to order dried shiitakes. Only fresh.
Okay. You sure you're gonna be okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I came here to open the restaurant,
and that's what I did.
- On to the next.
- Ok. I know this is gonna make you mad,
but I'm just gonna say it.
Don't give up on this.
I don't want to see you live a life
of regret
and think, "Maybe if I tried harder..."
- What am I supposed to do?
- Just talk to Marcus.
I'm done talking to Marcus.
I'll call you from New York.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
Hey, dad, I got us some Panera Bread...
- Dad?
- Marcus.
- Donna Summer?
- Diana Ross.
- Kathy.
- Dad!
Okay, now that we've all met,
who wants some dinner?
- How long has this been going on?
- For a while now.
We hit it off at the party,
and you know how much I love Diana Ross.
How come you never told me?
I didn't know how you'd react.
Did Sasha leave for New York?
Um, yeah. Yeah, she did.
Why didn't you go with her?
Because I have responsibilities here,
you know?
I got the business, the band, you.
- I'm your caregiver.
- What the hell are you talking about?
- I don't need a caregiver.
- Yes, you do, Dad.
You think I can't stick a needle
in my own ass?
Well, why have I been doing it?
You're using me as an excuse
not to live your life.
You need me, okay?
You lost Mom.
I can't leave you, too.
We both lost your mom.
And as hard as it was,
it was her time to go.
Now, I thought if I gave you space,
someday you'd be able to let go
and move on.
But you just sat there
and let the world pass you by.
It kills me seeing you like this
because I know it would have broken
your mother's heart.
Hey, at some point...
you're gonna have to take a chance
on something, son.
And please,
don't be a downer in front of Kathy.
Don't leave me hanging
Oh! There they are. Hey, buttholes!
I got here early for a little pregame.
Well, what... what's going on?
You and Sasha broke up?
- What? When did that happen?
- Hey, check it out.
It is audition night at Southie's.
No one knows us on this side of town,
and I'm okay with that.
Let's do this!
Yeah, yeah!
- Bounce back
- Back like a tennis ball
- Bounce back
- Bounce back like a racquetball...
Time out. I just need to...
...take care of this.
Question: Where's the men's room?
You're the most selfish person
I've ever met!
You know, you don't care about the band.
You don't care about us.
Marcus, I lost 50 pounds,
and you don't even care enough to notice.
Yeah, I wear a medium now.
The tricky part's keeping it off.
I am aware of that, Ginger!
I don't need her, guys.
Just tell me that I'm better off
without her and I don't need her.
I hate her lifestyle, and she hates mine.
Come on, Tony.
Just tell me that me
and Sasha were a match made in hell
and this is all for the best.
I don't know what to say to you, Marcus.
I'm literally telling you exactly
what to say, word for word.
You messed up, man.
Hi, leave me a message.
I am so sorry.
I messed up.
I know this is too little too late,
and you probably
never want to talk to me again, but...
I don't know, I'm gonna keep trying.
I can't let another 16 years go by
without talking to you.
Hey, it's, um, me again.
So, Southie's gave us another chance,
and we killed it.
Oh, and, um, I don't know
if you got the link I texted you,
but I took over merch from Quasar
and set up an online store,
and, uh,
our sales have gone through the roof,
which is, like, totally crazy.
Okay, I know you're probably sick
of hearing from me,
but I just wanted to let you know
that I moved out.
Got my own place.
It's small, but at least it's shitty.
Uh, and I'm actually gonna be
near your restaurant tomorrow,
so I figured I'd stop by and see
if maybe you're in San Francisco.
I just...
I just really want to talk to you, so...
...okay, uh, bye.
Mom? Dad?
- Surprise!
- We came to visit you.
- In New York?
- Yeah!
We have free airline vouchers,
and we found your address on the Google.
Only two Sasha Tran in this area,
but the other one is a baby.
Sasha... goodness.
Hey! Your apartment is beautiful.
Seriously, you guys didn't have to fly
all the way out here.
We heard Food & Wine magazine
is giving you a big award,
- and we wanted to come support you.
- Wow.
That's a first.
Okay, um...
we... we know you're mad at us
because we weren't around much
- when...
- "Much"?
You used to leave me home alone
for an entire day, Mom.
We're trying our best
to make up for it now.
What's this?
A receipt.
We went to your new restaurant
in San Francisco,
and we didn't tell them
we were your parents,
and we pay everything in full price.
No way.
We have so many pictures
we could have shown
as proof we were family,
but we didn't bring them.
Daddy and I even ordered extra shrimp.
May I have this dance?
To make it up to you
Can I say something crazy?
I love you
Give me both your hands
Uh, sir?
Hi, can I help you?
Oh, yeah.
Um, is Sasha Tran here by any chance?
- I'm afraid not.
- How about Veronica?
I'm an old friend.
She's in the office upstairs.
Cool, thanks.
Veronica, hi.
There's a very middle-class man
on his way up to see you.
Now we're down to the last two
Now we're down to the last two
May I have this dance?
To make it up to you
Can I say something crazy?
I love you
- Give me both your hands
- Hey.
To make it up to you
She's the reason our sales went up.
She's been ordering all the stuff online
under a fake name,
having it sent here.
What name?
I thought she never wanted
to talk to me again.
Why would she do this?
You cute, but you dumb.
To make it up to you
- Oh, yeah
- The fancy cars
The women and the caviar
- You know who we are
- Hello. Can I help you?
- Check the attitude, bitch.
- Okay.
I'm flying to New York
in the morning.
My friend Keanu Reeves
recommended you guys.
Have you heard of Keanu Reeves?
He's my friend.
I punched him in the face.
I'll take that one.
Uh, excellent choice, sir.
- Champagne?
- Oh, no, thank you.
Of course, champagne! Pour that shit!
All right. Thank you.
Let me just get the tag for you.
Get it off me! Get it off me!
Take it off! It's burning.
- Help you?
- Yeah.
I'll take this suit for $219.32.
It comes with a belt
and two pairs of pants.
That is a very versatile ensemble.
It's great for court dates,
entry-level job interviews,
high school reunions,
where, like, you don't want them to know
how successful you are.
Ooh, bitch, you better
Ooh, bitch, you better
Ooh, bitch, you better
You better hit it
'Cause you should know better
Touch down on the stage
And know, bitch, I ain't come to play
Clap, clap when I sing
So I know that you feelin' me
It's your moment now
Sing it, sing it, sing it, shine
Ooh, karaoke, yeah
Sasha! This way, please!
- Sasha! Sasha!
- Sasha! Over here!
- Sasha!
- Hey.
- Sasha!
- Sasha, who's your date tonight?
Uh, well, I couldn't decide on just one,
so I brought two.
Quoc and Sandy Tran,
- my parents.
- Aw!
- Get them in the photo with ya.
- Come on.
Mom, Dad, you're lookin' beautiful.
Excuse me. Uh, I have a question!
What are you doing here?
I came here to find you.
Uh, the whole plane ride over here,
I was trying to figure out
how I could say this in some great way,
but I couldn't,
so I'm just gonna say it badly.
I wanna be where you are.
I don't care where it is.
I don't care what outfit I have to wear.
I don't care if I have to eat
a lot of tiny, little things that I hate.
I... I just wanna be with you.
I wanna make you laugh.
I want you to call me out
when I'm not pushing myself hard enough.
I want to have a lot of sex with you.
I probably should have left
the sex part out.
I'm worried that I cheapened it.
Anyway, I just...
I want to have a family with you.
I want to spend my life with you.
Even if it scares me,
even if I'm as scared every day
as I am right now.
So my question is this:
Sasha Tran...
can I hold your purse for you?
That was the bad version?
- It was good?
- It was great.
- You liked it?
- I loved it.
Kiss already!
Let's go get your award.
- Look this way, please!
- Sasha, thank you!
- This is fancy.
- Yeah, you like it?
- Where is that from?
- Suits 'N Stuff.
- Oh, my... What is that?
- Came with two pairs of pants.
I think they're paper.
- Paid for it myself.
- What?
- With the merch money.
- Oh!
Oh, I cannot believe you did that.
And we are honored to present
our Visionary of the Year award to...
Sasha Tran!
What an amazing night.
Are you still hungry?
The main course was a rice noodle
wrapped around a fig.
Well, lucky for you,
I know a great new place.
Unlimited quail egg parfait.
- Oh, great.
- Yeah.
It's a buffet of parfait.
We don't open for a week,
but we're deep in prep mode.
I love it.
It looks so different
from your other restaurant.
Come here.
I wanna show you something.
Hey, is it ready?
Yes, Chef.
It's just like my mom's.
It's all her recipes.
This is what I want to do, Marcus.
The kind of food
that makes people feel at home.
The way your mom always made me feel.
You win.
This beats my speech.
It's gonna be hard to give you
an unbiased Yelp review.
Oh, Sasha, thank you again
for flying us out for this.
I couldn't imagine doing it
without you, Mr. Kim.
So, um, what do you think?
Think she would have liked it?
She would have loved it.
Baby, baby, baby...
I accept.
- Sorry?
- Yes! I will be your baby's godmother.
Oh! We asked Denise's sister
to be the godmother.
- What?
- Just kidding, girl. You know it's you.
- Hey, so postpartum is real.
- Shh! Come on. This is the opening.
Our love will never die, no
You'll always be a part of me
Maybe next we can make
Hello East Coast Peril happen.
- Yeah, I'd be down for that.
- Taking the Bay Area cross-country.
Hey, you're looking good, by the way.
What is that? A medium?
- European slim cut, baby.
- Uh-oh!
Best 600 bucks I ever spent.
I'm so hungry all the time.
I ain't gonna cry, no
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave, boy
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably...
- I'm so proud of you.
- Thank you.
You think everyone knows
I punched Keanu Reeves?
You should probably write a song about it
just to be sure.
I'm part of you indefinitely
Oh, boy
Don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh, darling
'Cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Hello, hello, hello
Best believe I punched Keanu Reeves
And it was better
Than any scene you could see in Speed
I hit John Wick
And now I'm feeling so appealing
Basically, I'm a god
You could call me Hercules
Best believe I punched Keanu Reeves
And it was better
Than any scene you could see in Speed
I'm tellin' you, for real
I punched Neo
He could duck bullets
But he couldn't duck me
I'm feelin' so refreshed
The new sheriff's in town
Check the button on my vest
It's Keanu with a bruise
Around the oculus
Now I'm just cruisin' the metropolis
In my prime, like Optimus
Everything is half-full
I'm an optimist, haven't done ish
Yet, I feel accomplished
Best pugilist
Blessed with an iron fist
Strong enough
To survive the apocalypse
And any summit I could be on
Any point break
I could surf with my Gui on
Take any fighter, any class
I'mma put you on your ass
Then I'll pee on you peons for eons
And eons and eons
And eons, etcetera
Not a tall fellow
But nobody can measure up
And if you wanna feel similar to this
All I had to do was coldcock
An icon of cinema
Best believe I punched Keanu Reeves
And it was better
Than any scene you could see in Speed
I hit John Wick
And now I'm feeling so appealing
Basically, I'm a god
You can call me Hercules
What an excellent adventure
I wouldn't be surprised
If Keanu's wearing dentures
I've got a high-five
That can make a man die
I should be with the Justice League
And the Avengers
Taking out contenders with glee
And as happy as can be, low-key
'Cause the only thing better
Than punching Keanu Reeves
Is the fact that his girl chose me
I bet you didn't think
This was a love song
But the reason
I'm at my pinnacle right now
Is I hit him in the eye
Then I became her guy
And her love has me feeling invincible
No doubt
Get it?
So I don't think I'll ever jet it
Plus, he was a jerk
So I really don't regret it
I'll celebrate that day
From now till forever
Or at least
Till the end of the credits, credits
Best believe I punched Keanu Reeves
And it was better
Than any scene you could see in Speed
I hit John Wick
And now I'm feeling so appealing
Basically, I'm a god
You could call me Hercules
Best believe I punched Keanu Reeves
And it was better
Than any scene you could see in Speed
I'm tellin' you, for real
I punched Neo
He could duck bullets
But he couldn't duck me
Uh, uh, uh
Yeah, yeah
Best believe I punched Keanu Reeves
And it was better
Than any scene you could see in Speed
I'm tellin' you, for real
I punched Neo
He could duck bullets
But he couldn't duck me