American Crude (2008) Movie Script

JOHNNY: Oh, what a
tangled web we weave.
When first we practice
to deceive.
That's Bill Shakespeare.
He knew it 500 years ago.
The art of deception has created
wars, destroyed kingdoms...
brought down the world's
greatest empires.
And it was a crude web of lies that
I wove that led to my downfall.
See that guy there?
That's me, Johnny Grand.
- Not so long ago, I had it all.
Big house in the suburbs,
beautiful wife, plenty of dough.
The American dream.
And this is the story
of how I lost it all.
Meet my friend Carlos,
ex-client, another jailbird.
Only this one has
just flown the coop
with a little help
from yours truly.
I went to law school
with the right intentions...
but I got lost
somewhere along the line.
Felonious Spinks,
friend of Carlos.
Sometimes lover,
sometimes whipping boy.
Plays her almost as well
as he plays the saxophone.
-(JOHNNY MOANING) - This is my wife, Jane.
She likes it on top.
Always has to be in control.
Always did.
Earth to Johnny.
What? What did you say? What?
We were making love and you just
drifted off in your own world again.
Who are you fantasizing about?
trying not to come.
I want you inside me.
This is my best friend, Bill.
Bill fucked up. He trusted me.
Come on, honey,
I don't want to be late again.
I haven't even put on
my goddamn makeup yet.
Can't you put it on in the car?
I don't want to be
Mr. and Mrs. Tardy.
All right, you know what?
Don't start with me.
Jesus Christ.
JOHNNY: This is Olivia, my
ex-girlfriend and the love of my life.
Next week she's marrying Bill.
-(MOANS) - What are you doing?
Let me go.
(GRUNTS) Let go.
What the hell was that?
I want a kid.
I don't.
Too bad, I'm ovulating.
- You said you were on the pill.
- Oh.
(CHUCKLES) I lied.
Did you just baby-rape me?
JOHNNY: Meet Gigi LaRush,
exotic dancer. Very gifted.
I plea-bargained my way...
out of her third
solicitation offense
by setting the judge up
with a hooker.
Gigi owes me.
Goddamn sink.
Right now, Gigi's biggest
problem is her plumbing.
But by midnight it'll be murder.
JOHNNY: This is Enrique.
He thinks God is on his side.
-(DOOR OPENS) - He kidnaps young
girls, sells them for profit.
A long time ago he left Carlos
for dead.
His past will catch up to him
before the night is through.
And this is my father,
dear old Dad.
A master of deception
and a tower of corruption.
He's the perfect Republican.
He doesn't know it yet,
but he's in for a fall.
The boat leaves in the morning.
Bring me another one tonight.
Just like the last one.
A cheerleader.
Nice and young.
A teenybopper.
JOHNNY: Introducing Tammy Snow.
All she wants is to follow
her dreams.
These are the players,
this is the night...
of the grand tragedy
that changed my life.
And this is how it all began.
Who were you thinking about?
When we were making love and
you were lost in some world.
Who were you fantasizing about?
I told you... ...I wasn't
fantasizing, I was concentrating.
(SIGHS) You fantasize about
other women, you said so.
Yeah, all men do that,
that's not the point.
Oh. I'd hope I'd be enough.
Don't take it personally,
none of us are.
What was the point
of getting married?
Marriage serves a perfectly useful and
reasonable sociological function.
Well, that's romantic.
It's necessary, what separates
us from the animals.
You're troubled,
do you know that?
You need to take one of those
mood medications or something.
Why do you always invalidate my
point by suggesting I'm unbalanced?
(SCOFFS) Well, aren't you?
Who isn't unbalanced?
You're not the poster child
for mental health yourself.
Oh, so now I'm crazy.
See, manipulation.
I'm damned if I do,
I'm damned if I don't.
That's how you work,
how women work.
It's Mr. Grand.
Hey, Mr. Grand,
good to talk to you.
Good to talk to you too.
Remember that conversation
we had last week?
That's right.?
Oh, yeah.
You score for me tonight...
you got a thousand big ones
coming your way.
A thousand?
That's right, a grand.
No, no problem.
That's what I like to hear.
Yeah, no problem, bye.
Yes, dear.
I know what time it is.
JOHNNY: And this is my mother.
The day she filed for divorce,
she fell down the stairs.
Dad claims it was an accident.
Till death do us part.
Well, now, that should
just about do it.
What seems to be the trouble?
Well, now, from what I could
deduce of the situation...
your drainage system was
entangled with a prophylactic.
The good news is that your
sink was never the problem.
Here it was with your garbage
disposal all along. And this...
This little fellow right here.
Why, he was gumming up
all the works.
Listen, Jim...
I'm a little low on cash right now.
Is there anything I can get...
anything I can do for you?
I could use a glass of milk.
I don't have milk,
just cream for coffee.
That'd be just dandy.
A coffee?
No, just the cream, thanks.
Just a glass of cream?
Oh, boy, that'd be just dandy.
Hey, sk8er boy.
Webcam's still out, huh?
You said we were gonna hang on
Thursday, and then you never called.
What's the matter? Mommy and
Daddy won't let you out to play?
Tonight? Okay, you're on.
You little cutie-pie.
You'd better be there. Hope
you're as good as you sound.
You know downtown?
Like the back of my litter box.
You are a bad little kitty.
I live just east
of the convention center...
at 8th Street and...
Goddamn useless piece of shit.
How's your cream, Jim?
You know, Jim...
I'm running a little late
for work tonight, so maybe...
just this once we could
take a rain check?
I know what you do for work.
You don't exactly
have to "clock in."
I'm real sorry,
but I don't take rain checks.
I expect full payment upon completion
of each and every job I do.
And you know that.
Yeah, I know.
I'm sorry,
it was wrong of me to ask.
What would you like?
A spit and a polish
would do the trick.
Yes, baby. Thattagirl.
Get in the car, Carnelito,
you're driving.
Where's the girl?
- I thought you said you were getting
me laid tonight. -(SMACKS LIPS)
Hold your horses,
she's in the trunk.
In the trunk?
In the trunk.
Well, is she hot?
She's a real animal.
OLIVIA: What are you doing?
What do you mean?
Fucking rush me...
telling me how late we are...
and you let that guy in front
like we had all
the time in the world.
Jesus, what difference
does one car make?
Oh, that is what
everyone says, Bill.
I mean, one car turns into another
car, and another, and another.
That's not what this is about.
What is it about, Bill?
Johnny and Jane.
You don't wanna go.
I am having... I'm having a hard
time dealing with them right now.
What? Why?
Wha... I don't get it.
What, what? You just
suddenly outgrown them?
Yeah, kind of like
Puff the Dragon,
and little Jackie Paper,
you know?
It's just time to move on.
What the fuck was that about?
That jerk almost took off
the front end of our car.
Well, then, don't shout at me,
it is not my fault.
I'm not shouting at you!
I'm just frustrated.
Then don't let him get away
with it, you know?
God, do something about it.
Like what?
I don't know, something.
God. Give him the finger.
Tell him to fuck off.
Broadside him, whatever.
Just don't do nothing.
Come on, you fucking wetbacks!
You fucking lowlife losers!
Come on! Hey.
You trying to get us killed?
Have you ever
heard of road rage?
The guy could have a gun.
You are always so careful.
Just so fucking predictable.
I mean, what in the hell
are you so angry about?
I don't know.
You know,
I wish you'd figure it out.
Because we're getting married
next week...
and I don't want to spend the
rest of my life defending myself.
JOHNNY: Wait, we can't fulfill
each other's every need.
We marry who we marry.
Most people don't change.
Men and women will never
truly understand each other.
We can try to make
the best of it.
We can't possibly be everything
to each other all the time.
- Hence your desire for other women.
- That's not my desire.
That's just the man in me. That's
the nature of being a man.
What exactly is that? Do tell.
I'm just saying that I can't
change my animal desires.
You understand? That's the point
I'm trying to get across.
Good point. I'm gonna get
off this roller coaster.
I have potato salad to make.
Yo, Carlos, what's up, baby?
Your man is home,
and he gots presents for you.
You getting all clean and
fresh for Daddy, aren't you?
You got everything we need?
Yeah, I got the hot dogs, the
beer, the T-shirt, the jeans.
I even stopped over there at Trashy
Lancey's Lingerie on Flower...
and picked up some of the
finest finery fit for a ho.
You're the pimp.
You got the weapons?
I got everything in the trunk.
What's up with Enrique?
First of the month,
tonight's the night.
Tonight? Man, you done
had my ass running all day.
All right, I know how to do this.
I'm gonna take me a nap.
Get up off your
lazy black ass. It is D-day.
Hey, man, look. Do not be
bitch-slapping me like that.
You want a fucking life, huh?
- You want the bling-bling?
- You know it's not even about that.
We've had this
conversation before.
I know you running the show,
and you got the booty...
but don't ever treat me like some
lackey-ass nigger along for the ride.
I treat you like a nigger?
You call me "nigger"
all the time.
Your black friends call each
other nigger. "Hey, nigger."
Don't bring my
friends into this.
That's our culture and
that's our way of relating.
- You know that.
- That's called Ebonics, man. Right?
You need to check yourself.
Somebody's going to get hurt
and it ain't gonna be me.
You going to hurt me, bitch?
Oh, now I'm your bitch, huh?
- Yeah, you're my bitch.
- All right, I'm a show you a bitch.
What's wrong?
I can't, Kip.
Well, sure you can.
I know I can,
but I don't want to.
If you loved me,
you'd do it with me.
If you loved me...
I mean if you really loved me
in your heart of hearts,
you'd wait.
You wouldn't push me.
Push you? We've been going out
for almost three weeks.
I already gave you more time than
other boys at school would've.
- I mean, we're gonna be seniors next year.
- I know.
We're moving into adulthood.
It's time.
Are you saying
I should just do it?
You know, "it,"
because it's time?
God tells you when it's time.
Now, what are you talking about?
Take puberty, for example. That's
what God does to our bodies...
so we know we're ready.
God did it to us?
Yes, in a manner of speaking.
If God made us,
then he must have designed us.
A girl can have her period,
she can have babies.
And once a boy can pop his rock,
he's got all the ammunition
he needs.
Can I have that smoke?
It just figures that...
if God wanted us to wait until
we were grown to have sex...
then he would have
made us that way.
I want to make
something of myself, Kip.
God, I know it sounds crazy...
but I feel like I'm
special somehow, you know.
And I don't want
to go getting pregnant...
before I get the chance
to follow my dreams.
I don't want to ruin
your dreams.
I just want us to feel good.
Better get your
hands off her, boy.
Mr. Snow, it ain't what it looks like.
I was helping her with her...
I know what you were
helping her with.
Get on down here, little girl.
Hey, I'm not a little girl
anymore, Daddy.
Get your ass down here now!
MR. SNOW: Hurry up.
I hope you're proud of yourself.
Smoking cigarettes and slutting it
up, right here under my own roof.
Hey, I ain't no slut. Oh!
- You, I'm going to kick your ass.
- Daddy, leave him alone.
You dirty little dog. Get ready.
MR. SNOW: This is it.
I've had enough of you.
Goddamn it. Yeah, you'd
better run, you little turd.
About to get the ass-whipping
of your life, boy.
Kip! Kip! Kip!
Get back here, little girl.
Good, good.?
Hi. Yeah.
Hey, so where's Johnny?
ALL: Surprise!
Surprise, honey.
I've missed you.
Yeah, me too.
Oh, I'm so happy for you.
You are gonna make
such a beautiful bride.
Hey, wake up, buddy. You're
signing your death certificate.
The end of sex. The end of freedom.
It's all downhill from here.
You should know. After all,
you know everything.
You're catching on. Does this
mean it's all over between us?
Stop, all right?
Get your breath off my face.
You need to tame your beast.
Bil Yeah? Man.
You are one lucky lady. You got
yourself a keeper right here.
Oh, I love you so much.
We gotta get out of here.
Are we ready to go?
This estrogen's gonna kill me.
Where you guys going?
Boys' night out.
Bachelor party, you know...
Bachelor party? I told you...
I told you I don't
want a bachelor party.
Now, Bill, you can't go
against tradition.
This is your last
opportunity to enter
that free world
with your balls intact.
Well, thank you very much. My
balls will always be intact.
We took a lot of time to make
sure that you two had a night...
that you would never forget.
So stick with the program.
Besides, we have plans of our
own that don't include you.
Wh Bye. Ans?
You're pussing out on me, Bill.
Don't puss out on me.
We've been through a lot together.
This is a big night.
I just don't want to disgrace the
whole point of the celebration.
JOHNNY: Being what?
Our marriage.
What is the matter with you?
I seem to recall
at Phil's bachelor party...
you were wrangling a dime out of a
stripper's ass with your canine teeth.
That doesn't count.
You know how I used to get
when I got wasted.
You were the life
of the fucking party.
You know what? That wasn't me.
That was the booze, the blow.
That was before I got married.
You're not married.
Engaged. You know what I mean.
I don't know what you mean.
That's the point of this thing.
We're celebrating
the last of your singledom.
JOHNNY: I will guarantee the girls
know how to have a send-off.
They make us out
to be the animals,
but they want it
worse than we do.
Indiscriminate seed,
it's in their biology.
I saw something
on Animal Planet about that.
They go into heat like dogs.
Like bitches, right?
That's right, Phil.
It's a proven theory, accepted in
the majority of scientific circles.
Men want sex, women need the seed.
And if you can't keep...
the high, hard one coming, she's
going to be looking elsewhere.
Well, I got no problems there.
- Yeah, you're a regular stud, are you?
Olivia and I make love
every night, no matter what.
Bullshit, you do not.
Give me a fucking break.
No couple makes
love every night.
You got a better chance
to win the lottery...
and get struck by lightning
on your way to cash the ticket.
Hate to burst your cynical
bubble, Johnny, but, yes, we do.
Olivia and I make
love every night.
- What about when you're fighting?
- Doesn't matter.
What about if she's got a cold or
she's got a bronchial infection?
At the first sign of a sniffle,
I cut Jane off from
all physical contact.
I don't catch cooties to prove I love her.
I'm sensitive enough...
not to bump uglies
when she's sick.
You always do this.
You jump all over
one trivial thing
and just run it into the ground.
It's what I do, I'm a litigator.
I'm just going to turn around.
Wait, you can't go back.
Why not?
The girls are back there,
and they got it going on.
What are they doing?
That is one funky-ass,
psychedelic sunset.
You should see
the sunsets in Cuba.
You remember Cuba?
You never forget
your first sunset.
So how'd you...?
How'd you get out of there?
How'd you get out of Cuba?
My mother. She sold her sex
on the streets of Havana...
to get money to send me
and my aunts to the States.
She said she would come,
but she never did.
And then we came to Miami,
and we meet a man.
And he take us here.
He was a bad man.
Made us promises,
made a whore of my aunt...
and when he tried
to do it to me, I escaped.
And he found me.
And him and Spence...
they did bad things to me.
That's what all this
firepower's for?
Wait, you said something
about some money.
You said we were going to be
breaking the bank tonight.
We are. Enrique and his brother,
they're the ones with the money.
It's a full moon.
And the full moon
brings out the lunatics.
My Yankee Doodle Dandy.
Who is it?
Mr. Grand, it's me, Manny.
Oh, Manny.
Come in.
What the hell is that?
It's a surprise.
Ta-da what?
It's a lamb.
It's a sheep.
You want to tell me what
it's doing in my apartment?
You told me to bring you a lamb.
That was a metaphor.
What's a metaphor?
A comparison
not using "like" or "as."
By "lamb" I meant "girl."
A young girl.
It's just that... You showed me that movie.
I figured...
I mean, you said people get off on...
What you call it?
Yeah. Exactly.
So we brought the lamb.
So you want me to... (CHUCKLES)
film you having your way with it?
Not me.
Julio here's gonna do it.
So you want me to pay you to
film your one-eyed friend...
with a dead sheep.
Necrophilia meets bestiality.
She ain't dead, she's sleeping.
Get back here, you wooly bitch.
Hey. Watch the table.
Get that thing out of here.
Get him out of here! Get that
thing out of my apartment.
Watch the... Watch the table.
Goddamn it. Goddamn. Stop it!
Get him, Julio.
Get him out of here, goddamn it.
Grab him!
YeHit it..
Clean hit. No blood.
She's sleeping like a baby.
And when she comes to,
she'll be easy as pie.
We just prop her up and Julio
buries the meat puppet.
What the fuck?
So what? What does it matter
if it's a he or a she?
I ain't no homo.
You would fuck a girl sheep,
but not a boy sheep.
I would not fuck a boy.
But you would fuck a sheep.
Gentlemen, could you please
curb your language?
My lovely wife is right there,
and she may seem out of it...
but believe me, she doesn't
miss a fucking thing.
could you come here a second?
Would you tell your one-eyed
friend to wait in the car?
Look, Julio, why don't you go
on down and wait in the car?
Oh, and, Julio,
take the sheep with you.
Sit down, Manny.
Now Hmm.ny...
I like you.
You have imagination.
But if we are going
to work together,
it is imperative
that you understand...
the delicate balance
of supply and demand.
Eighty percent of the population
like the kind of things...
that they find
on the Playboy Channel.
Sexy, sometimes even a little
rough, but always romantic.
There's about another 15 to 17
percent that like the nasty shit.
S&M, bondage, role-playing,
They like it somewhat sick, but
they like it done tastefully.
The other three to five percent,
the clientele that I cater to...
they want a rush.
They want it illegal, they
want it nastier than nasty.
This audience
is comprised mostly of men,
as you might have guessed.
Men who have their
primal roots firmly in hand.
But even they, God bless their
pagan souls, have their limits.
No sheep?
No man wants to watch
another man fuck a sheep.
This is something
I'd never realized.
I'm not surprised.
And what do you
think my clientele
would like to see
upon that screen?
A beautiful woman?
No, Manny.
A girl. A beautiful girl.
Like Hollywood, right?
They make all that sick shit
with them teen bitches...
because that's what sells.
That's right, Manny.
We're talking box office here.
Oh, now, that's
what I'm talking about, baby.
Oh, shut up.
Why don't you put
the toilet seat down, huh?
Don't start with that shit.
Why don't you ever put it up?
Every time I go to take a piss,
the toilet seat is down.
- And?
- Why should I put it down for you...
when you don't have the
decency to put it up for me?
That's why you open the door.
I am woman, hear me roar.
Yeah, yeah,
well, check this out, woman...
if each one of us took
responsibility for our own shit...
we'd be better off.
You got everything?
I am locked and loaded, baby.
All right, come here.
Hey, Courtney, three Cuervo.
Check out those hooters.
Oh, damn, that right there...
That's the good shit, right there.
JOHNNY: That's silicone.
BILL: Silicone?
JOHNNY: Silicone, that stands
up like good soldiers.
No, that was a crime
when they outlawed that.
No, the silicone...
the good stuff,
the hard shit.
You know, the saline?
The saline sucks.
Saline is like a baggie
full of water, you know?
I could buy a goldfish
if I wanted that.
I never thought
about it like that.
Well, what do you
think about, Phil?
Killing Cindy.
Where I'd bury her body.
All right..
I don't know why a woman
would do that to her body.
What don't you understand?
It's gotta hurt.
Maybe she wants bigger tits.
Yeah, is it the... He gets it.
I think you're on to something.
Or maybe she's a victim
of media-driven propaganda.
Maybe she thinks
unless she has huge tits
she's not going
to be good enough.
- Some aesthetic they can't live up to...
- "Blah, blah, blah, victim..."
Listen, you know, she's got fake tits.
You've got money.
You think that that
puts you in control?
End of the night, she goes home
with the tits and the money.
What do you go home with? Him.
Look at her. Look at her.
You see those tits?
You think those are tits?
No, that's not tits.
Meal ticket. Meal ticket.
The bigger the tits,
the better the prospects.
You get rid of those hooters,
what is she?
- Hooter-less?
- Yes, exactly, she's hooter-less.
Would you go to a place
called Hooter-less? No.
If they have a good buffet,
it could be popular.
I am so wasted. I gotta...
We gotta go. I'm wasted.
SPINKS: Why are we
following the little dog...
when the big dog
has all the money in the safe?
CARLOS: The little dog's got
keys to the big dog's apartment.
Big dog's got big guns.
That makes sense.
So where is he going?
The cash drop-off
at the bus station.
- We gonna do him at the station?
- Come on.
You think I put on
this outfit for you?
Yeah, doll, you know.
Come on, come on, business
before pleasure, let's go.
It's not easy at
a time like this
to put into words
what it means to me...
to have the privilege
of knowing you.
To know that there will always
be someone there...
no matter how
tough times are.
Someone you can share your
deepest, most intimate feelings...
your disappointments,
your deepest desires.
Someone you could trust
with your life.
Someone like Olivia.
To my best friend.
Hey, boozie,
let's get a chilidog.
(C Uh.ES)
Is he all right?
Are you all right?
You wanna pull over?
I am seriously
fucked up right now.
Here. How about a pick-me-up?
You really are the fucking
devil, you know that?
Let's just say
we run in the same crowd.
Attaboy, Billy.
Just like riding a bicycle.
BILL: Fuck.
Why are Food. Opping?
Soak up the alcohol before we
take you back. Come on, Phil.
I'm gonna stay here.
You don't want food?
Yeah, I'll take some.
Come on,
I'm not carrying it myself.
Hey. Hey, you can't leave
the car started here.
Hey, you can't...
Can I do something for you?
That's funny. I was just about
to ask you the same thing.
Well, can you tell me what the
fuck you're doing in my car?
You've won a trip for two
to the sleazy motel
of your choice.
What the fuck are
you talking about?
I bought her for you.
You can do whatever you want to her.
Right, sweetheart?
Anything your
little heart desires.
- I can't do that. I'm practically married.
- You're not.
Now, will you go
easy on yourself?
Go out and have some fun?
- Taxi.
- Where the fuck are you guys going?
Have fun.
I'm too wasted
for this bullshit.
Everything is
going to be just fine.
Is that a lamb,
or is that a lamb?
That looks like
a very unhappy little lamb.
Maybe she's lost.
Maybe she's lonely.
Maybe she wants to be a star.
Come on, flip a U-ey.
Flip a U-ey, ese, a U-ey.
Hey, are you okay?
I'm fine.
You don't look so fine.
I'm just a little upset,
I guess.
Hey, are you a model?
You know, one of those girls
in the magazines.
No, not really.
Not yet, I guess.
Hey, I happen to have a friend.
He's a bigtime photographer.
He's always looking
for new talent, you know?
Fresh faces.
Yeah, he's hot.
As a matter of fact,
he's looking for
models right now.
And I think you'd be just right.
Wow, that would be amazing.
Do you have an address...
where we could send you
some information?
Not right now.
I ran away.
Well, I could just walk you
over there, see what he thinks.
Well, it's just that
I don't really know y'all.
And I mean, I'm sure you're fine
and everything,
you seem real nice.
- But I kind of...
- I ain't gonna bite you or nothing.
What have you got to lose?
You could be
the next Cindy Caulfield.
Who knows?
Okay, all right.
Why not, right?
Hey, you want a date?
Not interested.
- You don't like the way I look, huh?
- Fuck off.
Or what?
You a faggot, huh? What?
You don't think I'm sexy enough?
Pretty enough? Or young enough?
I can get them young for you,
real young.
How young?
Oh, you like the babies, huh?
That's right.
I got a boss who
likes them young.
His name Enrique?
Your boss, Enrique.
You know my boss?
In the biblical way.
He gangbanged me
with a couple of his friends.
You know what? You look
like one of those guys.
I don't know what kind of game
it is that you're playing, huh?
But you better walk real fast
before I put a
bullet in your head.
Keep walking, bitch.
I'm walking. I'm walking.
Look, I'm walking.
Drop your piece, motherfucker.
Ok Yeah.ay.
You fucking, stupid-ass nigger.
Hey, driver,
pull over at the corner.
Whoa, where you going?
I got business to take care of.
If you're gonna
pick up your wife
don't mention anything about...
Whoa, what are you thinking?
I'm going home.
I gots me a date with Miss May.
Here you go. Take him
home, keep the change.
Oh, thank you
very much, very kind.
Forward ho.
Oh, God,
I can't understand anything.
God, please.
That was not my cocaine.
I don't know her, I was...
I was just giving her a ride.
You gotta believe me.
Shut up.
2-Sam-4-3 requesting backup.
It's my bachelor party. Haven't
you ever had a bachelor party?
You have to listen to me,
I can explain this.
Officer, please,
this is going to ruin me.
I'm getting married next week.
Officer, please?
What are you
going to do now, puta?
What the...?
Oh, Jesus.
Holy shit.
That hooker has a gun.
What are you doing?
This hooker's got a gun.
Let's go.
You can't take a cop's gun.
Shut up, let's go.
Shit, she's coming after us.
What are you doing?
Shit, go.
I want the money tonight, Johnny.
Don't disappoint me.
Yeah, I'll be there.
What happened back there?
Look, I can't just keep walking.
We have to go to the police.
We gotta get off the stree t before
that bitch tracks our asses down.
Why would she be after us?
We're witnesses.
Don't worry, my place
is just around the corner.
MAN: No need to see your
brother like that.
What the fuck happened, Joe?
I'm sorry, Sammy.
His piece is missing. IDs?
The hooker's is a fake,
the john's
is a match with the car.
We already got
an APB out on him.
What's his name?
Fox. William Fox.
Listen, Joey,
you find out anything new...
you make sure
I'm the first to know. Got it?
Come in.
To what do we owe this honor?
I was in town doing
some business, and l...
Wanted to you see your daddy?
And Mom.
She's watching TV, I'm sure
she'd love to see you.
Come on.
Mother, we have
a surprise for you.
You two have a chat, and I'll
get you a vase for the flowers.
Hi, Mom.
I know it can't be too easy
for you here.
I want you to know I'm doing everything
I can to get you out of here.
MR. GRAND: Here you go.
You always did
have a way with flowers.
Such an odd quality for a boy.
Well, I'm not your average boy.
You can say that again. (LAUGHS)
If anything happens
to her again, I'll kill you.
Maybe you should say
good night to Mama.
We're expecting guests.
Having a little soiree.
I'll get it.
Oh, my.
Look at that.
Looking lovely.
There's an officer
here to see you.
Are you the fiancee
of William Fox?
I am.
It's about your boyfriend.
Bill? Is there a problem?
Yes, there is a problem.
Because once you go black,
you never go back.
Will you hold this for me
for a second?
Yeah. Sure. Why not?
I'm already an outlaw.
Hurry it up,
this is uncomfortable.
I can't pee with you
standing there looking.
Well, I can't turn
any more than this.
There's nothing you've got
that I haven't seen.
For fuck's sake!
Jesus Christ.
You're not a girl.
That's a matter of opinion.
You pissed all over me.
Some people pay me for that.
Hey, what the fuck
is your problem?
What is my problem?
Let's see,
I've been arrested...
I watched a cop get murdered
by some psycho bitch
who tried to kill me.
And to top it off
I'm handcuffed to a woman...
who's got
a bigger dick than I do.
Do you have a problem
with my dick?
With my dipstick?
With my power tool?
Yeah, I think that
just about covers it.
My throbbing membrane?
My soap on a rope?
Shut the fuck up...
or I'll knock you out and
drag you to the police station.
If you didn't want the banana, you
shouldn't have shaken the tree.
All I did was
ask for directions.
The rest was all your fault, what
you did to me, you fucking freak.
Freak? It's people like you...
who make it impossible for people
like me to live in this world.
I am more man than
you will ever be.
And more woman
than you will ever get.
What's up, big man?
Opposite of down.
We got a deal?
No. He wants more. 50,000.
Fuck that, they said 25.
I told you that was
a ballpark figure.
I'm just the middleman
on this one.
If you want
a new life in paradise,
you have to come up
with the full amount.
Give me the money.
Here you go.
You got my passports?
George and
Louise Jefferson, huh?
You are a fucking comic.
Congratulations, you finally
got a piece of the pie.
Enjoy your new life in paradise.
You know, if this doesn't work,
I'm taking you down with me.
Good to see you too.
Glad to help.
Come on, let's go.
Let's get out of here.
Good luck to you.
No, I can't do that.
Just get me some ice.
Trust me, there's
nothing like a steak.
Just get me some ice.
I don't understand
why you're so resistant.
It's so widely known,
it's a cliche.
If you want a black eye to heal
properly, you put a steak on it.
Let's just say
I got a soft spot for animals.
I'll take my chances
with the ice.
You really are a pussy,
aren't you, Bill?
What are you, a vegetarian?
Oh, if choosing not to eat
animals makes me a pussy...
then yes, I guess I am.
You are a piece of work.
I need your phone.
Oh, what are you doing?
I'm calling the police.
No, you don't want to do that.
Give me the phone.
You need to face the fact
that you...
That we are big news.
We are involved
in the murder
of one of the city's finest.
If we show up downtown...
there are gonna be reporters
and photographers all over.
And your face is going to be plastered
all over the papers tomorrow.
It might be in your interest...
not to be handcuffed
to a transsexual prostitute...
with a rap sheet
longer than her ding-dong.
I have a friend who lives
upstairs, he's a handyman.
Once he gets
these handcuffs off us...
you get to do
whatever you want.
Oh, God.
Hey, thanks for
coming, you guys.
Hey, I'll walk you up.
Oh, okay, honey.
I'll call you, okay?
Drive safe.
Bye, bye-bye. Bye.
Man, I thought
they'd be back by now.
Oh, they'll be back soon.
Come on, go relax.
Well, I may just
help you clean up.
No, don't worry about that.
Come on, let's just
kick back for a little while.
What do you eat, Bill,
since you don't eat meat?
Good God,
give it a rest, will you?
Do you eat rice,
do you eat broccoli,
do you eat vegetables?
What exactly is it
that gives you your power?
(GASPS) Spinach?
Yes, spinach.
You know, my arms blow up,
I toot my pipe.
Then the bad guys
take it up the ass.
You're talking my language.
Why is it okay to eat spinach?
It's a plant,
or a bush or something.
It's not a conscious being
with a conscious life.
Then why do they move
toward the sun?
It's warm and
that's how they grow.
Well, but how do they do that?
These plants you gobble up with
such a clear conscience...
how do they know to do that
if they have no consciousness?
Because that's how God
made the earth.
They are programmed to grow, so
that we have something to eat.
So we don't have to eat animals.
But animals kill
other animals and
don't think twice
about eating them.
How does your God
feel about that?
That's different,
they're animals,
they don't know any better.
God forgives them.
Well, if animals are
so goddamn stupid and cruel,
why not just eat them...
and get rid of the useless
bastards once and for all?
Why not rid the earth
of every single...
stupid, unconscious,
meat-eating motherfucker...
who doesn't have the sense
to understand?
Look, I don't want to play any
more of your goddamn mind games.
Is that what your God intended
when he created ice, Bill?
Was it made for you and your
eye and for the swelling?
Was it for you?
God made it for me so that I could
do whatever the hell I want.
So why don't you give me
some fucking ice?
I'll just get it myself.
So it is foretold,
the ice man cometh.
There's no ice. Where's the ice?
There is no ice, Bill. (GASPS)
Do you feel let down, that
your God has deserted you...
because of your
meat-eating lust for flesh?
Is your God punishing you?
You fucking fruitcake.
Saved by the bell.
MR. GRAND: Who is it?
Yo, it's Manny.
I think I got what's
a new discovery for you.
Her name is Tammy.
Come in.
MAN: Two, three, four.
BARTENDER: Yo, buddy.
MAN ON TV: Back to the same
thing as you are, son.
Want to draw straws?
Not this time,
this means too much.
How are we gonna handle it,
take turns?
I don't trust you Southern
boys in the moonlight.
All right, let's ask it again.
Want some popcorn?
Hot buttery popcorn.
It's good for your colon.
Want some popcorn?
Kiss him. Kiss him.
Shut up, colonel.
Oh, Johnny,
good boy.
No wires.
Holy cow.
Twenty-five thousand,
it's clean.
And how are George and Louise?
They're moving on up.
You know, Johnny, I always say,
money talks.
And bullshit walks.
You sure you don't want
any popcorn?
So tell me,
what agency are you with?
Oh, I don't have one.
I'm just beginning.
Oh, well, then,
I don't usually work
with unsolicited talent.
I don't... What is that?
Artists like yourself...
who aren't represented
by a major agency.
Oh, I didn't know. I'm sorry.
Of course,
this is
a non-union production...
and if you
photograph anywhere near
as good as you look...
we could always
Taft-Hartley you.
Oh, yeah, that guy Taft.
He was like the president,
or the pope or something.
He certainly was.
Well, who was he?
What did he do?
He made it possible for unsolicited
talent like yourself...
to override the system if
an accomplished
like myself, is so inspired
by your physical attributes...
and the sheer
electricity of you...
that he decides to make you
an immediate member of the club.
How does that happen?
Oh, well,
I've got seniority, babe.
I'm union. And when I shoot
you, you'll be union.
Really? Oh, my God.
Okay, what is it about me?
I mean, why me?
You are beautiful.
One of a kind, trust me.
How old are you?
I'm 17.
Oh, this is freaky.
This shoot is for
Seventeen magazine.
No way.
Oh, my God, that's unbelievable.
I don't believe it either.
I guess it was meant to be.
I'll do it.
Let's do it.
Well, then, time's a-wasting.
Let's skedaddle.
Your wardrobe is in the bathroom
at the end of the hall.
The white lacy
one at the far end
will be the closest
to your size.
Just go ahead and change and then
we'll take some photos, okay?
So you had a little run-in
with the pigs, did you?
Yeah, I guess
you could say that.
What makes them think they can tell
a man what he can or can't do...
with his own dick?
It was a mistake.
- How's that?
- I was just asking for directions.
From her.?
That's a little
insensitive. "Her,"
and point like that.
She has a name.
I'm sorry to say we haven't
been properly introduced.
Well, perhaps I can be of a little
service in this department.
Gigi, this is...
What's your name there, Oswald?
Oh, well done.
Gigi, this is Bill. Bill, Gigi.
Pleasure to meet you, Bill.
Are you almost done yet?
Somebody's got
ants in their pants.
I spent the last two hours
flushing my life
down the toilet.
I think I've got to
be edgy, don't you?
Don't be dragging me
into it there, cowboy.
I am just an innocent bystander.
Watch out for your
wrist right now.
(YELLS) Goddamn it!
You cut me, man.
Had a tetanus shot lately?
Trust me, that is the least
of my problems.
I'm calling the police.
You know, Jim, I've had
a really rough night...
and maybe I could just
take a rain check,
just this once. Because I just
wanna take a bath and rela...
All right, fine, but we're
doing it at your place.
Fair enough. I don't wanna
get down and dirty
in front of him, anyway.
Got way too many hang-ups.
No, I can't.
Come on,
all the kids are doing it.
Okay, yeah,
first base, that's it.
Oh, come on,
that's not fair, is it?
It's been three months
since Puerto Vallarta.
Come on.
I want you.
God, I want you too.
I love you.
Me too, you.
Okay. Yeah, I can't do this.
I just don't understand this.
Is this because you're engaged?
Getting married?
I'm pregnant.
And you don't even know
the half of it, honey.
We gotta talk.
Hi. Where's Manny?
I sent him out for some pizza.
Let's paint that pretty little face
of yours before he comes back.
Oh, don't worry about her.
That's just my wife.
We'll have a snack later. Come.
Sam here. Joey? What do you got?
Scumbag called it in himself?
Where are they?
Give me 30 minutes
before you move on him.
Look at that mouth of yours.
The perfect pout.
Everything okay, Tammy?
I feel kind of strange.
You're probably
just a little bit nervous.
Here, take a sip of your soda.
All better?
Are you done?
Not quite yet.
There it is.
The face that launched
a thousand ships.
Beautiful, no?
I look kind of, you know, sad.
And beautiful.
That's the look that sells.
The tortured teen
with a tender heart.
It's what
they're all looking for
and you've got it in spades.
You really think so?
I really do.
Of course, the real
proof of the pudding...
will be to see
how you look on film.
( Okay.)
WhoPolice. u?
- Wow, I didn't expect you here that quickly.
- Obviously.
I found this in your pocket.
Oh, yeah. That was the cop's.
I took it for protection.
From who?
That psycho bitch
who killed him.
The one you picked up?
No, the other one.
- So where's your hooker?
- She's upstairs having sex with Jim.
He's the handyman.
That's how she pays him.
For whatever.
I mean, tonight he cut off
our handcuffs with that saw.
She goes up,
she blows him. I don't know.
Why do you have
that steak on your head?
It's on my eye. She, he,
the hooker, Gigi...
the girl with the dick
sucker-punched me.
Arrest me, take me downtown
and I'll answer all
the questions you want.
Hello there, Billy-boy.
Did you happen to lose a little
card with your number on it?
You rocked my world tonight.
I just wanted to tell you, you've
never done me like that before.
I hope you
enjoyed your big gulp.
Toodle-oo, kiss, kiss.
How'd it work out for you?
A little tight in the
shoulders, but it was a kick.
Well, I'm glad to hear it.
I forgot my saw.
No, don't worry.
Not with him up there.
You can get it tomorrow.
So, what's it gonna be?
How about a
hot sausage and mayo?
Coming right up.
Holy cow.
You're a real fucking scumbag,
aren't you?
You cop-killing scum.
Cop-killing what?
That was my baby brother.
Okay, Tammy.
Come on, Tammy,
put on your dancing shoes
and let's see what you got.
Up on your feet.
Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my.
Hold it right there. Don't move.
You're gonna be a star, I can
feel it in my bones, yes, I can.
I'm gonna be a star.
I'm a star.
Yes, you are a star.
A real Rockette.
Perfect, yes.
You're gonna be a star, a star.
I'm so tired.
Oh, it's all right, honey.
You probably just
need a little rest.
I can't... l...
Jeez, I can't understand
a word you're saying. What?
That's not funny.
All right,
shut up, shut up, wha...?
You know better than... We're
on a cell phone, for chrissake.
Meet me at the club. Yes, now.
Turn the car around.
We're going back downtown.
I want my money.
Isn't that fucking rich?
That's a real side-splitter.
My best friend is dead
because of you...
and now I'm supposed
to pay you for that?
I did my part.
I set him up,
I made the phone call
just like you told me to, and...
Then everything
went fucking haywire.
It wasn't my fault, Johnny.
I didn't plan it, you did.
To have my best friend killed?
No, I don't think so.
You wanted his wife.
You wanted to
destroy their marriage.
You wanted to set him up.
It was your stupid fucking idea.
Now give me the money.
If anybody has the right to be
snippety right now, I think it's me.
It's always about you,
isn't it, Johnny?
What about me?
I have two dead men
floating in my bathtub.
You think you got problems?
How am I gonna explain that?
Yeah, well, you got
something right, sweetheart.
That's your fucking problem.
It's gonna be
your fucking problem
if you don't give me my money.
That's right,
I will tell the cops everything.
How you enticed me,
an ex-client,
to do your dirty work for you.
You probably would lose your
license to practice, Johnny.
Well, there you go.
There you go.
I don't ever wanna hear
from you again.
WOMAN: Hello there, Billy-boy.
Did you happen to lose a little
card with your number on it?
You rocked my world tonight.
I just wanted to tell you,
you've never done me
like that before.
I hope you
enjoyed your big gulp.
Toodle-oo, kiss, kiss.
What the fuck?
I hope you
enjoyed your big gulp.
All right. Come in.
Is this the home of William Fox?
You know what?
Right, it was funny the first
time and everything but...
I'm not... I just...
I can't do two of you.
Excuse me? Ma'am, there must
be some misunderstand...
Look, I am not in the mood
for two big black dicks...
flying around in
my face, all right?
So why don't you
get the fuck out?
Calm down.
Let's try this again. Is this
the home of William Fox?
Do you know William Fox?
I'm... I'm his fiancee.
I think you'd better
take a seat, ma'am.
We have some
difficult news for you.
It's about your fiance.
Hey, Olivia, how are you?
Wait... Calm down, now. I don't
understand what you're saying.
What... What do you mean,
Bill's dead?
No, no, that...
I... That can't...
Okay, just hold... Just hold
on a second, all right?
Where are you?
Identify the...
You want me to meet you where?
Can I help you, bro?
It... It's him.
Shall we?
I know this is difficult,
but just to prepare you.
He's been electrocuted, burned,
so this ain't gonna be pretty.
Is that him?
(S Yeah. NG)
More or less, yeah.
Could we...
Could we just
have a moment alone?
Me and you?
Me and everybody but you.
Right. Time allotted for that.
Grieve away.
Jesus, Johnny.
What the hell happened?
I came home to a message
on my machine last night...
that was clearly from a
woman who he had slept with.
What, the hooker?
The hooker?
(SIGHING) Look, we stopped
to get a pizza, all right?
Phil and I went inside.
Bill was fucked up
so we left him in the car.
We came out, he was pulling away
with what looked like a hooker.
That's just fucking great.
Yeah, a fucking hooker a week
before the wedding? God!
Don't you think it's better
you found out now?
Oh, Jesus, it's my fault.
I... I pushed him away.
I would hardly call sleeping
with him every night
"pushing him away."
What are you talking about?
Bill said the two of you
slept together
every single night,
no matter what.
(SCOFFS) I haven't had sex
with Bill in three months.
Not since Puerto Vallarta.
I just couldn't.
Okay, yeah, because I...
I thought that I...
I'm really glad to hear that,
that's a relief.
What's a relief?
I'm just glad
that Puerto Vallarta
meant as much to
you as it did to me.
Oh, right!
You think that because
I haven't had sex with Bill
since you and I?
Say it, all right?
Say it. Made love.
(EXCLAIMS) Oh, please, Johnny,
I was practically passed out.
You can't make love
to somebody who isn't there.
Well, you can at least try.
Oh, Johnny.
What is the matter with you?
What about Jane, hmm?
I don't think Jane has to know.
At least until we know
what the next move is.
Well, there isn't really
gonna be a next move
because I already told her.
What? Why would you do that?
Because I don't want to have anything
to do with you anymore, Johnny.
OLIVIA: Fuck! Jesus!
That girl looks like
she just saw a ghost.
He just fricking moved.
Rigor-mortal spasm.
Happens all the time.
So if that is Mr. William Fox, and
you're able to speak up for him...
I'm gonna need you
to sign on the dotted line.
You going somewhere?
Yeah, Puerto Vallarta.
Thought I might
get a little action.
So how was your
swinging cock fest?
It was good, fine.
Everything went fine.
How was the shower?
Yeah, fine. Everything was fine.
Uh... How long you going for?
That's my suitcase.
That's my suitcase. It's not your suitcase.
That's mine.
Can I borrow it?
No, it's part of a set.
I really rather you didn't.
I'll be careful with it.
I don't think I
wanna take the chance.
No, I a Jane. Of here.
Now, listen, okay?
Jane, listen, don't go.
Look, don't go, okay?
I slipped up, I know.
I was drunk, I'm sorry.
- Yeah, well, you got Olivia pregnant.
- What?
So I think that qualifies as a
little bit more than a slip-up.
Olivia's pregnant?
Yeah, that's right.
you're gonna be a daddy.
Wait a minute.
Listen, listen, Jane,
Jane, listen.
Let's work this through, okay?
Let's just talk about it. You don't
wanna go, you don't wanna go,
You shouldn't go.
Yeah, you know what?
You're right.
JANE: You should.
Jane. Jane, come on.
It's Mr. Grand.
Your parcel is wrapped
and ready to be picked up...
and I must say,
you'll be quite pleased.
It's a very
pretty little package.
Pretty little package, huh?
See, like I was saying...
this guy, Enrique,
and a couple of his friends...
they put me up in the Hilton
and they had their way
with me all weekend.
No? No?
Are you sorry? Oh, you're sorry?
You really scared that nigga,
he gave me the right code.
Good. Bag it, let's go.
Sorry about this, brother,
you know how it is.
Go down and wait
for me in the car.
We'll be out of here, baby.
Leave the cash.
Baby, this is me.
Now, like I said I know
you're running the show
but this is me,
you don't trust me by now?
Trust is for fools and virgins.
Now, go.
All right.
I'll Mmm-hmm.nstairs.
So like I was saying...
then they put me in the trunk
and they took me downtown...
and they threw
me in a Dumpster...
to die.
Can you imagine that?
I was left there, bleeding to
death, to die, imagine that.
It was lucky for me
the next day was trash day.
So this isn't just for me.
Do you believe in God?
I said, do you believe in God?
Well, guess what.
He does not believe in you.
Mom, what's the matter?
what's going on?
Nigger this, bitch.
MAN: Meddler.
Oh, honey, did I hit you?
Damn, Carlos, baby,
you don't look so good.
Do you know
what I was thinking today?
I was thinking that when I
picked you up from jail...
I thought maybe, just maybe,
that you had learned
something in there.
But you didn't.
The minute you got out, you
started with your "nigger" shit.
"Nigger" this, "Nigger" that.
Same old shit.
But guess what, baby. This
nigger is smarter than you.
That's right, because I been
sitting out here waiting...
for you to
bring your ass out here
so I could run
you the fuck over.
One for you, two for me.
One for you, three for me.
Three for me, and none for you.
What the fuck is that?
It's a split.
You said we were
going half and half.
That's if you
nailed that sheep, dude.
I gotta go, Carlos.
I'm getting all emotional.
I love you, baby.
Shit. What was that?
Gunshots, homes , from over there.
Let's go check it out.
Fucking bitch.
Who's the bitch, huh?
Look at this shit.
Two dead people.
Dios Mio.
Look what I found.
Shit, homey. We're rich, dude.
Call for backup!
Dad. Come on, open up.
I know you're in there.
Johnny, there are police
all over the place out there.
Dad, I need to talk to you.
You need a lobotomy.
Now go away.
Open the goddamn door.
I wanna see Mom.
You march yourself right back
down those stairs and surrender.
Johnny, go away.
Johnny. Johnny, stop it.
Johnny, Johnny, you're
frightening your mother.
You sick...
Stop it, John, no, no.
Mom, what's going on?
I thought you were in trouble.
JOHNNY: Oh, my God.
It's okay.
What happened?
It's okay, it's all right.
Where am I?
You're safe, you're safe.
You stay right here, all right?
I'm gonna make sure that this never
happens to anyone ever again.
(LAUGHING) We're fucking
loaded, little cousin.
Now we can get us
some real bitches.
The kind you have to pay for.
I found it. It's mine.
We're partners,
partners in crime.
You wasn't gonna share with me,
you cheated me.
Why should I share with you?
So that's how it's gonna be.
Finders keepers, huh?
Finders keepers.
What in the hell
is wrong with you?
I do the best I can, Johnny.
I'm not perfect.
You really believe that,
don't you?
Okay, what do you want me to say?
I screwed up?
I was a lousy dad?
That isn't gonna
change anything.
You're still gonna
have your issues...
and your mother isn't gonna
be jitterbugging anytime soon.
This isn't about
you and me, Johnny.
Well, what is it about, Dad?
You wanna know
what it's about, Johnny?
This is what it's about, Johnny.
The American dream.
The land of the free,
the home of the brave, Johnny.
It's every man for himself.
You make me sick.
I love you, hold on to me, boy.
I'm sorry, Dad.
I'm gonna have to let you go.
Goddamn it,
you hold on to me, John.
You hold on to me.
(SHOUTING) Johnny!
JOHNNY: They say to move
forward in life,
you gotta let go of the past.
Well, I did, literally.
And for me,
there ain't no going back.
So here I am,
paying my debt to society.
They found the cash,
traced the passports...
got me on
first-degree manslaughter.
But hey, I saved
that little girl's life
and I set my mother free...
so for once in my life,
I'm the good guy.
I guess no good deed
goes unpunished.
JANE: Hey, Johnny.
Hi, honey.
Hi, Johnny.
Hi, Oliv.
You look great.
You both look great.
Yeah, how are you?
Oh, great. Peachy.
Good, good.
Yeah, yeah, we're doing okay.
How's Mom?
She's great.
she's living with us now.
Yeah. Olivia moved in
to our house to...
You know,
to help with Mom and...
Jane and I...
Well, we've decided...
We've decided
to have the baby, Johnny.
Like a couple?
We're not rushing into anything.
Yeah, no, we're just taking it
one day at a time.
What about me?
Johnny, you made it clear
that you didn't want to have
anything to do with children...
so I didn't think
it was going to be an issue.
Besides, we don't know
when you're gonna be
available to
participate with him.
Him? You mean it's a boy?
Oh, well...
it's too early
to know the sex yet.
But if it is a boy, we've
decided to name him Bill.
Yeah, I think that's fitting.
And if it's a girl,
so far we like Java.
Yeah, Jane and Olivia.
BOTH: Java.
You do know that's
a slang term for coffee?
Yes, but it's also
an exotic island in Asia.
Why don't you just call her Sex
on the Beach, for chrissakes?
God! Johnny, do you always have
to be so god damn sarcastic?
No, I just don't want my child
named after a beverage.
so now it's your child?
Well, yeah, biologically.
And I have to say, you know,
I'm a little hurt here
and I feel a little left out.
Seems like there's been
a lot of decisions made...
without any thought
of how I might feel about it.
JANE: Well, you haven't
really been available, Johnny.
JOHNNY: I don't know how much
more available I can be.
I'm pretty much here, you know.
JANE: There's not really any
answering machine to get messages.
JOHNNY: Every Wednesday
from 2:00 to 6:00.
JANE: You know what, Johnny?
This isn't about...