American Driver (2017) Movie Script

Yeah I'm up.
Get up and go get that job!
I'm out of the bed, I'm out of the bed.
You better get up and go get that job
or you end up a bum just like your father!
What's for breakfast?
Go get a job!
Are you out of money?
How'd you buy the beer?
Get a job.
Looks like retiring at the age of 33 was
a bad idea.
Oh God! I can smell you from here, did you
take a shower?
Yes I took a shower mom, it's not me you
smell, it's the beer.
Hey don't return without a job, bum!
Well I guess this is goodbye then.
Man: One week! Just one week to Africa's
most prestigious award ceremony.
And once again it's up to us to make
this happen.
Where are we on red carpet?
Well, media's covered
Measurements are in place and the Giama
reps are ready to go.
Flight reservations have been confirmed
for all of our nominees and invited guests.
Reminders will be sent out a day before
They are due to arrive in the united
Awesome Kwei, where are we on security?
Well we have 10 guards in the
east, west and north wings
So we're ready to go and we're protected.
You sure we have enough security this time?
Yes we do.
Okay awesome, welfare?
Food is covered.
I'm just waiting on the invoice for the
drinks so I can send them the payment.
Good, and transportation? Everything
is ready, I just need one more driver.
It's a week to the event so
we're still looking for one driver?
By the end of the day, I need a driver.
Yes sir!
Uh, there's nothing on
this resume Mr Curry.
Oh that's probably because I kind of
retired when I dropped out of college.
So I'm in the process of rebuilding my
I do write a lot of movie reviews on
Netflix though.
Uh that's not the type of experience
required to get a job here.
So sorry Mr Curry.
Are you a rapper?
What do you mean by that?
What you just said to
me, I'm sorry Mr Curry.
That has a rhyme to it.
Check it out.
I'm sorry Mr curry,
I'm so so so sorry Mr curry.
It's just a rap song!
When is rap illegal?
Oh oh okay, what if
that was the next Beyonce?
You know what, I don't need it, keep
it, it's worth a lot of money one day.
Is that my job too?
I'd be famous one day, you'll regret it.
Good luck with that.
Come on man! I can cook Indian food. Give
me a chance.
No junkie's cooking my restaurant.
I'm not a junkie man, that's
racist, I love curry.
I hate it.
Come on! Am I invisible now too?
You didn't see me there?
I'm sorry are you blind?
If you're blind, you shouldn't be walking
around, it's kind of dangerous to other people.
Ma'am, I just wanted to apologize about
my behavior back there, I was really rude.
If you really are blind, I'm impressed
with how much you can do without help.
Are you not done insulting me?
No no I'm not insulting you
I just wanted to apologize.
I'm sorry.
Apology accepted.
What type of drivers do you need?
Okay so I work for Giama,
Giama the sports team?
We host the biggest gig in town, an
annual movie award and we bring in
Scores of celebrities.
So I'm out here, looking for a driver
Before the end of today, who would
chauffeur my celebrity guest for the period
They'd be in town.
Sounds fun, when is it?
Next week. In time
for you to get tickets for two?
Will you be there?
Maybe I'll be there.
My name is Jack by the way.
Kate Peters.
Kate Peters...
love that name.
Are you sure you're not one of the
celebrities that need driving around?
May I just say um, I'm
so glad you're not blind.
Congratulations I'm a key boy, there's a
reservation, I won't stop that's
A dedication, I'm the key but I need
meditation, I'm a cycling name.
Hesitation shooting nigga, yo yo yo my
name is Jack
My mom is white, cause she drinks a lot
of beer, that she smells like a dead deer.
She made me get a job, then I told the
man to suck my knob.
And then I saw Kate so it must be fake.
Hmmm, yeah...
We gonna scatter nation hmm
Secretary: Hello, oh please have a seat.
Thank you.
Hello sir, yes sir,
all right, thank you.
Mr Curry, you may go in now.
How are you doing? Jack.
I believe we've met before, Kate right?
I ran into him downtown last week.
I'm gonna apologize about that, I was having
a bad day, my mom told me to get a job.
Or I had to get kicked out.
This is an interview Mr Curry.
My name is Kate Peters as you already know.
I'm the appointed Giama
Transportation services coordinator.
So you're my boss. If you get the job.
You have a problem with that?
No no no
I support women's rights.
Congratulations on your position, good job.
As a matter of fact I have spice girls
on my iPod.
Spice up your life, your power.
Excuse me, sir, are you okay?
Yeah, yes I'm, I'm fine.
Are you sure everything is okay?
I'm sorry, just, I'm fine uh.
Okay please keep it down, there's an
interview going on in that room, please.
Okay I'm sorry.
Tell us a little more about yourself.
Yeah you know, my name is Sunny, you know.
That's, that's what my friend calls me.
Your information here says Sunday.
Yeah, you know the same way, you know
Sunny aka, I mean, Sunday aka sunny.
You know I actually blame my dad
for that. He wanted me to be a priest.
You know
when I was a little kid, but as I grew up.
As I became an adult,
I, I just realized that you know priests
Can't do something, you know what I'm
saying. Save us the sermon, Mr Sunday.
I'm just about
To tell you something. it's okay.
The job entails you picking up
guest celebrities from the airports.
Driving them around to
get something to eat.
And while doing all of that we want
you in your best hospitable behavior.
So what makes you the best man for this
You know I'm saying, um
You know I'm Nigerian I was bought..
See madam eh, see, the matter is this,
I be proper Auchi boy, you know. Edo.
Nothing dey happen.
Well eh, so many reasons. Number one, I've
been driving since I was 12.
Never got a speeding ticket.
See this job, nothing. I hold ground.
Never been arrested.
And I don't use GPS's to get where I'm
going, that's fake okay
if I don't make my destination,
it's not meant to be.
All this movie .. is that not Jim lyke?
Come on baby, I know him very well.
All the film actors, the actress, the
The makeup artists, I know all of them.
When it comes to Nollywood movie, I know
all of them.
So all these ones that will be coming from
Nigeria and other parts of Africa
I hold ground, nothing dey happen.
However we need our chauffeurs to have
background knowledge of our guests.
Especially their celebrity status.
That is a requirement.
We are in luck because I know a lot
about your
Celebrity African actors. As a matter of
fact, me and my friends host a little
African movie night on fridays.
You know we watch movies like
stalker, 30 days in Atlanta
Lion king.
Lion king?
Okay Mr Curry, our guests are people,
not lions.
Like I said before uh
Growing up in Nigeria, the only thing
that we watch in our house.
You know way back in the days
was Nollywood movies, you know?
Because I know my father even had a
colored TV, you know and there was this
Particular one,
Living in bondage. I'm sure one of you
I don't know if you've seen it before,
seen before, living in bondage.
My father made us to watch that movie.
Every Sunday for seven good years.
I don't know why the man just,
I don't know if he was living in bondage
but we watched it for seven years.
Perhaps because you were born on Sunday.
I know a lot about uh you know Lagos, Ghana
Bollywood? that's India, this is Africa.
This is America.
No, I'm joking.
Another joke
I know it's called Nollywood
The second most powerful
film industry in the world.
With celebrities like Genevieve
Omotola uh you know Ramsay Noah,
Jim lyke, who by the way I would like to
personally drive around because I feel
like I connect with him you know
I read his bio and we kind of come from
the same background
so Mr Sunday what prior experience do
you have that you're bringing to this job?
Uh before now I used to work in um, in a
call center you know, for an African
restaurant, you know.
So hold on hold on
call center and african restaurants
don't go together.
Yes it's a call center,
you know people call
and you know they call, they tell me what
they want to order then
I write it down you know, call center you
know so
You mean you are the receptionist.
Yeah, it's just not the english name you
know for taking, you know
that's, that's. we're
saying the same thing.
So call center, okay
What prior experience do you have
that you're bringing to this job?
Well I mean, one time
I drove from Houston to Tijuana Mexico
and from Tijuana Mexico to Canada
In 30 hours. why...?
Because I was bored.
Impressive, I mean let's just say that I
don't fall asleep behind the wheel okay
I can be awake for hours like I have red
bull pumping through my veins.
Once I step inside the car, I'm very zen
Very calm. it's almost like the
car and me become one person
We're connected spiritually.
Like right now, I am evolving.
So what would you do in a situation one
of our guest celebrity gets upset
And pours all his or her frustration on
you, how would you handle the situation?
So one of your celebrity guests might
yell at me for something I didn't even do.
Yeah that's possible, possibly.
Well okay, I pull over, calmly get out of
the car.
Open the back door and say, hey Mr
You're blaming me for that?
Well guess what, you're not famous because
you have 12 million followers on Instagram.
We're all famous!
Facebook bitch!
I'm joking! No no no no no, I'm joking.
It's a little joke.
I do that a lot actually.
You mean you do that a lot?
No no no, not this. I joke a lot
because I think my sense of humor
And skills in making people laugh,
Would be good for this job, you know it
gets boring driving around listening to
The same podcasts and radio.
Not just conversations, but to answer
Your question,
to ease your mind, if I do pick up one of
Your celebrity guests,
I promise that I'll be very calm, very zen
And use my
tiniest most peaceful voice like this.
Hello Mr
celebrity, I'm as a celebrity we're about
To go to Giama! Giama, Giama!
What's um, you don't think the voice is
coming up?
Whatever happens, we're still friends okay.
This is what happens.
Okay, you look like a movie star.
Thank you.
Well gentlemen, with the expected
workload and guests
Arriving from all over the world, the
board has decided that
You both will be hired.
Both of us?
Only one of you will be hired on a
permanent basis.
So I need you to see the next 24 hours
as a big test on the job.
Selena will brief you on further
documentation and
Your resumption dates, congratulations!
Thank you.
Thanks, did you want to see me...
She's busy.
Where's your tie?
I don't wear ties.
Put your tie on.
How about me, how do I look?
Take your glasses off.
Ahh madam I want to look..
This is..
Cap around.
Button up.
So how do we look now?
Do we look sexy enough for you?
Here are the keys to your SUVS.
Ensure your phones are
on at all times, because.
The next 48 hours will be
the craziest of your lives.
Now remember only one of you will be
Retained on a permanent basis
so I urge you to be on your best behavior.
Okay gentlemen, it's time.
That's mine.
That's mine.
I bumped into her first.
It doesn't matter!
Oh yeah, you want to race me for it?
Race me, race me. I'm watching,
I'm watching you man, watching you.
Look at you, you're already confused, you're already
confused, you don't even know how to drive.
You don't know who I am, I am from Auchi.
Go and find out who I am in Auchi,
I will deal with you in this town.
If I, if I I will jam you.
Rubbish! Your father!
Waiting on somebody too?
You know what I hate?
You make an effort to show up on time and
they're not even here.
I've been waiting for 20 minutes for a
Oh it's horrible, is he your boyfriend?
He's a taxi driver!
You actually call it a taxi?
Is this 1995 or what?
No, its.. that's what we call
it in London, taxis or cabs
You're from London?
No I'm Nigerian.
I'm a driver for a company, I'm waiting for
this beautiful woman she's got a lot of hair.
She's like the Meryl Streep of Nigeria.
She kind of has your eyes.
So it's not here right?
You like America?
I do. I did.
Except for that Donald Trump right.
Hey look, I'm sorry, He's gonna
be gone very soon. Don't worry.
Okay. That's right.
First time in Houston huh?
Yeah I can't wait to leave this city and
go to...
Yeah hello, yeah I just arrived Houston
So your name is uh, Emma right?
Yeah my name is Emma Naira.
So uh, you're one of the big time
producers right, for the Giama?
Oh hi Jack.
Yeah I'll just call you Jack in the box
I like that
I assume you're a producer because of
The costume you're wearing.
Must be somebody important.
Yeah, I'm actually a singer myself, you
know I I know..
Oh you sing too?
You want to hear my song?
Sure go ahead, bust one out.
Are you serious? I can sing?
Okay, okay.
You know who you remind
me of dressed like that?
The Boko Haram.
Excuse me!
Excuse you.
I'm watching you buddy.
Now once I get to the hotel,
I'll call you.
Yeah, love you too babe.
Is that your wifey?
Oh, you're right.
That is kind of personal.
You don't even know my name.
What do you mean you see me naked.
Do you know where I'm from?
Don't you know that's
degrading to African women?
Everyone's naked in my eyes and trust me.
It's not always pretty, you're pretty.
Sometimes I feel alone.
And a little ugly
But then I look in the mirror and realize.
I'm the American Driver.
My name Melvin Oduah.
You're the big time Nigerian
movie star, aren't you?
Yeah by the grace of God.
By the grace of God.
What does that mean?
What does what mean?
By the grace of God.
Is that one of your movies?
You're Nse. Okay yeah, you are here on
Okay cool.
No I've been waiting! And what
is your name?
Jack, why did you show up early?
That way everybody says
I'm sorry.
Oh my god!
I'm sorry.
Well the second verse gets better.
No no no!
Thought I was the driver but it
turns out.
I'm actually an astronaut, we're going to
We're going to mars.
No. You know what?
I regret telling you that I'm a singer.
And you're exhausting me right now.
Don't be ashamed of who you are, it's okay.
That is, that one of your movies?
Well, that means yes.
I am a big time actor.
Oh okay.
Mr movie star.
Where exactly are you from?
Uh Lagos?
Yeah Lagos.
Oh Lagos.
What part of Lagos?
I mean I know, I just
want to see
if you know.
The CD parts, Lekki.
I am very very familiar with Lekki.
Very familiar.
So uh, did you ever get a massage from a
Just.. please pull over okay.
Okay, we're at a
red light, we are pulled over.
I mean you have to be ashamed. Don't tell
anybody I'm a big fan of redheads.
They're hot.
Hey, what are you doing?
You can't, you can't just hop..
What are you doing?
You can go now.
What did you say?
You said I could go right, like I'm your
little slave.
Come here I want to tell you something.
Do I look like a slave to you?
Huh, motherfucker!
Who's your movie star now, huh?
Ready for your photo shoot? Bitch!
Oh I'm sorry, what did you say?
Oh oh nothing, nothing, just
kind of blanked out for a second.
Are you good?
Uh yeah yeah, we're good bro, we're good.
You are two hours late, lucky that I've been
here for 20 minutes and you say I'm early?
Oh you know what, my phone's on LA time
because I always wanted to move to LA.
You ever do that? Where like you
have your phone on another time zone?
Look I'm sorry okay
I just really want to move to LA and
it's kind of a motivational thing for me.
You've got hair in the car.
Well I've been picking up a lot of women.
What do you want?
I'll get rid of it.
It's a Halloween costume.
You know, hello there,
I'm from London.
Oh yeah I'll keep this in..
Don't do that accent.
The front seat.
My mom and father was from London.
My stuff!
Oh yes yes yes.
Uh, pick which one you'd like on the trip.
Anything else?
I'll keep this.
Meryl Streep my ass.
All right baby, you ready to rock?
Wait, wait, wetin you
say your name be again?
My name is Jack.
Them dey call you Jack abi?
Na Jack in the box you be or
na wetin you think say you be?
No no no, I just can't
understand a word you're saying.
You dey craze? Wetin make you
keep me for airport forever?
It's not my fault my cell
Wetin make you dey say Meryl Streep my ass?
Meryl Streep na your mate?
No no no, you're better than Meryl Streep.
You want to know why?
You're younger.
This guy dey make make I craze.
Shut up!
Drive motor.
It's times like this I wish that radio
I did get a lot of sleep though.
You did?
See my other guests that I'm taking, it's..
Like they're kind of cranky and I, I
don't think they mean to be rude.
I think it's the paparazzi.
Do they bother you?
Oh I...
and you can tell me because don't
Just think of me as your driver, I'm also
your friend okay.
If the team is bothering you, I will
knock the shit off them and I'm serious
I will pull this car over... is that them?
Are they following us?
That car behind you, it's been
behind us for like the last five minutes.
Oh no it's not okay,
I just, I don't like that you know.
It's like yeah, you want to be famous but
you just want to be able to go to the hotel
Watch your Netflix, talk to your
boyfriend which you probably have.
Without people bothering you and talking
nonsense to you, am I right?
Yeah it's like they don't respect you or
what you need.
And what you need is to entertain people
and be beautiful.
And have everyone look at you but leave
you alone at the same time.
We're talking space
They don't know when to shut up.
I can tell you that much. You know,
this one time I saw a TMZ guy start
Bothering one of my friends who's famous
and I don't really want to say her name
Because I respect her privacy and
Her name is uh Diaz Cameron so they
started bothering Diaz Cameron by
Licking their face and she's like, are
you licking my face?
Wait what?
Yeah this TMZ photographer started
licking my friend's face
So what I did is I stepped in and
started licking their face.
You started licking ..
Yeah I found...
oh my friend's calling me.
Sorry one second.
Yo Phillip what's up.
Hey man. I'm at work man.
What's up?
I can't handle this right now man.
Hey what's wrong man?
You don't get it man, she left you?
Can't believe she cheated on me.
She did what?
Life without her is meaningless.
Hey hey, it's not the end of
the world buddy.
You know what that means?
That means it's your turn to have sex
with another girl.
Or as many women as you want right
let's face it she's going to, well maybe
You don't get it.
No no, I didn't mean like,
no no, look where are you?
I'm at the bridge where I met her.
Yeah the bridge you met her at okay.
I know where that is, it's like ten
minutes away. What are you gonna do there?
I don't know if I can handle this.
Philip what are you gonna do?
I'm gonna do it man, I'm gonna jump.
Oh come on, don't talk like that man.
What the hell you think I'm gonna do man?
I'm gonna jump
Are you gonna jump?
Oh my God!
No no no, Philip! Wait ..
Can you wait 10 minutes at least, okay
please I'm I'm almost there okay.
I'm on my way
Philip! Philip!
I'm so sorry um, my friend kind of needs
me right now.
No it's fine. Let's, look I know it's
awkward but I have to.. okay is it okay?
Yeah because the hotel's back that way
so, okay, we'll be there in five minutes.
Oh my goodness!
Don't come any closer, I'm gonna jump.
Is this, is this close enough?
Yeah that's fine.
Okay man look are you
really gonna jump?
Why did you call me out here man? You want
me to watch you die? Is that fun for you?
And look I actually need you to deliver
a message to Beverly from me all right.
Yes anything, what is it?
I want you to tell her
She's gonna rot in hell for what she did
to me.
No Phillip, I'm not gonna tell her that.
You want to know why?
Because you're gonna tell her yourself.
Because you're not gonna die
today and she's not going to hell.
Because she doesn't plan on
dying anytime soon.
She's a pan sexual now, she plans to have
sex with as many things as possible.
How the hell does that help me out
and what the hell is a pansexual Phil?
Uh, someone that has a Peter Pan fetish
At a weird level. I don't know, she's your
I don't know how this is helping me man. I'm
sorry Jack. This, it's gotta end right now
No no.
Please please, you could jump today
Could, or you could give me 10 seconds,
just 10 seconds to show you the most
Beautiful woman that I picked up on the
way to see you.
That's right, I thought about you and I
have a surprise for you buddy.
Just wait Right there please?
That's right buddy, look
Isn't she beautiful? Her name is Nadia.
Say hi Nadia Hey Philip.
She's the girl next door, the one you
want. You're Sandra Bullock.
Not like that Peter Pan sucking Beverly. Hey,
are you sure you're not punking me right now?
Nah man, why'd I punk you right
now, we're like brothers man.
And she's real, she's not a hologram and
guess what
She's a stripper.
The twerking kind.
Okay, he's really into the strippers, if you
can pretend to be a stripper for five minutes
You might be able to save his
Pretty amazing actress, you can do it.
Come on.
Hey Philip.
So I'm gonna be your new girlfriend.
How's that?
And stripper.
You and I are gonna have an amazing life
together okay, and I can't wait.
So how about you just calm down and
we'll go away.
Are you really gonna strip for me?
Yes Phillip, I'm gonna strip for you.
And we'll go places together?
Wherever you want.
You won't be ashamed of me?
Of course not
why would I be ashamed of you?
You'll let me fart in public?
He does that a lot.
Yeah you could fart in public, I mean but
wait, why would you want to fart in public?
So I like to fart in public.
Ew that's just gross.
If I can't fart in public just forget it.
I'm gonna jump!
You can fart, fart away man.
You could fart anywhere right now,
fart right now. I can take it.
Before we do it, I could take it, yeah we
could take it
Fart. Fart away Philip, just calm down
Okay, just one more question.
Do you, do you love me?
Say yes please.
Yes I love you, I love you so much.
Okay, okay I'm coming.
Never do that to me again!
Sorry. I don't know what I was thinking.
What is wrong with you?
I don't know what I was thinking.
She's not worth it.
It's okay.
I'm just glad I was able to help.
You're an angel.
Jeez, I almost had a heart attack.
You're not gonna strip for him?
Are you crazy?
It's not that hard, you
just take off your clothes..
He's not going to be angry, he's going to
be really happy I promise.
Because you just got punked.
Wait, If this is a punk show and I'd just been
punked, how come I don't see any cameras?
And what the hell is Ashton Kutcher?
We don't need Ashton Kutcher.
We're double the Kutch and you
know what, if you want to see it.
He's got the footage right, you told
me not to film it. You didn't film it?
We don't have any footage.
Oh my, you guys are morons okay.
You're supposed to go pick up
guests from the airport and take them to
their hotel. Not to put up a prank like
You know what, I'm gonna press charges
and I will tell your employees about this.
Whoa look right there, wait, wait, wait,
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, I just wanted to impress you.
We're actors.
Welcome to Clinique spa.
Thank you very much.
How was your day?
I'm a bit exhausted you know, I have this
driver who just kind of tired me out.
I'm so sorry.
We'll have you reserved for a classic
60-minute massage and we'll get you
ready for your big event tonight.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
And right over here this is where we'll go
ahead and pick any experience are you ready.
I am so ready.
Oh wow Jack.
Doing too much, I'm good.
Are you okay?
We can go I'm good.
Are you sure? I'm great thanks. If anybody
tries anything just scream twice okay.
I got it.
There's only room for one right?
Yes. I'm so sorry
It's okay, I'll be outside.
All right thanks Jack, Thanks.
Anytime call me.
Oh boy!
You like it?
Love it.
More pressure?
More pressure.
You're the boss.
I'm the boss.
You like the big boss?
I'll do it just the way you like.
Thank you so much Bye
I'm ready to go now hello.
Earth to Jack. Let's go!
Come on, let's go yeah, let's go.
Good night.
So next tuesday, I'll be
back for massage okay.
Hi my name is Jack Curry.
Hi Jack Curry, I'm from giama.
Hi Jack Curry, special services.
Hi Jack Curry, special services.
I also bake.
Hey, is that Kate?
Hey Kate hey.
Awww, she's awesome, love her.
Wow the great Jim lyke in my car.
This is so cool man, I feel
like I'm in one of your movies.
One of your good movies which by the way
I've seen like five of them on youtube
last night.
The good ones, the great ones even the
bad ones, which aren't that bad okay.
Rotten tomatoes sucks. It is a pleasure
to have you in my car brother.
Thank you.
Oh sure, you know I'm
just I'm just really excited
To have you in my car, don't mean to go
over the top or scare you you know, it's
not every day that I get to drive an
international superstar.
What's your name?
Jack, you can call me Jack.
Right Jack.
Jack do you think um.. well you know,
is something wrong with this vehicle?
No. Why? It's in top shape.
So why are we driving so slowly?
Oh well
You know I don't want to get in a wreck and you
know injure one of the biggest stars in the world.
I mean
You want me go faster, I'll go faster okay.
Yeah you do that.
Yeah, you feeling the wind brother?
So what was life like on
the island?
What island?
Come on Mr lyke, you know what
Don't act like you don't know the one
where all the celebrities live.
The dead and alive ones like Tupac and
You know, the Lekki Islands in Lagos.
I used to live there.
In my former life.
Well I don't know what you're talking
about, I live in Abuja.
Is that an island or a mainland?
Jack right
um, I think you should focus on driving.
You know this conversation, it's
it's not working because I just did a
13-hour flight
all night to come here and the last
Thing I need is a grandma
driving at this pace, we'll probably get
To the hotel by tomorrow.
You think you could pace it up a little?
Hey I completely understand, you want to
get there faster.
No problem because believe this or not
Mr lyke, I used to be a formula one driver.
Yeah as a matter of fact I'm starting to
feel that urge.
That need for speed.
Buckle up Mr lyke, it's about to get crazy.
I said I wanted to get there on time
But I didn't say I
wanted to get there dead.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey white boy.
Hey hey, hey white boy.
There's um, there's a cop car behind.
I think you should pull over.
Shit! We're in trouble bro.
What we? Where did the we factor come from?
I'm the passenger, you're the driver.
Please Mr lyke, I'm trying to loose..
Loose what, don't you dare lose anything.
Just pullover for crying out loud.
What's the big deal?
I can't go to jail okay, my
grandmother's gonna ground me for a week.
It's just not fun okay.
Has the law changed in this land?
Since when do people go to jail
for over speeding?
He's just gonna give you a ticket.
Jesus Christ! Mr lyke relax,
I played a lot of grand theft auto.
I can do this.
What did you say? Grand Thef..
Please, don't I look calm to you?
Pull over.
Jake! Jake!
I'm telling you, pull over. He's probably
taking your number plate or something
What kind of weed are you on?
What type of nonsense is this now?
I've told you I'm not in a hurry!
Look Mr lyke we lost him, he's back okay,
he's gone.
Calm down.
See we lost them, I told you I was a
formula one driver.
Formula one driver yeah?
Got you right on time brother.
They sent you to kill me right?
I'm not your brother.
No brother. I am not your,
don't you call me bro, look at
Do we even look alike?
I'm not going to jail because of you today.
I am not your brother.
I swear if it was Nigeria, I would break
up my foot on your white head.
I could be adopted, you don't know.
Adopted, what is wrong with you?
Don't you don't you pity your parents?
Don't you have, you know what, let me keep
it together.
I am in control.
Yes Yes.
I am in control. I'm the man. I'm the man.
You're Jim lyke.
You're the man! You're my brother.
I mean I mean, my friend, my friend.
Please don't make me kill you for no reason
You told me to go fast, I went fast.
You told me to go faster.
I'm barely in one piece
You nearly gave me a heart attack in there.
I thought you were Mr movie star. Weren't
you in that vast race car driving movie
You should be giving me a medal.
You want a medal?
You only want a medal?
I think I deserve one.
Here comes your man right now.
Officer! Right here.
Arrest him officer.
No no no stop!
That's him, Yeah, That's him
Don't move.
Hands up, don't shoot.
I don't know what to tell you...
Put your hands, put your hands on the car
Turn around
Mr lyke tell him.
That we're brothers.
I've never met in my life before officer.
We're brothers.
We're brothers.
I'm gonna tell mom about this I swear, talk
about my mama one more time, I'll kill you
Can you still give me a four-star rating?
Stop yelling.
Can you still give me a four-star rating?
Just take him away lock him up for good.
That guy is a menace.
Seriously, if you would just call
Jim, he'll tell you he was joking.
I, I really don't think he was serious about
that. It was only 70 miles over I swear.
Can we go with the one wheel..
Sir please turn around.
Orange is the new black cast.
You could be more comfortable in that song.
Put your hand on the wall for me.
Um, you want me to go in that cell?
You're going to be put in a cell.
Put your hand on the wall for me.
Is there any way I could go to the one down
the hall over there, probably more
I promise I won't do
anything weird I just, I just,
I'm not good with, I want to go in
that one, is it okay, because I'm not
Step in there.
It's just for a second right and
then we'll
I think he wants to get out, I think you
should let him out.
He needs some air.
Sir we need some air.
What's the deal with this Jake guy?
Jake? Who's Jake?
Your driver. oh jack, he's probably
cooling off in jail at some precinct.
Yeah about that, I know, I think he's a
guy that's been
down on his luck lately, he's not really
a bad person.
What can you do to get him out as
quickly as possible?
You know the way the
System works here, I mean, I think he'd
have to see the judge.
But for you, I'll see what I can do. girl
that's why they call you miss proficient.
Please, get him out okay, he's crazy but
he's cool.
All right then, please do it for me.
Enjoy your stay. I will, thank you guys.
Oh no sex while driving right.
It worth it, it was worth it.
Jack Curry, you've been released.
You made bail.
Hey facebook, facebook, facebook brothers. all
right, facebook. I'm pretty good work for you.
I got you
Look, look look. thank you
so much for bailing me out.
Shut up
I don't hear one more word from you jack
just shut up
You could have called an uber to pick me
up but you came yourself.
You must have a thing for me.
Mm-hmm, you know..
I could have left you to rot in there.
The only reason I'm here is because Jim
asked me to just, so shut up
Jim paid for this? Is he here? Jim Jim
oh is Jim going to jump out and say hey
no talking, just drive.
You know, if you had shut up all the
while, we probably wouldn't have been here.
Sorry do you want me to talk?
Shut up.
Strike! somebody use their celebrity
status to bust me out of jail and save
my job.
Was that you good?
Good Morning Jake.
It's it's Jack Mr lyke, Jack.
No his new name is Mr J ball. You're
gonna get fired.
Bros, fire him.
Shut up Sonny, jail's not that bad
You would actually like it there because
you would fit in.
Fired. bros fire him. oh I'm so glad
I can be here to be your little monkey
I'm Jack the monkey.
Do my job for you, you're going to get
fired. Donald Trump, you are fired
I make people love you.
Did he just call a black man a monkey?
No no no, I would never do that. I I'm the
monkey, I'm
look like a monkey. I mean. Listen I've
always figured you to be is stupid.
Yeah yeah, you you're especially stupid.
Retarded even. But not ignorant.
Oh well thank you yeah
Well that's as close to a complement,
Okay well
The point is you can't use the N-word,
the W-word, the O-word
You know our, oh so we can't use the
M-word now?
No you can't use the M-word, it's
completely out of context hmm
what about the F-word? Yes you can
use the F-word on you exclusively
because you're the biggest F up I've
ever seen in my life.
Kate you look amazing today, where
did you buy that from? Hey Jim..
Hi. What's up? Well I'm I'm very upset,
I just saw Jake here call a black man a
No whoa, whoa Jack, did you just
make such a racist remark?
I would never.
Do that, I I son, I'm monkey.
I'm the, see that's what he did so I'm
lying listen uh,
He's a racist. I can't have someone using
Racial slurs around me. I can't have that
happen. I think you should let him go.
To think I was manipulated into hiring
you to work for black people.
I love black people, I would never. I
would never do that.
No, Sonny was just... keys
Mr lyke?
Oh my god! That was good.
Listen he's been throwing at me all day.
I just thought you know, what let me do a little
rebound you know let you feel a little bit
How I've been feeling see how he feels.
Mr golden globe over here!
I leave you guys to get
on with your bromance.
Even if I was gay, you're
the last person I'll consider
Thank you. Good job.
Um you know what, I'm not feeling this
place you know.
I li don't feel like eating here anymore.
I want to go to an African restaurant
eat proper food.
Absolutely yeah. let's go, you know anyone?
Do you want a napkin? All right.
Why are you looking at me like I'm some
kind of alien?
I I don't know it's just so fascinating to
watch. It's like sitting up close on a
set of a discovery channel episode.
channel. Yeah discovery channel. You know
when you go to another country and watch
I'm an amusement for you huh?
No. no no
I've just never seen food like this
before I've never seen someone eat food
like this before at all.
Correct me if I'm wrong Jack.
You said you lived in Lagos in your
former life, yeah. So you should be used
to this, this whole African setting. Eba and
Egusi. Um in Nigeria, in my former life we were
Poor okay, we couldn't afford to go to
restaurants like this. In fact my African
Food didn't look like that. it was french
fries, ice cream
Cheetos, Lagos, is Nigeria. That's
information for your dumb ass.
Secondly, this is crazy.
You know that's crazy yeah, this is this
Whole thing is crazy.
This is eba and egusi soup
So that's goose. No I don't know,
you'll upset me when you pronounce.
Do you wanna try it?
I would love to, it looks delicious.
Do it while we're here
You, I don't wanna be eating on the job.
No no, it's okay, you're working
for me now. Do you wanna try it?
You know what, what if we came after the show and had
like lunch or something or dinner sometime you want to
do that? I don't want to
hang with you Jack, you work
for me. where I come from, we don't hang
out with people that work for us. You know
what I mean?
We can get something to eat later if
you're hungry.
It's like a friendship bubbling.
I'm not your friend Jack, okay?
You keep it professional understand...
Now listen this, this is, this is, this is
not working
You know what I mean the first
You're making me really uncomfortable
You want.
Do you want water that doesn't taste
like salt or soup or..
You know what I need? What? I need space.
Space. I see a lot of empty chairs in
this restaurant.
Yeah I was wondering about that. You know,
if you did a commercial for this place
it would fill up like crazy.
I'm not getting through to you, am I?
I see empty seats Jack.
Oh oh you want to enjoy your food. Yeah I
want some space. Yeah no probably. yeah,
thank you. Absolutely. It's all you had to
Say you know.
I was trying to tell you all this time
but you didn't get it you know, you just
kept on..
So professional, sol just sit here and
watch the the game.
Jack. Yeah? When I mean space, I mean
I literally, space. oh too close, too
close. All right, all right, so um..
Yeah I'll just be over here. So hey, so
here we go..
Please stop talking to me across the
room, it's kind of weird, it is weird.
Okay all right, yeah, uh do you want to
Yeah let's do that, we'll text, yeah, it's better
that way, yeah we'll text, yeah all right.
Enjoy your food. Hey what's your number?
I know what that means... Yes I'm real, I'm
a real boy in flesh and blood and
in my former life I didn't look like
this, I didn't talk like this.
That was the prince from the lucky
You never see many people who look like
you got it. no
I think I have but though I think uh
that's in the movie though.
You think I could be a movie star?
I haven't said that.
You know what, I think I like you. Oh!
Thank you. You're gonna be my personal
driver until I leave town.
Really, Yes. I'm flattered sir. I'm a big
fan of yours. I just um,
see my boss Kate, who's kind of my
girlfriend but she has no idea, she has
me on a really tight schedule so I might
not be able to.. other people,
okay, how about I talk to you in
the language that I believe you would
Sir, you don't have to do that, that's a
lot of money
That's a hundred dollars
Sir we're not supposed to take these, we
get paid salary, we could get fired if
we're just holding it, so I can't I can't
take that. Oh boy!
Take this thing now before I change my mind
You want to see a rockets game?
Guy where my oyinbo?
The oyinbo.
He was busy but I'm here to pick you. No
come on, I said I made an arrangement with
who is Jack? Oh my colleague? Yeah, Jack's
suppose..he's busy now, that's why they sent me to
eh, come and pick you up sir. having to come and
So you're here to pick me up, who
you, I don't know you.
I'm Sonny, I mean, I know Jack is white
but I'm also I'm half cast so
my, and I was actually born in the states
What state?
Edo state, I was born in Edo.
Edo state. Yes sir I'm actually um
You know any saloon around here? Yes sir.
There is
there's one down the road about five to
Ten minutes
No not too far away. Make we go that
one first, make I just clean up
sharp sharp.
Okay sir.
Hello, AY..
Good afternoon sir. You people did
not just try at all, let me just tell
you my mind.
And you downgraded me because of
familiarity abi?
Downgraded how?
Is the driver not yet there? Yeah, yes
this wasn't our arrangement. I made
arrangement for that oyinbo guy.
Trust me, you don't want that guy, he's
crazy. Just stay with the one you have.
Let me just tell you, with other
celebrities don't don't try this. All
Those A-lists people, that will just fall
your hands steady.
An arrangement is an arrangement I just need
to go and cut my hair, that's all. But, but
I'm not happy. That's just a truth.
Okay, anyway, I promise
I'll make sure he comes to you after
this assignment.
Yes sir. Have a good day sir.
My man, you want to nice up
For those beautiful cutey guests.
Yeah, Yeah!
African restaurant, I'm hungry now
The show's in a couple of hours.
Yeah I can't anchor a whole show
on an empty stomach. I need fuel, African
fuel. So take me to the African restaurant,
Okay chop chop, chop chop, when I say chop
chop, chop chop,
all right we'll eat again and again and
All right, I suggest we get drive through
because you know these two hours are
gonna go by fast.
Okay we only have two hours so I suggest
we get drive through and
You didn't get your haircut, you did not
get your haircut. No
no no no Kate said specifically, you had
to have your haircut before the awards
show and
I don't want to piss her off because I'm
trying to date her you know, what's wrong,
you know, I think we have a thing
So this decision's on you, we could
accommodate to your hunger and get
Food, or we could get a haircut. Haircut,
food. Haircut, food
Food, haircut. We don't have a lot of time
so please hurry. Food,
haircut. shut up! Just, Shut up!
Just hair cut.
Hair cut it is.
Why don't you say so?
How are you doing today brother?
Hey what's up?
I'm good man.
How are you getting it?
Okay so basically, I want the...
You know what, you want
it even all over right.
With a straight edge up,
go T trim right.
Am I right? No no no. Inside buns right,
trim the mustache. No.
Hey, don't touch the back, hey don't worry
about it, I'm going to touch the back.
Hello there, what's up.
Who's there?
Oh it's Kate, I mean boss lady.
What, you told me to call you that.
Man wants to talk to you oh, I don't know
Yup, hey what's up.
Well er, Jack is busy okay.
Yeah, he's running errands for me
hey Kate, I mean boss lady.
Mr lyke, we're a little behind schedule?
What time is it, What's wrong with this
country? What time is it? Past seven.
Shit I got into the barber first okay,
look we don't have time to get food. I
know you're hungry,
we're going to go straight to Giama.
Look, leave giama.
I need food, get me food.
No no they have food at Giama, they have
finger foods. I don't want to eat that.
Drive through. We're going to show you
what american food is made of come on.
Here it is Mr lyke, the best American food
in town.
Hope you're hungry. Do you know who I am?
Yeah only the most underrated actor in
the world. You're gonna get oscar one day
buddy because
Why is that every time you open your
mouth I either want to throw up or I get
Now I'm feeling good.
Please shut up, let me get my point
across, this is important.
I'll ask again, do you know who I am?
J.I, you're my boy. No no no boy
I hate when you say that, I'm not your
boy and
I am not J.I. I am The J.I.
Now you know who I am, and yet you go over
there and you buy me
prison food. No no no this isn't peasant
food, this is healthy okay, it's a healthy
I read your wikipedia, I know what you
like. You know why I'm gonna eat this
Because it's made with love? No no no, the
reason I'm gonna eat.. you know
for that, I hate you. I really do hate you.
Seriously from the bottom of my heart,
I hate you so that doesn't count. The
reason I'm going to eat this food is by
I'm not going to see you for the rest of
my life say that. There's Facebook.
And not the one with the blue check mark,
I want your real facebook.
I promise you if you find me on facebook
I will sue facebook and even the roaches
on facebook, that's how much I hate you. I mean,
now get in the car and get me out of here.
Are you on twitter?
Good stuff right?
Not bad.
Boom um.
What's in this stuff, it's really good.
Oh just avocado,
tomato, salsa, cheese, spinach and mushroom
What! what's the last thing you said?
Uh mushroom, about ninety percent.
I'm allergic to mushrooms. Didn't I tell
you that?
Mr lyke, I read on wikipedia
that you love mushrooms
What stupid wikipedia?
I'm allergic to mushrooms.
Are you being serious? oh you're trying
to get me again uh, it's not gonna happen
You got me once today.
You're good. I can never tell if you
actors are being serious or not. I mean
I'm unlucky about me...
Really, you're really sick.
Oh are you trying to get into character
before the show?
Oh my God, I I've read about this.
Call 911.
Right, I know what you're doing, no,
I'm not, I'm not playing, pull over!
Okay, uh wow okay, if you're if you're
throw up, throw out the window. There you
go. I'm gonna throw up please
just pull over.
All right
I'm gonna die because of this psycho. Wait let
me get this on film. This is gonna be so cool.
I'm gonna put this on youtube, All
right, I'll pull over. Did you know that
Sean Penn is jealous of you?
He is.
All right wow, you're really committed.
Did you really throw up?
Can you teach me that?
All right, just like Jack Nicholson, Jim
Iyke likes to warm up before the big
game. Yeah he's already
acting, oh you're the real
method actor.
That's my bro, come on, give me more
Okay, good acting. Call 911. Oh it's real..
I'm serious. Yeah you're serious.
My stomach is tearing up. You're serious.
This is good. Are you stupid? Call 911!
Mr lyke.
Call 911.
So sorry Mr lyke, his wikipedia
says he loves mushrooms.
I'm so sorry.
Mr lyke, can you pump his stomach? You
pump his stomach. I want to talk to you.
Closer closer. I'm gonna kill you,
amma kill you. You are dead man.
It's okay! He's an actor.
He's emotional, he's an actor
This psycho has killed me.
Mr lyke.
If I survive this, you're dead!
You're not gonna die. Together we're
gonna sue wikipedia. You will get to the
Giama award.
I'll be right behind you. Yes.
Right behind you.
So we're gonna move you to the chair. Jim,
I'm here, I'm here. Are you okay. Is he
gonna be okay,
is he gonna be okay? I don't know.
Jim I'm here. Can you, it's me Jack. How
long is he gonna be here? I don't know.
Overnight, a day or two. Overnight. Jim can
you hear me? It's Jack.
I realize you're angry with me right now. I'm
not blaming you, I've been a real jackass
to you.
If you just, you, you have a dream okay. My
dream is just to be alive and enjoy
cheeseburgers. You're actually a real
actor, you deserve to be able to get up
on that stage because you've worked
harder than anybody.
I know you're sick right now, I know you
feel horrible but you have to push
through it. You could be sick later, I
promise. You could throw up after the
If you can give me two hours, I will give
you the two best hours of your life.
Shut up and get me out of here. We're
gonna do this? Yeah. All right follow me.
Oh well. I'll take his shirt.
Jim you're gonna be all right man. I
guess I'll uh, I'll be in the waiting
room for you.
Yeah so uh, I'll be able to push him
Oh my God! Is that dude so Washington
with his shirt off his penis!
Oh come back! Where are you going?
Come back.
Where are you going? Come back!
We're gonna get to the
Giama no matter what.
Grab my shirt.
Everybody get back.
You can't do this!
Ladies and gentlemen coming on stage to
open the show and later introduce our
host for the night,
welcome AY, Ayo Makun.
You can do better than that.
For what you've done.
I want to thank my director, my producer
Everybody that has been there for us.
Thank you very much.
All right, where's my host for the night?
Buhari lyke!
So let's go to the order of the day, um,
we've had
a very eventful day, um, I've been shot at,
the police has chased me down the road.
I've been arrested,
hospitalized, now I know you don't
believe me, I hear somebody snickering over
But it's true, it happened. And it all
happened this night.
So I want to take this chance, just five
minutes, I crave your indulgence to um
welcome on stage a friend of mine..
Wait uh, that's not him. A dear friend of
Um my partner in crime, is Jake, here my
chauffeur, my
trouble maker. Jake, where are you buddy?
Oh hey, okay come here Jake, come meet my
people come here. Don't be shy, don't be
This is Jake. Jake is an actor
I don't know how he lives his life, he
should be locked away and the keys
thrown away a long time ago. He's
my friend
and I'm very very proud of you and thank
you so much for taking care of me this
Okay, bow, bow, these are very gracious
people, bow.
Thank you, thank you Jake, thank you, god
bless, god bless, thank you.
That's it, I want to thank everybody for
this award for best driver.
This is a talented man. Jim lyke, Jim lyke!
Jim lyke!
That's what I've had to deal with all
night. Thank you, thank you very much.
Okay what are you doing here? Jack why
are you not at work? oh
my, do you not remember firing me? I mean
did you come for your money, because I
don't have it.
Jack, I have tons of celebrities in town.
I need you at work now. Oh
tons of celebrities, that sounds like a
personal problem. Wait,
you want me to go back to work. I need
you now!
So you need me now. What do you think?
Jack, Jack!
You want me to go back to work.
Get to work now? What time?
Right now Jack.
I knew you'd come back.
If you like the lady,
then ask her out nicely.
You dog.
You smashed it.
Let's just say Kate likes being the boss.
No for real right, she's special.
I know, You know the thing about Nigerian
women, they like to front a lot but once
you break the ice, oh my God, they're
biggest freaks.
To Nigerian women.
Hey I'm in love.
You're in love?
Yeah, she's a special girl. For real?
Yeah, we'll see.
Hey did you order two or is this for me?
Well you know.
Usually, I'll tell you something you know,
every time I come out here,
I order for myself alone, I'm like we're
buddies now so
come on man. Oh see, I'm
not so bad Mr lyke. No.
Listen, whoever said so. Wow. I have a
penchant for exaggeration.
Yeah, eat up bro, eat up. So we're
brothers now. Well we're family man.
So I'll see you thanksgiving, Yeah listen
to get down me you.
Uh what exactly is this? Oh it's um.
It's fish soup. Fish. Yeah fish soup, you
like fish don't you? Love finding Nemo.
I know.
Finding Nemo, that's Nemo
right there. All right eat her up.
Wait you don't trust me?
Five, flavorful.
Four, three
Two, you should be hopping anytime...