American Pie (1999) Movie Script

[ Woman Moaning ]
Ahh ! Ohh !
- Ohh.
- [ Man Moaning ] Oh, yeah.
you're so good.
Ohh, yes.
I am the best, baby.
- [ Woman On TV ] Oh, yeah !
- Oh. Oh, that was a tit.
- That is a tit ! Yes !
- [ Moaning Continues ]
[ Woman ] Oh, you're so big !
Oh, yeah. Yeah,
that's right, baby.
- [ Man On TV ] Oh, doggie
wants to hide his bone. - [ Woman ] Yes !
Oh, yeah !
I'm bone smugglin', baby.
- Man, would you shut up !
- [ Moaning Continues ]
Hey, Jimmy.
Just wanted to say sweet dreams.
Yeah, yeah.
Sweet dreams. Good night, Mom.
- Kiss good night.
- [ Moaning Continues ]
- [ Mom ] Something wrong
with the reception ? - Uh, yeah. Yeah.
- There's-- There's this nature
show that I'm trying to watch. - [ Man On TV ] Take it off.
- And the birds are
all scrambled and I can't even-- - [ Woman On TV ] Do me ! Yes !
- [ Jimmy Groans ]
- Baby ! Ride me like a pony !
- The thing must be broken or I
sat on the remote or something. - [ Moans Continue ]
- Getting ready for bed, son ?
- Yup, I'm all set, Dad. I'm all set.
- Yeah ?
- No ! No, I think he's tried to watch some illegal channels.
- Illegal-- Illegal channels ?
- This is just bad reception, honey.
-[ Man On TV ] Oh, spank my hairy ass !
-What's that ?
- Ooh, baby !
- You know what ? Here. Just give me this, please--
- Oh, my God !
- And let's get this-- Ohh !
Okay, okay. Let's, uh-- What the hell's
the matter with this thing ?
[ Woman On TV ] Yes !
[ Boy ] Illegal channels ?
Shit !
If there's any channel that
should be illegal, it's that "all-woman's" channel.
- Lifetime supply
of pantyhose or some shit. - Yeah.
Hey, uh, did you see The Little Mermaid
on TV the other night ?
- No.
- Ariel, man. She's so hot !
- Yeah, Oz. But not when she's on land.
- She's a mermaid, dude.
[ Boy ] Come on, Vicky, it's Stifler's
party. We got to go. It'll be great.
[ Vicky ] Why ? All that
happens at Stifler's parties is people get drunk and do it.
[ Vicky ] Now, come on, Kevin.
Open it.
It's a big, thick envelope, Vicky.
You got in.
If you think so,
just open it.
- Fine.
- [ Rock ]
"Dear Miss Latham: We're sorry but
after keeping you on the waiting list...
for the past couple of months, we've
decided that you are now rejected."
- Shut up !
- [ Both Giggling ]
- You got in.
- [ Squeals ] Yes ! I love you !
- -- [ Continuing ]
- [ Chuckling ] Okay.
Hey, you think I should wear
this shirt to Stifler's party ?
[ Scoffs ] You've worn that shirt for,
like, three days in a row, man !
She said it.
- Said what ? [ Chuckles ]
- She said she loves me.
- Holy shit, dude ! The "L" word ?
- Oh, man !
Cornell's not
that far from "U" of "M."
Yeah, it's only,
like, seven hours.
Oh, and you get
to drive across Canada.
- Beautiful country.
- Whatever. It's doable.
Wh-What we should
do today, in band.
Instead of playing
our instruments regularly, we should play them backwards.
- That'll be so funny !
- Yeah.
-- [ Noodling ]
No offense, but you're talking
about a post-high school, long-distance relationship.
And you and Kevin
haven't even done it yet.
That's not why
we're going out.
What do you expect him to drive
to Cornell for ? Milk and cookies ?
We're gonna have sex
when he's ready and I'm ready.
It's got to be
completely perfect.
I want the right time, the right moment,
the right place--
Vicky, it's not
a space shuttle launch. It's sex.
- Finch.
- Here's the man we are looking for.
- Gentlemen.
- What's goin' on, buddy ?
- Same ol'--
- [ Sighs ] Finch. You got the Latin homework ?
[ Speaks Latin, Chuckles ]
It means, "My dog ate it."
It's Latin. It's a joke.
- It's a Latin joke.
- Yeah, Latin. Just drink your coffee.
- No, Jim, it's mochaccino.
- What ?
What I'm drinking, it's mochaccino.
It's not coffee.
[ Boy ] 'Nova !
- [ Both Grunting ]
- What's up, dude ?
You comin' to the party
tonight, Ozzie, you fuckface ?
Uh, depends if my date
wants to stop by.
- I'm workin' on somethin' new.
- I got an idea about something new.
How about you guys
actually locate your dicks,
remove the shrink-wrap
and fucking use them !
Dude, it's gonna happen.
She's a college chick.
[ Scoffs ] Oh, right.
I'll see you guys tonight.
I'll look for you in the no-fucking
section. [ Mocking Laugh ]
[ Self-Deprecating Chuckle ]
[ Self-Deprecating Chuckle ]
All right. I'm shooting for a
Breath check.
- Thank you.
- [ Gargling ]
[ Hacks ]
- I wish you wouldn't do that.
- So, you got something up your sleeve for tonight ?
This is a foolproof plan,
my friend.
I have a serious question
to ask you guys. Okay.
You know Nadia the Czechoslovakian
chick ? She might be there tonight.
Now, do you think she would prefer...
[ Clears Throat ]
Iaid-back Jim...
[ Clears Throat ]
cool, hip Jim ?
I don't think it really matters
with that shirt you're wearing.
What ? Correct me if I'm wrong but
you're the one with the girlfriend...
and you're still
stranded on third base.
Hey, at least I know what
third base feels like, okay ?
- You're still just a batboy.
- Batboy. Batboy.
- [ Laughs ]
- What are you talking about ?
Guys, uh--
What exactly does
third base feel like ?
You wanna
take this one ?
- Like warm apple pie.
- Yeah ? - Yeah.
- Apple pie, huh ?
- Uh-huh.
- McDonald's or homemade ?
- [ Scooter Engine Starts ]
destiny awaits.
- [ Engine Stalls ]
- [ Boys Chuckle ]
- [ Engine Stalls ]
- [ Boys Chuckle ]
- -- [ Rock ]
- - It's been one week since you looked at me -
- Cocked your head to the side
and said, I'm angry -
That's number five and six
for the Stif-meister !
- -- [ Continues ]
- Yeah.
- [ Gasps ]
- Oops !
- Holy !
- H-Hey !
Nadia ! Buenos dias.
Glad you could make it.
- I'll be back for you later.
- [ Door Bell Chimes ]
- -- [ Snapping Fingers ]
- -- [ Continues ]
- Another party sultan !
- How ya doin' ?
Welcome to Stifler's
Palace of Love, fellas.
- The keg's back there ! Enjoy !
- Yeah.
Vicky, Jessica ! Great to see you.
Glad you could make it.
Haha, bitches !
- Sherman !
- Hey !
What the fuck
are you doin' here ?
Fellas !
What's goin' on ?
Fellas !
What's goin' on ?
Sherman. Not much. Just, uh,
scopin' the babes.
- Indeed ! Some fine ladies here, boys.
- Uh-huh.
Confidence is high.
Repeat. Confidence is high.
Sherman is movin'
to DEFCON 2.
- Full strategic arsenal
ready for deployment. - Hey !
You have somethin'
goin' tonight, Sherman ?
You see that
Central chick, Bernette ?
- Um, no.
- No.
She's around.
Seems she's taken a liking to me.
Fellas, it's time
she experienced... the Shermanator.
Yeah, okay,
Sherman. Whatever.
I'm a sophisticated sex robot
sent back through time...
to change the future
for one lucky lady.
- Go get 'em, tiger.
- [ Imitates Schwarzenegger ] I'll be back !
- Hopeless.
- Completely.
- Hi.
- Hey, Vic.
Oh, shit.
Guys-- Guys--
There's Nadia and
she just looked at me.
- She just looked at me.
- Well, why don't you go talk to her ?
Yeah, you're right, Kev.
I should just go talk to her.
- [ Laughing ]
- [ Indistinct ]
I could do that. Sure.
[ Clears Throat ]
Kev ? Kev ? Ke--
- [ Clattering ]
- [ Groan ]
Yeah. Yeah.
[ Indistinct ]
- At last -
- My love -
- Has come along -
- My lonely days -
- - Are over -
- [ Laughs ] That's great !
- And life
is like a song -
- Oh, yeah, yeah -
- At last -
See ya later.
- The stars above --
- -- [ Rock ]
- [ Doorbell Chimes ]
- -- [ Blaring ]
- We're here for the party.
What party ?
There's no party. [ Chuckles ]
[ Slurred, lndistinct ]
Try the house down the street.
[ Oz ] So, what's your major ?
[ Girl ] Post-modern feminist thought.
Oh, cool.
Great night, isn't it ?
Yeah, it's just somethin' about the
springtime that's just cool, you know ?
- Like the smell
of fresh rain or somethin'. - Mmm.
Suck me, beautiful.
What did you just say ?
- Suck me, beautiful.
- [ Laughs ]
My friends call me "'Nova,"
as in Casanova.
That's pathetic.
[ Laughs ]
Jeez, you don't
have to laugh at me.
Well, there's just some things
you need to learn, that's all.
- Like what ?
- Well, you've got to tone it down.
You don't need to come
to a place like Lookout Point...
and spout off
cheeseball lines to be romantic.
- Okay.
- You have to pay attention to a girl.
Be sensitive to her feelings.
Relationships are reciprocal.
Come on, Casanova.
I'll take you back to your friends.
[ Power Windows Hum ]
Vicky, think it's time to take
the next step in our relationship ?
- Tonight ?
- Yeah, it's such a perfect evening.
I mean, it's how you've
always pictured it, isn't it ?
[ Boy ] Damn, my parts fuckin' stink !
[ Boy #2 ] Dude, you gotta take
a shit ! You smell like a Yeti !
Or not.
Just relax.
[ Zipper Unzips ]
You actually
said that ?
- [ Laughs Hysterically ]
- Shut up !
You did a hell of a lot better
than I did with Nadia.
Oh, thanks, Jim, that's great.
That's really reassuring.
Hey, no problem,
Hey, don't call me 'Nova anymore.
I'm a-- I'm a fraud.
You guys
are pathetic.
I'm gonna find myself
a little hottie.
"Suck me, beautiful" !
[ Mocking Laugh ]
- -- [ Continues ]
- [ Heavy Breathing ]
- Let me know.
- Okay.
Keep going.
I should be able
to talk to girls.
I'm articulate.
You know, I got a 720
on my S.A.T. verbal.
There's no way.
I kid you not, man.
Look. Listen.
- Copious. Verisimilitude.
- Mmm.
[ Moaning ]
Oh, ohh. Now.
[ Moaning, Grunting ]
[ Fizzing ]
Suck me,
beautiful !
- Damn it, Stifler.
- Checkout time !
- Please, vacate the room.
- You are such a jerk.
God, I can't believe how many
cool people are at this party.
[ Chuckles, Snaps Fingers ]
And you got
a keg too !
- Wow !
- Indeed.
Oh, wait.
I left my beer downstairs.
No. No.
Here, babe !
[ Giggles ]
You're really
beautiful. Oh--
- Really ?
- [ Sighs ] Oh, yeah.
[ Both Giggle ]
[ Muffled Chuckle ]
You know what ? I don't know
if I want to be doing this.
- Doing what ?
- You know, like, if we hook up tonight,
tomorrow I'll just be some girl
you go telling all your friends about.
[ Incredulous Chuckle ]
No way !
Steve, you could at least look at me
when you say that !
[ Sighs ]
Look. Sarah,
I-- I wouldn't go telling
stories or anything about you.
I promise.
So, just... relax,
take it slow... and
let the good times roll.
- Okay.
- All right.
[ Gulps, Exhales ]
What's wrong ?
What's wrong ?
What is it ?
- Xenophobic.
- [ Scream ]
[ Whimpering ]
Oh !
- Regurgitation.
- I know that one.
- Kevin likes it.
- He likes getting head.
Gee, what a total shocker.
What about you, Vicky ?
I mean, h-have you just
never had one with Kevin...
or have you never
had one, period ?
I've had one.
- I think.
- Okay.
That's a no. No wonder
you're not psyched about sex.
You tell me you never
even had one manually ?
- I've never tried it.
- You've never double-clicked your mouse ?
- [ Coughing, Vomiting ]
- Ha-ha, nice !
- [ Laughing ]
- Jesus ! Stifler, how much did you drink, man ?
Hey, Stifler ?
How's the pale ale ?
- Fuck you ! [ Vomits ]
- Ooh, whoo !
- [ Kevin ] That's Stifler's mom ?
- [ Jim ] Yup.
Shit. I cannot believe a fine woman
like this produced a guy like Stifler.
- Dude, that chick's a "MILF."
- What the hell is that ?
- M-l-L-F-- Mom I'd like to fuck.
- Yeah, dude !
Oh-ho, yeah !
- [ Together ] Yeah ! MILF ! MILF !
- Hey, guys-- Guys. Guys.
- Come here.
- Sherman, what's goin' on ?
Yeah, uh-- Don't you think you fellas
could try a little tact ?
I got company,
if you know what I mean ?
She's hot !
[ Door Slams ]
If Sherman has sex before I do,
I'm gonna be really pissed.
Sherman ? [ Chuckles ]
The Shermanator ?
- [ Both Laugh ]
- Come on, man.
[ Together ]
MILF ! MILF ! Dude, hey, dude.
What are you doin' to her, dude ?
Oh, my God,
bro, dude.
- [ Chuckles ]
- Enough of this blow job bullshit.
- I gotta get laid already.
- [ Vicky ] That's nice. Really, really nice.
- Can I have a ride ?
- Sure.
- [ Kevin ] Vicky, wait.
- Not for you.
Yeti !
I am the Yeti !
- [ Finch ] Good morning, gentlemen.
- Finch.
Where were you last night, huh ?
What happened to that foolproof plan of yours ?
Well, I was going for a fashionably-late
entrance and I was too late.
no ladies left.
[ Sherman ] It was a very
special night, very special.
- [ Girl Giggling ]
- Guys. Guys.
- I'll never forget this.
- Oh, I'll never forget it, either.
- [ Sherman ] Thank you.
- Uhh.
- [ Girl ] Well, bye.
- Bye.
[ Door Closes ]
Fellas, say good-bye
to Chuck Sherman, the boy.
I... am now a man.
I highly recommend
you join the club.
We were doin' the wild thing...
all night. I'm exhausted.
I don't get it. I mean,
how the hell did you do that ?
It was just my time.
It was just my time.
Best of luck
to you boys.
- I cannot believe this.
- Come on, guys.
You know, we should
be happy for Sherman.
[ Sighs ]
No, we shouldn't be.
You know, I put in months
of quality time with Vicky.
Sherman meets a chick
for one night and scores.
- This is just wrong.
- No shit.
How the hell am I supposed
to become Mr. Sensitive Man ?
You know, we're all gonna go to college
as virgins. You realize this, right ?
I mean, they probably have special dorms
for people like us.
All right. I got an idea.
But it's got to stay between us.
It's really simple. We just
got to make an agreement.
Er, nah. It's--
It's more than an agreement.
- What ? A bet ?
- A pact.
No money involved.
More important than any bet.
Here's the deal.
We all get laid before we graduate.
Dude, it's not like I haven't
been trying to get laid.
Think about when you work out, Oz.
You gotta have someone there, right ?
Someone to spot you.
Someone to keep you motivated.
Well, that's exactly what
we can do for each other.
I mean, we'll be there
to keep each other on track.
Separately, we are flawed
and vulnerable, but together,
we are the masters
of our sexual destiny.
Their tiger-style
kung fu is strong.
But our dragon-style
will defeat it.
- Guys !
- The Shaolin masters from East and West must unite !
- Fight, and find out who is number one.
- Guys !
Come on. You're ruining my moment here.
This is our very manhood at stake.
We must make
a stand, here and now.
No longer will our penises
remain flaccid and unused !
We will fight for every man out there
who isn't getting laid and should be.
This is our day.
This is our time.
And, by God, we will not stand by and
watch history condemn us into celibacy.
- Amen. Yes.
- I like that.
-We will make a stand. We will succeed.
-'Bout time !
- We will get laid !
- Yeah ! - Yeah !
[ Cheering, Whooping ]
Now, the sex: It's got
to be valid, consensual sex.
- No prostitutes.
That's what you're thinkin', Finch. - [ Sucking Air ]
[ Laughs ]
So, basically,
prom is our last chance.
- Oh, dude. Prom sucks.
- I know,
but you gotta think
about it this way.
I mean, all the parties afterwards ?
The chicks are going to want to do it.
- Yeah-yeah, he's right. It's,
like tradition or something. - The Rose Bowl.
- So, that gives us--
- Exactly three weeks to the day.
- We're gonna do this.
- All right, to the next step ! - Next step !
[ Together ] Next step !
[ Whooping ]
[ Together ] Next step !
[ Whooping ]
- I have visions I was in them
I was lookin' into the mirror -
- To see a little bit clearer -
- The rottenness
and evil in me -
- Fingertips have memories I can't
forget the curves of your body -
- And when I feel
a bit naughty -
- I run it up
the flagpole and see -
- Who salutes
but no one ever does -
- I'm not sick
but I'm not well -
- I'm not sick
but I'm not well -
- And I'm so hot -
- 'Cause I'm in hell -
- Been around the world and found
that only stupid people are breeding -
- The cretins
cloning and feeding -
- Well, did you get the flowers ?
- - And I don't even own a TV -
- Hear the voices in my head
I swear to God -
- It sounds like
they're snoring -
- But if you're poor
and you're boring -
- The agony and the irony -
- They're killing me -
Whoa !
- I'm not sick
but I'm not well -
- And I'm so hot -
- 'Cause I'm in hell --
Don't worry. You'll
get her back soon enough.
- You think so ?
- Sure, she likes you.
- Well, I like her too.
- Do you love her ?
- Well, I like her too.
- Do you love her ?
Um, you know what ?
You can't really ask me that.
Well, if you want to get
her in the sack, I mean, just tell her you love her.
- That's how I was duped.
- Look, Jessica,
I-l don't want
to dupe her.
All right.
What you need to do...
is learn how to press
a girl's buttons.
You have to give her
what she's never had.
- What's that ?
- Let me give you a hint.
[ Orgasmic Moans ]
Ohh, Kev ! Uhh. Yeah.
- ? Comprende ?
- You mean an orgasm.
- You got it, stud !
- Well, you know,
I'm-l'm pretty sure that I've...
given her a--
- No, you haven't.
- Well, there was one time--
- No.
- Oh, man.
- Look, kid, it's up to you.
The big "L" or the big "O." - Dickhead !
- You gotta see this.
- [ Vocal Group ] - Do you believe in -
- - Magic in a young girl's heart -
- - Ooh, ooh -
- How the music can free her
whenever it starts -
- And it's magic
if the music is groovy -
- - It makes you feel happy -
- What did you cocks do to him ?
- - I'll tell you about the magic
It'll free your soul - - - Ooh, ooh, ooh -
- But it's like tryin' to tell
a stranger 'bout rock 'n' roll --
See you next time.
- Hey, guys.
Came to watch me in action ? - Yeah.
- I-l think you sounded pretty good.
- Yeah, man.
I think you need
your balls reattached.
- Hey, keep it down, dude.
- What the fuck are you doing here ?
This place
is an untapped resource.
I mean,
check it out.
- These vocal jazz girls are hot.
- Why the hell is he joining jazz choir so late ?
- Maybe he's preparing for
another senior year at East ? - [ Chuckles ]
You guys,
we don't even know him.
You dipshit !
You're expecting
to score with some...
choirgirl priss ?
These chicks don't know me. I can work
the sensitive angle here, fellas !
You know, it's just like
that college chick told me.
All that you gotta do
is just ask 'em questions...
and listen to what
they have to say and shit.
I don't know, man.
That sounds like a lot of work !
- [ Knocking ]
- Uh, just a second !
Come in. Come in.
Oh, Jim, you're here.
Uh, I was just walking
by your room and uh--
And, you know, I was thinking, "Boy,
it's been a long time since we've had...
a little
father-son, uh-uh, chat."
Oh ! I almost forgot.
I, uh, I bought some magazines.
Do you just want to flip
to the center section ?
Well, this is the--
this is the, uh, female form.
And they have
focused on the breasts,
uh, which are used primarily
to, uh, feed young infants...
- and, uh-- and also, uh, in foreplay.
- Right. [ Clears Throat ]
This is, uh--
This is Hustler.
And this is a much
more exotic magazine.
Now, they have decided to focus
on the, uh, pubic region--
- Right. Uh-huh.
- The whole groin area.
Look at the expression on her face.
You see that ? See what's she's doing ?
She's kind of looking
right into your eyes saying,
"Hey, big boy.
Hey, how ya doin' ?"
- You see ?
- Right.
Shaved is a magazine
I'm not too familiar with,
- but, again,
if you flip to the center... - [ Sighs ]
[ Clears Throat ]
Well, you see the detail that, uh,
that they go into in this picture here.
- Uh-huh. Yeah.
- It almost looks like a tropical plant or something...
- underwater... thing.
- Yeah. Yes.
- Do you know what a clitoris is ?
- Oh, my God.
- Well, don't say, "Oh--"
- Yes, I know what a clitoris is.
Oh, you do. Oh, I see. Yes, you do.
I forgot you've been there and back.
- You know everything--
- I've learned about it in Sex Ed--
- I really don't need you
to talk about clitoris. - I'm trying to make this painless--
- You know what ?
I'm sorry. Okay ? I'm sorry. - No-no-no.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
I shouldn't
have got hot there.
Well, you know what
I'm going to do, Jim.
I'm going to just
leave these books here...
for you to, uh, peruse at your, uh--
at your leisure.
Wait !
[ Groans ]
Well, safer
than a tube sock.
[ Sighs ]
- Okay, that-- That was good.
- Yeah.
- See you at dinner.
- Uh, yeah. I'll see you at dinner.
So, Finch,
this is your plan ?
You know, I don't think girls are
into the whole mini-golf thing.
Kevin, I'm sure
that they're not.
Actually, there is one small matter that
I need to ask for your cooperation in.
- In the spirit of this
whole pact, you know ? - Sure, what do you need ?
Whatever you hear about me, you agree.
And tell all the boys the same thing.
Look, I gotta go.
Sixteen minutes round-trip.
You know, Finch,
it's-- it's senior year.
I mean, don't you think it's time you
learned how to take a dump at school ?
When was the last time you looked
at the facilities in this school ?
[ Murmuring ]
- [ Grunts ]
- Excuse me.
Uh, that's
Paul Finch, right ?
- Yeah.
- Well, you've seen him in the locker room, right ?
- Uh, yeah.
- So, my friends, they want to know. Is it true ?
You know,
that he's... equipped.
I have no idea. Finch showers
with his bathing suit on.
I mean, uh--
As a matter of fact, it is true.
The guy's huge !
- Does he have a date for the prom yet ?
- No, definitely not.
All right. Thanks.
Oh, man !
So I was thinking maybe you could
give me some advice, brother to brother.
I thought you might know a trick
or somethin' to make her--
- Orgasm ?
- Yeah. - What's good here ?
- Try the spicy tuna hand roll.
- What ?
- How do you do that ?
- Hey, never mind that. Listen, pay attention.
Is that all that you're interested in,
tryin' to get your girl into bed ?
No, it'd be good to be able
to, you know, return the favor.
Be nice to know she enjoys
things as much as I do.
See that ? That's good. That's what
I wanted to hear. Now, you qualify.
- Qualify for what ?
- My man, you've just inherited the Bible.
It originally started
as a sex manual,
this book that some guys
brought back from Amsterdam.
And each year it got passed on to one
East student who was worthy.
Now, it's full of all sorts of stuff
that guys have added over the years.
But you have to keep it a secret
and return it at the end of the year.
All right.
So now you know. Good luck.
- - lf you believe in magic -
- - Ooh, magic -
- Don't you bother to choose if it's
jug band music or rhythm and blues -
- Just go and listen
It will start with a smile -
- That won't wipe off your face
no matter how hard you try -
- Your feet start tappin' and you can't
seem to find how you got there -
- Do you believe in magic --
- Scooby-dooby doo bah scoo-scooby-dooby
dooby-dooby doo bah -
- Yeah, magic --
What was that ?
- Uh, sorry.
- No, it was good.
Well, it, uh--
It came from the heart.
Well, keep it coming.
All right, people, good work !
Now, don't forget. The state
competition's a couple of weeks away,
so keep on it, okay ?
Not bad, Chris.
Really ?
Thanks, uh,
Heather, right ?
[ Chuckles ]
So, you've got this sort of
Frank Sinatra thing going on.
[ Chuckles ] Right. I feel like I've
discovered this whole new side of me.
I mean, uh,
music is so expressive.
[ Chuckles ] Okay.
I mean, I agree, but...
aren't you supposed to be out,
like, trying to decapitate someone...
-with your lacrosse stick or something ?
-Oh, sure. Sure.
You know, I know what
people think. It's like,
"Oz, he's just this
kick-ass lacrosse player."
You know, I also play football,
by the way, but that's, like,
- that's not all that I am, you know ?
- Of course, I didn't--
I mean, it really bothers me when
people try to pigeonhole me like that.
You ?
You think
I don't get that ?
God, it's like just because I don't
get drunk and barf every weekend...
that people say, "Oh, look. There's
this Goody Two-Shoes choirgirl priss."
Yeah. So, like,
what else do you do ?
the same things you do,
Iike hang out
with friends and stuff.
- Why ? What do you think I do ?
- Oh, l--
I just realized that I don't
know anything about you.
- I was interested.
- Oh, well, what do you want to know ?
You know,
stuff... about you.
All right.
Mom, I'm home !
[ Chattering ]
[ Moaning ]
[ Moaning Continues ]
Oh, yeah. Oh !
[ Gasps ]
- Jim !
- It's not what it looks like.
Well, we'll just tell your
mother that, uh-- that, uh--
we ate it all.
[ Sighs ]
- [ Spectators Clamoring ]
- [ Grunts ]
- [ Whistle Blows ]
- [ Cheering ]
[ P.A. Announcer ]
Goal by number eight, Chris Ostreicher.
- Nice game.
- Nice game. Good game.
Hey, what are
you doin' here ?
Just enjoying my first exhilarating
lacrosse experience.
- You kicked butt.
- Oh, thanks.
- Um, Chris--
- Oh, you can call me Oz, if you want.
- Do I have to ?
- You can call me Ostreicher.
- What's your middle name ?
- Nah, forget it.
- Come on. I won't tell anyone.
- Well, neither will l.
Okay. Um.
So, I had this thought and--
It may seem like
it's way out of left field.
I don't know if you can,
but since I'm not going with anybody, I thought that maybe--
Those guys sucked ass !
Choir chick, what the hell
are you doing here ?
Well, uh, I was
asking Chris to prom.
So, do you
want to go ?
Oh, yeah !
That would be great.
Well, just don't
expect Oz to pay for the limo !
Stifler, fuck !
I mean--
Why do you got to be so
insensitive all the time ?
What ?
Whatever. Look, uh, don't forget.
My cottage after prom.
On Lake Michigan.
[ Chuckles ]
Hey, wait up, you pussies.
Where you goin' ?
Ah, well, I gotta--
I gotta hit the showers now,
but I think this is gonna
be really, really good.
- Yeah. Me too.
- All right.
- Bye.
- Bye. Bye.
- 'Appenin' Oz !
- Working with the choir chick ?
What d'ya say, fellas ? I just dig
those cute little sweaters she wears.
- [ Laughing ]
- Nuts you do, you little horn dog.
Yeah !
Yeah, baby !
[ Stifler ] Spank me ! Spank me !
Hit that high "C."
[ Falsetto ]
- Ahhhh -
[ Whooping, Laughing ]
Come on !
What's goin' on here ?
[ Laughing, Shouting Continue ]
I was being selfish
and majorly insensitive.
I'm a-- I'm a total idiot.
I mean, a fool, a buffoon.
I think shithead
really says it.
You know what ? You're right.
I'm a shithead, and I want to make it up to you.
You know what ? You're right.
I'm a shithead, and I want to make it up to you.
Oh, yeah ? How ?
- [ Moaning ] Oh. Oh. Oh. Ohh !
- - Don't make me -
- - Over -
- Vicky. Shh. Your parents are downstairs.
- Kevin, don't stop !
- Just a second.
- I'm rockin' steady -
- ln demonology -
- Hey so that you could make it -
[ Moans ]
- - You're really makin' it --
- Hon, can you tell Vic to come on down for supper ?
- [ Screams ] Holy shit !
- Shh. You know there's no lock on your door ?
- -- [ Humming ]
- [ Moaning ]
-- [ Continues ]
Ohh ! I'm coming !
I'm coming !
-- [ Humming ]
- Oh, Jim !
- Dad.
Hi, I was just looking
at the old family portrait out here.
Well, that was
a fun day wasn't it ?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Jim, I want to talk
about masturbation.
Now, I just want you to know that
it's-it's a perfectly normal, uh, thing.
And I have
to admit, uh, you know.
I did a fair bit of masturbating
when I was a little younger.
- I, uh-- I used to call it
"stroking the salami." - [ Groans ]
Yeah, you know,
"pounding the ol' pud."
I never did it
with baked goods.
But you know your Uncle Mort ?
He "pinched the one-eyed snake" five, six times a day.
See, it's like, uh,
practice for the big game.
You see ?
It's like-- It's like...
banging a tennis ball
against a brick wall.
Which can be fun.
It can be fun, but it's not a game.
- Right. No.
- It's not a game.
What you want is you want
a partner to return the ball.
- Do you want a partner ?
- Yeah. Yeah-Yeah, I want a partner.
- You do want a partner ?
- Oh, I want a partner.
- Want a partner. Good. Good.
- Of course.
So, once Hal becomes king,
he has to take on...
the responsibilities of leadership
and turn his back...
on his old,
drunken friend, Falstaff.
You see, Hal is going through a...
rite of passage, much like you all are.
So make most of the time you've got
left together. You'll miss it later.
- [ Teacher Continues ]
- So, does your tongue cramp up ?
- Nah. You get kind of dizzy, though.
- Wow.
That's amazing. She's probably
gonna want to do it soon.
- [ Bell Rings ]
- All right. Class dismissed.
Still questing after the Holy Grail,
huh, guys ?
Hey, uh,
where's Finch ?
- Oh, he went home to take a shit.
- [ Chuckles ]
I don't get it.
I just don't.
How does a guy like that
get this sudden reputation ?
- What reputation ?
- Observe.
Ex-Excuse me.
Do you know who Paul Finch is ?
Yeah ! He's the guy
with the tattoo, right ?
- You know, the eagle and the
blazing fire and that stuff. - [ Chuckles ]
Well, um, if you guys see him later,
will you tell him Courtney says hi ?
- [ Scoffs ]
- Okay. Explain.
I can't. I don't
know how he's doing it.
I, uh-- I guess that
just leaves Jim trailing.
- Aw, Jimbo !
- Better sack up, buddy !
Yeah, I know.
I'm working on it, all right ?
James ?
You are very good
in the world history class, yes ?
- Me ? Y-Yes. No, uh--
- [ Mouthing Words ]
- Yes, I am.
- Perhaps you could help me with my studies.
Uh, yeah. Absolutely.
Tha-Tha-Tha-- That would be--
That would be great sometime.
- How about tomorrow ?
- Well, I have ballet practice.
Perhaps I could come
by your house afterwards ?
I could change
clothes at your place.
Oh. Uh... yeah.
I suppose that
would be okay. Sure.
- [ Engine Off ]
- Nice car !
- I'm glad you think so.
- You don't like it ?
No, I like the car.
By the way, though, about prom ?
That was a bad idea.
I'm sorry I invited you.
- What are you talkin' about ?
- Please.
I asked you because I thought you might
actually be worth going with.
But you are just a jock.
No, wait. You're a jerk.
Wait !
I don't understand.
I saw you making fun of me
with your lacrosse buddies.
Heather, I wasn't
makin' fun of you.
Gimme a break.
You're so full of it.
Fuck me ! There's gonna be an Eastern
European chick naked in your house.
And you're not gonna
do anything about that ?
What am I gonna do, huh ?
Broadcast her over the lnternet ?
- Yeah.
- You can do that ?
[ Scoffs ]
No. I cannot do that to her.
Jim, get some fuckin' balls.
If you don't have the guts
to photograph a naked chick, how you gonna sleep with one ?
I don't like the kid,
but he's got a point.
See, even shit-brick
knows you should do it.
All you gotta do is set up some sort of
private link or whatever on the 'Net...
and tell me the address.
You can send me
the address too.
I'll save
you a seat.
- How sweet it is
to be loved by you, by you -
- - I needed the shelter
of someone's arms - - - Someone's arms -
- - There you were -
- - You were, oh -
- I needed someone
who understands my ups and downs -
- There you were --
Okay, that was good, but
I want to thicken-up that solo.
Michigan State is this Saturday,
and I want that part to smoke.
Yeah, I know,
my timing's off.
No, it's not that. I think it'll
work better as a duet with a tenor part.
I'll do it.
- [ Whispers ] Dick.
- I'll do it.
See you tomorrow.
- Why are you doing this ?
- 'Cause I want to.
Yeah ? Well,
you can't fake this.
You better practice.
[ Beeping ]
- [ Knocking ]
- Come in.
Jim ? There's a, uh--
a young lady here to see you.
- Hey, Nadia.
- Hi, James. Ready to study ?
Oh, he's always ready to study.
He's a real bookworm, this kid.
- Dad.
- That means-- He's not-not one of those nerdy guys but--
- Dad !
- Well, I'll-- I'll let you two hit the books.
You want a beer ?
- [ Kevin ] Oh, there we go.
- [ Little Boy ] Come on, move !
Steve ! It's my computer !
And I wanna use it !
Shut up !
Oh, you need to--
You need to change, right ?
- Uhh, do you mind ?
- No. N-No, not at all.
Uh, please, you know.
Just go ahead and get un-- get changed.
[ Clears Throat ] I'll, uh-- I'll
go downstairs and start studying up.
- [ Chuckles ] Yeah.
- Okay.
- [ Finch ] Oh--
- [ Kevin ] All right, there he goes.
we're in business.
we're in business.
- [ Rock ]
- Back in a sec.
- Jimmy, honey, wh--
-- [ Continues ]
- He pauses shaving and he tells himself
that he is the bomb -
- She has her curlers set, her credit
cards are paying the funds -
- - He's not that old I've been told --
- Ah, here she is.
- Did I miss anything ?
- No. You are just in time.
- [ Boys Groaning ] Oh. Ohh !
- [ Kevin ] This is incredible.
Oh, my God !
This is too much.
[ Finch ] Oh, did you see ?
Oh, there that goes. Oh, geez.
God bless
the lnternet.
- [ Jim ] Ai-yi-yi.
- Do it. Take it off.
- Oh, my God.
- [ Together ] Ohhh !
Oh, thank you, God,
for this wonderful, wonderful day.
- She takes her vitamins.
- - And it is way too unhealthy -
- Often they've typically --
- [ Sighs ]
- Stop hyperventilating.
-- [ Continues lndistinct ]
This is, like,
the coolest thing I've ever seen.
- I know.
- [ Both Snicker ]
Can you believe-- This is definitely
one of Stifler's best ideas ever.
[ Jim ] What is she--
She's touching my stuff.
- Why is she touching my stuff ?
- [ Finch ] Man, let her touch.
- She's going through my stuff !
- Nadia can touch anything she wants.
- Oh.
- Oh, no. Oh, no.
- No, no.
- Oh, nice collection there, Jim.
She's gonna leave.
She's definitely gonna--
She's getting comfortable.
She's not gonna leave.
[ Finch ] She reads
the articles.
[ Boys Moaning ]
Is she ?
She's goin' downstairs.
[ Moaning ]
- Oh, my God !
- Jackpot, baby !
- Can you believe this ?
- Nadia, I would have never known.
I have an announcement
that I would like to make.
There is a gorgeous woman...
masturbating on my bed !
- [ Finch ] Thank you, Nadia !
- If you ever had a chance with Nadia, this is it.
- [ Scoffs ] What am I
supposed to do, Kev ? - Seduce her.
Wha-- What the hell
would I say ?
Go over there and ask her
if she needs an extra hand.
- That's stupid, Kev. I can't--
- That's not stupid ! You're stupid if you don't go !
Come on !
Get over there !
- Get goin', man. She's prime.
- Get out of here !
- She's waitin' for you.
- Okay, all right. I'm goin'.
- Go !
- Go ! - I'm goin' !
- Go ! Go ! Go ! Go !
- Oh, shit.
-- [ Rock ]
- She's open
waiting for more -
- And I know he's only
lookin' to score -
- And it's way too unhealthy -
- - Often they've typically -
- Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.
- Been starved
for attention before --
[ Exhales Sharply ]
Oh, boy. Oh, God.
Oh, crap. Oh, no.
- [ Phone Rings ]
- Hello ?
- Looks like Jim addressed
the e-mail wrong. - What ?
It went out to every mailbox
in the East High directory.
God, how juvenile.
- -- [ Rock ]
- Hey, hey, hey, guys !
- - Baby -
- Check this out ! Oh, my God ! Wow !
[ Laughs ]
Please, God,
let this be it.
Please ?
- [ Inhales, Exhales Deeply ]
- [ Nadia Moaning, Panting ]
- S-Somebody's goin' in there.
- [ Whimpering, Moaning ]
Here you go.
That's what you need to do.
- That guy's in my trig class.
- Oh, no.
-Looks like you could use an extra hand.
-Jim !
- Well-- Oh, God.
- Shame on you.
Yeah, shame on me.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
- Uh, you know, I'm just gonna go.
- Well,
you have seen me.
Now, it's
my turn to see you.
Strip !
- Strip ?
- Slowly.
Uh, you mean,
like, strip strip ?
For me.
[ Finch ] What is he
talkin' to her about ?
- Uh, no idea.
- Come on, Jim. People are viewing. Get to business.
- [ Tuning Radio ]
- -- [ Techno ]
Perfect !
- Move, James ! Move !
- Yeah, yeah. Move.
-- [ Continues ]
- Go, trig boy ! It's yer birthday !
- [ Chittering ]
- No ! No. No.
- Please, God.
- [ Disappointed Muttering ]
- What's going on ?
- Yes !
- All right. Get in the mix !
- See there.
- Oh, okay.
- This is disgusting.
- What the fuck is this ?
Cut it out, man !
- [ Laughing ]
- [ Laughing ]
Did not just
take out that chair.
- Yup, he took out the chair.
- More, more, you bad boy !
Oh, yeah, I'm naughty. I'm naughty,
baby. Hyah ! [ Slapping ]
- [ Groans ] Ohh, God !
- [ Chitters, Slaps ]
- Calling your name -
- - Calling your name -
- Now,
come to me.
Oh, yeah.
- Here we go.
- He's in, man.
- - Calling -
- This just got a hell of a lot better.
- Be gentle.
- Okay.
- - Calling your name -
- Uh--
- - Calling -
- Oh.
- Your name --
- [ Whimpers ]
- Jim ?
- Oh ! Oh, no.
- [ Both ] Oh, no.
- [ All ] Oh. Ohh !
- Liftoff aborted.
- Houston, we have a problem.
- Oh-- Uhh--
- [ Blows Air ]
- What happened ? What did he do
He blew it.
I guess
I'll be going now.
No, no, no, I'm-- I'm not done, Nadia.
I've, uh-- I've got reserves.
Nadia, please, please.
I'm begging you.
Well, I do like
your dirty magazines.
You do ? Okay. Well. Um.
Did-Did-- Did you see this one ?
This here is your-- is your more,
uh, exotic, risque magazine.
- He's pullin' out the porn.
- He's desperate.
[ Finch ] Jim, just wait
till she leaves.
Very arousing women.
They arouse me-- [ Clears Throat ]
They arouse me
very, very much.
But, uh--
But not as arousing as you.
- Oh, Jim !
- Oh, God !
[ Coos ]
- [ Together ] Yes !
- [ All Exclaiming ]
He's ruining daisy !
Whoo !
-- [ Continues ]
So, uh, "shaved"
is the expression ?
Holy shit.
- Holy shit !
- [ All ] Holy shit !
- H-H-Holy shit !
- Touch me, Jim.
- Here.
- [ Gasps ]
[ Groans ]
Oh. Oh.
- [ Together ] Again ?
- Not again.
- Not again, man !
- Is that possible ?
What a loser.
What a loser.
[ Bell Ringing ]
- [ Laughing ]
- [ Boy ] Hey !
[ Laughing Continues ]
[ Whooping, Taunting ]
[ Chattering ]
[ Oz ] - I needed someone
to understand my ups and downs -
- There you were -
- With sweet love
and devotion -
- Deeply touching
my emotion -
- I just wanna stop
and thank you, baby --
- Hey, minute man !
- Shut up.
You know-- You know you're
supposed to be supportive.
Hey, you think you still
got a chance with Nadia ?
No. Her sponsors here
saw the thing on the 'Net.
I-l really don't
think they liked it.
How do
you know that ?
- She's already on a plane back home.
- [ Groans ]
You know, guys ? Maybe I'm just
not good with girls, period.
No-no-no, really-really. Like-- Like I
was born without that part of the brain.
I mean, I can't
talk to girls.
And when I do talk
to them, I screw it up.
Yeah, well, come prom those excuses
aren't going to do you any good.
- [ Sighs ]
- [ Michelle ] And one time at band camp,
we weren't supposed
to have pillow fights,
but we had a pillow fight,
and it was so much fun.
A-And this one time, we all
lost our music and we were supposed to play this song,
but we didn't know it, so we just made
it up and we kept playing and playing,
and the conductor didn't know
what we were doing, and it was so funny.
-So, you're pissed about somethin', huh.
-[ Scoffs ]
You know what
I do when I'm angry ?
I just play some Bach on my flute.
It's so relaxing.
- I learned to do that at band camp.
- Hold on, uh--
You have no idea
why I'm angry ?
Is it because we have a test tomorrow ?
Sometimes I get cranky...
- when I know I have
a big test to study for. - [ Laughs ]
- Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty much it.
- I thought so...
- because this one time at band camp--
- W-What's your name ?
- Michelle.
- O-Okay.
Michelle, um--
[ Chuckles ] Do you want to be
my date for the prom ?
Really ? You seriously
want to go with me ?
Yes. Seriously.
Are we going to Steve Stifler's
party afterwards ? Because that would be so cool.
- Sure, whatever you want.
- Cool ! We're gonna have such a good time.
It'll be like this one time at band camp
when we all had a campfire--
[ Knocking At Door ]
[ Siren Wailing, Distant ]
- How'd you know I was here ?
- Stifler told me.
- Talked to Stifler ?
- Well, I needed to find you.
We're gonna have
to work on that song.
I'm glad you came by.
So you work nights ?
- My dad's the manager.
- Really ?
Cool. Tell him
the subs are great.
-So you're going to Michigan next year ?
My parents want me to go
to Northwestern, but...
I don't wanna write all those
extra essays they make you do.
I mean, how am I supposed to
know what my "most emotionally significant moment" was ?
So when my "U" of "M" acceptance came in
December, I just said the hell with it.
- Onions ?
- What ?
You, uh, want onions ?
Oh, no, thank you.
So what are you
gonna major in ?
State's got a good business
school, and I could probably walk-on to the lacrosse team.
Well, you've probably got it
pretty figured out, then, huh ?
I mean, business is okay,
and lacrosse is awesome, but...
what am I gonna be,
a professional lacrosse player ?
I really have no idea.
Thank God.
I thought I was the only one.
Well, you're not.
So we're gonna be
close next year.
You mean East Lansing
and Ann Arbor ?
[ Chuckling ]
[ Stifler ] What are you
talkin' about ?
I can't go to the prom with you.
I'm holding out for someone else.
[ Laughing ]
You gotta be fuckin' kidding me.
I know it's a long shot, but I figure
Paul Finch might ask me.
Oh, gosh.
I-l forgot.
[ Stammering ]
You look okay.
I-l mean, the scars
healed really well.
- Hey, Stifler.
- Eat shit.
What was that
all about ?
- He's still embarrassed
because Finch kicked his ass. - Who told you that ?
What do you mean,
"no comment" ?
- Did you two hook up or something ?
- What, are you kidding ? No.
Then how did all this
get started ?
Well, I guess it's all right
for me to tell you now.
That reputation of his isn't
going anywhere. Cheese, please.
Finch comes up to me
and says, "Jessica,
I need your help with this,
blah, blah, etcetera."
So I said, "All right.
Pay me 200 bucks,
and I'll tell a couple of girls
that you're dynamite in bed."
So he did,
and I did.
- That actually works ?
- Well, duh ! Of course.
Naturally, I embellished
a little bit.
Did you hear that Finch had
an affair with an older woman ?
[ Chuckling ]
No, I didn't hear that one.
That one was my favorite.
[ Laughing ]
Do that cheerleader.
- - Thank you, baby -
- She wants me. She calls me up--
- How sweet it is
to be loved by you --
Oh, my God,
you're gay !
Sing it with me.
You know the words.
No, thanks, man. You've been
singin' that shit all week.
If you try that at M.S.U.
this Saturday, I'll kick your ass.
Our last game
is this Saturday.
[ Snickers ]
Yeah, well, shit.
I've got this lacrosse game. It's
really important. It's our last game.
Central almost beat us last time, so
this time I really wanna kick their ass.
But it's gonna be cool,
because the game's at State,
which means afterwards
I'll be able to stop by.
So you can't sing
at the competition.
[ Sighing ] Heather, I'm sorry.
I totally blew it.
It's okay. You should...
do what makes you happy.
All right. Listen,
thanks for understanding.
So, uh, I guess
I'll see you later ?
[ Whistling ]
Hey, Kevin.
- You seen shit-brick lately ?
- Why ? What did you do to him ?
Me ? Nothing.
See, I'm the one
whose ass he kicked.
But, uh, I'll tell you
one thing, though.
I don't think he's gonna have a problem
shitting in school anymore.
Slipped a little something
into his mochaccino.
Oh, God !
Oh ! Oh !
[ Panting ]
Right this way,
Oh, God.
[ Farting ]
[ Farting ]
[ Farting ]
- [ Girls Laughing ]
- Oh, no.
It's gonna be fun.
[ Girl #2 ] You know it's just gonna be
some crappy band and stupid decorations.
[ Girl #1 ] You're just saying
that because prom's a week away and you don't have a date.
[ Girl #2 ] No, no, no.
I don't want a date.
- Finch is goin' stag and... so am l.
- [ Groaning ]
God, he's like so...
- [ Groans ]
- You think that older woman thing is true ?
Yeah, it's true.
It was Stifler's mom.
[ Farting ]
- [ Continues Farting ]
- Joanie, was that you ?
- Oh !
- Can't hold it.
Oh !
[ Loud Farting ]
[ Groaning ]
Eww !
[ Groaning ]
[ Whistling ]
[ Laughter ]
- Yeah !
- [ Laughter Continues ]
[ Vicky ] Kev ?
I think we've come...
- a really long way since homecoming.
- Yeah, we have.
Maybe it's time...
we start to express ourselves
in new ways.
- Yeah.
- You wanna do it ?
- Yeah.
- I love you.
It's your turn.
That's not
what I was thinking.
Sex. It's always
about sex.
It's not
always about sex.
I just thought it was
about sex this time.
Look, Vicky, love is a term
that gets thrown around,
and-and people
don't mean it.
When I say it, I want it
to be more than words.
- You know ? I want it to be--
- Perfect.
- [ Choir Director ] Okay, Albert.
You ready ? - No problemo.
- I close my eyes
at night -
Come on, Heather.
Work with me here.
[ Crowd Applauding, Cheering ]
- [ Whistle Blows ]
- [ Announcer ] Goal, Ostreicher !
- All right, Oz !
- Atta boy, Ozzie !
Whoo !
Yeah, baby !
- We're crushing you losers !
- Let's go, fellas !
Come on !
Whoo-hoo !
- Bumblebee, bumblebee,
bumblebee, bumblebee, bumblebee -
Focus on the music.
Think melody.
- Let the music be my guide.
- That would be a start.
Who's the man ?
Stifler !
[ Coach ]
Huddle up, guys ! Huddle up !
Huddle up !
Come on ! Okay.
All right, all right !
- Good hustle, guys.
- Good hustle.
But you can still lose. You all saw
what happened to Oz out there.
I don't want to ever see any of you
thinking you're gonna score.
You don't score
until you score.
- Until you score.
- That's right, baby !
[ Coach ] It all boils down
to today.
For you seniors,
this marks the culmination...
- of the past four years.
- Culmination.
[ Coach ] I want you to think about
what this means to you.
Do you guys wanna look back
on your days at East...
and know that you used
the time you had ?
- Hell, yeah !
- You do !
- Ah ! Good attitude, Ostreicher.
- Good luck, fellas.
Christ, I didn't tell ya
to leave the game.
I'm sorry, Coach.
You got someplace more important
to be, Ostreicher ?
Ostreicher !
Oz ?
Fuckface ?
[ Coach ] Ostreicher !
- Hey, Oz !
- Ozmeister !
- [ Albert ] Oh, great.
- What about the game ?
- I'm not playing.
- You're missing the game for us ?
No, I'm missing the game
for you.
- D-Does this mean I'm not
gonna get to do the duet ? - Albert, you suck.
I don't think
he's comin' back.
[ Heather ] - Close my eyes at night -
- - Close my eyes -
- - Wonderin' where would I be without you in my life -
- - Oh -
- - Everything I did was just a bore -
- - Just a bore -
- - Everywhere I went seems I been there before -
[ Together ] - But you brighten up
for me all of my days -
- - With a love so sweet -
- - ln so many ways -
- I just wanna stop -
- - And thank you, baby -
- [ All ] - I just wanna stop -
- - And thank you, baby -
- - Thank you, baby -
- How sweet it is
to be loved by you --
[ Audience Applauding ]
Yeah, Oz !
You fuckin' rule !
- Fuckin' rule !
- Yeah !
[ Vicky ] Maybe the words
aren't that important.
It's like, I know he
really cares about me, you know ?
Even if he can't
say it, he does.
And yeah, he always talks about sex, but
that's okay, 'cause he's a guy, right ?
- He's got a dick. He's a guy.
- Right.
Wait. Is this
translation right ?
"Go home, bird teacher.
I've had enough."
I don't know.
I got it from Kevin.
- So, does it hurt ?
- What ?
You know-- sex.
Does it hurt ?
Yeah. I mean, the first time you do it,
you know, it hurts.
But then you, you do it again
and again and again--
It just starts to feel good.
Really good.
Okay, so say
I don't do it.
And then I go off to college. I might
end up doing it with some random guy...
- who totally turns out to be a jerk.
- This is true.
And I'll wish I would've
done it with Kevin.
So go do it with Kevin.
- You think ?
- Yeah. You're-- You're ready.
- You're woman. Look at you.
You're ready for sex. - You're right.
- I know.
- I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna have sex.
- Now.
- And it's gonna be right, and it's gonna be just perfect.
- Perfect sex.
- Thanks, Jessica.
[ Whispering ]
- [ Whispering ] I wanna have sex.
- [ Loud ] Now ?
- As you walk up those steps
and garner your award -
- Try not to forget about me -
- 'Cause I was there when you
had no one else to hold -
- You used to look
just like a saint -
- And stumble into walls -
- You're a guy's
very own quarantine -
- You used to never
think you'd ever grow old --
[ Jim's Dad ] You must be excited
about the big night tonight.
Who's the lucky girl ?
Who's the lucky girl ?
- Michelle.
- Yeah.
- She must be very special.
- Oh, she's special, all right.
I'm sure she is special if you
picked her out of the whole bunch.
[ Clears Throat ] Jim, I'm just gonna
say one thing...
before you leave
I want you to be very,
very careful...
when you're
putting on...
the corsage.
Okay, Dad.
- Promise me.
- I promise.
- Midnight at the oasis -
- Send your camel to bed -
- Shadows painting our faces -
- Traces -
- Of romance in our heads -
- Heaven's holding a half-moon -
- Shining just for us -
- Let's slip off
to a sand dune -
- Real soon -
- And kick up a little dust -
- Come on
Cactus is our friend -
- He'll point out the way -
You know, at band camp
we have dances like this,
only they're way funner.
- Till the evenin' ends --
- Hey, hey, hey
Oooh -
[ Kevin ] All right, status check.
Where do you guys stand ?
Finch, we know where you are,
but can't really use that as an excuse.
Jim ?
Uh, my date's a flute-toting band dork.
Does that answer your question ?
Oz, is this vocal-jazz shit
gonna pay off or what ?
Kevin, what's with
the attitude ?
Attitude ? Me ?
I think you guys should be
a little more enthusiastic.
This is the night
we've been waiting for.
We're in this together.
You guys can't back out.
Kev, you don't need us to get laid.
Are you afraid or something ?
No. Come on.
We made a pact.
You can't break that.
You guys are gonna have to--
Have to what, Kev, huh ?
I don't have to do shit.
Forget it already. I am so sick
and tired of all this bullshit pressure.
I've never even had sex, and already,
I can't stand it. I hate sex !
And I'm not gonna stand around here
busting my balls over something that,
quite frankly,
isn't that damn important.
I'm gonna go hang out
with that geek over there...
'cause at least she has something else
to talk about besides sex.
You know, at least I learned
how to shit in school, buddy.
Hey, Finch.
- Wanna dance ?
- Yeah.
- Oooh -
- How come you have no date ?
- I like to keep my options open.
I got something for you.
Consider it
a consolation prize.
Jessica, this is great !
Wow !
- Felt sorta guilty
No, I spent 50 on the flask,
- These are, uh--
- Let me just clarify...
- that you have no chance
of scoring with me, Finch. - Of course not !
So I take it you and Sherman
are pretty close, huh ?
You met at that party
a while back, right ?
Yeah, we were
up all night together.
We had one of those
amazingly deep conversations...
where you feel like
you really get to know someone.
[ Chuckling ]
Deep conversation, huh ?
Is that
what you call it ?
What else
would I call it ?
Thank you, Great Falls.
We're gonna take a little break.
You are beautiful.
[ Boy ] You suck !
[ Microphone Feedback ]
Excuse me, everyone.
Sorry to interrupt.
I just thought
you all should know this.
Chuck Sherman is a liar.
I never had sex with him.
He's never had sex with anyone.
I know this because he told me.
Once he tried to screw
a grapefruit, but that's all.
Oh. He also told me that when he gets
nervous, he sometimes wets his pants.
- Thank you for your time.
- [ Crowd Chattering, Laughing ]
[ Jim Clears Throat ]
- [ Jim ] Guess what ?
- Not interested.
Kevin. Come on, man. The bus
to Stifler's is gonna be here soon.
- I'm not going.
- [ Jim ] What ?
Why not ?
Look, things didn't really
turn out how I wanted them to.
I mean, I don't even
know what I'm doin'.
I-l'm acting like I've got
everything together tonight.
I know that Vicky's gonna
ask me if I love her, and...
I don't know
what I'm gonna say.
I mean,
I'm on the brink.
I'm just about to do it.
I should be psyched.
I don't know. Maybe you're right.
Maybe I am just scared.
[ Scoffs ] Come on, Kev.
Tonight is the night.
We-We are finally going
to a post-prom party on the lake.
We have been waiting for this
for four years.
Why else have we been friends
with Stifler all this time, right ?
We were friends
with Stifler ?
Hey, look.
Sherman didn't even
get laid.
- He didn't ?
- No, he pissed himself.
- [ Laughing ]
- What ?
We'll tell you
on the bus.
I'm gonna go inside
and grab my bag.
My date too, perhaps ?
[ Jim ] Stifler's mom
got it in the divorce.
[ Michelle ] That reminds me
of this one time--
Hey, can I ask you
a question ?
How come you don't have any stories ?
I've got lots of them,
and you don't have any.
Oh, I've got stories.
Believe me. They're just, uh--
They're just a little
more risque than tales of band camp.
Are they gross or something ?
Like guy stuff ? Tell me !
You want a story ?
Here's a story.
Stifler finds this beer--
- [ Kevin ] This is
the nicest room in the house. - Kev, it's perfect.
- [ Vicky Screams ]
- You guys are gonna fuck, aren't ya ?
Fuckers !
Fuckers, fuckers !
fuckers, fuckers !
- Out.
- Aw, come on !
- Get out.
- Aw, man !
- [ Laughing ]
- [ Laughing ]
There's something
I've been meaning to tell you, Heather.
What's that ?
It's gonna sound
really bad, but, uh,
I want you to know.
You see, uh,
I'm a virgin,
and, uh--
Well, me, Kevin, Jim
and Finch were--
We all made this pact...
that we would
lose our virginity...
before high school
was over,
and tonight is supposed
to be the night that we all do it.
This isn't the best way
to proposition me.
No, that's--
That's not what I mean.
W-What I mean is, uh--
Look, do you know
what made me leave that game ?
See, Coach, he was givin' us
this speech about...
not slacking off when you see
the opportunity to score--
This isn't any better,
No, you see--
You see, Heather,
what I realized is that...
with you, it's...
not like I'm running towards a goal...
Iooking for
the best way to score.
This may sound
a little corny, but...
I feel like
I've already won.
And, uh,
I care about you a lot.
Oz, I know.
- You called me Oz.
- Well, yeah.
It's what your friends
call you.
I mean, I feel like I'm
one of your friends now.
And... your girlfriend ?
- Ain't never thought that
I could love like this -
- This feeling inside me
is growing -
- I never thought that
you would care --
Are ya lost ?
You're Stifler's mom.
No, no, not lost.
Just, um,
you know,
taking the tour.
Hey, uh, thank you for letting
us have this wonderful party.
As if there was
an alternative in the matter.
So, you enjoying yourself ?
I'm... three sheets
to the wind, ma'am.
I'm so happy for you.
But it takes the edge off,
doesn't it ?
- Where's your little date tonight ?
- No date. It was--
It was a bathroom incident.
- Pardon me ?
- Never mind.
You have
anything to drink ?
I believe the kegs
are upstairs.
That is what
the cretins drink.
I'm talking about
alcohol, liquor.
- The good stuff.
- All right.
I got some scotch.
- Single malt ?
- Aged 18 years.
The way I like it.
Why don't you go
grab a glass from the bar ?
I think I should.
Allow me.
You know it's
a bitchin' party.
The Stif-man
always comes through in the clutch.
[ Jim Laughs ] And then he just
puked his brains out.
- That is a nasty story.
- Yep, I told you.
Do you want to hear
a nasty story of mine ?
It's sort of sexual.
Yeah !
Yeah, let's hear it.
Okay, well, this one time at band camp,
we were playing this game.
I don't know if you know it,
but it's called "Spin the Bottle."
And I had to kiss this guy
named Mark Wander on the lips.
And-And he plays
[ Kevin ] So how do you
want to be ?
Like... how do you
want to do it ?
I don't know.
How do you ?
Like... normal style.
The missionary position.
Kev ?
- Yeah ?
- I wanna hear you say it.
I love you.
I love you.
- Don't stray -
- Don't ever go away -
- I should be
much too smart for this -
- You know it gets
the better of me -
- Sometimes
when you and I collide -
- - I fall into an ocean of you -
- Oh. My hair.
- Pull me out in time -
- [ Gasps ]
- - Don't let me drown -
- Let me down -
You okay ?
Yeah. Go slow.
- Say you'll stay -
- Don't come and go -
- Like you do -
- Sway my way -
- Yeah, I need to know -
- All about you -
- Say you'll stay --
So the end of the story
is you...
had to kiss the guy
for 20 seconds.
Yes ! And he was such a dork.
Everyone laughed at me...
- but I didn't care
because it was so funny. - I get it.
And this one time at band camp,
I stuck a flute in my pussy.
[ Sputters ]
[ Coughs ]
Excuse me ?
What ? You don't think I know
how to get myself off ?
Hell, that's what
half of band camp is-- Sex Ed.
So are we gonna screw soon,
'cause I'm gettin' kinda antsy.
This'll do. Whoo-hoo !
- [ Toy Squeaks ]
- [ Grunts ] Ow !
Now, I have two rubbers.
Wear them both. It'll desensitize you.
Now, I have two rubbers.
Wear them both. It'll desensitize you.
I don't want you coming
so damn early this time.
What makes you think
that I would come early ?
Come on. I saw you on the 'Net.
Why do you think I accepted this date ?
- You're a sure thing.
- [ Scoffs ]
Yes, I am.
So I said, "This is very obviously
a Piero della Francesca."
[ Laughing ]
So, uh, would you object if I said
that you were quite striking ?
Mr. Finch, are you
trying to seduce me ?
- Yes, ma'am, I am.
- - And here's to you -
- Mrs. Robinson -
- Jesus loves you more
than you will know -
- Whoa, whoa, whoa -
- Stand up tall, Mrs. Robinson -
- Mmm, you're dead.
- - God in heaven smiles on those who pray -
- Hey, hey, hey -
- - Hey, hey, hey --
- [ Pool Balls Clacking ]
- - Hey, hey, hey --
- [ Pool Balls Clacking ]
- Sway my way -
- Yeah, I need to know -
- All about you -
- And there's no cure -
- And no way to be sure -
- Why everything's
turned inside out -
- lnstilling so much doubt -
- It makes me so tired -
- I feel so uninspired -
- My head is battling
with my heart -
- My logic has been torn apart
And now --
- [ Stifler's Mom ] I had
no idea you'd be this good. - Neither did l.
[ Moaning ]
Oh, Finchy. Finch.
- Oh, Stifler's mom, whoa !
- Finchy !
[ Toy Squeaks ]
- [ Toy Squeaking ]
- Okay, let's go.
What's my name ?
Say my name, bitch !
Michelle, Michelle.
[ Jim ] Oh, God.
That was
a great night, huh ?
I mean, I just can't believe
we had our senior prom.
I know.
It went by so fast.
Yeah, it did.
Kevin ?
Next year with you
going to Ann Arbor...
and me going to lthaca,
it's not gonna work,
is it ?
Don't say that.
I mean,
we could make it work.
- It'll be perfect.
- No, Kevin.
-See, that's what I've been realizing...
is that...
nothing's perfect.
And you can't
plan everything.
Well, I guess... you will
be pretty far away.
And we'll be on our own,
meeting new people.
Last night, though.
I wasn't lying.
I know.
She's gone.
Oh, my God.
She used me.
I was used.
I was used.
Cool !
What's this door locked--
Mom, where's--
- Mom ? Shit-brick ?
- [ Finch ] Hey, Stifler.
- Do do do do do do do -
[ Finch ] I just gotta say that women,
Iike a fine wine,
only get better with age.
Of course, I have
no basis for comparison, but, uh,
it was good.
So you almost made it,
huh, Oz ?
- I'll just say that
we had a great night together. - Hang in there, buddy.
- You'll get there.
- You know, guys, I think we're falling in love.
Wha-- [ Chuckles ]
That's great, man.
That's awesome.
Y-You know what
the coolest thing is, guys ?
You know, right now.
It's true. I mean, after this,
everything's gonna be different.
After... getting laid ?
- After high school.
- Here's to the next step.
- To the next step.
- To the next step. - To the next step.
- Do do do do do do do -
- Do do do do do do do -
- Do do do do do do do -
- Do do do do do do do --
- Chickety China, the Chinese
chicken, have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin' -
- Watchin' X Files
with no lights on -
- We're dans la maison
I hope the Smoking Man's in this one -
- Like Harrison Ford
I'm getting frantic -
- Like Sting I'm tantric
Like Snickers guaranteed to satisfy -
- Like Sting I'm tantric
Like Snickers guaranteed to satisfy -
- Like Kurosawa
I make mad films -
- Okay, I don't make films
but if I did they'd have a samurai -
- Gonna get a set of better clubs,
gonna find the kind with tiny nubs -
- So my irons aren't always
flyin' off the backswing -
- Gonna get in tune
with Sailor Moon 'cause that cartoon -
- Has got the boom anime babes
that make me think the wrong thing -
- How can I help it if I think
you're funny when you're mad -
- Tryin' hard not to smile
though I feel bad -
- I'm the kinda guy
who laughs at a funeral -
- Sweetheart ?
- - Can't understand what I mean You soon will -
- It's been one week
since you looked at me -
- Dropped your eyes to the side
and said, I'm sorry --
- Dropped your eyes to the side
and said, I'm sorry --
- Hello to your mother
your brother significant other -
- I am the summertime -
- And I'm here
to free your mind -
- Kick off your shoes the blues
and use anything but your mind -
- 'Cause this is
the summertime -
- And it's here
to free your mind -
- How many other people
can you save today -
- Don't you think it's high time
that you sail away -
- Leave today
Don't fall behind -
- Try something new, turn into you
if only for a short time -
- I am the summertime -
- And I'm here
to free your mind --
- Love is tragic
Love is bold -
- You will always
do what you are told -
- Love is hard
Love is strong -
- You will never say
that you were wrong -
- I don't know
when I got bitter -
- Love is surely better
when it's gone -
- 'Cause you wanted more -
- More than I could give -
- More than I could handle -
- And a life that I can't live -
- You wanted more -
- More than I could bear -
- More than I could offer -
- And a love that isn't there -
- Love is color
Love is love -
- Love is never saying
you're too proud -
- Love is trusting
Love is honest -
- Love is not a hand
that holds you down -
- I don't know
when I got bitter -
- Love is surely better
when it's gone -
- 'Cause you wanted more -
- More than I could give -
- More than I could handle -
- And a life that I can't live -
- You wanted more -
- More than I could bear -
- More than I could offer -
- And a love that isn't there -
- I gotta pick me up
when I am down -
- I gotta get my feet
back on the ground -
- I gotta pick me up
when I am down -
- I don't know
when I got bitter -
- But love is surely better
when it's gone -
- 'Cause you wanted more -
- More than I could give -
- More than I could handle -
- And a life that I can't live -
- You wanted more --