American Pie Presents: Girls' Rules (2020) Movie Script

I'm gonna miss you
SO much.
Well, you'll come and visit me
and, uh, I'll call.
| love you so much.
Oh, me, too.
Still some packing to do.
Got a big day tomorrow.
Okay, Mom. I'm coming.
Early start
and a long drive.
Goodbye. Bye.
Bye, Mrs. Sawyer.
She hates me.
No she doesn't.
She doesn't.
No, she really, really does.
But | love you. Okay?
... | gotta go.
I'll call you
when | get there.
Call me from the road.
Okay, it's a three-hour drive
to Michigan State.
We're gonna be okay.
I'll see you soon.
Okay. Mmm-hmm.
You bet your ass
you will.
Sittin' here
eatin' my heart out, waitin
Waitin' for some lover
to call
Dialed about a thousand
numbers lately
Almost rang the phone
off the wall
Lookin' for a lover
who needs another
Don't want another night
on my own
Wanna share my love
with a warm-blooded lover
Wanna bring a wild man
back home
Gotta have some hot love baby,
this evenin
Oh, shit.
| need some hot stuff
baby, tonight
| want some hot stuff
baby, this evenin
Gotta have some lovin'
Gotta have some love tonight
Hot stuff
Oh, no.
Oh. Yeah, I'm bare
back there. Okay.
Oh, god damn it.
God damn it.
| need hot stuff
| want some hot stuff
That's right
Okay. Here we go.
Oh, yeah.
Hot, hot, hot, hot stuff
Hot, hot, hot
Oh, shit.
Hot, hot, hot, hot stuff
Hot, hot, hot
How's about some hot stuff
baby, this evenin'?
Ooh, I need your loving
Gotta have
your hot stuff tonight
Hot stuff
Hot stuff
Oh, yes!
Patricia! I'm dying for
a piece of that pie, hon.
What are you doin'?
You leave for college tomorrow
and | wanted to give you
a night to remember.
| want to give you sex.
Sure. Yeah.
Sex with me, tonight, now.
Yeah. Yeah, okay.
Cool. I just...
| thought you didn't want to.
Oh, of course | want to.
| just want it
to be special.
And romantic. And perfect.
Right. Yeah.
| love you
and | wanna lose
my virginity to you.
Oh, that's...
That's so nice.
That is a Christmas card.
That's what | said.
I'm gonna take a picture.
My parents would love
to see his face.
You wanna do the thing?
Guess what I'm wearing
under my coat.
Oh, I'm so ready.
I'm so ready.
Oh, my...
Oh, what... Uh...
That's not what | wanted.
Wow, what a beautiful pie.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Who the hell is it?
It's me, Daddy.
You're on a video chat. Yeah.
It's a video chat.
What're you doing on TV?
Maybe you need,
like, a doctor?
No. No.
Need some ointment
or something... Oh.
Shut up.
Let's go upstairs
and see your grandson, huh?
We made this pie for him.
It's really hot.
She did
such a good job.
- Where are you?
- I'm right here.
No, not you.
I'm talking to them.
We're going upstairs, Mom.
And Jason's
gonna be surprised.
Just wait.
Just wait.
Who's Jason?
Jason's your grandson, honey.
What channel is this?
Oh! What is that?
Uh-huh. Sure.
Okay. Yeah.
- Honey.
- We have a surprise for you.
- Jason?
- Jason.
Girl's got a prophylactic
in her mouth.
Hold on, Mom.
I'm not dressed.
Are you choking on the...
Jason Sawyer, open this door!
Sorry, Mom,
| got a charley horse
in my leg.
Can you bring me the banana
for the potassium?
| love you very much.
But, uh, you gotta go.
Okay. Bye.
Jason Sawyer!
Sorry, Mom.
That damned charley horse.
Meemaw and Peepaw
saw your penis.
No. Not yet. Ow!
You're so smart
and gorgeous.
Not yet.
I'll tell you when.
Just a little higher.
You're my princess.
Rub softer but faster.
Smash that pussy now! Now!
| cherish you.
| cherish you.
Fuck yeah.
We are
the greatest couple ever.
No one has sex like we do.
| mean, I've never
had sex like this,
but you're my first,
so | don't know.
| showed you that
you're in my lobster poems
| wrote about you, right?
Yeah, but, like,
how amazing?
Like, oh, | don't know...
Better than the other girls?
You're doing it again.
I'm not jealous.
I'm just asking.
Yeah. It starts with asking
and then you spiral.
Are you filming us?
You little shit!
That is a total violation.
Not cool, Keenan.
You respect my boundaries,
you little shit!
Get back here!
Give me that phone!
You will learn
about emotional intelligence.
Delete that video!
The framing isn't even good!
Again? Really?
Oops. Sorry. Love you.
Who the fuck is Monica?
I do not shrink
from this responsibility.
| welcome it.
| do not believe
that any of us...
The energy, the faith,
the devotion...
Here we go.
...which we bring
to this endeavor...
Oh, yeah.
...will light our country
and all...
Bring it home now.
And the glow from that fire
can truly light the world.
And so, my fellow Americans,
ask not what your country
can do for you...
...ask what you can do
for your country.
You can ring my bell
Ring my bell
You can ring my bell
Principal Shankman.
Been waitin' for you.
That outfit's amazing.
I'm glad you reconsidered,
decided to take me up
on my offer.
Strip, slave.
You like that?
| like it. | like it.
Are you excited?
Oh, yes, Mistress.
Handcuffs, yeah.
Is that a whip?
Yes, itis.
See, it's an app.
It's for S and M freaks
like you.
| like it.
| don't really
understand it but...
Yeah, 'cause you're
fucking stupid.
You know, can you do
the mommy thing again?
The kids at school
are gonna love that.
Wait, wait, wait a minute.
Are you filming me?
Fuck, yeah.
See, I've had it with you,
Principal Shankman,
hitting on me
and the other girls.
It's gross.
And | really don't
want your pervy,
sexual harassing ass around
for my senior year, so...
Welcome to
your retirement party.
Young lady,
take the handcuffs off.
Oh, no, no, no.
See, I'm in charge now,
you creepy fuck.
Retire or this video
goes viral.
So, take the weekend,
think about what you've done.
And | hope this teaches you
a very valuable lesson.
Never, ever
fuck with a Stifler.
Stifler! Stifler!
You're in big trouble.
I'm in bigger trouble.
Are you
fucking kidding me?
You choked on
a blowjob condom and
you don't even get slammed?
It's called a dental dam.
Why does no one know this?
Okay. So you use
a dental dam for safety,
but you still fell
out of a window
and you did not get laid.
Yeah, | get it.
| messed up.
I'm sorry if | wanted
my first time
to be both safe
and beautiful, okay?
Come on.
Sex isn't supposed
to be beautiful.
It's supposed to be hot
and dirty and hungry!
I am going to do it
and it is going to be
beautiful, okay.
Tough love time, Annie.
Your boyfriend's
a total bro-bag.
Jason is not a bro-bag.
| didn't wanna say it,
but he is the basic
of all bros.
I'm sorry.
We're supposed to be
having fun and fuckin
celebrating our youth!
Senior year, bitches!
Back to school party!
Students of
East Great Falls!
Welcome to the annual
Back To School Party!
And on Monday we go back
to the bullshit banality
of high school life.
But today, the sun is out!
The booze is flowing!
And we're teenagers
prone to bad decisions!
Ah! Drink it down!
East Great Falls!
Hey, girl.
What's good, Stifler?
Brett McCormick.
At a party
and still conscious.
Good for you.
You know, Stifler,
| hear things.
You've got the reputation
of being the bang
of the century.
Feels like I'm missing out.
You know, that's a real
panty-dropper, McCormick.
I'll tell you what.
Not today. Not tomorrow.
Not if you were
the last man on Earth.
Not if | even loved
the reek of Axe body spray.
Not if | didn't
already know you have
a itty-bitty little dick.
That's not...
No, see, | hear things, too.
So don't try to be clever.
That would just
be really bad for you.
Just don't throw up anywhere
or do any nonconsensual
That's your job for today.
| believe in you.
They're my feelings.
You're being
ridiculous! Okay?
You hacked my phone.
Okay, so | hacked
my boyfriend's phone.
Everybody does it,
by the way.
- Am | right, ladies?
- Yes, okay?
And | see some thirsty bitch
hitting on you.
For the last time,
that thirsty bitch
IS my cousin,
Are you telling me
people don't fuck
their cousins?
Because it happens.
Their kids have tails.
And she asked if
you've been working out?
Because she's
my physical therapist.
She helped me
when | blew out
my knee last year.
| vaguely remember this.
Yeah, and you texted her
and you told her
| have an STD!
Yeah, | wanted her
to stay away from you.
Yeah, well, she called my mom
and now my mom thinks
| have syphilis.
Well, she's gonna
be so relieved when she
finds out you don't. Okay?
You know, that can lead to
madness if not treated.
I'm breaking up with you.
Tim. | love you.
Is this a joke?
We're in love, stupid!
Hey, sweetie.
You... You okay?
Oh, that?
Yeah. We just break up
so that we can make up.
Yeah, it's just
a little speed bump.
Oh! You guys wanna
go get fucked up?
Let's go.
Okay. Whatever you want.
That's concerning.
Hey, hey!
Annie, what's...
What's up?
I'm at this stupid party
and | was just missing you.
Oh, okay.
That's good.
That's real good.
In my mouth next time. Okay.
| gotta go.
I'll talk to you later.
Oh, okay. Well, | love...
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm there.
Oh, you might wanna...
How we doin'?
My sex-starved boyfriend
is surrounded by a bunch
of college thots,
and I'm the only 17-year-old
virgin in history!
You are the lucky one.
Ignorance is bliss,
my virginal friend.
It could be days before
Tim and | are back together.
None of us need a man
to have a healthy sex life.
| am learning that technology
has given us incredible
innovations in self-pleasure.
And, like,
whatever you're into.
External, internal,
dildos, rabbits, wands,
vibrators, remote-controlled
butt plugs, anal beads,
Ben Wa balls...
Ben Wa balls?
Oh, yeah. | have two in
right now. It is a very
specific sensation.
Ooh! Yeah.
They're amazing.
The knowledge that you have
something in your vagina
is very unsettling to me.
That is my whole point.
| would argue that
you could use some unsettling
experimentation, Annie.
Do you have a toy?
We don't...
| don't do that.
Why does she hate you?
we're all lacking something
in the romance area.
But | feel like, we gotta
figure this shit out.
Like, it's our senior year.
What do you mean?
Okay, but what goals?
Oh. For you, you need a guy
who appreciates
your sense of humor
and doesn't take things
so personally.
Maybe someone
who's less emotional.
Yeah, like, someone,
like, way less woke.
Not a guy who wants
to make sweet love.
You need a guy who wants
to fuck, you know?
Oh, my God!
| do need someone
who wants to fuck!
There you go.
Okay, my turn,
my turn. Do me.
Yeah, that's pretty simple.
You need someone smart.
Yeah, you need someone
who understands you,
who would like
social consciousness
but also like integrity.
Mmm. Yeah, like,
someone a little kinky.
| like it. Okay.
What about Steph?
Me? Oh, | am so good.
Oh, sweetie, sorry,
but you need
some serious work.
What? Excuse me?
What exactly do | need?
Annie, take it.
- A nice guy.
- Mmm.
Someone who wants
to be around you
and buys thoughtful presents
and asks about your day.
Okay. What about Annie?
Um, to have sex
with the man | love.
Guys, these goals
are totally attainable.
But we need a deadline.
About a month away,
and it has the perfect theme.
Your lack of school spirit
is truly disheartening.
Ladies, come on.
It's a MORP dance.
"Prom" spelled backwards.
We switch all the conventions,
and most importantly,
- girls ask guys.
- Okay.
Rule one, set a goal
to fix our romantic lives.
Rule number two,
we support our fellow women.
Three, we are all
accountability partners.
And we won't let each other
get away with our usual shit.
Yes. Yes.
And rule four,
deadline is homecoming.
The MORP dance.
Wait, but | don't like
that it's rules.
Makes it sound like
a competition.
Well, everything
is a competition.
It's not, though.
It's a pact, so...
Ooh, a pact. Okay.
Well, ladies,
please raise your glasses
to The Girls' Rules.
- Yes!
- Cheers.
We have a pact!
Call it classic
Reach out and grab it
Super massive
Pulls like a magnet
Jumping straight out the box
You got me like whoa
Well, hello
Got, got, got me like whoa
Well, hello
Got, got, got me like whoa
Well, hello
Okay, we start today.
We're getting what we want,
and if anybody doesn't like it
they can eat
a bag of dicks.
Kind of feel like we're
Charlie's Angels, but not
the Drew Barrymore one.
The older one
where no one wore bras.
I'm attracted
| gotta have it
Super massive
Pulls like a magnet
Not to ruin this badass moment
of female empowerment,
but look at our choices.
You're right.
We've known these rats
since elementary.
You really think
we go to school
with the perfect guy
and just haven't noticed?
Oh, | think
exactly that.
Look, there's over 500 guys
at East Great Falls.
The guy you might be
looking for might be
right under your oyster.
Or at Michigan State.
Okay, ironically,
| think that
Annie out of all of us
will probably benefit
the most from our pact.
Especially the part
where we call
on her bullshit.
What bullshit?
Okay. You wanna lose it
to Jason the D-bag?
Here's an idea.
Get your ass down
to Michigan State and fuck
his little brains out.
Seems simple,
yet here you are.
That was harsh.
Yeah, rule three,
accountability partner!
Jason's busy.
I'm trying
to plan a trip there
but with his school schedule,
we barely even get time
to talk.
So sad.
Adios, mofos.
In the meantime,
| suggest we start training.
In order to enjoy sex,
you need to know
what you like, right?
What're you thinking?
I'm thinking that
we do a shopping trip.
Oh, gotta go.
Gonna be late.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
You can ring my bell
Ring my bell...
- Oh, my God.
- Hey.
Are you okay?
That looked really painful.
Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
No, I'm great.
[, um... | just...
| was late for class.
It's a little
schedule blunder.
It's a pre-calc.
It should've said calc calc.
Hence, the running.
But you look lost,
and as Student Council
Vice President,
it's actually my obligation
to help you.
Hi. I'm Michelle.
And I'm trying really hard
to hide my growing anxiety
about being late for class.
I'm Grant.
Just moved here.
Totally lost.
And amused
at your growing anxiety.
But you're in luck.
| am also on the way
to calculus.
I'd be more than happy
to report how you
selflessly helped me,
even though
it made you late.
And I'll be sure to leave out
the part about you, you know,
face-slamming a door.
Is that a Ben Wa ball?
Three second rule.
Should we go?
A sweet treat
for my sweet treat.
What're you doing?
We broke up. Remember?
We had a little squabble.
Pumpkin spice or mocha?
This is real. It's over.
You're just not my lobster.
Mind if | join you?
Look. | know this is not
in any way my business,
but | couldn't help
but overhear.
Oh, God.
Yeah, it's pretty uncomfy.
But | figured it might be
a less pathetic moment
if you weren't sitting alone
while your ex
is still watching.
You really wanna
drive him nuts?
Pass me that
delicious pumpkin spice.
Who are you?
I'm Grant.
I'm cheering you up.
You're trying to steal
my coffee.
That's just an added bonus.
I'm Kayla.
Nice to meet you, Kayla.
Why'd you give me
the mocha one?
You think I'm just gonna
give you pumpkin spice?
This shit is seasonal
and | don't even know you.
Let everyone know
That the girls run the show
Who wants some? Yeah!
The lights are down low
Raise the curtain and go
It's our big night
Our big night
Who the fuck is that?
Who's the fresh meat?
Yeah, look at that snack.
Nice dick!
You spooked him.
- No way. He's too far.
- 20 bucks.
| want some of that.
You're on.
Go on, give me some space.
Wait for it.
Fuck, yeah!
Oh shit!
| can't believe
she actually made that.
He might be dead.
You killed the snack!
Venmo me, motherfuckers!
Girls run this
Girls run this show
Oh, my God, I...
| am so sorry.
Are you okay?
Oh, | think so.
You good?
Yeah, | think so.
Um, I'm Stephanie.
Stephanie Stifler.
I'm Grant.
Uh, your hands are so soft.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I'm looking for
the boys' lacrosse practice.
The boys' practice
Is on the east field.
Yeah, I'll walk you.
Uh, it's okay.
Nice goal, by the way.
It was good, right?
You will be mine.
Come on.
Oh, my God.
| am very uncomfortable
right now.
Okay. Annie, let's just
take a deep breath
and calm down
and realize that
this is just a store.
There's nothing weird or wrong
or dirty about this place.
You come here a lot?
Hey, Rose.
| guess so.
The new VJ-VAX
just came out.
Girl, it's great for your
nipples, your tongue,
your clitoris,
any sphincter...
She's naming so many
different body part words.
Poor thing.
You're still allowing yourself
to be clit-blocked
by the patriarchy.
I'm so sorry.
Did | hear you say
the VJ-VAX came in?
I've just heard
amazing things.
They're all true.
Oh, can |
get a demonstration?
Okay. Come on.
Oh, no.
Oh, dear God.
Welcome to your
sexual awakening.
Somewhere on this wall
lies the access point
to your orgasm.
But, to pick the right toy,
| do need
a little bit of information.
Are you an innie
or an outie?
Am | what?
Why don't we use
this rubber vagina
as a visual aid.
That's a return
but we cleaned it.
Thanks, Rose.
Okay, do you like this,
or do you like this?
I'll... I'Ml...
I'll just pick Option A.
Well, that makes
a lot of sense.
Most women orgasm
through clitoral stimulation.
did you know that
75% of women never orgasm
through intercourse alone?
It's a fact.
I'm sorry, ladies,
could you just...
You're blocking
the good stuff.
Oh, sorry.
How about this guy?
Hello. How are you?
Aw, sweet baby bird.
Let me guess.
Is this your first toy?
it is her first toy.
That is such a special day
in a woman's life.
Oh, sweetheart.
| remember my first
like it was yesterday.
The Muscle Massager 5000.
Still a bestseller.
Mmm, that thing
was squirt-tastic.
But nothing compares
to this gem right here.
Three vibrating stimulators,
curved tip to help you
find that elusive G-spot.
Spoiler alert,
it's in the front.
There's a rabbit
for your itty-bitty clitty.
And if you pee a little bit,
don't worry, it's waterproof.
| mean, it is a beautiful time
to be alive, ladies.
Am | right?
Wait. Call off the dogs.
The search is off.
| found it.
These black lacy panties
are perfect.
They're discreet.
They're non-invasive.
| agree.
Those are perfect.
And I'm so excited
for the journey that
you're about to embark on.
Godspeed, little bird.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
What? Relax.
That super-weird
but strangely helpful woman
just picked out
a vibrating undergarment
for me.
Shes not weird.
Shes a goddess.
And who cares?
You're never gonna
see her again.
Lets go.
Hey, honey.
Hey, Dad.
Big test. Gotta study.
You have a test already?
Must be some kind of
accelerated school.
Oh, my God.
Uh, | just moved in
next door and | wanted
to introduce myself.
I'm Ellen and...
Oh, come here, hon.
This is my son, Grant.
| made you a pie.
Come in.
Thank you.
Babe, I... | got...
| gotta get to class.
You don't have time
to knock one out?
Are you... Are you saying
you wanna have cybersex?
Because, uh, yeah,
that would...
That would...
That would be dope.
| bought something for us.
So | just thought
I'd make this for you
and your... Your wife.
No wife, sadly. Divorced.
It's just me and my daughter.
What a coincidence.
Me, too.
What do ya say
we dig into this
delicious pie?
Still hot.
Oh, come on. You gotta...
You gotta show me.
You gotta show me. Please?
Okay. Just a peek.
Oh, damn it!
Ugh! Uh, my Wi-Fi sucks.
Okay, all you need to know is
that they're tiny and lacy,
and they have
a remote control.
You control your panties
with that?
Oh, nice. Oh, you got...
Turn it on. Mmm-hmm.
- Oh, wow.
- Oh.
It's so good.
That is so good.
I'm so glad
that you like it.
Oh, I like it.
| like it a lot.
Oh, shit.
Oh, I've never
heard you cuss before.
| like it. Can you...
Can you cuss again?
Holy fuck.
So, Kevin,
how long have
you been divorced?
Long time.
Such a long time.
Okay. You know, this has
been great, but | have
a big test tomorrow.
| gotta go
study for it, so...
| bet Annie's studying
for the same test.
Okay. Whoa.
Oh, shit.
You go to
East Great Falls?
Actually we both do.
I'm the new principal.
No way.
You know what?
Annie loves a surprise.
We should go up
and say hi to her.
Holy fuck.
Oh, shit.
Oh, I'm gonna pop.
Hey, honey, you busy?
No! Hey!
- Just... Just chillin'.
- Well, great.
Because | want to
introduce you
to your new principal.
This is Miss Fisher.
I'm gonna pop!
Oh, I'm popping!
I'm popping!
Oh, I'm gonna pop.
It's been giving me trouble
all day.
Just noises
coming out of there.
You know, funny story.
Annie and | have
actually already met.
At the library.
Oh, yeah.
| was checking out Moby Dick
and she had a cute
little romance novel.
How is that
going for you?
It's so good.
Good to hear.
You know,
| wanna introduce you
to my son, Grant.
Isn't he handsome?
Nice to meet you.
I'm Grant.
Nice to meet you, too. Oh...
You guys hear that?
It's like a hum...
No, I'm not... | don't...
| don't hear anything.
Annie. You okay?
Oh, I'm...
You know what
| think would be good?
| think it would be great
if we went downstairs
and got Annie
a hot piece of pie.
Oh, God, yes!
Great. You know,
sometimes a girl just needs
something simple.
Am | right, honey?
Here, why don't you
give me a tour?
Let's start with your bedroom.
It's very high tech.
Nice to meet you, Annie.
This year's
Homecoming theme
is so exciting.
So come as you dream,
because we are having
a Pajama Party...
MORP! Whoop whoop!
That's "prom"
spelled backwards.
Uh, instead of
tuxedos and gowns,
put on your PJ's and onesies!
That's crazy!
Now, | have the super
important responsibility
of introducing our new leader,
Principal Ellen Fisher.
Aw, thanks, Emmett.
| bet you're pretty surprised
to see me here
in this position.
Well, guess what?
Holy shit.
I'm surprised, too.
It is her. You're right.
| told you.
You said I'd never
see her again.
But | did.
An hour later,
in my bedroom
when | was using
a recently-purchased item.
Ew, God.
Private conversation.
A strong accomplished woman
who's very comfortable
with her sexuality?
She's, like,
the perfect role model.
It seems that
Principal Shankman retired,
rather abruptly.
But | know
we all wish him
very, very well.
So you guys,
have a great day.
Go, Trademakers!
Uh, trailblazers.
Trailblazers. | know.
Go, Trailblazers!
Hey, you.
Hi. Kayla, right?
| got your favorite.
Wow! Thank you. Mmm.
It really does
taste like fall.
Oh, it so does.
You're so funny. Uh...
I'm just gonna
head to class.
Thank you, again,
very much.
Hey. Who's that guy?
Who is, uh... Oh!
That guy. That's Grant.
My friend.
My special friend.
We just broke up
three days ago.
Tim, are you jealous?
That is so cute.
You know,
if you ever wanted me
to drop by...
We're not getting
back together.
Back together?
Who wants that?
No, I'm just talking
about a little ex sex.
Ex sex?
How many times
did we sneak off
during lunch
and go do it
at your place?
What's a few more?
Oh, | mean
if you don't want to,
I, you know...
| think | have plans
with Grant anyway. So...
My place.
So, you guys
getting back together?
That's how
a bad bitch does it.
She was holding my spot.
Remember me?
Sure you do.
Yesterday, your room,
you were pleasuring yourself.
Gross, don't say it
like that.
Well, how should | say it?
Just don't say it.
Ever. To anyone.
Okay. | won't.
'Cause it's nobody's business.
Fries, please.
You know what, to tell you
the truth, though, | found
the whole thing kind of...
| don't know, endearing.
| have a boyfriend.
No, | know.
| didn't get to meet him,
but he sounded really nice.
Eggplant taco?
Yeah. Please. Thank you.
Look, just because you barged
into my room while | was
having a private moment
with the love of my life,
doesn't mean you know me.
I'm sorry.
The "I'm about to pop,
I'm popping" guy,
that's the love of your life?
| am in a mature,
committed relationship
and if | told Jason
the things you are saying...
Oh, you wouldn't be
too happy, pal.
Okay. Got it. Pal.
Look, | wish you and your
internet lover a lifetime
of happiness.
Enjoy your lunch.
Thank you.
You're good at
talking to boys.
How do you start?
I'm having trouble
with my opening.
Well, the damsel-in-distress
shit usually works
like a charm.
Well, | am not doing that.
Girl, it's amazing
how dumb men can get
when they think
we actually need them, so...
Emmett, what up, man?
Hello, sexy.
Okay, why is my wet dream
hugging Emmett?
You don't actually
like Grant, right?
| mean, he's not your type.
What could you two
possibly have in common?
animal magnetism, baby.
Um, | have to go to, uh...
| have a library...
| need to go to the...
| have a book.
| gotta... Bye.
I'll see you later.
See ya.
Text me.
Damsel in distress.
Damsel in distress.
Damsel in distress.
That way.
Oh, shit!
You, again.
You okay?
I'm just so fragile
and delicate.
Your neck is very muscly.
Thank you.
| think maybe
we should get you
some medical attention.
Mind if | join you?
What? Uh, no. Why?
Oh, come on.
We don't even talk anymore.
Not since fifth grade
when you told everyone
| wet my pants at recess.
But you did.
No, it was
a malfunctioning
water fountain.
Oh, right. Okay.
Look, I'm reading,
all right?
And | know
this isn't a practice
you're familiar with,
but it's a nonverbal cue
which says I'm enjoying
some solitary time,
so, maybe don't bother me.
Okay, well | kind of feel bad
about the whole
wetting-the-pants thing, now.
Yeah, you should.
Hey, the guy
you were talking to, Grant.
You guys friends?
Uh, we've only been
roommates at band camp
the last seven summers,
so, uh, yeah.
Yeah, we're friends.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Grant's in band? No shit.
Yeah. He's an incredibly
talented saxophone player.
Sax is the sexiest
wind instrument.
So it's not boring.
Okay. What are his hobbies?
What's he like?
Okay, you haven't
spoken to me
in like nine years,
so why don't you
go ask Grant
these questions?
Okay, look, Emmett,
I'm kinda turning over
a new leaf.
I'm looking to date
a different type,
someone nice.
And anyway, my charms of
seduction don't seem
to be working on him,
so | was thinking that,
| don't know,
you'd help me out.
You want me to help
trick my good friend Grant
into liking you?
Yeah, that's pretty much it.
Just so he can be
another notch
on your lipstick case?
Okay, news flash.
| don't have a lipstick case.
And neither does anyone
under the age of 80...
Look, dude, are you gonna
help me or what?
Well, | foresee a couple of problems.
Well, Grant,
he's got this whole
good taste thing.
Yeah, and then...
And then there's my integrity.
I'm reluctant to help trick
my friend into a romance
with a dementor.
What's that?
Dark creatures that
consume human happiness.
It's from Harry Potter.
Wow, you are
such a fucking nerd.
Look, I'll give you 20 bucks.
How dare you? You know,
this guy's a friend.
It's $100 minimum.
Better be worth it.
Hey, I think
we need a nurse.
Injured student.
Code Blue!
No, no, no. No Code Blue.
I'm fine. Really, I'm fine.
Grant, what happened?
Are you okay?
I've got this,
Principal Fisher.
Grant, put her in this chair,
all right? I'll get her
to the nurse.
Here we go. You're good.
No, no, no. I...
Hey, take good care of her.
Good work.
But, uh...
Oh, my God, your hair
smells so beautiful.
Seriously, it's fine.
You don't have to push me.
No, no, no, we're not taking
any chances here, all right?
Not with the Academic
Decathlon captain.
We need you this weekend
against Parkway High.
You watch
the Academic Decathlon?
Of course.
Are you the guy
that's always holding up
signs and cheering?
Yeah. Yeah, that's me.
Ollie, if you're nasty.
Okay, I'm gonna ignore
that last part.
Listen, Principal Fisher
and her son, are they close?
Yeah. Yeah.
Real modern family.
Single mom, only child.
And you're her student aide.
Do you need any help
in the office?
That was...
That was, um,
| like.
Yeah, something about
the, uh, impulsive nature
of our meeting
made me feel a little wild.
Didn't it?
Oh, yeah.
Casual hookups,
no strings, no emotions.
| am so good.
Whoo. I'm gonna head out.
Wait. You don't
have to go yet.
Oh, no. Super fun frolic.
Bang ya later. Maybe not.
Who knows?
Gotta go back to school.
Oh, so you just happened
to be in the library
during your free period?
Well, that's one way
to say hello.
Hi, Grant. I'm afraid
now is not a good time
to inappropriately
flirt with me,
not only because
| have a boyfriend,
but also because my fascist
French teacher also decided
he likes daily pop quizzes.
So I guess I'll be spending
my free periods
learning French.
Damn. You're really
feeling yourself, huh?
I'm just sitting here,
minding my business.
Oh, so you're not
gonna flirt with me?
| mean, I'm not, now.
Took all the fun out of it.
All right, wait.
| get it. Okay.
You have a boyfriend.
I'm sorry.
It's just fun seeing you
get all flustered
and worked up.
You know,
| actually speak French.
I'd be more than happy
to help you prep
for the quizzes.
Just friends. Study buddies.
All right, no funny business.
Truth is, I'm kind of lonely.
| mean, | don't know anyone
at this school.
You'd be doing me a favor,
You really speak French?
Oui, oui.
Just study buddies.
Of course.
A goddess on a mountain top
Was burning like
a silver flame
The summit of beauty and love
And Venus was her name
She's got it
Yeah, baby, she's got it
I'm your Venus
I'm your fire
At your desire
Well, I'm your Venus
I'm your fire
At your desire
Her weapons were
her crystal eyes
Making every man mad
Black as the dark night
she was
Got what no one else has
She's got it
Yeah, baby, she's got it
I'm your Venus
I'm your fire
At your desire
Well, I'm your Venus
I'm your fire
At your desire
Yeah, baby, she's got it
Yeah, baby, she's got it
She's got it
This whole walk home
I've been putting off asking
you to my mom's party.
You know, teachers,
old people, total rager.
And it's Saturday afternoon,
as if it's for a child,
SO, even better.
Uh, as fun as that sounds,...
See, that excitement level
was exactly why | put this off
until the end of our walk.
But lucky for me,
your dad's totally gonna
make you go, anyway.
Yeah, | think him
and my mom, like,
have something going on.
Ew. Anyways,
see you at the party.
Wait. What?
You're welcome.
| was all caught up
for a while
I've dug up
great stuff on Grant,
so just wait here,
and don't steal anything.
Too bad | was acting
like a child
I'd rather act like
the woman | am
What the shit is this?
Your grasp of
the English language
continues to astound.
Uh, wow. Well, uh,
| guess | don't redecorate
as much as | should.
Oh, hardy-fuckin'-har.
You have a picture of me.
| know you probably
didn't notice this, but
I'm in the picture as well.
God, we were like nine.
Dude, why do you
even have this?
| like it. Okay?
Look at these kids,
all right? They're friends.
No one's judging.
No one has
their feelings hurt.
So | keep this around.
You got a problem
with that?
Now if you're ready
to set your
psychological sex trap,
I've got a decade
of backstory.
| can't express how much
| don't wanna go inside.
Okay, you know what?
It's time that you understand
what you want
doesn't really matter.
Take me, for example.
| wake up every morning
and | drag myself
to a job that | hate.
Ah, life lesson. Neat.
The point is...
I'm gonna be fine
as long as you don't
cock-block me tonight.
Daddy! Gross. Yes.
Get in there
and be social.
Oh, yeah.
It's on like Donkey Kong.
See ya later.
Donkey what?
Party in the house!
Oh, yes.
Oh, what are you doing here?
- No way.
- What up, bitches?
Is this
a wake or what?
I'm super confused.
Why are you all here
right now?
Hey, Annie.
- Ladies.
- Hey.
Thank you for all coming
to my mom's lame party.
Wait. | didn't know
you guys all
knew Grant that well.
Yeah, | only bought him,
like, three pumpkin spice
lattes this week.
Well, he carried me to safety
when | broke my leg.
When did you...
Which one?
Break your... Yeah.
It's much better now.
Stephanie, what are you
doing here?
| came with Emmett.
That kid. Yeah.
So, he's Grant's best friend
and I'm friends with Emmett,
so it's kind of like
Grant and | are besties.
Is it?
Oh, and where's
your boyfriend, Kayla?
| told you, Stephanie,
we broke up.
You keep on saying
how nonstop the sex
has been, right?
- Yeah.
- It's been like dirty
and hungry,
you know what | mean?
Okay, uh,
let's have a little...
Can we have a little girls',
like, powwow, just outside?
No, I'm fine.
Okay, so apparently
you've all chosen Grant
for the pact?
Yeah, he's smart
and articulate.
Yeah, nice guy.
| mean, he hasn't
hit on me once.
Have we considered
if that's because
he's just not into you?
Screw you.
Rule number three,
I'm calling you
on your bullshit.
Making Tim jealous
is not your goal.
And as
your accountability partner,
I'm just reminding you,
neither is kissing up
to Grant's mom.
Rule number two,
we are best friends.
We should support each other.
We shouldn't let some boy
come between us.
| meant between you.
Right. 'Cause Emmett and |
have seen you having little
French lessons with Grant.
Uh-huh. We've been studying.
| have a boyfriend.
God, yes,
Annie, we get it.
Thank you!
Everything cool?
You know,
we should just table this.
It doesn't seem like
he's that into her.
Hmm. | thought
you didn't care.
I'm just making
an observation.
You two, guard the stairs.
I'm gonna do some recon.
What does that mean?
You know, check out his room,
scope it out,
smell his underwear.
| don't know.
That's kind of an invasion
of his privacy.
It I1s?
Oh, my God, his privacy!
Just guard the stairs, nerds.
Oh, boy.
You know,
| think I'm gonna do some
recon work of my own.
Okay. Bye.
So, | do have some goodies,
but not enough to go around.
Oh, I don't care
if anybody...
Hey, Annie's dad!
Principal Fisher.
| just wanted to tell you
that | am so excited
to have a strong female
role model to look up to.
| was thinking
maybe you and | could...
Aw! Oliver!
Uh, uh...
Hi. Principal Fisher doesn't
wanna talk to you anymore,
but | would love to.
Do you wanna hear my JFK?
Who are you?
Something's been
missing out of my life.
You know, like a void
that needs to be filled, even.
Oh, sorry.
Okay, look,
| sense some resistance
and | really don't know
what the problem is,
so if you could just, like,
clear that up for me,
that'd be great.
Uh, well, for one,
you hit me in the head
with a lacrosse ball, so...
Dude, it was an accident.
Was it?
Mmm... | mean,
| saw the Venmo.
You got paid 20 bucks
for knocking out
the new hot guy.
Well, have you
seen yourself?
| forgot something
in my room.
I'll be back.
All right.
Nice ass.
Yeah, thank you.
Oh, shit.
What the...
- Hey, you're, uh...
- You're missing the party.
Yeah, I'm, uh,
kinda hiding, actually.
That girl Stephanie
is sO extra
and kind of terrifying.
Uh, for your information,
guys are obsessed with her
and she also happens to be
a really great person.
So, um...
| didn't mean
anything by it.
She's really nice.
Just not my type.
You are.
I'm sorry.
| know
you have a boyfriend
and I'm not supposed to
say or feel anything,
and | don't wanna ruin
the only friendship | have.
Oh, hi.
Breaking news, bitches!
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Wow. It is like Donkey Kong.
I'm okay.
Okay, what the hell
was that?
Let me answer that question
with another question.
What the hell is this?
You said that you weren't
even interested in Grant.
First of all...
Second of all, delete that.
... 1 didn't do anything.
"I didn't do..."
You were practically
eating his face.
That's dramatic.
What'd it taste like?
Guys! | am sticky
and embarrassed
and | just got rejected
by a man for the first time
in my life.
Oh, boo-hoo!
Go cry me a river.
Let's just
call it a day.
Fine. | don't even care!
Hey, Annie.
Can we talk real quick?
Uh, nothing to talk about.
How about the girl
doing a photo shoot
in my lacrosse uniform
or | don't know,
how we kissed and you hit me?
We did not kiss.
You kissed me.
- Unannounced.
- Without permission.
Come on.
You gave me permission
with your face.
You gave me kiss face.
It was... It was like...
Oh, my face did not do that.
Yes, it did.
It did not.
That's exactly what it did.
I'm... I'm just gonna go home.
So it was good seeing you.
You live that way.
| live that way.
| knew that.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
You don't like Grant.
You love Jason.
Nope, nope, nope.
Uh, biology is this way.
I'm going to see Jason.
This waiting around
is making me crazy.
Wait. Are you cutting class?
You never cut class.
Some things are
more important.
He's only three hours away.
| can get there,
bang it out,
get my head straight,
be back before dinner.
Annie, are you
talking about...
I'm going to have sex
with the man that | love.
Yo, girl, go get you some!
No glove, no love!
I'm so excited for you.
Let me get this straight.
You went from
Tim's girlfriend
to his side piece.
And you're happy with that?
Isn't that kind of like
a demotion?
No, you don't get it.
It's casual.
Girl, I invented casual.
That's not
what you're doing.
What you're doing is
pretending it's casual
SO you can still
fuck the guy you like.
Oh, my God.
There ya go.
| do still like him.
Our casual,
no-strings-attached sex
is neither casual
nor without strings!
There are feelings!
Does Tim know that?
No. No, he does not,
but he will.
He's gonna know right now.
She okay?
Who knows?
Well, get this.
Annie just left school
to go see Jason.
No shit! Good for her.
You know what this means,
Annie wins.
She does.
After she does the deed,
she's fulfilled her goal.
Kayla is still obsessed
with Tim.
I'm absolutely nowhere.
And Grant seems to be
the only guy in school
who doesn't lust after you.
It's not over yet.
Oh, come on, Steph.
The MORP is in a week.
Champions are made
in the last quarter.
Game just got interesting.
Hey. Hey. Glad you came.
Um, | need to talk to you.
Why are we in the library?
Nobody ever comes back here.
Sexy, huh?
Oh, you hate it.
God, I'm sorry.
It was such a stupid idea.
Look, | respect you
and | just want you to know
that this is always
a safe space.
All right, pants off,
make it quick.
I'm sure that will
not be a problem. Oh!
Principal Fisher? Oh.
Sorry. | can come back.
No, that's okay.
Well, it's kind of
a weird situation.
See, | made this pact...
No, no, no.
| made this pact
with my friends
that | would try
and date somebody
who I'm really proud of
and who really gets me,
but | feel like in doing so,
I've kind of lost sight
of myself.
| mean, | thought that Grant
was the guy that | wanted
because he's smart
and he's cute
and he's socially conscious.
Great job on that,
by the way.
But | don't even know
who I've become.
Like, I'm pretending
to be weak and helpless
to manipulate a man?
What would
Ruth Bader Ginsburg say?
| mean, | don't need a man
to complete me.
I'm a strong, smart,
independent woman. Right?
Michelle, there is
nothing wrong with wanting
to be in a relationship.
Everybody deserves
a little romance.
But | do think you're
barking up the wrong tree.
| mean, if Grant were
the right guy for you,
you wouldn't have to be
anything but yourself.
It does, however,
make me think
of another young man,
a young man
who happened to
score 1,590 on his SAT,
a young man who volunteers
every single weekend.
You're describing
my ideal mate.
He is obsessed with
presidential history.
Are you shitting me,
Principal Fisher?
| shit you not, Michelle.
Watch your language.
His name is Oliver Hawthorn,
and you work with him
every single day,
and he clearly has
an obvious crush on you.
Now get out,
I'm very busy.
Right. Okay.
Thank you.
Oh, well, | mean,
what can you expect?
She's been through a lot.
So, um, | hear
you're into presidents.
Uh, just Kennedy.
"My fellow Americans,
ask not what your country
can do for you.
"Ask what you can do
for your country."
It's not
a very good impression,
but | mean,
I'm trying to perfect it.
| actually have to go.
Right now.
Oh, man.
Since we broke up,
the sex just keeps
getting better, right?
Hey, what's up? You okay?
What are the odds, uh,
this isn't just
meaningless sex to you?
What are the odds, um,
that you're actually
in love with me,
but you're just afraid
of your feelings
and, um, deep in your heart
you wanna stay with me?
That's what | thought.
| can't do
this casual thing.
Not with you.
| just want more.
| deserve more.
Bye, Tim.
Hey, Jason, it's me.
| can't really talk right now,
and | know you're in class
but | have a surprise
for you.
So, call me back
when you get this, okay?
| love you. Bye.
Don't let this slip away
Maybe this road
leads to Rome
But, baby, you make me
feel at home
Together we're unstoppable
It's undeniable
Let's go, go, go, go
Let's go all the way tonight
Take me all the way tonight
Baby, we can make this last
Nothing's gonna hold us back
Let's take it
all the way tonight
Leave it up to fate tonight
Thanks, buddy.
So let's go
all the way tonight
Up top, baby.
Hit me! One more.
Let's take it
all the way tonight
Leave it up to fate tonight
So let's go
all the way tonight
Let's go all the way
tonight, tonight
I'm gonna pop.
I'm gonna pop.
I'm gonna pop.
Oh, I'm poppin
) g!
Um, Annie.
Are you kidding me?
It's not what it looks like.
It's not?
Um, she's my math tutor.
Was she
tutoring you right now?
I'm sorry.
Oh, my God!
Just calm down.
Calm down?
You think telling me
to calm down is gonna
make me calm down?
Well, you're acting
a little hysterical.
Am1? Am |
a little bit hysterical?
That really hurt bad!
Wait here.
Annie. Annie.
Annie, honey.
Honey. Honey.
Sorry. Annie, um,
talk to you one second?
What do you wanna say?
| don't know.
Long distance relationships
are rough.
Oh, is that right?
Yeah, | mean,
there's so many
hot chicks here.
You're hot too, obviously.
Of course.
It's just, you know,
you're not college-hot.
Your brain is hot.
Jason, I'm breaking up
with you.
| only came here
because | felt guilty.
| Ike someone else.
He kissed me
and | liked it,
and it freaked me out.
So, | thought
if | came here,
if | saw you,
if we made love,
then my feelings for you
would come rushing back.
When | saw you with her,
after the anger,
you know what | felt?
| felt relief.
Some dude kissed you?
You're just really not
who | wanted you to be.
Wow, that was...
That was rough.
Nice towel, douchebag.
Annie, have you been crying?
Oh, honey.
Oh, I think | know
what this is.
Annie, don't worry.
Ellen's not trying to become
your new mommy.
Oh, my God.
Honey, that's not
why she's upset.
Clearly, she's mortified
cause she just walked in
on us about to have sex.
Yeah. Yeah. What she said.
Oh. No, this is...
This is just a casual thing.
| think the kids
call it F-buddies.
On that note, okay.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Can | l come in.
Annie, did, um...
Did what you see
downstairs upset you?
Oh, no,
it makes perfect sense.
Everyone's having sex but me.
I'm sorry.
| didn't mean to say it.
| broke up with Jason.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
I'm not.
Oh, babe.
You are the most
incredible person | know.
You're so smart,
you're so funny.
You are so beautiful.
| don't need
a pep talk, Dad.
That Jason
never deserved you.
And | never liked the guy,
so there!
Wait. Really?
No. He was a total brobag.
| love you, Dad.
| love you too, babe.
Grant. Hey-hey.
So, I'm having
a little gathering
at my place tonight
if you wanna come.
Cool. Have you
seen Annie, by chance?
Oh, well, she went to
go visit her boyfriend
at college yesterday.
Yeah, they're probably
still banging it out.
But back to my thing.
So, my favorite saxophone
player, Vladimir Ullich,
he's amazing...
Are... Are you being serious?
Vliadimir Ullich is, like,
my favorite musician
of all time.
Is it really?
What... What are the odds
of that happening?
Not high.
Well, you should
stop by then.
Its, like, a listening party.
Like, well play it all night.
| mean, I'm quirky, so...
You know what? Cool.
Oh, great.
Great. I'll see you there.
All right
Baby, she's drop dead gorgeous
Drop dead
Oh. My bad. I'll see you.
Okay. Bye.
Baby, she's drop dead gorgeous
Drop dead
| got eyes on Annie.
Quad, stat.
Well, well, well,
look who it is.
What's this?
Well, well, well, look...
| already did that.
- Damn it.
- Annie!
You disappear,
lose your virginity,
no call, no text?
Like, you ghosted us.
Sorry. I've just been dead.
Because of all the sex?
Girl, this is
a big-ass moment for you.
Okay, we'll talk tonight?
But you all are coming
to my party tonight, right?
Yeah, duh.
Okay. Great.
And since Annie has had
sweet Freeform TV sex,
I'll swoop in and seduce
the lovely Grant.
Yes! What's up!
Mama had sex!
She ain't a virgin!
We make the beat go
boom, boom, boom
Boom, boom, boom
| like the sound it makes
Boom, boom, boom
You do this kind of thing
every weekend?
Stifler's parties are
the bedrock on which
East Great Falls was built.
And tonight,
we're using the party gods
to seduce the new guy.
You need to sacrifice
a virgin or something?
No, don't worry,
you're safe.
Okay, so we thought of
everything, right?
Grant's favorite music,
snacks, drinks?
| mean, I'm even wearing
his favorite color.
You look beautiful.
He's a lucky guy.
| know.
Here you go.
What... What's this?
Wait, | pay you
and you buy me something?
That's fucking stupid.
The usual response is,
"Thank you."
It's a lipstick case.
On, uh...
On which to make notches.
It's a present,
a thoughtful one.
| also wrapped it.
Yeah, and you...
- And you wrapped it. Uh...
- Whoo!
Well, my girls are here
so | should... | should go.
Hey, hey. Uh...
Good luck with Grant.
Emmett, thank you.
For everything.
And my present.
| love it.
What up, bitches!
Welcome to
Bang-Grant Palooza!
Hi, boo-boo, how are you?
Hey, you know,
being a good winner
Is just as important
as being a good loser, Steph.
Oh, you're throwing shade?
Way to read a room.
Guys, when did this
turn into a competition?
This was never
supposed to be about us
competing for a boy.
Yeah, this was supposed
to make me feel better.
| don't feel better.
Now you're gonna smash Grant
when he really likes Annie.
Uh, yeah.
When | was in his room,
he told her he liked her
and then he kissed her.
Okay, well you made it
sound like it was
the other way around.
| can be
a little extra sometimes.
Yeah, no shit!
- Hey, Emmett!
- What's up, man?
| mean, he's cute,
but he's not worth this.
- I'm out, guys.
- Ladies, hey.
- Look who | found.
- Hey.
Oh. Uh...
What do you
think of Annie?
She's great.
| mean, she's cool,
smart, kind, funny.
Awkward, but in a really
entertaining way.
Is she here?
Oh. No, no, no,
but she will be. Right?
Uh, can you guys just,
like, talk for a sec?
| know. | know.
Oh, my God!
You are tightly wound. Wow.
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry.
| didn't mean to scare you.
That's okay. That's okay.
Your father and |
just worked up
a real appetite tonight,
so I'm having
a little ice cream.
You want some?
Yeah, you know what,
I'll have some ice cream.
She's not answering.
Well, go get her
and drag her ass here. Okay?
Come with me.
Ready for some sexy saxophone?
- She's back.
- Let's go.
Hey! | need to talk to you.
Tim, | cannot
do this right now.
We have to go get...
Kayla, please.
It's cool. I got this.
Good luck.
| thought there was
a party tonight.
Not in the mood.
Can | talk to you
about something?
Should | be afraid of
what you're about to say?
| can never tell.
| just let it fly.
Here's the thing.
I've noticed that
you've been upset
and my son
has also been upset.
And | wonder
if you're both upset
about the same thing.
What can |
help you with?
Call Annie.
Here's what | found
on the web for Fannie.
No, call Annie!
Calling Manny's Pizza.
No! Annie!
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Gonna feel that tomorrow.
Hello. Manny's Pizza.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God,
please be okay.
What are you doing
in front of my car?
I'm trying to stop you
from leaving.
| mean,
you're the only reason
| came.
Oh, my God,
that's actually really sweet.
Um, | have to go
get my friend now...
Do you mind if | come with?
| mean, you did just
run me over with your car.
Okay, cool.
Yeah, come on, come on.
Oh, shit.
| don't like the way
you left the other day.
Tough shit!
Okay, I've got feelings
and emotions.
I'm a little jealous
and a bit of a handful.
But if you can't take me
at my making-a-scene-
then you don't deserve me
at my fucking-you-
You're right.
Everything you said.
Truth is | don't want you
violating my trust.
But | do want you.
You're my lobster.
Holy shit.
That's right.
"You're my lobster!"
| didn't think
you were gonna say that.
Oh, yeah, Kayla!
High school is the worst.
It is. And you think
that it's never gonna end,
but it does.
And when it does,
time starts to move
a lot faster.
So when you know
what you want,
you should go after it.
'Cause you might
not get another chance.
Annie, get dressed.
Grant is looking...
Oh, Principal Fisher's here!
In a bathrobe.
Michelle, Oliver,
is everything okay?
Oh. Yeah,
| just didn't wanna
leave him in the car.
| have got a knee issue,
but it's not as important
as love.
Um, Annie,
Grant's at the party
and he's looking for you.
The whole pact is off.
We all know that he likes you.
He does?
Yeah, Annie, he does.
This is an incredible moment
and everything,
but Oliver is actually
much heavier than he looks.
I'm wiry but muscular.
It's a family trait.
Sorry, go wait in the car.
| guess I'll change
and be right out.
| am so excited
for you for tonight.
Now don't you be afraid
to go after Grant just
because of me and your father.
We're not gonna
make you guys
We both know
this thing has a shelf life.
Besides, he took
his last Viagra this morning.
I'm gonna go
pretend | didn't hear that,
and I'll be right out, so...
This is...
This is so good,
and this is...
Wow, but, um you know,
uh, we have to actually
deal with some party stuff.
Right? Yeah.
And so if you just wanna
stay there and just really
soak it all in.
Let's just go, okay?
Let's just...
- Okay.
- Stay?
Okay. We keep Grant occupied
with his old man music
until Annie gets here
and then boom,
big romantic moment.
Got it? Great.
Hey, wait, wait. | thought
you liked Grant, so...
| just kind of liked
the idea of him.
Look, Annie's my best friend,
and if she wants him,
she gets him.
So maybe
dating a nice guy
just isn't in the cards
for Stephanie Stifler.
Look, a queen bee
walking around
like she owns the place.
Ooh, burn.
Except | do own the place,
you fucking idiot.
Is this your stud
for the night, Stifler?
| didn't think
your standards
could fall any lower.
Well, | haven't slept
with you yet,
so | got that going for me.
Yeah, whatever
you wanna tell people.
are you telling people
we hooked up?
| never said
| don't kiss and tell.
Fuck you.
No, no.
Hey. You're being rude.
Emmett, don't...
No, no, no, it's okay.
You have five seconds to
apologize or | unleash hell.
Wow. He, uh, hit me
with his face.
What the hell?
Grant, can you
just watch him
for a sec? Thanks.
Hey, asshole!
| don't like bullies,
and | don't like
misogynistic douchebags
drinking my liquor
and disrespecting me
in my own house.
| don't like you, McCormick!
Yes, bitch!
But you know who | do like?
You kissed me.
You stood up for me.
| mean,
you were my wingman
even though you liked me
more than a wingman.
And you bought me a present.
| think | just won.
You Grant?
Do | know you?
Oh, no.
What is he doing here?
Yeah, man,
so there you have it.
Now you kind of
know the people
you're dealing with.
What the hell
are you doing?
Oh. Uh...
| just thought
your new boyfriend
should know the truth.
Annie, did you
and your friends
make a bet about me?
It wasn't a bet.
- It was a pact.
- Oh, bullshit.
Okay, all of
these little bitches
competed to see who could
have sex with you first.
Annie texted me
about it every night.
It's not what it sounds like
We made a pact to go after
what each of us were missing,
and without knowing it,
we all kind of decided
it was you.
And what was your thing,
your pact?
For my first time
to be with a man | love.
So that's why
you went to see him.
She's only talking to you
because she caught me
with another girl.
You're just
the fallback guy.
But, lucky for you,
I'm not into
high school drama,
SO you want her,
you can have her.
You know what?
Annie's not yours to give.
And you say one more
disparaging word about her,
this high school kid
is gonna kick your ass.
Just speaking my truth, bro.
If she liked you
as much as
you thought she did,
would she be
driving three hours
to have sex with me?
No. You're just
a piece of meat.
Whoa! Hello!
My uncle's an attorney.
He almost hit me.
Shut up.
No. Back.
Break it up.
| hope you guys
are really happy.
Look, Grant, we get
that you're pissed...
No, don't...
You paid Emmett to
get dirt on me.
Whoa. Uh...
You know, every person
| liked in this town
lied to me.
And the person
| liked the most
chose this guy.
Enjoy the party.
Please don't leave. Grant.
Why didn't
you just tell us
what happened with Jason?
| didn't know how to.
You guys were all
so interested in Grant.
| didn't wanna
mess it up for you.
Oh, my God.
You should've just told us.
Yeah, that's all
we would've needed, Annie.
| mean, you know,
this is my fault
for pushing the pact.
No, Steph.
The pact worked.
| mean, you found Emmett,
who's a nice guy.
- He is.
- Mmm-hmm.
And Kayla got Tim
to compromise.
Oh, my God.
You're right.
And, Michelle, are you as
attracted to Oliver's mind
as you are to his body?
Oh, he turns me on in ways
that | can't even describe.
See? It worked.
Yeah, for everyone
but you.
No, it worked
for me, too.
| went to Michigan State
with this image in my head,
and it all fell apart because
he was the wrong guy.
And that's big,
so I'm glad we did it.
| mean, even if, you know,
| don't end up with Grant,
I'm better than | was.
Aw, come here.
Little Virgin Annie.
With the unshuckable oyster.
Shut up.
- | want in.
- Unshuckable oyster.
Get in here, Stifler.
Yeah, come on.
Say what
Straight from the jump
Right on the tempo
Mix it all up
Say hey
No time to wait
Taking your move
to a different place
Say hey
Do what it takes
Make like Tay 'n' shake
Get up and go, go, go, go
Get up and go, go, go, go
Get up and go, go, go, go
Light the fuse.
Copy that.
Mama Bear, Papa Bear,
Operation Oyster is a go.
This guy.
Annie's dad's outside
with a limo.
What is that?
It's a onesie, you moron.
For the pajama party.
Why do you have it?
Honey, you know
that | love you
and I'm always gonna
tell you the truth, right?
| kKnow.
So the truth is
it's time for you to
stop moping because,
baby, you're a real downer.
Listen, happiness
doesn't just find us.
You gotta go
and you gotta grab it.
Take this.
Take this.
| love you.
What do I...
You'll figure it out.
Or not.
| don't know.
I've done everything
| can do.
Okay, this is your moment,
Grant, and you're blowing it.
But luckily, Annie has some
pretty awesome friends...
Thank you.
Oh, you're welcome.
...who are trying to save you
from this terrible mistake.
Plus, we think
you're pretty great, too.
And we sent you
a really cool onesie, so...
Okay, just shut up!
Game time, Grant.
If you really like Annie,
put on that onesie
and get in that fucking limo.
See you soon!
If you don't do It...
Hey, asshole!
Turn off the music!
This day feels like
nothing but the right vibe
This could be the good life
Doesn't get better than...
Hi, darling!
Are you okay?
Not really.
| just realized
you were right.
I've made sex
too big a thing.
| tried to turn it
into some...
It's for fairy tales.
No. No, honestly | think
you were right about
wanting it to be special.
Look, | never had
someone who gets me
and cares for me,
you know, and...
But Emmett
makes me feel like that
for the first time.
Stop. Stop it.
| mean, it's nice,
and | think tonight,
we might, you know...
Steph, that's great.
Great? Doubtful.
Special, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. I'm happy for you.
Thanks, babe.
Oh, shit.
Are you ready?
Uh, ready for what?
Oh, you just wait,
my darling.
You're scaring me. What is...
- Where are you...
- Just stay right there.
We're young and in love
And we're running
like the wind
We got it all
We're never alone
If we got each other
we can save the world
Explosions in the sky
| see colors fly
Old enough, old enough
Old enough to know that
we are young in love
Young in love
Young and in love
You and me, we can see
Time will stand still
If we stay young in love
Young in love
Young and in love
Yeah, we are young
and in love
Yeah, we are young
and in love
Yeah, we are young
and in love
You made it.
You have some
really great friends.
Seems like we both do.
Old enough, old enough
Old enough to know that
We are young in love
Young in love
Young and in love
You and me, we can see
Time will stand still
If we stay young in love
Young in love
| guess that's my cue.
Yeah, we are young
and in love
Yeah, we are young
and in love
Yeah, we are young
and in love
Yeah, we are young
and in love
Yeah, we are young
and in love
Yeah, we are young
and in love
Yeah, we are young
and in love
Yeah, we are young
and in love
Ladies and gentlemen,
Annie and Grant.
Well, she was an American girl
Raised on promises
She couldnt help
thinking that there
Was a little more to life
somewhere else
After all, it was
a great, big world
With lots of places to run to
Yeah, and if
she had to die trying
She had one little promise
she was gonna keep
Oh, yeah, all right
Take it easy, baby
Make it last all night
She was an American girl
Oh, yeah, all right
Take it easy, baby
Make it last all night
She was an American girl
What did you do?
Oh, God.
Okay, okay.
So, I... | guess they have
one more surprise for us.
What's happening right now?
Fallen too deep
Trying to swim
The current too steep
and it's pulling me in
| can breathe
Both hands around my heart
My heart
| can still feel the heat
on your skin
My lips are begging
to pull you in
| can breathe
Your hands around my heart
My heart
I'mma hold the door...
For you there is no cure...
What are we, like...
| made a pact,
so | gotta stick to it.
You want your first time
to be with me?
Yeah. And the next few,
| think.
This feels special to me.
Me, too, Annie.
Oliver, | wanna share
something with you,
something that I've never
shared with anyone else.
You want me to
use that on you?
On me?
And | want you
right here, right now.
On Principal Fisher's desk?
Yes, on her desk!
Get up there!
Okay. Okay.
And | know
you know what | want.
You mean, "A man may die,
nations may rise and fall,
"but an idea lives on!"
And we dared to go
A lover's bane
Forever will remain...
Amazing. Shit.
Wow. Shit!
Thanks. Learned that
at band camp.
Yeah, | don't need
to know that.
Kiss me now. Okay?
Wait, wait, wait, hold on.
| need to tell you something.
I've... I've never done it.
Me neither.
| mean I've never had it
with someone special,
you Know?
- You like this?
- Oh. Yeah.
- This is hot.
- Yeah.
A little unsanitary,
but, yeah.
| like it here.
| like you.
| love you.
You are my queen!
| am your queen!
Stars are falling
Are we falling, too?
Ahoo, dawn is coming
What's this coming to?
On a night like this
On a night like this...
There's something else.
Oh. Oh.
No, don't worry if...
Look, whatever's going down,
down there we'll make it work.
| promise.
Is your dad a giant?
Like, will it fit?
Here's to hoping.
Oh, you're my president.
You'll always be my president.
Stars are falling
Are we falling too?
On a night like this
On a night like this
Say you want this
on your permanent record.
| want this
on my permanent record.
Yeah, you do.
What's going on? Oh.
Hey, Janitor Steve.
We'll just be a minute.
Hi, Janitor Steve.
I'm gonna need a bigger mop.
Don't touch me!