America's Sweethearts (2001) Movie Script

America first fell in love with|Eddie Thomas and Gwen Harrison... the box-office smash|Autumn with Greg and Peg.
They had the most celebrated marriage|in Hollywood.
Who could forget|how they hit one out of the park... Requiem for an Outfielder?
You can't die, Mike. You can't.
Because I love you.
Justice never tasted so sweet... in The Bench.
I didn't do it. I'm innocent.|Why won't anyone believe me?
-I object, Your Honour!|-You're out of order!
No, you are out of order sir!
I object to the way|my client has been treated.
I object to the fact that I've let|my professional judgment...
...become clouded by my feelings|for my client.
I object to the way the room seems to spin|whenever she walks into it.
I object, Your Honour,|because I love this woman.
Their love opened our eyes... Sasha and the Optometrist.
Read from the top line, Sasha.
Dr. Martin!
Eddie Thomas and Gwen Harrison:
America's Sweethearts.
God, they were great. Made my job cake.
I did the press for all their movies, all nine.|Six did over $100 million.
They were on top of the world.
Then she blew it|by taking up with that Spaniard.
-Did you cut this yourself?|-No, Chad in marketing--
Always take credit.|That is survival rule number one.
Okay, I did it on my Mac.
Rule number two: Don't take credit|until someone actually says they like what you did.
It's not bad.
I hope this isn't too awkward for you.
-I'll never be able to fill your shoes.|-I know.
Kingman's in the screening room and he|wants you to look at something right now.
Please remind Mr. Kingman|that he fired me last week.
Then invite him, at his earliest|convenience, to kiss my undercarriage.
I think you'll wanna see this Lee.
-Hello, Dave.|-Lee.
-Thank you for coming.|-Why am I here?
I'm just confused. I mean, you did actually fire me|last week, so why am I here?
I brought you to see the new Weidmann film.
Eddie and Gwen's last movie.|You know their movies better than anybody
Have you seen it? All of it? How is it?
Could you roll that, please.
I want you to be the first to see|what only I have seen. As a friend.
Something wrong?
-Did the film break?|-No.
The film is fine.|I think it's fine, wherever it is.
I spent 86 million dollars...
...of the studio's money...
...on 20 seconds...
...of titles.
That's all he sent me. The titles!
And a note.
"Dave, we could also do these in blue."
-We had to make a Hal Weidmann picture!|-He's won three Oscars. He's a genius.
There's only been one genius|in this business: Seor Wences!
A little lipstick, some hair and his hand!|He had an career for 85 years!
Do you remember?
"S'all right! S'all right!"|Don't talk to me about genius.
-Remember the crazy guy in the woods?|-Ted Kaczynski.
-Who? The guy at Fox?|-The Unabomber.
The Unabomber.|Remember he lived in that little cabin?
Hal Weidmann bought that cabin|from the government...
...and had it moved onto his property.
That is where he edits his movies.
That is his little, twisted...
...sicko office.
It's him. On the phone.
I'm going to kill him!|That sick, son-of-a-bitch bastard.
Put him on the speaker.
Hi, Hal.
How are you, darling?
I've been thinking about you.|I wanted to send you a basket or something.
How's the movie?
-It's finding its way.|-Could it find its way to the studio?
We have a few little things to do with it,|like finish it.
It's finished, Dave.
Great. How is it?
My mother thinks|it's the best thing I've ever done.
-Can I speak with her, Hal?|-No, Dave.
-Can we send someone to pick it up?|-No, Dave.
You haven't said anything about the titles.
I love them. I have no notes.
When's the press junket?
Weekend of the 21st. Why?
'cos I want the press to be first to see it.
I'll bring it to the junket.|We'll all experience it together.
Hal, no. I'm the head of the studio.|I don't experience things with the press.
I'm hanging up now.
Wait! Give me that. Hello?
No, no.
...damn it!
He won't let us see it before the press!
-At the junket?|-Yes, at the junket!
-No, no.|-Lee.
You've got to do this junket.
You want me to set up a junket in 2 weeks,|and you're not sure if you have the film.
Don't make me beg.
-You already are.|-Lee, please.
Please, come on. Lee?
-Danny can handle it.|-No, Lee.
Danny cannot handle it.|It's his first junket.
I need the master. When working|with the press, you're a legend.
I prefer to remain a living legend.
If you won't do it for me,|do it for my father.
You worked together a long time.|You had a real bond.
Your father was a psychotic.
-You spoke at his funeral.|-I loved him. You, I can't stand.
Do this for me. Please.
The studio will go under.|I haven't had a hit in almost two years!
I have the last Eddie and Gwen movie ever made|and I can't get my hands on it!
Tell me what you want.|I'll tell you what I want.
I want only one thing.
If people think Eddie and Gwen|are back together, they'll see the movie.
-Make that happen.|-That'll be easy.
Just make it look like it could happen.
She has a restraining order against him,|and he flipped out.
He's living in some nut hut|in the mountains.
I don't care! I need Eddie and Gwen|back together again, smiling and happy!
-We can sell the shit out of it.|-And the Spaniard?
Unless I get a script called|I Schtupped Castro, I don't know.
So, what do you want?
I want the golf cart.
-No, it was a gift from Arnold.|-I'm kidding.
-I can have anything?|-Yeah. Within reason.
I want my job back.
-Don't do this to me--|-Have a great junket. Tell me how it went.
All right. Yes.
If you get Eddie and Gwen back together,|you can have your job back.
-Where are we booked?|-Four Seasons, Beverly Hills.
Cancel. We need to get these people|in the middle of nowhere.
Once they know there's no movie,|they can't escape.
We need a hotel like the one|in The Shining. Isolated.
The new Hyatt in Nevada?|It's in the desert, and it's just opening.
Book it. We have to keep|the press entertained and on the go.
The best junkets are when the press thinks|it's not about the movie, but them.
Program the shit out of them:|Cocktail parties, hayrides, circle jerks.
Keep them from remembering they|haven't seen the movie they're to review.
What about gifts?
The movie's about a cop|who travels through time, so I did a gun.
-You're giving press members a gun?|-It's not real.
We'll do a really nice bag.|Call the bag man.
Diamond earrings for the ladies,|money clips for the men.
Chocolate truffles, the best perfume.
I don't want this to be awkward for you...
...but I've got some work to do.
-How will you get Eddie and Gwen there?|-Don't worry. I know somebody.
I love you. I'd do anything for you.|You're just asking an awful lot.
A junket with Eddie|isn't high on Gwen's list of priorities.
No lilies. Take them out.
Yes. I understand.
Yes. Excuse me, hold on.|Could you please put that out?
-This is perfect for Gwen.|-I can't accept unsolicited material.
Just warning you it'll be a bit of a fight.|I'll do what I can.
God help us.
Commercial break. When we come back,|you know the scenario.
I've been here before Larry.
When the tape rolls,|look right at that camera.
Talk right to the caller.
-Right down the tube.|-Okay, five seconds.
Let's go to phone calls on Larry King Live.
White Plains, you're on the air|with Gwen Harrison.
Hi, Larry.
Gwen, hi. I used to be a big fan...
...but I'm sorry, I can't get over what|happened with you and Eddie. I'm so sick.
I can't sleep at night. How can you?
You sleep next to a very handsome|young Spanish gentleman, don't you?
Let's go to our next call.|Rock lsland, Illinois. Hello.
Hi Larry. Gwen, I saw your latest movie.
Thank you.
I couldn't sit through it.|I can't watch you without Eddie, it's not the same.
This has to be hard to hear. Your last|two movies, ones without Eddie...
...crashed and burned at the box office.
They were very big in Europe|and huge in Japan, actually.
It's got to be tough.|Two unsuccessful movies in a row.
Lots of intrigue, lots of whispers,|lots of talk.
What happens if this one tanks?
I hate Larry King.|Why did I do his stupid show?
-Just breathe.|-I don't want to breathe.
"Your last two movies|crashed and burned."
I wanted to choke him to death|with those stupid suspenders.
-Everyone hates me.|-No one hates you.
The lighting was great.|You looked great. Everybody said so.
-Who?|-You looked great.
Thanks. As if she really knows.
Have a sip of water.|It'll make you feel better.
Is this the one with the electrolytes?|I only like that water.
-Larry said you were amazing.|-Thank you.
I love Larry.
Let's love him down to the dressing room.
-Black or white?|-White.
And those glasses.|Who wears frames that big anymore?
He looks like a bug.
I just want this week to be over.
Why can't the world accept the fact|I don't want to be with Eddie anymore?
I just want to scream at people,|"Get a life!"
-I want this week to be over. Is it?|-Almost. Push.
I'm sorry.
I smell smoke. Is somebody smoking?
-I don't know.|-It's probably Larry.
-How many heart attacks has he had?|-Six? Maybe seven?
Can we just go?|I don't want to be here anymore.
-Those are beautiful.|-Okay.
I got a call from Lee today.
-Who's Lee?|-The studio's publicist. You remember.
-I do?|-Remember were you were doing Letterman?
You got upset when they bumped your|show off the air due to the Gulf War.
He was there.|He got you that English toffee.
I remember the English toffee. Great toffee.
We'll get you some when you meet|with him to talk about the junket.
-Oh, God. Do I have to?|-Meet with him? Yes, you have to.
It's not fair. All this pressure on me|and none whatsoever on Eddie.
He's probably having the time of his life.
This letter is a very important part|of the healing process.
Writing to your mother,|you have the opportunity to thank her...
...or forgive her or ask her why she did|the things she did.
Don't mail the letter.
The simple act of putting it on paper|frees you...
...allows you to let go.
Now, what did you say to your mother?
"Dear Mom:
"Fuck you."
Okay. We'll try the letter some other time.
Are you comfortable|speaking about Gwen?
-Do you think I should?|-There is no "should."
-Do you think I can?|-What is "can"?
All right.
There was this place in Chinatown.
Tiny little place.
We'd go there and they wouldn't bother us.
We'd order wonton soup and crumpled|duck and sit there for hours, talking.
She took him there.
She took him to our crumpled duck.
I followed them and I saw him|pouring the soup and smiling....
It was a total accident.
Next thing, she told the press I tried to kill|her. That's crazy. She loves to overreact.
We have a saying, Edward.
"Mecka lecka halava beem sala beem."
What is that? Bean salad?
What does that mean?
I don't know what it means. It's very old.
I feel like I'm making progress.|I feel more secure.
A lot more secure.|Do I seem more secure?
You look great. Whatever the doctors|are doing, it's working.
You got colour in your face. I'm in love.
They say two weeks here|changes your entire life.
-When are two weeks up?|-Six and a half months ago.
I feel I'm getting close to something.
I can see that.
Did you watch Larry King last night?
I was in the isolation tank. No TV in there.
The reason I bring it up is Gwen was on.
She took kind of a beating.
She did, did she?
You, young lady,|are nobody without Eddie!
Nobody likes you!
Never, never go anywhere without Eddie.|You're nothing.
You're nothing!
Get her out of here. Now! Nothing!
I'm so sorry, Larry.
I guess she got what she deserved.
Why are you doing here? This isn't you.
Kiss Gandhi goodbye|and get ready for the junket.
I won't go! I'm not ready.
The studio and the movie need you.
I don't care about the studio or the movie.|How is it? ls it good?
I've only seen a bit in the beginning.|It's fantastic.
Hold it up to your ear,|you'll scream "Oscar."
-I'm telling you.|-No, I'm not going.
Gwen will be there.
You want to see her?
-No. It's too soon.|-It's a year and a half.
Confront her. Get it over with.|She fell in love with another guy.
It happens.
Never to me, but if it did, I wouldn't|spend my life hiding like some pussy!
I'm not a pussy.|I'm in the middle of my treatment.
This is serious stuff.|My wellness guide won't let me just go.
-You can go.|-Are you sure?
Two nights ago you said I was the flower that fell into the|stream, but a branch is blocking my way.
Do you take that back?
You read too much into what I say.|Don't listen to my words, listen to your own heart.
-I'm the flower. I don't want to go.|-You're a funny man. We'll miss you here.
-Don't forget to be grateful.|-I'm grateful.
I'm grateful for the sun,|for the stars in the sky.
I'd be grateful if we could get going.
-Why don't you wait in the car?|-Okay.
I am the flower.
I'm the flower.
-He kills me with his humour.|-Does he?
Listen, chief, I want to thank you|for all your help.
-You'll get the car within 10 days.|-Convertible.
Convertible, leather interior, fully loaded.|You'll enjoy it.
He'll get through this okay, right?
Life is a cookie.
I'll take that as a "yes."
Okay. All right.
Come on, Eddie!
All right, buddy.
Ready to go? Here we go.
-Does Gwen know I'm going to the junket?|-It was her idea.
Absolutely. She's really excited.
Not in a million years.|If that demented pig is there, no way.
-Eddie was just temporarily insane.|-Don't stick up for him.
-Kiki, look at you.|-Hi, Lee.
-How are you?|-Good.
-You look fabulous.|-Thank you.
What did you do? ls it your hair?
It's my hair, and a little sun.
She lost 60 pounds.
And I lost a little weight.
I see that. You look terrific.
Sixty pounds.
-That's a Backstreet Boy.|-Right.
Are you here to talk to me?
Of course. I'm sorry. Eddie is not demented.
It was a one-time incident,|a forgive-and-forget thing.
He tried to kill me Lee.|Am I the only person who remembers that?
Attempted murder|doesn't get people's attention anymore?
He was just so in love with you|that he flipped out.
You know you have this powerful effect|on people.
That's true.|Are you sticking up for him again?
-Whose side am I on?|-Mine.
Your dog just swallowed|your window washer.
Your puppy, it's a raptor.
Time for Prozac. Excuse me.
-She's on Prozac?|-If only. The dog.
Oh, the dog. That's not a bad thing.
-Hey, baby.|-Hi, honey.
Here comes your sweaty big man.
-You're sweaty.|-Who is this?
Hi, I'm Lee Phillips,|press agent for Time Over Time.
-I'm not here to sweep her off her feet.|-No, no. You're too old.
Hector, honey.
Be good.
I'm sorry. He's Spanish.
No problem. I was Spanish once myself.
Oh, I need kisses.
Oh, honey.
Oh, there you go.
Oh, yes.
For why is he here now?
He wants me to go to the junket|for the movie.
We could do that. When is it?
Actually, we won't take up|any of your valuable time.
-I'm not invited to the junket?|-I'm sorry, it's the studio's decision.
What do I care what the studio thinks?|I don't give a shit.
I go where Gwen goes.|I'm with Gwen now. We're a couple.
We'll go to the junket together. Okay?
You're so beautiful.
I love you so much.
I want to marry you and make something|with both of our skins.
We're not going Hector. Eddie will be there.
We won't go to the junket because of him?
Listen to me. We're going to go...
...and I'll personally protect you... case that psychotic asshole bastard|tries to kill you again.
-We're not going.|-Don't argue with me. We're gonna go.
Everybody wants me to go to this stupid|junket, but nobody cares what I want!
-That's not true.|-Nobody cares!
Don't you know the stress I'm under?|Everybody hates me.
Everyone wants a piece of me.|My therapist's out of the country.
I wasn't nominated|for a Golden Globe this year!
Leave me alone.
Are you pleased with yourself?
I can't even enjoy my shower now,|Mr. Publicist piece of shit.
Gwen is totally nuts.
Cleared the room. Well done.
Talk to your sister. You're the only one|she'll pretend to listen to.
Where is she?
Nazi bastard.
I was just kidding.
You need to go to this junket.
-Why not?|-I'm afraid.
That I'll see Eddie|and he'll be this pathetic mess.
I'll feel guilty. I'm tired of feeling guilty,|I really am.
I know.
I'm always thinking about other people.
I know you are.
It's awful being the person|who cares about other people's feelings.
If they see Eddie down and depressed,|they'll pity him and blame me.
What you're really worried about is you.
Of course. Does everyone hate me, Kiki?
No one hates you.
Yes, they do.
I was in a store the other day.|You know that great store on Melrose?
There was a baby in a stroller|looking up at me and he was judging me.
The whole world is judging me|for what I did to Eddie.
Look, I'll admit...
...the Miss Adorable image|has been called into question recently.
That's one more reason to go to the junket.
Smile nice with Eddie for the weekend,|win back some audience goodwill.
-You think it would help?|-Yes I do.
I could give Eddie the divorce papers.|That's a plus.
Sure you're ready to do that?
I'm sure. Why are you|still questioning me about this?
Because it's Eddie.
He'd sing Yellow Submarine at the top|of his lungs just to make you laugh.
Eddie, who'd save the mango|in his fruit salad for you.
Exactly. Eddie.|You're just a romantic, Kiki.
You know nothing about married life.
You got me there.
I won't be able to get through this|on my own.
Can you help me?
I'll help you.
These are new pants.
Good dog. Get the paper.
Come on.
Come on. Please.
Come on.
-Help.|-Don't let me interrupt.
What happened?
I'm going to go pack her things|because we're going to a junket.
Really? Great! You're a great sister.
I'm a great assistant.
To the left.
These are herbal medications.
You probably read in People,|I was on Zoloft, but this is holistic.
-Sure got a lot of them.|-Just watch the road, please.
Bobby? He wants you to pull over.
This is Kishtonga root.
-Why are we stopping?|-I'm doing what I'm told.
So, how you doing?
-Fine. What have you heard?|-I got to hand it to you.
If my lady left me for another guy,|I'd have a gun down my throat.
I'd get drunk off my ass.
I'd lay on the tracks and wait for a train|to finish me off.
Could we please not talk about that?
You know something?
People say I look like you.
It's not that I look like you.|But it's like I project you.
Like I project the essence of you,|like a you-ness.
-Can you put that partition up?|-Yes, sir, Mr. Thomas.
How you doing, pal? How's it going?
Great. I was just getting a little pep talk|from my driver.
I'm orchestrating the hotel arrival.|Should you pull up first, or Gwen first?
-Where did you come from, man?|-Here. I'm riding with Gwen.
Gwen's back there?
Yes. So do you want|to arrive first or second?
-Second.|-Be right back.
He wants to go second.
-Let him go second.|-He can go second.
-Wait a minute. He should go first.|-Why?
I don't want to look like his opening act.|I want to go second.
She wants to go second.
Second it is.
-She wants to go second.|-Fine. Let her go second. I don't care.
Let her come behind me.|She'll see the knife she stuck in my back.
Thank you.
Second? We're all set.
-Great.|-Who cares?
-She doesn't care.|-Yes, I do. I'm going first.
I don't care! Why is this an issue?
-I'm just trying--|-I don't care! Let's just go to the hotel!
-You're second.|-I don't care!
-I don't care!|-All right.
-I don't care!|-You're going second.
You're going second.
-I don't care.|-Okay, thank you.
That was easy.
-I don't know why we have to go second.|-Just drive the car!
I'm grateful for the sun.|I'm grateful for the moon.
I'm grateful for the cool... night breeze.
This is certainly a happy night|for Eddie and Gwen fans.
A year ago, America's Sweethearts|went bust in dramatic fashion.
Here they come now. Hi, Gwen.|You look wonderful tonight.
Can I get a shot?
That's it.
Who's a better lover?
Okay, right this way.
Okay, Eddie, here we go.
-Eddie, you look great.|-Thank you.
What's it like working with Gwen?
I can't remember.
Eddie that was so good. That had to feel good.
It was good we went second. Everybody|loved you. Didn't that feel good?
-What is all this stuff?|-Serenity tea from the Wellness Centre.
I don't know what's in it,|but it gets me really calm, really focused.
I can't do this.
I told you this was a mistake.
She's very close, isn't she?|She's in the next room. I can feel her.
No, she's in a cottage|on the back of the property.
I sensed that. She's real close.
She's not. The cottages are way back|on the property.
It's just so shocking.|You're with somebody and... think you'll spend the rest|of your life with that person....
She gets a cottage, I get a shitty little suite?
-She has an entourage.|-And me?
You have an entourage?
I'm a paranoid schizophrenic.|I'm my own entourage.
I'll move you.
No, it's not important. I'm grateful.|I'm grateful for this suite.
Greatful for the minibar.|The cottages are probably small anyway.
No, actually, they're...
-Small?|-It's ridiculous.
-Good.|-Should I get some room service?
I'll take some herbs, numb out,|have a shower and go to bed by myself.
-You've been fabulous today.|-What did I do?
Showed up. That's enough for me.|Get some rest, I don't want you puffy.
Oh, no.
-Hey, Steve.|-What?
A guy's whacking it|down near cottage number four.
Oh, that's....
That's disgusting.|I do not want to deal with this now.
Every time I get this shift,|there's always some sicko like this.
I can't catch a break around here.
Sir, I'm sure things are different in Los Angeles...
...but here in Nevada, masturbating in public|is a punishable offence.
-Excuse me. I've been in Las Vegas--|-I was not--
We saw you on our cameras Mr Thomas.
I was pulling out the pricker.
Come on, I'm putting out a fire here.
-I fell into a cactus.|-He fell into a cactus.
That's it. Come on. Unless you usually|arrest those who bump into succulents...
...l suggest we go our separate ways|and call it a night.
We still have to fill out a report. We can't--
Listen. I'm not supposed to do this, but....
I have some really beautiful bags|that are exclusive for the press.
Do you have girlfriends, wives?|We have earrings, real diamonds.
Beautiful, very tasty. Very delicate.
I saw the bags.
They're nice.
Very nice. The highest quality.
-I guess we don't have to file a report.|-I didn't do anything, you morons!
Diet pills. Usually he's like a pussycat.
-All right.|-All right?
Thank you, guys. All right.
Fellas, one other thing.
I need the tape from the security camera...
...just in case something gets out, all right?
Danny will go with you to get the tape.
Okay. Thank you, fellas.|Appreciate it a lot.
Rent-a-cops. You got me on the edge.|I could go either way!
What were you doing there?
I just wanted to look at her again.
I saw her standing by the pool|and she looked so fantastic.
I just miss her.
Oh, no. Don't give me that look.|I know that look. That look means trouble.
Listen. Calm down. Let's go to your room,|put you to bed and stay out of trouble.
-I wasn't getting in trouble!|-No, no, no.
-Just whacking off on a cactus.|-I wasn't doing that!
It looks as if Eddie Thomas|may have to change...
...his middle name to "Peeping"|after an incident tonight at the Hyatt Resort.
This tape from hotel security cameras|clearly shows Thomas... the words of one hotel security|guard, "doing himself a big favour"...
...outside the cottage|where the actor's estranged wife is staying.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
Thomas and company are in town...
...for a press junket|for the new Eddie and Gwen movie.
Sources tell us this latest incident|comes as no surprise...
...given Thomas' delicate mental state|since he split with his wife and co-star.
Any idea what this movie's about?
No. But by the looks of it...
...we're looking at a remake|of Cool Hand Luke.
It was on the news, Lee! He was outside|my cottage doing something not good!
But, Gwen, everybody does it.
I know everyone does it.|That's not the point.
What is going on?
Is he trying to kill me again?
Given the weapon he had in his hand,|I doubt it.
We are luck we're al a Hyatt|People don't kill people at a Hyatt.
Other chains, yes, but the Hyatt, no.
Get some rest.
Somebody has to be beautiful tomorrow.|And I think that somebody is you.
I know.
I have to go.
Good night.
Eddie, I am so pissed off! I have the tape!|They must have had a copy!
Bastards. You know,|everybody's got a price, kid.
Hold on. Just a second.|It's room service. Hold on.
Eddie, hi. No, it's just....|Hold on one second.
Put it over there. That is beluga, right?|Yeah, thanks.
Eddie, we're fine. No, it's all local.|Nothing national.
Plus, they'll issue a retraction tomorrow.
You're fine. Really, there's no damage.
I'm telling you it's just a little blip.
It's what you said. It's in the past.
The beach grass grows towards the sun|in this universe you're grateful for.
You know? Get some rest.
Someone has to look handsome tomorrow,|and I think that someone is you. Okay, Mr. Big Time?
See you in the morning.
-You like Eddie, don't you?|-I love him.
-You leaked the tape.|-Survival rule number three, kid:
You're not here to love anybody.|You're here to promote a movie.
That's it. Period.
You get word your mother died.|Hit by a bus or something.
You go downstairs,|you shed a tear and you say:
"lt's a shame.|She would've loved this movie."
I have to talk to Eddie.|I'm worried about him.
-You do that.|-You go get him for me.
-Me?|-Yes, I have to talk to him tonight.
Otherwise I'll be up all night and I'll look terrible|in the morning. Really puffy.
I don't think....
-I can't.|-Why not?
Because I'm sleeping.|And because I just....
I feel funny getting in the middle of things|with the two of you.
Can't you handle this yourself?
What are you talking about?|I don't handle anything myself.
-Why are you being so difficult?|-I'm not.
I'm only asking for a teensy-weensy favour.|That's all.
Please, Kiki. Please.
Please, please, please, please, Kiki-Kiki-Ki.
Please, Kiki-Ki.
Your pillow's better than mine.
Take it.
How are you?
My marriage is shit and I make|crappy movies. Otherwise, I'm great.
Eddie, I'm sorry.
-Why is she doing this?|-I don't know.
-I like your movies.|-They're shit, come on.
What's going on? Did she say anything?
-What happened?|-I'm shocked. I really am shocked.
-I didn't know anything.|-I know I'm not perfect...
...but I thought we had something.
She wants me to move out.
I know.
He'll sit in my chair,|watch my flat-screen TV...
...walk my dog, sleep in my bed with my....
-It's okay.|-I don't know what happened.
Well, it's not you.
You're a great guy,|and if she can't see that, she's blind.
-You are wonderful.|-I don't feel wonderful.
It'll be okay.
I don't think so.
But thanks for saying that.
Thanks for coming. You're really sweet.
No, you are.
No, you are. You're a good friend.
You're a rock.
-Come here.|-Nice to see you.
You, too.
-You look good.|-Misery agrees with me.
-You look good, too.|-Thank you.
You've been getting healthy.|You been lifting a little weights?
Not lifting weights|so much as losing weight.
-You always looked good to me.|-Thanks.
-You want something to drink?|-I'm fine.
Sit down.
It's been too long.|The last time I saw you--
That night. I feel terrible about that.
That was the low point.|I'd found out about Hector and Gwen.
You came to help me out,|I took advantage of the situation.
Talk about bottoming out. I was drunk.|I think I kissed you.
Did I?
I don't remember.
If I did will you forgive me?
-Sure. Yeah.|-Thanks Kik.
Are you okay?
A couple of hours ago, I'd have said no,|but something happened tonight that was really incredible.
I was out walking by the cottages, and|it was like Gwen was drawing me to her.
I just look over this wall.
There she was, she was standing by the pool,|all dressed in white... an angel in the desert.|I thought to myself:
"That's why you're here.|You're supposed to win her back."
No way she'll stay with Hector.
That's the woman I'm supposed to spend|the rest of my life with.
Really? The woman by the pool?
-That's why I'm here.|-What do you mean?
-Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm are rocking out.|-What are you talking about?
Kiki and Eddie are coming down.
-Why did you say that?|-It's code. It's fun.
I wonder what she wants.
I don't know what she wants.|It'd be good to find out.
I know what I want.
Siegfried and Roy left the building,|heading for the pool.
-Siegfried and Roy are here?|-Not the real Siegfried--
You wanted to play this game, schmuck.
Heads, she never sees me again.|Tails, we get back together.
-You need to flip a coin for that?|-Correct.
Here we go. One, two, three.
-Possum.|-A possible possum.
Wait, not here.
Felix, this is Oscar. The monkey is|in day-care. Repeat, monkey is in day-care.
Your mystery date awaits.
Wish me luck.
Oh, Eddie. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I know you'll never forgive me,|but please, please take me back.
That a gun in your pocket|or are you just happy to see me?
Actually, it's a gun.
-Hello, Eddie.|-Hi, Gwen.
-I've been so worried about you.|-Have you been?
That's how it goes when your wife|shacks up with somebody else.
I've got a lot of anger to deal with.
I understand. Get that out.|Just shake it out. Throw it away.
That's great advice. Thank you.
I know I have no right to ask you this--
-Ask me what?|-When we did the movie...
...did you fool around with anybody?
You're right. You've got no right to ask me that.|And no, for your information I wasn't fooling around.
-The girl who played your daughter?|-Are you out of your mind? What the hell is wrong with you, Gwen?
-You're very hostile.|-I can't imagine why.
This was a big mistake.
-No, it wasn't.|-Yes, it was. Tomorrow...
...let's be professional|and promote this movie...
...because we both need this one|to do well.
I know you do.
And if they ask about the break-up,|we just say that it was a difficult time...
...that we're working through it together.
-And we're still really close, okay?|-Fine.
I have to go.
I see you tomorrow.
You're not....
-Here. There you go.|-Thanks.
That's how junkets go.|It's a great opportunity. I can handle it.
Is this a scene from their new movie,|Time Over Time?
No. That's Gwen Harrison and Eddie|Thomas dancing in the moonlight for real.
-Hard to believe....|-What the hell is going on? a passionate embrace.
Goddamn it!
My life is so stressful.
People have no idea|what it's like being me.
-Did we brush my teeth?|-Yes.
See? I can't even remember that.
Good morning, you two.|Come on, smile. Here we go. Smile.
Ladies and gentlemen, here they are,|Eddie and Gwen, together again!
There they are! America's Sweethearts!
What is this? Only five minutes?
Mention jerking-off and I'll pull your plug,|so to speak.
Five minutes is plenty of time|to talk about a movie I haven't seen.
Yeah, but it's fabulous.
Do you need anything?
-Doesn't she look great?|-Who?
Your sister. She looks incredible.
-Are you trying to make me jealous?|-Is it possible to do that at this point?
Then why care if I try?
Okay, who's happy? Ready to go?
Thanks. Always a pleasure. Here we go.
Byron, it's all yours.
Byron Allen, coming to you|from Entertainment
Strap yourself in,|I'm sitting with America's Sweethearts:
Eddie Thomas and Gwen Harrison.
And are you ready for this?|They're not trying to kill each other.
Are you back together?|You look very comfortable with each other.
I want to be honest with you.|Before I came down from the room...
...l took about half a pound of Vicodin.
I'll be comfortable till late March.
You're funny.|How do you live with him, Gwen?
She doesn't.
She lives with someone else.
It must've been exciting|working with Hal Weidmann.
Were you apprehensive when you started?
Oh, no. No, Hal's brilliant.
He's so easy to work with.
He loves actors.
Just loves actors.
You had a nervous breakdown recently,|didn't you?
Will audiences watch you again without|remembering your attack on Ms. Harrison?
That's five minutes.
Thank you, Dave.
It was so great meeting you guys.|I'm a huge fan.
Why does he get a neck rub?
-I want one.|-He's so tense.
Hello? I have a neck, too.|This thing holding up my head.
And we're back.
-Everybody ready?|-Of course.
Of course.
Hello again, Syracuse.|I'm Mort Josephson, your movie maven.
Ann Arbor, I'm Laura Messinger,|Channel Seven's cinemaniac.
-The popcorn's buttered.|-The lights are dimming.
-It's time to join Bob--|-And Ken.
At the Multiplex.
Eddie and I are great friends.|We talk every day.
Eddie and I are better friends|than we've ever been. We talk two...
...three times a day.
We're just cosmically,|like, spiritually bound.
Eddie's really good...
...and he's my pillar of strength.
It's like Sodom and Gomorrah.|I mean, so strong, you know?
And that's five minutes.
In spite of all the emotion|and the hurting...
...we leaned on each other for support.
That's when I realized how strong...
...our friendship really was.
-We were in constant contact.|-That's right.
I mean, not only are we great friends...
...and not only|are we in constant contact....
You should see some of the phone bills.
We've also done....
I don't know, how should I put this?|Hell, I'll just say it.
We've done a couple of three-ways.
This guy she's with now....
I can't say I'm happy about it.|She's my wife.
But after spending time|in the sack with him...
...l see the attraction.
I have to say, for a fairly big guy...
...he's not packing much|south of the border.
And that's five minutes.|Thank you so much.
Say hi to everybody in Salt Lake.|Good to see you.
-Hi, guys.|-Hi, guys.
-It wasn't very funny.|-It was a joke.
I do that after 400 interviews.
-Hector won't find it very funny.|-Guess what?
I don't give a shit what Hector thinks.
A picture with my baby?
Just smile and shut up.
You have given me 110 percent today.
-Who has? Me?|-You have.
It's been a great day.
-What do you want?|-It has. A small favour.
-45 minutes, an hour.|-No.
-I need you to have dinner with Gwen.|-No.
-It'll be great.|-It won't, because I won't do it.
-You must.|-I'm going to my room.
I'll go into the minibar,|spend time with myself.
We're in deep shit. We don't have the film.
Hal's holding the film hostage.|We have nothing! Understand?
But I do have you. You and Gwen.
When you two are together,|the press forgets there's no film.
It's roses blooming, flags flying,|butterscotch pudding.
-Are you on something?|-It's a panic high.
Just order an entre, chew a little bit,|smile and go.
They have a delightful pork tenderloin tonight.
8.00. Thank you so much!
-It was Gwen's idea.|-Really?
I can't believe you said|I'd have dinner with him.
I hear they serve|a very nice pork tenderloin.
I'm not going. Here.
I've been with him enough today|for the rest of my life.
I have to give him the divorce papers.
When will you do that?
Just before we leave.
What, will you toss them at him|as your limo pulls away?
Kiki, you don't understand. It's complicated.
I'm trying to be nice to him, so it'll be easier|when I give him the papers.
But if I'm nice, he thinks there's hope.
-Is that your foot?|-Sorry.
Pedicure. Hello?
-So when you're nice, he thinks--|-I can't talk about it right now.
It's so hard being someone|people just don't get over.
-Tell him I have a headache.|-I won't lie for you.
-You lie for me all the time.|-Not to him.
This is high school all over again.|Nothing's changed.
When you wanted to break up|with your boyfriends at high school, did you do it?
No, you made me do it.
-I did not.|-Oh, please.
Let's refresh your memory.|Robert Mancuta?
Kyle Hassler? Toby Franks?|Half the lacrosse team?
By the end of the year,|I was the most hated girl in school.
That's not true.
My quote in the yearbook was,|"Hey, we have to talk." I was despised.
Fine. Don't go.
Eddie will sit there like an idiot.|And it'll be all your fault.
-How are you?|-Lee.
-Where's the film?|-What?
The film's in its canister,|waiting to be shown, to go into history.
There is no film, is there?
What have I seen five times that gave me|the best feeling I've ever had in a theatre?
You'll have a great time. See you later.
We're doomed. We're dead.|We're doomed. Thank you.
Look at you. You clean up good.
What's going on?
Gwen isn't feeling well,|so she won't make it to dinner.
She isn't sick.
Not physically.
I just didn't want you to sit here,|wondering.
Thanks. Really.
Want to join me? Come on.|Haven't you read the papers?
I'm unstable. Don't let me alone with me.|Join me. We'll catch up.
-A few minutes.|-Yeah.
We have an understudy.
They never make it easy, do they?
The house phone, please.
Thank you.
Hello, darling.|Holly Golightly's cottage, please?
-Who's that?|-Gwen's code name.
From Breakfast at Tiffany's.
What's that?
It's a movie, a great movie.
-Hepburn?|-Right. Katharine.
Let me tell you something:
Don't tell anybody|you're in the movie business. Thank you.
Hello? Hey, Gwen, it's Lee.
I'm at the restaurant, and guess what?|You're not.
Are you okay?
Oh, that's too bad.
No, Eddie's fine. He's with Kiki.|She looks unbelievable.
It may be a little|Hello, Young Lovers for me.
I may have some fires to put out later.|But that's my problem.
Have a nice night.|Feel better. Okay. 'Bye.
Five minutes.
-You're amazing.|-Take notes, kid.
Larry Flange for Let's Go to the Movies.
I'm sitting here with the lovely|and talented Miss Kiki Harrison.
You play a lesbian fire-fighter|on an oil rig in the North Sea.
One word comes to mind: Typecasting.|Your thoughts. And then:
You really want my thoughts?
Okay, Larry...
...the truth is...
...after playing Madame Curie...
...and discovering radium...
...I just thought it would be a hoot... strap on those big rubber boots...
...kiss my favourite gal goodbye|and go fight some fire.
Very personal role for you.
-Very close to my heart.|-Nice.
-That's funny. You're funny.|-I am. Yeah.
Remember when we were in Carolina,|doing Silent Run? We rented that go-cart?
You attacked the director....
-I didn't. There was no attacking.|-You rammed him repeatedly.
Then you rammed me.
He cut me off. Ramming you was different.
And you rammed Gwen.
-She wasn't laughing, and we were.|-Furious.
-She wasn't too happy.|-No.
That memory kept popping in my head.
Those were good times.
I'm sorry I didn't call you.
She's your sister. I understand.
But you're my friend,|and I just let myself get kind of....
It's good to see you now.
It's good to see you now.
That's a nice necklace.
It's not really mine.
I know.
-It's Gwen's.|-I know.
She gave it to me.
And I gave it to her.
I know.
-It looks good on you, though.|-Thank you.
What are you thinking right now?
I'm thinking about something|I shouldn't be thinking about.
Me, too. What were you thinking about?
How much I really want to eat|that breadstick.
You want to eat this?
No, I don't eat bread.|I just dream about bread.
I've been going to a lot|of dream analysis since I...
-...cracked up.|-At the centre.
At the centre. And I believe...
...bread represents something forbidden|you want but can't have.
What do you think?
I think when I dream about bread...
...that would represent...
Pretty much.
What are you thinking about?
Gwen... here.
Sorry I'm late.
-Thought you weren't well.|-All better. Just like that.
Thanks. You can go.
-She doesn't have to go.|-No, it's fine.
-Stay. Have dinner with us.|-Good to see you.
-I need some mouthwash.|-Okay, right away.
I hear they have great pork tenderloin.|Yummy.
-She didn't have to go.|-Thank you, honey. You look great, too.
-Excuse me. Is Holly Golightly here?|-What is the name?
Holly Golightly.
-What the hell is he doing here?|-I'll get rid of him.
No. Get a camera.|Film, tape, anything. Go, go!
It's Gwen Harrison. The actress?
-Lee Phillips. We met the other day.|-Where is Gwen?
-I want to see my Gwen.|-I don't want to get involved.
You're all adults.|People in love, how to stop them?
What are you talking about?|Where's Gwen? I want to see her now.
I can't cover for them anymore.|They're in the restaurant. That's all I'll say.
They're right over there.|She's in the red dress, over there.
-That's all right.|-Hi, Gene.
Don't wave at him like that.
I promote my movies.
I know.
It's part of the biz.
I apologize.
-I'm sorry.|-Hector.
-I apologize for him, too.|-Hector's here.
What's going on?|For why are you sitting with him?
Get in there.|Would you get out of the way?
Good. Get that side. Let's go.
What are you doing here?
Protecting the woman I love.|What are you doing?
-I'll let you two catch up.|-Why don't you be quiet, okay?
-I'll get to you in a minute.|-Don't point.
Don't tell me what to do.
-Don't you trust me, Hector?|-I trust you implicitly.
It's this asshole I don't trust. I don't!
"Mecka lecka halava beem sala beem."
What? What did you say?
I hope he's not making fun of my accent.
Okay, enough!|You guys enjoy your little public display!
I'm leaving.
Okay, pussy boy's leaving.
What's the matter? You don't like that?
Maybe you want to take a swing at me?
Tall boy. Come on.
What are you....
-What is that?|-Let's go.
Please. Please, make my day.
You're a genius|beyond my wildest expectations.
The tracking is up.|Spielberg has moved off of our date.
This is good! Hit him!
-I won't fight you!|-Because you're a pussy boy.
Because I'm trying to find some peace.
You want peace? Okay, he wants peace.
-Pussy boy's leaving.|-Don't you do that.
Hector, don't.
Don't tell me, "Don't."
Maybe you want a piece of me, huh?
-You see?|-Okay?
Huh, pussy.
There shouldn't be a problem here.
After all... stole my wife and I tried to kill you.|We're pretty much even.
You crumpled duck!
Oh! Dear me!
Go away!
Punk! You hungry?
Eat this, punk! Eat it!
Are you hungry?
I love your work.
Eddie. You forgot something.
-Did you see him go down?|-Shut up.
-Don't tell me to shut up.|-Why did you do that?
I didn't have to do it. I wanted to.
-Just deal with it. In there.|-It was my pleasure.
Did you see that?
-Everybody back, please.|-Eddie, are you okay?
Eddie. Are you okay?
I can feel my nose in the back of my throat.|Is that bad?
Can you hear me?
-Let's all just step back.|-Some ice, please.
I swear to God, Gwen can be just horrible.
How can you love somebody and not like|them at the same time? Seems strange.
-You need to lie down.|-I thought I was lying down.
Why don't we try sitting down?
There we go.
Let me have a look.
-It doesn't look good.|-No?
What happened?
I just thought I needed|another humiliating photo op.
I tried to walk away,|but the guy just kept pushing.
So I hit him in the tray with my face.|I should've just walked away.
For some reason these days,|I always do the stupid thing.
This doesn't look good.
-What was that?|-Another stupid thing.
Stupid and maybe verging on crazy or....
It's fine....
There he is. The master!
I'll have whatever he's having.
I have to say,|you have completely outdone yourself.
In 24 hours,|you've given us a walk in the woods...
...a romantic dinner and a fistfight.
I can't wait to see what happens next.
Maybe I can get him to commit suicide.|Would you like that?
I don't know. Let me think about it.
It won't help the initial release,|but the video will rent like crazy.
We could do a box like a coffin.
Yeah. That's good. No, wait.
Imagine if he killed himself|at the premiere.
I'm joking. I'm thinking out loud|or whatever you call it.
Goodnight, Dave.
Goodnight, Lee.
Good work!
Good morning.
How do you feel?
I feel good. I mean...
...I feel weird, but I feel good.
-You?|-I feel something along those lines.
Good, weird. Weird, good.
Here's what I was thinking:|What about some breakfast?
We'll take it from there.
Why don't you order some breakfast.|I'll brush my teeth first.
-Can I use your toothbrush?|-Yeah, it's in there.
Can I get some juice?
Keek? Hello?
Where are you? Kiki!
Want some toast?
You buttered my toast.
No one's ever buttered my toast before.
I don't eat toast with butter.|I don't eat toast.
I'll stop talking now|and make an exception.
Some tea?
It's hot.
-Here. Okay.|-Thank you.
No, I'm fine. I look like half a raccoon.|What's going on?
Now's not a good time.
Can we do it later? No, don't come here.|I'll come there.
That was Gwen.
-She wants to talk.|-About what?
I don't know. She didn't say.|But I better...
...go over there.
Why didn't you say you'd see her later?
I did, but she said she'd come here,|and I thought:
"That's not a good idea." So I'd better|just go over there, given the situation.
Will you tell her about last night?
I don't know. I think I'll just let her talk.
-Know what I mean?|-Oh, yeah.
Sounds like it's important|so I'll just let her say it.
Then I'll go do these dumb interviews.
I'll come back|and we'll have lunch together.
Does that sound good?
You look terrible.
-Does it hurt?|-Only when I'm awake.
-He's not here by the way.|-Who?
-Hector.|-That doesn't matter.
Is Kiki here, though?
I doubt it.
I don't know where that girl is.
"That girl" is here.
Nice of you to join us.
Where have you been?
Got up early. Things to do.|Nothing important.
Would you make me|some scrambled eggs?
-She makes great scrambled eggs.|-I remember.
-Would you like some?|-No.
Two scrambled eggs. Make mine runny.
Order room service.|She doesn't have to cook.
It would be my pleasure.
What did you want to talk about?
I think you're doing pretty well, huh?
Are you feeling okay?
Yeah, I'm better. I'm shocking myself.
"l forgot how charming you were, Colonel."
"And you, Miss Julip.|You're a warm breeze on a cool afternoon."
What was that?
"What was that?"
-What was that movie called?|-I don't remember.
Kiki! What was that movie called?
I don't give a shit!
No, that wasn't it.
Anyway, you look like you're getting|to a good place.
Last night, when I saw you and Hector,|I was so conflicted.
"Conflicted" is the word du jour.
There's no question about that.
You know what? That's tired. She's tired.
-Are you seeing anybody?|-Excuse me?
Are you seeing anybody?
Let me think about it.
Um, not... know....
-Not technically, no.|-What?
He said "not technically"!
That's fascinating. "Not technically."
That's sad. Really, that's a shame.
Here are your eggs, my darling sister.|I hope they're runny enough.
And you, son of a bitch!|Here are your eggs!
There you go!
-What the hell is wrong with you Kiki?|-A lot, actually.
I can't believe it's taken me|this long to figure it out.
I'm going for a long walk now|just to simmer down.
Before I do,|I'd like to cut through the bullshit.
The reason he's "not technically"|seeing anyone... he's still "technically" hung up on you.
And you! You moron!
The reason she's here, besides trying|to salvage her precious career... to serve you with divorce papers.
I've done all I can do here.|I'm going for a walk because that's....
Leaving is just something|I've really perfected, so...
...once more with feeling.
She was much more fun when she was fat.
Is that true?
-What?|-About the papers.
Yes, but now I don't know what to do.
Seeing you again and being in front|of the press with you again. We have something, Eddie.
Maybe I've made|a horrible, horrible mistake.
Or maybe I should give you the papers.|I don't know.
You're the devil.
Kiki! Hold on. I wanna talk.
-Hold on a minute.|-Let go.
-I wanna talk to you.|-I don't!
-Why not?|-You're an idiot.
For that matter, I'm an idiot, too!
In that respect,|we're perfect for each other.
-This is a very complicated situation.|-Let me un-complicate it for you!
Forget about what happened between us.|It's not gonna work. All right?
Last night. Last night was great.
But she calls you this morning|and you can't wait to get to her!
What is that? It just won't work.
You'll probably always think of her...
...and I'll probably always be wondering|if you're thinking of her.
I just....
-I need you to know one thing.|-What?
That woman that you saw|by the pool the other night.
That woman you just have|to spend the rest of your life with.
That was me.
-Good morning.|-'Morning.
So here's the buffet.
What's going on?
Nothing. I'm great.
Just great.
Ma'am, can I get some more butter?
Word of advice:|When you hit Formica, stop.
You know the expression,|"falling off the wagon"? This is it.
But you got 20 or 30 pounds of food|to break your fall.
What the hell happened?
Bad morning. Preceded by 33 bad years.
Does this have to do with Gwen?
Of course not. I love my sister.|I love everything about her.
"Kiki. Kiki-kins.
"Who's smoking? I smell smoke.
"ls someone smoking|within a six-mile radius?
"Stop them, Kiki. Stop them."
Oh, ma'am, the butter?
Are they out of butter?|How can you run out?
I have one theory.
You know what? I need an assistant.
If I had one, she'd be outside right now,|milking a cow...
...and I'd never, ever run out of butter.
"Kiki, my butter has touched another food.|I need new butter."
"Anything you want, honey."|That's how it goes, right?
You're a publicist.|Anything they want, right?
She's got a green dress.
Looks like crap on her.
Brings out the circles under her eyes.|We both know it.
She gave it to me. It looks nice on me.
Then she said maybe she wanted it back.
She doesn't want it.|She doesn't want me to have it. That's the truth
So, you're in love with Eddie?
Wouldn't that be stupid?
I've done every one of their movies.
I've never seen him look at her|the way he looks at you.
If you're in love, just go for it.
The way you went for this breakfast.
Not the way you went for the breakfast.
I think I'm going to be sick. Can you just....
I'll take all of this to go.|I'll need 20, 30 bags and a forklift.
No laugh, no tip.
I really want to play a character|like the Terminator.
Because I think the Hispanic people|are crying out to see...
...a deadly, destructive killing machine|they can embrace as their own.
-That they can relate to.|-How are you? Nice to see you.
-How are you? Hal here yet?|-No.
He's a dead man. No, I'm serious.
I know a guy.|I'll make a call, and he's dead, because....
How are you? Nice to see you.|Hope you're having a good time.
-What time do you have?|-12:50.
We're doomed.
May I suggest that you follow my lead|and get completely shit-faced?
-Hi, how are you? You look gorgeous.|-Hi, Mr. K. Thank you.
How long must I stay with these people?|They're drunk and starting to touch.
Hang in there.|If Hal doesn't show with the film...
...they'll be busy finding|where to build the gallows.
What? I don't think that's funny.
Is that pussy boy?
-He's going to jump.|-He's not kinda jump.
I said I'd give him the divorce papers.
Shit, he's going to jump!
-Excuse me.|-Please, please.
-We got to do something.|-I'll get him.
Let's take advantage of this.|Get a helicopter. Get aerial shots.
-Shut up.|-All right, yeah. Okay.
Jump, jump.
Jump, pussy, jump.
I can't believe this.
He'll be a pussy pancake.
I'm coming!
Why is he doing this to me?
I'm sorry! Are you okay?
What are you doing?
-I was trying to stop you from jumping!|-By trying to kill me?
-Stay right there!|-Where am I gotta go?
Oh, shit. Hang in there, Eddie!
I'm coming!
-All right.|-You going to hose me down?
I'll throw it, and you catch it.
One, two...
Pull yourself up. I got you.
Come on.
Got it?
Oh, my God!
Pussy boy will go splat.
-Got it?|-Yeah.
That's it. One foot at a time.|There you go.
-Okay.|-I'm going to kill you.
Take a bow. It'll look better. Take a bow.
Jesus Christ.
The next time you try to kill yourself,|take a hair dryer into the tub.
-I wasn't trying to kill myself.|-What were you doing?
I came here to think. Is that a crime?|Get some perspective?
Do that in your room!
I blew it.
I lost her.
Guy goes to his rabbi.
He says, "Rabbi, I think my wife|is trying to poison me."
The rabbi says, "let me talk to her."
He comes back later, and says, "Listen.|I spoke to your wife for three hours.
"Take the poison."
Understand what I'm saying? You and Gwen are over.
I don't care about Gwen!|I'm talking about Kiki.
She's the only one worth spending|any time with in this hellhole.
No offence, you're a great guy.|You have some very nice qualities.
But for a review, you'd sell me|to China for medical experiments.
Don't let her get away.
-It's too late.|-No, it's not. Trust me. I'm--
-That's Hal!|-That's Hal?
That maniac's here with the film!|We're saved!
-We're beyond salvation.|-No, come on.
-You want to see the movie.|-I don't care about the movie.
This could put you back on top.
-You think? On top?|-Yes.
"May I have the envelope, please?"
Hal! It's Hal.
He's got the film. Go, go.
The director.
-He looks good.|-Yeah, he looks great.
Everybody? Let's get started.
I'm Lee Phillips.|Welcome to Time Over Time.
Thank you.
I'll go out on a ledge here and say....
I couldn't help myself.
Please welcome the man responsible|for this junket, Mr. Dave Kingman.
Thank you very much, Lee.
They say that good things|come to those who wait.
I waited 20 years to work|with the great Hal Weidmann.
I think Hal's cinematic influence|has been felt for--
That's good. Thank you. That's good.
Thank you.
My name is Hal Weidmann. Hello.
Ladies and gentlemen, this... the most honest movie|I have ever made.
I wasn't looking for it.|It came to me like a bus in the street.
Or the woman who changes the flowers|at our desert house.
I can't talk about this film|without weeping. Roll it, please.
Thank you, Hal.|Have a great time, everybody!
Sarah. My name is Ben. I must speak with you.
-Who are you?|-That's not important.
What's important now is your safety.|Listen to me Sarah, you're in grave danger.
I don't know how to say this,|so I'll just come out and say it:
-I'm from the future.|-Oh, my God!
-You look beautiful.|-Thank you.
Come with me now. Now, Sarah, please.
Love is a bridge built between two people.
We want what exists between them... be real.
My name is Hal Weidmann.
The film you're about to see is|Time Over Time, or is it?
The details are unimportant. Simply put...
...the script was shit. I tossed it.
-Instead I decided to let my camera capture real life.|-Just watch.
I filmed my actors|without their knowledge.
I let the camera run after takes.|I placed hidden cameras around the set.
And the end resultis a story...
...far more involving than anything|manufactured by actors and writers.
This is real life.
The juice.
The stink.
The glory.
Often, you see a film and think,|"Where did the money go?"
Shut up!
It's gonna be good.
I don't mean to pressure you,|but we're 15 days overschedule.
Oh, no.
What are we gonna do?
I'm in the middle of shooting.|This is a sensitive time. Do me a favour.
Go away. Please.|Never visit my set again.
Watch him take it...
...up the gazoo.
You're an idiot. I told you,|we never should've hired Hal Weidmann.
"You do
"something to me
"that simply mystifies me
"Tell me
"why should it be
"You have
"the power to hypnotise me
"Let me
"live 'neath your spell"
You're so good in this.
"...that voodoo
"that you do"
Hal! Hal!|Hal, can I get like three minutes?
-Gwen, can I talk to you?|-I'm working.
-What's going on with you and him?|-Nothing.
His hands are all over your ass.
My character would've done that|at that point!
-You look like a freaking prostitute!|-Oh, please. Cut it out.
-Don't make a fool of me.|-Cut it out.
I'm watching you every minute.|Do you hear me?
Cut it out.
Do you hear me?
I think Eddie knows.
Knows what?
About me and Hector.
-You said nothing's happening with him.|-Well, something happened.
Do you see that zit?
What the hell is this?
You think I know?
You bastard!
-You see it?|-I'll get something.
I slept with him.
-Are you in love with him?|-Oh, come on.
It's not always about love.|Sometimes you just need to get laid.
I tell you, he's hot.
Handsome. He can go for hours.
Just wish he had a bigger,|you know, thingy.
I love this movie.
What do you mean?
It's like a roll of quarters. It's like this.
Well, maybe like this.
I know too much.
I'm going to scream.
-I think it's very entertaining.|-Lee, get over here!
You stop this right now.|I mean I'm gonna sue the studio.
Lower your voice, darling.
-Cut the film.|-Shut up.
Excuse me. Was that deserved?
I think so. You've ruined me.|You've ruined my career.
Look at the screen.|Don't you realize what that is?
That's reinvention. That's birth.
That's life itself. Can't you smell the life?
Pretty soon you'll smell Ira Stern,|my attorney!
-Thank you, Hal.|-Wacko.
The film's new direction caught some of us|a little bit off-guard.
I am shocked. I'm outraged.
There are textures!
Can I just say something, please?
What was said about my penis|is completely false. Completely.
I'm extremely well-hung. I'll submit|to a physical inspection right now.
I knew this film would be misunderstood.
Kubrick was misunderstood. Godard.
I'll kick your ass! Understand that!
-Who are you?|-Who am I?
-I'm the ass-kicker of you!|-Can I defend my father's work?
No. Who's her father?
-Hal.|-No, you cannot!
Let me defend Hector.|I only slept with him once.
His penis is bigger than a roll of quarters.
-You slept with her?|-I did not.
-You slept with her?|-I swear to God! She's lying.
Except for the part about my penis.|That's true. It's bigger than coins.
There will be a law suit.|Legal issues, invasion of privacy.
-I agree.|-Damage to my career!
Yes, yes, I know.
Congratulations.|It's the most honest work I've done.
-I'll work with you again.|-I've a script we can throw out.
-You're wonderful.|-I'll send it to you.
I have an announcement.
I'd like to thank you all.|I'm so happy you're here...
...and all our friends in the press...
...who've been so supportive this last year.
I'm so happy to say:
Eddie and I are getting back together.
So thank you all so, so much.
-What is this bullshit now?|-Be quiet.
This is bullshit.
This morning, Eddie came over to the cottage.
We had breakfast and a heartfelt talk.|Didn't we, honey?
I've wanted to get back|together with Gwen...
...ever since we weren't together anymore.|I've been obsessed about it.
How sweet.
Now that it's happened, I have to say:
I'm amazed, and grateful.
And I agree with Hector that it's bullshit.
Thank you, thank you very much!
-We talked about this.|-We didn't.
-Yes, we did.|-No we didn't.
We did. Don't you love me?
I love the beautiful, bright,|sexy woman up on the screen.
-He loves me.|-The girl I made movies with.
That's not the real you, it's you pretending|to be real, which you're really good at.
In real life, I think I'm with the real you,|but I'm not.
I'd be with the real you here now...
...not the real you from the movies.|I don't want to be with you.
-Why not?|-I just explained it to you.
-You did?|-I don't want to talk about it.
-Not in front of these--|-Why not, Eddie?
You're right. What could I have to say|to you that I don't have to say... front of 300 members|of the international press?
I'll tell you why:|I'm in love with your sister.
-Is this some kind of joke?|-No.
Kiki, could you get over here?
-Why her?|-Oh, why not?
Is it so unbelievable, unfathomable|that a man could love me?
-Not now.|-I think now is the time.
You just wait for me!
Can I say something?
Okay, one nut at a time.
You're my sister. I love you.
And it's important to me that you know nothing happened|between me and Eddie until last night.
I somehow feel so much better|about you stealing my husband.
Ex! Ex-husband.|And I didn't steal anything.
You've been shacked up for the past year|with Ricky Ricardo.
I am just tired of making excuses.
I am done picking up dirty clothes.
I am done pretending...
...that your life is my whole life.
I'm just.... I'm done.
So what you're really worried about|is you, right?
Well, I guess you're fired.
You know all I care about|is your happiness.
That's sweet--
So, don't worry about me. I'll be fine.
-You're unbelievable.|-Shut up.
Next? What can I do for you?
I know I shouldn't have said that|in front of everybody, but....
For the last year, I've tried to find clarity.
All of a sudden I am so clear it's ridiculous.
I want to be with you.
When did you make this decision?
The moment I thought I'd lost you.
-Damn it.|-What?
That was good.
No, this is crazy.|Eddie, this isn't going to work.
Listen to me.
I'm grateful for you.
In all the world,|the thing I'm most grateful for... you.
If that's a line from one of your movies--
That one's mine.
What do we do now?
Traditionally, we kiss.
Give her some room. Thank you.|Step back, please.
I'm on pain medication...
...that makes me say things|I'd never say otherwise.
Just to set the record perfectly straight...
...Eddie and I never had|any plans to reconcile.
And Hector is very well-endowed.
Almost too well-endowed. You know?|I've had complaints. Literally.
-What are you doing?|-Packing.
-Let me help you with that.|-No, that's okay.
That's.... No, really, folding!
No arguments.|Let somebody help you for once.
There you are.
That was unbelievable.
That was just amazing|That was like a movie with a stage show.
If you all would tour with the film,|we'd make a fortune.
And your sister, Kiki, she's unbelievable.
This is really remarkable.
The entire country has voted her|off the island but, no! She's back!
I've never seen anything like it.
They like the movie. The press actually likes this crazy movie!|They call it The Blair Bitch Project!
But the best news is you two.|Do you want to have a drink or something?
-We're on our way out.|-Where you going?
We don't know.|Isn't that great?
Once in a while, good things happen.|All right, I'll see you.
There's a car waiting,|you won't have to deal with the press.
But I'll need you! We got a lot to do!
This one's going to work!
Can I explain why I didn't call?