Amigo Undead (2015) Movie Script

Oh, and that was some great spur
of the moment thinking, Norm.
Well it's... you only,
kind I know how to do.
Shit. Stay back.
I think he's gone.
Is he?
Yeah, his hand just stopped moving.
We got fooled by that before.
Yeah, but that was, like,
the whole body.
We just liquefy this fucker.
Or unless he could reform
or something like the T-1000.
I don't know.
I guess you're right.
You did it, brother.
Come on.
Let's get fuck out of here.
All right. So, what do you got for us?
How are you gonna get my money right?
Well, this bond fund
is really excellent.
You can consider it
your bank alternative.
It's super conservative,
very safe, no surprises.
I actually have a sizable chunk
of inheritance in this myself.
It's very safe, very consistent.
Hmm, I don't know.
It sounds kind of risky to me.
I said it's...
He's kidding.
That's good.
That's really funny.
We'll take a look at it.
I don't know if the two of you've
given much thought to your future
or eventual retirement
but we also do estate planning.
And I understand you too
recently got married, congratulations.
I don't know if you plan
on having any kids
but we also have life insurance plans,
God forbid anything happen to you.
We wouldn't want the kids to...
Well, it's just stuff to think about.
Why don't you take one of my cards?
I think you gave us the wrong card.
Oh, no, that's my name, Kevin Ostrowski.
I was adopted.
Oh, you're like one of those
adopted Asian babies all grown up.
Yes, I was an Asian baby.
That was a joke, right?
Adopted Asian baby.
That's good.
All right.
It was great meeting you.
Congratulations on the wedding.
Thank you.
And I hope to
speak to you again.
Why do you have to be such an asshole?
Good night, Suzanne.
Good night.
- Hey, Kevin.
- Hey.
Listen, bill and Patrick are in town.
So you and I should probably take
them out for drinks tonight.
Oh, I'm sorry, Jason.
I actually have plans.
Right. Of course,
you have plans every night, right?
Well, I would have known
beforehand, then...
They're only in town one week.
Oh, well, when are they leaving?
Because maybe we could get together
next week on Friday before they leave.
What are you doing tonight
that's so important?
Well, it's not important.
I... it's just I've had a long week
and there's just this book
that I wanted to start.
A book?
I know it's weird.
Just trust me.
It'll be better next week.
I'll be mentally prepared,
we'll have fun.
Okay, okay.
Whatever, Kevin.
Okay. Just have a good weekend.
All right.
You too, Jason.
Okay. Oh, hey.
You enjoy that book.
Darn it.
Oh, man.
What the fuck?
Oh, what the fuck?
- Shit.
- I am so sorry.
I was distracted.
I take full responsibility.
That you take full responsibility, huh?
What the fuck, man?
Look at that.
I can't see anything.
Yeah, well, if you smudged
away the dirt,
there's some scrapes
there for sure, man.
It doesn't look so bad.
I'm happy to take care of this
without going through the insurance.
Here, let me give you a card.
What, you're trying to
scam me with a fake card?
It's my name, I was adopted.
You can check with the office.
What do you work for
a bank or something?
It's an investment firm.
I'm a financial advisor.
You make a lot of money, huh?
Maybe, no.
I don't know, man.
How... it was quiet a blow
and there could be
some major damage here,
you know, internally.
And then me, ooh,
I'm feeling fine but, ow, maybe not.
Whoa. Whoa, did you hear that?
It's like a crunching sound.
Finn, let's go.
Hey, shut the fuck up.
You get back in the goddamn fucking car.
Doing fucking business here.
These fucking bitches.
These bitches.
What'd you call my fucking girlfriend?
Did you just call my girlfriend a bitch?
I was just quoting you, I'm sorry.
Oh, now you're a newspaper boy.
I thought you're a financial advisor.
Have a good day.
- Hello?
- Hey, shithead. It's Norm.
Norm, you blocked your number?
Oh, is it blocked?
That's strange.
I had no idea.
I wasn't trying to, you know,
trick you or anything.
Well, did you know you made me get
into an accident earlier today?
I made you get into an accident?
How is that even possible?
Yeah, whatever.
So, is this like a good time?
I mean, am I interrupting something?
Yeah. Actually, it is a bad time.
I'm in the middle of lot of work,
so I can't really talk right now.
Oh, my God.
Are you looking at porn?
What? No.
Then why are you acting on weird?
I... I'm acting weird because
I don't wanna talk to you.
Okay, Norm?
I'm not watching porn.
Jeez, okay.
Blow me, calm down, bro.
I'll keep it brief.
I know it's been a long time
since we've talked but...
I have diabetes.
So, is that bad?
Well, normally not,
but there's been some complications.
Okay. So, what do you mean?
What are you trying to tell me?
I don't know.
I don't know exactly.
Sometimes people in my
situation get better.
And sometimes they get a lot worse.
Well, I'm sorry, man.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Well, I'm okay for now.
Actually, the reason I called was,
it's my 40th birthday this weekend.
I just bought a place
and me and the guys,
we're gonna go hang out,
and I'd really love
to see my baby brother,
will you come?
Think of it as a dying man's wish.
Jesus, Norm.
Yeah, I'll be there.
We're gonna reconcile
and it's gonna be so great.
I'll e-mail you the directions,
are you still
Yeah, Norm, that's my e-mail.
Hey, can you hold on a second?
Hey, did you hear that?
Yeah, I did, that was really fun,
thank you for that.
Later shithead.
Where the hell is this place, Norm?
Hello, there.
Thank you.
You know, I've been driving around
for an hour looking for a sign,
is this jackrabbit hills?
Do you know where canyon road is?
I put it in my GPS before
I left and nothing came up.
It's two Miles up.
Thank you so much.
Are you guys Indian or native American?
It's very cool.
I studied you guys in elementary school,
it's a fascinating culture.
If I didn't pack a little heat.
I'd be a dead man by now,
that's my reality.
It's supposed to work,
it's better to be safe
than sorry.
Why is that funny?
I was just thinking of
that board game "sorry."
You remember that?
That game is so weird.
Is Norm here?
Who wants to know?
I'm his brother, Kevin.
He told me to come out here
for his birthday party.
You're Norm's brother?
Well then,
welcome, friend.
How are you doing?
My name's Wayne Simmons,
I'm Norm's pal.
And that there is Ian.
I never caught your last name, friend.
Well, that's it.
Hey, come on in, come on in.
Check this place out.
So, is anyone else coming or is this it?
This is our Valiant crew here
except for the big guy himself.
Excuse me, can you hold this?
No... what the hell?
You almost blew my hand off.
No, that only happens to little kids
because they have soft, weak hands.
That doesn't even make sense.
All right. I'm sorry,
it was a bad idea, okay?
New Norm. I'm sorry,
can you find it in your
heart to forgive me?
Yeah, whatever.
Yeah. I'm glad you're here,
bring it in, little bro.
What the hell is this?
Housewarming gifts.
Where is your new place?
You're looking at it, man.
Wait, this isn't a place.
Yeah, it is.
The sovereign nation of Normania.
I got a great deal on it too,
the guy who sold it to me
just wanted to get rid of it,
and he left all his
awesome shit here too.
When you say you bought a new place,
it usually means like
a house or an apartment.
Really? Oh.
I seem to have misplaced my dictionary,
but I'm pretty sure a place
is just any space in general.
So, we're camping out essentially,
wish you would have told me,
I would have prepared.
Well, here's my little Asian brother,
always worried about
details and preparation.
It's gonna be a great weekend.
Ah, see what were you worried about,
you had a change in clothes.
Well, when Norm is your brother,
you learn to prepare for anything.
Yo, Wayne, beer me.
- Fuckin' here, man.
- Thanks, bro.
Are you sure you should be
drinking that?
What... with your...
Ah, no, no, no.
Kevin, let me talk to you in private.
Look, man, I'd rather not talk about
the whole diabetes thing
in front of the guys.
I just wanna keep things
relaxed and fun.
And as far as drinking and stuff goes,
look, I know it's not the best thing
but I kind of need to enjoy myself,
it's been a rough couple of months.
Right. Sorry.
So if you don't mind going and talking
to the guys while I...
Shoot up?
Shoot up? No you fucking idiot, Insulin.
Oh, yeah, right.
Do that.
Yeah, I will.
So, how long have you guys known Norm?
I work at Bob's liquor,
I sell Norm booze
and anything else he wants.
If you know what I mean.
Like drugs.
I got it. I got it.
Maybe you should stop,
Norm doesn't need that stuff right now.
I'm Norm's mailman. We've been
hanging out for about a year now,
you know, going hunting, fishing,
whatever gets us out of the house.
You know, I've got a real cunt of a wife
and two kids that are pain in the ass.
How about you?
How do you know Norm?
I'm his brother.
But you're Asian.
Yeah. I'm adopted,
we covered that already.
Oh, I remember.
Hey, what was that like growing up?
I mean, did you feel...
Did you feel less loved?
I mean, because I'm just
trying to figure out how
that all worked out with you?
Well, on the contrary, I actually
felt quite loved as a child.
The way I see it,
adoption is a very
pre-meditated endeavor.
There's a lot of interviews
and paperwork to be signed.
A parent will only adopt if they really,
really want a child.
Whereas I just kind of oozed out
of mom's pussy, right, Kev?
I guess mom and dad didn't wanna
make the same mistake twice.
So, what are we doing, Norm?
What's the plan?
Chillaxing, bro.
So. We're gonna sit out here
in the dessert for two days?
I don't know, it's my fucking birthday,
why do I have to think of everything?
Thank you.
No, thank you.
Oh, thanks, man.
Oh, that is so good.
Hey, Norm,
what's the deal with this guy?
Well, that's just Jovan.
So, does he just live out here
or hang out in the bushes?
No. He comes out with me,
but he does his own thing.
Yeah, whatever that means.
I think he wants us to follow him.
Well, I don't know about that.
Well, what the hell, right?
All right.
This is interesting.
Did you build all this?
Wow. It turned out great, amigo.
What the hell is this thing?
Jovan's side project.
He's obsessed with the old west.
He's a nut on the subject.
He even calls me the Duke.
Wow. Thanks, Jovan.
You didn't have to get me anything.
None of this other assholes did.
Hammer time?
Yeah. It's mine and Jovan's
construction company.
It's pretty bitchin'.
You've never built anything
in your entire life.
Oh, okay.
Well, first of all,
I made the sweetest
birdhouse in the world
when I was in cub scouts and secondly,
I'm the manager and Jovan is the
talent behind the operation.
Do you get any business?
Not yet, but good contractor can make
as much as a doctor or a lawyer.
I read that in a magazine.
Not all of us can be Asian, Kevin.
Some of us have to do
the work of the un-gifted.
- I didn't say anything.
- Yeah, you did.
Do you get any business?
Yeah, don't act all innocent.
Nah, I just think it's weird
that you spend your inheritance
on a junkyard in the desert
in a failed construction company.
Oh. And what did you do with yours?
Let me guess.
You saved it?
Do you still work at that job you hate?
- Yes.
- Oh, jeez,
why didn't you quit?
You have all that money.
You... why just be miserable?
Because that's what people do.
Yeah. That makes sense.
My brother's Cuckoo.
Jovan. Jovan.
What the fuck?
He's choking.
He needs the Heimlich.
One, two.
You're too fucking weak.
Get away, get away.
Come on, buddy.
Ugh, come on, come on.
Oh, no.
Fuck! Fuck!
I can't feel his pulse, but maybe
I'm grabbing the wrong spot.
Get the fuck away numbskull.
I saw this on TV once.
No, no, no, no.
We need to take him to the hospital.
There's not a hospital
for fucking 80 Miles.
- God, come on.
- Oh, God.
God. Fuck.
I don't hear anything.
I think he's dead, dudes.
I don't get it.
The Heimlich always works.
Oh, really?
Do you have a lot experience with that?
We got to get him to a hospital.
What are they gonna do?
He's dead.
It's what people do.
What the hell is your problem?
I don't know.
I mean...
I mean, it's still Norm's birthday,
you know, it'd be ashamed
to spoil the weekend.
Maybe we can just,
you know, drop him off Monday.
Right. So, we're gonna hang out
with a corpse sitting next to us.
A man just died.
So consider the weekend spoiled.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's just a suggestion.
Let's not get all bent out of shape.
Right. Let's get him in the truck.
Okay, everybody grab a limb.
We'll lift on three.
Okay. I'm gonna...
No, hold on. All right.
We got it?
Yeah, okay.
Here we go, ready?
One, two, three, pull.
What the fuck was that?
I'm all right.
Accidental discharge.
Body check, body check,
head down, head down.
I'm good. I'm good.
Hey, is that a problem?
Jesus Christ, Wayne,
your fucking gun shot.
Jovan in the chest.
It's okay, Norm.
I think he was already dead.
Yeah, but nobody else
is gonna know that.
We're gonna have to...
We're gonna have to rethink
this a little bit now.
Wait, why?
Well, if we bring in Jovan's body
with a bullet hole in it,
they're gonna think we killed him.
- Oh, jeez.
- We? It was your stupid gun.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I mean, you know, there's
a lot of, you know,
booze and drugs lying around.
A guy got shot.
We're all gonna be suspects
is all what I'm saying
and I've got a wife
and two kids to think about.
Okay. You're being ridiculous,
they'll do an autopsy and figure it out.
Oh, well, you know, maybe in
Los Angeles, Kevin.
But out here in the sticks,
they're gonna lock you up
and throw away the key
for a hell of a lot less.
Okay. And what are you suggesting?
I'd say we just bury him
right here right now.
I mean, it's Norm's land.
No one's ever gonna find out.
You can't be serious.
What about his family?
What if the cops come looking for him?
Well, Jovan didn't have a wife or kids
and as far as the cops go,
he was undocumented.
I mean technically on paper,
he was non-existent,
if you know what I mean.
I'm really his only family,
so I guess it's my decision.
That's right, Norm.
You were like
his brother and so what
would he have wanted
to be buried by some
undertaker in a cemetery
while his friends went
to jail for some crime
they didn't commit
or would he have liked
to have been buried by us on your land
while we celebrate his life
and honored his achievements.
No. We can't do that.
We need to tell someone.
We need to make this official.
Look, Jovan was my friend
and we all know this was an accident
and I don't think he'd wanna put
us through a bunch of trouble.
Plus he really liked it out here.
It just seems like
the right thing to do.
I can't believe I'm hearing this.
Hearing what?
I don't hear anything.
Boy, you know, I didn't know an Asian
could be so lazy.
I'm not lazy.
I'm a conscientious objector.
I need a break.
I'm starting to feel
a little lightheaded.
I think my diabetes is acting up.
Oh, no.
What do we do?
I'll be all right.
I just...
I think I need some more orange juice
or maybe a candy bar and some rest.
Okay. Just rest.
This feels so wrong.
I... I've never done this before.
Is this deep enough?
I mean,
are animals gonna dig
him up or something?
No, I think we're good.
There's no need to do this anymore.
What was that for?
Well, I don't know, I mean,
I'm sure Jovan was a nice guy
but you can't be too careful, you know.
You are a terrible, terrible person.
I'm not racist or anything.
I'm just being precautious.
Okay. You're not racist, huh?
Well, maybe we can finally address
the shirt you're wearing?
Oh, this? Oh, so,
I can't be proud of my heritage?
So, Kevin, you could
have a shirt that says
proud to be Asian or a...
Or a black guy could have a shirt
that says proud to be black
but suddenly this throws
everything into question.
That feels like a double standard.
No. If you look in the mirror...
Hey, guys, we should do this.
He's starting to smell like poop.
And I hear when you die you make
a whole bunch of turds in your jeans.
All right. That's enough of that talk.
Let's do this.
All right.
What are we gonna do now?
Hey, I got some "mad libs" in my bag.
Oh, come on you guys.
I mean, Norm, it's your birthday,
you know, we should have some fun.
I don't know. I just don't really
feel like celebrating anymore.
Yeah. That's an understatement.
I don't know about you guys,
but that's the first time
I ever buried a body.
Oh, it was an accident.
He choked.
It was nobody's fault.
Guys, I think we need to move on.
I have to take a leak.
Hey, why don't we tell ghosts stories?
Norm, do you remember
that story you told me
in Yosemite about the mime?
Oh, come on.
This isn't just about you.
I mean, yes, it's your
birthday, but I mean,
I only get one week every
six months to be away
from my family and damn it,
I intend to have a good time.
Hey, I saw someone
walking around out there.
I think I saw someone
walking around out there.
He's lost or something maybe.
Are you sure? Maybe
it was just an animal.
Yeah. It was just an animal.
No, it was a human being.
What did he look like?
Shirt, pants.
Sounds like someone has been smoking
a little too much grass.
Hey, if he needs some more,
tell him to talk to me.
Who goes there?
Oh, maybe it's that guy
that was walking around.
Did you really see somebody or not?
Yes! I mean, I think.
We'll, if there's someone out there.
I got the gun.
Jesus, Wayne, you're
gonna kill somebody now?
Well, I don't think
I have much of a choice.
You assholes nobody's
killing anybody, all right?
It's probably just the coyote.
Let's split up and check.
Okay. Wayne and Ian you go east.
That's north.
Kevin and I will go the other way.
If you see anything just yell.
- It's that way.
- Thank you.
Is there anybody out here?
Hey, so, what's the deal with Wayne?
Why do you hang out with that guy?
Oh, Wayne, yeah.
We've been hanging out for a while
and he seemed like an all right guy
and then one day he
started spouting on this
white pride crap and...
I think he was hoping I'd be
on the same page and I just didn't have
the heart to tell him.
That you're not a racist?
The fishing trips are awesome.
He pays for everything.
Well, that's great, Norm.
Hang out with the gun toting bigot
for the free fishing trips.
Sounds like you're really
moving up in life.
Yeah, whatever, man.
You make him sound like Hitler.
He's just a little behind the times.
Well, there's nothing out here.
Can we go now?
That's weird.
I've never seen that before.
Looks Egyptian.
Yeah, Norm, it's Egyptian.
Look at that one, that can't be good.
And this is all Indian, man,
a couple of hundred years ago.
I'm sure that stuff
is all over the place.
Can we go?
Do you think we buried Jovan
in a sacred Indian burial ground
and now he's gonna
come back and kill us?
No, really. Maybe that's who Ian
saw walking around.
All right. It was
a stupid thought, sorry.
Stop looking at me like that.
Oh, okay. You put me in my place,
I'm an idiot.
Okay. Kevin, I wanna kill myself now.
What a woman.
Hey, guys! I think I found something.
Jesus, Ian!
Seriously. I think it's a pog.
Remember pogs?
We didn't find anything.
Yeah, neither did we.
Well, we should probably head back,
it's getting dark as shit out
and I wanna put a couple of
finishing touches on my camp.
Hey, maybe it's just me
but I'm a little creeped out.
Maybe we should sleep
in the cars tonight.
Fine! Now, you guys go
sleep in your cars,
I'm going camping.
You know, I brought some yummy steaks
to put on the fire, some s'mores,
you gay-wads can do whatever you want.
I don't need you.
Behind the times, huh?
Let's just go back.
Hey, Norm.
Maybe I should head home now.
Oh, come on, man.
It's been a long day
and I know you're upset,
but it's a really long drive.
Just stay tonight and I'll promise
things will be better tomorrow.
Yeah, somehow, I doubt that.
How come your brother
seems not very nice?
Oh, don't take it personally.
It's not about you.
He's just pissed at me.
I don't know, something about
when our parents died.
Did you kill them?
What? No.
I was having a bad acid trip and
I called them freaking out.
This was years ago.
They didn't know what was going on
until they came out to help me
in the middle of the night.
It was raining and they got in
a bad car wreck and died.
I didn't tell Kevin at first
and he just thought they were coming out
to visit me and then he found out
the whole story a few years later
and he was pretty upset.
I think he blames me for what happened.
But whatever, man, it's not my fault.
You know what I mean?
Oh, no. It's sounds
like it was your fault.
I'd probably blame you too.
Gee, thanks.
Maybe you should quit drugs.
Yeah, look who's talking.
What's that movie got
to do with anything?
Well, at least these
steaks sure are tasty.
They're all tender and delicious.
Grass fed.
Well, I'm having a blast
out here, camping.
Yup, not worried about any kind of weird
growl coming out the woods.
I'm good.
I'm having a good time.
Oh, fuck!
Fuck! Fuck!
We thought you were dead.
Jovan, what's gotten into you man?
Whoa. Fuck!
Oh, my God.
Get him off.
That's enough.
All right. You're gonna get off him
and we're gonna discuss
this like civilized men.
Comprende, amigo?
Are you out of your mind?
He was still alive
and now you killed him.
I did a warning shot thing.
This was self-defense.
Are you all right?
Yeah, I think so.
He's not breathing.
I think he's dead for real this time.
What the hell are we gonna do?
That wasn't Jovan.
He was acting all crazy.
That wasn't him.
Or maybe he was mad
because we buried him alive.
Honestly, I don't see
how this changes anything.
You don't think this changes anything?
Now that you've officially
murdered a man
and we're all your
unwilling accomplices?
I say we just put him back where he was.
The hole's already dug.
I don't get it.
We took his pulse, we buried him.
He was dead as a doornail.
Well, obviously he wasn't.
I knew I shouldn't have
gone along with this.
But you did.
Well, it's gonna be okay,
we'd buried him before.
Back when it seemed like
it was inconvenience
to deal with the police
and all sort of stuff.
I'm just saying.
- You asshole!
- No. No. Come on. Come on.
- Knock it off.
- Guys. Guys.
I think this is the guy
I saw walking around earlier.
Did you guys figure that out?
You probably knew that already, yeah?
I'm going to the police.
I'm warning you, step away from the car.
Whoa, whoa. What the fuck is going on?
Now, you're gonna shoot me?
Wayne, this is insane.
I got to do what I got to do, okay?
I don't wanna go to jail.
I got a wife and two kids.
Wayne, just put the gun down.
What the fuck!
Start the engine.
Start the engine.
Get the fuck out of here!
Go! Get the fuck out of here!
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
It's got to be bath salts,
that's why he was acting like that.
I'm pretty sure bath salts
make you crazy not bullet proof.
Well, then maybe it was PCP.
I saw this thing on the history channel
where they did government experiments
in Vietnam and they act like that,
like superhuman or something.
Oh, come on, Kevin.
Where would Jovan get PCP?
I don't know. From Ian, I don't know.
You're ignoring reality.
His eyes looked like Darth maul.
Yeah, and that supernatural shriek?
Fellas, we're not dealing
with a corporeal entity.
Oh, no. We're running out of gas.
Oh, come on, Kevin.
Don't you check
that sort of thing before
you go out the desert?
If I hadn't I burned
through a whole tank
trying to find Norm's place
we can be fine.
It's all right.
I have a plan.
For the first time in your life?
This ought to be good.
Just pull over up here.
I don't have PCP.
What are you doing?
I'm getting rid of all my drugs
and all my drug shit
I don't wanna be the dumb ass drug guy
in a horror movie, know what I mean?
Hey, I know I'm in the minority here,
but I have appreciated
not being implicated
in any more crimes tonight.
We don't have time
to debate this, Kevin.
Everything we need to protect
ourselves is right in there.
Oh, why don't we just get
gas and keep driving?
Great, just great.
What did you expect would happen?
I don't know.
What did you do, Ian?
I don't know.
Dish soap, paper towels,
what are you gonna do,
clean him to death?
What are you gonna do,
clean him to death?
I think it's perfectly
obvious what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna set up a gauntlet
of minor annoyances
to bombard his senses
like in "home alone."
Then, when he's like
significantly disoriented,
we'll tie him up
and take him to a priest or a rabbi
and they'll exorcise whatever is in him.
Like John Basedow?
No, fuck that, this isn't "home alone,"
this is "predator."
We should be out sharpening
Spears, hanging boulders,
stuff that'll kick this guy's ass.
Yeah, I'm still trying
to forget the fact
that you wanted to shoot me an hour ago.
Oh, you really blown
that out of proportion.
I think you'll need to move on.
Fine, Wayne, you do your
thing and we'll do ours.
Oh, bleach.
He's here, he's here, over.
Well, is there any
doubt in anyone's mind
we're dealing with a supernatural being?
That answers the question.
Do you think he's
telling us to be afraid?
I think he wants us to buzz off.
Do you think that he likes
to watch game shows
for the part when people buzz in?
All right. Everyone get to your posts.
- Hello.
- What are you doing?
Be quiet.
Yo, Kevin. This is Finn, bro,
you know, the guy that you hit
the other day with your car.
Yeah, this is kind of bad time.
Yeah, well, then
I make it quick, all right.
Listen, my mechanic took
a look at my car,
apparently, there's some pretty serious
internal damage, dude.
Basically, it's this, we
gotta scrap the whole car.
I know it's fucking crazy, right?
I can't deal with this right now.
Okay. Bye.
Hey, should I call you tomorrow then?
Yeah, sure, whatever.
I'm so sorry.
I don't know why I picked that up,
I should really turn this thing off.
He's about to encounter
the first stratagem.
It's all right, it's all right,
it's the first of many.
Oh, man, I thought that
was gonna be a good one.
I don't think this is working, Norm.
You're up, Ian, he's headed
over to sector B, over.
You idiot, you used a plastic bottle?
Does that matter?
Never mind, onto phase two.
Hey, over here you horse's ass,
come and get me.
Let's go, move, move.
Take one, take one.
Give me that.
Now, go, go, spin him up,
wrap him, spin him, yeah.
Oh. Fuck.
Jovan, it's me the Duke, don't kill me.
Hey, the hot dog!
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
What the fuck?
Not taking any chances this time.
Don't mess with the best
because the best don't mess.
Hells, yeah!
Yeah! Yeah.
Oh! Well, no offense youngsters
but like I always say,
never send boys to do a man's job.
You don't say that.
Yeah, I do. I say it all the time.
I must have said it a couple
times since we got here.
No, you don't say that ever.
What are you doing, man?
You're giving me a hard time, you know?
I mean, I didn't save the day
but it's like motto.
I always say it.
I've known you for awhile
and I never heard those words
come out of your mouth.
I don't know why you
feel the need to lie.
I'm not lying, you know,
why would I lie about
something silly like that?
I think you just wanted to sound cool
and now I called you on it.
I'm not lying.
Wayne, you're just
digging yourself deeper.
You just need to come clean.
Put your hands where I can see them.
Los Angeles, huh?
I know you city perverts
like to come out here
to do all your satanic shit
because you think us country bumpkins
won't figure it out.
Sir, it wasn't Kevin's fault.
In fact he's probably least
to blame of any of us.
Was I talking to you, Hagrid?
You'll get your turn.
All right, everybody, listen up.
My name is Sheriff Thomas Maynard
and you have the right to remain silent,
but if I know one
thing about perverts like you
is that you all like to talk eventually
because you think you're so smart.
And then you get stories all mixed up
and then the jury sends you
all to the gas chamber
and then a hallelujah,
a couple less perverts
left in the world.
Was that the Miranda rights?
Because I think you said it wrong.
Yeah, maybe you need to brush
up on your police work.
All right. Laugh it up, I don't mind.
Hey, Tommy Lee Jones called,
he wants his character back.
All right.
Shut up, shut up.
Slap your faces in.
Sheriff Maynard, may I speak
with you in private please?
I think I can clear up
this whole situation.
Wayne Simmons, pleased to meet you,
listen, my cohorts are
really acting childish,
you're gonna have to excuse them.
But you and I, we both
work for the government,
post office, and I can tell you,
I have a tremendous amount
of respect of what you do.
Get to the point.
Yeah, so, the incident
which has occurred
in the convenient store,
there was this Mexican fella
who was chasing us and he was crazy.
And so everything
that's occurred in there
is purely self-defense,
I mean, you know,
look at us, you know,
couple of white guys
and, you know, a Mexican fella,
I mean, come on, right? You know.
- I think I get it.
- Yeah, good, good, good.
All right. Look, we could
probably let this thing slide,
that is, if you'll be willing
to do something for me.
Say the word.
Okay. I could let you go
if you'll...
Suck my dick.
No, no, not really.
That's my pervert test.
You just failed it, sit your ass down,
you racist pervert asshole.
I'm holding all of you
miserable assholes
to jail right now.
Hello, Louise, it's tom,
I need assistance down
at the gas station.
Well Kevin, you wanted
to go to the police,
now, you got your wish.
Yeah, I wanted to go to the police
before we broke into a convenience store
and murdered a man three times.
Maybe we should make that four.
Oh, you're sweet.
No, just perverts.
One of them tried to suck my dick.
Sir, do you require medical assistance?
Sheriff, no.
He's not human.
Shut your mouth back there.
Sir, are you okay?
Son, are you on drugs?
Holy mother, ah!
Why, God?
This is some fucked up shit, man.
Why didn't you tell me
that thing was a monster?
Would you have believed me?
Now get out of here,
save yourself, guys.
No, Ian, we won't leave you.
Guys, it's going good,
I think I'm winning.
Yeah, go, Ian.
I'm overpowering him.
I think it's going well.
Yeah, hit him.
What the hell are you doing?
I just think we should
be videotaping this.
We gotta go. That
thing is gonna kill us.
Yeah. But if we live, I might
be able to sell the tape
as one of those found footage movies.
You can't be serious!
Look, when you're as poor as me,
you gotta take these
opportunities as they come.
Yeah, bad idea.
Those movies suck anyway.
Damn. Private property.
Okay. I guess you don't care.
Hey, uh, Norm.
I just had a horrifying thought.
A man rose from the grave
and turned into some kind of demon.
Yeah. That's why we're running.
No. That's not what I mean.
I'm saying, we exist in a world
where that kind of shit is possible
and that undermines
my entire belief system.
Even if we survive this, we still have
to worry about ghosts and monsters,
and all the other kinds
of supernatural crap
that might be out there.
Or maybe it's just this
one fucked up monster.
What the fuck?
Hey! Come on, Kevin!
Help me out!
What are you doing?
It's Norm!
I know it's Norm!
We gotta knock him out and tie him up!
What are you talking about?
I'm sorry, Norm. But I've been
thinking about this.
And I think that thing is after you.
Only you.
He's after all of us.
Because we're with him.
Think about it.
At the campsite,
at the convenience store,
it only went after Norm.
What about the sheriff and Ian?
What happened to Ian?
Oh, my God.
He passed away.
Passed away?
A monster tore his head off.
That fucker died.
All right. Anyway,
I'm sure that they were getting killed
because they were in the way of you.
That's why we have to tie you up, Norm.
Ritual sacrifice.
It's the only solution.
I'm sorry.
Kevin, do you have any rope or twine
that we can tie him up with?
Is that what I mean to you?
I thought we were fucking friends.
Well, I'm sorry, Norm.
But I have a wife
and two kids to think about.
Oh, don't give me
that wife and kids crap.
Everyone knows you hate them.
You know, when you grow
out of this extended
period of adolescence,
you're gonna understand
that people have responsibilities.
But that's not gonna matter because
you're gonna be dead anyways.
All right.
You know what?
You're just a racist piece of shit.
And I never liked you anyway.
I only liked the free fishing trips.
Oh, very nice.
You wanna go down this road?
Let's do it. Put up your Dukes, huh!
Let's go, asshole!
Hey, guys!
I think we gotta go.
Don't shoot us!
Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
Didn't you read the sign?
This is private property.
You're trespassing.
Uh, we must have missed that.
I'm sorry. Please don't kill us.
We're gonna leave now.
Oh, you're not going anywhere, dudes.
I can't believe this.
I tried to get away from you fuckers.
Ding, ding.
Um, look, man, I'm really sorry
that we were on your land.
But there's a monster chasing us.
And if we don't get out here,
he's gonna kill us all.
We all got a monster chasing us, son.
It's called the devil.
Hey, you know, this actually
smells pretty good.
All right. Who's gonna say the grace?
I'll do it.
Uh, dear God, thank you for this food
and thank you for old man Schumer.
The nice man who's gonna let us go now.
That's a good one.
All right. Eat up, boys.
You're gonna need your strength.
Strength for what?
Hey, you know?
This is actually pretty good.
Old family recipe.
Don't mind if I do.
What are you waiting for?
You don't mind if I stew?
Man. That was like
the best meal I've ever had.
Can I get a whoop whoop?
What's wrong with Wayne?
I'm pretty sure there was
something in the food.
Did you eat any? I just
kind of swished it around.
We gotta get out of here.
This whole place smells like pee.
Blessed be
the tie that binds our...
Yeah. I know.
Maybe if we finish these chores,
he'll let us go.
What can we do?
He's got a gun.
He's got us in chains
and there's human skeletons
in his backyard.
He's not gonna let us go.
Guys, guys.
You got it all wrong.
Old Schumer is a great guy.
He's a great guy.
Too much talking.
Not enough working.
Oh, not me, Massa.
I's be working.
Sorry, sir.
Very, very sorry, sir.
I can see what's going on here.
You think I'm crazy.
Like that, uh... like
that human centipede guy.
I assure you.
I wouldn't hurt a fly.
Uh, then why is there
a skeleton in your backyard?
That's a Halloween decoration.
I put on a haunted house
every year for the kiddies.
For all I know, you're the crazy ones.
You broke into my yard.
That's why I put you in chains.
Uh, this whole thing
is just one big misunderstanding.
See? See, you guys?
I told you.
Old man Schumer's a great guy.
- Well.
- No, no.
No. Hey, hey.
Here's the thing.
The reason they're all kind of on edge
is because earlier,
we killed this Mexican,
and we buried him in the desert,
and then he came back to life,
and now he's trying to kill us.
So it's kind of a strange thing.
Came back to life?
"And death and hell
delivered up the dead
which were in them."
"And they were judged every man
according to his works,
Revelations 20:13."
I've been waiting
for the sign of the apocalypse.
And this is it, my friends.
Of course.
What else could it be?
We must prepare.
These are my babies.
How'd you get all this stuff?
I used to work for the government.
Well, that's comforting.
You know, we shot Jovan,
burned him, stuck a meat
cleaver in his head.
I think it's safe to say
conventional weapons aren't
gonna work against him.
Well, duh.
This is the spawn of Satan.
Of course conventional weapons
won't work with him.
Your souls need to be cleansed.
Then you can use conventional.
You know, I'm willing to believe
anything at this point.
Fuck, yeah, man.
This is the final showdown
between good and evil.
Are you going to be one
of Satan's minions
or one of Christ's warriors?
I guess Christ's warriors.
Yeah. Christ's warrior sounds good.
The seven churches which are in Asia.
- Right, right.
- That's how far.
How did we get here, Norm?
I'm just going through the motions.
But, uh, who knows?
Maybe this will work now
that our souls are cleansed.
Yeah, you're right.
As soon as we can get away from him,
we need to make a run for it.
Uh, oh, my head hurts.
Where am I?
Who are you?
Oh, I think it's about time
for you to take your medicine.
Wayne, here you go.
- Attaboy.
- Okay.
Just... atta.
That's the way to go.
So what do we do about Wayne?
We can't just leave him.
All right, men.
Listen up.
Everyone gather around.
The hour is fast approaching
and we need to go over our plan.
Is everyone's tactical gear on?
Diapers in place?
Yeah, uh, can you, uh, tell me again
why we're wearing diapers?
What are you gonna do
in the heat of battle
when you need to go to the bathroom?
Just excuse yourself?
You think Satan's gonna wait?
Good thinking.
All right.
Now, take a look.
Here is the convenience store.
That means, Satan's monster
will be approaching from the east.
Wayne will be upfront
with a .30 caliber machine gun.
I will be patrolling the rear perimeter
with the RPG.
Kevin and Norman
will give supporting fire
from the right flank and the left flank
respectively with assault
rifles and other small arms.
Everybody on board?
Sir, yes, sir.
Sir, yes, sir.
Now, drop your drawers.
Let's all tug one out.
What, what, what, what?
No need to be shy, son.
Wait, I'm confused.
What is this for?
To clear the mind of sexual thoughts.
We don't want them
clouding our judgment.
It's okay, men.
We're doing it for Jesus.
Um, uh, well, actually,
uh, we prefer to masturbate
as a threesome in private.
It's how we normally do it.
All right.
But you've got five minutes.
Fair enough.
- Stop that, you idiot.
- What?
We got to think to run for it.
Oh, my God.
I think Wayne wanted to slap
his knob in front of us.
Listen, Wayne, that guy is not
an authority on this stuff.
He's just a crazy old coot.
Blasphemy. Blasphemy.
I must tell the master.
I think that went really well.
- Should we go?
- Yep.
Master, I see them.
Over there.
Attention all sinners.
Soul clean up on aisle seven.
Aim for Norm.
Ah, fuck.
- Norm!
- Fuck!
Sorry. Just give me a second.
This is tough fabric.
Dude, it's not that bad.
Just fucking relax.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
Slippery little devils, aren't they?
Aim for Norm next time.
Oh, yeah.
Do you remember those bones you found
I told were Halloween decorations?
I lied.
Those were the bones of sinners.
Like you.
I killed them.
That doesn't frighten you?
I kind of assumed that.
Oh. I see.
Master, no!
Son of a bitch.
Oh, my eyes.
Oh, no!
That's unnecessary!
- Oh, fuck!
- Oh, God!
Oh, it's Wayne.
He was a racist.
Calm down.
Here, hold these.
Ah, fuck! What the fuck, man?
Ah, Jesus Christ!
Oh, God damn it!
That was some great spur of the moment.
Thank you, Norm.
That's the only plan I know how to do.
Oh, shit! Stay back.
I think he's gone.
Is he?
Yes. His hand just stopped moving.
But we got fooled by that before.
Yeah. But that was like whole body.
We just liquefied this fucker.
Unless he could reform
or something like a t1000.
I don't know.
I guess you're right.
You did it, brother.
Come on.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
Is there a bus that comes around here?
We should probably go find my car.
When we were kids and I use
to take you to the mall
and tell people that you were
this little lost Asian boy
who needed bus fare.
And then we'd take the money
and go to the arcade.
Yeah. We had some good times
scamming kind-hearted
people out of their money.
So are you sure you don't
wanna stick around?
I could go for some pancakes
drenched in maple syrup.
You haven't taken
any Insulin in a while.
Yeah. I know.
It's because I took a double dose
before to store it up.
So... I'm fine.
It's fine.
I should probably take some more soon.
So thanks for reminding me.
Good looking out.
That's not the way it works.
God damn it! Fuck.
All right.
You caught me.
I don't have diabetes, I never did.
You said this was a dying man's wish.
Technically it is.
I mean, we're all dying
a little everyday, even you.
What? I wanted to see my little brother.
And I knew there was no way
you were gonna come out here
unless I made something like that up.
You wanna know why I never
come out to see you?
No. I know why. It's 'cause
of the mom and dad thing.
You think it's my fault and I'm sorry.
No. That was just the last straw.
I never come out to see you
because you're a disaster.
Mom and dad spent every second
cleaning up after the mess you made.
They barely had any time for me at all.
Oh, wah, wah, I'm Kevin.
I have baggage and fucking issues.
You don't take anything
seriously, do you?
Maybe. I don't know.
You know, we haven't even talked
about the wake of dead bodies
we left out here on this adventure.
I don't even want to think
about what's in store for us.
What? How is any of this my fault?
You're being really unfair.
It's just your energy.
My energy?
Oh, excuse me, Yani,
maybe you should stop blaming me
for every crappy thing that
happens in your life, you know?
Sometimes shit happens.
Yeah. Shit happens to you.
Because you're careless
and you're a fucking loser.
Well, at least I cared
enough to call you.
Goodbye, Norm.
Don't ever call me again.
Kevin, where are you going?
Oh, come back man.
I'm lonely.
I don't have any friends!
Well, fuck.
I'll miss you, buddy.
You have two new messages.
Message one.
Yo, it's Finn, more bad news.
I saw my chiropractor
yesterday. Not good, bro.
I'm on Vicodin and some other shit.
You know, like something heavy.
Anyway, I had to get a new bed
and one of those like futuristic
foam bed things, you know?
And I've been doing this
therapeutic massage session
a couple of times a day.
That ain't that bad,
you know, happy endings.
Anyway, I'll be sending the bills
and all that crap. Just
giving you a heads up anyway.
Hey, call me if you
got anything going on.
Message two.
Hey, Kevin, it's Jason at work.
Listen, you know that
bond fun you've got?
You know, the one you've
been Hawking around?
You know, we're kind
of tanked yesterday,
a lot of angry people
over here, it's crazy.
I wouldn't have thought
that could happen
with it being so diversified and all.
Just perfect storm I guess.
Well, anyway, that's what happened.
So I'll see you when you get back.
Shit happens.
Hey, Kevin it's me.
Hey, listen, Norm.
I may have overreacted back there.
I'm sorry man.
I should just come back
and talk to you in person.
Yeah, you probably don't
want to do that right now.
You were right, we didn't
kill the monster after all.
It's still trying to get me.
He looks really gross now.
Oh my God. I'll be there
in a minute. Where are you?
You really wanna watch
while I get eviscerated
by an immortal demon?
Just go, live your life.
I guess this is goodbye.
I love you, buddy.
Hi. I'm sorry.
I know this is weird and
completely out of the blue,
but we buried a guy out in the desert
and I think there might be
like some Indian curse
or something because it
keeps coming back to life.
And he's trying to kill my brother.
You buried someone in the desert?
Well, it was an accident.
He choked on a hotdog.
It's complicated, but I didn't
know where else to go.
And he won't die.
And you guys are the only
Indians or I'm sorry,
native Americans I've ever met
so I thought maybe
there was like a chant
or a magical dagger or something?
He says, "sucks to be your brother."
Please. There's nothing you can do?
My brother is the only
family I have left.
I'll do whatever it takes.
So I guess, eventually, I have to sleep
and that's when you'll get me, right?
You're like the lamest monster ever.
What's going on?
What are they talking about?
It's some sort of curse.
When the white man took the land,
an angry chief put a curse on it.
Hey, Kevin.
This is really weird.
My father says that when
your brother bought the land,
he inherited the curse.
And when you buried the body,
the curse was initiated.
And unfortunately, it cannot be lifted.
Oh, great.
Back to square one.
But you can transfer
the curse to someone else.
That someone would have
to take the land from you.
I'll take it.
Just give it to me, Norm.
No way, I wouldn't do that to you.
Does anybody know any
really ill cancer kids
or just someone dying soon?
Or maybe just a real asshole?
Give me one second.
He says you have five minutes.
- Yo!
- Hey, Finn, this is Kevin,
the guy who hit you.
Oh, yeah.
How you doing, man?
Listen, as you know,
I'm a financial adviser
and my job is to find
really lucrative
opportunities for my clients.
I found something here
that my brother introduced me to
and I wanted to share it with you.
Really? I'm listening.
Okay. Well, it's land.
It's out in the desert.
It's beautiful land,
it's prime for development.
It's really to die for.
Why the hell would
I want to buy some land
out in the middle of the desert?
Look, Finn, man to man,
I just lost a lot of money
and I don't think you'll be able to get
as much out of me
as you thought you would.
But this land is worth
way more than that,
millions at least.
How about I just give it to you?
And if it doesn't turn
out to be everything
you had hoped for, you can
still take me to the cleaners?
Does that sound fair?
So you're just gonna give it to me?
Yeah. Free and clear.
All you have to do is accept it.
I think you deserve it, buddy.
All right.
I'll take it.
But if this desert thing
doesn't pan out,
I'm still coming after you.
Okay, Finn. Good bye.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I don't get it.
What just happened?
You transferred the curse.
The demon must have gone
to a different host.
But he can just transfer
to another body?
Why the hell didn't he do that before?
How the hell should we know?
We just sell crap by
the side of the road.
Hey, you speak English.
Yeah, yeah.
That's just an act
so I don't have to talk
to people like you.
So I never got your name.
Annie, it's a very nice name.
- Let's go.
- Okay, bye.
Thanks for coming back, Kevin.
It's a long story, Jovan.
So, what now?
I don't know.
Breakfast sounds good.
My treat?
Hey, I just remembered.
I video taped that monster.
We can still make that
found footage movie.
What do you say, Kevin?
Ready to break box office records?
Maybe we should first
figure out our alibi, Norm.
They were out of regular
so I got your diet.
What, are you fucking sleeping on me?
It's time for some road head, wake up!
Hey, I'm talking to you, retard!
What the fuck?