Amy Schumer Growing (2019) Movie Script

Thank you so much, Chicago.
Thank you.
I used to do something
a lot of comics do.
I would blame my disgusting behavior
on the city I was in.
You know how people would be like,
"Chicago, you got me so fucked up
last night!" You know?
And the crowd was like,
"Okay. We were not here last night."
You made me fuck that stranger,
no condom. You're crazy, Denver!"
"Armed robbery?
Philly, you silly."
"No, ma'am. We are concerned for you."
That's all over now.
Because I'm fucking pregnant!
Yeah, I did it.
I'm amazing.
I laid there, and...
that's it.
Usually, when someone in the public eye
gets pregnant,
there's, like, a couple of months
where there's some rumors about them,
you know?
There's some, like, "Oop, bump alert!"
Uh-oh. Uh...
I was well into my second trimester.
Not one fucking rumor about me. Nothing.
I was photographed.
Belly out. They're like, "There's Amy!"
"Looking happy. I don't know.
Doing her." And then so once people knew,
they were like, "Is she showing?"
They were like,
"No more than normal. Kinda...
It just kinda looks like
she took her Spanx off."
There are all these rules
about pregnancy that are unsaid.
Where is it written
that when you'repregnant,
you haveto cup your little bump
in every picture?
It's so obnoxious,
guys. Every picture.
It's all right.
Some people do the two hand.
I was like, okay, fuck it.
I'll do it, but I'm going to do it
for the rest of my life.
I'm going to be 90 years old like this,
with a cigarettein my mouth like...
I do it. I cup the bump...
in pictures,
but I just do it a little bit lower.
I just go right here.
'Cause this is the area that got me
in trouble in the first place.
All the questions everyone...
"What areyou having?
Do you know what you're having?"
Any other questions?
Why do they ask, "What are you craving?
What are you craving?
Are you craving anything?"
Just me and my angel.
People always want to see the bump.
That's like the thing.
"Just show me thatfucking bump, bitch."
And my belly button is getting
so misshapen with this baby inside
that Ihad to put two Band-Aids
over my bellybutton tonight.
That's more than you bargained for, right?
Somebody's neglecting their bikini area.
I'll tell you who it's not fun to be
pregnant at the exact same time as.
Meghan Markle.
I think we're, like, to the day
the same amount pregnant.
And she's out there
in, like, six-inch heels,
adorable outfits, and she has like...
There's been no bump.
Like, there's been...
She, like, cups where the bump will be,
you know.She's like...
Here's where the baby will be."
People see me, they're like, "The last
couple of weeks are the hardest, right?
Are you crowning?
I think I can see an ear.
Is that an ear?"
If I were Meghan Markle...
and I am...
'Cause she hangs out with the Queen now.
Like, they hang out
and have conversations.
If I were Meghan,
no matter what the Queenasked me,
and I can't do a greatBritish accent,
but, you know, if she said something like,
"La, la, la.
Oh! Pip-pip!
Would you like a spot of lemon?" Like
probably exactly that, she probably says.
No matter what,
if I were Meghan, I wouldanswer
everything she asks with,
"Yas, Queen!
I just came so close to shitting myself.
You guys don't...
This special almost became a realspecial.
That would have...
What would I have done?
Kind of just kicked it, and...
trusted that you guys would be cool.
Is that what I would have done?
I have not had an easy pregnancy.
I have hyperemesis,
which I'd never evenheard of.
It's extreme nausea and vomiting.
If you've ever had food poisoning,
it's that.
I've had that every day for five months.
No, and people are like,
"You're so strong. Lookat you out there.
You're on the road."
I'm contractually obligated
to be out here, guys.
I'm not like, "I don't care.
The show mustgo on."
I'm like,
"I will be sued by Live Nation."
That's why I'm here.
But I feel pretty good tonight,
to be honest with you, so...
I didn't throw up today.
Uh... Yeah, but I didn't know that being
pregnant could be really hard. Like...
I didn't know that
because youbitches all lie about it.
Women don't tell you how hard it is.
I should have Googled it.
I should have Googled being pregnant.
'Cause it's been really awful.
'Cause in movies, they don't show you.
There's just a montage where the girl's
in her office and she's typing,
and thenshe's like...
And she runs to the bathroom,
she throws up once!
And then in the next scene,
she's in overalls painting a barn.
Like, "Yay!"
I can't wait to meet you
You know?
I throw up an exorcist amount every day.
And I feel like,
you know, if you hada good pregnancy,
if you're someone
who enjoyed being pregnant,
I just hopeyour car flips over. That's...
That's what I wish for you.
Your car kind of Chappaquiddicks
into alake, and you just kinda...
Is that fair to say?
Because here's the thing.
You're pregnant, but you don't change.
I hate women who start to act really
just precious and like, "Yes, now I'm...
I'm a saint, and I never...
I never had sex in a bathroom
on a train," you know?
We've all had sex
in the bathroom on atrain.
You don't stop being you, you know.
You don't stop working or drinking.
Like, you...
You know?
I've gotten in the habit of asking, uh,
friends' recommendations and advice
about pregnancy
until I get the answer Iwant.
You know what I mean?
I asked my most responsiblefriend,
she's a nurse.
I was like, "So, wine...
what do you think?
Should I just havesome,
or whatdo you think?
While I'm pregnant. Wine?
Definitely have some,
or what do you think?"
And she was like,
"You know what? Just skipit.
Just be safe, you know?" AndI was like,
"Yes, that's what I thought,
but I wanted to hear you say it,
so now I'll tell other people
not to drink ever while they're pregnant.
Thank you." Huh!
That's done with. And then...
You know, and then I asked, like, a little
more lenient of a friend. I'm like...
"Hey, what are your thoughts
on drinking wine while you're pregnant?"
She's like, "A glass a week is fine.
Like, that's probably fine."
I'm like, "That's better.
That makes sense.That's good.
You're smart." And then...
Then you ask your kind of biggest
dirtbag, deadbeat friend, you know?
She's like, "Once you start getting, like,
fucked up, stop drinking." I'm like...
No, I haven't even wanted...
That's how I know this baby is not mine.
This baby is a lie.
No, it's mine, and...
I'm pretty sure
the guywho got me pregnant
is my husband 'cause I got married, yay!
To the luckiest boy in the world
I married a chef
because I'm a fuckinggenius.
Do you guys like food?
That's what he makes.
Yeah. I love it.
Marrying a chef, it's like a little
on-the-nose for me.
It's kind of like Snoop marrying weed.
I love him. It's real. Um...
The proposal was wack.
He proposed to me in the morning.
That's, like, when people
in a nursing homeget engaged. Like...
Not, like, at sunrise. I was still asleep.
I was sleeping,
and I sleep like I'm stillin the womb.
Earplugs, eye mask...
my mom's legs around my shoulders. Like...
You know? Recreate.
Every morning, I'm born and...
So I'm...
in the womb, and he comes in,
and I just took one ear plug out.
I was like...
And he kind of threw the ring boxat me,
and he goes, "I got you this."
And I open it, and...
And he goes,
"Do you want me to get down on oneknee?"
and I was like,
"I guess not."
And then I went back to sleep.
That's the truth.That's a real ass
proposal, though. That's like a real...
You know?
'Cause, like, in movies and TV shows,
the guyalways gets down on one knee,
And the girl's always shocked.
"I didn't even know you liked me!
I'm still on Bumble. Like, this is..."
Like, you didn't talk about...
That's a verybig decision...
to not talk about. I don't know anygirl
who got engaged that way.
I'm from New York.
All my girlfriends are from New York.
We get married late there.
When youget engaged at 40, it's like,
"Whoa, teen bride! Like, slow...
Slow it down. Get to know him."
I think there are only two reasons
you should get down on one knee
if you're a guy.
If you're a player in the NFL...
and to eat my pussy. Those are the two...
Two reasons.
I mean, if the guy you're with
gets, like, synchronized swans
to danceto Bruno Mars, youknow?
He's gay.
That's a gay guy.
And, look, we all have a friend
married to agay guy. We do.
We do.You're probably here
with a couple right now.
And they're like,
"Talk about Meghan Markle more."
We've had that experience, right?
When you meet the couple
for the first time,
and then they leave,
and then a couple of your friends,
you're taking each other'stemperature.
You're like...
"Jeff was nice, right?"
Yeah. Jeff was cool, yeah."
"You said he's a costume designer.
He's a... Yeah."
And then finally someone's like,
"Is Jeff gay?"
You're like, "Jeff is gay! Yes!"
And we all laugh at our friend.
"Hee-hee, she's married to a gay guy."
But you knowwhat?
Someone with hyperemesis
who's five monthspregnant,
you know who sounds like it would be fun
to be married to right now?
Fucking Jeff.
Get on one knee for Jeff.
I think... I don't want to jinx it.
I think I don't have to be
a bridesmaid anymore.
Yeah, I think I've done...
I'm not making no new friends.
Everybody got married. I was the last one.
'Cause when you get in your late30s,
there's just no dignity to it,you know?
It's like me in a Grecian gown
with my aging cleavage and like...
a Coachella flower halo.
I'm just like...
Just hoping I'm not the bridesmaid
with the biggest arm, you know?
I'm like...
I hold my arm out.
'Cause people used to get married
in their early 20s.
You had a little
20-year-old bridesmaidarm.
You wereholding your champagnelike,
"It's heavy!"
Now it's just a sea of turkey legs,
Looks like the defensive line
for the Bears are in the wedding.
I really respect you guys for coming out
because if you follow me on Instagram,
you're probably like,
"Is this bitch in thehospital?
Is she gonna be there?"
I made it. I...
I've been hospitalized a couple of times
since I've been pregnant
with hyperemesis and...
The very first time
was about a month ago,and...
I was throwing up for about five hours
when I...
was taken to the hospital.
The doctor came in, and he explained to me
and my sister and my husband,
who were are allin the room. He said,
"You're going to be here
for at least fivehours getting liquids."
And withoutskipping a beat,
my husbandsaid to my sister,
"Okay, cool, because I saw a place
where youcan paint pottery nearby."
You guys are like, "Is he gay?"
So my sister didn't even,like, check in
with me if it was cool that they left me.
As soonas he said "pottery,"
they just left.
And I was like, "I'll be here."
And about an hour and a half later,
my sister rushed back in the room,
and shesaid, "Okay, listen.
Be nice to him aboutwhat he painted."
I'm like...
She's like, "I'm serious.
He worked really hard on it."
"Okay." She goes...
"And it's not very flattering."
I'm like, "What?"
But my husband's brain
is a little different.
'Cause you go to these places,
you usuallypaint a teddy bear
or a jewelry box, youknow,
but my husband decided to...
to paint a plate...
which he would use as a canvas...
to paint me.
And I'm going to show you the picture.
I think it's important
for you guysto see the picture. Um...
And I want to show you this,
and Iwant you to know
that there were no qualifiers
before he showed me this picture.
He was sure it was pretty good.
This is the picture that he painted.
I was in the hospital, guys.
What is... I wanted to go,
"What's with my chin on myneck?"
I look like Trump. Like, I look...
I couldn't say any of this to him, okay?
Get rid of it. People are leaving.
This is upsetting.
This is an upsetting image.
I mean...
I had to comfort him.
My husband is a really great sport.
You know? He really is.
I keep messingwith him.
Like, you know,
I've had a tough pregnancy, so...
the other day, I was like, "Babe,
this is kind of too hard for me.
I don't think I can do it."
And he's like, "What do you mean?"
And I was like...
"What do you think I mean? I think I...
I need to get an abortion."
And this was his response. He went...
I was like, "No! What?"
I'm going to announce it on Instagram,
and then I'm going to be like,
"Actually, forget it. I don't like it.
I'm tired. I don't like it."
Thank God that was his response,
you know?
What if he'd been like,
"Cool. I'll warm upthe car."
I knew from the beginning
that my husband's brain
was a little differentthan mine.
Um, and about...
I have to start this over
'cause I really want to get this right.
Because I love him very much.
My husband was diagnosed with
what used to be called Asperger's.
He has autismspectrum disorder.
He's on the spectrum.
there were some signs early on, like...
we went for a walk about a year ago,
and I fell.
And kinda nine out of ten people would go,
"Oh, my God! Are you okay?"
Maybe more like ten out of ten people.
"Oh, my God! Are you okay?"
But instead, my husband went...
He kind of froze and became a lighthouse,
opening and closing his mouth, just...
And I remember lying on the ground
looking up at him,
and I wasn't mad. I just thought,
A lot of "huh" moments, you know?
And once he was diagnosed,
it dawned on me how funny it was
because all of the characteristics
that make itclear
that he's on the spectrum
are allof the reasons
that I fell madly in lovewith him.
That's the truth.
He says whatever is on his mind.
He keeps it so real, you know?
He doesn'tcare about social norms
or what youexpect him to say or do.
You know, if I say to him, like,
"Does this look like shit?" He'll go,
"Yeah. You have a lot of other clothes.
Why don't you wear those?" I'm like...
But he can also make me feel
more beautiful
than anyone ever hasmy wholelife.
Yeah, it's true.
And he can't lie.
Is that the dream man,
a guy who can't lie?
But that also means
that he can't lie forme.
Which is an essential part
of any relationship.
We're friends with this couple,
and they broke up,
and the guy started dating a new girl
pretty soon after,
and we happened to be atthe party
where they got together,
so I didn't rush to tell theex-girlfriend
what happened.
So a couple of months later,
we had dinner with her, and she was like,
"And, you know, atthat party,
that's when they got together."
And I was like...
It's not possible."
And Chris goes...
"No, you remember."
No, I don't."
"Yeah, remember? 'Cause you said,
'Oh, my God, he'sleaving with her.'"
"Thank you, Chris! Thank you.
I guess I forgot about that."
Also, one of the the signs of autism
is you don't make sort of the...
appropriate facial expression
for theoccasion you're at.
So we were gonna go on a red carpet
together for the first time,
and we were practicing hissmiles,
you know,
and we didn't land on one
that we were in love with.
So we were out of time, so I said,
This is what I do.Just think
about something you love,you know?"
And he loves the ocean, so...
So we went out there and it worked,
but it worked too well.
'Cause in all the pictures, I'm doing
my normal bullshit, and hewas like...
I noticed. I was like, "A pond.
Just likeyou're glancing at a pond.
Pull it back."
It's exciting being pregnant.
It's not all bad.
The best part about it
is not getting your period.
Yeah. That's the silver uterine lining,
if you want to look for one.
That's nice because,you know,
what I realized,
right before I got pregnant, Inoticed...
how ashamed...
we've all been made to feel
about gettingour period...
our whole lives.
Like we choose it, youknow?
Like, "Can't kick my bleeding habit,
you know?
I just want it. I want to do it."
It's supposed to be, you know, a secret.
The second you get it, your mom goes,
"You're a woman now.
And that's disgusting.
Never let anyone know
of your filthy secret."
And you're like, "Okay. I'm 12.
I'm ready to handle this."
This is my Rainbow Brite lunch box.
Rainbow Brite
Stars are shining bright
And it is.
That's the most embarrassingthing
that could possibly happen
to you as a kid,
that someone knows you have your period,
or they see you have your period.
At that age, for men,
the mostembarrassing thing
is unwanted erections,right?
But then they grow up
and show them toeveryone.
Maybe that's what we should do.
I don't know.
Call a coworker into your office.
Come in here. Close the door."
"Carl, you're getting very sleepy."
All this talk about dick pics,
how about a tamp pic?
You up?
If you're still in a position
where you're getting dick pics, ladies,
I have asuggestion for you.
When you get a dickpic...
send back...
a dick pic.
You go, "Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought we were exchanging
our favoritedick pics.
Dick for dick, pic for pic, no?
I thought..."
Why are we made to feel so ashamed
of a natural bodily function
that ultimately brings life, you know?
It's like...
If youforget a tampon,
you have to bum one fromsomebody.
What we all do is,
first, you look around...
like you're going to say something racist,
just like...
And whatever race you thought I meant,
that's your problem. And...
Then you kind of lean in,
and we don't even say the whole sentence.
We kind of go...
"Does anybody have a..."
What is this? What's the claw?
That's how disgusted we are
with ourselves.
"Does anyone have a tampon?"
And I notice myself do it.
I was in a gym locker room.
Thank you.And...
And there were a bunch of women
in there, and I...
And this woman across the locker room
with so much confidence was like,
"Oh, yeah, I do. What size?"
And, like,
obviously, I know there are
different sizes oftampons,
but I've never been confronted...
...with that question before, you know?
She's like, "Yeah, what's
the circumference of your pussy hole?
Grande or venti?
What are we plugging, bitch?
I've got Pilates. What is it?"
Then all the other women
in the locker room
kinda lean in to hear... answer, you know?
I'm just like...
"I don't know. Do you have, like, a...
super Grand Canyon? I don't know.
Just throw me a futon mattress.
I'll just kind of squat over it."
My vagina is going to get bigger, I heard.
Can't wait. Take up more space. Lean in!
It's already grown.
It just grows over the years.
I know because, I mean, when I was
younger, I could put a Tic Tac inthere
and then just walk around all day.
At night, I swear it would
still bein the sameplace, just... Whoop!
if I have a yeast infection, which I do...
and I try to put
one of those Monistatsuppositories in,
it just falls right onthe floor.
Whoop! Be careful. They're very slippery.
I do.
I have a yeast infection.
I'm gonna address it 'cause I have to do
the pinch. You guys know the pinch.
Ladies, just a quick, little pinch.
But I'm really excited about this.
We don't even need tampons anymore.
There's a new invention.
- You guys know what I'm talking about?
- DivaCup!
No, not the DivaCup.
That is terrifying. Um...
The DivaCup... Do you know what it is?
It's like this little cup you store
in the back of your vagina,
and it collects...
and at the end of the day,
you pullit out and you kinda Kill Bill.
Just kind of...
It's a lot.
It's too much for me.
I respect you
if you can handle the DivaCup.
Such a confident name. "I'm a Diva."
It's more exciting than the DivaCup.
It's a new invention called THINX.
Yes. Yeah, you don't need a tampon.
They're just these underwear
that you just bleed into.
Which I guess...
makes me a fucking inventor.
Ah! Who knew?
Should I go on Shark Tank?
Did anyone have a mom like me
who didn'treally trust tampons
and made them only wear apad? Right?
And millennials,
if you don't know what a pad is,
congratulations, and...
A pad is kind of a foot-long diaper
that you...
...coil betwixt your legs, and...
just kinda waddle around all day
wearing it, just...
Kinda always sounds like
there's a killer right behind you.
They were great. Yeah.
Little adhesive wings.
They'd always stick right to your pubes.
It was a treat.
It was a real treat. Sorry you missed it.
I'm sorry. Millennials...
Anybody remember pubes?
I miss my mom's bush.
Did you guys see your mom's bush
growing up?
It's kind of comforting, right?
The first time you see it,
I'll never forget.
I remember I walked in the bathroom
to saygoodnight. I was like, "Mom!
Oh. Hi, Mom. Good night."
I remember Mom's bush.
I also had one of those moms...
who told me,
"You only have to shaveup toyour knee."
Right? "Just shave up to your knee."
I'd say, "Mom, I'm pretty hairy up..."
The knee."
I'd be at the community pool.
People are like...
"Why is Amy wearing wool shorts?"
But I have to give it up for my mom.
She made me so confident.
She just straight lied to me as a kid.
It's tough to say "confident"...
as a woman, you know?
You put on TV.
We see all these gorgeous women.
We have to compete with what's her face,
the Mother of Dragons.
What's her name?
- Khaleesi!
- Kris Jenner. It's just...
It's tough.
It's tough out there.
No, I love the Kardashians.
The Kardashians are so confident,
they confuse me about my own confidence.
So before I was pregnant, I was
kind of like feeling myself one day,
and I bought lingerie.
the real shit.
the, you know, fishnets, and then...
like the pulley systemhere.
You know?
Thought they would've updated
that technology,
but it's still a pulley system,
and then, youknow, the boost...
Whatever it's called. And...
You know, I went. I paid for it.
I tried it on at home, you know,
where Icould take my own life, and...
In the safety of home, and...
I tried it on, and I was kind of ready
to blow my own mind.
I kind of sidled up to the mirror,
and Icheck myself out, and I was like,
This isn't for everybody.
I looked like I should have been
on Law & Order, like,
"He went that way."
My fishnets looked like
they'd caught an actual fish. It was...
It was pretty confusing.
It's tough to say "confident" as a girl.
I don't know what I'm having.
I hope it's a girl.
But really just because
it's such a scarytime for men.
Such a scary time. Men, thank you so much
for leaving your housestonight.
I just...
First responders,just...
so brave.
I don't know if men know how scared we are
as women all the time.
Like, one in three of us will be assaulted
at some point in our lives.
If you're a woman of color,
it's even more than that.
If you're a trans woman, forget it.
At night in New York,
if I take the subwayat night,
I will run home.
Women, we run home.
Not for the cardio.
It's true. When you walk to yourcar
in a dark parking lot,
what do you ladies do?
We do the littlemakeshift brassknuckle
with our key, right?
I don't know what our plan is
with that key in our knuckle.
"Oh, no, you don't!
Not on my watch. Boop-boop!" I mean...
There was a study done, and it said
that women mostly fear violence.
That's our number one fear.
And the same study
showed that men'snumber one fear...
was ridicule.
Oh... Yeah, God!
I'm so sorry. I didn't know
you guys were goingthrough that.
It must be so hard for you.
Do you guys run home?
Because you're afraid of somebody
telling alittle jokey about you?
I think that we need to start
from scratch, you know?
I'm so grateful to this new generation
of women that came along andthey're like,
"Hey, have you been gettingsexually
harassed like this your wholelives?"
And we're like,
"Oh, yeah!"
And they're like, "Yeah. You wanna
do something about that?" And we're like,
"Oh, yeah.
That's a very good idea."
They're like, "Yeah."
And we're like, "Oh."
We're so used to it, you know?
You're at work, and you're like,
"I have to make every guy think
that we also might fuck
and do a goodjob."
It's not fair.
It's not fair to men either.
You guys are raised with so much pressure
to be so masculine at such a young age.
It's bullshit.
It sucks.
It's like a six-year-old kid crying.
"Stop crying, you little pussy."
We toughen them up at a young age
so theydon't get made fun of,
and then, as littlegirls,
you're in school with these boys,
and when a little boy is mean to you
or he teases you, what does everybody say?
- He likes you.
- "He likes you."
You're like, "He knocked my books
out of my hands."
Looks like somebody
has a little boyfriend atschool.
That's a good thing."
And you're like, "Oh.
That's a good thing!
I'm the luckiest girl in school."
"He pushed me down the stairs."
"You're goingto prom!"
Right? Then we grow up
and we all havefriends who were like,
"Why do I only dateassholes?"
'Cause you've been trained to do that
since you were a toddler.
You know, we have friends who are like,
"You should see us when we're alone.
He's still really mean to me,
but it's not as embarrassing."
It doesn't occur to us
to be with someonewho's kind
until we're, like, almost dead, you know?
I mean, who cares?We're about to lose
our rights, anyway. Right, ladies?
Take 'em. I'm sick of it.
Give me my bonnet. Give me my cape.
I'm ready.
Done washing my hair all thetime.
I mean, look at us making decisions
about our own bodies.
Who do we think we are? Men?
Come on!
Decisions are hard.
Rights feel heavy.
I want people who know better than anyone
making the decisions about my body.
I want to call up Mitch McConnell
and belike, "Girl!
My discharge is brown, baby girl.
What should I do?
Chuck Grassley, I've got cramps.
Am I ovulating, queen?
Lindsey mammo-Graham, feel this.
What you think?
You guys know."
Maybe some of you heard
I got arrested inOctober.
Thank you.
Thank you.
God's work. Um...
I went down to DC to get arrested.
The different news outlets wrote about it.
Like, "Schumer's been detained,"
like I was just on a walking tour
of theWashington Monument.
But I went down there to oppose
Brett Kavanaugh's confirmation.
Thank you, sisters.
Men, you can clap too.
Spoiler alert. It didn't go our way.
The whole way down, I was really nervous
about gettingarrested.
I've been arrested before,
obviously, but...
But I was obsessed
with the fear of beinghungry.
You know, while I was locked up. So...
It probably would have been like that
before I was pregnant,
but that justdoubled it,
so the whole way down...
And, you know, we get down there, and...
it wasreally intense
and really emotional, and...
We were gonna get arrested
on the Capitol steps,
but they barricaded those,
so we all rush into the Hart Building,
where the senators' offices are,
and we all flood in this hallway,
and, you know, the banners are flying
and theCapitol police are closing in,
and we know we're about to be arrested,
and everyone's chanting,
"No justice, no peace,"
and, "We believe survivors.
We believe survivors."
And I know we're about to be arrested,
so I am...
ramming snacks in my mouth. I am...
Everyone's, "We Believe,"
and I'm...
And the Capitol police are looking at me
like, "What the fuck?" I'm like...
Just Cookie Monster,
crumbling shit on my face.
I got arrested with my friend,
Emily Ratajkowski, who's a supermodel,
like gorgeous, you know. And she's
in this hot outfit,and she's like,
"We believesurvivors,"
and I'm in a Department of Sanitation
shirt, and I'm like...
And some people criticized me.
They werelike,
"That was irresponsible. You're pregnant."
And I was like,
"That's why I went down there."
I want to be able to tell thiskid
I did everything I could.
You know?
And D.C., I heard,
has the best cocaine, so...
My friend said it's fine. Uh...
A baby.
what the fuck am I doing?
We have no idea what we're doing.
We have some books at home,
and every week, there's a terrifying video
saying what'sgoing on
in the baby'sdevelopment.
"This week,
your baby is growing fur
and eating you from the inside."
I'm glad I found a good partner,you know?
Like, he's solid as hell.
Yeah. I just... I didn't have the energy
for dating anymore, like...
Remember when you hook up with someone
the first time?
Do you remember
you used to undress each other?
Know what I'm talking about?
They do that in movies. So you're like...
It's always hard. In movies...
But you'relike, okay, a braided belt,
and there isthe silver thing.
And then, oh, a button fly.
I'll just kind of yank it.
And your sock. Am I in fucking retail?
Take your own shitoff.
My back hurts.
I was in bed with my husband
the other night.
I was holding our dog,
and my husband just took off my underwear.
And I looked over at him and I was like,
"Oh, no."
That's crazy, you know.
He was kind of like,
"Okay." Like he didn't give a shit
too much, youknow.
And we're lying there, and I'm like...
"Can you put my underwear back on?"
Such sad foreshadowing watching him,
like, dress my lifeless body.
We were at the gynecologist
a couple months ago,
and I asked, "Is it safe to have sex
while pregnant?" And she was like,
"Yes, it is safe to have sex
through thewhole pregnancy."
And I was like,
"We'll be seeking a second opinion."
That's fucking...
I was trying to signal her, you know.
Do you think it's safe...
for us to have sex?
Do you think it would probably kill
the babyand we shouldn't do it?"
She's like,
"No, it's safe the whole time."
I was like, "Okay. Okay."
Do you want me to come to your house
to tell your husband he can fuck you?
'Cause people tell you.
You're like, wow, that was fast.
"Last time we saw you,
you were single,Amy,
and you already
don't want to fuck your husband?"
I usually do, but I have hyperemesis.
And you know everyone says,
"When you get married,
get ready to stop having sex."
And we were like, "Not us.
We're fucking for life," you know.
Now he, like, touches my shoulder
on thecouch, and I'm like,
"Can I help you?
I'm over here. You're over there."
The spontaneity is over.
Thank God.
You know,
when you're first falling in love,
like you might alwayshave sex.
Every time you pee,
you've gotta make sure you clean
the toilet paper out of yourpussy.
Every time you pee.
Every time.
That is over. I have, like,
half a rollof Charmin in thereright now.
I'm psyched to be done. I am.
Especially dating someone new, you know.
And I'm glad I married someone,
he's my age. We're the same age, so...
You know, we both grew up
without Internet porn.
That's a huge deal, right?
Like, you know,
now I feel like you can't
fuck a millennial without them being like,
"Can you dress like an emoji?"
You're like, "No!"
What the fuck?
And there's so many
different typesof porn. It's crazy.
One of the biggest searches is "gag porn."
Have you heard of that?
That's where the girl gags
on the guy'spenis
because it's too darn big.
I personally never had the plesh.
I just wanted to remind you thatI've
never struggled with it, even though...
You remember the size of my mouth, right?
Do you remember how big my mouth is?
Just like a tiny bow. You could put...
Okay, yeah. You remember.
Gag porn. Like that one...
That one is strange to me.
Like you'reclicking
on all thesedifferent windows.
Nothing, nothing.
And then a girl's like...
And you're like,
"Mmm, wait a minute.
What have we here?"
Maximize screen. "Okay. Okay."
If you're into gag porn,
you should'vebeen living at my house
the last five months.
You'd be hard as arock.
Something else I won't miss,
and this is my PSA...
to men.
A lot of men don't really understand
how to put themselves inside you.
Not really. Even missionary.
They're... You know, they're...
It's the wrong hole,or not a hole.
You're like,
"You have to use an existing hole, sir."
You're not going to confuse my body
into makinga new hole.
But most guys can figure it out,
but youreally realize that
they don't understand where our hole goes
when they're behindyou, right?
'Cause during some sex,
it's always I don't know whose suggestion
to notlook at your face anymore.
"How about you turn around?" "Oh, okay."
You look back over the shoulder,
they're like,
"Nope!" You're like, "Okay.
I'll be here."
That's when you know because
there's a whole population of men
who, once they getback there behind you,
they'll kneel back there
and just wait.
Dick in the wind.
And you're up here, like...
"Uh... We're rolling."
And you realize
that he's waiting for you...
who's on all fours... reach back...
and put him inside you.
You're like, "Oh, you want me to...?
Oh, Okay. Uh...
I'll just use my head as,
like, a kickstand, just...
Yeah. No, it makes sense.
I have thebetter angle here.
You want to back the garage
up to the car, is what...?"
Nope, it's fine. You've had a long day
making more money thanme. Here I come."
my husband does not have that problem.
of that joke.
I know I talk so much shit about, uh,
my pregnancy, and it has not been easy,
but we're so fucking excited,
and I dofeel really lucky
that I was able to getpregnant.
So I...
was single, you know,
most of my life, and felt pretty happy.
I love my family and friends, and I feel
really satisfied with work, and...
kind of had accepted that, you know?
And then I just happened...
to meet this guy,
and if you're out thereand you're dating
and you're just thinking,
"Why can't I meet the right one?" It'snot
that you haven't met the right one yet.
I wish someone had told me this.
It's notthat you haven'tmet
the right one yet. It's just...
that you have to wait...
for them to get tired.
No one told me, right?
Because men in their20s and their 30s
are just runningaround.
And then their late 30s,
they're like, "Oh, God!
Phew. Oh, God!"
And that's when you come along
and yougo...
"Come on."
And they're like, "Where are we going?"
And you're like...
"We're going to sit on the couch
and watchBravo till we die."
Thank you so much, Chicago.
I love you.
I realized how ashamed I was of my period.
Excuse me. The baby.
Right now, every fart's a gamble.
Fart roulette.
My money's on brown. Um...
So they're flashing a light that says
that Ineed to get some makeup
because I'msweating like a monster.
All right.
You guys can only see
that I'm sweating here,
but if there was a camera in my asshole...
This is all my hair I bought.
There are these two people
right in the front row here.
I'm not going to look at them,
but these two people. And like...
They're, like, truly horrified
by everything I'm saying.
I'm like, "Did you guys think
you were seeing Godspell?" Okay.
I promise it's not going to get
any better,you guys.