An Accidental Zombie (Named Ted) (2017) Movie Script

[Frank] You take the skin
particles that others
are done with, you know from
morgues, hospitals, spas.
We repurpose them.
Boil them down,
mix them together
and make useful things
out of them.
Like eyeglass cases,
fancy purses, beautiful
lingerie, you name it,
we can make it.
Yes, I've done some research on
the company. Very impressive.
We're on a mission, Bonnie. It's a
mission that's worth the stink in here.
What's that smell like to you?
Rotting corpse
of a water buffalo maybe?
You know what
it smells like to me?
Smells like money.
That noise?
It's from the basement.
The skin boilers are down there,
in hell, as we like to call it.
And it is hot down there.
Things don't work out for
you up here, we'll send you
to hell to be a boiler.
That was a joke, Bonnie.
You're gonna have to
grow a sense of humor
if you're gonna
survive around here.
Can't really promise you're
gonna survive though, Bonnie.
- Can you guess what my suit's made out of?
- Skin?
Very good, smarty pants. A couple of old
folks moved down to the glorious afterlife
and voil, haute couture.
Anyway, we're on a new program
that's working like a charm.
We're telling the folks around
here, don't be a zombie.
Don't be a zombie.
I came up with that.
It's really funny.
Hi. Sorry to bother you,
Mr. Lee, I had a
little accident on the
way in this morning.
So the [indistinct] report
isn't going to be ready today.
Little accident is what happened
the day you were born, Ted.
I want that report on my desk
first thing Monday morning.
You got it.
I'm sorry.
Is he...?
A zombie?
A zombie.
[Frank] Never gets old.
Hey, you ready, man?
Stephanie wants me to take her
somewhere exotic on vacation.
- Obviously, I'm not taking her to the Caribbean.
- What? Why?
Doesn't seem that'd
be good for you. [sniffles]
What, you mean
the skin thing?
Ricky, for all we know I could
have gotten this on the plane.
And besides, the skin issues
tend to run in my family.
Yes, but you're adopted.
Still... I'm totally fine.
[big thump]
Hi, Ricky, Ted.
I'm eating alone because
Dave's not coming back.
Dave from accounting?
That guy's good.
Where'd he go?
I don't... Who knows?
Seriously. [wheezing]
I guess he won't be winning
best worker anymore.
I hope he isn't eaten
by the zombies, Ted.
What's that supposed to mean?
So, my mom thinks this is
really it for my Poppy.
Sorry to hear that,
I know how close you are
to him.
But it seems like he's been
dying ever since I've known you.
Yes, well he's bloody sick.
Have you always said that?
- Say what?
- The word bloody.
I've never heard you say that.
Yeah, I say that sometimes.
[joyful music]
I'm sorry, I didn't
know anyone was in here.
I was just trying to get
out of the sunlight.
Disorders of a paranormal,
what does it even mean?
Hell if I know.
[rhythmic string music]
Fucking zombies.
[happy jazz piano]
- Are you okay?
- Yes.
Good morning, everyone.
I am Dr. Lovido.
Welcome to group therapy
my good friend and mentor.
Dr. Sigmund Freud likes to say,
"Sex health"! [laughs]
But enough about me. I didn't
go to school for years and years
to talk about me, let's talk
about you and why you're here.
Wolfgang, why don't you
tell us about you?
help yourself to goodies.
Well, I'm a
motherfucking werewolf.
I got something called
alopecia, which means
I lost all my hair
except for my eyebrows.
Oh, Shit.
I fell in love with this girl named
Katherina. She was fine, you know?
She was a beautiful shoe. We
spent our days as man and woman,
and our nights in the wild.
Then, one night, the
[INDISTINCT] didn't come,
I looked over and
Katherina was gone.
It's okay.
It's OK. Ok.
Who wants to be next?
Grendel here.
It's my name.
Would you mind if I sit
near the door?
[Dr. Lovido] Of course.
Stay out of the way.
Thank you.
Do we have an adorable
claustrophobe in our midst?
Well, it's not so adorable when
you're a cave-dwelling troll.
In this world of slow and
temerity creatures, ours is
the slowest and dumbest of
them all. Life was great.
But then, I developed this
condition, I started to fear the
caves, eventually, I couldn't
even go in them at all.
I became obsessed and
started just exploring the
world, and that caused
my brain to develop.
So the only way I can go home
to my family
is if you fix me, ma'am.
It's going
to be okay, Grendel.
First things first.
If you've been reading,
I recommend you to
stop that right away.
I was afraid you're gonna
say that, and I'm almost done.
Can I just do that last...
Literally like the last
- I'm almost...
- No.
Just the
last fucking chapter.
That was great.
Feels like it's not.
- Okay, Elvie, why don't you tell us about you.
- I'm a fairy.
Well, I used to be
a fairy, I don't even
know what to call
myself now, I'm so big.
I lost my wings to
a curious toddler.
Elvie, you must believe you will
always be a fairy at heart.
- You have lessons you can take...
- Hello, sister dear.
What are
you doing here, Nora?
I'm the real Dr. Lovido.
I'm the psychiatrist.
Leave it.
Leave it.
I'm right
down the hall if any
of you want to come
see a real doctor.
Unlike my sister here,
she likes to
call herself doctor.
Don't you, Candy?
Adorable. Your patients
are so sweet, Candy.
It's too bad you sweet
people can't have
any of these medications
which I have
because your doctor
isn't a real doctor.
You know
I've always hated you.
You were always
mother's favorite.
Well, I'll be heading back
to my office now.
The nice one down the hall
with the donuts.
Wrong room, Mr. Matthews.
You know where to find me.
[happy jazz piano]
She seems really nice.
I'm gonna need another
[choking - coughs]
[pop music]
Ow, ow!
Dad. What?
What's going on?
Things are not good, Ted.
Linda's still here
and it doesn't
seem like she's going anywhere.
We need you to say something.
Why me?
You're full and strong, Ted.
Talk to him, Jorge.
I'm gonna get the juice.
I paid my dues, okay?
Your mother and I are taking
the brunt of this here.
What kind of father is okay with
his son possibly losing an arm?
What kind of a son is okay with
their father losing two arms?
Sshh, Dad. I know she's not
a very powerful sorceress yet.
- That's easy for you to say.
- I'm sorry, okay?
I'm sorry, but I think she's
gonna get bored and move on
and Poppy's always said that he
doesn't want to get married again.
In the meantime, I'm
target practice here.
She has got to go.
Hi, Linda.
Hi, Poppy.
Look who finally
come to visit.
I'm dying here, asshole.
Poppy, don't want
to work during the week.
I bet you're hoping you don't
have to do that anymore
after I die. Last night, I was
counting the money,
I figured I'm worth
about 24 million now.
If I keep getting lucky
on the stock market.
Now, who should I give all
that money to after I die?
Sweetie, you will
need at least 20 million
human-earned dollars to become
a legitimate sorceress.
Remember the old saying,
sorceresses without extreme
human-earned wealth are but
sheep with beautiful faces.
- Uh... Poppy...
- Shut up, kid.
Don't ruin this moment.
Get your daddy a drink,
All right, mom.
Here, Teddy, have some juice.
[clears throat] We had a
family meeting
and we all agree that it's time
for you to settle down.
What I'm trying to
say, Teddy is,
a wife doesn't want her husband
to be a zombie.
Nobody wants
to marry a weirdo.
I'm not a weirdo
and I'm not a zombie.
You guys
even know what a zombie is?
You don't really know a zombie
until you had sex with one.
I know what a zombie is.
I've read about it
on a computer.
It's disgusting is what it is.
You're a generation in denial, son.
Nobody gets married anymore. You're
just hopping from bed to bed, huh?
Jorge! Now, Teddy didn't get
that from having sex.
Did you, Ted?
Say hello to
your next president
and first lady, I mean ladies.
Come on, girl.
Do you know how expensive
running for office is, Poppy?
Only the wealthiest
people can do it.
Oh, yeah?
That should put our
family on the map, huh?
You know Pop, by the way,
just in case you all
forgot, I am running
on a platform of
blow everybody up that does
not think America is the
greatest country ever.
I call it America or boom.
America or boom, baby.
- Boom! Boom!
- Boom!
Now, that's some bullshit
right there,
because ain't nobody
gonna vote for no black man
to blow up the world.
Jean, Jean, Jean.
Jenny the Jean.
You don't get it, do you?
We are going to save the world.
While me and your sister
is doing that, you're just
gonna sit over there with
your one-armed husband.
No disrespect, man. All my
greatest heroes are one-armed,
but just sitting there and nagging
that we ain't doing it right.
She ain't doing it right.
America or boom, baby.
Now, who's getting
naked with me?
Come on.
That's gonna be my
mission as first lady.
What's that, baby?
Nudity is freedom.
Freedom is nudity.
Come here, girl!
Get the motherfuckers
off my table.
That's enough.
- Sit down, you two.
- Okay.
Forgive me, everybody.
I'm sorry.
Forgive me for just trying to
make love to my wife
at the dinner table.
I thought we was all family.
Have I ever told you all about the
first time I ever got naked in public?
- [all] Yes.
- Life changer.
I was there that day, remember?
I saw how your life changed.
Look at that boy's skin.
- I think it's getting worse.
- Excuse me?
I'm sorry. I didn't realize
you could hear me.
I'm sitting right
across the table from you.
Bradley, you know skin
problems run in this family.
- I mean, we all have them.
- That's the truth.
Poppy and I are
talking about getting married.
Wha, wha, what?
- What?
- There's no hurry.
I mean, we're gonna be in
love forever anyways.
Yeah, I mean, there's no sense
in rushing anything, Pop.
- I mean, you and I like being bachelors, right?
- My man.
Chili boom.
Chili boom.
[screaming and shouting]
What the hell, son? Your
furniture is a piece of crap.
It's not
the furniture, it's...
It's not the furniture,
Poppy. It's...
Wo, wo, wo.
Remember, chili boom, chili bam.
Look, Teddy. Teddy, take this
from your uncle, okay?
You got to always watch
out for red flags.
No, not you baby.
You're not a red flag.
You are a red,
white, and blue flag
flying over the east wing
of my heart.
I'm talking about real red flags.
The ones that will just pop out
- of a nice pretty package like boom.
- Boom!
Just pop out when you least
expect it like, boom, boom.
Red flag, red flag, red flag.
Seven of them in a row.
- Teddy, my boy. Some more coupons.
- Thanks, Pop.
I know you've been having a
hard time so I want to help out.
I appreciate it.
Thank you, Poppy.
The only thing is,
if I find out you're
a zombie, that's it, no
more coupons, Teddy.
- Poppy, I'm not a zombie.
- All right.
I'm not a zombie.
Poppy, I'm not a zombie.
Zombies are funny.
Carrie, you ain't
nothing but a damn fool.
You know what they say,
zombies are quite comical.
What the hell we got to
do to get some food around here?
Jorge, be a good boy
and bring mama
and Linda another martini
while you're in there.
I got your momma.
Did you see that?
I wish she would. Trust me.
I wish she would.
Don't be silly, Bradley. Jorge is
doing the best he can with one arm.
And I'm pretty sure he
doesn't want to know
what life would be
like with no arms.
This woman's voice
is music to my ears.
It must be deaf ears.
[under her breath]
- Ricky.
- Hi, honey.
Oh, God, why is it
always so smoky in here?
It's just the
machines downstairs.
Oh, yeah?
It's not good for my hair.
God, is there no other
cubicle you can
sit in that's not
next to a zombie?
Excuse me?
Ted is not a zombie.
Look at his forehead.
I am not a zombie.
[screams] Oh, God.
Stephanie, Ted is not
a zombie and you know it.
All right, he's got
a disease or something.
Thanks, man.
I'm sitting right here.
- Skin thing, whatever.
- Right. You know what?
It doesn't matter because
I came down here
to tell you
that we're done, okay?
It is over, Ricky.
You never even taken
me on a vacation.
- Trust me, vacations are not...
- Shh!
You don't
deserve me, Ricky.
I am diamonds and you
are a fucking rock.
You're my diamond.
- Not anymore.
- Stephanie!
So, Joe is gone.
Yes. Mel, I'm
a little busy right now.
Will you vote for me
for best worker?
- Yeah, I'll vote for you.
- Because you're not gonna get it, right?
I'll vote for you.
- Oh, seriously?
- Right. Okay.
People are saying Ted ate Joe.
Did not eat Joe, Mel.
Ricky, look, if you
need a place to stay,
you know you can always
crash in my place... again.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
What's happening to me?
Oh, God, oh God.
- It's you. What's up?
- Hey, dude. I got us some beer and chips.
The essentials, perfect.
Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Hey, thanks for letting me stay here, dude.
Yes, you can stay here as long as
you need to. You know that, right?
Yes, except I'm
not sleeping too well
so I probably should
find my own place.
Yes, well, you can't sleep on
your buddy's chair forever.
So, did you
go see the doctor?
For what?
- For the skin thing?
- Yeah. And...
And what?
Ted, are you...
I think you should see someone.
Something is wrong.
All right.
What are you doing?
- Ted, what are you doing?
- What?
What are you freaking out about?
You have something in your hair.
What did you think
I was gonna do?
You freak me out, man.
[rhythmic music]
I wouldn't.
[singing - making up lyrics]
- Is that how that song goes?
- No.
[Frank] I got skin for
days here, Bonnie.
Where is my loofa?
- Hey, Ricky.
- Hey.
These are
for the Texas team.
- Thanks, Bonnie.
- Mhm...
Are you okay?
Yes, I'm fine.
Mr. Lee is a weed, but a weed
is just an unloved flower.
- What?
- It's Ella Wheeler Wilcox.
Anyway, Mr. Lee may be just an unloved
flower, but I took a look at those
before sending the out because
today he is an unloved flower
on a rampage.
That makes today
different from what day?
Looks like you've been doing
some good work there, Bonnie.
Oh, thank you.
I'm also gonna
get the best worker.
- Sorry. [chuckles]
- What?
It's a competition
we have going on,
the best worker competition.
You've probably
seen the sign.
Yes, Mr. Lee
told me about it.
What? Did he tell you
you we're gonna win it?
Did he?
Because it would be
ultra not cool if he did.
Can I show you something
in the basement?
Mel, I'm sure
Bonnie is probably busy.
Yes, yes, I am pretty busy,
but maybe another time?
Later today or tomorrow?
Mel, What's got into you?
Ted want's to eat your
brains, by the way.
No, I don't.
You may have
eaten Dave and Joe.
I did not eat Dave and Joe.
You may have
eaten Joe and Dave.
- I did not eat Joe and Dave.
- He's got a problem.
Why you keep telling
the whole f###ing...
Freeze. Police.
I'm Sgt. Angus and
this is my partner Sgt. Zeus.
- Like the Greek god Zeus?
- Just like the Greek god Zeus, yes.
Exactly. We need to ask you
folks some questions on account
of the two missing persons
who used to work here.
Dave and Joe?
They were my friends.
Okay, very good.
Do you know where they are?
- Missing. Ted is a zombie.
- Oh, my God.
- He is...
- Okay, that is enough. I am not a zombie.
- I'm not a zombie.
- It's true, yes.
What's wrong
with your skin, boy?
Excuse me?
Okay, first of all,
that's none of your business,
and second of all
skin issues tend to run
in my family, okay?
- So, that's what it is.
- That's disgusting.
We will be back with further
questions for all of you.
So, I suggest none of you take
any vacations any time soon.
- Wow.
- Get back to work, people.
Frank's gonna
come any minute.
Bonnie, loofa.
[eerie noises]
[car alarm]
No, stay away,
away from me.
Bonnie, I'm so sorry.
[sighs] Are you okay?
You don't look like
you've been sleeping.
I'm still
sleeping on Ted's chair
until I could find
a place of my own.
Well, my roommate and I are
looking for another roommate.
If you put the knife down
we'd love to
have you moving in with us.
Where have you been?
[sighs] Drop some
stuff off in the basement.
[roaring sound effects]
[Frank through speaker] Bonnie,
Where the fuck is my loofa?
See you guys.
Ted, what the fuck?
You need help, man.
- That is not normal.
- What?
- Sorry, Ted. You just don't...
- Wendy's gone.
- So much cringe, where'd she go?
- Who's Wendy?
- Where'd she go?
- Wait, wait, the singing intern?
- She just walked by.
- Yes, she was an ultra good worker too.
Sure hope there isn't a
zombie going around
eating people.
Why? Why are you guys
looking at me? Seriously.
- I'm gonna go back to my...
- I'm not a zombie.
- [making scared sounds]
- I'm not a zombie.
- Stop.
- [making scared sounds]
To work with
these kind of people...
I think I'm gonna [indistinct]
I'm gonna write you up.
Olivia, tell
the group about yourself.
Okay, I've been feeling weird
since I got back from Romania.
Some things have changed,
most noticeably my teeth.
And I'm really strong.
People seem to think
I'm a vampire,
which I clearly am not.
Just because
I have pointed teeth
and I like to eat my meat rare.
Olivia, are you feeling
the urge to bite people?
I've thought about it,
but no more than anyone else.
I would never do anything
that would hurt someone.
You have to believe me.
I believe you.
Thank you.
[Dr. Lovido] Ted.
Oh, uh, right.
Well, to be completely
honest I'm only here
Well, I saw Olivia carrying
bowling balls into
my work, and I just
wanted to talk to her.
I work at the bowling alley,
moving the balls around.
So, Ted, you're not here because
you want help with anything?
Well, I mean, nobody's perfect.
This skin thing I picked up in
the Caribbean, for example.
Yes, my family is crazy.
Of course.
I also like my meat rare.
You do?
Well, perhaps
you two should both
consider a multivitamin
with iron in it.
Also try masturbation.
Pickle anyone?
Maybe I could make dinner
for you Saturday night?
Yes, okay.
I'm in.
What? Oh. No.
I'm sorry, Grendel.
I was talking to Olivia.
Yes, I'd like that.
[upbeat music]
And then, we're
gonna change the oval
office to a triangle,
or a rectangle, or...
- Diamond.
- Diamond! Exactly, diamond. Something like that.
You know, just to keep everybody
on their toes.
- Ain't that right, babe?
- Mmm.
And every Friday
is gonna be
no foreigner Friday, of course.
I can't wait, my
big, strong president.
I love you best in a top hat,
and nothing else.
Oh, and just to be clear
with everybody,
when she said in a top hat,
I'm not
wearing it on my head.
- Teddy, did you lose your hair comb?
- No, ma, this is the new style.
You might at least want to
put some conditioner in there.
Here, try
this Infinite Naturals.
This stuff is great, and it
works well on everything.
Okay, Okay, I...
Okay, I can do it. Stop.
Teddy, Teddy, Teddy.
Listen to your mother.
Never tested on animals.
Infinite Naturals
[All] naturally infinite.
Don't use too much.
Ted, you should get a wife.
The fuck does
he need a wife for?
- Well, I am seeing someone.
- [All] What?
- Yeah.
- Oooh, thank you, God.
- Please don't tell me she's a goblin.
- No.
Stop it, mama.
My son isn't like that.
Not that there would be anything
wrong with it if you were.
When do we get
to meet her, baby?
Well, I was
thinking of inviting her
- to come with me to dinner one night.
- [All] Oh, dinner!
- If I do, you all need to behave.
- Of course.
We're just
regular people, baby.
- She's very sensitive.
- That could be a problem.
Like that. Why are you doing...
Uncle Bradley, you can't be
doing that at the dinner
table when she's here.
That's weird.
I can't be doing this?
- Can I do that?
- No.
- How about...
- No.
All right.
I apologize, everybody.
I did not know the new
rules of this family.
Forgive me for gently
caressing, tweaking
and [smacking his lips] my wife
at the dinner table.
I don't know who this
damn family is anymore.
What's wrong with her?
She's not a weirdo, is she?
No, there's nothing wrong
with her,
and she's not a bloody
Have you always said that?
- Said what?
- Never mind.
She's beautiful.
[spooky music]
She is a vampire.
- A vampire?
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
Teddy, are
you doing a vampire?
No, she looks like
a vampire, but she's not...
- [sighs] Dude.
- [coughs]
What do you have, what did you
bring for lunch today?
I haven't had time to eat.
I'm such an ultra... [spits]
- Mel.
- Mel.
You really need
to stop doing that.
I'm such an ultra hard worker.
Yes, that's nice.
- Can you guys... [spits]
- Mel!
Can you guys vote for me for
best worker next week?
Is that next week?
Yes, we'll vote for you.
- Mel, can you...
- [Bonnie] Hey, guys.
- Oh, shit.
- [Ricky] Hey, Bonnie.
Okay, but I got to go.
Can I show you something
in the basement?
Never mind. It's
also uninteresting.
What's up?
I'll show you later.
So, Ted, Ricky tells me
that you've really hit it
off with that chick Olivia.
She's perfect.
I've never met anyone like her.
That's really cool.
So how's things for
the two roommates?
Ricky is amazing.
He made dinner last night.
- Oh, did he?
- Mhm.
Well, she... You have to work late.
She had to work late.
Bonnie is working on a
huge project for Samson.
- Frank Lee's boss?
- Yes.
He found out
about my qualifications
and needed some work done, so...
And you know, she's got an MBA
so she's more qualified
to run this place
than Frank Lee is.
[laughs] He's got his own
running circles around him.
That's... wow.
It couldn't happen to
a bigger ass than Frank Lee.
Speaking of which,
I've got some stuff
that I need to finish up
for him before lunch.
- So, see you guys later.
- See you later.
- What?
- [chuckles] Exactly "what".
Dude, I haven't heard you
mention Stephanie in weeks.
Honestly, I'm not even thinking
about Stephanie anymore.
When she calls, it goes
straight to voicema...
Meet me in hell.
Bring the girl.
Mel, just cut
it out, all right?
You're starting to
freak everyone out.
- Me?
- Yes.
Well, at least I'm not
a zombie who eats people.
Ted, [stammering] are you?
I'm sorry.
I don't know what's got into me.
You need to get some help.
I'm just sick and tired
of people calling me a zombie.
You're a zombie, Ted.
[eerie music]
[distorted voice]
What have you done, Ted?
[eerie sounds]
[eerie sounds]
[distorted laughter]
Ted, what's wrong?
That was a bad dream.
You're not dreaming anymore.
Thank God for that.
I dreamt
my whole family was dead.
My God.
That's scary.
Yes, it was.
Speaking of which,
would you want to come over
on Friday and meet them?
Yes, I'd love to.
Tell me about Romania.
Well, it wasn't
at all what I expected.
I met a guy there, a botanist.
He wouldn't go out at all
during the day.
A night botanist, huh?
[Olivia] I would wake up in
the middle of the night and
find him staring at me, with
an odd look on his face.
Olivia, have you
ever felt that maybe
Dragonmere was a...
Well, that he was a...
A what?
Never mind.
Tell me about your
trip to the Caribbean.
Well, I went to this touristy
voodoo thing, you know.
While they were doing this good
luck ritual,
things got kind of... weird.
Welcome to voodoo for you
and the celebration of luck.
I will now give you good luck.
[man] What the
fuck did you do now?
Oh, my God.
I haven't been feeling so
good ever since I've been back.
[car radio playing music]
Such a gentleman.
Oh, I try to be.
Olivia, this is my dad, Jorge,
and my mom, Jean.
- Nice to meet you.
- What's wrong with your teeth?
- Mom.
- Your mom is just trying to make
some small talk with
your new friend.
- She's my girlfriend, dad.
- We'll see about that.
Come on in, kids,
let's go have some juice.
- That is a vampire.
- What?
Olivia is not a vampire.
I am not a vampire.
Hey, Teddy, I got
more coupons for you.
Thanks, Poppy.
You must be Olivia.
I'm Tete Carey, and this
is his uncle Bradley.
The future president of the
United States of America.
It's a
pleasure to meet you.
Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
What in God's name.
I'ma have a heart attack.
I'm the one who's dying here,
not you.
All you motherfuckers
care about is my will.
Pop, you know how expensive
it is to become president.
And what a good president
you'll be.
America, boom!
Boom! Boom! Boom!
Your hand's healed.
The healing power
of your booty, baby.
And, young lady, did you notice?
I never once fondled
my wife's titties
at the dining room table.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm proud of you.
- Shut the fuck up.
- Oh, oh, oh Jeez...
Shut up.
You shut the fuck up too.
Hey, Poppy.
Poppy, look at me. Hey.
Put the gun down.
So, anybody else...
Anybody else peckish?
Anybody hungry?
I'm hungry, anybody?
[Tete] I could eat.
Jean, what's for dinner?
Hope it's not their casserole.
Tastes more like asserole.
You people don't like
the food here, you can leave.
Okay, do you hear me?
I have just about enough
of all this bullshit.
Ted, I don't know about
all this vampire,
zombie nonsense,
whatever it is,
but it's not gonna happen in my
family, you understand?
- It's gonna stop right now.
- You're damn right.
I'm still in charge
of this house.
Wait, Olivia!
Don't leave,
she's gonna bite you.
She's gonna bite you.
Hi, this is Olivia, leave me a
message and I'll call you back.
- [scream]
- Oh, shit!
You don't look so good.
Love got you down?
Oh God, Olivia, there you are, I've
been looking all over for you.
This place is so creepy.
Are you okay?
I mean, I have your shoe.
Look, Olivia, I'm sorry, okay?
Please forgive me.
I shouldn't have
taken you there.
What is wrong with them?
They're crazy.
They think I'm a vampire.
Yes, well,
they think I'm a zombie.
My God, Ted,
you are a zombie, okay.
You're in denial and I guess I'm
a fool for thinking I could
trust a zombie, you're probably
just interested in my brains.
Yes, well, for your information,
I think you're a vampire
and I suppose all you're
interested in is my blood, right?
Then, go ahead, Olivia, bite me.
Oh, I'm so tempted.
Yes, well, I'm tempted
to eat your brains.
Well, then go ahead, eat my brains,
Ted, you zombie, eat them.
Are you okay,
Olivia, did I hurt you?
I'm sorry.
Olivia, are you okay?
No, no, I'm okay.
I would never want
to hurt you, okay.
I love you.
What the hell
are we gonna do?
You're a zombie and I'm
a fucking vampire.
Yes, well, I guess
it all make sense now.
You understood why I'm tempted
to bite people's heads.
I want to bite
your neck so bad.
How did this happen?
I don't want
to hurt anyone, Ted.
Neither do I.
Let's make a pact.
Like a blood pact?
No, probably
not a good idea.
Pinky pact.
Nobody has to die.
Nobody that
isn't already dead.
Promise you'll
stay with me forever?
Forever could be
a really long time for us.
[soft music]
Thank you.
Hi, Wolfgang.
Hey, Ted.
Hey, Olivia.
Watch out for the alligators.
They're terrifying.
I love you, Ted.
Well, if it isn't
Lazy one and Lazy two.
I don't get it.
It's a Dr. Seuss
reference, dipshit.
Anyway, I'm just coming by to
make sure some work is getting
done around here, that nobody's
being a zombie.
[laughs and coughs]
That is funny stuff,
come on [laughs].
Best worker competition's right
around the corner, you know.
Best worker, best worker.
Over here [laughs].
Yes, I am working so ultra hard.
It is exhausting.
What are you working on?
Me? I'm working on the numbers
for stateside, sir.
Spreadsheet for your
afternoon meeting, sir.
Very good.
Better be careful, you just
might win best worker.
No, that's me.
I'm really not
worried about that.
Nor should you be.
You're gonna lose.
So funny... [laughs]
I get it.
- Funny guy.
- You're the boss. Funny.
Hey. I think I deserve
a little respect around here.
You might want to comb your
hair once in a while, Ted.
Anyway, seems
like you two are getting
along pretty well with my
new secretary, Bonnie.
Yes, she's really nice.
Just not so sure
how smart old Bon-Bon is,
you know what I'm saying?
You don't know
how smart she is?
Frank, what is that?
I mean, what is that?
Is that another one
of your stupid jokes?
You can call me
Lazy one or Lazy two or any
other names that you want,
but you leave Bonnie alone.
Bonnie is not the best worker.
I suggest you watch
how you talk
to me if you want to
keep your job.
You can call me Mr. Lee.
- Mr. Lee.
- Yes?
I've found your loofa.
Also need you to sign
a few things for me.
Hey, you might want to tell your
boyfriend here to watch his...
What was that all about?
Well, old Ricky here
just kicked Frank Lee's...
ass, is what he did.
- Really?
- Yes.
That is pretty sexy.
Are you coming to lunch?
Yes, I'll meet
you guys over there.
[background noise]
Ted, you've got to
help me get Bonnie to
the basement for
a surprise before Monday.
What's the surprise now
and what's going on Monday?
I'll get that.
Monday is when they
announce best worker.
You know Bonnie's deciding that, right? Is
that why you want to give her something?
What? Then she will... Then
she'll ultra choose herself.
- This is...
- No. No, Mel, she can't choose herself.
She can't be best worker.
She has to count all the votes,
and then if there's a tie, she
gets to decide who wins it.
That is not... [laughing]
So not what I thought.
This is ultra interesting,
see you later.
Can I have that?
There's something
I need to say.
I know all of you have known for
a while now, but
I am a zombie.
A zombie?
Yep, a zombie named Ted.
I'm feeling
pretty dumb these days.
Excellent, Grendel,
I am so happy for you.
I am a vampire.
I knew that.
These lollipops I always suck on,
I make them myself out of blood.
See, I knew you guys would
think that was gross.
Ted, how is this knowledge affecting
the way you feel about Olivia?
Doesn't matter to me.
I have the cutest
patients [laughs].
I guess eating
bloody pops isn't
as a big deal
as I thought it was.
Do you have to
call them that?
Where do you
get the blood from?
The hospital usually,
the morgue too.
Hey, are you okay?
That's actually
a really good idea, honey.
- That way, no one has to die.
- Yes.
Your little ploy of making
me slip on ice cream down
the steps may have worked,
Candy, but I am still alive.
Not only that, but the handsome
doctor who bandaged me up
was none other than your
high school sweetheart.
The one that got away [laughs].
We made passionate love
when he was done.
None of my
patients listen to me.
Mr. Van Tadan, can you please
go back to my office right now.
I don't need you, Norah.
Yes, you do.
- I don't. No.
- You do. Yes.
- I don't!
- You do!
I don't need you!
Yes, you do.
I don't [screaming].
How's my
favorite secretary doing?
About to put in her notice.
Say what, why?
I applied for
Frank's job and I got it.
[laughs] They've been grooming her
for this, and Frank has no idea.
- Oh, man!
- We all deserve some changes around here.
What's today?
It's a trick question [laughs].
Today is the day that
someone ultra special
gets the trophy for
the best worker.
I hope you get it.
Hey, you know,
I voted for you, Mel.
So did I.
I like zombies.
Just don't eat my brains, Ted.
I don't want to
eat your brains, Mel.
Guys, I don't want to
hurt anybody.
All right, look, I realize
I've been in denial.
And this is more than
just a skin thing.
Obviously, I am a zombie.
I'm sorry for freaking
you guys out so much.
Well, I guess
now is as a good a time
as any to hand out the
best worker trophy.
Okay, Frank Lee
asked me to do the
presentation, so if everyone
would gather around.
The votes have been
tallied and so without
further ado, the best
worker award goes to...
Thank God, I got the award.
Me trying to do...
I'm so happy.
- Okay, Mel. Okay, Mel!
- Thank you.
Here you go,
you certainly deserve this.
- You are a very hard worker.
- You feel good, thank you.
I don't think anybody else deserves
this award more than you do.
Thank you.
Police with captives.
Melthius Corpus Lithium.
That's me.
What kind
of name is that?
- Oh, well... It's Californian.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Make sense.
Now maybe you can tell us
why we found these missing
people locked in a room in the
basement of this building?
Well, they got food.
I gave them food.
The food
actually wasn't that bad.
We've got a rodent problem
down there.
It also gets
really cold at night.
It does
get cold, it got cold.
I gave them blankets.
And they were thin.
No, thanks. They were thin.
To be fair, Mel did get me
a lovely birthday gift.
That was super.
Thank you.
Yes, but these peoples' families
have been missing them.
Well, they can all go home now
because I'm best worker now.
Thanks, hold the applause.
Hold on, that's
what this is all about?
You locked these people
in a basement so that
- they couldn't win the best worker trophy?
- Uh, yeah.
- Give me that trophy.
- No, no.
- No, no...
- Yes.
You don't deserve it.
Thank you.
Mel, you can't win best worker if
you lock people up in a basement.
- I didn't know that.
- Does anyone know
what Jimi Hendrix is saying
in Purple Haze?
Never mind all that.
Melthius, none of these people
have decided to press charges.
Which means, we are not
going to arrest you today.
But I suggest you don't do anything
like this ever again, you hear me?
I hear you.
Hear you.
Mel, and
whoever is going to be
the one that wins the
best worker trophy,
it's gonna be a person who doesn't
lock their co-workers in a basement.
- Yeah.
- Sorry, guys.
Sometimes other people
have to win the trophy.
Mel, if I can be a zombie
and not eat people, I think
you can be the best worker
here and not lock people up.
All right, yes, I'm
a zombie, all right.
Get over it.
Let's get
out of here, sergeant.
Be good.
Captives [claps] be gone.
All right Poppy old man,
let's get this party started.
I will go first
as first lady.
Carey always got to be first.
Dear Carey, though you
are no direct relation to me,
and I don't think you got
much in the way of brains.
Shut up, you old fool.
Shut up, Poppy.
You go ahead, baby.
I think you
and your dumb husband...
Dumb, son of a bitch.
Look, I'm sorry.
Keep reading, sweetheart.
...should go
to the White House.
Where a bunch of other
dummies have lived
so I've left you enough
money to do that.
There is a bag
with your name on it.
Take that,
all you naysayers.
America or boom!
It's a funeral
for God's sakes.
I get it, I get it.
Excuse me, everybody,
for boning my wife
in front of the ashes
of your dead daddy.
I think my gorgeous wife
deserves the honor to read ours.
By the way, you look
mighty pretty today.
Thank you, baby, but I
can't take all the credit.
I've been using Infinite Naturals and
it has been clearing up my skin.
It is good for the hands,
the face, and every bumpy place.
- Infinite Naturals...
- [all together] naturally infinite.
Here we go.
Dear, Jorge, that wife
of yours can't cook.
I was never proud of
you, son, but you tried.
Irregardless, fuckers, I'm
leaving you and Jean a bag.
Thank you, Jesus.
Well, Pops, you
were a pain in the ass
till the end,
but I'm gonna miss you.
[laughs] Darling...
This is it.
Money in that bag.
Welcome to the rich club.
Go ahead, son.
It's your turn.
Dear, Ted, you were the only
one that I loved, except Linda.
But there at the end,
you were a zombie,
and I just can't
tolerate that.
So, no money for you,
but I did leave you some coupons
to help with expenses.
- Luck!
- Sorry, son.
My turn.
My darling Linda,
love of my life.
The biggest bag is
of course for you
and will allow you to
finish your sorcery training
and do any other damn thing you
please, forever in my memory.
That's some
bullshit right there.
There is my new boyfriend.
I'll be practicing
my newest love spell
on him
right about now [laughs].
Tata, everyone.
Don't miss me too much.
Thank God that bitch is gone.
What was that?
Poppy blew that woman up.
Red flag.
God may not be here
when you want Him,
but He's always right on time.
I think we can
all agree with my bitch.
- Let's check out the loot.
- [all cheering]
Wait, wait!
Be careful now.
I think it's safe.
Yes, yes, yes.
No, stop! Stop celebrating.
It's fake.
- It's fake.
- Oh, no. No, no, no!
Oh, my God.
No, no, no.
I wish I could burn
your ass up more right now.
Be strong.
Baby, be strong.
I wanted to get daddy
[indistinct] so much hatred.
What's to come
of our country?
I was gonna get you a
prosthetic and surprise you.
[crying] This is not
what George Washington died for.
[crying] I wanted you
to hold me with both arms.
[sobbing noises]
I can't hold myself.
[all are crying]
I am sensitive
to Infinite Naturals.
Oh God.
[Ted] It isn't
the end of the world.
Yes, it is.
Listen, I am not
gonna mistreat you, OK?
What good would that do?
I want you to care about
your job, and work hard.
If you can learn to do that,
and treat people better,
sure we can find a place
for you in some capacity.
In some capacity?
What? Like the janitor,
or pool boy?
We have a pool here?
We don't have a pool here.
Listen, why don't you take a
week off, and when you get
back, we can sit down and find
a place that fits for you.
I'm sure you have some family who
would want to see more of you.
No, I don't.
I think it would help
if you took some time off.
Oh, gosh.
Frank, do you want a hug?
Okay, come on.
Bring it in.
Look, you are
sitting in my chair.
I'm gonna need you to get up.
[upbeat music]
Let me see what kind of
coupons he gave you.
That's for
cereal or something.
Oh, look at that.
There is a letter in here for you
from your grandfather, dumb ass.
- You want to see what it says?
- Th...
[grandfather's voice] Dear Teddy, you
didn't really think I'd only leave you
a cereal coupon,
did you? You fucking tool.
You've known your whole life what the
rest of those idiots will never know
which is money can't buy you love.
You will know what to do with this.
I have enclosed Dan Bishop's business card.
He's the man at Dintuck & Blitzer Bank
and will help you
access your money.
Don't let me down, buddy.
Love forever, your Poppy.
- Ted!
- [laughs] Are you kidding me?
I can't believe this.
Dang, Ted. You might just be
the richest zombie alive.
The richest zombie...
I'm the richest
zombie dead... named Ted.
My God.
Come on, guys.
[Bonnie] So crazy.
[happy music]
- [Crew] Marker.
- [indistinct], zombie.
Please don't hurt me.
Can you start?
Now you could think about it.
Oh my God.
Mel, Mel!
[making zombie sounds]
- [indistinct]
- [roaring]
20 crackers.
Take four.
You're dumb, Ted.
[laughs] Sorry.
- I'm just...
- [woman] Sick and tired?
[laughs] Give me a sec, okay.
I'm in love with you.
I'll get this.
Look, I'm just sick and tired
of people calling me a zombie.
Excuse me.
Oh my God.
- Before you have sex.
- Mel!
Could you please,
hand me my sandwich.
- No.
- I think she's lying on it.
- How the...
- Scene three Echo, take one.
- [Crew] rolling.
- I forgot my line.
Damn it.
- [indistinct]
- Oh, sorry.
[all laugh]
I think I just need to... I need to
write down another note with myself.
Where is it? My pen, damn it,
Ted, did you eat my pen?
- [Crew 1] Rolling.
- [Crew 2] Marker.
I'm sorry, I'm laughing.
I'm sorry.
[Crew] Marker.
- [all laughs]
- [indistinct]
Hi, Ricky.
Hi, Ricky.
[crew laughs]
So Ricky's there? So, seriously,
are you still rolling or what?
- What? sorry.
- It's okay.
Oh my God. You see what you did?
You broke it.
- Can I help...
- No, no you can't.
That was because your moral
character was not sound enough.
[Crew] Bravo 5 Kilo, take one.
Now, quick making those wishes.
What are they? Give them to me.
The wishes would be,
I wish she would.
That's not three wishes.
- No.
- That's four words.
I wish sh'would.
Must be deaf then.
- [Crew] What did you say?
- I said we need a shift.
You know, I just realized
that sh'would is not a word.
- So, what makes you think that I'm a zombie?
- I just get the feeling
- that you're gonna eat my head at any second.
- That's a very false...
- It's called zombie-ism as far as I know.
- Yeah, but that's...
Look at the way you're
looking at my noggin right now.
[Crew] Scene 19.
Excuse me for fondling
my wife's areola
at the dining, okay.
What is the
areola specifically?
It's this part right here.
Just keep your
teeth off my body.
No, she looks a little
like a vampire but she's...
- What?
- Calm down.
- [Crew] Rolling.
- What? What? What? What? What?
Well, I didn't...
Excuse me
for giving my wife a
clinical breast exam
at the dinner table.
I thought we were family.
You need to do that
on a regular basis.
- These aren't going to mammogram themselves.
- That's true.
Then of course I'm
gonna outlaw anybody
who comes from a country
that has a ach sound in it.
- [Crew] Roll.
- [Crew] Marker.
- We can not do this?
- No.
- Can I do that?
- No.
Ted, just tell me
when it's okay.
- I can do this?
- Quit grabbing that. Please stop.
None of us want to see that.
- [Crew] Grandpa rolling.
- [playing the harmonica]
What's to
come of our country?
All the little
American boys and girls.
Stay strong, baby.
With no apple pie.
Shut up there, old man.
- [moans]
- You see that you done?
- I hate you.
- [Crew] Roll.
[Crew] AAZN My family has
gone to hell and back.
What is happening?
Shoot me. Shoot me, motherfuckers,
just shoot me right in the head.
Take me out there.
Take me.
[Crew] Take one.
I am a zombie.
A zombie named Ted.
So sad.
Mr. Oripori, I told you
to wait in my office.