An Evening with Beverly Luff Linn (2018) Movie Script

What blend is that bag?
Winter. Oh, shit.
Sorry, Shane.
pay better attention.
It's just we never had
a mid-winter blend before,
and it's, like, why
and who cares?
I can't think about that,
Tyrone, and neither should you.
- Good morning, Lulu.
- Good morning, Carl.
Hey, Lulu.
Check this out.
Are you break-dancing,
Yes. It's... body popping.
[Shane] Ice! No dancing!
Get back to work.
[door bells jingling]
Excuse me.
Excuse me?
May I have
a large cappuccino, please?
[coins clinking]
[cash register dings]
Here you go, sir.
One large cappuccino.
Thank you.
Is Mr. Danger here?
Yeah, hang on a second.
Hi. Shane Danger, Manager.
Mr. Danger,
I'm Barry Ofeld
with Human Resources
from our corporate office.
Is there somewhere
we can speak in private?
The reason for my visit is the company is
in the process of scaling back operations.
This means making across-the-board
personnel cuts, Mr. Danger.
we must ask you
to relieve one of your employees
of their responsibilities.
I will leave that
to your discretion,
but we'd like this to happen
immediately, Mr. Danger.
- Do you have any questions?
- No, I don't think so.
Times are tough, Mr. Danger.
Better one of them than you.
Good point.
Not a very good cappuccino.
If you'll excuse me.
[door opens]
[bells jingling]
That guy was
checking you out, Lulu.
No, I was
checking him out, Carl.
It wasn't that funny,
Lulu, if you could
see me in my office.
I'm sorry. There was nothing
I could do about it.
You can stop
going on about it.
I don't care
about the job.
Oh. Someone told me today
what they were building
the hardware center.
Oh, but I can't remember
what it was.
Oh, I remember now.
They're putting in a state-of-the-art
fitness center behind the hardware center.
Might have to get
my gym bag on.
Thanks, sweetie.
Now I have to find my way
to bed in the dark.
[man on TV chattering]
Five dollars for fun.
Why don't you enjoy yourself and buy
one of those cinnamon swirly things
you like so much
from the bakeshop?
I will see you later,
won't I, sweetie?
[door closes]
[chattering continues on TV]
[Carl] Kinda does feel like
a morgue with Lulu gone.
- She was fun.
- Yeah, well, she got fired, Carl.
Times are tough.
We have jobs to do.
And this is what happens
when you don't do your job.
So, we have
our first casualty, guys.
Might not be our last.
You gonna have problems with your
marriage now you fired your wife, Shane?
[sighs] No, I am not gonna have
problems with my marriage now, Tyrone.
I have
a tremendous marriage.
In fact, Lulu is relieved
not to be working.
Well, I got problems,
My mom just got diabetes.
I have to buy her a little scooter to get
her around, but I don't have no money.
I'm sorry about that,
but you have to save, Tyrone.
I save everything I can,
and I think positive
all the time!
I have to take a shit.
Can you guys man the shop
for 25 minutes?
[Tyrone] Sure.
Who shits for 25 minutes?
[man on TV]
Love me, love me, love me.
Hey, nearly birthday girl.
Can I make you
a cappuccino?
Oh, I used to
make cappuccinos.
Mr. Ofeld said,
"Either the both of you go,
or just the girl.
The girl's gonna
go anyway though."
So I chose to stay, so at
least one of us has a job.
You seem sad.
Yeah, well, this TV
is really shitty, you know?
That's what I want
for my birthday...
a new, bigger, better TV.
So I can sit in front of it all day
until my ass gets so fat and flat
we have to get a new couch.
Don't say that.
Plus, we don't have that
kind of money right now.
Not until
I become area manager,
which, I think,
is gonna happen, by the way.
Now that's
a real cappuccino.
Maybe I should ask my brother
for a new TV.
He's got that kind of money
in his cashbox.
[laughs] Who? Adjay?
Yeah, right.
How much money does Adjay
have in his cashbox?
More than what you have
in your tiny little cashbox.
I don't have
a fucking cashbox.
There's no way that little fuckin'
vegan has more money than me.
No, he does.
If anyone needs me,
I'll be in the bath.
Oh, yes. I am the fresh
fun, goodie goodie man.
An... Evening...
with Beverly Luff Linn.
For one magical night only.
Beverly Luff Linn.
Luff Linn. Luff Linn.
Is that you, sweetie?
Sweetie, exactly how much money
is in Adjay's cashbox?
A lot.
Sweetie, I don't understand how Adjay
has got all this fucking money.
He saves.
So do fucking I!
Well, Adjay saves more
than fucking you.
Okay, do we all know what we're doing?
I'm staying in the car.
I'm walking in with you, Shane, and asking a
guy to take me to the grains of paradise.
And he will take you to the back
of the store to the spice aisle.
Yes, he will.
You will keep him there as
long as possible. Yes, I will.
Let's do this.
[bell dinging]
How may I help
you gentlemen?
Take me to the grains
of paradise.
Wow, your face
is very shiny, man.
Yeah, my family
has thyroid.
I will take you
to the grains of paradise.
This is
the highest grade.
[Tyrone] This is the best
grains of paradise, okay? Yes?
You don't look well,
Where's your friend,
by the way?
Oh, he's just at the front of the
store looking for a couple of items.
How many kinds
are there?
This is the cheaper. This is the
cheaper grains of paradise?
Hey! What the fuck
are you doing, man?
Are you trying
to rob me, man?
What the fuck is going on?
Shane? Is that you?
What the fuck, Shane?
Are you seriously
trying to rob me?
No! Are you fucking crazy?
Okay! Now!
Tyrone, run! Go!
Carl, drive!
[engine starts]
[squeals echoing]
Cinnamon swirly!
Cinnamon swirly!
Little swirls of cinnamon.
Yum, yum, yum.
Cinnamon, cinnamon.
[door bells jingling]
Cinnamon bullshit.
Who is this
fucking Shane Danger?
He's my fucking
He shot a fuckin' hole
in your ceiling.
Yes, and then he ran off with my fucking
cashbox with my fucking savings.
You think!
Fucking Shane Danger!
That's not even a fucking real name!
Stupid fucking fucks!
So, this Shane Danger. He's
got some new monies, huh?
I'm just rolling
through town,
and then I hear you want the monies
back from this Shane Danger.
- I can help you do that.
- Really?
I was going to talk
to my cousin Poony.
Forget cousin Poony.
This is what I do.
Tell me more.
You give me
Shane Danger's address.
I bring you the cashbox.
You give me $200.
You must blow out
his kneecap.
Yeah. I promise you I'll
blow out both his kneecaps.
Valerie! We need a pen
and a fucking paper!
I need to write Shane Danger's
address down for this man.
[hacking cough]
[coughing continues]
[parking brake sets]
[dog barking in distance]
Okay. Time to open
the glove box, Colin.
[bass: dance music]
[drum joins in]
Are you the party man,
party man?
Oh, hey, sweetie.
You gonna let
the party man in, Shane?
Sure. Who is he?
I'm Colin.
[Lulu] Coming in
for a drink, Colin?
Yes, I am.
[clock ticking]
[Lulu] Why do you always
make that brown shit?
it's a fan favorite.
Do you think Colin
will like it?
Kinda looks
like a shit shake.
So how do you guys
know Colin?
[Shane] I thought you knew this guy.
[Lulu] I don't know him.
You told me to invite
him in for a drink.
You don't have to do
what I say.
Who the fuck is this guy?
Who the fuck are you?
You stole the cashbox
from Adjay!
Now Adjay wants
his monies back!
So pull out the cashbox
from behind the couch!
Now, before I blow out
these kneecaps!
Colin, grab the cashbox.
Grab the fucking cashbox!
Grab it!
- Now give me the gun.
- That ain't gonna happen.
- Uh, uh, uh!
- Now let's go. Go!
Get my coat!
Is that your car?
Yes, it is.
Good. Get in!
Get in!
- Drive!
- [engine revs]
[tires squeal]
Where you going?
Come back here,
She's gone, Shane, and she's
taken the fucking money!
Oh, really, Tyrone?
'Cause I wasn't here. Tell me
what else fucking happened!
Are we taking the
cashbox to Adjay? No!
We're not.
And I will be asking the
questions now. Okay.
We're going
on an adventure, Colin.
Do you like adventures?
I do.
Adventures... I like them.
Do you promise?
I like adventures, yeah.
Are you a good guy or a bad guy?
I'm a good guy.
Good evening.
My name is Lawrence.
to the Moorhouse Hotel.
Thank you, Lawrence.
We would like a room.
Oh, that looks fun. Is Mr. Luff
Linn staying here too?
It's Luff Linn.
Two words.
Oh, and we'll need a room
with two twins' beds, please.
Is it two twins' beds
or two twins bed?
Or is it two twin bed?
I'm not really sure about that
kind of thing. I'm just not...
Perhaps we should ask
Mr. Beverly.
Oh, lookee here. It looks
like you're in lucky.
Is breakfast included?
We'll take it.
Key time.
Magical event.
Magical Luff Linn.
[door closes]
Okay, well, this is
my kind of hotel room.
You take that bed.
Colin, do you think you
could give me a massage?
I can do that.
Like this?
How's this?
- And this?
- Mm-hmm.
I needed to get away
from my husband.
Aren't you worried about
people coming after us?
Adjay must be
very upset and angry.
Adjay would never
come after us.
He's had terrifying panic
attacks since we were children
because he choked on too
much breast milk as a baby.
I didn't know that
was a possibility.
Choking on breast milk?
Choking on
too much breast milk.
Okay, that's enough.
Thank you.
Colin, I need you
to protect me, okay?
Can you handle that?
Yes, I can do that.
Are you sure you don't have
any other commitments?
No, I don't have
any other commitments.
In fact, putting myself in harm's
way for the benefit of others
is exactly what I do.
I'm going to take a bath.
Why don't you watch?
[door closes]
Here comes din-dins.
- You buckled up?
- [groaning]
Right. Let's try and find this hotel that
apparently no one knows the name of.
Have you heard anything
from Lulu?
I haven't heard
[door opens]
Hello, Shane!
Do you have my money?
No, Adjay.
Have you talked to Colin?
Colin is
a double-crossing shit!
Well, my wife and your
money are with him,
so you might want
to track him down.
Track him down, Shane?
I'm a fucking vegan!
I'm coming every day until
you find my fucking money!
Did you hear me,
you fat loser?
Adjay, please leave! You're
causing a disturbance!
I will leave, and then
I will come back again
for my fucking M-O-N-E-Y!
[door opens, closes]
Why has my wife run off
with a fucking criminal?
Maybe she was sexually
attracted to him.
I've definitely read women are
attracted to mens with guns.
Yeah, the gun
is like a penis.
Yeah, the male penis.
Why are we buying
all these outfits?
Because I need outfits,
I'm gonna be honest
with you.
Although I don't know
quite what's going on,
I'm having a great time,
And you nailed it with these
cheesy onion rings. Mmm.
There is an event
tomorrow night at the hotel.
We're going to it. Okay?
An event?
Do you remember the man
in the plaid hat
from the large man-shaped poster
near the hotel reception?
Mr. Beverly.
- Beverly's a woman's name.
- No, I don't think so.
It is. It's a Scottish
woman's name.
- Beverly is a man's name.
- It's a very feminine name.
No, it isn't, Colin.
It's a very masculine name.
I went to school
with a girl called Beverly.
No, Colin.
Beverly is a man's name.
Beverly is a woman's name.
No, Colin.
Beverly is a man's name.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, this is so indulgent.
I'm gonna need to do
some exercise after this.
[muffled] Can you
please wipe your mouth?
That's absolutely disgusting.
What are you doing?
Don't do that.
Just get the stuff
out of the back.
[low grunting]
I believe we have a junior
suite on reservation.
We have you
in our Loch Lomond suite
with a balcony
and a pool view.
Would you like me to keep the reservation
charges under Von Dongschlonger?
It's Von Donkensteiger.
- Is that German?
- Yes.
Actually, my father was a German shepherd.
He looked quite like you.
- You mean like the dog?
- Yeah, like the woof-woof.
[grunts] Hmm.
We are very excited for
An Evening
with Beverly Luff Linn
for one magical night only.
You look more like a dog
than a dog does.
[elevator bell dings]
One of those jets is shooting
water up the back of my shorts.
Its quite
a delicious feeling.
Lets go downstairs.
Good evening.
I'm the captain.
What can I get
you folks?
I would like
a Rumble in the Heather.
And I'll have
a Rum and a Ramble.
Coming up.
You know, those might
have poo on them.
You don't want to get poo
in your mouth, do you?
Oh, no. No, we're not
eating these poo nuts.
Here you go, ma'am.
Here's your drink.
- Here you go, sir.
- Thank you, Captain.
And, uh, let's get
some fresh nuts, huh?
Poo nuts. You know
what I'm talking about.
And here's my nuts.
I feel like we've been
on the go for days,
and we haven't had any time
to just sit and catch up.
Well, I'm really glad that
we're getting to catch up,
but we're not really
on the go.
We're on the run.
Your brother's after us.
I wouldn't be surprised if he kills
me, but I think you'll be fine.
[sighs] You know, you can be
really depressing sometimes.
I don't find myself
Here's to not being depressing.
I don't think I am depressing.
[door opens]
Here comes Mr. Beverly.
He makes you nervous,
doesn't he?
And he's with his bearded friend,
and they're coming this way.
What a lovely evening,
isn't it?
Yes, it is.
Oh, uh, Colin.
Rodney, this is Lulu.
Mr. Rodney, I believe
your booth is ready.
Come with me, please.
He's not very chatty,
is he, Mr. Beverly?
You know, I feel like I don't
know anything about you, Colin.
Why don't you
tell me something?
Why don't you tell me
the story of Colin?
You better settle in 'cause it's
a long and interesting tale.
So, my father's name
was Keith,
and his father
was also called Keith.
Uh, so that's two generations
of Keiths in my family,
so it's a bit of a tradition.
And my father had an Uncle
Colin who he loved very much.
And he loved the name Colin and he
wanted to be called Colin himself.
In fact, sometimes he would
introduce himself to people
calling himself Colin
as a joke.
Anyway, he looked up
the name Colin,
and it meant
small, young dog.
And so when I was born,
he thought,
he looks like
a small, young dog,
and he named me Colin
because I was born with teeth.
That's it?
That is by far the most uninteresting
story I have ever heard.
Well, I'm sorry
you feel that way.
We should go sit with them.
Come on.
Let's go.
Oh, do you mind
if we join you?
We haven't properly
met yet, Mr. Beverly.
It's Mr. Luff Linn,
and it's two words.
Luff Linn.
Beverly, this is Colin,
and this is Lulu.
Beverly and I
are partners.
Ah, you are...
you're partners. Ah.
It's a platonic union.
That sounds nice.
- Is it nice?
- Yes.
I mean, it's difficult
to describe,
but let's just say that we
love each other very much.
Colin and I are married.
[loud growling]
How long have you been married for?
Two months.
It's funny, isn't it?
You come into a shithole town
in the middle of nowhere,
like this,
and suddenly everything's
very difficult.
I have to buy Beverly
this tea that he loves.
The Earl Grey. I'm sure
you haven't heard of it.
So, I went into the local
village this morning,
and I gotta say,
it was a real struggle,
but eventually
I found it,
and, uh, Beverly
has the satisfaction
of getting the tea
that he loves,
and I have
the satisfaction
of being the one
who got it for him.
Are you gonna put an
earring back in that hole?
- Yes.
- [grunts]
Do excuse us.
You should put an earring
back in that hole.
You should do
what they say.
Let it out and play.
Come on, Bev.
That's it.
Let it out.
Let that devil out.
There she blows.
There she blows.
You look tired, Shane.
- I hit the bottle last night.
- Me too.
- Brenda finally kicked me out.
- Isn't Brenda your cousin?
Yeah. I don't think she's attracted
to me anymore 'cause I got fat.
Oh, I thought
you were always fat.
- No, I used to be skinny.
- I think it's great that you're dating your cousin, Tyrone.
Thank you, Shane.
What the fuck is that,
It's a poster. Some bearded guy
dropped it off last night.
Bearded guy?
He looked like Michael McDonald
from the Doobie Brothers.
Who are
the Doobie Brothers?
Beverly Luff Linn.
[Tyrone] It's the same black guy
from the poster at the store,
and that's Lulu with him
in every single photograph.
Yes, Tyrone.
It looks like they're having a
pretty great time together, Shane.
Listen to me.
This man is in town.
He's having an event
at the Moorhouse Hotel.
I don't know
what this event is,
but Lulu's gone missing.
We need to go to the hotel,
immediately, to see if she's there.
Yes, we do Shane.
We need to go to the hotel
immediately to see if she's there.
Good evening.
My name is Lawrence.
to the Moorhouse Hotel.
That man there,
is he in the hotel?
I need to see him. I must speak with him.
It's urgent.
Sir, you're more than welcome to
wait in our captain's lounge.
Is the captain
in his lounge?
No, the captain is not
in his fucking lounge!
- [burps]
- [giggles]
I love cold beer!
I gave you cold beer!
I love cold beer!
I gave you cold beer!
I love cold beer!
[sighs] Whoo.
[low grunting]
I know, I know.
We'll sort it out.
[low groaning]
[tires squealing]
You're late, Tyrone.
What happened?
I was worried stiff.
He's there, Shane. They got a
life-sized poster of him in the lobby.
He's being pushed around in a
wheelchair by the bearded man.
Hello, Shane!
You look fat today!
Like I said, I'm coming back
every day, and here I am!
Where is my fucking money?
I don't have your money, Adjay.
But do you know this man?
Where the fuck
did this come from?
This guy who looked like Michael McDonald
from the Doobie Brothers dropped it off.
There's a big event
Adjay, I found a box of
pictures of Lulu with this man.
It was hidden
in her underwear drawer.
That man is dead!
That man ain't dead.
That man is in a wheelchair
at the Moorhouse Hotel.
That man is dead!
That man fucking drowned!
And I want my fucking money, Shane!
That man ain't dead.
[people groaning]
Show delayed 24 hours
for a medical emergency?
Excuse me.
I don't understand.
Wait, there's Rodney.
Ask him what's going on.
I'm going in.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, Mr. Rodney.
Is everything okay
with Mr. Beverly?
Mr. Luff Linn just needs
some peace and quiet.
He doesn't need
to be disturbed.
Is he dead?
I have no idea.
I'm not a doctor.
I just don't understand why you're so
stressed out about this Mr. Beverly event.
I realize
you don't understand.
The thing is,
I do understand.
[shouting] Okay, then,
you know what?
I'm going out, and I'm
gonna feast on snacks!
Good! I hope you feast on snacks and
you get so fat that your pants split!
Oh, you would love it
if my pants split!
I would!
[door slams]
[Luff Linn grunts]
I see you're writing again.
Come on. I'll run you a bath.
[Rodney] I saw that
dreadful couple downstairs.
They seem pretty pissed off
that the show's been postponed.
[loud grunting]
Well, well, well.
Um, I think I'm gonna have
a bit of a siesta now.
You really should
start writing again.
You write beautifully. You
have a real way with words.
[door bells jingle]
[low growl]
Yes, I will make sure
that she gets it.
[door opens, closes]
I just saw Mr. Beverly,
and he looked fine.
Exceptionally healthy,
in fact.
And I saw magical
event posters all over town.
What are you
thinking about?
Because I'll tell you
what I'm thinking about.
I'm thinking about how I met your
fat brother in the Laundromat,
and I was promised
to be paid $200,
of which I have
received nothing!
I'm a professional!
I make things happen!
And now what do I do?
I'm just protecting you
so that you can see Mr. Beverly
and his magic event.
And I haven't even mentioned his fat,
bearded, chipmunk-faced piggy partner
who needs a punch right in his
tightly packed poo-filled anus hole!
I'll pay you the $200,
No, no, no.
It's not about that.
It's not about the money
Ah, no!
It's not about the money!
Now Colin's opened his big,
hairy trap, and Lulu hates him!
I have an idea.
How about the two of us go out for
an old-fashioned night on the town?
What do you say?
I'd really like that.
Lets paint the town,
[bell dings]
Oh. I need to go
to the toilet.
Oh, my God.
Why are you here?
I found this box
in your underwear drawer
with all these pictures of you
and the Luff Linn poster man.
Is this why you're here?
Let go of me!
Is he still alive?
Because I heard
he was dead.
Get off of me.
Security! This man
is accosting me!
Security! Security!
Ow! My fucking ear,
you fat fuck! Aaah!
[shouting] Who the fuck
is Beverly Luff Linn?
Oh, shit!
What happened, Shane?
Got kicked
in the stomach.
I gotta go get my mom
from the clinic.
That's fine.
Just drive.
Did you get kicked hard?
I should've blown
out his kneecaps.
I'm very protective.
You put your earring
back in, didn't you?
Oh, yes.
Yeah, I did.
The mystery of Colin
is deepening.
Go deeper, if you dare.
May I indulge you
in a childhood story?
Give it to me, Colin.
My grandmother Eileen used
to have these hard candies
that were dusted
in icing sugar.
They were a real treat
to be had.
Now I'm getting to the
major part of the story.
When I was a little boy,
I didn't like to, uh...
do poo-poos inside,
so I would march
into the wood for hours
just waiting until I
had to go, you know.
And I would just do it
right there in the woods,
or I would do it
on a rock,
or I would, um, dig a little
hole and cover it with leaves.
But it's not the way that we want
little boys to go potty, is it?
No, it is not.
So, my grandmother very cleverly
decided to give me these candies,
which I was crazy about,
doo-doos would come out
So, whenever
I went poopy inside,
I would run down the hallway yelling,
"Grammy, Grammy! Come and look in the bowl!
Come and look
in the bowl!"
And then we would all gather around
the bowl and just look inside
and count the doo-doos,
and guess what.
She would give me
a piece of candy
for every piece of... poo-poo
that I would produce.
One time I got
14 pieces of candy.
Grammy passed away
some time ago.
She was hit in the back
of her head with a hammer.
Okay, enough stories.
It's time.
I'm gonna
lay it on the line.
Lulu, I may be a great deal
younger than you,
but I think you're
the most beautiful,
most interesting woman
that I have ever met.
And yes, I know everybody
else thinks that too.
But I need to know...
and please
be honest with me...
I need to know...
if any part of you
is attracted...
to any part of me.
This is so unexpected.
That's okay. You don't have
to answer immediately.
Look, I'm just in a very emotional
place right now, you know?
I just left my husband, and I
have this event tomorrow night.
Colin! Colin! Colin!
Colin! Colin!
Selfish! Selfish!
Selfish! Selfish!
[man] Crabs.
I had tickets
to the magical Luff Linn,
but I heard he had
been delayed 24 hours.
What makes the Luff Linn
so... magical, Mrs. Paris?
[coughing, retching]
[loud coughing]
Ah! Ah!
Miss Lulu.
I have this for you.
Thank you.
Good evening.
What did
Mr. Lawrence want?
He was just making sure
you were protecting me.
I am.
Gonna go
get ready for bed.
[door closes]
[Luff Linn grunting]
[funk music playing]
Is this our song?
[Beverly] Mmm!
this brings back memories.
Endless nights
at the Lamb and Lily.
First time I saw you.
You looked very smart
with your orange hat.
Right, tea and bed, Bev.
[light piano music]
[door opens, closes]
You look relaxed,
Yeah, I'm just reading
about Palominos.
They're a very
sought-after parade horse.
Very pretty horse,
I must say.
Well, I'm wiped.
Good night.
Would you like me to read
you a couple of paragraphs?
No, thanks.
[light piano music continues]
[tape player clicks]
[music stops]
[Colin yawns]
[Luff Linn grunts]
There we go.
[light snoring]
[water splashing]
You look surprised.
You expecting somebody else?
No? Good.
'Cause there'll be nobody else
performing here tonight.
The show's over.
[whispers] Yes. Yes.
No. Oh, God. No.
I'm sorry. I must have
gotten in the wrong bed.
I like you in my bed.
It's fine. No.
It's fine. I like you in my bed.
No, it's not fine. No, Colin.
It's not fine.
I'm sorry.
Actually, Colin,
I have my period.
Can you run to the drugstore and
get me some heavy flow tampons?
The green box.
It's an emergency.
I'm going
as fast as I can.
[door closes]
[clears throat]
Good morning, Lawrence.
Good morning, Miss Lulu.
Can you please see that
this gets to Mr. Luff Linn?
It must be delivered to him when his male
bearded partner is not present, is that clear?
He will receive the
message right away.
Thank you.
[liquid pouring]
Skinny little pig.
Strong coffee, Bev.
This should wake you up.
I had to haul a special someone all the way from
the armchair to the queen-sized bed last night.
Now, this may look like a lot of
food, but you should eat all of it.
[angrily] Mmm.
I'm just concerned about your health.
I'm not badgering.
Good morning to you both.
My name is Kennedy Gordon.
I am the manager
of the Moorhouse Hotel.
- It is a pleasure finally having you stay with us.
- Mmm.
I also wanted to check in with you regarding
our evening with Beverly Luff Linn
and whether we're all set
for this evening?
Yes, at this precise moment, I would say we
are all set for this evening's performance.
Isn't that right, Bev? Mmm.
Oh, and Lawrence asked me to give you
this letter in private, Mr. Luff Linn.
Um, please enjoy your breakfast!
Shall we open it?
[Lulu] So, I get up at 1:00 a.m.
to see you alone, finally,
and you send your creepy
bearded partner.
Anything interesting?
Right, when you finish that steak, those eggs,
that steak on that plate with those eggs,
the orange if you want,
and there's a boiled egg there.
The toast, and I want you
to have the jam with the toast.
We're gonna hit the fitness center and
loosen your hips for this evening.
You're in great shape,
but your pelvis is kinked.
I got the... I had to go to three
different stores to get them.
The first store said they wouldn't
have them in for a month.
I said, "That's no use. It's a monthly
cycle." And the second store...
Listen to me, you little bitch.
We got your note.
I told you to back off!
You shouldn't speak to a
lady like that, Mr. Rodney.
Shut up! This is
your final warning!
What? Are you gonna
chew me out now too?
How about you?
I just witnessed two male suspicious
figures driving a blue sports coupe.
They were wearing wigs, and when
I noticed them they sped off.
That'll be Shane and Tyrone.
Colin, do you think you
could give me a massage?
Yes, I can.
You're getting really good
at this, Colin.
Then you won't mind me
telling you
that I saw Mr. Beverly in the
fitness center exercising,
and I pulled the finger at him.
Colin, why did you do that?
Look, I don't need you causing any more
trouble than there already is! Okay?
I'm going for a walk.
You will always be alone, Colin,
with that big, hairy trap of yours!
Why is it so hairy?
Would you like to come with me?
I would like that.
And thank you for the tampons.
It was a pleasure
to buy you tampons.
[door creaks, closes]
[groans back]
[both continue groaning]
[passes gas]
[passes gas]
Good afternoon. Yes, this
is Lawrence, Mr. Gordon.
I have Mr. Rodney here,
Mr. Beverly Luff Linn's partner.
Apparently, they would like to delay
the event for another 24 hours.
Thank you very much.
[hangs up receiver]
Mr. Gordon will be here
very shortly.
Good day, Mr. Rodney.
Lovely to
see you again.
Now, we have
a full hotel of guests
anxiously awaiting An Evening
with Beverly Luff Linn
for one magical night only.
And I am happy to accommodate your
request for another 24 hours, but...
I am afraid there can be
no further delays after that.
Am I being clear,
Mr. Rodney?
Yes, you're being clear.
[music pounding]
It's open!
[music grows louder]
[pounding continues]
It's her.
Are you sure?
Of course, I'm sure.
I have to say,
when Beverly Luff Linn
said he had taken up with a man,
you are not what I expected.
What are you, from Scotland?
I met Beverly while I was
studying embroidery in Aberdeen.
I don't give one or two or 17 fucks
what you were studying in Aberdeen
[affecting Scottish accent] or
Edinburgh or-or the Orkney Islands,
ya fucking bushy bearded cunt!
[normal voice]
I only pursued your request
because that skinny little pig
ended our marriage.
I wanted to see her in the flesh.
It's supposed to offer closure.
- I see.
- How'd you get my number?
Beverly gave it to me during one of our more
marinated sessions in the Lamb and Lily.
He was suffering
from acute depression.
He said if ever he was in
trouble, I had to contact you.
Please don't contact me again!
Ever again!
[door slams]
[music stops]
[grunting repeatedly]
[engine starts]
[music pounding]
[music fades]
Adjay, I've got good news.
That guy Colin is at
the Moorhouse Hotel with Lulu.
They should have your money.
So, you should go there,
to the Moorhouse Hotel.
There is something
you are not getting, Shane.
It seems I was correct
to bring Edwin.
[bell jingles]
I hear you have a back room.
Can you take me there?
Sure, Edwin.
[blow lands]
[Adjay] And I want my
fucking money, Shane!
[bell jingles]
What happened
to your face, Shane?
Edwin happened to my face,
you big, fat penis face.
[all groaning]
[music pounding]
I wonder why
they postponed it again.
Can we please
stop discussing it?
[music continues pounding]
How are we doing over here?
Oh, uh, I'll have the usual.
Thanks, Captain.
And for you, ma'am?
No. Thank you.
I'm not feeling so well,
so I'm going to go to my room.
Maybe you're thirsty,
or hungry.
or low blood sugar.
My God, Colin.
I just left my husband.
Do you even remember that?
I've been holed up
in this hotel for days
because I'm desperate to see An Evening with
Beverly Luff Linn for one magical night only,
and I don't know if
that's ever gonna happen.
And for some insane reason,
I'm being called a little bitch
by Beverly's fat,
disgusting, creepy partner
with his little chipmunk body shoved
into his pants with his little fat legs.
So, no. I'm not feeling
very thirsty or hungry, okay?
[music pounding]
She's having her period.
Oh, dear.
I had to go to three stores
to get green tampons.
Rum and a Ramble for you, sir?
You have beautiful hands.
These two stupid, fat hands?
I'm Paulette.
Nice to meet you, Paulette.
I'm Colin.
[door creaks]
[choir singing]
[door closes]
So, it's a bit of a tradition in my
family for the men to be named Keith,
but my father just loved
the name Colin.
And so it came to pass that
he named me, his only son...
Colin Keith Threadener.
So the Keith's
still in there.
Yeah, he was a bit
of a rebel, my father.
[music pounding continues]
You could fill me with your
stories all night long.
[inhales, grunts]
Well, that's really nice to
hear that at a time like this.
Is there someplace
we can be alone?
[moaning, grunting]
[grunts echoing]
Oh, that...
That was beautiful.
I like you,
Eh, it was good, sweetie.
It was good.
Now... Uh-huh.
Really good,
really good.
Now that's gonna
cost ya 50 bucks.
She usually
charges $80,
but she said
I could pay 50,
and we ended up settling
with me only paying 37.
So, you had sex with a prostitute?
We went all the way.
All the way up there as they say.
Well, good for you,
Good night.
I was a virgin,
and now I'm not.
I understand that! I'm
letting them know right now!
Valerie! You have to load the equipment
through the service entrance,
not the main entrance!
I don't know where the
fucking service entrance is!
I need you to follow
the signs, Valerie!
I can't hold your hand through this,
as much as you might like me to!
[groaning] Let's get this
baby seal out of bed.
Here's your tea.
Big night tonight. Showtime.
Okay, your vaporizer is on.
The sandalwood is infused
with lime and tangerine.
The bath salts are by the tub. The
flexing mat is under the window.
And your breakfast
is under the cloche.
Are we magical?
Are you upset that I had sex
with a prostitute last night?
No. Are you gonna get out of bed?
Today is the event!
Help! I've slipped,
and I've fallen into the pond!
Can anybody hear me? I'm trapped under
the ice! Who is Beverly Luff Linn?
Help, I'm trapped!
Who is Beverly Luff Linn?
Who is Beverly Luff Linn?
Who is...
He was a poet.
He was my professor.
We were a couple, and we
were passionately in love.
[bag rattles]
One spring he took me
to the exotic island of Prami.
There was a bird sanctuary there, and...
we had the best time.
All we would do is hold hands
and sing to the birds.
These funny little birds
with flat heads.
Do you know
those kinds of birds?
They're beautiful.
It was heaven.
But on the last day he said, "Lulu, I'm
going to take you to a secret cove."
We went there,
and he swam ahead of me...
out to this point,
and I remember he looked
back, waved at me
and then plunged deep
beneath the surface.
And I tried to catch up to him.
I swam so fast,
but he never came up,
I couldn't find him.
So I went back to the hotel and
our friend Cornelius was there.
I remember crying in Cornelius's arms
when they told me that he was dead.
Probably eaten
by sharks.
Why didn't you tell me
all this before?
Because I've never told
anyone before.
Except for Adjay. But he's not
interested unless it's vegan.
I've never been in love,
at least
not until I met you.
But not the kind that you're
talking about where it's mutual.
Are you still in love with him?
Are you going to get
out of bed, Colin?
Are you going to answer
the question, Lulu?
No! Because
I'm brushing my hair.
Mr. Rodney Luff Linn.
Er, it's actually Rodney Von
Donkensteiger, but Luff Linn will do.
Mitch Stemp,
events coordinator.
Nice to meet you, Mitch.
I just want to let you know
everything is moving along smoothly
and I would like to lock the set by
2:00 p.m. today, if that's okay.
If that works for you
and Mr. Luff Linn.
Yeah, that's fine.
Um, I just want to confirm...
[clears throat]
that Mr. Luff Linn will enter
from stage left along this line
and then he will end up in his chair
to the right of your good self.
Then he'll sort of, like, go...
No, I get it. You don't
have to explain it. Okay.
Oh, am I looking forward
to the event.
It... will... be...
[breathing deeply]
Beverly, I want you
to look at me.
You and I both know why you chose to hold
this event in this shitbox dickhole hotel.
I know you know
what I'm talking about.
But I need to tell you
that I love you deeply.
You're the man of my dreams.
We can survive whatever this is.
For tonight,
the event will be magical.
A magical, magical night with
my magical, magical Beverly.
And now,
I'm gonna make you some tea...
and it... will...
be... magical.
Is that really
what you're wearing?
You chose
these clothes for me.
Well, I think
you should wear a tie.
You said I looked good.
I don't have a tie.
Can't you just find
a tie somewhere?
I think you should
calm down.
I really think we should just
get down there, okay?
The event doesn't
start for an hour.
Why does everyone always have to
get so stressed out all the time?
Because I wanna get
good seats!
Yeah, I know you want
to get good seats
because you want to see Mr. Beverly and
his partner with his magical beard
do whatever they do
in their magical event.
Yes, I do want to see that.
What's so magical about
this magical event anyway?
I don't know. But whatever it is,
it will probably change your life.
He is by far the most
brilliant man I've ever met.
Well, that sounds like I've won
the golden ticket, doesn't it?
To the most spectacular evening
of whatever the fuck this is
provided to you by the man who
shat all over you in the ocean!
[grunts, sobs]
Sorry. That's the first time
I've said the words "fuck"
and "shat" in a long time,
and they're
horrible words!
Well, good for you.
I'm going downstairs, and I'm
going to get us front row seats.
Happy birthday, Lulu.
What time is it?
Okay, do we all know what we're doing?
[both] Yes.
Okay. Then let's fucking do it!
Let's fucking do it!
Good luck, everyone.
Good evening. Please
sit wherever you like.
Ah, good evening,
Miss Lulu.
I truly hope you enjoy tonight's show.
Thank you.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Good evening.
My name's Kennedy Gordon. I'm the
manager of the Moorhouse Hotel.
Well, after some delays,
I'm beyond thrilled to be standing
here introducing this evening's event.
For many of us this will be
a once-in-a-lifetime experience,
so please, let's just
meditate on every moment.
Welcome to An Evening
with Beverly Luff Linn
for one magical night only!
[applause fades]
[music starts, drumming]
[drumming continues]
[applause continues]
[drumming continues]
[drumming stops]
Those little ticks of time Keep on
tocking, tocking Tocking, tocking
Tocking all the day
But those little ticks of time
Know no reason or no rhyme
They just Ticky ticky tick
tick Tock the time away
The sun picks up
Little drops of water
From the sea
As she rolls around the sky
When her hands Are falling
down She makes a little cloud
And sends the little cloud
Drifting by
[instruments stop]
Ticky-ticky Tick tock tick
Thank you. Please sit.
[groans, coughs]
When I first moved
to Aberdeen,
this next piece
became my shepherd.
It guided me away from the shame
that had trotted up inside me.
I'm sure a lot of you
felt the same way I did
on those misty moors
of Aberdeenshire.
This next song is
about the ocean
and what it means
to be alone.
Specifically in Aberdeenshire.
[playing jig]
Why did I ever become
A football referee?
I could have been an engineer
Or a sailor on the sea
Whenever there's A fault to
find They always pick on me
Why did I ever become
A football referee?
I used to play at center half
When I was very young
Sticking out for fair play
I never could hold my tongue
The men at the top Were watching
And they quickly spotted me
They said
Now there's a decent man
We'll make him a referee
Why did I ever become
A football referee?
I could have been an engineer
Or a sailor on the sea
Whenever there's A fault to
find They always pick on me
Why did I ever become
A football referee?
Why did I ever become
A football referee?
My real name is Edmund Summers.
I loved someone once.
I loved her
with every waking moment,
and then I left her.
I have a great friend
who loves me very much.
He's up on the stage
with me tonight.
you're my best friend.
You look after me,
you care for me.
And I do love you, Rodney.
But I'm not in love
with you, Rodney.
I left my love
with someone else,
and I don't know
if she'll ever have me back.
She's the reason I'm here.
Happy birthday, Lulu.
I'd like to dedicate
this next song to you.
It's called,
"Mmmm mmm!"
[up-tempo song]
Wait a second!
- [audience gasps]
- That's my wife!
And it's her birthday!
And I want to give her
a fucking cake.
Happy birthday, sweetie.
[Rodney] I've had enough of this shit.
We're in the middle of a show.
[Lulu] Chipmunk!
[all groaning]
[groaning continues]
[Lawrence] Fucking cunts!
That's it?
What was that
all about?
"I don't know if
she'll ever have me back."
I meant what I said.
I think I did.
Maybe I got carried away.
I get so anxious before
these shows I can't speak.
All I say is "mmm."
My stomach hurts.
I get gas.
Well, we all get gas,
and then I go up there
and sometimes I can't remember
a word I say up on that stage.
So, you didn't mean it?
I don't know
what I mean anymore.
In fact, in this precise moment, I don't
really know exactly who on earth I am.
But what about all the
love you left with me?
Mmm. You see? You see?
I'm doing it again.
Why did you
leave me there alone?
When I swam past the point,
and I saw that ocean,
I knew I had to keep swimming.
I knew it was the time.
I know it sounds corny, but
something was calling me out there.
I had to keep swimming.
But where did you go? I
swam around the corner.
- I hid behind a rock.
- What?
Then that guy Cornelius...
Remember him from the hotel?
Well, he was in on it.
He got me off the island.
I think I paid him
80 bucks to help me.
You big witch!
Who is this guy?
You're a big witch.
Are you just gonna poo on her
again like you did last time?
stay out of this!
No, I will not
stay out of this.
I've had to put up with Beverly Luff Linn
and his shit event for the past week
because the woman I am in love
with is in love with him.
So, no, I will not
stay out of this.
You have no idea, Edmund,
how lucky you are
to even have the possibility
of loving this special woman.
I know all too well
how special she is.
There was a little Lubird
As little as can be
And everywhere
That Edmund went
The Lubird went with he
They went to swim in oceans
They went to walk on land
And everywhere
They went together
They went there
Holding hands
Meine kleine Lubird.
Do you know what it feels like
when you simply don't belong?
Edmund, wait!
[music pounding]
Someone drinking
a Rum and a Ramble?
Um, well, let's see.
Yeah, it would appear so.
And how is it?
As creamy and delicious
as the last time.
Can I join you?
Captain, I'll have two
A Rumble in the Heather.
Absolutely, Miss Lulu.
And two more Rum and Rambles
for me, thanks, Captain.
Going out with a bang
at the Moorhouse Hotel?
I'm driving out in the morning.
Where are you going?
Colin would rather that
remain top secret, thank you.
But Lulu would like
Colin to tell her.
You don't have access
to that information.
You should know...
that Edmund was my first love.
You can have other loves.
Two Rumbles in the Heather and
two large Rum and a Ramble.
[music pounding]
[record scratches]
[music starts]
I love this song.
Don't you love this song?
I'm not familiar
with it.
But do you love it?
[man sings]
Don't come easy to me
It's all right.
But don't you love it?
To make you see
I love you Words don't come
easy Do you want to dance?
It's been a long time.
My moves are rusty.
It's okay.
Mine are too.
This is the only way
For me to say
I love you
Words don't come easy
Well, I'm just a music man
Melodies are so far
My best friend
But my words
Are coming out wrong
And I
I reveal my heart to you
And hope that you believe
It's true 'cause
Don't come easy to me
How can I find a way
To make you see?
I love you
Words don't come easy
This is just a simple song
That I've made for you
On my own
There's no hidden meaning
You know when I...
When I say
I love you, honey
Please believe I really do
[rock riff]
Don't come easy to me
How can I find a way
To make you see?
I love you
Words don't come easy
[scratches, stops]
You know
what I was thinking?
Every girl needs a Colin,
Be right back.
Now, Colin.
Now's the time.
I love you,
What did you say?
I think I said I love you.
I love you too, Lulu.
I'll tell you something, Bev.
This young pup'll be very keen to
get away from the shitpick dickhole
that was the Moorhouse Hotel.
There's your nibbles.
Nibbles, Bev.
Bev, nibbles.
Nibbles, Bev.
Bev, nibbles.
Bev, nibbles.
Bev, Bev.
Whoa, Bev!
Help! Help!
Help! Help!
We've got a death in here!
Help! Help!
This is a death scene!
Oh, my...
Good God, Bev. You scared
the hell out of me.
We all thought
you'd died!
[loud] Hmmm!
[both chuckle]
[music thumping]
[synthesized music]
[music stops]
[music changes]
[low groaning]