An Evening with Robin Williams (1983) Movie Script

1
San Francisco.
I love this city.
I grew up here.
It's always been a very,
very special place to me.
I leave, but there's
always something
that pulls me back
to this city.
The streets, and the
people I met there.
Get your paper here!
Hitler found in Hollywood signs.
Three picture deal!
Read all about it!
Get your copy of
National Intruding Sun.
Man marries sister,
father of own nephew.
How you doing there, pal?
Hey what it was, right?
Yasser Arafat, Ringo
Starr, same man!
Read all about it here!
Hey, pal, how you doing?
Hey, don't look so glum.
Hey, even the Pope couldn't
get in there tonight.
What are you, crazy?
It's that type of
night, you know?
Place is booked solid.
Yeah, how you doing, pal?
Hey, that's it, hey.
Hey, enjoy the show
there, you know?
Take care of yourself, hey.
Crazy guy.
Hey, you know, I used to see
this guy in the beginning.
Go to the opening of an
envelope, bug run, worm wrestle.
He'd be there.
And benefits.
Eh, he was the benefit pig.
What am I talking about?
I saw him do a benefit
once, Save the Shrimp.
Ain't that a bitch, yeah?
I ain't telling
anybody that before,
ah, he's a crazy guy, though.
Grew up around here.
Yeah, he did.
You know what I'm saying?
Grew up in Marin County.
He was 16 before he
had his first Porsche.
Yeah, had to work all winter
long, just to go to Europe.
Ain't that a bitch there?
Whoa, that's some
kind of day, eh?
How you doing there?
Hey, have a good show in there.
Ah, see.
They're still going in there.
How are you?
Paper!
Let's sneak in.
Take a chance.
Come on, that's what he's doing.
He hasn't got an act.
He's just out there.
Come on!
Let's improvise.
How you doing?
Nice night, eh?
Miss, thanks so much.
Whoa.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Robin Williams!
Thank you!
Thank you.
What a glory night
we have here tonight.
Hallelujah!
Will you look at this
little thing we have here?
The Sistine Chapel, designed
by Frederick's of Hollywood.
Look at that.
Now look at this.
Wayne Newton's living room.
My God, look at that thing.
It's the type of place where
Slim Whitman could sing Aida .
Yay.
You ever listen to that
man sing and think,
"My God, he's got
his balls in a vice?"
This
My special people up there.
It's the severely medicated
section right there.
Wonderful. My God, look,
we're home, San Francisco!
Back again!
Yeah!
Chill.
Talk about people
going, "Yeah, you are.
"You're home now.
"You better just be
real funny real quick."
San Francisco, where
God Save the Queen
has a different meaning.
Yes!
Let me wander out
here, don't be afraid.
Pardon me.
Hello, how are, take this off.
They haven't set yet.
Don't be afraid.
Hello. Pardon me, I'm
just reaching down.
Hello, how are you?
Little bandana, my God.
Hold on. Oh, look.
Now the people in the
bank recognize you.
Hello, how are you?
Lovely place, my God.
My God, what a
lovely shade of tweed!
Obviously, this is the
Marin section over here.
How are you?
How are you?
Hello, let's see.
Let's get some more damn
people in this place here.
Arafat, party of 6,000, please.
Look, look, look!
Ah, live at 5:00, live at 5:00.
I like to piss off the camera.
He's going, "Asshole,
stay in place."
Earthquake, earthquake, no.
Not funny to do here.
If there ever is an
earthquake in San Francisco,
it's just God saying, "Get
those condominiums off my back."
Mm.
Thank you, ooh.
Nice to have Goofy here.
Wandering over here, one second.
I have to wander back.
Thank you.
Oh, we're just
gonna work on this.
We're gonna tease it a little.
Just look at it.
How about those 49ers.
Do you think they're
ever gonna work again?
I don't know.
Let's look over here.
Let's just look over
here for a second.
Okay, we're gonna
pull it up here.
Hare Krishna.
Sorry, right now, she's going,
"I worked all day on that."
Ooh, more smoke.
I want to die.
Whoa.
Oh, my God.
What do they call this drink?
An acne pimple.
Mm.
Um, don't be afraid
of those open sores.
Excuse me.
How are you?
Just relax.
I'm really getting some
heavy tension from you.
You know, men have nipples too.
Did you know that?
The guy's going, "Really,
ha, ha, ha. Get off my back."
Hello, sir.
How are you?
Pardon me, I'm just wandering
through the audience.
Look at this ensemble!
My God, what is this?
A little raincoat you've
brought here this evening.
Hold on. Don't be afraid.
I'll have it back.
This is
a lovely thing. Oh, yes.
Now I can go on the buses again.
How are you?
And you find people in
San Francisco are so nice.
They don't flash people,
they just describe
themselves to you.
Sorry, oops. Excuse me.
Here we are, we'll
put this down now.
How are you?
Lovely coat, sir.
Pardon me, just
passing through again.
Feel like--pardon me,
thank you. Thank you.
Andre, please, keep the
people coming. Let's go.
Thank you.
Look at this!
Bought this at the Marquis
de Suede, no doubt.
In there with all
the people going,
"Oh, just give me the mask.
I don't care what it goes with."
All right, better
get back up here now.
Somewhere on a
beach in California,
there's a man
wandering around going,
"I know the tapes are here."
Ladies and gentlemen,
Paul Williams!
Before I go on, I'd like to do
a little ventriloquism for you.
Some guys in the back going,
see it, let's, come
on, do that stuff.
My crowd were here tonight.
Again, once again, my home.
Aye, the Marin County
people where I grew up,
Mom's here, mama!
Mama, Oedipus,
Schmedipus, I love ya.
I guess we should get
to the show real quick.
People are going,
"We paid good money now."
People in Marin paid
more than good money.
They paid beyond money.
Yes.
People going into
Marin County say,
"My God, look at that little
rainbow. Isn't that cute?"
Lie, they lie to you.
It's an ethnic detector.
We have two Negroes
heading south.
"Ah, what the hell?"
Those people are so damn wealthy
they don't get the crabs.
They get the lobsters.
People with names like,
I have friends with
names like Biff, Tad.
Muffy, how are you?
Good to see you.
They don't buy Lacoste shirts.
They actually staple a live
alligator to the house.
Little medical alert
badges that say,
"Please, a Perry and a BMW.
Quickly!"
A couple months ago,
they had a white shark
off the coast of Marin.
People were thinking,
"Thank God.
"At least it was white!"
Yes!
Yes, dammit.
You never see that white
shark go swimming in the bay,
up near Oakland,
'cause people are going,
"Get your ass
out of the water."
"Come on.
"Get your ass
out of the water.
"I'm gonna make some
shoes out of your booty.
", come on.
"Come on out. I'm waiting
for ya. Come on, dammit."
"And I'll use your fins
for your Cadillac,
"so fine, come on out."
Well, we better move on quickly.
Look at this.
We're saving this
booth for the Pope
to throw out the first baseball.
Play ball!
Oh, thank you!
Okay.
The animal people are here.
The type of people who
take a little medication,
go see Quest for
Fire , come out going,
"Wow, what an
incredible documentary."
Yes, we know.
We know, a camera!
You fool, I see!
Don't be afraid.
Wait, let me give you
a very special picture.
-Give me the camera.
-Okay.
I'll give it back.
Hold on here.
Let's see. Okay.
Here's a little
Japanese man having sex.
Focus, focus, damn it, focus.
Ah.
Yes.
Whoa, look at this here.
Let's give you a
very special picture.
There you go.
-Yes.
Oh, yes.
I'm glad you had the old
wide angle lens on there.
I can't wait til you
take that to Photo Mat.
My God, what is that?
An anaconda pressed up
against a plate glass window?
What is that?
Maybe you could send it
in to National Geographic ,
going, "It's the
Loch Ness monster."
And some scientist
going, "My God.
"I didn't know it
had only one eye."
It's incredible. Well, sorry,
I should give this back.
-Up there.
-What?
You thought I'd fall for that
old cameraman upstairs shit.
Ha, ha, no, look at me.
I'm safe now.
Enough's enough.
And now we can do like the
old water ballet movies.
And number four.
People in the back are going,
"What the hell's he
doing on the floor?"
"Doing that
carpet sweeper shit?"
I give you your camera back.
You may enter the country.
Please, how are you?
-Fine.
-Oh, nice to meet you.
Don't be afraid. Pass that back
to the lady back there,
with everything intact.
Oh, whew!
It's quiet now.
This is the way I like it.
Just like when I started
off about six years ago,
in small clubs late at night,
with two people
really drunk on wine,
going, "Who the hell is that?"
It's peaceful, I like it.
A couple of my
friends back there,
people who took a lot
of acid during the '60s.
Now they're selling Amway.
You realize, of course,
if James Watts sells off
all the national forests,
all the animals will be
on the freeway, going,
"Going to Canada?"
Those squirrels, little
four by five ,
"How you doing? How you doing?
Hey, hey, how are you?"
There'd be coyotes
and wolves outside
of every apartment
building going,
"Your cat's gotta
shit sometime."
"Let 'em out, come on!"
Then you'll see, you'll be
trying to throw the cat out,
and the cat's in
the doorway, going,
"I don't wanna die."
I'll use the sand.
I don't care.
Please.
There'd be a big bear
now on Market Street,
wearing a little forest men's
cap, out there going,
"Fuck the forest fire.
Give me a dollar."
Hey, look.
This is truly beautiful, though.
I once saw the real
Sistine Chapel.
It's wonderful.
Look up and see the
glory of man and God.
Saw two friends from
California there.
These two guys looked
like they're looking up,
they see all this wonderment,
they look up and go,
"Wow, bitchin'."
Then I kinda thought,
maybe Darwin was wrong.
Oh, no. All right, dear.
Look!
A little Polish Walkman radio.
Somebody sitting over the side's
going, "That ain't that big."
"I can carry two of
those suckers,
"and still drink a beer."
Aye. Isn't it strange, though?
Strange, a few months
ago on the news,
and they're talking about
the Falkland Island War.
Sometimes, they get
newscasters who get confused,
and go, "Today in
the Fucking Islands."
Pardon me?
He thought that somewhere
off the coast of Brooklyn,
there was some place
called the Fucking Islands.
Where you going?
"I live in the Fucking
Islands, okay?"
How you doing?
"Fucking okay, pal."
God, the only people who lived
there were ex-Italian waiters.
"How you doing?
Want me to mix
"your salad for you?"
No thanks.
And what was the language like?
"Fucking A, fucking B,
fucking C."
You realize that if
there was no oil there,
they fought a war for sheep.
Little Argentinian war
brides coming home.
"Are you Jose?"
Yes.
Strange.
And they're going, "How
was it for you, my dear?"
"Not baaaad."
But we Americans,
we did our part.
The English, the English
had Margaret Thatcher,
who kinda looks like
Julia Childs on Valium.
Doesn't she always look like,
she's like, she talks like,
"First of all."
She always looks like
someone's holding a small turd
under her nose like.
We sent Alexander Haig down
there to negotiate the peace.
Wasn't that wonderful?
Having Alexander Haig
negotiate the peace
is like having Charles
Manson as a male nurse.
"You're gonna be fine!"
"Jump start him
again, wah, wah, ha ha!
"Mr. Bojingles."
Do you ever have
this strange feeling,
when Alexander
Haig was in office,
that late at night, he'd
wander into the Oval Office,
going, "Shh, Ron?
"Just let me push
one damn button."
"Oh, Alexander, go in the
other room with James Watt,
"and hurt some squirrels.
Come on now."
I miss Al, now he's gone,
probably selling missiles
on late night TV.
"You want a better
deal, go see Al."
So there's only, "Hey, Alexander
Haig's house of missiles,
"come on down,
let me show you.
"We got this lovely
ICBM here.
"They can't hear
you, come and boom,
"they'll blow the
tits off the world!
"Look at this over here!
"We've got a designer cruise
missile, ooh la la, vaboom.
"Look at that there!
What is a cruise missile?
What is a cruise missile?
A missile that goes, "Look,
a city, let's destroy it!"
Every time I do that, I
feel like Richard Simmons.
"Let's go, girls, let's go!
"Five, six, seven, and
"move it, move it,
move it, move it!"
The man is so cruel.
The women, they love it.
"They go, you call those tits?
"I've seen better
lumps in oatmeal.
"Put them together, honey,
make one good one, let's go!
"Those are not calves, those
are steers, let's move it!
"You may have had an hourglass
figure but your time is up,
"let's go!
"Let's move, now let's go!"
The man has a house with
a closets so he can go,
"I'm in, I'm out, I'm in!"
Stains.
People over here are going,
"What the hell is
he doing now?"
Catch up!
Take it all.
These are the guys that
go, stand underneath
the Golden Gate Bridge
waiting for people to jump,
going, "Go for it!
"You might fly, you don't know!
"Come on, take a chance,
don't be afraid.
"For sure!"
Speak a new language.
There must be a new
language called Californese.
How are you? "I'm just like,
totally here for a while.
"It's been like a really--"
there's only 18
words in Californese.
It's like "gnarly, for sure,
totally, and bummed, wow.
"I'm together for a
while, okay go for it.
"Now, okay, we'll see
bye-bye, for sure."
White wine, this is
a little wine here.
If it's not wine, it's been
through somebody all ready.
Oh, sh, this is good though.
It's so nice, they
have white wines,
they have red wines.
-Yellow wines!
-Yellow wines?
Thank you, my son.
You know a mind is a
terrible thing to waste.
Why don't you help support
the United Caucasian
College Fund?
This is young Bob, now he's
working in McDonald's going,
"You want some more fries?"
Little tiny cape,
ooh, I love this.
There's a bullfighter.
"I told you, don't put
the cape in the dryer!
"Fuck!
"I cannot fight the bull with
this little fucking cape!
"How am I gonna hide
this sword behind?
"The bull will see the sword,
and he'll just go like,
"what, no way today!"
It's strange being a
bullfighter wearing those
little tight pants, people
going, "You're Catholic."
Yeah.
My God, woman!
No, no, no, where did
you get this coat?
My God, Marin.
My God!
This is lovely,
look at this thing!
My God, right now there's a
whole bunch of animals going,
"Shit, is it cold, Jesus."
Made from kittens
around the world.
Let's try this on.
I won't get the smell in there.
You'll take it home tonight and
the animals will be going,
Ooh, I guess you couldn't
afford the bottom fur.
I feel like Liberace
right now, going,
"Just leave me
the candelabra,
"damn you, leave
me the candelabra!"
This is wonderful.
"Robin's wearing the lovely
pants from Hefty Bag.
"Humped by Notre Dame."
This is incredible,
I love these.
This is the type of coat you
can go, "Andre, park the car."
We can play elephant man,
go, "I am not an animal!
"I am a comedian!"
Does your dog ever try and go,
"Just let me have it for
the night?"
That's a wonderful
coat, my God, dear.
That's taking a fashion risk.
Strange.
We sip some wine now
for a moment here.
A little eraser on the
blackboard of life.
There are white wines,
there are red wines,
but why are there no
black wines, like Reggie,
a motherfucker.
It goes with fish, meat,
any damn thing it wants to.
Thank you, Lumpy.
Have someone like Mean
Joe Green advertising it.
"You better buy this or I'll
nail your ass to a tree."
But if you ever drink
the elite wines,
you know the Pouilly-Fuiss,
or as we say downtown,
pussy fussy.
And you always have the guys
who taste the wines going,
"Mmm, yes, mmm, yes.
"Ah, absurd yet flaccid."
But I love the very,
very special wines.
The wines like
"Thunderbird," "Night Train."
The type of wines where
you take one sip and
your body says, "Everybody out,
two exits, no waiting!
"Oh, God!"
Some heavy duty paint
thinner in those wines.
And always on those
bottles of wine it says, like,
"Serve before Friday."
On the bottom says it
says, "Serve chilled."
And I'm sure a lot of winos
come into the store going,
"Pardon me, but this
sucker is tepid.
"Would you deposit this in
the refrigatorial receptacle
"until it's 58
degrees Fahrenheit?
"I like my wine like I like
my women, ready to pass out.
Now, will you just put
that in there?
I'll be out front
whizzing on your doorway.
You gotta be careful though,
if you're drinking
a little too much!
You get a little drunky wonky.
And you try and drive home
and the police nail your ass.
If you're driving in
the south, it's usually,
"Stop, or I'll shoot!"
If you're driving in
California, it's usually,
"Will you get out of the car,
realize your true potential.
"We'll share some energy
for a brief moment."
If you're driving in
San Francisco,
the policeman usually
gets out and goes,
"Search me, I might
have something on me!"
But you must be careful,
especially when smoking
a little marijuana.
Yes, yes.
Yes, the police have a
new test to nail you.
they get out of their car,
walk towards you like this,
"Will you get out of the car?"
And you're trying to be cool,
you're trying to maintain, going
- '"Get in the damn car!"
--
If you're doing a little
cocaine, the police just go,
"Behind you!"
"Get in the car!"
They have a test to see if
you've been drinking a little.
What they do normally is they
pull you over to the side
and say, "Do you realize
you were weaving?"
To which you reply,
"Weave, I don't even knit."
At that point, a little baton
goes right up happy land.
So you have to be careful, they
have a new drunk driving test,
I want you to know this just
in case you get pulled over
by la polizia , be careful.
First of all, they
make you go like this,
they make you stop, put your
arms out, close your eyes.
Makes you feel like
Easter, watch out.
Then they go like this, they
make you touch your nose twice.
They go like,
start off one, two.
And then here's the new part,
I want you to know this.
The new part is something
like, one, two, three,
four, five, six,
seven, eight, and nine,
and Fosse Fosse one,
Fosse Fosse two,
Uganda, Uganda,
Uganda, yes.
At that point, you just
have to look at the officer,
you look him right
in the eye and say,
"Fuck it, I'm drunk."
Like we all know, though,
if alcohol is a crutch,
then Jack Daniels
is the wheelchair.
You will roll right
over that abyss going,
"Hi, dee, doo, da, day."
Doesn't matter where
you're from in the country,
you take one sip of
Jack Daniels,
and you're on the road
coming to deliverance going.
"How about you just
dropping them panties.
"Who cares, let's go now!"
You have like eight
glasses of Jack Daniels,
you forget the English language,
you just have one
massive vowel movement.
If you're lucky, you find
someone else that drunk going.
You wanna go on out?
For sure!
But if you drink this shit,
you'll have to pay the
price in the morning.
'Cause you get out of
bed and all of a sudden,
you realize, "Oh
shit, gravity works."
There you are, there you are,
and you have to worship at
the old porcelain altar.
"Oh, damn, I didn't
put the seat up again!"
And you better pray you have
a friend that'll help you.
Like, you okay?
"I'm fine!
"Just don't flush me, dear
God, don't flush me now!"
And then you make the
mistake of going to work.
What a fool because you
can hear snails crawl.
All of your other friends
who haven't drank that night
come over, "How you doing,
Bob, good to see you."
"Why don't you just
eat shit and die!"
"A little Jack last night?"
Well, why don't you--
oh, fuck off!
I wanna find out where
they make that stuff.
I wanna take a trip down
to Lynchburg, Tennessee.
There'll be some guy waiting
for you down there going,
"How you doing?
"Welcome to Lynchburg,
who's that over there?"
"Someone that pissed
us off, a comedian.
"Come on in!
"You know my daddy
married his sister,
"but it didn't affect me.
"Come on in, let me take you
on a tour of the whole plant.
"Over here, this is my
brother Bob, he's the taster.
"Here's where we add
the secret ingredient."
Strange.
And then sometimes, you
always see those guys who
are truck drivers who
make it across the entire
United States in one day and
say they don't take speed.
"Bob, Bob, that's
the ocean up there!"
"Fuck it, I'm going through!
"I'm gonna get these pineapples
to Hawaii, come on now!"
Or sometimes you see
these hats on big guys,
men we like to call hunters.
Guys you see sometimes
on American Sportsman .
"This week on
A merican Sportsman,
"we're gonna hunt squirrels
with a 350 magnum.
"We're gonna blow their little
nuts off, aren't we, Bob?
"Come on now, let the
dog get what's left."
Then the real show where
they take the major chance
is Wild Kingdom .
They always cut to
Marlin Perkins going,
"My assistant, Tom, will
attempt to circumcise
"a water buffalo!"
And they cut to Tom, Tom's
in a field going, "Oh, lord."
And the big water buffalo going,
"Your ass is mine now, clown.
"You ain't got no gun, you
just got that medicaid shit."
Isn't it strange on
Wild Kingdom though,
they shoot these animals
up with something
called anesthe-darts, which
is real heavy medication.
It's no wonder the animals
come back next week going,
"Excuse me.
"Yeah, I was on the
show last week.
"Yeah, fuck the tags, I'd
like to be back on again!
Yeah, I'll run, yeah,
just roll the camera.
"I'm gonna run now.
Oh, damn!
"You nabbed my ass again."
I don't know.
Then they send these
poor medicated animals
to the New York City Zoo,
which is kind of like a
reform school for animals.
You see the lion in his cage
going, "Roar, big fucking deal."
They have a little cage full
of kvetching hyenas going,
"Nice day, might be,
you don't know that."
Little birds going
in their cages going,
"Filthy squirrels,
filthy squirrels!"
And then, then you always think,
"I can at least take the
kids to see the monkeys.
"The monkeys are almost
human, they're really fun.
"Come on, Tommy, let's
go see the chimps."
And just as you take Tommy to
the front of the chimp cage,
the little chimp up front goes.
"Let's go, son."
"Why, dad, I've seen
you do that."
"Easy boy."
Also sometimes,
you see these hats
on guys I like to
call weightlifters.
You know, like your
friends, the bodybuilders,
the guys you see
outside all year round.
Guys that pump iron.
Looks like someone shoved
an air hose up their ass.
"How you doing, Bob?"
I always just wanna
see one of those guys.
"How you doing?
Wah, oh shit, I cramped up.
"That's okay, I can
make it to the car."
Then there's always
the big bodybuilders,
like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Arnold in Conan the Retailer,
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
There he is.
I always wanna say,
"Arnold, come on now,
"you take steroids, don't you?"
"No way!"
Look at this here.
'9ers!
This man is a
professor at Stanford.
Doesn't matter what
type of job you have,
you may be a PhD professor,
but all of a sudden,
you're like '9er field.
"'9ers!"
Professor Hibbel.
Well, I like the team, '9ers!
40 fucking 9ers!
Thank you, Sister Theres.
She and Father Tom are
going, "Fucking eh, boy.
"Get out there today and tear
the titties off the other team.
"I don't want you
to hold back, Jim,
"when you go out there today,
"and we here at Saint Swithens
have a wonderful policy.
"Let's do that Saint
Swithens cheer now,
"Rickum, rackem,
ruckem, ruckem,
"get that ball and
really fight!"
Be great if there's a
high school somewhere
in Marin County
called Saint Samia.
What's the cheer like?
"Whoa, wow.
Whoa, wow.
"Go for it right now."
Or you play the high schools,
you play the high schools
from Oakland like,
"Mama, ra, ra, ras,
"we're gonna nail your
honky ass, get up!"
Yeah, it's strange.
People cheer now, but where
were you six years ago?
Where were you six years
ago when the 49ers had
a quarterback going, "We'll
hike when the energy's right."
When you used to have
lineman who go like,
"Well, I really can't
deal with him,
his pressure's too intense!
"I mean, he just, he
wants to run over me.
"I tried all the moves,
I tried the thing,
"I let him go by and then
I pushed him, get off!
"Get off the field!
I don't need this pressure!"
What's it gonna be?
There's a football strike
going on.
I mean, what are those
guys gonna do for a living?
I mean, that's one picket
line I don't wanna cross.
"How you doin'?"
"Mr. Green." "What?"
"You better
not mess with me."
"Oh, thank you, Mr.
Green, thank you."
I mean, what are
those guys gonna do?
What's the center gonna do
now that he's out of work?
Go work in a fast
food restaurant going,
"Your hamburger's ready!"
What are the referees gonna do,
referees gonna come
go.
Dyslexia is a horrible disease.
I was the only child
in Halloween to go,
"Hi, trick or trout."
So sad to see all
the mothers going,
"It's the William's boy, I
better give him some fish."
What are the referees gonna do?
Are they gonna
become go-go boys?
See referees downtown
going, "Look, five yards!
"Let's go, TD, let's
go, don't you know!"
But now, now the 49ers
have real linemen,
you know what
I'm talking about.
You know, head, neck optional.
Big men, big men that go like,
"What did you do
today, Billy Bob?"
"Basically what I like to do
is break through the line,
"grab a quarterback
and say, 'Make a wish.'"
Strange, though.
What is a center?
What is the position of
a man who plays center?
What do you say, what
do you do for a living?
You say, what do you do?
"Well, basically, I bend
over, I have a little towel
"hang over my ass."
behind you and goes, "Why
haven't you called me?"
At that point, "Yo, you're
out of here, clown!"
But also, the most
important man of all,
a little tiny man named
the field goal kicker.
Usually European with names
like, Eban.
And they're usually like this,
it's usually like, "Okay,
field goal, $1,000.
"Okay, field goal, $2,000.
"Uh, oh, lineman, fuck
it, take the ball."
But the real important
man on the football team
we know is the quarterback.
-Usually...
Usually men with big
hands and big feet.
And you ladies know
what that means.
Yes, yes!
Big gloves and big shoes.
These quarterbacks are
always shot in slow motion
because they're always
coming up to the line,
it's always very
much instant replay.
Oh, shit!
Run, run, run!
Oh damn, damn, damn.
"Eliott!
"Eliott!
"Ouch, I'm standing
on my testicles.
"Ow, ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow, ow."
It's a very, very tender area.
Oh, easy boy, whoa, easy.
It's like a little rodeo pony
in there, "Let me out, come on!"
Grab it!
Grab it, no, no.
I can't grab him because
he'll be going, "Whoa!"
Men do that, though, we do grab
the little area down here.
We don't know why.
When you're nervous, you
always see guys that get
a little nervous like, gosh...
Sorry, honey.
Damn it.
It's just a strange beast.
I don't know why, even
President Reagan must.
That's why they have a little
podium cutting him off.
"Nancy and I--no, no!"
Everyone does, every man
in a nervous situation
will be grabbing it.
That's why they used to tell the
baseball players,
"Don't touch that!"
I see a lot of guys
going, "Yeah, yeah."
Most men can't even
call it what it is.
You say, what is that?
"A penis."
What?
"It's my penis."
You can't say it, can you?
"No, I can't."
So we think of other names
that really macho guys...
What do you call it?
"That's the incredible heat
seeking moisture missile."
"Yes!"
It may not have a conscience,
but it does have a memory.
"Watch out, fire one!
Easy boy, whoa!
"Fire two, whoa!"
Feels like it's leading
you around town.
"I don't care, whoa,
easy, easy."
Then you get like, sometimes
other guys, the adventurers,
it's the throbbing
python of love.
I like to kind of
compromise in between.
I like to call him Mr. Happy.
So if something's going
wrong, you can say,
"Oh, look, he's pouting, aww."
Hi, peekaboo.
So nice to know Mr. Happy
has luggage too.
Like, "Where you
want these bags?"
Strange little creature.
Oh, no. You look down,
you look at him, go, "Why?"
I can't wait until they have
the metric system though,
so you can go,
"How big are you?"
"120.
"You can call me
mister tripod now."
Why?
Why do we evolve with
Mr. Happy here?
Was it like in the old days
so they could tell time?
Be going, "What time is it?"
"Er, about 12:00.
"No, uh, maybe
about 3:00 now.
"Whoa, yeah, high noon now!"
Why, why couldn't
he be right here?
Wouldn't it be nice
if Mr. Happy were
in the middle of your chest?
It'd sure make dancing
a lot more fun.
You'll be dancing going,
"Having a nice night, Betty?"
"Yes, I am, Tom,
but what's that?"
"A fountain pen."
"Well, it's leaking."
It's a strange relationship
that men have with Mr. Happy.
- It usually starts.
--
Oops, there comes my ride.
What we were talking about?
It doesn't matter, once
again, we went off that way.
The police set me off.
It's like that way, I
guess, for most people.
Look out, once again, I
look out at the faces,
people say, "It's all right."
My mother's over there saying,
"Just like the old
days, isn't it?"
Mama knows, mama
used to see me and
she'd tell me these
wonderful jokes.
My first joke was,
I love you in blue,
I love you in red, most of all,
I love you in blue.
See, mama, it still work!
We come to America with a dream!
And look where we buy a
house in Tiburon, ah, yes.
Tiburon, from the
Spanish word Tiberone,
meaning condominium.
Condominium, from
the Latin word,
meaning to overcharge
for no reason.
What we were talking about
before, my little friend.
Right now he's saying,
"Get back to me."
I know that, shut up.
"Er, come on, come on!"
But we men know the first
time you met Mr. Happy
was during a time
called puberty.
Puberty is when nature says,
shake hands with Mr. Happy.
-You know that.
You know, it's like,
you're upstairs,
usually with a copy of
National Geographic
playing Seor Wences.
"Will you call me in the city?"
"Not tonight."
But no one had the real guts,
no one had the honesty when
you're locked in the bathroom,
your father's
knocking on the door,
you're in there oiling
the old baseball glove!
And your father's knocking
on the door going,
"What are you doing
in there, son?"
No one had the honesty
to say, "Going blind!
"Damn it, I don't care!
"If it feels this good, I'll
take the hair, I don't mind."
And then you had the
other problems when you're
going through puberty,
something called an erection.
They'd happen at the wrong time,
you'd be having your
first close dance,
all of a sudden,
"Gosh, Becky, nice...
"Don't go away!
"Do you find me repulsive?"
When actually you felt
like a pirate going,
"Send the bitch
back to me now.
"Don't be lying to
me now,."
Oh, but you girls, you
girls and Madame Wonderful.
Yes, you got to go
through puberty riding a
mechanical pony in front
of the supermarket.
Remember that.
"Mama, can I have
another quarter?"
"Suzie, that's eight
dollars worth."
"I know!
"Oh, this has
the perfect motion.
"Two forward, a little back,
and a wonderful wiggle, mama.
"I still respect you."
It's alright.
Strange beast it
is, but we all know,
the ultimate purpose, all
of Mr. Happy's exploits,
is babies.
Isn't it strange that
the male of the species,
as men, we spend nine months
trying to get out of the womb
and then the rest of our life,
trying to get right back in.
How does one little sperm
make it past all that rubber?
It must have it like
the English war movies,
where one sperm gets to
the diaphragm and goes,
"Everybody else, over me,
keep swimming, go on!"
Then you get the wise ass
sperm named Otto going.
"Here comes the IUD."
Finally, one breaks
through all of that,
breaks into the inner sanctum!
There's the ovum
going, "Hello, sailor."
At this point, all of a
sudden Carl Sagan walks out
and goes, "We peer out,
"past billions and
billions of tiny semen,
"wondering how one
reaches its final mark
"and fetus, don't fail me now."
There it is, a little
baby going,.
Ah, how wonderful,
suspended in the air,
you have your own pool.
Always set at a
wonderful temperature
of whatever mom's
feeling that day.
How nice, very quiet.
Never have to send out for
food, it's always womb service.
No, I'm sorry I said it, it
was there, I had to use it!
feeling, a little
child's in there just waiting.
But how lucky can
you be as a baby?
As soon as you're
born, you come out,
"Are those two
titties for me?
"Oh, yay!
"Adjusting the volume."
But imagine Dolly
Parton's child.
It's like, "Kilimanjaro!
"Yay, I'm gonna feed the world!"
I have good news for you.
I am going to be a father.
You hear that, boy?
Yeah!
He aimed straight and true!
I feel like William Tell now.
I don't know who the
mother is, but hey.
No, of course, it's wonderful.
I have to take these little
classes now, Lamaze classes.
I'm taking a new
one called La-mans.
I'm with two little flags
in the operating room going,
"You're out of there!"
I have Jackie Stewart going,
"It's a great birth today,
, great birth.
"Look at the placenta there,
it's gonna be a great thing.
"They're cutting
the umbilical now.
"The little fetus
is out."
Then you have the real
fun of naming the child.
Some people used to name their
children out of the bible,
I plan to use the TV guide.
"Hey, call Jack, Magnum, get
in here, girls, let's go."
Actually, I think I'll
name it, if it's a boy,
I'll call him Christopher.
- All right!
-Yes.
Oh there's a guy-- I bet
your name's Chuck, isn't it?
"Right on, for sure!"
If it's a little girl,
I'll call it Christina.
Or Christiana, Christiana.
That way she can write a
book called Daddy Dearest .
I can't wait until the child
speaks its first words.
There you are going, "What is
it, what is it, Christopher?
"What are you trying to say?"
"Trust fund."
"Did mommy teach you that?"
Then their first birthday
party, daddy's going berserk.
"All right, children, let's
try a little comedy routine.
"Now, two Jews
walk into a bar."
"No, father, no!
"I don't wanna
do any comedy!"
"Christopher, come
on, let's try this!"
"No, let it give it a break,
dad, give it a break!"
"Come on now, what do you
want for your birthday?"
"Power of attorney!"
"Christopher, no!
"You go up to your room,
you walk to your room
"and play with the
rubber chickens!
"You're gonna be funny today!
"Come on now, try this,
ah, come on!
"What, isn't
good enough for you?
" Popeye isn't good
enough for you?"
"Popeye wasn't good for
anybody, who are you kidding!"
"You go up to your
room now, young man!
"And you be funny today!"
"No dad, fuck that, I'm going
up to my room alone again!"
Then Christopher
grows older, he's 21,
he's leaving the house.
"Dad?"
"Chris, how are you today?
"Come on now, hey."
"Pop, that's real sick.
"I'm leaving the house, pop,
just wanna say goodbye to you."
"Well, you're gonna be
one funny comedian."
"Fuck that, dad.
"I'm gonna be a scientist,
father, I'm gonna cure herpes."
"Ha, mister smarty pants,
mister big shot now!
"You couldn't go out, you
couldn't be funny, eh?
"The three houses wasn't
good enough for you, huh?
"The fucking ranch wasn't
good enough for you, huh?
"What's wrong with you,
boy, what's wrong with you?"
"Like you always said, let the
asshole have the last word."
"What do you mean,
let the asshole--
"You nailed me, you little shit!
"Come back here!
Damn you, Christopher!"
And he goes away, I go
on a drinking spree.
I end up downtown.
"Remember me, na na na na!
"Ah sir, pardon me, can
you spare $40,000 a week?
"Oh, I don't care what you say.
"I'm gonna find a way that
asshole Nielsen lives.
"Little guy with the box
who likes his shows.
"Damn it, I don't care.
"I clawed my way to the middle
and I fucked my way down!
"I don't care, damn
it, I don't care!
"Right now I'm feeling
single and drinking doubles!
"Oh, Jesus!"
"Pop, I have come
to take you home."
"Christopher?
"You don't wanna
take me home.
"You don't want me."
"Yeah, I do, pop, let's go.
"Hey, dad."
We have an announcement
before I go on,
will the owner of
the DeLorean car,
will you please
check your trunk,
I think you'll find your rebate.
Sure gives new meaning
to toot the old horn.
I don't know, cocaine's
such a bizarre thing.
You always see six
or seven guys crammed
into one small stall.
Then you hear them all come
out and all you hear is this.
Then one guy has the guts
to go flush, "Let's walk out."
"You think there's
any speed in this?"
"Nah, there's no speed."
It looks like Howdy
Doody on acid.
"I'm fine, wanna go
back to your seat?"
"Yeah, let's go back
to our seats now."
Yes, we know what
they're doing in there.
They're doing the
devil's dandruff.
The Peruvian marching powder!
You're doing cocaine
in there, we know.
You know, cocaine is
God's way of saying,
you're making too damn much
money, you know that, yes!
Yes, indeed, dee, da.
You know, because also
the wonderful side effects
of cocaine, the paranoia
and the severe impotence.
And you find yourself standing,
looking out the window,
going, "No one's there still."
Finally your dog walks
into the room going,
"You okay, man?
"Listen, if there was
someone out there,
"I would've barked by now.
And then the people have
the stuff that's cut
with the wonderful things
like something else.
And sometimes people
have the good shit too,
where they go, "Here,
try this, man, come on."
"What was in that, man?"
"Fiberglass.
"I didn't think you'd notice."
"Nah, man, I like bleeding
like this, that's fun!"
Yes, and then you
make the big mistake,
you try and go to bed.
You feel like a
vampire on a day pass.
You're lying in bed in a
big pool of your own sweat,
with Buddy Rich on
your heart going.
And you have conversations
like this, "Yeah, I'm fine,
"redundant, redundant,
redundant,
"redundant, redundant,
redundant.
"Redundant, redundant,
redundant!
And then, then you think,
I'll take a Quaalude,
I'll be fine.
Taking a Quaalude then
is like throwing bricks
in the Grand Canyon.
Quaalude's such an
anti-evolutionary drug,
so strange, you see a girl
who's taken two or three
Quaalude's in the
lipstick room going,
"Is my makeup on?"
I don't know.
You can always save
money on Quaaludes.
You wanna save
money on Quaaludes?
Just take a ball
peen hammer and go.
It has the same effect,
makes English optional.
Then you make the ultimate
mistake, you walk outside
and every animal in the world
knows that you're fucked up.
Even the birds are going.
Mr. Hitchcock, please!
Finally, I saw once
my cat ate a Valium.
So sad, sad little
kitty, he ate the Valium.
So I'm sitting over
in the corner looking
at his paws going,
"Me, oh shit, I
knew how that went.
"Oh yeah, meow!"
"For sure!"
Do you ever come home late
at night, turn on your light,
your cat's in the cat box going,
"Turn off that damn light!
"All right, I'm gonna
put the shit everywhere!"
Our cat got revenge
on me though.
My cat got revenge
because one morning,
Mr. Happy woke
up before I did.
-Morning!
The cat was laying on the
end of the bed and went,
a mouse!
Oh, lord!
Nothing more painful
in the world as
prying those four little claws.
Especially when the cat's
going, na na, na na.
That's when I invented
the cat-apult.
The cat thought he was safe
too, hit the wall and went,
"Oh shit, teflon!"
But you know your cat
doesn't care about you.
He doesn't care about you.
If it's warm, sure,
he'll be nice.
If it's cold outside, he'll
run up against your leg going,
"I love you."
But it's like late at night,
usually 5:00 in the morning,
all of the sudden your cat
wanders downstairs going,
"Gotta go outside!
"You better open the door!"
"I'm gonna take a
dump on the rug!
"You know, the shag carpet!"
And you haul your
ass downstairs,
you open the door,
the cat goes, "Later."
You think, now I
can go back to bed.
No, no, kitty has more
surprises for you.
Because kitty goes out and
finds the only other cat
in heat in 800 miles.
And has the sex of a lifetime
under your bedroom window.
Sitting under there
going, "Oh, yes!
"More four paw!
"Oh, now, oh, get it up!
"Oh, name the kittens after me!"
Then he has the audacity
after fucking his brains out
to come home at 6:00
in the morning going,
"I gotta come back in now!
"I better come in!
"I'm gonna fuck up the screen!"
You haul your ass downstairs,
open the door again,
the cat's going,
"How you been?"
Usually your dog's
over here going,
"Ooh, you're gonna get it now!
"Oh, God, oh, boy,
they're gonna kick you."
Your cat just walks past
your dog going, "You asshole."
You never see a cat go,
you never see a cat out in
like a major park going,
"Hey, a frisbee!"
They never go for
that stupid shit.
It's always the dog
going, "I'll do it!
"What do you want me to do,
piss on a tree, I don't care!
"Jump out, want me to
swim in the water,
"get the dead bird, I'll do it!"
They have the dogs that work,
like to smell out drugs,
those dogs are lucky though.
End of the day you see the
dogs sitting in their kennels
going, "Hey, great day,
wasn't it, damn it.
"Bob, yeah, I knew Renny,
he and I were like this."
Then you see the dogs,
the other dogs who work
in the bomb squad going,
"I don't wanna die.
"I've got puppies to feed!"
But how, how do they ever make
little dogs like Pekingese?
How do they make a Pekingese?
How do they make a Pekingese?
Did someone say,
"Look,
"a dog, let's hit in
the face with a shovel!"
Strange little dogs.
They all sound like
they have asthma too.
I have a strange dog.
I have a dog called a Malamute.
-Yes.
Yes, the dog is so mellow.
The dog is just the
kindest, doesn't even bark,
just goes, "Wow."
The little California
cat that goes "Me-wow."
We used to have a little New
York cat, didn't even meow,
just go like, "What
do you want from me?"
Yeah, it's strange
but in New York, though,
they have rats that
are so damn big,
they sit out the apartment
buildings go, "Here kitty,
"come on, man!"
If you ever lived in New York,
if you ever lived in New York,
you'd come home late at night,
you turn on your lights,
in your apartment,
there's 17 cockroaches by
the refrigerator going,
Hello my honey, hello my--
The two biggest cockroaches
of all are standing
by the refrigerator going,
big can of Raid in
their hand going,
Damn, shit.
"You caught a buzz yet?"
"Let's go over there and
stay in that roach motel."
They go in the roach motel,
there's a big Black
Widow spider going,
"I got something for your ass."
Praying mantis wondering
out going, "Hare Krishna."
Sorry I got off on
that but I feel like,
hey, who cares?
Wait, don't go now, don't go!
You're gonna miss the
really heavy duty stuff!
Okay, we'll wait.
No pressure!
Let's put on that
closed circuit video.
She'll be back in a few minutes.
Go see if she's okay, will ya?
She might be dead
in there, let's see.
Damn it, the poor
woman might be trapped.
-Allison.
-Her name is Allison?
-Allison. Allison.
-Allison? Allison.
Allison, this is the police,
we know you're in there.
Allison, if you come out,
we won't have to have
a fight, Allison.
Come on out.
We're gonna throw
in stuff in there
if you're not
coming out, Allison.
We've got the dogs out here.
Allison, we brought your mother.
"Ali, come out.
"Ali, come out of the
bathroom now, girl."
Allison, we brought
Rabbi Tom with us too.
"Ali, what are you
doing in there?"
Ever since you've been
hanging out with the shiksas
you've been a different girl.
Allison, damn it,
girl, come out!
She's safe in there.
Dad, it's okay, I'll find her.
I feel like those native guys.
Oops, this man's backing
up in these people going,
"Shit, we paid good
money to get stepped on!"
Hold on, I got the chair.
Don't be afraid!
Sorry, well, she's gone now.
Well, I guess she
won't be coming back.
She won't be needing this then.
Oh, this is nice.
Now they're gonna go--
Is she gonna go find her?
She's okay, it's all right.
Slowly but surely, everybody
go look for Allison.
"one woman went out and
the rest followed her!"
"What happened?" "I don't
know, but it was like that.
"The family was left on stage
going, 'Who was that woman?'
"She went away--"
It was Mrs. Happy?
You hear that, boy!
Well, this is...
"Welcome to the Sierra
Club's first annual roast."
She's back!
Allison, you're safe!
You're safe, oh, Ali!
Oh, my God!
I didn't think she'd come back.
And now your friend's
trapped in there now.
Oh, my God, I can see
on the afternoon news,
they're going, "Allison
finally reappeared today.
"Another wonder of
club performing."
Oh, sorry, we just did
five minutes on you.
I guess that shows you
where my act's at, I guess.
Doing five minutes on
a poor innocent woman
going back to the bathroom.
I know, many of you are singing.
Singing? Or
thinking, either one.
You know, Uncle
Ronnie has a plan,
he's just not telling any of us.
Do you ever look at
Ronald Reagan and say,
"My God, that man's
really medicated?"
I think Nancy's been
dubbing him for years
and haven't told us yet.
Ever notice, he doesn't speak
while she's drinking water?
There's a wonderful
thing he does.
There's the space shuttle.
There's a space shuttle
up there.
It's so good to know that if
there's ever a nuclear war,
there'll be three men in space
going, "What was that noise?"
And every time they spend
up the space shuttle,
the toilets back up.
Why can't they deal
with cosmic caca?
Every time they're up there,
there's usually an announcement
like, "Yes, squealer 1-9.
"We have a warning here."
"What is it about?"
"We have a major problem here
"with our feces
recycling system."
"Bill, can you be
more specific?"
"All right, sir, the shit's
hit the fan up here.
"And the fan's on high,
if you catch my drift."
You know that a toilet backing
up in zero gravity's like,
They always run it
through the computer too.
"Have you run it through
the computer, Bob?"
"Yes, sir."
"What'd it say?"
"Jiggle the handle."
"Fuck that, we're going outside.
"You ready, Bib?"
"Yes, sir.
"One giant step for mankind,
one great relief for me."
Mr. Happy in space.
"Let it rip, Bob.
"You better reel it
in, you're on TV.
"Fire one."
"Whoa, no, whoa!
"Whoa, easy. Tether me in,
Bob, tether me in!
"Look, I'm writing my name
over the entire Soviet Union,
"look at that!"
Strange.
Russian farmers
the next day going,
This is nice, now look, this
is what I was trained for.
I was trained to be
an actor, this is it.
I know, I want to do Hamlet ,
I really could've done it
except I was at school once,
that's when they
threw me out, I guess.
I was doing Hamlet and I went,
"Alas, poor Yorick."
Strike!
And Houseman, John Houseman,
the last words to us
was always nice when he said,
"The theater needs you!
"I'm going off to sell Volvo's."
Okay, John.
I wanted to be a method and
I couldn't, I couldn't.
I wanted to be just
like those people,
they wanted to treat us
to "annunciate every word!
"To speak like this,
like Richard Burton for
"Dos Equis beer!
"I will need this beer more
than you need this beer."
Maybe like, I could have
been a method actor maybe,
like Dustin Hoffman.
Maybe like Al Pacino,
then I could've done Al Pacino
when he did Richard III.
It was like,.
People always look at method
actors like, "What's he saying?"
"Shut up, he feels it!"
The man I really want
to see play one day is
I wanna see Jack
Nicholson play Hamlet.
Can you see him out there,
have like denim tights on.
Out there going, "To be
or not to goddamn be.
"Whether it's nobler
to take the caca
"or sling it right back at 'em."
Dream, fantasies like that.
Like this.
I'm glad there's someone there.
I'd like to do something very
special for you right now.
John Davidson sings Devo.
Come on now,
whip it, hey
Whip it good now
Whip it
Thank you!
Beat me, call me trash
Try to remember
Shit, I knew how that
went, wait a minute.
Try to remember
One more time.
Fuck, I knew it!
Try
Oh, fuck it, let's go on!
Too much pressure, like Liza.
Let's start singing!
They gave me some
toys to play with.
Yes, look, oh my God,
a Catholic self abuse.
Go to hell, go to hell.
"Is this your first time here?"
This is wonderful.
"Come on, Wilber, fuck it.
We can't fly with just one."
Oh, my God, this is great.
"Men of Troy, we've
had another budget cut
"in the defense plan!
"This year we'll be forced to
fight with tupperware again.
"Remember, burp your shield
before you go into combat."
This must be really
bad, some guy going,
"Oh shit, oh damn it.
I can't.
"Another Christian crusade, just
follow the children, let's go."
Oh, this is--oh, look!
My God, a diaphragm
for an elephant!
"Simba, come on!
"Come on, now honey!
"Mojo is coming and we just
gotta put something in there."
All those musicals, "Moving
along, don't you know."
falling
from the planes.
Oh, my God, somewhere, DaVinci
was sitting in a small garage
going, "Oh, nice idea.
"I think maybe I'll
write about it backwards
"and just to piss people off."
Oh, yes.
Oh.
Would this make you happy?
I think it just might fit.
Oh, I'm sorry!
It's nice to know
I went too far and
there's a whole people
going, "Yes, you did."
People like people, a
mass conscience going,
"You took that chance, boy."
I feel like an Irish
priest, you walk out going,
"Damn it, boy, you're
there for a moment
"and then you went over
the fucking brink!
"Now, come on now,
boy, come with me son,
"give me the gun.
"Oh, real funny, Tom.
"I had my healing cloth
and bullet proof vest on.
"You're going to
hell for that, Jim.
"You're gonna smoke a turd
in purgatory for that one."
I don't know.
You ever see those
kids, little kids,
used to sit at home and
always have the guys
who pull the stupid
shit like going,
"Come on, Bobby, jump off
the roof, it will work!"
I was the kid that said,
"Fuck, who needs the umbrella?"
Oh, my, oh, yes!
Oh, yay!
I like to take these
down to the zoo and
put them in the turtle cage.
You watch the male turtles
going, "Give it up, come on!"
See the male turtles come
back to the other male turtles
and the other male
turtles going, "How was it?"
"Damn it, now.
"Now many of you men will
go into combat might
"experience some severe
mental difficulties.
"I, myself, have had
eight tours of duty!
"And have had no...
The doctor says I
wasn't allowed to have
any oral sex for a month.
Hold on.
I am a guardian comedian.
If you are riding BART,
and someone shows you Mr. Happy.
Simply look at him and
go, "I don't do miniatures."
Also, remember, laughter is
the best form of birth control.
I always feel like those
movies, where they go,
"All right, men, today we need
somebody to do something.
"Somebody to do something
incredibly fucking dumb today.
"We all drew straws
and you, Lumpy,
"you're the one to
do it, aren't you?"
"Sir, I don't care as long
as you pay me before I go."
"Ah, Jimbo, I want you
to jump out of the plane
"wearing nothing but your
kilts and no underwear.
"That way, boy, you'll
know the meaning
"of something wonderful."
Sorry, it sounds like I
have a cat in a blender.
Sorry, right now there's
probably some Scotch men
in the back going, "You better
withdraw that one, boy.
"I read some of your
press releases.
"You said you were born in
Edinburgh, you little
lying shit.
"Where were you born,
where were you born?"
Now I'd like to do...
this is Elmer Fudd
sings Bruce Springsteen.
I'm driving in my car
I turn on the radio
I pull you a little closer
You say no
You say you don't like it
I say you're a riot
But then we kiss
It's like fire
Good night, everybody!
God bless you all!
-
A toast!
Good night!
I'll see you all
in another year!
Good night!
"All right, boys, boys,
boys, come over here."
"Father, we're all
straight here."
"Oh, you're not a
bi, come over here!"
Strange.
Paper, get your paper here!
Read all about it!
Bo Derek put magnetic
beads in hair.
Follows bus for a mile!
Paper!
Paper, read all about it!
Nancy Reagan teases hair
higher than national debt!
Paper!
Paper, read all about it!
How you doing, get
your paper, pal.
How you doing, how you doing?
Keep moving, go on, go to
human car wash of love.
Whoa, Mr. Williams, how are you?
Ninny Ninny, how are you, Jesus!
What are you doing here on
Broadway, you crazy bastard.
You can catch diseases
just walkin' around.
Be careful, Mr.
Williams, watch out.
You bastard, you're crazy!
They got all sorts
of crazy people here.
Come in here, Mr. Williams.
Oh, what are you doing in here?
Yeah, yeah, watch out.
Hold on, my friend over there,
that's Lola, she's a hooker.
How are ya, Lola?
Good to see ya.
Mr. Williams, don't
make fun of her,
that woman gives mind,
you know what I'm saying?
She can bend spoons,
know what I'm saying!
Watch out for that!
SHe's a psychic, watch out.
Wambo, you didn't even
know you'd been had.
Pardon me, Mr. Williams,
I'll close the door here.
Jeez, what are you
doing on Broadway?
Hey, you've been walking
in some of those porno
movie houses, you
better be careful.
Yeah.
Mr. Williams, come here.
Mr. Williams, will you look at
this weird shit I gotta sell.
Will you look at this stuff.
Look, Mr. Williams, I
gotta ask you something.
You know Pam Dawber, Mindy?
You drill her?
I didn't think so.
Mr. Williams, will you look
at some of these magazines?
Look at this, here's your
favorite magazine, Mr. Williams.
Look, The Enquirer, watch out!
Yeah, yeah, Mr. Williams.
You know, Mr. Williams,
a funny thing,
look at the headline
on this Enquirer.
"Man Locks Himself
in Refrigerator,
"Eats Own Foot to Survive."
You know a funny
thing, Mr. Williams,
I put a copy of The
Enquirer in my cat box
and my cat won't go in there.
Yeah, it just looks up
at me and says, "Why,
"that be redundant,"
ain't that funny?
Yeah, Mr. Williams!
Come in here, Mr. Williams!
Mr. Williams, look at this!
Look over here, Mr. Williams.
Look at this one here.
Limited nuclear war possibility.
Hey, won't that be
fun, Mr. Williams?
I mean, who's gonna
win a nuclear war?
One guy with two heads going,
"We won, did we, we won."
Mr. Williams, wouldn't
it be nice, Mr. Williams,
if they could fight
wars with comedy?
Wouldn't it be
nice, Mr. Williams?
Seeing guys going to comic
carrying the rubber chicken,
"your mama!"
And instead of landmines, they
have little whoopy cushions.
"They got Tommy, oh, no!"
See that, don't
you, Mr. Williams?
Hey, come here, Mr. Williams.
You gotta take better
care of yourself,
what are these, roadmaps
of Iowa, come here.
Come here.
Shh, be quiet for a
second, Mr. Williams.
Look at this, I got something
special to show you.
You know, most people got
autographs of movie stars,
I've got something
special for you.
Look at this one, Mr. Williams.
It's an autographed
picture of Albert Einstein.
Yeah, remember what
he said, Mr. Williams?
He once said, "My sense of
God is my sense of wonder
"about the universe."
See that, Mr. Williams.
Look at him, look at his eyes.
There's a guy, you see
the light surrounding
everybody's home.
Here you go, Mr. Williams.
You got a bun in the oven
now so you need this.
Better take care of yourself.
When your child's born,
you pass it on to your kid.
Yeah, that way they see
somebody that does it, you know,
see the light.
Yeah, you better go on now.
Come here, let me
let you out this way.
Shh, shh.
Don't let those
people bother you.
Mr. Williams, Mr. Williams,
some advice to you.
You're gonna have to
have an operation one day
to have your hand
removed from there.
You know, play with people,
not yourself so much.
Maybe you should just
get a little microphone
so they can hold
that for a while.
Okay, Mr. Williams, take
care of yourself there.
Look at his face, you
know the man knew,
that guy you got in
your hand, he knew.
Take care, Mr. Williams!
Nah, I don't want a tip!
hey, joke them if they
can't take a fuck, okay!
Good night!
Long live home!
-
That was fun.
See ya later.
You gonna stay
in town tonight?
I'm heading to the
ranch tomorrow.
Good night.
Good night, thanks
again, Robin.
Mr. Williams.
Nanu Nanu, eh?
Is that you, pops?
Yeah, yeah, it's
me, how are you?
Hey, it's been a long time.
Look at you, boy, whoa.
What happened, Sears blow up?
Boy, you crazy bastard, you.
Yeah, that wouldn't
happen to be me up there?
No way.
Because I talk out of
this side of my mouth.
The whole reason I'm
talking on this side
is to mess you up.
Pass you in both lanes.
Nah, you remember the old days.
You'd sit there,
sit and talk to me.
I remember I saw something
in your eyes then.
Yeah, you saw something beyond.
And I saw it, I did, I saw it.
You talked about what we
talked about, that's real nice.
I had to.
I just think you don't have
to talk about it anymore.
I brought you a little surprise.
You deserve a little taste of
reality every now and then.
I brought you the
real megillah.
Look at that, A Einstein.
It's not Alfred, that's
Albert, Albert Einstein.
A very special man,
wasn't he, Mr. Williams?
Very.
That's yours now, you're gonna
be the keeper of the flame.
Come on.
You afraid, it's not
gonna burn or something.
There you go.
See, you keep it for a while
and you give it to your
little one, and they grow up,
and they give it
to someone special.
That way he keeps going on.
Yeah, what's it gonna be, a
boy or a girl, maybe both?
Then you can call it he she.
Well, I'm gonna get going.
Thanks for talking to me,
it's nice you don't forget.
You're a crazy bastard.
Good to see the
lights are still on.
Strange, isn't it?
We've seen a lot of
shit go down, boy.
Wait a minute, let me.
Let me walk with you at least.
You know, Mr. Williams,
what's right is what's
left after you do
everything else wrong.
Ain't that a bitch?
Yeah, yeah, it is.
Mr. Williams, shoo, boy.
You know, I was on Broadway.
Yeah, yeah, I was.
Sold papers on
42nd and Broadway.
You're a gullible
guy, aren't you?
Yeah, you know, I'm
like that, aren't I?
Crazy, crazy kind
of life I live.
I was a comedian
once, you know that?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Nobody!
Boy, I nailed you again.
For someone so smart,
sometimes you, like,
you're like up to
your ass, aren't you?