Anaconda (2025) Movie Script
1
Should only take a few days.
We shouldn't be here.
Fine.
I'll go alone.
Suburban Street.
We float past a series of white picket
fences until we settle on a sewer grate.
POW! Flies open.
Something big and scaly slithers out.
Fast, hungry, definitely not human,
as a pulsating score kicks in.
We're on the back of the beast as it slithers
menacingly towards a little blue house.
Wait, I'm sorry.
This is our wedding video you're talking
about.
Yes, though I actually don't think of them
as videos.
They're more like short films.
Yeah, because I'm not sure this is
quite what we had in mind.
Okay, I know, it's a little different than
normal, but...
We really liked the one you did for Karen
and Bart.
Oh, when they walk by the river and jump
up and high-five.
That jump was dope.
And I loved that song they used.
I don't want to wait for our lives to be
over.
I want to know right now how does it feel.
Um, guys?
Uh, here's the thing.
I really like you guys.
And you said you were horror fans and I'm
like, I love horror so much.
And I thought this could be special.
You know what I mean?
This is a film you're going to watch for
the rest of your lives.
But this isn't a film, Doug.
This is a wedding video.
And we want one where they do a little
jump.
Now, can you do that for us or not?
Baby Bubby Bunkers!
Baby Bubber Bunkies!
Okay!
Do you mind if I'm doing warm-ups?
Is it okay?
Yeah, I've seen much crazier.
Okay, good.
Does it sound better to say my line?
His vision is blurry, which could suggest.
Or, his vision is blurry, which could
suggest.
Or I could, you know what, I could even do
like an accent.
I could do just...
Oh, I think you just should do it the way
you auditioned it, honey.
It's been a while since I've booked
anything and I just want it to go well.
I just, it's hard out there.
Sorry.
Doctor number three, we're ready for you.
Okay, knock him down.
Okay, thanks.
Thank you Donna.
Hey, by the way, if you
ever need anything from
Lowe's, I will hook you up
with my employee discount.
No questions asked.
Thanks.
Ten more cc's of Tramadol?
Any idea what I'm looking at here?
He said his vision was blurry,
so you know that could suggest.
Optic neuritis.
Already ruled that out.
Cut!
Hey buddy, not sure what that accent is.
Just do it normally, okay?
We're gonna go again right away.
He said his vision was blurry,
which could suggest.
Cut!
Say the line faster, okay?
Faster this time.
He said his vision was blurry,
which could suggest.
Cut!
Jesus, I think we gotta fire this guy.
Can we get somebody else in here?
I just ran into your mom at the supermarket.
She said you booked a big gig today.
So proud of you, bud.
Everyone in Buffalo misses you.
I love you.
Come visit, man!
Jesus, Jerry!
Cut!
What is this thing about there's some kind
of sewer monster?
Oh boy.
Doug.
Look, I get that this is not what you
dreamed about when you were a kid.
But dreams, they go.
Now, I'll be retiring
soon, and Doug, it is
only a matter of time
before all this is yours.
- Really?
- Yeah!
Look around.
Take it all in.
And imagine.
If you do it right, it's a pretty sweet
setup we got here.
This is a B and maybe even a B-plus life
we're talking about.
Are you sure you don't want to do anything
for your birthday?
You used to make me celebrate your
half-birthdays.
Let's go get a beer.
Something.
Maybe we just watch that new Mountain
Climbing Duck.
About the lady that falls to her own
death?
Yeah.
Fine.
We can do one about the free diver in the
Maldives.
Who drowns?
Jesus Christ, Duck.
I don't know.
Let's just take a gummy and go to the
river.
No!
No!
You must not mainly know.
Well, yes, yes.
You love a good big birthday, don't you?
Dad, did you see your face?
You knew about this?
At least one idea.
Buddy, take my coat, please.
Thank you.
Hey, how are you?
Happy birthday!
Jesus, get in my bag!
I'm sorry.
No, that's not...
The actual lotion.
The actual basket.
That puts the lotion in the basket?
Ebay, buddy.
Dude, that is sick.
Yeah, no.
That is actually sick.
Oh!
Happy birthday, Dougie.
Thanks for making me the good Trent,
Claire.
Oh, you know I love Buffalo this time of
year.
The slush.
The hypothermia.
What's up?
No Trent?
No Trent.
Ever again, in fact.
He started banging his dental hygienist.
Anyway, tonight is all about you,
baby.
It's about me?
It's about you.
Oh!
It's been too long, pal.
It's so good to see you.
It has been way too long.
Happy birthday.
Thank you.
Thank you for coming out here.
I think I'm going to miss this.
Never.
We've got a lot of catching up to do.
Many years ago, a group of young,
passionate artists had a vision.
It was a vision that was not particularly
original or even good.
But it was theirs.
And so, they made that vision a reality.
And without further ado, I present to you
a completely unrestored print.
A 13-year-old Doug McAllister's
masterpiece.
The Quatch.
What?
I thought we lost all the copies of that.
Nope.
I found it in my mom's garage.
It was stuck in the player.
Are we sure this is okay for the kids to
watch?
Who gives a shit?
Mrs. Brown had us bleep all the swears so
we could show it at the school assembly.
Which didn't make much sense because we
were very clear about it being R-rated.
Happy birthday, pal.
This isn't happening.
Oh, it's happening.
Here we go.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Oh, I'm gonna kill you.
Oh, I'm gonna kill you!
Ha, ha, ha, ha...
I haven't changed a bit.
No.
You might as shit be.
Oh.
Looks good.
It's a great .
That's not on the trail.
Look out for the Quatch.
Before you... strike me, I need...
Got some... single?
Or you all... riz?
What's going on?
Damn, we've been watching a lot of
Scorsese.
We didn't quite have the ear for it,
did we?
I need to tell you something.
What is it?
That I love you.
I've always loved you.
And always fing will.
I fing love you, too.
Now, kiss me, will you?
So much charisma.
Ready you had it.
I still can't believe I let Doug talk me
into doing that.
Talking?
But it was your idea!
It's coming for us!
We're trapped!
What the hell are we gonna do?
Oh my god.
We're all gonna die!
This is where it gets real.
Not on my watch, mister.
That's probably the best birthday gift
I've ever received.
I didn't even know it existed.
Well, I'm giving it to you.
It's less the TV, because you can't get it
out.
It was right after... Right
after senior year of college.
Yes, that's when Anaconda came out.
Remember, we saw it like 30 times.
Put it right there alongside the classics.
Totally.
How about that cast?
J-Lo, Ice Cube, Owen Wilson, Stoltz.
I mean, it's a murderer's row.
Plus, the snake was like a metaphor for
our lives at that moment.
Like, life is coming at you.
Hunting you.
Forcing you.
Like, off your parents...
Like, your parents' health insurance and
stuff.
I don't know.
No, it's true.
Yeah, that's...
It was like that.
That's right, Kenny.
How about that accent by John Boyd?
How about that?
That was a choice.
They rap around you and you too.
You get the privilege of hearing their
bones break.
They pour their power out and break.
Causes your veins to explode!
I have the rights to Anaconda.
What?
I have the rights to Anaconda.
Yeah, apparently.
The movie was based on a novel by some
dead Japanese guy.
And my agent introduced me to his widow.
Unbelievably.
She...
She was such a fan of the four
episodes that I did on SWAT... Who is it?
...that she gave me the rights.
So what are you gonna do with them?
Uh, well, not me.
Us.
We're gonna reboot the thing.
Indie style.
Three weeks.
Run and gun.
In the Amazon.
Skeletal crew.
Claire, you and I can star.
Kenny, you shoot it.
Doug, you direct.
Huh?
Come on.
What do you say?
I mean... It's a wonderful idea.
In theory... I mean...
I can...
I can get time off from work.
Yes, you can, Kenny.
Sweet.
Kenny, what are you talking about?
You're it.
He's not... No.
He's not in.
He says, like, one thing and you're in
already.
You're going to the Amazon.
He's not in.
What do you say?
Claire?
I... I just... I don't know if I'm in
the right headspace right now.
Of course you are.
Divorce... Of course you're
not in the right headspace.
That's the best headspace.
Are you kidding me?
Come on.
It's like he pray love and...
shit.
Come on.
You know what?
I'm in.
What?
Yes.
Really?
Sweet.
Yeah.
I mean, my life is totally shit anyway,
so... God, I'm so happy to hear that.
Hmm.
I mean, not that your life is shit,
but that you're in.
Besides, as soon as
Doug says yes, we'll
probably need you to
finance this whole thing.
What?
Doug?
Griff.
I'm sorry.
Yes?
I've got responsibilities.
I've got Mailey, Charlie, my job.
I know.
I'm faking it.
I'm faking, uh, wedding videos.
Films.
Right.
It's a good life, you know.
It's a B, B plus life.
B?
B plus life?
It's a good life.
Do you remember when we were kids and we
would stay up until 4 in the morning,
hanging out in Mom's basement watching
horror movies?
Scaring the shit out of ourselves?
Texas Chainsaw on, like, repeat?
Now we have the chance to make one
ourselves.
Dude.
That's what we dreamed about ever since we
were little kids.
I hear you.
But we're not kids anymore, Griff.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
No.
I just...
I get it.
I do.
Thank you.
Still watching the quatch.
Charlie, why don't you go to bed?
I do.
Check on those cookies.
Okay.
But I'm pausing it.
So?
Don't touch it.
Gonna need some ice cold milch with that.
You got it.
What are you doing?
What?
Just go make the movie.
Melee.
Come on.
Every time you watch this thing,
you light up.
Like, I haven't seen you light up in a
long time.
So what?
I'm supposed to chase some Hollywood
fantasy I had as a kid?
Waste a bunch of money and time?
And for what?
In the end, what's it going to change?
I don't know.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Holy shit.
What am I singing?!
Hello?
I don't want to wait, ma'am.
Our lives could be like this.
Over.
What are you talking about?
The Anaconda thing.
You were serious, right?
Yes, very.
Then let's do it.
Let's reboot Anaconda.
Yes!
Yes.
DeWise, soup to nuts, what does it cost to
get this thing made?
I figure we need three weeks of shooting.
Some VFX, some SFX, a
riverboat, with a real captain,
travel to and from a jungle,
and a gigantic real snake.
Reverbably a rental.
Rental, copy.
All in to two and a half million dollars.
That sounds right.
We've approved a loan for you for up to...
$9,400.
Yes.
That provides the budget down to $43,000
all in.
That sounds more right.
Now the film does have to be scary,
right?
Terrifying.
But it can't just be about a giant snake
killing people.
Exactly.
You know?
It has to be about something, right?
Right.
I mean...
Themes.
Come on.
Like grief.
What about revenge?
In terms of themes?
That's like one of the top ones.
Oh my god.
I got a good one.
Hit me.
Intergenerational trauma.
I love intergenerational trauma.
Who doesn't love intergenerational trauma?
It's the best.
We're onto something.
This is a masterpiece.
You're a goddamn genius.
I love it.
Don't change a word.
Not a word.
You killed it.
It's scary.
It's emotional.
It's funny when it needs to be.
Romantic.
Dude.
Thank you.
Hey, Doug.
I know that we had our little dust
up, but I need to shoot this film, man.
Dust up?
Yeah.
He fired me from the wedding video stuff
because I got a little wasted.
Knocked over the wedding cake.
But I'm dealing with it.
Like getting sober?
Yes.
Well, I mean, Buffalo sober.
Buffalo sober?
Mm-hmm.
Just beer and wine.
And then some of the lighter liquors.
But definitely not all of them.
I'm proud of you.
Doug?
If I'm being honest, I enabled you a
little bit.
Of course you get a second chance.
Let's do this.
Nice.
Thank you, man.
Car is here.
And you have the meth liquid.
Right?
You only take that once a week.
Yeah.
I almost forgot.
Talk to me.
I got you this.
What?
I know.
Pretty sick.
World's greatest Doug.
I thought I should say dad.
Whatever, man.
It's funny.
I love it.
It's much better.
Good.
So it begins.
All right.
Alright!
Made it!
That's what I'm talking about!
So hey, I was reading about anacondas on a
plane.
Basically, they wait in the water for
days, stalking their prey.
Never moving, just waiting.
And then when a prey comes, snatch and
grab it.
A thousand pounds of pressure.
You think you're gonna get away?
You're not.
Crushing you.
Oxygen leaving your lungs.
Oh god, it's terrible.
So like in the movie Anaconda.
Yeah, exactly.
So it's real.
Yeah, it's all real.
Very real.
There's the story of this woman.
God bless her.
The snake wraps around her so tight.
The eyeballs just...
No way!
It was my grandmother, Silvana.
Shit!
Horrible grandmother.
I feel sad.
I'm sorry, who are you?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Carlos Santiago.
Yeah, you can call me Santiago.
Hey, it's Kenny from the phone.
Kenny, yeah.
This is our snake handler.
Oh, thank god.
You're supposed to be the best.
No, supposed to be.
I have a joker here.
No, I'm the best.
Yes.
That's good.
So, welcome to Brazil.
Let's meet a snake.
When
I found him, he was dying of starvation.
His food supply was destroyed by gold
miners who put mercury in the river.
Gold miners?
Gold mining poisons our land.
Their greed almost killed my snake.
Oh.
But I fed him by nursing him back to life.
In many ways, he did the same for me.
Ah, yes.
A tale as old as time, saved by a snake.
... What's your name?
It was, uh, Griff.
Okay, Griff.
It's not only his name.
He's my tiny giant.
My friend.
One of the most important creatures of the
arithmetological world.
No, of course, I, uh, sure.
I didn't, I wasn't
trying to... I, yes.
Okay, let me introduce you.
Heitor.
Heitor?
Oh, my goodness.
Hey, cutie.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, hell yes!
This thing is nuts!
There are rumors of condas even bigger.
Maybe four or five times this size.
Go ahead, Kenny, from the phone.
Um, is it true that they regurgitate their
prey?
Sometimes.
I mean, if you're unlucky, you die right
away because of suffocation.
But only the lucky ones survive.
Unlucky?
Yeah, because then you
might actually be conscious
when the snake comes
back to finish you off.
Gotcha.
Ooh.
Better to die.
Hey, let me ask you a question.
Um, our snake guy, does he seem kind of
batshit crazy?
I mean, he's best friends with a snake.
Of course, he's a little quirky.
Yeah.
But I like him.
Really?
Yeah.
Then again, I used up all my vacation days
to come make a self-financed snake meeting
with you three, so... Your judgment's
really off.
My judgment is off.
You know his husband.
Anybody talk to the captain?
It's time to shoot.
Oh, I'll reach out again.
Awesome.
Hi, guys.
My name is Anna.
I believe you spoke to my father on the
phone?
Bruno?
That's your dad?
Yeah, he sends his apologies, but he's at
the hospital.
Oh.
Ah, I'm sorry.
Unfortunately, you'll have to
make other accommodations
because I need to take this
boat upriver for a routine service.
But I can assure you a full refund.
No, wait, wait!
Everything else is booked.
Yeah.
And we're gonna shoot a movie.
It's a reboot.
Manaconda?
Technically, it's more
of a reimagining, but
it's actually more
of a spiritual sequel.
Good for you.
There's gotta be a way, right?
We can crew the boat.
There's nothing I can do.
We have dreamed of making this film
together our entire lives.
Please.
I am begging you.
Please.
Help us find another way.
Let's do this.
But, but fast.
Yes!
Yes!
Oh.
One more thing, you guys.
Before we go to bed, we got a big day
tomorrow.
If you remember, we had a tradition on all
our films.
The night before we started shooting,
we would say a prayer to the movie gods.
Asking them to basically not screw us
over.
And for the first time ever, may they
listen.
Come on, to the movie gods.
Alright, we're rolling.
Manaconda, scene 15, take 1.
Slap it.
Bella!
What?
What the hell are you still doing here?
I've come to take you home.
It's time you stop chasing this mythical
snake.
And what if I'm not prone to giving up?
I didn't see you filming there.
What are we doing, an APK?
Background DVD.
Bonus stuff.
The Anaconda is the story of an intrepid
biologist, played by Claire, who hires an
unhinged snake tracker,
played by Griff, to hunt down and
kill a giant mythical conda
that ate her entire family.
Come and get me, you goddamn snake!
And on a deeper level, it's about chasing
your dreams.
And camera set, pushups good, and action!
What's it like shooting with Doug again?
He and I are best friends, we've worked
together our whole lives, and I went out
to LA and he was gonna come out, we were
gonna be a partnership and he didn't do it.
Griff and I planned to work together in
LA, but you know, life intervened.
But it doesn't matter, because
now we're together, and now
we're back, we're making
this, and it's as it should be.
I am the instant!
The other conda moves slow and steady.
Sometimes it goes fast.
Snake B.O.V., R.D., take one!
No, it's not working.
Snake B.O.V., the right way, take two.
Sometimes he goes from above in the trees,
sometimes from below in the water.
The toothpick, it unlocked a couple of
aspects of his character for me.
Something there.
Ah!
Why would I be nervous about doing a love
story with Griff?
You guys used to date.
That was a long time ago.
A little bit of chaos is part of the
ingredients.
This
might be the last time you look at each
other!
You think you'd be a little nicer to the
guy who's out here to save your life?
You're an asshole.
Ah!
And a P.H.T.
And cut!
Great stuff, guys.
We got it.
Should we go one more time?
Wanna try it again?
No, I'm good if you're good.
Let's go one more time!
The chemistry between you two is...
like we were right back in high school.
When you looked up at her.
Well, that's because of your note.
About taking the beat right before you did
it.
Yeah, yeah, I made the scene.
I tell you, I never felt like this on
SWAT.
I mean, granted, I was only in a couple of
episodes, but it was never collaborative.
It was never fun.
Not like this.
This is... Like we
were back on Quatch?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, so, one script thing.
Let's take it at the midway point.
Instead of talking the bad guy out of it,
what if Claire's character headbutts him?
Sorry, headbutts him?
Headbutts him.
Or...
We both do.
Double headbutts.
Come on.
It's kind of revolutionary.
That is super revolutionary.
Why is that super revolutionary?
It's never been done.
Jesus Christ, this is a beautiful scene
with real stakes, Doug.
Feel free to weigh in here.
No, I hear you.
I do.
And as always, I trust your instincts on
this.
But a double headbutt is pretty
revolutionary.
Right?
Isn't it?
It's very revolutionary.
Yes!
There's no denying it.
Claire, is the problem that you don't know
how to headbutt?
Why would I not know how to headbutt?
We're not born with these skills.
We learn them along the way.
Let me show you.
Tight core.
Breathe in.
Hold that breath.
And you can vocalize.
Another kind of headbutt is more
unleashed.
Just full on...
You got the arms in there.
That's good.
Send that shit into the goal.
Or you put some Brazilian sauce on that.
You know.
Toma!
Toma!
Toma!
Toma.
I love it.
It's a Brazilian spice.
Yeah!
I would do a headbutt.
I would go for the bridge of the nose.
Just crack it.
- Jesus!
- That's it!
I'm sorry, but how could this happen?
Kenny, I thought you said this guy was a
pro.
That's what he said.
But he hasn't provided us with a
certificate.
You fixed the crate, right?
It's taken care of?
My thing.
My job.
Under control.
All good.
My Hector is a beautiful, intelligent,
smart, sexy creature.
He does exactly what I command.
And I would never let
anything happen to you or
the crazy one or her or
her or this Hector here.
So have a good night.
May the sounds of the forest be the music
of your dreams.
Jesus!
That is a boy!
Okay, actors on your marks.
Santiago, is Hector ready?
Yes.
Hector is always ready.
Hector is ready.
And action!
Cut, please.
Um, cut?
Yeah.
All right, cut.
Kenny, do you mind if I...
Santiago, take five.
Hector, five.
Hey.
Wow.
It's huge when you see it up close in
person like that.
Majestic creature.
But I just want to...
I throw myself in front of the snake to
kind of protect Claire's character.
Right?
Correct.
Is there any value in not doing that?
What?
No.
No, no.
He sacrifices himself for her.
It caps his arc.
It's so important.
And also, dude, it's totally safe.
Santiago has Hector under control.
Okay.
You got nothing to worry about.
We're good.
Yeah.
We're good.
Okay.
All right, let's do this.
All right, take it from the top.
Back to one.
Santiago, Hector.
Action!
Go!
I'm not leaving!
Not without you, Derek.
This thing's got me.
The war's depending on you.
I'm depending on you.
Dammit, I love you, Derek.
Man, oil!
Okay, okay.
Put your face right up next to the snake.
I don't like this.
I don't want to do it anymore.
Get closer.
Get closer.
He's friendly.
What did you gotta do?
No, I don't quite have a touch.
You got the shot.
This is gold.
Just give me one more second.
One inch closer to your face.
Get it right up in there.
You're a hero!
Get out!
No!
I
know you think this is strange.
I know you think this is strange.
A grown man get emotional over some dad
snake.
A grown man get emotional over some dad
snake.
Jesus.
But I love him.
And he love him back.
Whatever way he could.
Oh, God!
Oh, God!
No!
Why is Kenny crying?
Ugh.
Hey, I don't want you here.
Not for this!
You tried to murder me.
Griff?
What?
Let the man grieve.
You murdered my friend!
Just get out of my face!
Where am I supposed to go?
Griff, go!
Just move!
Oh, it is my friend.
Snake of the fine snakes.
Welcome here, my dear friend.
Snake-ity snake.
Snake-ity snake.
Snake-ity snake.
Snake-ity snake.
Snake-ity fine snakes.
Wow.
What are you doing there?
I am making some weird funeral.
It is some type of a snake.
What are you talking about?
Snake funeral.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
I can't help you with anything.
No, not you!
No!
I know, I'm sorry.
I don't mean... I'm not trying to disturb
you.
I just wanted...
Just leave me alone!
I'm sorry for your loss.
I know you don't believe me, but it's
true.
I really am.
A friend of mine died once too,
and it hurts.
Was it a snake?
Was it a snake?
No.
It was just a... human person.
Oh.
Still sad, right?
Totally.
Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
Beer?
Well, I don't have much feels here,
but yeah, I'll just mix it up.
A few commercials, TV...
Did a few episodes of SWAT.
Oh, SWAT?
Yeah.
Oh, I like that one.
I swear, I even had the last line text.
The last text.
Last line is season three.
So what happened?
Well, the producers
decided that they didn't
really need that character,
so they got rid of me.
I mean, it's only been going about eight
or nine more seasons.
They don't deserve you.
Yeah, you're a star.
Thank you.
Yeah.
You're thinking of us?
I mean, an industrial?
You know what movie I like?
What?
The Legend of Bagger Vance.
You should do a movie like that.
Oh, man, I wish.
Yeah.
I like you.
I like you, too.
You know what?
What?
I'll get a new snake for your movie now.
Really?
Yes.
Oh, my God.
Thank you so much.
You come with me, of course.
What?
I'm sorry.
Should we be in here?
Maybe we should head back.
What was that?
What was that?
Shh.
Shh.
Listen.
There are snakes around here.
I can feel it.
What does it feel like?
I don't know.
It's just very snakey.
What's... it's snakey?
What?
It's something in your mouth that's made
you crash into the ground.
It's making you nicely ugly.
It's a worm.
Okay.
Okay.
I don't really know what that is.
I'm not sure.
This is a snake.
Why does it need a snake?
I don't know.
You know what?
Let's go back to the boat.
Let's go back to the boat.
Santiago!
Santiago!
SANTIAGO!
Nope.
Hey, have you seen Santiago?
I don't think he's come back.
Back?
From what?
We went out to go get a new snake.
You went to find a snake in the middle of
the night?
Yeah, but we need one for the movie.
It was dark.
We got separated.
It was crazy out there.
Griff, Griff, Griff.
What?
You went out in the middle of the night to
find a juicy snake in the jungle?
You know what that's called?
Producing.
Really?
I guarantee he will be back with a giant
snake.
And you and I are making movies.
You're right.
Santiago's a pro.
He'll be fine.
If he's not back soon, we'll go look for
him.
Thank you very much, Santiago.
Guys, it's been over an hour.
I have to go find him.
Well, you're not going alone.
Yeah, we're definitely coming with you.
It's safer that way.
Have you guys tried this thing?
It's like a warm bowl of soup,
but in chair form.
Yeah, man.
Chairs.
They, like, hold you, man.
They literally have arms, right?
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Like when your parents are gone?
We still have chairs, you know?
The hell are you talking about?
Let's go find Santiago.
Let's get a snake for our snake movie.
Yeah, Santiago!
Let's go!
Hey.
What direction are we heading in?
Um...
Wait, Kenny.
Are you high right now?
Yeah, but I'm good.
I already peaked.
Jesus Christ, Kenny!
We're completely lost!
Wait, you guys.
This way.
It looks like the gold camper,
man.
He's on the boat.
I need you to do a search in the area.
Oh, yeah.
I'm afraid to stay in the jungle.
It doesn't matter.
We have to find her.
What the hell?
What is that?
Oh, maybe Santiago's sleeping in there.
Hola.
Looks totally abandoned.
Anybody home?
Maybe some food and water.
We could stay here.
At least tonight.
Oh, man.
There's got to be snacks in here.
I'm going.
Oh, man, you're going on a break.
That's where that guy went.
Oh, my God.
What is out there?
We gotta go now.
Let's go.
Let's go.
We can't let it crush the man.
Crush the man?
I'm going back to the station.
Wait, what is going on?
What?
It's not... it's a camper van.
Probably.
It's got a split-charge battery.
The relay probably popped off.
It's underneath the hood.
Kenny, can you fix it?
Usually I can fix it, yes, but I'm still
having some visual problems because of the.
You did it to me again!
You did it on the wedding video and I can
waste it off your ass!
Again!
I'm really sorry, boss.
You're Buffalo Sober!
You're Buffalo Sober!
Do you have any more?
Wes, please, can you fix it?
I think I'm better suited to be your wheel
mate.
What are you talking about?
I've always been a better driver than you.
No, you've been a safer driver.
I passed the driver's test on my first
drive.
You took three times!
Yeah, but that's because I... that was
because of yield.
I didn't know... now I know what that is.
Oh my god, we're gonna die.
Sorry.
I'll just fix it.
Hey, what was that?
You're not supposed to get that big!
Hey, maybe we can ask these guys for help!
We have to stop!
Do not stop the car!
Anna, what is going on?
They're illegal gold miners who patrol the
jungles around here.
These guys are dangerous.
They'll kill anyone who crosses into their
territory.
Ah, shit!
They're gonna kill us!
What are they shooting at us?
We're gonna get you dry really fast now!
Whoa, whoa!
Anna, what are you doing?
Annie, are you getting this?
Yes!
Keep rolling!
Rip faster!
Where is she?
Oh my god.
Where is she?
Who?
Who do you mean?
I know there's someone else here.
So?
Where is she?
Let's go, come on!
We gotta go, fast!
Look, I can get you guys out of here.
All we need to do is keep heading north.
There's a small airport about a day and a
half from here.
You can get us home?
Yes.
Get us home.
I think we gotta call it.
Man, we've got such good stuff and we're
so close.
Really?
We're going home?
Buddy, I know.
I don't want to go home empty-handed
either.
But we came out here to make Anaconda.
And now we're in it.
I'm sorry.
Guys?
Emergency meeting.
Cast and crew only.
Tammy, sit down.
New pages.
We have some time before the next port.
And I had an idea last night that I think
is just too damn good not to shoot.
Doug!
Everybody's pretty burnt, man.
Just hear me out.
I'm begging you, please, Kenny.
All right.
Sorry, boss.
Thank you.
What if you two, on your
way to find the Anaconda,
run into a total badass
on an incredible quest?
Oh, that's interesting.
Let me guess.
To expose illegal gold miners?
Bingo.
Raising the stakes?
Exactly.
And while they're hunting
down this mythical snake,
they actually end up
fighting the real villain.
An even bigger snake.
Man.
Oh, yeah.
Yes.
Man.
I like this.
This is good.
And if we add this element, it does make
the movie much bigger.
Like now it's...
about something.
Themes.
Themes.
Yeah.
Okay.
You know what, guys?
I didn't want to say anything before,
but...
this thing might be an awards play.
I mean, the Academy loves social work.
Right?
Dude.
You could be the white Jordan Peele.
I was thinking the same thing.
We've been through so much, you guys.
Let's finish this movie.
I'm in.
Let's do it.
Yeah.
One night job.
To play this new awesome character.
And cut.
Yes.
That's what I'm talking about.
Nice.
You sure you've never acted before?
I swear.
Some of the best acting I've ever seen.
You're a natural.
You're incredible.
Thank you.
Take five, next up we got 72.
Guys, Guys, you see what I'm saying?
She's incredible, right?
Yeah, yes.
Hey, a question though.
If she saves us, it doesn't really give my
character anything to do.
Yeah.
This was supposed to be the moment where
my character starts falling for Derek,
so he needs to do something heroic,
you know?
Unselfish.
I don't know, you guys.
This just feels like her moment.
She actually did it in real life.
But good news, I'm gonna shoot all the
rest on her so you guys have the day off.
See you later.
Take the day off.
Huh.
This is our movie, Griff.
And he's just cutting us out.
Yep.
Welcome to show business, baby.
You're not in it unless you're getting
screwed over by your friends.
You ever wake up and wonder, what the hell
have I done with my life?
Yeah.
Like every day.
Hey, at least you had the guts to go after
what you did.
No.
You think I wanted to go to law school?
What have I got to show for it,
though, huh?
You know what I have?
I have a terrible apartment and a
74-year-old roommate.
Sometimes I go to Trader Joe's just to
feel air conditioning.
You at least have a career.
I mean, what do I have to show for it?
I got no family.
No career.
Never done anything that matters.
I have nothing.
It's never too late.
Griff, I know you're in there.
Let's make a movie.
Hola, amigo.
Jesus, come on.
Get dressed.
We've got a packed day.
What are you talking about?
I am dressed.
I'm dressed really, pretty, very nicely.
All right.
Can you just take a cold shower?
We've got to film, like, now.
Here's an idea.
You know what you should call the movie?
Anaconda.
Get it?
Anaconda.
Because of Anna.
Can you just get in costume?
Hey, you know what?
You wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for
me.
Without me, you'd still be stuck in Buffalo
shooting your bullshit wedding videos.
Films.
Yeah, you can tell yourself that.
My God.
You know what?
I vouch for you, too.
Even the rights holders.
They're like, who is this guy?
I said, trust me.
He's good.
What is that?
Are they making a movie?
Excuse me.
Are you guys shooting a movie?
We're doing a reboot of Anaconda.
Come again?
A reboot of Anaconda.
Anaconda?
Like Ice Cube Anaconda?
Yeah.
Sony's rebooting it.
I know.
No new ideas.
That's weird.
So let me get this straight.
You don't have the rights to Anaconda?
No, well, I...
Not legally.
And you've never owned the rights to
Anaconda?
I mean, who owns Anaconda?
Sony.
Sony owns Anaconda.
Yeah, no, no, I know that.
No, I mean, like, you know, in the larger
sense.
Why would you tell us that you had the
rights to the goddamn Anaconda franchise
when you very much don't have the rights
to the goddamn Anaconda franchise?
Do we really even need the rights,
really?
I mean, like, who gives a shit?
About IP?
Yeah.
Literally everyone.
That's what big movies are!
That's why we're here!
You think that's why we're here?
Yes, that's why we're here!
We almost died!
We're out in the middle of the goddamn
jungle!
We're alive!
I had to lie!
I had to lie to you!
You wouldn't have come otherwise!
You wouldn't... none of you would have...
Bullshit!
Not bullshit!
It's why you never came out to L.A.
with me in the first place!
Even though we had a whole plan to work
together!
Your whole life, you just... it's been
dictated by fear!
Griff...
You're fired.
What?
You're fired.
No, no, I'm not.
You can't fire me.
You know why?
Because I quit.
Already.
Last night.
I just didn't tell anybody yet.
So...
Too bad for you, I guess.
Because I did... or I quit.
Griff!
Wait!
Where are you even gonna go?
To find the Anaconda boat.
Maybe they can help me get home.
Just think about this.
It's not safe.
It's a tiny boat.
There's a giant snake out there.
Please don't do this.
Griff!
J-Lo!
Ice Cube!
John Boyd!
Are you in this one?
Help me!
Help me, John!
Help me!
Help me!
It's okay!
It's okay!
Help me!
It's okay!
Calm down!
I'll come get you!
It's okay!
You're safe!
You're safe!
I can't...
Ah!
Shit!
Doug!
Oh, God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Doug!
Hmm?
Doug, what's going on?
Why have we stopped?
Well, uh, Anna found a great place to
shoot the next scene.
The next scene?
Look, look, okay, I know.
Losing Griff was hard.
But between the four of us, we can finish
this film.
I'm not going home empty-handed.
Come on, man.
Without Griff, that's not part of the
plan.
Well, plans change, and that's part of
filmmaking, too.
No, no, Doug, we have to go back for him.
He's not safe out there.
Anna, we need to turn the boat around.
You're not turning the boat around.
Yeah, we're not turning the boat around.
Everyone off the boat now!
What's going on?
Anna, what are you doing?
This definitely isn't the plan.
Well, plans change, Doug.
Isn't that filmmaking?
And every good film needs a bit of a
twist.
Everyone off the boat now!
To the dock.
You're going to carry these for me back to
the boat.
Let's go.
And then what?
And then you're going to shoot us?
No!
I'm not going anywhere until you tell me
what's inside these bags.
You want to look at it?
Look at it.
Wait.
Is that...
Gold?
So you're the miner?
You did all of this for money?
Very quick, Claire.
Stop!
I'm not going to be part of your shit
quest!
Oh!
Holy shit!
I'm going to kill you!
I'm going to kill you!
Wait!
Calm down.
You don't move!
I'm with the government to track illegal
gold miners.
And Anna here runs one of the biggest
rings in Brazil.
Joo.
There's a gold miner here who can change
your life forever.
Do you think I care about gold?
Don't trust anything she says.
She's a liar.
She's a damn liar.
We're filmmakers from Buffalo.
We're working on a spiritual sequel to
Anaconda.
And I don't know if she mentioned that,
but it's not just a reboot.
And I kicked out my friend who had the
lead.
And I gave her a juicy-ass role.
And this is how she treats me?
I don't know what you're talking about,
man.
Off topic.
Go.
Arrest her.
Oh, thank God.
Put the camera down.
Sorry.
I...
Oh, my God!
Who shot me?
That'd be me, asshole.
Grif?
No.
He was a good guy.
I'm a good guy.
He's a cop!
Look, I... What?
I'm a good guy.
Drop it on your knees now, the four of
you.
Facing the water.
Wait, I... Now.
Hey!
No, no, Anna.
Don't.
Don't do this.
You too, Claire.
On your knees.
Now!
You don't have to be this person.
I have children at home.
They're 10 and 13.
Please.
Please.
Think about what you're doing to my kids.
Just shut your mouth.
Turn around now.
On your knees.
Now!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
For the record, that's how you have butt,
bitch.
You won't do it.
You don't have the balls.
I know you, Claire.
You don't know me.
I don't even have kids.
Jesus Christ!
Oh, fuck!
Snake!
No!
No, wait!
Wait!
Snake!
I think the boat is back that way.
Yeah, but so is the snake.
We can't go that way.
We gotta take this trail and get to the
high ground.
Wait.
What was that?
What?
Did it bite you?
Yeah, you know what?
I think it bit me.
I think it got me.
Yeah, I know it hurts,
but we gotta get out
of here now because
the snake is out there.
Sorry.
I can't move.
My leg is freaking out.
What are we gonna do?
We're gonna have to piss on you,
man.
Huh?
On the bite.
On the bite?
It's the only way.
I thought that was just jellyfish.
No, no, no, no.
It's all animals.
Are you sure?
Positive.
Someone's gotta piss.
I need one of your pisses.
I'd love to be able to help out, but I'm
just... I am drained, tapped, bone-dry.
Claire, you wanna take care of this?
I'm wearing a onesie.
Kenny, we don't have time to argue about
this.
You're up.
You know this isn't possible.
Why not?
Because he's...
pee-shy.
Pee-shy?
I have urinary stench, Bright.
Why not?
I haven't been able to pee in public in 35
years.
My life sucks.
You can do this.
You have to do this.
Whiz on me.
You got it, buddy.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You can do it.
You can do it.
Let it flow.
Let it flow.
Yeah.
Just piss on me.
Come on.
Whiz on me.
Whiz on me.
Do it.
Whiz on me.
You don't think I want to?
I would love to piss all over you,
man.
But it's not in the car.
It's... Whiz on me.
Again.
Now.
I'm trying to do this.
You can do it.
Whiz on me.
Do it, Ken.
That is an order.
Whiz on me.
Now.
Okay.
Okay.
You got it, buddy.
You got it.
There's one more problem.
What?
I haven't told you about this.
I can only pee sitting down.
Jesus Christ.
I need a chair.
Come on, Denny.
Come on.
Come on.
Just do it.
Do it.
Come on, buddy.
Come on.
Get up.
I'm sorry about what I said before on the
boat.
The truth is, I've been jealous of you for
a long, long time.
Jealous?
For having the balls to do what I
couldn't.
For going after what you wanted,
going to L.A.
and putting yourself on fire.
I can't sit down.
You do not have a choice.
Come on.
Come on.
Okay.
What did I do?
I tricked him into coming here and now
he's dead.
No, no.
We all chose to be here.
I wish it was me.
It should be me.
This is not your fault and we have to keep
going.
Hey guys, I think I found out which way we
should go.
It's a big open field.
We gotta get across it to get to the boat.
But we can't just run across it.
It's too exposed.
The snake could come from anywhere.
Maybe we can create a distraction.
Yeah, yeah, maybe.
But how do we do that?
I mean, it's gonna be easy.
It's here.
Doug, no.
Dougie.
Dougie.
Come on, man.
Is he?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Baby Doug is the distraction.
I know this is horrible, okay?
But if we can drag Doug out
of the border's back, wouldn't we make it
really hard for the snake to swallow him?
It'll occupy the snake
long enough for us to
get across the field
and get back to the boat.
That's a really smart idea.
Oh, God.
This is horrible.
It meant saving all of us.
I'm sure Doug would have wanted this.
I'm not sure he would have wanted this.
Wait.
We gotta go.
What are you doing?
It's the snakes.
They love squirrel meat.
Wait.
The snake is right behind us.
I can't.
Oh, shit.
He's alive.
He's alive.
I thought you checked his pulse.
Right there.
No, you damn shitty job.
What the fuck?
Man.
What?
He's right behind you.
What?
Run.
Run.
You can't have him.
Run.
Ah, shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Run.
Run.
Run.
Run.
Run.
Run.
Run.
Run.
It's not my bag.
It's a lost story.
Just run.
Dad.
This thing's alive.
This thing's alive.
It's trying to bite me.
It's trying to bite me.
Dad.
Dad.
Holy shit.
Get back to the boat.
Get back to the boat.
I think we're okay.
Oh, God.
All right.
All right.
Oh, God.
What the hell?
I thought I was dead.
How you doing, Jovi?
I'm okay now.
I thought we lost him.
Can I say something?
I'm sorry.
I think I got so caught up in wanting to
play a hero that I lost sight of what it
is that's really important to me that's
just making stuff with you guys again.
Griff, I feel the exact same way.
I love you guys.
I just have one question.
What?
Whose idea was it to put that dead
squirrel in my mouth?
It was like a group decision.
Really?
Yeah, it wasn't like one person.
Snakes love squirrel meat.
I knew it was your idea!
Guys, come on, we gotta keep moving.
Alright, well I made a choice and I'm
sticking with it!
Holy shit.
It's the anaconda, sir.
What happened?
It's destroyed.
Hello?
Is anyone there?
Hello?
Can you help us?
What?
What?
Again?
Sorry.
Holy shit.
Ice Cube!
Who'd you think it was?
John Boynton?
Let's go!
Get in here!
Get in here, tube socks!
Mayor, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm alright.
The snake tore up the set.
Everybody's scattered.
Lamp hit me, I'm down.
I get up, nobody there.
What about J-Lo?
Yeah, Eric's dolls.
Jenny from the block, so she gonna be
okay, but Eric ain't from the block.
Jesus.
Dammit.
I don't know how we're gonna do it,
but we have to kill it before it kills us.
I'm with that.
I'm with that.
Hey, how are they gonna do it in your
script?
I don't know.
The writer never finished the third act.
What?
You guys started shooting before you knew
the end.
Welcome to Hollywood, buttercup.
That's what they do.
They just make it up as they go along.
What was the general gist?
Do you have any idea?
All I know is they were setting up pyro
techniques all through here.
Is it still up?
It's hooked up, but I don't know how to
work pyro.
Kenny, you know how to ignite pyro,
right?
Not a problem for us.
Hey, I don't know what y'all talking
about, alright?
I gotta go save J-Lo and Stoltz,
okay?
Really?
You're going after them?
They the homies, okay?
I can't leave them out here with the ops.
I got to go and represent.
They my castmates.
Actors code.
Respect.
Hey, hey.
Oh, you do mind?
Switch fans.
Everything you do.
Man, y'all group it out.
Y'all group it out.
What?
Let's go.
Everybody get in here.
Okay.
Don't post that.
No, no, no, no.
Can we get one more for safety?
I don't think my face was talking.
It's totally in there.
No, it's okay.
You're gonna need that.
Are you sure?
Of course.
I got another one.
100%.
What are you thinking?
Just to make sure it's exactly what I'm
thinking, which I'm sure it is, totally.
Super sure.
Think about killing that snake.
I'd say that's it.
That's what I was thinking, too.
Okay, here's the plan.
Griff, you get the detonator for Kenny.
Claire, you fire up the generators.
Kenny, you set up the cameras.
I'll get the golf cart.
We'll lure the snake into the pyro field
and end this thing once and for all.
You ready for our big Hollywood ending?
You ready?
Kenny said as soon as we get to the pyro
field, we can detonate these one by one.
Gonna blow this bitch sky high.
Sky frickin' high.
Come get us, asshole!
Where is he?
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
This is just so bad!
We're an arctic government!
Go, go!
I'm gonna be there.
Where is he?
Right now!
Pardon us!
We're the government!
Oh, wait a minute!
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about golf cart technology!
Where'd it go?
I don't see it!
I don't know where it is!
Keep your head on a swivel!
I don't see it anywhere!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Keep your head on a swivel!
Oh, my God!
Oh!
Oh!
Shoot!
The boss is set up.
If we don't get this thing online in time,
then we're all dead.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go!
We're gonna try to save you!
Why is there no power?
Why is there no power?
I'm gonna let you.
No!
Wait, look.
Look for something like this.
Okay.
Okay.
Almost there!
It's getting closer.
It's getting closer.
Oh, God!
So fast!
Oh!
Stop!
Stop, you giant, sick shit!
It's not working!
It's not working!
Help!
Why didn't it happen?
Why isn't it going?
I don't know.
Oh, wait.
Oh, no!
Oh, shit!
I forgot to turn it on!
Come on, cardstock!
Oh, shit!
Let's get back!
Don't get me!
Why's she doing that?
Holy cow!
Oh, shit!
We're all gonna die?
Not
on my watch, mister!
A long
time ago, a group of artists had a vision.
To one day live their dream of making a
major motion picture.
And last year, against all odds,
I'm proud to say that dream was realized.
As my friend Kenny likes to say,
the snake is a metaphor for the monsters
that come for all of us if our dreams
remain unrealized.
And to be clear, there's also a
non-metaphor snake.
Quick shout out to Claire Simon and Kenny
Trant.
Well,
we may not have the rights.
We don't, we don't have, we definitely
don't have the rights.
This is our completely
unauthorized, possibly
illegal, reboot of
the Sony classic film.
Ladies and gentlemen, the anaconda.
Are you Doug McAllister?
Uh-huh.
You directed the
unauthorized version of
Anaconda, even though
you didn't have the rights.
Yeah.
I saw your little movie.
And I loved it.
I loved it.
That's why I'm here.
I'm here because we're doing another
Anaconda.
And I want you to direct it.
Are you in?
My Anaconda.
Don't.
My Anaconda.
Baby got back.
My Anaconda.
Don't.
My Anaconda.
Don't want none unless you got buns,
hun.
Pull up tough.
Did you notice that butt was stuck?
Even the jeans she's wearing.
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring.
Oh, baby.
I wanna get a good job.
And took your picture.
Oh.
My.
God.
My Anaconda.
Don't.
Nice.
RIP?
Should only take a few days.
We shouldn't be here.
Fine.
I'll go alone.
Suburban Street.
We float past a series of white picket
fences until we settle on a sewer grate.
POW! Flies open.
Something big and scaly slithers out.
Fast, hungry, definitely not human,
as a pulsating score kicks in.
We're on the back of the beast as it slithers
menacingly towards a little blue house.
Wait, I'm sorry.
This is our wedding video you're talking
about.
Yes, though I actually don't think of them
as videos.
They're more like short films.
Yeah, because I'm not sure this is
quite what we had in mind.
Okay, I know, it's a little different than
normal, but...
We really liked the one you did for Karen
and Bart.
Oh, when they walk by the river and jump
up and high-five.
That jump was dope.
And I loved that song they used.
I don't want to wait for our lives to be
over.
I want to know right now how does it feel.
Um, guys?
Uh, here's the thing.
I really like you guys.
And you said you were horror fans and I'm
like, I love horror so much.
And I thought this could be special.
You know what I mean?
This is a film you're going to watch for
the rest of your lives.
But this isn't a film, Doug.
This is a wedding video.
And we want one where they do a little
jump.
Now, can you do that for us or not?
Baby Bubby Bunkers!
Baby Bubber Bunkies!
Okay!
Do you mind if I'm doing warm-ups?
Is it okay?
Yeah, I've seen much crazier.
Okay, good.
Does it sound better to say my line?
His vision is blurry, which could suggest.
Or, his vision is blurry, which could
suggest.
Or I could, you know what, I could even do
like an accent.
I could do just...
Oh, I think you just should do it the way
you auditioned it, honey.
It's been a while since I've booked
anything and I just want it to go well.
I just, it's hard out there.
Sorry.
Doctor number three, we're ready for you.
Okay, knock him down.
Okay, thanks.
Thank you Donna.
Hey, by the way, if you
ever need anything from
Lowe's, I will hook you up
with my employee discount.
No questions asked.
Thanks.
Ten more cc's of Tramadol?
Any idea what I'm looking at here?
He said his vision was blurry,
so you know that could suggest.
Optic neuritis.
Already ruled that out.
Cut!
Hey buddy, not sure what that accent is.
Just do it normally, okay?
We're gonna go again right away.
He said his vision was blurry,
which could suggest.
Cut!
Say the line faster, okay?
Faster this time.
He said his vision was blurry,
which could suggest.
Cut!
Jesus, I think we gotta fire this guy.
Can we get somebody else in here?
I just ran into your mom at the supermarket.
She said you booked a big gig today.
So proud of you, bud.
Everyone in Buffalo misses you.
I love you.
Come visit, man!
Jesus, Jerry!
Cut!
What is this thing about there's some kind
of sewer monster?
Oh boy.
Doug.
Look, I get that this is not what you
dreamed about when you were a kid.
But dreams, they go.
Now, I'll be retiring
soon, and Doug, it is
only a matter of time
before all this is yours.
- Really?
- Yeah!
Look around.
Take it all in.
And imagine.
If you do it right, it's a pretty sweet
setup we got here.
This is a B and maybe even a B-plus life
we're talking about.
Are you sure you don't want to do anything
for your birthday?
You used to make me celebrate your
half-birthdays.
Let's go get a beer.
Something.
Maybe we just watch that new Mountain
Climbing Duck.
About the lady that falls to her own
death?
Yeah.
Fine.
We can do one about the free diver in the
Maldives.
Who drowns?
Jesus Christ, Duck.
I don't know.
Let's just take a gummy and go to the
river.
No!
No!
You must not mainly know.
Well, yes, yes.
You love a good big birthday, don't you?
Dad, did you see your face?
You knew about this?
At least one idea.
Buddy, take my coat, please.
Thank you.
Hey, how are you?
Happy birthday!
Jesus, get in my bag!
I'm sorry.
No, that's not...
The actual lotion.
The actual basket.
That puts the lotion in the basket?
Ebay, buddy.
Dude, that is sick.
Yeah, no.
That is actually sick.
Oh!
Happy birthday, Dougie.
Thanks for making me the good Trent,
Claire.
Oh, you know I love Buffalo this time of
year.
The slush.
The hypothermia.
What's up?
No Trent?
No Trent.
Ever again, in fact.
He started banging his dental hygienist.
Anyway, tonight is all about you,
baby.
It's about me?
It's about you.
Oh!
It's been too long, pal.
It's so good to see you.
It has been way too long.
Happy birthday.
Thank you.
Thank you for coming out here.
I think I'm going to miss this.
Never.
We've got a lot of catching up to do.
Many years ago, a group of young,
passionate artists had a vision.
It was a vision that was not particularly
original or even good.
But it was theirs.
And so, they made that vision a reality.
And without further ado, I present to you
a completely unrestored print.
A 13-year-old Doug McAllister's
masterpiece.
The Quatch.
What?
I thought we lost all the copies of that.
Nope.
I found it in my mom's garage.
It was stuck in the player.
Are we sure this is okay for the kids to
watch?
Who gives a shit?
Mrs. Brown had us bleep all the swears so
we could show it at the school assembly.
Which didn't make much sense because we
were very clear about it being R-rated.
Happy birthday, pal.
This isn't happening.
Oh, it's happening.
Here we go.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Oh, I'm gonna kill you.
Oh, I'm gonna kill you!
Ha, ha, ha, ha...
I haven't changed a bit.
No.
You might as shit be.
Oh.
Looks good.
It's a great .
That's not on the trail.
Look out for the Quatch.
Before you... strike me, I need...
Got some... single?
Or you all... riz?
What's going on?
Damn, we've been watching a lot of
Scorsese.
We didn't quite have the ear for it,
did we?
I need to tell you something.
What is it?
That I love you.
I've always loved you.
And always fing will.
I fing love you, too.
Now, kiss me, will you?
So much charisma.
Ready you had it.
I still can't believe I let Doug talk me
into doing that.
Talking?
But it was your idea!
It's coming for us!
We're trapped!
What the hell are we gonna do?
Oh my god.
We're all gonna die!
This is where it gets real.
Not on my watch, mister.
That's probably the best birthday gift
I've ever received.
I didn't even know it existed.
Well, I'm giving it to you.
It's less the TV, because you can't get it
out.
It was right after... Right
after senior year of college.
Yes, that's when Anaconda came out.
Remember, we saw it like 30 times.
Put it right there alongside the classics.
Totally.
How about that cast?
J-Lo, Ice Cube, Owen Wilson, Stoltz.
I mean, it's a murderer's row.
Plus, the snake was like a metaphor for
our lives at that moment.
Like, life is coming at you.
Hunting you.
Forcing you.
Like, off your parents...
Like, your parents' health insurance and
stuff.
I don't know.
No, it's true.
Yeah, that's...
It was like that.
That's right, Kenny.
How about that accent by John Boyd?
How about that?
That was a choice.
They rap around you and you too.
You get the privilege of hearing their
bones break.
They pour their power out and break.
Causes your veins to explode!
I have the rights to Anaconda.
What?
I have the rights to Anaconda.
Yeah, apparently.
The movie was based on a novel by some
dead Japanese guy.
And my agent introduced me to his widow.
Unbelievably.
She...
She was such a fan of the four
episodes that I did on SWAT... Who is it?
...that she gave me the rights.
So what are you gonna do with them?
Uh, well, not me.
Us.
We're gonna reboot the thing.
Indie style.
Three weeks.
Run and gun.
In the Amazon.
Skeletal crew.
Claire, you and I can star.
Kenny, you shoot it.
Doug, you direct.
Huh?
Come on.
What do you say?
I mean... It's a wonderful idea.
In theory... I mean...
I can...
I can get time off from work.
Yes, you can, Kenny.
Sweet.
Kenny, what are you talking about?
You're it.
He's not... No.
He's not in.
He says, like, one thing and you're in
already.
You're going to the Amazon.
He's not in.
What do you say?
Claire?
I... I just... I don't know if I'm in
the right headspace right now.
Of course you are.
Divorce... Of course you're
not in the right headspace.
That's the best headspace.
Are you kidding me?
Come on.
It's like he pray love and...
shit.
Come on.
You know what?
I'm in.
What?
Yes.
Really?
Sweet.
Yeah.
I mean, my life is totally shit anyway,
so... God, I'm so happy to hear that.
Hmm.
I mean, not that your life is shit,
but that you're in.
Besides, as soon as
Doug says yes, we'll
probably need you to
finance this whole thing.
What?
Doug?
Griff.
I'm sorry.
Yes?
I've got responsibilities.
I've got Mailey, Charlie, my job.
I know.
I'm faking it.
I'm faking, uh, wedding videos.
Films.
Right.
It's a good life, you know.
It's a B, B plus life.
B?
B plus life?
It's a good life.
Do you remember when we were kids and we
would stay up until 4 in the morning,
hanging out in Mom's basement watching
horror movies?
Scaring the shit out of ourselves?
Texas Chainsaw on, like, repeat?
Now we have the chance to make one
ourselves.
Dude.
That's what we dreamed about ever since we
were little kids.
I hear you.
But we're not kids anymore, Griff.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
No.
I just...
I get it.
I do.
Thank you.
Still watching the quatch.
Charlie, why don't you go to bed?
I do.
Check on those cookies.
Okay.
But I'm pausing it.
So?
Don't touch it.
Gonna need some ice cold milch with that.
You got it.
What are you doing?
What?
Just go make the movie.
Melee.
Come on.
Every time you watch this thing,
you light up.
Like, I haven't seen you light up in a
long time.
So what?
I'm supposed to chase some Hollywood
fantasy I had as a kid?
Waste a bunch of money and time?
And for what?
In the end, what's it going to change?
I don't know.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Holy shit.
What am I singing?!
Hello?
I don't want to wait, ma'am.
Our lives could be like this.
Over.
What are you talking about?
The Anaconda thing.
You were serious, right?
Yes, very.
Then let's do it.
Let's reboot Anaconda.
Yes!
Yes.
DeWise, soup to nuts, what does it cost to
get this thing made?
I figure we need three weeks of shooting.
Some VFX, some SFX, a
riverboat, with a real captain,
travel to and from a jungle,
and a gigantic real snake.
Reverbably a rental.
Rental, copy.
All in to two and a half million dollars.
That sounds right.
We've approved a loan for you for up to...
$9,400.
Yes.
That provides the budget down to $43,000
all in.
That sounds more right.
Now the film does have to be scary,
right?
Terrifying.
But it can't just be about a giant snake
killing people.
Exactly.
You know?
It has to be about something, right?
Right.
I mean...
Themes.
Come on.
Like grief.
What about revenge?
In terms of themes?
That's like one of the top ones.
Oh my god.
I got a good one.
Hit me.
Intergenerational trauma.
I love intergenerational trauma.
Who doesn't love intergenerational trauma?
It's the best.
We're onto something.
This is a masterpiece.
You're a goddamn genius.
I love it.
Don't change a word.
Not a word.
You killed it.
It's scary.
It's emotional.
It's funny when it needs to be.
Romantic.
Dude.
Thank you.
Hey, Doug.
I know that we had our little dust
up, but I need to shoot this film, man.
Dust up?
Yeah.
He fired me from the wedding video stuff
because I got a little wasted.
Knocked over the wedding cake.
But I'm dealing with it.
Like getting sober?
Yes.
Well, I mean, Buffalo sober.
Buffalo sober?
Mm-hmm.
Just beer and wine.
And then some of the lighter liquors.
But definitely not all of them.
I'm proud of you.
Doug?
If I'm being honest, I enabled you a
little bit.
Of course you get a second chance.
Let's do this.
Nice.
Thank you, man.
Car is here.
And you have the meth liquid.
Right?
You only take that once a week.
Yeah.
I almost forgot.
Talk to me.
I got you this.
What?
I know.
Pretty sick.
World's greatest Doug.
I thought I should say dad.
Whatever, man.
It's funny.
I love it.
It's much better.
Good.
So it begins.
All right.
Alright!
Made it!
That's what I'm talking about!
So hey, I was reading about anacondas on a
plane.
Basically, they wait in the water for
days, stalking their prey.
Never moving, just waiting.
And then when a prey comes, snatch and
grab it.
A thousand pounds of pressure.
You think you're gonna get away?
You're not.
Crushing you.
Oxygen leaving your lungs.
Oh god, it's terrible.
So like in the movie Anaconda.
Yeah, exactly.
So it's real.
Yeah, it's all real.
Very real.
There's the story of this woman.
God bless her.
The snake wraps around her so tight.
The eyeballs just...
No way!
It was my grandmother, Silvana.
Shit!
Horrible grandmother.
I feel sad.
I'm sorry, who are you?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Carlos Santiago.
Yeah, you can call me Santiago.
Hey, it's Kenny from the phone.
Kenny, yeah.
This is our snake handler.
Oh, thank god.
You're supposed to be the best.
No, supposed to be.
I have a joker here.
No, I'm the best.
Yes.
That's good.
So, welcome to Brazil.
Let's meet a snake.
When
I found him, he was dying of starvation.
His food supply was destroyed by gold
miners who put mercury in the river.
Gold miners?
Gold mining poisons our land.
Their greed almost killed my snake.
Oh.
But I fed him by nursing him back to life.
In many ways, he did the same for me.
Ah, yes.
A tale as old as time, saved by a snake.
... What's your name?
It was, uh, Griff.
Okay, Griff.
It's not only his name.
He's my tiny giant.
My friend.
One of the most important creatures of the
arithmetological world.
No, of course, I, uh, sure.
I didn't, I wasn't
trying to... I, yes.
Okay, let me introduce you.
Heitor.
Heitor?
Oh, my goodness.
Hey, cutie.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, hell yes!
This thing is nuts!
There are rumors of condas even bigger.
Maybe four or five times this size.
Go ahead, Kenny, from the phone.
Um, is it true that they regurgitate their
prey?
Sometimes.
I mean, if you're unlucky, you die right
away because of suffocation.
But only the lucky ones survive.
Unlucky?
Yeah, because then you
might actually be conscious
when the snake comes
back to finish you off.
Gotcha.
Ooh.
Better to die.
Hey, let me ask you a question.
Um, our snake guy, does he seem kind of
batshit crazy?
I mean, he's best friends with a snake.
Of course, he's a little quirky.
Yeah.
But I like him.
Really?
Yeah.
Then again, I used up all my vacation days
to come make a self-financed snake meeting
with you three, so... Your judgment's
really off.
My judgment is off.
You know his husband.
Anybody talk to the captain?
It's time to shoot.
Oh, I'll reach out again.
Awesome.
Hi, guys.
My name is Anna.
I believe you spoke to my father on the
phone?
Bruno?
That's your dad?
Yeah, he sends his apologies, but he's at
the hospital.
Oh.
Ah, I'm sorry.
Unfortunately, you'll have to
make other accommodations
because I need to take this
boat upriver for a routine service.
But I can assure you a full refund.
No, wait, wait!
Everything else is booked.
Yeah.
And we're gonna shoot a movie.
It's a reboot.
Manaconda?
Technically, it's more
of a reimagining, but
it's actually more
of a spiritual sequel.
Good for you.
There's gotta be a way, right?
We can crew the boat.
There's nothing I can do.
We have dreamed of making this film
together our entire lives.
Please.
I am begging you.
Please.
Help us find another way.
Let's do this.
But, but fast.
Yes!
Yes!
Oh.
One more thing, you guys.
Before we go to bed, we got a big day
tomorrow.
If you remember, we had a tradition on all
our films.
The night before we started shooting,
we would say a prayer to the movie gods.
Asking them to basically not screw us
over.
And for the first time ever, may they
listen.
Come on, to the movie gods.
Alright, we're rolling.
Manaconda, scene 15, take 1.
Slap it.
Bella!
What?
What the hell are you still doing here?
I've come to take you home.
It's time you stop chasing this mythical
snake.
And what if I'm not prone to giving up?
I didn't see you filming there.
What are we doing, an APK?
Background DVD.
Bonus stuff.
The Anaconda is the story of an intrepid
biologist, played by Claire, who hires an
unhinged snake tracker,
played by Griff, to hunt down and
kill a giant mythical conda
that ate her entire family.
Come and get me, you goddamn snake!
And on a deeper level, it's about chasing
your dreams.
And camera set, pushups good, and action!
What's it like shooting with Doug again?
He and I are best friends, we've worked
together our whole lives, and I went out
to LA and he was gonna come out, we were
gonna be a partnership and he didn't do it.
Griff and I planned to work together in
LA, but you know, life intervened.
But it doesn't matter, because
now we're together, and now
we're back, we're making
this, and it's as it should be.
I am the instant!
The other conda moves slow and steady.
Sometimes it goes fast.
Snake B.O.V., R.D., take one!
No, it's not working.
Snake B.O.V., the right way, take two.
Sometimes he goes from above in the trees,
sometimes from below in the water.
The toothpick, it unlocked a couple of
aspects of his character for me.
Something there.
Ah!
Why would I be nervous about doing a love
story with Griff?
You guys used to date.
That was a long time ago.
A little bit of chaos is part of the
ingredients.
This
might be the last time you look at each
other!
You think you'd be a little nicer to the
guy who's out here to save your life?
You're an asshole.
Ah!
And a P.H.T.
And cut!
Great stuff, guys.
We got it.
Should we go one more time?
Wanna try it again?
No, I'm good if you're good.
Let's go one more time!
The chemistry between you two is...
like we were right back in high school.
When you looked up at her.
Well, that's because of your note.
About taking the beat right before you did
it.
Yeah, yeah, I made the scene.
I tell you, I never felt like this on
SWAT.
I mean, granted, I was only in a couple of
episodes, but it was never collaborative.
It was never fun.
Not like this.
This is... Like we
were back on Quatch?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, so, one script thing.
Let's take it at the midway point.
Instead of talking the bad guy out of it,
what if Claire's character headbutts him?
Sorry, headbutts him?
Headbutts him.
Or...
We both do.
Double headbutts.
Come on.
It's kind of revolutionary.
That is super revolutionary.
Why is that super revolutionary?
It's never been done.
Jesus Christ, this is a beautiful scene
with real stakes, Doug.
Feel free to weigh in here.
No, I hear you.
I do.
And as always, I trust your instincts on
this.
But a double headbutt is pretty
revolutionary.
Right?
Isn't it?
It's very revolutionary.
Yes!
There's no denying it.
Claire, is the problem that you don't know
how to headbutt?
Why would I not know how to headbutt?
We're not born with these skills.
We learn them along the way.
Let me show you.
Tight core.
Breathe in.
Hold that breath.
And you can vocalize.
Another kind of headbutt is more
unleashed.
Just full on...
You got the arms in there.
That's good.
Send that shit into the goal.
Or you put some Brazilian sauce on that.
You know.
Toma!
Toma!
Toma!
Toma.
I love it.
It's a Brazilian spice.
Yeah!
I would do a headbutt.
I would go for the bridge of the nose.
Just crack it.
- Jesus!
- That's it!
I'm sorry, but how could this happen?
Kenny, I thought you said this guy was a
pro.
That's what he said.
But he hasn't provided us with a
certificate.
You fixed the crate, right?
It's taken care of?
My thing.
My job.
Under control.
All good.
My Hector is a beautiful, intelligent,
smart, sexy creature.
He does exactly what I command.
And I would never let
anything happen to you or
the crazy one or her or
her or this Hector here.
So have a good night.
May the sounds of the forest be the music
of your dreams.
Jesus!
That is a boy!
Okay, actors on your marks.
Santiago, is Hector ready?
Yes.
Hector is always ready.
Hector is ready.
And action!
Cut, please.
Um, cut?
Yeah.
All right, cut.
Kenny, do you mind if I...
Santiago, take five.
Hector, five.
Hey.
Wow.
It's huge when you see it up close in
person like that.
Majestic creature.
But I just want to...
I throw myself in front of the snake to
kind of protect Claire's character.
Right?
Correct.
Is there any value in not doing that?
What?
No.
No, no.
He sacrifices himself for her.
It caps his arc.
It's so important.
And also, dude, it's totally safe.
Santiago has Hector under control.
Okay.
You got nothing to worry about.
We're good.
Yeah.
We're good.
Okay.
All right, let's do this.
All right, take it from the top.
Back to one.
Santiago, Hector.
Action!
Go!
I'm not leaving!
Not without you, Derek.
This thing's got me.
The war's depending on you.
I'm depending on you.
Dammit, I love you, Derek.
Man, oil!
Okay, okay.
Put your face right up next to the snake.
I don't like this.
I don't want to do it anymore.
Get closer.
Get closer.
He's friendly.
What did you gotta do?
No, I don't quite have a touch.
You got the shot.
This is gold.
Just give me one more second.
One inch closer to your face.
Get it right up in there.
You're a hero!
Get out!
No!
I
know you think this is strange.
I know you think this is strange.
A grown man get emotional over some dad
snake.
A grown man get emotional over some dad
snake.
Jesus.
But I love him.
And he love him back.
Whatever way he could.
Oh, God!
Oh, God!
No!
Why is Kenny crying?
Ugh.
Hey, I don't want you here.
Not for this!
You tried to murder me.
Griff?
What?
Let the man grieve.
You murdered my friend!
Just get out of my face!
Where am I supposed to go?
Griff, go!
Just move!
Oh, it is my friend.
Snake of the fine snakes.
Welcome here, my dear friend.
Snake-ity snake.
Snake-ity snake.
Snake-ity snake.
Snake-ity snake.
Snake-ity fine snakes.
Wow.
What are you doing there?
I am making some weird funeral.
It is some type of a snake.
What are you talking about?
Snake funeral.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
I can't help you with anything.
No, not you!
No!
I know, I'm sorry.
I don't mean... I'm not trying to disturb
you.
I just wanted...
Just leave me alone!
I'm sorry for your loss.
I know you don't believe me, but it's
true.
I really am.
A friend of mine died once too,
and it hurts.
Was it a snake?
Was it a snake?
No.
It was just a... human person.
Oh.
Still sad, right?
Totally.
Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
Beer?
Well, I don't have much feels here,
but yeah, I'll just mix it up.
A few commercials, TV...
Did a few episodes of SWAT.
Oh, SWAT?
Yeah.
Oh, I like that one.
I swear, I even had the last line text.
The last text.
Last line is season three.
So what happened?
Well, the producers
decided that they didn't
really need that character,
so they got rid of me.
I mean, it's only been going about eight
or nine more seasons.
They don't deserve you.
Yeah, you're a star.
Thank you.
Yeah.
You're thinking of us?
I mean, an industrial?
You know what movie I like?
What?
The Legend of Bagger Vance.
You should do a movie like that.
Oh, man, I wish.
Yeah.
I like you.
I like you, too.
You know what?
What?
I'll get a new snake for your movie now.
Really?
Yes.
Oh, my God.
Thank you so much.
You come with me, of course.
What?
I'm sorry.
Should we be in here?
Maybe we should head back.
What was that?
What was that?
Shh.
Shh.
Listen.
There are snakes around here.
I can feel it.
What does it feel like?
I don't know.
It's just very snakey.
What's... it's snakey?
What?
It's something in your mouth that's made
you crash into the ground.
It's making you nicely ugly.
It's a worm.
Okay.
Okay.
I don't really know what that is.
I'm not sure.
This is a snake.
Why does it need a snake?
I don't know.
You know what?
Let's go back to the boat.
Let's go back to the boat.
Santiago!
Santiago!
SANTIAGO!
Nope.
Hey, have you seen Santiago?
I don't think he's come back.
Back?
From what?
We went out to go get a new snake.
You went to find a snake in the middle of
the night?
Yeah, but we need one for the movie.
It was dark.
We got separated.
It was crazy out there.
Griff, Griff, Griff.
What?
You went out in the middle of the night to
find a juicy snake in the jungle?
You know what that's called?
Producing.
Really?
I guarantee he will be back with a giant
snake.
And you and I are making movies.
You're right.
Santiago's a pro.
He'll be fine.
If he's not back soon, we'll go look for
him.
Thank you very much, Santiago.
Guys, it's been over an hour.
I have to go find him.
Well, you're not going alone.
Yeah, we're definitely coming with you.
It's safer that way.
Have you guys tried this thing?
It's like a warm bowl of soup,
but in chair form.
Yeah, man.
Chairs.
They, like, hold you, man.
They literally have arms, right?
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Like when your parents are gone?
We still have chairs, you know?
The hell are you talking about?
Let's go find Santiago.
Let's get a snake for our snake movie.
Yeah, Santiago!
Let's go!
Hey.
What direction are we heading in?
Um...
Wait, Kenny.
Are you high right now?
Yeah, but I'm good.
I already peaked.
Jesus Christ, Kenny!
We're completely lost!
Wait, you guys.
This way.
It looks like the gold camper,
man.
He's on the boat.
I need you to do a search in the area.
Oh, yeah.
I'm afraid to stay in the jungle.
It doesn't matter.
We have to find her.
What the hell?
What is that?
Oh, maybe Santiago's sleeping in there.
Hola.
Looks totally abandoned.
Anybody home?
Maybe some food and water.
We could stay here.
At least tonight.
Oh, man.
There's got to be snacks in here.
I'm going.
Oh, man, you're going on a break.
That's where that guy went.
Oh, my God.
What is out there?
We gotta go now.
Let's go.
Let's go.
We can't let it crush the man.
Crush the man?
I'm going back to the station.
Wait, what is going on?
What?
It's not... it's a camper van.
Probably.
It's got a split-charge battery.
The relay probably popped off.
It's underneath the hood.
Kenny, can you fix it?
Usually I can fix it, yes, but I'm still
having some visual problems because of the.
You did it to me again!
You did it on the wedding video and I can
waste it off your ass!
Again!
I'm really sorry, boss.
You're Buffalo Sober!
You're Buffalo Sober!
Do you have any more?
Wes, please, can you fix it?
I think I'm better suited to be your wheel
mate.
What are you talking about?
I've always been a better driver than you.
No, you've been a safer driver.
I passed the driver's test on my first
drive.
You took three times!
Yeah, but that's because I... that was
because of yield.
I didn't know... now I know what that is.
Oh my god, we're gonna die.
Sorry.
I'll just fix it.
Hey, what was that?
You're not supposed to get that big!
Hey, maybe we can ask these guys for help!
We have to stop!
Do not stop the car!
Anna, what is going on?
They're illegal gold miners who patrol the
jungles around here.
These guys are dangerous.
They'll kill anyone who crosses into their
territory.
Ah, shit!
They're gonna kill us!
What are they shooting at us?
We're gonna get you dry really fast now!
Whoa, whoa!
Anna, what are you doing?
Annie, are you getting this?
Yes!
Keep rolling!
Rip faster!
Where is she?
Oh my god.
Where is she?
Who?
Who do you mean?
I know there's someone else here.
So?
Where is she?
Let's go, come on!
We gotta go, fast!
Look, I can get you guys out of here.
All we need to do is keep heading north.
There's a small airport about a day and a
half from here.
You can get us home?
Yes.
Get us home.
I think we gotta call it.
Man, we've got such good stuff and we're
so close.
Really?
We're going home?
Buddy, I know.
I don't want to go home empty-handed
either.
But we came out here to make Anaconda.
And now we're in it.
I'm sorry.
Guys?
Emergency meeting.
Cast and crew only.
Tammy, sit down.
New pages.
We have some time before the next port.
And I had an idea last night that I think
is just too damn good not to shoot.
Doug!
Everybody's pretty burnt, man.
Just hear me out.
I'm begging you, please, Kenny.
All right.
Sorry, boss.
Thank you.
What if you two, on your
way to find the Anaconda,
run into a total badass
on an incredible quest?
Oh, that's interesting.
Let me guess.
To expose illegal gold miners?
Bingo.
Raising the stakes?
Exactly.
And while they're hunting
down this mythical snake,
they actually end up
fighting the real villain.
An even bigger snake.
Man.
Oh, yeah.
Yes.
Man.
I like this.
This is good.
And if we add this element, it does make
the movie much bigger.
Like now it's...
about something.
Themes.
Themes.
Yeah.
Okay.
You know what, guys?
I didn't want to say anything before,
but...
this thing might be an awards play.
I mean, the Academy loves social work.
Right?
Dude.
You could be the white Jordan Peele.
I was thinking the same thing.
We've been through so much, you guys.
Let's finish this movie.
I'm in.
Let's do it.
Yeah.
One night job.
To play this new awesome character.
And cut.
Yes.
That's what I'm talking about.
Nice.
You sure you've never acted before?
I swear.
Some of the best acting I've ever seen.
You're a natural.
You're incredible.
Thank you.
Take five, next up we got 72.
Guys, Guys, you see what I'm saying?
She's incredible, right?
Yeah, yes.
Hey, a question though.
If she saves us, it doesn't really give my
character anything to do.
Yeah.
This was supposed to be the moment where
my character starts falling for Derek,
so he needs to do something heroic,
you know?
Unselfish.
I don't know, you guys.
This just feels like her moment.
She actually did it in real life.
But good news, I'm gonna shoot all the
rest on her so you guys have the day off.
See you later.
Take the day off.
Huh.
This is our movie, Griff.
And he's just cutting us out.
Yep.
Welcome to show business, baby.
You're not in it unless you're getting
screwed over by your friends.
You ever wake up and wonder, what the hell
have I done with my life?
Yeah.
Like every day.
Hey, at least you had the guts to go after
what you did.
No.
You think I wanted to go to law school?
What have I got to show for it,
though, huh?
You know what I have?
I have a terrible apartment and a
74-year-old roommate.
Sometimes I go to Trader Joe's just to
feel air conditioning.
You at least have a career.
I mean, what do I have to show for it?
I got no family.
No career.
Never done anything that matters.
I have nothing.
It's never too late.
Griff, I know you're in there.
Let's make a movie.
Hola, amigo.
Jesus, come on.
Get dressed.
We've got a packed day.
What are you talking about?
I am dressed.
I'm dressed really, pretty, very nicely.
All right.
Can you just take a cold shower?
We've got to film, like, now.
Here's an idea.
You know what you should call the movie?
Anaconda.
Get it?
Anaconda.
Because of Anna.
Can you just get in costume?
Hey, you know what?
You wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for
me.
Without me, you'd still be stuck in Buffalo
shooting your bullshit wedding videos.
Films.
Yeah, you can tell yourself that.
My God.
You know what?
I vouch for you, too.
Even the rights holders.
They're like, who is this guy?
I said, trust me.
He's good.
What is that?
Are they making a movie?
Excuse me.
Are you guys shooting a movie?
We're doing a reboot of Anaconda.
Come again?
A reboot of Anaconda.
Anaconda?
Like Ice Cube Anaconda?
Yeah.
Sony's rebooting it.
I know.
No new ideas.
That's weird.
So let me get this straight.
You don't have the rights to Anaconda?
No, well, I...
Not legally.
And you've never owned the rights to
Anaconda?
I mean, who owns Anaconda?
Sony.
Sony owns Anaconda.
Yeah, no, no, I know that.
No, I mean, like, you know, in the larger
sense.
Why would you tell us that you had the
rights to the goddamn Anaconda franchise
when you very much don't have the rights
to the goddamn Anaconda franchise?
Do we really even need the rights,
really?
I mean, like, who gives a shit?
About IP?
Yeah.
Literally everyone.
That's what big movies are!
That's why we're here!
You think that's why we're here?
Yes, that's why we're here!
We almost died!
We're out in the middle of the goddamn
jungle!
We're alive!
I had to lie!
I had to lie to you!
You wouldn't have come otherwise!
You wouldn't... none of you would have...
Bullshit!
Not bullshit!
It's why you never came out to L.A.
with me in the first place!
Even though we had a whole plan to work
together!
Your whole life, you just... it's been
dictated by fear!
Griff...
You're fired.
What?
You're fired.
No, no, I'm not.
You can't fire me.
You know why?
Because I quit.
Already.
Last night.
I just didn't tell anybody yet.
So...
Too bad for you, I guess.
Because I did... or I quit.
Griff!
Wait!
Where are you even gonna go?
To find the Anaconda boat.
Maybe they can help me get home.
Just think about this.
It's not safe.
It's a tiny boat.
There's a giant snake out there.
Please don't do this.
Griff!
J-Lo!
Ice Cube!
John Boyd!
Are you in this one?
Help me!
Help me, John!
Help me!
Help me!
It's okay!
It's okay!
Help me!
It's okay!
Calm down!
I'll come get you!
It's okay!
You're safe!
You're safe!
I can't...
Ah!
Shit!
Doug!
Oh, God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Doug!
Hmm?
Doug, what's going on?
Why have we stopped?
Well, uh, Anna found a great place to
shoot the next scene.
The next scene?
Look, look, okay, I know.
Losing Griff was hard.
But between the four of us, we can finish
this film.
I'm not going home empty-handed.
Come on, man.
Without Griff, that's not part of the
plan.
Well, plans change, and that's part of
filmmaking, too.
No, no, Doug, we have to go back for him.
He's not safe out there.
Anna, we need to turn the boat around.
You're not turning the boat around.
Yeah, we're not turning the boat around.
Everyone off the boat now!
What's going on?
Anna, what are you doing?
This definitely isn't the plan.
Well, plans change, Doug.
Isn't that filmmaking?
And every good film needs a bit of a
twist.
Everyone off the boat now!
To the dock.
You're going to carry these for me back to
the boat.
Let's go.
And then what?
And then you're going to shoot us?
No!
I'm not going anywhere until you tell me
what's inside these bags.
You want to look at it?
Look at it.
Wait.
Is that...
Gold?
So you're the miner?
You did all of this for money?
Very quick, Claire.
Stop!
I'm not going to be part of your shit
quest!
Oh!
Holy shit!
I'm going to kill you!
I'm going to kill you!
Wait!
Calm down.
You don't move!
I'm with the government to track illegal
gold miners.
And Anna here runs one of the biggest
rings in Brazil.
Joo.
There's a gold miner here who can change
your life forever.
Do you think I care about gold?
Don't trust anything she says.
She's a liar.
She's a damn liar.
We're filmmakers from Buffalo.
We're working on a spiritual sequel to
Anaconda.
And I don't know if she mentioned that,
but it's not just a reboot.
And I kicked out my friend who had the
lead.
And I gave her a juicy-ass role.
And this is how she treats me?
I don't know what you're talking about,
man.
Off topic.
Go.
Arrest her.
Oh, thank God.
Put the camera down.
Sorry.
I...
Oh, my God!
Who shot me?
That'd be me, asshole.
Grif?
No.
He was a good guy.
I'm a good guy.
He's a cop!
Look, I... What?
I'm a good guy.
Drop it on your knees now, the four of
you.
Facing the water.
Wait, I... Now.
Hey!
No, no, Anna.
Don't.
Don't do this.
You too, Claire.
On your knees.
Now!
You don't have to be this person.
I have children at home.
They're 10 and 13.
Please.
Please.
Think about what you're doing to my kids.
Just shut your mouth.
Turn around now.
On your knees.
Now!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
For the record, that's how you have butt,
bitch.
You won't do it.
You don't have the balls.
I know you, Claire.
You don't know me.
I don't even have kids.
Jesus Christ!
Oh, fuck!
Snake!
No!
No, wait!
Wait!
Snake!
I think the boat is back that way.
Yeah, but so is the snake.
We can't go that way.
We gotta take this trail and get to the
high ground.
Wait.
What was that?
What?
Did it bite you?
Yeah, you know what?
I think it bit me.
I think it got me.
Yeah, I know it hurts,
but we gotta get out
of here now because
the snake is out there.
Sorry.
I can't move.
My leg is freaking out.
What are we gonna do?
We're gonna have to piss on you,
man.
Huh?
On the bite.
On the bite?
It's the only way.
I thought that was just jellyfish.
No, no, no, no.
It's all animals.
Are you sure?
Positive.
Someone's gotta piss.
I need one of your pisses.
I'd love to be able to help out, but I'm
just... I am drained, tapped, bone-dry.
Claire, you wanna take care of this?
I'm wearing a onesie.
Kenny, we don't have time to argue about
this.
You're up.
You know this isn't possible.
Why not?
Because he's...
pee-shy.
Pee-shy?
I have urinary stench, Bright.
Why not?
I haven't been able to pee in public in 35
years.
My life sucks.
You can do this.
You have to do this.
Whiz on me.
You got it, buddy.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You can do it.
You can do it.
Let it flow.
Let it flow.
Yeah.
Just piss on me.
Come on.
Whiz on me.
Whiz on me.
Do it.
Whiz on me.
You don't think I want to?
I would love to piss all over you,
man.
But it's not in the car.
It's... Whiz on me.
Again.
Now.
I'm trying to do this.
You can do it.
Whiz on me.
Do it, Ken.
That is an order.
Whiz on me.
Now.
Okay.
Okay.
You got it, buddy.
You got it.
There's one more problem.
What?
I haven't told you about this.
I can only pee sitting down.
Jesus Christ.
I need a chair.
Come on, Denny.
Come on.
Come on.
Just do it.
Do it.
Come on, buddy.
Come on.
Get up.
I'm sorry about what I said before on the
boat.
The truth is, I've been jealous of you for
a long, long time.
Jealous?
For having the balls to do what I
couldn't.
For going after what you wanted,
going to L.A.
and putting yourself on fire.
I can't sit down.
You do not have a choice.
Come on.
Come on.
Okay.
What did I do?
I tricked him into coming here and now
he's dead.
No, no.
We all chose to be here.
I wish it was me.
It should be me.
This is not your fault and we have to keep
going.
Hey guys, I think I found out which way we
should go.
It's a big open field.
We gotta get across it to get to the boat.
But we can't just run across it.
It's too exposed.
The snake could come from anywhere.
Maybe we can create a distraction.
Yeah, yeah, maybe.
But how do we do that?
I mean, it's gonna be easy.
It's here.
Doug, no.
Dougie.
Dougie.
Come on, man.
Is he?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Baby Doug is the distraction.
I know this is horrible, okay?
But if we can drag Doug out
of the border's back, wouldn't we make it
really hard for the snake to swallow him?
It'll occupy the snake
long enough for us to
get across the field
and get back to the boat.
That's a really smart idea.
Oh, God.
This is horrible.
It meant saving all of us.
I'm sure Doug would have wanted this.
I'm not sure he would have wanted this.
Wait.
We gotta go.
What are you doing?
It's the snakes.
They love squirrel meat.
Wait.
The snake is right behind us.
I can't.
Oh, shit.
He's alive.
He's alive.
I thought you checked his pulse.
Right there.
No, you damn shitty job.
What the fuck?
Man.
What?
He's right behind you.
What?
Run.
Run.
You can't have him.
Run.
Ah, shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Run.
Run.
Run.
Run.
Run.
Run.
Run.
Run.
It's not my bag.
It's a lost story.
Just run.
Dad.
This thing's alive.
This thing's alive.
It's trying to bite me.
It's trying to bite me.
Dad.
Dad.
Holy shit.
Get back to the boat.
Get back to the boat.
I think we're okay.
Oh, God.
All right.
All right.
Oh, God.
What the hell?
I thought I was dead.
How you doing, Jovi?
I'm okay now.
I thought we lost him.
Can I say something?
I'm sorry.
I think I got so caught up in wanting to
play a hero that I lost sight of what it
is that's really important to me that's
just making stuff with you guys again.
Griff, I feel the exact same way.
I love you guys.
I just have one question.
What?
Whose idea was it to put that dead
squirrel in my mouth?
It was like a group decision.
Really?
Yeah, it wasn't like one person.
Snakes love squirrel meat.
I knew it was your idea!
Guys, come on, we gotta keep moving.
Alright, well I made a choice and I'm
sticking with it!
Holy shit.
It's the anaconda, sir.
What happened?
It's destroyed.
Hello?
Is anyone there?
Hello?
Can you help us?
What?
What?
Again?
Sorry.
Holy shit.
Ice Cube!
Who'd you think it was?
John Boynton?
Let's go!
Get in here!
Get in here, tube socks!
Mayor, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm alright.
The snake tore up the set.
Everybody's scattered.
Lamp hit me, I'm down.
I get up, nobody there.
What about J-Lo?
Yeah, Eric's dolls.
Jenny from the block, so she gonna be
okay, but Eric ain't from the block.
Jesus.
Dammit.
I don't know how we're gonna do it,
but we have to kill it before it kills us.
I'm with that.
I'm with that.
Hey, how are they gonna do it in your
script?
I don't know.
The writer never finished the third act.
What?
You guys started shooting before you knew
the end.
Welcome to Hollywood, buttercup.
That's what they do.
They just make it up as they go along.
What was the general gist?
Do you have any idea?
All I know is they were setting up pyro
techniques all through here.
Is it still up?
It's hooked up, but I don't know how to
work pyro.
Kenny, you know how to ignite pyro,
right?
Not a problem for us.
Hey, I don't know what y'all talking
about, alright?
I gotta go save J-Lo and Stoltz,
okay?
Really?
You're going after them?
They the homies, okay?
I can't leave them out here with the ops.
I got to go and represent.
They my castmates.
Actors code.
Respect.
Hey, hey.
Oh, you do mind?
Switch fans.
Everything you do.
Man, y'all group it out.
Y'all group it out.
What?
Let's go.
Everybody get in here.
Okay.
Don't post that.
No, no, no, no.
Can we get one more for safety?
I don't think my face was talking.
It's totally in there.
No, it's okay.
You're gonna need that.
Are you sure?
Of course.
I got another one.
100%.
What are you thinking?
Just to make sure it's exactly what I'm
thinking, which I'm sure it is, totally.
Super sure.
Think about killing that snake.
I'd say that's it.
That's what I was thinking, too.
Okay, here's the plan.
Griff, you get the detonator for Kenny.
Claire, you fire up the generators.
Kenny, you set up the cameras.
I'll get the golf cart.
We'll lure the snake into the pyro field
and end this thing once and for all.
You ready for our big Hollywood ending?
You ready?
Kenny said as soon as we get to the pyro
field, we can detonate these one by one.
Gonna blow this bitch sky high.
Sky frickin' high.
Come get us, asshole!
Where is he?
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
This is just so bad!
We're an arctic government!
Go, go!
I'm gonna be there.
Where is he?
Right now!
Pardon us!
We're the government!
Oh, wait a minute!
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about golf cart technology!
Where'd it go?
I don't see it!
I don't know where it is!
Keep your head on a swivel!
I don't see it anywhere!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Keep your head on a swivel!
Oh, my God!
Oh!
Oh!
Shoot!
The boss is set up.
If we don't get this thing online in time,
then we're all dead.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go!
We're gonna try to save you!
Why is there no power?
Why is there no power?
I'm gonna let you.
No!
Wait, look.
Look for something like this.
Okay.
Okay.
Almost there!
It's getting closer.
It's getting closer.
Oh, God!
So fast!
Oh!
Stop!
Stop, you giant, sick shit!
It's not working!
It's not working!
Help!
Why didn't it happen?
Why isn't it going?
I don't know.
Oh, wait.
Oh, no!
Oh, shit!
I forgot to turn it on!
Come on, cardstock!
Oh, shit!
Let's get back!
Don't get me!
Why's she doing that?
Holy cow!
Oh, shit!
We're all gonna die?
Not
on my watch, mister!
A long
time ago, a group of artists had a vision.
To one day live their dream of making a
major motion picture.
And last year, against all odds,
I'm proud to say that dream was realized.
As my friend Kenny likes to say,
the snake is a metaphor for the monsters
that come for all of us if our dreams
remain unrealized.
And to be clear, there's also a
non-metaphor snake.
Quick shout out to Claire Simon and Kenny
Trant.
Well,
we may not have the rights.
We don't, we don't have, we definitely
don't have the rights.
This is our completely
unauthorized, possibly
illegal, reboot of
the Sony classic film.
Ladies and gentlemen, the anaconda.
Are you Doug McAllister?
Uh-huh.
You directed the
unauthorized version of
Anaconda, even though
you didn't have the rights.
Yeah.
I saw your little movie.
And I loved it.
I loved it.
That's why I'm here.
I'm here because we're doing another
Anaconda.
And I want you to direct it.
Are you in?
My Anaconda.
Don't.
My Anaconda.
Baby got back.
My Anaconda.
Don't.
My Anaconda.
Don't want none unless you got buns,
hun.
Pull up tough.
Did you notice that butt was stuck?
Even the jeans she's wearing.
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring.
Oh, baby.
I wanna get a good job.
And took your picture.
Oh.
My.
God.
My Anaconda.
Don't.
Nice.
RIP?