Andrew Dice Clay Presents the Blue Show (2015) Movie Script

1
Yeah!
That's gonna kill you.
So, I got my tongue up this chick's ass...
This woman's already looking like,
"Did I go to the wrong show?"
It's what I do.
It's what you expect.
Women today, right?
You know, pal.
You been going through a lot in your life.
We got a...
We got a lot of
entertainment for you tonight.
Let me ask you something.
How old are you? How old are you?
Eighty-two.
Eighty-two fucking years old.
What's that?
I remember when you started.
You remember when I started.
I don't even remember
when I fuckin' started.
You know what I mean?
You seem like a great guy, Joey, really.
We're gonna have a lot
of fun with you tonight.
A lot of pussy sittin' right behind ya.
This is not a PG... You like pussy, right?
Yeah, I been through a lot with that shit.
You know what I mean?
Fucking destroys us, don't it?
I can actually remember...
This is fucking nuts.
You know, I don't really like
to talk about my family.
But, like, one time, you know,
I walked in when my mother
came out of the shower.
You know, she was naked.
I'm, like, seven years
old, and I see, like,
the winter bush.
You know what I mean?
And then, uh,
like a little while later, I go,
"Ma, I need to talk to
you about what that was."
You know what I mean?
And she goes, "Oh, that.
"That's just my sponge."
And she's going, "Have
you seen your father?"
And I go, "Well, what's funny is,
"that's why I'm asking
you about that because
"the maid has your sponge
and she's rubbing it
"all over Daddy's face."
I mean, I don't know if that was wrong.
Don't get embarrassed.
This isn't that kind of show.
This isn't an embarrassing show.
This is the first show that
I'm actually hosting with some of the
craziest comics you'll ever see.
And we're gonna really just have a
good fucking time.
You know what I mean?
Except for maybe you.
Jerk-off face.
You know what's amazing about women?
I will tell you this.
You know, because a
girl would look at a guy
like you with the green shirt
and the nice face, you know?
And what women don't seem to understand...
Like, I know I look like an animal.
I know that.
I dress like an animal,
I act like a fucking animal.
But let me tell you something, girls.
I don't care how nice a guy looks,
if he's in his plaid shirt,
or his striped shirt with his little
Howdy Doody face, whatever the fuck.
All I know is when any guy walks over
to any of you girls and says,
"Hi," all he's really thinking is,
Daze, daze, daze.
It's all we're thinking.
I'll be watching you.
But, anyway, we do have a great show.
I wanna get to the show.
We have some of the greatest
comics that I've found.
This first guy coming to stage
has a show right now
called "Dopeless Romantic."
Let's give it up for Erik Myers.
Oh, shit.
What's up? I'm Bradley Cooper on crack.
I am very skinny. Did you notice that?
I moved out to L.A. a year ago.
Everybody in L.A. wants to lose weight.
I've been this skinny for 34 years.
I think it sucks shit.
First of all, do you know
how hard it is as a man
to look tough when you weigh 92 pounds.
And it's not fair because I
can't pull off certain looks
that a bigger guy can do and look hard.
Like, a big guy can shave his head.
He looks like a badass like Vin Diesel.
Last summer, I shaved my head.
People thought I had leukemia.
They're like, "How long do you have?"
I'm like, "I don't know."
I'm so cold.
By the way, if you see me after the show
and you tell me I look like somebody,
can you make it somebody attractive,
for the love of God?
Last night after the show,
some drunken asshole saunters up to me
and tells me I look exactly like
Gollum from "Lord of the Rings."
What?!
That's not even a human
being, you piece of shit.
He's a fucking sock puppet, he's green.
And I'm trying to get
laid, all these hot women.
He's like, "Would you
do a Gollum impression?"
I'm like, "Fuck you."
You want me to run
through the theater like,
"My precious! Ah!"
"Ah! Touch it!"
I'm just not sexy.
Having sex with me is like having sex
with Beavis, okay?
It's like, "Yeah, baby, I like that!
"Suck it! Suck it!
"Fire. Fire. Suck it."
Oh, you're welcome, ladies.
You are welcome.
This is my real voice, by the way.
Like, people call my house,
they think I'm a woman on the phone.
Like I need this shit.
I had a telemarketer call me.
I'm like, "Hello,"
they're like, "Hi, Mrs. Myers."
I'm like, "Dude, I have a dick."
They're like, "That's great, Mrs. Myers."
"We're all God's children."
I'm a recovering addict/alcoholic.
I just had six months sober last week.
Don't clap, it's court-ordered.
I got busted with some
weed and I was drinking,
so I had to go to rehab instead of jail.
I went to this religious
rehab 'cause it was free.
And my first A.A. meeting, it
was a Catholic A.A. meeting.
And I swear to God at
the end of the meeting,
this man comes out the back
and starts pouring all the alcoholics
glasses of wine.
And I turn to my sponsor, Steve,
I'm like, "Dude, what
the fuck is going on?"
He's like, "Erik, it's cool.
Once they bless the wine,
"we're allowed to drink it
"because it has transformed
into the blood of Jesus."
I'm like, "No, shit!"
"Can they bless this bag of cocaine?"
"No, no, officer, this is
the dandruff of the Lord."
And I'm broke.
I got no business going to a club
and trying to get laid.
I have zero money.
And it's obvious because I can't afford
name-brand,
top-shelf alcohol.
I have to get some, like, piece of shit,
generic knock-off.
I go to the bar, I'm like,
"How much is the Sex on the Beach?"
They're like, "Ten dollars."
I have two dollars.
I'm like, "Give me the
Hand Job by the Creek."
They're like, "What's in that?"
I'm like, "Dr. Pepper,
motherfucker. Let's go.
"I can't afford ice."
I don't smoke weed, but I do think
weed should be legal, like everywhere.
Yeah.
'Cause weed is so much better than alcohol
because it's not violent.
No one in this room has ever been
in a fight high as shit, fucking ever.
Ever!
No story's like, "I took a hit off a joint
"and punched this guy in the fucking face."
That never happens.
Like, one time I ate a pot brownie.
Some guy tried to start shit with me.
He bumps into me, he's like,
"Hey, watch where you're going, bitch!"
I'm like, "Man, what'd you say?"
"I said, watch where you're going, bitch."
"Man, what'd you say?"
"What, you gonna do somethin'?"
"No, I just forgot."
"What did you say?"
I was talking to my dad today.
You ever talk to your parents
and they just make you
feel like the biggest pussy?
Like, my dad's a real
manly, intimidating guy.
Like, everything he did growing up
was the most hardcore shit on the planet.
He's like, "Erik, you don't
know how good you had it, son.
"When I was a kid, I had
to walk 10 miles to school
"in the freezing snow."
And he was raised in the 50s.
I guess that's how shit was.
I came up in the early 90s.
Things weren't that bad.
I'm glad I don't have a son
because if I bitched about my childhood,
I'd have to make it, like,
really dramatic to sell it.
"We didn't have cell phones in 1992!
"You ungrateful little shits!"
"I had a house phone."
"If it rang, I had to walk ten feet
"into the fucking kitchen."
"Across cold tiles.
"I didn't have Caller-ID.
"Whoever answered, I had to
talk to those motherfuckers."
"Oh, that's right, you little bitch."
"I didn't have an iPod, I had a Walkman
"with a cassette!"
"I wanted to hear a certain song,
"I had to fast-forward through
the whole fucking album."
"Then the tape got stuck,
you had to take it out
"and twist, twist, twist!"
"I didn't have iTunes and Lyric Finder.
"If I didn't know the name of a song,
"I had to go to Sam Goody at the mall
"and sing that shit to the cashier."
"That's right!
"'Cause we were men!
"I didn't have movies on-demand.
"I had to rent movies from Blockbuster.
"Shit was three days
late, it was 875 dollars."
"I didn't have Playstation
with twelve buttons.
"I had Nintendo... Two buttons!
"A and B.
"One was 'jump,' the
other was 'jump again.'
"That's it."
"We didn't have internet porn."
Remember ordering porn off a hotel TV?
I knew the front desk saw it
and I didn't give a shit
'cause I was so horny,
the opening credits got me riled up.
"The following movie contains nudity."
"Yeah!"
"This is the shit!
"Adult situations. Whoo!
"I'm an adult
"and I wanna see some situations!"
"Strong sexual content..."
"Show the fucking movie!
"Show the fucking movie!
"Show this piece of shit!"
"You've been charged $18.95."
"Stop the fucking movie!"
I'm Erik Myers. Thank you so much.
Erik Myers!
Fuckin' hysterical.
You see what I mean, Joey?
Things are heating up for us over here, eh?
Fucking guy can't hear, he
can't see, he can't walk.
I like to bang 'em footless now.
You ever bang a chick missing a limb?
You ever do that?
I'm telling you, it's a hot thing today.
They even got this chick,
if you watch the "Housewives" shows,
the New York housewives,
they got that one chick
that's got, like, a rubber leg.
You know what I'm talking about?
She's in the middle of an argument
with one of her girlfriends,
takes off the leg
and smashes it on the
kitchen fucking table.
I'm going, "Would you fucking..."
I was taught as a kid,
you don't put your elbows
on the kitchen table
and this fucking chick's
smashing the fuckin' table
with the fucking rubberized leg
with the fake fuckin' foot and the sneaker.
You think I'm kidding.
I went to a legless women's convention.
Listen to me, my friend.
That was pussy crawling all over the joint.
I know what I'm talking about.
Get the fuck outta here.
By the way, remind me to pinch
your tits after the show, honey.
Anyway, coming to the stage,
our next act, from Buffalo, New York,
the co-host of the "D.L.
Hughley Radio Show,"
let's give it up for Steve Wilson.
Whaddup, whaddup, whaddup?
How y'all doin' out there?
Whoo!
Once again, I'm the only nigga here.
This is wonderful.
Where do y'all hide your niggas here?
That's what I need to know.
I see a couple in the back.
Hi, nigga, nigga, nigga.
How ya doin'? Good to see you.
This is the grown portion of the show.
Where the grown people at? Make some noise.
Where my grown people at? Adults, clap.
Where you at?
Those are my people right there.
We're the people that wake up
and shit hurt for no reason.
They're my people. Where they at?
Right there.
I like y'all because your
bodies ain't shit, either.
The other day, I answered my phone too fast
and pulled a pec muscle.
That's what your body...
"Whaddup, pimp? Hold on, nigga,
"this ain't right.
"I'm gonna need you to text me."
My body fallin' apart.
I'm not gonna lie to you. Nine months ago,
I had kidney stones.
Worst pain in the world.
I don't wish it on my worst enemy.
For those of you that have never had it,
it is worse than child-birth.
This is the worse pain...
See, no matter what city you go to,
there's always a woman, "How do you
know it's worse than child-birth?"
You hear them?
You wanna know how I know it's worse?
Because a rock came out my dick.
Bitch, I won.
The pain is worse. Fuck your baby.
Let me tell you something...
the pain was so bad, I'm going in and out
of consciousness.
Here's what I hate:
The paramedics just go assume
and rush me to the hospital in the hood,
like, "He'll feel safer there."
I'm like, "No.
"I got insurance. I
don't know these niggas."
Let me tell you something.
I don't feel safe with
a doctor, pants sagging.
This motherfucker had gold teeth.
He came over to my bed like,
"Yo, you a'ight?"
I was like, "Hell, no, I ain't all right."
"Motherfucker, I got Obamacare, my man."
"I need to see Dr. McDreamy and the chief."
"And the little mean Asian bitch
"or Dr. House or something, motherfucker."
I don't trust hospitals. You know why?
Because I watch the TV show "House."
And you see, they practice medicine.
It's not an exact science.
They wing that shit.
You ever watch House? It's like, "Dr. House
"there's something wrong with my elbow."
House'll be like, "Cut his dick off."
And I don't trust no doctor
that can cure cancer, but
can't fix his own shit.
This motherfucker just show up every week,
just...
He'll walk right over
to your bed and be like,
"What's your symptoms?"
I'll be like, "Fix your shit first.
"That's what the fuck my symptoms are."
So then my doctors say,
"Hey, man, you're getting a little older.
"We wanna check your prostate."
And I said, "No...
"I'll pray on it."
"You ain't' gotta go in there.
"That's between me and Jesus, you know?"
But then they scare you
with all these statistics.
Like, "in the African-American community,
"prostate cancer numbers are rising."
I was like, "Well..."
So, I called my mother. She said,
"Baby, you smarter than that.
"You let that man check
you just for your health.
"I raised you better than that."
I was like, "Well..."
So, I made an appointment.
Here's what I hate:
After you give them your permission,
they ain't sensitive to your needs no more.
He was all aggressive, like,
"Take your pants off and bend over."
I said, "Hold on, motherfucker.
"This is my first time."
"Can we grind or kiss first or something?
"I ain't easy."
You ever get your prostate
checked, young man?
- How old are you?
- Thirty-one.
Thirty-one.
Nine years from now, somebody
gonna finger-fuck you.
How you feel about that?
It's for your health, motherfucker,
but it's going down. I
want you to know that.
But check this out,
I don't wanna scare you, brother,
but this how it goes down:
First of all, it was me and a man.
We was in a room alone.
It was dark outside, it was raining.
That's how I remember it.
I had my pants at my ankles,
and I bent over a table.
This motherfucker took his rubber glove...
took some lube...
took his finger...
right in my booty hole.
I don't think you motherfuckers heard me.
A man took his finger
right in my booty hole.
First of all, I know me.
There should have been more resistance.
You know what I'm saying?
Now, I'm bent over the
table judging myself, like,
"What the fuck you been doin'
"that his finger just
went right in your ass?
"When he leave the room,
we gonna talk to us."
Then I was more concerned thinking,
what is the doctor back there thinking?
Like, "It went right in,
you know what I mean?"
"He trying to act like... Whatever.
"I could've gotten two fingers.
"He bullshittin'. You know what I mean?"
"Don't ask, don't tell."
And that's why I don't trust hospitals.
All of the medical advances they got
and advances in science,
and the only way you can check my prostate
is with your finger? Come on.
You can't take a iPad and just
brush it up against my ass?
They gotta have a app by now.
You know what I mean? Come on.
Motherfucker, you got Google Earth.
You can see my license
plate from outer space,
but you gotta finger-fuck me?
No, fix that.
I got Obamacare, fix it.
Now, I ain't gonna lie to you, brother.
The first time you go, it's horrific.
Not gonna lie.
You sit there and you
feel all dirty, you know?
He left out of the room, I was like,
"Can I get a glass of water?"
Second time you go,
it ain't that bad, you know what I mean?
Me and the doctor was talking.
I was like, "Whatcha think the
Lakers are gonna do this year?"
"Get in there, motherfucker.
"I got Obamacare."
Back out there dating again.
It's tough dating because I'm damaged.
But I will tell you this,
I don't care what your ethnicity,
if you are a good woman, we can date.
I don't think, like, that you
you gotta be a certain race.
That's dumb.
This is the United States of America.
You should be with whoever
the fuck make you happy.
You know what I mean?
Twenty people clapped.
The rest of you racist motherfuckers, what?
"Take that shit back to L.A., motherfucker.
"We don't do this here
"down by the water and shit."
I'm gonna tell you right now,
one of the sexiest women
I ever dated in my life
was a woman from Iran.
Middle-Eastern women are gorgeous.
Whoo!
Oh, yeah, and it was extra sexy, too,
because I felt like I
was betraying our country.
Every time we fucked,
I'd just whisper military
secrets in her ear, like,
"You know we attack at noon."
She'd be like, "What?"
"Shhh."
"Just tell your father
to get the note to ISIS."
Oh, fuck y'all. Let it go.
Also, I love Latinas.
We got any Latinas in the house?
Oh, I love them.
You just gotta watch them
because they're aggressive.
I was dating this Mexican chick
and she'd suck on my titties
and I don't appreciate that shit.
First of all, I'm going to the gym now.
These is pecs. Don't disrespect me.
She's biting on my nipples all hard.
My nipples are sore for two days.
Got me walking around
like I'm on my period.
Like, just leave me alone.
I don't feel like being with nobody.
I'm gonna read Fifty Shades of Grey
and watch "Scandalous,"
some bullshit like that.
I don't know.
I love white girls, too.
Only thing about white folk is
y'all a little freakier than us.
I was dating this one white girl.
She liked to role-play and experiment
and she tried to bring
the devil in the bedroom.
You know what I'm saying?
And black folk, we don't
fuck with the devil like that.
You know what I mean?
Ask the black dudes in the back.
We don't fuck with the
devil like that, do we?
She says, you know, she was a witch.
I came in the bedroom, she
was already naked, like,
"Neh..."
"Fuck me."
I was like,
"Can I speak to Kimmy?"
She was like, "Kimmy not here."
I was like, "Well, both
you bitches gotta go because
"don't get me wrong, I'm a freak,
"but I love Jesus.
"I ain't going to hell for no pussy.
"He died for my sins,
you just got big titties."
Like I said, I'm single.
I'm looking for a good woman.
Why you all laughing?
I'm trying to find somebody
that's not damaged like me.
You know?
Somebody who a freak.
We got any freaks in the
house? Make some noise.
Any freaks?
Not you.
What the fuck a dude clapping for?
I don't swing that way, brother.
Not that there's anything
wrong with it, but, you know.
I said, "Any freaks?"
and the dude's, "Whoo!"
No, nigga, I don't get on like that.
Anyway, but listen,
I'm a freak, but my
freakism is up here, ladies.
You gotta be able to roll with me because
I'm a freak, freak, freak, freak.
Like, young lady, you ever have somebody
drink some Hennessy out your butt?
No?
Try it tonight!
See, the first time I do it,
you gonna be shocked, like, "Oh, my God.
"What are you doing?"
The second time, you'll be like,
"Pour slow, nigga, pour slow."
Thank you very much, Santa Barbara.
I'm outta here.
Steve Wilson.
Let's hear it for him again.
You know, it would be wrong
if I didn't say, just for a minute,
that we've recently lost one of our
greatest female comics,
probably our greatest female comic ever,
Joan Rivers, who, for decades,
entertained this world.
And let's just give it up for her,
who persevered and gave everything she had.
And the reason I bring that up
is because we've all been inspired
and when I was asked to do the show,
they said, "We want a female comic.
"We need somebody great."
And I couldn't think of anybody because
this girl that I'm gonna
bring on now has been...
She has put twenty years of comedy
into the last five years,
building her career.
She is from South Philly.
I would have to say,
she is the funniest female comic
in the country working today.
Let's give it up for Eleanor Kerrigan.
Take it, Eleanor.
Yeah!
Wow.
Look at this sausage fest right here.
What's up?
It's like the meat-packing
district right there.
A couple of queers in the front.
I love it.
I love queers.
How are you, sir? Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Not a fuckin' thing.
Guys, give it up for Milton Berle.
He's here tonight.
How are you guys? I'm
so excited to be here.
Give it up for Dice, man.
Doing this, this is insane.
I'm very excited. I am very excited.
I'm an East-Coaster. Do
we have any East-Coasters?
Wow.
The loudest fuckers on
the planet, aren't we?
I fuckin' love it.
That's just sayin' "hi," this.
I just came a little
from that, you dirty fuck.
Don't start with me.
I'll come down there, I'll
rape the shit out of you.
I got a 4-inch clitoris.
I will fuck you up, jack.
I'm sorry, did my balls drop out?
He's adorable.
I am an East-Coaster. I love it.
I was just home two weeks ago.
I'm there for five... There is not one
unexpressed thought running
around the East Coast.
They say whatever they feel.
Like, I'm from South Philly.
As soon as I land, this is what I hear,
"I'm gonna put my foot so far up your ass."
I'm like, "Jesus Christ,
Dad, let me get my bag. Shit."
Like, they get right in your face.
Riding to my mother's
house, I'm all excited.
I see my sister Karen, I'm like,
"Yo, Kar, where's Mommy?"
She's like, "She's up my ass.
You wanna tickle her feet?"
"No, bitch, I just wanted
to say 'happy birthday.'
"What kind of party are you guys having?"
They get wild over there.
But now it's weird
because I live in L.A. now.
I moved to L.A.
Do we have any L.A. people? A couple?
Don't get too excited, fuckers.
They got weird shit in L.A.
You gotta admit that.
They got vegans out there.
Do we have any vegans in here?
I'd ask you to raise your hand,
but I'm sure you don't
have the fucking strength.
I'm positive.
Holy shit, have you seen these people?
They're just, "Oh, I feel so healthy."
"I feel terrific.
"All I eat is kale.
"I feel so healthy, I've been peeing
"out of my ass for a month."
Oh, shit, bitch, suck a dick.
Eat a steak, get some protein.
Get some real protein in there, man.
And they have their own
gang, too, in Whole Foods.
Have you seen them?
I thought they were
re-casting that TV show.
"The Walking Dead."
They were all in there
just motoring around.
I saw one lady, I'm like,
"Oh, shit, she's been dead for a month.
"She's gonna get the part easily."
And it's so healthy in there, right?
Makes you feel uncomfortable.
It's healthy, too healthy,
and way too expensive.
I'm not really a health nut.
Like, I work out 'cause I have anger issues
and I may or may not snap his fuckin' neck.
You know what I mean?
That's just how I am, right?
But, like, I'm not healthy.
Like, tonight for dinner,
I had Swedish Fish and a bump of cocaine.
You know what I mean?
'Cause it's a long drive from L.A.
You gotta be fucking wired.
That's how you do it, right?
So, I'm walking around in Whole Foods,
I'm like, "What the hell am I gonna eat?"
I saw they had pizza.
I go, "Oh, I'll get a slice of pizza."
Right? You can't fuck up pizza.
Yeah, you can.
Thirty-eight dollars for a slice of pizza.
I'm from South Philly.
A slice of pizza is $1.50.
A dollar if you let the little Italian guy
finger you behind the counter.
You understand what I'm saying?
And I let him do it.
'Cause that's good pizza.
I'll take his doughy little finger
for a 50-cent discount.
I'll get a yeast infection.
That's good bread.
But 38 dollars?
I'm like, "Oh, my God,
this must be magical pizza.
"Let me try this pizza."
The guy sold it to me, too.
He's like, "Oh, you're gonna love it.
"It's gluten-free,
it's ion-free."
What the fuck is an ion?
"It's lactose-free."
I ate it, it shoulda been free.
It tastes like a foot.
I was like, "What?"
It was like cardboard with, like, ketchup
and, like, a cow pissed on it.
I'm like, "Hey, dude, that's not cheese.
"You gotta rub that cow out the right way.
"Like, really get in there.
"Put your finger in his ass.
"Really help him out."
It was disgusting.
And I'm, like, eating it.
I'm like, "Oh, my God, this is so bad,"
and as I'm eating it, trying
not to throw up on myself,
here comes one of the vegan ladies.
She's like, "Oh, isn't it terrific?"
"Don't you just love it?"
I'm like, "Oh, shit, your
hip just broke. Fuck."
I had to put this bitch
back together in aisle 8.
They have a whole aisle
in there dedicated to
your food allergies.
Who grew up with food allergies, right?
Not unless you had money did
you know you had food allergies.
That's bullshit. Food allergies.
I'm a hood rat.
I got nine brothers and sister. Anybody?
Oh, a couple Mexicans are here. Good.
You Mexicans, man.
My mom had ten kids. That's insane.
Her uterus was like a clown car,
you understand?
I was number 8. I walked out.
I was pulling on the cord, I'm like,
"What do you want me to do with this?"
She's like, "You need to cut
that shit and get a job, bitch."
"We got bills to pay.
"And I'm pregnant again. Hurry
up, get the fuck out of here.
"Get out."
She didn't mess around.
I don't know how she did it with ten kids.
I'll never understand that.
I remember I used to run in the kitchen.
I'd be like, "Hey, Ma,
can I get some Kool-Aid?"
And she'd turn around and go,
"Why don't you stick a broom
up my ass and I'll sweep?"
"Look, lady, I don't know
what the fuck you're into
"late at night,
"but maybe if you would've
swallowed once in a while,
"it wouldn't be so crowded in here."
Right?
She got nervous.
Don't worry, I'm only kidding.
Relax, my mom swallows.
Who do you think taught me, right?
Food allergies?
We didn't have food allergies, man.
If we ate something that made us sick,
we just didn't fuckin' eat that no more.
That was it.
We didn't get, like, a trip to the doctor,
or a shot or a helmet
or whatever these fucking idiots need.
Let me tell you something,
today as a parent,
as a parent,
you could send peanut butter
to school and kill somebody.
What the fuck is that?
Like, what is happening to the world?
Let me tell you, if I sent
peanut butter to school,
not that I'd ever carry
a kid to full-term,
but if I...
A couple whores. Yeah, I like it.
I feel ya.
Seriously, I'm old school.
If I even think I'm pregnant,
I'll throw myself down a flight of steps.
I got a punch-card at Planned Parenthood.
I am not fucking around.
We will get rid of this shit.
But if I sent peanut butter to school
and a fucking little kid died,
you let that fucking kid go.
That's a weak kid.
Right?
We gotta thin the herd, man.
What if we get invaded by another country?
They're not even gonna bring weapons.
They're gonna bring the
Planter's Peanuts guy.
It all stems 'cause you
can't hit kids anymore.
Did you know that? You can't hit kids.
It's fucking illegal.
You knew that?
'Cause your brown. Browns don't
usually know that's illegal.
What kind of brown are you?
You're nice and brown. I like it.
Thank you.
Thank you. Can you answer me?
What the fuck?
You can't hear me? What, are you retarded?
I guess the word is "deaf."
I'm sorry.
What nationality are you?
Mexican, Paco. Yell it out.
What the fuck?
This is your country.
You're a good swimmer and
you have good swimmers.
I gotta be careful.
I'm probably pregnant just
making eye-contact with you,
you little fucker.
Do you have kids? Of course.
You're born with kids, aren't you?
I'll punch a kid in the throat.
I really will.
You have to hit them.
And they know they can
get away with shit, right?
'Cause every kid is born with,
like, an iPhone or an iPad
with an app to download,
"Mommy and Daddy are Hitting
Me, Come Get these Fuckers."
Right?
And that's not fair.
I think they should have to go through
the same shit we went through, right?
Here's what happened:
A couple weeks ago, I'm on the
beach with my brother, right?
We're hanging out, his
eight-year-old daughter
screaming in his face.
Screaming
'cause she knows she can get away with it.
I'm like, "Yo, John, what are you doing?
"Choke that fucking kid out."
I'm not saying kill the kid.
I'm saying let her lose her legs a minute.
You remember that shit?
Right?
Your dad would grab you
by the back of your neck.
You're like, "Oh, fuck,
I can't feel my right leg.
"I think I'm gonna tag out right now
"or not talk back."
Tag out!
Tag out, yeah.
I like this whore. She's into it.
She's like, "Tag out!
I swallow, put it in."
All right.
Ask Paco. He'll put it in.
He don't give a shit.
I do, I do. I fuck for pigment.
I have to.
Look how white I am. That's uncomfortable.
Right?
Like, when I go to the doctor,
they don't even take blood.
They're like, "Bitch, we can see it."
So, I do, I like them dark.
Not too dark. I don't wanna kill my father.
Like, dark enough...
I like older guys, too. I do.
I like them like you, man.
You're awesome. I need your credit.
That's it, stretch it out.
Fuck yeah.
He sat back to show me his old balls.
That's awesome.
I do, I like older guys, man.
I do, I love them.
I always do.
This is the thing.
See, your young, Paco.
You don't know this yet.
When you cum, man, shit still comes out,
right?
Yeah, it's like an unruly garden hose.
That shit just sprays.
Not this fucker.
When the old guys cum,
nothing comes out.
I'm not kidding.
I'm with this guy, right?
I'm doing my thing 'cause
Lent was over and I could get back into it.
So, I'm, like, doing my thing, right?
I thought he came, I felt a breeze.
It was like a "pfff."
I was like, "Oh, shit."
But I didn't feel anything,
I couldn't find anything.
I'm like, "Hey, dude, did you just fart
"out of your dick?"
"Hey, man, I gotta do
a show. What the fuck?"
I was freaking out.
And then, like, two days later,
you're like, "Oh, shit, is that glitter?"
No, that's Old Man
River's balls on my face.
She just threw up in
her mouth a little bit.
It's all right, it tastes the same.
So...
I do, I date all different
kind of guys, too.
I think you should date every kind of guy.
I date an Asian guy. You
ever date an Asian guy?
Do I what?
What the fuck is happening?
Have you ever dated an Asian guy?
Yes, you have. Good for you.
I did, too, because I think
you should try everything, man.
I dated this Asian guy for a little while.
It was my first lesbian experience,
but we had...
Dude, what the fuck happened?
We dropped trou, I was the one swingin'.
That fucked me up.
I though it was Groundhog Day.
I'm looking for a shadow.
This guy was like a mannequin.
He was all smooth in the front.
I was like, "What is happening?"
Plus, it's weird.
If you go down on him,
you get hungry an hour later.
That is a fact.
All right, you guys are fantastic.
Thank you so much.
Give it up for Andrew Dice Clay!
Eleanor Kerrigan. Take a bow, Eleanor.
Hurry up, take a bow.
Andrew is the best!
I know what you're thinkin'.
I ate it.
We got more.
We got right from here, right from L.A.,
the Inland Empire, I found these guys.
Cory and Chad.
Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for
the Smash Brothers.
Ladies, we like to say
the word "bitch" a lot.
So, if you get offended tonight
that we say the word "bitch,"
You're probably a fuckin' bitch.
That's right.
So, fuck you, bitch.
I'm the good twin, girls.
Whatever you're into, I'm into.
Say you're into scrapbooking,
hand me those scissors, I'll cut shit up
all goddamn night for you.
I like to make love.
I take it low and slow.
They call me the "Crockpot of Pussy."
This guy's the bad twin.
Ladies, I like it rough.
You like your hair pulled,
dildo in the ass and punched in the ribs,
holler at your boy. Fuckin' a.
'Cause I can't cum unless I'm
fuckin' choking you, bitch.
Chris Brown taught me that.
Fuck yes.
We like older women.
We like them from 35 years old
to dead.
That's what we like.
Fuck yes.
You young girls from 18 to 34,
you're good to finger-bang,
suck a titty and shit like that.
But you young bitches do not know how
to suck a dick at your age.
Hey, prove us wrong, bitch.
Prove us wrong.
Come on up here. You can have a twin
taste-test challenge like
Coke vs. Pepsi in '91.
That's right.
Find out which one of us drank eggnog
and which one drank
fucking pineapple juice.
But, fellas, older women are where it's at.
Thirty-five and up, you
fuck 'em good enough,
you're leaving with a pack lunch
and a dozen chocolate chip cookies.
Fuck yes.
Hey, we don't make the rules.
Jesus does.
Amen.
We love older women, though.
We were in Vegas last weekend
doing a show.
After the show, we shaved our balls,
we hit the fucking town
You know what I mean?
Fuck yes.
And we're in the club, we spotted these two
45-year-old
cougars.
Now, they said they're 45,
but when the lights came on,
they looked 65.
Fuck it.
But we're in Vegas. Let's do this shit.
- You know what I'm saying?
- Fuck yes.
So, we're dancing,
we're having a good time.
We bought these two bitches
nine shots of Patron, each.
In Las Vegas, that cost
us 975 fucking dollars.
They owe us anal at
this fucking point, okay?
Hey, we don't make the rules.
Jesus does.
Amen.
Now, ladies, you're not gonna like the next
five to seven minutes
of this fucking story.
But you brought this shit upon yourselves.
That's right.
Now, we're dancing,
we're having a good time.
We don't look like it,
but we're some dancing motherfuckers.
We're in the club, suit and tie
suit and tie
We're fucking gettin' it.
You gotta dance.
If you're single and you're in the club,
you better be dancing a unless you got
a pocketful of GHB.
- You better be fucking dancing.
- That's right.
So, we're dancing,
we're having a good time.
Now, we spent a thousand fucking
dollars on these two bitches.
We get them outside the club, I'm like,
"Look, Griselda, Rosario,
listen up, bitch."
Oh, they're Mexican.
Oh, yes, that's how it rolls.
She looks at us and goes,
"Look, guys, we're just gonna be honest.
"We're not having sex with you because
"we both just started our periods today."
Yeah, we love this scenario, boys.
We call this scenario
"Shark Week."
That's right.
Marinate on that for a minute.
Yeah.
Now, ladies,
you're probably in the crowd going,
"This is fucking bullshit.
"Shark Week happens when it happens.
"We can't fucking help it. It's nature."
Ladies, you're right.
If you start your Shark Week
and we're at our house,
we'll go to the garage
and we can get a Sham-Wow
and we can fucking do this.
Fuck yes.
I don't know if you've
seen the commercial or not
for Sham-Wow, folks.
One Sham-Wow can soak up
a gallon of spilled paint in your garage.
That's a shitload of Shark Week.
Right.
And if you're a grown man,
Shark Week's got you at least one time
in your life.
And by "grown man," I mean over 25,
not wearing skinny jeans
like a fucking bitch
is what I mean.
Right.
You can't be tough wearing skinny jeans.
I don't give a shit.
Especially the guys that
are wearing skinny jeans
and they got a muffin top blowing
out of their fucking pants.
That's right.
If you're a grown man, 25 years old,
and you're wearing skinny jeans
and I can see your
dick's going to the right,
you have 50 cents and a
lighter in your left pocket,
you're gonna get a urinary tract infection,
you little bitch. That's what you are.
You better hope you don't go to jail
because guys like me will make you
suck my dick, that's for sure.
And it ain't gay 'cause it's a secret,
so shhh.
Not me.
This is the gay twin.
I'm the fucking straight twin.
We're identical, we don't give a shit.
He's a fag, too. I don't give a shit.
No. One time my brother
got his dick sucked in jail
for a pack of cigarettes and
this guy don't even smoke.
It was Top Ramen Thursday,
I don't give a shit.
Now, if you're a grown man,
Shark Week's got you at least one time.
Right?
You're in bed, you're making love,
giving her the best
14 and three-quarter pumps you got, right?
You know that's right.
The lights were out.
You can't see her and she can't see you.
But all of a sudden,
she gets really wet
and you, you're just like,
"Tsst, tsst."
You're thinking, "Fuck, I bet my balls look
"like two walnuts dipped
in yogurt right now."
Hell yeah.
But you don't know
because you can't see her.
So you thought you made her squirt,
so you check your nuts.
You don't know she started her period,
so you're like, "Fuck it,"
you just wipe your sweat.
You're like, "Fuck it."
You have no idea that your comforter
looks like a "Saw III" movie
at this fucking point.
Right.
For you old school players,
it looks like 1987
Nickelodeon "Double Dare."
The red team won, motherfucker.
That's right.
Now, you have no idea.
Neither one of you know you just pulled
the plug out of the transmission, right?
Right.
You don't know.
You don't know 'cause the lights are out.
You thought you made her squirt
or something hot like that
Right.
You're like, "Fuck, those five free videos
"on YouPorn really are working out."
Fuck yeah.
Now, you're about to cum,
so, like a gentleman, you pull out
and cum on her stomach because
that's what gentlemen do.
Amen.
Now, whenever a man cums on you, ladies,
we always ask you the same question:
Do you want my sock or my boxers
to mop this shit up with?
The shit's running down your ribs,
you're probably getting both.
Right.
Now you don't know.
Neither one of you know.
You just shot your load
and now you're gonna go in the bathroom
and wash your dick up with conditioner,
give it that new car smell, right?
It kind of, like, puts the puppy breath
back into your dog.
Right.
And I tell the girls, "Hey, girl,
"you love puppy breath? Ooh.
"You suck my dick good now,
"you're gonna leave with kennel cough."
I'll tell you that much
right now. Fuck yeah.
So, the lights are out,
you go in the bathroom,
you turn on the faucet,
and you click on the light,
you finally look in the mirror
and see what she fucking did to you.
What she did.
You're washing your hands, you look up,
you're like,
"What the fuck?!"
Your face looks like
Wilson from "Cast Away."
Wilson!
Come back, Wilson!
Wilson!
No!
You don't know what the fuck's going on
at this point.
You're like, "Fuck, am I turned on?
"Am I disgusted?"
You're like, "I kinda look tough.
"I look like Mel Gibson
in 'Braveheart' right now.
"I'll tell you that shit."
"Freedom!"
Hey, we don't make the rules.
Jesus does.
Amen.
And bodily functions, Shark Week
don't scare us, ladies.
Say I got you doggy-style, right?
You let out a little fart
or something like that.
I don't even get nervous.
I'm like, "Let it out, Boo-Boo Bear.
- "Let all that shit out."
- Fuck yeah.
Because, ladies, if you think about it,
when you fart during sex,
our dicks made that fart
happen.
You know what I mean?
Those are some good-ass dicks.
I mean, they're little, but they're good.
- You know what I mean?
- Damn right.
Like, let's all just think
about this for a minute.
Our dicks are so good...
Damn good.
so powerful...
So fuckin' powerful.
that we stuck our dick in one hole
and then pushed air out
of another fuckin' hole.
The more you know.
Like I said, our dicks are good,
but they're little. You
know what I'm saying?
And we tell the girls right from jump,
we're not trying to shortsale anybody.
I'm like, "Hey,
"we got little dicks.
"We're letting you know from jump.
"What we can offer you is rhythm,
"stamina, endurance,
"and two credit cards that work."
Ta-dah!
Fellas, did you notice
anything about that joke?
Every bitch in here, alls they heard was,
"Blah, blah, blah, two
credit cards that work."
Fuckin' bullshit.
And remember, boys, when
you have a little dick,
your moves should always be doggy-style.
Put on your golf cleats, too, so you can
push off the headboard and get a half-inch
deeper into her pussy, too.
That's right.
Remember that shit.
I wear my WWF gold championship belt
and my fuckin' golf cleats
and that's it.
Come to bed because you're about to fuck
- the champ, motherfucker.
- You know that's right.
Put it this way,
when you got a little dick,
if you're fucking her doggy-style,
she's focused northbound.
And she has no idea what's going on
southbound back here.
Nothin'.
That could be your dick
or that could be the remote control
from the fucking TV.
You know what I'm saying?
You don't know.
Not everybody's got a twin brother.
Right?
Ah?
- For Jesus.
- You know that's right.
Oh, it's so good to be dirty
and say whatever the fuck you want, man.
Fuck. I love it.
I will fuck you. I don't
even know what you look like.
So, I don't give a shit.
Yeah.
That means if he's fucking you,
I'm the camera guy.
Fuck yeah.
We only got one question.
Are you allergic to duct tape?
No?
Then we are fucking you.
This is gonna work out.
She's Latina. She'll keep it.
Fuck that shit.
Yeah.
Make sure, boys, when you fuck a Latina,
you be extremely careful.
They're the most fertile
creatures in the jungle.
They are.
I don't know if you know this,
but if you put your horchata
in her piata,
you're gonna have a fucking
kukui in nine months.
I swear to God.
For you white people that didn't know
what we just said,
ask your gardener or babysitter,
these are great Mexican jokes.
Fuckin' a they are.
And Mexicans, I don't know if
you white people know this,
they communicate to one another
simply by whistling.
Oh, they barely talk.
You'll hear them in
the grocery store, like,
"Maria, [whistles]."
White people, look around.
Thirteen Mexicans here know
what the fuck he just said.
Fuckin' a.
You heard of the "Dog Whisperer"?
We're the "Cholo Whisperers," ese.
Simon.
He said, "Maria, hurry
up and do the laundry
"before I hit you."
That's what he just said.
You gotta be careful
hitting a Latina, though.
You can hit a white girl
'cause she's just gonna
cry and call your mom.
Right.
You hit a Mexican, she's gonna wake you up
at 2:30 in the morning with a sharpened up
toothbrush to your fuckin' throat, like,
"Wake up, motherfucker."
"My brother gets out of the
pinta tomorrow, motherfucker."
"Vato locos forever, punto."
"Simon, ese."
You always pull out on a Latina, boys.
Always.
You wear a condom and then put a
Fruit Roll-up on top of that.
Just to be safe.
'Cause if you think you're gonna pull out
and shoot anywhere around her, on her,
or a warning shot over the port side bow,
That's a very, very foolish rookie mistake.
It's like throwing a fucking gallon
of water on a gremlin.
Four babies will shoot out of her pussy
immediately when that shit happens.
And I don't know if you
white people know this.
Every Mexican is born
wearing a Raiders jersey.
I swear to God.
Fuckin' a.
Hey, we don't make the rules.
Jesus does.
Amen.
Now before we go,
we're gonna be standing out
there with Dice and everyone.
We're gonna be looking at all the grown men
in this room.
And if you're wearing
skinny jeans here tonight,
and your jeans are
tighter than your date's,
we're gonna kick you in your boy pussy
right in that fucking ocean
because that's what you are.
We're the Smash Brothers.
Thanks for having us.
Thank you.
Guys, thanks for having us here.
Thank you, guys.
Let's hear it for the Smash Brothers.
Who's stoked?
I wanna keep this show rolling.
This next performer, I gotta say,
to me, this is a long time coming.
He is absolutely my
brother from another mother.
He is the other half of my podcast,
"Rollin' with Dice and Wheels."
Ladies and gentlemen,
Michael Wheels Parise.
Bring him out.
Oh, Jesus fucking...
Whoo!
Fuckin' bloated.
Anybody bloated?
You know what it is? It's the fucking heat.
You fucking swell up. Look at this.
The Chinese food fucks you up.
They put that MSG, and then you swell up.
I'm all fuckin' ballooned out tonight.
I'm normally 140, 145. I fluctuate.
I'll peak, like, 160 during the holidays,
but this is fucked up.
I live out in West Hollywood.
Any West Hollywood people here?
Yeah, a lot of gay people
and I have nothing against gay people.
Very nice, they bend over
backwards for each other,
but you know what it is?
Fat guys aren't gay. We don't bend.
This is about as far as it goes.
What the fuck can you do with that?
I don't even bend for change.
Anything less than 80 cents, fuck it,
I count it first.
25, 30...
Now they have these new ones out.
They're not gay, they're not bisexual,
they're bi-curious.
What the fuck is that?
"Hey, Frankie, listen. I'm not gay,
"but real quick, just stick it in.
"I wanna check this out."
"Yeah, no, I was reading
about it the other day.
"I saw it on a billboard.
"You see that fucking billboard?
"Oh! Ay!"
"No, I didn't like it."
"Thank you, though.
"You're a true fucking friend.
"A little small, but
a true friend, really."
I love living out in California.
All the freeways.
You got a million fucking freeways.
And they all go to Long Beach,
every fucking freeway goes to Long Beach.
East, west, north, south,
you're in fucking Long
Beach no matter how you go.
You ever ask for directions?
I get, like, a panic attack
asking for fucking directions.
I'm like, "Excuse me, how
do you get to Pasadena?"
The guy's like...
"Uh, where you coming from?"
"Right here."
"All right."
"You wanna make a right
and then you wanna go,
"like... keep going.
"You wanna get on the 101.
"Take the 101 to the 110
"to the 184 to the 136 to the 5 to the 405,
"get off,
"get on..."
"to the 10.
"Keep going and going and going
"until you run into a
fucking wall head-on."
"It's gonna say 'Long Beach'
"right there in front of your face."
"No, I said Pasadena."
"Oh, I don't know."
"I don't think you can get there from
"where you're at."
I was out in Mexico a couple of weeks ago.
Anybody go out to Mexico
for the day, just hang out?
You can buy fucking anything.
They'll sell you fucking
anything in Mexico.
There is shit all over the streets
like one big garage sale.
And Mexicans can sell.
I bought a fuckin' toaster.
With no fuckin' cord.
And I knew there was no fucking cord.
And he convinced me.
He's like, "No, no, it's cool, bro.
"It's fucky... it's fucky..."
"It's fucking wireless, bro."
"It's got the bluetooth,
"the fucking bluetooth."
"Fucky...
"iToaster, fucker."
They always take you down the back alley,
down some street.
You don't know what the fuck you're buying.
They never look at you in the eye.
It's like, "Yo, check it out. Check it out.
"Bro, over here. Bro.
"Fucking leather jacket, bro.
"Leather fucking jacket."
"How much?"
"Fuckin' 800 bucks, dude.
"But for you, five dollar, bro."
"That's, like, a 795 dollar savings."
"Oh, fuck yeah, bro.
"Fucking Five Dollar Tuesday, God damn it."
"What kind of leather is it?"
"Fucking five dollars, bro!
"What the fuck you want?!
"Fucking monkey or something. Fuck it.
"Black lab or something."
Then you buy it and take it home
and it wakes up in the car.
It's fucking black lab.
I bought an exhausted fucking dog.
Who knew?
You gotta be happy where
you are in life, man.
Whether you're short,
tall, fat, bald, thin,
be happy, right?
A lot of people are in
denial about themselves.
Fat people don't wanna admit they're fat.
How don't you admit you're fucking fat?
You walk out of your house,
everybody knows you're fat.
You can't hide it.
They try to cover it up.
They wear, like, all black.
"Hey, how do I look?"
"You look fat in black.
That's how you look."
"You look the same as
you do in canary yellow,
"same shit."
They got every excuse.
"Oh, I don't know why I'm fat.
"I don't even eat."
"Really?
"Wow, that's fucked up because
"you're fuckin' fat."
"I mean, imagine if you
ate what you'd look like.
"Holy shit."
"What do you do? You run too much?
"Is that your problem?"
"What, do you sweat the pounds on?
"What the fuck you doing?"
"Well, I retain water."
"No, you retain cake.
That's your fucking problem."
"You're 700 pounds. What, are you Aquaman?
"What kind of fuckin' water do you retain?"
"What, do you retain a lake?"
"Well, I have an eating disorder."
"Yeah, dis order of
cake, dis order of fries,
"dis order of fucking ice cream."
"Try a prune. Take a shit once in a while.
"You're all backed up."
"Your fucking ass is clogged.
"That's your problem.
"A little fruit and fiber in
the morning ain't gonna hurt.
"You know, some fucking steel-cut oats.
"Help yourself."
I'm a little bit different
than most fat guys.
I happen to be extremely
handsome for my width.
You don't see that.
A lot of fat guys are fuckin' ugly.
They got that fucked up face.
Shit, walk into a restaurant,
"Hey, I need a table for five.
"I'm alone. Ha ha.
"I don't want no booth.
"No fuckin' booth."
We fuckin' hate booths.
We gotta squeeze in.
We got one leg in, your
fuckin' ass gotta shuffle.
Fuckin' belly's hanging
on top of the booth.
Every time you breathe, the
other guy's like, "Whoa."
I'm like, "I'm sorry."
I'm trying to date. I was
on this one dating site, man.
I was on fatchat.com.
Anybody been on there?
I don't like regular fat girls,
I like them immobile.
I don't like them walking. That's my thing.
I wanna see them pull up to my house
in a Walmart scooter with that [whirring]
basket full of fucking chips.
I'm talking to this one girl,
she tells me she's 600 pounds.
I'm like, "Fuckin' perfect."
So, I'm typing to her, we're typing.
You know, I'm asking her her name,
"What's your name," all this bullshit.
I'm like, "Oh, what color are your eyes?"
She's like, "Gravy
brown." I'm like, "Nice."
She tells me she's 600 pounds,
I'm like, "Fuckin' perfect."
She goes, "Do you wanna meet?"
I'm like, "Yeah, I'll meet," you know?
I'm like, "What do you weigh?
Can I ask you one more time,
"what do you weigh?"
She goes, "600 pounds." I
go, "Fuck it, let's meet,"
right?
We meet two days later,
800 fucking pounds.
Fuckin' liar! What a line.
Her belly button had an echo.
When she farted,
the Weather Channel talked about it.
I took her home, I was fucking her,
I cut my ass on the ceiling fan.
That ever happen to anybody?
I'm like, "Yeah, pow, pow! Pow, pow!
"Get on the fucking floor!
"Pow! On the fucking floor!"
I mean, how do you lie like that?
You tell me you're
fucking 600, show up 600.
Don't bullshit.
I'm not gonna go out with...
Eight-hundred, that's obese.
Come on.
Then she tells me, "Oh, I'm into bondage."
Wanted me to tie her up.
Yeah, seven fucking hours I'm trying
to tie this girl up.
Fuckin' tying and tying and tying...
I ran out of rope.
I had to use kite string and fuckin' twine.
When I was done, she looked like
a fucking roast beef laying in my bed.
You've been a great crowd. I'm Wheels.
Thank you, everybody.
Michael Wheels Parise.
You're a great crowd, really.
We're gonna keep things moving along.
You know, one of the great things about
hosting this show is in 1988,
Rodney Dangerfield put me
on his HBO special.
And so, it's nice to be the guy
bringing up new people
and I had to find people
from all over the country
that would fit this bill.
And I have my own New York guy right here.
He is definitely the Don
Juan of stand-up comedy.
From New York City, Colin Kane.
Give it up. Colin.
Come on, come on.
Whaddup, Showtime? Make some noise.
Come on, make some noise.
Come on, come on, a little more.
Put it there, guy. Put it there.
Go fuck yourself, go fuck yourself.
Sit down.
Fuckin' Indian right up
front, huh? Holy shit.
Was a server down tonight? Jesus Christ.
You ever go down on a girl, fellas,
and her pussy smells so bad you opt to
eat her ass instead?
If you're not laughing right now,
this is gonna be a long
ten minutes, motherfuckers.
You gotta loosen the fuck up, seriously.
You ever eat a girl's ass
and she's not into it?
If you eat a girl's ass
and she's not into it,
it's gonna get uncomfortable
in the room for a little while.
Some of you ladies wanna
laugh, but you're holding it in.
You know what's gonna
happen when you hold it in?
You know what's gonna happen?
You're gonna get all that air in your pussy
and it's gonna get a
little bloated tonight.
You're gonna bend down to
fuck your husband, you know...
fut, fut, fut, fut...
Fut, fut, fut.
"What was that?"
"I think the comforter got
caught underneath the bed."
"No, I think your pussy
looked at me and said,
'Hey, fut, fut, fut.'"
You gotta do dirty shit.
Ladies, guys respect girls who
disrespect themselves in the bedroom.
You gotta do dirty shit,
you gotta talk dirty.
When you talk dirty,
you gotta change it up.
You gotta say dirty shit.
A lot of you... Shut up.
A lot of you white girls...
A lot of you white
girls say the same thing.
You'll be like, "I wanna taste you."
You gotta, like, change it up.
Just look at your man tonight and say,
"Baby, storm my shit cave."
Whoo!
And we all... Guys, we all,
every single guy in here,
we have a feeler question when
we're hooking up with a chick
'cause you don't wanna be too weird.
You have a feeler question, you know?
You'll be having sex and be like,
"Yeah, you fuckin' like that?
"You fuckin' like that?"
I said that to a girl one time.
I said, "Do you fuckin' like that?"
She looks at me and says,
"Pound my pussy, faggot."
I didn't know what to do.
I was like, "Um, I'm
gonna key your car, bitch."
I love you, ladies. All
you ladies are beautiful.
But you ladies know... Listen, ladies,
I'm gonna ask you a serious question.
You ever sit at work,
just sitting there
and you can actually smell
your pussy through your pants?
And then, some of you ladies
do the little fucking sniff test.
You'll sit there, you'll sit there
and do the sniff test.
Shh. Don't fuckin'... Shut the fuck up.
You ladies do this shit.
You'll stick your finger down there,
do the ol' sniff test
and then pull it out and be like,
"Does the fax machine work?
"Is the fax machine working?"
I went down on this girl one time.
Honestly, her pussy smelled so bad,
halfway through, I got up in the middle
and took a shit on the floor
to neutralize the smell.
And if you're not laughing right now,
we know why, ladies.
We know why.
You got a little garbage juice down there.
Ahh!
I like having sex with Asian girls.
Where my Asian girls at?
You in the room tonight?
No?
Where are you, selling
baby turtles on eBay?
Where are you people?
Asian right up front
like your whole fucking life in school.
Asian girls are so quiet in bed.
You ever have sex with an Asian girl?
It feels like you're fuckin' a Prius,
an electric car.
You ever see an Asian girl when she cums?
Looks like a white dude right before
he's about to sneeze.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Look at the white people.
You don't wanna laugh.
Fuckin' lighten up, assholes.
That black dude yelled
at you for 20 minutes.
You fuckin' laughed.
I love black people. Any
black girls here tonight?
No? Okay.
I wanna be with the real black girl.
I see a black girl right there.
Don't hide, baby. I see you right there.
I wanna be with a real black girl,
works at CVS, angry as fuck.
That's what I'm talking about.
If you're not laughing right now,
honestly, get up, go home.
Just fuckin' leave right now.
Black girl's staring at me like this,
"Hmmm."
You been with a white guy, black girl?
Be honest. You been with a white guy?
Don't be shy, baby.
Been with a white guy?
Be honest.
First time a black girl has nothing to say.
You hear that shit?
Smile, baby, I love you. I love you.
I love you, baby.
This is the best sound when you're getting
a blow job right here.
The best sound ever.
Ready?
Best sound ever.
A good blow job should sound like
every conversation at a bar mitzvah.
And if you're a girl and
you're not laughing right now,
you got a hairy asshole.
Go wait in the car, bitch.
Laugh a little, ladies.
Laugh.
You ladies gotta take it in the ass.
I know it hurts,
but it's gonna hurt a lot more
when we leave you for not letting us do it.
You gotta do dirty stuff. You gotta.
And, fellas, too, man, I gotta say this,
fellas, you ever just sit in bed
you're, like, depressed, and you're like,
"I'm just gonna jerk off
'cause I feel depressed,"
then you jerk your dick and
even your cum's depressed.
It just bubbles out like [bubbling sound].
You ever look at porn, like,
20 windows deep, fellas?
Twenty windows deep?
And sometimes, you cum on yourself
and you're too lazy to get up,
so you let it roll down your ribcage
and you just sit there.
Don't you dare make me
feel uncomfortable tonight.
You guys totally do this.
Don't you dare.
You're just sitting there
letting it roll down you.
You gotta, like, turn your body this way,
turn your body that way.
It's like that game as a
kid with the metal ball.
You just gotta get it home.
You know what I'm talking about.
The lady up front's dying.
I love you, baby.
Yes, I love you.
Give me your hand, touch it.
Touch it, touch it. Touch it!
See, you're the best
type of girl right there.
See, you're fuckin' laughing and shit.
There's some fat girls in the back
probably spotting.
You gotta laugh at yourself.
This fat girl came up to me
after my show, true story.
She came up to me after the show
and she goes, "Those jokes hurt."
I go,
"So did my legs on the way to Vegas
"when I couldn't put my seat back."
I'm not leaving. I'm staying
here all night, motherfuckers.
By the way, Dice is fuckin' the man.
Another round for Dice
because he's the fuckin' man.
Listen, I make fun of everybody
and I talk about sex sometimes,
but I'm not that good in bed
and everyone's been in this situation.
You ever been with a girl and she's like,
"Fuck me harder," and you're like,
"All right," boom, hit it a little harder?
She's like, "Harder," and you're like,
"This is all I got."
"Bitch, this is all I got."
Just trying really, really hard.
Now listen, I had a girl one time...
this is a true story...
I had a girl one time stick a finger
in my ass during a blow job.
Now, some of you guys are like,
"Fucking faggot."
Well, this fuckin' faggot loved it.
Now, she didn't tell me she was gonna
stick a finger in my ass.
It just kinda happened.
She put it in there.
Put it this way, when she took it out,
it looked like we just
finished Tough Mudder.
The only way I can describe
what it looked like:
You ever buy, like, a
tub of chocolate protein,
you can't find the
scoop for a little while?
You gotta search for it?
Some of you guys know what's up.
Don't you dare make me feel uncomfortable.
Stuck it right in there.
And the only way I can
describe what it felt like:
Picture someone breaking in your house.
Then you go downstairs
thinking you're gonna die
and it's a hot chick with,
like, oatmeal cookies, like
"You want some?"
If I made you forget
about your problems tonight
for a little while, then I did my job.
I'm grateful to be here.
Keep laughing, everybody.
Keep laughing. Thank you.
Colin Kane.
I just can't believe
that I look at fat girls
and you get insulted at yourselves.
What is wrong with you?
The beefier, the better.
I mean, that's how I like them.
You know, I don't know about you,
but I get them off of Jenny Craig's list.
They're unbelievable.
And I'll tell you the truth.
I don't care how big a chick is.
After a while, they're all the same.
"Eat my pussy."
"Eat your pussy?
"You're 500 pounds.
"That's all you keep in the house?"
"What do you mean, eat your pussy?"
And no matter how you
prepare you box today,
no matter what you spray
on it to disinfect it,
Lysol, D40,
Off...
by the time we get there,
it smells like a foot
that's been in a shoe for 12 hours.
"Eat my fuckin' pussy."
And today, Joey,
they shave it down to street-level.
It's like going down on cactus,
I'm telling ya.
Remember when you could
come up with enough hair
in your mouth to make a bird's nest?
I would go to the dentist for a cleaning,
they'd have to comb it,
trim it down with a
special fuckin' Norelco.
Real pussy hair.
The type you're flossing
with three days later.
Comin' to the stage,
from Canada,
the terminator of comedy
from what I could see.
He's been acquitted of all charges.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Jason Rouse.
What the fuck's going on?!
How the fuck are you?
It's not even a comedy show anymore.
It's more of a hostage situation in here.
I look at the smile on your face, sir.
You're just happy I'm
not your son, aren't ya?
I don't know if you
can tell from my accent,
but I'm white.
Didn't always used to look like this.
Before I moved to Hollywood,
I was a twelve-year-old
girl with a dream.
My pussy looks terrible.
I got a clit that looks
like a carpenter's thumb.
All right, you folks better get into this
because at the end of the show,
I put my fist up my ass and sing
"I'm a Little Teapot."
So,
you're gonna get wet, Jebediah.
I don't know if you're smiling, sir,
or you're having a stroke.
You can look away, sir,
but the bad man's still here.
Good thing about you,
if I fuck you up the ass,
you're not gonna remember shit.
I guess what I'm trying to say is
I need a place to stay tonight.
A lot of beautiful women here tonight.
Give a round of applause for all the hot
pussy.
Oh, man, I love vaginas.
They're like old men with beards.
They've got stories and
bad breath, don't they?
"Our fore fathers, hehehe."
Sir, they can't talk now.
Blonde, blue-eyed girls in here.
Love that.
I lived in Stockholm for three years.
A lot of girls like you,
except they're, like, really pretty.
I'm... serious.
The truth is,
I haven't see a vagina in so long,
I've been jacking off to my own ass
in the mirror.
Yeah, I put lipstick on it
so it's not so gay.
Every morning in the mirror,
"Ooh, I didn't see you come in. Hahahaha."
Buh-lah.
That's the sound it makes when I cum.
I'm 42. Buh-lah.
In my twenties, I had a cum shot that had
accuracy and distance.
I could hit a girl's face
from ten feet and make it
look like a dreamcatcher.
Now when I cum,
it looks like I popped a zit on my cock.
It sucks getting older.
My nutsack looks like
chicken skin and cherry tomatoes.
I don't think I can get a girl pregnant,
but I can give you Salmonella,
I'll tell you that.
My balls drop any more,
I'll be able to put them
in my mouth when I jack off.
And check my pulse.
I guess what I'm trying to say is
I always wanted kids, you know?
But I could never catch them.
It's hard to run in those big clown shoes
with an erection.
Don't worry, there's
going to be a therapist
to talk to you after the show.
I'll be at the door with
a little teddy bear going,
"Show me where the comedian touched you.
"Show me on the teddy bear.
"Ahahahaha!
"Look at me! Look at me!"
You got your hand over your vagina
like I'm gonna steal it.
I'm Canadian. I've
already got a winter hat.
You're going to jail.
I'm going to jail? Good.
Then I'll get fucked for a change.
And if I go to jail,
you can give your asshole a night off.
That's where she likes it.
It's the only way she can feel it now.
I used to fuck her so hard,
she used to push her
uterus back in with a ruler.
"No kissing!"
Uh, any questions?
This room is very divided.
There's some people laughing
and other people are going,
"The police should have been here by now."
Instead of going after older women now...
I like older women, they got experience,
their own money, arthritis.
The kind of girl when you
push her legs behind her head,
you know they're gonna stay there.
"Ah, now the diaper."
Something in the air tonight
When she wakes up, you tell her she fell.
"Is that true, Henry?"
"Ha, ha, ha. You'll forget."
'Cause when you have Alzheimer's disease,
every time's the first time, isn't it?
Ever have your fist in old lady's pussy?
It feels like you're mixing paint,
just [sloshing sound].
Uh, airplane food is weird, huh?
What the fuck do you people want?
Thank you.
Actually, I was getting a
blow job the other night.
She asked me to warn
her when I was gonna cum,
so I farted.
What more of a warning do you bitches need?
You hear that funny noise,
get the fuck out of Dodge.
She's all like, "Blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah,"
and I'm like, "I don't pay you to talk."
"Ah!
Family, though.
What are ya gonna do?
I know there's some guys that frown upon
guys who go down on girls on their period,
but I prefer it.
No, it's not what you think.
My last relationship,
we used to fight a lot,
so I liked to pretend
that I was killing her.
You know...
"Ah! There is no God!"
I go to the door, Jehovah's Witnesses
are standing there, I'm covered in blood.
"Ah! A ha ha!"
"Just kidding, it's pussy. Mmmm, mmmmm."
"Look at me!"
Just trying to make this Christmas
a white one.
This is the part of the show
where I come to the audience
and I rape somebody.
Look at all the girls,
"Did I remember to bring pepper spray?"
It doesn't work on me, I'm used to it.
And I stay hard and I finish.
All right, now it's time for me to get into
my comedy routine.
I love it.
These first two rows are looking at me
like the Church of Latter Day Saints.
What, you guys think
you came to see "Cats"?
"We went to the theater
and we saw the devil."
"He's from Canada."
Shoot me, I don't give a fuck.
I got healthcare.
Bon jour!
Uh, I gotta leave now because
the police are here.
That's right.
Uh, before I go, if you see
me outside after the show,
please don't hit my face.
I've got a job interview
at a school tomorrow.
Guidance counselor.
Jason Rouse.
Let's hear it for him.
I gotta say,
you have been an incredible audience.
We've had a great time performing
for you tonight and I'd like
to bring out all the performers.
Erik Myers, come on out, take a bow.
Michael Wheels Parise.
Steve Wilson.
Eleanor Kerrigan.
Colin Kane.
Jason Rouse.
And the Smash Brothers, come on out.
Let's take a bow.
You have been phenomenal.
Thank you and good night.
Take a bow, everybody.
Thank you very much.
Andrew, you're the man!