Andrew Schulz: Life (2025) Movie Script
1
[audience laughing]
This is my favorite New York joke.
Y'all wanna hear it?
[audience] Yeah!
-[cheering and applause]
-[Andrew] All right, cool.
Love you.
I love you too.
Nobody's more proud of their city than us.
That's what I thought my whole life,
and then I went to Chicago.
[audience laughs]
Now, Chicago is a very wild
But they're proud of shit
they really should not be proud of.
[audience laughs]
They're proud of the tragedies
that have happened in their city.
They named their soccer team
the Chicago Fire.
[audience laughing]
New Yorkers, we love New York.
We're not namin' a football team
[audience laughing]
the New York Nine-Elevens?
[audience laughs]
We call 'em the Jets. Guys
[audience laughing]
[cheering and applause]
We don't name it after.
We name it before. Okay?
Take that, Chicago.
It's called confidence.
[audience laughs]
Or knowledge of an inside job,
but I don't wanna get too political.
-[audience laughing]
-[funky music playing]
Ooh
Like a person needs his soul
Like the winter needs the cold
Ooh, I need you
[crowd cheering]
Like the fire needs the air
I won't burn unless you're there
And now, give it up for my son,
Andrew Schulz!
America got a thing
For this gangster shit
They love me
Black Chukkas, black skully
Leather Pelle Pelle
I tag SPIT over Ramo's shit
I'm a vandal
Got that silver duct tape
On my trey eight handle
I want the finer things in my life
New York City!
[music fades]
Make some fucking noise!
[audience cheers loudly]
Ay!
[cheering and applause continues]
New York, a lot has changed
in my life recently. I just had a baby.
-[cheering and applause]
-That's pretty cool. Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. My wife had the baby.
I wanna clarify that.
[audience laughs]
I actually hate it when men take credit
for what women go through in childbirth.
[women cheer]
Know what I'm talking about?
These fucking new-age dudes out here,
"We're pregnant."
[audience laughs]
"We had a baby."
It's like, "Shut the fuck up."
You did nothing. You're being insulting."
It's like when my wife says,
"We made a lot of money."
-Uh
-[audience laughing]
[applause]
-"Oh, did we do that, babe? Is that"
-[audience laughs]
I feel like I'm the one
in labor here, you know?
There's no epidural for hard work,
I'll tell you that much.
[audience laughing]
I'm fuckin' around, moms.
We got some moms here?
-[women cheer]
-That's what I'm talkin' about.
Labor is the wildest thing
I've ever witnessed in my entire life.
I wish I read them books and pamphlets
the fuckin' doctor gave me,
I'll tell you that much.
When your wife first gets pregnant,
you have to go get a baby-specific doctor
called an OB-GYN, right?
I didn't know what the fuck that was.
I thought it was more gay letters.
-[audience laughing]
-My wife's like, "We need an OB-GYN."
I was like, "Why do we need
a fuckin' gay guy to deliver the baby?"
"What do they know about this?
It's not their jurisdiction at all."
[audience laughing]
I don't want some gay doctor
to open my wife's legs,
like [camply] "Ew, yucky. Vagina."
"Gross!"
"I want to look at something hot,
like a butt full o' shit, you know?"
[audience laughing]
Anyway, I didn't read
the books and pamphlets,
so I got no clue what the fuck to expect.
My wife's water broke. I'm hyped.
I got the Nintendo Switch charged up.
I got
I got an extension cord just in case
the outlet's far from the couch.
[audience laughs]
We get to the hospital.
The security guards are dappin' me up.
"Schulz, you're about to be a dad."
"I'm about to beat Mario Kart. Don't know
what the fuck you talking about."
[audience laughs]
We get up to the room.
Labor begins. The surprises begin.
Here's something
that you should know. I wish I knew.
Every two hours during labor,
the doctor's gonna walk in the room,
finger your wife right in front of you.
[audience laughing]
That's a pretty important
piece of information, right?
It's probably at the top
of the books and pamphlets, by the way.
Be nice if the security guards told me
instead of dapping me up downstairs.
[audience laughing]
"Your wife's gonna be a sock puppet
for the next 24 hours,
so get ready for this fuckin'
Illuminati humiliation ritual
you just signed up for!"
[audience laughing]
"Choose your OB-GYN wisely."
[audience laughing]
"Don't choose some 6'6'' Viking
with a baseball mitt as a hand."
[audience laughing]
"Your wife's not even dilating.
He's scooping it out, Baskin-Robbins."
[audience laughing]
Thank God we had
this little Filipina doctor.
-Thank God.
-[audience laughs]
Thank God. She looked like the chick
that made the outfits for The Incredibles.
[audience laughing]
She had the smallest little hand
They might have been chopsticks.
They were so tiny.
[audience laughing]
Bro, I remember, she, like
she, like, floated into the room.
[audience laughing]
Walked right up to my wife,
opened her legs, fingers her.
Yells out a number. "Four!"
[audience laughs]
I stopped jerking off.
I'm like, "Hold on, hold on."
[audience laughing]
"What the fuck you mean four, bitch?
That's a ten!"
"Babe, do that squeezy shit you do."
"Lock it up. Do the fucking
Take the air out the room!"
[audience laughing]
Four I know fours.
I've been to Staten Island.
-I know what the fuck a four looks like.
-[audience laughing]
[cheering and applause]
I'm fucking around.
Shout out to Staten Island, man.
[audience cheers]
Let's fucking go.
Craziest New Yorkers, fact.
[audience laughs]
The most passionate, the most wild.
If anybody ever tries to invade New York,
Staten Island gonna handle that.
[audience laughs]
There's a scientific reason why people
from Staten Island are the way they are,
but we'll get to that shit later. Uh
Anyway, 24 hours
of this little fingering festival
[audience laughs]
I'm sitting through, right?
Twenty-four hours in,
the baby's heart rate drops.
They gotta do
an emergency C-section, right?
Doctor comes up to me.
Like, "We have to do a C-section."
"You've read the books.
You know what to expect."
And I'm like, "Yeah. Yeah. Uh"
They wheel my wife to another room.
I go with them, right?
I'm fucking delirious.
My thumbs are sore from Mario Kart.
Like, I haven't slept in 24 hours.
The hospital's Rainbow Road.
I got no fucking clue what's going on.
[audience laughs]
The doctor takes me
to a little room inside that room
and hands me
the doctor's outfit, the scrubs.
She goes, "Put this on."
I go, "For what?"
[audience laughs]
"Do I need to carve the pumpkin?"
[audience laughs]
I'm like, "What kind
of janky-ass insurance do I have
that I gotta perform
the fucking C-section?"
I'm googling on the low, "dad C-section."
[audience laughing]
It's just tranny porn
showing up on my phone.
[audience laughing]
"Who the fuck stole my phone
and looked up all this
awesome shit?" You know?
[audience laughing]
I follow the doctor. We go into the room.
My wife's laying on this bed.
There's a curtain hanging from the ceiling
right below her tits, okay?
Doctor goes, "Go up there with the tits."
I'm like, "Obviously, uh"
[audience laughing]
I'm not going with the chainsaw massacre.
I'm going up with the knock-knocks.
I protect the tits. I guard the tits.
[audience laughs]
My wife's passed out. I'm just, "Aah."
[audience and Andrew laugh]
You gotta keep the ducts open, right?
That baby gotta feed.
You don't want the titty milk
to glaze them over.
So I got them coin purse. I'm blowin'
into 'em like a Snapple bottle.
[blows]
[audience laughing]
Doctor starts carving up my wife.
Takes out the baby. We hear the baby cry.
Can't see the baby 'cause of the curtain.
My wife goes, "Go look at the baby."
I go around the curtain. I see the baby.
[audience laughs]
Now I don't know if any of y'all
have ever seen a brand-new baby?
[audience laughing]
You know how frogs start as tadpoles?
[audience laughing]
Babies start as Puerto Rican.
Did you guys know that?
[audience laughing]
Every baby starts as Puerto Rican.
This was the most Puerto Rican-looking
baby I've ever seen in my life.
It had a Yankee fitted.
It had a keychain with a frog on it.
[audience laughs]
It was driving a Toyota RAV4
with a 4.7 Uber rating.
It wasn't even "goo-goo ga-ga."
It was like [trills tongue]
-It had too much rhythm to be mine.
-[audience laughs]
I go right up to the doctor. I'm like,
"Yo. Why is the baby Puerto Rican?"
[audience laughs]
The doctor looks at me, and she goes,
"We just need to heat it up."
[audience laughs]
They take my Puerto Rican baby.
[audience laughs]
They put it under the taquitos lamp
from 7-Eleven.
[audience laughing]
No bullshit.
The finest medical institutions,
United States of America,
will turn your Puerto Rican baby white
with a taquitos lamp from 7-Eleven.
I watched them barbecue the boricua
right out of my baby.
[audience laughs]
My baby changed colors like a mood ring,
and let me tell you something.
My mood, way better. Oh my God!
The second the baby turned white,
I was, "They will not replace us."
I regret saying that out loud.
[audience laughing]
Gave us this beautiful little baby, man.
We had a little girl.
It's pretty cool.
We got some girl dads in here?
-[cheering and applause]
-Girl dad?
That's what the fuck
I'm talking about, my boy.
That shit is stressful, huh?
[audience laughs]
I understand every gender-reveal video,
the look on the dad's face
when the smoke is pink.
[audience laughs]
When the smoke is blue,
they start doing football shit.
They're like [grunting]
[audience laughs]
The smoke is pink, they just stare off
in the distance, right?
[audience laughing]
Like they got
their rejection letter from Hogwarts.
[audience laughing]
And it's not because we're upset
we're having a daughter, okay?
That has nothing to do with it.
We're so happy we're having a daughter.
We love it.
It's just we know when you're a girl dad,
anything that happens to that girl,
it's your fault. It's immediate pressure.
I have a screenshot
of the moment I found out
that I was gonna have a daughter.
If you want to see stress,
if you want to see pressure
Put that shit up.
That's
-[audience laughing]
-[scattered applause]
Look at me holding the sheets, man.
You shouldn't hold sheets like that.
[audience laughing]
This is the pressure of knowing
no matter what happens to your daughter,
it's Dad's fault.
When you're a girl dad, no matter
what happens to them, it's our fault.
Okay? I miss one volleyball game,
she starts an OnlyFans.
-It's my fault for some fucking reason.
-[audience laughing]
She's out there sucking dick,
it's daddy issue.
It's dad I don't even suck dick.
That's the mom's side of the family.
[audience laughing]
These moms are putting
their dick-sucking DNA
in our innocent little daughters,
and we're getting blamed for it.
I know for a fact there's no
dick-sucking DNA left in my wife.
That's a guarantee.
[audience laughing]
That shit came out
with the placenta or something.
My wife gives me head
like my dick made out of cilantro.
[audience laughing]
Put that picture away.
I can't I'm getting PTSD just
No, girl dad is just tough.
It's beautiful. It's awesome.
We love them, obviously,
but it's just stressful upfront.
Boy dad is easy.
Who got boys here? Anybody?
-[audience cheering]
-We got boys. We got boys.
The fuck I'm talking about, man.
That shit is easy, right?
'Cause you could not love your son
and he'll be greater.
[audience laughing]
We don't like to admit it, but that is
the key to having a successful male.
Just remove the dad completely.
[audience laughing]
It's guaranteed success. It never fails.
LeBron James, Jeff Bezos, Jesus.
None of them had their dads
in their lives. Coincidence?
You get Pop out of the way,
miracles start happening.
If Jesus's dad was in his life,
he would be a carpenter. Facts.
-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]
He would be Jess. [laughs]
[audience laughing]
He wouldn't be on the cross.
He'd be building them motherfuckers.
[Latin American accent] "Hey, it's strong.
You can hang anything from here."
[audience laughing]
"This is walnut.
Look at this. It's walnut."
[audience laughing]
[normal voice] Just easier up top.
I'm sure it's got its stresses.
You circumcise your son?
-[audience laughs]
-You did circumcise him.
That's what the fuck
I'm talking about, bro.
For religious reasons or American reasons?
-My wife's reason.
-Your wife's reason. Are you circumcised?
No?
So your wife was like, "I'm not letting
anybody put up with this shit."
[audience and Andrew laughing]
"Not gonna have my kid's dick
look like E.T. in a bike basket."
"Circumcise that thing!"
Anyway, that's a brave decision.
A lot of people feel peer pressure.
'Cause in America,
everybody here gets circumcised.
-Um
-[man] No!
All right, bro.
[audience laughing]
Prove it!
[audience laughing]
Pull that shit out!
Pull that shit out!
If I don't see the sand worm from Dune,
I don't believe it.
[audience laughing]
[applause]
What I'm trying to say is
outside of America,
it's only religious people
that get circumcised.
Obviously, Jews do it. Jews invented it.
Uh, Abraham, he was like, "Yo,
this is a covenant between you and God."
"This is how God knows you're down."
[audience laughs]
"If you wanna be part of the tribe,
I'ma need that."
[audience laughing]
His words, not mine.
[audience laughing]
Okay? Now, to be fair,
I don't think he was opening with this.
I think he was like, "Yo, everybody
gets a hat. Fridays off. It's fire."
-You know?
-[audience laughing]
Then two weeks later,
he's like, "I need calamari."
You're like, "The fuck is this guy
talking about calamari all of a sudden?"
[audience laughing]
So Jews gotta do it. Jews gotta do it. Uh
Christians don't have to. Jesus came.
He was like, "Yo, Abe was wildin'."
[audience laughing]
"My man like the end of baby dicks.
It's weird."
"Spoke to Pops.
We don't need to do it anymore."
Then Muslims come around, bring it back.
Throwback jersey, vintage.
[audience laughing]
We got Muslims here tonight?
[audience cheers]
All right, so you guys know why you do it.
Non-Muslims usually don't.
But the reason why Muslims circumcise
is 'cause Muslims are always
trying to out-Jew the Jews.
-[audience laughing]
-This is a sibling rivalry as old as time.
"How many times a day do they pray?
We'll pray five times a day."
-"Fuck it Let's go."
-[audience laughing]
"How many days do they not eat?
We won't eat for the whole month."
[audience laughing]
"They just circumcise the boys?"
[stammers]
[audience laughing]
Anyway, so most Americans do it
for no reason, okay?
And the funny shit is, like,
all of our parents do it to us,
and they never tell us they did it.
They don't tell us
our dicks are different.
So we find out in the wild.
-[audience laughing]
-Like, you'll just be at the gym.
You see some Serbian guy washing off,
and you're like, "Yo, yo, what the fuck?"
[audience laughing]
"The fuck is wrong with Dragel's dick?
Bro, you seeing this shit?"
"He got a pussy
at the end of his dick, bro!"
[audience laughing]
"Dragel got an outie vagina.
This is crazy!"
"Dragel, stop holding your nose closed
when you sneeze."
"You gettin' sleeved up down there."
[audience laughing]
No bullshit. I remember the moment
I found out about uncircumcised dicks.
I remember I was watching a porno,
and the dude was not circumcised,
but it wasn't in the title.
Illegal. That shit should be illegal.
[audience laughing]
I remember the girl grabbed the meat.
The meat looked halal.
It You know what I mean? Like
The shawarma was shaved, right?
Looked circumcised.
Coast is clear. I start jerking off.
[audience laughing]
All of a sudden, she grabbed the dick.
Yanked it up.
Head gone.
[audience laughing]
I dropped my dick.
I said, "What type of sorcery is this?"
I'm not jerking off
to no Sleepy Hollow Headless Horseman
Henry VIII fucking nonsense.
[audience laughing]
Yo, she jerked the dick back down.
Groundhog Day, out of nowhere.
[audience laughing]
I heard the dick come up for air.
[gasps for air]
[audience laughing]
It took a breath.
[high-pitched inhale]
I was so upset, I left a comment, bro.
I was one of them.
-[audience laughing]
-I was one of them.
My username. Not even a fake one.
-"Take your job seriously."
-[audience laughing]
"This girl bleached her asshole.
You showing up to work in a hoodie."
-"How dare you?"
-[audience laughing]
This is how arrogant we are.
[chuckles]
We call people who are not circumcised
"uncircumcised."
We made up a word for them
that doesn't need to exist.
[audience laughs]
We have all the words.
It's "circumcised" and "dick."
[audience laughing]
We don't call people "un-gay."
[audience laughing]
It's just "gay" and "going to heaven."
There's two very different
[audience laughing]
-I don't make up the rules, guys.
-[audience laughs]
Take that up with the Jews.
[audience laughing]
Old Testament, guys.
It's Old Testament, okay?
[audience laughing]
[groans]
Man.
It's hard to get pregnant.
I had no fucking clue.
Let me tell you guys this right now,
everybody in this room. It is hard.
Uh, everybody lied to you your whole life
about "practice safe sex."
-It's safe.
-[audience laughing]
If you on a date
and you don't have a condom, leave it in.
Nothing's gonna happen.
[audience laughing]
"Oh, what about the pre-cum?"
Pre, regular season, the playoffs,
leave it in.
[audience laughing]
Okay? As long as Spanish
is not her first language,
you got nothing to worry about.
Listen.
[Latin American accent] If she speaking
Spanish, this is a problem.
[audience laughing]
[normal voice]
Spanish pussy turns your sperm
into the red shell from Mario Kart.
That's a guaranteed hit.
[audience laughing]
You jerk off into a napkin.
Voo-voo-voo-voo-voo!
"Ay, dios mo. Twins."
That happens all the time.
[audience laughing]
I spent so many years terrified of getting
a woman pregnant for no fucking reason.
I was afraid of getting a woman pregnant
since I was 12 years old.
From when I first started jerking off,
I was terrified.
To the point where I would jerk off,
and then afterwards,
wipe the toilet seat with Windex.
[audience laughs]
Flush, wait 60 seconds,
and then flush again.
'Cause I was terrified
my mom would go take a shit
[audience laughing]
and nine months later,
I'd have a retarded son-brother.
[audience laughing]
My mom drops a deuce.
Kerplunk, one sperm Free Willys up.
[audience laughing]
Now I'm buying helmets for 18 years
'cause I didn't double flush.
How foolish was I?
[audience laughing]
Now, women are way more aware
of the fragility of fertility, okay?
My wife, it's always been her dream
to be a mother.
She actually came to me
before we were gonna start trying,
and she was like, "Hey, what if
for some reason we can't get pregnant?"
And I was like,
"Are you fucking challenging me?"
"What the fuck you mean?
I can get you pregnant right now."
"I just gotta clench my cheeks when I nut.
I don't do that."
[audience laughing]
"I don't want to blast a hole
through the top of your skull, okay?"
[audience laughing]
"Do you wanna breathe
outta the top of your head
because I finished the deadlift
when I nutted? Is that what you want?"
"A unicorn horn is gonna grow out
the top of your head
if I just finish the deadlift."
[audience laughing]
I was so offended she even suggested it.
I remember the first time
we had sex to try to have a baby,
I nutted, I looked her right in the eyes,
and I said, "Got 'em!" [chuckles]
[audience laughing]
Pulled out like Steph Curry. I was like
[audience laughing]
Six months went by. No baby.
[audience laughs]
My wife is freaking out.
She's terrified it's her fault.
I'm freaking out.
I'm terrified it's her fault.
[audience laughing]
Can't be my fault.
I already tested my sperm.
I went like that, it stayed together.
That's how
[audience laughing]
Listen, ladies. This is how
men scientifically test our sperm.
Whenever it's on our fingers, we just go
[laughing]
And if the rope don't break,
we got Nick Cannon right there.
-That 90 degrees.
-[audience laughing]
Mm-hmm. One time,
I went pointer finger to pointer finger.
I stretched it out this far.
Two Black girls started playing
Double Dutch out of nowhere.
[audience laughing]
My wife comes up to me, she goes,
"Hey, I wanna get my ovaries tested."
"Would you get your sperm tested
out of support for me?"
I said, "Absolutely."
"Anything to make this process
easier for you."
"Even though it's a waste
of time and money for me, I will do that."
Obviously, I got the Elmer's, okay?
I got the sticky-icky.
[audience laughs]
You need me to hang a painting
or a refrigerator, you let me know.
And I'll Peter Parker,
put it wherever the fuck you want.
[audience laughing]
When you're a dude,
you gotta get your sperm tested.
You gotta go to the hospital,
you gotta jerk off into a cup,
which I now know
is a deeply humbling experience.
'Cause it turns out
cum look way bigger on a back.
[audience laughing]
I built my whole confidence
on back-cum volume.
[audience laughing]
Which I now know is a mirage. It's a lie.
[audience laughing]
Women's backs are actually made out
of passenger-side mirrors from cars.
-Did you know that?
-[audience laughing]
"Objects appear larger
than they actually are."
[audience laughing]
On a back, I thought
I was an artist on a back.
I thought I worked for Nickelodeon.
[audience laughing]
I was giving out Kid's Choice Awards.
[audience laughing]
"Grab me a towel."
"You gonna need a ShamWow
to mop up the mess
that we got on your back."
[audience laughing]
I walked in that hospital
with so much confidence.
They handed me a cup.
I'm handing them back a Martini.
-I'm ready.
-[audience laughing]
I remember, I went in the room.
I jerked off.
I open my eyes.
I look down.
I thought I missed.
[audience laughing]
There was so little sperm in this cup,
I could've counted them individually.
[audience laughing]
There was a red line on the cup
three quarters of the way up.
For what fucking reason?
I do not know to this day.
Three quarters of the way?
What zoo-animal hippopotamus cups
are you giving out to people?
[audience laughing]
Why you even giving me a cup?
Give me a contact-lens case.
[audience laughing]
I'll turn that shit into a Guinness.
[audience laughing]
Foaming at the top and everything.
"Let it settle, nurse. Let it settle.
You never had a Guinness before?"
[audience laughing]
I'm feeling so insecure about the amount.
I'm like, "I gotta ask the nurse
if this is enough."
[audience laughing]
I muster any bit of courage
I have left in my body.
I take a deep breath. I walk out the room.
I see the nurse,
and it is this meatball of an Italian guy.
Chest hair coming out the scrubs.
He's got a gold pepper chain on.
He's not even wearing Crocs.
He got on Jordan 3s, okay?
I'm like, "This guy
does not work here full time."
"This is a hustle
so he could steal fentanyl."
"There's something going on."
[audience laughing]
I walk up to him, low key.
I get about five feet away.
He looks up. He sees me.
He goes, "Schulzy!"
[audience laughs]
Let me tell you something.
The last place you wanna get recognized
[audience laughing]
is the sperm clinic
when you have a sprinkle of cum
at the bottom of a cup.
[audience laughing]
I go, "What's up, man?
Let's keep it down. Uh"
[audience laughing]
I go, "Hey, bro.
You think this is, like, enough?"
He takes the cup.
-He holds it up to the light
-[audience laughing]
like it's a fucking gemstone.
[audience laughing]
He goes, "Honestly, bro,
there's a gay guy that works here."
"I think he's got more
in between his teeth."
[audience laughing]
Melted my soul, but good fucking joke.
I'll give it to him.
[audience laughing]
He goes, "Don't worry, Schulzy.
All you need is one."
I'm worried.
-[audience laughing]
-I leave.
I start talking myself
back up the whole week.
I'm talking myself back.
I'm like, "Yeah, you don't have a lot,
but it's fucking dense."
[audience laughing]
"It's high proof. You got the moonshine.
That's what you got."
[audience laughs]
My wife and I go back to get the results.
Doctor starts with my wife.
My wife's name is Emma.
He goes, "Emma,
I just have to say, your ovaries
are absolutely beautiful."
"They're stunning. They're spectacular.
They're immaculate."
[scattered cheering]
Motherfucker said too many adjectives,
if you ask me. Like
Just a one to ten, and you shut up.
Stop talking about the inside
of my wife's vagina, all right?
You know what the pussy looks like
on the inside. It's like
This shit like
[audience laughing]
-Don't it look like a angry Mexican? Like
-[audience laughing]
"You want these eggs, fool?
Come get 'em, then, fool."
-[audience laughing]
-[Andrew chuckles]
I'm so delusional. I look at him, I go,
"So what do you think it is?"
[audience laughing]
He looks at me. He goes,
"Well, we also have your sperm analysis,
and we would say your sperm is like a C+."
Blacked out.
[audience laughing]
Knee-jerk reaction,
"You ain't even taste it!"
Right? Which
[audience laughing]
I got defensive. I can admit it.
[audience laughing]
I go, "What the fuck you mean, C+?"
He goes, "Your sperm doesn't swim well."
I go, "Maybe they know they're in a cup."
"Huh? You think about that?"
[audience laughing]
You doing laps in a Jacuzzi?
No, you fucking
[audience laughing]
Sit back, relax, smoke a joint, right?
Sit with a jet shooting up your ass,
but you don't tell anybody.
That's gay if they know, right?
[audience laughing]
I go, "Why the fuck don't they swim well?"
He goes, "It could just be who you are."
Huh?
[audience laughing]
He goes, "It could also be you've been
taking hair pills for 15 years."
I go, "What?"
He goes, "Yeah, the main effect
of hair pills is you don't lose your hair,
but one of the side effects is
it stops your sperm from swimming."
"So you have a full head of hair,
but you can't get women pregnant."
I said, "Hold the fuck on."
"Nobody told me hair pills
actually make you perfect."
[audience laughing]
"You're telling me
there's a pill men can take
where we can cum
in any woman that will allow us,
not get them pregnant,
and the side effect is
our hair looks incredible? Is that"
[audience laughing]
"That's not hair pills. That's limitless.
You're marketing this wrong, Doc."
[audience laughing]
I tell my wife, "Fuck the hair pills.
Fuck my hair. Let's have this baby."
My wife goes,
"Let's look at all the options."
[audience laughing]
That hurt. I'm not gonna lie. That hurt.
I get it a little bit, 'cause my ears
are big, and my nose is big,
and without hair,
I'd look like a banker at Gringotts.
But it still hurt.
[audience laughing]
I go to the doctor.
I go, "Okay, Doc. What can we do?"
Doctor goes, "I think you guys
should try an IUI."
I go, "What's that?"
He goes, "Intrauterine insemination."
I go, "Doc, I went to public school."
[audience laughing]
"But I'm pretty sure that's exactly
what the fuck I've been doing."
[audience laughing]
"I'm intra the uterus,
and I'm semening that thing
as much as I possibly can."
"I've been turning my wife into a cannoli
the last six months."
[audience laughing]
Doctor goes, "No, no, no, no, no.
An IUI is this."
This is what he says to me verbatim.
I'm not changing any words.
He goes, "When your wife
is at peak ovulation,
you both come to the hospital."
"Your wife goes in one room,
you go in another room."
"You masturbate in your room,
I come collect your sample."
"Then I'll go in the room with your wife."
[audience laughing]
"And I'll put that sample in your wife."
"The fuck you just say to me?"
[audience laughing]
"Say what you just said again."
"I must've heard something different
come outta your fucking face."
"It sounded like, 'You jerk off.
I'll take it from here, little guy.'"
"That's what it fucking sounded like."
[audience laughing]
"I don't need you
to DoorDash the cum into my wife."
-"I'll deliver it just fine, thank you."
-[audience laughing]
"Want me to sit in the corner like a cuck
while you put the cum in my wife?"
[audience laughing]
"What do I tell my kid when they're like,
'How did I get here?'"
"'Well, me, your mom, and a friend
[chuckles]
[audience laughing]
had a Diddy party.' You know?"
[audience laughing]
Here's the thing.
We try the IUI.
Doesn't work.
Natural didn't work.
Cock didn't work.
[audience laughs]
Go back to the doctor.
"What you got left?"
He goes, "There's one more option."
"It's called IVF."
Okay, you guys have heard of IVF, yeah?
Most have heard of it. They don't know
what it is. It's Jurassic Park.
That's all it is.
Take the sperm from the dude,
the eggs from the chick.
You send it to a lab with thousands
of other people's sperm and eggs,
hope they read the labels,
and that's it, right?
[audience laughing]
So you can see why I was concerned
when a fucking Puerto Rican
came out of my wife.
[audience laughing]
"I knew this would happen.
My handwriting is shit."
They're like," I can't read it.
Get me a Hector. That will knock her up."
-"Get me a Hector right now."
-[audience laughing]
Now, IVF, very hard for the woman, okay?
Very expensive for the man.
I don't think we talk about that enough.
Uh
The financial trauma associated with it.
$30,000 for a kid.
Yeah, I started
looking up human trafficking.
-Just to see.
-[audience laughing]
I'm a capitalist. I'm a free-market guy.
Turns out you can get
a brand-new Brazilian for $1,000.
-That's a new thing.
-[audience laughing]
Amazon Prime from the Amazon.
-It don't get more Amazon than that.
-[audience laughing]
They yank them out of an aai bush.
They're on your doorstep by the afternoon.
I put them in the taquito machine.
I got a white kid for dinner.
I had the whole thing mapped out.
[audience laughing]
In America, pretty sure
we're the only country that does this,
there are some advantages with IVF.
Because you fertilize the eggs
outside the body,
you know what gender the embryo is
before you implant it.
So technically, you could choose
the gender of your baby, right?
It's pretty fucking cool, huh?
I told my wife, "Listen,
if you wanna choose the gender,
we can choose the gender, okay?"
"I'm just letting you know now,
whatever we choose,
it's gonna stay that one."
Uh
[audience laughing]
Yeah. They're not coming back here
15 years later,
"I identify as" I got paperwork.
I don't give a fuck what you identify as.
I spent 30 grand on a boy.
I'm getting a fucking boy, okay?
[audience laughing]
You wanna be a girl, you owe me 30 grand.
I raised you better than that.
You're not gonna steal from me.
I'll let you buy your freedom
for 30 grand.
You better go out there,
get a fucking job.
I recommend getting a job as a man
'cause women make 25% less.
But listen, this is the life you're
signing up for. I hope you're ready.
[scattered applause]
Now, IVF is very hard for the woman
because you basically
gotta trick the female body
into making way more eggs
than they normally make.
Women make how many eggs a month, miss?
Somebody said, "17."
She said, "I don't know."
Uh, it's one egg a month, right?
[audience laughing]
And this is why mansplaining exists. So
[audience laughing]
'Cause if we didn't tell you things,
you wouldn't know anything.
You'd be sitting around.
Like, "I should make a pie
and put it on a windowsill."
[audience laughing]
So you make one egg a month.
And when that egg does not become a baby,
it becomes your period.
That's that blood
that comes out of you every month.
Good. Okay. Just making sure. Okay.
With IVF, you gotta trick the female body
into making not one egg a month,
like 20 or 30.
How do you do that?
[woman] Shots.
Shots, or you could take them
to NBA All-Star Weekend.
[audience laughing]
Bro, you get these chicks
around max-contract players,
it's a fucking Pez dispenser
down there, right?
[audience laughing]
No, you're right. Shots, 100%.
You basically gotta shoot the women up
with the female hormones,
estrogen and progesterone.
You wanna increase those levels.
Those are that hormones
that make women women, right?
Testosterone is what makes men men.
So every morning, I inject my wife.
Every evening, I inject her.
Every morning, I inject her.
Every evening, I inject her.
And I'm sure this is a coincidence,
but the more woman juice
I would inject in my wife
[audience laughs]
What do you think happened
to her demeanor? If you could guess.
[audience laughing]
You think she became real logical, or
[audience and Andrew laugh]
"Oh my God, you're so good at parking
all of a sudden. How'd you get so good?"
[audience laughing]
You could think she went
batshit fucking crazy.
Option C, cunt. Uh
[audience laughing]
Thank God I had
some testosterone left over.
So many times she got a little too wild.
Bang, I just hit her with the T.
Not enough to box for Algeria
in the Olympics.
-Just enough to calm her down.
-[surprised reactions]
[scattered applause]
Just enough to calm her down.
"Where the fuck were you last night?"
[whoosh]
-"Oh my God!"
-[audience laughing]
"I feel so rational."
[audience laughing]
"Do you wanna hear a story
with no unnecessary details?"
[audience laughing]
"I was wrong."
[audience laughing]
Anyway, do that for a few weeks.
Then you do what's called the retrieval,
where they basically stick
this vacuum tube up inside your wife,
pop open an ovary, suck all the eggs out.
We did ours on Easter.
Easter egg hunt. Kinda fire.
-Uh
-[audience laughing]
And the only thing the dude has to do
for the whole IVF experience
is we just gotta jerk off.
That's the only thing.
A doctor calls you
to schedule your jerk-off.
That was one of the most
magnificent moments in my life.
A medical professional
called my cell phone
and said, "Mr. Schulz,
we need the nut."
[audience laughing]
And I was like,
"Where do you want it, Doc?"
[audience and Andrew laugh]
"I don't wanna play this game."
I go, "Fair."
"That is a completely fair reaction."
[audience laughing]
He goes, "We have an appointment
on the hour every hour
from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m."
"What time would you like?"
What time would you pick?
-[man] Two.
-2:00 p.m.
[scattered laughter]
This guy's nasty, bro.
[audience laughing]
2:00 p.m. You walk in,
the floor's a fly trap. Just
[imitates squishing]
There's cum graffitied all over the walls.
Stalagmites dripping from the ceiling.
The seat is sweaty. 2:00 p.m.?
He's still smiling and happy about it.
This is disgusting.
You don't even need lube.
You're just like [makes phlegmy noise]
[surprised laughter]
[Andrew laughing]
I'm not like you. I said 8:00 a.m.
First appointment, turn the AC down low.
I'm making that a Peloton class, right?
[audience laughing]
Now, tell me if I'm wrong to assume this.
I assume, since I have an appointment
for a time this specific
and an act this intimate,
that I'm gonna be the only one scheduled.
Is that a fair assumption?
Pretty fair. You wouldn't want there
to be two people in the waiting room.
[audience laughs]
Right? That might be
an awkward environment.
Both of us trying to avoid eye contact
and warming our hands.
[audience laughing]
I show up at 7:58 a.m.
There are 25 guys in the waiting room.
[audience laughing]
And every one of them thought
they were gonna be the only one there.
And I know that 'cause one guy's
charging a Fleshlight
in the middle of the fucking waiting room.
[audience laughing]
USB charger in the wall,
Fleshlight blinking.
I thought it was a hookah.
I thought we were gonna smoke and relax.
[audience laughing]
One dude brought
a small Asian woman. Genius.
[audience laughing]
I didn't even know that was legal
to bring a wringer, a professional.
[audience laughing]
Now, to be fair, it was his wife,
but I didn't know that.
I didn't know that
when I tried to go Dutch.
"Let me get the left hand
for five minutes, my boy."
"Just give me the nondominant. I just
need five minutes with that nondominant."
[audience laughing]
The mood in the waiting room,
somber.
[audience laughs]
It's halftime. We're down 40. It's bad.
[audience laughing]
Okay, everybody got their head
between their legs.
Nurse walks in. Same meatball nurse.
Calls my name. I walk up.
He sees me ten feet away.
He goes, "Schulzy!"
[audience laughing]
"Here to drop off the Tyrones?"
[audience laughing]
I go, "The Tyrones?"
He goes, "Yeah, they can't swim."
[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
-[scattered applause]
This guy's two for two in my book, okay?
Each one melts my soul,
but he's two for two.
[audience laughs]
He goes, "Don't worry, Schulzy.
All you need is one."
Hands me this clear plastic bag
with all the jerk-off paraphernalia.
It's got a cup,
some cream, some paperwork.
Points me in the direction
of the jerk-off room,
which I assume
is right next to the waiting room.
No. Other side of the hospital.
I gotta walk through the whole hospital
with a clear beat-off bag.
[audience laughing]
People are looking at me like I'm Cersei
walking through King's Landing.
"Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame!"
I'm feeling so uncomfortable,
I start jogging.
[audience laughing]
Now I just look really excited
to whack off at the hospital.
[audience laughing]
I finally get to my room.
The room is small.
It's from this speaker right here
to this speaker right here.
I walk in. First thing I notice, no TV.
Concerned.
[audience laughing]
I start looking for magazines.
No magazines. More concerned.
I take out my cell phone. No service.
[audience laughing]
I am panicking.
I haven't jerked off acoustic
in two decades.
[audience laughing]
You want me to go unplugged
at a moment like this?
Jerk off to memories,
like a serial killer?
[audience laughing]
Close my eyes and think of 2010.
No fucking way, Jos.
I'm looking for a crack in the drywall.
I'm about to Shawshank this nut out.
I'm going balls deep, Andy Dufresne.
[audience laughing]
I can't exactly walk
back to the waiting room
and be like, "Who got the Wi-Fi?"
[audience laughing]
"Let me warm up
that Fleshy for you, my boy."
[audience laughing]
I'm panicking
'cause if I don't get this nut out,
we can't fertilize the eggs,
I fail my wife, and all I had to do
was fucking jerk off.
Now there is a window in the room
that's covered, obviously.
All of a sudden, the window slides
open from the outside.
On the outside,
fine-ass Latina nurse
starts telling me what to do.
[Latin American accent]
"Sir, you have to fill out the paperwork."
[audience laughing]
[audience continues laughing]
[scattered applause]
[normal voice]
I start jerking off immediately.
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "This gotta be part
of the 30 grand for IVF!"
-[audience laughing]
-I'm role-playing with her.
[Latin American accent]
"Fill out the paperwork."
[normal voice] "I'll fill out your
green card, Esmeralda. Whatever you need!"
"We gonna make
two American citizens today."
"I'm feeling generous."
[audience laughing]
Turns out she's a real nurse.
She works for the hospital.
[Latin American accent]
"Sir, now is not the time to masturbate."
[audience laughing]
"Now is the time
to fill out the paperwork."
[audience laughing]
"When you finish fill out the paperwork,
then you masturbate into the cup."
[audience laughing]
"If you need the 'loop',
you can use the 'loop.'"
[audience laughing]
[normal voice] I go, "The loop?"
She goes
[Latin American accent] "The 'yelly.'"
[audience laughing]
"You can use the 'loop' or the 'yelly'
to masturbate into the cup."
[audience laughing]
[normal voice] Then she said this.
This fucked me up.
[Latin American accent]
"But do not use saliva."
[audience laughing]
[normal voice] I go, "Whose saliva?"
[Latin American accent] "Your saliva."
[normal voice] "I'm not jerking off
with my saliva. That's gay."
"Even though it's not, but it is."
You can't be jerking off
-[imitating spitting]
-[audience laughing]
Like some fucking infinity pool.
That's unhealthy.
[audience laughing]
What if somebody videotapes that shit,
puts it in reverse,
and now I'm just [imitating spitting]
[audience laughing and applauding]
That's a fucking liability!
What would the street say?
What would the street say?
[audience laughing]
I go, "I'm not using
my own saliva, Esmeralda."
[Latin American accent]
"Okay, pero don't do it."
[audience laughing]
"When you finish
masturbating into the cup"
[audience laughing]
"knock twice on the window.
I come collect the cup."
[normal voice]
I go, "Okay." She closes the window.
I throw so much "loop" and "yelly"
on my hands.
I look like I fisted a donkey.
I'm dripping to the wrists
in "loop" and "yelly."
I start whacking off.
I'm inventing masturbation techniques.
I'm doing Mr. Miyagi.
[audience laughing]
Octopus.
Banging my dick
on random shit in the room.
[audience laughing]
Anything I can to get this nut out.
By some miracle, I get to the point
where I'm about to bust.
I go to open the cup.
The cup has a childproof.
[audience laughing]
I have so much "loop" and "yelly"
on my hands.
[audience laughing]
I can't create enough
down pressure and twist
to get the childproof nut cup open.
I'm already fucking here
'cause I'm childproof.
We don't need more childproof
for the childproof.
-[audience laughing]
-[scattered applause]
I try to bite the top of the cup off.
I can't get it off.
Now I have "loop" and "yelly"
all over my lips and cheek.
[audience laughing]
I look like a golden retriever
playing with a tennis ball. I'm sick.
[audience laughing]
I'm freaking out.
If I can't get this nut out, we can't
fertilize the eggs. I fail my wife.
In this moment of panic,
I feel like my only recourse
is to knock twice on the window,
ask the fine-ass Latina nurse
if she would open the cum cup for me.
So out of respect,
I move my dick to the side.
I don't want her to slide open the window,
see my dick,
dive through, start sucking immediately.
Obviously, you know what she wants to do.
[Latin American accent]
"I'm hungry! Give it to me!"
[audience laughing]
[normal voice] Out of respect for my wife,
I move my dick to the side.
Knock twice on the window.
Fine-ass Latina nurse walks up.
Slides open the window
to see a man at an awkward angle
[audience laughing]
holding a cup that's never been opened
[audience laughing]
with a clear liquid shellacked
all over his lips and cheek.
[audience laughing]
And she just goes
[Latin American accent]
"Oh my God. It's impossible."
[audience laughing]
"Que no, que no, que no, it's impossible."
"I told you, masturbate into the cup!"
[audience laughing]
"We cannot collect it from your estomach."
[audience laughing]
[normal voice] At this point, I realized
she thinks I sucked my own dick
inside the sperm-retrieval facility.
[audience laughing]
Like some practical joke I'm playing
on fertility clinics.
-"Ta-da!"
-[audience laughing]
"Not going in my wife's belly.
It's already in mine. Too late."
It's the most embarrassing moment
of my life.
Keep in mind,
I still need to provide a sample.
I'm begging her,
"Please. No, it's not what you think."
"It's the 'loop' and 'yelly.'
I couldn't open"
She doesn't believe me,
opens the cup begrudgingly,
slams it down, closes the window.
I start trying to jerk off again.
All of a sudden,
I can hear her through the window,
telling the whole hospital
[audience laughing]
I've been sucking my own dick
inside the sperm-retrieval facility.
[audience laughing]
I'm stroking away. I hear
[Latin American accent]
"He's going back for more."
[audience laughing]
"I can't believe it. He's insatiable."
[audience laughing]
"I knew he a dick-sucker.
That's why I say, 'No saliva.'"
"I knew he gonna use it."
[audience laughing]
"He don't even swallow.
He shoot it on his face."
"He's painting in there. He's painting."
[audience laughing]
[normal voice] But, by some miracle,
I was able to get a nut out,
and we were able to fertilize eggs.
-That was fucking cool.
-[cheering and applause]
Yeah. That was cool.
Yeah!
[applause continues]
Went back and found out
we made, uh, nine embryos,
which was awesome.
We told the doctor, "Yo, just put
the strongest one we got in there."
"We're not choosing the gender.
Just put whatever we got. The strongest."
I'm in the room. He takes the embryo.
He puts it in my wife.
The second he puts it in,
I'm like [moans]
And
-[audience laughing]
-Doctor's like, "What are you doing?"
I'm like, "I want some part of this
to feel traditional."
"So I'm gonna hold you, you hold her,
and we'll just conga-line
this thing into existence, okay?"
[audience laughing]
He goes, "Okay,
there's a 60% chance this works."
"Unfortunately, 40% of time,
it doesn't work."
"We won't know it's worked
until we hear the heartbeat,
so we just gotta wait
weeks and weeks for that."
We go, "Okay." We leave.
Very excited, nervous. Okay?
Couple weeks go by. My wife goes,
"I wanna take a pregnancy test."
I said, "Listen, the doctor said
we should wait for the heartbeat."
Then my wife did what any wife would do,
is just listen with obedience and respect.
[audience laughing]
So I went out,
and I got that pregnancy test, right?
[audience laughing]
Throughout this process, my wife
has probably taken 30 pregnancy tests.
None have gone the way we wanted.
She cries every single time.
I feel horrible
'cause I'm putting her through this.
But this time, I got to watch my wife
look at her first positive pregnancy test.
It was pretty fucking cool.
Yeah. It was fire.
-[cheering and applause]
-It was fire.
[applause continues]
Bro, I was so excited,
I grabbed it out of her hand.
-I kissed that shit.
-[audience laughing]
Pee all over it. Didn't give a fuck.
And after having the urine of someone
I love, respect, and admire on my body,
free R. Kelly, bro.
-It's really not as bad as it seems.
-[surprised laughter]
It's a warm reposado.
Wash it down with a lime.
[audience laughing]
We see that pregnancy test.
We're over the moon.
We're so fucking excited.
Every day, we get a little more excited.
A few more weeks go by.
One morning, my wife wakes me up.
She goes, "Oh my God,
I just had the worst nightmare."
Immediately, I'm like, "Okay, I must've
cheated on you in your dream again."
[audience laughing]
'Cause that's all my wife dreams about,
is me fucking other women.
Every night, she dreams
about me fucking other women.
And it's like, how do I dream? Like
-You know what I mean? Like
-[audience laughing]
"Why don't you teach me how to do that?
That sounds fucking awesome."
"When I dream, my teeth fall out,
my towel falls off. Those are my dreams."
"In your dreams, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio
on ten BlueChews
at the Victoria's Secret show, right?"
[audience laughing]
When my wife has a traumatic dream,
I say, "Listen,
the best way to get through it
is just to tell me in detail
what was happening." Right? Like
"Does she give me head?"
"No? She didn't either?
Interesting. Okay, got it."
"So even in your nightmare,
it's my nightmare. Look at that."
[audience laughing]
She goes, "No, I didn't have
a dream of you cheating on me."
She goes, "I had a nightmare
I had a miscarriage."
Obviously, very concerning.
I try to comfort her.
I go, "Hey, it's okay, babe."
"This is on your mind.
It's been a difficult process for us."
"Everything's gonna be okay."
She gets up to use the bathroom.
There's blood everywhere.
Freaking out. Terrified.
No clue what's going on.
Calling the hospital,
finally get in touch with them.
They say, "Get here as soon as you can."
We get in the Uber.
On the way to the hospital.
Finally arrive.
We go into the room, and we're waiting
for the doctor to do the ultrasound
to see if he can hear a heartbeat, okay?
Uh
And I start apologizing to my wife.
I go, "I'm so sorry."
She goes, "Why are you sorry?"
And I go, "Well, this is my problem."
"You bear the burden of it,
and I can't protect you from that."
"I'm just really sorry."
And she says maybe the coolest thing
anybody's ever said to me
in probably the hardest moment
of her life.
She goes, "Andrew,
you don't have problems anymore."
"We have problems,
and we'll figure them out together."
It was pretty cool.
-[applause]
-Um
[applause continues]
Now, my wife is a very private person,
but she's agreed to let me share something
with you tonight if you'd like to see.
[cheering and applause]
Play that video.
-Okay, ready?
-All right, go.
[guitar gently playing]
Oh my God! [gasping]
I knew it.
I saw a man just laugh it off
But in his eyes, there was a battle
He hopes it isn't lost
In his heart, he needs this most
And if it's stolen from his hands
Who knows
[music swells]
[music fades]
[heartbeat whooshing]
[Andrew] Oh my God.
-[cheering and applause]
-[gentle music playing]
[laughs]
[Andrew] Oh my God.
[reel whirring]
-[baby crying]
-[audience cheering and applauding]
[baby cries]
[Andrew] Go, give me kisses.
[gentle music continues]
Isn't she?
[Andrew] It means "gift from God."
[music fades]
[cheering and applause]
Thank you.
[applause continues]
Thank you very much, man.
And if there's anybody out there
going through a similar thing,
uh, I would just like to encourage you,
because the light
at the end of the tunnel,
when you finally get to see your child,
it will make you forget
everything you endured to get there.
So I wish you the best of luck,
and God bless.
-[cheering and applause]
-Um, yeah.
[applause continues]
Okay, I got two more things to tell you.
Number one.
My wife just had Shiloh.
We're in the room.
We told all our friends and family.
So excited.
Uh
And I keep thinking about one person
I really wanna tell.
And it's the meatball.
[audience laughing]
And I know it sounds crazy,
but this guy made me laugh hard twice
at some of the darkest moments in my life.
And laughter's given me everything.
I was like, "I just need him to know
that it worked out."
I start asking around the hospital.
I'm like, "Hey, there's this nurse
who was helping us."
"Any way you could ask
this nurse to come by the room?"
We get a knock on the door.
And it's the Latina nurse.
[audience laughing]
I'm just fucking with you.
I'm just fucking.
[audience laughing]
Imagine she walks in,
sees my wife with a baby.
[Latin American accent] "Impossible!"
[audience laughing]
[normal voice] No.
No, it was the meatball.
He heard the good news. He comes in.
He's on ten. He's so excited.
He goes, "Oh my God. Congrats, guys."
"And you know what? We got five more
on ice whenever you're ready."
[audience laughing]
At first, I laughed,
but then I heard the number.
I was like, "Five?"
We had nine embryos. One is right there.
"The fuck happened to the other three?"
[audience laughs]
And then, it hit me.
That's his hustle.
[audience laughing]
This motherfucker is stealing embryos
from fertility clinics,
selling them to Chinese restaurants
to put in soup
or whatever you do with them.
[audience laughing]
That's what I would do.
It's called egg drop soup for a reason.
Look at the menu!
[audience laughing]
I go up to him, "Yo, yo,
what happened to the other three?"
He goes, "Unfortunately,
we did more testing on those,
and three of them were not viable."
I go, "What does that mean?"
He goes, "We wouldn't feel comfortable
implanting them."
I go, "Why not?"
"It's just not something we would do."
I go, "Yeah, but why?"
"We just wouldn't feel comfortable."
[audience laughing]
I go, "But why?"
"It's just not something
we would do here."
[audience laughing]
"Why won't you tell me what the fuck
is up with those three eggs?"
[audience laughing]
The meatball has, like,
a bro moment with me.
He, like, turns around,
closes the door,
walks back,
leans in, and goes,
"They're retarded."
[audience and Andrew laughing]
Now, keep in mind,
I don't know if he means retarded
like we said it growing up
or actually retarded.
I ask him, "What do you mean, retarded?"
He goes, "Retarded." Bro!
[audience laughing]
Medical professional. Full nurse's outfit.
Chicken wing with a gang sign, bro.
"Ice cream!"
[audience laughing]
I'm feeling defensive.
"What if we wanna make one of them?"
He goes, "We can't do it."
I go, "But what if I have a farm
and we need someone strong?"
[audience laughing]
To roll the hay or wake up the roosters.
[audience laughing]
"Cock-a-doodle-doo, who's this?"
"Ice cream!"
[audience laughing]
He goes, "We can't do it."
I go, "What do you do with them?"
He goes, "Flush them."
[surprised laughter]
That means, wherever the sewage
in this city drains out,
there is a colony
[audience laughing]
of Teenage Mutant Ninja Retards.
[audience laughing]
What I'm trying to say is
that's Staten Island.
-That's the scientific
-[audience laughing]
Thank you so much, New York.
-God bless you all. Thank you so much!
-[cheering and applause]
-[jazz music playing]
-This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
I'm gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine, Lord
Gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine
Oh
Everywhere I go
I'm gonna let it shine
Everywhere I go
I'm gonna let it shine
Everywhere I go
I'm gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine
Let it shine, let it shine
Gonna let it shine
Let it shine, let it shine
This little light of mine, Lord
I'm gonna let it shine
[music fades]
[audience laughing]
This is my favorite New York joke.
Y'all wanna hear it?
[audience] Yeah!
-[cheering and applause]
-[Andrew] All right, cool.
Love you.
I love you too.
Nobody's more proud of their city than us.
That's what I thought my whole life,
and then I went to Chicago.
[audience laughs]
Now, Chicago is a very wild
But they're proud of shit
they really should not be proud of.
[audience laughs]
They're proud of the tragedies
that have happened in their city.
They named their soccer team
the Chicago Fire.
[audience laughing]
New Yorkers, we love New York.
We're not namin' a football team
[audience laughing]
the New York Nine-Elevens?
[audience laughs]
We call 'em the Jets. Guys
[audience laughing]
[cheering and applause]
We don't name it after.
We name it before. Okay?
Take that, Chicago.
It's called confidence.
[audience laughs]
Or knowledge of an inside job,
but I don't wanna get too political.
-[audience laughing]
-[funky music playing]
Ooh
Like a person needs his soul
Like the winter needs the cold
Ooh, I need you
[crowd cheering]
Like the fire needs the air
I won't burn unless you're there
And now, give it up for my son,
Andrew Schulz!
America got a thing
For this gangster shit
They love me
Black Chukkas, black skully
Leather Pelle Pelle
I tag SPIT over Ramo's shit
I'm a vandal
Got that silver duct tape
On my trey eight handle
I want the finer things in my life
New York City!
[music fades]
Make some fucking noise!
[audience cheers loudly]
Ay!
[cheering and applause continues]
New York, a lot has changed
in my life recently. I just had a baby.
-[cheering and applause]
-That's pretty cool. Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. My wife had the baby.
I wanna clarify that.
[audience laughs]
I actually hate it when men take credit
for what women go through in childbirth.
[women cheer]
Know what I'm talking about?
These fucking new-age dudes out here,
"We're pregnant."
[audience laughs]
"We had a baby."
It's like, "Shut the fuck up."
You did nothing. You're being insulting."
It's like when my wife says,
"We made a lot of money."
-Uh
-[audience laughing]
[applause]
-"Oh, did we do that, babe? Is that"
-[audience laughs]
I feel like I'm the one
in labor here, you know?
There's no epidural for hard work,
I'll tell you that much.
[audience laughing]
I'm fuckin' around, moms.
We got some moms here?
-[women cheer]
-That's what I'm talkin' about.
Labor is the wildest thing
I've ever witnessed in my entire life.
I wish I read them books and pamphlets
the fuckin' doctor gave me,
I'll tell you that much.
When your wife first gets pregnant,
you have to go get a baby-specific doctor
called an OB-GYN, right?
I didn't know what the fuck that was.
I thought it was more gay letters.
-[audience laughing]
-My wife's like, "We need an OB-GYN."
I was like, "Why do we need
a fuckin' gay guy to deliver the baby?"
"What do they know about this?
It's not their jurisdiction at all."
[audience laughing]
I don't want some gay doctor
to open my wife's legs,
like [camply] "Ew, yucky. Vagina."
"Gross!"
"I want to look at something hot,
like a butt full o' shit, you know?"
[audience laughing]
Anyway, I didn't read
the books and pamphlets,
so I got no clue what the fuck to expect.
My wife's water broke. I'm hyped.
I got the Nintendo Switch charged up.
I got
I got an extension cord just in case
the outlet's far from the couch.
[audience laughs]
We get to the hospital.
The security guards are dappin' me up.
"Schulz, you're about to be a dad."
"I'm about to beat Mario Kart. Don't know
what the fuck you talking about."
[audience laughs]
We get up to the room.
Labor begins. The surprises begin.
Here's something
that you should know. I wish I knew.
Every two hours during labor,
the doctor's gonna walk in the room,
finger your wife right in front of you.
[audience laughing]
That's a pretty important
piece of information, right?
It's probably at the top
of the books and pamphlets, by the way.
Be nice if the security guards told me
instead of dapping me up downstairs.
[audience laughing]
"Your wife's gonna be a sock puppet
for the next 24 hours,
so get ready for this fuckin'
Illuminati humiliation ritual
you just signed up for!"
[audience laughing]
"Choose your OB-GYN wisely."
[audience laughing]
"Don't choose some 6'6'' Viking
with a baseball mitt as a hand."
[audience laughing]
"Your wife's not even dilating.
He's scooping it out, Baskin-Robbins."
[audience laughing]
Thank God we had
this little Filipina doctor.
-Thank God.
-[audience laughs]
Thank God. She looked like the chick
that made the outfits for The Incredibles.
[audience laughing]
She had the smallest little hand
They might have been chopsticks.
They were so tiny.
[audience laughing]
Bro, I remember, she, like
she, like, floated into the room.
[audience laughing]
Walked right up to my wife,
opened her legs, fingers her.
Yells out a number. "Four!"
[audience laughs]
I stopped jerking off.
I'm like, "Hold on, hold on."
[audience laughing]
"What the fuck you mean four, bitch?
That's a ten!"
"Babe, do that squeezy shit you do."
"Lock it up. Do the fucking
Take the air out the room!"
[audience laughing]
Four I know fours.
I've been to Staten Island.
-I know what the fuck a four looks like.
-[audience laughing]
[cheering and applause]
I'm fucking around.
Shout out to Staten Island, man.
[audience cheers]
Let's fucking go.
Craziest New Yorkers, fact.
[audience laughs]
The most passionate, the most wild.
If anybody ever tries to invade New York,
Staten Island gonna handle that.
[audience laughs]
There's a scientific reason why people
from Staten Island are the way they are,
but we'll get to that shit later. Uh
Anyway, 24 hours
of this little fingering festival
[audience laughs]
I'm sitting through, right?
Twenty-four hours in,
the baby's heart rate drops.
They gotta do
an emergency C-section, right?
Doctor comes up to me.
Like, "We have to do a C-section."
"You've read the books.
You know what to expect."
And I'm like, "Yeah. Yeah. Uh"
They wheel my wife to another room.
I go with them, right?
I'm fucking delirious.
My thumbs are sore from Mario Kart.
Like, I haven't slept in 24 hours.
The hospital's Rainbow Road.
I got no fucking clue what's going on.
[audience laughs]
The doctor takes me
to a little room inside that room
and hands me
the doctor's outfit, the scrubs.
She goes, "Put this on."
I go, "For what?"
[audience laughs]
"Do I need to carve the pumpkin?"
[audience laughs]
I'm like, "What kind
of janky-ass insurance do I have
that I gotta perform
the fucking C-section?"
I'm googling on the low, "dad C-section."
[audience laughing]
It's just tranny porn
showing up on my phone.
[audience laughing]
"Who the fuck stole my phone
and looked up all this
awesome shit?" You know?
[audience laughing]
I follow the doctor. We go into the room.
My wife's laying on this bed.
There's a curtain hanging from the ceiling
right below her tits, okay?
Doctor goes, "Go up there with the tits."
I'm like, "Obviously, uh"
[audience laughing]
I'm not going with the chainsaw massacre.
I'm going up with the knock-knocks.
I protect the tits. I guard the tits.
[audience laughs]
My wife's passed out. I'm just, "Aah."
[audience and Andrew laugh]
You gotta keep the ducts open, right?
That baby gotta feed.
You don't want the titty milk
to glaze them over.
So I got them coin purse. I'm blowin'
into 'em like a Snapple bottle.
[blows]
[audience laughing]
Doctor starts carving up my wife.
Takes out the baby. We hear the baby cry.
Can't see the baby 'cause of the curtain.
My wife goes, "Go look at the baby."
I go around the curtain. I see the baby.
[audience laughs]
Now I don't know if any of y'all
have ever seen a brand-new baby?
[audience laughing]
You know how frogs start as tadpoles?
[audience laughing]
Babies start as Puerto Rican.
Did you guys know that?
[audience laughing]
Every baby starts as Puerto Rican.
This was the most Puerto Rican-looking
baby I've ever seen in my life.
It had a Yankee fitted.
It had a keychain with a frog on it.
[audience laughs]
It was driving a Toyota RAV4
with a 4.7 Uber rating.
It wasn't even "goo-goo ga-ga."
It was like [trills tongue]
-It had too much rhythm to be mine.
-[audience laughs]
I go right up to the doctor. I'm like,
"Yo. Why is the baby Puerto Rican?"
[audience laughs]
The doctor looks at me, and she goes,
"We just need to heat it up."
[audience laughs]
They take my Puerto Rican baby.
[audience laughs]
They put it under the taquitos lamp
from 7-Eleven.
[audience laughing]
No bullshit.
The finest medical institutions,
United States of America,
will turn your Puerto Rican baby white
with a taquitos lamp from 7-Eleven.
I watched them barbecue the boricua
right out of my baby.
[audience laughs]
My baby changed colors like a mood ring,
and let me tell you something.
My mood, way better. Oh my God!
The second the baby turned white,
I was, "They will not replace us."
I regret saying that out loud.
[audience laughing]
Gave us this beautiful little baby, man.
We had a little girl.
It's pretty cool.
We got some girl dads in here?
-[cheering and applause]
-Girl dad?
That's what the fuck
I'm talking about, my boy.
That shit is stressful, huh?
[audience laughs]
I understand every gender-reveal video,
the look on the dad's face
when the smoke is pink.
[audience laughs]
When the smoke is blue,
they start doing football shit.
They're like [grunting]
[audience laughs]
The smoke is pink, they just stare off
in the distance, right?
[audience laughing]
Like they got
their rejection letter from Hogwarts.
[audience laughing]
And it's not because we're upset
we're having a daughter, okay?
That has nothing to do with it.
We're so happy we're having a daughter.
We love it.
It's just we know when you're a girl dad,
anything that happens to that girl,
it's your fault. It's immediate pressure.
I have a screenshot
of the moment I found out
that I was gonna have a daughter.
If you want to see stress,
if you want to see pressure
Put that shit up.
That's
-[audience laughing]
-[scattered applause]
Look at me holding the sheets, man.
You shouldn't hold sheets like that.
[audience laughing]
This is the pressure of knowing
no matter what happens to your daughter,
it's Dad's fault.
When you're a girl dad, no matter
what happens to them, it's our fault.
Okay? I miss one volleyball game,
she starts an OnlyFans.
-It's my fault for some fucking reason.
-[audience laughing]
She's out there sucking dick,
it's daddy issue.
It's dad I don't even suck dick.
That's the mom's side of the family.
[audience laughing]
These moms are putting
their dick-sucking DNA
in our innocent little daughters,
and we're getting blamed for it.
I know for a fact there's no
dick-sucking DNA left in my wife.
That's a guarantee.
[audience laughing]
That shit came out
with the placenta or something.
My wife gives me head
like my dick made out of cilantro.
[audience laughing]
Put that picture away.
I can't I'm getting PTSD just
No, girl dad is just tough.
It's beautiful. It's awesome.
We love them, obviously,
but it's just stressful upfront.
Boy dad is easy.
Who got boys here? Anybody?
-[audience cheering]
-We got boys. We got boys.
The fuck I'm talking about, man.
That shit is easy, right?
'Cause you could not love your son
and he'll be greater.
[audience laughing]
We don't like to admit it, but that is
the key to having a successful male.
Just remove the dad completely.
[audience laughing]
It's guaranteed success. It never fails.
LeBron James, Jeff Bezos, Jesus.
None of them had their dads
in their lives. Coincidence?
You get Pop out of the way,
miracles start happening.
If Jesus's dad was in his life,
he would be a carpenter. Facts.
-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]
He would be Jess. [laughs]
[audience laughing]
He wouldn't be on the cross.
He'd be building them motherfuckers.
[Latin American accent] "Hey, it's strong.
You can hang anything from here."
[audience laughing]
"This is walnut.
Look at this. It's walnut."
[audience laughing]
[normal voice] Just easier up top.
I'm sure it's got its stresses.
You circumcise your son?
-[audience laughs]
-You did circumcise him.
That's what the fuck
I'm talking about, bro.
For religious reasons or American reasons?
-My wife's reason.
-Your wife's reason. Are you circumcised?
No?
So your wife was like, "I'm not letting
anybody put up with this shit."
[audience and Andrew laughing]
"Not gonna have my kid's dick
look like E.T. in a bike basket."
"Circumcise that thing!"
Anyway, that's a brave decision.
A lot of people feel peer pressure.
'Cause in America,
everybody here gets circumcised.
-Um
-[man] No!
All right, bro.
[audience laughing]
Prove it!
[audience laughing]
Pull that shit out!
Pull that shit out!
If I don't see the sand worm from Dune,
I don't believe it.
[audience laughing]
[applause]
What I'm trying to say is
outside of America,
it's only religious people
that get circumcised.
Obviously, Jews do it. Jews invented it.
Uh, Abraham, he was like, "Yo,
this is a covenant between you and God."
"This is how God knows you're down."
[audience laughs]
"If you wanna be part of the tribe,
I'ma need that."
[audience laughing]
His words, not mine.
[audience laughing]
Okay? Now, to be fair,
I don't think he was opening with this.
I think he was like, "Yo, everybody
gets a hat. Fridays off. It's fire."
-You know?
-[audience laughing]
Then two weeks later,
he's like, "I need calamari."
You're like, "The fuck is this guy
talking about calamari all of a sudden?"
[audience laughing]
So Jews gotta do it. Jews gotta do it. Uh
Christians don't have to. Jesus came.
He was like, "Yo, Abe was wildin'."
[audience laughing]
"My man like the end of baby dicks.
It's weird."
"Spoke to Pops.
We don't need to do it anymore."
Then Muslims come around, bring it back.
Throwback jersey, vintage.
[audience laughing]
We got Muslims here tonight?
[audience cheers]
All right, so you guys know why you do it.
Non-Muslims usually don't.
But the reason why Muslims circumcise
is 'cause Muslims are always
trying to out-Jew the Jews.
-[audience laughing]
-This is a sibling rivalry as old as time.
"How many times a day do they pray?
We'll pray five times a day."
-"Fuck it Let's go."
-[audience laughing]
"How many days do they not eat?
We won't eat for the whole month."
[audience laughing]
"They just circumcise the boys?"
[stammers]
[audience laughing]
Anyway, so most Americans do it
for no reason, okay?
And the funny shit is, like,
all of our parents do it to us,
and they never tell us they did it.
They don't tell us
our dicks are different.
So we find out in the wild.
-[audience laughing]
-Like, you'll just be at the gym.
You see some Serbian guy washing off,
and you're like, "Yo, yo, what the fuck?"
[audience laughing]
"The fuck is wrong with Dragel's dick?
Bro, you seeing this shit?"
"He got a pussy
at the end of his dick, bro!"
[audience laughing]
"Dragel got an outie vagina.
This is crazy!"
"Dragel, stop holding your nose closed
when you sneeze."
"You gettin' sleeved up down there."
[audience laughing]
No bullshit. I remember the moment
I found out about uncircumcised dicks.
I remember I was watching a porno,
and the dude was not circumcised,
but it wasn't in the title.
Illegal. That shit should be illegal.
[audience laughing]
I remember the girl grabbed the meat.
The meat looked halal.
It You know what I mean? Like
The shawarma was shaved, right?
Looked circumcised.
Coast is clear. I start jerking off.
[audience laughing]
All of a sudden, she grabbed the dick.
Yanked it up.
Head gone.
[audience laughing]
I dropped my dick.
I said, "What type of sorcery is this?"
I'm not jerking off
to no Sleepy Hollow Headless Horseman
Henry VIII fucking nonsense.
[audience laughing]
Yo, she jerked the dick back down.
Groundhog Day, out of nowhere.
[audience laughing]
I heard the dick come up for air.
[gasps for air]
[audience laughing]
It took a breath.
[high-pitched inhale]
I was so upset, I left a comment, bro.
I was one of them.
-[audience laughing]
-I was one of them.
My username. Not even a fake one.
-"Take your job seriously."
-[audience laughing]
"This girl bleached her asshole.
You showing up to work in a hoodie."
-"How dare you?"
-[audience laughing]
This is how arrogant we are.
[chuckles]
We call people who are not circumcised
"uncircumcised."
We made up a word for them
that doesn't need to exist.
[audience laughs]
We have all the words.
It's "circumcised" and "dick."
[audience laughing]
We don't call people "un-gay."
[audience laughing]
It's just "gay" and "going to heaven."
There's two very different
[audience laughing]
-I don't make up the rules, guys.
-[audience laughs]
Take that up with the Jews.
[audience laughing]
Old Testament, guys.
It's Old Testament, okay?
[audience laughing]
[groans]
Man.
It's hard to get pregnant.
I had no fucking clue.
Let me tell you guys this right now,
everybody in this room. It is hard.
Uh, everybody lied to you your whole life
about "practice safe sex."
-It's safe.
-[audience laughing]
If you on a date
and you don't have a condom, leave it in.
Nothing's gonna happen.
[audience laughing]
"Oh, what about the pre-cum?"
Pre, regular season, the playoffs,
leave it in.
[audience laughing]
Okay? As long as Spanish
is not her first language,
you got nothing to worry about.
Listen.
[Latin American accent] If she speaking
Spanish, this is a problem.
[audience laughing]
[normal voice]
Spanish pussy turns your sperm
into the red shell from Mario Kart.
That's a guaranteed hit.
[audience laughing]
You jerk off into a napkin.
Voo-voo-voo-voo-voo!
"Ay, dios mo. Twins."
That happens all the time.
[audience laughing]
I spent so many years terrified of getting
a woman pregnant for no fucking reason.
I was afraid of getting a woman pregnant
since I was 12 years old.
From when I first started jerking off,
I was terrified.
To the point where I would jerk off,
and then afterwards,
wipe the toilet seat with Windex.
[audience laughs]
Flush, wait 60 seconds,
and then flush again.
'Cause I was terrified
my mom would go take a shit
[audience laughing]
and nine months later,
I'd have a retarded son-brother.
[audience laughing]
My mom drops a deuce.
Kerplunk, one sperm Free Willys up.
[audience laughing]
Now I'm buying helmets for 18 years
'cause I didn't double flush.
How foolish was I?
[audience laughing]
Now, women are way more aware
of the fragility of fertility, okay?
My wife, it's always been her dream
to be a mother.
She actually came to me
before we were gonna start trying,
and she was like, "Hey, what if
for some reason we can't get pregnant?"
And I was like,
"Are you fucking challenging me?"
"What the fuck you mean?
I can get you pregnant right now."
"I just gotta clench my cheeks when I nut.
I don't do that."
[audience laughing]
"I don't want to blast a hole
through the top of your skull, okay?"
[audience laughing]
"Do you wanna breathe
outta the top of your head
because I finished the deadlift
when I nutted? Is that what you want?"
"A unicorn horn is gonna grow out
the top of your head
if I just finish the deadlift."
[audience laughing]
I was so offended she even suggested it.
I remember the first time
we had sex to try to have a baby,
I nutted, I looked her right in the eyes,
and I said, "Got 'em!" [chuckles]
[audience laughing]
Pulled out like Steph Curry. I was like
[audience laughing]
Six months went by. No baby.
[audience laughs]
My wife is freaking out.
She's terrified it's her fault.
I'm freaking out.
I'm terrified it's her fault.
[audience laughing]
Can't be my fault.
I already tested my sperm.
I went like that, it stayed together.
That's how
[audience laughing]
Listen, ladies. This is how
men scientifically test our sperm.
Whenever it's on our fingers, we just go
[laughing]
And if the rope don't break,
we got Nick Cannon right there.
-That 90 degrees.
-[audience laughing]
Mm-hmm. One time,
I went pointer finger to pointer finger.
I stretched it out this far.
Two Black girls started playing
Double Dutch out of nowhere.
[audience laughing]
My wife comes up to me, she goes,
"Hey, I wanna get my ovaries tested."
"Would you get your sperm tested
out of support for me?"
I said, "Absolutely."
"Anything to make this process
easier for you."
"Even though it's a waste
of time and money for me, I will do that."
Obviously, I got the Elmer's, okay?
I got the sticky-icky.
[audience laughs]
You need me to hang a painting
or a refrigerator, you let me know.
And I'll Peter Parker,
put it wherever the fuck you want.
[audience laughing]
When you're a dude,
you gotta get your sperm tested.
You gotta go to the hospital,
you gotta jerk off into a cup,
which I now know
is a deeply humbling experience.
'Cause it turns out
cum look way bigger on a back.
[audience laughing]
I built my whole confidence
on back-cum volume.
[audience laughing]
Which I now know is a mirage. It's a lie.
[audience laughing]
Women's backs are actually made out
of passenger-side mirrors from cars.
-Did you know that?
-[audience laughing]
"Objects appear larger
than they actually are."
[audience laughing]
On a back, I thought
I was an artist on a back.
I thought I worked for Nickelodeon.
[audience laughing]
I was giving out Kid's Choice Awards.
[audience laughing]
"Grab me a towel."
"You gonna need a ShamWow
to mop up the mess
that we got on your back."
[audience laughing]
I walked in that hospital
with so much confidence.
They handed me a cup.
I'm handing them back a Martini.
-I'm ready.
-[audience laughing]
I remember, I went in the room.
I jerked off.
I open my eyes.
I look down.
I thought I missed.
[audience laughing]
There was so little sperm in this cup,
I could've counted them individually.
[audience laughing]
There was a red line on the cup
three quarters of the way up.
For what fucking reason?
I do not know to this day.
Three quarters of the way?
What zoo-animal hippopotamus cups
are you giving out to people?
[audience laughing]
Why you even giving me a cup?
Give me a contact-lens case.
[audience laughing]
I'll turn that shit into a Guinness.
[audience laughing]
Foaming at the top and everything.
"Let it settle, nurse. Let it settle.
You never had a Guinness before?"
[audience laughing]
I'm feeling so insecure about the amount.
I'm like, "I gotta ask the nurse
if this is enough."
[audience laughing]
I muster any bit of courage
I have left in my body.
I take a deep breath. I walk out the room.
I see the nurse,
and it is this meatball of an Italian guy.
Chest hair coming out the scrubs.
He's got a gold pepper chain on.
He's not even wearing Crocs.
He got on Jordan 3s, okay?
I'm like, "This guy
does not work here full time."
"This is a hustle
so he could steal fentanyl."
"There's something going on."
[audience laughing]
I walk up to him, low key.
I get about five feet away.
He looks up. He sees me.
He goes, "Schulzy!"
[audience laughs]
Let me tell you something.
The last place you wanna get recognized
[audience laughing]
is the sperm clinic
when you have a sprinkle of cum
at the bottom of a cup.
[audience laughing]
I go, "What's up, man?
Let's keep it down. Uh"
[audience laughing]
I go, "Hey, bro.
You think this is, like, enough?"
He takes the cup.
-He holds it up to the light
-[audience laughing]
like it's a fucking gemstone.
[audience laughing]
He goes, "Honestly, bro,
there's a gay guy that works here."
"I think he's got more
in between his teeth."
[audience laughing]
Melted my soul, but good fucking joke.
I'll give it to him.
[audience laughing]
He goes, "Don't worry, Schulzy.
All you need is one."
I'm worried.
-[audience laughing]
-I leave.
I start talking myself
back up the whole week.
I'm talking myself back.
I'm like, "Yeah, you don't have a lot,
but it's fucking dense."
[audience laughing]
"It's high proof. You got the moonshine.
That's what you got."
[audience laughs]
My wife and I go back to get the results.
Doctor starts with my wife.
My wife's name is Emma.
He goes, "Emma,
I just have to say, your ovaries
are absolutely beautiful."
"They're stunning. They're spectacular.
They're immaculate."
[scattered cheering]
Motherfucker said too many adjectives,
if you ask me. Like
Just a one to ten, and you shut up.
Stop talking about the inside
of my wife's vagina, all right?
You know what the pussy looks like
on the inside. It's like
This shit like
[audience laughing]
-Don't it look like a angry Mexican? Like
-[audience laughing]
"You want these eggs, fool?
Come get 'em, then, fool."
-[audience laughing]
-[Andrew chuckles]
I'm so delusional. I look at him, I go,
"So what do you think it is?"
[audience laughing]
He looks at me. He goes,
"Well, we also have your sperm analysis,
and we would say your sperm is like a C+."
Blacked out.
[audience laughing]
Knee-jerk reaction,
"You ain't even taste it!"
Right? Which
[audience laughing]
I got defensive. I can admit it.
[audience laughing]
I go, "What the fuck you mean, C+?"
He goes, "Your sperm doesn't swim well."
I go, "Maybe they know they're in a cup."
"Huh? You think about that?"
[audience laughing]
You doing laps in a Jacuzzi?
No, you fucking
[audience laughing]
Sit back, relax, smoke a joint, right?
Sit with a jet shooting up your ass,
but you don't tell anybody.
That's gay if they know, right?
[audience laughing]
I go, "Why the fuck don't they swim well?"
He goes, "It could just be who you are."
Huh?
[audience laughing]
He goes, "It could also be you've been
taking hair pills for 15 years."
I go, "What?"
He goes, "Yeah, the main effect
of hair pills is you don't lose your hair,
but one of the side effects is
it stops your sperm from swimming."
"So you have a full head of hair,
but you can't get women pregnant."
I said, "Hold the fuck on."
"Nobody told me hair pills
actually make you perfect."
[audience laughing]
"You're telling me
there's a pill men can take
where we can cum
in any woman that will allow us,
not get them pregnant,
and the side effect is
our hair looks incredible? Is that"
[audience laughing]
"That's not hair pills. That's limitless.
You're marketing this wrong, Doc."
[audience laughing]
I tell my wife, "Fuck the hair pills.
Fuck my hair. Let's have this baby."
My wife goes,
"Let's look at all the options."
[audience laughing]
That hurt. I'm not gonna lie. That hurt.
I get it a little bit, 'cause my ears
are big, and my nose is big,
and without hair,
I'd look like a banker at Gringotts.
But it still hurt.
[audience laughing]
I go to the doctor.
I go, "Okay, Doc. What can we do?"
Doctor goes, "I think you guys
should try an IUI."
I go, "What's that?"
He goes, "Intrauterine insemination."
I go, "Doc, I went to public school."
[audience laughing]
"But I'm pretty sure that's exactly
what the fuck I've been doing."
[audience laughing]
"I'm intra the uterus,
and I'm semening that thing
as much as I possibly can."
"I've been turning my wife into a cannoli
the last six months."
[audience laughing]
Doctor goes, "No, no, no, no, no.
An IUI is this."
This is what he says to me verbatim.
I'm not changing any words.
He goes, "When your wife
is at peak ovulation,
you both come to the hospital."
"Your wife goes in one room,
you go in another room."
"You masturbate in your room,
I come collect your sample."
"Then I'll go in the room with your wife."
[audience laughing]
"And I'll put that sample in your wife."
"The fuck you just say to me?"
[audience laughing]
"Say what you just said again."
"I must've heard something different
come outta your fucking face."
"It sounded like, 'You jerk off.
I'll take it from here, little guy.'"
"That's what it fucking sounded like."
[audience laughing]
"I don't need you
to DoorDash the cum into my wife."
-"I'll deliver it just fine, thank you."
-[audience laughing]
"Want me to sit in the corner like a cuck
while you put the cum in my wife?"
[audience laughing]
"What do I tell my kid when they're like,
'How did I get here?'"
"'Well, me, your mom, and a friend
[chuckles]
[audience laughing]
had a Diddy party.' You know?"
[audience laughing]
Here's the thing.
We try the IUI.
Doesn't work.
Natural didn't work.
Cock didn't work.
[audience laughs]
Go back to the doctor.
"What you got left?"
He goes, "There's one more option."
"It's called IVF."
Okay, you guys have heard of IVF, yeah?
Most have heard of it. They don't know
what it is. It's Jurassic Park.
That's all it is.
Take the sperm from the dude,
the eggs from the chick.
You send it to a lab with thousands
of other people's sperm and eggs,
hope they read the labels,
and that's it, right?
[audience laughing]
So you can see why I was concerned
when a fucking Puerto Rican
came out of my wife.
[audience laughing]
"I knew this would happen.
My handwriting is shit."
They're like," I can't read it.
Get me a Hector. That will knock her up."
-"Get me a Hector right now."
-[audience laughing]
Now, IVF, very hard for the woman, okay?
Very expensive for the man.
I don't think we talk about that enough.
Uh
The financial trauma associated with it.
$30,000 for a kid.
Yeah, I started
looking up human trafficking.
-Just to see.
-[audience laughing]
I'm a capitalist. I'm a free-market guy.
Turns out you can get
a brand-new Brazilian for $1,000.
-That's a new thing.
-[audience laughing]
Amazon Prime from the Amazon.
-It don't get more Amazon than that.
-[audience laughing]
They yank them out of an aai bush.
They're on your doorstep by the afternoon.
I put them in the taquito machine.
I got a white kid for dinner.
I had the whole thing mapped out.
[audience laughing]
In America, pretty sure
we're the only country that does this,
there are some advantages with IVF.
Because you fertilize the eggs
outside the body,
you know what gender the embryo is
before you implant it.
So technically, you could choose
the gender of your baby, right?
It's pretty fucking cool, huh?
I told my wife, "Listen,
if you wanna choose the gender,
we can choose the gender, okay?"
"I'm just letting you know now,
whatever we choose,
it's gonna stay that one."
Uh
[audience laughing]
Yeah. They're not coming back here
15 years later,
"I identify as" I got paperwork.
I don't give a fuck what you identify as.
I spent 30 grand on a boy.
I'm getting a fucking boy, okay?
[audience laughing]
You wanna be a girl, you owe me 30 grand.
I raised you better than that.
You're not gonna steal from me.
I'll let you buy your freedom
for 30 grand.
You better go out there,
get a fucking job.
I recommend getting a job as a man
'cause women make 25% less.
But listen, this is the life you're
signing up for. I hope you're ready.
[scattered applause]
Now, IVF is very hard for the woman
because you basically
gotta trick the female body
into making way more eggs
than they normally make.
Women make how many eggs a month, miss?
Somebody said, "17."
She said, "I don't know."
Uh, it's one egg a month, right?
[audience laughing]
And this is why mansplaining exists. So
[audience laughing]
'Cause if we didn't tell you things,
you wouldn't know anything.
You'd be sitting around.
Like, "I should make a pie
and put it on a windowsill."
[audience laughing]
So you make one egg a month.
And when that egg does not become a baby,
it becomes your period.
That's that blood
that comes out of you every month.
Good. Okay. Just making sure. Okay.
With IVF, you gotta trick the female body
into making not one egg a month,
like 20 or 30.
How do you do that?
[woman] Shots.
Shots, or you could take them
to NBA All-Star Weekend.
[audience laughing]
Bro, you get these chicks
around max-contract players,
it's a fucking Pez dispenser
down there, right?
[audience laughing]
No, you're right. Shots, 100%.
You basically gotta shoot the women up
with the female hormones,
estrogen and progesterone.
You wanna increase those levels.
Those are that hormones
that make women women, right?
Testosterone is what makes men men.
So every morning, I inject my wife.
Every evening, I inject her.
Every morning, I inject her.
Every evening, I inject her.
And I'm sure this is a coincidence,
but the more woman juice
I would inject in my wife
[audience laughs]
What do you think happened
to her demeanor? If you could guess.
[audience laughing]
You think she became real logical, or
[audience and Andrew laugh]
"Oh my God, you're so good at parking
all of a sudden. How'd you get so good?"
[audience laughing]
You could think she went
batshit fucking crazy.
Option C, cunt. Uh
[audience laughing]
Thank God I had
some testosterone left over.
So many times she got a little too wild.
Bang, I just hit her with the T.
Not enough to box for Algeria
in the Olympics.
-Just enough to calm her down.
-[surprised reactions]
[scattered applause]
Just enough to calm her down.
"Where the fuck were you last night?"
[whoosh]
-"Oh my God!"
-[audience laughing]
"I feel so rational."
[audience laughing]
"Do you wanna hear a story
with no unnecessary details?"
[audience laughing]
"I was wrong."
[audience laughing]
Anyway, do that for a few weeks.
Then you do what's called the retrieval,
where they basically stick
this vacuum tube up inside your wife,
pop open an ovary, suck all the eggs out.
We did ours on Easter.
Easter egg hunt. Kinda fire.
-Uh
-[audience laughing]
And the only thing the dude has to do
for the whole IVF experience
is we just gotta jerk off.
That's the only thing.
A doctor calls you
to schedule your jerk-off.
That was one of the most
magnificent moments in my life.
A medical professional
called my cell phone
and said, "Mr. Schulz,
we need the nut."
[audience laughing]
And I was like,
"Where do you want it, Doc?"
[audience and Andrew laugh]
"I don't wanna play this game."
I go, "Fair."
"That is a completely fair reaction."
[audience laughing]
He goes, "We have an appointment
on the hour every hour
from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m."
"What time would you like?"
What time would you pick?
-[man] Two.
-2:00 p.m.
[scattered laughter]
This guy's nasty, bro.
[audience laughing]
2:00 p.m. You walk in,
the floor's a fly trap. Just
[imitates squishing]
There's cum graffitied all over the walls.
Stalagmites dripping from the ceiling.
The seat is sweaty. 2:00 p.m.?
He's still smiling and happy about it.
This is disgusting.
You don't even need lube.
You're just like [makes phlegmy noise]
[surprised laughter]
[Andrew laughing]
I'm not like you. I said 8:00 a.m.
First appointment, turn the AC down low.
I'm making that a Peloton class, right?
[audience laughing]
Now, tell me if I'm wrong to assume this.
I assume, since I have an appointment
for a time this specific
and an act this intimate,
that I'm gonna be the only one scheduled.
Is that a fair assumption?
Pretty fair. You wouldn't want there
to be two people in the waiting room.
[audience laughs]
Right? That might be
an awkward environment.
Both of us trying to avoid eye contact
and warming our hands.
[audience laughing]
I show up at 7:58 a.m.
There are 25 guys in the waiting room.
[audience laughing]
And every one of them thought
they were gonna be the only one there.
And I know that 'cause one guy's
charging a Fleshlight
in the middle of the fucking waiting room.
[audience laughing]
USB charger in the wall,
Fleshlight blinking.
I thought it was a hookah.
I thought we were gonna smoke and relax.
[audience laughing]
One dude brought
a small Asian woman. Genius.
[audience laughing]
I didn't even know that was legal
to bring a wringer, a professional.
[audience laughing]
Now, to be fair, it was his wife,
but I didn't know that.
I didn't know that
when I tried to go Dutch.
"Let me get the left hand
for five minutes, my boy."
"Just give me the nondominant. I just
need five minutes with that nondominant."
[audience laughing]
The mood in the waiting room,
somber.
[audience laughs]
It's halftime. We're down 40. It's bad.
[audience laughing]
Okay, everybody got their head
between their legs.
Nurse walks in. Same meatball nurse.
Calls my name. I walk up.
He sees me ten feet away.
He goes, "Schulzy!"
[audience laughing]
"Here to drop off the Tyrones?"
[audience laughing]
I go, "The Tyrones?"
He goes, "Yeah, they can't swim."
[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
-[scattered applause]
This guy's two for two in my book, okay?
Each one melts my soul,
but he's two for two.
[audience laughs]
He goes, "Don't worry, Schulzy.
All you need is one."
Hands me this clear plastic bag
with all the jerk-off paraphernalia.
It's got a cup,
some cream, some paperwork.
Points me in the direction
of the jerk-off room,
which I assume
is right next to the waiting room.
No. Other side of the hospital.
I gotta walk through the whole hospital
with a clear beat-off bag.
[audience laughing]
People are looking at me like I'm Cersei
walking through King's Landing.
"Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame!"
I'm feeling so uncomfortable,
I start jogging.
[audience laughing]
Now I just look really excited
to whack off at the hospital.
[audience laughing]
I finally get to my room.
The room is small.
It's from this speaker right here
to this speaker right here.
I walk in. First thing I notice, no TV.
Concerned.
[audience laughing]
I start looking for magazines.
No magazines. More concerned.
I take out my cell phone. No service.
[audience laughing]
I am panicking.
I haven't jerked off acoustic
in two decades.
[audience laughing]
You want me to go unplugged
at a moment like this?
Jerk off to memories,
like a serial killer?
[audience laughing]
Close my eyes and think of 2010.
No fucking way, Jos.
I'm looking for a crack in the drywall.
I'm about to Shawshank this nut out.
I'm going balls deep, Andy Dufresne.
[audience laughing]
I can't exactly walk
back to the waiting room
and be like, "Who got the Wi-Fi?"
[audience laughing]
"Let me warm up
that Fleshy for you, my boy."
[audience laughing]
I'm panicking
'cause if I don't get this nut out,
we can't fertilize the eggs,
I fail my wife, and all I had to do
was fucking jerk off.
Now there is a window in the room
that's covered, obviously.
All of a sudden, the window slides
open from the outside.
On the outside,
fine-ass Latina nurse
starts telling me what to do.
[Latin American accent]
"Sir, you have to fill out the paperwork."
[audience laughing]
[audience continues laughing]
[scattered applause]
[normal voice]
I start jerking off immediately.
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "This gotta be part
of the 30 grand for IVF!"
-[audience laughing]
-I'm role-playing with her.
[Latin American accent]
"Fill out the paperwork."
[normal voice] "I'll fill out your
green card, Esmeralda. Whatever you need!"
"We gonna make
two American citizens today."
"I'm feeling generous."
[audience laughing]
Turns out she's a real nurse.
She works for the hospital.
[Latin American accent]
"Sir, now is not the time to masturbate."
[audience laughing]
"Now is the time
to fill out the paperwork."
[audience laughing]
"When you finish fill out the paperwork,
then you masturbate into the cup."
[audience laughing]
"If you need the 'loop',
you can use the 'loop.'"
[audience laughing]
[normal voice] I go, "The loop?"
She goes
[Latin American accent] "The 'yelly.'"
[audience laughing]
"You can use the 'loop' or the 'yelly'
to masturbate into the cup."
[audience laughing]
[normal voice] Then she said this.
This fucked me up.
[Latin American accent]
"But do not use saliva."
[audience laughing]
[normal voice] I go, "Whose saliva?"
[Latin American accent] "Your saliva."
[normal voice] "I'm not jerking off
with my saliva. That's gay."
"Even though it's not, but it is."
You can't be jerking off
-[imitating spitting]
-[audience laughing]
Like some fucking infinity pool.
That's unhealthy.
[audience laughing]
What if somebody videotapes that shit,
puts it in reverse,
and now I'm just [imitating spitting]
[audience laughing and applauding]
That's a fucking liability!
What would the street say?
What would the street say?
[audience laughing]
I go, "I'm not using
my own saliva, Esmeralda."
[Latin American accent]
"Okay, pero don't do it."
[audience laughing]
"When you finish
masturbating into the cup"
[audience laughing]
"knock twice on the window.
I come collect the cup."
[normal voice]
I go, "Okay." She closes the window.
I throw so much "loop" and "yelly"
on my hands.
I look like I fisted a donkey.
I'm dripping to the wrists
in "loop" and "yelly."
I start whacking off.
I'm inventing masturbation techniques.
I'm doing Mr. Miyagi.
[audience laughing]
Octopus.
Banging my dick
on random shit in the room.
[audience laughing]
Anything I can to get this nut out.
By some miracle, I get to the point
where I'm about to bust.
I go to open the cup.
The cup has a childproof.
[audience laughing]
I have so much "loop" and "yelly"
on my hands.
[audience laughing]
I can't create enough
down pressure and twist
to get the childproof nut cup open.
I'm already fucking here
'cause I'm childproof.
We don't need more childproof
for the childproof.
-[audience laughing]
-[scattered applause]
I try to bite the top of the cup off.
I can't get it off.
Now I have "loop" and "yelly"
all over my lips and cheek.
[audience laughing]
I look like a golden retriever
playing with a tennis ball. I'm sick.
[audience laughing]
I'm freaking out.
If I can't get this nut out, we can't
fertilize the eggs. I fail my wife.
In this moment of panic,
I feel like my only recourse
is to knock twice on the window,
ask the fine-ass Latina nurse
if she would open the cum cup for me.
So out of respect,
I move my dick to the side.
I don't want her to slide open the window,
see my dick,
dive through, start sucking immediately.
Obviously, you know what she wants to do.
[Latin American accent]
"I'm hungry! Give it to me!"
[audience laughing]
[normal voice] Out of respect for my wife,
I move my dick to the side.
Knock twice on the window.
Fine-ass Latina nurse walks up.
Slides open the window
to see a man at an awkward angle
[audience laughing]
holding a cup that's never been opened
[audience laughing]
with a clear liquid shellacked
all over his lips and cheek.
[audience laughing]
And she just goes
[Latin American accent]
"Oh my God. It's impossible."
[audience laughing]
"Que no, que no, que no, it's impossible."
"I told you, masturbate into the cup!"
[audience laughing]
"We cannot collect it from your estomach."
[audience laughing]
[normal voice] At this point, I realized
she thinks I sucked my own dick
inside the sperm-retrieval facility.
[audience laughing]
Like some practical joke I'm playing
on fertility clinics.
-"Ta-da!"
-[audience laughing]
"Not going in my wife's belly.
It's already in mine. Too late."
It's the most embarrassing moment
of my life.
Keep in mind,
I still need to provide a sample.
I'm begging her,
"Please. No, it's not what you think."
"It's the 'loop' and 'yelly.'
I couldn't open"
She doesn't believe me,
opens the cup begrudgingly,
slams it down, closes the window.
I start trying to jerk off again.
All of a sudden,
I can hear her through the window,
telling the whole hospital
[audience laughing]
I've been sucking my own dick
inside the sperm-retrieval facility.
[audience laughing]
I'm stroking away. I hear
[Latin American accent]
"He's going back for more."
[audience laughing]
"I can't believe it. He's insatiable."
[audience laughing]
"I knew he a dick-sucker.
That's why I say, 'No saliva.'"
"I knew he gonna use it."
[audience laughing]
"He don't even swallow.
He shoot it on his face."
"He's painting in there. He's painting."
[audience laughing]
[normal voice] But, by some miracle,
I was able to get a nut out,
and we were able to fertilize eggs.
-That was fucking cool.
-[cheering and applause]
Yeah. That was cool.
Yeah!
[applause continues]
Went back and found out
we made, uh, nine embryos,
which was awesome.
We told the doctor, "Yo, just put
the strongest one we got in there."
"We're not choosing the gender.
Just put whatever we got. The strongest."
I'm in the room. He takes the embryo.
He puts it in my wife.
The second he puts it in,
I'm like [moans]
And
-[audience laughing]
-Doctor's like, "What are you doing?"
I'm like, "I want some part of this
to feel traditional."
"So I'm gonna hold you, you hold her,
and we'll just conga-line
this thing into existence, okay?"
[audience laughing]
He goes, "Okay,
there's a 60% chance this works."
"Unfortunately, 40% of time,
it doesn't work."
"We won't know it's worked
until we hear the heartbeat,
so we just gotta wait
weeks and weeks for that."
We go, "Okay." We leave.
Very excited, nervous. Okay?
Couple weeks go by. My wife goes,
"I wanna take a pregnancy test."
I said, "Listen, the doctor said
we should wait for the heartbeat."
Then my wife did what any wife would do,
is just listen with obedience and respect.
[audience laughing]
So I went out,
and I got that pregnancy test, right?
[audience laughing]
Throughout this process, my wife
has probably taken 30 pregnancy tests.
None have gone the way we wanted.
She cries every single time.
I feel horrible
'cause I'm putting her through this.
But this time, I got to watch my wife
look at her first positive pregnancy test.
It was pretty fucking cool.
Yeah. It was fire.
-[cheering and applause]
-It was fire.
[applause continues]
Bro, I was so excited,
I grabbed it out of her hand.
-I kissed that shit.
-[audience laughing]
Pee all over it. Didn't give a fuck.
And after having the urine of someone
I love, respect, and admire on my body,
free R. Kelly, bro.
-It's really not as bad as it seems.
-[surprised laughter]
It's a warm reposado.
Wash it down with a lime.
[audience laughing]
We see that pregnancy test.
We're over the moon.
We're so fucking excited.
Every day, we get a little more excited.
A few more weeks go by.
One morning, my wife wakes me up.
She goes, "Oh my God,
I just had the worst nightmare."
Immediately, I'm like, "Okay, I must've
cheated on you in your dream again."
[audience laughing]
'Cause that's all my wife dreams about,
is me fucking other women.
Every night, she dreams
about me fucking other women.
And it's like, how do I dream? Like
-You know what I mean? Like
-[audience laughing]
"Why don't you teach me how to do that?
That sounds fucking awesome."
"When I dream, my teeth fall out,
my towel falls off. Those are my dreams."
"In your dreams, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio
on ten BlueChews
at the Victoria's Secret show, right?"
[audience laughing]
When my wife has a traumatic dream,
I say, "Listen,
the best way to get through it
is just to tell me in detail
what was happening." Right? Like
"Does she give me head?"
"No? She didn't either?
Interesting. Okay, got it."
"So even in your nightmare,
it's my nightmare. Look at that."
[audience laughing]
She goes, "No, I didn't have
a dream of you cheating on me."
She goes, "I had a nightmare
I had a miscarriage."
Obviously, very concerning.
I try to comfort her.
I go, "Hey, it's okay, babe."
"This is on your mind.
It's been a difficult process for us."
"Everything's gonna be okay."
She gets up to use the bathroom.
There's blood everywhere.
Freaking out. Terrified.
No clue what's going on.
Calling the hospital,
finally get in touch with them.
They say, "Get here as soon as you can."
We get in the Uber.
On the way to the hospital.
Finally arrive.
We go into the room, and we're waiting
for the doctor to do the ultrasound
to see if he can hear a heartbeat, okay?
Uh
And I start apologizing to my wife.
I go, "I'm so sorry."
She goes, "Why are you sorry?"
And I go, "Well, this is my problem."
"You bear the burden of it,
and I can't protect you from that."
"I'm just really sorry."
And she says maybe the coolest thing
anybody's ever said to me
in probably the hardest moment
of her life.
She goes, "Andrew,
you don't have problems anymore."
"We have problems,
and we'll figure them out together."
It was pretty cool.
-[applause]
-Um
[applause continues]
Now, my wife is a very private person,
but she's agreed to let me share something
with you tonight if you'd like to see.
[cheering and applause]
Play that video.
-Okay, ready?
-All right, go.
[guitar gently playing]
Oh my God! [gasping]
I knew it.
I saw a man just laugh it off
But in his eyes, there was a battle
He hopes it isn't lost
In his heart, he needs this most
And if it's stolen from his hands
Who knows
[music swells]
[music fades]
[heartbeat whooshing]
[Andrew] Oh my God.
-[cheering and applause]
-[gentle music playing]
[laughs]
[Andrew] Oh my God.
[reel whirring]
-[baby crying]
-[audience cheering and applauding]
[baby cries]
[Andrew] Go, give me kisses.
[gentle music continues]
Isn't she?
[Andrew] It means "gift from God."
[music fades]
[cheering and applause]
Thank you.
[applause continues]
Thank you very much, man.
And if there's anybody out there
going through a similar thing,
uh, I would just like to encourage you,
because the light
at the end of the tunnel,
when you finally get to see your child,
it will make you forget
everything you endured to get there.
So I wish you the best of luck,
and God bless.
-[cheering and applause]
-Um, yeah.
[applause continues]
Okay, I got two more things to tell you.
Number one.
My wife just had Shiloh.
We're in the room.
We told all our friends and family.
So excited.
Uh
And I keep thinking about one person
I really wanna tell.
And it's the meatball.
[audience laughing]
And I know it sounds crazy,
but this guy made me laugh hard twice
at some of the darkest moments in my life.
And laughter's given me everything.
I was like, "I just need him to know
that it worked out."
I start asking around the hospital.
I'm like, "Hey, there's this nurse
who was helping us."
"Any way you could ask
this nurse to come by the room?"
We get a knock on the door.
And it's the Latina nurse.
[audience laughing]
I'm just fucking with you.
I'm just fucking.
[audience laughing]
Imagine she walks in,
sees my wife with a baby.
[Latin American accent] "Impossible!"
[audience laughing]
[normal voice] No.
No, it was the meatball.
He heard the good news. He comes in.
He's on ten. He's so excited.
He goes, "Oh my God. Congrats, guys."
"And you know what? We got five more
on ice whenever you're ready."
[audience laughing]
At first, I laughed,
but then I heard the number.
I was like, "Five?"
We had nine embryos. One is right there.
"The fuck happened to the other three?"
[audience laughs]
And then, it hit me.
That's his hustle.
[audience laughing]
This motherfucker is stealing embryos
from fertility clinics,
selling them to Chinese restaurants
to put in soup
or whatever you do with them.
[audience laughing]
That's what I would do.
It's called egg drop soup for a reason.
Look at the menu!
[audience laughing]
I go up to him, "Yo, yo,
what happened to the other three?"
He goes, "Unfortunately,
we did more testing on those,
and three of them were not viable."
I go, "What does that mean?"
He goes, "We wouldn't feel comfortable
implanting them."
I go, "Why not?"
"It's just not something we would do."
I go, "Yeah, but why?"
"We just wouldn't feel comfortable."
[audience laughing]
I go, "But why?"
"It's just not something
we would do here."
[audience laughing]
"Why won't you tell me what the fuck
is up with those three eggs?"
[audience laughing]
The meatball has, like,
a bro moment with me.
He, like, turns around,
closes the door,
walks back,
leans in, and goes,
"They're retarded."
[audience and Andrew laughing]
Now, keep in mind,
I don't know if he means retarded
like we said it growing up
or actually retarded.
I ask him, "What do you mean, retarded?"
He goes, "Retarded." Bro!
[audience laughing]
Medical professional. Full nurse's outfit.
Chicken wing with a gang sign, bro.
"Ice cream!"
[audience laughing]
I'm feeling defensive.
"What if we wanna make one of them?"
He goes, "We can't do it."
I go, "But what if I have a farm
and we need someone strong?"
[audience laughing]
To roll the hay or wake up the roosters.
[audience laughing]
"Cock-a-doodle-doo, who's this?"
"Ice cream!"
[audience laughing]
He goes, "We can't do it."
I go, "What do you do with them?"
He goes, "Flush them."
[surprised laughter]
That means, wherever the sewage
in this city drains out,
there is a colony
[audience laughing]
of Teenage Mutant Ninja Retards.
[audience laughing]
What I'm trying to say is
that's Staten Island.
-That's the scientific
-[audience laughing]
Thank you so much, New York.
-God bless you all. Thank you so much!
-[cheering and applause]
-[jazz music playing]
-This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
I'm gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine, Lord
Gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine
Oh
Everywhere I go
I'm gonna let it shine
Everywhere I go
I'm gonna let it shine
Everywhere I go
I'm gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine
Let it shine, let it shine
Gonna let it shine
Let it shine, let it shine
This little light of mine, Lord
I'm gonna let it shine
[music fades]