Angry Angel (2017) Movie Script

- Please make sure
your seatbelt is fastened.
We ask that you keep
your seatbelt fastened
while seated in case
we encounter
some unexpected turbulence.
- Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Hey. [whistles]
You've lit the spark.
Might as well keep
the fire burning.
- Ma'am, I've just served you.
- I don't need anything
complicated--just another
one of these teeny tiny
bottles of bourbon--two.
- I'll catch you
on the way back.
[mischievous string music]
- I used to be afraid
of flying.
I couldn't help but think
of how this big metal tube
was probably gonna crash
right back to Earth.
I still think about
how the plane might crash.
In fact, this one
actually will,
and I just don't care anymore.
My name's Allison Pyke--
at least, that's my name now.
And I'm already dead, so
I could crash all the damn day,
and I don't care at all.
[plane rattles,
passengers gasp and chatter]
[tense, discordant music]
There's a gremlin on the wing.
The engine's on fire.
[flames boom,
passengers scream]
- This is your captain
We're having some
slight engine trouble,
and we'll be returning
to the airport shortly.
- What's happening?
- I don't know.
- Baby.
Baby, can you hear me?
Are you there?
- Hey, any luck
on that bourbon?
I'm an angel now.
Yup, seriously.
But being an angel
isn't a reward.
It's a punishment.
Like, when you're an all-around
great person,
you die, you go up there.
When you're like a B, B-minus
person, you become an angel
and get a sentence on Earth,
and that sentence
is a number of points,
and you get points
when you perform a miracle.
It's a little like
a prison with time off
for good behavior.
You know,
but it could be worse.
I never flew first class
when I was alive.
Hell, I never got
out of Nebraska.
[doo-wop Christmas music]
The second I'm old enough,
I'm getting the hell out
of Nebraska.
- What's better than Nebraska?
- This is my best friend,
New York.
And this is me.
Yep, I used to be
a white girl with a uni-brow.
- I'd like to go to New York
and see the giant piano
from "Big."
- Fine.
Here. Open it.
- That our love
was all wrong
- Wow.
This is a truly terrible gift.
Something worse for you.
- This Christmas
- Wow!
These are the kind
truckers pee in.
I'm gonna go see if they work.
- So I was a weird white girl
with a uni-brow,
and somehow, I had no idea
Patrick had a major crush
on me...until a few
Christmases later.
[Tchaikovsky's "Dance of
the Sugar Plum Fairy"]
I'm sorry I'm late.
It's a commemorative
porcelain plate
featuring the portraits
of the members
of the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
- Can I kiss you?
- In case you were wondering,
he got me a pair
of talking parrot earrings
and a case of iguana food.
I found my soul mate
when I was 15.
We were excited to spend
the rest of our lives
which turned out
to be way shorter for me
than for Patrick.
But back to our story.
- We lost both the engines!
We're gonna make
an emergency landing!
- Here's a good travel tip:
they don't charge
for sandwiches on flights
if everyone thinks
they're gonna die.
- I love you so much.
I'll see you
in heaven, my angel.
- If only it were that easy.
Oh! Here we go.
- Brace for impact.
- We're gonna die.
- [scoffs] I wish.
[playful, thrilling music]
Hi, guys.
Sorry about this.
I'm taking over.
- It is truly a miracle
on the river.
- The hero pilot who saved
hundreds of lives
all by himself...
- So I landed in the river.
Sue me.
I'm not a professional pilot.
But they needed me.
They needed someone
who could get things done
and didn't care
if they lived or died...
'cause you can't die twice.
[phone chimes]
[sighs pleasantly]
This was 2008,
right after I had died.
40,000 down, 10,000 to go.
I was on my way out
of here in no time.
[festive jingling music]
But since then, my miracles
have slowed down...a lot.
Excuse me.
[scoffs] Excuse me.
The sidewalk is not wide.
You move your feet
to make it work.
One foot in front of the other.
You've done it your whole life.
Here you are, sir.
Two points?
What are these papers?
Permits to demolish
an orphanage?
[phone chimes]
- Red and yellow
And blue and green
- Ugh, come on.
In the past nine years,
I've barely gained
any points at all.
Jason, my angel advisor,
thinks it's because
I have a bad attitude.
Other angels call me
a one-miracle wonder
behind my back.
You know, but I say screw them.
It's not my fault.
The Universe is against me.
Screw the Universe too.
- Christmas is
waiting for you
- And I just lost 15 points
for saying that.
Who knew the Universe
was so sensitive?
- I know it's a bummer you have
to work Christmas,
but there's going to be big
tips, so, you know,
there's that, okay?
- [whispering]
I don't ask for much.
You know, just that
you start work on time.
- Well, Connie, I told you,
with my schedule,
I need a floating
15-minute window.
- Yeah, but you're
two hours late.
- Well, from my perspective,
it's an hour 45.
It's kind of a raw deal
being an angel.
I mean, we're charged
with performing
these important
miracles on earth,
but we still need
food and shelter
and all that crap, and so
we have to have jobs too.
I mean, you'd think someone
in the afterlife
could at least pay
my credit card bills.
This music is total garbage.
[pop-rock music playing]
- Oh, my God,
what are you doing?
I like that song.
What are you,
Scrooge in skinny jeans?
- [scoffs] They're just
all so stupid.
And the worst one is
"12 Days of Christmas."
- Well, I guess I'm
an idiot then,
because my grandma and I would
sing it together every December
up until she died,
and it's really the only thing
that I have left of her.
- Okay, can we just start over?
- Oh, sure.
How about you take
that coffee pot, go over
to your favorite regulars,
give them a little
- I don't wanna be
on my own tonight
- Hey.
How are you guys doing?
- I like your shirt.
- I never got attention
like this in my old body.
easy listening music]
Excuse me.
Where am I?
- Hi, Megan.
- Yeah, that's me.
Where the hell am I?
Am I...
- [mouthing word]
both: Dead.
- Yes, dead.
You're very dead.
Now, if you will follow me,
we have got
a lot of work to do.
[chuckles, clicks tongue]
- I recognize you, right?
Did you go to school
with my uncle Don?
- No.
No, I'm, uh...
I'm Jason Biggs.
I did that big teen movie
in the late '90s.
- It's not ringing any bells.
- Really?
Okay, well, I did many
other movies.
Also some TV shows...
uh, Broadway--
a couple of times.
Also off-Broadway.
Off-off-Broadway once, but...
some modeling
when I was a kid.
Nothing? Huh.
I usually bat 1,000
with dead Americans 18 to 49.
- And you died when I died?
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I died many years ago
at the ripe old age
of 96 in Ukraine.
Yeah, I didn't start acting
until I came back
to Earth as an angel.
- You're an angel?
- Yeah.
Most celebrities are
actually angels in disguise.
Yeah, it, uh--
you know, it helps--
thanks, Brenda.
It helps with access
and, you know, gets us
into places mortals cannot.
Sign there and there.
Drake is an angel.
- Mm.
You know her?
She's an angel.
She's a good one.
- Ooh, is that a trial?
- Yep.
That's angel court.
- Like "Judge Judy"?
'Cause, you know,
I always imagined God
like an all-knowing Judge Judy.
- It is nothing like
"Judge Judy."
No, angel court is more
like "Judge Joe Brown."
who's ready to get
their new body?
That's a rhetorical question.
The answer is you.
So after we die,
our souls change bodies.
I got this one--lucky me--
and you're about
to get a new one of your own.
Just enter that changing room,
close the curtain,
and press three random buttons.
Now, I know you must have
a lot of questions
about how it all works...
- I have a million questions.
- But we don't have time.
I'm being interviewed
by Kelly Ripa in,
like, an hour,
so, if you would...
Yep, just...
Uh-huh. yeah.
Seriously, it's, like,
in a half hour now.
[machine humming strangely]
See the buttons?
- Yes.
- Great.
Hit three of them.
[buttons clicking]
[machinery clicks]
[sighs] Son of a...
Oh, come on!
I've asked the Universe, like,
a dozen times to fix this.
[grunts, sighs]
[groaning] Oh, God!
All right.
Unnecessary, you guys.
All right, now...
I'm just warning you,
you might be in
for a bit of a shock.
I knew someone
who went from a short,
hunched, bald doctor in Kiev...
to a New Jersey heartthrob.
- Oh, my God.
[pleasant piano melody]
- [chuckling]
- [gasps]
How many sit-ups does
this girl do a day?
- Well, this girl is you.
How many sit-ups
do you do a day?
- So...this is...heaven?
- [stammering]
No--oh, no, no, no.
No, Heaven...
Heaven is right over there.
[quirky string music]
- Heaven is...clouds?
- It's behind the--
it's behind the clouds.
- Well, I don't see anything.
- I wasn't expecting it
to be so overcast.
It's a little...little gray.
But it's there.
Imagine a place with
no sadness, with no struggle,
where everything
you could want...
is right at your fingertips.
- So it's like Olive Garden.
- What?
- [exhales] I'm ready.
- [laughs sharply] You're cute.
No, we're not--
you're not ready right now.
You're not--you're--
you don't actually get
to go there--not yet.
You know, you lived
a good life,
but not that good.
The Universe still thinks
you have some work to do.
[poppy Christmas music]
- So chop-chop I did, knocking
out miracles in New York City,
but all work and no play
makes for a dull angel,
so I found myself a playmate.
Hey, sexy.
- You know what today is, Pyke?
- Uh, Tuesday?
- No, it's Saturday--the 23rd.
[bell dings]
I've been working
here for a year,
which means...
we've been
hanging out for a year.
- Has it been a year?
Happy sexual-versary.
What is the official gift
for one year
of emotion-free sex?
- Traditionally,
it's a wink and a thumbs-up,
but I went ahead
and broke convention...
I got you a high five.
- I got you the same thing.
[both chuckle]
Now let's celebrate
with dinner.
I'm free tomorrow night.
- Really? On Christmas Eve?
That would be great, 'cause--
- Ooh, I have to cancel.
Sorry, Barker.
- That's kind of weird,
'cause you just said
you were free, and--
- Yeah, I know,
but Christmas Eve dinner feels
very couple-y, and...
- Yeah.
- We're not a couple, so...
best not to confuse things.
- Got it.
- Suzie wants a sleigh
- Do you ever want
more from this?
- I don't know, Barker.
Tell me.
What more do you want from me?
A quickie
in the storage closet?
- Okay, I see
what you're doing here.
You're trying to avoid
intimacy through sex,
and I'm actually
at my job, so--
[phone chimes]
- Mm-hmm-hmm--mm-hmm...
Oh! I have to go.
- Weird, 'cause I was gonna
reject you anyway.
You know, we're at work
during business hours.
The last five times,
I swore...
I would never do that again.
- Connie, I need to take off
the rest of the day.
- But that would imply
you worked some of the day.
- Sorry, but it's
life or death.
- Who's gonna die
if you finish your shift?
- A guy at Madison and 22nd.
- [stammers, sighs]
- [grunts] Excuse me.
- Oh, come on, Leonard.
Let me have this one.
- Ah, Heaven likes those
who hustle.
Got to go!
- [sighs]
- [in sing-song]
Sorry...coming up...
- [panting]
- All right, here we go.
- [wheezing]
- [laughs] Are-are--
are you serious?
That was, like,
200 feet, if that.
- I haven't run in years.
I mean, no need to get
into shape when your body just
always magically stays
the same shape.
[mysterious chiming music]
- See, that's your problem.
You don't take
this job seriously.
You want to get up there,
you got to be ready
for any miracle
that comes your way,
and that means
you got to be strong.
- Well, how's this for strong?
- Okay.
Pyke, stop.
You're touching me.
Look, you have
10,000 points to go.
This isn't gonna make
a dent for you.
I, on the other hand,
am almost back up there.
[phone beeps, man screams]
Oh--all right, move out--
- Leonard, dibs.
- Move out of my way.
[man screaming]
- [grunts]
- It's all right.
You're safe now.
Have a good day, sir.
[phone chimes]
[building pop-rock music]
Did he just check his pockets
to see if I stole his wallet?
- Yep.
- Tough out here,
being a black angel.
- Mm-hmm.
- Bright lights
are shining
- Hey, when you said
you were almost back up there,
what'd you mean?
I mean,
you've been there already?
- What, you really
don't remember me
telling you this?
- No.
- Everything was perfect
until I got kicked out.
- Wait,
I didn't know angels
got kicked out.
- Yeah, about 10%
of all the angels on Earth
got kicked out of Heaven.
Don't you read
my angel union emails?
- There's just so many.
They're like the LinkedIn
invite of the afterlife.
Hi, can I get a large,
triple-shot caramel mocha,
extra whip,
and go crazy on the drizzle.
- And I'll just
get a black coffee.
Keep the change.
- I can eat whatever I want
without gaining weight.
What part of that
do you not understand?
- [laughing] Okay, just because
you can do something
doesn't mean you should.
- Yeah, I disagree
with every part
of that advice.
- Mm...
- So what did you think
of Heaven?
- Oh, my gosh--Heaven, it's--
it was a perfect paradise,
and then...
after a century,
I just got bored.
I started to act out.
I stole Gandhi's Ferrari, I--
- Wait.
Gandhi has a Ferrari?
- Oh, baby, Gandhi is super
materialistic up there.
But he left the keys
in the ignition--like,
what was I supposed to do?
- I get it.
- Right?
- I get it.
- Gandhi, Lincoln--FYI,
they run Heaven.
- Oh, well, tell me more.
- I don't know.
I messed up.
I took all of that perfection
for granted,
and it wasn't until
I came back down here
that I realized how good
I had it up there.
- Leonard?
- Yes.
- Your order's up.
- Thank you so much.
- Do you think I'll ever
get up there?
- Not a chance.
I'm-I'm just saying.
Hey, you--
I've seen a lot of angels
get to Heaven,
and the ones that get up there
are the ones
who really want to.
- [scoffs sharply]
What does that mean?
I mean, of course
I want to get up there.
I'm really bad at my job...
- [laughs]
I've kept distance
from everyone.
No real relationships,
no real friends--
Well, except you...
I guess.
- "I guess"?
Look, you don't
show initiative.
That's your problem.
You don't!
Okay, tell me:
when's the last time
you did a miracle on your own,
without the app?
Stuff like that
gets noticed.
The Universe,
the guys upstairs,
they're looking for you
to prove something.
And you'd know this if you
attended any of the meetings.
- There are meetings?
- Pyke, you're so bad at this.
[indistinct voice over PA]
- 11th Street Station.
Transfers available for
the J, M, and Z lines.
- Oh! Ma'am!
- Oh--
- I think you dropped this.
- Thank you so much.
- Aw, you're welcome.
I find it's the little gestures
like this
that really add up in the end.
- You're a real angel.
- [laughs]
- Two points?
Ugh, damn it.
"Turn Up The Love"]
Hey, Barker.
What are you up to?
Listen, I'm just gonna
interrupt you
and get to the point:
I'm coming over.
See you in 30.
- What's up
on the other side?
Is it greener?
Is it better?
- Thanks.
- [exhales]
I needed that.
I kind of had a tough day.
It feels good to hang out
with a friend.
- [chuckles] Oh, yeah?
Is that what we are?
'Cause your last ten texts
to me just say, "you up?"
- [chuckles] Look, I care about
you in a non-romantic way.
That's what I'd call a friend.
- All right.
Let me ask you a question.
- Mm.
- What's my first name?
- Some new stakes,
some new stones
- I want to say...Colton.
- Mm, nope.
It's James.
- Oh.
Okay then, James.
Ah, nope.
It's weird.
Barker, you, uh...
you mind if I stay over?
It's coming down
pretty hard out there.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Wow.
Somebody finally wants
to sleep over.
- Don't make a big deal
about it.
And please,
do not spoon me.
The last thing I need
is you draped over my back
like a meat blanket.
- Nope, nothing romantic.
Just a couple friends
sharing the same bed
that they just had sex in.
Night, Pyke.
- Night, Barker.
I know this afterlife thing
seems like a pretty good deal.
I get to eat whatever I want,
live in New York,
have great sex, be hot.
You know, but it gets old
after a while.
You know, I feel like
but stuck forever.
You know, I can't have a life,
because I'm trying to leave,
and that can happen
at any moment.
I also can't have a life
technically, I'm dead.
The rule is, you can't
contact anyone
from your old life--
no one.
Parents, siblings, friends.
Like, I can't see them,
I can't ask how they're doing.
They can't know about
any of this.
If I contact anyone,
I lose all of my points.
I can't see my husband.
I can't call Patrick
and be like, "Don't be sad.
I have a waitress job
and great hair, so I'm fine."
Like, I'm not supposed to,
but I check up on Facebook.
Most angels aren't on Facebook,
so I haven't gotten caught.
[touching piano music]
[inhales deeply, sniffs]
Man, this girl likes
a lot of soup.
- Huh?
What soup?
[birds tweeting,
dog barking]
Aww, hey, sleepyhead.
Time to wake up.
- [murmurs]
- I made you
a little breakfast.
- Well, thank you.
- Yeah.
Yeah, the eggs are
totally organic--
locally and ethically
raised hens,
so, we're good.
- Oh, great.
Wow--never seen your bedroom
in the daylight before.
What's with all this
Parisian crap?
- Do you really want to know,
or are you just
gonna make fun of me?
- No, we are having
a real conversation.
I'm taking it seriously.
- Hm.
Well, it's always been a dream
of mine to go to France.
- Why would I make fun of that?
Just because you share
the same dream
as every
basic 12-year-old girl.
[giggles] Do you also dream
of holding hands
with Harry Styles and
brushing your horse's mane?
- Oh, see, see, see?
I knew it.
I knew you couldn't be nice to
me for more than five seconds.
- Oh, I can be nicer to you
for a lot longer than that.
- Nope.
I gotta save my strength
for my morning run to Maspeth.
- You are gonna leave me
and this warm bed
to go running around
some abandoned buildings
in the snow?
- Yeah.
I like to run
where I can have some space
to think.
It's what I do.
[phone chimes]
- Hmm...
oh, looks like
I have to go too.
I'm trying this new strategy of
showing some ambition at work.
- Oh, that'll make
Connie happy.
- Oh, God--not at the bistro.
You know, I told you--
at my other job--you know,
the one that's getting me
closer to, uh...Nebraska.
- Hey, so while
you're swallowing
that breakfast whole
like a duck,
there's something that
I want to talk to you about.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm cooking
a little Christmas
dinner tonight
for a few friends--
preparing everything fresh,
even the eggnog.
my homemade eggnog recipe
is the best.
It's the perfect ratio
of rum to nog.
- Mmm.
- Anyway,
it would mean a lot to me
if you were there.
- Barker, this was delicious,
but I told you before,
my schedule at this other job
is very demanding.
It's a lot of work
to get to Nebraska.
I just--I can't make
plans like that.
I'm sorry.
- I think it wouldn't be
that hard to get to Nebraska.
- Ugh, believe me,
it's nearly impossible.
- Look, just promise me
whenever you do leave,
you'll talk to me first.
- Promise.
Bye, Barker.
[door slams closed]
[determined music]
Hi--oh, my God,
the memories.
- What?
- I lived in this exact room.
I didn't decorate it with quite
as many old bowls
of cereal, but...
- Who are you?
- I'm Allison, class of '99.
You look like guy.
Are you perhaps working
on an important project
on your computer?
Something big, maybe?
Bigger than Facebook
or Candy Crush?
Something the world
desperately needs?
- How did you know?
- You have that air about you.
string-plucking music]
You know,
when I was back in school,
I accidentally fried
my computer?
You know, you really should
get a surge protector.
Problem solved.
Six points?
I thought you said
you were working on something
that the world needed.
- I am.
It's a love song.
- I am so angry right now,
I think I might throw up.
- Yo, Pyke, what's good?
[horn honks, carolers sing]
Oh, no, you can't park here.
You got to keep going.
Thank you so much.
Merry Christmas.
[horn honking]
The finger's not necessary.
- Are you on a parking job?
- Don't judge me.
I got to grind out
these points somehow.
Mother of three needs a space
in front of her pediatrician.
- Look, I need your advice on
an unsanctioned love miracle.
- Showing initiative.
I like it.
Hey, and Pyke,
those points can be huge
if the couples
are well matched.
- Unfortunately, I think
this guy's one of a kind.
- Well, it's not like
I can help you anyway.
Pyke, you know I'm not good
with the emotional stuff.
My dad, he raised me
old-school, okay?
When he was on his deathbed,
I said good-bye
with a handshake.
- Look, can you just tell me
how the other angels do it?
- Yes.
The ones who succeed--
oh, my gosh.
You are hilarious.
There's cute spots down there.
I promise.
carolers: Bring us
some figgy pudding
Yes, the ones who succeed
usually have a natural sense
of compassion and empathy,
so... [laughs]
You're screwed.
- [exhales forcefully]
Okay, so tell me
about this girl you like.
- Katie.
She's this...
this girl... I like.
- Okay, well,
does she like you?
- Oh, we've never
actually spoken,
but I spent the last two weeks
writing her this song
for Christmas.
I'm a DJ--mostly ambient dub,
but also a little Euro-trance.
[bubbly electronic music
[to the tune of "O Holy Night"]
Oh, Katie
Your star is
brightly shining
It is the night
of our dear Katie's birth
- Katie, Katie, Katie, Katie.
Katie, Katie.
- A thrill of hope
- Katie.
- My weary heart rejoices
- That's--okay, yeah--
- Yonder breaks
a new glorious...
- That's good--thank you,
Thank you.
what inspired...this?
- I see her every day,
and it's like...
she's the best.
So this song is like my secret
that I'm finally ready
to share with her.
- Where does this Katie live?
- 239, across the hall.
- [inhales heavily]
[sobs dramatically]
[mischievous music]
[sobbing softly]
- [sobs] Katie, I've...
I've left him.
He's all yours.
- Left who?
- Jesse.
My boyfriend Jesse.
- Jesse?
From down the hall?
I've never even spoken to him.
- I can feel
the chemistry from here.
Take good care of him.
He knows how to make a girl
feel really special.
Just enjoy it.
[sweet acoustic guitar music]
[phone chimes]
What is happening?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I did it.
[children's choir singing
"Ding Dong Merrily on High"]
- Glo-o-o-oria,
- Gloria, gloria
Hosanna in the highest
E'en so,
here below, below
- Pyke.
- Oh, hi.
- You did it.
And it only took you
nine years--
one of my longest projects
so they sent me to
congratulate you personally,
which was a bit of a hassle,
since I was on set, but...
- Oh, that's cool.
Like a local commercial?
- Like a television series
that'll be seen by millions
of people, but whatever.
We don't have time for this.
You have got to get
to the Newark bus station
and catch the 1:05
to Schenectady.
- Wait, wait, wait.
I'm taking a bus...
to Heaven?
In Jersey?
- Yeah, I know we're
supposed to say
the Universe does
everything for a reason,
but sometimes I think they just
make it up as they go along.
- [chuckles]
- Oh, and you've got to be
on that exact bus,
or your points go back to zero.
- Back to zero?
That's unnecessarily harsh.
- Well, there's precedent.
St. Francis of Assisi
went out drinking
after he finished his project,
got some girl pregnant.
Frankie, no bueno!
You can catch the C train
just around the corner.
It'll get you there on time--
if you hustle!
- Okay.
Ah--okay, well...
I guess I'm out of here.
- Go, please--
before they realize
what a mistake they made.
- I'll keep a pie warm for you.
- I always knew
you knew who I was!
- Hey.
- Yeah, it's me.
It's me.
Sorry, nope.
I got to get back to set.
No pictures.
- Excuse me--excuse me,
excuse me, excuse me.
No, no. [gasps]
I need one ticket
for the 1:05 to Schenectady.
- Okay, well, there's a 1:15.
Should be here any minute.
- No, no, no.
I need the 1:05--
that exact bus.
If I don't get on the 1:05 bus,
I can't go.
- In ten minutes,
there's a bus to Schenectady.
Get on it,
and you'll go Schenectady.
It's how buses work.
- [stammers]
- I need the 1:05.
- There is no 1:05.
It's Christmas Eve.
It's a holiday schedule.
And the next 1:05
to Schenectady is on the 26th.
Now, you can wait two days,
or, you know, you can wait
ten minutes for the 1:15.
- Yeah, Merry Christmas.
- You know what's funny?
If we were filming
a movie right now,
this would just be water.
[laughs] Isn't that crazy?
Just a little
inside of Hollywood for you.
[phone ringing]
Hi. What are you doing?
Are you on the bus?
- There is no 1:05 bus.
There is a 1:15 bus
because of Christmas.
The 1:05 isn't until the 26th.
- Okay, cool.
So, uh...
looks like you got
a two-day extension.
Enjoy it, and then get
back there on the 26th.
Margo, will you slice me off a
little more of that headcheese?
- Of course.
- A little bit.
- What is headcheese?
- You can take the boy
out of Ukraine...
[laughing] Right?
Thank you.
- How are you already
with a woman?
I left you
less than an hour ago.
- How?
beautiful women all over
this great country appreciate
the body of work
that I've put out over
the last 20, 25 years, okay?
Plus, I let them put it
on their social
if they promise not to tag me.
You're not gonna tag me, right?
- No.
- Okay.
[clears throat]
You know, Pyke,
I will never understand
why you got a job as a waitress
instead of trying
to become a celebrity.
What were you thinking?
- Well, I didn't plan on
being here for nine years.
Look, I lost everything
when I died.
Being an angel doesn't
make me happy like you.
- Yeah. we were.
[sighs] Like me.
- Are you crying?
- What?
[clears throat] Stop, stop.
I'm--no, I'm not crying.
[clears throat] I just got
a little...
headcheese stuck--
no, listen, Pyke.
Pyke, do not get
in trouble, okay?
You are still
considered active.
You can still lose points.
- Look, I am not gonna do
anything for the next two days.
I am going to lock my doors,
get into bed,
and watch
a "Real Housewife" or seven.
- Great.
[TOPS' "Cloudy Skies"]
[alluring indie rock music]
- I'm looking at
the cloudy skies
I look ahead
and see my sorrow
No choice
but to live tomorrow
Nothing else left to do
- Oh, crap.
- "Crap"?
"Oh, crap" what?
- Patrick?
- Who's Patrick?
Wait, Patrick--
your husband Patrick?
- Patrick.
- Yes?
- Pyke?
[gentle ringing music]
- I'm sorry, do I know you?
- Hi, babe.
Sorry I lost you
for a minute there.
I was just in the bathroom.
There was this really nice lady
sleeping on the floor,
but I just wanted to make sure
she wasn't exposing
herself any longer.
Who's this?
- I don't know.
I feel like
I've seen you before.
- We all know
the rules--all angels.
You cannot communicate
with anyone from your old life.
You know, it confuses
the whole life and death thing
and screws up the system.
Like, if by any chance you run
into someone
from your old life,
you must turn around
without saying a word,
and so that is exactly
what I'm gonna do.
Hi, Patrick.
I'm Allison Pyke.
- How do you know my name?
- I know because...
I'm an angel.
What I mean is, I'm a part
of a New York City
Christmas initiative for locals
to help out-of-towners
get around the city.
I am here to help
and show you the sights.
- Hmm...
[clears throat]
[whispering] Patrick,
remember what your dad
showed us online about
New York City scammers?
She could be trying
to get us into a van,
take us to a secure location,
steal our identities,
charge a bunch of things
on our credit cards,
and then get us
hooked on drugs.
- Sweetie, I think
you've been watching
too many Liam Neeson movies.
- Well, at least
in a Liam Neeson movie,
there'd be someone
protecting us.
Neither of our dads are
in good enough shape
to get revenge.
- Uh, guys, just so you know,
I can hear most
of what you're saying.
- See, this is exactly
why I wanted
to take a direct flight to JFK
instead of trying
to save a buck
on a cheap Internet bus deal.
These bus stations are
like magnets for con artists.
- Guys, look,
I'm not a con artist.
I'm not even a regular artist.
I'm just here to make sure
you have a nice Christmas.
That's my only job.
[hopeful music]
- I think it--
- We appreciate it--
we really do--but we've been
traveling all day, and anyway,
we have the nice people
at the Midtown Travel Suites
to show us around just fine.
- Siri, call
the Midtown Travel Suites.
[swanky music]
- I'm sorry, but it looks like
your reservation was cancelled.
- What?
- What?
- How can it be cancelled?
We just got here.
- Well, there's a note
right here.
You called, said you wouldn't
be able to stay here
because you had bedbugs,
and the bedbugs are crawling
all over your skin
because you're a gross person
who does gross things.
- That does not sound like her.
- No.
I never made
that phone call, okay?
I am not a gross person.
I've never done gross things.
I've never even passed gas in
front of another human being.
- Can you un-cancel it, please?
Just find us a room.
- We're all booked up.
It's Christmas, you know?
- Oh, my God.
You two again?
What an incredible coincidence.
- Oh, my God, the con artist.
- Is everything okay?
- They don't have a room
for us.
- I am so sorry.
You happen to be in luck.
I know an amazing Airbnb.
My boss, Connie's, place--
Upper West Side.
- Really?
'Cause that sounds amazing.
- So how about it?
- Uh, again, thanks so much,
but I think it's best
if we find our own way.
- Honey, we don't have
any other options.
- You can trust me.
- We can trust her.
- It's Christmas Eve.
Every hotel in the city
is gonna be booked.
You have nowhere to go,
and here I am,
willing to show you
a place to stay.
Or, you could find a dark,
cold, feces-smeared alleyway
and sleep on a bed
of rat carcasses.
You know, your choice.
- You hate feces.
- Fine.
- Ah, great! Luggage.
Oh, heavy.
You know, why don't you
carry your own luggage?
Patrick, there are a ton
of places I know you'd love.
- Oh, Jill actually wants
to see the tree
at Rockefeller Center first.
- Oh, yeah.
It's on my bucket list.
I've wanted to see it
since I was a little girl.
- Want to know
what's on my bucket list?
Never see stupid crap.
[sirens wailing]
- Are we any closer
to our place
on the Upper West Side?
- I mean, sure.
closer than you were yesterday.
So here we have a special place
in rock and roll history.
Lou Reed wrote the song
"Heroin" right here,
immediately after he bought
heroin from right over there.
- No way.
- Well, makes sense.
- Pyke, thank you
for this very detailed history
of the music of New York.
I mean, the stuff
about the Stooges
and Velvet Underground--
I was obsessed
with them in college.
- Yeah, I thought
you might like it.
- Okay, maybe we should
go back to a main road.
I think we're close
to the Empire State Building.
- So, Patrick, what made you
want to come to New York?
- Well, I've been planning it
for a long time--
since I was a teenager--
and...well, the timing
was finally right.
- The beard suits you.
- Thank you?
- Okay.
Uh, we might be able to see
the Statue of Liberty up here.
- Do you want to see
where Iggy Pop threw up
on Andy Warhol's entourage?
- Does David Bowie
wear eyeshadow?
[both laughing]
- I am sorry that I had
to cut the tour short
because of my blisters,
but I did not expect
to have to walk 12 miles.
You know, I want to keep
my feet fresh for ice-skating
at Rockefeller Center.
- Ah, New York has a way
of finding out who's tough
enough to handle it.
Plus, it gave us the perfect
excuse to sit down
and have a meal at one
of the best places
in all of New York.
The dumplings here
are transcendent.
- Dumplings?
- Oh, don't worry, Jill.
I ordered you soup.
I know it's your favorite.
- How do you know
that I like soup?
- Just based on that outfit.
[phone buzzes]
- Two order dumpling,
one order chicken feet soup.
- Mm.
- You don't have to eat that.
We could share dumplings.
- Nope.
That's...that's okay.
We are guests here,
and I do not want to
insult our hosts.
Okay, well,
I think I'm just gonna
go wash my hands.
Where's the bathroom?
- No bathroom.
- Oh, there's a donut shop
across the street.
- Do you need me
to go with you?
- No, no, no.
[clears throat]
- I'm so excited to get
to take you here.
These are gonna be the best
dumplings you've ever had.
- I've had a few dumplings
in my life.
- [laughs] Well, not these.
- Here goes.
- Ready?
- Mmm--oh, my God.
- Right?
- You were so right.
These are so good.
- So good.
[both laugh]
- Mmm.
- So, um...Patrick,
why, um...why is, um...
now the right time
to visit New York?
- I had a hard few years.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
You know?
And...I always wanted
to come to New York.
I've been talking about it
since I was a kid,
and I met Jill a few years ago,
and she said
she'd come with me.
I thought it would help,
you know?
To make peace with some stuff.
I feel like what
we're doing today,
it was the exact way
I wanted to see the city.
[chuckles] I mean, I could have
kept going for hours.
- [laughs]
- I just--
there's stuff on Jill's list
that she wants to see,
and I want to make her happy.
- Is she hard to make happy?
- No.
She's actually wonderful.
Honestly, I don't know
how I would have gotten through
the last few years without her.
[gentle music]
She wants to get married.
I want to marry her.
I-I'd love to.
I...I don't know
if I can marry anyone.
I was married before, and...
- Um, what was she like?
Your wife.
- She was...
[bell dings]
She was--
- Guys, so weird.
I just saw the guy who was
in that movie, you know,
where all of his friends
try to stop him
from marrying the wrong girl?
Oh, he had that--
he had old sitcom on TV
where he played a guy
living in New York
with his three friends.
- You literally just described
every old sitcom.
- She's talking about
Jason Biggs.
- Yes!
- Oh!
[bell dings]
- There she is.
We need to talk.
You can't do this.
- I'm not doing anything.
I ran into him,
and I haven't lost any points.
I've been checking.
- Yet.
But it's only
a matter of time.
No one is paying
any attention today,
because most of the bigwigs
are at a birthday party.
- Oh, right.
Yeah, that makes sense.
- Hi. Could you please
wrap this up for me?
- Huh?
Oh, no, no.
Not, um--not him.
It's also
this angel Carl's birthday.
He's a real sweetheart.
It's actually
a laser tag party.
That's not the point.
They are going to find out
up there if you do not
get rid of them right now.
- I'm handling it.
- You are not handling it.
You are the opposite
of handling it.
- [whispering]
That's Jason Biggs over there.
- If you say one word
to either of them
about who you really are
or what you do,
I'm authorized to take
all your points away.
- But you wouldn't do that...
because we are friends.
- [sighs]
Okay, look.
When I was being directed
by Woody...Allen...
- What other Woody could it be?
- I was having trouble
on a scene.
You know what he told me?
He said, "Jason.
"You are here to do a job,
"and all you have to remember
is to Do. That. Job."
See them on their way.
If you don't...
I can't help you.
[somber music]
- Okay, uh, change of plans.
I am sending you guys off
to the Upper West Side.
- Really? Are you sure?
I thought we--
- Can we...can we get
a picture with Mr. Biggs?
- Sure, of course.
But, you know,
why don't we take it outside?
The light's much
better out there,
and that way
I can hail you a cab.
- Okay.
- Say good-bye to your friends.
- [clears throat]
Bye, Patrick.
- Bye, Pyke.
[hopeful music]
- Bye, Jill.
- Okay, losing light.
- Whoo-hoo!
[phone chimes]
- [sighs]
- Hey, Pyke.
If I sound happy right now,
it's because I've been
sampling my homemade eggnog.
Don't tell anyone, but I added
a secret ingredient:
Maple syrup.
It's delicious.
We're drinking it tonight.
You're missing out.
[stirring piano melody]
- I got the cab to stop because
I forgot my leftover soup.
You know, it really
is quite good.
- Oh, hey, hon,
maybe we ask Pyke.
Do you know the best place
in New York
to get a glass of eggnog?
- I actually know
the perfect place.
How would you guys like to have
a genuine Christmas dinner
with the best homemade eggnog
you have ever tasted?
It's got maple syrup in it.
- We'd love to.
Thank you, yeah.
- Great. [sighs happily]
This is gonna be great.
[Johnny Staton's
"Ride On Santa"]
- When you guys try this
eggnog, you are going to flip.
- Are you sure that the host
didn't want us
to bring anything?
- We did.
- Laid in my bed
and I didn't say a word
Barker! Hey, Connie.
- I just pretend
That you wasn't heard
- Pyke?
I can't believe
you actually came.
- We brought soup.
She already ate half of it.
- Oh, soup.
Who'd you bring with you?
- These are two
Christmas orphans I found.
This is Patrick.
He is the best.
I totally vouch for him.
And that's Jill.
- Great.
The more, the merrier.
Well, I'll just get
a few more chairs in here.
No problem at all.
Guys, these are Pyke's friends.
- Yeah, let's go with friends.
- Guys.
- And, of course,
Wendell, Gwendolyn.
- Hi.
- You know Pyke.
- Patrick, I promised
you eggnog.
Hey, Connie.
- Hi, honey.
- Oh, God, I hate this song.
- No!
[dance music playing]
- Wow, Barker.
You really went all out.
You cooked up a feast.
- Oh, come on.
It was no big deal.
- I didn't realize you were
like the male Martha Stewart.
- I prefer male Julia Child,
but there's a lot
you don't know about me
besides my first name.
- Barker is better
and you know it.
- Hey, so no big deal,
but...I got you
a little something,
because I had a feeling
you'd show up.
Merry Christmas.
- Ain't got
no funny feeling
To be without you
- It's pretty special, right?
- I could use it now.
- Oh. You know,
there's rum in that already.
- Not enough.
Merry Christmas, Barker.
- Okay.
- Yeah...
- You are going to love it.
- Thank you.
- Ain't got
no funny feeling
Ain't got no funny feeling
- I'll be right be back, okay?
Please tell me it's not gonna
be that kind of night.
- Look, I am spinning a lot
of plates right now,
and I spin better
when I'm drunk.
- Yeah, but who saved
who, really?
[both laugh]
- Who are your new friends?
- Honestly, just some randos.
Jill--she does not seem
good enough for Patrick, right?
- But it's nice.
- Nothing that we've planned
has happened today.
[both laugh]
- Just spontaneity, you know?
Spice of life, right?
- Oh, my God.
You like that guy.
And you brought him
and his girlfriend
to Barker's party?
- What? No.
Look, I just think there's
something off about Jill.
I mean, look at her.
- Nutmeg, I guess.
[both laugh]
- Do you see what
I'm talking about?
- You're not even playing
with fire right now, Pyke.
You're already engulfed
in flames.
Are you even listening to me?
[all laughing]
- Cheers.
- Merry Christmas.
- All right, everybody.
I just want to say how grateful
I am to all of you--old friends
and new friends alike--
for spending your
Christmas Eves at my place.
- Mm!
- My family has a tradition
at Christmas.
We go around the table,
and everybody says
what they were grateful for
in the past year,
and what they are hopeful
for in the new year.
- Then what do you do
on Thanksgiving?
Exchange gifts under a tree?
Boom! Barker family burn.
- Well, Pyke,
since mine's about you,
I guess I'll go first.
You are challenging,
secretive, and elusive,
but getting a chance
to know you,
despite your best efforts,
has...been the thing
that I am most grateful
for this past year.
And what I'm most looking
forward to in the new year
is what it brings
for you...and for us.
- Oh, that is so cute, Barker.
Okay! Me next?
It's not really my thing.
Can we just...skip my turn?
- I'll go next.
- Mm.
- Thank you, again, Barker,
for inviting me to this dinner.
My family lives far away,
but I also like to think
of some of you
as family--even you, Pyke.
Well, on a good day.
That's it.
- Um...
I think I need
another minute.
[all chuckling]
Could you go?
- Okay.
three years ago, I was--
I was in a really bad place.
Um...and then I met this man...
- [chuckles]
- In a grief support group...
because my fianc...
died in a car accident.
- Oh, honey.
- No.
You can't start liking her.
That's what she wants us to do.
- So first,
we got really close,
because, you know, we were both
going through so much,
but then we...
we really...fell in love.
I mean, he is
so sweet and kind,
and he's always so excited
about everything.
And, um...
he taught me that
life is for living.
So thank you, Pat.
[smooth piano version of
"O Christmas Tree"]
- I'm Pat.
Also one of
the total strangers
who just walked in
on Christmas Eve dinner.
[all chuckle]
Uh, but this isn't the weirdest
situation I've found myself in,
though, on Christmas Eve.
I, uh...
I was married before.
I knew her my whole life.
I proposed by, um...
I put a ring in a dumpling.
She swallowed it, naturally,
[all laughing]
And then, um...
she made me swallow my ring
so we could be even.
Then we spent
that Christmas Eve
in the emergency room.
[all laugh]
It was never my dream
to come to New York.
It was Megan's.
And I'm thankful
to you, Jill...
and to you, Pyke,
who I just met today...
for letting me have, today...
one-one last day for Megan.
Thank you all.
[phone vibrates]
- That was a really sad story
about your wife who died.
She sounds cool.
I was married once before too.
I was happy.
I loved someone.
I also knew him my whole life.
He liked "Dr. Who,"
especially those old episodes
where the sets were
still made out cardboard.
He also loved Bowie
and Iggy and the Beatles,
but his favorite Beatle
was George,
because he didn't make
a big deal about it.
We couldn't afford
expensive Christmas gifts,
so...we would buy the worst
gifts we could find...
[chuckling sadly]
Like used orthopedic shoes,
or...cans of iguana food.
Bad stuff.
But we loved it.
We were happy.
You know, and I always said
that I was gonna leave,
but...I never meant that
I was gonna leave him.
Whenever I thought
about leaving, you know,
I thought it was something
we were gonna do together.
So it does suck.
And it's not fair.
I didn't want to go.
I don't want to be here.
- I'm sorry, uh, I just--
I need a minute.
- Excuse me.
- Let's clear the table.
Okay, look, I have tried
to be understanding,
but what the hell
is going on here?
You were married?
You invite these people
to my place?
- I wish I could tell you,
but you just wouldn't
- Try me.
All right? I meant what I said.
I need you to share with me.
- Look, okay, I do have
something to share.
I am leaving forever
in a day and a half.
- Well, that's great, Pyke.
I'm glad.
Merry Christmas.
- How's he doing?
- Um...
he just needs
some time alone.
He...he can get like this.
You know,
Christmas makes him emotional.
- Yeah, he's not the only one.
[phone vibrating rapidly]
[phone vibrating]
- Hi.
- [sighs]
I'm gonna get into so
much trouble telling you this.
And I shouldn't.
I shouldn't be here.
I should have...
I should have let you leave.
I should have never
talked to you.
Why do you think I know
everything about you?
- [scoffs] Yeah...
are you an identity thief
or a...a genius hacker?
A con artist?
- [snickers]
And what am I conning
you out of?
Your credit card debt?
Your sweet job
at your dad's tire store?
- How do you know that?
Okay, just tell me
who you are, please.
- It's me.
It's Megan.
- Why are you doing this to me?
Megan's dead!
- Look, I died,
but I came back
in this body and this city,
and I've been
stuck here ever since.
I've been trying to get up
there for nine years, I'm screwing that up.
But I had to tell you.
Do you believe me?
- No. This is insane.
- Patrick, it's me.
- If you're telling the truth--
and I feel like an idiot
for even contemplating it,
you were here the whole time?
I needed you.
- I couldn't see you.
Look, it's unfair, but
the Universe has these rules.
- Megan never cared
about the rules.
- Well, I'm breaking
all of them now.
Patrick, it's me.
It's Megan.
You know it's me.
- I came on this trip...
so I could move on.
So I could
be happy with Jill.
But it's been so hard,
because I love you.
- Pat...
- [gasps]
- Jill!
Jill, wait!
[quirky ambient music]
- Excuse me--um, do you know
how long I've been here?
- You're in luck, 'cause
I spend my Christmas morning
watching drunk, messed-up girls
sleeping on the subway
with a stopwatch,
just in case they need to know.
- A simple no would
have been enough.
[indie rock rendition
of "Jingle Bells"]
- Dashing through the snow
- Oh, crap.
- In a one-horse
open sleigh
- Over the fields we go
[cell phone ringing]
- Oh, sorry--will you--
- Laughing all the way
- Could you just excuse me?
Let's just take five.
[clears throat]
Well, well, well.
Look who's alive.
Merry Christmas
from Hollywood--
well, actually I'm
in Vancouver,
hosting a Christmas Day
I'm wearing a mustache!
- Do you know what happened
last night?
- Before you ruined everyone
who cares about you's life
or after?
- After.
- You passed out,
you got in a cab,
but then you threw up
in that cab,
so you called another cab,
but then you kicked the driver
in the shin and told him
he was an instrument
of the patriarchy.
- Do you know
I lost 5,000 points?
- Yeah, well, you're lucky
the powers that be
didn't take away
all of your points,
thanks to me.
- Thank you, Jason.
- You're welcome.
Seriously, they wanted to take
away every last point of yours
that you have earned
this whole time.
I begged them not to.
So now you only have to make up
5,000 points by tomorrow.
I'm a hero.
- Wait, it took me years
to get to 5,000; how am I
supposed to do that in one day?
- I don't know.
It's Christmas, Pike.
There's people everywhere.
Pick one.
- Well, that's what I've been
trying to do for years.
Any other ideas?
- Well, you know, you did make
quite the mess last night.
I would imagine there are
some points to be earned in,
you know, cleaning it all up.
- Yeah, but they
all hate me now.
I don't blame them.
How can I ever repair
all that damage I've done?
- I don't know, but I know
that you can try.
- Do you really think
I could do it?
- I really don't.
Got to go.
[jazzy festive music]
- Have yourself a holiday
A happy day
- Hey, Connie.
Was I really that bad
last night?
- I don't like to judge people.
- Are you kidding?
You love to judge people.
We love to judge people.
It's why we're friends.
We invented that game--
"daughter or girlfriend?"
Table seven, daughter.
- Girlfriend.
- Daughter.
- Definitely girlfriend.
- [laughs]
It's always the girlfriend.
The truth is, you were awful
last night--
the worst I've ever seen.
- I want to make it right.
Look, is Barker here?
- No, he took today off.
You know, I really think
that you should let him be.
You broke his heart last night.
I warned him about you.
I said you were like
a pet chimp.
You know, like cute at first,
but eventually,
they're just gonna
rip your face off,
like what happened
to that woman in Florida.
- Thank you for that.
- You are a terrible waitress
and a bad friend,
but I kept you
on this whole time
because I thought
you could change.
- Connie, look,
don't give up on me now.
Look, I got you something,
but you have to come over
the bar to get it.
Come on.
You're gonna love it.
Get over here. [laughs]
- No, I'm busy.
- Jake, turn up
the Christmas carols!
[jazzy rendition of "12 Days
of Christmas" playing]
On the first day
of Christmas
- Merry Christmas.
It's a pear tree.
- A partridge
in a pear tree
- How did you track down
a pear tree on Christmas Day?
- Through the miracle
of Craigslist.
I thought you could use
something to remind you
of your grandma.
The tree should sprout
in about six to eight months,
so until then...
they're organic.
- On the third day
of Christmas
- There may be a half-eaten one
in there.
- Wow.
Thank you,
you little jerk-face.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, it's okay.
- A partridge
in a pear tree
- Look, I wish
I could stay, but...
I have to make the next stop
on my apology tour.
- Do you know where he is?
- Barker only does one thing
on his mornings off.
[rock music]
- Fine. What?
- [panting] Well, I...
was gonna do
this whole dramatic thing
and jog with you
until you talked to me,
but...I hate running
and you're fast.
- What do you want, Pyke?
- I'm sorry.
- Okay, cool.
- Wait, wait--please?
Look, I want to make
things right.
What do I need to do
to get you to forgive me?
Anything, please.
- You think this is only
about last night?
- I was always honest with you
about what this was.
- Honesty from you
just feels mean.
- Wait--Barker.
I mean... [sighs]
you had a weird thing
with a weird girl for a year.
Believe me,
things could be worse.
- Not for me.
- What are you talking about?
- A while back, I got accepted
into a cooking school in Paris.
And then I met Allison Pyke.
- You can't put that all on me.
- I only blame myself.
You were always very up front
about how little you cared.
Let me ask you something, Pyke.
Have you ever done
anything--anything at all--
that was truly
for someone else?
- Yes--that's actually
the thing I do all the time.
- No, no, no,
I mean just to be good,
not for any other reason.
Not because you expect
something in return.
Just one selfless act.
- No.
You're right.
You are absolutely right.
I'm...I'm...not a good person.
But maybe I can be.
- I don't think you can.
[melancholy piano music]
[phone chimes]
[animated music]
- [groans]
- Leonard, this one's mine.
- You are too out of shape
to be making
a decision like that.
- Okay, no more running.
Please, please.
Look, we still have a minute.
- Wait.
Pyke, why are you even here?
It's not like
you need the points.
[ethereal choral music] screwed it up?
- I screwed it up.
- Pyke.
[sighs shortly]
Listen, I'm just
1,000 points away,
but I feel bad, 'cause
I stole your last miracle.
You can have this one.
- [stutters, sighs] No, look.
I want you to have it.
It's like you said:
just because angels have to
help the living doesn't mean
we can't choose
to help each other.
- Are you quoting
my angel union email?
- Yes, and for the record,
you are a terrible writer.
But...I can't imagine a Heaven
without you in it.
- You're sweet.
- [laughs]
Wait, wait, are you actually
being nice to me,
or are you just doing this
because you think
it'll get you more points?
- A little from column A,
a little from column B.
- Mm-hmm.
- Excuse me.
I have somewhere to be.
[stirring instrumental version
of "O Come All Ye Faithful"]
- Ooh!
1,000 points.
- Stand clear
of the closing doors.
- Hope I see you up there,
- Maybe you will.
- Maybe I will.
[contemporary string rendition
of "Carol of the Bells"]
- Hark how the bells,
sweet silver bells
All seem to say,
"Throw cares away"
Christmas is here,
bringing good cheer
To young and old,
meek and the bold
- [sighs]
- Ding-dong, ding-dong
That is the song
With joyful ring,
all caroling
One seems to hear
words of good cheer
- From everywhere,
filling the air
- Oh. You.
How did you find me?
- This is literally
the only place I looked.
Look, can we talk?
- I'd rather be left alone.
- Look, I hear you, and I will
totally leave you alone,
so I will walk...
all the way over here
as I apologize to you.
Look, it wasn't Patrick's
fault. It was my fault.
I kissed him.
He didn't kiss me.
- I know it was your fault.
I never thought it was
anybody else's fault.
You have been lying to me
and Patrick this whole time.
Could you just be honest
for a moment?
- I owe it to you to try.
We dated...a lifetime ago.
- Merry, merry, merry,
merry Christmas
- So long ago that I look
completely different now,
so he didn't recognize me.
Look, I didn't tell him
who I was
because I didn't want
to make things weird,
which clearly turned out great.
["Silent Night" on bells]
- Do you...hate me
for some reason?
- What? No.
I like you.
I just--I didn't want
to believe
that there was anyone else
out there good enough for him,
and the fact that you are
just made it worse.
Look, he loves you.
And he's always
gonna love you, Jill.
- You clearly haven't been
hanging around Patrick lately,
because the only person
that he loves is Megan.
- No, he went after
you last night.
Look, you're the one he wants,
and he can love more
than one person.
I mean, you still
love Stewart, right?
That's what brought you
two together.
You both have big enough
hearts for that.
I'm really happy he found you.
You were right.
This place is beautiful.
[music swelling]
- Do you think he'll ever
be able to move on from her?
- I think so.
- [clears throat]
We need to talk about things.
- We do.
This is where they moved
the giant piano from "Big."
- [chuckles] I know.
It's why I came.
Where else would Patrick Dorsey
from Hastings, Nebraska,
want to go?
- I figured you'd find me...
if you're really you.
- You believe me?
- I had a feeling
at the beginning,
but--well, we're from Nebraska.
This stuff doesn't happen
there, not even in Omaha.
- [chuckles]
- I mean, Megan, you died,
and you came back
in a whole new body.
- It's hard to keep living
after you die.
I just...I just felt
like I was stuck.
- So when you get to heaven,
you can be happy.
- I already was happy.
- We were happy, huh?
- I want you to be happy again.
Jill's great.
- What are you talking about?
You can't stand her.
- No, of course I like her.
She ate the feet soup.
- Jill does make me happy,
and for a long time,
I didn't think
that was possible.
I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
- I'm glad.
this has to be the last time
we see each other.
- I know.
I'll never totally get
over you, Megan.
I carry you with me now,
and I think that's okay,
as long as I just--
I keep looking forward.
- I'm really happy
to hear that.
- I got you something.
I mean, I buy you one
every Christmas.
I just--I always see something.
- [crying]
- Open it.
- Here, give me that.
- Okay.
- [crying softly]
This is, um...
this is truly awful.
- I know.
It is, right?
- I'm sorry I didn't...
I didn't get you anything.
- You did.
- Pyke.
- How'd you get back
from Vancouver already?
- Oh, uh, Drake.
He lets other angels
use his private plane.
He's a real sweetheart
like that.
Saw what you did.
You brought Jill and Patrick
back together.
It was another love miracle,
and it got you a ton of points.
You did it.
You're going to Heaven.
[bittersweet chiming music]
How are you not jumping
for joy right now?
You made it!
- Merry Christmas, Jason.
- Merry Christmas, Pyke.
- Pyke, what's happening?
Oh...are you miserable?
Or is this just
your general sour face
that you always have?
- Do you think I was
good enough?
I mean, do I deserve to go?
- I don't know. Who cares?
I don't.
- Are you surprised
that I got in?
- Yeah, a little bit.
But you didn't have to be
the best ever on Earth.
Not everyone's a saint.
Lord knows I wasn't.
You just have to
leave people better off
than how you found them.
Uh, is that really the shirt
you're wearing up to Heaven?
- [chuckles]
Actually, it's a new gift
from an old friend.
- Ah, okay.
You know, this bus actually
comes with an attendant
who can bring you whatever
you want, like a new wardrobe.
- Welcome.
- Oh!
- Oh.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
How I've missed Heaven.
- [chuckles]
[playful music]
This place is everything
Leonard said it was--
a paradise where you're
able to get anything
you'll ever want, instantly.
For example, right now,
I'd love a lemonade...
With a little booze...
and a splash of iced tea.
You know, but now that
I'm here, I understand
why Leonard took perfection
for granted:
because he's an idiot.
Heaven is like the greatest
club in the Universe.
It's never crowded.
The people are amazing.
Thanks, Todd.
Like right now,
I'm in the middle of kicking
Mrs. Roosevelt's butt
in croquet.
- Oh!
- Sorry, it's how the game
is played, Eleanor.
Every waking moment
here is fun.
Like instead of walking,
we drive golf carts,
which apparently I'm great at,
since I'm about
to win this race.
- You did it!
- Bingo!
- Sweet.
If I was gonna make a list
of the best things
about my first year in Heaven,
I would say they are...
inter-dimensional Frisbee.
[thrashing rock music]
A vibrant local punk scene!
Tanning for an eternity
without burning.
My morning breath
now tastes amazing.
[smacks lips]
Mmm, cucumber water.
Best book club ever.
You know, I guess I'm not
surprised that Bigfoot is real,
but I am surprised
by the depth of alienation
that's present in his writing.
What do you think, Becky?
Maybe it's not fair
to tell you
how good this hot tub feels,
because you have to deal
with everyday Earth hot water,
which is basically like
sitting in warm spit
compared to this thing.
Oh, man, it's like being
hugged by a hot cloud.
- Breadsticks?
- Oh, thank you.
- Breadsticks?
- Nope, I'm good.
Pyke, enough with
the breadsticks, okay?
You're getting crumbs
all in the tub.
- Sorry, I can't help it.
It's just that
I can't get over the fact
that the Olive Garden here
has literally
unlimited breadsticks.
Like, I can have
infinity breadsticks.
- [laughs]
Why? Why?
Why do you still use the phone?
- Oh, it's just a habit.
I got pretty addicted
to that angel app.
Ooh, a woman's about
to get attacked
by a bird in Central Park.
- Ooh, who cares?
Just sit back. Relax.
Life on Earth
isn't our concern anymore.
- Someone just accepted
the miracle.
- Put the phone away.
Please enjoy Heaven.
- But the Heaven Phone
is so cool.
It's indestructible.
- Okay, yeah.
I get it.
- [chuckles]
- All right.
Yo, we should probably think
about getting out of here soon.
- How long have
we been in here?
- Two weeks.
- Okay, look,
I say we soak
for a couple more days,
and we should probably
join Lincoln's game
of running charades.
- I like that.
[both pop lips]
- Your boy's
not even pruning.
- Aliens are real?
And they're tiny.
[phone chimes]
[gentle ringing music]
[quickening music]
Come on, come on.
Someone take the miracle.
Come on.
[phone ringing]
- Hi, hey!
How is it up there?
You met John Lennon yet?
- Look, I need a favor.
- Ooh, what about the girl
from "Poltergeist"?
If you do, have her say,
"Carol Ann."
It's so creepy-cute.
It's like it's creepy
but it's also really cute.
- Can you help me out
with a miracle in New York?
Someone I care about--
he hates me,
but I still care about him--
- Pyke, Pyke, Pyke, Pyke, Pyke,
I'm gonna stop you
right there, okay?
You have moved on.
You can no longer interfere
with the lives of the living
once you are up there.
Besides, look around you.
Isn't it awesome?
Why would you want to do that?
Remember, you drove
through the gates,
and they closed behind you.
You're in there now.
That's it.
You're done. Mazel.
- No, I know.
I get that, but can you
maybe make an exception?
- [sighs] Well,
you are asking so nicely.
No! Of course not.
Are you kidding?
I am up to my neck
in paperwork right now,
and it's pilot season.
Besides, afterworld traffic
is so backed up right now.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
[tranquil classical
piano music]
- Leonard!
[whispering] Leonard.
- What do you want?
Okay, Michelangelo's
teaching this class.
He does not like it
when we have visitors.
- I need advice.
Someone I care about
is in trouble down on Earth.
If I don't help him,
he's gonna die.
- Pyke, I'm sure he lived
a great life.
- No, he didn't.
He put off all of his dreams
for a chance to be with me.
Now he's gonna die without
ever realizing any of them.
- Let him die, okay?
What's about to happen now
isn't your responsibility.
- It is.
He was right about me.
I don't know if I've ever
done something good
that wasn't selfish.
But...maybe I still can.
- Look at me.
Don't do anything stupid.
Gandhi's throwing one of
his legendary house parties
and I'm gonna get funky.
- [sighing] Oh, God...
- Are we good here?
- Yeah-yeah-yeah, thank you.
[percussive electronic music]
- When I was younger,
I was insane for fame
In the glitters
of the lights
I could see my name
Since my mouth could move
I've had something to say
Now I'm a little older,
but I remain the same
You can't cheat,
you can't defeat
You can't beat me
What you do,
I do it better
Don't compete with me
You can't cheat,
you can't defeat
You can't beat me
The world is my stage
I've got it made
I want it
I own it
I want it
I've got it
I want it,
I own it
I want it
[door chimes]
- The Universe works
in strange ways.
When you go to Heaven,
it's on a Greyhound bus,
but when you return,
it's on the Q train,
or the M train, or the R.
I still don't know
why they have three trains
going in the same place.
[Electric Guest's
"Back For Me"]
- Watched you drive away
You're back out
on the road
- Maspeth, Queens.
I'll give you a $50 tip.
Now drive like it's
a life-or-death situation.
- A second place for home
And I know we've got
1,000 ways to go
- Thank you!
- And there's not
Much more I know
I can control
- [panting]
Oh, God.
- Are you coming back
- Barker!
- For me?
Hope you're coming
- Barker!
[wires hissing]
[quietly] James...James!
[shrieking] James!
[pipe groans, crashes]
- [panting]
- Are you okay?
I was so scared for you.
You almost got crushed.
- I'm still a little shaken up.
- [chuckles]
Well, at least
you're good now.
- Yeah...are you French?
- [laughs] Yes.
I guess you can tell, right?
- Yeah. [laughs]
Well, I think my run is
officially over for the day.
- Yeah. [laughs]
- Would you maybe want
to grab some coffee?
- Oh, yes.
I mean, sure.
Why not?
- Yeah, I actually love France.
I've been dying to go.
It's kind of a dream of mine.
- For once, the Universe
gave me a miracle
I could get behind.
I thought it was just about
saving Barker until I saw
that jogger chick was French,
which--come on--seems
pretty convenient to me.
Unless...the Universe does
do everything for a reason.
Saving Barker
was the real test,
not all those arbitrary
points I collected.
I've finally proved that...
[mellow acoustic guitar music]
I belong up there.
When I was alive, I thought
loving Patrick was enough.
I closed myself off
to everyone else.
But now I realize
the most important thing is...
- I'm gonna stop you
right there,
because I've got a thousand
more of these today, so...
- Wait, what?
- Allison Pyke.
I find you guilty of theft
of afterworld property
and banish you back to Earth.
Sentence is 100,000 points.
[angels chattering]
- [whistles]
[chuckling] Well,
that took a hard turn.
Are you okay?
- Yeah.
I am.
I mean, I've done it once.
I can do it again.
- [chuckles]
I am highly skeptical of that.
[anticipatory string music]
[jet engines blazing,
alarm blaring]
- Brace for impact.
- Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God...
- We're all gonna die.
We're all gonna die.
[gripping music]
- Everyone, keep calm.
I've done this before.
[blippy electronic music]
- Katie, Katie, Katie
Katie, Katie, Katie
Katie, Katie, Katie
Katie, Katie,
Katie, Katie