Anjelah Johnson: Not Fancy (2015) Movie Script

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise
for Anjelah Johnson!
Oh, hi.
It's so cool. Look at us, guys.
We're here, Southern California.
Hoo, hoo
Um, I don't know if you guys notice
anything different about me.
Hey, short hair, don't care.
Hoo, hoo
I cut my hair, y'all.
You know what I noticed?
People judge you based on your hairstyle.
Ever notice that? Right?
'Cause I used to have really long hair,
and I'd wear it in a ponytail every day
'cause I didn't know how to do
anything to my hair, right?
So just, ponytail every day.
So... people thought I was a lesbian.
Hey, where all my lesties at?
Hoo, hoo
Thank you for coming.
All my lesties.
That means a lesbian bestie.
I wore my hair in a ponytail.
Everybody thought I was a lesbian, right?
So now I cut my hair short.
So... people still think I'm a lesbian.
I think it's more than my hair
that gives off the vibe,
'cause sometimes
I'm a little tomboy, right?
Like, I call everybody "bro."
"Hey, what's up, bro?"
Everybody's "bro,"
no matter who I'm talking to.
"Hey, Anj, how was the movie last night?"
Bro, it was so good.
Seriously, Mom, you should see it."
So good.
Or, like,
if somebody gives me a compliment,
I usually just say,
"Oh, thank you," right?
But sometimes I'm like,
"Oh, for real? That's wassup."
"That's wassup."
Who says "That's wassup"?
I'll tell you. Boys, lesbians and me.
That's wassup.
I am married, though.
Uh, to a man, to clarify.
Um, and here's the thing.
My ring is fancy, right?
My ring is fancy, but I'm not fancy, okay?
I mean, like, my chandeliers?
These are some fancy chandeliers,
but I rented those.
I mean, like, I'm not fancy.
This is how fancy I am not,
you guys, okay?
I live in Los Angeles,
so every now and then
I have to go to these, like,
red carpet Hollywood events
where you get dressed up all nice
and you walk the red carpet
and they take pictures of you
and they go,
"Anjelah, who are you wearing?"
"Oh, uh... Forever 21!"
"I got these at Claire's right here."
"They're gold, but now
they're like rose gold."
I'm not fancy.
Even on planes.
I'm not fancy on planes, you guys.
Like, my husband and I
just flew to Europe.
And we flew first-class,
but it was like a fancy first-class
where, like, everybody got
their own private, individual,
like, spaceship-type seat
and there was all kinds
of buttons everywhere.
So I was a little confused at first.
I was like, "Wait a minute. Uh...
am I flying the plane?"
"Uh, excuse me.
I didn't do real good in school."
And, like, all I wanted to do
was lean my chair back a little bit
so I could relax while
I was watching my movie, right?
So I'm trying to find
the "lean back a little bit" button.
"Okay, that's it right here.
That's good."
"I'm laying down.
I'll just sit up. It's fine."
"This how rich people sit?"
It was fancy.
And they had hundreds of movies
for us to choose from, right?
We were going to Europe,
so I wanted to be prepared
for all I was about to experience there.
So I decided to watch the movie, Taken.
It's a good movie.
At one point, I leaned over to my husband.
I was like, "Uh, babe...
don't get taken."
"'Cause I ain't gonna
be able to find you."
Serious, this guy is so smart...
Liam Neeson.
He's, like, the smartest guy in the world.
You guys, if you ever hear
about me getting kidnapped,
don't call the police.
Call Liam Neeson, please.
This guy is solving crimes
from across the world on the phone.
On a flip phone.
He don't got a data plan, nothin'.
He's gonna figure it out.
Talking about,
"Is the wind blowing to the east?"
"Uh, which way the east, Liam Neeson?"
If I ever meet Liam Neeson in person,
I think I'm just gonna start crying...
'cause that means that he found me.
Told all our friends
we were going to Europe, right?
They started warning us right away.
Like, "You're going to Europe?
Watch out for gypsies."
I'm like, "Gypsies?
What's 'gypsies'?
Like Egyptians?"
"Are they mad at us?
Did we do something to them?"
They're like, "No, gypsies.
They will rob you and take
all your stuff, right?
They got all kind of gypsies.
They got old lady gypsies,
little kid gypsies,
sneaky squirrel gypsies."
My road manager Lauren,
she used to live in Europe,
so she even told me...
She was like, "Okay, listen.
If a woman comes up to you
and throws her baby at you,
don't catch it."
I'm like, "Just let the baby fall?"
She's like, "Yeah, 'cause
as soon as you catch her baby,
all her gypsy friends are gonna
stick their hands in your purse
and your pockets and take all your stuff."
I'm like, "Da-a-a-ng!
Well, that's dedication."
Shoot, at that point I think
she kind of earned my stuff.
Right? 'Cause, like, if you're
throwing your baby at someone,
that's straight dedication
to the game right there.
Right? 'Cause, like, if she's
gonna throw her baby at me,
she's gonna trust that, one,
I'm gonna catch her baby, right?
And that, two,
I'm gonna give her baby back.
You know what I'm saying?
'Cause, like, what if she throw
her baby at me and I miss?
Now her baby on the floor
with a concussion.
Or what if she got a really cute baby
and I don't want to give it back?
You know what I mean?
Like what if it's a half-Black,
half-Asian baby?
I'm gonna keep that one.
But now I have the upper hand
in negotiations, right?
Like, "Oh, you want your baby back?
Now you want your baby back.
Give me my iPhone."
"You can keep my wallet.
I'll cancel my credit cards.
I need my phone book contacts."
'Cause I don't know
anybody's phone number by heart.
You guys know people's
phone number by heart?
No, right? Like, I know nobody...
my mom, my husband...
nobody's phone number.
If I'm in an emergency situation
and people are like,
"Hurry, give us your mother's phone number
so we can call her,"
I'd be like, "Okay. It's 'Mom.'"
"Right. What's her phone number?"
Let's just hope they don't ask me
for my husband's phone number.
"Hurry, give us
your husband's phone number."
"Okay, it's Pooky Boo Lover Buns."
By the time we landed, I was hyped.
Like, I was ready to fight somebody.
Right? Every time I saw a baby,
I was flinching.
Just, like, punching random strangers
for no reason.
I'd just finished watching Taken.
I think everybody's trying to kidnap me.
We were checking in at the hotel.
The guy at the front desk, he was nice.
He was like, "Welcome.
Would you like some help
with your bags up to your room?"
I was like...
"No, gypsy."
"Hmm, nice try."
Our first stop was Rome, Italy.
It was awesome, you guys.
We went to the Forum,
the Vatican, the Colosseum.
And, like,
this trip really made me realize
that I should have paid attention
in school.
For real, 'cause, like,
all I kept thinking was,
"Man, if I didn't cut class
all throughout high school,
I would probably be having fun right now."
I mean, but it was still cool.
Even if you're not a history buff,
like, it was still pretty amazing.
Like, 'cause I was standing there
in front of the Colosseum,
just really, like, almost emotional,
'cause I'm like,
"Dang, I cannot believe that,
like, right here, years ago,
is where they filmed
the movie, Gladiator."
You know what I'm saying?
Like, Russell Crowe
could've been right here.
After that, we took
an 11-hour train ride to Paris.
Let me tell you,
an 11-hour anything is terrible.
To anything, like, even a massage.
Everybody likes a massage.
Go for an hour, maybe two hours.
But 11 hours, your skin gonna fall off.
And, like, I don't know
what I was thinking,
'cause we could've jumped on a plane
and been there
in like five minutes, right?
But in my mind I thought
it was gonna be romantic, right?
I was like,
"Oh, let's take a train to Paris.
It'll be so romantic.
Like, there'll be a caboose in the back
where they're dancing,
wearing flapper dresses,
celebrating 'The War Is Over.'"
It's not like that.
If you've never been
on an overnight train,
let me just paint the picture for you.
I almost died that night.
The smell on this train was so bad,
it literally almost choked me to death.
Have you ever tried
to hold your breath for 11 hours?
I almost died. And there would've been
nobody to charge in my murder.
They would have been,
"Oh, my God, who killed her?"
"Smell killed her."
This is what it's like. You get
on the train, and they have cabins,
and there are six bunk beds in each cabin.
If you don't buy all six bunk beds,
they just stick some rando
in there with you.
So good luck, okay?
So this is what it's like.
We get on the train,
and in the first cabin
there's a Chinese family,
then there's a Haitian family,
then there's us Americans,
and then there's, like, an Italian family,
then a French family.
Like, there's just all kind
of different people, right?
Like, it's kind of like a buffet.
Go with me for a second.
Like, you know how sometimes
you go to a buffet
and they got the seafood
and the Italian food,
and then they got the Chinese food
right next to the barbecue?
And you're like,
"Wait, that's too many smells.
I can't figure it out."
It was kind of like that, except it was
like a two-week-old buffet.
Yeah, it wasn't fresh.
And, like, I'm not really a diva, okay?
I don't consider myself a diva,
but that night, it was questionable.
'Cause, like, I just kept trying to
find somebody that worked on the train.
Like, "Hi. Excuse me. Hi. Um...
can you point me into the direction
where passengers can breathe?"
"Yeah, similar to this,
but preferably unscented."
"Oh, this is the only section?
Oh, okay...
'cause we bought a first-class ticket
and it's not really a first-class smell."
"Just go back to my seat? Okay, thanks."
I felt like I was being
human-trafficked into Paris.
I kept looking for Liam Neeson.
I couldn't find him.
When we got to Paris,
we went to the Louvre.
That's where they filmed
that movie, The Da Vinci Code.
I kept trying to reenact the scenes,
but they don't like it when you do that.
And the bridge that you walk across
to get to the Louvre
is, like, the lovers bridge, right?
Where you go with your lover,
you get a lock,
you lock it onto the bridge
and then you throw
your key into the river,
and it's supposed to be like
you're locked in love forever, right?
So we did that, but our lock
came with two keys,
so I threw one in the river.
I kept one in my pocket just in case
this fool act up. You know what I mean?
Don't play with me. Click.
It was an awesome trip.
My husband and I had a great time.
And some of you may know that my husband
is actually a Christian rapper.
Uh, most of you probably didn't even know
Christian rap was a thing.
Oh, it's a thing.
Yeah, it's legit.
Don't get caught sleepin'
on that Christian rap game, homie.
His last album went
triple Pentecost platinum.
My husband is
a Christian rapper, right?
And I'm a Christian and I'm a comedian,
but I'm not a Christian comedian.
Let me explain.
I don't have jokes that are like,
"So Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
walk into a bar."
It's not my style.
And, like, a lot of my comic friends,
they always tell me,
"Oh, you're so conservative."
And then my Christian friends are like,
"Oh, you're so edgy."
But, like, I just do me.
You know what I mean?
Like, I can't be anybody else but me.
Just do you and do you well.
You know what I'm sayin'?
Like, I'll tell you the truth.
I love Jesus, okay?
Yes, I do.
But I will punch a ho.
I mean, like, I don't want to.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, I don't want to fight you.
Like, if you're yelling at me, go ahead
and yell at me. I don't even care.
You wanna say some curse words at me,
say some curse words.
I don't even care.
But if you are right here...
in my face?
Like, if our eyelashes...
is braided together...
I will cut... you.
In the name of Jesus.
We're in Southern California, so there's
probably some cholos here tonight.
I see you, Boo.
Uh, recently I was invited
to cholo church.
It's kind of like regular church...
but a little different.
Right? 'Cause, like, at regular church
they're very warm and inviting.
"Hi. Welcome to Christ
For The Nations Baptist Church.
Come on in. Two of you? Okay.
It's your first time here?
Come sit up in the front,
closer to the anointing.
Up in the front. Two seats.
Thank you. Two seats.
Praise the Lord. Hallelujah."
It's a different congregation
at cholo church.
The people at cholo church, the Lord has
really brought them through some stuff.
And by stuff, I mean 10 to 15.
This is how the guy
was giving the announcements
when I first walked in to cholo church.
"Yeah, what's up, eh?
Church about to get started.
I'm gonna have to ask y'all
to take your seats.
If you don't have a seat,
one will be appointed to you."
"Yeah, what's up, eh?
You need some seats in the back?
You need some seats? Sabes que,
come right here in the front."
"Come right here in the front.
What I say?
Why you acting all scared for?"
"Uh, you're pointing at me
with your hand shaped like a gun.
It's literally a handgun."
But this church was legit, though.
I gotta give 'em that.
They were straight-up.
They were legit.
Like, when I say you could
see Jesus on him, I mean literally,
'cause he had Him tattooed right here.
Straight dedicated.
My husband and I
been married for three years.
Thank you.
I'm learning a lot, you guys.
I'm learning about marriage,
I'm learning about my husband.
One thing I learned
about my husband is that, um...
he's not real handy.
Like, he don't really like
to fix stuff around the house.
It's not that he doesn't like to,
it's just that he can't.
And, like, to me, a guy
who could fix stuff, like, that's hot.
Any ladies in here agree that's hot?
That's hot.
Like, you could be
real ugly in the face...
...but if you could fix my plumbing...
...and rewire some cables...
...ooh, girl, that's hot.
My poor husband.
He cannot fix an appliance
to save our lives. I'm serious.
If our lives depended on my husband
fixing the microwave clock
for daylight savings...
...we are gonna die.
But it's okay,
'cause you know what?
What he lacks in handiness,
he makes up for in actual hotness,
'cause he's real purty.
Don't hate.
He's real good-looking.
He's, like, way better-looking than me.
Like, in our relationship,
I'm the one with the good personality.
Another thing I've learned
about my husband is, uh,
we don't really like
the same sexy-time music.
It's kind of important.
'Cause recently my husband,
he's trying to set the mood, right?
"I'm putting on some sexy-time music."
But to me, it sounded like a church song.
I said, "Uh, babe, what is this?"
He says, "A love song."
I said, "Yeah, but I'm pretty sure
it's a love song to Jesus."
"What we trying to do, get our praise on
or get our freak on? What's happenin'?"
"You trying to multitask me?
That's what you're trying to do?"
Listen, you guys...
I have some advice, okay?
Take it or leave it. Whatever you want.
If you are trying to have sexy time
while listening to Pandora,
upgrade to the commercial-free version,
I mean,
'cause the last thing you want to hear is:
"Hey, girl."
"Are you in good hands with Allstate?"
Well, I was in good hands.
But now I just wanna pay some bills.
I remember our first emergency.
I had to rush my husband to the hospital
because he had kidney stones.
- Aww.
- I know. And I had heard a while back...
Somebody told me the most pain a man
can ever feel is kidney stones, right?
So, like, I'm trying to keep
that thought in my mind
as I'm looking at my husband
who is, like, hunched over in pain,
moaning, groaning, crying a little bit.
'Cause I'll be honest, you guys.
There were a couple times
where I did think to myself, like,
"Mm, you need to man up."
'Cause my husband, he's over here like...
"Babe, it hurts! Babe, it hurts!"
And I'm just like, "Babe."
"What's wrong?"
"What's it feel like?"
"Like a cramp?"
"Is it like a period?
"Oh, you want me
to take you to the hospital."
"You're funny."
"Just grab the heating pad."
Ladies, I tried to tell him just curl up
in a ball and rock back and forth.
It didn't work.
And the thing was,
we were about to go to bed, right?
And I wasn't feeling well,
so I had just taken NyQuil.
So I'm trying to rush my husband
to the hospital, dozing at the wheel.
By the time we get there,
he's dying in pain, I'm intoxicated.
The doctor's trying
to communicate with us,
like, "Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's going on here?
Um, who drove you guys here?"
And I was just like, "Um...
Your Honor?"
"Can I say something?"
"I drove us guys here."
"But I have an excuse.
I'm on NyQuil.
He's just a baby."
So they admitted us both.
It's pretty expensive.
Right now everybody's talking about
affordable health care, right?
But, for me, my health care
has always been affordable
because my cousin June
is my primary doctor. And, uh...
Although June has never been
to medical school before.
She works front desk at a doctor's office,
so... she hears a lot.
She wears scrubs to work.
I trust her.
Sometimes I call her for advice.
I'll be like,
"Hey, June, I'm really congested.
What should I do?"
And she'll be like,
"Okay, this is what you wanna do.
You want to get a cup of hot water,
squeeze a whole lemon into it.
One teaspoon of hot sauce,
one teaspoon of pepper.
It'll clear you right up."
I'm like, "Okay, first of all,
this prescription sounds delicious."
"I'm gonna be real honest with you.
I'm probably gonna make some extra
and eat it with chips later."
My problem was, I would take advice
from anybody wearing scrubs
just because they look
smarter than me, right?
I used to until I realized
that there's a store in the mall
where anybody could buy scrubs.
You don't have to be a doctor, you don't
have to show a license, nothing.
You just walk in,
pick your favorite color,
boom, Dr. Anjelah.
So I'm gonna do it, you guys.
I'm gonna go buy myself
some scrubs, okay?
I'm gonna use 'em as my pajamas.
I'm gonna sleep in them at night.
Then I'm gonna wake up
early in the morning,
throw on some tennis shoes,
run over to Starbucks
for my morning coffee
where everybody keeps letting me
cut in front of them in line
'cause they just assume I got off
a late-night shift at the hospital,
saving lives.
No, yeah, it's a genius plan,
you know,
until there's an actual
emergency at Starbucks.
Right? Could you guys imagine that?
Some guy at Starbucks lying
on the ground, having a seizure?
Everybody's looking at me like,
"Oh, thank God you're here."
Right? What am I gonna do?
Tell him a joke,
hope he laughs his seizure away?
This is what I would do, you guys, okay?
I would get in real low, right,
so nobody else could hear me,
and I'd just be like,
"Um... excuse me. Sir?
"Okay, listen. Um...
these are just my pajamas."
"Yeah, anybody could buy them.
Okay, look, I'm not a real doctor,
but don't worry about it 'cause
I'm gonna give it my best shot.
All right, I got this.
Everybody move back, please.
Move back. I need some space.
Everybody step back.
Okay, you call 9-1-1.
You, give me a skinny vanilla latte
and a breakfast sandwich.
You, I need a cup of hot water,
some lemon and some hot sauce, stat."
Then I'd just start saying any word
I've ever heard on Grey's Anatomy.
"Uh, you, uh, defibrillate
his aortic valve."
Another thing I've learned, being married,
is we're not always gonna see
eye to eye on things, you know?
No, we won't.
And like, for instance, okay,
there is a hierarchy
in the Latino culture.
We don't talk about it, but it's there.
There's all kinds
of different Latinos, right?
Mexican, Puerto Rican, Salvadorian,
Cuban, Colombian, Dominican,
All kinds of us, right?
And, like, my husband,
he's Puerto Rican, okay?
Any Puerto Ricans here tonight?
Hey. All seven of California's
Puerto Ricans came out tonight.
My husband, he's Puerto Rican, right?
So he thinks Puerto Ricans are at the top
because they have J. Lo.
All right. We get it.
Team Puerto Rico: one point.
Well played.
Me, I'm Mexican, okay?
Any Mexicans here tonight?
So, pretty much everybody else.
I'm Mexican,
so I think Mexicans are at the top
because we have the best food.
These are just facts, you guys.
Google it if you want to.
We're not even, like,
the best in the Latino foods.
Like, we jumped into regular
food category. You know what I mean?
Like, ask any of your friends
what their favorite food is,
and nine out of ten times they're
gonna go, "Oh, uh, favorite food:
pizza, Chinese and Mexican."
They don't say Latino.
"Oh, I like Latino food.
All-encompassing Latino food."
Nah, bro, they say Mexican.
That's wassup.
I mean, for the most part, people don't
even know the difference between us.
They think all Latinos eat Mexican food.
Ask any random white guy, "Hey, name
a Latino dish that is not Mexican."
"Uh, fa-jee-tahs."
No, that's Mexican. "Kay-suh-dill-uh."
No, that's also Mexican.
"Nacho Bellgrande."
That's American.
Nice try.
Team Mexico: one point.
I may think Mexicans are at the top,
but I'm not the top Mexican.
I still don't speak Spanish.
I know. I wish I did.
Any other Latinos here
that do not speak Spanish?
Where you at?
See? I'm not the only one.
Air fives.
Where the Latinos that do speak Spanish?
Where are you guys at?
Oh, congratulations.
You're better than us.
I bet you put it on your rsum, too, huh?
"Bilingual, Spanish and English.
Happy face, happy face."
Well, good for you.
I wish I spoke Spanish.
I got Rosetta Stone.
I've had it on my computer since 2006.
I'm still on level one.
Caballo, caballo, caballo.
Bicicletas son verdes.
Bicicletas son verdes.
This is why I'm still
on level one, you guys.
Every time I hear that
little computer lady say,
"Bicicletas son verdes,"
it sounds real rhythmic, like a song.
"Bicicletas son verdes."
So I just keep pressing the button.
Over and over.
Bicicletas son verd...
Bicicletas son verd...
Bicicle... Bicicle...
Bici... Bici... Bici... Bici...
Caballo, er, er, er
So I'm still on level one.
I'm not really learning Spanish,
but I do have a new favorite song.
"Bicicletas Son Verdes."
Pa-pa pom-pom
A lot of times people just assume
that I speak Spanish, right?
They'll just start saying
Spanish words at me really fast.
And I don't wanna come out
right away and be like,
"Whoa, whoa, wait.
I don't speak Spanish." Right?
'Cause I'm ashamed of myself.
So what I do is I just like to go along
with the conversation as long as I can.
And then, like, at the end,
I just give them like
a go-to Spanish phrase like,
"Ay, qu bueno."
But it usually has nothing to do
with what they're talking about.
So they're just like, "Huh?"
"Claro que s. Claro."
"No? No claro?
Well, I haven't learned that song yet."
I still don't have kids.
I still don't want kids.
But I baby-sit a lot. I do. I baby-sit.
My friends always ask me
to baby-sit their kids.
The one person in the group
with no actual parenting experience.
You know what?
I learned that kids are smart.
And by smart, I mean manipulative.
They know how to get what they want.
They know how to get out of trouble.
"I run this house."
And they do.
They run the house, right?
Like, I was baby-sitting
my godson Elijah, right?
He's four years old, right?
He wouldn't eat his dinner.
I said, "Elijah, eat your dinner."
He just grabbed his food,
put it up to his mouth,
and then he put it back down.
I said, "Uh, Elijah, I can see you.
I'm a real person."
"You're not eating your dinner."
He goes, "Yes, I am."
I said, "Elijah, I'm gonna call your mom.
I'm gonna tell her
you're not eating your dinner."
You know what he said to me?
He goes, "Okay.
Can you tell her I'm thirsty, too?"
What a jerk.
I said,
"Uh, I'll tell her why I spanked you.
I'll tell her that, huh?
Oh, your mom doesn't do spanks?
Well, she's not here, is she?"
And that was the last time I baby-sat him.
And my sister just had a baby last year.
He's so cute, you guys.
Cutest baby in the whole wide world.
I know I'm biased because he's my nephew.
But then there's actual facts
that you can Google. So...
He's so cute, you guys.
He's half Vietnamese, half Mexican.
He's a little Vie-xican.
And he has the whitest name ever...
Austin Reed Williams.
Ay, que guero.
I know we didn't start off
very Latino with "Johnson," right?
But my brother-in-law, who's Vietnamese,
he was adopted by
an all-American white family,
and that's how he got
the last name "Williams."
Like, he was born in Vietnam,
they put him on a plane,
flew him to America, and now he's white.
I'm serious.
He's the only Vietnamese person I know
that listens to country music,
chews tobacco and goes hunting
on the weekends.
He considers his camouflage shirt
to be his "good" shirt.
Oh, yeah, he has embraced 'Merica.
He's Vietnamese, super white,
and he married a Mexican.
He's all kinds of confused.
And the crazy thing is, he speaks
better Spanish than my whole family does.
'Cause he works in construction
with real Mexicans.
My family's very Mexican-American, okay?
We speak very little Spanish.
My in-laws are super Puerto Rican.
They speak very little English.
But they try, okay? They try.
Like, my mother-in-law
will call me sometimes.
She'll leave me a message
on my voice mail like,
"Hola, mami.
It's your mother-in-law. Eh, call me."
So sweet.
They're super Puerto Rican.
Like, they should win
Puerto Rican Of The Year award.
No, they're really good at it.
Like, I don't know how they do it,
but no matter what they're talking about
in any conversation,
they can seamlessly bring up Marc Anthony.
You can have a conversation
with my father-in-law.
He'll be like, "Hey, the Yankees,
they're gonna be good this year.
But if not, it's okay. Marc Anthony,
he gonna do a special on TV.
I'll record it for you."
My mother-in-law
is very traditional, okay?
She likes to drink her Pilon coffee,
watch her stories,
make room on the wall for another
Puerto Rican flag somewhere...
Or coasters,
or a bath mat, or a clock.
Puerto Rico everywhere.
And she likes to keep up with us
in our busy lives, right?
So we taught her how to use
Instagram and Facebook.
I'm sorry, "Fay-book," um...
Which is great, 'cause now sometimes I'll
be going through my comments from people.
They'll be like, "Hey, love your videos.
When are you coming to Michigan?"
"Hey, we were at your show last night.
Had a great time."
"Hola, mami."
"It's your mother-in-law.
You look too skinny in that picture."
"Eh, call me."
So sweet.
Now that's she's on social media,
she loves to watch my every move.
Everything I do.
Like, remember when everybody was doing
the ALS ice bucket challenge? Right?
Well, I did one too, right?
So I posted it on Instagram.
My mother-in-law calls me the next day.
She goes,
"Anjelah, I seen you ice bucket video...
pero I didn't see no ice."
But she's really proud of us, too.
Like, she's super proud.
Like, anytime we're in a newspaper
or a magazine,
she'll cut it out, put it in a frame,
put it on the wall, right? Super proud.
And recently I noticed that she's started
printing out our Instagram photos.
So now, if you come over to my
in-laws' house and you look on the wall,
you'll see a family portrait
from the 1980s,
a picture from my wedding day,
and my lunch from eight months ago.
Hashtag "foodie," hashtag "nomnom."
She's learning.
I'm getting older, you guys.
I'm getting older.
I mean, we all are.
We're all getting older.
But it's about me right now.
I'm getting older, but I don't feel it.
I don't feel like I'm getting older,
but I am noticing myself
starting to do older things, okay?
Like, I'm noticing, like, the questions
that I ask nowadays
are like old people questions.
Like, "What time is breakfast?"
"Do you accept coupons?"
You know, stuff like that.
And, like,
my friend went to a wedding, right?
And I feel like young people
would ask questions like,
"Oh, you went to a wedding? Was it fun?
Was there an open bar?
Did you meet anybody?"
Right? Like, stuff like that.
Me, I ask questions like,
"Oh, you went to a wedding?
Did they let you take
the centerpiece home?"
"How about the food?
What kind of food did they serve?
Was it, like, buffet-style?
It's the best.
How about parking? Was it valet?
Self-park? Ugh! Brutal."
I think I'm getting older
because I'm starting to give
way too many details to things.
Right? Way too many details.
And I see my dad do that.
He gives way too many details to stuff.
Like I can ask my dad
a very simple question.
"Hey, Dad, are you coming to visit me
this weekend or next weekend?"
His answer should sound something like,
"This weekend."
Or "Next weekend."
No, not my dad.
No, you ask my dad that question,
this is the answer you're gonna get:
"Oh, well, hey, I requested time off
from my supervisor.
He trying to tell me that
I didn't request the time off
when I know I did, and then here he goes
giving Diego like two weeks off.
You're not even supposed to have
two weeks at a time, right?
So I said, 'Look, I'm gonna
call my union rep, okay?'
Sometimes if you just say 'union rep, '
they get all scared.
So I said,
'Look, I'm gonna call my union rep.'
And then he goes,
'Fine, you can have your time off.'
But he almost didn't give it to me,
but then he did. But he almost didn't."
"So... this weekend..."
"...or next weekend?
Too many details, Dad.
You're not invited anymore."
I think I'm getting older
'cause I hear people around me
say things like, "Turn down for what?"
And then I tell them what.
"Turn down for what?"
"Uh, it's really loud."
"Turn down for what?"
"You have work in the morning."
"Pshh! Turn down for what?"
"You have three kids now!"
"It is about that time.
To turn it down."
Pa-pa pom-pom
Anybody here ever do jury duty?
I had jury duty not too long ago.
And we were one day into the trial,
and all of a sudden I was released
because apparently I am a terrible juror.
This what happened.
Um, okay, first of all,
I don't know if anybody here
has ever been to the movies
with your black friend, okay?
And your black friend
likes to talk to the movies
like the actors can hear them.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, "Ooh, you better run!"
"He right behind you!"
He right behind you!"
"He ain't even runnin'."
It was a similar situation
in the courtroom.
This what happened.
The first piece of evidence
they put up on a screen
is a picture of this woman's face
that's just, like, beat-up,
bruised, swollen.
You can't even tell it's a woman, right?
You're supposed to see the picture,
register it, and make a mental note.
Well, I can make a mental note.
I just have a hard time
not saying my mental note.
So the picture comes up on the screen
and my response is: "Ooh, what?"
"Oh, hell no!
"That's her face?"
"But that's her face, though?"
Wait, wait, wait. Put it back up."
"Lawyer lady,
put it up real quick, please?
Oh, hell no."
"Uh-uh. Guilty!"
"He did it."
"That's him right there."
They don't like it when you do that.
Even the process to get picked
to be on a jury is terrifying, right?
And, like,
I speak in front of people for a living.
That's what I do, right?
But all of a sudden,
because I'm in a courtroom in front of
maybe 30 people, even I'm nervous, right?
'Cause, like, the judge is talking to me,
and I'm just nervous
'cause a judge is talking to me.
I feel guilty for no reason.
And the judge is asking me questions like,
"Juror number 11, how do you
feel about scientific evidence?"
"Scientific evidence..."
"I didn't do very good in school."
"Uh, she said 'scientific.'"
"I feel like I should say a big word."
scientific evidence...
is usually presented as factual evidence
in cases where certain circumstances
do not provide a level of authenticity
that has been derived
through process of elimination,
having been determined
in the petri dish..."
" show you
that, in fact, it is scientific."
Then the judge just starts
taking notes, right?
Two attorneys, they start writing notes.
I'm like, "Uh, did I win that one?"
Now it's the attorneys' turn.
Now they get to ask me questions.
"Juror number 11, earlier you said that
scientific evidence was usually correct.
I think that's what
you were trying to say.
Do you have much experience
with scientific evidence?"
other than Law & Order: SVU..."
", not a whole lot."
Now she has to have a serious conversation
with me about a TV show.
"In these episodes of Law & Order: SVU,
has there ever been a case
where the scientific evidence
was proven incorrect?"
well, I haven't seen every episode..."
"...but there was this one time
where Jennifer Love Hewitt
was guest-starring.
And she did a good job.
I thought she did real good.
It was like a new role for her.
It was real serious.
She had to cry a lot,
so I thought she did good.
Anyway, there was this guy.
He would follow her to work every day
since she was like 16 years old,
but he would rape her all the time,
like every day, every day,
every day, every day, every day.
And like, first of all,
I don't know how she didn't see him,
'cause even I saw him
right at the beginning of the episode.
I was like,
'Yeah, that's him walking right there.'
But that's 'cause, like, I'm real good
at figuring stuff out like that.
Typewriter lady, don't forget to put
that I'm real good at figuring stuff out.
Anyway, they found some DNA evidence,
and they couldn't connect it to him,
so then he got to go home."
"So do you still feel that
scientific evidence is usually correct?"
I see what you did.
Wait a minute. Have I seen you
on an episode one time?"
'Cause I do watch Law & Order: SVU
all the time, you guys.
And it's got me thinking that
not only am I a terrible juror,
but I'd probably be a terrible
police detective as well.
Because, like, they show
these detectives...
Olivia Benson, right?
Yeah. Detective Stabler,
Detective New Hot Latino Guy.
Right? And they show 'em in these
adrenaline-pumping situations, right?
They're chasing a perp down an alley.
All of a sudden, they trip and fall.
They just get back up
and start chasing him again.
Has anybody here ever fallen before?
It hurts... you guys.
If I trip and fall down, I'm staying down.
For a while.
Rubbing my knee.
I will be the cop that calls in like...
"Officer down!"
"Officer down."
"Are you shot?"
"No, but I need some Neosporin!"
There's little rocks in it!"
To be a good cop, you have to
know your north from your south,
your east from your west.
You've seen the episodes, right?
"Suspect's heading southbound
on First Street."
This would be my call:
"Suspect made a left."
"Uh, north or south?"
"Definitely not to the right."
"Uh, in which direction?"
"Towards McDonald's."
They show 'em chasing this perp
into a dark, empty warehouse, right?
They have their gun out.
All of a sudden,
this guy just pops out of nowhere,
and their response is: "NYPD! Freeze!"
Where, like, my response would be:
Boom! "Who was that?"
But now he can't tell you who he was.
I'd probably be
a terrible 9-1-1 dispatcher.
God forbid you have to call 9-1-1...
and I answer the phone.
What's your emergency?
There's a guy trying to get in your house?
Well, did you lock the door?"
"You didn't lock the door?
Well, that was dumb, huh?"
"I mean, like,
you don't watch movies or..."
"No... Yeah, no, I'm sending the cops.
They are on their way,
but it's gonna be, like, 15 minutes.
You better find a hiding spot."
"And don't get under the bed.
They always look there first."
When I first started doing stand-up,
I got kind of famous on YouTube
for this joke about getting my nails done.
Oh, you've heard it?
It's crazy 'cause, like,
when this video first came out,
I had no idea it was
gonna blow up like that.
Like, so many people have seen this video
to the point where now I get scared
when I walk into a nail salon.
'Cause, like, I don't
want them to recognize me
and then, like,
cut my finger on purpose.
But then blame it on me
like it was my fault.
"Honey, relak your hand."
"You want to wak your eyebrow?"
"Uh, no, thank you."
"Honey, you need to wak."
"I lie your eye sadow. It look nice.
Your eye sadow. Look down. Look down."
"I lie the sadow."
Now sometimes the girls that are getting
their nails done, they recognize me.
Like, "Hey, you're the girl
that does the nail salon..."
"Mm, no!"
"What, are you crazy?"
Right? 'Cause, like, one time
I was getting my pedicure done,
and the lady that was doing
my pedicure, she said to me:
"What your name?"
And it wasn't like
your typical friendly greeting, like:
"Hi, honey. How you do?
How you mom?"
It was different.
It was very like:
"What your name?"
I said, "Anjelah." And she goes,
"That what I thought."
"Oh, shoot.
Vietnamese people have YouTube."
I started getting all nervous.
She could tell I was getting
a little uncomfortable,
so she goes,
"Don't worry, I don't tell nobody."
"Oh, thank you."
People always ask me, like,
"How'd you learn to do that accent?
Who taught you how to do that?"
Well, I grew up in a place
called San Jose, California.
It's the Bay Area's Westminster, okay?
So I grew up eating pho.
Do you guys eat pho?
Right? So I grew up eating pho.
And I would put all kind of chili sauce
in my pho...
'cause I'm Mexican.
So I put all kind of chili sauce
in my pho,
and the lady that worked there,
she would get mad at me
'cause she thought I was just
playing around and wasting all her sauce.
So she would yell at me.
She'd be like:
"Don't put the too mut the sah!"
"If you put the too mut the sah,
you met the whole thing up."
"If you do the sah, you do the one tam."
"You do sah, no sah."
"Sah, no sah."
"Mah-mah say, mah-mah sah,
mah sah, no sah."
"If you met the whole thing up,
you don't get to take back."
"She don't get to take back!"
And when that joke first came out,
a lot of people loved it, right?
But some people hated it... and I started
getting hate mail from people.
Yeah. Like, I would get a letter.
And you could tell it was
written by a Vietnamese person.
'Cause, like, I would read
a letter and it'd be like...
"If I see you in the street..."
" don't want that to happen."
Then it started getting real crazy, right?
I started getting death threats.
One time after a show,
this Vietnamese guy,
he was so mad at me,
he yelled at me, he cussed at me.
But he didn't cuss correctly.
He come up to me real mad.
He was like...
"What the fut?"
Real mad. F-U-T.
"What the fut?"
I was like, "Mm, sir,
I don't even know if that counts."
I'm Anjelah Johnson.
Thank you guys so much
for coming out to my show.
I appreciate you.
I love you.
Thank you so much. Have a good night.