Anjelah Johnson: The Homecoming Show (2013) Movie Script

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and
gentlemen, please welcome your
hometown girl, Anjelah Johnson.
(applause continues)
JOHNSON: San Jose, what's up?
Look at us.
We're really doing it.
We're really doing it.
San Jose, that's right.
My hometown.
Mm-hmm. That's right.
We got more than the Sharks.
We got a little Mexican girl.
Let's see, what alumni do we
have here tonight?
Lincoln High?
Any Lincoln High?
Yeah, I went there.
How about, uh, Gunderson High?
Any Gunderson High?
All right, I went there, too.
How about, uh, Liberty
Independent Studies?
Liber... no?
Just me?
And my mom?
All right, that's cool.
My dad's here tonight.
Give it up for my dad.
He's in the house.
My daddy-o.
My dad's so cool.
I'm gonna tell you a little bit
about my dad.
My dad is like Mr. Cool Guy,
like life of the party, you know
what I mean?
Like, super athletic, like,
really into sports.
Like, my dad's the kind of guy
who watches a boxing match on TV
as if he is in the boxing match
on TV.
You know what I mean?
Like, he'll watch it like this.
Say, "Whoa, Dad, are you
He got us involved in sports
when we were younger, but not
like the legit way.
Only if it was free to sign up
and you got a free T-shirt to
'Cause if you had to pay for a
uniform, forget it.
You can't be on that team.
For instance, I ran track and
field growing up, but I wasn't
on a track team.
My dad would just take me to the
track meets on Saturday morning
and sign me up.
I was the only one with my
number on binder paper.
It would look like this.
Lane one, Lincoln High School,
blue and gold.
Lane two, Gunderson High School,
brown and gold.
Lane three, Anjelah...
in some jeans, a T-shirt and a
pair of flip-flops.
I didn't know what I was doing.
I wasn't trained properly.
Everybody else is lined up in
their professional, like, "I'm a
runner; this is how you start"
position, except for me 'cause I
was up there like this.
Everybody on the side is telling
me, like, "Get down.
Get down in the position."
I'm like, "Why?
Why am I gonna get down?
I got to get back up to start
I wasn't trained properly.
Sure enough, the race starts,
the gun goes off.
Everybody takes off running
except for me. I'm hiding.
I thought it was a drive-by.
I don't know what's happening.
I was really into wrestling
growing up.
W.W.F. Right?
Before it was W.W.E.
You know, I mean like some old-
school wrestling.
Like some Hacksaw Jim Duggan,
Ultimate Warrior, Rowdy Roddy
Piper, Million Dollar Man,
Tugboat, Earthquake, Demolition,
I was seven years old, into
wrestling, right?
You know when a kid does
something good in school, you
give them, like, a toy or a
prize or something, right?
Well, I'm seven.
I got good grades one time.
And my dad surprised me with
tickets to go see W.W.F. at the
It was the best day in all the
seven years I had lived up to
that point.
It was so cool.
Me and my sister and my dad went
to the arena.
My mom painted our faces like
Legion of Doom.
We walked into that arena like
we were Legion of Doom.
Like they're gonna tag team us
in accidentally.
You know, the wrestlers come
out, right, and they run to the
ring, and everybody's trying to
get a high five from the
Well, I'm the littlest one
trying to get a high five,
talking about, "Hacksaw Jim
Duggan! Hacksaw Jim Duggan!
Right here, right here!
Right here!"
But he didn't see me.
Then a wrestler came out that I
didn't like, so I yelled at him.
I said, "You suck!"
Which is fine but not when
you're seven.
You can't say "suck."
That's a cussword, right?
Like-like, that's like when
you're a kid, there are some
songs on the radio that you're
not allowed to sing that song,
Like, when I was young, I used
to sing this song.
Oh, me so hungry.
Oh, oh, me so hungry.
Me hungry long time.
There's just some things you
can't say when you're seven.
Now, my little brother, he's
starting to get into that, like,
M.M.A. fighting, right?
But, see, I'm not a big fan of
Well, I'm not a fan of my
brother doing that, right?
And he's like Mr. Macho Guy.
Like, muscles, tattoos
Like, all he does is train to
fight, work out at the gym, and
take pictures of himself for
Right, like Mr. Macho Guy.
But, really, if you knew my
brother, he's the most sensitive
guy you will ever meet.
He is.
Like, he's the first to cry at
an Allstate commercial.
He cannot take constructive
And he still sleeps with
a teddy bear.
Yeah, and not even like a little
one that you can hide somewhere.
Like, a full-on "I won this at
the county fair and now I'm
gonna sleep with it."
And he's had it for years, since
he was a kid, right?
So it's filthy.
You know what I mean?
Like, it's disgusting, and one
day my mom washed it.
She put it in the washing
machine, and my brother came
home, and he's like, "Mom,
where's my bear?"
"Where is my bear?"
"I washed it."
"You what?
In the machine?
Well, does he still have his
"Uh, no, I think your bear
tapped out.
You're an adult.
Stop sleeping with bears.
And move out."
I got a lot of good childhood
memories growing up, but now
I'm moving on to that next phase
in my life.
I just got married recently.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I know, I didn't mean to blind
y'all. Sorry.
I know it's real sparkly.
Don't be fooled by the rocks
that I got.
I'm still Angie from the block.
Kick it.
When I first started telling
people that I got married, like,
a lot of people were surprised.
They were like, "What?
Oh, my God. I didn't even...
I thought you were a lesbian."
Ponytail's 'cause I'm lazy,
not a lesbian.
But thank you for coming.
Thank you for coming.
One time this girl tried to hit
on me, right?
And it started becoming like a
regular thing, so I asked her.
I was like, "Uh, let me ask you
a question.
What is it about me that makes
you think that I'm a lesbian?"
And her honest-to-God answer
was, "Well, in your YouTube
video, you say that you like
your nails short, you don't have
a boyfriend, and I noticed that
you always wear your hair in a
So I guess that's all it takes
to make the team.
Just that and drive a Subaru.
You want to be on our team, you
got to roll in an Outback.
Or a Vespa.
Or as I like to call them,
Everything about my wedding day
was perfect, except for the fact
that I got sick.
(crowd groans)
I know.
It was my own fault, too,
'cause, uh, what had happened
uh, I took too many supplements
that day, and by supplements,
I mean I took this multi-pack
It's like six different
I was on antibiotics from the
week before 'cause I was
fighting something.
Then I got congested, so I took
a decongestant pill, but then I
got a headache, so I took, like,
three Advil.
And, like, you can't put that
much poison in your body and
your body not try to get rid of
it, right?
But, see, I wasn't thinking
about that on my wedding day.
I was just all excited.
I started feeling a little sick
so I took the whole aisle three
at the pharmacy.
And we decided to take pictures
before the actual ceremony.
So I'm there, like, posing for
my pictures, and then all of a
sudden, it just hit me like...
(heavy breathing)
"Uh, I think I have to use the
"No, wait a minute, never mind.
False alarm."
But you know how it comes and
Like, your body will give you
that natural first warning,
and it's up to you if you want
to be obedient or not.
Like, you supposed to get the
warning, and be like, "Ooh,
better start making my way
(audience laughing)
Like, that's what it's for.
But, see, I tried to man up,
I was like, no, no, no, I got
this, go, go.
Take the picture, take the
So I'm posing for my picture
again, and then...
I don't know if anybody here
ever seen that movie
(audience laughs, applauds)
You know that part where she go
boo-boo in her dress?
(audience laughs)
Well, I'm standing there posing
for my picture, and all of a
sudden it hit me again.
I was like, "Ooh, that's not a
(audience laughing)
And I had to recollect all my
track and field training.
I had to run back to my hotel
My photographer had to help me
jump out of my dress real fast.
Like, that's not in their job
(audience laughs)
By the time I walked down the
aisle, everybody just thought I
was nervous 'cause my face is
I'm walking down the aisle like
(audience laughing)
"Do you take this man to be your
(audience laughs)
"Yes, I do."
"Do you, really?"
Yes, I do.
He does, we all do, we all do."
(audience laughs)
"You don't need me for the rest
of this, do you?
I'll be in the back."
Oh, no, it was a beautiful day.
You know, we had a great time.
Friends, family, it was a lot of
Just take a couple Imodium and
you're all good.
But if you take Imodium, be
'Cause you're good for, like,
three days.
(audience laughs)
You'll be like, okay, I'm ready.
Oh, that's too real?
(audience laughs)
My bad.
I thought we were a family.
(audience laughs)
We went on our honeymoon in St.
And, uh, I had never even heard
of St. Lucia before I booked the
trip; it just sounded real
I was like, "Ooh, St. Lucia.
Book it."
(audience laughs)
Like, I thought it was gonna be
these luxurious white sandy
beaches and, like, beautiful
clear water.
And we landed and it was
actually kind of a little
Third World-y.
(audience laughs)
Felt more like a missions trip.
(audience laughs)
Thought we were gonna build a
well before we left.
(audience laughs, applauds)
But it was nice.
And people ask me, like,
"Who's your husband?
Who is this guy?
Tell us about him," right?
Well, it's actually kind of
funny, 'cause I used to do a
joke-- on my first DVD-- where I
talked about Christian rap
music and Christian rappers.
How, like, it's so cheesy.
Like, what you gonna do, bust a
cap in the Devil?
Like, what?
(audience laughs)
Right, like, what's your name?
(audience laughs)
Comin' to the stage, Jay-Zesus.
(audience laughs)
Right, like, so cheesy.
So of course, the person who I'd
end up marrying is a Christian
(audience laughs, applauds)
(Johnson chuckles nervously)
Yeah, joke's on me.
Oh, you're funny, Jesus.
When we first started dating, I
was kind of embarrassed to tell
my friends and my family,
'cause, like, I knew I had the
I knew they knew I had the joke.
So I was trying to avoid it.
Then my cousin Joe, he's like,
"Who is this guy?
What does he do?"
I was like, "Oh, um...
He's in a band."
(audience laughs)
What does he play?"
"Uh... play, play, play, play,
Um, I don't really know if he's
athletic or not, I..."
(audience laughs)
"No, instrument."
"Oh, instru...
Pfft, you said 'play,' that can
mean like 20 things."
(audience laughs)
"Um, he plays the lyricist."
(audience laughing)
"Yeah, it's new.
You probably never heard of that
People say my husband looks like
Lenny Kravitz.
(women whooping, cheering)
Yeah. I'll take it.
Well, white people will say he
looks like Lenny Kravitz.
(audience laughs)
Black people say he looks like
Maxwell, so...
(audience laughs loudly)
It just depends on what
neighborhood you're from.
Any black guy with an Afro-- he
look like him probably.
But funny thing is, he's not
even black.
He's Puerto Rican.
There some Puerto Ricans in San
(audience cheering)
Shoot, since when?
(audience laughs)
Thank you for coming.
That was a long trek.
(audience laughs)
People who are not Latino
sometimes think that all Latinos
are the same, right?
But we're very different.
And, uh, you don't realize how
different Mexicans are from
Puerto Ricans until you sign up
to marry one.
Very different.
Even the little things, right?
Like, I'm Mexican.
I like spicy food.
I eat salsa with everything.
(audience whoops)
Know what I'm saying?
Like, if you don't got salsa for
your food, probably don't even
eat it.
(audience laughs)
You know what I'm saying?
Just get a smoothie.
(audience laughs)
Like, you go to your friend's
house for dinner.
You're like, "Oh, you ain't got
no salsa?
I'll be back, I'm gonna go to
Jamba Juice real quick."
And my husband, he's Puerto
He can't do spicy food.
Like, if you sprinkle a little
bit of pepper in his food, he's
gonna flip out.
"Babe, is this spicy?
You put spice in this?
You put your Mexican stuff in
(audience laughs, applauds)
I'm like, "It's pepper.
You can't handle pepper?"
(audience laughs)
(woman whoops)
My family calls me mija.
His family calls me mam.
(audience laughs)
Little differences.
The Spanish is so different.
The way Mexicans speak Spanish,
the way Puerto Ricans speak
Spanish is very different.
And like, I live in L.A. now.
So that's like northern Mexico.
(audience laughing)
So that's the only kind of
Spanish that I hear, right?
And then Puerto Ricans, y'all
are from Florida, I think...
(audience laughing)
So when I first flew to Florida
to meet his mom, she started
speaking to me in Spanish.
And I was like, "Oh, sorry.
I don't speak Puerto Rican."
(audience laughs)
I don't know what that means."
Like, it just sounds different.
Like, to me, when I hear a
Puerto Rican speak Spanish, it
sounds like they have water in
their mouth.
And they don't want it to spill.
(audience laughs)
You know what I mean?
(gurgling): "Hola, como
(audience laughing)
(speaking garbled Spanish)
(audience laughs)
It just sounds different.
I mean, I'm not really one to be
talking, 'cause I don't even
speak Spanish, so...
(audience laughs)
My last name is Johnson; what do
you want me to do?
(audience laughs)
And my husband and I decided we
don't want any kids, right?
We're like, no, no kids.
I know, it's very un-Mexican of
And I take it over the top, too.
Like, if I see a pregnant girl
walking towards me, I'm like,
"Oh, no, no, no, no, no."
(audience laughs)
Like I don't want her pregnant
vibes to jump on me.
If one sneaks past me and I
missed her, I catch her at the
last second, I'll hold my
breath like...
Close one.
No, thank you.
We got enough nieces, nephews,
cousins, godkids...
I got a lot of godkids.
I don't know if it's a Mexican
thing to double up on your
But I got a lot.
I got goddogs...
(audience whoops, laughs)
I got two goddogs.
One's a Maltese-poodle, one's
Maltese-Shih Tzu.
I have, uh, two goddaughters.
They're half Italian,
half Filipino.
I have a godson.
He's half Puerto Rican,
half Filipino.
(audience whoops)
So basically, if you want to be
one of my godkids, you gotta be
either Maltese or Filipino.
(audience laughs, whoops)
That's how you make my team.
Where the Filipinos at?
(audience cheers)
(Anjelah cheers)
Yeah, Filipino, oh...
(audience laughs)
Thank you for coming.
(audience laughs)
I think I gravitate towards
Filipinos 'cause we're very
Mexicans, Filipinos are very
You know what I mean?
Like, we have big families,
y'all have big families.
We live at the same house, y'all
live at the same house.
(audience laughs)
Very similar.
One of my good friends, she's
Filipino, right?
And, uh, one day her grandma was
driving, and she probably
shouldn't have been, but...
she was.
And, uh, you may think you know
where I'm going with the joke,
but you don't, so just wait for
So her little Filipino grandma,
she's driving.
And all of a sudden, she hit a
(audience exclaims)
I know, it was really sad.
But her response to that was,
"Ai! Sorry, dog."
(audience laughing)
"Ai! Sorry, dog."
(audience laughing)
So at least she apologized.
And now I just use that in
everyday life.
Like, if I trip over something,
I'm like, "Ai. Sorry, dog."
(audience laughs, applauds)
"Ai! Ai-yah, ai!"
(audience laughs)
I feel like all my Filipino
friends are real jumpy.
Like, they get scared real
Like my friend Penny, she's
She gets scared of everything.
You don't have to do anything
scary, just walk around the
corner unannounced.
(speaking Filipino)
"You scare me, hah?
Ai! Ai-yah, ai."
(audience laughs)
Filipinos go through like ten
different scared facial
"Ai! Ai-yah, ai.
Yah, ai-yah, ai, yah."
(applause, cheering)
One time I was at the mall
at, like, Orange Julius or
something, and there was a
little Filipino lady working
the register, right?
And she went to hand me my
receipt, but it drops, so she
goes, "Ai! Ah-ha-ah-ha-ah!"
"Just a receipt. I got it."
Yeah, so we don't want no kids.
And my husband and I, we're
still real new, right?
Like, we just got married
last summer.
We had just moved in together,
so we're still, like, figuring
each other out, right?
Like, our little things we do,
our little "rules" we have,
Like, for instance, like my
toothbrush, right?
I like to be the only one that
uses my toothbrush!
This guy, I don't know how he
grew up.
Like, maybe they were on a
budget or something.
But, like, he come to me the
other day, he's like, "Hey,
babe, can I use your toothbrush
real quick?"
I said, "What?
Like, that's a option for you?
Like, you're thinking about it?
He's like, "What? It's just
like kissing.
We kiss. It the same thing."
"Hmm, I do not scrape off your
tartar with my tongue."
(applause, cheering)
I mean, I know I'm pretty
amazing, but I'm almost positive
I cannot prevent cavities.
My husband likes to leave his
shoes right in the middle
of a walkway.
Like, as soon as you open
the door-- boom-- shoes.
Like, you couldn't kick 'em off
to the side?
That was hard to do?
So all throughout the house I
just trip over shoes, like...
"Ai! Sorry, dog."
"Ai! Ai-yah, ai, yah."
And we're still real new, so,
like, I still try to look cute
when I sleep. (chuckles)
I'll probably grow out of that
one real quick.
But right now I still try to
look cute, right?
But it's kind of hard because I
sleep with Invisalign trays
in my mouth.
So sometimes when I wake up,
my lip will get stuck to the
plastic tray.
I wake up looking like
Fire Marshal Bill.
Like, full on, "Let me
show you shumthing!"
My face will be all greasy.
That's not cute.
So when I feel myself starting
to wake up, like, I'll fix my
lip real quick.
I put my grease on my lip
like it's gloss.
Make it work.
Make it work.
And we're pretty good with
decision making, right?
Like, he'll come to me
with stuff.
I'll come to him with stuff.
Like teamwork, you know?
But every now and then he'll try
to go off and do his own thing.
Like recently we just bought
some curtains for the house.
And I told him, I said, "When
you're at the store, take a
picture of 'em and send it to me
before you buy it, right?"
But he forgot that part.
So I came home to these gaudy
Armenian curtains hanging in my
house that are, like, two feet
too short.
I got high-water curtains.
Like, first thing, my brother
came over to the house, he's
like, "Uh, why you got Capri
pant curtains?"
My husband and I travel a lot
for work.
He travels with music, I travel
with jokes.
And sometimes we'll go to, like,
some small town, like, nobody
has ever heard of this town.
Like, these people haven't
even heard of their own town.
When you fly into a small town,
you have to fly on a
small plane.
And I went to a town recently
where the plane I was on,
I don't even think it had
an engine.
I'm pretty sure it was
a paper plane.
Like, it just had two propellers
out front.
Like, as you step onto the
plane, you had to take turns
spinning the propeller.
Like it's The Price Is Right.
I checked my seat assignment.
It said, "Shotgun."
They had one flight attendant.
She was wearing regular clothes
and a name tag.
Like real suspicious.
And I fly a lot, so I'm used
to the way things work on
an airplane, right?
I'm used to the announcements
they make, like, "Flight
attendants, prepare for
I'm used to hearing that kind of
stuff, right?
But on this plane, we got a
different announcement.
It sounded more like,
"Stephanie, we're coming in."
What's this,
a family-owned plane?"
"Stephanie, if you have any more
of that potato salad you made
for the church picnic
last week...
you can bring it on up
to the cockpit. Thank you."
"Potato salad?"
"I don't feel safe."
The thing that sucks about
flying on a small plane is
there's always gonna be
turbulence, no matter what.
Like, if a bird is flying next
to you and he sneeze...
you gonna dip.
We landed at the smallest
airport I've ever seen.
They only had two doors:
enter and a exit.
So you're not gonna get lost
at this airport.
You're not gonna be like,
"Oh, no, what terminal am I in?!
Oh, the only one."
But every now and then they send
us to some real cool places.
Like recently they sent me
to Honolulu, Hawaii.
(audience cheers)
Yeah. Yeah, that's what I said.
I was, like, "Whoo-hoo!
Yeah, I'll go.
I'll go tell some jokes.
Right here. Right here.
Right here!"
Actually, I have a lot of family
in Hawaii.
But I'm Mexican, so I have
family everywhere.
Except for Arizona.
(cheering, applause)
One of my cousins in Hawaii,
he tried to teach me how
to surf, right?
But, see, surfing and I do not
go hand in hand, because when
I get in the ocean, I only go up
to about right here.
So if we could catch a wave
in this level, let's do this.
Right? 'Cause this is how
I'm thinking.
Like, God forbid I need to be
rescued for some reason.
I want it to be as simple
as one, two... gotcha.
Right? Like, that's as deep
as I go right here.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, I'll dunk, like, real
quick, like, whoo!
(makes whooshing sound)
I didn't even know there was
multiple kinds of surfing.
My cousin, he does kite surfing,
regular surfing, all kind
of surfing.
I have come to realize there are
two kind of people in Hawaii:
the kind that surf and
Japanese people.
I don't know if you ever been,
but I got off the plane
a little confused.
I sure did. I was like...
"Uh, Mr. Pilot, I think we'd
better round everybody up.
Went a little too far."
And these are the kind of
Japanese people with money,
Like, they wear all the name
designer brands all at the
same time.
I saw this one girl wearing
some Gucci sandals, a Prada
shirt, a Louis Vuitton bag, and,
like, a Ed Hardy blinged-out
All the name designers...
don't none of 'em match.
Really? How this girl get
dressed in the morning?
She must have walked in her
closet, closed her eyes,
and was like,
"What to 'rare' today?"
(cheering, applause)
Or it's probably like, "Ta-ra!"
After Hawaii, we went to an
island called Guam.
(light cheering)
Yeah, all right,
Chamorro in the building. Hey!
I see you.
See you!
JOHNSON: Yeah, I love that
It was beautiful.
I had a great time
on that island.
My only complaint is, I got
bit by a fish.
Didn't even know that
was possible.
'Cause, see, I was in the
ocean, right?
Right here. And my sister was
like, "Hey, look at
that little fish."
I took one step towards it...
Dish! It latched onto my foot
and I was like... (gasps)
"I just got bit by a fish.
I just got bit by a fish."
And my sister's like, "Ha-ha,
no, you didn't."
At this point no words are even
coming out of my mouth now.
It's just sounds.
Like... (screams)
And she's just laughing, but
then the whole left side of
my face started swelling up.
Not really, but in my mind.
In my mind, bad things were
were happening.
When I'm not traveling around,
telling jokes, I do live in
Los Angeles doing some
acting stuff.
(cheering, applause)
Thank you.
If any of you have kids, you
might have seen the movie
Alvin and the Chipmunks:
The Squeakquel. Yes.
Uh, for those of you that have
not seen the movie,
I'm actually in that one.
That's why I brought it up.
I don't just give random
Chipmunk shout-outs.
I'm really popular with three-
They're kind of my demographic.
Wish they could buy tickets to
my shows.
I met the most adorable fan
She was four years old at the
mall with her mom, and, uh,
she was really brave.
She walked right up to me and
she goes, "I saw you in The
I said, "You did?"
And she goes, "Do you see me
sitting on my bed?"
Yeah, it was the cutest thing I
had ever heard.
But I didn't know how to respond
to that.
I was like, "Oh, shoot, what do
I do-- tell her the truth and
crush her dreams?"
So, I was looking to her mom
like, "What do I do-- tell her
the truth or tell her a lie?
What do I say?"
And her mom's like, "Well, did
Anybody here see the movie Our
Family Wedding?
(applause, whooping)
Uh, for those of you that did
not see the movie, I'm in that
one, too.
Yeah, okay, I'll tell you the
preview, okay?
And then you'll think about it,
you'll go, "Oh, yeah, I remember
seeing that preview.
I just didn't take it a step
Our Family Wedding is basically
the story of the Mexican family
and the black family marry into
each other and all the crazy
things that happen when the two
cultures collide.
We had a really great cast.
We had America Ferrera-- I
play her sister.
Carlos Mencia played our dad.
Uh, we had Forest Whitaker,
Regina King, Lance Gross, Lupe
Ontiveros-- the woman that kills
Selena in the movie Selena.
Yeah, she played my grandma.
I didn't know how I felt about
it at first either.
I had to remind myself it's just
She didn't really do it.
Don't look her in the eye.
Don't turn your back.
She's actually a really nice
lady, but, uh, I had them move
my trailer away from hers just
in case.
We had a half Latino cast and a
half black cast, right?
We did what's called a press
They set up one day where all
these different TV shows come
and they interview you to
promote the movie that you're
in, right?
So they're like, "Okay, Latino
cast, you guys can do all the
Spanish interviews."
I was like, "Ah, okay,
that's cool.
Um, I don't speak Spanish.
My last name is Johnson-- might
as well put me in the black
"Oh, no, no, no, it's okay,
it's fine.
It's fine.
It's fine.
We'll just do it like this.
We'll have the interviewer ask
the question in Spanish to the
camera, then he'll ask it in
English to you and we'll just
cut that part out and put, like,
a Spanish voice over you."
That was their solution.
To do interviews all day like a
kung fu movie.
Every now and then, they would
give me something in Spanish to
say to the camera like, "Hola,
soy Anjelah Johnson..."
(speaking Spanish)
"...Our Family Wedding."
And, like, I would sound good,
right, like I knew what I was
talking about.
So, at one point, this interview
guy was like, "You can do the
interview in Spanish."
"Uh, no.
No, I can't. (laughs)
I mean, I can say that because
you just told me how to say it,
but I'm not gonna understand
you, so this will go nowhere."
"Let's just try."
Let's just try?
I've been trying since I was 12.
The first question he asked
me-- this is what it sounded
like to me.
(rolling tongue rapidly)
"Uh, Carlos Mencia..."
(rolling tongue rapidly)
"...Our Family Wedding."
And this is my response to him.
"Okay, let's do English, let's
do English."
"Yeah, boo, English, that's what
I said.
I'm only on level two of my
Rosetta Stone.
But I felt bad after, I was
like, "Okay, sir, fine.
Let's just find a happy medium,
all right?
How about I will do the
interview in broken English?
That way people think that I
speak Spanish.
Right? Let's, let's
just do that.
What-What's the next question?
What was it like working with
America Ferrera?
Okay, all right.
Here? Okay."
(clears throat)
"When I finding out..."
"...that I gonna working with...
America Ferrera,
I is so excited."
(loud applause, whooping)
"I is so excited porque I love
Ugly Betties.
I loving Betty la Fea y Ugly
Betty. All the Betties.
And when they calling me--
this a good story, you gonna
like this one.
Mira, I don't telling this
one to everybody usually, but I
like you.
Mira, mira, mira."
"When they calling me
and they say
you gonna work with America
(clicks tongue) I say,
'Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, are you kidding me?
You are not kidding me?
I can't believing they
picking me."
I don't think they liked that
one very much.
Pretty sure it got cut out.
We, uh, filmed the movie in Los
Angeles, and then they flew us
out to New York for the world
premiere, and that was real
nice, real fancy pants.
They put us up in this, like,
swanky hotel suite and I roll
ghetto fabulous-- I brought my
brothers with me, my cousins,
you know what I'm saying?
I'm like, "Hey, they putting us
up, y'all.
But get your own flight."
They kept us out there for about
a week, and the day we're flying
back to L.A., a huge storm hit
New York.
And then we checked out of the
swanky hotel suite.
I'm at the airport, I have my
boarding pass in my hand.
They're like, "Sorry, you guys,
we're not gonna be able to take
off-- this storm is really bad.
As a matter of fact, every
single flight out of New York is
You're gonna have to get a hotel
and stay the night."
And I was like, "Oh, uh, yeah, I
don't think that's gonna work."
'Cause I already checked out of
the swanky hotel suite.
And now I'm on my own budget.
And when I'm on my own budget, I
live life a little differently.
Yeah, I didn't go back to that
swanky hotel suite.
I went to La Quinta Inn in
Keep it real, hold it down,
remember where you came from.
I have no shame.
I had my brother with me, and
not my muscle MMA brother, but
my other brother that does my
Now, he real cute.
But don't get it twisted, he'll
still fight.
He just fights a little
Like, my MMA brother, if he's
gonna fight you, you know you're
about to fight 'cause he's gonna
come at you straight on like,
yeah, we're about to do this.
Boom, boom, boom and, like, take
you down, right?
And then, like, my other brother
that does my hair, if he's gonna
fight you, he's gonna come at
you, like, out of nowhere.
Just like, "Pat!"
And he's gonna cock it all the
way back.
Just, out of nowhere,
like, "Pat!"
"Let's go."
And when I was in New York, I
met this guy that I'm pretty
sure hates women.
Or he's just mad at us right
'Cause, like, he came up to me
out of the blue and was like,
"Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No offense, but I don't think
female comedians are funny."
I was like, "Oh, (laughs) pat!"
I was like, "Oh, um, okay.
That's cool.
You do you, homie."
And I think he got mad that I
didn't get mad, 'cause then he
went on to say, "Yeah, 'cause,
like, even when I'm playing
video games, I don't pick none
of the girl characters 'cause
they just not as good."
(audience groans)
I'm pretty sure we're not even
talking about stand-up comedy
any more.
And, like, I'm not a big
gamer, you know?
Like, I don't own any of the
Like, I had the old original
Nintendo back in the day, right?
When all you needed was up,
down, left, right, A, B, start,
You know what I'm saying, like,
I learned how to duck hunt.
And I would cheat, too.
Walk right up to the screen,
like, boom.
Boom, boom.
Boom-- well, who gonna stop me?
If that little dog would laugh
at me, I'd shoot him, too.
I was running track on that
little mat thing that came with
it-- remember that little mat?
Doing hurdles.
That's where I got my training.
If something was broke, all you
had to do to fix it was blow on
Boom, fix.
(clicks tongue)
Ladies, you ever wake up in the
morning and, uh, you do your
hair and your makeup, and then
you look in the mirror and
you're like, "Hmm.
That's not what I meant to do"?
You know what I mean?
Like, your hair came out wrong,
you did your makeup all weird
for some reason.
You're like, "Since when do I
wear pink eye shadow and glitter
at 10:00 a.m.?"
You try to fix it by putting
more and more makeup on your
face, so by the end, you just
look like a drag queen.
Or one of the girls that works
at MAC Makeup.
And you're running late to work,
so you can't take it all off and
start over.
You're like, "Oh, well, I guess
I'm going to work as Lady Gaga
You're like, "Whatever, I was
born this way."
You get to work, you're like,
"Hey, guys, hi, how's it going?
I was just practicing..."
" nighttime look...
in the daytime.
So I could see it better."
I don't even know how I learned
how to do my own makeup because
my mom trained me to be a chola.
She did.
'Cause, ladies, you know how,
when you're first allowed to
wear makeup, your mom would give
you, like, your first lipstick
or your first blush?
My mom gave me a brown lip liner
and some ChapStick.
And one can of Aqua Net.
That is a chola starter kit.
And this is how you know if
you're talking to a chola
or not.
Like, if you're not quite sure.
Like, she kind of has the
Sharpie eyebrows,
but you're in Los Gatos, so that
doesn't make no sense.
Like, if you're talking to a
girl and she sounds like this,
like, (scoffs) "You don't even
(scoffs) You don't even know."
Like, no matter what you're
talking about.
"Hey, is it cold outside?"
(scoffs) "You don't even know."
It's like the more uneducated
you sound, the more chola you
That's why there's always some
chola on the radio, trying to
get you to go back to community
"Yeah, what's up?
Are you like me and dropped out
of high school and got your
(laughter, applause)
"Well, come to San Jose City
Community Junior Evergreen
College, where we have nighttime
classes and weekend classes if
you don't got no babysitter."
"All you got to do is call
Right, 'cause nobody educated
talks like that.
You don't go to your doctor, and
your doctor's like, "Yeah, I
think it's like a rash maybe.
(scoffs) But I don't even know."
"And you know how you had a
stomachache you thought was,
like, real bad cramps?
Girl, it is not what you think.
Pero it's a boy."
This next story I want to share
with you guys I like to refer to
as "dinner with a random thug in
South Central."
Yeah, um, for those of you who
are not familiar with South
Central, South Central's a place
that you drive through,
not drive to.
Maybe if it's the daytime and
you're wearing neutral colors,
then maybe,
but at 10:00 at night by
yourself with a banana clip in
your hair, probably not a good
My favorite taco spot is
right in the middle of South
Central, and one night I was
driving home, and I was like,
"You know what, I want a taco.
I know it's late and it's dark,
but I'm a grown adult, and I
want a taco."
So I start driving to this taco
spot, well aware that this could
be my last meal.
But these tacos are good.
And this isn't your normal, walk
up to the window, order your
food kind of place.
All of the windows are
You have to push a button to
buzz the door open to get
You order your food through a
glass window.
They put it on a tray and push
it out to you.
It's like you're in prison, but
you don't know if you're the
guard or the prisoner.
So I'm walking up, right?
I see this one mean-looking thug
sitting out front.
Like, he look mean.
He had a scar from here to here.
He was wearing a wife beater,
some sweats and some house
You know those corduroy house
This fool had his house shoes
on in the outside the house.
So I'm walking up, right?
I see this guy.
He looks at me.
Then he looks at my car
and then back to me
and then back to my car.
I'm like, "Oh, no, he's gonna
rob me.
Jesus, I just wanted a taco."
So I get all scared, right?
I'm like, "Oh, shoot, what do I
do? What do I do?
I can't just stop, run back to
my car, and leave.
That's racist."
So I'm like, "Shoot, just act
tough, right? Just act tough."
So I put my shoulders back.
I'm like, "Yeah, what's up,
Put a little stank face on it.
He goes, "Hey, hey.
What's up, blue shirt?"
"Hey, you think you could hook
it up with a chicken taco right
"Oh, he just wants a taco.
Thank you, Jesus."
So I'm like, "Yeah, dude.
I'll get you a taco.
That's no problem.
That is no problem."
So I push the button, buzz the
door open to get inside.
This dude comes walking in right
behind me, like, breathing down
my neck.
I said, "Oh, he tricked me.
Oh, he tricked me!
He said he just wants a taco.
He gonna rob us.
(crying): That's my bad.
That's my bad."
He's like, "Hey, can you tell
'em to put some sour cream on
I said, "Ooh, he just getting
picky, that's all.
My bad." (nervous laughing)
So this guy goes and finds
himself a nice little table at
the restaurant.
I walk up to the window and I'm
like, "Okay, look.
I don't know this fool,
but he asked me to get him a
taco, so I'm gonna get him a
taco 'cause I'm scared."
"But if I give you the sign..."
"...that means call the cops."
"Uh, let me get a chicken taco
with sour cream,
and I will have
a chicken taco with sour cream.
That's funny.
We're ordering the same thing.
Hey, it's funny.
We're ordering the same thing.
Me and you, we like the same
We didn't even know it.
Besties, besties,
me and you."
At this point, I forget that I
don't even know this guy, but
it's like we're homies now.
I'm like, "Yeah, I'm gonna get a
Hey, you want something to
drink, homie?
You want something to drink?
You trying to get that orange
You trying to get that orange
Yeah, that's the homie.
He gonna get the orange Fanta."
So I get our food.
I go and I sit down with the
I don't know how it happened,
but all the sudden, we are on
our first date.
I'm serious, you guys.
He is asking all the right
Asked me about my dreams and
goals in life.
He's giving me advice.
I'm telling him about Jesus.
By the end of the conversation,
we're both crying.
I'm like, "No, you are so right,
Glock Nine."
"I have to admit, when I first
pulled up and I saw you, I
thought you were gonna rob me.
I know, I was being totally
I apologize."
And he was really cool about it,
too, thank God.
He's like, "Girl, please, I was
hungry; you gave me something to
I was thirsty.
You gave me something to drink,
and now you're gonna give me
that purse right there."
Boom, this fool grabs my purse
and run out the door.
I was like, "Oh, hell, no!
Hell, no."
Everybody thought I was having a
But there is a lesson to be
learned in every situation.
Never fall in love on the first
Especially if he wearing house
shoes in the outside the house.
San Jose, thank you so much.
God bless you guys.
I love you.
We'll see you soon.
(applause continues)