Anything Goes (1936) Movie Script

In olden days a glimpse of stocking
Was looked on as something shocking
Now heaven knows
Anything goes
- Where's Billy?
- He hasn't shown up yet.
Fine pal, I'm sailing tonight
he doesn't even show.
Oh, he'll be here. Keep your shirt on.
You fool, so you finally got here!
I'm sorry to be late
but I had big business.
- Hello, all.
- Hello, Billy.
Oh, gee, Billy I wish you were
sailing with us.
- So do I.
- Why don't you?
A vacation will do you good.
- We'll have a lot of fun together in London.
- I know, but what's the use of talking?
The boss is going away and he's
leaving me in full charge.
Now, if I make good, he's going to promote
me from general manager to junior partner.
- And what does that mean?
- What does it mean?
Well, uh... what does it mean?
Well, maybe $10 more a week or something.
- Success!
- And that's not all.
Next year I'm going away and
I'll leave the boss in charge.
Now, if the kid makes good, I'm going
to make him junior partner...
...and that makes me the
senior partner, get it?
Yeah, I get it. I get everything.
Except what I want.
My story is much too sad to be told
But practically everything
Leaves me totally cold
The only exception I know is the case
When I'm out on a quiet spree
Fighting vainly the old ennuie
And I suddenly turn and see
Your fabulous face
I get no kick from champagne
Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all
So tell me why should it be true
That I get a kick out of you
Some like that perfume from Spain
I'm sure that if I took even one sniff
That would bore me
Terrifically too
Yet I get a kick out of you
I get a kick every time I see
You standing there before me
I get a kick though it's clear to me
You obviously don't adore me
I get no kick in a plane
Flying to high with some guy
In the sky
Is my idea of nothing to do
Yet I get a kick out of you
I beg your pardon, but...
I couldn't help but noticing you seem
to be in some trouble or something.
Could I... could I help you?
Oh, thanks.
You're Miss Hope Harcourt,
ain't you?
I got a message for you,
will you come outside?
Don't go, miss, they're...
Got a watch?
Sit where you are.
And don't move for five minutes.
Now be a good little boy.
Well, what's the idea?
Uh... go... go away.
What are you doing over here?
Nothing... I'll be with you in a minute.
In about two minutes and
thirty-six seconds.
- Say what is this, a gag or something?
- No.
Get your fares here for
the Steamship Americana.
- Here she comes!
- Who?
Reno and her widows!
Hello, Reno, how about a picture?
Hello, Billy!
Here, come on, this way, kids.
Watch the kid get off, folks,
are you ready, girls?
One, two, three, four.
And one, two, three, straight.
And one, two, three, straight.
And one, two, three, hold it!
Oh... hello, boss, I've been looking
all over the boat for you.
Hello, Billy, I hardly expected you to...
You didn't think I was going to let you
leave without saying goodbye, did you?
- It'll only be a minute. Where'll you be?
- If I'm not at the chapel, I'll be in the bar.
Come on, kids!
Right here, please, Bishop,
thank you very much indeed.
- Snuff your shutter, Rembrandt.
- Who do you got there?
A missionary and a couple of celestials.
Take the missionary for a walk
and I'll get you a real pitcher.
- Okay, kid.
- Oh, Bishop...
Uh, would you give me a little
dope about yourself?
But my photograph, I thought...
But we want to get a picture of you
walking up the stairs.
- Oh, I see.
- What is the purpose of this trip, Bishop?
Oh, I'm on my way to attend
the West Minister Conference.
Confidentially, do you wish to cable
your English correspondent?
The entire conference will be at the
Southampton docks to welcome me.
And our Chinese body will be there also
to do honor to my boys.
That's all very interesting. It'll make
a swell story for our Chinese edition.
- What are those guys doing down here?
- Who are they?
- They're G-men.
- G-men?
Yeah, they're here for a pinch.
Hello, Mr. Whiskers.
- Wise guy.
- Yeah!
Oh, you're not down here for the ride.
Give me the story.
Maybe there won't be any story. We're
looking for a couple of mugs, that's all.
- They're trying to make a getaway.
- Well, who are they?
- Maybe I can help you out.
- One of them's dressed up like a preacher.
All ashore that's going ashore!
All ashore that's going ashore!
I beg your pardon.
All ashore that's going ashore!
You oughta look where you're going.
Hey, fix the violin, fix the violin!
Bonnie, it scares me to death,
I'll never get used to this thing.
Well, anyway you got on alright.
Yeah, but I'm going to get
into trouble in this getup.
I don't know how to act
like a minister.
I don't see why I couldn't have been
a cowboy or an Indian squaw or something.
Now, you look great in that
preacher suit, Mooney.
I'd hardly know you myself.
Now just keep your head and we'll
make a clean getaway.
I'll go find Snake Eyes.
Hey, Bonnie, Bonnie!
Oh, Charlie!
Oh, Wayne!
Oh, Ch...
Doctor, I beg your pardon.
May I present myself?
The name is Bishop Henry T. Dobson.
Yeah, hello, hello, Bish.
Are you... are you on your
way to the conference?
Uh... no, no, no, I think I'll go
to bed early tonight.
No, no, I mean the West Minister
Well, you see, I'm not exactly
a West Minister. I'm more in the East.
I see. Well Doctor, may I ask,
what is your field?
Well, I'm a kind of a sort of uh...
Uh... missionary.
- Missionary!
- Yeah.
- Where?
- Oh, way out in China.
- China?
- Yeah... way out in China.
Why! Singular thing!
I've served in China for years.
- Oh, yes?
- Yes!
Well, uh... You see, I wasn't
exactly in China,
- I was more in uh...
- Oh, I see, you, you were in Indochina.
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
I was in Indochina and you was in...
Well, we shall see lots of each other,
I hope, and... I'll see you later.
Yeah, well, make it as late
as possible, won't you?
Oh, pai-ong-lei, long long lei!
Well, I don't know, maybe the captain
will tell you about that, I...
A hundred and nineteen and
three quarters.
Settled. I got you, Mr. Whitney.
That's fine, William.
I think that's everything.
Remember, William, I'm depending on you.
And I won't let you down, sir.
Pleasant voyage.
- Thank you. Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
- Moon, come here.
- What's the matter?
There's a couple of dicks on board and
they're looking for you and Snake Eyes.
- Wha-h-h-h-how do you know?
- I've been trailing them.
Y-y-y-you better take the harmonica.
Where can I hide?
Stay away from your cabin,
they're watching that.
- Get into a group.
- But... get into a what?
Get into a group of passengers.
I'll find you later.
- Hey Billy!
- Billy, here we are!
Glad you weren't in the chapel.
Well, I just got time for one
short bonus, then I gotta go.
You know the boat's gonna
sail in a minute.
Oh, Billy, come on along.
- Sure, stay with the group.
- You know I can't, Reno.
But Billy, I can't have any fun
in London without you.
What do you mean, you'll be
a riot in London.
You'll have those monocles dropping
in your lap like flowers.
- Is that so?
- I want you there too.
- I'll be there.
- Say, Doctor,
would you mind converting somebody
else, I'm beyond help, I think.
Well, that's me.
Time to get off.
That's him.
There he is. Let's go.
Now Billy, this is your last chance.
Are you sailing with me or aren't you?
You know I'd love to,
but I've got to work.
Listen, listen, why can't we
be grouping?
- Holy tomatoes!
- Oh, that man is in again!
Hey, widows, hey!
Listen, will you sort of kick this fellow
around till he gets lost?
Wayne! Charlie! Whe...
I beg your pardon, have you seen
anything of two Chinese gentlemen?
No, sir, no, sir.
The clergy's imposing on me, honey.
- Good evening, Bishop.
- Oh, how do you do?
- You are the Bishop?
- Oh, yes, my name's Henry T. Dobson.
- D-D-L-L-V-D-A.
- Okay, this way.
- I know, but gentlemen...
- Hold it a second, Bishop.
All ashore that's going ashore.
All ashore that's going ashore.
Listen, I'll tell you what you do.
You grab yourself a place up there on the
upper deck and I'll be waving for you.
Make that last until you get back.
- Bye, kids!
- Bye!
Well, are you coming down
or are you going up?
Make up your mind, sir. Are you coming
aboard or going ashore?
The sailor's life is supposed to be
A heck of a lot of fun
Yeah, but when you're a sailor
Take it from me
You're working like a son of a gun
They give us jobs of every kind
And chores of every sort
But sweat away, sailor, you don't mind
Cause you know when we hit port
There will always be a lady fair
A Jenny fair or a Sadie fair
There'll always be a lady fair
Who's waiting there for you
There will always be a lady fair
To smooth your troubles
And to muss your hair
There'll always be a lady fair
Who's waiting there for you
There will always be a woman's charms
To kill your worries and to fill your arms
There'll always be a lady fair
Who's waiting there for you
Billy! So you're sailing
with me after all.
Oh, I'm so happy!
What happened?
Well... you see, there's a girl
on this boat.
- A girl.
- The most beautiful face I've ever seen.
- So!
- Well, she's in danger.
Well, who is she,
what kind of danger?
- I... I don't know.
- You don't know who she is?
- No.
- Or what kind of danger she's in?
When I asked you to sail with me you
couldn't, you had big business!
- Well... I had.
- Yeah, and you stayed aboard on her account!
So your heart was full of deceit and
it was just a runaround you were giving me!
Well, Reno, I never made
a play for you.
Never had a man make a stronger play.
You made me think you wanted to marry me!
Oh, now, how could you
think that, I...
I only treated you with respect.
That's just it! If you weren't on the level
then why did you treat me with respect?
Did you ever try to get
me drunk? No!
Did you ever ask me up to your apartment
to look at your etchings? No!
We've been in taxis dozens of times.
Did you ever try to kiss me?
No, not a try!
Billy, you shouldn't have let me on
like that if you didn't mean it!
Why, Reno, I didn't try
to mislead you.
Yes you did! You never even laid
your hand on me.
And I'm not used to men
treating me like that!
We... well... we're on our way.
That's a nice piece of guessing, Doc.
I want to thank you for what you
did for me, it was a great favor.
Well, I don't know what it was but
whatever it was, you're welcome to it.
Yeah... yeah... You mind if I
park the frame?
- No, put it...
- I mean... sit down?
Go ahead.
You see, when you surrounded me
with all those girls you... hid me from some people
I didn't want to see.
Yes, I know. I can't say goodbyes either,
that's why I'm on this boat.
I couldn't say goodbye to a girl.
Now I'm in a devil of a fix.
- Uh... pardon me, Reverend.
- The devil with that.
Well, anyway, you did me a favor,
maybe I could do you one.
You look awful sad, you must
have something on your mind.
Well, it's nothing you can help.
It's money. I know you Ministers
haven't got much of that.
Oh, if it's money you want,
I can get some of that.
- Can you?
- Why, sure!
The fellow that's sailing with me
has got about fifty grand.
Uh... fifty thousand dollars with him.
I'll just go get him.
- Bonnie, Bonnie, where's Mr. Hill?
I was just going to tell you,
he didn't make the boat.
He di... why, did the cops get him?
I mean... was he forcibly detained?
I don't know about that,
he just never showed.
Oh me, oh my, oh moo.
Uh-oh... wait a minute,
wait a minute.
Do you suppose we could get
the money back on his ticket?
Is that a ticket? Oh, that's just
as good as money!
Well, if it's a ticket you want,
you can have that one.
Of course we may have to share
the same bedroom but I...
- I guess there's two bunks in it.
- Why, that's all right.
Thanks awfully, Reverend.
Yes, what is it you wanted?
- Fix me up.
Oh, excuse me, mister... uh...
This is the little lady that goes
with Mr. Hill.
You don't mean that she goes
with the ticket.
Yeah... well, I thought perhaps
maybe she might...
Oh no, Reverend, you'll have to assume
responsibility for her.
Thank you.
Oh, I was afraid of this.
- Uh... Mister... mister...
- Crocker, Billy Crocker.
- Oh, it's a pleasure to know you.
- Glad to see you.
Say... do you suppose you
could use his passport?
No, I don't think I'll have to land.
Still, it might come in handy.
Heaven help me if they ever
look at this picture.
Oh, well, we could fix that up alright.
Pardon me, Reverend, may I take
a picture of you and your party?
Oh, no, no... not me!
Uh, no, not with me, but I'd like
a picture of my friend here.
Oh, no, hey, I don't...
- Be sure you get a good close picture.
- I see.
Here, can I come in?
What's the matter,
ain't he got a number?
- Number?
- Oh, skip it, I thought I was somewhere else.
Ready? Done!
We expected the girl'd make trouble,
holler for the cops or something.
But she fooled us. She came along
quiet as a lamb.
Probably didn't want to make trouble
for her family's sake.
Important Britishers, aren't they?
Must be. When she fell in love with this
guy they run him right out of England.
- But she ups and follows him.
- What was he like?
Good-looking. Smooth and
as crooked as a snake.
Made a business of trimming rich dames.
Then her old man got busy on
the transatlantic telephone...
...and before her boat docked in
New York, everything was set for her.
She hadn't a chance.
Oh, be fair, Hope.
As an old friend of the family I couldn't
refuse your father's request.
Yes, but you needn't have been
so melodramatic about it.
- Hiring gunmen.
- Private detectives, Miss.
Well, it's the same thing,
you carry guns, don't you?
Why didn't you come for me
yourself, Evie?
I was taking no chances.
My job was to get you quietly and safely
on board ship and take you home.
So I arranged... I arranged a snitch.
- Snatch.
- Snatch.
- Uh, that'll be all, my man.
- Yes, sir.
You had a...
Excuse me... I gotta see a fellow.
We'll uh... we'll wander around
the boat and wait for you.
They'd better hurry.
Better hurry up, the pilot's
ready to shove off.
Oh, so you thought you were
going to lose me, huh?
Listen, I wanna know
what you did to that girl?
The girl that came on the ship...
Better investigate this guy. He tried
to interfere with us once before.
Come on.
Where... where are they?
Stop them, they...
- They kidnapped that girl.
- Who are you?
- What's your name?
- I... I...
My name is Hill.
- Got your passport with you?
- Why... no.
- Where is it?
- It's in my cabin.
Go and get it and bring it up
to the purser's office.
The captain will want to talk to you.
Come on.
- Give me a light, Evie.
- Oh, I beg your pardon.
Oh, Evie, be careful!
Oh, it's down on the ledge,
I'll get it.
I say, do be careful, darling,
you know you'll go overboard.
Now look, hold on to my ankles,
I won't...
- I'll give you a hoist.
- All right.
There we go.
Well, what are you doing,
counting the stars? It's...
Hm, pretty girl, huh?
- That fellow tried to murder her.
- He did?
I'm going up there see
what's the matter.
Wait a minute, wait a minute,
maybe he packs a gat.
- Huh?
- Before you talk to him you wanna fan him.
- Fan him, fan him, what's that?
- Oh, like this.
Slap his hip pockets to make sure
he doesn't carry a gun.
And this is to make sure he doesn't
carry a shoulder holster.
- That's right.
- Okay.
If you need any help, call me.
Lovely night, isn't it?
You like that suit as well as the, uh...
stuff they're wearing this year?
- I beg your pardon?
- No offense, man, but uh...
- Could you give me the name of your tailor?
- My tailor is in London!
- Is he happy there?
- You will excuse us now, won't you?
I say, I hope we have a calm voyage.
The slightest movement makes me seasick.
It's a bit of a swell, isn't it?
I simply loathe being bounced about.
It happens to be one of the roughest
places on the coast.
My dear, it's getting worse.
All this is nothing to what it will be
in a few minutes.
I wonder if the good old
dining room is open.
I could use a light snack. Maybe a little
liver and an ice cream with uh...
chocolate sauce or...
- Oh, my dear fellow, please.
- Maybe a good old Yarmouth bloater...
...stuffed with pt.
Or some watermelon and peanut butter,
I think that would be nice.
- Oh, no, I ask you, no.
- Oh, there's a big one!
I say, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll
go down and prepare for death.
- Now was that fair?
- Fair?
Say, I didn't shoot him, I didn't push
him overboard or anything.
I think it was more than fair.
- Listen, I want to help you.
- Help me? I don't need any help.
You're very brave but you're not fooling me
because I know you're in danger.
- I just want to be your friend.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
All right, all right, don't
tell me anything.
But I just want you to know
from now on you're safe.
No matter what they try to do
I'm going to be here to protect you.
There's nothing going to
separate us, nothing!
I don't care if there's
a whole army...
I'll see you a little later.
I'll find him if it takes
all night to do it.
The swell must be over. When I got
down the ship was steady as a...
Say, there's that eccentric fellow again.
Has he been talking to you?
Yes, he has.
Now, my dear, you don't know
who or what he may be.
I don't like the look of him myself.
Why, I think he's rather nice looking.
Oh, uh... the purser's still
waiting for you, Mr. Hill.
My, he certainly keeps late
hours, doesn't he?
In an emergency, yes.
You have your passport, Mr. Hill?
Why, uh... why, yes.
Well, then let's not keep him
waiting any longer.
Oh, steer by the North Star
Look out for the moon
Sailor, beware, beware
Beware of your heart
One night of moonlight
Can start a typhoon
Sailor, beware, beware
Beware of your heart
Unfold that emotion
Whatever you do
Somebody lies over the ocean
And lies in wait for you
Love can't be found
With a compass or chart
So be smart, sailor beware
Be careful and watch your heart
See the world across that old Pacific
Where the gals are
All terrific if you like some Oriental
See the world across that old Atlantic
Where the gals are
So romantic if you likes them Continental
Go East, young man
Go West, young man
But don't go sentimental
Oh, steer by the North Star
Look out for the moon
Oh, sailor, beware, beware
Beware of your heart
You know that one night of moonlight
Can start a typhoon
Oh, sailor, beware, beware
Beware of your heart
Control that emotion
Whatever you do
Somebody lies over the ocean
And she lies right there in wait for you
Love can't be found
With a compass or chart
So be smart, you got to be careful
So beware and watch your heart
Steer by the North Star
Look out for the moon
Sailor, beware, beware
Beware of your heart
One night of moonlight
Can start a typhoon
Sailor, beware, beware
Beware of your heart
Control that emotion
Whatever you do
Somebody lies over the ocean
Yes she lies in wait for you
Love can't be found
With a compass or chart
So be smart, sailor beware
Be careful and watch your heart
Steer by the North Star
Look out for the moon
You got to look out, sailor
Beware, beware, beware of your heart
You know that one night of moonlight
Can start a typhoon
You got to look out, sailor
Beware, beware, beware of your heart
Control that emotion
Whatever you do
Somebody lies over the ocean
And she lies in wait for you
Love can't be found
With a compass or chart
So be smart, sailor beware
Be careful and watch your heart
Uh, it's open.
- Ah, food, eh?
- Where shall I put it, governor?
Uh, wh-where do you usually put it?
Most of them have breakfast
in bed, governor.
Oh, yeah? Well, I guess
that's alright too.
You don't have to undress, governor.
- Oh... oh, no?
- No.
Oh, well thank you very much.
Thank you, thank you.
I nearly fell out of this thing last night
when we was going around a curve.
- Everything alright, governor?
- Y... uh... I guess so.
How do I look?
Boy what a night this has been!
What a dawn!
What a sunrise!
Wha... what are you doing up there?
This is where you eat breakfast
on the boat.
What are you doing,
going to bed?
No, Doctor, I'm never going
to bed on this trip.
- Listen, you gotta help me out.
- Say, I've got everything all fixed for you.
- Is that right?
- Here, take this load of crap for me, will you?
With pleasure.
Wait till you see,
wait till you see this.
Here you go. Take a look at that.
Well, Doc, if a had some clothes
and a pair of shoes, I'd be all set.
Shoes? Oh, that's easy.
You know, a lot of people have been
throwing away their shoes.
- Throwing away their shoes?
- Yeah, the alley out there's full of them.
- I'll get you a pair in a minute.
- W-wait...
That Doc's all right.
Here you are, here's a pair.
Try these.
Won't do, Doc, they're too small.
Oh, yeah? Well, then I'll get
you some others.
Steward! Steward!
- What's the matter with you?
- Oh, don't mind me, Doc.
Well, here you are. You ought to get
a pair out of here somewhere.
Oh, that's swell.
Now, the next thing I gotta do is to think
how I'm gonna get you some clothes.
Yes, and another thing, we've got
to change our cabin.
Why, why, I think this is kind of cozy.
Yeah, I like that top shelf over there.
Well, for one thing, there's a guy
on this boat I don't want to run in to.
- Who's that?
- He's in the opposite cabin.
- Who's that?
- My boss.
You don't say!
Is he a sourpuss guy with gray hair
and wears nose glasses?
That's him. He mustn't see me
on this boat.
Oh, well look.
Uh, maybe if I swipe his glasses,
he couldn't see you.
Doctor, I don't know what church
you belong to, but brother...
You's a Christian.
Yeah, we men of the cloth
have our frivolous moments.
Steward! Steward!
Take it easy, take it easy.
- Uh, go get the glasses.
- Yeah, right.
Steward! Steward!
Oh... was you calling for a steward?
I thought I made that clear
to everyone on this boat.
I, uh... I sent him down to the corner,
he'll be back in a minute.
Oh, this is a nice little place
you got here.
If I don't get up on deck for a minute,
it won't do me a bit of good.
The motion of this boat is
beginning to get me.
Oh, seasick, huh? Maybe you ought
to take off your glasses.
I ought to do nothing of the kind.
I want to get up and get some air.
Oh, you want some air,
I'll give you some air. I'll... I'll...
Oh... oh, ain't they cute?
Parson, I'm in no mood
for anything cute.
I may need you later,
but now I'd rather suffer alone.
Well, that's alright. Of course
if there's anything you want...
why, just let me know,
I'm always glad to...
What's in this room a flying fish?
I don't know, maybe
it's a seagull, I...
I do all-around Minister work, you know.
If there's anything comes up like, uh...
a christening, or wedding,
or maybe a funeral...
Will you get out of here!
- Look... well, I got his glasses.
- Nice going.
- Did you ring, governor?
- Certainly I rang!
I left some shoes in the corridor
and they weren't returned.
- I'll look them up, governor.
- I want to go up on deck...
...and I can't find my glasses!
I'll take you to your deck chair, and when
I find your glasses, I'll bring them up to you.
Well, Doctor, if you'll excuse
me for a jiff,
I'll get me some clothes.
I hope he brought his gray suit.
Oh, that was the easiest thing
that ever happened to me.
- Hello, Mooney!
- Oh, hello, Bonnie!
Er... come in, come in!
Sorry to disturb you, Doctor, but does
James Hill occupy this cabin?
Uh... well... not very much.
Why, is there something wrong
with his tick?
Well, I think I'd better warn you, Doctor.
We've had a radiogram from Washington.
He's Snake Eyes Johnson,
public enemy number 1.
- No!
- Yes.
If he comes back, please
detain him and uh...
...send the little lady up and let me
know that he's here.
What a break, they'll grab this guy
for Snake Eyes and he'll take the rap.
- Yeah, but we mustn't let them, Bonnie.
- Why not?
I don't know. I... I...
I kinda like that fellow.
Besides, I think he's got a racket.
He stayed out all night.
Oh, Mooney, don't be a softy.
Here I am, oh...
Yeah, and I'm glad you are, look!
All set for the trip.
You, uh... you remember Bonnie.
- Hello, Bonnie
- Hello.
Yeah, listen, mister...
I'm afraid we're in sort of a jam.
My gosh, you'll have to tell
your Bishop.
Oh, no, no, nothing like that.
- Wise him up, Mooney, tell him who we are.
Well... look, look...
I'm not a clergyman.
I'm "Moonface" Martin.
I'm a... I'm a crook.
I'm wanted an America.
What would they want with
another crook in America?
You don't realize who he is. Moonface
is public enemy number 13.
Please, Bonnie, we don't have
to mention numbers.
Now, now, Mooney, you're gonna
work up, you got me to help you.
When the new list comes out
you may be six or seven.
Yeah, Washington didn't treat me
very fair in that last list.
Putting "Rat Nose" Steuben
ahead of me.
Anyway I don't see why they don't skip
thirteen like they do in office buildings.
Looks like he must have clipped
this off a portiere.
- Will you listen to me, please!
- Doctor, some other time, not now.
Make him listen, Mooney,
make him listen.
Now, you listen to me or I'll blow
the top of your head off.
Hey, hey, what have you got there?
That's me old pal, put put put.
Put put put, well, put put put it away,
will you? Stop playing with that thing.
I'm your pal. I'm not going
to give you away.
- But I have to get up on that deck.
- That's just what I'm leading up to.
That ticket I gave you belonged
to public enemy number 1.
Public enemy number 1?
You mean that punchy-looking fellow
on the passport picture?
Say, don't you go running down
Snake Eyes Johnson.
- Snake Eyes Johnson?
- Yeah, Snake Eyes Johnson.
So you see? We gotta hide
you someplace.
But I can't hide, I gotta find that girl.
She might be in danger right now.
Yeah, but the purser
is looking for you.
- Of course I could kill the purser.
- Yeah... no, no, you can't do that!
Well, what could they do to me?
Well, there has been rumors that they're
going to electrocute Snake Eyes.
They'll go all through the passengers
till they find you.
Oh, that'll be a cinch.
Wait a minute, Mooney, not so fast.
You stay here, I've got an idea.
We're one day out
And the time drags on
And we wish we could go and die
All the girls we left behind us
We know are engaged to some other guy
We know that womankind is false
They lie with every glance
But after we get in to port
We're going to give them one more chance
There will always be a lady fair
A Jenny fair or a Sadie fair
There'll always be a lady fair
Who's waiting there for you
There will always be a lady fair
To smooth your troubles
And to muss your hair
There'll always be a lady fair
Who's waiting there for you
- Hey, look out!
- What are you doing?
Pull your end up!
Now it you think that I'm looking
Somewhat tanner
Don't blame it on the sun
It's the moonlight and the sweetness
In your manner
That's making me the healthy one
When the moon hangs low
I begin to glow
And my day has just begun
I'm gonna get a moonburn
When I'm with you tonight
So very soon I'll moonburn
When you hold me tight
I'll ask the glowing stars up above me
What your lips will impart
And when they flash the word
That you love me
It'll warm my heart
I'll get a brand new moonburn
With every kiss from you
And if I have my way
If I can have my say
You'll get a moonburn too
I'm catching me some moonburns
When I get you alone with me tonight
So very soon I'll moonburn
When you hold me tight
I'll ask the glowing stars up above me
Tell me what your lips will impart
And when they flash the word
That you love me
Oh, it'll warm my heart
I'm gonna get me a brand new
Kind of a moonburn
With every kiss I get from you
And if I have my way, my say
You'll get a moonburn too
Stay undercover
You'll get a moonburn too
I see it is.
- Is everything all right?
- Perfectly.
But may I ask, are you crazy?
Yes, a little. About you.
Well, you... you pop up in such
unexpected places.
- Yes, don't I?
- And in such strange attire.
Why, I think it fits me rather well.
Didn't you know it insp...
If you're doing it for me,
you needn't.
Is that nice?
You seem to think I'm in danger
of some sort.
You don't have to tell me
unless you feel it's...
- Really, I'm perfectly all right, I...
- Oh, now, look here,
just for saying hello to you tonight
I get stuck up with a gun
I ask about you on the boat,
I get slugged silly.
- You can't expect me to believe that...
- It's perfectly simple.
I ran away from home.
You ran away?
Yes, and Lord Oakleigh, a friend
of the family, is bringing me back.
Oh, you mean the long guy
with the schnoz.
- Schnoz?
- Nose.
Incredible as it may seem,
that's the whole story.
- Honest?
- On a bride.
Well, even if a made a first-class
sap out of myself,
I'm glad to hear it.
Very glad.
Look, suppose you drop that disguise
and get into some clothes...
...and then we'll do something.
- I can't!
- Well, why not?
- Among other things my boss is on board.
- Well, would he mind?
- Would he mind?
Listen, I'm supposed to be back in New York
holding up Wall Street for him.
Instead of that, I let everything
drop and... followed you.
Oh, I am sorry.
You have made rather a mess
of things, haven't you?
Yes, but it's been worth it.
Meeting you.
Oh, there you are. It's jolly facing
this morning, isn't it?
I've been on the sun deck
since nine o'clock.
Awfully silly woman up there watching
the seagulls fly around.
Can you tell, she said, where
the seagulls go at night?
Seagulls, I said, go to the
gallery at night.
Do you know, my dear, she... she...
...went off like a flash of lightning
in search of the gallery.
Very amusing, don't you think?
Very amusing.
- What?
- Yes.
- Good morning, Miss Harcourt.
- Good morning, Captain.
- Lord Oakleigh.
- Morning, morning!
- Bit of a gale blowing isn't there?
- Nothing to speak of, sir.
I hope it isn't making you uncomfortable.
Oh, we Oakleighs are such bad sailors I hope
we have pleasant weather ahead.
Yes, indeed, sir.
I look forward to a very
smooth crossing.
Oh, let's hope you're right.
Anything I can do to make you
comfortable, let me know.
You'll get a moonburn too
And its mellow...
Hey what are you doing with a bucket,
brushing the crowner?
- I'm painting the ship.
- Well, it seems all right to me.
Well, it won't when I get
through with it.
Oh, that outfit is great.
Nobody would ever know you.
A little thing I...
Well, if you aren't the funniest
looking sailor I ever saw.
Yes, you're right,
it's the perfect disguise.
What are you doing,
working your way across?
Well, you wouldn't help me so my
good friend the Doc here offered to...
The Doc?
Say, wait a minute!
Come out from behind that collar,
I know you, Moonface.
Well, that makes both our
disguises perfect.
That's Moonface Martin, the slickest
conman in the world.
No more, no, no more.
I ain't a conman no more, I got out of it
when the mortgage companies took it over.
Say, Billy, how are you getting along
with your new girlfriend?
Oh, not so hot. There's an Englishman hangs
around all the time and watches her.
- Can I help you?
- You mean you would?
Can't stay mad at you. And to prove it I'll
take that English accent off your hands.
- I think we'd better bump him off.
- No, no, no, Doc, no rough stuff.
Uh, why yes, madam, you go down three decks,
turn to your right and ask for Curly John.
- Have you seen him yet, Doctor?
- Uh... er... who's that?
Why, Snake Eyes Johnson.
Personally, I think he got
off the boat.
Why, that's impossible. Do you realize
how far he'd have to swim?
Yeah, that's right, yeah...
Ah, but aren't you overlooking
the possibility of water winds?
Water winds.
He may have slipped down
to the second or third class.
- I'll have them look for him there.
- Yeah, he may have slipped down there.
Say, what is this Englishman
to Billy's girl?
- I think they're engaged.
- Do you know them?
I know him when I hear him.
He's got a monocle in his throat.
I wonder if that guy's
suitable for framing.
Just how do you mean?
Uh... couldn't you date him up
and get him running a temperature?
Oh, those Englishmen have awfully
high boiling points.
You see if, uh...
If you could wear something that
kinda falls off easy, I could, uh...
I could bust in and accuse him
of tearing your clothes off, see?
Oh, I get it, so that when his girlfriend
shows up she'll give him the air, huh?
That was the idea.
You know, if you weren't a friend
of Billy's, I'd unfrock you.
Uh... uh... Please, Reno, there's a time
and place for everything.
Let's go find them.
Uh, give me a glass of milk,
would you?
- What'll you have, daughter?
- I'll have the same, please.
Hello, Padre.
No, I guess you're mistaken.
Moon is my moniker.
- Moniker?
- That's my name.
Oh, moniker, yes, moniker.
Are you taking your sabbatical abroad?
She's not my sabbatical.
- No, she's Reno Sweeney.
- Oh, the chanteuse.
Uh, well, she never went
as far as that.
Er, Reno... Miss Sweeney, I want
you to meet this guy.
- How do you do?
- Evelyn Oakleigh is my uh... moniker.
I'm delighted to meet you, Miss Sweeney.
I spent an evening at your nightclub once.
It was quite eventful.
You affected me so much I turned to the
friend I was with and said, look here,
why don't we get married
in a year or two?
You... you certainly... you certainly
work fast, don't you?
- That's milk!
- Yes, yes...
I say, can't we get together for cocktails
in my cabin before lunch?
- Oh, this is too easy.
- I beg your pardon?
I say, it's too easy to succumb
to temptation,
I never touch intoxicating
liquors myself uh... much.
- Well, I'll be glad to come.
- Right, then I'll see you at one.
Come in.
- Did you ring, sir?
- Oh, there you are.
Bring me a dozen martini
cocktails, will you?
And, steward, make it snappy.
- Yes... make it snappy.
- Yes, sir.
Come in.
Just put it on the bed, will you?
- Leave it there.
- I beg your pardon?
I say, I thought it was the steward with
my cocktails. I'm awfully glad it is you.
We've got oodles of time before
lunch. Do sit down, will you?
I do so want to have
a chat with you.
Well, I'm glad you feel that way about me
because I'm certainly that way about you.
- What way?
- Oh, that way.
Oh, you know I love your
American expressions.
I'm making a collection of them.
Just a minute, will you?
To feel that way about a person
means to rub his neck.
I say, do tell me some
others, will you?
But you don't understand.
I mean you do things to me.
- I do things to you?
- Evie, that means I like you.
Oh, it means you like me,
how devastating!
Racy language, the American.
"You do things to me".
- Oh, I give up.
- "You do things to me".
What's going on here?
So, so this is what I find!
You beast!
You despoiler of innocent girlhood!
Look at this poor child!
Her clothes torn off by your
fiendish attack!
Standing there in all her nakedness.
- Uh... must be something wrong here.
- There's nothing wrong here.
Er... well, maybe I'm wrong,
wait a minute.
What's going on here?
Sitting there in your nakedness!
Your clothes torn off in a fiendish
attack by this innocent girl.
- Hey, wait a minute, Moonface!
- No, stand back!
I will not permit this British
lion to twist... er...
I will not permit American womanhood
to twist the British lion by the tail.
And don't think Miss Harcourt won't know
about this because I'm going to tell her.
Yes, do tell her, and make
it thicker, will you?
She's always complaining
I lack fervor.
No... wait a minute, you don't
get the idea.
And be sure and call me a beast.
I rather like that one.
- You don't mind, Miss Sweeney, do you?
- Now wait a minute!
Uh... yeah... wait a minute.
You ain't taking the right attitude.
You're supposed to get scared.
Go on, get scared.
This is a serious business!
I'm a dangerous man!
Oh, come, come, Padre, you're an
old dear and you know it.
I'll prove to you I'm a desperate character.
You mind waiting a minute?
Don't go away.
I say, do you know what's wrong
with the little fellow?
Listen, Evie, I really like you.
And I'll give you the lowdown.
Even if I have to take
the rap myself.
He was set to bust in here
and catch us in a clinch.
And you didn't clinch, that's all.
You mean he thought
I'd make love to you?
Well, that was my idea when
I came in here.
How exciting!
Now I guess you realize
how serious this is.
Hey, what are you trying to pull?
Give me that gun!
- No.
- Give me that...
It's all right, Padre.
You thought I'd take advantage of Miss
Sweeney and you came to her rescue.
And I admire you for it. I can't tell you
how much I admire you, Padre.
You do things to me.
Keep away from me or I'll shoot.
- Miss Harcourt?
- Yes.
Thank you.
- Did you wish anything, miss?
- No, I didn't ring.
The sailor said your bell was out
of order and you called for a steward.
- There must be some mistake.
- Sorry, Miss.
The bathroom tap reported
out of order, miss.
All right, come in.
My heart and I
Were discussing your charms
We decided that you
Should be in my arms
My arms and I
Felt a thrill at the start
We decided that you
Should be in my heart
We're so in love with you
Both my heart and I
Love me do
Then as years go by
Both my heart and I
Will forever be true
For all that I want is your heart
And you
Could we hear it again?
My heart and I.
My heart and I
Were discussing your charms
We decided that you
Should be in my arms
My arms and I
Felt a thrill at the start
We decided that you
Should be in my heart
We're so in love with you
Both my heart and I
Love me do
Then as years go by
Both my heart and I
Will forever be true
For all that I want is your heart
And you
- Well, mine's chocolate.
- Mine's laudnum.
Oh, that's interesting.
No, we don't want anything, thank you.
- No, no soup, no soup.
- I said we don't want it!
Yeah, we don...
- Billy!
- Shh!
- That's no good, that outfit won't do.
- You're telling me. Listen, Doc,
you gotta go down to the cabin
and get me a suit of clothes.
I can't, there's guards hanging
all over the doorknob.
I gotta get a suit of clothes
Hey, there's a suit of clothes.
- Only there's a man in it.
- I'll investigate.
He's asleep. He's got a suit on.
And he don't need the suit.
Let's take it off!
- You watch the stairs, Reno.
- Yeah, that's a man's job.
Hey, here comes someone.
Hey, hey, hey, go on play
somewhere else, scat!
My aunt says I can play
anywhere on this boat I want.
Well, you go get your aunt
and play with her.
Here, tell her that you won this.
Come on, come on,
let's get busy, see?
Let's get busy... Ahhh!
Hey, hey, sonny.
Wait just a minute.
- Do you like to do that?
- Sure.
I like to stick them and see them jump.
You do, huh?
Would you like to do it again?
- No, no, no more, I can't take it.
- Not you... come here.
Well, we got it.
Really, Mr. Whitney, you can't
go around like this.
I beg your pardon.
Well, how do you like that?
Of all the people on this boat and
we gotta steal my boss's pants.
You should have gotten his coat too.
Yeah, but even if he had a coat,
he'd still need a beard.
- What goes on here?
- We're looking for a beard.
There's a beard.
Bonnie, go down to the barber shop
and borrow a pair of clippers.
Doc, I admire how your mind works,
but you can't get away with that.
Billy, the kid's got a cute thought.
Let's dwell on it.
Here's your hat and coat.
- Oh, he fell down!
- It's okay, boys.
Yeah, it's alright.
Wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute!
Hey... wait till he lights.
I got it.
Pick a fight, you know.
Oh, hello.
You can't say that to me
and get away with that!
You take off your coat and we'll
fight it out right here.
- What's the matter with him?
- Oh, go ahead, knock his block off.
I wouldn't take that from anybody.
I'll hold your coat.
- You wanna fight?
- Yeah!
All right, I apologize.
- I guess it won't work now.
- Who said I won't work?
My wife told you to say that.
It's a lie.
- You can't say that to me!
- Ahhh!
I get a kick out of this
Well, here's a pair of pants
and a tie.
Yes, ma'am, a coat and a hat.
- Well, I guess this fixes me up.
- Hm-hmm.
Yeah, but you still...
Look, you still gotta have something
to cover that face.
- Gee wiz, if I only had a beard.
- Yeah, if you only had a beard.
If he only had a beard.
- That's all the man has.
- Very nice too.
Look, look, listen.
We'll get a clip out of you
Oh, how do you do, sister?
- How do you do?
- Could we have a little conversation together?
- Yes, indeed, Doctor.
- Won't you sit down?
Thank you.
You know, I've seen you aboard.
And I seemed so eager to make
your acquaintance.
- Is that so, well.
- Yes, indeed.
- We've a lot to talk about.
- You don't say! Well, what about?
You see, I'm honorary president
of the Texas??? League.
Well, I prefer the Nationals myself...
uh... you don't say?
Yes, I'm an ardent fighter
for reform in the schools.
Oh, then I'm your man. We forget only too
quickly what we learned at reform schools.
Why, Doctor, are you interested
in prison reform?
Oh, yes ind... of course...
Yes indeed!
Surely you don't approve of
capital punishment.
What was good enough for my father
is good enough for me.
Uh... uh... I'll never forget what
a judge once said to me.
He sa... we'll skip that sentence.
What do you think of the
Detroit Tigers?
The Detroit Tigers?
I knew a family in Detroit by
the name of Lions.
Lions? Well, I know Max Baer,
but he was from San Francisco.
I don't think I understood
just what you said.
That's alright... you wasn't listening.
Doctor, I've enjoyed this little
chat very much.
- I'm glad somebody has.
- I hope I'll see you again sometime.
- I'm afraid so.
- I'm sure I do.
Goodbye... good...
Now that's what I call
"Puttin' on the Dogz".
Well, to tell the truth, I feel
like a dog.
- What do you mean?
- Reno, you're really a pet.
You asked me to sail with you
and I say no.
I fall for another girl and you
still help me.
Well, I guess you know why.
At words poetic I'm so pathetic
That I always have found it best
Instead of getting them off my chest
What then?
To let them rest unexpressed
I hate parading my serenading
For I'd probably miss a bar
But if this ditty is not so pretty
At least it'll tell you
How great you are
Proceed You're the top
You're just saying that
You're the Swanee River
You're the top
You're a VA flivver
You're the buds that grow
When the winter snow drifts north
You're the Walls of China
You're Carolina, you're Santa Claus
Make more
You're a night in the streets of Cairo
You're a flight in an autogyro
I'm the lazy hound that hangs
Around the shop
But if, baby, I'm the bottom
You're the top
Oh, Reno, you're the top
Who me
Yes, man, you're the roof of heaven
You're the top
Now you're kidding
I wouldn't kid you
You're a lucky 7
You're the curves that whiz
From an arm like Dizzy Dean's
You're Niagara's waters
You're Dionne's daughters
And you're Boston beans
Could be the Cubs of Boston?
Mame! You're the great
Mr. Einstein's noodles
And your weight
Well, let's see
An apple strudel
Thanks loads!
I'm a good for nought
An afterthought, a flop
But if baby I'm the bottom
You're the top
Why, you're the top
You's the King Tut's mummy
You're the top
You're Paul Whiteman's tummy
On the wall you can see him
You're an angel too
Simply too, too, too diveene
Why, you're Botticelli
You're Keats
You're Shelley
You're Listerine
You're a boom
You're the dam at Boulder
You're the moon
Over Mae West's shoulder
I'm a worn out play
That can't be made to stop
But if I'm beyond assistance
You're the top
You're the top
You're a Bengal lancer
You're the top
You're a burlesque dancer
Here, fix this on
And get it on real tight
You're a Gershwin ditty
Do you think I'm pretty?
Baby, you're dynamite
Oh, thanks so much, really
In that beard
Some stylish beard
You look Romanian
But I'm afeared
Come on, come on
I'm a Pomeranian
It's full of fleas
I'm afraid to sneeze or cough
Here comes the purser
What could be worser than that?
Guess that's all
Uh... uh... come in.
Oh, Dr. Moon, we were just
beginning a search for you.
I'm afraid we have some bad
news for you.
Well... I was afraid we wouldn't
get away with it.
- It's about your pupils.
- Why, what's the matter with my pupils?
I mean, your Chinese pupils.
My Ch... my... oh, ohh...
Oh, them.
We don't allow gambling
in the third class.
You must make them understand
or we'll have to lock them up.
I've sent for them and I'm going
to turn them over to you.
Now look here, now, I've got
enough troubles as it is...
...without your ringing in a couple
of Chinese on me.
But you must talk to them, Doctor.
After all, you're responsible for them.
Every time we speak to them they
tell us to see the Bishop.
Oh... Oh... the Bishop, huh?
Here they are, sir.
Come on, get in here.
Maybe I said something.
Uh, do you mind? I think I'd better
talk to these boys alone.
All right, I'll leave them here
with you for a while, Doctor.
Shut the door.
Er... what can I do for you boys?
Where's the Bishop?
The Bishop ain't here right now.
Is there anything I can do?
- Shipman take away cards.
- Oh, you've been gambling, huh?
Well, don't you know good
Christians never gamble?
Not only is it sinful but if you don't know
how to deal from the bottom,
you lose all your money.
Oh, we no lose, we win.
- Three hundred dollars.
- Yes, three hundred dollars.
Uh... you got three hundred dollars!
There's a little game I'd like
to show you.
Get down there on the floor.
Now look. I've got fifty dollars, see?
I put up my 50 and you put up your 300.
I throw a number and if I throw the same
number before I throw a seven, I win.
If I don't, you win, you understand it?
Oh, money from home.
Here it is. Beat me!
Get your... Here, here, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute!
- Boxcar!
- Craps, you lose!
Well, I didn't say anything about that.
- Oh, we know about that.
- Yeah, I can see that you do.
Well, we'll try it again. Look, you put
your money on the floor...
...and I'll put mine on the cuff, see?
And we'll...
And make them better men.
Although they're pretty good already.
- I think they'll be alright now.
- Thank you, Doctor, for your help.
That's alright, just part
of the daily routine.
- Take them along.
- Yes, sir.
Oh, dinner, huh?
No, that's the trap-shooting
contest on the upper deck.
Now look here, if there's going to be
any more crap shooting on this boat,
I won't play unless you bar
those Chinese.
Oh, no, Doctor. Trap-shooting contest.
You know, you shoot at clay
pigeons with guns.
- What do you shoot for?
- Well, the first prize is fifty dollars.
Oh... can I use my own gun?
Why, certainly, Doctor.
It starts in fifteen minutes.
You'll excuse me?
Hm... even-steven.
- Thank you, steward.
- Excellent score, sir.
Yes, of course!
Here you are, sir.
I say, twenty-four out of twenty-five,
not bad, what?
Splendid, Evie, and you ought to win.
My heart and I
Will forever be true
For all that I want
Is your heart and you
Well, for my goodness alive sake!
- Is this not Miss Haircut?
- Harcourt.
Hope Harcourt.
This is Sir Evelyn Oakleigh.
Seor Arturo del Arteo
d'El Greco.
- How do you do, won't you sit down?
- Gracias!
I was told I should introduce
myself to you... my dear, dear cousin
the Duke Vintfrancs et Dix.
The Duke of Vingtfrancs et Dix.
Oh, I must have met him in Paris.
Oh, the French. They have been so kind
to my poor family since the revolution.
Yes, you have to take your
hat off to the French.
You must have to take your shirt
off to the French.
I say!
Gun, sir?
- What's the matter with you?
- I say, old boy, are you ill?
There's something wrong with
this man, Evie, I know.
Yes, nervous or something, I think,
I don't know.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the winner of the trap-shooting contest
is the Reverend Dr. Moon!
Excuse me, no?
You see, I'm a little shell-shocked.
When the revolution she is coming
to my beloved country...
- You see?
- I'm so sorry you aren't feeling well.
I'd love to hear that delightful
tune you just sang.
Oh, to sing for mademoiselle I would
gladly leave a very sick bed, is it not?
No it isn't!
My heart and I
Were discussing your charms
We decided that you
Should be in my arms
My arms and I
Felt such a thrill at the start
We decided that you
Should be in my heart
We're so in love with you
Both my heart and I
Love me... me do
And then as years go...
I say, dogs do take to you,
don't they?
Both my heart and I
Will forever be true
For all that I want
Is your heart and you
This big fellow, he thinks he's lap dog.
- Hello!
- How are you, Mr. Johnson?
Captain, here's our man.
- Who do you think I am?
- I know who you are
You're Snake Eyes Johnson,
public enemy number 1.
Hands up!
One false move and I'll shoot.
Disarm that man.
Bonnie, grab the fiddle.
- There, don't get tough now!
- Let me have that gun!
- Dr. Moon, what's the meaning of this?
- I'm no Doctor, I'm...
He's Moonface Martin, public
enemy number 13.
Bonnie, how many times have I asked
you not to mention numbers?
- And who are you?
- I'm Mrs. Snake Eyes Johnson.
- Come on, Evie, let's go.
- Wait a minute, I'm no public enemy.
My name is Crocker, William Crocker.
- Never talk, never talk!
- Take them away.
Wait a minute, Captain, You're making
a big mistake. I can prove who I am.
Here's Mr. Whitney.
Mr. Whitney's my boss.
He'll tell you who I am.
Do you know that man?
I never saw him before!
They're over there in the Royal Suite.
- Hello, Reno.
- Are you going to spring us?
Well, I've been to the Captain, I told them
all who you are but they won't believe me.
- Have you seen her?
- She's hiding in her cabin.
- She won't see anybody.
- Well, you've got to see her and explain.
Gee, Reno, you don't know what
this means to me.
I've worked on your boss too,
but no luck.
He's sore, he says this will
teach you a lesson.
He would.
I've tried to reason with Sir Oakleigh
but he thinks I'm your gun moll.
Yeah, well now, don't worry,
we'll beat the rap somehow.
We probably will, but by that time
she'll be married or... or something.
Well, you still got me.
She may be prettier than I am
but she can't like you any more.
So, with Reno and me...
You're the top
You're the Swanee River
You're the top
You're a goose's liver
By a girly side
You're the envy of every man
You're a Russian ballet
You're Rudy Vallee
You're celophane
She must be disgusted with me.
You're much more
You're a field of clover
I'm the floor
When the ball is over
Don't worry, Billy,
you'll see her all right.
Yeah, yeah, but when?
Whe she's somebody else's wife.
Alright, miss, your time is up.
Your landing card, what?
- Thanks.
- No more Americans, what?
- No more Americans.
- Mrs. Ronald McFeil, what?
That's right.
Pick you up in about ten minutes.
Not a very warm reception, Evie.
My dear Reno, if you still persist...
I say, what are you doing with
all those things on your head?
Oh, never mind about that, I've just
seen the captain and it's no use.
You're the only one left
who can help Billy.
He's so much in love with
Miss Harcourt.
So you see, even if I didn't believe...
...Billy was a public enemy,
it's too late now, anyway.
- Not if we work fast.
- Oh, I'm no sap!
I know who he is, I know who you are too,
you're a gunman's moll, that's who you are.
Why, the very first time
you met me... tried to play the badger game
on me, you said so yourself.
But that was only to give
Billy a chance.
Oh, and who is this Billy? The American
government says he's a public enemy...
...and you say he's not. Who am I
to believe, you or your uncle?
- Uncle?
- Samuel or whatever the fellow's name is.
He's run for the government,
the whole thing, you know the fellow I mean.
Oh, I can't get to Miss Harcourt, the captain
won't believe me and you won't believe me.
- I guess I'd better give up.
- Why don't you reform?
If you'd only change your ways,
I could go for you.
Dash it all, I'm that way
about you!
- You mean you're in love with me?
- Terrifically!
Well, I get a kick out of you too.
It's no use, I can't be expected
to marry a gunman's moll.
Why, the honor of the family
comes into it.
We all have our honor, haven't we?
You certainly can ask the most
embarrassing questions.
48, 49, 50, 51...
Merry old England.
Imagine five days in this joint,
it's a wonder I haven't gone nuts.
Well, this ain't so bad.
Was you ever in jail in Cicero?
I don't mean the new one,
I mean the old one.
Listen, Doc, will you lay off those
travel lectures, I'm sick of them.
You know, I've been in a lot
of tough hoosegows in my life.
But in Splitlip, Nevada, they got the
cutest little chair you ever saw.
You wanna do me a favor, Doc,
just keep quiet.
Alright, I was just trying to keep
your mind on something cheerful.
I know you were thinking about her.
I know, Doc, you've really
been pretty swell.
Will you stop worrying?
Do me a favor, you'll hear from her.
She's landing today,
I'll never see her again.
Sure you will, sure you will. They can't
give you no more than ten years.
Ten years?
Boy, you're sure a big help.
Well, you're better off
than I am at that.
- Yoo-hoo!
- Now, Doc, don't start crying for me.
- Yoo-hoo!
- Hey, hey, hey, look, look!
- Why the boat's turned over!
- I know that face.
It's Reno!
Listen, I gotta work fast. I got
a sailor holding me by the feet.
- They won't let me down to see you.
- Well, what's going to happen to us?
Well, they ain't gonna let you off.
They're going to send you right back.
Is there anything I can do for you?
- Well, you might...
- Wait a minute, Doc. Listen, Reno.
- Have you seen Miss Harcourt?
- No, but I've seen Sir Oakleigh.
They're marrying Miss Harcourt off
to Captain McFeil as soon as she lands.
Oh, listen, Reno, you must see her.
But Billy, it's no use.
I've tried everything.
Well... I guess I'll have
to say goodbye.
Can you get us some cigarettes
before you go?
Sure, just a minute.
Hey there, going up!
Gee wiz, if she could only get to her
for a minute and talk to her.
- Here you are, kid.
- Thanks.
Hey, what's the idea of the
Chinese getup?
We're doing our big Chinese
number on the dock.
- On the dock?
- Yeah, Sam's idea.
The most collossal publicity stunt ever
pulled off on this side of the Atlantic.
Hey listen, you mugs,
cut that out!
I'm going to get out of here if I have
to tear this ship apart. Now, what about...
Open it up.
Go on, get in there.
Lock it up.
What... what are you boys in for?
We cleaned whole third class
out in crap game.
- Oh, is that so?
- Shipman take away money.
- But he say we get out when ship land.
- Oh, he... oh, lucky boys.
Mine fits, how's yours?
Well, the coat's alright but I
don't know so much about the skirt.
- You boys play poker?
- We no got money.
Oh, you don't need money,
this is er... strip poker.
Step in the office here.
Now... you don't bet money.
You bet something you're wearing, see?
- You boys play stud?
- We have studied stud.
- We savvy stud.
- Yeah, I thought you would.
Well, here we go.
Alright, your high, Billy,
what do you bet?
Well, I'll bet my coat.
- Well, you stake for a coat?
- I stake for a coat.
You stake, I stake for a coat.
Now, your high, what do you bet?
- I bet my pants.
- You call pants?
- I call pants.
- You call pants?
- I call pants.
Yeah, I call pants.
Calling all pants!
Calling all pants! Calling all pants!
Chinaboy, you catcha sight of
Missie Hope?
No, no catcha, no catcha.
They got a special place
for British subjects.
- She must go through there.
- Okay, I guess we scram.
We scram.
- There they are!
- Oh yes, there they are.
Up to speak.
"Reno Sweeney and her widows...
...present their celebrated Chinese
number at the Southampton docks."
Stars over Shanghai
Moon hanging low
But no one cares to look above
They're dancing to the rhythm of
The Shanghai-Dee-Ho
Night over Shanghai
Gay lanterns glow
When coolies feel like mandarins
As soon as any band begins
The Shanghai-Dee-Ho
Laundry men
Sing and fling your shirts about
All of them are nursed about
This Harlem rhythm
Rickshaw men go right through
The traffic stop
Then they get the traffic cops
To do it with them
It has China by the queue
And soon the chows and pekinese
Will stay away from cherry trees
And try to do it too
All over Shanghai
Cool breezes blow
And every band is blowing hot
They've all got rhythm
'Cause they've got the Shanghai-Dee-Ho
Your buffoonery is in very
bad taste.
I've never been so humiliated in my
entire career in the theater.
Yes, well it's bad all over
the country.
Me got me plenty much money
Chinese big shot phooey-phoo-phoo
Me good-time Chinese Charlie
And I'd like to have a chat with you
You've gotta have rhythm
If you want romance
You gotta have rhythm or
You haven't got a Chinaman's chance
Me like Amelican Lhythm
I like singing song for you
Me like Harcourt, she too
Reno goes for Oakleigh too
You're the top, you're the top
You're the top
All the same you're like a lotus
You're the top, you're the top
You're the top
You're a mustard poultice
Stars over Shanghai
Moon hanging low
But nobody want to make chop suey
Everybody wants to do the
Shanghai, Shanghai
I'll thank you to take your hands
off me, Mister Gangster!
Will you stop calling me a gangster?
Gangster, gangster, that's all
you are, a married gangster.
I'm not married, I'm a single
gangster, I mean, I...
Oh, so you admit it, you are married.
- Darling, please listen.
- Will you let me out of here?
Come on now, Hope, you've got
to believe me, I love you.
Hey, hey, Bonnie!
Who let you out?
The captain. Everything's okay.
- Yeah?
- Read this.
"Real Snake Eyes Johnson arrested
in New York last night.
Release man you are holding
with full apologies."
I say, that's splendid.
There's nothing to stop us now.
What does it say about me.
"Moonface Martin, once rated
public enemy number 13,
is now relegated to 1313."
Thirteen hundred and thirteen?
"Not dangerous and not wanted."
I can't understand this administration.