Apple Thieves (2024) Movie Script
1
Hi.
Surely you can ditch the mask.
So, I have gathered your
clothes in these bags.
And um...
This is almost everything and in the attic...
...are your chairs and that red thing.
Have you grown a beard?
Is your hair longer as well?
What is this new style of yours?
What?
Why the sad face?
What would help?
Should I jerk you off?
Move.
Hi!
- Oh, Mona...
Welcome, come on in.
Hi, it's been so long.
Hello. I'm Karri...
- Cousin. - Okay, welcome.
All of this? - Yeah, all of these boxes.
The management is here.
Is Paddle here? In the bedroom?
There's only more stuff.
- No Paddle here,
and obviously I would have
tripped on a python if he was here.
Sebbe, good to see you.
- Karri!
Having allergies?
- A bit...
Interesting at this time of the year, right?
I'm calling Paddle.
- Where are you guys moving?
I am moving.
Sup. Where?
With whom?
- Joni, get to work!
Paddle is at some bar with someone.
It fits here.
Tetris, bro.
I'm so glad you came.
- Of course.
Message me for real!
- I will.
Lovely, yay.
Thank you everyone!
It was nice meeting you.
- Many thanks!
I went straight in for a... yeah.
Yeah, see you soon for real!
Bye. Let's keep in touch.
I'm sitting here.
- No way!
What the fuck? - This is Sebbe's adventure.
Besides, Rauno made me responsible for you.
There we go.
There's no reason you
couldn't have good feng shui here.
You can use this time to reminisce, or...
...okay, sorry.
- Can we go now?
Fuck yeah, pizza! Paddle is
a moron for not coming.
Useless dude.
- Useless?!
A man equipped with a battering ram is not useless,
he's one of God's most graceful creations...
How useful was he today?
- How do you measure usefulness?
How useful was Sebbe today?
- There are excuses and real reasons.
What's a real reason?
- A recent break-up for example!
Paddle has a fucking huge paddle!
- Well, that has nothing to do with this...
in a SAMPPA BATAL film
APPLE THIEVES
No way... No fucking way!
Well you know that I'm eating,
so can you leave me the fuck alone?
Fucking hell!
- This is just classic you.
You're buying me a new shirt!
- The fuck I am.
You ruined this, you're buying a new one.
- Thanks for helping.
It was good to see you.
- Hey, good luck.
What the fuck is this? Let's go!
- No, I have...
You have what?
- I have all this stuff...
Are you in a hurry to go
cut yourself or something?
Come on now.
You can masturbate later.
I guarantee you'll have time.
Do you hear me?
You can masturbate later.
We need you on this journey.
You need this. And we need you.
Anything for one euro?
The cheaper ones are over there.
- You have an alarm system here?
Fucking ace.
My cousin is fucking poor,
but he has to buy me a new shirt.
This is similar. Take this.
- It's completely different, actually.
Actually, it's exactly the same shirt.
- Actually, now that I look at it closely,
it's completely different.
- Salesperson?
This is not even a Hawaiian shirt!
- Let me see the other one.
They are very similar indeed.
- Try it on.
OK, wait.
I need to check.
Go ahead, there's a mirror.
- That's not what I mean. Hi!
This is fucking awesome.
Sebbe, check it out.
Hi, honey. - Hello.
- What do you think?
Alright, sorry.
- All good.
Thanks for covering for me.
- Of course. Are you okay?
Yeah.
- Did you get any sleep?
What the fuck is this music again?
It's not that nice.
- But Karri destroyed my old shirt.
What do you mean?
- Look, pizza.
Look!
- Let me see.
Isn't this fucking neat!
And that you find "nice"? Karri take
this away, Siiri doesn't approve of it.
Buy it if you fucking want to!
- What's the plan for tonight?
Having drinks with Siiri.
- And after that you'll join us, right?
You like that one?
- No.
Time to party. Sebbe is going
to get very drunk tonight.
I'm not drinking tonight.
- You totally are!
I am not drinking tonight.
- of course you are Sebbe, -
- we are going to flush away your sorrow.
- Was that all?
It would be nice to see you tonight.
Well, I'm not sure if you're
going to get blackout drunk.
I am excellent drinking company.
Karri activated the alarm.
Fucking dork, you're wearing the jacket!
Sensitive alarm system.
- Alright, let's keep in touch.
I didn't take anything, I swear.
- Don't worry.
Were you looking at this?
Isn't this cool?
- Yeah! It fits like a fist in the ass.
This doesn't suit me.
- Says who?
Mona.
Mona says it doesn't suit you?
Mona doesn't suit you!
Fucking hell.
Has Mona chosen all of your clothes?
Everything has been chosen by Mona?
Not the beanie.
You can insert the card.
It's waiting for the amount.
- Oh crap, sorry.
It's not working?
- No, or let's see.
There have been some issues with cards today.
I bet it's the 5G chips in the vaccines.
- I've had two vaccines...
I've had two as well,
it must mess with the connections.
There!
- Thank you.
I can't print the receipt...
- Well...
Karri says we can manage without.
- Yeah, it's fine.
Are you sure?
- We can email it to you.
No, it's fine.
- Bye bye!
No alarm!
Thank you, bye!
- Thanks, bye!
Very professional.
- Would you have wanted his email address?
What?
- His email address.
What the hell?
- The receipt as an excuse.
Enough!
- Just asking.
Karri, get me a grey one.
- Huh? - A grey one!
A concrete water.
- A concrete water?
Isn't it cool?
- Fucking cool. Rare nowadays.
And it works.
- And it works.
Sup.
- Two grey ones.
Would you like something?
- A coffee, please.
You have other friends as well?
- That would be seventeen.
Sebbe, can you get this?
- Seventeen.
Neat as fuck phone.
Fucking hell Sebbe, did you order a coffee?
I see. You have to start slow,
if you don't have what it takes.
I decided to have a long drink,
because it's like a mint.
Haven't you brushed your teeth?
- I have, but we ate pizza and stuff.
And it keeps blood sugar levels high.
Tonight's the night. Siiri is coming with us.
How many days in a row, Paddle?
Five.
I need to start getting drunk,
all the clothes took all my energy.
Hold it under your tongue.
- Huh?
This? Do you think I'm a fucking idiot?
- Fuck yes.
What are you...? Sebbe!
I'm sorry.
- No, no.
No need to apologize.
Cry as much as you need to.
Was this a mistake, should I have...?
- No way, -
- you've been in a crossroads
and you've had to choose.
And I think you've taken the right turn.
It's supposed to feel like this.
You just need to shed your skin.
Like pythons and anacondas
in the Amazon jungle or in Paddle's pants.
And then you will be ready
for all the good that's coming to you.
What if nothing good is coming?
That's just faulty logic.
Even if it's dark right now,
it doesn't mean the sun won't rise.
Joni, it's not dark outside.
- Yeah.
How the fuck would you know,
you're wearing sunglasses?
Sebbe, you sailed into
a stormy sea and it's scary,
but if you never sail the sea,
what are boats for then?
I can't stand seeing you like this.
- You are so fucking stupid.
I don't know, I took the Mensa online test,
and the result wasn't that bad.
Can I have a pen and a piece of paper?
Here's a pen and this.
Take this to the chick
in the second hand shop.
This is a new start!
If you won't take it to her, I will.
I swear, I will.
Nobody is taking anything anywhere.
I bet he went to deliver the number.
Fucking hell...
Joni!
- I got this.
You're not going anywhere, for real.
- I know what I'm doing.
Give me the phone.
- Give the phone the fuck back!
Not fresh.
Phones are off limits!
There's my intestine bacteria on it,
you'll get diarrhea.
You're not going anywhere!
- Hey, this hurts me more than you.
Can you stop?
You're not taking any
fucking note anywhere!
This is for your own good!
- No it's not!
That person doesn't even know
what I look like under the mask!
Nobody like her wants to be with someone like me!
- of course she wants to be with you.
I am going to take this by foot if...
- The fuck you are!
I am asking you for this one thing!
Sebbe, violence is not the answer.
That way! And don't you get lost!
- What the fuck...?
I'm not telling Rauno,
that something has happened to you!
Seriously, let go of me... Karri!
- Sebbe.
Seriously...
- Sebbe.
Okay, let's go and get drunk.
Things are taken care of!
Look at Paddle, he's panicking.
- Paddle is not panicking!
He's all over the place!
- one more thing...
Sorry, sorry, sorry...
- Can I help you with something?
I just had a...
Did I really lose it?
Fuck, I need to make a call.
- Okay, but...
zero, four, five. Three, two, eight...
Seven, seven, no wait, seven, six.
- You always fuck up.
What's going on?
- Was that it?
one, six.
- One, six. See ya, bye.
This is the shy one's phone
number who just bought the jacket.
Not that fucking blabbermouth.
He's my cousin.
Okay... What do I do with this?
Bye.
Are you home?
I am.
How about a movie and some tortillas tonight?
I don't think I'll stay late at Kaisla's.
The others are going to a bar, but
Kaisla has no idea of this -
- so she might have other plans already.
And I would like to spend the evening at home.
I have the gig tonight.
- Shit, right.
What time does the train leave?
I don't remember.
- Okay, will you stay the night there?
I don't know.
Could you walk the dog
so it doesn't piss and shit inside?
It would be for the best.
- No, it's a stupid idea!
I'm shitty company right now.
Seriously, Tomppa.
Then you'll be sad at home.
Then you'll fight with Mauri again -
- and your night will be ruined.
So no! This is Kaisla's party!
I am going to bed.
- No you're not! A very stupid idea!
okay, hey, yeah! This is
going to be a proper adventure.
Do me a favor and forget about Mauri.
Once we are really drunk, -
- you'll call the number you got today.
- No way!
You're calling him, or I will!
I saw the eye contact...
Tomppa, no!
- Seriously.
I don't have the number anymore.
- You have it somewhere in your pocket!
I left it at work.
- Look, you're smiling!
When we talk about Mauri,
you're always fucking serious.
I'm sorry for saying this,
but it has been like this for years.
Life is very short. You should
do the things that make you happy.
Good. Hi!
- We're taking these.
Give it to me.
I'll take everything, thank you.
Let's take a scooter.
- Proper adventure!
Have either of you actually ridden those before?
I rode a scooter two summers ago!
She rode one two summers ago,
this is going to go well.
Fucking hell. Those things kill!
okay, my turn, right?
How to put this...
Never have I ever
been fucked in the ass.
I'm going to have to drink as well.
Easy one, cheers!
Never have I ever ridden one
of those electric scooters.
Horrible machines!
I read on the newspaper -
- that somebody had lost half
of their skull falling over with one.
I have a good one!
- Let's hear it. - No, your turn.
Never have I ever been in
love with my friend's mother-in-law.
Seriously Tomppa, her mother-in-law.
- Is Vuokko single? - She's married.
Well, lot's of people are married
and things still happen, so...
I often spend a night with someone
who's married, and it's nothing...
Seriously?
- People have different...
I can't know what kind of
relationship two individuals have.
Sometimes you meet that person
once in your life. only for that one night.
Kaisla and the baby!
- Right, hello!
I was in between studies and work,
so Kaisla suggested I come work there.
Right. Lovely. What is it that you do there?
Well, I'm a salesperson,
or we are, me and Tom.
Hi, yes. Tom, hello.
- Hello, I'm Sini.
I'll have everything
the mother-to-be can't have.
Congratulations!
Vuokko, are you Kaisla's mother-in-law?
- Yes, Klaus is my son and this...
vuokko is going to be a grandmother.
- Right, granny!
If Klaus is the real father! I hope so.
Vuokko here!
Congratulations to my baby!
You're here, lovely to see you! - It's been at least two weeks!
Three weeks, actually.
Hi, you're here as well.
How's your boyfriend?
When are you going to...
Well, we haven't discussed it...
Yeah, not a current topic for us.
You have been together for so long!
- Well, yeah...
For how long?
About six years.
- Dear me!
How long were you together before...
- Well, four.
Exactly. How is it not a current topic?
...two, three.
- Baby!
To Kaisla!
- To Kaisla!
one, two, three, now!
Who won?!
Okay, I'll drink once.
Can I drink as well?
- No you fucking can't!
Yeah...
- Fire! Match box!
Correct!
Someone who is excited,
what are they doing?
Screaming, euphoria, orgasm...
Orgasm?!
Very arrogant?
Mauri.
Mauri is a fucking arrogant person...
Hey...
You were in our store today.
Buying clothes.
Yeah, could be.
- Yeah, so you are here?
Not really... I had to piss.
- Yeah, same.
But...
But hey, should we... Where are you sitting?
Somewhere there.
Sorry, I can't remember.
Long day.
- okay.
Satu is here as well,
the one I was working with.
She is not here.
- I met her friend, -
- and I suggested we should join forces.
- Who is Satu?
A horny second-hand-shop chick!
- She is not! Stop it!
She saw Sebbe and was all fucking...
- They were just checking each other out!
Hey, where's my beer?
- I'm not your fucking mom.
Stop whining, there's
a person here I haven't met before.
I'm just another Siiri.
oh, Siiri, you too.
- Siiri number two.
Joni's cousin.
- Hi, Karri.
Yeah, there's two Siiris... Sebbe!
Hi.
- Karri, we don't know the dude.
Sweet-ass!
Can I take a picture with you?
See, it's Karri's first time in the city.
He lives in Masala.
I'm going to the other table right now and
everyone whose testicles have descended, -
- or is a cool person, is coming along.
- That's fucking stupid.
No it's not, come on.
Karri!
- He can't be left by himself!
We'll be right behind you!
- Why don't you want to go?
She doesn't remember who I am.
- You just saw each other today!
Right. In her workplace,
with masks on...
Eyes.
- Eyes!
You memorize them.
- My tiny pig eyes, really?
Hey! Now you're being mean to yourself.
You're a good guy, you have beautiful eyes,
and she fucking remembers them!
I have just broken up,
I don't even want anybody.
Help!
It's just one night and one new person.
It doesn't have to be anything serious.
Maybe tonight could bring
something new into your life.
You are a new person.
- Right, I am Siiri. Just like her.
Hey, here come the shots!
- Yes!
This is what it has come to...
- For everyone!
Hi!
Hi!
- You!
To new beginnings!
Hey, Siiris!
- Satu!
Cheers!
It's time for Alias.
I'm with Paddle.
His name comes from Paddle-Man,
because he has a...
These are a bit like your dick,
but yours is bigger.
Try to fucking get it!
- A tower!
Can we guess?
I would've known that!
If your dick crossed a river...
- These are all dick stuff!
Something else than dick stuff!
I'm sorry! Apologies!
Explain it cousin to cousin!
- No, hey, what!
A tulip!
- Paddle, fuck, this was so easy...
Your turn!
- What's your real name?
What?
- I got a note from your friend, -
- and it said Sebbe.
What's your real name?
Sebastian.
Okay. Hi.
- Let's continue!
I'm Satu.
- Hi. - Time is running!
You're explaining?
- I'm explaining.
...two, three, go!
They drive this in Jyvskyl...
- Rally! - Yes!
People get married there.
- A church! - Yes!
A negative and a positive pole attract each other.
- A magnet!
Very good!
Then, something lovely happens and then...
- Goosebumps!
A data processor.
- A computer!
You put this on a horse.
- A bridle! - On it's back.
A saddle!
- Yes, but a verb. - To saddle!
Now everyone can guess!
This is the last one!
Explain it like only I can understand!
- Right.
What's your title in your workplace?
A salesperson.
- And when you own the business?
Owner!
- A salesperson!
A monger!
- Yes, that's the second word.
Swims in the water.
- A fishmonger!
What the hell?!
Best score of the night!
Who are you guys?
- What are you doing here?
We're partying.
- We're partying too!
What's going on?
Has something happened?
- What would have happened?
She's crying, have you hurt her fucking feelings?
- She wanted me to go see -
some cat apartment.
- To see feline animals with me.
What's going on here?
- She's a bit drunk.
Let's go outside then.
I already walked you outside once.
Mumbling in Finnish.
- That's right.
You have your guilty face right now!
- This is not my guilty face!
What face is that then?!
- This is my face!
Hey, we are going! See you there!
Your pizza is on its way...
- Joni!
Joni!
Joni!
Joni! Look!
Look, I found mountain chocolate!
Do you remember this?
They sell that in every store, dude!
Not in Masala they don't!
Is that who I think it is?
- Whose thing is where?
Haha, whose thing!
- Holding hands with some guy...
Fuck no... Mona!
- Stop yelling...
Fuck me...
Mona!
Fuck no!
Should we stop him?
- I'm not going to.
Hi, Joni.
- Mona.
Is Sebastian there?
- None of your fucking business.
You two are done and that's that.
Who the fuck is this?
Hi, I'm Ville.
- Shut up! - Excuse me?
The adults are having a conversation now.
I think you're a bit too drunk.
Are you his friends?
These are my best friends.
No worries Siiri number two.
Take him with you then.
Paddle, go easy on them.
You've always been a whining little girl.
- Fuck you! I'm done!
I'm tired of pretending that I like you!
- You've always been toxic to Sebbe!
Nothing but poison this girl!
- You're nothing more than a stupid drunk.
Hey guys, stop it.
Let it go.
Now you got these guys mixed up in this.
- Don't you start poking!
Hold this, I got to go.
Joni!
Hey. What the fuck?
Is there a fight?
Joni! Hey!
That's my cousin,
don't touch him!
Don't touch him, he's my cousin!
- Get off!
Joni, stop it!
- Calm down!
God damn it, Karri!
- Joni, calm down!
Everybody fuck off!
Mona get the fuck out of here!
Who the fuck are you?
Go away!
Thank you, this is over. Joni, fuck!
Everything was fine, Paddle was there!
- Nothing is fucking fine with you!
Fuck...
Mona, she...
She knew what was coming.
Where I ordered pizza
she ordered trouble.
And that's what she got.
Right, Paddle?
Joni, you started it.
- Me?
You went there to rampage and I came
to get you the fuck away from there.
That...
Siiri.
- What?
I love you.
- That's nice.
You're so fucking hot, Siiri. It's hard
to look at you without getting a boner.
Who are you trying to impress?
What is this role you're playing?
This is not you Joni. Stop it!
- Just good old Jonimal.
Look at yourself.
I have a pretty high tolerance
but this is way too much.
Paddle, not you as well...
Fuck, look at you. What?
No pity from here. Jonimal goes
and drinks some fucking water now, seriously.
Joni, go drink some water.
Sebbe, dear...
...a Santa without
religion or ideology...
Sebastian.
How are you doing?
- Sorry, can I join you?Joni.
Hello.
- And thank you for these...
How are you doing?
Hey, what are you all doing here?
To the sauna!
Hi, I'm Satu. Is this your party?
It's a lovely Christmas party.
- Isn't it? This year we decided -
- to really invest in the party...
- Then I was made Santa,
- what an investment that was!
I'm going to the sauna...
- Go to the sauna and then, -
- Halme could tell us a Christmas tale!
He can't go to the sauna, because he
would raise jealousy in others.
I'm so fucking tired of this dick joke, seriously.
- Tell him.
Hey, come to the sauna!
- No...
But Sebastian will be there in a minute.
Hey Paddle, what's your real name?
likka.
- Come to the sauna.
No, it's hot in there.
- Well, yeah.
Hey, I'll see you in a bit.
Sebbe! Pants off,
juicy ass out and let's go!
Pluto is not a planet!
- How is it not a planet?!
Pluto is not a planet, right Sebbe?
But check out this delicious dinner!
Masala salad and for dessert,
Swiss mountain chocolate.
Jani, you came!
- There's nobody left in the sauna!
Sebbe!
If I die young
I wish there would be frost
I prefer winter
If I die young
I wish I had fallen in love
Wear black to my funeral
But only because it's classy
Mom and dad, don't be miserable
I lived my life to the fullest
Girlfriends, put your make up on
and go dancing after the ceremony
Boys, sing the song -
Sing!
- that always made me laugh
Everybody sing! This is so easy!
This is so easy...
If I die young
I wish I had learned -
Learn what?
- What?
How to roll up a spliff!
- how to make songs
Say no to drugs!
- If I die young
I hope I didn't have time to act up -
At home!
- at home
I wish I had eaten dessert at lunch
Bring many roses to my casket
Curse God for a while
And then go and get drunk
That has nothing to do with us.
Do you have a Christmas hat?
- We both have hats.
Santa's little helpers.
Sebbe, do you feel sick?
Are you going to throw up?
Hey homie, is everything OK?
Fucking hell!
Isn't it the lower leg?
- This here? Wait...
Let's bend both of them.
Don't bend both of them!
- Which one?
The other one!
Sebbe! This is for your own good...
My friend's taking a little break.
- This is good!
I'll watch your sleep.
okay, okay!
Sebbe!
What is this?
- This is my new jacket.
You're so pretty.
- Cool jacket.
You woke up, fucking elf.
I'm a fucking elf.
Let's go!
- Just fucking go already...
I'm so happy we met.
- You ordered a taxi?
The taxi's ours.
- Here it is.
I am not taking a ride
from anyone I don't know.
Joni, stop it.
- Hey, where are we going?
In the car.
- To Paddle's! - After party!
I'm getting in the car.
A very handsome man
and if we open this a bit...
In the car already!
All on board, close the doors.
- All on board...
All... Karri?!
- Karri is not here anymore.
Where's Karri? Have
you seen my cousin?
I don't know who your cousin is.
- I promised to take care of Karri.
Joni!
- Karri!
Karri!
- He went home.
Do you need a ride or not?
The taximeter is going as we speak.
I don't think any of you are going.
Satu, where are you...?
Don't go!
The car is over there.
- I'm going to walk the dog.
No! Stop! Get in the car!
- Stop it now.
Let me go... Let go of me!
Tomppa, stop!
Drama queen, stop it!
I don't think this is going to work.
Give me a second.
- Sure, I'll wait.
Suck my ass!
Now she'll go home, pass out
and the night will be over!
okay, Tomppa of Finland...
I'll go get her.
I have to message Rauno, and...
- Who?
Rauno, Karri's dad.
- What? Why?
Karri's gone.
- This side. The door is here.
Rauno, hi. I am sorry,
but I have lost Karri.
I promised to look after him,
but he took a drug and vanished...
Say "hi" to Rauno.
- Good night, Rauno!
Nobody else coming?
- No.
We'll meet them there.
You're walking very fast.
This is my car.
I feel like neither of
us can drive tonight.
Got you!
What?
This is a fun game.
- What is?
Tell them that this is your car.
- Them? Now?
Let's play! Tell them. - No, I won't.
Now they're gone...
Quite a cool car. Nice car.
Say it.
- I will not.
Say it!
- It's not my car.
This is his car! This one.
Huh?
- This is his car. Nice, isn't it?
Yes, it's my car.
- Okay. Is there something wrong with it?
No, we're just admiring it,
it's so cool. You tell him.
It's a car.
- okay...
You're not going to drive, are you?
- No...
Are the seats real leather?
- It's got everything.
What kind of engine does it have?
V8.
- No way!
These don't have that.
- Why not?
What the fuck is going on here?
I was just asking about their car.
Could I test out the seats?
Should you take the keys?
- Wait, I...
I might have left them at home.
- Whose car is it? - My car.
So it's not your car?
- No.
It's my car.
- It's not your car.
Huh?
This is my car.
- The hell it is!
I'm just on a walk here.
Well, I'll carry on...
See you.
- Bye!
We were just having a laugh...
- Would you like a ride?
Well, that's quite friendly!
Are you sure?
- I'm freezing.
Home, James!
James?
What James?
- James is our chauffeur.
Fasten your seatbelts.
We'll fasten our seatbelts.
- Where are they?
First things first, can I ask about this...
- This?
About this child car seat.
- Do you have a baby?
I had. I have and I had.
- Huh?
Is your child dead?
- No.
Hey, Sebbe!
- Dear God, James! What?!
He had a child and now the seat is empty!
- You can't ask that!
I just got divorced and our
baby left with my wife.
Everybody just breaks up.
- I have just broken up as well.
Did you have kids?
I don't have kids. No kid.
I hope you'll get to
be with the child as well.
No, I have screwed up so badly...
- What have you done that's so bad?
Well, everything.
- What everything?
Everything you could imagine.
- Do you have water?
You want water?
- Wow, thanks!
Surely not everything
I can imagine, right?
Everything you can
imagine, and more.
Are you a serial killer?
- Sorry...
Are you?
- I'm going to kill you soon.
Can I drink this?
No, don't!
- I am your taster, of course!
I have put 50 sedatives in there.
You'll fall into an eternal sleep.
This is a lesson for you,
never to jump into a stranger's car.
Sebbe! Sebbe! Sebbe!
Hey, stop it! Say Jesus,
it's the safeword!
Hey, Sebbe. Sebbe!
You can't do that...
- Jesus.
You can't do that!
- Sorry...
Our friend here has a tragedy in his life.
- You look very familiar.
Do I?
- You do.
Are you my father?
- Well, I don't know who your mother is.
It depends on that.
- James, you old dog!
I've never seen my father.
- You've never seen your father?
Your mom met him somewhere once?
- They had an affair.
Is this a sore subject for you?
- Not anymore. Not really. I mean...
There's nothing to do about it.
I'm sorry.
- No need to be.
We're here now.
- Yeah, we're here.
And we have James.
James, the old dog.
Did you have a fun night?
- It's been really fun.
or a day.
- He actually bought this very jacket today...
Yes, and these pants.
- It still has the thing from the price tag...
It's sticking out...
- It's a choice.
You knew that it was there?
- of course I knew.
Are you together?
We met today.
- And fell in love immediately.
Love doesn't exist.
James!
- Sorry, I'm a bit drunk.
You lunatic!
- Are you going somewhere together?
I am going to walk my dog, she needs
to pee. He insisted on coming along...
Tomppa made me, we are
going to an after party...
James, what are you doing here?
- I'm just driving around.
Driving around...
Are you driving around
searching for your victims?
No... I just drive around,
so that I wouldn't kill myself.
You do know, there are
all these numbers you can call?
Do you have a friend?
- You're my friends now.
What's keeping you from dying, then?
I don't know, maybe I do just want to die.
- Don't die.
Everything just feels so fucking bad.
- Yeah, I know.
But you should still stick around. Really.
How old are you, James?
- Sixty.
Sixty?!
- Hey we get off here!
Sixty...
- Yeah.
James, does life ever get easier?
- Yeah, is it at all easier, -
- you know, in your
twenties everything just sucks.
No it doesn't, it doesn't.
Why not?
Why doesn't life get easier?!
What the hell?
- At least a little? A little?
Maybe a little bit.
- Fucking hell.
James, thank you so much.
- Thank you, James!
James, stay alive. Promise.
- Yes. I promise.
Thank you so much.
- Another thirty years and it's this much better.
Right?
You're a wonderful creature.
- I love you too. Have a fun night.
Hey, very cool!
Many thanks.
Hey, oops, sorry.
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Fuck!
Yeah, you!
- Quiet, seriously.
Did you hear that?
Long stairs! Imagine living
in a building with no elevator.
Muusa!
- You do live in a building with no elevator.
You can just tell me what it's like.
- That's what I said!
Stop yelling.
Oh fuck... Muusa, no,
you can't poop on the floor.
My scarf is in the poop now.
Oh no, it crumbles.
Where are the dog poop bags?
There are no poop bags.
Come here, I have
to charge my phone.
Nice home.
How do you live?
All alone.
- Wow, you're lucky.
How long have you lived alone?
Today.
- Today?
Yeah.
- okay.
Have you just broken up?
Yes.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
Sorry.
- It's okay.
Why did you break up?
I don't know.
Nice outfit.
- Thanks...
This is my best outfit.
Really?
Why didn't you take off your beanie?
I have an ugly head.
You have a beautiful head.
A very good head.
You have pierced ears!
Now you have to stay still.
You keep moving!
A bit more... There, it clicked.
Very good.
You're funny.
You're funny.
Can you toe wrestle?
Want to try?
Feet next to each other like that.
Whoever gets their toes on
top of the other's wins.
Ready, steady...
Go!
I won.
Okay, that's very good.
Are you ready for an adventure?
Can I pick her up?
- You can. Come darling.
Come here.
Can I pick you up?
Oh dear, your paws are freezing.
No way!
- What?
We used to steal apples here
with Joni and Paddle as kids.
Really?
- Really.
You stole apples from those trees there?
- Yeah.
Did you get caught?
Never.
We used to run away
from this old geezer, -
- who took care of this place.
He's probably dead now, -
- but he used to chase us
shouting with his face all red.
"You fucking kids!" I think sometime
he even threatened to kill us.
No way...
- For real.
So you were caught in the act?
- In the act yes, but never physically.
Aren't they the same thing?
- of course not!
What's the difference between
"in the act" and "physically"?
What are you talking about?
Physically means like getting
caught by the police, like...
Like this?
- Yes.
I wonder if the
old geezer is dead now.
Do you think about death a lot?
Yeah.
Do you think about death a lot?
I attempted suicide for the first time
when I was fourteen years old...
So I have...
But I'm in a better place now.
Although it is...
...it is it's own kind of shit.
But for example right now it's pretty nice.
Let's go steal some apples.
Let's go then!
Look how slippery!
- I know.
I wonder if it's too cold for apples already...
- Look at you!
Carefully now...
- These spikes...
I've read that...
Don't go there you crazy!
I know where we can get apples.
- Where?
Well...
The grocery store.
The fuck... Huh?
Are you taking a cart?
- Of course I am.
Mademoiselle, your ride awaits.
Mademoiselle.
No, not this way...
Okay. A new world.
Hey, apples, apples, apples!
Which ones are good?
What are you doing?
Put this back.
- Of course not, we've touched it.
Where then?
- Remember good hand hygiene.
We are criminals.
- We are dangerous.
I'm going to have a heart attack.
Unfortunately I have lost my vision.
I wish to be freed from this curse...
Peek-a-boo!
I wonder if it's my friend from New York.
- Jean-Pierre.
Oui?
No, no!
I have always longed
for a pair of these.
I feel like these set the right mood.
You have sweat on your forehead.
- Apologies...
Has this been a rough ride?
- This ride has exhausted me, -
- I have to admit.
- Take a break.
Hi!
- Hi.
Your leg!
Excuse me. May I check your pockets?
- We don't have to do that.
We saw on the cameras that
you put something in your pocket.
I don't have anything.
- Hey...
You're not going anywhere.
Fuck!
- Let go of him!
Don't come any closer.
- This is a misunderstanding!
You don't have to say anything.
- Are you handcuffing me?
You have been caught now and...
- Seriously?
Is this really necessary?
Come on now. Get up.
I can't get up with these handcuffs.
- I'll help you, let's go.
Is this really necessary?
We're calling the police...
- The police?
Satu, I'll be back soon.
- I'll wait here.
Come here, alright.
Sit down.
I haven't done anything.
- Yes you have, we checked the cameras.
It was one apple.
- Yes.
Yeah, I know.
Do you need to go outside?
Sorry, where did they take him?
And how long will this take?
They usually take them back there.
Can't say about the schedule.
Right, yeah.
Thanks. Bye.
- Thank you. Bye.
Fuck...
Fuck.
Hi.
Yes?
Oh, I left the... Yeah.
I left my phone in the charger.
I made the fucking tortillas.
If you fancy.
Or we can throw it away,
a fucking good idea.
Thank you. I'll throw it away.
Do you hear me?
Mauri, it can't be like this.
I don't want this.
Hi.
- Hi.
How about that after party?
You have something wet there.
Look, somebody's playing guitar.
Sebbe, no.
No...
Hold on to your hat.
Help, help, help! Sorry!
Help...
Have we stopped now?
Are we there yet?
I think so.
Paddle, I think we are here
in front of your place now.
What?
Well?
No fucking way!
I went to prison for stealing an apple!
And you just walked out, -
- with an apple in your pocket?
- Looks like it.
Pretty good.
Missed it.
Hello.
Hi.
- Hi!
Watch out for the stairs.
- How are they here?
I don't know.
Fucking disgusting!
Karri, get the fuck out of here!
Paddle, do you have the lighter?!
- Karri has it.
Good...
Okay, alright.
- Good...
Well?
What?
Thank you.
Well, thank you.
APPLE THIEVES
Hi.
Surely you can ditch the mask.
So, I have gathered your
clothes in these bags.
And um...
This is almost everything and in the attic...
...are your chairs and that red thing.
Have you grown a beard?
Is your hair longer as well?
What is this new style of yours?
What?
Why the sad face?
What would help?
Should I jerk you off?
Move.
Hi!
- Oh, Mona...
Welcome, come on in.
Hi, it's been so long.
Hello. I'm Karri...
- Cousin. - Okay, welcome.
All of this? - Yeah, all of these boxes.
The management is here.
Is Paddle here? In the bedroom?
There's only more stuff.
- No Paddle here,
and obviously I would have
tripped on a python if he was here.
Sebbe, good to see you.
- Karri!
Having allergies?
- A bit...
Interesting at this time of the year, right?
I'm calling Paddle.
- Where are you guys moving?
I am moving.
Sup. Where?
With whom?
- Joni, get to work!
Paddle is at some bar with someone.
It fits here.
Tetris, bro.
I'm so glad you came.
- Of course.
Message me for real!
- I will.
Lovely, yay.
Thank you everyone!
It was nice meeting you.
- Many thanks!
I went straight in for a... yeah.
Yeah, see you soon for real!
Bye. Let's keep in touch.
I'm sitting here.
- No way!
What the fuck? - This is Sebbe's adventure.
Besides, Rauno made me responsible for you.
There we go.
There's no reason you
couldn't have good feng shui here.
You can use this time to reminisce, or...
...okay, sorry.
- Can we go now?
Fuck yeah, pizza! Paddle is
a moron for not coming.
Useless dude.
- Useless?!
A man equipped with a battering ram is not useless,
he's one of God's most graceful creations...
How useful was he today?
- How do you measure usefulness?
How useful was Sebbe today?
- There are excuses and real reasons.
What's a real reason?
- A recent break-up for example!
Paddle has a fucking huge paddle!
- Well, that has nothing to do with this...
in a SAMPPA BATAL film
APPLE THIEVES
No way... No fucking way!
Well you know that I'm eating,
so can you leave me the fuck alone?
Fucking hell!
- This is just classic you.
You're buying me a new shirt!
- The fuck I am.
You ruined this, you're buying a new one.
- Thanks for helping.
It was good to see you.
- Hey, good luck.
What the fuck is this? Let's go!
- No, I have...
You have what?
- I have all this stuff...
Are you in a hurry to go
cut yourself or something?
Come on now.
You can masturbate later.
I guarantee you'll have time.
Do you hear me?
You can masturbate later.
We need you on this journey.
You need this. And we need you.
Anything for one euro?
The cheaper ones are over there.
- You have an alarm system here?
Fucking ace.
My cousin is fucking poor,
but he has to buy me a new shirt.
This is similar. Take this.
- It's completely different, actually.
Actually, it's exactly the same shirt.
- Actually, now that I look at it closely,
it's completely different.
- Salesperson?
This is not even a Hawaiian shirt!
- Let me see the other one.
They are very similar indeed.
- Try it on.
OK, wait.
I need to check.
Go ahead, there's a mirror.
- That's not what I mean. Hi!
This is fucking awesome.
Sebbe, check it out.
Hi, honey. - Hello.
- What do you think?
Alright, sorry.
- All good.
Thanks for covering for me.
- Of course. Are you okay?
Yeah.
- Did you get any sleep?
What the fuck is this music again?
It's not that nice.
- But Karri destroyed my old shirt.
What do you mean?
- Look, pizza.
Look!
- Let me see.
Isn't this fucking neat!
And that you find "nice"? Karri take
this away, Siiri doesn't approve of it.
Buy it if you fucking want to!
- What's the plan for tonight?
Having drinks with Siiri.
- And after that you'll join us, right?
You like that one?
- No.
Time to party. Sebbe is going
to get very drunk tonight.
I'm not drinking tonight.
- You totally are!
I am not drinking tonight.
- of course you are Sebbe, -
- we are going to flush away your sorrow.
- Was that all?
It would be nice to see you tonight.
Well, I'm not sure if you're
going to get blackout drunk.
I am excellent drinking company.
Karri activated the alarm.
Fucking dork, you're wearing the jacket!
Sensitive alarm system.
- Alright, let's keep in touch.
I didn't take anything, I swear.
- Don't worry.
Were you looking at this?
Isn't this cool?
- Yeah! It fits like a fist in the ass.
This doesn't suit me.
- Says who?
Mona.
Mona says it doesn't suit you?
Mona doesn't suit you!
Fucking hell.
Has Mona chosen all of your clothes?
Everything has been chosen by Mona?
Not the beanie.
You can insert the card.
It's waiting for the amount.
- Oh crap, sorry.
It's not working?
- No, or let's see.
There have been some issues with cards today.
I bet it's the 5G chips in the vaccines.
- I've had two vaccines...
I've had two as well,
it must mess with the connections.
There!
- Thank you.
I can't print the receipt...
- Well...
Karri says we can manage without.
- Yeah, it's fine.
Are you sure?
- We can email it to you.
No, it's fine.
- Bye bye!
No alarm!
Thank you, bye!
- Thanks, bye!
Very professional.
- Would you have wanted his email address?
What?
- His email address.
What the hell?
- The receipt as an excuse.
Enough!
- Just asking.
Karri, get me a grey one.
- Huh? - A grey one!
A concrete water.
- A concrete water?
Isn't it cool?
- Fucking cool. Rare nowadays.
And it works.
- And it works.
Sup.
- Two grey ones.
Would you like something?
- A coffee, please.
You have other friends as well?
- That would be seventeen.
Sebbe, can you get this?
- Seventeen.
Neat as fuck phone.
Fucking hell Sebbe, did you order a coffee?
I see. You have to start slow,
if you don't have what it takes.
I decided to have a long drink,
because it's like a mint.
Haven't you brushed your teeth?
- I have, but we ate pizza and stuff.
And it keeps blood sugar levels high.
Tonight's the night. Siiri is coming with us.
How many days in a row, Paddle?
Five.
I need to start getting drunk,
all the clothes took all my energy.
Hold it under your tongue.
- Huh?
This? Do you think I'm a fucking idiot?
- Fuck yes.
What are you...? Sebbe!
I'm sorry.
- No, no.
No need to apologize.
Cry as much as you need to.
Was this a mistake, should I have...?
- No way, -
- you've been in a crossroads
and you've had to choose.
And I think you've taken the right turn.
It's supposed to feel like this.
You just need to shed your skin.
Like pythons and anacondas
in the Amazon jungle or in Paddle's pants.
And then you will be ready
for all the good that's coming to you.
What if nothing good is coming?
That's just faulty logic.
Even if it's dark right now,
it doesn't mean the sun won't rise.
Joni, it's not dark outside.
- Yeah.
How the fuck would you know,
you're wearing sunglasses?
Sebbe, you sailed into
a stormy sea and it's scary,
but if you never sail the sea,
what are boats for then?
I can't stand seeing you like this.
- You are so fucking stupid.
I don't know, I took the Mensa online test,
and the result wasn't that bad.
Can I have a pen and a piece of paper?
Here's a pen and this.
Take this to the chick
in the second hand shop.
This is a new start!
If you won't take it to her, I will.
I swear, I will.
Nobody is taking anything anywhere.
I bet he went to deliver the number.
Fucking hell...
Joni!
- I got this.
You're not going anywhere, for real.
- I know what I'm doing.
Give me the phone.
- Give the phone the fuck back!
Not fresh.
Phones are off limits!
There's my intestine bacteria on it,
you'll get diarrhea.
You're not going anywhere!
- Hey, this hurts me more than you.
Can you stop?
You're not taking any
fucking note anywhere!
This is for your own good!
- No it's not!
That person doesn't even know
what I look like under the mask!
Nobody like her wants to be with someone like me!
- of course she wants to be with you.
I am going to take this by foot if...
- The fuck you are!
I am asking you for this one thing!
Sebbe, violence is not the answer.
That way! And don't you get lost!
- What the fuck...?
I'm not telling Rauno,
that something has happened to you!
Seriously, let go of me... Karri!
- Sebbe.
Seriously...
- Sebbe.
Okay, let's go and get drunk.
Things are taken care of!
Look at Paddle, he's panicking.
- Paddle is not panicking!
He's all over the place!
- one more thing...
Sorry, sorry, sorry...
- Can I help you with something?
I just had a...
Did I really lose it?
Fuck, I need to make a call.
- Okay, but...
zero, four, five. Three, two, eight...
Seven, seven, no wait, seven, six.
- You always fuck up.
What's going on?
- Was that it?
one, six.
- One, six. See ya, bye.
This is the shy one's phone
number who just bought the jacket.
Not that fucking blabbermouth.
He's my cousin.
Okay... What do I do with this?
Bye.
Are you home?
I am.
How about a movie and some tortillas tonight?
I don't think I'll stay late at Kaisla's.
The others are going to a bar, but
Kaisla has no idea of this -
- so she might have other plans already.
And I would like to spend the evening at home.
I have the gig tonight.
- Shit, right.
What time does the train leave?
I don't remember.
- Okay, will you stay the night there?
I don't know.
Could you walk the dog
so it doesn't piss and shit inside?
It would be for the best.
- No, it's a stupid idea!
I'm shitty company right now.
Seriously, Tomppa.
Then you'll be sad at home.
Then you'll fight with Mauri again -
- and your night will be ruined.
So no! This is Kaisla's party!
I am going to bed.
- No you're not! A very stupid idea!
okay, hey, yeah! This is
going to be a proper adventure.
Do me a favor and forget about Mauri.
Once we are really drunk, -
- you'll call the number you got today.
- No way!
You're calling him, or I will!
I saw the eye contact...
Tomppa, no!
- Seriously.
I don't have the number anymore.
- You have it somewhere in your pocket!
I left it at work.
- Look, you're smiling!
When we talk about Mauri,
you're always fucking serious.
I'm sorry for saying this,
but it has been like this for years.
Life is very short. You should
do the things that make you happy.
Good. Hi!
- We're taking these.
Give it to me.
I'll take everything, thank you.
Let's take a scooter.
- Proper adventure!
Have either of you actually ridden those before?
I rode a scooter two summers ago!
She rode one two summers ago,
this is going to go well.
Fucking hell. Those things kill!
okay, my turn, right?
How to put this...
Never have I ever
been fucked in the ass.
I'm going to have to drink as well.
Easy one, cheers!
Never have I ever ridden one
of those electric scooters.
Horrible machines!
I read on the newspaper -
- that somebody had lost half
of their skull falling over with one.
I have a good one!
- Let's hear it. - No, your turn.
Never have I ever been in
love with my friend's mother-in-law.
Seriously Tomppa, her mother-in-law.
- Is Vuokko single? - She's married.
Well, lot's of people are married
and things still happen, so...
I often spend a night with someone
who's married, and it's nothing...
Seriously?
- People have different...
I can't know what kind of
relationship two individuals have.
Sometimes you meet that person
once in your life. only for that one night.
Kaisla and the baby!
- Right, hello!
I was in between studies and work,
so Kaisla suggested I come work there.
Right. Lovely. What is it that you do there?
Well, I'm a salesperson,
or we are, me and Tom.
Hi, yes. Tom, hello.
- Hello, I'm Sini.
I'll have everything
the mother-to-be can't have.
Congratulations!
Vuokko, are you Kaisla's mother-in-law?
- Yes, Klaus is my son and this...
vuokko is going to be a grandmother.
- Right, granny!
If Klaus is the real father! I hope so.
Vuokko here!
Congratulations to my baby!
You're here, lovely to see you! - It's been at least two weeks!
Three weeks, actually.
Hi, you're here as well.
How's your boyfriend?
When are you going to...
Well, we haven't discussed it...
Yeah, not a current topic for us.
You have been together for so long!
- Well, yeah...
For how long?
About six years.
- Dear me!
How long were you together before...
- Well, four.
Exactly. How is it not a current topic?
...two, three.
- Baby!
To Kaisla!
- To Kaisla!
one, two, three, now!
Who won?!
Okay, I'll drink once.
Can I drink as well?
- No you fucking can't!
Yeah...
- Fire! Match box!
Correct!
Someone who is excited,
what are they doing?
Screaming, euphoria, orgasm...
Orgasm?!
Very arrogant?
Mauri.
Mauri is a fucking arrogant person...
Hey...
You were in our store today.
Buying clothes.
Yeah, could be.
- Yeah, so you are here?
Not really... I had to piss.
- Yeah, same.
But...
But hey, should we... Where are you sitting?
Somewhere there.
Sorry, I can't remember.
Long day.
- okay.
Satu is here as well,
the one I was working with.
She is not here.
- I met her friend, -
- and I suggested we should join forces.
- Who is Satu?
A horny second-hand-shop chick!
- She is not! Stop it!
She saw Sebbe and was all fucking...
- They were just checking each other out!
Hey, where's my beer?
- I'm not your fucking mom.
Stop whining, there's
a person here I haven't met before.
I'm just another Siiri.
oh, Siiri, you too.
- Siiri number two.
Joni's cousin.
- Hi, Karri.
Yeah, there's two Siiris... Sebbe!
Hi.
- Karri, we don't know the dude.
Sweet-ass!
Can I take a picture with you?
See, it's Karri's first time in the city.
He lives in Masala.
I'm going to the other table right now and
everyone whose testicles have descended, -
- or is a cool person, is coming along.
- That's fucking stupid.
No it's not, come on.
Karri!
- He can't be left by himself!
We'll be right behind you!
- Why don't you want to go?
She doesn't remember who I am.
- You just saw each other today!
Right. In her workplace,
with masks on...
Eyes.
- Eyes!
You memorize them.
- My tiny pig eyes, really?
Hey! Now you're being mean to yourself.
You're a good guy, you have beautiful eyes,
and she fucking remembers them!
I have just broken up,
I don't even want anybody.
Help!
It's just one night and one new person.
It doesn't have to be anything serious.
Maybe tonight could bring
something new into your life.
You are a new person.
- Right, I am Siiri. Just like her.
Hey, here come the shots!
- Yes!
This is what it has come to...
- For everyone!
Hi!
Hi!
- You!
To new beginnings!
Hey, Siiris!
- Satu!
Cheers!
It's time for Alias.
I'm with Paddle.
His name comes from Paddle-Man,
because he has a...
These are a bit like your dick,
but yours is bigger.
Try to fucking get it!
- A tower!
Can we guess?
I would've known that!
If your dick crossed a river...
- These are all dick stuff!
Something else than dick stuff!
I'm sorry! Apologies!
Explain it cousin to cousin!
- No, hey, what!
A tulip!
- Paddle, fuck, this was so easy...
Your turn!
- What's your real name?
What?
- I got a note from your friend, -
- and it said Sebbe.
What's your real name?
Sebastian.
Okay. Hi.
- Let's continue!
I'm Satu.
- Hi. - Time is running!
You're explaining?
- I'm explaining.
...two, three, go!
They drive this in Jyvskyl...
- Rally! - Yes!
People get married there.
- A church! - Yes!
A negative and a positive pole attract each other.
- A magnet!
Very good!
Then, something lovely happens and then...
- Goosebumps!
A data processor.
- A computer!
You put this on a horse.
- A bridle! - On it's back.
A saddle!
- Yes, but a verb. - To saddle!
Now everyone can guess!
This is the last one!
Explain it like only I can understand!
- Right.
What's your title in your workplace?
A salesperson.
- And when you own the business?
Owner!
- A salesperson!
A monger!
- Yes, that's the second word.
Swims in the water.
- A fishmonger!
What the hell?!
Best score of the night!
Who are you guys?
- What are you doing here?
We're partying.
- We're partying too!
What's going on?
Has something happened?
- What would have happened?
She's crying, have you hurt her fucking feelings?
- She wanted me to go see -
some cat apartment.
- To see feline animals with me.
What's going on here?
- She's a bit drunk.
Let's go outside then.
I already walked you outside once.
Mumbling in Finnish.
- That's right.
You have your guilty face right now!
- This is not my guilty face!
What face is that then?!
- This is my face!
Hey, we are going! See you there!
Your pizza is on its way...
- Joni!
Joni!
Joni!
Joni! Look!
Look, I found mountain chocolate!
Do you remember this?
They sell that in every store, dude!
Not in Masala they don't!
Is that who I think it is?
- Whose thing is where?
Haha, whose thing!
- Holding hands with some guy...
Fuck no... Mona!
- Stop yelling...
Fuck me...
Mona!
Fuck no!
Should we stop him?
- I'm not going to.
Hi, Joni.
- Mona.
Is Sebastian there?
- None of your fucking business.
You two are done and that's that.
Who the fuck is this?
Hi, I'm Ville.
- Shut up! - Excuse me?
The adults are having a conversation now.
I think you're a bit too drunk.
Are you his friends?
These are my best friends.
No worries Siiri number two.
Take him with you then.
Paddle, go easy on them.
You've always been a whining little girl.
- Fuck you! I'm done!
I'm tired of pretending that I like you!
- You've always been toxic to Sebbe!
Nothing but poison this girl!
- You're nothing more than a stupid drunk.
Hey guys, stop it.
Let it go.
Now you got these guys mixed up in this.
- Don't you start poking!
Hold this, I got to go.
Joni!
Hey. What the fuck?
Is there a fight?
Joni! Hey!
That's my cousin,
don't touch him!
Don't touch him, he's my cousin!
- Get off!
Joni, stop it!
- Calm down!
God damn it, Karri!
- Joni, calm down!
Everybody fuck off!
Mona get the fuck out of here!
Who the fuck are you?
Go away!
Thank you, this is over. Joni, fuck!
Everything was fine, Paddle was there!
- Nothing is fucking fine with you!
Fuck...
Mona, she...
She knew what was coming.
Where I ordered pizza
she ordered trouble.
And that's what she got.
Right, Paddle?
Joni, you started it.
- Me?
You went there to rampage and I came
to get you the fuck away from there.
That...
Siiri.
- What?
I love you.
- That's nice.
You're so fucking hot, Siiri. It's hard
to look at you without getting a boner.
Who are you trying to impress?
What is this role you're playing?
This is not you Joni. Stop it!
- Just good old Jonimal.
Look at yourself.
I have a pretty high tolerance
but this is way too much.
Paddle, not you as well...
Fuck, look at you. What?
No pity from here. Jonimal goes
and drinks some fucking water now, seriously.
Joni, go drink some water.
Sebbe, dear...
...a Santa without
religion or ideology...
Sebastian.
How are you doing?
- Sorry, can I join you?Joni.
Hello.
- And thank you for these...
How are you doing?
Hey, what are you all doing here?
To the sauna!
Hi, I'm Satu. Is this your party?
It's a lovely Christmas party.
- Isn't it? This year we decided -
- to really invest in the party...
- Then I was made Santa,
- what an investment that was!
I'm going to the sauna...
- Go to the sauna and then, -
- Halme could tell us a Christmas tale!
He can't go to the sauna, because he
would raise jealousy in others.
I'm so fucking tired of this dick joke, seriously.
- Tell him.
Hey, come to the sauna!
- No...
But Sebastian will be there in a minute.
Hey Paddle, what's your real name?
likka.
- Come to the sauna.
No, it's hot in there.
- Well, yeah.
Hey, I'll see you in a bit.
Sebbe! Pants off,
juicy ass out and let's go!
Pluto is not a planet!
- How is it not a planet?!
Pluto is not a planet, right Sebbe?
But check out this delicious dinner!
Masala salad and for dessert,
Swiss mountain chocolate.
Jani, you came!
- There's nobody left in the sauna!
Sebbe!
If I die young
I wish there would be frost
I prefer winter
If I die young
I wish I had fallen in love
Wear black to my funeral
But only because it's classy
Mom and dad, don't be miserable
I lived my life to the fullest
Girlfriends, put your make up on
and go dancing after the ceremony
Boys, sing the song -
Sing!
- that always made me laugh
Everybody sing! This is so easy!
This is so easy...
If I die young
I wish I had learned -
Learn what?
- What?
How to roll up a spliff!
- how to make songs
Say no to drugs!
- If I die young
I hope I didn't have time to act up -
At home!
- at home
I wish I had eaten dessert at lunch
Bring many roses to my casket
Curse God for a while
And then go and get drunk
That has nothing to do with us.
Do you have a Christmas hat?
- We both have hats.
Santa's little helpers.
Sebbe, do you feel sick?
Are you going to throw up?
Hey homie, is everything OK?
Fucking hell!
Isn't it the lower leg?
- This here? Wait...
Let's bend both of them.
Don't bend both of them!
- Which one?
The other one!
Sebbe! This is for your own good...
My friend's taking a little break.
- This is good!
I'll watch your sleep.
okay, okay!
Sebbe!
What is this?
- This is my new jacket.
You're so pretty.
- Cool jacket.
You woke up, fucking elf.
I'm a fucking elf.
Let's go!
- Just fucking go already...
I'm so happy we met.
- You ordered a taxi?
The taxi's ours.
- Here it is.
I am not taking a ride
from anyone I don't know.
Joni, stop it.
- Hey, where are we going?
In the car.
- To Paddle's! - After party!
I'm getting in the car.
A very handsome man
and if we open this a bit...
In the car already!
All on board, close the doors.
- All on board...
All... Karri?!
- Karri is not here anymore.
Where's Karri? Have
you seen my cousin?
I don't know who your cousin is.
- I promised to take care of Karri.
Joni!
- Karri!
Karri!
- He went home.
Do you need a ride or not?
The taximeter is going as we speak.
I don't think any of you are going.
Satu, where are you...?
Don't go!
The car is over there.
- I'm going to walk the dog.
No! Stop! Get in the car!
- Stop it now.
Let me go... Let go of me!
Tomppa, stop!
Drama queen, stop it!
I don't think this is going to work.
Give me a second.
- Sure, I'll wait.
Suck my ass!
Now she'll go home, pass out
and the night will be over!
okay, Tomppa of Finland...
I'll go get her.
I have to message Rauno, and...
- Who?
Rauno, Karri's dad.
- What? Why?
Karri's gone.
- This side. The door is here.
Rauno, hi. I am sorry,
but I have lost Karri.
I promised to look after him,
but he took a drug and vanished...
Say "hi" to Rauno.
- Good night, Rauno!
Nobody else coming?
- No.
We'll meet them there.
You're walking very fast.
This is my car.
I feel like neither of
us can drive tonight.
Got you!
What?
This is a fun game.
- What is?
Tell them that this is your car.
- Them? Now?
Let's play! Tell them. - No, I won't.
Now they're gone...
Quite a cool car. Nice car.
Say it.
- I will not.
Say it!
- It's not my car.
This is his car! This one.
Huh?
- This is his car. Nice, isn't it?
Yes, it's my car.
- Okay. Is there something wrong with it?
No, we're just admiring it,
it's so cool. You tell him.
It's a car.
- okay...
You're not going to drive, are you?
- No...
Are the seats real leather?
- It's got everything.
What kind of engine does it have?
V8.
- No way!
These don't have that.
- Why not?
What the fuck is going on here?
I was just asking about their car.
Could I test out the seats?
Should you take the keys?
- Wait, I...
I might have left them at home.
- Whose car is it? - My car.
So it's not your car?
- No.
It's my car.
- It's not your car.
Huh?
This is my car.
- The hell it is!
I'm just on a walk here.
Well, I'll carry on...
See you.
- Bye!
We were just having a laugh...
- Would you like a ride?
Well, that's quite friendly!
Are you sure?
- I'm freezing.
Home, James!
James?
What James?
- James is our chauffeur.
Fasten your seatbelts.
We'll fasten our seatbelts.
- Where are they?
First things first, can I ask about this...
- This?
About this child car seat.
- Do you have a baby?
I had. I have and I had.
- Huh?
Is your child dead?
- No.
Hey, Sebbe!
- Dear God, James! What?!
He had a child and now the seat is empty!
- You can't ask that!
I just got divorced and our
baby left with my wife.
Everybody just breaks up.
- I have just broken up as well.
Did you have kids?
I don't have kids. No kid.
I hope you'll get to
be with the child as well.
No, I have screwed up so badly...
- What have you done that's so bad?
Well, everything.
- What everything?
Everything you could imagine.
- Do you have water?
You want water?
- Wow, thanks!
Surely not everything
I can imagine, right?
Everything you can
imagine, and more.
Are you a serial killer?
- Sorry...
Are you?
- I'm going to kill you soon.
Can I drink this?
No, don't!
- I am your taster, of course!
I have put 50 sedatives in there.
You'll fall into an eternal sleep.
This is a lesson for you,
never to jump into a stranger's car.
Sebbe! Sebbe! Sebbe!
Hey, stop it! Say Jesus,
it's the safeword!
Hey, Sebbe. Sebbe!
You can't do that...
- Jesus.
You can't do that!
- Sorry...
Our friend here has a tragedy in his life.
- You look very familiar.
Do I?
- You do.
Are you my father?
- Well, I don't know who your mother is.
It depends on that.
- James, you old dog!
I've never seen my father.
- You've never seen your father?
Your mom met him somewhere once?
- They had an affair.
Is this a sore subject for you?
- Not anymore. Not really. I mean...
There's nothing to do about it.
I'm sorry.
- No need to be.
We're here now.
- Yeah, we're here.
And we have James.
James, the old dog.
Did you have a fun night?
- It's been really fun.
or a day.
- He actually bought this very jacket today...
Yes, and these pants.
- It still has the thing from the price tag...
It's sticking out...
- It's a choice.
You knew that it was there?
- of course I knew.
Are you together?
We met today.
- And fell in love immediately.
Love doesn't exist.
James!
- Sorry, I'm a bit drunk.
You lunatic!
- Are you going somewhere together?
I am going to walk my dog, she needs
to pee. He insisted on coming along...
Tomppa made me, we are
going to an after party...
James, what are you doing here?
- I'm just driving around.
Driving around...
Are you driving around
searching for your victims?
No... I just drive around,
so that I wouldn't kill myself.
You do know, there are
all these numbers you can call?
Do you have a friend?
- You're my friends now.
What's keeping you from dying, then?
I don't know, maybe I do just want to die.
- Don't die.
Everything just feels so fucking bad.
- Yeah, I know.
But you should still stick around. Really.
How old are you, James?
- Sixty.
Sixty?!
- Hey we get off here!
Sixty...
- Yeah.
James, does life ever get easier?
- Yeah, is it at all easier, -
- you know, in your
twenties everything just sucks.
No it doesn't, it doesn't.
Why not?
Why doesn't life get easier?!
What the hell?
- At least a little? A little?
Maybe a little bit.
- Fucking hell.
James, thank you so much.
- Thank you, James!
James, stay alive. Promise.
- Yes. I promise.
Thank you so much.
- Another thirty years and it's this much better.
Right?
You're a wonderful creature.
- I love you too. Have a fun night.
Hey, very cool!
Many thanks.
Hey, oops, sorry.
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Fuck!
Yeah, you!
- Quiet, seriously.
Did you hear that?
Long stairs! Imagine living
in a building with no elevator.
Muusa!
- You do live in a building with no elevator.
You can just tell me what it's like.
- That's what I said!
Stop yelling.
Oh fuck... Muusa, no,
you can't poop on the floor.
My scarf is in the poop now.
Oh no, it crumbles.
Where are the dog poop bags?
There are no poop bags.
Come here, I have
to charge my phone.
Nice home.
How do you live?
All alone.
- Wow, you're lucky.
How long have you lived alone?
Today.
- Today?
Yeah.
- okay.
Have you just broken up?
Yes.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
Sorry.
- It's okay.
Why did you break up?
I don't know.
Nice outfit.
- Thanks...
This is my best outfit.
Really?
Why didn't you take off your beanie?
I have an ugly head.
You have a beautiful head.
A very good head.
You have pierced ears!
Now you have to stay still.
You keep moving!
A bit more... There, it clicked.
Very good.
You're funny.
You're funny.
Can you toe wrestle?
Want to try?
Feet next to each other like that.
Whoever gets their toes on
top of the other's wins.
Ready, steady...
Go!
I won.
Okay, that's very good.
Are you ready for an adventure?
Can I pick her up?
- You can. Come darling.
Come here.
Can I pick you up?
Oh dear, your paws are freezing.
No way!
- What?
We used to steal apples here
with Joni and Paddle as kids.
Really?
- Really.
You stole apples from those trees there?
- Yeah.
Did you get caught?
Never.
We used to run away
from this old geezer, -
- who took care of this place.
He's probably dead now, -
- but he used to chase us
shouting with his face all red.
"You fucking kids!" I think sometime
he even threatened to kill us.
No way...
- For real.
So you were caught in the act?
- In the act yes, but never physically.
Aren't they the same thing?
- of course not!
What's the difference between
"in the act" and "physically"?
What are you talking about?
Physically means like getting
caught by the police, like...
Like this?
- Yes.
I wonder if the
old geezer is dead now.
Do you think about death a lot?
Yeah.
Do you think about death a lot?
I attempted suicide for the first time
when I was fourteen years old...
So I have...
But I'm in a better place now.
Although it is...
...it is it's own kind of shit.
But for example right now it's pretty nice.
Let's go steal some apples.
Let's go then!
Look how slippery!
- I know.
I wonder if it's too cold for apples already...
- Look at you!
Carefully now...
- These spikes...
I've read that...
Don't go there you crazy!
I know where we can get apples.
- Where?
Well...
The grocery store.
The fuck... Huh?
Are you taking a cart?
- Of course I am.
Mademoiselle, your ride awaits.
Mademoiselle.
No, not this way...
Okay. A new world.
Hey, apples, apples, apples!
Which ones are good?
What are you doing?
Put this back.
- Of course not, we've touched it.
Where then?
- Remember good hand hygiene.
We are criminals.
- We are dangerous.
I'm going to have a heart attack.
Unfortunately I have lost my vision.
I wish to be freed from this curse...
Peek-a-boo!
I wonder if it's my friend from New York.
- Jean-Pierre.
Oui?
No, no!
I have always longed
for a pair of these.
I feel like these set the right mood.
You have sweat on your forehead.
- Apologies...
Has this been a rough ride?
- This ride has exhausted me, -
- I have to admit.
- Take a break.
Hi!
- Hi.
Your leg!
Excuse me. May I check your pockets?
- We don't have to do that.
We saw on the cameras that
you put something in your pocket.
I don't have anything.
- Hey...
You're not going anywhere.
Fuck!
- Let go of him!
Don't come any closer.
- This is a misunderstanding!
You don't have to say anything.
- Are you handcuffing me?
You have been caught now and...
- Seriously?
Is this really necessary?
Come on now. Get up.
I can't get up with these handcuffs.
- I'll help you, let's go.
Is this really necessary?
We're calling the police...
- The police?
Satu, I'll be back soon.
- I'll wait here.
Come here, alright.
Sit down.
I haven't done anything.
- Yes you have, we checked the cameras.
It was one apple.
- Yes.
Yeah, I know.
Do you need to go outside?
Sorry, where did they take him?
And how long will this take?
They usually take them back there.
Can't say about the schedule.
Right, yeah.
Thanks. Bye.
- Thank you. Bye.
Fuck...
Fuck.
Hi.
Yes?
Oh, I left the... Yeah.
I left my phone in the charger.
I made the fucking tortillas.
If you fancy.
Or we can throw it away,
a fucking good idea.
Thank you. I'll throw it away.
Do you hear me?
Mauri, it can't be like this.
I don't want this.
Hi.
- Hi.
How about that after party?
You have something wet there.
Look, somebody's playing guitar.
Sebbe, no.
No...
Hold on to your hat.
Help, help, help! Sorry!
Help...
Have we stopped now?
Are we there yet?
I think so.
Paddle, I think we are here
in front of your place now.
What?
Well?
No fucking way!
I went to prison for stealing an apple!
And you just walked out, -
- with an apple in your pocket?
- Looks like it.
Pretty good.
Missed it.
Hello.
Hi.
- Hi!
Watch out for the stairs.
- How are they here?
I don't know.
Fucking disgusting!
Karri, get the fuck out of here!
Paddle, do you have the lighter?!
- Karri has it.
Good...
Okay, alright.
- Good...
Well?
What?
Thank you.
Well, thank you.
APPLE THIEVES