Appofeniacs (2025) Movie Script
1
Yeah, buddy.
Chase!
Oh, God.
Oh, harder! Harder, Chase!
Oh, God, Chase.
Chase, that was amazing.
Yeah, you know I got that.
Smile for the camera, baby.
Why would you do this to me?
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.
Man.
I had fun with you
yesterday too.
Yeah. I know.
I know.
Love you too.
Okay.
No, James, stop!
Please! What are you doing?
I'm not stupid.
I'm not stupid.
- You're not stupid.
- You think I'm stupid?
- No, no, no, no, no!
- You think I'm stupid?
- No, no! No!
- Huh?
How many times?
How many times?
- How many times what?
- How many fucking times?
Huh? Fuck! Fuck!
How many fucking times?
How many times?
Huh? Huh?
This.
This is 100,000 times more
powerful than the computer
that was onboard
the space shuttle
that flew to the fuckin' moon.
And we're all just walking
around with one of these
- in our fucking back pockets.
- Yeah, it's neat.
"Neat"?
"Neat"? "Neat" is a dog
that knows how to skateboard.
That's neat. This--
this is the fuckin' bees
to the knees, my man.
You're stalling, Duke.
Our phones can do
what TV shows and movies
used to dream up.
We can open an app, type in
some words, and it'll spit out
something indistinguishable
from real life.
We can turn words
into pictures.
We can turn words into voices.
We can turn words into videos.
We can do that now, Ced.
We all can.
We're all fuckin' nerds now.
The-- the Winslows
have become the Urkels.
And while people might
pretend like they care
if something's true or not,
they don't give a fuck.
If it's plausible enough,
they'll believe it,
especially,
especially if deep down--
If deep down
they wanna believe it,
fuckin' forget about it, man.
People are easy to manipulate.
And let me tell you, Ced...
manipulating them
has never been easier.
And it's never been more fun.
I'm gonna ask you
a really boring question,
but you've got to promise not
to think I'm a boring person.
Shoot.
How do you like
driving an electric car?
Love it.
Smooth ride.
Plug it in at home,
don't think about it.
What do you drive?
Well, when my car
isn't in the shop,
it's an old piece
of shit Chevelle.
Chevelle?
Car ain't a piece of shit.
It's cool as hell. What year?
Well, mine's a piece of shit.
The clutch keeps
going out on me
and the brakes are shit.
It's a '72.
Stick shift, huh?
Look at you.
That's how my daddy taught me.
For-- for the life of me,
never figured it out.
Bet you look
fucking cool driving it.
What's your name?
You saw my name when
I booked the ride. It's Poppy.
Nah, it ain't.
You don't believe me?
You calling me a liar, Tim?
So it's really Poppy?
Like, that's your birth name?
Since the day
I escaped June's hoo-ha.
So you're telling me
your name's Poppy
and you're just sitting back
there sucking on a lollipop?
I'm telling you
my name's Poppy
and I'm sitting back here
sucking on a lollipop.
All right.
Cool.
I dig it.
I like your accent.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I like your face.
Is that right?
Well, it ain't wrong.
So, where are you from?
Sugarland, Texas.
Outside Houston.
Tim from Texas.
So what you doing after
you drop me off, Texas Tim?
Uh, I guess I'll head back
and hope someone else
needs to do the same thing...
Lollipoppy.
No. You're hanging out
with me and my friends.
Oh. Am I?
I think my husband's
gonna like you.
Husband? You didn't say
nothing about a husband.
Well, guess what, Texas Tim?
You're in luck, 'cause
my husband likes to watch.
Likes to watch?
He likes to watch.
He just likes to watch?
Oh, yeah.
And I think he's gonna really
like watching you fuck me.
Is that right?
It ain't wrong.
Ha. Cute.
Yes, I am.
Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
Wait.
So what'd you do last night?
What do you mean?
I just told you.
Well, tell me again.
Chase, what were you doing
the last five minutes
- that I was talking?
- Not paying attention.
Ah, maybe you are
the one with 80-HD.
And maybe
your story is boring.
See, if it was so boring,
then why do you want to
hear it again? Maronna mia.
Maronna mia.
Why do you think
it's called 80-HD?
Are there 80 variations of it?
- What?
- ADHD.
Was it discovered in the '80s?
Honestly, I don't know.
- You being serious?
- Si.
I can't tell if
you're fucking with me.
I'm not!
Okay, you fucking with me, or
are you just fucking retarded?
Oh, I'm being serious!
A-D-H-D. Not eight-zero.
A-D. Attention Deficit
Hyperactive Disorder.
- Okay.
- Fucking dumbass Dago.
I'm not a citizen. I do not
know these kinds of things.
What does that matter?
You lived here long enough.
How are you not a citizen yet?
Ah,
it's complicated.
Wanna talk about it?
No.
Wanna make me a drink?
No.
Fuck you wanna do, then?
Make myself a drink.
This fucking guy.
- Poppy.
- Chase.
- Random guy.
- Uh, name's Tim.
This is Texas Tim.
Tim's good.
All right,
welcome to our rental abode.
I'm Chase. That greasy goombah
over there is Stolleto.
Fuck you!
No, no, not you. You.
Ciao. Santo. Nice to meet you.
Does he know you're married?
She's married.
He knows.
Does Banks know about him?
He does. He'll be here soon.
Banks is coming?
Yeah. You knew this.
- I did?
- You did.
Oh. Cool.
Cool.
Stolleto,
did you know Banks was coming?
He is?
He is.
Oh. Cool.
Cool.
Is that what I think it is?
It's perfect.
The attention to detail, guys.
The-- the battle markings,
the direction of the grain,
it's impeccabile.
What are y'all going on about?
This is an original
Clinto Binto replica
of the Shield of Sadanki.
It's, um,
manga cosplaying ecology.
Basically, Clinto Binto
turns fantasy into reality.
His work is unmatched
when it comes to
authentic cosplay designs.
So y'all do, like,
dress-up as superheroes?
Not exactly how we'd put it,
but yeah, something like that.
All right, I'm gonna go
put my stuff away and tinkle.
- What the hell is this?
- Great question.
I was hoping that you could
shed some light on that.
We all know
there's only two things
that Poppy's
good at doing, no?
Being a bitch
and looking pretty.
- Wow.
- And these day-- listen,
and these days, the filters
and the fillers...
...they do
all the heavy lifting, no?
Yikes!
- That's not very nice.
- Ha-ha, okay.
It is not real.
Where did you get that?
- It was sent to me.
- By who?
It doesn't matter.
- Yes, it does.
- No, it doesn't.
What matters is why the fuck
would you say that about me?
I didn't-- Poppy,
this is not funny.
- Come on.
- I'm not laughing.
Poppy, this is crazy.
Fuck you!
Do not fucking call me crazy.
- Whoa! Poppy, come on.
- Easy!
This is obviously not real.
Please.
- I mean...
- Poppy.
...it's not
obviously not real.
Poppy,
somebody's fucking with me.
What, are you saying
the video's fake?
It's manipulated?
Look,
I'm not saying you're lying,
but, I mean, that's you, so...
It looks like me, yeah,
but it's not! It's not.
Or maybe it is and
they-- they fucked my mouth.
I do not know.
They, uh, fucked your mouth?
- They fucked with my mouth.
- That's not what you said.
Oh, they fucked with my mouth!
This is not real! I do not
know what else to-- to say.
Clearly you've
already said enough.
I'm just saying.
I'm just saying.
Okay,
and I'm also just saying.
Just saying.
Fuck you, Chase!
Wow.
I got you. It's okay.
Apologize.
Yeah!
Shut the fuck up, Chase.
Apologize.
Banks, I did not--
I said apologize.
Do you even know
what we're talking about?
Yes, dipshit.
She sent me the video.
- Now apologize.
- But that video's--
- I said apologize!
- Banks.
- Fine. Jesus, sorry.
- No.
Not to Jesus.
To Poppy.
I'm sorry, Poppy.
Let's move on.
This is bumming me out.
Why did you just apologize?
What?
Why'd you apologize for
something you didn't do?
What-- what?
You said you didn't do it.
But then
you apologized for it?
Yeah,
because you were--
- Because?
- Because I do not feel like
dealing with your shit, okay?
It's fine, Banks. It's fine.
He said he's sorry.
Exactly. He said
he's sorry for something
he said he didn't do.
Am I the only one
that finds that a little odd?
You're the only one
who won't let it go.
I'm sorry,
who the fuck are you?
No apology needed. Name's Tim.
Banky Bear. This is Texas Tim.
This is who
I was texting you about.
He's joining us tonight.
- Oh, lovely.
- I guess I'm the guy
who's gonna fuck your wife
in front of you.
Okay, cowboy.
Saddle the machismo.
Y'all came here
to have a good time, right?
The dude said
something stupid,
said he's sorry,
and your girl's good
to move on, so...
quit piddling around...
and let's fucking party.
Uh, Banks.
Hey,
water under the bridge, yeah?
I just wanted
to get past the bullshit
and have a good time was all.
That's weed.
I don't smoke.
But thanks.
Uh, you from Scotland?
No.
You got family out there?
No.
Is that part
of your cosplay getup?
No.
Time to get in
the time machine.
Coming?
That's the plan,
ain't it?
- Stolleto! Hot tub!
- Maybe later.
All right. I ain't your papa.
So, what's the consensus?
Do we believe him?
Santo?
I hope he'd never
actually say that about me.
Would he actually
be that mean?
I've heard him say worse.
Not about you.
Just in general.
He tries to be Swiss,
but he can be quite
the Machiavellian mozzarella.
- What?
- Do you mind?
Yes, I fucking mind.
This is not your hot tub.
This is our hot tub.
It's not even
his fucking hot tub.
Come on, pal.
Don't make it a thing.
With all due respect, pal,
suck a smegma-smothered dick.
Goddamn it, fine!
Fuck you guys.
Hey, I plan on coming back
and using this,
so don't contaminate it.
Yes, okay, Chase.
I mean it.
What?
Oh,
I didn't say anything.
But you want to.
I see your stupid thin
little lips quivering to talk.
Well... you know,
you did boycott her birthday.
- Huh?
- Poppy's birthday.
- You refused to go.
- No, I did not refuse to go.
- I was working.
- Could've got it off.
No, I couldn't.
No touching.
So because I refused
to go to her birthday because
I could not make it, you think
I was actually talking shit,
even though--
even though I was the one who
recently helped her
pick up her new TV.
Stolleto, you doing a gesture
of momentary kindness
does not mean that you did
not vocally defecate on her.
I helped my geriatric neighbor
bring in her groceries
the other day, despite
the fact that every morning,
I pray to the gods for her
to choke on
her Werther's Original.
Sounds like you're projecting.
Oh, it does?
Is that what it sounds like?
Yes, it does. It clearly
is something that you do,
and so you're accusing me
of doing the same.
Oh, is that what I'm doing?
Chase, keep responding
with a question all you want,
but that does not
change the fact
that you're being
a drunk pezzo di merda
and you can go
fuck the right off.
- Fuckin' A!
- What?
Yeah.
He's watching,
that's the deal.
Yeah, yeah,
but he's-- he's-- he's--
What? What'd you
expect he'd be doing?
Working on his stand-up?
So you don't think
that's weird?
It's what we do.
It'd be weird if
I thought it was weird.
Look at me.
He's watching you,
not the other way around.
- Here's the thing.
- Mado, Chase, let it go.
It just seems like
a convenient alibi.
Fuck this.
I'm gonna go take a shit.
Love me a good protest shit.
Salud!
Ah! Ah!
Whoa! What the fuck, James?
You scared the shit out of me.
You good?
- Um... no.
- What?
What are you saying?
I told her I want to...
Wait, what?
What are you saying?
- I knew it.
- What are you saying?
I fucking knew it!
I know
you fucked her! Fuck you!
Ah, no!
No!
Darling, you're a special
kind of beautiful, but...
That's it?
I don't know what it is.
Could have been something.
Well, it was definitely
something.
Aah!
We're a different
kind of breed.
Yes, you are.
Have fun with that.
What the fuck? Hey!
Hey!
Oh, my God!
Baby! Banks.
Banks!
Baby! Help!
Help!
Oh my God, James! Stop!
No! Stop!
Oh! Whoa!
Fuck!
Stop!
Hey! Stop!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Oh my God, he's fucking dead.
Oh my God, he's dead!
He's dead.
Oh, my God.
Here, here. Here, here!
What the fuck do I do
with Band-Aids?
I don't know,
I'm just trying to help.
He's dead,
Chase is fucking dead.
I was-- I was just
trying to stop James.
Wait, y'all know this fella?
Yeah.
James.
Where's Ali?
They-- They did this.
They-- They did this.
James, where is she?
Is she okay?
They did this!
It's not my fault!
It's not my fault!
They-- They did this!
- Where you going?
- Hey! Hey! Hey!
We've gotta call 9-1-1.
Get your ass back here!
Banks!
- Banks needs help!
- No, no, wait.
Poppy, give me the phone.
Poppy, give me the phone.
- What? Why?
- We cannot call the cops yet.
- Please, give me the phone.
- No, wait. What? Why?
- We have to!
- Okay, but just hang on.
Wait, please. Come on, Poppy.
Banks!
Wait, Poppy, per favore!
Banks!
Poppy, Poppy, per favore.
- Poppy.
- Banks!
Poppy, I need to see the--
the phone, please.
- Poppy. Poppy!
- Banks? Move!
Poppy! Please, stop.
Banks, where are you?
Poppy, I need the phone.
Poppy, come on!
- Please!
- Stoletto, what the fuck?
We have to call the cops.
Okay, but just...
Poppy, they will send me back.
They will send me back.
They will not
let me stay here.
Do you fucking understand?
Can we please be
on the same page
of what we're gonna say
before we call them?
What do you mean?
We have to tell them
exactly what happened.
- No.
- We have to.
No! Poppy,
give me the phone. Poppy!
- Get off me!
- Poppy, give me the phone.
No, Poppy, per favore.
- Give me the phone.
- Fuck you!
Give me back the phone, Poppy!
Give me back that phone.
Give me the phone! Stop that!
No!
Oh!
What the fuck happened?
She-- She's leaped.
- What?
- She's leaped.
Holy shit.
Call 9-1-1, quick!
Hey, hey, Poppy.
Hang in there.
Hang in there.
Hey, hey, hey!
Hang in there.
Dude, just call 9-1-1, quick.
- She's leaved.
- Poppy, hey, hey, hey.
Hang in there. Poppy.
Poppy! Call 9-1-1!
Hey! Hey!
Hey! What the fuck
are you doing?
I was just, I was trying
to get the phone from her,
and she kept on pointing,
and she's leaved.
Hey, hey, hey.
Listen to me, you fuck.
We got a dead body in here,
and we got
another one outside.
You are the fucking
common denominator.
Do not fucking move.
Ah!
No. Hang on.
Hang on, what are you--
Hey, fuck you!
All right, hold on, hold on.
No phone!
Hey!
And not my phone, either.
Have you lost your mind?
And the No Poppy phone.
Are you fucking kidding me
right now?
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
- Oh! No!
- Hey!
Get off of me! Get off of me!
You don't understand!
Banks is fucking psycho!
Yeah, I've picked up on that.
No, no, I'm not talking about
Back to the Future
being psycho.
I'm talking about
Back to the Future Part 2,
a deep psycho.
He's gonna try to kill me.
Probably both of us.
You don't believe me?
- He's already killed someone.
- What?
They ruled it a self-defense,
but the circumstances
were pretty suspicious,
and that guy's deranged.
Cazzo.
Dude, what kind of fucked-up
friend group is this?
You know how there
are some people
that you just know
are capable of murder
and it only takes
that one moment
for them to snap?
- Like you? Like you?
- Cazzo.
Cazzo!
We have to get out of here.
That guy's got PCP
raging through him.
It will not end well for us.
What the heck are you
talking about, PCP?
What do you think
he meant by dust?
I don't know.
I-- I-- I thought
he just meant old weed
he had sitting around.
He did the angel dust,
you fucking idiot!
We have to get out of here
right now!
Trust me on this.
I don't trust you.
How do I know y'all--
y'all aren't in cahoots?
Huh? Huh?
Oh, fuck. Oh, God.
Come on, we've gotta hide.
You're fucking dead!
I'm gonna find you.
You can't hide from me.
Now! What?
What?
I can smell you.
I can smell you,
motherfuckers.
Fuck.
Come on.
I'm gettin' the fuck
out of here.
Unlock it.
- You threw my phone.
- What?
You threw my phone. You--
You-- You threw my phone.
- That's the key to my car.
- What do you mean?
You-- You don't have a key?
- No.
- Well, why not?
Don't you have a key card
or something, too?
- I don't have it on me.
- Why not?
Because I wasn't planning
on someone
throwing my fuckin' phone,
that's why!
- Oh!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Where's your car?
- I did not drive.
- I rode with Chase.
- Okay.
- Where's Chase's car?
- In the garage.
You had to throw my phone.
Is that...
Oh! Found it.
- Whose?
- Mine.
Give it to me.
Unlock it.
Go.
What's my phone
doing out there?
He found it?
- He's watching us.
- Oh, God.
I don't like that.
Where are you?
Where are you,
you son of a bitch.
Banks!
Banks!
What's going on here?
You trying to scare us?
Mission accomplished.
You trying
to do something else?
This is fucking crazy, pal!
What's crazy...
is that Poppy and Chase
are both dead.
Banks. Banks, please.
It-- It was an accident.
I was just trying to--
to-- to stop to James,
and then Poppy and I
were arguing over the phone,
and she sleeped. Please!
Maybe she sleeped.
Maybe you're a fucking liar!
She's dead because of you.
And maybe I'm gonna enjoy
killing you both for it.
Okay, good talk.
Oh, my God.
Oh my God, what do I do here?
What do-- oh!
What do we do, Tim?
Tim! Oh! What do we do?
Tim! I don't know.
Okay,
maybe we should just go--
Oh!
Ooh...
Where you going?
Help!
Hey! Stop!
Okay...
No. Oh, shit.
No, no, no.
That...
was...
awesome.
It's a whole
different ballgame
when you see it
in person, right?
Holy shit.
Holy shit!
Clint!
Uh, Clinto Binto.
Clinto Binto.
I'm at a loss for words.
I-- I-- You have to make
my suit and my gear, man.
You fucking have to.
Oh, my God.
Um...
There's just...
You just gotta work with me
on the price here, man.
You know, come on.
It's a little high,
don't you think?
Brass tacks.
You know why you're here?
I'll tell you why you're here.
I shouldn't have to.
You know why you're here,
but I'll tell you anyway.
You don't want
to just cosplay.
You want to be the character.
Yes, you do. Yes, you do.
I do.
That's why you're here.
Not for some bullshit
foam detail.
Not for a crushed panne cloak.
I don't fuck
with crushed panne.
If the character's weapons
cut, shoot, spin,
they'll do exactly that.
If the design features wood,
you're gonna
get genuine grain.
If a look calls for metal,
well...
consider me Hetfield,
because your ass
is getting fucking metal.
I'll forge it, roll it,
extrude it.
My shit is
the real deal, bucko.
You ain't tiptoeing past TSA
with a Binto in your baggage.
But I don't make shit
for the masses.
I make shit
for the coveted affairs
that you wish you got
invited to,
that you finally
did get invited to.
And when you walk in
looking like
you just went
toe-to-toe with Goku in 8K...
everyone is gonna want
to suck your dick so bad
that you're gonna want to suck
my dick so bad.
- Clint!
- Yes, Evie?
We have talked about this.
Don't say shit like that.
You're creeping him out.
No, I'm not.
- Am I?
- You're not.
- I am not.
- He's just saying that.
Are you just saying that?
No,
I'm not just saying that.
He is not just saying that.
Okay, why would he say
he's just saying that?
- He just said he is not.
- No, dummy.
If he was just saying that,
why would he admit
to just saying that
when you ask him
if he's just saying that?
Yeah, just,
please stop telling people
they're gonna want
to blow you.
Ev, I am simply illustrating
the fact
that my level of devotion
to the craft
will lead to a certain level
of appreciation on his part.
Well, say that,
you goddamn weirdo.
I am so sorry.
He's the best, you know.
Whatever you're gonna have him
cook up for you,
it's gonna be super nummy.
I'm off to the shop.
Don't forget to change
the battery.
Careful, there.
That's one of the strongest
adhesives on the market.
Instant bond.
You get that on your skin,
you are going to regret it.
Okay, so,
my price is my price.
And it needs to be paid
up front, and in full.
You'll get your shit
six to eight months
after my phone goes cha-ching.
Six to eight months?
The House of Binto
has a billowing wait list.
Look, the thing is,
I kinda don't...
have the money
right now, anymore.
- Um, but I'm gonna get it.
- You send, I start.
I'm gonna get you your money.
You gotta believe me, I'm
gonna get it for you, I swear.
You gotta stop telling me
what I gotta do.
Look, I want you looking
as fly as Goldblum
on a Sunday afternoon.
But I gotta get paid.
I gotta.
I gotta.
Fuck you, man!
Fuck you!
You fucking dick!
Don't do me a fucking favor.
Fuck you, man!
I gotta get something
off my chest.
What is up with people
not putting
shopping carts back
where they belong?
I just got back
from the grocery store,
and there were carts,
carelessly abandoned.
Have the decency
to put your carbon
steel companion
in its rightful destination,
nested with its peers.
Banks are a scam...
that the government
has tricked you
into trusting.
That's why I took
all of my money out
of the bank.
I gotta get something
off my chest.
Banks are a scam
that the government has
tricked you into trusting.
Did you know that
they can freeze
and seize your money
at their own will?
That's why I took all
of my money out of the bank.
Why would I want to risk
letting them steal
Hundreds of thousands
of dollars of my money,
when I know it's safe,
right here,
in the House of Binto.
Fuck.
Ced. Hey, man.
Where were you
yesterday?
Hello?
I-- I don't know.
You don't know
where you were?
I...
Hello?
Hello?
Just, I was just dealing
with some shit.
You're always dealing
with some shit, Duke.
I'm sick of your excuses.
I want my money.
- Hello?
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay, yeah, Ced.
Got it. Okay.
Then when
am I getting it?
Hello?
- Hello?
- I-- I don't know.
Soon. Okay, listen.
I-- I gotta go.
Dude, man, I smoked--
Fuck you.
And the bulb didn't shatter?
Nope.
How'd you get it out?
Well, that's a story for
a different time, my friend.
How can I help you?
I'll get a large cold brew,
and um...
well, I guess
a blueberry muffin.
All right,
one large cold brew,
and a blueberry muffin.
That'll be... $10.89.
It's just gonna ask you
a quick question.
Why don't you enlighten me on
what that quick question is?
It's right there on
the screen.
Hmm.
Yes. It is. Isn't it?
Let me get this straight.
You want a tip for... what?
Filling my cup up with coffee?
For doing the correct
mix and ratio
or, uh, handing me
a fucking muffin?
You want the tip
for doing the basic
requirements of your job.
Look, man, I didn't come up
with this system, okay?
Yeah, well, you're more
than happy to benefit
from it, aren't ya? Yeah.
You know, what you do here
is no different than
what they do at Taco Bell.
But you don't-- you don't
throw in an extra Washington
when they're whipping up
your Crunchwrap Supreme,
do ya? No.
You don't.
But you expect me to do
just that for you.
Everything good here, Wayne?
Yeah, man, it's cool.
Look, we don't get paid
enough here, but whatever.
You don't have to tip,
all right?
Oh, I am well aware
of that, Wayne.
What I'd like to know
is why you think
it's okay to guilt me
into paying you extra.
Instead of getting mad at me
for your pay shortcomings,
why don't you get
mad at your employer?
They have somehow
successfully Keyser Soze-d
all of you into thinking
that it's the customer's job
to pick up the fucking slack.
Dude, there's a line
forming behind you.
I need to help
the next customer.
Sorry.
I just had to get
this off my chest.
I feel you.
Don't get me wrong,
I'm gonna tip
because I don't
want to be shamed,
but it's fucking stupid.
It is fucking stupid.
Everyone now
has the gall to spin
that fucking screen around.
You know, you're not even
finished with the transaction,
and you're already
asking for a bonus.
It's bullshit like this
that's going to make us all
not give a fuck when your job
is replaced by robots.
No shame.
No shame.
Fuck's sake, dude,
it's like two bucks.
See? This is what they want.
They're turning us
against each other
so they-- so they can
get away with it.
They?
There's some big conspiracy
of they trying
to get your tip money?
There might be.
They just fucking might be.
Hm.
Hi. I am so sorry
you had to deal with that.
I'm very happy to tip.
My point is you shouldn't be
guilted into doing it.
Dude, country grammar,
zip it.
Your turn's over.
Okay, can I just get
a medium flat white?
Yeah, that'll be $5.59.
Thanks.
Here you go.
Hey, Duke. What's up, man?
Hey, Franco.
So, what's on
the docket today?
Lazzy.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Yeah, I see
where you're coming from
with that, man.
And there's a lot of people
that would agree with you.
Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Hey, Laz.
- Hey, babe.
Thin mint?
Don't have to ask me twice.
Mm.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm.
'Tis the season, huh?
I gotta get me
some caramel delights.
Mm.
What's a caramel delight?
Delights?
You've never had them?
With the caramel drizzle
and the coconut shavings?
Mm. They are
the duck's quack.
You mean Samoans.
You mean Samoas.
And they're not
called that anymore.
They changed the name.
No, not.
What are you talking about,
they changed the name?
I just bought a box last week.
- Of caramel delights?
- Of Samoas.
No, you didn't.
You didn't buy Samoas, Laz?
You couldn't have.
You couldn't have.
I was in Whittier last week.
What were you doing
in Whittier?
Visiting David Shade.
Oh, I hate David Shade.
We all do.
So, before I headed back home,
I stopped at a Ralph's.
And on my way out,
there was this cute little
Asian girl
with the chubbiest cheeks
and one little dimple.
And she was sitting at a table
surrounded by cookie goodness.
So, I handed her my money.
And you know what she did?
I'll tell you what she did.
She handed me
a box of Thin Mints
and a box of Samoas.
And that purple box of Samoas
is currently relaxing on
my kitchen quartz countertop
with about, oh...
four cookies
left for consumption?
Okay, well did you look
at the label on the box?
Does it actually say Samoas
or do you just think
it says Samoas?
I bet--
You know what I bet, Lazzy?
You didn't pay attention.
In fact, I'm certain of it.
Well, you're certainly wrong.
It doesn't say Samoas
because it can't say Samoas
because Samoas don't exist.
You know what you do have?
Caramel delights.
And those delights are delish.
Someone's
a confident cunt today.
Lazarus Beeler.
Find everything you needed?
Mm-hmm.
All right,
that's gonna be $43.57.
Here you go.
Have a nice day.
What was her deal?
Hm. I don't know.
Probably just not
much of a talker.
- You know what's a great
movie? -Hm?
Django Unchained.
It's one of my favs.
Okay.
What, you don't agree?
No, totally. It's top tier.
I just cleared out
this guy's movie collection
at a yard sale.
Got me some tasty finds, Ev.
Tasty finds.
Yeah, you like to have
the actual media, huh?
I am a-okay with streaming.
Give me that sweet,
sweet convenience, baby.
Yeah.
But when you've got
the physical thing,
they can't fuck with it.
All right, Neil deLaz Tyson.
Much as I love being here
when I don't have to be,
I'm going to head out.
I bid you adieu.
Adieu.
- All right, thank you.
- Yeah, you too.
You think you people
can just come around here
and do whatever you want?
How many times
do I have to tell you
that you don't belong here.
You fucking brat!
- What the fuck?
- You're scaring me!
You're a--
Scaring me! Help!
You're scaring me!
I'm gonna call the police!
You fucking evil nigger!
I'm gonna call the police!
Oh, shit. Holy shit.
There's an
African-American man...
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
...standing there
in my fucking building
and he's threatening me!
Holy shit, holy shit.
Get out of here!
Get out of here!
You don't belong here,
you fucking--
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
Oh, fuck. Fuck.
Hi, you've
reached Evie. Sorry...
Fuck.
Ah, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck!
Oh, what the fuck.
I'm freaking out.
I don't know what to do.
This is bonkers.
This is fake, right?
Evie. Wa--
Yes, of course it is.
I have no idea
what's going on.
Wait.
When you say Django is one
of your favorite movies,
can you please elaborate?
Evie, now is not the time.
Oh, no, Laz.
Do you root for Leo?
Evie,
that's not fucking funny.
Okay, okay.
- You're right, you're right.
- Oh my God, oh my God.
How many people
have seen this?
Dude, internet sleuths
are going to blow my shit up.
Don't stress.
It's not real, right?
So, everything's
gonna be fine.
Come over tomorrow
and we'll figure it out.
Beeler?
Beeler.
Okay, I'm going to close up
shop and see you tomorrow.
Sounds good.
Hey. Deep breaths.
Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye, babe.
Fuck.
Hello?
Hello, is someone here?
Oh, shit!
I am so sorry.
Thank God,
you scared the fuck out of me.
Okay.
That is an employee's
only bathroom.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I just--
I was going to piss myself.
Well, I basically did with
this whole back and forth.
- Okay.
- Wait.
Have we met before?
You look real familiar.
Oh, were you at Jay's party?
I'm Nick.
Are you okay?
Look, we're closed.
What?
You have to leave.
The fuck?
You have to leave.
We are closed.
You have to leave.
I'm sorry, aren't you open
for like another hour
or something?
I'm just freaking
out right now
and I just
have to close up the shop
and you have to leave.
Um, okay.
Okay.
Mm-kay.
You have a good night.
Yeah, thank you. You too.
Bitch,
I was not being sincere.
You!
It was you!
It was you!
Okay. It's okay, it's okay.
It was you!
It was you!
It was you!
9-1-1, what's your emergency?
Hi. Yeah, um,
uh, there's a man.
There's a man outside my store
and he's stalking me.
Okay, ma'am, calm down.
Is he threatening you?
Yeah, he-- he yelled at me.
What did he yell?
He said it was, "It was you."
Okay, do you
know what he meant by that?
Do you know this man?
What is he doing now?
I don't know him.
He's-- he's...
He's just standing there
staring at me.
He's staring at you?
Yes, he's staring at me.
It's really fucking creepy.
Can you
please just send someone?
Ma'am, calm down.
Why do you keep saying that?
Ma'am, you need to calm down.
It's not illegal
to stare at someone.
This isn't
just some innocuous stare.
Do you not understand
that I'm scared?
I understand.
No, I don't
think you understand.
There is a man
standing outside
and I think
he wants to kill me.
Why do you think that?
Okay, well...
the thing is...
he's Black.
I'm sorry?
Look, there was a video of me
saying the N-word
a bunch of times online
and-- and I'm scared that
he probably saw it
and that he wants
to hurt me or kill me.
But it's not real, okay?
I-- I didn't say it.
It's not me.
Well, it was me,
but it wasn't actually me.
So there's a video
of you saying the n-word
and you're calling the police
because a Black man
is looking at you
and it's making you nervous.
Look, I know it sounds bad,
but he also yelled at me
and it was really scary.
Can you
please just send someone?
He's...
Ma'am. Hello?
Fuck.
- Ma'am?
- Where'd you go?
Where'd you go?
I'm right here, ma'am.
I know.
He's gone.
The man's gone?
Maybe. I don't know.
I don't see him.
He must be hiding somewhere.
Okay. Well, if he comes back
and actually threatens you,
give us a call back.
What do you mean? You're not
going to send someone?
Ma'am, calm down.
The situation
is not an emergency.
I can transfer you
to the local station
if you'd like
to make a report
and you can call back if he
returns and threatens you.
Are you fucking serious?
I'll be dead by then.
Ma'am,
I'm transferring your call.
Have a good night.
Your call
has been forwarded to an...
God damn it!
...next
available representative.
Please have your--
Fuck.
Shit.
Okay.
It's okay. It's okay.
Hey, are you okay?
Oh my God, I'm so sorry!
Oh, my God.
Holy...
He's threatening me!
And he's trying to come into
my apartment!
That's...
That's pretty fucked up, Duke.
Yeah. Uh... let's see.
I already showed you
this dick.
Uh, let me see. Oh, here.
Look at this chick.
Okay.
- She does porno?
- Nope.
This is a clip from
Put It Where
It Doesn't Belong
starring Charity Sins.
I swapped
Charity's face for hers
and then
one of her friends' face
for the dude porking her.
Sent it to her boyfriend.
What'd she do to you?
Nothing.
- Nothing?
- Mm-mm.
I don't even know her.
You don't know her?
Nope.
No, she's just
fucking annoying.
Her and her friends
are just like...
noise on the--
on the internet, you know?
In a few days,
I'll probably send
an update of her crying
because her boyfriend
dumped her
and, you know, she tries
to make everything a thing.
In the wrong hands,
this technology
can get kind of ruthless.
And that's the thing, Ced.
It's already in
the wrong hands
because it's in our hands.
Shoot!
Reality's about to get
really confusing.
Yeah.
Okay. Um...
If I could just correct course
as to why I'm even here.
I'm assuming, once again,
I'm not looking
at a fat envelope
on this tiny table because...
Fucking.
Fucking.
You know, I shouldn't
have watched Passenger 57
so many times beforehand.
Fucking roulette.
Took all my money.
Took all my money.
But see, that's where I
was going with all this, Ced.
We can use this
to get your money back.
Let me show you.
Look, you can record
your own video,
you can upload one
from the internet,
and then, uh, if you press
this to analyze the voice.
Now, you can
record your own voice
or you could just write
some things on here
and, you know, it'll
analyze the text for you.
If you want
to change somebody's face,
all you have to do is
add one photo here.
One photo.
That's all it fucking takes.
And then it analyzes it.
Boom.
Boom.
Boom. See what I mean?
Fucking easy peasy
to fuck with people.
Just think
about how easy it'll be
to-- to scam 'em or extort 'em
into them
giving you all their money.
Shit, man.
With this technology, I mean,
you could make
someone disappear
without somebody even noticing
until it's way too late.
Bees to
the fucking knees, man.
I'm telling you.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
That shit's fucking strong.
Oh.
Fuck.
You know, the neat part
about this is that...
Franco predicted
you'd come around.
- What?
- Oh, oh, listen.
- Listen.
- Who the fuck is Franco?
Oh, no, no, no.
And why are you
talking to him about me?
Pfft. No, man.
No, no, no, no. It's not--
- it's not what you--
- Is something funny?
No. Ced, listen.
Just listen to me.
- I can explain. I--
- Who the fuck is Franco?
Ced, just relax.
- Does he have my money?
- Listen--
Does he have my fucking money?
Does he?
Does he?
Hand me--
What the fuck, man?
What the fuck, man?
What the fuck, man?
Ced, Ced, Ced, Ced.
I'm gonna get your money, man.
I'm gonna get your money, man.
I'm gonna get your money.
You just did, Duke.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
Ow! Fuck me!
Ah!
- Lazzy?
- That's the rumor.
Everything good?
Huh?
- Hospital.
- Oh.
I was just visiting someone.
They're okay?
Somehow, yes.
Thankfully.
You? You all right?
Feeling
a little yucky, actually.
Yucky, huh?
Yucca Valley?
- Where's that?
- The desert.
- Near Joshua Tree.
- Well, shit.
Yucky girl in the back
and yucca girl up next.
What do you think?
Should I take it?
- Probably a good payday.
- Yeah.
Fuck me.
That's stupid far.
It's kind of weird,
though, right? Like...
yucky and yucca.
Yeah. Could be a sign.
Could be meant to be.
Could be.
Could be a mistake.
Traffic's gonna be a bitch.
Could use the money, though.
Hey, Duke.
What's going on, man?
Fucking Frank.0.
So, you looking just to chat
or is there something
in particular
I can help you out with?
Yeah, uh...
Can you... uh, help me
figure out how to use an app?
Yeah, of course I can, man.
I can't deal with
all this shit, man.
So, I'm going on
an extended vacation.
I can't deal with
all this shit, man.
So, I'm going on
an extended vacation.
Guess I'm a nerd now, Duke.
You do anything productive
while you're out there?
I got some cherries.
The fruit?
- The bombs.
- They still make those?
does.
Wanna blow one out?
Now? Here?
What are you, 12 years old?
Making things go boom is fun.
- Yeah, all right.
- Fuck yeah!
You sure that wick
is long enough?
Do not disrespect
craftsmanship.
- Hello?
- Hey, babe.
I need your help with my app.
Oh, hey, babe. What number
are you calling me from?
My phone died, so I'm
calling from a friend's.
I'm trying to get into
our Insta for the shot,
but it's based on the login.
Why not just do it
when you get back?
I just need to take care
of something real quick.
Boom!
Okay, as a login,
it's our email,
and the password is,
one-exclamation point, don't
forget to capitalize the O.
Oh, that's it, yep.
I forgot to capitalize the O
by accident, for some reason.
Okay, uh... okay, I gotta go,
babe, I'll see you later.
- Bye.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, babe.
How you doing?
Oh, no. Come here.
It's gonna be okay.
Why don't you ring the bell?
Clint's home.
I did. Nothing happened.
Oh, my God.
He didn't change the battery.
No, it's okay.
Just press 5282 on the keypad.
What are you dummies doing?
It was Charlie's idea.
Hey, Abby.
This is the last one.
No, no. What are you,
12 years old?
Snazzy Lazzy!
Stirring up trouble, Tomsy?
Trying.
You look like you could use
a hug. Come here.
Do you realize
how obnoxious this is?
Babe, I tried telling him,
but he wouldn't listen.
How dare you?
You okay?
- Oh, boy.
- I saw this, like,
chicken and rice recipe online
that I kind of want to try.
Ev?
I can't find
the Gargantua Glue.
- Did you put it somewhere?
- I did not.
Did you change the battery
on the doorbell camera?
I did not.
You're on a roll, babe.
I'mma roll your face.
Oh, yeah?
You know what
I'm gonna do to yours?
What's that?
This.
And this.
And this.
Now put your shit away
so I can make dinner.
Laz, we are gonna find out
who did this to you
and we are going to end
their very existence.
Don't you worry.
You talk to the cops?
Yeah, I kind of had to.
What happened to...
No! Oh!
How's that guy doing?
Surprisingly alright.
All things considered.
- Thank goodness.
- Ooh.
What?
Nunya.
Pendejo.
- I'm gonna make water.
- Gross.
On that note,
I'm gonna get more wine.
- Do you want some?
- Babe, I would love some.
Laz, what's wrong?
Babe?
What the fuck?
Who's out there?
Charlie, get in here!
There's no one there.
It was probably
just some homeless person
cracked out on something.
Our neighbors had
a similar situation recently.
It's okay, babe.
It's nothing to worry about.
What's with the yelling?
What happened?
Somebody tried to get
in the house.
What?
Uh, Charlie?
I think you tried to DM
a bit of your baloney pony
to some dude
and accidentally posted it.
You just scored
a golden ticket
to Charlie
and the Fuck Factory.
Enjoy your stay.
What? That's...
on my profile right now?
What the fuck?
- Delete. Delete.
- Wow.
The fuck, Charlie?
Were you wanking it
in our bathroom?
Don't wank it in
our bathroom, Charlie.
I must have--
I must have been...
I must have been hacked.
That is obviously a deepfake.
That's not me.
Oh, fuck, yeah.
Oh, what, you have something
you wanna say, Laz?
Perhaps the N-word
a few more times?
Wow. Way to false equate.
- Nice try, Charlie.
- Oh, I see.
Okay, so you want
everyone to believe
that you weren't
around town,
but you don't believe me.
I don't understand
what's the big deal, anyway.
Aren't you guys always passing
your dicks around
to each other?
Your dad follows my account,.
Charlie, that's my bathroom.
It does kind of look like it.
No, no,
it doesn't look like it.
It is it.
And you're wearing
the same outfit.
That is an odd coincidence.
Will you stop looking
at that, please?
- I thought it was fake.
- It is.
I believe you, Charlie.
Thank you.
I mean,
you wouldn't want to make
a mockery of what's
happening to me, would you?
Of course not.
It's gotta be fake.
Your dick isn't actually
that misshaped, right?
I mean, obviously
somebody used some
A.I. hocus-pocus
and put your face
on some other guy's body with
a weird-shaped wiener.
Right, Charlie?
Right...
I'm just
giving you shit, Chauncey.
It's a delightful dong.
What you got there, babe?
I'm gonna replace
that doorbell battery.
Thank you.
Back the fuck up!
Back the fuck up.
Sit the fuck down!
Sit the fuck down!
- Sit down!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Put your phones on the table!
Now!
It's okay, guys.
Do what they say.
It's gonna be all right.
Evie, Evie, Evie.
It's okay.
Just do what they say.
It's gonna be all right.
Do what they say.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Evie, is it?
You tell your man here
that if he doesn't tell us
where he's hiding
all that money,
everything is most definitely
not gonna be all right.
What are you talking about?
We don't have
any money hidden here.
We saw the video!
Your dumb ass wants to brag.
Now, your dumb ass
gets robbed.
Just tell us
where you keep it.
It's all we want,
and we're gone.
- Video? What video?
- Do not fuck with me!
I am not fucking with you.
You wanna fuck with me?
Just tell us where
the fuck the money is.
He's telling the truth.
We don't have any money here.
I don't give
a fuck what you want.
I want the fucking money!
Okay?
Now, he said
he doesn't trust the banks.
He said it's here somewhere.
So where the fuck is it?
No, that's not true.
I can show you what I mean.
I can show you, all right?
Trust me. Please, please.
You keep
your phone on the table
and don't you even fucking
think about trying.
Where's the money, Clint?
Clinton, where is it?
Where's the money, baby?
Baby, it's not--
it's not here.
See,
he's fucking lying! It's here.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Charlie!
Oh, my God!
Shit.
What the shit.
Fuck.
No, Evie!
Evie, no! No!
What the fuck.
Evie! Look at me!
Look at me!
Shit, shit, shit.
What the fuck
are we gonna do now, Aiden?
This is on you!
This is on you.
You should
have just immediately
told us where
the fucking money is.
What the fuck?
Where'd the other one go?
Fuck.
Fuck....
Shit!
Fuck!
The fuck did she go?
There you are.
What the fuck?
That's a big fucking sword.
Where's
the fucking money?
What is taking so long?
Aiden?
Trevor?
Holy shit, what happened?
Everything's fucked.
Everything's fucked!
What happened?
- One of them got away.
- What?
What happened?
Did you get the money?
- Where's Trevor?
- Please help.
- Please--
- Shut the fuck up.
One of them got away,
out back.
- We're fucked.
- Hey, get your shit together.
Just get out there and
help Trevor fucking find her.
Okay.
What do we have here?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. What the fuck?
Tell me where
the money is,
or your hands go boom.
Please don't do this.
- You got ten seconds.
- Please, please, please,
please don't do this.
Five seconds.
I don't have any money here.
Where's the money?
You gotta believe me.
No, no, no, no, fuck.
Oh, God, no.
No, please!
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck!
What the fuck happened?
Holy shit, holy shit.
I didn't want to kill you.
But you've given me no choice.
Fuck you!
Fuck!
Clint? It's okay.
It's okay, it's okay.
- You fuckin' bitch!
- Laz...
I'll fuckin' kill you,
you fuckin' bitch.
Fuck you!
Laz...
Squeeze the handle.
Yeah, that is neat.
- Hello?
- Nice pants.
- Hey, thanks.
- Think they're smarty?
- Yeah, buddy.
- Do they do fun tricks
when they're drunk
at the party?
- This is real.
- Yeah, I know.
- This is true.
- I agree with it.
It's not real, it's not true,
you're a fucking idiot.
Whoa.
- Some never wake up.
- Eat my, eat my face.
Yeah, buddy.
Chase!
Oh, God.
Oh, harder! Harder, Chase!
Oh, God, Chase.
Chase, that was amazing.
Yeah, you know I got that.
Smile for the camera, baby.
Why would you do this to me?
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.
Man.
I had fun with you
yesterday too.
Yeah. I know.
I know.
Love you too.
Okay.
No, James, stop!
Please! What are you doing?
I'm not stupid.
I'm not stupid.
- You're not stupid.
- You think I'm stupid?
- No, no, no, no, no!
- You think I'm stupid?
- No, no! No!
- Huh?
How many times?
How many times?
- How many times what?
- How many fucking times?
Huh? Fuck! Fuck!
How many fucking times?
How many times?
Huh? Huh?
This.
This is 100,000 times more
powerful than the computer
that was onboard
the space shuttle
that flew to the fuckin' moon.
And we're all just walking
around with one of these
- in our fucking back pockets.
- Yeah, it's neat.
"Neat"?
"Neat"? "Neat" is a dog
that knows how to skateboard.
That's neat. This--
this is the fuckin' bees
to the knees, my man.
You're stalling, Duke.
Our phones can do
what TV shows and movies
used to dream up.
We can open an app, type in
some words, and it'll spit out
something indistinguishable
from real life.
We can turn words
into pictures.
We can turn words into voices.
We can turn words into videos.
We can do that now, Ced.
We all can.
We're all fuckin' nerds now.
The-- the Winslows
have become the Urkels.
And while people might
pretend like they care
if something's true or not,
they don't give a fuck.
If it's plausible enough,
they'll believe it,
especially,
especially if deep down--
If deep down
they wanna believe it,
fuckin' forget about it, man.
People are easy to manipulate.
And let me tell you, Ced...
manipulating them
has never been easier.
And it's never been more fun.
I'm gonna ask you
a really boring question,
but you've got to promise not
to think I'm a boring person.
Shoot.
How do you like
driving an electric car?
Love it.
Smooth ride.
Plug it in at home,
don't think about it.
What do you drive?
Well, when my car
isn't in the shop,
it's an old piece
of shit Chevelle.
Chevelle?
Car ain't a piece of shit.
It's cool as hell. What year?
Well, mine's a piece of shit.
The clutch keeps
going out on me
and the brakes are shit.
It's a '72.
Stick shift, huh?
Look at you.
That's how my daddy taught me.
For-- for the life of me,
never figured it out.
Bet you look
fucking cool driving it.
What's your name?
You saw my name when
I booked the ride. It's Poppy.
Nah, it ain't.
You don't believe me?
You calling me a liar, Tim?
So it's really Poppy?
Like, that's your birth name?
Since the day
I escaped June's hoo-ha.
So you're telling me
your name's Poppy
and you're just sitting back
there sucking on a lollipop?
I'm telling you
my name's Poppy
and I'm sitting back here
sucking on a lollipop.
All right.
Cool.
I dig it.
I like your accent.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I like your face.
Is that right?
Well, it ain't wrong.
So, where are you from?
Sugarland, Texas.
Outside Houston.
Tim from Texas.
So what you doing after
you drop me off, Texas Tim?
Uh, I guess I'll head back
and hope someone else
needs to do the same thing...
Lollipoppy.
No. You're hanging out
with me and my friends.
Oh. Am I?
I think my husband's
gonna like you.
Husband? You didn't say
nothing about a husband.
Well, guess what, Texas Tim?
You're in luck, 'cause
my husband likes to watch.
Likes to watch?
He likes to watch.
He just likes to watch?
Oh, yeah.
And I think he's gonna really
like watching you fuck me.
Is that right?
It ain't wrong.
Ha. Cute.
Yes, I am.
Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
Wait.
So what'd you do last night?
What do you mean?
I just told you.
Well, tell me again.
Chase, what were you doing
the last five minutes
- that I was talking?
- Not paying attention.
Ah, maybe you are
the one with 80-HD.
And maybe
your story is boring.
See, if it was so boring,
then why do you want to
hear it again? Maronna mia.
Maronna mia.
Why do you think
it's called 80-HD?
Are there 80 variations of it?
- What?
- ADHD.
Was it discovered in the '80s?
Honestly, I don't know.
- You being serious?
- Si.
I can't tell if
you're fucking with me.
I'm not!
Okay, you fucking with me, or
are you just fucking retarded?
Oh, I'm being serious!
A-D-H-D. Not eight-zero.
A-D. Attention Deficit
Hyperactive Disorder.
- Okay.
- Fucking dumbass Dago.
I'm not a citizen. I do not
know these kinds of things.
What does that matter?
You lived here long enough.
How are you not a citizen yet?
Ah,
it's complicated.
Wanna talk about it?
No.
Wanna make me a drink?
No.
Fuck you wanna do, then?
Make myself a drink.
This fucking guy.
- Poppy.
- Chase.
- Random guy.
- Uh, name's Tim.
This is Texas Tim.
Tim's good.
All right,
welcome to our rental abode.
I'm Chase. That greasy goombah
over there is Stolleto.
Fuck you!
No, no, not you. You.
Ciao. Santo. Nice to meet you.
Does he know you're married?
She's married.
He knows.
Does Banks know about him?
He does. He'll be here soon.
Banks is coming?
Yeah. You knew this.
- I did?
- You did.
Oh. Cool.
Cool.
Stolleto,
did you know Banks was coming?
He is?
He is.
Oh. Cool.
Cool.
Is that what I think it is?
It's perfect.
The attention to detail, guys.
The-- the battle markings,
the direction of the grain,
it's impeccabile.
What are y'all going on about?
This is an original
Clinto Binto replica
of the Shield of Sadanki.
It's, um,
manga cosplaying ecology.
Basically, Clinto Binto
turns fantasy into reality.
His work is unmatched
when it comes to
authentic cosplay designs.
So y'all do, like,
dress-up as superheroes?
Not exactly how we'd put it,
but yeah, something like that.
All right, I'm gonna go
put my stuff away and tinkle.
- What the hell is this?
- Great question.
I was hoping that you could
shed some light on that.
We all know
there's only two things
that Poppy's
good at doing, no?
Being a bitch
and looking pretty.
- Wow.
- And these day-- listen,
and these days, the filters
and the fillers...
...they do
all the heavy lifting, no?
Yikes!
- That's not very nice.
- Ha-ha, okay.
It is not real.
Where did you get that?
- It was sent to me.
- By who?
It doesn't matter.
- Yes, it does.
- No, it doesn't.
What matters is why the fuck
would you say that about me?
I didn't-- Poppy,
this is not funny.
- Come on.
- I'm not laughing.
Poppy, this is crazy.
Fuck you!
Do not fucking call me crazy.
- Whoa! Poppy, come on.
- Easy!
This is obviously not real.
Please.
- I mean...
- Poppy.
...it's not
obviously not real.
Poppy,
somebody's fucking with me.
What, are you saying
the video's fake?
It's manipulated?
Look,
I'm not saying you're lying,
but, I mean, that's you, so...
It looks like me, yeah,
but it's not! It's not.
Or maybe it is and
they-- they fucked my mouth.
I do not know.
They, uh, fucked your mouth?
- They fucked with my mouth.
- That's not what you said.
Oh, they fucked with my mouth!
This is not real! I do not
know what else to-- to say.
Clearly you've
already said enough.
I'm just saying.
I'm just saying.
Okay,
and I'm also just saying.
Just saying.
Fuck you, Chase!
Wow.
I got you. It's okay.
Apologize.
Yeah!
Shut the fuck up, Chase.
Apologize.
Banks, I did not--
I said apologize.
Do you even know
what we're talking about?
Yes, dipshit.
She sent me the video.
- Now apologize.
- But that video's--
- I said apologize!
- Banks.
- Fine. Jesus, sorry.
- No.
Not to Jesus.
To Poppy.
I'm sorry, Poppy.
Let's move on.
This is bumming me out.
Why did you just apologize?
What?
Why'd you apologize for
something you didn't do?
What-- what?
You said you didn't do it.
But then
you apologized for it?
Yeah,
because you were--
- Because?
- Because I do not feel like
dealing with your shit, okay?
It's fine, Banks. It's fine.
He said he's sorry.
Exactly. He said
he's sorry for something
he said he didn't do.
Am I the only one
that finds that a little odd?
You're the only one
who won't let it go.
I'm sorry,
who the fuck are you?
No apology needed. Name's Tim.
Banky Bear. This is Texas Tim.
This is who
I was texting you about.
He's joining us tonight.
- Oh, lovely.
- I guess I'm the guy
who's gonna fuck your wife
in front of you.
Okay, cowboy.
Saddle the machismo.
Y'all came here
to have a good time, right?
The dude said
something stupid,
said he's sorry,
and your girl's good
to move on, so...
quit piddling around...
and let's fucking party.
Uh, Banks.
Hey,
water under the bridge, yeah?
I just wanted
to get past the bullshit
and have a good time was all.
That's weed.
I don't smoke.
But thanks.
Uh, you from Scotland?
No.
You got family out there?
No.
Is that part
of your cosplay getup?
No.
Time to get in
the time machine.
Coming?
That's the plan,
ain't it?
- Stolleto! Hot tub!
- Maybe later.
All right. I ain't your papa.
So, what's the consensus?
Do we believe him?
Santo?
I hope he'd never
actually say that about me.
Would he actually
be that mean?
I've heard him say worse.
Not about you.
Just in general.
He tries to be Swiss,
but he can be quite
the Machiavellian mozzarella.
- What?
- Do you mind?
Yes, I fucking mind.
This is not your hot tub.
This is our hot tub.
It's not even
his fucking hot tub.
Come on, pal.
Don't make it a thing.
With all due respect, pal,
suck a smegma-smothered dick.
Goddamn it, fine!
Fuck you guys.
Hey, I plan on coming back
and using this,
so don't contaminate it.
Yes, okay, Chase.
I mean it.
What?
Oh,
I didn't say anything.
But you want to.
I see your stupid thin
little lips quivering to talk.
Well... you know,
you did boycott her birthday.
- Huh?
- Poppy's birthday.
- You refused to go.
- No, I did not refuse to go.
- I was working.
- Could've got it off.
No, I couldn't.
No touching.
So because I refused
to go to her birthday because
I could not make it, you think
I was actually talking shit,
even though--
even though I was the one who
recently helped her
pick up her new TV.
Stolleto, you doing a gesture
of momentary kindness
does not mean that you did
not vocally defecate on her.
I helped my geriatric neighbor
bring in her groceries
the other day, despite
the fact that every morning,
I pray to the gods for her
to choke on
her Werther's Original.
Sounds like you're projecting.
Oh, it does?
Is that what it sounds like?
Yes, it does. It clearly
is something that you do,
and so you're accusing me
of doing the same.
Oh, is that what I'm doing?
Chase, keep responding
with a question all you want,
but that does not
change the fact
that you're being
a drunk pezzo di merda
and you can go
fuck the right off.
- Fuckin' A!
- What?
Yeah.
He's watching,
that's the deal.
Yeah, yeah,
but he's-- he's-- he's--
What? What'd you
expect he'd be doing?
Working on his stand-up?
So you don't think
that's weird?
It's what we do.
It'd be weird if
I thought it was weird.
Look at me.
He's watching you,
not the other way around.
- Here's the thing.
- Mado, Chase, let it go.
It just seems like
a convenient alibi.
Fuck this.
I'm gonna go take a shit.
Love me a good protest shit.
Salud!
Ah! Ah!
Whoa! What the fuck, James?
You scared the shit out of me.
You good?
- Um... no.
- What?
What are you saying?
I told her I want to...
Wait, what?
What are you saying?
- I knew it.
- What are you saying?
I fucking knew it!
I know
you fucked her! Fuck you!
Ah, no!
No!
Darling, you're a special
kind of beautiful, but...
That's it?
I don't know what it is.
Could have been something.
Well, it was definitely
something.
Aah!
We're a different
kind of breed.
Yes, you are.
Have fun with that.
What the fuck? Hey!
Hey!
Oh, my God!
Baby! Banks.
Banks!
Baby! Help!
Help!
Oh my God, James! Stop!
No! Stop!
Oh! Whoa!
Fuck!
Stop!
Hey! Stop!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Oh my God, he's fucking dead.
Oh my God, he's dead!
He's dead.
Oh, my God.
Here, here. Here, here!
What the fuck do I do
with Band-Aids?
I don't know,
I'm just trying to help.
He's dead,
Chase is fucking dead.
I was-- I was just
trying to stop James.
Wait, y'all know this fella?
Yeah.
James.
Where's Ali?
They-- They did this.
They-- They did this.
James, where is she?
Is she okay?
They did this!
It's not my fault!
It's not my fault!
They-- They did this!
- Where you going?
- Hey! Hey! Hey!
We've gotta call 9-1-1.
Get your ass back here!
Banks!
- Banks needs help!
- No, no, wait.
Poppy, give me the phone.
Poppy, give me the phone.
- What? Why?
- We cannot call the cops yet.
- Please, give me the phone.
- No, wait. What? Why?
- We have to!
- Okay, but just hang on.
Wait, please. Come on, Poppy.
Banks!
Wait, Poppy, per favore!
Banks!
Poppy, Poppy, per favore.
- Poppy.
- Banks!
Poppy, I need to see the--
the phone, please.
- Poppy. Poppy!
- Banks? Move!
Poppy! Please, stop.
Banks, where are you?
Poppy, I need the phone.
Poppy, come on!
- Please!
- Stoletto, what the fuck?
We have to call the cops.
Okay, but just...
Poppy, they will send me back.
They will send me back.
They will not
let me stay here.
Do you fucking understand?
Can we please be
on the same page
of what we're gonna say
before we call them?
What do you mean?
We have to tell them
exactly what happened.
- No.
- We have to.
No! Poppy,
give me the phone. Poppy!
- Get off me!
- Poppy, give me the phone.
No, Poppy, per favore.
- Give me the phone.
- Fuck you!
Give me back the phone, Poppy!
Give me back that phone.
Give me the phone! Stop that!
No!
Oh!
What the fuck happened?
She-- She's leaped.
- What?
- She's leaped.
Holy shit.
Call 9-1-1, quick!
Hey, hey, Poppy.
Hang in there.
Hang in there.
Hey, hey, hey!
Hang in there.
Dude, just call 9-1-1, quick.
- She's leaved.
- Poppy, hey, hey, hey.
Hang in there. Poppy.
Poppy! Call 9-1-1!
Hey! Hey!
Hey! What the fuck
are you doing?
I was just, I was trying
to get the phone from her,
and she kept on pointing,
and she's leaved.
Hey, hey, hey.
Listen to me, you fuck.
We got a dead body in here,
and we got
another one outside.
You are the fucking
common denominator.
Do not fucking move.
Ah!
No. Hang on.
Hang on, what are you--
Hey, fuck you!
All right, hold on, hold on.
No phone!
Hey!
And not my phone, either.
Have you lost your mind?
And the No Poppy phone.
Are you fucking kidding me
right now?
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
- Oh! No!
- Hey!
Get off of me! Get off of me!
You don't understand!
Banks is fucking psycho!
Yeah, I've picked up on that.
No, no, I'm not talking about
Back to the Future
being psycho.
I'm talking about
Back to the Future Part 2,
a deep psycho.
He's gonna try to kill me.
Probably both of us.
You don't believe me?
- He's already killed someone.
- What?
They ruled it a self-defense,
but the circumstances
were pretty suspicious,
and that guy's deranged.
Cazzo.
Dude, what kind of fucked-up
friend group is this?
You know how there
are some people
that you just know
are capable of murder
and it only takes
that one moment
for them to snap?
- Like you? Like you?
- Cazzo.
Cazzo!
We have to get out of here.
That guy's got PCP
raging through him.
It will not end well for us.
What the heck are you
talking about, PCP?
What do you think
he meant by dust?
I don't know.
I-- I-- I thought
he just meant old weed
he had sitting around.
He did the angel dust,
you fucking idiot!
We have to get out of here
right now!
Trust me on this.
I don't trust you.
How do I know y'all--
y'all aren't in cahoots?
Huh? Huh?
Oh, fuck. Oh, God.
Come on, we've gotta hide.
You're fucking dead!
I'm gonna find you.
You can't hide from me.
Now! What?
What?
I can smell you.
I can smell you,
motherfuckers.
Fuck.
Come on.
I'm gettin' the fuck
out of here.
Unlock it.
- You threw my phone.
- What?
You threw my phone. You--
You-- You threw my phone.
- That's the key to my car.
- What do you mean?
You-- You don't have a key?
- No.
- Well, why not?
Don't you have a key card
or something, too?
- I don't have it on me.
- Why not?
Because I wasn't planning
on someone
throwing my fuckin' phone,
that's why!
- Oh!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Where's your car?
- I did not drive.
- I rode with Chase.
- Okay.
- Where's Chase's car?
- In the garage.
You had to throw my phone.
Is that...
Oh! Found it.
- Whose?
- Mine.
Give it to me.
Unlock it.
Go.
What's my phone
doing out there?
He found it?
- He's watching us.
- Oh, God.
I don't like that.
Where are you?
Where are you,
you son of a bitch.
Banks!
Banks!
What's going on here?
You trying to scare us?
Mission accomplished.
You trying
to do something else?
This is fucking crazy, pal!
What's crazy...
is that Poppy and Chase
are both dead.
Banks. Banks, please.
It-- It was an accident.
I was just trying to--
to-- to stop to James,
and then Poppy and I
were arguing over the phone,
and she sleeped. Please!
Maybe she sleeped.
Maybe you're a fucking liar!
She's dead because of you.
And maybe I'm gonna enjoy
killing you both for it.
Okay, good talk.
Oh, my God.
Oh my God, what do I do here?
What do-- oh!
What do we do, Tim?
Tim! Oh! What do we do?
Tim! I don't know.
Okay,
maybe we should just go--
Oh!
Ooh...
Where you going?
Help!
Hey! Stop!
Okay...
No. Oh, shit.
No, no, no.
That...
was...
awesome.
It's a whole
different ballgame
when you see it
in person, right?
Holy shit.
Holy shit!
Clint!
Uh, Clinto Binto.
Clinto Binto.
I'm at a loss for words.
I-- I-- You have to make
my suit and my gear, man.
You fucking have to.
Oh, my God.
Um...
There's just...
You just gotta work with me
on the price here, man.
You know, come on.
It's a little high,
don't you think?
Brass tacks.
You know why you're here?
I'll tell you why you're here.
I shouldn't have to.
You know why you're here,
but I'll tell you anyway.
You don't want
to just cosplay.
You want to be the character.
Yes, you do. Yes, you do.
I do.
That's why you're here.
Not for some bullshit
foam detail.
Not for a crushed panne cloak.
I don't fuck
with crushed panne.
If the character's weapons
cut, shoot, spin,
they'll do exactly that.
If the design features wood,
you're gonna
get genuine grain.
If a look calls for metal,
well...
consider me Hetfield,
because your ass
is getting fucking metal.
I'll forge it, roll it,
extrude it.
My shit is
the real deal, bucko.
You ain't tiptoeing past TSA
with a Binto in your baggage.
But I don't make shit
for the masses.
I make shit
for the coveted affairs
that you wish you got
invited to,
that you finally
did get invited to.
And when you walk in
looking like
you just went
toe-to-toe with Goku in 8K...
everyone is gonna want
to suck your dick so bad
that you're gonna want to suck
my dick so bad.
- Clint!
- Yes, Evie?
We have talked about this.
Don't say shit like that.
You're creeping him out.
No, I'm not.
- Am I?
- You're not.
- I am not.
- He's just saying that.
Are you just saying that?
No,
I'm not just saying that.
He is not just saying that.
Okay, why would he say
he's just saying that?
- He just said he is not.
- No, dummy.
If he was just saying that,
why would he admit
to just saying that
when you ask him
if he's just saying that?
Yeah, just,
please stop telling people
they're gonna want
to blow you.
Ev, I am simply illustrating
the fact
that my level of devotion
to the craft
will lead to a certain level
of appreciation on his part.
Well, say that,
you goddamn weirdo.
I am so sorry.
He's the best, you know.
Whatever you're gonna have him
cook up for you,
it's gonna be super nummy.
I'm off to the shop.
Don't forget to change
the battery.
Careful, there.
That's one of the strongest
adhesives on the market.
Instant bond.
You get that on your skin,
you are going to regret it.
Okay, so,
my price is my price.
And it needs to be paid
up front, and in full.
You'll get your shit
six to eight months
after my phone goes cha-ching.
Six to eight months?
The House of Binto
has a billowing wait list.
Look, the thing is,
I kinda don't...
have the money
right now, anymore.
- Um, but I'm gonna get it.
- You send, I start.
I'm gonna get you your money.
You gotta believe me, I'm
gonna get it for you, I swear.
You gotta stop telling me
what I gotta do.
Look, I want you looking
as fly as Goldblum
on a Sunday afternoon.
But I gotta get paid.
I gotta.
I gotta.
Fuck you, man!
Fuck you!
You fucking dick!
Don't do me a fucking favor.
Fuck you, man!
I gotta get something
off my chest.
What is up with people
not putting
shopping carts back
where they belong?
I just got back
from the grocery store,
and there were carts,
carelessly abandoned.
Have the decency
to put your carbon
steel companion
in its rightful destination,
nested with its peers.
Banks are a scam...
that the government
has tricked you
into trusting.
That's why I took
all of my money out
of the bank.
I gotta get something
off my chest.
Banks are a scam
that the government has
tricked you into trusting.
Did you know that
they can freeze
and seize your money
at their own will?
That's why I took all
of my money out of the bank.
Why would I want to risk
letting them steal
Hundreds of thousands
of dollars of my money,
when I know it's safe,
right here,
in the House of Binto.
Fuck.
Ced. Hey, man.
Where were you
yesterday?
Hello?
I-- I don't know.
You don't know
where you were?
I...
Hello?
Hello?
Just, I was just dealing
with some shit.
You're always dealing
with some shit, Duke.
I'm sick of your excuses.
I want my money.
- Hello?
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay, yeah, Ced.
Got it. Okay.
Then when
am I getting it?
Hello?
- Hello?
- I-- I don't know.
Soon. Okay, listen.
I-- I gotta go.
Dude, man, I smoked--
Fuck you.
And the bulb didn't shatter?
Nope.
How'd you get it out?
Well, that's a story for
a different time, my friend.
How can I help you?
I'll get a large cold brew,
and um...
well, I guess
a blueberry muffin.
All right,
one large cold brew,
and a blueberry muffin.
That'll be... $10.89.
It's just gonna ask you
a quick question.
Why don't you enlighten me on
what that quick question is?
It's right there on
the screen.
Hmm.
Yes. It is. Isn't it?
Let me get this straight.
You want a tip for... what?
Filling my cup up with coffee?
For doing the correct
mix and ratio
or, uh, handing me
a fucking muffin?
You want the tip
for doing the basic
requirements of your job.
Look, man, I didn't come up
with this system, okay?
Yeah, well, you're more
than happy to benefit
from it, aren't ya? Yeah.
You know, what you do here
is no different than
what they do at Taco Bell.
But you don't-- you don't
throw in an extra Washington
when they're whipping up
your Crunchwrap Supreme,
do ya? No.
You don't.
But you expect me to do
just that for you.
Everything good here, Wayne?
Yeah, man, it's cool.
Look, we don't get paid
enough here, but whatever.
You don't have to tip,
all right?
Oh, I am well aware
of that, Wayne.
What I'd like to know
is why you think
it's okay to guilt me
into paying you extra.
Instead of getting mad at me
for your pay shortcomings,
why don't you get
mad at your employer?
They have somehow
successfully Keyser Soze-d
all of you into thinking
that it's the customer's job
to pick up the fucking slack.
Dude, there's a line
forming behind you.
I need to help
the next customer.
Sorry.
I just had to get
this off my chest.
I feel you.
Don't get me wrong,
I'm gonna tip
because I don't
want to be shamed,
but it's fucking stupid.
It is fucking stupid.
Everyone now
has the gall to spin
that fucking screen around.
You know, you're not even
finished with the transaction,
and you're already
asking for a bonus.
It's bullshit like this
that's going to make us all
not give a fuck when your job
is replaced by robots.
No shame.
No shame.
Fuck's sake, dude,
it's like two bucks.
See? This is what they want.
They're turning us
against each other
so they-- so they can
get away with it.
They?
There's some big conspiracy
of they trying
to get your tip money?
There might be.
They just fucking might be.
Hm.
Hi. I am so sorry
you had to deal with that.
I'm very happy to tip.
My point is you shouldn't be
guilted into doing it.
Dude, country grammar,
zip it.
Your turn's over.
Okay, can I just get
a medium flat white?
Yeah, that'll be $5.59.
Thanks.
Here you go.
Hey, Duke. What's up, man?
Hey, Franco.
So, what's on
the docket today?
Lazzy.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Yeah, I see
where you're coming from
with that, man.
And there's a lot of people
that would agree with you.
Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Hey, Laz.
- Hey, babe.
Thin mint?
Don't have to ask me twice.
Mm.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm.
'Tis the season, huh?
I gotta get me
some caramel delights.
Mm.
What's a caramel delight?
Delights?
You've never had them?
With the caramel drizzle
and the coconut shavings?
Mm. They are
the duck's quack.
You mean Samoans.
You mean Samoas.
And they're not
called that anymore.
They changed the name.
No, not.
What are you talking about,
they changed the name?
I just bought a box last week.
- Of caramel delights?
- Of Samoas.
No, you didn't.
You didn't buy Samoas, Laz?
You couldn't have.
You couldn't have.
I was in Whittier last week.
What were you doing
in Whittier?
Visiting David Shade.
Oh, I hate David Shade.
We all do.
So, before I headed back home,
I stopped at a Ralph's.
And on my way out,
there was this cute little
Asian girl
with the chubbiest cheeks
and one little dimple.
And she was sitting at a table
surrounded by cookie goodness.
So, I handed her my money.
And you know what she did?
I'll tell you what she did.
She handed me
a box of Thin Mints
and a box of Samoas.
And that purple box of Samoas
is currently relaxing on
my kitchen quartz countertop
with about, oh...
four cookies
left for consumption?
Okay, well did you look
at the label on the box?
Does it actually say Samoas
or do you just think
it says Samoas?
I bet--
You know what I bet, Lazzy?
You didn't pay attention.
In fact, I'm certain of it.
Well, you're certainly wrong.
It doesn't say Samoas
because it can't say Samoas
because Samoas don't exist.
You know what you do have?
Caramel delights.
And those delights are delish.
Someone's
a confident cunt today.
Lazarus Beeler.
Find everything you needed?
Mm-hmm.
All right,
that's gonna be $43.57.
Here you go.
Have a nice day.
What was her deal?
Hm. I don't know.
Probably just not
much of a talker.
- You know what's a great
movie? -Hm?
Django Unchained.
It's one of my favs.
Okay.
What, you don't agree?
No, totally. It's top tier.
I just cleared out
this guy's movie collection
at a yard sale.
Got me some tasty finds, Ev.
Tasty finds.
Yeah, you like to have
the actual media, huh?
I am a-okay with streaming.
Give me that sweet,
sweet convenience, baby.
Yeah.
But when you've got
the physical thing,
they can't fuck with it.
All right, Neil deLaz Tyson.
Much as I love being here
when I don't have to be,
I'm going to head out.
I bid you adieu.
Adieu.
- All right, thank you.
- Yeah, you too.
You think you people
can just come around here
and do whatever you want?
How many times
do I have to tell you
that you don't belong here.
You fucking brat!
- What the fuck?
- You're scaring me!
You're a--
Scaring me! Help!
You're scaring me!
I'm gonna call the police!
You fucking evil nigger!
I'm gonna call the police!
Oh, shit. Holy shit.
There's an
African-American man...
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
...standing there
in my fucking building
and he's threatening me!
Holy shit, holy shit.
Get out of here!
Get out of here!
You don't belong here,
you fucking--
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
Oh, fuck. Fuck.
Hi, you've
reached Evie. Sorry...
Fuck.
Ah, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck!
Oh, what the fuck.
I'm freaking out.
I don't know what to do.
This is bonkers.
This is fake, right?
Evie. Wa--
Yes, of course it is.
I have no idea
what's going on.
Wait.
When you say Django is one
of your favorite movies,
can you please elaborate?
Evie, now is not the time.
Oh, no, Laz.
Do you root for Leo?
Evie,
that's not fucking funny.
Okay, okay.
- You're right, you're right.
- Oh my God, oh my God.
How many people
have seen this?
Dude, internet sleuths
are going to blow my shit up.
Don't stress.
It's not real, right?
So, everything's
gonna be fine.
Come over tomorrow
and we'll figure it out.
Beeler?
Beeler.
Okay, I'm going to close up
shop and see you tomorrow.
Sounds good.
Hey. Deep breaths.
Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye, babe.
Fuck.
Hello?
Hello, is someone here?
Oh, shit!
I am so sorry.
Thank God,
you scared the fuck out of me.
Okay.
That is an employee's
only bathroom.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I just--
I was going to piss myself.
Well, I basically did with
this whole back and forth.
- Okay.
- Wait.
Have we met before?
You look real familiar.
Oh, were you at Jay's party?
I'm Nick.
Are you okay?
Look, we're closed.
What?
You have to leave.
The fuck?
You have to leave.
We are closed.
You have to leave.
I'm sorry, aren't you open
for like another hour
or something?
I'm just freaking
out right now
and I just
have to close up the shop
and you have to leave.
Um, okay.
Okay.
Mm-kay.
You have a good night.
Yeah, thank you. You too.
Bitch,
I was not being sincere.
You!
It was you!
It was you!
Okay. It's okay, it's okay.
It was you!
It was you!
It was you!
9-1-1, what's your emergency?
Hi. Yeah, um,
uh, there's a man.
There's a man outside my store
and he's stalking me.
Okay, ma'am, calm down.
Is he threatening you?
Yeah, he-- he yelled at me.
What did he yell?
He said it was, "It was you."
Okay, do you
know what he meant by that?
Do you know this man?
What is he doing now?
I don't know him.
He's-- he's...
He's just standing there
staring at me.
He's staring at you?
Yes, he's staring at me.
It's really fucking creepy.
Can you
please just send someone?
Ma'am, calm down.
Why do you keep saying that?
Ma'am, you need to calm down.
It's not illegal
to stare at someone.
This isn't
just some innocuous stare.
Do you not understand
that I'm scared?
I understand.
No, I don't
think you understand.
There is a man
standing outside
and I think
he wants to kill me.
Why do you think that?
Okay, well...
the thing is...
he's Black.
I'm sorry?
Look, there was a video of me
saying the N-word
a bunch of times online
and-- and I'm scared that
he probably saw it
and that he wants
to hurt me or kill me.
But it's not real, okay?
I-- I didn't say it.
It's not me.
Well, it was me,
but it wasn't actually me.
So there's a video
of you saying the n-word
and you're calling the police
because a Black man
is looking at you
and it's making you nervous.
Look, I know it sounds bad,
but he also yelled at me
and it was really scary.
Can you
please just send someone?
He's...
Ma'am. Hello?
Fuck.
- Ma'am?
- Where'd you go?
Where'd you go?
I'm right here, ma'am.
I know.
He's gone.
The man's gone?
Maybe. I don't know.
I don't see him.
He must be hiding somewhere.
Okay. Well, if he comes back
and actually threatens you,
give us a call back.
What do you mean? You're not
going to send someone?
Ma'am, calm down.
The situation
is not an emergency.
I can transfer you
to the local station
if you'd like
to make a report
and you can call back if he
returns and threatens you.
Are you fucking serious?
I'll be dead by then.
Ma'am,
I'm transferring your call.
Have a good night.
Your call
has been forwarded to an...
God damn it!
...next
available representative.
Please have your--
Fuck.
Shit.
Okay.
It's okay. It's okay.
Hey, are you okay?
Oh my God, I'm so sorry!
Oh, my God.
Holy...
He's threatening me!
And he's trying to come into
my apartment!
That's...
That's pretty fucked up, Duke.
Yeah. Uh... let's see.
I already showed you
this dick.
Uh, let me see. Oh, here.
Look at this chick.
Okay.
- She does porno?
- Nope.
This is a clip from
Put It Where
It Doesn't Belong
starring Charity Sins.
I swapped
Charity's face for hers
and then
one of her friends' face
for the dude porking her.
Sent it to her boyfriend.
What'd she do to you?
Nothing.
- Nothing?
- Mm-mm.
I don't even know her.
You don't know her?
Nope.
No, she's just
fucking annoying.
Her and her friends
are just like...
noise on the--
on the internet, you know?
In a few days,
I'll probably send
an update of her crying
because her boyfriend
dumped her
and, you know, she tries
to make everything a thing.
In the wrong hands,
this technology
can get kind of ruthless.
And that's the thing, Ced.
It's already in
the wrong hands
because it's in our hands.
Shoot!
Reality's about to get
really confusing.
Yeah.
Okay. Um...
If I could just correct course
as to why I'm even here.
I'm assuming, once again,
I'm not looking
at a fat envelope
on this tiny table because...
Fucking.
Fucking.
You know, I shouldn't
have watched Passenger 57
so many times beforehand.
Fucking roulette.
Took all my money.
Took all my money.
But see, that's where I
was going with all this, Ced.
We can use this
to get your money back.
Let me show you.
Look, you can record
your own video,
you can upload one
from the internet,
and then, uh, if you press
this to analyze the voice.
Now, you can
record your own voice
or you could just write
some things on here
and, you know, it'll
analyze the text for you.
If you want
to change somebody's face,
all you have to do is
add one photo here.
One photo.
That's all it fucking takes.
And then it analyzes it.
Boom.
Boom.
Boom. See what I mean?
Fucking easy peasy
to fuck with people.
Just think
about how easy it'll be
to-- to scam 'em or extort 'em
into them
giving you all their money.
Shit, man.
With this technology, I mean,
you could make
someone disappear
without somebody even noticing
until it's way too late.
Bees to
the fucking knees, man.
I'm telling you.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
That shit's fucking strong.
Oh.
Fuck.
You know, the neat part
about this is that...
Franco predicted
you'd come around.
- What?
- Oh, oh, listen.
- Listen.
- Who the fuck is Franco?
Oh, no, no, no.
And why are you
talking to him about me?
Pfft. No, man.
No, no, no, no. It's not--
- it's not what you--
- Is something funny?
No. Ced, listen.
Just listen to me.
- I can explain. I--
- Who the fuck is Franco?
Ced, just relax.
- Does he have my money?
- Listen--
Does he have my fucking money?
Does he?
Does he?
Hand me--
What the fuck, man?
What the fuck, man?
What the fuck, man?
Ced, Ced, Ced, Ced.
I'm gonna get your money, man.
I'm gonna get your money, man.
I'm gonna get your money.
You just did, Duke.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
Ow! Fuck me!
Ah!
- Lazzy?
- That's the rumor.
Everything good?
Huh?
- Hospital.
- Oh.
I was just visiting someone.
They're okay?
Somehow, yes.
Thankfully.
You? You all right?
Feeling
a little yucky, actually.
Yucky, huh?
Yucca Valley?
- Where's that?
- The desert.
- Near Joshua Tree.
- Well, shit.
Yucky girl in the back
and yucca girl up next.
What do you think?
Should I take it?
- Probably a good payday.
- Yeah.
Fuck me.
That's stupid far.
It's kind of weird,
though, right? Like...
yucky and yucca.
Yeah. Could be a sign.
Could be meant to be.
Could be.
Could be a mistake.
Traffic's gonna be a bitch.
Could use the money, though.
Hey, Duke.
What's going on, man?
Fucking Frank.0.
So, you looking just to chat
or is there something
in particular
I can help you out with?
Yeah, uh...
Can you... uh, help me
figure out how to use an app?
Yeah, of course I can, man.
I can't deal with
all this shit, man.
So, I'm going on
an extended vacation.
I can't deal with
all this shit, man.
So, I'm going on
an extended vacation.
Guess I'm a nerd now, Duke.
You do anything productive
while you're out there?
I got some cherries.
The fruit?
- The bombs.
- They still make those?
does.
Wanna blow one out?
Now? Here?
What are you, 12 years old?
Making things go boom is fun.
- Yeah, all right.
- Fuck yeah!
You sure that wick
is long enough?
Do not disrespect
craftsmanship.
- Hello?
- Hey, babe.
I need your help with my app.
Oh, hey, babe. What number
are you calling me from?
My phone died, so I'm
calling from a friend's.
I'm trying to get into
our Insta for the shot,
but it's based on the login.
Why not just do it
when you get back?
I just need to take care
of something real quick.
Boom!
Okay, as a login,
it's our email,
and the password is,
one-exclamation point, don't
forget to capitalize the O.
Oh, that's it, yep.
I forgot to capitalize the O
by accident, for some reason.
Okay, uh... okay, I gotta go,
babe, I'll see you later.
- Bye.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, babe.
How you doing?
Oh, no. Come here.
It's gonna be okay.
Why don't you ring the bell?
Clint's home.
I did. Nothing happened.
Oh, my God.
He didn't change the battery.
No, it's okay.
Just press 5282 on the keypad.
What are you dummies doing?
It was Charlie's idea.
Hey, Abby.
This is the last one.
No, no. What are you,
12 years old?
Snazzy Lazzy!
Stirring up trouble, Tomsy?
Trying.
You look like you could use
a hug. Come here.
Do you realize
how obnoxious this is?
Babe, I tried telling him,
but he wouldn't listen.
How dare you?
You okay?
- Oh, boy.
- I saw this, like,
chicken and rice recipe online
that I kind of want to try.
Ev?
I can't find
the Gargantua Glue.
- Did you put it somewhere?
- I did not.
Did you change the battery
on the doorbell camera?
I did not.
You're on a roll, babe.
I'mma roll your face.
Oh, yeah?
You know what
I'm gonna do to yours?
What's that?
This.
And this.
And this.
Now put your shit away
so I can make dinner.
Laz, we are gonna find out
who did this to you
and we are going to end
their very existence.
Don't you worry.
You talk to the cops?
Yeah, I kind of had to.
What happened to...
No! Oh!
How's that guy doing?
Surprisingly alright.
All things considered.
- Thank goodness.
- Ooh.
What?
Nunya.
Pendejo.
- I'm gonna make water.
- Gross.
On that note,
I'm gonna get more wine.
- Do you want some?
- Babe, I would love some.
Laz, what's wrong?
Babe?
What the fuck?
Who's out there?
Charlie, get in here!
There's no one there.
It was probably
just some homeless person
cracked out on something.
Our neighbors had
a similar situation recently.
It's okay, babe.
It's nothing to worry about.
What's with the yelling?
What happened?
Somebody tried to get
in the house.
What?
Uh, Charlie?
I think you tried to DM
a bit of your baloney pony
to some dude
and accidentally posted it.
You just scored
a golden ticket
to Charlie
and the Fuck Factory.
Enjoy your stay.
What? That's...
on my profile right now?
What the fuck?
- Delete. Delete.
- Wow.
The fuck, Charlie?
Were you wanking it
in our bathroom?
Don't wank it in
our bathroom, Charlie.
I must have--
I must have been...
I must have been hacked.
That is obviously a deepfake.
That's not me.
Oh, fuck, yeah.
Oh, what, you have something
you wanna say, Laz?
Perhaps the N-word
a few more times?
Wow. Way to false equate.
- Nice try, Charlie.
- Oh, I see.
Okay, so you want
everyone to believe
that you weren't
around town,
but you don't believe me.
I don't understand
what's the big deal, anyway.
Aren't you guys always passing
your dicks around
to each other?
Your dad follows my account,.
Charlie, that's my bathroom.
It does kind of look like it.
No, no,
it doesn't look like it.
It is it.
And you're wearing
the same outfit.
That is an odd coincidence.
Will you stop looking
at that, please?
- I thought it was fake.
- It is.
I believe you, Charlie.
Thank you.
I mean,
you wouldn't want to make
a mockery of what's
happening to me, would you?
Of course not.
It's gotta be fake.
Your dick isn't actually
that misshaped, right?
I mean, obviously
somebody used some
A.I. hocus-pocus
and put your face
on some other guy's body with
a weird-shaped wiener.
Right, Charlie?
Right...
I'm just
giving you shit, Chauncey.
It's a delightful dong.
What you got there, babe?
I'm gonna replace
that doorbell battery.
Thank you.
Back the fuck up!
Back the fuck up.
Sit the fuck down!
Sit the fuck down!
- Sit down!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Put your phones on the table!
Now!
It's okay, guys.
Do what they say.
It's gonna be all right.
Evie, Evie, Evie.
It's okay.
Just do what they say.
It's gonna be all right.
Do what they say.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Evie, is it?
You tell your man here
that if he doesn't tell us
where he's hiding
all that money,
everything is most definitely
not gonna be all right.
What are you talking about?
We don't have
any money hidden here.
We saw the video!
Your dumb ass wants to brag.
Now, your dumb ass
gets robbed.
Just tell us
where you keep it.
It's all we want,
and we're gone.
- Video? What video?
- Do not fuck with me!
I am not fucking with you.
You wanna fuck with me?
Just tell us where
the fuck the money is.
He's telling the truth.
We don't have any money here.
I don't give
a fuck what you want.
I want the fucking money!
Okay?
Now, he said
he doesn't trust the banks.
He said it's here somewhere.
So where the fuck is it?
No, that's not true.
I can show you what I mean.
I can show you, all right?
Trust me. Please, please.
You keep
your phone on the table
and don't you even fucking
think about trying.
Where's the money, Clint?
Clinton, where is it?
Where's the money, baby?
Baby, it's not--
it's not here.
See,
he's fucking lying! It's here.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Charlie!
Oh, my God!
Shit.
What the shit.
Fuck.
No, Evie!
Evie, no! No!
What the fuck.
Evie! Look at me!
Look at me!
Shit, shit, shit.
What the fuck
are we gonna do now, Aiden?
This is on you!
This is on you.
You should
have just immediately
told us where
the fucking money is.
What the fuck?
Where'd the other one go?
Fuck.
Fuck....
Shit!
Fuck!
The fuck did she go?
There you are.
What the fuck?
That's a big fucking sword.
Where's
the fucking money?
What is taking so long?
Aiden?
Trevor?
Holy shit, what happened?
Everything's fucked.
Everything's fucked!
What happened?
- One of them got away.
- What?
What happened?
Did you get the money?
- Where's Trevor?
- Please help.
- Please--
- Shut the fuck up.
One of them got away,
out back.
- We're fucked.
- Hey, get your shit together.
Just get out there and
help Trevor fucking find her.
Okay.
What do we have here?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. What the fuck?
Tell me where
the money is,
or your hands go boom.
Please don't do this.
- You got ten seconds.
- Please, please, please,
please don't do this.
Five seconds.
I don't have any money here.
Where's the money?
You gotta believe me.
No, no, no, no, fuck.
Oh, God, no.
No, please!
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck!
What the fuck happened?
Holy shit, holy shit.
I didn't want to kill you.
But you've given me no choice.
Fuck you!
Fuck!
Clint? It's okay.
It's okay, it's okay.
- You fuckin' bitch!
- Laz...
I'll fuckin' kill you,
you fuckin' bitch.
Fuck you!
Laz...
Squeeze the handle.
Yeah, that is neat.
- Hello?
- Nice pants.
- Hey, thanks.
- Think they're smarty?
- Yeah, buddy.
- Do they do fun tricks
when they're drunk
at the party?
- This is real.
- Yeah, I know.
- This is true.
- I agree with it.
It's not real, it's not true,
you're a fucking idiot.
Whoa.
- Some never wake up.
- Eat my, eat my face.