April Fool's Day (1986) Movie Script
- Go! Go!
- Oh, um...
Hi... My name is
Mary O'Reilly O'Toole O'Shea and...
Don't be nervous.
Somewhere out there
is the island my friend Muffy owns.
It's spring break and she's invited us
over there for the weekend.
We're waiting for the ferry
to take us there.
- Yes?
- I don't know what else to say.
Why don't you tell us
something about yourself?
- All right. Something about myself.
- Yeah.
I want to work
with handicapped children.
My parents are my best friends.
And I start convent school
next semester.
And I fuck on the first date.
April Fool!
Nikki, baby, you're outrageous!
Now get out of here, knucklehead.
All right, try Kit.
- How about you?
- I pass.
- Arch?
- Skip.
Where are you?
- Come on, help me out.
- Yeah...
Yeah, sure.
I fuck on the first date.
We did on the first date.
Didn't we, honey? He's an animal.
- Need any help down there?
- No, Clara, thanks.
I'm just straightening up. I don't
think I've worked so hard in my life!
Sure you don't want me to stay?
There'll be nobody to help
till the ferry on Monday.
No. Clara, you're a peach.
This one's mine.
I told my father I'd do it
and I will, my way.
We don't want him to have any excuses.
All right, then. Have a nice party.
Nice? It's going to be better than nice.
It's going to be bloody unforgettable!
Good luck!
Here comes the ferry.
- Is this the ferry to the St John house?
- Yeah, any second now.
Good! I didn't know if this was right.
- Let me help you. Kit Graham.
- Nan Youngblood.
That's Nikki Brashears.
Are you planning on staying a while?
No, it's just some work for finals
when we get back.
- You don't know how far behind I am.
- Hi! I got it.
Hi. Arch Cummings. I've seen you.
Jewett Hall, right?
Chaz Vyshinsky.
You've got great legs.
Chaz, Arch already has her bags.
I only met Muffy this term.
In Drama Society.
I volunteered to do their costumes.
I like to sew.
- Did you see her in "Ghosts"?
- No.
She was wonderful.
She's so talented.
Yeah, she is.
Guy, your fly is open and your
Hostess Twinkie is hanging out.
- Come on if you're coming!
- We're still waiting for someone.
This is my last run of the week.
I don't get paid overtime.
But this is the only way over.
If he misses this one, how is he...
Wait up!
Go! Go! Go!
Sorry, guys. Nik, Chaz, hi.
Rob Ferris.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi. Harvey "Hal" Edison Jr.
Call me Hal.
Only my folks call me Harve
and I can't stand it.
- Sure is pretty here, isn't it?
- You're friends with Muffy St John?
Sure am.
We sit together in Econ 3.45.
I let her copy
my marginal utility curves.
- Oh, I get it. That's a joke.
- Harve.
Hal... Springsteen! Still the boss!
Let's go. We don't have all day.
- You all buddies?
- Except for Skip and Nan.
- Them we just met.
- But we will be.
Careful, though. Skip is Muffy's cousin.
- No kidding!
- Distant. Over the horizon.
Otherwise
I wouldn't have been invited.
- She doesn't mix family with friends.
- True, as long as I've known her.
To protect her family, I guess.
No, to keep her friends.
- Choose your weapons, big guy.
- What's this?
- You up for a game of Stretch?
- OK.
- Skip, your fly's open.
- Eat it!
Ah, Rob!
Your fly is open.
OK, don't believe me.
Oh, nice.
We're off.
Bye.
First round, the Champ!
You know what I find amazing?
Muffy's her real name.
I'm Harvey, but they call me Hal.
Muffy must stand for something. Muffin?
Muff-child, Moffo the Muffster,
Muffin' Stuff...
Muff dive.
- Hi, what are you reading?
- Milton's "Paradise Lost".
For Professor Russo's course
on English Epic.
- It's a shame. It's a dying form.
- Dying.
Not many people read it nowadays,
even in college.
Really?
- What about you?
- Oh, er...
"Treasure Island: The History
of Pornography in America".
I don't have the perks
of you private college kids.
Don't give me that.
I'm hoping to interview with her
daddy's company before graduation.
He's worth more than 50 million
over the counter.
But I don't think
that's why she invited me, do you?
We're not going to be sheltered
college kids our whole life.
Wake up!
Smell the bacon, Nan!
It's research I can do all on my own.
And this is the best part:
I never get tired of it.
You want to take a look?
- Bruce's car was in the shop.
- That's not my point.
Oh, my God.
We're going to spend a weekend there?
- Are you a wimp?
- I'm not interested any more.
Come on! One more.
Double or nothing.
Enough's enough.
- What? Are you scared?
- Hey, I said give it a rest.
Oh, fuck!
I'll get him! I'll get him!
Where is he?
All right! What you're looking for?
We got them! We got them!
Did we nail them?
Ha ha ha. April Fool's. Very funny.
What's wrong with you?
Somebody could have got hurt.
At least we don't go in
for this shoe-lace-is-untied crap.
You know that.
That was great! Shit!
OK, Buck, come on out.
I'm going to need some help.
I'll just do it from here.
Throw me a line.
- This one?
- That's the one. That'll work.
Thank you.
- Some hero you were.
- I took off my jacket and shoes.
- There were three guys in the water.
- Chaz, I'm only kidding.
- Nikki, can we borrow your towel?
- Yeah.
Hey, you guys have got to admit,
it was a hell of a trick.
- I loved it.
- Animal!
Buck! Look out!
Calm him down!
Calm him down!
I've got to get him to a doctor.
- Cal!
- Get in the boat!
- Cal!
- Get in the boat!
They did it! They did it!
What's going on?
Sam, what happened?
Tricks. Pranks.
Ask your friends.
- Is your dad around?
- No, he's in Sutton Place. Why?
- You haven't heard from him?
- No.
I need to borrow your boat
to get back to shore.
All the keys are in the kitchen,
but I think there's an extra one
under the cushion there.
Look, you people, stay put,
all of you.
If anything else happens,
I want to know
just where to find you.
Skip, it's not your fault.
It was an accident. You didn't know.
Sure.
Did you see his face?
Muffy. Nothing bad ever happens to her.
- There's a lot to be done here.
- You sound as if you own it.
I will, if all goes well.
Next month when I turn 21,
it's my first stage inheritance.
- First stage? What's your second?
- Texas.
You may be talking
to your future boss, Harve.
Nikki, burn my bags, baby!
I am home!
Oh, yeah!
I could get really used to this.
We spent all our summers here
before my mother died.
- It's very special to me.
- It's like a dream.
On a clear day,
you can see the Kennedys.
Wow!
You guys, look at this!
Oh, Muffers,
our very own place settings!
With our very own place cards
and here's our own little dolly!
- It's just like an Agatha Christie.
- And sporks!
- Sporks?
- And napkins with bunnies on them.
- Muffy, you spared no expense.
- How do you think Dad made money?
The old fashioned way.
He inherited it.
I used to have all her outfits.
Hold it! Don't anybody move!
But before this night is over,
somebody in this room...
...will pull his wang.
"My first experience was:
A) Painful and degrading;"
"B) Not so hot,
but I really cared about him;"
"C) I was ready to try again
or D)"
"Wildly exciting. I had an orgasm."
A and part of B.
A and B: "Painful and degrading; not
so hot, but I really cared about him."
That's so sweet.
I'll take B.
"Not so hot, but I really cared
about him." Was it Rob?
- No, it wasn't Rob.
- What about you, Nikki?
A and D: "Painful and degrading.
Wildly exciting. I had an orgasm."
Anyway, "The one thing I haven't tried
yet but am intensely curious about is:"
"A) Oral sex;"
"B) Anal entry;"
"C) S&M;
D) Group sex;"
"E) Lesbian sex;"
"or F) All of the above."
What was C?
Hi, my name is
Mary O'Toole O'Reilly O'Shea.
I want to go to convent school,
and things like that.
Welcome.
Welcome to my home
and "Lifestyles of the Rich
and Undeserving".
My name's Arch Cummings
and I'm on a mission here
to bed as many women
as humanly possible.
Nan's out, to be honest.
She likes the theatre...
You know what I'm saying.
She's out in the first round.
A poor boy can say,
"Fuck you, Dad."
"I'm my own person."
What's his father going to do?
Kick him out?
Disinherit him?
His life won't have changed much.
He's got nothing to lose.
His father's love.
That was lost a long, long time ago.
Skip, blaming yourself
won't make Buck any better.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Muffy, you sure know how to make
a guy look forward to... dessert.
Please God, let it be ding dongs.
St John hospitality,
taken to the extreme.
It's real friendly.
Makes me feel at home.
How are we going to feel
after these beans?
You guys!
Nan, do you want some beans?
- I wonder how Buck's doing.
- Should we call?
- I'll call later.
- I'm sure he's getting the best care.
Let's change the subject.
Well...
Harve's got his job interview
all figured out.
What about the rest of us? Anyone know
what they're doing after graduation?
- Good choice, Arch.
- This is incredible.
Here we are, privileged, independent,
the hope for the future.
Not one of us knows
what we're doing with our lives.
- Rob knows.
- Kit, come on.
- He's going to medical school.
- You got early acceptance?
- Let's talk some other time.
- But you've met your counsellor.
I don't think
he wants to talk about it.
- No, no, I don't mind.
- We're all friends here, right?
Sort of.
He said to forget it.
He said that my grades might be OK,
but basically I possess
an essential lack of seriousness.
- And that's what they look for.
- That's what my guy said.
I said you've got to be kidding.
How can anyone be serious
when some moron can push a button
and nuke us all
until our shadows glow?
He wasn't impressed with that...
Oh, what's this?
Dom Perignon sparkling ros?
- Smells like Ripple.
- Outdone yourself again, St John.
Can I make a toast?
Well...
Someone once said to me to cherish
the friends you make in college.
I try to cherish
all the friends I make.
- Stop it!
- Because...
Because they'll be the friends you
cherish most for the rest of your life.
So, well, here's to us.
And here's to my life,
because I'm very glad to be here
and to be a part of all of you.
Muffy, anything you want to add?
- Why me?
- Because you're the hostess.
OK.
In his "Life of Johnson",
James Boswell said,
"We cannot predict the precise moment
when friendships are formed."
"As in filling a vessel
drop by drop,"
"there is at last one
which makes it run over..."
"...so in a series..."
"...so in a series of kindnesses,"
"there is at last one
which makes the heart run over."
So, with this toast,
may our hearts run over
and our friendships be formed.
- All right.
- Cheers!
- Going down!
- OK.
All over myself!
Muffy!
April Fool!
- Wow! Is this the bridal suite?
- You like it?
- I thought you needed the room.
- I'll find a use for it.
Muffy?
I know you and Arch had something
going before I met him.
Arch is sweet,
but he only has two expressions:
- Collar up and collar down.
- Yeah, I found that out.
I guess what I'm trying to say now is...
You always get there first,
but Chaz is mine, OK?
- What about Hal?
- Harvey? Mr Junior Achievement?
Oh, please!
Yuck!
Don't try to tell me you hadn't
thought of me in that way, Muffy.
Why, I felt a spark between us the
first time we laid eyes on each other
in Econ 3.45.
Just think of it, Muffy.
With my... my talent
and your...
...money. No.
All right.
We're going to have some privacy.
You've got to be kidding.
Unless Muffy knows something about us
we don't.
- Hold me, big fella! Hold me!
- Just holster it, cowboy!
Let's play "Hide the Sausage".
Pick it up!
Hold me like a man
can hold another man!
Why, just think of it, Muffers.
With my raw, driving talent...
...and your...
...your...
Wrong room.
Shit.
Come on!
Rob?
Are you still angry with me?
About dinner?
No.
I'm sorry. I'm not angry at you.
I'm just...
...just angry.
Jesus!
Very funny.
Muffy!
Arch!
Hi, Muff! Hi.
Do you know what time it is, love?
Goodnight.
Real funny, you guys!
Better ride than you could give me.
Hello?
Shit.
Who's there?
Fuck! Jesus Christ!
Fucking cat!
Oh, God.
Morning.
...a nightmare about Buck
and I don't know...
Good morning.
I was just hungry.
I must look a mess.
- Morning, Muff.
- I forgot to get dressed.
- So who made her night?
- I don't know.
- Where's Skip?
- That depends what he's on.
- You guys have got to be kidding.
- Have fun.
Hey, Nan, what about it?
Come on.
No, thanks.
Besides, I thought I'd wait
to see what Muffy wanted to do.
Chaz comes down...
He comes down with it...
That's my bad knee!
I've got Nikki, you get the ball.
I'm covering Nikki.
I've got her.
- She's covered.
- Harvey, Harvey!
Good one, Harve!
Good one!
Hey, Rob, what's wrong?
I'm just thinking...
...about that meeting
I had with my advisor.
- I feel like I'm going nowhere.
- He only said you weren't serious.
Kit, maybe it's crazy
you investing so much energy in me.
Sure, you feel this way about me now.
What about when I'm a TV repairman
- and all those other guys are...
- Rob, you're right.
I know. I told you. I'm right.
- You're right.
- I know. I'm right. I said I'm right.
- There's no question.
- I'm right.
You're a jerk.
Oh, God! I am.
Come here, baby.
Skip, you son-of-a-bitch!
Skip!
Respectable Quaker couple
returning from an afternoon
of non-violent sex.
- So how was it?
- Where's Skip? Anybody seen him?
- Who wants to know?
- Damn it, give me a straight answer!
We saw him at the boat house,
drifting in a boat.
He wasn't moving.
He looked dead, unless he was joking.
- If it was Skip...
- I saw his face.
Look, has anybody seen him
since last night?
Jesus Christ!
- We'll look for him. Come on.
- I'm coming, too.
What's happening?
Is something wrong?
Skip! Hey, arsehole!
- Hey, Skip!
- Wait a minute.
Look at this.
Skip's knife.
Think it was that guy on the ferry?
I don't know.
I don't know what to think.
I say we look for them.
One of them's got to be around.
- You mean split up?
- Yeah.
No sucker's taking me yet.
I know why you're avoiding me.
This is your idea of a joke.
That's why you invited me here,
isn't it?
How did you find out?
From his preppy friends?
I don't know
what you're talking about.
You mean the tape just got there?
Just appeared?
You know, I thought you wanted
to be friends.
Skip!
Skip?
Skip?
Any sign of Skip?
No luck here.
- Where's Arch?
- He was with you.
- Shit! That's it!
- I don't like this.
- I definitely don't think I like this.
- It's time to call the police.
8248. Constable Potter
has an office at his home.
Who wants tea?
Lt'll relax our nerves.
Is she kidding?
I didn't know what kind anybody
would like so I brought them all.
Here, let me help you.
I'll get some water.
- Has he reached the constable?
- We haven't reached the mainland yet.
Oh, the main.
- It's probably broken.
- There's no water?
- What's happening?
- There's no water!
It happens sometimes.
But there's still the well.
I'll go. Point me in the right direction.
Not without me.
I'm not worried...
...about those two.
Skip and Art.
They're probably playing
some kind of stupid trick.
Yeah. Probably.
Is that it?
When she said well,
she really meant well.
Who dug this? Pocahontas?
Let me do that. I've probably
had more experience than you.
You mean back home on the farm?
I know you think I'm a hick, but I'd
like to change your mind about that.
Why?
Because I would really like
to plough your field.
Draw me some water.
- Oh, crap!
- What happened?
- I lost the bucket.
- Harve.
Hal! The rope was rotten.
Any fool could have seen that.
- You didn't.
- Would you shine the light down there.
- Nice going.
- So I spazzed out. Now we're even.
What do we do now?
- Look, there are rungs down the side.
- So?
- So get a move on.
- Are you crazy?
I don't relish the idea
of a weekend without water.
Well, I'm not going down there.
OK, fine.
- Wait! What are you doing?
- What does it look like?
I don't think you ought to do this.
Nikki...
Harvey, I'm a big girl now.
I can handle
a few spiders and frogs.
Be careful down there.
Watch what you're doing.
Watch what I'm doing? That's
a hot one! I can barely see a thing.
Well just...
just watch out anyway, OK?
Just be careful.
Nikki!
Nikki! Nikki! Hey, answer me!
I'm fine. I'm fine.
Nikki! Nikki!
Answer me!
Nikki!
Help! Nikki!
Nikki! Answer me!
Help! Rob, Kit! Help!
Nikki, damn it, answer me!
Shit!
Oh, my God!
Come on!
Come on, reach!
Damn it, come on!
It's OK now.
With the others, they were outside,
but we're inside, so we're safe.
It's because of what happened
on the ferry, isn't it?
It was an accident.
Christ, don't they know that?
Muffy, where do you keep your guns?
Guns?
We don't keep guns in this house.
- Here.
- God, not the water!
- It's all right. It's Perrier.
- Here.
Hello.
Constable Potter, you've got to help us.
Arch, Skip and Nan...
Wait a minute.
What are you talking about?
That ain't possible.
I'm at the hospital right now
visiting Buck.
With Muffy?
What are you saying?
Yeah, all right.
Just please, please get here, OK?
He's on his way.
He wants us to wait here
and stay together.
- And the ferryman?
- Wasn't him.
- They've been together all day.
- What?
- I don't understand.
- I don't, either.
He'll send up a flare
when he's nearing the dock.
Then we go down as a group
to meet him there.
In the meantime, we just wait here.
It's my father's study.
I just came in to make sure
everything was secure.
I had to lock those windows.
Good idea.
Sometimes, with the tides,
it could take all night
to get here from the mainland.
Even then, sometimes...
they don't make it.
Yeah.
What is taking him so long?
Maybe it's the tides.
Wait. Aren't we supposed
to stay together?
What about Rob and Muffy?
- Rob's out back checking the doors.
- What about Muffy?
- She's acting abnormal.
- What do you mean?
- You haven't noticed?
- Who isn't?
- Those nurse's shoes.
- What?
The clodhoppers she's been wearing.
Crpe soles?
She was arguing with Nan in the hall
before you and Rob came back alone
from the woods.
About something Nan found in her room.
Something...
- What?
- Something about an abortion.
I found something in my room, too.
But I don't think
it was intended for me.
- Really?
- Oh, fuck you, Chaz.
- What did you find?
- I didn't find anything.
We're supposed to believe that?
That's right. I spent the night
with Nikki. What about you?
- What about me?
- What's your secret?
- I don't know what you mean.
- I came into your room last night.
It was like your arse was on fire.
Nothing! Just some clippings
of some car accidents.
- Nothing personal in that?
- No! Who hasn't had a car accident?
- I haven't.
- Oh, knock it off, Chaz!
How did Muffy find this out
and why...
Stop it! Just stop it, you guys!
What's wrong with us?
What happened to our talk
about friendship and undying loyalty?
Do you know what we're saying?
We're discussing the possibility
that Muffy, a good friend of ours,
has invited us here this weekend to...
I'm going upstairs.
Muffy, we should all stay together.
This is my home!
I'll be in my room.
She has a point. We're starting
to get on each other's nerves.
As long as we all stay within
shouting distance of each other.
Are you coming?
- I'm going up to the attic.
- Why?
I can probably see the constable
better from there.
It's all right.
I can keep watch on the stairs.
- Nikki, come on!
- "Nikki, come on!"
Don't give me
any of this "Nikki, come on".
- What are you doing?
- What does it look like?
Look, stay if you like.
Lock your door, dig a trench, hang out.
But once I leave this place,
I'm never coming back.
- We're supposed to stay together.
- That's been real effective.
What are you going to do?
Waltz down to the pier by yourself?
Check your bags with the porter and
wait for a stray liner to pick you up?
I can't stay here any more.
What if the constable never shows?
I'll swim to the mainland if I have to.
OK, you relax.
Three people are dead
and you tell me to relax.
Nikki, wait a minute. Look at me.
Nikki, look at me!
Now, I know you've been through a lot.
We've all been through a lot.
Am I nervous? Yes.
Am I scared? Yes.
But am I running around
like a headless chicken?
- Nice image.
- No!
I mean...
You've got to lighten up a little bit.
Come on.
Would the birdman of S&M worry?
Very funny, Chaz.
Look at the bright side.
Everything's going to be OK.
Would you take that thing off?
OK, OK. Ah! How about this one?
- You are such a jerk.
- This is turning you on, I can tell.
Kiss me, you savage she-devil!
Get away from me!
Ooh, some more!
I love it when you're rough.
Of course, it would help
if I could breathe in here.
Nikki?
Come and get it!
Nikki?
Oh, very subtle, Chaz.
What am I supposed to do? Just throw
off my clothes and jump on top of you?
Just wind her up and watch her go!
You have a lot to learn, buddy.
Is this show and tell? You show me
yours and then I show you mine?
Forget it!
You can take that thing and shove it
right back in your pants, kiddo.
Chaz...
Chaz!
Oh, come on, Chaz.
Just say something.
No one's been up here in years.
- Do you see him?
- No.
He must not have a light on his boat.
Or maybe he's chosen not to use it.
Kit, he said something else
about Muffy, on the phone.
What?
He said not to trust anyone.
No one was to be left alone
with anyone else.
And he said especially not with Muffy.
- What did he mean?
- He wouldn't explain.
- That's ridiculous.
- Is it?
He's known her a lot longer
than we have.
Wait, wait, Rob.
What's that?
Just the dolls.
- Rob, she's been up here.
- So?
Rob!
Jesus!
- Rob!
- It's Arch, Skip and Nan.
What are the two over there?
He's here. Come on.
Harvey!
Nikki!
Nikki!
Harvey!
Harvey!
- Rob!
- I can't find Harvey.
I can't find anyone.
Nikki's door is locked.
Rob, it was locked.
- What about Muffy?
- Forget her!
She's my friend! Muffy!
Muffy!
Muffy, open the door!
Come on!
Constable Potter?
Constable Potter?
Constable Potter?
Hey, wait, Rob. Don't go in there.
If there's another flare, we can signal.
Maybe he already went back
up to the house.
- Shit, there's no key.
- Oh, damn!
Wait, wait, Rob.
"State Hospital.
Pursuant to our last letters,"
"be advised that the patient
has still not been found"
"and is now believed to be attempting
to return to her home."
"If encountered, exercise caution
and notify us immediately"
"as Miss St John has been
a patient here for three years"
"and is considered
extremely dangerous."
Miss St John? Muffy hasn't been
in an institution for three years.
She's been at Vassar.
- We've got to get this boat started.
- How?
The house. Didn't Muffy say
there was a key in the kitchen?
Rob, I can't go back there.
I can't.
Kit, we've got no choice.
We've got to go back.
Rob, look. The doors.
They've been closed.
There.
That's how we're going in.
Here, hold this.
Where are the stairs?
What's that?
Rob, look.
- Oh, my God! It's Muffy's clothes!
- I don't get it.
- Whoa!
- What?
- What's that?
- I don't know.
Oh, my God!
The picture of the girls
in the study,
that letter,
and what the constable
was trying to tell you!
It's not Muffy! It's Buffy!
She's got a twin sister!
Rob, don't you see? Rob!
Oh, my God!
Pull it away.
- Rob, I can't...
- Pull it away!
- The boat key? It's got to be here.
- Where is it?
The wall! The key board?
Jesus! Look in the cupboards!
I can't find it!
Damn it! Where is it?
Kit!
Let me out, Kit!
No!
Rob!
Buffy!
Run, Kit, run!
Please, just leave us alone, OK?
Please, we're just going to go home.
Enough!
- Stop!
- Babe!
Please just let us leave.
Buffy, you can stop now.
Stop!
No, Buffy, no!
- I love you, Kit!
- Please...
No. Please, just leave us alone!
Please. Just let us go, please.
No!
No! No!
Oh, ha ha! Ha ha ha!
That's really funny, you guys!
Really funny! Fuck you!
Kit, I love you!
Kit! I love you!
I love you, too, babe.
April Fool!
You guys are so terrific.
I love you all.
I want to thank you
for being such good sports.
Oh yeah, sure.
Quite welcome. Any time.
Rob, you and Kit,
you two were the best.
You figured it all out.
The clues. They really worked.
- What clues?
- What's this all about?
Don't anyone say April Fool's
or I'll rip them apart.
April Fool.
It's a script for a weekend special.
It's going to help me keep the house.
Next month I get the house as part
of my mother's inheritance. It's true.
But only if I could show my father
it could carry itself,
what with taxes and expenses.
Otherwise, he would sell it.
So I decided to turn it
into a country inn.
But not just a stuffy old,
run-of-the-mill country inn.
One that specialises in offering
a once-in-a-lifetime
whodunnit weekend.
I needed a rehearsal.
I had to try my idea out on somebody.
- You all had a part in this?
- Don't look at me.
We got sucked in as badly as you.
Once you were all killed off, yes.
But everybody had to co-operate
or none of it would have worked.
So I guess
there's no twin sister, Buffy?
There is a crazy twin,
but his name isn't Buffy.
- His name?
- Skip?
- He's your brother?
- You bastard! You were in on it!
Muffy only told me
to pull the prank on the ferry.
I had no idea
what would happen to Buck.
Buck Williams,
make-up artist par excellence.
I've got something for you, big guy.
Here, catch!
These were just old props
that I redressed.
- Sure fooled me.
- I take it this isn't the constable.
Kit Graham,
meet my uncle, Frank St John,
of St John et Frres, Wall Street.
Hi. Harvey "Hal" Edison Jr.
Pleased to meet you, sir.
How did I do?
I've never done no acting before.
I was really shaking!
Cal is our regular ferryman
between the mainland and the islands.
But I thought he was
up to the dramatic challenge.
Muff, you were so lucky.
You could have been killed.
Well, I nearly did with Harve
over there.
And who could have known
about the snake with Arch?
But the paying guests
will know what they're in for
and the scenario
won't be so extreme.
I do regret some of the fake clues
that I put into the bedrooms
were taken a bit too seriously,
and I'm sorry about that.
But we had fun, didn't we?
Come on!
I'll never forget this weekend
as long as I live.
You're telling me. In the woods,
I nearly crapped my pants!
What do you mean, nearly?
I was there, remember?
Arch, you browned your trousers?
Well, you know, I was...
It's all right, Arch.
They'll be out of the dryer soon.
Come here, you maniac.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, sorry!
April Fool!
- Oh, um...
Hi... My name is
Mary O'Reilly O'Toole O'Shea and...
Don't be nervous.
Somewhere out there
is the island my friend Muffy owns.
It's spring break and she's invited us
over there for the weekend.
We're waiting for the ferry
to take us there.
- Yes?
- I don't know what else to say.
Why don't you tell us
something about yourself?
- All right. Something about myself.
- Yeah.
I want to work
with handicapped children.
My parents are my best friends.
And I start convent school
next semester.
And I fuck on the first date.
April Fool!
Nikki, baby, you're outrageous!
Now get out of here, knucklehead.
All right, try Kit.
- How about you?
- I pass.
- Arch?
- Skip.
Where are you?
- Come on, help me out.
- Yeah...
Yeah, sure.
I fuck on the first date.
We did on the first date.
Didn't we, honey? He's an animal.
- Need any help down there?
- No, Clara, thanks.
I'm just straightening up. I don't
think I've worked so hard in my life!
Sure you don't want me to stay?
There'll be nobody to help
till the ferry on Monday.
No. Clara, you're a peach.
This one's mine.
I told my father I'd do it
and I will, my way.
We don't want him to have any excuses.
All right, then. Have a nice party.
Nice? It's going to be better than nice.
It's going to be bloody unforgettable!
Good luck!
Here comes the ferry.
- Is this the ferry to the St John house?
- Yeah, any second now.
Good! I didn't know if this was right.
- Let me help you. Kit Graham.
- Nan Youngblood.
That's Nikki Brashears.
Are you planning on staying a while?
No, it's just some work for finals
when we get back.
- You don't know how far behind I am.
- Hi! I got it.
Hi. Arch Cummings. I've seen you.
Jewett Hall, right?
Chaz Vyshinsky.
You've got great legs.
Chaz, Arch already has her bags.
I only met Muffy this term.
In Drama Society.
I volunteered to do their costumes.
I like to sew.
- Did you see her in "Ghosts"?
- No.
She was wonderful.
She's so talented.
Yeah, she is.
Guy, your fly is open and your
Hostess Twinkie is hanging out.
- Come on if you're coming!
- We're still waiting for someone.
This is my last run of the week.
I don't get paid overtime.
But this is the only way over.
If he misses this one, how is he...
Wait up!
Go! Go! Go!
Sorry, guys. Nik, Chaz, hi.
Rob Ferris.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi. Harvey "Hal" Edison Jr.
Call me Hal.
Only my folks call me Harve
and I can't stand it.
- Sure is pretty here, isn't it?
- You're friends with Muffy St John?
Sure am.
We sit together in Econ 3.45.
I let her copy
my marginal utility curves.
- Oh, I get it. That's a joke.
- Harve.
Hal... Springsteen! Still the boss!
Let's go. We don't have all day.
- You all buddies?
- Except for Skip and Nan.
- Them we just met.
- But we will be.
Careful, though. Skip is Muffy's cousin.
- No kidding!
- Distant. Over the horizon.
Otherwise
I wouldn't have been invited.
- She doesn't mix family with friends.
- True, as long as I've known her.
To protect her family, I guess.
No, to keep her friends.
- Choose your weapons, big guy.
- What's this?
- You up for a game of Stretch?
- OK.
- Skip, your fly's open.
- Eat it!
Ah, Rob!
Your fly is open.
OK, don't believe me.
Oh, nice.
We're off.
Bye.
First round, the Champ!
You know what I find amazing?
Muffy's her real name.
I'm Harvey, but they call me Hal.
Muffy must stand for something. Muffin?
Muff-child, Moffo the Muffster,
Muffin' Stuff...
Muff dive.
- Hi, what are you reading?
- Milton's "Paradise Lost".
For Professor Russo's course
on English Epic.
- It's a shame. It's a dying form.
- Dying.
Not many people read it nowadays,
even in college.
Really?
- What about you?
- Oh, er...
"Treasure Island: The History
of Pornography in America".
I don't have the perks
of you private college kids.
Don't give me that.
I'm hoping to interview with her
daddy's company before graduation.
He's worth more than 50 million
over the counter.
But I don't think
that's why she invited me, do you?
We're not going to be sheltered
college kids our whole life.
Wake up!
Smell the bacon, Nan!
It's research I can do all on my own.
And this is the best part:
I never get tired of it.
You want to take a look?
- Bruce's car was in the shop.
- That's not my point.
Oh, my God.
We're going to spend a weekend there?
- Are you a wimp?
- I'm not interested any more.
Come on! One more.
Double or nothing.
Enough's enough.
- What? Are you scared?
- Hey, I said give it a rest.
Oh, fuck!
I'll get him! I'll get him!
Where is he?
All right! What you're looking for?
We got them! We got them!
Did we nail them?
Ha ha ha. April Fool's. Very funny.
What's wrong with you?
Somebody could have got hurt.
At least we don't go in
for this shoe-lace-is-untied crap.
You know that.
That was great! Shit!
OK, Buck, come on out.
I'm going to need some help.
I'll just do it from here.
Throw me a line.
- This one?
- That's the one. That'll work.
Thank you.
- Some hero you were.
- I took off my jacket and shoes.
- There were three guys in the water.
- Chaz, I'm only kidding.
- Nikki, can we borrow your towel?
- Yeah.
Hey, you guys have got to admit,
it was a hell of a trick.
- I loved it.
- Animal!
Buck! Look out!
Calm him down!
Calm him down!
I've got to get him to a doctor.
- Cal!
- Get in the boat!
- Cal!
- Get in the boat!
They did it! They did it!
What's going on?
Sam, what happened?
Tricks. Pranks.
Ask your friends.
- Is your dad around?
- No, he's in Sutton Place. Why?
- You haven't heard from him?
- No.
I need to borrow your boat
to get back to shore.
All the keys are in the kitchen,
but I think there's an extra one
under the cushion there.
Look, you people, stay put,
all of you.
If anything else happens,
I want to know
just where to find you.
Skip, it's not your fault.
It was an accident. You didn't know.
Sure.
Did you see his face?
Muffy. Nothing bad ever happens to her.
- There's a lot to be done here.
- You sound as if you own it.
I will, if all goes well.
Next month when I turn 21,
it's my first stage inheritance.
- First stage? What's your second?
- Texas.
You may be talking
to your future boss, Harve.
Nikki, burn my bags, baby!
I am home!
Oh, yeah!
I could get really used to this.
We spent all our summers here
before my mother died.
- It's very special to me.
- It's like a dream.
On a clear day,
you can see the Kennedys.
Wow!
You guys, look at this!
Oh, Muffers,
our very own place settings!
With our very own place cards
and here's our own little dolly!
- It's just like an Agatha Christie.
- And sporks!
- Sporks?
- And napkins with bunnies on them.
- Muffy, you spared no expense.
- How do you think Dad made money?
The old fashioned way.
He inherited it.
I used to have all her outfits.
Hold it! Don't anybody move!
But before this night is over,
somebody in this room...
...will pull his wang.
"My first experience was:
A) Painful and degrading;"
"B) Not so hot,
but I really cared about him;"
"C) I was ready to try again
or D)"
"Wildly exciting. I had an orgasm."
A and part of B.
A and B: "Painful and degrading; not
so hot, but I really cared about him."
That's so sweet.
I'll take B.
"Not so hot, but I really cared
about him." Was it Rob?
- No, it wasn't Rob.
- What about you, Nikki?
A and D: "Painful and degrading.
Wildly exciting. I had an orgasm."
Anyway, "The one thing I haven't tried
yet but am intensely curious about is:"
"A) Oral sex;"
"B) Anal entry;"
"C) S&M;
D) Group sex;"
"E) Lesbian sex;"
"or F) All of the above."
What was C?
Hi, my name is
Mary O'Toole O'Reilly O'Shea.
I want to go to convent school,
and things like that.
Welcome.
Welcome to my home
and "Lifestyles of the Rich
and Undeserving".
My name's Arch Cummings
and I'm on a mission here
to bed as many women
as humanly possible.
Nan's out, to be honest.
She likes the theatre...
You know what I'm saying.
She's out in the first round.
A poor boy can say,
"Fuck you, Dad."
"I'm my own person."
What's his father going to do?
Kick him out?
Disinherit him?
His life won't have changed much.
He's got nothing to lose.
His father's love.
That was lost a long, long time ago.
Skip, blaming yourself
won't make Buck any better.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Muffy, you sure know how to make
a guy look forward to... dessert.
Please God, let it be ding dongs.
St John hospitality,
taken to the extreme.
It's real friendly.
Makes me feel at home.
How are we going to feel
after these beans?
You guys!
Nan, do you want some beans?
- I wonder how Buck's doing.
- Should we call?
- I'll call later.
- I'm sure he's getting the best care.
Let's change the subject.
Well...
Harve's got his job interview
all figured out.
What about the rest of us? Anyone know
what they're doing after graduation?
- Good choice, Arch.
- This is incredible.
Here we are, privileged, independent,
the hope for the future.
Not one of us knows
what we're doing with our lives.
- Rob knows.
- Kit, come on.
- He's going to medical school.
- You got early acceptance?
- Let's talk some other time.
- But you've met your counsellor.
I don't think
he wants to talk about it.
- No, no, I don't mind.
- We're all friends here, right?
Sort of.
He said to forget it.
He said that my grades might be OK,
but basically I possess
an essential lack of seriousness.
- And that's what they look for.
- That's what my guy said.
I said you've got to be kidding.
How can anyone be serious
when some moron can push a button
and nuke us all
until our shadows glow?
He wasn't impressed with that...
Oh, what's this?
Dom Perignon sparkling ros?
- Smells like Ripple.
- Outdone yourself again, St John.
Can I make a toast?
Well...
Someone once said to me to cherish
the friends you make in college.
I try to cherish
all the friends I make.
- Stop it!
- Because...
Because they'll be the friends you
cherish most for the rest of your life.
So, well, here's to us.
And here's to my life,
because I'm very glad to be here
and to be a part of all of you.
Muffy, anything you want to add?
- Why me?
- Because you're the hostess.
OK.
In his "Life of Johnson",
James Boswell said,
"We cannot predict the precise moment
when friendships are formed."
"As in filling a vessel
drop by drop,"
"there is at last one
which makes it run over..."
"...so in a series..."
"...so in a series of kindnesses,"
"there is at last one
which makes the heart run over."
So, with this toast,
may our hearts run over
and our friendships be formed.
- All right.
- Cheers!
- Going down!
- OK.
All over myself!
Muffy!
April Fool!
- Wow! Is this the bridal suite?
- You like it?
- I thought you needed the room.
- I'll find a use for it.
Muffy?
I know you and Arch had something
going before I met him.
Arch is sweet,
but he only has two expressions:
- Collar up and collar down.
- Yeah, I found that out.
I guess what I'm trying to say now is...
You always get there first,
but Chaz is mine, OK?
- What about Hal?
- Harvey? Mr Junior Achievement?
Oh, please!
Yuck!
Don't try to tell me you hadn't
thought of me in that way, Muffy.
Why, I felt a spark between us the
first time we laid eyes on each other
in Econ 3.45.
Just think of it, Muffy.
With my... my talent
and your...
...money. No.
All right.
We're going to have some privacy.
You've got to be kidding.
Unless Muffy knows something about us
we don't.
- Hold me, big fella! Hold me!
- Just holster it, cowboy!
Let's play "Hide the Sausage".
Pick it up!
Hold me like a man
can hold another man!
Why, just think of it, Muffers.
With my raw, driving talent...
...and your...
...your...
Wrong room.
Shit.
Come on!
Rob?
Are you still angry with me?
About dinner?
No.
I'm sorry. I'm not angry at you.
I'm just...
...just angry.
Jesus!
Very funny.
Muffy!
Arch!
Hi, Muff! Hi.
Do you know what time it is, love?
Goodnight.
Real funny, you guys!
Better ride than you could give me.
Hello?
Shit.
Who's there?
Fuck! Jesus Christ!
Fucking cat!
Oh, God.
Morning.
...a nightmare about Buck
and I don't know...
Good morning.
I was just hungry.
I must look a mess.
- Morning, Muff.
- I forgot to get dressed.
- So who made her night?
- I don't know.
- Where's Skip?
- That depends what he's on.
- You guys have got to be kidding.
- Have fun.
Hey, Nan, what about it?
Come on.
No, thanks.
Besides, I thought I'd wait
to see what Muffy wanted to do.
Chaz comes down...
He comes down with it...
That's my bad knee!
I've got Nikki, you get the ball.
I'm covering Nikki.
I've got her.
- She's covered.
- Harvey, Harvey!
Good one, Harve!
Good one!
Hey, Rob, what's wrong?
I'm just thinking...
...about that meeting
I had with my advisor.
- I feel like I'm going nowhere.
- He only said you weren't serious.
Kit, maybe it's crazy
you investing so much energy in me.
Sure, you feel this way about me now.
What about when I'm a TV repairman
- and all those other guys are...
- Rob, you're right.
I know. I told you. I'm right.
- You're right.
- I know. I'm right. I said I'm right.
- There's no question.
- I'm right.
You're a jerk.
Oh, God! I am.
Come here, baby.
Skip, you son-of-a-bitch!
Skip!
Respectable Quaker couple
returning from an afternoon
of non-violent sex.
- So how was it?
- Where's Skip? Anybody seen him?
- Who wants to know?
- Damn it, give me a straight answer!
We saw him at the boat house,
drifting in a boat.
He wasn't moving.
He looked dead, unless he was joking.
- If it was Skip...
- I saw his face.
Look, has anybody seen him
since last night?
Jesus Christ!
- We'll look for him. Come on.
- I'm coming, too.
What's happening?
Is something wrong?
Skip! Hey, arsehole!
- Hey, Skip!
- Wait a minute.
Look at this.
Skip's knife.
Think it was that guy on the ferry?
I don't know.
I don't know what to think.
I say we look for them.
One of them's got to be around.
- You mean split up?
- Yeah.
No sucker's taking me yet.
I know why you're avoiding me.
This is your idea of a joke.
That's why you invited me here,
isn't it?
How did you find out?
From his preppy friends?
I don't know
what you're talking about.
You mean the tape just got there?
Just appeared?
You know, I thought you wanted
to be friends.
Skip!
Skip?
Skip?
Any sign of Skip?
No luck here.
- Where's Arch?
- He was with you.
- Shit! That's it!
- I don't like this.
- I definitely don't think I like this.
- It's time to call the police.
8248. Constable Potter
has an office at his home.
Who wants tea?
Lt'll relax our nerves.
Is she kidding?
I didn't know what kind anybody
would like so I brought them all.
Here, let me help you.
I'll get some water.
- Has he reached the constable?
- We haven't reached the mainland yet.
Oh, the main.
- It's probably broken.
- There's no water?
- What's happening?
- There's no water!
It happens sometimes.
But there's still the well.
I'll go. Point me in the right direction.
Not without me.
I'm not worried...
...about those two.
Skip and Art.
They're probably playing
some kind of stupid trick.
Yeah. Probably.
Is that it?
When she said well,
she really meant well.
Who dug this? Pocahontas?
Let me do that. I've probably
had more experience than you.
You mean back home on the farm?
I know you think I'm a hick, but I'd
like to change your mind about that.
Why?
Because I would really like
to plough your field.
Draw me some water.
- Oh, crap!
- What happened?
- I lost the bucket.
- Harve.
Hal! The rope was rotten.
Any fool could have seen that.
- You didn't.
- Would you shine the light down there.
- Nice going.
- So I spazzed out. Now we're even.
What do we do now?
- Look, there are rungs down the side.
- So?
- So get a move on.
- Are you crazy?
I don't relish the idea
of a weekend without water.
Well, I'm not going down there.
OK, fine.
- Wait! What are you doing?
- What does it look like?
I don't think you ought to do this.
Nikki...
Harvey, I'm a big girl now.
I can handle
a few spiders and frogs.
Be careful down there.
Watch what you're doing.
Watch what I'm doing? That's
a hot one! I can barely see a thing.
Well just...
just watch out anyway, OK?
Just be careful.
Nikki!
Nikki! Nikki! Hey, answer me!
I'm fine. I'm fine.
Nikki! Nikki!
Answer me!
Nikki!
Help! Nikki!
Nikki! Answer me!
Help! Rob, Kit! Help!
Nikki, damn it, answer me!
Shit!
Oh, my God!
Come on!
Come on, reach!
Damn it, come on!
It's OK now.
With the others, they were outside,
but we're inside, so we're safe.
It's because of what happened
on the ferry, isn't it?
It was an accident.
Christ, don't they know that?
Muffy, where do you keep your guns?
Guns?
We don't keep guns in this house.
- Here.
- God, not the water!
- It's all right. It's Perrier.
- Here.
Hello.
Constable Potter, you've got to help us.
Arch, Skip and Nan...
Wait a minute.
What are you talking about?
That ain't possible.
I'm at the hospital right now
visiting Buck.
With Muffy?
What are you saying?
Yeah, all right.
Just please, please get here, OK?
He's on his way.
He wants us to wait here
and stay together.
- And the ferryman?
- Wasn't him.
- They've been together all day.
- What?
- I don't understand.
- I don't, either.
He'll send up a flare
when he's nearing the dock.
Then we go down as a group
to meet him there.
In the meantime, we just wait here.
It's my father's study.
I just came in to make sure
everything was secure.
I had to lock those windows.
Good idea.
Sometimes, with the tides,
it could take all night
to get here from the mainland.
Even then, sometimes...
they don't make it.
Yeah.
What is taking him so long?
Maybe it's the tides.
Wait. Aren't we supposed
to stay together?
What about Rob and Muffy?
- Rob's out back checking the doors.
- What about Muffy?
- She's acting abnormal.
- What do you mean?
- You haven't noticed?
- Who isn't?
- Those nurse's shoes.
- What?
The clodhoppers she's been wearing.
Crpe soles?
She was arguing with Nan in the hall
before you and Rob came back alone
from the woods.
About something Nan found in her room.
Something...
- What?
- Something about an abortion.
I found something in my room, too.
But I don't think
it was intended for me.
- Really?
- Oh, fuck you, Chaz.
- What did you find?
- I didn't find anything.
We're supposed to believe that?
That's right. I spent the night
with Nikki. What about you?
- What about me?
- What's your secret?
- I don't know what you mean.
- I came into your room last night.
It was like your arse was on fire.
Nothing! Just some clippings
of some car accidents.
- Nothing personal in that?
- No! Who hasn't had a car accident?
- I haven't.
- Oh, knock it off, Chaz!
How did Muffy find this out
and why...
Stop it! Just stop it, you guys!
What's wrong with us?
What happened to our talk
about friendship and undying loyalty?
Do you know what we're saying?
We're discussing the possibility
that Muffy, a good friend of ours,
has invited us here this weekend to...
I'm going upstairs.
Muffy, we should all stay together.
This is my home!
I'll be in my room.
She has a point. We're starting
to get on each other's nerves.
As long as we all stay within
shouting distance of each other.
Are you coming?
- I'm going up to the attic.
- Why?
I can probably see the constable
better from there.
It's all right.
I can keep watch on the stairs.
- Nikki, come on!
- "Nikki, come on!"
Don't give me
any of this "Nikki, come on".
- What are you doing?
- What does it look like?
Look, stay if you like.
Lock your door, dig a trench, hang out.
But once I leave this place,
I'm never coming back.
- We're supposed to stay together.
- That's been real effective.
What are you going to do?
Waltz down to the pier by yourself?
Check your bags with the porter and
wait for a stray liner to pick you up?
I can't stay here any more.
What if the constable never shows?
I'll swim to the mainland if I have to.
OK, you relax.
Three people are dead
and you tell me to relax.
Nikki, wait a minute. Look at me.
Nikki, look at me!
Now, I know you've been through a lot.
We've all been through a lot.
Am I nervous? Yes.
Am I scared? Yes.
But am I running around
like a headless chicken?
- Nice image.
- No!
I mean...
You've got to lighten up a little bit.
Come on.
Would the birdman of S&M worry?
Very funny, Chaz.
Look at the bright side.
Everything's going to be OK.
Would you take that thing off?
OK, OK. Ah! How about this one?
- You are such a jerk.
- This is turning you on, I can tell.
Kiss me, you savage she-devil!
Get away from me!
Ooh, some more!
I love it when you're rough.
Of course, it would help
if I could breathe in here.
Nikki?
Come and get it!
Nikki?
Oh, very subtle, Chaz.
What am I supposed to do? Just throw
off my clothes and jump on top of you?
Just wind her up and watch her go!
You have a lot to learn, buddy.
Is this show and tell? You show me
yours and then I show you mine?
Forget it!
You can take that thing and shove it
right back in your pants, kiddo.
Chaz...
Chaz!
Oh, come on, Chaz.
Just say something.
No one's been up here in years.
- Do you see him?
- No.
He must not have a light on his boat.
Or maybe he's chosen not to use it.
Kit, he said something else
about Muffy, on the phone.
What?
He said not to trust anyone.
No one was to be left alone
with anyone else.
And he said especially not with Muffy.
- What did he mean?
- He wouldn't explain.
- That's ridiculous.
- Is it?
He's known her a lot longer
than we have.
Wait, wait, Rob.
What's that?
Just the dolls.
- Rob, she's been up here.
- So?
Rob!
Jesus!
- Rob!
- It's Arch, Skip and Nan.
What are the two over there?
He's here. Come on.
Harvey!
Nikki!
Nikki!
Harvey!
Harvey!
- Rob!
- I can't find Harvey.
I can't find anyone.
Nikki's door is locked.
Rob, it was locked.
- What about Muffy?
- Forget her!
She's my friend! Muffy!
Muffy!
Muffy, open the door!
Come on!
Constable Potter?
Constable Potter?
Constable Potter?
Hey, wait, Rob. Don't go in there.
If there's another flare, we can signal.
Maybe he already went back
up to the house.
- Shit, there's no key.
- Oh, damn!
Wait, wait, Rob.
"State Hospital.
Pursuant to our last letters,"
"be advised that the patient
has still not been found"
"and is now believed to be attempting
to return to her home."
"If encountered, exercise caution
and notify us immediately"
"as Miss St John has been
a patient here for three years"
"and is considered
extremely dangerous."
Miss St John? Muffy hasn't been
in an institution for three years.
She's been at Vassar.
- We've got to get this boat started.
- How?
The house. Didn't Muffy say
there was a key in the kitchen?
Rob, I can't go back there.
I can't.
Kit, we've got no choice.
We've got to go back.
Rob, look. The doors.
They've been closed.
There.
That's how we're going in.
Here, hold this.
Where are the stairs?
What's that?
Rob, look.
- Oh, my God! It's Muffy's clothes!
- I don't get it.
- Whoa!
- What?
- What's that?
- I don't know.
Oh, my God!
The picture of the girls
in the study,
that letter,
and what the constable
was trying to tell you!
It's not Muffy! It's Buffy!
She's got a twin sister!
Rob, don't you see? Rob!
Oh, my God!
Pull it away.
- Rob, I can't...
- Pull it away!
- The boat key? It's got to be here.
- Where is it?
The wall! The key board?
Jesus! Look in the cupboards!
I can't find it!
Damn it! Where is it?
Kit!
Let me out, Kit!
No!
Rob!
Buffy!
Run, Kit, run!
Please, just leave us alone, OK?
Please, we're just going to go home.
Enough!
- Stop!
- Babe!
Please just let us leave.
Buffy, you can stop now.
Stop!
No, Buffy, no!
- I love you, Kit!
- Please...
No. Please, just leave us alone!
Please. Just let us go, please.
No!
No! No!
Oh, ha ha! Ha ha ha!
That's really funny, you guys!
Really funny! Fuck you!
Kit, I love you!
Kit! I love you!
I love you, too, babe.
April Fool!
You guys are so terrific.
I love you all.
I want to thank you
for being such good sports.
Oh yeah, sure.
Quite welcome. Any time.
Rob, you and Kit,
you two were the best.
You figured it all out.
The clues. They really worked.
- What clues?
- What's this all about?
Don't anyone say April Fool's
or I'll rip them apart.
April Fool.
It's a script for a weekend special.
It's going to help me keep the house.
Next month I get the house as part
of my mother's inheritance. It's true.
But only if I could show my father
it could carry itself,
what with taxes and expenses.
Otherwise, he would sell it.
So I decided to turn it
into a country inn.
But not just a stuffy old,
run-of-the-mill country inn.
One that specialises in offering
a once-in-a-lifetime
whodunnit weekend.
I needed a rehearsal.
I had to try my idea out on somebody.
- You all had a part in this?
- Don't look at me.
We got sucked in as badly as you.
Once you were all killed off, yes.
But everybody had to co-operate
or none of it would have worked.
So I guess
there's no twin sister, Buffy?
There is a crazy twin,
but his name isn't Buffy.
- His name?
- Skip?
- He's your brother?
- You bastard! You were in on it!
Muffy only told me
to pull the prank on the ferry.
I had no idea
what would happen to Buck.
Buck Williams,
make-up artist par excellence.
I've got something for you, big guy.
Here, catch!
These were just old props
that I redressed.
- Sure fooled me.
- I take it this isn't the constable.
Kit Graham,
meet my uncle, Frank St John,
of St John et Frres, Wall Street.
Hi. Harvey "Hal" Edison Jr.
Pleased to meet you, sir.
How did I do?
I've never done no acting before.
I was really shaking!
Cal is our regular ferryman
between the mainland and the islands.
But I thought he was
up to the dramatic challenge.
Muff, you were so lucky.
You could have been killed.
Well, I nearly did with Harve
over there.
And who could have known
about the snake with Arch?
But the paying guests
will know what they're in for
and the scenario
won't be so extreme.
I do regret some of the fake clues
that I put into the bedrooms
were taken a bit too seriously,
and I'm sorry about that.
But we had fun, didn't we?
Come on!
I'll never forget this weekend
as long as I live.
You're telling me. In the woods,
I nearly crapped my pants!
What do you mean, nearly?
I was there, remember?
Arch, you browned your trousers?
Well, you know, I was...
It's all right, Arch.
They'll be out of the dryer soon.
Come here, you maniac.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, sorry!
April Fool!